The Military Press Newspaper March 1, 2022

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Volume 47 • Number 3 • March 1, 2022

They Look Good!

1959 Cadillac

1959 Buick Le Sabre

“I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

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They Look Good . . .

By Richard Matz Publisher/writer

Until You Look Closer BIDEN’S DEMENTIA HUNTER’S DRUG USE then there is Joe Biden’s inaugural year as president,’ he wrote for the UK outfit.

Baker put blame on the president and his progressive allies for using the COVID-19 pandemic to create a ‘new American social compact.’ ‘Meanwhile, Americans just wanted someone focused on returning their disrupted lives to normal, stopping their shopping bill from rising every week and trying to heal - as Biden had promised - the nation’s wounds,’ he wrote.

President Joe Biden has made international headlines for his car crash press conference where he seemingly gave Russian strongman Vladimir Putin the ‘green light’ to invade Ukraine. Biden was blasted on all fronts after telling reporters during a rambling - and rare press conference that a ‘minor incursion’ into Ukraine by Moscow might elicit a lesser response than a full-scale one.

Hubert Wetzel, a Washington correspondent for Munich’s Süddeutsche Zeitung newspaper wrote, ‘At the end of this press conference, you no longer know exactly who is actually the one who gets on Joe Biden’s nerves more.’ ‘Is it Russian President Vladimir Putin who is threatening to invade Ukraine? Or is it this cheeky journalist from Newsmax who seriously asks the president why, according to a poll, half of Americans believe he has dementia? I didn’t think he would ruin anything, but I didn’t think he would improve anything, really. It would just kind of be status quo. But instead, he’s incoherent without a teleprompter. I have questions about his mental health.

And you know, my dad had dementia, so I’m concerned about that.

The Times’ Gerard Baker wrote a more broad critique of Biden’s first year in office coming off the two-hour debacle Wednesday entitled, ‘Failing Biden blames everyone but himself.’ ‘There are bad years, there are very bad years and

In the Telegraph, conservative columnist Nile Gardiner called Biden’s first year in office ‘catastrophic.’ Gardiner wrote that he had spoken to ‘dozens of parliamentarians, officials and diplomats across Europe who have simply lost faith in American leadership.’ ‘One very senior British MP told me last week that Biden’s foreign policy was “appalling” and “completely useless,”’ Gardiner said.

TV station based in Munich, noted that he had not had a press conference in 78 days, then note he stumbled several times. He shows poor concentration. He closes his eyes several times, stares at the ceiling to be able to concentrate. After more than an hour of questioning, he looks at the clock and asks the reporters, “How long did you want to do this?”, CNN left leaning host Van Jones blasted President Joe Biden as being ‘foggy’ and ‘meandering’ during his Wednesday press conference and compared him to an Alzheimer’s suffering Ronald Reagan.

I think you have to be honest that you can be a foggy, meandering president.

Say, like Reagan near the end, if you’re winning,’ Jones said during the evening newscast. ‘But if you are foggy and meandering on key questions and you’re also not winning, then you’ve got a real problem.’

Biden, 77, has been criticized over his cognitive health since he first started his presidential campaign.

Hunter Biden said he started dating Hallie after splitting from his wife, Kathleen, while they were still legally married. He said that the relationship began after he completed a stint in a treatment center in Arizona. “(Hallie) flew out the next day. I was at my lowest, she was at her neediest, and we clung to each other with abandon.

We talked at length about how much we had come to rely on each other, how our health and well-being seemed dependent on the love we’d grown to share,” he wrote.

April 2021 President Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden opened up about his drug abuse struggles and a relationship with his brother’s widow. “I spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs, I smoked Parmesan cheese, anything that looked like cocaine: I smoked anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine. I probably smoked more Parmesan cheese than anyone that you know,” Hunter Biden told “CBS Sunday Morning.” “I mean, I went one time for 13 days without sleeping, and smoking crack and drinking vodka exclusively throughout that entire time.”

Biden, 51, was kicked out of the Navy Reserve after failing a drug test and entered rehab several times for substance abuse problems.

My dad came to my apartment one time,” Hunter said Sunday. “And this was when he was still in office as vice president, and so he kinda ditched his Secret Service Agents , figured out a way to get over to my house. And I said, ‘What are you doin’ here?’ He said, ‘Honey, what are you doing?’ I said, ‘Dad, I’m fine.’ He said, ‘You’re not fine.’”

Hunter Biden appeared on the CBS show to promote his new memoir, “Beautiful Things,” According to NPR, the book is largely about addiction.

After Hunter’s brother Beau died in 2015 of brain cancer Hunter began a relationship with Hallie Biden, the wife of his late brother.

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According to the book, he also convinced his father to put out a statement approving of the affair.“‘Dad,’ I told him, ‘if people find out, but they think you’re not approving of this, it makes it seem wrong,” Hunter wrote, according to Fox News.

Hunter dated Hallie for two years but fathered a child with a different Arkansas woman, Lunden Alexis Roberts, during that time. He also has three children from his previous marriage to Kathleen, and a son named Beau with wife Melissa.

Hunter and Hallie broke up in April 2019 and a month later, he married Melissa Cohen, 35, after just six days of dating.

Besides his relationships, Hunter has also been a target among critics of his father, President Joe Biden, over a laptop that was obtained in October, just before the 2020 election. Hunter Biden’s business dealings became a hot button topic for then-President Donald Trump as Hunter faced questions about his service on the board of a Ukrainian gas company and an investigation into his taxes by the Justice Department.

Hunter Biden told CBS that he didn’t recall dropping off a laptop at a Delaware computer repair shop and doesn’t know if the alleged laptop is his.

“There could be a laptop out there that was stolen from me. It could be that I was hacked. It could be that it was Russian intelligence. It could be that it was stolen from me,” he said .

The Military Press Newspaper March 1, 2022

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The Greatest Reason To Be A Republican

General and President Ulysses S Grant

I am a Republican, as the two great political parties

and property, the public credit, and the payment

fortunate associates, and, in fine, it secures an entire

are now divided, because the Republican party is

of the debts of the government, State, county, or

equality before the law of every citizen, no matter what

a national party seeking the greatest good for the

municipality, so far as it can control. The Democratic

his race, nationality, or previous condition. It tolerates

greatest number of citizens. There is not a precinct

party does not promise this; if it does, it has broken

no privileged class. Every one has the opportunity to

in this vast nation where a Democrat can not cast his

its promises to the extent of hundreds of millions, as

make himself all he is capable of.

ballot and have it counted as cast. No matter what the

many Northern Democrats can testify to their sorrow.

prominence of the opposite party, he can proclaim

I am a Republican, as between the existing parties,

Ladies and gentlemen, do you believe this can be

his political opinions, even if he is only one among a

because it fosters the production of the field and farm,

truthfully said in the greater part of fourteen of the

thousand, without fear and without proscription on

and of manufactories, and it encourages the general

States of this Union to-day which the Democratic party

account of his opinions. There are fourteen States,

education of the poor as well as the rich.

control absolutely? The Republican party is a party of

and localities in some other States, where Republicans

principles; the same principles prevailing wherever it

have not this privilege. This is one reason why I am a

The Democratic party discourages all these when

Republican.

in absolute power. The Republican party is a party

has a foothold.

of progress, and of liberty toward its opponents. It

The Democratic party is united in but one thing, and

But I am a Republican for many other reasons.

encourages the poor to strive to better their children, to

that is in getting control of the government in all its

The Republican party assures protection to life

enable them to compete successfully with their more

branches. It is for internal improvement at the expense

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of the government in one section

that enough of them can unite upon

and against this in another. It favors

to make it respectable. Once started,

repudiation of solemn obligations in

the Solid South will go as Kukluxism

one section and honest payment of its

did before, as is so admirably told by

debts in another, where public opinion

Judge Tourgee in his “Fool’s Errand.”

will not tolerate any other view. It

When the break comes, those who start

favors fiat money in one place and good

it will be astonished to find how many

money in another. Finally, it favors

of their friends have been in favor of

the pooling of all issues not favored

it for a long time, and have only been

by the Republicans, to the end that

waiting to see some one take the lead.

it may secure the one principle upon

This desirable solution can only be

which the party is a most harmonious

attained by the defeat, and continued

unit—namely, getting control of the

defeat, of the Democratic party as now

government in all its branches.

constituted.

Get a dental plan that works as hard as you do

I have been in some part of every State lately in rebellion within the last year. I was most hospitably received at every place where I stopped. My receptions were not by the Union class alone, but by all classes, without distinction. I had a free talk with many who were against me in war, and who have been against the Republican party ever since. They were, in all instances, reasonable men, judging by what they said. I believed then, and believe now, that they sincerely want a break-up in this “Solid South” political condition. They see that it is to their pecuniary interest, as well as to their happiness, that there should be harmony and confidence between all sections. They want to break away

Note 1. One of the few speeches made

by General Grant after he retired from public life. It was delivered at Warren, Ohio, on September 28, 1880. He was then presiding at a Republican mass-meeting, and made this speech before introducing the orator of the day, Roscoe Conkling, who, on June 5 of the same year, had made the speech nominating him (Grant) for a third term.

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5

1959 BUICK LE SABRE

< US President Dwight D. Eisenhower

What happened in 1959?

Significant News Events Fidel Castro comes to power in Cuba after Revolution.

United States Vice President Richard Nixon and the Soviet Union’s Premier Nikita Khrushchev engage in an impromptu debate.

The Dalai Lama and tens of thousands of Tibetans flee to India after China Invades Tibet.

Hawaii becomes the 50th state.

NASA launches the Pioneer 4 spacecraft.

United States - Canada - St. Lawrence Seaway is completed.

The Antarctic Treaty is signed in Washington It was signed by twelve countries.

The Luna 2 spacecraft crashes into the Moon.

The Film Ben-Hur premieres.

First Pictures Of Earth From Space Taken By Explorer 6.

Popular Culture The US Grammy Music Awards Started

The last musical from Rodgers and Hammerstein “The Sound of Music” opens on broadway The chartered plane transporting musicians Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper goes down in an Iowa snowstorm, killing all four occupants on board. The tragedy is later termed “The Day the Music Died,” popularized in Don McLean’s song, “American Pie.” The Film Ben-Hur premieres in New York City

Popular TV Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet

1959 EDSEL CONVERTIBLE

1959 MERCURY CONVERTIBLE 6

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1959 FORD GALAXIE Average cost of new house $12,400 Average wages per year - $5,010 Kodak Movie camera $67.50 Average cost of a new car $2,200 Movie Ticket $1.00 Loaf of Bread 20 cents Kraft Cheese Slices 32 cents pk Maine Brick House good residential area 12 rooms 4 baths 2 acres $7,000 Gallon of Gas 25 cents

1959 CHRYSLER IMPERIAL Father Knows Best Gunsmoke

Popular Singers

Cliff Richard Ella Fitzgerald

1959 CORVETTE

Elvis Presley Paul Anchor The Platters Doris Day Frank Sinatra Connie Francis Jim Reeves

1959 CHEVY IMPALA 1959 CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE

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The TheMilitary MilitaryPress PressNewspaper NewspaperMarch March1,1,2022 2022

77

Publishers memoirs

When Lust Turns INTo A Nightmare

The 60s and 70s sometimes referred to as the “ Days of Aquarius “ or the sexual revolution were some of my greatest times ,and some of my worst.

I had an office in Grand Terrace near San Bernardino and frequented a disco bar called the Smugglers Inn inside the Hilton Hotel. This was a great place for guys to pick up girls and for girls to pick up guys, remember these were the days of Aquarius.

One night I went home with one of the waitresses named Barbara that work there. I didn’t ask her , she asked me if I would like to go home with her and being a young robust testosterone fueled young man I said yes. She drove her car and I followed in me mine to her apartment. It was about 11 PM when inside her apartment she told me to make myself comfortable as she pulled out her adjustable couch into a bed and I took off my shoes. She asked me if I would like a mixed drink, I said no and she said “ would you mind if I had one “ then I said no again and she filled up a small water glass full of whiskey and drink it straight down .

Next she lit up a joint and asked me if I wanted a hit and once again I said no thank you. She then went in to her bedroom and changed into a bathrobe and slippers and return with her empty 8

glass of whiskey and a half smoked joint.. She said let’s go back to my bedroom where we’ll be much more comfortable and excitable me raced back to her room.

She said take off your shirt and trousers and jump into bed, which I did. Then she locked the bedroom door and jumped into bed with me. There was a smattering of small talk and I noticed she had changed the expression on her face.

She began to talk baby talk to me about her doggy and how he was a bad boy for peeing on her floor so as a punishment he had to stay at her ( Gwand ‘Ma’s ) house for that night. She asked me “ do you have a doggie and does he do pee pee’s on the floor still talking baby talk to me. So I moved closer to her and tried to kiss her but she backed away and the expression on her face and the tone of her voice changed so much that I thought I was with a different girl. She said in a harsh lower voice “ don’t you dare try to kiss me what do you think I am a whore? I said no I’m sorry so I got out of bed and started to put my clothes back on and she screamed “ don’t you dare put your close on or I’ll scream rape “ you get back in bed right now.

Needless to say I was scared to death and didn’t know what to expect next but was afraid she would carry out her threat. So I crawled back into bed right

next to her and then the expression on her face changed completely into a different character. She said in a low sexy voice “ don’t you want to spend the night making love to me ? Stuttering I said I’ll do whatever you want me to do and then she kissed me and started to caress my body.

As I went to put my arm around her the expression changed again back into a droopy eyed baby look and in that baby voice she said “ do you “ wove “ your doggy and what do you feed him. I said dry dog food but that was the wrong answer to her question and a different person with a different expression started to laugh and said “ ha ha you are either cheap or stupid or both , you should never feed an animal dry dog food “ .

Then a brand-new person with a brandnew personality began to question me about my religion . In a very polite voice she asked me if I were Christian and I said au au yes hoping that was the right answer. She then said you’re not a very good Christian or you wouldn’t be in my bedroom but I’ll forgive you this time . She said I can’t help it that I’m very attractive and desirable do you want to get closer to me , scared to death I said maybe if you want me to but maybe it would be better if you got closer to me , wrong thing again , she said in a very

commanding voice “ you chauvinist pig you move over here and kiss me “.

I said I really wanted to but I had too much respect for her and wanted to get to know her better so we could have a long-lasting relationship .

She said that was very sweet and she would like that very much and I was thinking this was the perfect time to put my clothes back on and leave but wrong again she said “ what the hell do you think you’re doing I didn’t say you could leave it back in bed ” .

These multiple personalities went on for over 6 1/2 hours and I thought the best chance of my escaping this bedroom was when she went into her baby talk about her doggy . I’d make an excuse about me not doing pee pees on her floor and could I use the bathroom down the hallway next to her living room and front door. Thank God it worked I picked up my shirt and pants ran down the hallway and ran out her front door of the apartment with just my Hines underwear on and ran by 10 different people leaving their apartment units for work. I didn’t care I just jumped in my car and drove as fast as I could back to my office apartment in grand Terrace.

With my luck as I got out of my car at my apartment I had my shoes my shirt and my pants in my hand and the apartment owner who was a minister looked at me as if he had just witnessed the devil incarnate. I lied to him and told him I went for my morning run and fell into a small stream that never existed.

I never saw the movie called the “ Three Faces of Eve “ a woman with split personalities nor did I believe that was possible but was more of an excuse for people to commit crimes and avoid punishment .

A few days later I called and asked when Barbara was working they said she was off that evening so I got dressed and headed over to the disco. An older woman called Ma worked there and she knew me . I asked her why she never told me about Barbara and her split personalities. She said she heard other people mention that Barbara had some type of disorder but Barbara never displayed it at work . I ran into Barbara 3 or 4 days after this nightmare happened to me and very pleasantly she said “ hi Richard haven’t seen you for a while how have you been” ? She acted like nothing ever happened and in all reality maybe she never realized she had multiple personalities ! And by the way after that I began to feed my dog wet dog food and never dated a waitress since!

Richard Matz Publisher

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BIG GOVERNMENT DEPENDENCY

THE CRADLE-TO-GRAVE Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ is the very definition of cradle-to-grave, biggovernment dependency Democrats would pull the ladder from aspiring Americans and create a permanent status of government-run mediocrity The contrast between the Democrat and Republican visions for America has perhaps never been sharper.

Republicans want to put Americans, not the federal government, in control of their lives and families. We want to strengthen the American Dream so that more Americans can move up the ladder of success and free themselves from government dependency. Democrats would pull the ladder from aspiring Americans and create a permanent status of government-run mediocrity .

BIDEN’S SOCIALIST BUILD BACK BETTER BOLSTERING IRS TO ‘SPY’ ON AMERICANS’ BANK ACCOUNTS: Need confirmation? Look no further than Democrats’ explanation for their so-called “Build Back Better” proposal.

The Biden administration is marketing its program to transform the American economy via a cartoon drawing depicting a mom and her son as they encounter the government programs on which they would depend under this plan, from the very beginning of their lives to the very end. That is the very definition of cradle-to-grave, biggovernment dependency.

If the last two years—and the recent election in Virginia—have taught us anything, it’s that parents, not government bureaucrats or teachers unions, know what’s best for their children. Yet, the “Build Back Better” legislation ushers in federal parenting

by putting federal bureaucrats in charge of teaching and caring for children during their most formative years.

Under Biden’s massive spending and taxation plan, federal government preschools and child care facilities will be the only choice left for parents.

Though Democrats will say that nothing in the bill closes down other preschools or child care facilities, these are the same people who told you: “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.”

Once the government gets its tentacles into an industry, it shoves aside private competition. And with skyrocketing inflation, a barrage of tax audits, and a

deteriorating economy ahead, parents will have an increasingly difficult time affording anything other than the government option. And if you’re one of the millions of Americans who work in the oil-and-gas industry, the “Build Back Better” plan delivers a crushing blow by implementing $555 billion worth of Green New Deal mandates and tax increases. It replaces these good-paying jobs with $8 billion for the Civilian Climate Corps, a taxpayerfunded outfit empowered to police for radical green-energy policies.The Biden administration hopes to use this supercharged IRS to wring an extra $400 billion out of the American people.

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With everyone from independent contractors to retired grandparents now facing regular audits, this is Democrats’ backup plan for unleashing IRS spying on everyday American’s bank accounts.

For the last four centuries, each American generation has successfully preserved this precious gift for their children and grandchildren, against threats both foreign and domestic. Nothing less is demanded of us today. As Americans, we must protect that freedom and reject these massive big-government socialist programs.

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9

sports news

CHARGERS REPORT:

BOLTS ADDRESS RT IN A FEW MOCKS

By Art Garcia (Jr)

five in the Super Bowl. Having officially re-retired after the game, Weddle will require surgery for a torn pec muscle he suffered early in the Super Bowl.

In our last issue we focused on the Bolts taking a defensive tackle with their first pick in the draft. This time will take a look at another area of need, right tackle, and a few of the draft analysts who believe this will be the Chargers selection at No. 17 in their early mock drafts.

The Endzzone: With NFL free-agency and the new league year set to begin on March 16, the Chargers landed three players on Pro Football Focus’ (PFF) top 100 FA’s. Wide receiver Mike Williams ranks the highest amongst the three landing at No. 7, followed by defensive tackle Linval Joseph (No. 81) and outside linebacker Kyzer White (No. 99). Of the three, the 33-year-old Joseph would appear to be the odd man out if the Chargers decide to go with a youth movement.

In his first mock, NFL Analyst Daniel Jeremiah has the Chargers filling their void at right tackle by selecting Bernhard Raimann out of Central Michigan.

“I’m higher on Raimann than most evaluators, but I believe in his play strength (his hands and core strength jump off the screen) and instincts. He starts Day 1 at right tackle and would team with 2021 first-rounder Rashawn Slater to give the Chargers excellent bookends to protect Justin Herbert.”

Moving from tight end to right tackle his junior season, the massive 6’7, 350-pound Reimann impressed this past year as a senior by allowing just 10 quarterback pressures. Although Jeremiah projects him selected in the first round, Pro Football Network ranks Raimann a day two selection.

NFL Analyst Bucky Brooks has the Chargers selecting Trevor Penning, OT, Northern Iowa.

Said Brooks, “The Chargers clearly nailed last year’s first-round pick, Rashawn Slater, who made the Pro Bowl protecting Justin Herbert’s blind side as a rookie. But right tackle remains a problem area. Penning has the size, length and athleticism to stymie pro pass rushers.”

10

Publisher/Editor: Richard T. Matz Assisatant Editor: Lisa Matz Design: Trevor Watson Distribution: Dennis Wink Like Brooks, The Atlantic’s Dane Brugler has the Chargers selecting Penning in the first round.

“At 6’7 and almost 330 pounds, Penning has all the makeup you’d want in a first-round tackle,” Brugler said. “His 35-inch arms are going to make the old-head analysts very happy and when you combine that with an elite athletic profile, it’s easy to see why he is being pegged to go in the first round.

“The guy is an absolute ANIMAL when it comes to finishing blocks and demoralizing the opponent in front of him.”

NFL Media Draft Analyst Lance Zierlein also has the Chargers selecting Penning in the first round at No. 20 following a trade with the Steelers who move up to 17 to draft Liberty quarterback Malik Willis.

Contribiuting Writers:

Former Chargers’ safety Eric Weddle capped off his 15-year career like no other player in NFL history as the Los Angeles Rams were crowned Super Bowl LVI Champions with their 23-20 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals. Signed by the Rams just three weeks prior to the big game, Weddle, who retired following the 2019 season, was credited with 18 tackles overall in the postseason and

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Doug Aguillard, Art Garcia Contact Us: Tel 858-537-2280

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A Circus Owner

A Frog A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

A Blonde & A Redhead A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount.

If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!” “So?,” asked the duck’s former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

A Farmer & His Bride A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, “That’s once.” A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, “That’s twice.” When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, “That was an awful thing to do!” The farmer says, “That’s once.”

A Farmer & A Pig

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, “Why the wooden leg?” The farmer replies, “That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.”

“Great, but why the wooden leg?”

“The pig is so smart it has a degree in

horticulture and philosophy.”

“Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?”

“Well when you have a pig that smart you don’t eat it all at once!”

A Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in and says to the owner “ impossible “ Dogs can’t talk The owner says then go ahead ask him something “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because the Son-of -a - bitch’s a liar! He never did any of that!

A Magician A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found

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himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up.

Where the heck is the boat?”

A Pet Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?” says the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole”

says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he’s been driving me nuts,” says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender. “Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron.

“Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!”

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