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MIRACLE Click the QR code to purchase the print issue. 3 Depression ISSUE
MIRACLE Contributors:
HR and strategic planning manager: Aayushi Khurana Poetry Editors: Elizabeth Gibson Steven Fortune Rabiya Batth Fiction Editors: Olga Kolesnikova Genevieve Rushton Editorial Coordinator: Muskaan Malik HR associate: Tamanna Sahoo Marketing Heads: Shrey Jain Vashita Sharma Creative Team: Rupali Saini Sehej Kaur Ragini Anand Photography Team: Ankit Malhotra Pranjal Marwaha Dilawar Benipal Design: Aayushi Khurana Guntaj Arora Makeup Artist: Ashna Arora
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MIRACLE editorial
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MIRACLE Editor’s Letter
“You can drown yourself. Stretch your sadness to the extent your brain nerves detangles to sigh at your lost tragedies. You are the devil of your heart’s red humours. The flawed trainer of your grin’s muscles.” Depression can be screamed out as the ability to tuck in your blanket for days, envisaging the end of your pretty blue world to strike on your heart and the ash bits sucking what’s left of you. It becomes your fresh dwelling and the tears, your comfort place. This depression issue of the magazine can be written down as a revolution in the storyline of Miracle. With the mini issue of the magazine, we introduce you to a new phase of Miracle. The format has been put into a broader visual frame. Miracle, started back in 2012, was introduced as a literary and arts magazine. With the completion of the fourth year of the magazine, we make this magazine a full-fledged creative magazine introducing columns like creative photography, fashion and travel. We have also introduced the concept of Miracle ‘mini’, giving you tiny tit-bits into the magazine year around with each issue themed differently. The depression issue is the first mini issue of the magazine, followed by the main issue themed ‘Rebirth’, due to come out soon. In this issue, we have depicted depression in its varied and unknown forms, including our cover shoot: ‘a mad lady arranging her funeral tea-party’. The depression issue is your sneak peek into the future of Miracle. I hope you enjoy this shift in the format of Miracle. We would love to hear your reviews, so do write us! Until next issue,
Guntaj Arora CONTACT ME AT guntajarora@gmail.com @guntajarora
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MIRACLE
CONTENTS Depression issue 38
Pillowtalk
POETRY: 8 Upturned Hourglasses Meghna Chaterjee
20
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Fragments Gabriel Desmar
21
Dream Master Mark Potts
35
Ink WIndows Kushal Poder
46
Tiger Eyes And Lion Skins Troy Cabida
47
Dark Of The Moon Deborah L. Fruchey
53
Being Jewish In A Small Town Lin Lifshin
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MIRACLE
Five year old girl’s only wish is to become a doll: melancholia at its worst
22 Subdued In The Pinks
CONTENTS
48
the last tea
28
the corpse
MIRACLE INTERVIEW:
55
DALJIT NAGRA in conversation with Elizabeth Gibson
ON THE MIRACLE COVER:
Model: ASHNA ARORA Photograph: ANKIT
MALHOTRA
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MIRACLE POetry
U
pturned Hourglasses
Meghna Chatterjee
Outside, the persistent calls of a wavering summer. Drudgery takes its claim, I find, I’m flightless; time catches me in a hypnotic dance. September melts into October, and paper stays paper, although my thoughts had blotted its skin, once. Months fly by like carriages and trains, whistles echoing, a hundred million windows for watching space. But no time to measure moments, words, or all the books I’m supposed to read before I turn sixteen. Days mould into nights, and all that is left is a heavy heart and a big-eyed owl contemplating stars, wondering and dreaming. Echoes of upturned hourglasses, knocking at every heartbeat, whispering in the furtive folds of the silken night, a million shadows of scintillating dreams, but no time to switch on the light. Clocks race, until sleep is a welcome friend; night time chews my mind into pieces. Outside, time stretches like the sea, cold and unfeeling; tomorrow, perhaps, the sun will stay up longer, I tell the clouds what I’m dreaming.
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MIRACLE f iction
Five year old girl’s only wish is to become a doll: melancholia at its worst by Olga Kolesnikova and Genevieve Rushton
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I
MIRACLE f iction
would like to present to you a very unique and unfortunate case that I have recently come across of a five-year-old girl with severe melancholia and abnormal symptoms accompanying it. My name is Dr. Robert Ferdinand and I am a psychologist, meaning that I study the human brain and behavior. As I present my findings on this peculiar case, I would like to inform you that I have been studying the science of psychology for a considerable thirty years, analyzing hundreds of different patients and I have never observed a case like the one I am about to present to you. Furthermore, I would never have expected that a child would be afflicted with this malady. Mary Jonson (I am using invented names for the girl and her parents to preserve the family’s privacy) is a 5-year-old girl from London, daughter to Henry Jonson, a lawyer, and Martha Jonson. While other children might go to school or play with other children, Mary sits quietly on a chair and will not eat, drink, read, play, sew or do anything unless her parents coerce her to do so. The young girl rarely converses with anyone, even her parents, and finds no pleasure in life. Henry and Martha Jonson contacted me several months prior to the writing of this article hoping that I might find a way to cure her of her malady. I began by interviewing her parents: “She was such a healthy and happy infant until she was three years old,” said Mr. Jonson, “She loved her mother, Martha, and me, as much as a little girl could and constantly played with her older brother. Then all of a sudden she lost interest in everything that she previously enjoyed. Now she sits perfectly still in a chair all day. We had to dismiss our governess because Mary wasn’t able to handle the work required to learn her subjects.” The Jonsons described their efforts to revive her interest in food, drink, music, reading, nature, toys, hobbies and any other aspects of life that might bring pleasure to a five-year-old girl but she found no pleasure in any of these pursuits. Even more trying were their efforts to persuade Mary to talk to other children or adults. As a rule Mary would sit still and only speak when spoken to, responding coldly and indifferently. Her parents asked her what would make her happy and Mary said that she would like to be a doll. “I just want this curse on my daughter to be lifted so that she can be happy again. It is almost as if she is dead and I am dead as well,” said Mrs. Jonson.
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MIRACLE f iction
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After talking to her parents I set about interviewing the girl, which was not an easy feat as she is quite withdrawn. Here is an excerpt from my first interview with Mary Jonson: Dr. Ferdinand: Tell me what you like to do for fun. Miss Jonson: Nothing. Dr. Ferdinand: If you could do anything, what would you do? If you were allowed to do anything you wanted in the whole wide world. Miss Jonson: I would do nothing. Dr. Ferdinand: Why is that? Miss Jonson: I don’t know. I just don’t want to do anything. I hate doing anything. Dr. Ferdinand: Your mama tells me you sit around all day long without moving. So, you must like sitting down? Miss Jonson: No. I don’t like it. But it’s better than doing anything. Dr. Ferdinand: There are things you can enjoy without having to do anything. You can sit in a garden and look at the pretty flowers, or watch the birds pecking at seeds and berries. Do you ever do that? Miss Jonson: Mama makes me sometimes. Dr. Ferdinand: She is right to do so. A young girl like yourself should take pleasure in God’s creations. Would you say that you prefer to sit outside rather than indoors? Miss Jonson: Maybe. I’m not sure. Dr. Ferdinand: When your mama or your papa tell you to do something, do you obey them? Miss Jonson: Yes. I try to be obedient. Oh, but I hate it so much! I hate to do anything. Mama makes me eat, and I hate that. She buys me chocolates which are so expensive to try and make me happy. But I hate them too. I try to like them, but I cannot. Dr. Ferdinand: Mary, it is clear to me that you suffer from severe melancholy. Do you know what that means? Miss Jonson: No. Dr. Ferdinand: It is a disorder that many ladies suffer from. It makes them sad and unwilling to do anything. It makes them lose interest in their lives. You appear to have all these symptoms and more. Now, I have successfully treated dozens of ladies suffering from melancholy – many of them young and freshly married. But none were as young as you. That’s the difficulty with your case. As a doctor, I want more than anything to make you better. But I have never dealt with a case of melancholy in a five-year-old girl before… What do you think could make you happy? Miss Jonson: There is a little boy that lives in the house next to ours. Once mama had put me in the garden in a big soft chair under a tree. I had sat there for a long time when I heard a noise. I did not want to turn my head to look, but soon a little boy walked in front of me. He said, ‘hello. I live next door. My name is Paul. Would you like to play?’ But I did not want to talk to him. I just sat there looking straight ahead and not moving at all, as if I could not see him. After a while he said ‘you’re not a real girl. You’re a doll.’ And then he left. I think I might be happy if I could be turned into a real doll. As you can see she is quite disturbed and depressed. Throughout the interview her face was blank and emotionless and her voice flat and lifeless. It was difficult to extract very much from her, especially anything of a personal nature. I spoke to her for three hours during the first meeting and then once a week for two hours during two months. I found that her behavior was consistent with what her parents had described. I believe that her inertia was a result of (1) fatigue, which she suffers from, (2) sadness and (3) the lack of motivation to do or experience anything as she does not derive any pleasure from that which she used to enjoy. Not only was she reluctant to talk to others, often sitting still like a doll so that they would leave her alone, but it wasn’t a fear of appearing foolish that prevented her from interacting with others, but a lack of desire.
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MIRACLE f iction
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Most of all she described feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness, anxiousness and guilt, especially guilt for being different from other people and not acting like a normal girl. I went through a list of hundreds of enjoyable things with Mary and the only thing that she acknowledged as something that brought her pleasure, even if fleeting, was the thought of becoming a doll. Fantasies of becoming a doll, sitting on a little girl’s shelf, letting a girl play with her and narrate her life are Mary’s principal pleasure and preoccupation. Perhaps this reveals that she is not completely averse to people but that she is averse to having an identity or opening herself up to others and she would prefer to observe her own life passively and avoid actual interaction. I tested Mary’s reading, writing, arithmetic, logic and other subjects. Her concentration was shaky at best. She found most tasks challenging and she needed frequent breaks to collect herself and rest as she was quite fatigued.
A possible cause of this sudden disorder might be the death of her older brother of illness when he was eight and she was three. It coincides with the time period in which she began to display her symptoms. Perhaps theirs was a close relationship and the loss of her brother made her lose passion for any pleasures in life. Closeness to other humans may be seen as dangerous for Mary because they might suffer the same fate as her brother. Is it possible that behind her disinterest in others, there is an extreme loneliness? I cannot be sure of any of this but it is a possible theory. Eventually she revealed to me that she wished to end her life, much to my horror. However, this inclination is quite common for those with melancholia. I asked her for the reason and of course she wouldn’t reveal it to me. However, it is my belief that she wishes to become a doll because it prevents her from interacting with other people and possibly because she feels too useless to be alive. After learning about this desire, I had to admit the child to a psychiatric facility (name withheld) for her own safety. It is unlikely that a child that young will commit suicide but it is better to be cautious and ensure the child’s safety than risk her death while unsupervised. The parents were devastated but I explained to them that it was for her own good as it would be more difficult for them to prevent her from committing suicide at home. I am continuing to visit Mary in the hospital once a week. The staff are forcing her to eat two meals a day and I am told that the doctors at the hospital will attempt to perform hypnosis on the girl. However, as I am writing this, her condition remains the same. I cannot doubt that this is a serious case of melancholia and suicidal thoughts but I believe that there is some other malady that affects this poor girl that causes her to feel and behave in such a way, possibly a new mental condition that has not yet been named. There is no precedent for this condition so I am not yet able to identify it as anything other than severe depression. I am mortified for her parents and I do hope that a cure is found but it seems quite doubtful that there will be one in Mary’s lifetime as this malady is completely unheard of. If you know of anyone of any age suffering from this unique ailment, please do contact me at my address so that I may learn more for my research: Dr. Robert Ferdinand 55 Percy Street London, England
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MIRACLE f iction
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MIRACLE f iction
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I Jus drea of sm
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st amt my mile
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F
MIRACLE POetry
ragments
gabriel desmar
The gaze reaches the horizon, and he does not see anything in the mist, light seeps through the cracks, everything starts to fade. Sometimes even the sun shine, the brightness is diluted, the images are not perceived, eyes are absent. An atmosphere stops, the remnants bring messages, some bricks remain in the fragmented walls. Forgetting circulates on the rails, fences nonexistent arrived, hiding the blue waters and also the sleeping trails. Remains the breeze on his face, otherwise it diluted in the day, some spirits watching me while I walk these places. 22 Depression ISSUE
D
ream master
No more black holes, mouth nose ears; mouth as is my masters, my clean employer. He is as I dream for.
Mark Potts
Waking up to a breakfast tray including coffee with cream; I didn’t know the war! As I lay my head cleanly to bed with a full stomach to wake; without war in my head, (which were all boys snoring around me last night). As the sweet smell of windblown scented garden flows around me, this is my own time. Ecstasy. At; it; I’m ex stat ic.
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MIRACLE creative
S U B DUED in the pinks
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MIRACLE creative
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;
MIRACLE believe
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Wait
MIRACLE believe
your story isn’t over it 29 Depression ISSUE
MIRACLE creative
The Corpse DAY BY DAY, HER SOUL WEIGHED LESS Photographed by: PRANJAL MARWAHA DILAWAR BENIPAL
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MIRACLE creative
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MIRACLE creative
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MIRACLE creative
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MIRACLE creative
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MIRACLE creative
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I
MIRACLE POetry
nk windows
kushal podder
I ink a window on the wall. This should heal a wound. This tattoo would call the evening soldiers home. This would let out my screaming – hey, I need you to build peace inside. This would swell when moulds will announce rainy season and slacken like the arm of an old biker when from nowhere the leaves will send me mail from the cold. .
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“Loner like m
my grief food"
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Pillowtalk
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MIRACLE fashion
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MIRACLE fashion
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MIRACLE fashion
You quiver as the touch of the pen makes your senses work like before. Your beating heart loses a nerve and pounds on the wall of your chest again. Boom. You were the victim of your own sullen thoughts. You have lived with the ghosts and pretty follies of your past under your drenched pillow every damned night 43 Depression ISSUE
MIRACLE fashion
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MIRACLE fashion
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My eye heart reck lia 46 Depression ISSUE
es and t are kless ars 47 Depression ISSUE
T
MIRACLE POetry
iger eyes and Lion Skins
Troy Cabida
if it pleases you you can let my heart be your lover though it might not know much about monthsaries how to always send you good morning texts each morning and how to act surprised when you think the holidays’ lingered on your waist but it’s familiar with the bitterness of the lonely it knows how to handle the softness in a thorny heart to heart, it’s been through the snowstorms of darkness, it’s become an alien human only when you come near it and if ever you decide you don’t want it wrapped around your perfectly proportioned waist anymore you don’t have worry about breaking it apart from you for this organ’s forever laced in tiger’s eye, in the form of bead, swinging on a leather string or perched on a silver ring it’ll deflect all the hurt you’ll feed it all the moonlight you’ll eventually give it in return for the sunlight leaving it only gratified to have conquered your grey cravings and that it left you bright. and its spirit will still roar even if it’s empty, your absence slowly lingering like an aging wound. 48 Depression ISSUE
D
ark of the moon
Deborah L. Fruchey
We picked the wrong night for this. A rowboat on an ebony lake, a succulent picnic stowed under the boards, soft sweaters, stout oars clutched in agile hands, have not been enough to lure romance to this date. The little star sisters are distracted, misbehaving without a guardian, throwing speckled, patchy pin lights at each other so that the heavens only shiver and giggle in an unpleasant way. This dim canopy is too tarnished and bruised for the trading of secrets or kisses. Who can see through riffled, obsidian water to hollow fish or expanding slippery things gnawing toothlessly on our skittering hull? How would we know of undercurrents herding us toward black ice on empty shores? Is yours the last face I will see as I fall backwards into liquid smotheration? I’ll take no chances tonight with my laughter or my lips. Row us back to the gravelly beach, my mistimed companion of darkness. We’ll crouch in our separate blankets by a bonfire, its imitation solar licking our aloof faces, no substitute for the serene silver moment we have lost.
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MIRACLE issue story
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MIRACLE issue story
The Last Tea Photographed By: VARESH CHAUDHARY
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MIRACLE issue story
Expiration
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MIRACLE issue story
She stole some of the scent drugs for a quiet tea-party in her cofffiin. 53 Depression ISSUE
Disguised as someone who i don’t want to be 54 Depression ISSUE
B
MIRACLE POetry
eing Jewish in a Small Town
Lyn Lifshin
Someone writes kike on the blackboard and the “k’s” pull through the chalk, stick in my
want blond hair blowing from their car. They don’t know my black braids
plump pale thighs. Even after the high school burns down the word is written in
smell of almond. I wear my clothes loose so no one dreams who I am,
the ashes. My under pants’ elastic snaps on Main St because I can’t go to
will never know Hebrew, keep a Christmas tree in my drawer. In
Pilgrim Fellowship. I’m the one Jewish girl in town but the 4 Cohen brothers
the dark, my fingers could be the menorah that pulls you toward honey in the snow.
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MIRACLE Preview
You can be the stitch to your tear. The bug to your collapsed lady.
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MIRACLE preview
Rebirth Edition
Coming Soon.
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MIRACLE interview
Daljit Nagra
Miracle Poetry Editor Elizabeth Gibson talks to successful British poet Daljit Nagra about inspiration, heritage and success.
be a great idea! Also, writing about these barely educated Indians posed challenge for me, how should I communicate their India voices, instead of translating their words I created an artificial voice for them. These monologues were very successful for me.
EG: When and why did you decide to write poetry? DN: I used to write song lyrics but I didn’t fancy joining a rock band. I came across some poetry by William Blake when I was 19 years old and it was life-changing. I started reading poetry and would eventually write poetry for fun until I was in my 30s. At this latter stage, I had feedback from an established poet, Ruth Padel, who told me I should get my poems published. At this point I became serious about writing and joined a writing group, started reading poetry magazines and attended poetry readings. EG: To what extent do you feel your Indian roots have influenced your work? DN: I feel my Indian roots have influenced my work hugely. I come from a rural Punjabi background and my parents worked in factories when I was growing up. I didn’t feel their voices exited in English poetry so I set about making these ordinary Punjabis the centre of the universe, in terms of poetry any way, perhaps in other ways that might not
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EG: What is your proudest achievement? DN: I feel that my three collections, all published by Faber & Faber, are my proudest achievements. I’m still humbled and gratified that Faber should seek to publish my work. They will also be publishing my next collection, British Museum, in 2017. Daljit Nagra is a British poet whose debut collection, Look We Have Coming to Dover! — a title alluding to W. H. Auden’s Look, Stranger!, D. H. Lawrence’s Look! We Have Come Through! and by epigraph also to Matthew Arnold’s “Dover Beach” — was published by Faber in February 2007. Nagra’s poems relate to the experience of Indians born in the UK (especially Indian Sikhs), and often employ language that imitates the English spoken by Indian immigrants whose first language is Punjabi, which some have termed “Punglish”
EG: Do you have any advice for young writers? DN: I would encourage young writers to spend more time reading contemporary poetry than writing it, seek feedback from experienced poets and don’t look for praise but find ways to improve the poem do this by ensuring you don’t regard the feedback on your poem as feedback on you as a person.
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