The Mischievous News
Since 1866 | miscellanynews.org
Volume CL | Issue 16
March 29, 2018
An iPhone note poem
Trump causes mass comedian layoffs L
ate-night comedy is in even more turmoil than the Trump White House. Hosts from Samantha Bee to Stephen Colbert are refusing to go on with their shows, claiming that the political climate has grown too ridiculous to satirize. “At this point, the news is already hilarious, so there’s no joy in trying to turn it into comedic material,” said Colbert, who has no current plans to return to “The Late Show.” He explained, “I was trying to research the recent scandals around the President’s womanizing, and an article popped up titled ‘Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Is Threatening to Reveal Pics of Trump’s Awful Dong.’ How do I compete with that?” Bee, who has indefinitely suspended production of “Full Frontal with Samantha Bee,” said that she has been so stressed by option paralysis that she had to book a vacation to Bermuda. “With this constant flood of absurdity, I don’t even know where to begin,” Bee lamented. “Just last week, Joe Biden claimed that if he were in high school, he would ‘take [Trump] behind the gym and beat the hell out of him’ for sexually assaulting women—and then
Trump tweeted that if the two were to scuffle, Biden would ‘go down fast and hard, crying all the way.’ Remember, these are two crusty dudes in their 70s. And every day, there are about five headlines that are just as ridiculous. This is not in my job description!” Trump was not the only target of comedians’ ire: Trevor Noah, who has shortened “The Daily Show” to a five-minute monologue, implicated Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway for her attempt to combat the opioid epidemic. At the White House’s Generation Next forum, Conway recommended fast food over fentanyl, saying, “So I guess my short advice is, as somebody double your age, eat the ice cream, have the french fry, don’t buy the street drug.” “I thought the Conway news was an Onion article,” said Noah. “How do I make that funnier than it is?” Jimmy Kimmel—who has officially resigned from his eponymous show—commented, “We can only hope that Mueller’s investigation puts impeachment on the table in the next few months. Until then, I’ll be doing a weekly webisode of Celebrities Read Mean Tweets...with absolutely no politicians allowed.” See MIDTERMS on page 2018
Courtesy of Max Pixel
Talya Phelps
White House Correspondent
Vassar College Poughkeepsie, NY
Heaven welcomed another angel this week. Geraldine the mouse’s favorite pastimes were nibbling on her roommate’s gluten-free pretzel sticks and smiling.
Student grieves loss of Geraldine the mouse Abby Knuckles
In Mouse Mourning
G
eraldine the Mouse, beloved third roommate of Joss 215, passed away late in the afternoon of March 26 in the year of our lord two thousand and eighteen. While her respect for the sovereign snack property of her two roommates left much to be desired, her nocturnal skitterings will be greatly missed by all. Before she departed from the mortal coil, Geraldine displayed extreme perseverance in the face of adversity. She overcame extreme difficulty to build her nest behind the microfridge, with easy access to the snacks on top of the fridge. She even
chewed through several Ziploc bags to munch on delicious (and expensive) gluten-free pretzel sticks and granola that I totally did not plan to stress eat later. In the rare moments when she revealed herself during the day, her golden brown fur looked so soft that those in the room almost suppressed their screams of disgust and terror. Geraldine is survived by who knows how many mice residing in Joss; that’s a terrifying thought. Her plucky spirit and ability to stay in one corner of the room made her an asset to 215, and its two remaining residents can almost bring themselves to miss her. See SQUEAK SQUEAK on page 42
Izzy Migani
Descendant of Emily Dickinson
S
hortening chicken broth, both half and Half, New England Roll Yami Yami But, at 11:30, 28th of December, Milford office, Main Street IUD and Email museum Kant is concerned with morality, but Hypothetical imperative isn’t moral731 731 731 731 731 731 Don’t! Forget to get Jack popcorn The Boom Chicka Pop kind But, at 3:30, 2nd of May DON’T FORGET PAPERS- the papers that say Webkinz username: ripetomato What STD affects the liver? What are genital herpes Wurf, HDjjf STUFF TO DO- a note that was sadly Left blank One or two bags of flour I don’t know!!! And I never Found out what the flour was for Cowboy underwear x12 Penguin thong x2 NO VICTORIA’S SECRET Why I was so adamant about not purchasing from the brand, I don’t know, but THE SIMS FOUR PETS IS 60% OFF See SIRI on page iOS 11.2.6
Zuckerberg to spill Vassar FB tea T
he tech industry and the world at large were left reeling last week when news broke that Cambridge Analytica, the name of which blatantly sounds like a nefarious, anti-democratic corporation, did indeed turn out to be a nefarious, anti-democratic corporation. It was
revealed that the British consulting firm harvested information from over 50 million Facebook users without their permission. They exploited the data to target voters with advertising that helped elect the human embodiment of a racist Facebook tirade in 2016. The data ranges from friends lists to “Which FRIENDS character are you?” personality quiz results.
Courtesy of Brian Solis via Flickr
In a recent press conference, overlord Mark Zuckerberg revealed his heinous plans to publicize everyone’s lists for VC Senior Scramble.
Inside this issue
0
NEWS
Vassar’s mail accidentally delivered to Marist College
#1
Nobody was safe from this massive Facebook leak— not even liberal arts colleges in the Hudson Valley. In its early days, “The Facebook” was a lesser-known social hub populated primarily by college students who searched for study buddies and “poked” them. It is still more or less a staple of social life on campuses such as Vassar’s because of its functions as an event planner, a means of communication and above all a platform for trillions of memes. However, a rapidly evolving world and Mark “Privacy Policy” Zuckerberg have wrought terrible changes. Reports suggest that the Zuck allowed for the release of a plethora of private information from Vassar students in particular. Among many other topics, Cambridge Analytica collected data about which campus orgs students have liked, every student’s list of potential suitors for VC Senior Scramble, and the names of authors of formerly anonymous “Vassar Missed” posts. It is unclear what they intend to do with all of this information, but if their track record is any indication, they are up to no good. If you see a targeted Facebook advertisement featuring a picture of Donald Trump standing next to Meryl Streep, at least you will know why. See HACKED on page 50 million
Humor section to accept FEATURES Pulitzer Prize
Courtesy of Wikimedia
Chris Allen
Internet Whistleblower
Make sure to act right away in order to take complete advantage of the health service’s innovative, stress-relieving self-help solutions. You deserve it!
Health service offers free neck massages Tanya Kotru Gode
V
Frequent Oxygen Breather
assar’s responsive and effective health service has once again proven that it can provide useful, timely and accessible services to students. Given that students have been complaining of prolonged stress from midterms week, Vassar will provide subsidized oxygen masks and neck massages to students who need them. The headline says they’re free, but that’s what advertising is all about. Students can make appointments with the health service (now with a waiting time of only 40 minutes!) by calling their responsive helpline. They may or may not pick up, but they’re just busy helping all the other stressed students! After crossing that hurdle, students can opt to receive a
∞
detailed instruction manual for self-administered neck massages (What? Did you actually think someone was going to give you a massage?) for just $39.99. The other option is an oxygen mask for the price of $49.99, which doesn’t include an instruction manual because you’ve probably been on an airplane, and if you weren’t paying attention to the safety video then it’s your loss. Vassar’s health service is not responsible for teaching you how to breathe oxygen, which is pretty common knowledge. Students should make an appointment to avail themselves of these services ASAP, before they run out. They probably already ran out, but make an appointment anyway to kill a couple hours. Happy stress management! See OUCHIE on page $39.99
Melania Trump eyes Vassar POLITICS presidency