The Miscellany News
Since 1866 | miscellanynews.org
Volume CXLIX | Issue 17
March 30, 2017
Courtesy of publicdomainpictures and Sarah Mirk
I loved ‘The Boss Baby’ Chris Allen
Professor of Film
The Boss Baby
Tom McGrath Dreamworks
An IUD and a vacation all at once Evelyn Frick
Best Editor Ever
“T
he Boss Baby” is not just “the movie we need right now.” It’s the movie that we always needed, and always will need. It’s a timeless classic; it’s the Citizen Kane of movies about infant CEOs. The Boss Baby is the whimsical story of Boss Baby, a baby who is also a boss–or, depending on how you choose to look at it, a boss who is also a baby. The film is one and a half hours of non-stop, masterfully crafted potty humor. What more could you ask for from cinema? The cast is star-studded featuring everyone from Alec Baldwin to Jimmy Kimmel. The actress who portrays Boss Baby’s mother gives the best voice acting performance by a Vassar alum since Justin Long in “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel.” It is Lisa Kudrow’s finest work. See BABY BOSS on page 9 months
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s the snow melts away into spring once more, the birds and bees have come out to play. (I wonder if we’ll have to come up with a new adage once bees go extinct once and for all...) And you know what that means ladies; love and societal expectations that women have to take care of their own birth control are in the air! But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy spring break while doing it–here are four fun places to have a destination IUD insertion! 1. A Beach in Cancun
Just because your gynecologist is performing a complex procedure doesn’t mean that you can’t still be one of the girls gone wild! You can wake up at 9 a.m., be at the beach by 10, drink for a few hours, flash your boobs to some randos and then when your bikini bottom falls off in the ocean, it’s nature telling you it’s go time! Further,
Courtesy of Pixabay and US State Dept.
Barack Obama has tapped maple trees for sap, has tapped kegs in college and grad school, and has never ever ever ever tapped a phone.
President Trump to Obama: ‘I’d tapp that’ O
n March 4 President Donald Trump accused President Obama of wire tapping the phones in Trump Tower. These claims have since been refuted by President Obama and Director of the FBI James Comey. However, it has become clear that although Obama didn’t wiretap the phones in Trump Tower, he has, in fact, “tapped” in a number of ways. On March 7 Director Comey stated that Obama has tapped kegs, in college, law school, and at those White House events that always seemed so classy. According to Comey, Obama has recently taken an interest in tapping maple trees for sap to make syrup. According to Michelle, Barack is an incredible
Inside this issue
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NEWS
$3,000 meal plan earns students only $200 stipend
tap dancer: “Perhaps that’s what Trump meant to say? His talent has been hidden for years.” As Comey said, “President Trump has simply confused the sort of tapping Obama has been up to.” Trump tweeted, “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!” A quick google search for “tapp” yields few results, but also something very telling: Trump could not possibly be talking about wiretapping. He may be talking about The Tapp (a permanently closed Gastro Pub in Tarrytown), Tapp TV, or the Teenage Pregnancy and Parenting Program at NewYork-Presbyterian (although honestly this acronym should really be TPPP). See TAPPPP on page 44th president
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2. The Washington Monument
Honestly it seems only fitting to have a metal object implanted inside your lady business at the top of building shaped like George Washington’s penis. (Shout-out to Martha Washington, I hope your vag is resting in peace.) Besides, once your gynecologist is finished you can tour other DC hotspots like The Capitol Building and The Supreme Court. That way you can experience the grandeur of American history and visit all the men who are actively trying to take away your reproductive rights; two birds, right? 3. Your Grandmother’s Living Room
That old coot is always complaining about how you never call her, so why not do one better and whip out your beaver on her couch. One of the few
downsides to this location is that before the procedure, you’ll have to remember to take all the family pictures off of the walls. You wouldn’t want to accidentally make eye contact with Great Uncle Glenn while you’re essentially being fingered by a medical health-care professional. 4. An Alley Behind the Times Square McDonald’s
If you’re looking to score some points with your younger sister’s cool friends, this location will bring a new meaning to the word “grunge.” While the operation table might be a dumpster filled with stale McNuggets and one of those creepy Times Square Elmos might be lurking around trying to catch a peek, privacy and cleanliness are overrated. Anyway, when President Trump decides to outlaw women seeing doctors besides plastic surgeons, you’ll feel comfortable with black market healthcare. See SEXAY on page 28 day cycle
CIS warns of monthlong network outages Leah Cates
Paper and Pencil Advocate
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eginning April 1, Vassar Computing and Information Services (CIS) will perform a system upgrade on VassarOne: Single Sign-On. As a result, members of the Vassar community will be unable to access VassarOne services, including Moodle and Google for Education, until Apr. 21. During this time frame, contractors will also install new fiber optic cables connecting critical university systems, resulting in a complete network outage. The Main Library will supply typewriters, paper and pencils, in addition to pulling dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias from storage. (Hopefully they will not be too dusty and moth-eaten to use.) Reference librarians will hold workshops on the Dewey Decimal System. In the meantime, VSA President Calvin Lamothe has stated that in the coming weeks there will be vans to transport students to the Barnes and Noble on Highway 9 on trips to use their free Wifi network. The CIS has asked faculty members to mimeograph all reading assignments, essay prompts and examinations. In place of group emails, faculty members are encouraged to hand deliver letters to students’ dorm rooms. Or, if the professors live in Manhattan, use carrier pigeons. CIS Senior Network Administrator
What readers are loving on Amazon OPINIONS this week
Bjarne Stroustrup said, “We hope that this will actually help to foster a sense of community, wherein professors will not only learn their students’ addresses, but will also better relate to them by gaining a real sense of their personal lives.” Furthermore, since during this time they will have nothing else to do, the CIS Help Desk will be transforming itself from helping people with computer issues, to helping CIS people not be so terrible to transgender people and people who do not identify on the gender binary. In this way, it will literally become a CIS Help Desk. CIS Senior Network Administrator, Bjarne Stroustrup, a certified cis person, states the reason for this drastic change of services, “While most people at Vassar College pretend to be progressive or are progressive light, the way that cis people other those that don’t adhere to the classic gender binary is appalling. Since Vassar has resources for literally everything under the sun, we decided we might as well become a real CIS Help Desk to honor whomever came up with this ridiculous name.” If you have questions, or need to report an issue with your nonexistent wifi, you may submit a handwritten letter to the CIS Service Desk (124 Raymond Avenue, Box 13, Poughkeepsie, New York 12604-0013). See BINARY on page 010101
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Vassar tries to be Hogwarts Maya Sterling Flick and Swish
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his past week, Interim President Jon Chenette announced that Vassar will be participating in a “One Book, One Vassar” initiative between now and the end of the semester. This decision is inspired by “One Book, One New York,” an effort to have New Yorkers from all five boroughs read the same book. With the promise that this program will be rewarding for NYC, Vassar has embarked on its own version. “We feel that it would be beneficial if all students were on the same page, literally,” chuckled President Chenette. “Did you get that? I made a pun!” After getting past a round of giggles, Misc reporters were unable to uncover the truth about the book that has been selected. “We feel that there is only one book, albeit seven books, that truly define Vassar students and their passions,” notes President Chenette. The Office of the President has officially made the announcement: Vassar students will be reading the full Harry Potter series. While it is already assumed that all Vassar students have the full series in paperback, hard back and audiobook, extra copies will be added to the library and will be available for check out. Some students, however, have expressed concern. “It seems preposterous that we must read the series again, every Vassar student has already showed the necessary level of obsession with the books,” comments junior Dean Thomas. As Headmaster Chenette explains, “As muggles we must do our part to understand the wizarding world, and only by re-reading the series for the 476th time can we ever accomplish that.” Headmaster Chenette will be holding office hours this week to discuss the matter further with any students who have concerns. The password to get into his office is “Nosebleed Nougat.” See POTTERMORE on page 9 3/4
Courtesy of Vassar College and Jose Galisto
Anika Lanser
Tapper-in-Chief
having your vagina stretched and your cervix torn open is pretty painful so it might not be a bad idea to be catastrophically sloshed. Just be wary of all the sand, that shit gets everywhere.
Vassar College Poughkeepsie, NY
Interim President Jon Chenette poses for his official photo donning Harry Potter garb to show support for the new reading intiative and display his superfan status.
Vassar to be Division I in bocce ball and SPORTS cheese rolling