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The Palak Reporter

Volume CXLVIII | Issue 16

March 31, 2016

Since 1866 | miscellanynews.com

Vassar College Poughkeepsie, NY

‘Harrison,’ Guest speaker hopes to lift waning bro culture the next O ‘Hamilton’ Zander Bashaw Bro-Whisperer

Evelyn Frick

Broadway Dump-Star

tep aside, “Hamilton;” there’s a new musical chronicling the presidency of another American patriot! No, not any Founding Fathers. Not ringing any bells? Don’t worry, the American education system didn’t completely fail you. Most people don’t remember him, as he died immediately upon entering office. This March, the musical nobody wanted, “Harrison” opened in an alley off Times Square! Starring Nick Cage! Truthfully, I was planning on reviewing “Hamilton,” but I misheard the guy I scalped tickets from and ended up behind the Lego Store. As I write, I am sitting next to a dumpster, watching this god-forsaken musical. For, despite William Henry Harrison’s comically short presidency, the show is soo long. For 19 days I have watched Nick Cage try to beatbox and rap about a president he clearly knows nothing about. I’m currently watching the section of the musical chronicling Harrison’s illness, and Cage has been laying in a bed, silent, for a while now. The next time he falls asleep onstage, I plan to make my escape. As for “Harrison the Musical,” I give it zero stars, but I hear the film version has already been nominated for an Oscar. See MUSICAL on page 14

Ashley Pecorelli/The Miscellany News

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n Thursday, April 7 at 9 p.m., the Bro Students Alliance will host speaker Benjamin Press in the Aula. There will be a reception afterwards where people can ask questions, get high fives and enjoy refreshments such as chocolate milk and grilled chicken breasts. “We could def get some gains from having Mr. Press speak,” said Bro Students Alliance Patriarch Brett Gainez in an interview with The Miscellany News. What bros deserve to gain in society is unclear, but Press will object to the sun setting on bro culture. Press explained the challenges that face the modern-day bro. “Bros around the country are struggling to find spaces to toss crumpled napkins at cronies’ cups. That’s not all, protein prices are at an all time high.” See GAINS on page 19

Benjamin Press addresses a large crowd at Vanderbilt, his alma mater, where he majored in economics and was a multi-sport intramural athlete. His public speaking career stemmed from a passion for giving lifting advice to strangers.

Patrons protest mug closing before ‘love hour’ Talya Phelps

Mug Vigilante

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o many Vassar students, the Mug is a great equalizer: all boundaries of class, race and dignity fade away when you are crammed into a lightless cavern like drunken sardines, bopping violently to some Bard band with a name like “Duck Zodiac.” So it is no wonder that rumors of the Mug closing before midnight have sent enthusiasts into a

frenzy. “It may sound like a torturous hellscape if you haven’t been inside it,” said freshman Frieda Flagon, one of the leaders of the current Mug vigil, “but once you give it a try, you’ll realize it’s actually a torturous hellscape with great odds of hooking up!” The vigil began with Mug defenders sitting outside its entrance, quietly chanting Nicki Minaj raps and holding liquor-filled mugs with votive candles floating in them. When security

deemed the mix of ethanol and flame a fire hazard, protesters became creative, chaining themselves to the Mug door hippie-style or tearfully accosting Main residents in the elevator, asking if they knew how lucky they were to live in the same building as “the best club north of Mamaroneck.” One Main junior lamented “I just want them to leave me alone, I should have stayed in Raymond!” Remaining realistic about prospects

UpC guy behind Vassar Missed Lily Horner

Aspiring Admin

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he Vassar Missed admin has finally revealed himself. Patrick “The UpC/Kiosk Guy” has posted a statement on the page and disclosed his role as the mind behind the most popular Vassar-related Facebook group since Good Party Themes became Very Mediocre Party Themes. Patrick/UpC Guy has confessed to starting the page in order to garner

compliments for the people working tireless nights at UpC, but his efforts were all for naught. Patrick bemoaned, “No one even gave a shout out to Precious. Precious! She’s the Kiosk’s gem” His other inspiration came from the never-ending line at UpC. “If people line up for $15 smoothies, they must be equally desperate for love,” he wrote. In his statement that was longer than a Mark Zuckerberg treatise, Patrick outlined how he used gossip from

other students to get his page off the ground, “People trusted me, so I used that trust to make people feel better about themselves. I’d say I’m going straight to that Kiosk in the sky.” Though Patrick seems to be happy at the success his page received, he is wary of how many posts he had to choose not to publish. Apparently, there were many posts criticizing The Misc, specifically the Humor Editor. See SMOOTH on page 14

Sam Pianello/The Miscellany News

Patrick has been an anonymous hero to the countless students who know him as The UpC Guy and now the Missed admin. Both UpC and the online profile represent ways for people to connect with their passions, whether sugary or romantic.

Inside this issue

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Singing mice, birds to dress Sanders for POLITICS Wisconsin rally

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Baldwin to placate campus climate with SCIENCE new Chill Pill

for saving the Mug, vigil participants have begun searching for potential new club locations and titles, including the library basement (Dewey Decimal After Dark). At press time, protesters had swarmed the Old Bookstore, cranked the UpC music up to deafening levels, and begun raging on top of those lurid orange foam things, ignoring criticism such as “it’s Tuesday night!” or “do that in the CIS office and not on my essay!” See ‘ARTS’ on page 14

Students screw up Vassar Wifi hotspot Steven Park Floppy Disk

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fter growing complaints about Student Secure’s inability to perform at the most inopportune times, investigative reporters at The Miscellany News infiltrated the Computing & Information Services (CIS) department only to discover that the wifi’s embarrassing dysfunction is caused by students securing themselves to each other on top of Server machines during fullblown orgies. Prompted by the twenty-fifth CIS email this month, the reporters witnessed squeamish members of the CIS gagging as they tried to convince six Vassar upperclassmen to climb down from the Server machines and “stop uploading their data into other people’s hard drives.” Upon seeing the horrified yet slightly impressed reporters, head of the CIS Michael Cato quickly tried to block their view from what he called “a most indecent exposure.” Unfortunately, the event reached an even more absurd climax when two couples found themselves tangled in wire cords and suspended in the air, crying out in fear (probably). Once the horny students were shooed out and the obviously traumatized Michael Cato was given a few minutes to breathe in a paper

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bag, the reporters were finally able to grasp what was going on. “Every damn time...we turn on the lights, we see...students ‘getting busy’ on top of our Server machines...making a whole bunch of ungodly sounds,” stated Michael Cato in-between gasps into his paper bag. It appears that, due to the freezing weather outside, the frequent patrons of Vassar’s famous sex tree have turned to the CIS maintenance office as a viable and equally romantic substitute. Once word got out about the new “Hotspot” on campus, the CIS office became the go-to place to “study biology” for members of the Vassar Orgy Finder Facebook page. As much as college promotes experimentation and fun times, the CIS is forced to shut down the Server afterwards to wipe up the mess. Michael Cato groaned as he explained, “We knew we had to talk to the Dean of Students about this... but none of us were exactly eager to describe the...ugh...orgies to him in detail. Please don’t make me go into detail.” Following his haggard explanation, Cato excused himself again to return to his paper bag. At press time, Cato was absent, but CIS workers told us he would return soon after buying another bottle of Windex. See THRUST on page 4

First-time voter half-heartedly tries to POLITICAL get an absentee ballot SCIENCE


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