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The Miscellany News

Volume CXLVII | Issue 17

April 2, 2015

Since 1866 | miscellanynews.com

Cappy’s Kids kicks off first year Al Vocado

Editor-in-Chief

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n Nov. 2014, the College reached out to Margolis Healy to investigate ongoing claims of racial profiling, and their published report noted, “It was clear during our visit that there is much confusion about what it means to be an ‘open campus.’” Since then, the College has striven to make Vassar College as open and accessible to all members of both the College and Poughkeepsie community. As a result, the outreach initiative Cappy’s Kids will kick off at the end of April.

Cappy’s Kids is a weekend-long program that invites underprivileged Poughkeepsie youth to stay in the house of President Catharine Bond Hill. A total of 25 youths— ranging in ages from eight to 14— will drink snifters of scotch, create macaroni picture frames with pearls instead of macaroni and play tug-o-war with her scarves. The 25 youths are selected based on an application process, which asks the applicants to answer a series of questions about economics and what diversity means to them. When contacted for an inter-

Vassar College Poughkeepsie, NY

view with The Miscellany News, the Office declined to respond. Allegedly, Hill’s two interns were told to address any Misc reporters in woofs, meows, squawks or with the sound of “chocolate melting in a diamond-encrusted fondue pot.” The Office offered input only in the form of a sticky note tacked up to their door. “We take up so much space in this town, so we, like, kinda get why people are always wandering through. Our presence is, like, totally ubiquitous, so, like we totally get it.” See SHAMELESS on page 378

No laughing matter: VC to go joke-free 2016 Eumer Mie

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News Editor

n April 1, the Administration announced its decision to make Vassar joke-free by 2016. “There is incontrovertible evidence that joking is a dangerous addiction and that secondhand jokes affect everyone,” reads jokefree.vassar.edu, a Blogspot site run by the Office of the Dean of the College. “It’s scary to think what this means for the The Misc’s humor section,” former Humor & Satire editor Ash Leschaps ’07 said. “I guess this means The Chronicle is going to get to keep their ‘Last Page.’”

The zero-tolerance policy notes: All joking will be banned in and within 50 feet of buildings; joke detectors will be set up in every dorm room and public space; students’ Facebook statuses and tweets will be scanned for any trace of “LOL,” “LMFAO,” “SCREAMING” or “ha.” Students will receive disciplinary action if caught “cracking up” or “dying” outside, especially during both daylight and night hours. For students who might need to be weaned off joking, the College will offer sessions on quitting joking with Director of Health Education Renee Pabst for 17 dollars a pop. See JOKIE THE BEAR on page 42

Brewers bubbling with pride over DII status Eng LeChanel /The Miscellany News

Pictured above, Professor Catharine Bond Hill poses with a group of diverse Poughkeespie youth. Although Cappy’s Kids is only in its first year and takes place once a year, the program aims to make “outsiders” feel at home on campus.

Hick Hack

S

Sports Editor

ay goodbye to DIII letdowns and hello to the big leagues: Vassar College is now a DII school. “The sports program here was content with being mediocre in the worst league in the country,” wrote Roman Czula at the very end of the most recent [In-the-Pink] issue, “but I have made it my life mission to move Vassar from DIII to DII.” After years of secretive meetings with the Counsel of Highly Important Players and Stuff (CHIPS), Czula finally fulfilled his wish. Now Vassar will

be playing against more prestigious schools like Northwest Nazarene University, Palm Beach Atlantic University, Post University (formerly Teikyo Post University) and Emporia State University (formerly Kansas State Normal School). The move to DII will require all students to attend at least one game for each sports team, including fencing. Officials will be stationed within the crowd to monitor morale. “Ironic cheering will not be tolerated. DII schools are not ironic,” wrote Czula. See SPUNKY BREWSTERS on page 3.14

Tiny violin Iggy Iggs gon’ make Founder’s Day ‘the realest’ serenades T VSA Council Fey-Ann See Arts Editor

Viola Lynn

Features Editor

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Inside this issue

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Room draw system to implement FEATURES imaginary numbers

Sailor Venus /The Miscellany News

n the weeks leading up to spring break, the four or five at-large members who spend VSA Council meetings “livetweeting” for a total of three or four Twitter users reported mysterious string music coming from somewhere in the College Center MPR. “It sounded like someone was crouched in a corner somewhere, watching the ‘Titanic’ scene when the ship is sinking and the quartet is just playing,” Bee Ayefelisha ’17 said. “I mean, it was beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes, but then again maybe it’s the onion sandwich I inhale every Sunday night.” At-large members eventually noticed the music crescendoes whenever a VSA Executive Board member gives a bleeding-heart speech. “We noticed it got especially louder whenever an Exec member claimed they ‘did work’ or were ‘an expert in their position’ or ‘received three hundred emails in a two-hour span’ or ‘looked at the consensus agenda’ or ‘showered,’” at-large member Sam Costco ’15 wrote in an emailed statement. At-large members sought opportunity to search the room, flipping over tables, when Council became distracted for over twenty minutes by a typo on the agenda. They located the source of the noise—the world’s smallest violin, tucked away behind the projector. See RIVER OF CRIES on page 777

hroughout the academic year, students and faculty members alike have called out the Administration for its disregard of the racially hostile campus environment at Vassar. In response, the College has made a bold and progressive step in the ongoing campaign to accommodate students of color—it’s ripped open the endowment, converted it to VCash and thrown the funds at Not-NoViCE to invite rapper Iggy Azalea to perform at this year’s Founder’s Day. In a series of tweets on Tuesday, March 31, Not-No-ViCE announced the news. “That’s right, we got Iggy Iggs; students of color are finally getting some love.” Within minutes after the breaking news, students took their excitement to Yik Yak. “Is it kind of racist to assume that all people of color have an innate love of rap music?” one user Yakked. Inexplicably, the response was downvoted at breakneck speeds. Another user rushed to defend the Administration. They wrote, “Was Iggy the best choice considering that she has the talent of a stale powdered donut you get from the gas station? Probably not. But hey, the Administration gets an ‘A’ for effort, which is better than an ‘A’ for apathy or antagonizing victims of assault.” Noting the backlash, the Administration responded in a group-written emailed statement, “We’re head over heels to have someone as diverse as Ms. Azalea perform. First things first, she’s the realest.” Noted rap artist and Australian expat Iggy Azalea will headline a rare Founder’s Day performance. NotSee PROBLEMS? on page 1-800-555-555 No-ViCe, the organization incharge of the plannining, report that Ms. Azalea is working on her “flow game.”

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Staff Editorial: Our major advisor could OPINIONS kick your advisor’s ass

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The ACDC serves up the last known bison three times a week


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