Iscellanymay Ewsnay
Since 1999 | @hannahgaven
Vassar College Poughkeepsie, NY
Volume CLI | Issue 18
April 1, 2019
Class of ’19 has been held back Talya Phelps Courtesy of Pablo Picasso
Super-Senior
“V
assar will not be holding Commencement this year,” Registrar Colleen Mallet announced on March 27, “as all but one member of the Class of 2019 has unfortunately been held back.” Marking a first in Vassar history, nearly every senior in the class of over 600 failed to complete their Pablo Picasso observed that “Every child is an artist. The problem is how course requirements or otherwise to remain an artist once we grow up.” Above is his most famous painting. neglected to meet the criteria for graduation. The lone exception was Pearl Pearson ’19, an American Studies major from Billings, Mont., who Annie Wang as if they knew what the professor Eats The Frosting First was saying. Art is indeed subjective. reat artists have insightful “It’s jazzy for the sake of being words for future creatives to jazzy.” meditate on. Matisse boldly said that “It’s not like one and two...it’s more Francisco Andrade “Creativity takes courage.” Bob Ross like one and one prime.” Voice Of Reason encouraged audiences with, “We “It shouldn’t be good, but I keep don’t make mistakes, just happy little going back to it, so I like it.” study by Fictional State Uniaccidents.” Georgia O’Keeffe clapped “Squares are boring.” versity (FSU) shed light on a back at critics with, “I feel there is “You’re looking, but you’re not question that plagues all students: something unexplored about wom- seeing.” Should I be skipping class? Proen that only a woman can explore.” “The white square represents the fessors chanted horrifically, “Sure, As mentors who mold future artists, void in our souls.” who cares? They’re the ones that Studio Art and Art History profes“Vassar breeds complacency.” will have to pay a lifetime of debt sors must have ingenious things to “When you eat a cake, do you eat for education, so let them sleep.” say as well, right? Mostly, this is true. the cake first or the frosting first? I Professors have a hard enough But sometimes they’re...quirky. Here think you eat the frosting first.” job working long hours without are quotes that made students smile See ARTSY AF on page 105 overtime to worry about one miss-
Art students say WTF
describes herself as completely unremarkable. “I have no idea how this happened,” said Pearson. “I’ve always been a solid B student. Honestly, I thought it was a mistake when I got in here. I guess I really proved myself wrong.” The remaining seniors will be absorbed into the Class of 2020—a development that is sure to put strain on residential houses. The Office of Residential Life stated, “We will be implementing a twoto-a-bed policy so that apartments can hold up to ten students, and the Raymond basement will be repurposed to accommodate runoff.”
Seniors had mixed reactions to the news: Some dreaded telling their parents they would have to fill out a fifth FAFSA, while others were overjoyed at the prospect of spending another year with their friends and romantic partners. Hubert Herrera ’19 enthused, “There’s this sophomore I’ve been hooking up with, but she hasn’t returned my texts lately. I figure she’s scared to commit to a senior, but since that’s no longer a problem, I think I’m going to tell her I love her.” The sophomore, for her part, declined to comment. See NO ESCAPE on page 19
Should I skip class? Profs say yes
G
A
ing quiz. In fact, they want to use that time for fun things, like anything not involving you. They absolutely would rather shape the minds of people who want to learn and don’t ramble half the class to buy time. They know for a fact you didn’t study at all and are still nursing two weeks of break hangovers. You think they can’t wait to hear why you haven’t even started on your paper that was assigned before break, but they know it’s prob-
ably because you couldn’t even remember your name most nights. You may be thinking “Woah this feels personal. Is he using the royal you and addressing all lackadaisical students?” No, I’m not. I’m talking about you. Specifically you. You know who you are. How dare you not take this seriously? That’s it. I am calling your mother, so she can yell at you! Why are you even reading this right now? Go study! See SLEEP IN on page FAIL
Mueller report: Where are our crazy kids now? Josie Schermerhorn Political Reporter
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n March 22, Robert Mueller turned in his report to the Attorney General and did not suggest any additional indictments. When the dust has settled, I checked in with some of the people involved in the investigation to see how they were handling it coming to an end. Mueller to retired from public service and spends his time reliving his glory days as director of the FBI by watching “The X-Files” and writing Scully/Mulder fanfiction. Donald Trump Jr. has been celebrating the fact that no indictments were recommended for him by throwing a week-long kegger in Trump Tower’s gold apartment. Reports say that the party features a marionette that resembles Jeff Sessions and a raffle to win a day golfing with Trump Sr. at Mar-a-Lago. The party also features a large screen that plays clips of every time Fox News personalities said that the special investigation was a witch hunt. Sean Hannity is heavily featured in the video, which is fitting, as he compiled all the clips as a present to the Trump family. Ivanka Trump is deflecting ques-
Inside this issue
69 KINKS
tions about the investigation by reminding people that she and Karlie Kloss are sisters-in-law, and she is just focused on supporting Karlie as the new host of Project Runway, whether Karlie wants the support or not. Roger Stone spent this weekend tattooing Donald Trump’s face on his lower back to match his Nixon tattoo. While Stone admitted that it looks guilty to have Trump added to his back where he keeps track of the presidents he committed crimes for, Stone said it was worth it to avoid having to get Trump’s face as a stick and poke in jail. My Republican uncle sent me a voice memo of him chanting “Lock her up!” He posted Trump memes on Facebook, and my aunt liked it, so now I have to avoid two family members this Thanksgiving. Lindsey Graham is back to feeling confident that he made the right pick in his new political best friend, and he is currently planning a road trip for him and Trump to South Carolina. Graham figures now that he’s riding high, he should take a crack at writing poetic emails about road-tripping since it worked so well for Beto O’Rourke. See CRAZY POLITICS on page 538
Secrete society update: Tying knots gets naughty with illuminati
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Wikimedia Commons and Electric Teeth via Flickr Apparently all three items shown above are not AirPods, despite the fact that they look identical. I know you don’t believe me, but I swear there are toothbrush heads and Q-tips in the picture.
Apple gods saved us with AirPods Isabelle Paquette
Sponsored By The Apple Gods
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e’ve all seen at least one Vassar student walking around campus with them, and whether we want to or not, we can’t help but stare. One of the newest Hunger Games gift parachutes sent to us tributes by the Apple gods has been literally saving lives and ears across the country. These OralB mini electric toothbrush heads, otherwise known as AirPods, are the company’s innovate design for ~wireless~ headphones, complete with tangle-free technology and 100 percent guaranteed egotism. After finally purchasing Airpods, one student, who wishes to be anonymous, recounted their in-
Celebrity Snooki murdered after licking every single chocolate chip cookie
credible experience of self-discovery and success. “Before I had Airpods, I was just a regular human. It was tough. My earbuds required constant wrapping and prohibited me from charging my phone while listening to music. One day someone told me, “I feel like you have Airpods. You look like someone who would have them.” It was honestly one of the best compliments I’ve ever received, so I had to make it true. Now, with Airpods, my world has changed for the better. After my first day wearing them, I noticed I couldn’t understand the word “broke” anymore. Like, I can say it, but I don’t know the meaning of the word, you know?” The student disclosed what it’s
#2
like to be part of such an exclusive group of listeners. “It’s like I’ve been accepted into an elite membership. They never fall out, which is great because I basically never take them off, even when I’m in the Deece and asking for my food.” However, the student claims they recognize their privilege. “I’m in a Sociology class about race, class and gender, and something I learned was making sure I accept how I contribute to the problem. I try to stay humble most of the time, and if that means putting on a pair of headphones over my Airpods, it’s what I have to do.” Blast Ariana Grande’s “7 Rings,” and invest in your own Q-tips now! See NO STRINGS on page $159
Student destroys squatty potty, figures only option TOILETS is to use friend as replacement stool