Banger Banter 4th Quarter 2010

- DECEMBER BANGER Banger BanterBANTER OCTOBER -NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2010 OCTOBER NEWSLETTER

WWW,OLDBANGKOKBANGER.COM

Photo Essays SOUTH AFRICA THAILAND

Photos Essays

From The Armchair WOMENS WORLD

RUGBY CUP From The Armchair The Healthy Banger

The Healthy GOOD Banger IS BEER YOU ?

ISFOR BEER GOOD FOR YOU

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“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

October - December 2010

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Message from The Chairman Andrew McDowell delivers a compelling message to members.

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Tates Tates jottings on were we have been and where we are going

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Mi Chiama Roberto Advice from the Colts captain Roberto Goulo

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The Next Step The coach writes - YOU READ OK

Vintage Rugby Carnival 2010. Cape Town Photo essay of the Vets in Cape Town

The Ancient Quill 2nd run for the Banger Ancients at British Club Tens

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Stews Views Stewart Gorman writes about life back in England

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Five Minutes Quick questions to Drew Bourton

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British Club Vinarco Cup

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Geoff The Chef

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Photo essay of Banger Vets magnificent win How to make a pork pie.

The Days Of Our Wives Interview With Verna Burgess

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From The Armchair Womens rugby and where it is going

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The Wall Of knowledge Full house on test match day

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Clubhouse Whats happening at Wall Street

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The Healthy Banger Is beer good for you?

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Hartley’s Banger Humour

Chris finds joke to brighten up your day

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I

t was an interesting and exciting last quarter with a lot going on for the Bangers Firstly, the Bangers rediscovered their winning ways and that was important. Whilst we promote themselves as social rugby club, there is nothing like a win now and again to raise the spirits. So I suppose its really about Fun, Friendship, Fraternity and a few points on the board.

The recruitment drive response, has been nothing short of spectacular, with many new players enquiring and joining the club through the web site.

It is now normal for over 20 players to turn up for a game and for training on a Sunday. This probably give the coach a few headaches selecting his team however, I notice he is not complaining.

The recent British Club Vinarco International Tens, went down well with local rugby supporters. Just a good day out. The Banger Vets won the competition in a decider against the Southerners.

Even the Ancients got a trot, for the second time this year. Off the pitch the atmosphere was electric. The right mix of fun, frivolity and of course rugby. Its was generous of Vince Swift, to sponsor the tournament and has indicated, he is going to do the same next year.

The Banger Colts are currently playing in the Royal Bangkok Sports Club competition. They score a marvellous win against The Southerners in their match up in the first round. The Soi 33 Cup was on the line and now has been returned to its rightful owners.!!! These derby matches are always tough with many Bangers having played for the Southerners earlier in their careers.

Cris Dunning has done a great job with the sponsorship this year with some major companies taking an interest in our endeavours. Heineken are now a prime sponsors for the next two years.

Stories are still coming in about the 2010 Vintage Rugby Carnival in Cape Town. All tourists said it was great event with many new friendships made with other clubs. The trick now is to get more of these veteran touring sides to come and play in Thailand.

Finally, if you want to contribute to building a better Banger Banter each quarter, please contact me. Another pair of hand wouldn’t go astray.

Mike EDITORIAL : Roberto Guolo, Andrew Tatam, Peter Burgess, Rick O’Shea, Geoff McKenna, Grahame Fox, Mike Laloli

CONTRIBUTORS : Andrew McDowell, Patrick Bernard, Kevin Hutton-Smith, Chris Hartley, Tom Kerr, Verna Burgess

PROOF READER : Roger Fitzgerald WEBMASTER : Jason Manning

PHOTOGRAPHY : Johnn Jaspers, Robert Brewer

BANGER BANTER is published quarterly by the Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club for members, sponsors and friends of the rugby club. The Banger Banter is downloadable from the club web site. Members contribute all editorial and photography. The layout and design is provided by Ruck Graphics - a member of the Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Club

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Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

“You

of you know, A sa many small contingent

of Banger Veterans returned recently from the latest in the series of Vintage Rugby Carnivals. It was the fourth such festival and was held in the beautiful city of Cape Town, South Africa.

The number of tourists was less than we expected however, what we lacked in numbers we made up for in team touring spirit. For our departure, we observed the usual dress code, and Mike Laloli was on hand at the airport to document our exit with a few photos.

It was election day however, Brian Sinclair-Thompson did us proud by arranging drinks at the airport hotel between check in and departure. We had a stopover in Kuala Lumpur (KL) and thanks to Brian, we were able to stay over in the business class lounge and Rick O”Shea was on hand to ensure we watch a memorable game of Tri-Nations rugby, between the Wallabies and the All Blacks.

We all arrived safely in Cape Town minus Roger Fitzgerald’s suitcase which unfortunately he had to wait more than a day for it to turn up. It was lucky I did not laugh, because the same happened to me arriving back in Bangkok. Thanks to the ground staff, it was returned to me.

Our hotel was great and so was the organization, due to numbers we teamed up with The Manly Steamers.

We had our team photos taken with Table Mountain as a backdrop, both teams were taken separately and we also had a joint photo taken aptly named “The Steaming Bangers”. Two photos are up in the Club House bar in Wall Street.

We had three games, the latter two were the more memorable not because of the result but because of the true vintage spirit in which they were played.

I think I can say for all who went that it was a great social rugby trip and well enjoyed by all. I would like to thank the tour specific sponsors, Aurecon Group (Cris Dunning) and Jardine Shipping Services (Simon Davies).

I would also like to thank those that had a big hand in the organization, Rick O’Shea for the tour planning, 6

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Will Always Be A Banger”

Brian-Sinclair-Thompson for the budget airline tickets and other travel arrangements, and Roger Fitzgerald for the arranging the shirts etc.

On general club matters, I would like to mention, Cris Dunning and highlight the great job has done with sponsorship. We now have Heineken on board as a Gold Sponsor for two years.

In addition, Jardine Shipping Services and Aurecon/ Halcrow are Silver Sponsors, RSM Thailand, Transpo and Queen Victoria Pub & Restaurant Bronze Sponsors and Wall Street, Swiss Air, Sheraton Grande Sukhumvit and X-treme Sports in-kind sponsors for 2010-11 season.

Eddie Evans from Extreme Sport is supplying twenty new sets of playing gear with the new sponsor logos on the garments. We can expect twenty or more club members, will order personalized gear to make up 40 sets.

We must also give a special thanks to Doug Ozanne and The Sheraton Grande Sukhumvit for the Player of the Match awards. There are many others who put money and time into the club and apologies in advance for not mentioning your names individually.

Please don’t forget to support our sponsors and their products whenever you have a chance, they are extremely important to us and we could not do all the things we organise without their generous support.

As time goes by, the Bangers have evolved, starting with our enthusiastic founders nine years ago to a club with as as many young members as veterans.

It is up to all of us, the Colts, Veterans, and Ancients, to put the effort in, to ensure we keep a balance of activities for all.

Please turn up at as many activities as you can, even if it is not in your particular age groups interest. We need more spectators and supporters at all games and events, regardless of the age band .

Please make the effort – the reward will be the “Fun, Fraternity, and Friendship” - not just on our letterhead but in real life.

Don’t forget, if you have any suggestions for the running of the club, please let me or any of the committee members know.

Yours in Banger Rugby

Andrew Andrew McDowell

Chairman Old Bangkok Bangers Rugby Club

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

I

am delighted to be able to contribute to another fine edition of the famous Banter, with such a wealth of positive Banger news.

It gives me pleasure to share our most recent exploits since returning to full training in early August beginning with a tremendous effort of twelve of our more senior members making the long but unforgettable trip to play in the Vintage Rugby Carnival in Cape Town, South Africa. A great effort chaps and always great to spread the Old Bangkok Banger ethos of Fun, Friendship and Fraternity to an even wider rugby community.

It was by no mean feat that while they were away, we were able to put a very strong Old Boys Team in the British Club Tens here in Bangkok, with six teams competing for the Vinarco Tens Trophy. It was a great team effort bringing home the silverware.

A sensational tournament with the Ancients getting qetting a trot also. A huge thank you to the British Club for their hard work in bringing more Old Boys Rugby to Bangkok.

The club has also had two matches against the Bangkok Japanese as they prepared for an important game against their old rivals the Singapore Japanese which thanks to our practice matches they won for the first time since 2004 so congratulations to the Bangkok Japanese.

Andrew “Tates” Tatam These games were open age with rolling subs It was a proud moment to have nearly 40 booted Bangers for the first and 30 booted Bangers for the second match both of which we won and bedded many new players into the club.

The Royal Bangkok Sports Club have also been kind enough to invite us to play in their evening tournament and at the time of writing we have already beaten the Southerners to regain the Soi 33 Cup in a tense game coming from 10-5 down with 5 minutes to go to win 10-18. Woof!

Our second game proved to be a bye. However with 24 players present on the night able to play a very competitive match between ourselves A great indicator of Banger health.

I hope we continued our tremendous start to this season. As you all know, we have a very busy run up to Christmas

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t the time I was 14 years old. The Australian rugby player named David Campese use to visit our rugby summer camps in Italy. He joined us during the meeting where the players and coaches gathered after dining and there he spoke about rugby and also about how to be a rugby player on and off pitch.

I do not recall what he said but I remember when he took off a piece of paper from his pocket and he started to read those words. At the end of the meeting I asked him “where can I find what you have just read?”

He handed it to me. Since then I have kept that piece of paper with me and applied them throughout today.

Perhaps those are just words for me, however I would like to share them with you the Banger Banter and hopefully you could bring them into play.

A presto

THE WINNERS WINNERS TAKE CHANCES Like everyone else, the fear failing, but they refuse to let fear control them.

Roberto Goulo - Colts Captain

WINNERS DON’T GIVE UP When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets better.

WINNERS ARE FLEXIBLE They realise there is more than one way and are willing to try others.

WINNERS KNOW THEY ARE NOT PERFECT They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths.

WINNERS FALL, BUT THEY DON’T STAY DOWN They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing.

WINNERS DON’T BLAME FATE FOR THEIR FAILURES NOR LUCK FOR THEIR SUCCESSES Winners accept responsability for their lives.

WINNERS ARE POSITIVE THINKERS WHO SEE GOOD IN ALL THINGS From the ordinary, they make the extraordinary.

WINNERS BELIEVE IN THE PATH THEY HAVE CHOSEN Even when it’s hard, even when others can’t see where they are going.

WINNERS ARE PATIENT They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that’s required achieve it.

WINNERS ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU They make this world a better place to be.

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“You

he RBSC competition is upon us again & will continue keep our attention for the next 6 weeks. As we learnt from the TRU competition we must maintain our composure & play to the referee regardless of the decision.

As a club we like to win but to achieve this we must play as a team and to achieve this we must ensure we get players to training, so we can get the basic framework of our game understood.

It is pointless turning up to play games & having to teach players who have not been to training line-out calls, scrum moves, tap penalties & free kicks with only 20 minutes before kick off. This is frustrating for coaches, players and takes some of the enjoyment out of the game for all.

We have gained some new players to compliment our seasoned stalwarts.

I believe we have a good balance of talent in all positions to win more games if we can train together.

Individual skill is a bonus in any team however a good team of players who understand what they should be doing is the real objective for the Bangers and a must if we want to win the RBSC competition.

A number of players & supporters have commented on our lack of discipline i’e too much back-chat with the referee & officials.

This obviously needs to improve. It only creates disharmony with the officials and within the team. We will be looking for big improvements in this area over the next few weeks

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Peter Burgess

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

COVER STORY

Kevin Hulton-Smith

I

was born in 1942 and was dragged up in orphanages as a young boy, so had no choice, the schools played rugby league and I did enjoy it.

I liked the rough and tumble of the tackling and the scrums.

As a teenager I lived in Coogee in suburban Sydney, where the Randwick rugby club have their training ground. I used to go to the Coogee Oval and run with the senior team. A friend of mine suggested we join Eastwood Juniors Rugby Club. It was turning point my life I was 17, and played breakaway/loose forward with them for five years.

The introduction in the rugby into orphanages was a good start and found that team work and team mates were a good social item for an environment that was pretty grim in many other respects.

Once he was on my own he made the effort to find the rugby scene “I found Rugby rather than rugby league” One role model player I have always admired is John Eales, Australian lock and Captain of the 1999 World Cup Champions. His nick-name was “nobody” because nobody is perfect.

I also enjoyed other sports as a young man, weightlifting, boxing, squash and handball were high on

the agenda. In my late teens, I joined the Army Reserve where I was instructed in mountaineering, parachuting, canoeing and other skills I would prefer not to discuss.

My working career has been interesting to say the least I have worked for SMC for 35 years starting with them in Sydney. The company sent me to Singapore in mid-70’s to start a new factory and sales network. From there I set up Malaysia, then Hong Kong and distributors in Indonesia, Vietnam and Philippines. It was then back to Australia briefly, before going to New Zealand to open a factory in Auckland.

During the 80’s I was based in Sydney however, travelled all around Europe, UK, Scandinavia, Canada and the USA working on major international projects.

In 1992 I was asked to do a management study of Thailand. The company accepted the proposal to set up a new plant here. It has been very successful, with a factory in Bangkapi and 7 branches around the Kingdom.

My primary role was to set up the company, train and appoint local directors then move on. Once I had succeeded in Thailand he was asked to do the same in Vietnam. however I decided not to take the appointment.

I preferred Thailand and retired.

Having the opportunity to visit many countries and see numerous different life styles and ethnic cultures. I believe that Thailand, with the “real” Thai people, is a wonderful, exciting, sometimes frustrating, but never boring

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place. It is a great life-style for a farang as long as you do not take yourself too seriously.

I will explain a little about the robotic industry. Every modern plant, producing rice, computers, cars, beer or any mass-production item uses automation devices to aid productivity. Simply put, this means copying human actions with pneumatic, electric or hydraulic units. This is what a robot does, hence the term robotics. The latest technology using computers and other advanced systems is called Mechatronics.

I did play a few games with another rugby club the Singapore Cricket Club. My work and travel did not give me much opportunity to play every weekends so I bought a keel boat and was a weekend yacht racer.

I have really enjoyed my time with the Bangers and my only regret is that I did not get involved with the club earlier. “I enjoy the camaraderie and sportsmanship of all the Bangers, he said “the tours are where this really shows. It’s great to be at the ground and hear the announcer talk about “The team we all love to hate” The Bangers have a well-deserved, enviable reputation everywhere we go.”

The Ancients is something in which I can really participate. Foxy has put a lot of effort into making it a success. I hope to assist him to gain recognition of Ancients rugby through the region.

What a great concept. Anyone at any age can enjoy the great game at a level of action to suit their skill and/or age. I’m sure the Ancients idea will expand to other clubs in the near future.

I joined into to get the most enjoyment out of the club and also to participate wherever I can I don’t just want to be a leech, and am willing to jump in where I

After retirement a major part of my job has been transfer of technology to the local universities and students.

I act as voluntary consultant to King Monkut University, and write articles for their journal.

His Majesty the King has set up a Royal Project in the Hua Hin Palace. This is a school with TV transmission in all classrooms. It broadcasts education programmes to over 7,000 schools in rural Thailand. I was honored to be allowed to set up an automation training classroom with working panels training boards etc.

Her Royal Highness, Princess Sridnthorn, is patron of a school for underprivileged children in Bangkok. I set up and arranged equipment and training gear for a classroom there also.

I was fortunate enough to be presented to His Majesty.

He most kindly gave me a plaque with his gracious mention of thanks for the efforts at the Hua Hin Palace.

I also had the honor of receiving a medallion from Her Royal Highness for the work at her school.

I really believe that we should always try and pass on any knowledge that will help others. I have had many years of experience in my robotics profession The basis of robotics is sustainable productivity, which the whole world needs to practice for the future good.

Finally I would like to offer the following words I heard from a wise man recently:-‘ Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who matter, don’t mind Those who mind, don’t matter.”

can.

Whilst working I had little spare time, so I knew I could not give any effort. Once I retired I decided to put in what I could and enjoy the club to the full.

Out side of rugby I plays golf, and love to travel, mainly to Ireland or good old Australia. As a very keen keelboat sailor, and still enjoy getting out on the ocean with the stick and rag boys.

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Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

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“You

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O

n a great spring like day, where the rain stayed away, the two Ancients squads gathered on the field of dreams for the Clash of the Titans at the recent Vinarco International Tens. It was not really a clash, more of a contest.

Some of the combatants had not touched or seen a rugby ball in over six month. In their minds and bodies, you could see they all thought they were contributing to a beautiful game of exhibition rugby.

There was no crunching defense, hard running, solid scrummaging, trademark breaks, meaningful attacks, scintillating sidesteps, slick passes or tremendous tackles. There was however, plenty of forward passes, late tackles, intentional blocking and the inevitable hospital pass.

But who cares, the silvertails were enjoying themselves and entertaining the punters on the sideline. It was all about fun, friendship and fraternity. Some wag was heard to comment, they could all been picked up for being over the limit, in control of set of rugby boots.

Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

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“You

BANTER.: The Banter thought it was about time we highlight a member of our French rugby membership again. Is all gone quiet since Jean Francois gave up the club captaincy.

PATRICK : Well, I am really flattered and I will do my best to keep up the garlic flair of Jeff!

BANTER : Lets goes back to the beginning where are you from in France ?

PATRICK : I was born in the north of France, not far from the Belgium border (14km from my family home), I grown up there, and at the age of 19, I went to study engineering in the South West of France. That was a big change in my life, a totally different culture and lifestyle, and that’s where I discovered rugby.

BANTER : How old were you when you started to play rugby and who was your first club ?

PATRICK : My best mates at the college were from the Southwest and most of them were rugby players… I was cycling very seriously at that time, but when the cycling season was over, I used to train and have a few games at school with them. When I gave up with cycling some 20 years ago, I joined a proper club BANTER : Do you have fond memories of those early days ?

PATRICK : Coming from the monastic life of a cyclist, it was a great change !...”only” 1h20 on the field, and a huge party until late at night, if not the next morning .

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The first fixtures were really tough for me, I was fit but very barely 70 Kg and off the field, not used to drink alcohol at al. I remember having great difficulty getting home on a few occasions. Twenty years on, sometimes it is pretty much the same.!!

BANTER : Where did you play your senior rugby ?

PATRICK : I started in Bizanos, a small town near Pau. the club was playing in the 3rd Division, which in France is regional level. There were some old blokes who had played at national level with Tarbes, Lourdes and Pau. I got the chance to play with the second team and I learned my rugby with them.

In 1993, I went to work for a while in Bristol (England) and I played with Clifton RFC, playing in the 2nd division…

The next season, I was back in the sun of southern France and declared fit to play again with Bizanos… which I did for another 2 seasons before to relocate for professional reason to Normandy where I played one season for Le Havre Athletic Club the oldest rugby club in France.

I moved to Kuala Lumpur in 1998. I did not know much about Malaysia, and I thought that rugby career was over,. This was not the case. I quickly found the way to the Royal Selangor Club and enjoyed four seasons there.

I landed in BKK in 2002, and joined the Southerners.

Shortly after, I stopped playing rugby because of injuries however continued to play touch In 2008 I come out of retirement to play with the Bangers BANTER : Who was your sporting hero as a kid ?

PATRICK : I spend my younger years racing, my heroes were Bernard Hinault and Shean Kelly. Rugby has never been a popular sport in northern France, The only opportunity to see rugby at that time was the Five Nations on TV. The players I remember from that era are Jean Pierre Rives, Robert Paparemborde and Jerome Gallion.

BANTER : What motivates you on the field?

PATRICK : Besides the pleasure to be with friends, being able to play with the Colts from time to time provides me a great feeling of still being young!

BANTER : Any superstitions or phobias ?

PATRICK : None BANTER : Any pre-match routine?

PATRICK : None

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

BANTER If you weren’t a rugby player what would you be?

PATRICK : A spectator BANTER : Second sport after rugby?

PATRICK : Touch rugby.... swimming, and recently I have restarted cycling as I plan to make it to Phuket in February BANTER : If you were stranded on a deserted Island what three things would you take?

PATRICK : One blond, one black, one red haiR BANTER : What is has been your best sporting moment on the field?

PATRICK : My best sporting moments have been more on the road when I was racing. As far as rugby is concerned I had some good and some bad games over the years. Winning the recent Vets BC tournament and in the victory against the Southerners earlier this month were sweet!

BANTER : What do think of the current French side and their chances in the World Cup next year ?

PATRICK : France was not looking good in South Africa and Argentina in June, when Southern Hemisphere teams (especially the All Blacks) were really impressive. I just hope that the gap will narrow during the pre-world cup preparation as it usually does.

BANTER : When you arrived in Bangkok, how did you end up playing with the Bangers ?

PATRICK : Pascal Leray introduced me to the Bangers in January 2003. I knew him from the Southerner days.

He was looking for a less competitive brand of rugby and the Bangers were the right fit.

Madam was working overseas and I was on my own in Bangkok. I use to attend the Banger training cessions on the Sunday afternoon. In those days, there was only a very small group of veterans lead by the infamous John Beard. Training would consist of light jogging, followed by a short session of touch, We would then proceed to the Wall Street for solid Heineken related activities.

When Ingrid came to Bangkok, I retired from competitive rugby. I was happy playing touch with the Southerners until 2008 when the Bangers and Southerners merged their Touch Football programs. Then, I come out of retirement to play with the Bangers again. I was really surprised to see how the club had developed in the space of five years, and very happy to meet again some familiar faces I had played with years ago.

BANTER : Are you enjoying your rugby in Bangkok ?

PATRICK : Certianly am. My only goal is to have good time with friends. There are a great bunch of guys in our club and obviously have a remarkable ability to knowhow to enjoy themselves BANTER : I can’t help noticing you enjoy the social side of the game ?

PATRICK : Well, I suppose that this is just part of Rugby. No?? What would be rugby without beer, after games parties and endless debates? I only wish there was sometime Ricard and olives or red wine and saucisson at the Red & White.

But what to do.

And by the way I hate golf balls!

BANTER : What are you other interests outside of rugby?

PATRICK : Bird watching, Shakespeare, knitting. Joking of course.

Besides professional activities, sport and family duties there is not much time left.

BANTER Thanks for you time. Appreciate it PATRICK : The pleasure was all mine.

Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

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Old Bangkok Banger Rugby Therapist

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Sawadee I can understand your problem, as I had to deal with a few cases similar to your over the last couple of years. In most cases, I have recommended you terminate the relationship. Its just not worth it, if neither side will compromise.

In your case, it is a little different, as you seem to get along on other aspects of life. Here’s what I think you should do.

Take her on a all expense paid holiday next year to New Zealand.

As you know, the Rugby World Cup is on in that country, so you time your holiday to take in six or seven games as you go around the country. Of course, you must pretend you didn’t know the World Cup was on as you make your way around the country.

My guess is, after six or seven games she will become interested in proceedings and in the ambience and atmosphere of this international sporting festival.

You will also need to throw in some shopping time, as I am sure you know Thai ladies loved to shop. I am not suggesting going a Canterbury Sports Shop here. She probably going to want more than a pair of rugby socks to take back to Thailand.

If this holiday does not convince her, then I am going to have to recommend you nip this relationship in the bud. Life is too short.

Hope this helps

Nantida I wonder if you can help me. My girlfriend of two years Pornthip, does not like me playing rugby. I have taken her along to a few games however, she does seem to be able to understand or want to understand, or share the passion I do for it.

She thinks I should be playing sedate sports, in her word, “hi so sports” like golf or tennis. I guess she thinks, it might help my career path. I have tried both these sports and hate them with a passion.

It has become a bit of a hot potato and I almost have to sneak out of house to go to practise. Come game time, I just go, knowing their is going to be issue when I get home with a few beers under the belt. Fortunately, I am not bad at the “jai yen yen” and I just go to bed avoiding the conflict.

I suppose we can I finish the relationship but we genuine seem to like each other and get along on most other issues that couple are confronted with in the 21st century.

Thought about send my query to the that show on Discovery Channel “The Dog Whisperer” who seem to be expert at relationship building.

Thought better of this, hence my letter to you.

Look forward to your reply

This is tough one for me answer, without having seen you play. I have a strong feeling your coach is on the right track. The front row club around the world is special branch of rugby union.

You just don’t go along and join. Its takes years of sweat and toil to learn the prop forward body of knowledge.

My thoughts are, you have come this far so continue. Checking with friends around scattered around the rugby playing world, they collectively cannot remember a player who ever successfully made the transition.

Of course, as you get to the twilight of your career I suppose you can play where you want. Normally by that time, it is the backs who want to migrate to the forwards, as they have lost their magical skills.

Frustrated

Nantida

Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

Nantida

Nantida I have played rugby in Bangkok now for three years now. Currently I aged 26, play in the forwards as a loose head prop however, I now see and think I am playing out of position and believe I should be in the backs playing inside centre.

I have all the attributes of a cunning inside centre, and read the game well however, I am unable to convince the coach to give a me shot.

He thinks I should perfect my skills up front and forget about the career change.

What is you advice ?

Still Young Enough

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

Stewart Gorman - London, Banger 2007 -10

last Banter included articles about games in Pattaya, Phuket and in the Thai Rugby Union Competition T he couldn’t help wondering what my involvement would have been if I was still working in Bangkok. Would I

I

have graced the Pattaya tour? Might we have retained the Weasel Cup? Could the Ancients have made it onto the paddock in Phuket? Would the Southerners have been beaten with a cameo appearance by yours truly?

The answer is I would not have made any difference to the results but sure would have enjoyed myself.

On returning to England in April I had every intention of hanging up my boots as it is impossible to top being a Banger. Things though conspired against me and life’s stresses convinced me to play on.

What stresses? Well my on returning to England I bought a car and I had not had the car longer than two weeks when I unknowingly donated diesel to another distressed vehicle owner. Not being able to remove the fuel cap the recipient of my unknown generosity there would be no objections from me if they punctured the fuel tank to get the diesel they desperately needed to get home. The police left me a handwritten note advising that my car had been damaged, the fire brigade had placed sand around the vehicle to soak up the diesel and that a lack of evidence meant no further action would be taken but I may want to talk to my insurance company.

Given that I was now without a vehicle I got out the trusty push bike and with visions of joining Bob, Jeff and Pete on their next trip to Phuket started to cycle to and from the station. That was until another person obviously in distress decided that I could donate my bike to them. With stress levels rising and no guilty person to vent my spleen at there was only one thing for it – go back to rugby.

I started training with Wanstead RFC (who I first played for 1987-2000) at the end of June. At the first training session everyone was new to me and could read the quizzical looks of “who is this old bloke?” I soon showed them that looks can be deceptive and proved to be slower than I looked.

How things have changed since my last training session in England. Previously all the coaching was done in house by the players, usually the captain and a few beers afterwards. Now they have two rugby coaches per session, a fitness coach and most recently a judo coach teaching us new ruck and maul techniques. The bit I have not been able to get my head around is that the bar is not open after training.

Age has definitely caught up with me. The season has not started and I’m out of action with a soccer injury having strained a calf on each of the last two times I’ve been training. I will now be out for a couple of weeks so no doubt the stress levels will build again but roll on the start of the season when I can have run out and after match tipple. Christ I’ll be glad when I’ve had enough!

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Old Bangkok Bangers. Coach 2003 - 07

I

’ve been reading gleefully through all the past issues of the Banter and realised how Banger fixated (sounds like a delusional psychotic state) we all can be.

So this edition I just thought I’d simply share some happenings from my new adopted club in Cairo. Of course my delusional state does receive a boost from the very kind words the Cairo ladies have to say about their new coach. There’s no shame in being a ladies man.

Jeff, I am sure will translate for all those linguistically challenged English.

Rejoignez L’équipe Féminine De Rugby Du Cairo Rugby Club Vous êtes novice ou expérimentée, vous avez envie d’apprendre à manier le ballon ovale ou simplement de vous (re) mettre en forme dans une ambiance conviviale, alors n’hésitez plus et venez nous rejoindre au Cairo Rugby Club.

Les entrainements se déroulent à l’Olympic Stadium de Maadi (derrière le Grand Mall), les dimanches et mardis soirs de 20h00 à 22h00. Au programme : échauffements et fitness pour tous, garçons etfilles de l’équipe. Puis, conseils personalises de notre entraineur M. Tom Kerr, un Irlandais exceptional, (oh combien talentueux et apprécié de tous) qui nous initie à ce sport où esprit d’équipe, dépassement de soi-même et bonne humeur sont les maîtres mots.

Côté compétition, nous participons au tournoi annuel national à 7, réunissant trois équipes (l’université américaine (AUC), Alexandrie et nous-mêmes), ou encore des tournois à l’étranger comme au Liban, à Malte, Bangkok, etc. Ces matchs récompensent nos efforts fournis aux entrainements et sur le terrain, l’ambiance est toujours au rendez-vous et la journée se finit par la traditionnelle 3ème mitemps (pour M. Tom c’est le plus important).

Le Rugby au Cairo Rugby Club, c’est l’occasion de faire du sport en plein air dans un cadre très agréable, d’évacuer le stress de la journée, de rencontrer des gens de toutes nationalités et de tous horizons et de s’immerger un peu plus dans la culture du pays, puisque plus de 50% des joueurs et joueuses sont Égyptiens et Egyptiennes. Alors débutantes ou expertes, petites ou grandes, dès 15 ans venez nous rejoinder et participer à cette aventure unique !

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DREW BOURTON Where were born ?

Birmingham, England.

The name of your first club ?

Old Saltleians RFC Did you ever play first grade rugby?

County Rugby for North Midland RFC was the highest.

What is your club nickname?

The Train.

Where do you call home?

“Where the heart is” Five words that describe you?

Happy, horny, funny, chilled and a bit of a larrigan Whats is a phrase you use often...? “nung beer chang kap” What’s your favourite music?

Mr Clapton What is the most surprising thing ever to happen to you ?

I don’t get surprised, I’ve got emotional blocks.

Whats a common misperception people have of you ?

I’m clever.

Whats your ideal night out ?.

Beer, weed and me.

In a nutshell, what is philosophy of life ?.

Live it don’t fight it.

After a busy day what would be the perfect way to relax ?

Beer and a dooby mmmmm What motivates you to be focused and driven?

Velle What’s your favourite food?

Sausage and Mash with onion gravy hold the peas What is your greatest talent or party trick ?

Singing Frank Sinatra (when I’m pissed up) Book you are currently reading or have just finished ?

Lee Child, 61 hours Favourite TV programme ?

UFC Favourite Film ?

RockaRolla Most enjoyable holiday location ?

Amsterdam (12 times) Person you would most like to meet ?

Bob Dylan in his twenties Sportsperson you admire most ?

Steve Nash (Phoenix Suns) Hobbies ?

Rugby, Basketball, Pool, Pissing off the missus.

Biggest influence on career ?

Uncle Jim

Best career advice you were given ?

“Try fockin harder and hurry the fock up!”

Other sports that you played ?

Basketball, pool, squash and football.

Best rugby memory ?

Mike Teague picking me up by the scruff of me collar at Bromsgrove RFC when I was about 10 and Jonny’s Drop-goal against the Aussies was alright!!!!

Rugby Player you admire most ?

That fockin frenchman from the Bangers.... Jeff!

Rugby team you admire most: ?

Leicester Tigers Sporting event you would most like to attend ?

Rugby World Cup Final in NZ . NZ to lose Three people you would invite to dinner and why ?

Ricky Gervais, Novak Djoko and Eva Mendes

QUICK FIRE Comedy or action ? Comedy Books or films? Depends if I’m having a crap Beer or spirits? Beer Fast food or health eating? Health eating Night in or night out? Night out McDonald’s, Pizza or street food? Street food Bon Jovi or U2 ? You takin the piss?

Heineken or Singha ? Singer (with a chang in her hand) Blonde or Brunette? Asian Best airline ? KLM Politics ? Head ache Religion ? Dangerous in the wrong hands Sex ? Not on a sunday Reality TV ? Wankers Red Shirts ? Don’t go with my complexion Soccer ? Still not a sport

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“You

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“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

Your gotta be impressed with the Wallabies during the recent Tri Nations games. Sure there are some problems to fix however, “Ozzie Robbie” is on to that.

There are front row issues and Matt Giteau’s inability to kick conversions and penalties for starters. As I have always said, the Wallabies are work in progress.

You cannot say this year’s games were not entertaining. High scoring and the result never known until the last minute. You watch the Wallabies next year in the World Cup, They will be a different team.

Our Kiwi cousins across the Tasman deserved the Tri Nations Cup. Some really great rugby throughout the series. I keep wondering though, if the All Blacks are not getting a little long in the tooth??

Super 15’s next year with the Melbourne Rebels joining the fray. They have a great lineup with a mix of international stars. I am still putting my money on the Red’s and the Waratah’s to do well. In fact, I might go out on the limb and pick the Red to be in the final mix.

Bring on 2011.

I see Sonny Boy Williamson is starting to play well in Christchurch. About bloody time. They paid enough for him. Here’s what I think will happen. He will make the All Blacks and will be spending a lot of time on the bench . Mark my words. Who are they going to drop?

I watched the aerial ping pong Aussie Rules Grand Final last week. Whata game. Score 68 - 68. Can’t get any closer than that. One thing you observe about this game, is how fit these guys are.

Because of the draw, they have to go through the whole thing again. That is, another game. There has to be a better way. Why not keep playing???

I love my Union, but I always watch the Rugby League Grand Final. Its the St George Dragons v the Sydney Roosters this weekend. Should be a great game. Told my bookie to put some money on the Roosters. Gotta go, See ya.

Bazza

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remember the polite grilling I got from our illustrious editor for one of my items a couple of issues ago for not being “Banger Relevant” I think I will move in that direction.

About two or three weeks ago I was fronted by a couple of Brits as I was leaving the Londoner after my usual Saturday lunch. These blokes seemed to know me, but I had no idea who from hell they were.

I thought I was in for a bit of trouble but one of the bigger boys asked me if I could give a recipe for pork pies in the Banter. Sighing a huge sigh of relief I promised them that I would do it and made a hasty retreat. I won’t call them big scary gorillas, but fellas, here it is.!

Ingredients 3 cups plain flour; 2 egg yolks; 125g chopped lard; Half cup of water; 600g boneless pork cubes; 4 rashers chopped bacon; 1medium chopped red onion; Half stick chopped celery; 1 tablespoon fresh thyme; 1 cup fresh breadcrumbs; 2 eggs lightly beaten.

Method 1) Grease a deep round 17cm diameter spring form tin with melted butter or oil. Sift the flour into a large bowl. Make a well in the centre and add egg yolks. Cover the egg yolks with the flour and set aside. Place the lard and water in a small pan and stir over medium heat until the lard is melted. Bring to the boil and the quickly pour it over the flour and eggs. Using a wooden Geoff Mckenna - Banger Class of 2002 spoon, mix to a soft dough.

Use your hands to bring together into a rough ball. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead the dough for about 1 minute until smooth. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

2) Place the pork, in batches, in a food processor. Process the pork until roughly chopped but not minced. Transfer to a large bowl. Add the bacon, onion, celery, thyme, breadcrumbs and egg. Mix until well combined and then cover and refrigerate.

3) Roll out two-thirds of the pastry, between 2 sheets of grease proof paper, until big enough to line the base and side of the tin; trim the edges and brush with some of the beaten egg. Spoon the filling firmly into the tin and smooth the surface. Roll the remaining pastry to a 20cm diameter circle. Cut a 2cm hole in the centre of the pastry. Fit over the filling, trim the pastry and press to seal the edges together. Refrigerate for 30 minutes. Preheat the oven to 210 degrees C. Brush pie with the beaten egg. Bake for 45 minutes, reduce oven temperature to 180 degrees C and continue to cook for 1 hour. Cover with foil if the pastry is browning too much. Allow to cool in tin.

4) To make the Aspic: In a small pan combine half cup apple cider or water with chicken stock powder, sprinkle over 2 teaspoons gelatine and stir over low heat until the gelatine has dissolved. Pour aspic a little at a time into the pie hole, allowing it to soak in between each addition. Cover the pie and refrigerate overnight. Remove from the tin and serve cold.

This recipe is not “how mum used to make” but it’s a great runner up. By the way guys, next time we bump into each other, I would be keenly interested to know which one of you is going to carry out this culinary feat?

ENJOY. 23

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beers and tell a few tales with.

Every time I go home he asks after everyone and I have to email him when you are playing and if you won.

Banter : How long have you been in Bangkok now?

Vesna : 4 years

Vesna Burgess

Banter : This is a first for the Banter.

We are interviewing wives of players in a new column. We thought the wife of the head coach would be a good start?

Vesna: Thank you, It’s an honor to be the first female to be interviewed.

Banter : You come from a well known North Auckland sporting family. Frano Botica, the former great All Black pivot is your brother ?

Vesna : Yes Frano is my brother, he played his first test for the “Baby Blacks” in 1986. He was one of the first All Blacks to leave Rugby Union and play professional Rugby League.

He played for Wigan and was very successful. Frano was a dual international for NZ playing both rugby and rugby league. Pete played a lot of club rugby with Frano, that’s where I met Pete.

Banter : We met your father a few years back when he was in Bangkok.

He made quite an impression?

Vesna: My dad loves to talk rugby and found the Bangkok Bangers such a good bunch of guys to have a few

“I had not heard anything to put me off coming here to live. Except for the heat. I would recommend Bangkok to other women

if asked.”

Banter : What are some of the challenges you faced moving to a new country?

Vesna: Making friends, finding activities to keep you busy, the heat, remembering not to compare your new country to where you’ve come from, Banter : Do you enjoy the cosmopolitan life of Bangkok?

Vesna: Yes I do, Bangkok has so much to offer.

Banter : Some women have reservations about moving to Bangkok because of what they have heard about the place. Did that phase you Vesna: I had not heard anything to put me off coming here to live.

Except for the heat. I would recommend Bangkok to other women if asked.

Banter : How are your Thai language skills coming along?

Vesna: I had lessons for a while and just couldn’t get my tounge around all those different sounds

and tones. I can get by with the little I have.

Banter : It is said the western women/spouse become invisible in Thailand. They often have a lot of spare time on their hands and life can all of sudden be unpredictable. Your thoughts?

Vesna: I got involved with Australia New Zealand Women’s Group as soon as I arrived and there are so many things you can get involved with that I soon found the people and places to keep me busy. I’m now President of ANZWG. Banter : The cliche laden view is that Bangkok is seedy and not the ideal posting for a western women.

Vesna: I try not to judge the seedy side of Bangkok as there are always stories to go with how or when some of the people involved have ended up where they are. I look on the positive side as a Westerner here and enjoy the things that I wouldn’t otherwise get to do at home.

Banter : Describe your socializing style?

Vesna: Play hard and party hard. (not party so hard now that it takes longer to recover the next day) Banter : What is favorite place to met friends for a social drink Vesna: Soi 8 Pub ( if only they would make it non smoking) or Monsoon Restaurant and Bar in Soi 8 Banter : And your favorite restaurant ?

Vesna: Too many to name. I just love eating out in Bangkok.

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Banter : Name one place in town that everyone should check out at least once?

Vesna: Lumpini Park either early morning or late afternoon.

Banter : What has been one your highlights this year?

Vesna: Our eldest daughter Hannah’s Graduation from Bangkok Patana School and the launch of the 18th Edition of the ANZWG Bangkok Guide Book.

Banter : Describe your favorite recreational activities here?

Vesna: Can I list them all, Muay Thai, running, golf, watching Bangkok Bangers play, gym, shopping, drinking wine, etc Banter : Finally any advice to other expat women thinking about relocating here ?

Vesna: Make the most of every opportunity when asked along to something and you will find people and places that you will enjoy during your time in Bangkok.

Banter : Vesna. Thanks for your time. I must remember to try out the Monsoon Restaurant.

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I

have just finished watching the Women’s World Rugby Cup 2010.

I really enjoyed it. I have seen a few games over time around the world however it did not prepare me for the quality of the rugby during this recent World Cup The popular notion that women’s rugby is only a pale imitation of the men’s version was lain to rest. Some will say that has been the case for a while, and they may have a point. But what has died a death is the basic counter-argument: that women are simply not designed for rugby.

Women’s rugby has not merely smashed through the glass ceiling of male indifference but entered a whole new stratosphere of concrete-limbed superwomen and another nail in the coffin of sexism Take for example in the game between Australia and England. The England wing had impressively side stepped the Australian fullback and hurling toward the try line.

Out of nowhere, came the covering Australian winger, a green and gold human missile without a handbrake.

The subsequent collision would have made Jerry Collins wince.

Tell Maggie Alphonsi, the talented English open side flanker or the New Zealand winger, Carla Hohepa who scored more tries anyone else during the Cup and voted IRB Player of the year.

Most sports writers were impressed by the fitness and technical skills on display.

As in tennis or golf, what it may lack in power they make up for it in terms of alertness and precision. The quality recycling work and passing was superb by all sides Most female players struggle to make ends meet in rugby, an amateur sport, with many using up annual leave in order to compete at the World Cup, 27

Banger Banter OCTOBER - DECEMBER 2010

All that is set to change ever more radically thanks to rugby sevens’ acceptance as an Olympic sport.

Under IOC rules there must be a women’s event in parallel with the men at the 2016 Games In England, they are doing some thing about it.

Premiership rugby has a vision of the modern prototype English professional club, boasting not just a Premiership men’s team but a top-level women’s equivalent and a sevens squad for both sexes. It would mean ground facilities being used more often by a wider variety of people, watched by a broader range of consumers.

For the record, New Zealand won this World Cup against England 13 -10, for a fourth successive time, despite three sin binning during the course of the match. It was a nail biter

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

I

n the last Wall Of Knowledge column, mention was made of the dwindling number of punters at Wall Street these days.

It certainly was not the case a month ago when Australia played New Zealand in their second game for the Bledisloe Cup. Wall Street was packed to the gunnels. It was like the glories days when Wall Street was the only show in town showing the Super 14’s. Of course, all that has changed and now all pubs and bars has copied Rick O Shea and have a legal or illegal sports feed showing rugby and a host of the sports.

On this particular afternoon however, come game time, the weather turned sour and all of Bangkok lost the satellite transmission because of the heavy cloud cover.

This did not phase Rick O’Shea the intrepid fighter BEFORE TEST MATCH pilot cum publican. He worked his magic, pulling together his technical know how and knowledge of satellites, the internet and a range of other “won’t tell ya” skills, and managed to secure the signal and the game.

Word quickly got around town that Wall Street had the match on. Punter streamed out of the sport bars along on Sukhumvit and Silom Rd in droves and made a beeline to Wall Street. It was standing room only five minutes in to the first half Of course that also attracted the all the rugby-know it-all’s and Banger silvertails that had not been into Wall Street for some time, all trying to reclaim their spot on the Wall Of Knowledge.

DURING TEST MATCH Some may have been disappointed. The punters that got their early, had no regard for their stature and were not going to move for these recalcitrant silvertails and brow beaters.

When Australia plays New Zealand in any sport, particularly rugby, the so called ANZAC alliance can quickly go out the door. This day was a good example. It not at all unusual during the course of a match, to see grown men of either nationality, raising their voices and insulting each other and the referee, using every sporting expletive known to man. To an outsider, this is an odd and strange ritual and the social dynamics is hard to explain.

At the end of the game, the differences are forgotten and it back to the serious art of drinking with your mates.

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Clubhouse

Rick O’Shea

T World Vintage Rugby Carnival in Cape Town South

The Old Bangkok Bangers recently returned from the

Africa.

Because of dwindling numbers before we left, we joined forces with another club, Manly from Sydney. They were a great group of guys and our joint team became known as the Bangkok Steamers.

We had three games during the week. The first one against the Busted Eagles/Battleship Old Boys was pretty tough. Unfortunately the rules were not adhered to which left many wondering what all biffo was about.

The next two games were great, played in the spirit of the game. We became close to a team from Cape Town called Yesterdays Heroes.

They are mad on their rugby in South Africa and great hosts, looking after us at the golf during the week and the endless BBQ’s. We hope they can make it to Bangkok for the Bangkok International 10’s plus other activities we have planned for them.

Thanks to Brian Sinclair Thompson for the travel organising and access to the business class lounges. Some members went early to watch the Springbox v Wallaby game. Another close affair.

We managed to lose Roger Fitzgerald’s bag on the way over and Andrew “Chakrit” McDowell’s on the way back.

Not a great advertisement for Malaysian airlines, however, their pricing was by far the lowest and of course there was the VIP lounge passes.

Its a long way to back from Cape Town and can now understand the jet lag suffered by the All Blacks and Wallabies whenever they have to travel there.

On the home front, I see the Banger Vets won the inaugural British Club Vinarco International Tens, beating the Southerner Vets in the final.

The Banger Colts followed that up a week later beating the younger Southerners to regain the Soi 33 Cup. Great stuff.

We still don’t have the South African television feed. And it seems the transmission might be out for some time.

Lets hope there is a solution before the World Cup next year.

2011 is going to be a busy rugby year with the World Cup and the expanded Super 15’s. The sports writers are already talking up the Super 15’s. The new Melbourne Rebels franchise have imported some real stars of the game. Pivot Danny Capriani from England and former All Black Greg Somerville and Stirling Mortlock were key signings Thanks to all that supported Wall Street during 2010

Happy Hour All Night

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“You

P a meal. Doctors have told me that. Educated

eople will tell you that a pint of beer is like having

men and women. Clever folk. And so I decided to have a little think about it.

Now, even though we’re all metric these days, everyone still measures their height and their weight in Imperial units: feet, inches and pounds, so that’s what we’ll have to go with, especially since we measure out our beer in the noblest Imperial measure of all. The pint.

Your average pint of beer contains about 4% alcohol.

It might be a bit more or a bit less, but for the sake of discussion, that’s what we’ll call it. To put it another way, in order to consume a full pint of raw alcohol, you’d have to swallow 25 pints of beer.

Over a week, that wouldn’t be too hard, so let’s say you drink three and a half pints a day, every day, and at the end of the week, you’ve consumed your full pint of ethanol. Now, a pint of water weighs 20 ounces, but alcohol is about 20% lighter than water. Therefore, after a week of beer drinking, you’ve swallowed 16 ounces of alcohol. A pound.

Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, and therefore consuming a pound of any substance can not make you a pound and a half heavier. At most it can add a pound to your weight, provided every last bit of it is converted to fat. Forget calories: your belly is not made of calories. It’s made of molecules, and those molecules have to come from somewhere, in this instance beer.

Every last bit of the alcohol, however, is not converted to fat. Much of it is metabolized and eliminated.

You piss it up against the wall. Now, after drinking your 25 pints of beer during the week, you’ve consumed a pound of alcohol which at the absolute maximum can add a pound to your weight.

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In the same week, how much food did you swallow?

Was it a pound? If so, you’re in deep trouble because you’re starving. You’re going to die very soon from lack of nutrition.

The chances are, provided you’re not an obese supersized burger-eating tub of lard, that your daily meals weighed at least a pound each, and probably more. Two pounds, perhaps.

Maybe three.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that you eat no more than two pounds of food a day. At the end of the week, you have consumed fourteen pounds of material. Now I know that not all of that material has the potential to turn into fat, but this isn’t a scientific treatise.

I’m just trying to to work out how fattening beer is.

One way or the other, at the end of the week, you have consumed a pound of alcohol with the potential to add a theoretical maximum of one pound to your weight, and fourteen pounds of other substances, much of which will be water. Let’s exclude that. If we say it’s half of the total, you have still consumed solids with the potential to add a maximum of seven pounds to your weight.

And this is why I think beer has a bad name. Every pint of beer you drink contains less than an ounce of alcohol, not all of which will add to your weight, while every burger you eat contains about four times the weight in pure fat, every bit of which is ready to enlarge that belly of yours.

Now look. I don’t claim to be a nutritionist, or a physician, or anything special. I’m just a guy who wonders how a beer can be as fattening as a full meal when you add up the sums.

Tell me where I’m wrong. I’ll believe you.

Maybe.

“You

Will Always Be A Banger”

THE BANGER THEORY OF INTELLIGENCE

“ Well you see, Tates, it’s like this . “ said Jeff, “a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Tates, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. “ THE BLONDE AND THE TWO IRISHMEN

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, ‘We’re supposed to be finding the fook’n height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a fook’n ladder.’

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, ‘Isn’t that just like a blonde! We need the fook’n height and she gives us the fook’n length.’

GOLDFISH

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”. Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

“I don’t care how long you’ve been teaching yoga, you take your hands away from there NOW” THE JAR OF OLIVES

A man went into a bar and ordered a succession of Martinis. After each one, he removed the olive and put it into a jar. After two hours, the bartender felt compelled to ask: “Why do you keep doing that?” “Because,” slurred the man, “my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”

THE OBSTRETRICIAN’S WIFE

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”

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