The reality of happiness and the 5 keys to achieve it

Hello and welcome to "No-one'space" where you and I have a mutual, relatable space where we can share and discuss our stories together. It has been a long while since the last time we got to hang out in our backyard of thoughts and livelihood. I’m really sorry for that, it was a rough patch and it got me scattered all-over the place. However, it made me shed a light on “Happiness” Is it a myth? How am I supposed to be happy with all of what’s going on with me lately? What should make me happy and how? And what should I do when I’m clearly not?

For ages, people had a lot of interpretations of what Happiness is and what it is like to be happy.

Scientific researches had been made, philosophies were founded, and tons of books. Yet, we as humans struggle to grasp its meaning and even its existence in our lives. So, if you find yourself struggling too, and looking everywhere for the so called happiness, I might help. Well, I won’t hand you a textbook for happiness or a full guide for it, because there is no such thing. Instead, I can share some thoughts I learned along the years that could give you a better look at happiness and even a path to follow where you could be eventually happy. Let’s take a walk, shall we?!

First, this is not “Happiness”: I will be happy if I get this job. I can’t be happy when I’m single. I can only be happy when I’m rich. I’ve given up on being happy; the best years of my life are over.

These are just a few myths about happiness you probably heard or said yourself. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that these statements are awfully wrong, and there are couple of reasons for that. How many times have you seen someone working their dream job, marrying their dream girl, riding their dream car, or just living their dream ideal life that they wanted for themselves, yet they are not happy. They have what they wished for, but is happiness about wishes?! Is happiness about dreams and getting what you eventually want?! Well, no. Don’t get me wrong though, these things will definitely help your mental health, state of mind, and overall well beingness, but it won’t make you happy. And when fulfilling these goals and achievements won’t give you the happiness you expected from it, you’ll think there is something wrong with you. Because you have everything you’ve ever wanted, but yet you’re not happy. Well, you’re not crazy, and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s simply because you can’t depend on this stuff as the sole source of your happiness in the first place. Because dreams change as we grow, and people come and go as we go, everything around us is interchangeable. And if you deny that fact, you will find yourself holding on to the wrong jobs, partners, dreams, and following the wrong leads to become happy. Happiness is not an instant feeling and doesn’t come from instant events. It’s a state of peace within yourself and the surroundings that you reach in your life, or as Alan Watts says it “The meaning of happiness consists in three elements: freedom, gratitude, and the sense of wonder” There are a lot of interpretations of what constitutes happiness, but you’ll only know what is it to be truly happy when you get there, but how you get there?

Well, let me show you how.

1. Focus on being present not productive: One of the harshest things I’ve ever done to myself is measuring the worth of the years and the days of my life by productivity. The more work I do in my day, the more value my day carries. This made me have a stressfully busy schedule every day and fill my days with much tasks as possible.

This strategy is excellent only if you think of yourself as a machine, and you measure your value by how much work you produce. Not only it left me empty and unsettled whenever I don’t do much work, but also, I feel stressed out and drained most of the time. Of course, I achieved a lot and made many further steps into the future, but it didn’t make me happy, not even close. This is because my focus on productivity didn’t allow me to be present in my days, didn’t allow me to really be living in the moment. This makes you try to live in the uninhabitable future, letting it control the very instant moment that you should have lived in. That’s when I realized I should measure my days by presence, by how I lived the moment. How I acted, reacted, and interacted with the surroundings today. In the book -The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety- the famous philosopher and writer Alan Watts gives his verdict on the importance of living in the present saying “If to enjoy even an enjoyable present we must have the assurance of a happy future, we are “crying for the moon.” We have no such assurance. The best predictions are still matters of probability rather than certainty, and to the best of our knowledge, every one of us is going to suffer and die. If then, we cannot live happily without an assured future, we are certainly not adapted to living in a finite world where, despite the best plans, accidents will happen, and where death comes at the end.” Being present is a key to happiness in this finite world. It’s a door that allows you to be in peace with the world, to thoroughly inhabit your experience, and to be truly alive.

2. Keep an open mind: This might be hard to do for some people –not going to mention you, conservative fellows-.

However, you need to keep an open mind while facing the world we live in. We live in a vast universe where there are infinite possibilities, yet the world itself is finite. This makes our relationship with our world very complicated and unique. And if you want to understand it, you need more than your limited view of it. You need other perspectives and ideas as well. You need to keep an open mind. While doing so could be hard sometimes, yet when accomplished, it would make life easier to understand and simpler to live. Not just that, opening up your mind opens the door for a whole new world you didn’t even know existed, not all of them are good, not all of them are bad. It encourages you to try new stuff, learn new things, and find new meanings for your life. Opening your mind is not just about the outer world. It’s about you.

About the whole world inside you and finding new ways to explore it. To know yourself even better, and tackle the obstacles of the world with a crystalline awareness of yourself. And as you learn new things and have new experiences, you become mentally strong and vibrant. Your knowledge and experiences will start to build and help you achieve personal growth. Also, it opens your ears to listen, sympathize more, and stay humble.

Now, there’s a thin line between keeping an open mind and being reckless. There are some values and standards that should be checked and considered while having an open mind, and this is the difference. This is important to avoid exposing yourself to something that violates your identity and its morals, beliefs, values, and standards. Keeping an open mind is about finding your true self and true potential, not drifting away from it.

3. Stay grounded, be humble, and always humilis: Humility is the liberator from arrogance and pride, the two very things that lead to misery.

Staying humble and to the earth is an overlooked trait, but if you ask me, it’s the key to a simple and happy life. At this point in your life, you surely made some mistakes as well as accomplishments. Modesty helps you to learn from these mistakes and to not over celebrate your achievements. It gives you the clarity to see things as they are and guides you to reflect on your life with all its hardships and accomplishments with gratitude.

Our ego and pride stand in our way to learn from others and fuels our hearts with resentment and envy. They put us under constant comparison to others, bringing so much stress and disturbance. The only way to liberate from that self-prison is to practice humility. To stay humble during the ups and downs. To not look at one’s self as something better than others. This way, we can communicate better, listen more carefully, help others, make wiser decisions, and eventually become happy with who we really are. However, it’s necessary to know humility doesn’t mean having low self-esteem. Humility is to stay your ground, to not brag about yourself or think you’re the best or the worst. You keep yourself somewhere in the middle, not to overestimate yourself or underestimate it either.

4. Accepting: “To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…” This is a part of a long prayer called (The Serenity Prayer). Unfortunately, this world turns around no matter what and rolls in no one’s favor. And that’s the harsh reality.

And whether we liked it or not, there are few things that we can change about our lives and some we simply can’t. There are a lot of battles out there, and one can’t fight them all. Life is too short to fight every battle, yet long enough to win the war. That’s why you need to choose your battles wisely. And about the other ones, you can only accept the fact that they are losing battles. Fighting a losing battle we will only wear you out. Leave you too drained and powerless and prevent you from fighting the battles that really matter. The battles that you have a real chance to win. And to know the difference, you need wisdom. That’s why being humble is necessary. You can’t be wise if you’re not humble enough to learn. With modesty and humility comes knowledge. And with knowledge, one can be truly wise.

Wise enough to accept the things you can’t change, change the things you can, and know the difference.

5. Don’t give up on love and kindness: “When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”― HH the Dalai Lama. Always remember that the only things that make us human are love and kindness. If we give up on them, we pretty much give up on humanity. And practicing love towards others with no regard for what we will get in return will eventually result in loving ourselves. Because love and kindness let you transcend your own suffering and redeem yourself from pain. Imagine being able to be kind and give love despite the cruelty of the world that we live in! Putting that into practice will not only give you peace, it will also change your attitude towards the things you love and give you the strength and courage to chase and obtain them. Happiness and peace come out from a noble heart, and a noble heart is one full of love and kindness.

Now, you might be in a place or at a time where things are not going your way. You might be in stressful college years, committed to a job you hate or don’t necessarily love, or just in a situation where you can’t be happy. Relax, we are only humans. This means we will face some stuff that goes beyond our capabilities. So don’t be hard on yourself if you encounter something you can’t change. It’s okay if you don’t feel happy at these times because happiness is not about being avoidant of the surroundings. It’s about reaching some sort of peace with it, and that takes time. So trust time, it carried you so far, and it will keep carrying you. And if there’s anything constant about this life, it will be change. So, be patient and wait for the next wave of change, and don’t be mad if it doesn’t come in your favor, it’s okay. At these times, the only thing you can do is focusing on the things you can change. Surround yourself with all that you love. Whether it’s spending time with your pet, coffee in the morning, your workout routine, a car ride, or just whatever gives you pleasure. It could be simple actions like smiling at a kid's face, wearing nice clothes, eating ice cream, watching your favorite series, spending time with loved ones, etc.

These are little gifts that remind us of how beautiful is this life, and how grateful we should be for the ability to experience them. Do these things with love, allow yourself to use them, and have the pleasure of it. Let it take its time, and be fully aware of its importance. These things will help you during these tough times, and carry you through them. And when the time comes, you’ll be able to do more. So if you feel stuck there, just wait and get ready for when the chance comes to eventually be happy.

Thank you for sticking with me through this. I hope you found some clarity and that you got the message out of it. And if you did, why not share it with others so we can spread the experience. Love you and see you soon. Have a mindful day, and eventually a happy life. Thank you.