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ADHD & The Island of Misfit Toys

Keeping spirits bright through the Holidays

WRITTEN BY MARISE ROWELL, LCPC

Ah, the holidays! That magical time when parents pull out all the stops to bring their kiddos the best. All the presents, parties, decorating, crafting, baking and more of the jolly-ole’-stuff we do is fabulous, and it’s often hard for even the most organized of neurotypical parents to manage. The same is true for our ADHD kiddos and teens… the stimulation and novelty we bring them is fabulous; however, if we’re not careful, it can be exhausting leading to irritability and/or withdrawal, and yes, the occasional meltdown in the midst of even the best of holiday gatherings.

So, what’s behind this overwhelm and meltdown potential when you’ve been working so hard to pull off the perfect season? The answer may surprise you, as it intends to remain a secret.

Yes, it’s all the typical ADHD stuff like overstimulation that leads to overwhelm, and emotional sensitivity and self-regulation challenges that lead to meltdown, but there may be a hidden factor in your child’s ADHD struggles. It’s hidden because the very experience itself demands secrecy and is hard for even neurotypicals to discuss. What’s left is a conundrum of avoiding the very thing that nags at all of us as humans, especially ADHDers. The thing is the “SH” word. It’s shame. So, if shame’s a common ADHD experience but no one wants to talk about it, what’s an ADHDer to do?

It’s a good question, and one that can be compared to the 1964 Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You know…the one with Berl Ives as the snowman? Yes, that one!

You see, growing up with ADHD is too often an experience like that of Rudolph, Hermey and those neurodivergent souls, so to speak, on The Island of Misfit Toys. It’s similar in that ADHDers are often treated as though there is something wrong with them and they don’t “fit in.” They realize early they are either too much of something or not enough of another…just not quite able to be, or stay, acceptable enough to belong with other “normal” reindeer and elves.

And then there’s Santa. His behavior is very shaming until he is forced to see Rudolph’s gifts. He displays the essence of Brene Brown’s popular definition of shame, which is to ostracize Rudolph because of his difference leading him to believe in his mind and feel in his body he is unworthy of love and belonging (BreneBrown.com). This essence is similar to what ADHDers go through every day just trying to fit in with neurotypical systems. It’s what contributes to the 80% of ADHDers who also experience anxiety, depression, and/ or other mental health struggles on top of their ADHD (Katzman, et. al., 2017)…or their red nose, or need to be a dentist in a colony of elves, or to be loved by a child even if you’re not just like all the rest.

The essence is shame and a sense of being incapable and unwanted, and too often lost on The Island of Misfit Toys called ADHD. It’s just trying to fit in while searching for understanding and acceptance as the unique, creative, intuitive and intelligent souls ADHDers are with lots to contribute and say, all looking for Santa to see them and welcome them into the tribe.

So, in a season that’s hard for even the best of holiday hosts to stay confident, pay attention to how your ADHDer may feel when faced with such fast-paced perfectionism. Keep their season bright by helping them feel wanted and included at every holiday gathering.

Happy Holidays!

Marise Rowell is an LCPC in Montana at ExperiencingChange. com who has and specializes in ADHD. She's learned traditional therapy models are not best practice for ADHD, so she is creating an innovative ADHD Healing Community at PermissiontobeADHD.com.

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