valley views My grocery superpowers S
uperman, Wonder Woman, and the Incredible Hulk all possess superpowers, but I enjoy supremacy even greater than x-ray vision, unlimited strength, or the ability to fly. My capabilities come from grocery lists in my pocket and canned goods on aisle seven. It’s the power of food acquisition and I’ve assumed extreme control. Those of us in the know, know it doesn’t get any better than that. Simply put, I do 97.376 percent of the grocery shopping for my family. Let the scope of that sink in for a moment. Pause and ponder like you might over the glazed donuts in the bakery section. Victuals. Chow. Sustenance. Edibles. Nourishment. Cuisine. Food impacts the menu, mood, mind, and mojo – and
the person purchasing Chocolate chip, frosted or the food is in charge. oatmeal – I get to choose. Not even Superman with Snack control is a comhis flowing red cape and manding tool when in tight blue tights can top the hands of the skilled that. superhuman formerly It’s absolute power at known as mom. its finest. If I want tacos For instance, three for supper, years ago we have tacos I banished for supper. Yo fruit snacks Jill Pertler Syndicated columnist quiero. Never from the mind they pantry, dehad tacos at claring them school for lunch. To heck imposters – without with that. Mom’s got a membership in any food craving – for pizza or po- group. The young people tato salad or potpie. It’s living with me still beg what’s for dinner. for fruit snacks on occaCreamy or chunky, sion, but I’m holding fast. white or wheat, whole or Power trips can be exhilskim, dill or sweet, apples arating. or bananas, cool ranch or Speaking of power spicy hot, rocky road or trips, I took two today. Neapolitan, cheddar or There’s another perk of pepper jack, mayo, or the my supremacy – multiple other stuff – it’s all my trips to the grocery store call. on any given Tuesday. It gets even better. I This phenomenon occurs alone am in control of when an essential item their entire cookie supply. is forgotten during the
Slices of Life
A battle of purpose P
ackrat likes Prius. Wonderful engineering, mysterious passageways, fun, twisty-turns, tubing, wild sculpture unheeded expressions of unhinged art; must be a wonderful nesting opportunity somewhere in here, if she could only find it. And so she looks, she’s 10 - July 13, 2022
young, the world is hers for exploring, and what a world, unlike any she’s ever seen before. Just wait until she has kids and shows them this! But wait… there’s a problem. A big problem, in the form of the twelve-year-old dog, the one with the good nose, knowing the rat is in the
mysterious twisty spaces of the Prius engine compartment. One wants to evade the other; a chase can’t take place, there’s no room, no space, though the old mutt gives it her all, trying to force her
initial outing. Even superheroes have memory lapses. Today I forgot dog treats and ice cream, which were egregious errors according to all four and two-legged inhabitants of my home. So, I returned for round two of the hunger games. They are happy with me now. That isn’t always the case. Like the time I went on a diet. They lost 12 pounds between them during the first week; I was up two. I finally caved and bought some white bread and processed cheese spread. It took a couple days, but they warmed up to me eventually. Such is the price of super-heroism. Sometimes one of them attempts to accompany me to the store. They’ve even tried stowing away in the backseat, but I’m smarter than a fifth grader – plus I have
eyes in the back of my head. Having a sidekick acts like kryptonite to my superpowers and causes us to return home with extra cereal and corn chips. There can be only one superhero in the family – except if you are Batman. I am not a complete mom of steel. I allow them to make food requests, which I may or may not fulfill. They’ll just have to wait and see. Anticipation can encourage a person do super-uncharacteristic and super-helpful things – like make the bed, pick up dirty clothes off the floor, empty the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, or mow the lawn without being asked. All completed in the time it takes your mom to do the grocery shopping. The power to influence them like that is nothing
body under the too-narrow space under the car. It doesn’t work; she groans and growls with frustration, Eugene Beckes snaps her considerable teeth in despair, she wants that vermin between them! She knows her duty, but
the rat knows hers too, to live, to reproduce, to find the safe haven, which she thought, for a while, she had found, and she continues climbing over the wild metallic countryside, valve covers, wires, alternator, pulleys, fans, manifold, many slick surfaces and divots, val-
Valley Views
Valley Journal
see page 11
short of super – and I’m not even wearing my cape today. Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
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