Montana Woman Magazine Issue No. 10, January/February 2021

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montana woman magazine

ISSUE NO 10, JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2021: SHERYL OTT / NEW BEGINNINGS

you are allowed to begin again and again and again.

there is no limit to your beginnings.

take this new sun, gather her in your arms— warm and weathered— and keep her with you.

mlc

table of contents VIGNETTES |

45

NEW YEAR

Autumn Toennis

56

RESONATE

Stephanie Evans

69

CAST & BL AST

Chloe Nostrant

80

BEGINNING AGAIN

Morgan Gemay Marks

FOOD & SPIRITS |

10

CHAI TEA FRENCH MACARONS

step-by-step patisserie

16

JUS TWON EMORE

a gin martini with a twist

REYNOLDS MOUNTAIN, GLACIER NATIONAL PARK 4

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38 laney lou & the bird bogs: finding silver linings

46 sheryl ott: finding freedom through the detours

58

lauren oscilowski: loss, love— and grace

ART & DESIGN |

18

BEAUT Y IN THE BAD WATER

experimental prints from the Berkeley Pit

22

IT BEGAN BY SIMPLY REACHING OUT

Christina Rothe at The Square

29

BETWEEN THE BALSAM TREES

cross stitch for cold winter days

32

THE MAGICAL POWERS OF ART

& the beauty of collaboration

LIFE |

66

A STONE TO CARRY

navigating grief

70

LOVE IS LOVE

celebrating with Elope Montana

76

TIRED AS A MOTHER

mothering & exhaustion in the time of covid

84

MINDFULNESS MATTERS

starting small to work big

WELLNESS |

86

LEVITATION NATION

four resolutions for the new year

90

KALISPELL REGIONAL HEALTHCARE

finding a primary care provider

AMSKAPI PIIKUNI, KOOTENAI, SELIS, & QLISPE LANDS | MEGAN CRAWFORD mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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montana woman

OWNER & EDITOR

megan crawford

Montana Woman is a platform. It’s a place to celebrate our achievements, a place to support each other, a place to acknowledge the resilience of the women of this state. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you’re from, you’re here now. In all of your loudness, your boldness, your fearlessness— you are here.

We’re here, together.

We publish a statewide magazine every other month that features women across Montana— the movers and shakers, the go-getters, the rule-breakers, the risk-takers. We all have a story to tell.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

megan crawford

BUSINESS MANAGER

carrie crawford

Montana Woman Magazine as you know it began in October 2019.

Right out of the gate with photographer Alexis Pike as the first cover feature— clad in fringe pants and a motorcycle helmet in a Bozeman alleyway— we’ve always been authentically ourselves.

We believe in showing up as you are. You don’t need to change who you are to have a seat at the table. No matter your age, your identity, your hometown, you are welcome here. We believe in creating a publication that’s worth reading because we have stories worth telling.

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Contact the editor at info@montanawoman.com or (406)260-1299. Submissions are not accepted through the phone, postal service, or social media.

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m o nt a n a w o ma n ma g a zi ne | is s ue 10

letter from the editor— It wasn’t until I started to compile articles to edit that I realized this is our tenth issue. Despite knowing the last issue was the ninth, it didn’t hit me until I wrote ten.

Ten. A small number in the grand scheme of things, but when you’re counting issues of an independently-owned magazine that’s in its first two years of business, ten is big. Ten feels like a monolith. A waypoint. Hopefully, over time, more tens will come along. One day, ten might feel small— an exit that you pass on the highway at 80 miles an hour.

Right now, ten is the lump in your throat that hits you out of nowhere; when your eyes sting and your ears feel hot. It’s the point on the trail when you turn around and see how far you’ve gone, and it only makes you all the more excited to know how much is left to go.

Ten is just the beginning. …

There are times when you’ve gone too far to ever think about going back, but instead of moving forward at the same pace, you run wildly at a full sprint, maybe with one shoe untied or a speck of dirt in your eye, but at that point, you don’t give a damn. You have come this far— a rogue shoelace is small compared to what you already made your way through.

Of course, this isn’t to say that there won’t be multiple shoelaces or a pebble in your shoe or a bug that skirts its way up your nose. But now you know how to navigate the splinters better. You check your laces more often. Maybe instead of cursing the gnat, you feel for its misfortunes (this all depends on the rate at which gnats come to their end in your nostrils).

However you take the trail, you take it— running, crawling, swearing at the steeper parts, letting tears combine with sweat, befriending the blister on the back of your ankle. …

But, for now, I sit cozily at my desk, clad in a cocoon of wool socks and blankets, still thinking fondly about the coffee I had this morning, wondering if one year from now where I’ll be on the trail. Waving back to myself a year ago, letting her know that the part of the trail she’s coming up on is especially thwarted with brambles. But there are still the sweetest berry patches, even if they seem small.

Hopefully, a year from now, at almost 27 and working on a 16th issue, I can look back on this stretch of the trail with that same lump-in-yourthroat feeling that I have now. I can take the time I need to see how far I’ve gone but feel all the more ready for what’s to come.

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contributors

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KELSEY MERRITT

SYDNEY MUNTEANU

STEPHANIE EVANS

NICOLE MARIA EVANS

CHLOE NOSTRANT

NICOLE DUNN

LAUREN WILCOX

MORGAN GEMAY MARKS

MEAGAN SCHMOLL

SARAH HARDING

BARBARA FRASER

AUTUMN TOENNIS

JESSLYN MARIE

LAUREN BURGESS

MINDY COCHRAN PHOTO BY KIRALEE JONES

m o nt a n a w o ma n ma g a zi ne | is s ue 10

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behind the cover

COVER MUSE

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PHOTOGRAPHER

danielle lopez FLORALS

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read about sheryl ott on page 46 mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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FOOD & SPIRITS |

Chai Tea French Macarons

BY L AUREN WILCOX

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One of my favorite things to do is go to my local bakery, Wild Crumb, and see what unique flavors of French Macarons they have to offer. I have a list in the back of my planner of all of my favorite flavors they have had, and reading that list inspired me to bake my own. Making French Macarons from scratch always seemed so intimidating, but after doing some research and watching a few videos about how to properly fold the batter together, I have gotten quite comfortable with creating these delectable little cookies at home.

Macaron Ingredients

1 cup almond flour 2 cups powdered sugar ¾ tsp. salt 3 egg whites ¼ tsp. cream of tartar ¼ cups granulated sugar 2 chai tea bags (I used Bigelow’s vanilla chai tea for this recipe)

Vanilla Buttercream Ingredients 1 ½ cup powdered sugar ½ cup butter (1 stick) ½ tsp. salt 1 tsp. milk 1 tsp. vanilla extract

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temp: 285˚F

bake: 17-19 min

Method

FOR THE MACARONS

Measure out the almond flour, powdered sugar, and salt. Add the contents of two chai tea bags. Place in a blender or food processor and combine until very fine.

Sift this mixture into a bowl to remove any lumps.

Separate egg whites and place in the bowl of a stand mixer. Using the whisk attachment, mix the egg whites on high until they appear frothy. While mixing, add the cream of tartar, and gradually add the granulated sugar. Continue to whisk on the highest setting until stiff peaks form. *If you would like to add any food coloring to your macaron cookies, mix it into the egg whites now.

Pour the dry mixture on top of the egg whites, and softly fold the mixtures together. You will fold the mixtures together until you get a consistency that can make a ribbon. I scrape a rubber spatula around the side of the bowl and pull it through the middle, alternating which side I scrape. Once you can make a connected figure 8 with your batter, stop mixing.

Transfer the macaron mixture into a piping bag fitted with a circle tip. I use a Wilton 1A tip. On a baking sheet with parchment paper, pipe out circles of the mixture to a 1.5” diameter. Once your parchment is filled, hold the baking sheet and the parchment paper and tap it on your countertop to release air bubbles.

I usually fill 1½ - 2 baking sheets depending on the size of my piped macarons.

Let the macarons sit for 45 minutes to an hour until the tops of the cookies are dry to the touch.

Bake in a 285°F oven for 17-19 minutes until the edges are lightly brown. Bake on the middle shelf of your oven. If you can not fit both sheets on your middle shelf, bake them separately to ensure even baking. You do not want to overbake these; the chewy texture is important!

Once they are out of the oven, let them cool for 3 to 5 minutes before removing them from the parchment.

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Method

FOR THE BUTTERCREAM

In a bowl, cream the butter until light and fluffy.

Add powdered sugar and salt, mix until combined.

Add vanilla and milk and mix. If your mixture is too thick, add a little more milk. *Feel free to add food coloring for a pop of color!

Put frosting in a piping bag (or a zip lock bag). No frosting tip is needed; just snip the end of the bag about ½” from the bottom.

Assembly

Pair up your cooled macaron cookies.

Take one side of the cookie and pipe a quarter-sized piece of frosting in the middle.

Take the other cookie and gently push the cookies together to spread out the frosting.

Store in a sealed container in your refrigerator. Macarons are best if they have been sitting in your cold fridge for a couple days!

Enjoy!

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Separate egg whites and place in the bowl of a stand mixer. Using the whisk attachment, mix the egg whites on high until they appear frothy. While mixing, add the cream of tartar, and gradually add the granulated sugar.

Continue to whisk on the highest setting until stiff peaks form.

Pour the dry mixture on top of the egg whites, and softly fold the mixtures together.

You will fold the mixtures together until you get a consistency that can make a ribbon.

I scrape a rubber spatula around the side of the bowl and pull it through the middle, alternating which side I scrape. Once you can make a connected figure 8 with your batter, stop mixing.

On a baking sheet with parchment paper, pipe out circles of the mixture to a 1.5” diameter. Once your parchment is filled, hold the baking sheet and the parchment paper and tap it on your countertop to release air bubbles. I usually fill 1½ - 2 baking sheets depending on the size of my piped macarons.

Let the macarons sit for 45 minutes to an hour until the tops of the cookies are dry to the touch. mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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| FOOD & SPIRITS

THE START:

The last few drops in the glass slid chillingly down Flourune’s throat. That was it— the last Gin Martini to be made or had in the vastness of the outer solar system. There had been discussion of a Gin shortage, but there always was a discussion floating around about shortage. Now this talk had become fact and was being experienced deeply by Flourune. It sinks in as only the way anything related and from that planet could sink in— with gravity. Not even the lingering effects of the Gin could uplift the proverbial pull of its gravitational spirits.

Was it fair? The question lingered in the air more as a statement than a question as Flourune stared at its empty companionable glass. They were together for such a short time. “No, it was not fair!”

Several of its fists, if they could be called fists, smacked hard on the table, and Flourune’s many eyes took on a silver-green sheen… this was not to last, and it was time to take action.

A heatwave was all that remained in the wake of a decision as Flourune sashayed out the swinging door of ‘Jus twon Emore.’ The Barkeep watched, then silently turned towards a lever with a small note emphasizing the importance of thinking about taking one’s actions with gravity. The Barkeep, slowly, silently turned the lever, which slowly, silently encouraged something to happen.

GIN MARTINI 2 parts *Needle Pig Gin 1.5 parts *Dolin Dry Vermouth

Add ingredients into your mixing glass, then add ice. As you look demurely around the room, stir until chilled.

Strain into a chilled glass and garnish with your favorite stuffed olive.

Never underestimate a vermouth that can stand up to a gin. *Needle pig is a delightful, creamy gin with a strong, balanced personality from Denver, Colorado. I have not been this pleasantly surprised by a gin for quite some time. If unavailable in your area, other common good substitutes are Junipero, Tanqueray, or, as always, your favorite gin will suffice. *Unfamiliar with vermouth? Then please, purchase a fresh bottle or two. Pour them both over ice and, if inclined, add a twist of lemon to each, then taste. Vermouth is a fortified wine that has been steeped with different herbs and botanicals, creating a mind-boggling way to experience wine “plus.” Beware, though, it does go bad. Keep it in the fridge once opened and consume within 3 weeks unless you enjoy the tangy taste of vinegar or wish to cook with it.

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ART & DESIGN |

BEAUT Y IN THE BAD WATER

BY SHELBY RAYNE WELTE

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W

hen I first visited Montana, my parents, with tearful eyes, said I was set in my new “home.” I reassured them that Illinois would always be my home, but four years later, I’m not so sure.

Growing up just north of Chicago, I hadn’t experienced life in the West aside from a trip to Disneyland when I was barely walking. Taking the leap to move to Montana for college after seeing it only once was something that was truly terrifying to me. I don’t make spontaneous decisions, and I don’t do things without a plan. My life has been a series of moments I carefully curated until Montana State University taught me to do the complete opposite, especially in my photography.

The West is extremely different than anywhere I’ve ever been, both in its culture and its landscape.

I’m not someone who grew up hunting, mountains still amaze me every time I see them, and I’m definitely not used to roads covered in gravel in the winter rather than salt. I am surrounded by beauty at all times living in Bozeman, so much so that I never thought critically about how there were bad things about Montana. As I explored, though, I found something that piqued my interest and dissolved the illusion of grandeur: The Silver Bow Creek/Butte Pit, more commonly known as the Berkeley Pit, is the largest Superfund site in the nation, and it resides in gorgeous Montana.

Montanans familiar with the Berkeley Pit know of its toxic tendencies. The Pit is filled with copper, zinc, arsenic, lead, and many other materials and heavy metals that may cause harm to the surrounding environment. Residents of Butte are vulnerable living so close to the Pit, which has now become a tourist attraction. According to Pit Watch— the official source of information about the Berkeley Pit— the current level of the Pit is approximately 54’ below the allowed ‘protective water level,’ leading me to wonder how well things are being handled in terms of safety for the Butte residents and the ecosystem around the Pit. As a senior at MSU studying Photography, I began thinking about how to convey the disillusion I experienced in Montana’s beauty, coupled with its contemporary issues, such as those presented by the Berkeley Pit. When it became time to create my Senior Project, I returned to this site to create experimental color photographs made

by soaking paper in Berkeley Pit water, then processing them using the color darkroom.

After reaching out to those responsible for cleaning the Berkeley Pit water, I was able to collect 5 gallons of contaminated water to create photographs from. Experimental photography often appears different to every viewer, but my intentions— despite not knowing what would appear, if anything— were to create my version of a western landscape while touching on how I’ve changed as a woman in Montana, as well as the environmental impacts of the Pit. What resulted from my experimentation was “Beauty in the Bad Water,” an ethereal display of darkness and flashes of vivid color in abstract, feminine contours. Feminine contours that speak to my desire to represent myself within my work as well as Mother Nature and Her contours in the Montana landscape around us. Blues, greens, pinks, and yellows match the color shifts of a bruise on your body, a nod to the bruising of Mother Nature that happens as mankind sets aside their concern for the environment for their desire for industry. Much like Montana, I have been beaten down at times while trying to pursue my passion. As a woman in photography, I am expected to only do family portrait shoots, but I am capable of more than this box women photographers are so often placed in. I want to be in a gallery, allowing people all over the world to gain a new perspective because of a piece of work I created. I must challenge myself often to prove to myself and my male peers that I have work worth showing.

Through this project, I’ve been able to embrace Montana as my new home and acknowledge that I’m okay with its imperfections. With my college graduation soon within my grasp, I have important decisions to make regarding my future.

I am learning to accept my new identity while keeping a space for the Midwest in my heart. I’m learning to embrace my imperfections amidst this imperfect landscape, and I’m finding new ways to communicate that in my work. I’ll continue to grow as a person with each body of work I create, much like Montana will continue to grow to reestablish the beauty that once was.

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S H E L B Y W E LT E shelbyrayne.com

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INT

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TAILINGS POND

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TAILINGS

E TERRAC

BERKELEY PIT

BUTTE

IMAGE FROM NASA | AUGUST 2, 2006

At the time of publishing, the Berkeley Pit is roughly 1,100' deep. At the time this NASA image was captured in 2006, the pit was 900' deep.

The pit’s water had an acidity of 2.5 pH, equivalent to lemon juice or vinegar, but has since scaled to 3.4 (wine, orange juice) as of 2016. However, it still contains heavy metals, including arsenic, cadmium, copper, lead, sulfuric acid, and zinc. It has been closed since 1982 and has been listed as an EPA Superfund site since 1987.

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IT BEGAN

BY SIMPLY REACHING OUT

BY NICOLE MARIA EVANS | CURATOR PARIS GIBSON SQUARE MUSEUM OF ART IMAGES BY DEAN DAVIS

A

crylic human-shaped hearts, individually molded and embedded with a single flag for every nation, huddle close together inside handmade resin baskets. They rustle and move and cling together, little hands mixing and jumbling them up in search of the perfect heart in the interactive piece Heartsong IV: One World, One Heart Many Heart Songs, 2020. Each heart represents an unfamiliar nation to each little 7-year-old visitor whose eyes grow wide at the prospect of this “search and find” experience about distant lands and people. The wrapped cord that dangles from every heart is meant to be tied to each neighboring heart, located on a colorful abstract world map that covers the entirety of one of the gallery walls. This piece is part of Christina Rothe’s exhibition Awakening and the One Heart Call Project, an exhibition two years in the making, which focuses on people’s shared human existence.

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“Ever since I was a child, I found art to be my way of responding to the world. Through my art, I seek to express life’s journey in all its fullness.

From the extremes of beauty, innocence, and courage to pain, depravity, and cruelty, these are experiences we all share in common as humanity.”

Christina Rothe is German-born and lives and works in Spokane, WA. Her most recognizable works are her intricate, fascinating, and almost trance-inducing multi-media thread paintings.

Mesmerizing and conceptually provocative, with layered images and meanings that spring forth, her pieces appear to be the result of deep meditative concentration and hypnotic repetition.

The Spaces In-between, 2020, a large-scale thread painting, depicts an abstracted non-specific space that takes the viewer on a visual journey through uncertain territory. Rich, textured celllike forms mix and ripple with shapes that could be interpreted as colorful urban sprawl or cellular division filled with action, noise, and life. These contrasting textures and threads of color create juxtapositions that allow the viewer to interpret as they see fit. The meaning is ours, and we decide what is present or absent in the transformative spaces that fall in-between the lines.

“As I layer my individual threads of various weights and colors one thread at a time onto surfaces, I hold these extremes in context. My technique of working with threads evolved over many years, inspired by the African artist FAB (Adebisi Fabunmi). My hope is to communicate beauty in all of its phases, invoking the OneHeartMind within me and the viewer of my art in summoning courage to face all that life has to offer.”

Christina’s most recent body of work— Christina Rothe: Awakening and the OneHeartCall Project_ building community with the voices of our hearts through the arts— exhibiting at Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art (The Square) through February 12th, 2021, continues to explore her concerns about the human condition. However, this time there is a different component about fellowship and the bonds people share despite the differences that separate them, be it place, race, or religion. Christina gained strength to move her artistic message outwards, away from the internal intimacy of her own experience, towards the surrounding community. She began by “simply reaching out.”

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of her newest work, with a mission to bring people together through the arts. The project highlights universally shared values of hope, love, and respect. Christina’s intent is to create unity through art. She began by inviting diverse communities from Spokane, WA to partake in creative collaborations that included art-making, oral histories, choral performances, music, and dance. The work presented results from her commitment to working with everyday people representing socially and culturally diverse sectors, including students, musicians, artists, refugees, the elderly, or a combination of all the above. Eventually, the project grew into an artistic humanitarian experience as her path unfolded and connected with the lives of different people.

“The inspirational thread for this project is to remind us all that in spite of our beautiful differences— may it be language, culture, traditions, or skin color— we all have one thing in common, which is our beautiful heart! Growing up in Lagos, Nigeria, I came to learn that tensions amongst community members seemed to ease when we shared meals or played music or introduced other voices of the arts. Everyone involved realized then they had similar dreams 24

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and fears despite their unique cultural differences.

Nelson Mandela said, ‘We are born innocent and learn to hate, if we learn how to hate we can learn how to love’ and ‘Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the triumph over it.’”

Reaching out to the community in Spokane did not come without its challenges; Christina felt as if skeptical eyes peered at her with concern when approached with her project. She began by working with students through The Community School (TCS) in Spokane. Instead of teachercentered instruction, TCS learning is studentdriven— students dive into authentic projects that integrate core subjects. It was a challenge to reach out and ask someone to speak in their native language and share their meaning of the word heart or let their heartbeat be recorded; it seemed invasive, even to Christina. However, it turned out breaking the communication barrier was not that difficult. Even for a stranger like herself, people opened up their lives to her; they wanted a chance to be heard, to tell their tales of sorrow and of grace. It became a deep and moving experience for everyone.

“Being an immigrant and naturalized citizen

myself who was told not too long ago to go back to the country I came from, I am moved to address the fact that in our nation we are still confronted with the ugly rearing of rising hate, suppression, and divisiveness. The idea of inclusion, a founding principle of our country, creates such overwhelming fear and anger towards others.

This led to my community outreach to encourage more people to embrace our diversity so we can find heart to overcome fear, hate, racism, and divisiveness; only together are we able to face our challenges of the present and future.”

bringing meaning to its special idea of kinship.

As a visitor, you enter an intimate and private space filled with words, colors, textures, and voices, with a subtle heartbeat in the background. A labyrinth in the shape of a heart veiled with translucent hanging panels to blur your vision suddenly reveals drawings, poems, and sculptures made by different students. People you do not yet know seem to reach out and establish a common connection. They sound as one in a singular space, with different parts coming together to function harmoniously, much like the ventricles and veins of a heart that pump blood through our bodies. You enter the installation through the oxygen-depleted part of the heart and exit, fulfilled, through the enriched side of the heart.

only together are we able to face our challenges of the present and future.

There is the physical and emotional side to what heart means to each individual, and the metaphoric dark and bright side of our heart that can be at odds. The project gave the community a platform to explore these contrasting aspects in themselves and share their experiences at the pace they desired in the artistic expression of their choice. The student work created by OneHeartCall Project participants is exhibited in a uniquely designed installation,

The OneHeartCall Project is far from complete because there is a “call and response” component asking for participation from people everywhere.

Christina started the call in Spokane, and the mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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message is spreading beyond the shelter of her home. Through the efforts of Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art (The Square), bonds are now forming with the Great Falls, MT community and she is tapping into people’s hearts. To accompany the exhibition and join her project, the museum staff and docents worked with Christina to create educational programs and tours for the public-school at the museum system or applied in both the classroom and with remote learning. Due to the current pandemic, plans to create in-person communal activities have been converted to virtual happenings. Christina is currently working remotely with the Curative Art Collective at The Square, a program dedicated to enriching the lives of at-risk youth through the arts. The students interact with Christina virtually on a weekly basis to develop ideas, have a conversation, and grow through art-making.

Together with The Square, she has expanded the project and connected with Conservatory ASL Northwest (CAN), whose purpose is to connect, cultivate, and empower deaf and hearing signers of all ages by facilitating both knowledgesharing and social interactions in American Sign Language. Her collaboration with CAN Co-Founder Amanda Fudge has allowed her to reach artists in the deaf community across the United States.

There is hope that work submitted to Christina and created through her collaborations will be integrated into a future exhibition of the project.

Christina’s determination to continue to work on this project despite obstacles related to time, place, or current events shows the importance of the relationships we build and the common threads of life that we share with one another.

The OneHeartCall is being heard by many, and the response is resonating within us all.

Exhibitions presented by Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art are supported in part by the Montana Arts Council, a state agency funded by the State of Montana, Humanities Montana, National Endowment for the Humanities: Exploring the human endeavor, and National Endowment for the Arts. Additional funding is provided by museum members and the citizens of Cascade County, and generous support from Montana Credit Union and D.A. Davidson. Special sponsorship by Montana Woman Magazine.

To join the OneHeartCall Project, go to www.oneheartcallproject.com

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a a contemporary contemporary art art museum museum

The Square invites you to participate in an exhibition of work by Christina The Paris Gibson Square Museum Art (The Thevalues Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art (The Rothe. OneHartCall Project highlights universally shared of hope, love,of Square) in Great Falls, Montana has been has been Square) in Great Falls, Montana and respect. Rothe’s intent is to create unity through art. To accomplish this, exhibitingexhibiting art, teaching art and supporting art, teaching and supporting she invited socially and culturally diverse communities from Spokane, WA to artart the development of contemporary and art and the development of contemporary partake in creative collaborations that included artists art making, oral histories, choral since 1977.

Housed in the historic artists since 1977. Housed in the historic performances, music, and dance. The work comes herFalls vested interest Great from Falls school built in 1896 by 1896 Paris by Paris Great school built in in the betterment of human relationships andGibson, the positive results of creating the founder of Great Falls.

Gibson, the founder of Great Falls. bonds through art despite individual differences.

The Square knownis for its exceptional The isSquare known for its exceptional rotating exhibitions showing local, regional Christina Rothe was raised in Lagos, Nigeria and born rotating in Germany.

She lives exhibitions showing local, regional and national contemporary artists, in nationalknown contemporary artists, in and works in Washington and is a multi-media artist. Sheand is primarily for addition to its outdoor sculpture garden and addition to itsthreads outdoorofsculpture garden and her dramatic large-scale thread paintings, where she layers individual educational gallery programing.

The museum educational gallery programing.

The museum various weights and colors one thread at a time onto a surface.

In this exhibition, offers outstanding onsite studio classes toclasses to offers outstanding onsite studio Rothe combines technology with tradition to complete her project vision where the community in ceramics, printmaking, community ceramics, printmaking, layers of sound, community art works, video, and audiothe recordings are in woven painting, painting, drawing and more!and more! drawing

CHRISTINA ROTHE, 2020. SHADOW HEART. 53" x 26"

CHRISTINA ROTHE Awakening and the OneHeartCall Project_building community with the voices of our hearts through the arts

CHRISTINA ROTHE, 2020. THE SPACES INBETWEEN. 4' x 8'

seesee the the art art & make the the art art & make OCTOBER 2, 2020 THROUGH FEBRUARY at the square at the square 12, 2021

into a creative visual display.

PARISPARIS GIBSON SQUARE GIBSON SQUARE Paris Gibson Square MUSEUM OF ART MUSEUM OF ART Museum of Art 1400 First Avenue North

1400 First Avenue 1400 First North Avenue North Great Falls, MT 59401 Great Falls, MT 59401 Great MT 59401 TheFalls, (406)727-8255 Square (406)727-8255 406-727-8255 / the-square.org www.the-square.org www.the-square.org www.facebook.com/PGSMOA/ www.facebook.com/PGSMOA/

HOURS OF OPERATION HOURS OF OPERATION

Online Reception: Friday, OpenVirtual Monday-Friday 10am to10am 5pm, to including Open Monday-Friday 5pm, including October 2, 2020 at 5:30 pm, Facebook Live @ to Tuesday Tuesday EveningsEvenings 5-9pm, and Saturday Noon to Noon 5-9pm, and Saturday facebook.com/PGSMOA 5pm. Closed and Select Holidays.

5pm.Sundays Closed Sundays and Select Holidays. free admission!

free admission!

Artist Workshop: Saturday, October 3,

2020 from 10:00am to 3:00pm, Call to Enroll

montana woman

Exhibitions presented

by Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art are supported in part by thein Montana ArtsMontana Council,Arts a state agencyafunded by thefunded State ofbyMontana the National Exhibitions presented

by Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art are supported part by the Council, state agency the Stateand of Montana and Endowment the National Endowment for the Arts. Additional funding is provided andmembers the citizens Cascade County, and generous support from support Montana Federal CreditFederal UnionCredit and D.A. Davidson. for the Arts.

Additional fundingbyismuseum providedmembers by museum andofthe citizens of Cascade County, and generous from Montana Union and D.A. Davidson.

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BETWEEN THE BALSAM TREES

BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

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PATTERN BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

SUPPLIES & SPECS ⩕ DMC embroidery floss, 1 skein per color ⩕ use 2 threads for main stitches, 1-2 threads for backstitch ⩕ 18 count Aida (14 count will make a 63/4˝ x 63/4˝ piece) ⩕ 6˝ embroidery hoop (7˝ if you use 14 count cloth) ⩕ needle & scissors ⩕ 94 stitches wide x 94 stitches high ⩕ 51/4˝ x 51/4˝ finish size on 18 count cloth

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the magical powers of art & doing it together

BY CHLOE NOSTRANT IMAGES BY SERENA GOSSACK

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Do you believe in magic?

I do.

I have seen it first hand through the works of many artists. A sheet of metal is transformed into a coveted adornment.

Light, colors, and forms are captured in the frames of a photograph. Brushstrokes all add up to a masterpiece. There are a million different ways to create art— to create magic— and a million different artists out there.

The process of becoming a full-time artist is not a quick one. An idea is born— maybe to create jewelry, maybe to make photographs, maybe to write poems. After the seed is planted, the passion grows and skills are learned. Trial and error rule most of these long hours. It can be hard to remember that you aren’t alone in those times.

If you are lucky, you may even have a community of fellow artists who are going through the same evolution right beside you.

Sometimes the stars align and you find someone who is like a creative soul mate. School is a great place to meet like-minded individuals and share the trials and tribulations of both assigned and passion projects. Workplaces are another great spot to find a creative comrade in the chaos of the world. But what happens when you move on from those places?

For Julia Dobie and Serena Gossack, the spark of their creative friendship didn’t burn out after they graduated college or left their shared job on campus. Both graduates of the Graphic Design program at Montana State and both former designers for an on-campus office, they in many ways grew into their artistic identities together.

Julia went on to start Third Hand Silversmith after finding her passion as a metalsmith in college. She slowly sold more and more pieces, developed a recognizable style, and was able to scale up her jewelry business and scale back on her ‘daytime jobs.’ Serena graduated and moved to Ennis, where she launched her own full-service creative company, Gossack Creative. She realized

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her love for all things visual and her passion for helping brands create an intentional aesthetic.

While still in college, they started collaborating on photo shoots for Third Hand. Serena was a budding photographer and designer, and Julia was settling into her style of jewelry making.

With each shoot that passed, the growth of each woman was exhibited. Through the years, they each established easily recognizable styles and amassed solid followings. They, at least in part, have collaboration to thank for that. Starting from scratch is no easy task, and being a part of a supportive community can be make or break.

Knowing they always have someone in their corner who they trusted helped give each of them the boost they needed to take the next step with their crafts.

That creative trust is not something that comes easily. It can be hard to completely trust someone with your art— your soul and hard work. Sitting around a box of Bridger Brewing pizza, Julia and Serena agreed; they wholeheartedly trust each other. They love being able to experiment with new styles or techniques with each other knowing they will get honest feedback.

The power of their trust and friendship only grows stronger with each collaboration. The end result? Not just the art of one on display, but two.

Two women’s worth of handcrafted, well thought out, beautiful, and powerful art— and that is pretty magical.

CHLOE NOSTRANT is a writer, photographer, and artist (among other things) from Livingston, Montana. Finding stories in Montana’s vast landscapes, winding rivers, and saloons, she pulls inspiration from the characters born of these circumstances. Curious with how a place dictates the people, she travels around Montana and the American West documenting its people and places (and fishing its streams).

serena gossack @GOSSACKCREATIVE GOSSACKCREATIVE.COM

julia dobie

@THIRDHANDSILVERSMITH THIRDHANDSILVERSMITH.COM

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we grease the rusty hinges of our greatest dreams and we begin once again

IMAGE BY JAMES FITZGERALD

—Morgan Gemay Marks

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BY LENA MARIE SCHIFFER IMAGES BY CHLOE NOSTRANT & ETHAN CONFER

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IMAGE BY NOAH BUSCHER

FEATURE |

Sky, falling dark, Thunder shook, lightning struck, Felt I'd come apart, From the womb, a naked heart LENA MARIE SCHIFFER, COME UP FOR AIR

MARCH 7, 2020. A steady

stream of people entered Pine Creek Lodge, braving winter roads and sparse parking along East River Road in Paradise Valley. The crowd grew louder as the beer was poured and the opening band played. By the time we stepped on stage, the small room was at full capacity; 100 people packed in like sardines, waiting for us to hit our first notes. We opened with our original song, “Two Days of Rain.” It’s fitting now that I look back on it: a song about how patience can get you through a time when everything is figuratively burning down.

In the following week, all the bookings on my once-full calendar were crossed out and replaced with the words “Cancelled - covid.” My band, Laney Lou and the Bird Dogs, is a full-time touring act that has worked tirelessly for seven years to move up the ladder in the Folk/Americana music scene. Our self-booked and self-managed schedule is planned and fine-tuned for at least six months prior to each event. 2020 was going to be our busiest summer yet— we were finally seeing our efforts pay off, landing spots on major festivals and supporting well-known touring acts. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything was gone. There

was a resounding silence, like the breath had been knocked out of us. From divey barroom shows to sold-out stadium tours, live music as a whole went quiet. Grief, anger, and disbelief flooded the industry with the question “what now?”

The Bird Dogs started as a passion project in 2013, growing from pick-up gigs in bars to touring full time. I always knew to some extent that being a full-time musician was risky. Our livelihood is built entirely on trust: trust that the venue won’t cancel without cause, trust that we will be paid at the end of the night, and trust that people will buy enough tickets or merchandise to justify the gig. The venue trusts musicians to show up and hires sound engineers, light technicians, doormen, bartenders, and marketing teams.

Emails are sent back and forth between booking agents, managers, and venues just to put a show on the calendar. Road miles are logged, ads are placed, bars are stocked, and several teams of people are relying on each other. But none of this is worthwhile or possible without an audience.

Ten months later, we are still asking, “What now?” If given the choice, my band and most other musicians would continue touring. A live

LENA MARIE SCHIFFER AT OUT OF THE BLUE IN LIVINGSTON | IMAGE BY CHLOE NOSTRANT

performance is the current that flows between a band and their audience. The energy exchange at shows is indescribable; it is an affirmation of all of the work we’ve put into our songs. It only takes one good show to make you forget about the hardships of living in a van and surviving on gas station hot dogs. Now, we’ve been forced to adapt to a new way of connecting to our fans and our creativity.

This year has been one long exercise in letting go.

I have heard people refer to the pandemic as a ‘giant pause,’ but I find it more accurate to call it a ‘giant purge,’ a chance to get rid of that which doesn’t serve me. In April I moved into a new house, the perfect opportunity to throw out or donate excess belongings. But once the physical items were sorted through, I began digging deeper internally. I realized how much I needed a respite from touring. Our band had been burning 40

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the midnight oil for a few years, so a summer at home was a welcome opportunity to be still, to sleep in my own bed, and have time to think.

It occurred to me that we had never paused to establish what we wanted and needed from each other to be successful in this business. It is easy to get distracted when we are touring, our days filled with miles of travel, sound checks, and late-night shows. As we move forward, we set the intention to check in with each other and the business on a regular basis, make goals and follow through with them, and zoom out on our progress as a whole.

I pride myself on being able to find the silver linings in difficult situations. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the backbone of my job, even if it was a wobbly one. I still experience waves of grief, missing the personal connections with fans and the spontaneity of life on the road. But the pandemic has afforded us the time to reconnect

LANEY LOU & THE BIRD DOGS AT THE FILLING STATION IN BOZEMAN | IMAGE BY ETHAN CONFER

with each other and to reinvent ourselves as a band. It allowed us space to dream about where our musical style is headed and who we want to be creatively without the pressures of touring.

Our energy has been funneled into writing songs for our fourth album, which we will record in February 2021. We enjoyed the fleeting Montana summer, spending time in our backyard mountain ranges. My favorite memory is fly fishing for cutthroat trout on Slough Creek in Yellowstone National Park over a two-day backpacking trip.

Though this pandemic stopped us in our tracks, creating a roadblock to our momentum, our band has been anything but stagnant. We redirected our energy in ways we didn’t necessarily realize we needed.

And maybe the live music industry needed redirection too. Within the void, venues have scrambled to put together live streaming and

smaller in-person concerts that adhere to social distancing guidelines. As a musician and an audience member, I have experienced some of the most intimate, meaningful shows I have ever been to or been a part of. The Bird Dogs returned to Pine Creek Lodge to play this August, and in the first fifteen minutes, I was hit by the biggest wave of adrenaline I have ever felt on stage, fueled by the energy of an audience who had been craving live music for months. Just weeks earlier, again at Pine Creek Lodge, my partner Ryan Acker played an opening set for the lead singer and songwriter of Trampled by Turtles, Dave Simonett. The pandemic landed Simonett at a small Montana venue, playing solo to a crowd that sat quiet for a full two hours, soaking up every word and note he played. The audience and musicians shared a unique bond, and I recognized how much we needed to experience the deep internal feeling that music provides. Ryan and I had the chance mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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IMAGE BY ETHAN CONFER

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to hang out with Dave after the show, and that evening it felt like I was precisely where I needed to be. Trampled by Turtles has inspired the Bird Dogs since the very beginning, and it was surreal to have one of my heroes in such close proximity. There is a renewed appreciation for live performance, and I hope it continues to the other side.

new beginning for us all. An opportunity to let go of the old and embrace the new and unfolding path ahead.

Some days it’s hard to listen for silver linings, but I truly believe there will be a renaissance for artists once we are able to safely emerge from our introspective year. We have transformed little by little in our creative cocoons, and we will be stronger and more insightful and appreciative than ever. A light has shone on vulnerabilities in the industry, but it has also made us realize what an incredible network of people it takes to create live performances, audiences included. Amidst the grief and hardship this pandemic has brought millions of people, I hold out hope that this is a

vinyls, cds, merch, and preorders are available for purchase at thebird-dogs.com

m o nt a n a w o ma n ma g a zi ne | is s ue 10

L ANEY LOU AND THE BIRD DOGS

follow the band on instagram & facebook @ laneylouandthebirddogs

&

listen & follow on spotify

LAUGH AT ME, MAKE ME BARE, SHAKE ME TO THE BONES THAT ARE STANDING HERE, TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE I CANNOT CARE, I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO LAND JUST ANYWHERE, OH COME, UP FOR AIR, COME UP FOR AIR.

lena marie schiffer come up for air

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the

Leave No Trace

™

Seven Principles

1. Plan ahead and prepare 2. Travel & camp on durable surfaces 3. Dispose of waste properly 4. Leave what you find 5. Minimize campfire impacts 6. Respect wildlife 7. Be considerate of other visitors IMAGE BY JAMIE PILGRIM

© 1999 by the Leave No Trace Center for Outdoor Ethics: www.LNT.org.

| VIGNETTE

Here it is: after A house, with each door open A beckoning, in.

IMAGE BY COLE KEISTER

— Autumn Toennis

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FEATURE |

SHERYL OTT:

fiinding freedom through the detours

BY L AUREN BURGESS IMAGES BY DANIELLE LOPEZ & DEVIN HELEN ARCHILL A

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IMAGE BY DANIELLE LOPEZ

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I

This moment in time feels somehow separated from reality, juxtaposed against how I know Sheryl best: kicking up her boots in the sunshine at a historic ranch in southwest Montana, inhabiting her surroundings with a cool, casual elegance, breathing in the wind with power, purpose, and a ready smile. We met when Sheryl first extended an invitation to me, sight unseen, to be part of her Dare to Detour retreat. The image of Sheryl leading Dare is how I hold her in my mind. Passionate. Joyful. At peace. But this moment, while foreign— as we sit separated by a screen, hungry for the sense of grounding and connection that have been many months out of reach— is just as real. At this moment, we collectively and individually feel our souls exposed to the elements, cast out from the comforts in which we’ve taken solace for so long.

For Sheryl, it’s been a crucible of transformation.

And she would not just survive, but— perhaps for the first time— wholeheartedly thrive.

Sheryl carries cool within her bones like a mountain stream. If I closed my eyes, I’d let her words flow over me like the mist from a waterfall.

Her energy is so expansively real that I can feel it emerge from the screen’s pixels and shift the aura of my home office; there’s just something in this woman that wakes the spirit. She reminds you of your better self, who you were, and who you could 48

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IMAGE BY DANIELLE LOPEZ

can see Sheryl Ott sitting in her new kitchen, gazing back at me through our Facetime call with focused, engaged energy scarcely less tangible than when I see her in person. Her sweep of golden-gray hair glows in the low-angled morning light of late November.

It teases into a curl where it kisses collarbones and crowns the soft curve of breast, subtle reconstructive surgical scars hidden beneath a neutral-colored, chunky knit sweater. She tilts her head and smiles through blue-light glasses, a subtle coyness grounded by the substance of her honesty and wit. She speaks of the newlyhung bird feeders outside her window, and I imagine two words held close in her palms as if they are themselves delicate birds— crushed if held too tight, yet in danger of being released before their time. Divorce. Breast cancer. Then, unafraid, she sings each word into the song of our conversation, part of her life that sweeps up both those shadowed truths into a full, achingly beautiful symphony.

become. A few minutes with Sheryl will have you belly-laughing while reconnecting to your power and purpose. She doesn’t do this intentionally— it’s simply what she lives, emanates, and shares.

But today, we’re not laughing—we’re grieving the part of herself that Sheryl leaves behind as she recognizes that she was only ever meant to climb the mountain, not to carry it.

With that heart-on-her-sleeve, matter-of-fact way of sharing that disarms the listener with sincerity, Sheryl describes her week to me, and the words hit deeply. “I just decided not to visit my

family for Thanksgiving. I’m feeling tremendous grief right now, on so many levels, but I didn’t fully realize it until I had to tell my parents I’m not coming. My 81-year-old mom, this dear woman who’s never dropped an f-bomb in her life, responded, ‘F*ck covid.’ My dad said, ‘Dear!’ and then she said it again. I won’t see my parents anytime soon, I haven’t seen them in a year, and I won’t be with my kids, either, so there’s that.”

In 2020, a year of upheaval and loss, Sheryl inhabits a uniquely liminal space in both the physical world and the world of the heart. She

recently left the expansive landscape of the Bridger foothills for a downtown Bozeman home. With it, she released the closeness and restriction of a dying marriage for the promise of independence. The house is smaller, but entirely hers. She explores every inch of her new home in parallel with plumbing the depths of her soul, experiencing both with tender realness— new beginnings wrought by possibility and pain.

“When I say I have layers of grief, I’m grieving the loss of the woman who I was. And I’m celebrating where I see that woman heading.”

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Sheryl’s life has been defined by new beginnings, both chosen and unexpected. She recalls her last childhood memory of feeling freely, utterly herself, around the age of ten. And then, “as I grew up, comparison crept in. I’d loved volleyball in middle school but failed to make the cut for the high school team, and I let that failure define me. And that is when I first put the mask on. So, instead of doing things for the love of it, out of curiosity and joy, I began following the path of least resistance. I started to bury my inner child’s spirit of creativity and adventurousness under the burden of what was expected of me. I threw myself into the role of being ‘good.’ I was the good student, the safe driver, the cheerleader, student body secretary. I became— and remain— adept at reading a situation and adapting to it, good at meeting expectations.

And whether or not those expectations were healthy, or anything I wanted, didn’t matter. I was driven by external affirmation. I think most people mean well when they place their expectations upon you— but that doesn’t really matter in the end, when it subdues the soul.”

New York City by herself to pursue a career in the financial industry. Applying to over 100 jobs and enduring rejection from all but two. Going up against blue-blooded ivy leaguers for interviews, armed with a state school education funded by a 4-H scholarship and a walletful of tips earned as a nighttime truckstop waitress. Carving out her niche at the first online trading company in the world, and then in investment banking, where she met her future husband.

“College was my first real open door to freedom.

I took the mask off, but that is a risky moment of vulnerability— you’re at risk of just slipping on a different mask. I was so young when I went to college, just 17, and not emotionally equipped to stand in my own power, still seeking external affirmation. I didn’t pursue a major I loved, just whatever would get me through on time, to stay in keeping with my parents’ wishes that I’d graduate in four years.”

“It was groundless. I felt like a hot mess, and I wondered out loud, ‘What happened to the brave girl who moved to New York City on a dare?’ As I struggled with finding purpose and meaning, I realized my North Star has been there all along; it just required a detour.

I needed to go in a new direction: back to myself.

It all came rushing to me at once. I was going to Dare to Detour, and take other like-minded women with me.”

But despite the decades of serving others, of defining her success by the voiced and unspoken expectations of those around her, Sheryl has always had a spark of rebellious, courageous fire within. It’s come out in ways over the years— bucking the expectations of becoming a navy wife to her college boyfriend, and instead, moving to

What she did then has rippled outward to impact women from different backgrounds and situations, with unique stories but the same questions. Who am I, beneath outer expectations?

How can I liberate that part of myself and connect with who I am now?

Together, they moved back to San Francisco, where Sheryl tried to continue her thriving career, but job after job turned her down because of her visible pregnancy. She threw herself into caring for her children. She was happy, mostly, but found identity almost solely in being a parent and a wife.

Sheryl’s story, in many ways, feels like the eternal story of being a woman. Our true selves, vibrant and free in childhood, become stifled by expectations, woundings, heartbreak, and fear. So we let the course of our life flow down the safe path, the beaten path.

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Eventually, she abruptly transitioned from stayat-home mom of 18 years to empty nester. She’d defined herself by her career, then motherhood.

And now, the doors and windows were wide open.

The nest was empty in more ways than one.

IMAGE BY DEVIN HELEN ARCHILLA

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IMAGE BY DANIELLE LOPEZ

is an in-person retreat held each fall at the Nine Quarter Circle Ranch in southwest Montana, adjacent to the ruggedly beautiful Lee Metcalf Wilderness. Women join together for five days in an empowering exploration of their own hearts.

The retreat has grown over the years, with more participants coming, others returning, and an infusion of increasingly poignant exercises and retreat offerings. I can say firsthand that Dare to Detour supports women in realizing their strengths, resilience, and creative potential.

Sheryl’s story, in many ways, feels like the eternal story of being a woman. Our true selves, vibrant and free in childhood, become stifled by expectations, woundings, heartbreak, and fear. So we let the course of our life flow down the safe path, the beaten path. We are ruled by “shoulds” instead of passion. We spend time listening to outer critics, but the most powerful criticism of all often comes from within— the voices and stories we internalized and the masks we now use as a means of self-preservation. And yet, the “self ” we’re protecting may be far from who we actually are— we’ve worn a mask for so long that we don’t even know who’s beneath it.

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And why Montana? We give the feelings different names, but the meanings run deep, parallel with one another like long lines of ancient strata. Freedom. Possibility.

Untaming our wild hearts. When we feel our little human bodies pressed against the stoic grandeur of such powerful wildness, we feel at once grounded and uplifted.

A simultaneous departure from the known and a return to what we somehow knew all along. An invitation to explore who we are beneath the distraction of societal or familial expectations. There is nothing as freeing as the moment we lean fully into the bracing clarity of the wild mountain winds of Big Sky Country, with the knowledge that nothing looks back to judge us. We feel only openness and truth, connecting with something larger than ourselves and stepping wholeheartedly into the purity of the expanse. The only requirement to entry, perhaps even to enlightenment, is that our mask be left at the trailhead.

So, Dare to Detour began to take off. Sheryl Ott was invigorated with the success of her third annual retreat, poised to bring Dare to a new reach of influence. And then, the world crashed down around her with devastating news. Breast cancer.

But still, we feel a sense of longing, a feeling that we are meant for more. The greater the ache, the larger the disconnect between our masked self and our true self. Eventually, we reach a point where remaining the same causes greater discomfort than the vulnerability of change. That moment is where our detour begins.

A family history of breast cancer had motivated her to do regular self-checks and screenings since the age of forty. For over a decade, the results were silent. Healthy. “Finally, last year, the screenings revealed a tumor. It was Grade 1, which meant slow-growing, less aggressive. But still— cancer.”

In 2018, Sheryl created a community of inspiration and transformation. Dare to Detour

Over the next six months, Sheryl pursued an aggressive treatment plan. On March 16th, as the

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In late summer, they separated. Sheryl said, “I had no idea how much my confidence had been impacted over the years until I walked away. I feel very vulnerable… a word which is up there with ‘self-care’ right now. To be vulnerable carries deeper meaning and heartache than most of us give it credit for.

Let’s not just throw that shit out there— ‘be vulnerable’— unless we’re really willing to do it. To be terrified, sitting in a space of grief and sadness and uncertainty. Yet with all of that heartache, vulnerability is so essential in starting anew. Learning to be comfortable with my whole self may be my most significant opportunity right now. Just showing up every day, messy but real. I’ve never allowed myself to be this real before.”

“When we talk about new beginnings, there’s a lot of optimism and excitement, but with that also comes grief. Grief because you’re often leaving something behind, or recognizing that something may not have happened in the way you’d hoped. I’m in a season I never expected.

And when this began, I knew it’d be hard, but I didn’t know how hard. I have been fortunate in my life to not have felt lots of grief… but everything that happened in the past, and is happening now, I’m feeling that grief, all of it at once. It’s f*cking hard! But I want to feel the full spectrum of these emotions because it’s a privilege for me to know all of this— even to feel the heartache. I could have been given a very different diagnosis. My cancer could have taken a very different path. I could have been in a different situation, where I wasn’t able to treat it aggressively or advocate for myself.

But here I am, cancer-free. And I truly feel like

IMAGE BY DANIELLE LOPEZ

world entered pandemic lockdown, Sheryl courageously underwent a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.

And as she recovered from surgery, learning to self-advocate and care for her changed body in the midst of a global crisis, the threads of her twenty-fiveyear marriage unraveled in her fingers. “We had been struggling for a long time, and we’d hoped moving to Montana, a fresh start, would bring the two of us back in alignment. But it did not.

It’s profoundly sad. We’d become too isolated from one another— we were too different in our identities and our paths.”

I have a second chance in doing things well for myself and my kids.”

The losses of those parts of her identity, her body and soul, have opened the door to a renewed sense of authenticity. Sheryl told me, “Detours like these— my breasts, my marriage— it’s a deeply vulnerable position. But there’s an opportunity for a new beginning in every detour.

In a way, I’ve been given the greatest gift: the chance to start over. Each morning I wake up and go through everything I’m grateful for.

My new health. My children. My people. My resolve. When we’re in the middle of challenging times, we might not notice that we’re building our resilience, little by little. But once we step through the door of a new beginning— bravely acknowledging our transformation— we can flex those resiliency muscles, illuminate our purpose, and feel truly free.”

“For my entire life, I was out there interacting with a mask on. And taking it off was so hard. It’s not just about what others see— it’s about what I see in myself. Where I find myself now, I’m starting mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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IMAGE BY DEVIN HELEN ARCHILLA

to feel fully capable of keeping the mask off this time. It feels good to my nervous system. I’m not looking back over my shoulder wondering what someone’s thinking, if they’re judging me, if I’m being scrutinized. I haven’t had that in so long, I can’t even remember. It’s so freeing.”

As I listen to my friend share her lived wisdom, I think about my own mask. Removing it is terrifying because it brings not just a fear of rejection, but the danger of being rejected for who we truly are. Yet, if the mask remains, we never have the opportunity to be seen. Masked, we will always feel starved for love, acceptance, and safety, because it cannot genuinely be ours.

“Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possibility.”

—OPRAH WINFREY

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When Sheryl was first diagnosed with cancer, she wrote down the five things she feared the most. Her fear of heights was at the very top of the list. So, in August, she went skydiving. She incorporated the adventure as part of a DIY Detour Challenge series she hosted during the pandemic, in lieu of an in-person retreat— she wanted to conquer her fear, and invite other women to conquer theirs, too. Sheryl and her daughter Isabel sat in a small plane, harnessed to complete strangers, and flew to an elevation nearly 10,000' above the valley floor.

I believe this moment was the manifestation of Sheryl’s truth. The tipping point at which being anything but her authentic self felt too small a life to live. At this moment, she craved truth above all else, stepping into the unknown of who she could truly be. Flying high above the earth, with no expectations, she was driven wholly by joy and

The instructor opened the door. Sheryl stood upon the small struts of the plane, leaned into the wild winds… and let go. She jumped into the void.

As the atmosphere rushed past, all those hidden burdens, the tendrils of expectations, the narratives which did not serve her, were stripped away and released into the vast blue. All that remained was her. She was weightless. Utterly free.

“I gave myself the gift of presence, letting go and trusting fully. When people talk about the act of trust as you step into the void— that’s exactly what I did. And diminishing the fear we feel, trying to negate it, doesn’t actually serve us. We can simply acknowledge it and let it naturally drop away as we move further into the unknown, into the truth.

Third Hand Silversmith creates thoughtfully handcrafted, daily-wear adornments that will stand the test of time.

Because what’s out there, ultimately, is me. My true self. That’s what’s waiting. And that is the most worthy, wonderful gift, the best existence possible.”

L AUREN BURGESS is a sincere listener, creative

optimist, and plucky adventurer. Seeking the connective threads between the everyday and the sublime, she writes from lived experiences— on foot, with hands, and from the heart. At the helm of First Light Writing, Lauren creates everything from website copy for neighborhood startups to organizational brand strategies; ad one-liners to multi-million-dollar fundraising campaign themes. Her philosophy is that marketing should be meaningful— how we tell our stories can change our world for the better. A chronic dabbler and exuberant neophile, Lauren takes pride in her non-vocational titles: wife to a man who always knows how to make her laugh, dog mom, cheerful ultrarunner, intermediate whitewater rafter, rookie ice climber, and aspiring mandolinist. The quickest ways to her heart are fresh-baked bread, good storms (with good gear), a sung harmony, or a starry night sky.

third hand

silversmith thoughtfully crafted jewelr y thirdhandsilversmith.com @thirdhandsilversmith

IMAGES BY GOSSACK CREATIVE

trust in the creative universe. Her deeper self, wild child, daring seeker of adventure, that strong, brilliant being within, was ready to reemerge.

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resonate

BY STEPHANIE EVANS

IMAGE BY MICHELLE KIM

The lights florescent above — buzz The buzzing creating a heaviness within Resonating My eyes wander to a shelf beyond my reach I ache with longing My longing adding to the heaviness A heaviness that starts to make its way down to my core.

That heaviness a punching bag of my own making My breath leaves me I feel as if I’m being skinned, gutted, left open and vulnerable Open and vulnerable to the predators The predators the Wolves the very pack from which I came The pack that taught me to watch carefully to listen even more carefully The pack that taught me to quiet my howl as they gathered around and took turns snipping and biting Biting and snipping my tender heart I am open now also to the elements — the elements I crave for they caress my tired body and ease my spirited soul— I am gasping

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| VIGNETTE

Grasping for my breath As my eyes wander once again To that shelf above Just beyond my reach — New beginnings Remembering Remembering Remembering to step To climb To reach To love To breathe and release the contents of that punching bag — the heaviness Becoming lighter and lighter as I reach that shelf That shelf filled with new beginnings No longer gutted I am filled with light No longer is my heart bleeding and torn No longer do I quiet my howl As my eyes wander to the Elements below I feel the caress as it eases my soul A pendulum of sound escapes A Guttural howl Ethereally resonating

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FEATURE |

loss, love— & grace

BY SYDNEY MUNTEANU IMAGES BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

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auren Oscilowski is known as one of our local Whitefish cool cats. She’s got the best Paloma in town and owns the tasting room hotspot, Spotted Bear Spirits. Lauren is lauded by her friends and coworkers for both her soft demeanor and quick wit, her sparkplug creativity, and her ability to motivate. And most certainly, for making a damn good drink.

When I first moved to Whitefish and discovered Spotted Bear Spirits, it right away became my go-to for any “let’s meet for a drink” occasion.

And Lauren— she was instantly put on my secret I want to be friends with her list.

When you meet Lauren, you’re immediately struck by her sweetness and her beauty all at once.

At 5’11” and always stylish, she is a presence in any room. Add that to the fact that she’s created one of the most recognized drink brands in Montana in the span of just five short years, Lauren is, to me, how you would picture the definition of feminine strength. It’s certainly in her athleticism, her business savvy, and entrepreneurialism, but

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it’s also just in the way she carries herself.

So it was when Lauren started opening up about the not-so-strong moments on social media (as public a platform as any), acknowledging the end of an engagement, losing a friend to cancer, grieving a relationship, saying goodbye to a dear pet, and grappling with anxiety from trying to keep a staff employed while operating a hospitality business during a pandemic— and with an influx of town tourism to boot. It was in those moments where Lauren began to share just a peek into the window of her own dark side of emotions that I realized she had another strength: that of being vulnerable. So, for an issue honoring New Beginnings, who better to learn from than a woman who’s willing to say, after an immense year of grief, that they want to be more vulnerable?

Lauren found Montana as her home by the way many of us non-locals do; through a feeling.

Lauren was living in Pennsylvania and recalls, “I hadn’t really found my community there. We moved when I was in the middle of high school,

After two years in Missoula, Lauren moved to Coram for an opportunity to work at Glacier Distilling. She became the company’s lead distiller, tasting room/operations manager, and sales and marketing manager over the course of the next four years. “Nic [Lee] had just gotten the business up and running and needed help.

I took an interview to work the tasting room,” Lauren recalls. “After a few months, I decided to take a course at Siebel Institute for brewing. Nic and I just really clicked as friends through that period. I remember seeing the excitement of his new business and all of the opportunity it had.

We didn’t really know where it was going to go, but when I expressed interest in the distilling back-end, I was super fortunate that Nic was open to letting me pursue whatever aspects of the business interested me. And he really let me flow into those areas.”

and I just remember not totally fitting in.” She stayed for a couple of years longer, enrolling at Penn State, and it was during the last three weeks of her undergrad, while working at the university’s Writing Center, that she befriended a fellow tutor who grew up in Polson. “Kristy casually invited me to come visit that summer. I don’t think she actually thought I would do it, though,” Lauren laughs. She flew out to Spokane, making a solo road trip through Priest Lake, and eventually made it to Montana for the 4th of July weekend to hang with Kristy. Lauren remembers calling her mom from a coffee shop, exclaiming, “I think I’m going to move out here!” That August, she packed up her car in Philadelphia and headed straight for Missoula, moving in as Kristy’s roommate. “That summer was so fun,” Lauren remembers. “I felt this real openness and friendliness with everyone.

I would show up with basically zero gear to join a camping trip, and everyone would take care of each other. I always thought I would end up in a place that was a little bigger and that had more of a city component. But Montana held me. I think it was just the people.”

In 2015 Lauren opened up her own shop, Spotted Bear Spirits, just off Central Street in downtown Whitefish. Today the business still runs its original tasting room but moved distilling operations to a larger facility in Columbia Falls last year in order to facilitate Lauren’s goals of growing the brand outside of Montana, into the Midwest, and beyond. “This year pumped the breaks on grand expansion, but only for now,” Lauren says. “I still have lofty goals. It’s just been tempered.” As it has for so many of us this year.

I asked Lauren about her experience running a business during covid. “I was actually in Hawaii when all of this started happening,” she says. “I had to call my team and close the tasting room down while I was still on my trip. And I remember the feeling as we were flying into Kalispell. The beginning of the pandemonium. Hawaii was almost a week behind, so I hadn’t fully been immersed in it yet. We landed and went straight to the supermarket. I was thinking— we’re going to run out of fresh produce!” Lauren laughs. “And now, of course, I still have a bunch of lentils and frozen broccoli in my fridge.”

Business aside, what did that feel like? Not just as an entrepreneur but as an individual entering a new reality? I wanted to know; I wanted her to share another peek into that vulnerability. (Her trip to Hawaii was, in part, a vacation Lauren gave to herself in the wake of a just called-off engagement.) Lauren didn’t skip a beat and mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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proceeded to share unabashedly and openly.

“It wasn’t, actually, until a few weeks after being home that I finally started to feel the weight of everything that was happening. Not just covid, but my whole year so far. Before Hawaii, I was definitely grieving the loss of a relationship, calling off my wedding in January. And on an emotional level, I had been operating mostly at what I think was a baseline threshold. From that low point, I then went straight into a super elevated emotional state, dealing with the pandemic and my business. I was making decisions day-by-day with my staff and hearing the news that was changing daily about how we could run the business.” She explains, “I’m not typically in the tasting room, but I had to be then. I had to be with them [my team]. And I ended up working for three or four weeks straight until Whitefish went into lockdown— and that’s when I crashed too. It was like the pendulum had swung both ways. Hard. And I felt pretty lost in that moment.”

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structure. I like early morning workouts. I like to have some sort of schedule to my day. Once all that went out the window, I didn’t realize how much of my fulfillment was from my work and my daily structure. How much of my life revolved around getting in my workouts and going to work.

These were the cornerstones of my ability to show up and be present. But without them, I was lost without realizing how lost I was.” She provides an example, “You know how you hear those stories of people who really pour themselves into their work and then when they retire, they are like a lost ship at sea? That really became apparent to me. I didn’t want to be that way. I thought: Oh, wow. I probably need to work on cultivating something deeper right now.”

This loss of structure, followed by a summer of gas-break-gas-break as a way of operating, is very much the way Lauren described her following months. And I know this feeling isn’t lost on any of us.

When are things going to go back to normal?

Ok, now we’re open. Just with social distancing!

But how nice is it that we can enjoy time for

hiking and camping this summer?!

Wait. Is an employee going to get sick and we’re going to have to close again?

“2020 has been a full year of learning how to selfregulate,” Lauren declares. “I realized I needed to pour energy into other things in my life.”

I ask Lauren to explain what she means by this.

“I’ve really been loving this idea of grace,” she says, going on to explain that she’s most definitely still grieving, still finding a way to process it all, but explains, “For me, grace means this idea of getting curious about where my thoughts and emotions are coming from. It means trying to observe a feeling and not trying to rush through it. It’s one thing to observe and recognize a reaction in us, but it’s another to build a path through it. If we don’t let ourselves sit in that space, or really feel, to go to the root of what’s causing those feelings of trauma, then we’re actually not going to be able to move through it and rebuild on the other side.

That’s been my experience.”

Lauren acknowledges, “This year has been a lot of sitting and observing.”

always meant to make sense of things. Maybe some seasons we are meant to sit in our grief. To let it flow through us, out of us, and around us. Grant ourselves permission to feel everything. To soften.

— L AUREN, POSTED ON NOVEMBER 16TH

To soften.

To find grace in our grief.

It takes a lot of strength to share, a lot of courage to sit with uncomfortable emotions. It’s the human in all of us that desires to just move past it, move past this year. “Let’s throw 2020 out the window— 2021 can’t come soon enough!” I’ve heard myself saying it too. We’ve all been forced to deal, in one way or another, with our dark moments longer than we’d really like to. So how do we begin again when we clearly can’t just pour ourselves a drink, hurry up, and move on? When can we get a break in the clouds for some sunshine?

Perhaps it’s by taking a cue from our friends like Lauren. To begin again is to acknowledge all that you are currently moving through.

To begin again is to soften.

For me, grace means this idea of getting curious about where my thoughts and emotions are coming from.

It means trying to observe a feeling and not trying to rush through it.

To sit and observe can take many forms. What Lauren has found most helpful lately has been finding a few new rituals to ground herself. “I have a deck of oracle cards. If I find myself waking up in an anxious state, I’ll draw a card and try to journal about it. Or, I’ll just try to sit with an intention about it and really try to quiet myself,” she explains. Lauren also admits, with a grin, that she was able to spend a lot more time outside and on the trails last summer.

A reconnection with Montana and the healing power of nature.

The year has been filled with so much grief. I keep bumping up against moments where I try to find the good, the silver lining, the positives and growth in all this grief. My mind wants to make sense of everything so it can move forward. Systematically compartmentalize to process. But maybe we are not

2021, here’s to a new view of life.

SYDNEY MUNTEANU is a communications and branding strategist with a passion for storytelling.

She grew up in Colorado and received her B.S. from the University of Colorado, Boulder and left in 2012 to pursue a marketing career in Los Angeles. After 5 years of city life, the call back to the mountains was too great and she found (and fell in love with) her new home in Whitefish, Montana. Sydney has a marketing consulting business working with food & beverage, wellness, and women’s brands. Connect and find her work at backlabelbranding.com HAIR: BAILEY ODAY | @BAILEYODAY MAKEUP: MARCELA CLOUD | @CLOUD_MARCELA

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But maybe we are not always meant to make sense of things. Maybe some seasons we are meant to sit in our grief. To let it flow through us, out of us, and around us. Grant ourselves permission to feel everything. To soften. —LAUREN OSCILOWSKI 64

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IMAGE BY SHEYENNE SHAMSA

BY JESSLYN MARIE

G

rief feels like a blank page. Much like setting out to write something, the “not knowing” is paralyzing. Not knowing where to start. Not knowing when to start. Not knowing if I’m making progress or simply forcing something out that will later be erased from the page, landing me firmly back at square one.

Grief feels like a game of Twister. Left hand, happy memory. Right hand, guilt and regret. Left foot, breathe. Right foot, numb. The demands of each emotion twist and turn my entire being into unrecognizable shapes until the carefully built set of checks and balances collapses in on itself, washing me in overwhelming relief at not having to hold it all together any longer.

Grief feels like a rollercoaster.

A steady and slow climb to the top before plummeting downwards. Every dip, rise, and turn comes as a surprise, not quite knowing which way the ride will take me next. One moment, I’m on top of the world; the next, I’m careening through a darkened tunnel— it’s equal parts terrifying and exhilarating.

see which ones wanted to come loose first— a quick mention in conversation here, a good sob session to myself there. Recently, it’s felt more and more like it’s “time” to truly dig in.

As someone who struggles with intermittent depression, it’s been a tricky road to navigate.

It’s very easy for me to become overwhelmed by the emotions surrounding my father’s death, and knowing when to dig and when to rest is still very much a work in progress. When I wrote the above stanzas, it took me several days to get even that much out. It was a personal exercise in overcoming that emotion-to-language barrier in describing what my grief process has felt like, while carefully paying attention to when the scale started tipping towards an absolute deluge of feelings that would inevitably send me into a downward spiral. I haven’t always been successful in keeping that balance, but I no longer feel like I have to carry this oppressive weight around with me all the time. I can come back to these recorded thoughts as many times as needed to reflect on, tinker with, and dive a little deeper.

Grief can feel like a massive boulder you have to carry…

But, over time, the edges smooth, it gets worn down, and it becomes easier to bear.

Grief feels like a Jenga tower; each individual block a memory. The easy ones come loose, surfacing to the top with nary a worry, and the increasingly difficult ones refuse to budge without persistent yet gentle coaxing. Push too hard, and the precarious structure threatens to topple. The higher it climbs, the harder it falls. Avoidance only prolongs the inevitable.

Grief just feels. And that’s what makes it so incredibly difficult to talk about— the part of the brain responsible for feelings and emotions (the limbic system) simply can’t translate them into actual words. Last fall, when I started seeing a therapist, I keenly avoided talking about my dad and his passing. Not necessarily because I wanted to; it just felt like too much at that point in time.

It’s been almost three years, and it’s taken very intentional baby steps of tugging at the various strings that make up this knotted ball of hurt to

…

I think what bothers me most about grief is the societal idea that when one thing ends, another begins— as if bereavement has some unspoken time limit to it and you’ll magically “move on” at that point. This has never sat quite right with me.

It suggests that most everything happens in a neat, linear manner and, if experience has taught me anything, it couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, the entirety of our existence is a complicated and intricately woven tapestry of relationships and experiences, so it feels to me more akin to a complex system of overlapping layers. In many ways, something has most definitely ended (life and business as usual), which has in turn led to something else beginning (death and varying degrees of mourning), but there are several gray areas.

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an end— I can no longer physically visit with him, give him a hug, or talk with him on the phone— and the immense pain I felt immediately following his death has receded by a large degree.

But he’s still very much a part of my life, in ways I’m both keenly aware of and have yet to discover, and I still feel a great amount of pain. It’s just… different. Nothing has “ended,” per se; it’s merely transformed, taking bits and pieces of what was and making them into what is.

JESSLYN MARIE is a Bozeman-based photographer and avid outdoor enthusiast, combining these two passions into adventure elopements. Her main jam is 4-season solo backpacking, but she can also be found skiing, mountain biking, rock climbing, playing hockey, and empowering/educating women on recreating in the outdoors. Jesslyn has taught womenspecific classes for REI, SheJumps, and Bridger Babes, and is the backpacking mentor for Bridger Babes.

To see some of her work and follow along, check her out on Instagram at @jesslynmariephoto or visit her website at jesslynmarie.com for more info.

IMAGE BY ADRIAN VIA UNSPLASH

My mother once told me an apt analogy that grief can feel like a massive boulder you have to carry.

It’s heavy, rough, and awkward— impossible to balance and crushing in its sheer weight. But, over time, the edges smooth, it gets worn down, and it becomes easier to bear. Eventually, it erodes into a polished stone that fits comfortably in your pocket. You will always carry it with you but, instead of a seemingly impossible burden, you barely notice, save for the moments when

you reach your hand in to trace all of the familiar edges with your fingertips. It will never subside entirely, rather mold itself from a source of anguish and suffering into a well of comfort and fond memories. I very much look forward to that day.

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| VIGNETTE

Cast and Blast

IMAGE BY MATHIAS REDING

BY CHLOE NOSTRANT

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love is love a giveaway with Elope Montana

BY SARAH HARDING IMAGES BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

“Here is calm so deep, grasses cease waving… Wonderful how completely everything in wild nature fits into us, as if truly part and parent of us. The sun shines not on us but in us.

The rivers flow not past, but through us, thrilling, tingling, vibrating every fiber and cell of the substance of our bodies, making them glide and sing.

The trees wave and the flowers bloom in our bodies as well as our souls, and every bird song, wind song, and; tremendous storm song of the rocks in the heart of the mountains is our song, our very own, and sings our love.”

— John Muir, “Mountain Thoughts” mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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ike so many modern couples, Bobbi and Marrissa met online.

Marrissa knew Bobbi was the one the first time they met face to face. It took her days to catch her breath.

They held the stone as they said their vows and accepted that the making of their marriage is in their hands. Their vows have been set in stone.

Giving as coping: Inspired during the excruciating wait to see who would be our next president, the uncertainty in the week after RBG’s seat was filled, and because human rights are essential to who we are, Elope Montana decided to give away an LGBTQ elopement ceremony.

We transformed the large greenhouse that I used to grow cut flowers in into a stylish and inviting space with the help of friends, neighbors, husband John, and nephew Landry. Back in September, we had cleared the spent plant material, raked the soil smooth, and laid down sod. My nephew Landry constructed the arches and helped me give the walls and ceiling the Clark Griswold treatment. The day before Bobbi and Marrissa’s big day, Kate Berry, Megan Crawford, and I hauled rugs, furniture, vintage awesomeness, and dried flowers down to set up our Vanity Faireesque photo lounge. The opaque roof and walls of the greenhouse provide diffused light— a photographer’s dream, and a sanctuary from cold rain and wind.

The Love is Love Giveaway was fueled by concerns that the Supreme court would take away LGBTQ people’s right to marry. So many times in our lives, there’s not much we can do to really help our fellow humans. In this instance, we at Elope Montana saw an opportunity for action.

Love is Love Giveaway winners Marrissa and Bobbi incorporated an oathing stone into their marriage ceremony. They picked up the heartshaped rock on the hike Marrissa proposed on— just after these two decided, for sure, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together.

…

Many happy tears and heartfelt words christened the ceremony space. Even on a dark and rainy day, inside, we were all smiles and sunshine.

“Today, you are embarking on the longest camping trip… the adventure of marriage. A lifelong sleepover with your best friend, complete with all the peaks and valleys and heart-healing beauty of a great hike. The peaks are the good times: hard-earned, savored, and celebrated. The valleys are life’s inevitable struggles: endured, shared, and overcome. Sometimes you’ll just be putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes you’ll fall.

You’ll have each other: to lean on when you get weary, to encourage, saying we’ve got this and you’re awesome, and to help each other back up when you stumble.

Enduring the difficult, steep and arduous sections seems a little easier because you are persevering together. When you summit the peaks, the clouds clear, and the challenges are behind you— you can see how strong you are as a team. When you swim in the glacial lakes, reveling in your successes together, your happiness is doubled because it is shared.

Like a great hike, a great marriage makes you feel fortunate for the journey and grateful you have a fun, loving, and supportive partner to share it with.”

contributors SARAH HARDING, CELEBRANT MEGAN CRAWFORD, MONTANA WOMAN LINDSEY GARDNER, LINDSEY JANE PHOTOGRAPHY KATE BERRY, JOYFUL MATRIMONY JESSICA SAXTEN, PHENIX PAM GERWE, PURPLE FROG GARDENS BECKY HORNING, GL ACIER RIM HATS BETH DIX, DELECTABLE DESSERTS

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IMAGE BY LINDSEY GARDNER

a ceremony as unique as your love.

SARAH HARDING humanist celebrant

celebrantsarah.com part of the elopemontana.com collaboration

LIFE |

mothering & exhaustion in the time of COVID-19

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On

Tuesday of this week, my husband and I made our way to the hospital for my midway ultrasound. At 18.5 weeks, we were scheduled to ensure the anatomy of our child was physically sound.

Like all the appointments during my pregnancy, I entered the hospital through one of the only open entrances, met by personnel with no-touch thermometers, a list of questions, and a colorcoded sticker showing the date we were granted access to the hospital. Wearing our own masks, we wove our way through eerie hallways, making the trek to the Women’s Health Specialists stepping over giant stickers reminding us to stay 6 feet apart.

Due to covid-19 restrictions, this was my husband’s first time at an appointment with me and he sat uncomfortably on the bench in the waiting room next to me, fiddling with his mask until we were called back. The nurse acting as the ultrasound tech took her time, noting each object shown on the tv screen on the wall across from us, the anxiety in my chest slowly unraveling like the knot of a necklace chain, picked at delicately and wiggled free. I breathed deeper than I have in a long time as she wiped the gel from my stomach and her eyes crinkled in a smile above her mask.

The health care workers who have helped me navigate this pregnancy have all been kind, professional, caring, and damn good humans.

They have validated my atrocious morning sickness (that was an all-day stomach flu-like sickness for 4+ months). They listened to my covid-19 concerns and helped provide me with resources and advice. But, no matter how capable and caring those professionals are, it’s simply a terrifying time to be a pregnant woman and a horribly difficult time to be a mother.

When will my son get pulled to remote learning? How will I balance teaching my university courses remotely while also helping him with his remote learning? How many more emails from the school district will I hold my breath before reading? How many loads of laundry will I complete with his small fabric masks? How do I keep my son engaged when there are no birthday parties, playdates, activities, afterschool programs, or camps to give mothers a damn break? How do I maintain healthy social relationships while following CDC guidelines for covid-19?

How do I keep myself and my pregnancy healthy with the looming threat of this virus and the uncertain effects of it on pregnant women? How do I take care of myself ? And how do I keep mothering?

How do I take care of myself ?

And how do I keep mothering?

After, we sat holding hands, waiting to hear the confirmation from a doctor on a telehealth tower screen to tell us that everything on the scans appeared healthy and that our baby was on track.

The doctor congratulated us, the screen chimed, went black, and the tower told us to “Please plug in to nearest power source.”

Being a parent to our 6-year-old son in the midst of this pandemic while he started Kindergarten was a task. Starting my job as a university instructor in the midst of this pandemic was one hell of a learning curve. Being a first-time pregnant mother in the midst of this pandemic was a monumental effort.

Each week, I felt the stress of my job, my son, my sickness and weight loss with this pregnancy when I was supposed to be gaining, the sadness and mourning of not getting to see family and friends who I so desperately wanted to interact with and experience this pregnancy with, the tensions surrounding politics and uncertain futures, the…everything.

My husband is supportive and loving, giving me space when I need it, bringing me whatever liquids I feel I can keep down to stay hydrated, picking up all parenting-dinner-bedtime duties when I am in bed nauseous with my head spinning. But, each day, I wake up more exhausted than the day before, reminding my son to pull the mask over his nose before walking out the door, and sit mon tan awoman .com | jan uar y/f eb r uar y 2 02 1

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down to answer emails from stressed-out college students uncertain of their futures, sipping tea to keep my nausea at bay. And I’m tired.

Mothering has always been hard. And mothers have never received the credit they deserve. We know from various studies that women (particularly mothers) have been disproportionately affected by the covid-19 pandemic. Our jobs and our parenting are even more difficult now. And some days, our responsibilities really, really suck. Some days, we need to cry in the shower, take a drive for “errands” which really means we’re sitting alone in a car wash, listening to Beyonce and drinking a coffee that we treated ourselves with. Some days we need to just sit and stare at a wall without being interrupted for 15 minutes. And, damnit, it’s okay to not be okay right now.

We are the Mothers in the time of covid. We are tired as hell. And we’re not okay.

But, in time, I think we will be.

KELSEY MERRITT lives in Belgrade with her husband and son, where they play scoop ball frequently and yell at their dogs for eating the lawn. She is a photography instructor at MSU and is learning to be kind to herself as a mother.

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LIFE |

Beginning Again An

author, Pam Houston, spoke to our group during an online writing class hosted by the FreeFlow Institute, and she said words that resonated deeply and made an imprint on my heart: “the sweetest things die.” The dichotomy between life and death felt inevitable in her words. I can make peace knowing that I’ll never arrive in a place of absolute fulfillment, but what feels harder is trusting that all good things that I love will eventually go back to the ground, back to the earth, back to a beginning I will not be a part of.

It’s like the yellow color that the aspens change to for a few glorious weeks when Montana sees a true fall season. There is beautiful gold, and then the leaves fall, and they become part of the land once again. Gray and white, and then winter arrives. The trees stand tall, bare, against the elements, no matter what comes. No matter what comes. This is the pattern of seasons and change. This is the way of things.

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IMAGE BY ANNIE SPRATT

BY MORGAN GEMAY MARKS

As a writer, I should be able to express my emotions in words, and yet, emotions are feelings that I trust I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to explain and flush out. How can I explain the weight of knowing home in the eyes of another person even after great loss and the grief that comes from such loss?

Truth cannot be just one thing. Truth is filled with many things, many stories, all existing at once. The way that I feel so close to him and at the same time, so far away, when we speak about our individual fears and also our shared want to stay together. We can both feel fear and still choose to stay and show up for one another. His eyes hold this magic, this unknown, and my attachment to him is so strong because of the stories I hold about this man’s eyes. The meaning I attribute to his actions is heavy with hope because he is the action in love, and I am the words.

what you’ve heard women say many times over?

I mean it, though.

This time, the bonds between us are stronger and my trust is firmer. Not in him, but in myself.

I am more sure because I’ve walked paths before that taught me what I know now. His eyes make me want to trust myself again. Believe again.

Love again. Because of his eyes, I choose to begin again.

Love is magic and it is also fear. It is hope and doubt. I often exist in the gray space between.

The light and the dark. It’s the gray that I find as a safe place to start over and begin again. To live a life I consider full and try to know all the things. To get uncomfortable with all that I have yet to know. We can never truly know. Not really. So, we trust and we choose trusting even after brokenness and time taken spent piecing back together fragmented pieces of ourselves like a grand puzzle where the last piece has gone missing.

Over and over again, I begin once more, always losing a piece of the puzzle, and always choosing to believe the puzzle can be completed still.

the trees stand tall, bare, against the elements, no matter what comes

The thought of losing him sent me spiraling a few weeks ago. Walking a few blocks through the development of rows of homes and to the open land on the edge of suburbia, my destination was the river, still running. In freezing temperatures, with the sun setting faster than I remembered in winter time, I stood overlooking the river and considered if relief could be found by entering the water and allowing the mighty Missouri to steal my breath.

She heard me ask what her depths felt like, and I heard her speak. My depths are ever moving, child, ever flowing, ever changing, and it’s not your time, no, it’s not your time yet, so you go on and learn the lessons and seek answers from the land, and the sky, and the fox, and the elk, and the deer, and you ask them how, because all the creatures will teach you, and then years from now, you come back to me and ask me once again what my depths feel like, and I’ll invite you to swim.

As a writer, I should be able to express how I feel about his eyes. How I thought I knew the meaning of home in many men before him, and how I wasn’t wrong before because they each offered a slice of home but never the full pie.

I am sure that this time is different. Isn’t that

MORGAN GEMAY MARKS is a poet, writer, angler, hunter, side hustle consultant (copywriting, social media, editing, greeting card creator), nonprofit worker, and Montana transplant, currently living in Helena. She grew up in Pennsylvania and, thanks to an AmeriCorps program, moved to Montana to serve on a trail crew in 2008. Montana has been home ever since, with the exception of a few stints living abroad in Australia when she served as a Rotary International Peace Fellow studying conflict and peace, and Zambia when she served with the United States Peace Corps. Localized peacebuilding work and writing human interest stories that allow for connection between people are passions of hers. Find her poetry and art on Instagram at @ morgan_gemay_marks_writer and connect with her via her website at morgangemaymarks.com

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THIS COULD BE YOU!

backcountry weddings for the WILDLY in love

For soon-to-be-married couples who feel constrained by the trappings of a traditional wedding, an adventure elopement is the next best thing you never knew existed. From sunrise mountain top summits and helicopter rides on glaciers to casual strolls through the woods and chill days on the lake, we’ll work together to craft a wedding day that truly speaks to your soul and incorporates what you love most — the outdoors and each other.

YOU LIKE TO THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX …

WHY SHOULD YOUR WEDDING DAY BE ANY DIFFERENT?

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www.jesslynmarie.com

info@jesslynmarie.com

LIFE |

BY NICOLE DUNN

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IMAGE BY HATHAM

S TA R T I N G SMALL TO WORK BIG

A

nnually since 2014, I’ve been venturing to a place called Deer Park Monastery in southern California, which is rooted in the mindfulness tradition of Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. It is from here that I am right now crafting this article.

a new beginning each and every day. Perhaps you can try your hand at coming up with a verse that fits for you. (And if you do, I would dearly enjoy hearing what you came up with. You can email me directly at BeHereNowCommunity@ yahoo.com).

I’ve been prioritizing coming here on personal retreat for 2-4 weeks at a time each year (and this time for 3-months) in order to deeply water and fortify the root system of the seeds of my mindfulness practice.

When I come here, I come to nourish myself and to reaffirm my grounding. I approach this time on retreat as one might approach the dawn of a fresh new year— in the spirit of beginning anew.

When we only regard life’s bigger moments as what constitutes a new beginning (i.e., moving, getting married, starting or finishing college, having a baby, starting a new year or a new job, going on a big trip), we miss all of the smaller everyday encounters that can also serve as an opportunity for us to begin anew. If we feel cranky or irritable or stressed out, we can pause, take a beat, come back to our breathing and our body and start anew. If we are worn out, depleted, and exhausted, we can listen to our body’s need for self-care and prioritize resting so that we can start anew. I am now reminded of a meme I came across a couple of years ago: Learn to rest, not quit.

Each and every day presents a ripe chance for us to have a new beginning.

Of course, we need not be confronted with a new year or an at-length retreat stay in order to venture out into the open waters of renewal. Each and every day presents a ripe chance for us to have a new beginning.

One of my aliases is The Make It Happen Captain, and I quite enjoy this nickname. As I am a big proponent—and practitioner— of starting small to work big, here is a little thing I do each morning to help me prepare the groundwork on which to build my day upon.

Every morning, directly when I wake up, I say this following verse inwardly to myself: Waking up, I smile to my body in gratitude; I will make the conscious choice to take good and loving care of myself today.

This is my newest iteration, as I often like to change up the wording so that I am not tempted to just set myself on autopilot and recite the words without actually connecting with what it is I’m saying. It’s worth noting that actually smiling is an important part of my wake up verse. It doesn’t have to be a big beaming teeth-showing smile, just a soft up-curve will do. Creating and reciting daily a wake up verse is my Make It Happen Captain way of setting my intention to cultivate

Prioritizing self-care— especially in the forms of getting a proper amount of sleep, eating a wellbalanced diet, getting enough movement, and guarding what I bring in to my consciousness through media and entertainment— is the best way I have found to ensure that I set myself up optimally for being able to greet and meet each new day as it unfolds.

As we enter 2021, one day at a time, let’s start small to work big when it comes to living the life we most want to lead. Let’s nourish, rest, play, and strengthen our relationships so that we can have the necessary fuel to cultivate new beginnings as a way of living and loving each and every day.

NICOLE DUNN a Missoula based writer, spoken word artist, poet, ordained member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing, and program director of Be Here Now, a weekly mindfulness & meditation group she founded in 2002. For more info: InMindfulMotion.com

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4 Resolutions TO HELP MANIFEST A HEALTHY & PURPOSE-FILLED 2021

BY MINDY COCHRAN | LEVITATION NATION

As a health and fitness coach, I love the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions. Even though I commit to the same resolutions year after year, I do so shamelessly because I know that the path to health comes from recommitting again and again. Want to join me and the millions of others using the New Year as a catalyst for re-commitment? Feel free to take my resolutions as your own and modify to fit your needs: 1. I RESOLVE TO REST. It may surprise you to see “rest” instead of “exercise” first on the resolution list of a fitness coach, but the reality is that getting quality sleep is the single most important thing a person can do for their health.

For one thing, as far as physical fitness goes, it’s during rest when strength-building occurs. Read that again. Yup, it’s true. Let’s break it down: during exercise, micro-tears are created in the muscle. This is good because the muscle fiber that grows to repair the tear makes the muscle bigger and stronger. However, without the rest phase, you are just continually tearing down the muscle, not giving it a chance to repair, and are therefore missing a crucial part of the strengthbuilding process.

Sleep is also essential for mental well-being because it helps improve concentration, memory, and mood. Besides, since nearly everyone comes out of the holiday season unrested and wiped out, I would argue that it is an unreal expectation to think anyone is going to wake up on January 1st ready to embrace a new exercise routine. So, take a few rest days after the holiday, and continue to revisit rest days throughout the year, guilt-free.

2. I RESOLVE TO REJUVENATE. We often see “rest and rejuvenate” listed together, but these are very different things worthy of listing separately. Sure, sometimes I rejuvenate by resting; but more often, rejuvenation emerges through 86

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doing something that feeds my soul. For me, this means snowboarding in the winter and hiking in the summer. Whatever it is for you, carving out self-nourishing “me-time” at least once per week will lead the path to a more purpose-filled and engaged life in the new year.

3. I RESOLVE TO MOVE MY BODY OUT OF LOVE. As a fitness coach, I am passionate about exercise because I know that movement is medicine. Exercise activates endorphins (chemicals in the brain that make you happier), so you have to show up to find your happiest, healthiest, and best self. I also know that energy begets energy. In other words: putting energy into your workouts will result in more sustained energy to help you thrive in all areas of your life.

So, I move my body as often as possible. However, I am crystal clear that exercise should never be a punishment for what I ate or my weight on the scale; because I know that moving my body out of love creates enrichments in my life that transcend fitness.

What helped me learn to move my body out of love was simply finding an exercise modality that I loved, which started when I took a Zumba© class for the first time. I was hooked, and I wanted more exercise that felt like playtime. So, I started practicing aerial arts (aerial silks, aerial hoop, and pole fitness), and, eventually, I opened an aerial

MINDY COCHRAN | LEVITATION NATION

KELSIE GRIPENTROG | LEVITATION NATION

KARMEN BROWN | LEVITATION NATION

fitness studio in Kalispell, Montana. Women now have access to aerial fitness in most of the larger cities across Montana; so, if aerial fitness is of interest to you, I encourage you to check out the options near you.

Whatever exercise you choose, finding one that you love will work magic into your commitments to your workouts and is guaranteed to awaken a self-love within.

4. I RESOLVE TO NOURISH MY BODY WITH REAL FOOD. Sure, it can be a real challenge to stay away from nutritionally void, processed foods in this day age. Fortunately, I have a solution: the actionable route that helps me is setting aside a day for food prep each week. I wash and cut fruits and veggies, make a soup, and cook chicken in the crockpot nearly every Sunday.

Adopting a food prep day will not only improve the quality of the food you are putting into your body, but it will also deepen your connection to more intentional living in 2021.

Also, on the topic of nourishing the body with real food, I will say that I cut alcohol out of my life nearly eleven years ago, and it has been a game-changer for living a healthy and purposefilled life in so many ways: • Calories from alcohol = vanished.

• Calories from bingeing on food while drunk on 88

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alcohol = disappeared.

• Life goals achieved while not in bed sleeping off a hangover = skyrocketed.

I’m not saying you have to follow my all-ornothing approach to drinking. If a glass of wine once in a while nourishes you as part of the “enjoyment of the human experience” kindof-way, you do you! But make a point to drink mindfully to enhance the enjoyment factor as well as circumvent accidentally slamming down three margaritas before dinner time.

After all of the uncertainty and turmoil we saw in 2020, I know that women across Montana are ready to rise up and courageously embrace the new opportunities that await in 2021. This year is our year to manifest and fully embrace the possibilities of a purpose-filled life with a healthy mind and body. Happy New Year and Best Wishes.

MINDY COCHRAN is the founder of Kalispell’s Levitation Nation Aerial Studio, where the catchphrase “fitness is fun” is embodied alongside a culture of movement & women empowerment. Mindy believes that “The Real Levitation Experience” lies within elevating your health & wellness. Mindy loves to share the expertise she has acquired through her certifications as a personal trainer and life coach.

For more about Mindy or Levitation Nation, please visit www.levitationnation.org.

SINCE OCTOBER 2019, MONTANA WOMAN HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, AN OPEN PLATFORM. THIS IS A PUBLICATION FOR THE REAL, COME-AS-YOU-ARE MONTANA. THE UNDERCURRENTS, THE CHANGE-MAKERS, THE RISK-TAKERS, THE MOVERS & SHAKERS.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO HAVE A SEAT AT THE TABLE. NO MATTER YOUR AGE, YOUR RACE, YOUR HOMETOWN, YOUR IDENTITY— YOU ARE WELCOME HERE.

MONTANA IS FOR ALL OF US, FOR EVERYONE. WHETHER YOU WERE BORN & RAISED HERE, YOU MOVED HERE, YOU VISITED, OR YOU DREAM OF VISITING.

WE CREATE A PUBLICATION THAT’S WORTH READING BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE STORIES WORTH TELLING.

WELCOME TO THE TABLE.

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FINDING YOUR

primary care provider PROVIDED BY KALISPELL REGIONAL HEALTHCARE

Wellness is defined as a life-long, actively pursued goal to be in a state of good health. Living in Montana, your approach to wellness may look like adventuring in Glacier National Park, eating greens from a local farm, or connecting with your neighbors. A wellness routine is built of practices that support your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing— personalized to help you achieve your health goals.

Building a long-term relationship with a primary care provider gives you a partner in creating a comprehensive wellness plan that works for you.

A primary care provider helps track health changes with accuracy, ensuring you receive the screenings and follow up care that you need at every stage of life. Whether you need help managing stress from work, starting a family with

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the love of your life, repairing broken bones from an adventure mishap, or investigating a newly detected lump, your primary care provider will be there to get you the care you need.

Kalispell Regional Healthcare has nearly 100 primary care providers that practice all over northwest Montana. “Finding a provider that you are able to build a trusting, ongoing relationship with is key,” says Adam Smith, D.O. “You should feel comfortable discussing all aspects of your health so that we are able to help meet your needs.” Dr. Smith is the Physician Executive of Primary Care Service Line and also provides direct patient care at Polson Health.

Learn more about our clinics, providers, and services at KRH.org/ToYourHealth

Adam Smith, DO family medicine doctor and physician leader at KRH

HELP US STOP THE SURGE The decisions we make every day have the power to make a difference in this pandemic.

“Testing for COVID-19 can prevent the spread of the virus by identifying positive persons, reducing the risk of infecting others and allowing them to seek treatment earlier—which can reduce the severity of the disease.” – Dr. Smith

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you + montana woman we look pretty great together.

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Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

And surely you'll buy your pint cup! and surely I'll buy mine!

And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

We two have run about the hills, and picked the daisies fine; But we've wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine; But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty friend!

And give me a hand o' thine!

And we'll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne.

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