WOULD YOUR PASS THE MARRIAGE TEST?

Would You Pass “The Marriage Test”?

A couple shares the 40-date challenge that prepared them to get-and stay-married

By Jennifer C. Frakes

It’s been said that you should prepare at least as much for the marriage and you do for the wedding. Planning your wedding is exciting, sometimes a little stressful. But the stakes are a lot higher when choosing a partner. Do you know as much as you can about what being married to your beloved will actually be like?

Jill Andres and Brook Silva-Braga wanted to nd that out before they took the plunge. The couple had dated for four years, broke up for a year, then reunited. The second time around, Jill moved to Washington D.C. to be with Brook. They were happy and healthier than their rst time together. But how did they know that this was really it-- that Brook and Jill 2.0 was ready for marriage?

To answer that question, the couple cowrote The Marriage Test: Our 40 Dates Before “I Do.” The dates dig into the main reasons couples don’t make it—trust, money, kids, sex, in-laws, and communication being the biggies. In their book (available on Amazon and now also in audiobook form), they each give their perspective on the 40 dates they engaged in over a year to see if they were right for each other for the long haul. It’s a brave, funny, honest account of an adventurous couple that obviously loves each other. Even so, they still surprise each other along the way, in both delightful and dif cult ways.

The dates run the gamut: borrowing a friend’s baby for 24 hours, swapping phones for a week with full access, and sending an email to 30 of their closest friends asking what they think of the couples’ relationship.

“These dates forced us to discuss things in concrete terms that we would otherwise avoid talking about,” Brook said. They fully disclosed their nances, talked about what role religion would play in their future children’s lives, asked those already married into the families what the in-laws were really like, and even got into living wills and end-of-life decisions.

But the dates aren’t all serious-Date #28 is “Your Ideal Day,” planning what you think would be a perfect day for your partner. “It was kind of the fundamental test of any relationshipto understand what makes the other person happy,” Brook said. The grati cation of knowing and executing your signi cant other’s favorite things and ways to spend time most likely will end up in a great day for both of you.

Many of these dates are good for long-married couples to try, and Your Ideal Day is one that Amy Cavato would love to do. “After 20 years of marriage, it would be great to plan an ideal day for each other,” Cavato said. “I feel like we know what matters most to each other and could plan an amazing day. We just don’t take the time to do things like this-often prioritizing the kids, work, other family obligations or errands. I feel like I would plan a day that my husband would love and he would do the same for me. It would be wonderful to put the type of focus on and thoughtfulness into planning a day for each other.”

Spoiler: Brook made Jill’s day not only ideal, but unforgettable by proposing to her in Central Park, in a perfectly-timed and incredibly sweet way (that you should get the book to hear more about). They persevered after

getting engaged, though, all the way through Date #40, which also took them through the excitement and trials of wedding planning. “Instead of testing compatibility, the remaining dates became a chance to strengthen our relationship and work out any remaining kinks before the ‘I do’s,’ Jill said.

There are several other dates that are worthwhile for all couples to try, even long after you’ve walked down the aisle. Jill suggests three dates that would be especially useful to couples post-wedding. “Date number nine is ‘Timeline,’ when we de ned our hopes, and separately mapped out the next several years of life milestones. We then talked about them to see if we were on the same page,” Jill said. It was an eye-opener for both Jill and Brook, as they discussed when to have (two) kids, buy a house and live abroad. They wanted the same things, but this date gave them the opportunity to get really speci c about the when. “It’s easy to make assumptions that our partner is thinking the same things we are,” Jill said. “It’s a good idea to check-in with this ‘Timeline’ date every few years.”

Date #16 is “In-Law Pen Pals,” when every day for two weeks, Brook and Jill aimed to e-mail someone in each other’s family. “The idea was to get to know our potential in-laws better. Since we lived so far apart, e-mails and texts were the most realistic way to do that,” said Brook. Jill was already communicating pretty regularly with Brook’s family, so this was a motivator for Brook to starting doing that, too. It didn’t come as naturally to Brook, but it’s likely Jill’s family appreciated the effort. It’s a low-pressure way to try to connect with your spouse’s family on a somewhat regular basis, and may spark more rapport and conversation when you see them face-to-face.

The third date that would be bene cial to all couples, no matter what stage of your relationship, is Date #23, “Play it Back.” This date required the couple to videotape an argument between them and later watch it to see how they communicated during the ght. It sounds potentially awful, but Jill and Brook learned a lot. Jill said, “It was shocking how unequal the conversation was. I easily said ten words for every one of his.” And Brook noticed: “We both treated each other like morons. It was easier to see when you could pause and rewind. If we could learn to identify the pattern and stop it before it went too far, maybe then things wouldn’t get so messy.”

Looking back on the early days of their marriage, Amy Cavato thinks Date #22, “It’s a Chore” would have been very helpful to she and her husband. On this date, Brook and Jill had a sit-down in their less-than-pristine apartment to talk about how to clean it. They each had notes about their housework expectations and their division of labor. It got a little tense, with a lot of “I do-morethan-you-do” back and forth, but eventually led to a frank discussion about expressing what they wanted and managing their home.

“This date about chores would have been very helpful early on in our marriage,” Cavato said. “There have been many times when I thought: ‘Why doesn’t he move or clean or pick that up already?’ At times, I thought he was purposely leaving messes for me to clean up. Like it was some sort of standoff. At one point, several years into our marriage, I asked my husband: ‘Doesn’t this mess drive you crazy?’ He said that our house was actually the cleanest house he’d ever lived in. He grew up in a very large family and then lived in a college house with a bunch of dudes, so it actually seemed pretty clean to him. He didn’t even notice. That was so eye-opening to me. I realized that we had completely different perspectives on the same pile of shoes or stack of baseball hats. More importantly, I realized that he was not ignoring the mess or expecting me to clean it all up. Identifying the problem areas and communicating about them early on would have been very helpful in those early days.”

Jill and Brook have heard from many couples who’ve shared their experiences of the dates they’ve attempted from the 40 in the book. “What has surprised me is that many couples have tried the money challenges,” Jill said. “Those dates can be scary, but I think people recognize the value in them, and give them a try.”

One of the money dates is Date #5, “Budget Crunch,” in which Brook and Jill, who were living together, aimed to cut their spending in half for one month. To gure out how much was half of their spending, rst they had to determine where all of their money was going. “I was shocked how much went to things like booze and dinners out,” Jill said. When money got tight by the end of the month and they were supposed to BYOB to a party, Brook resorted to lling up a half-full bottle of vodka with water. Their friends later commented on the vodka’s nice, mellow taste and it ended up being a funny moment for the couple.

Nikki Klapp, married ve years, thinks “Budget Crunch” would de nitely be worth a try. Klapp said, “It would be interesting to see: What can we really do without? Would it be the same things for both of us?” As a divorce lawyer, she strongly advises trying some of the dates in the Money category.

Another date Klapp was intrigued by, but thought would be dif cult was Date# 25, “Blackout by Design,” which challenges you to no phones, television, computers, stereos, e-readers or iPods for one week, from 6 pm to 7 am (all times except daytime work hours). But often the harder it is, the more you will get out of it. That was true for Brook. “Where other dates had payoff later, this date was instantly rewarding,” Brook said. “You connect so much better with the person in the same room as you with no electronics. During the whole Marriage Test, I don’t think we’d done another activity more personally worthwhile than this one.”

It took a year for Jill and Brook to complete all 40 dates, but they suggest a “Dater’s Decathalon” if doing them all sounds daunting. You and your beloved could try a date from each of the ten categories or focus on one category exclusively, if that’s the area you are most concerned about. “We designed The Marriage Test to be easily accessible to any couple, so most of the dates cost next to nothing and can be done in or near your home,” Brook and Jill said. “The point is to really live whatever you’re trying to learn about.”

Jill says The Marriage Test was the single biggest personal project she’s ever done, and the stakes were so high. But again, high stakes can bring big rewards. “We had come out the other side as a different couple than when we started. We were the Jill and Brook who had proved they trusted each other and could work together to achieve their goals, a couple who had found an honest understanding of their relationship’s problems and practiced how to overcome them.” ♥