The Casual Culture

It’s two a.m., and the redundant conversation has come up again. This isn’t the first time, and I am sure it won’t be the last. I roll over, pick up my phone, and stare numbly into the bright light. Normally, this would make me feel all sorts of butterflies, accompanied by an almost irritatingly elated smile. Now, the feeling mostly resembles a pit in my stomach. I am not smiling.

But I can do casual! I don’t need commitment, I’m too busy for that, I think as I try to convince not only him, but also myself of the words that appear one by one on the screen. A weak attempt to keep him around for another day, a week at most. The subconscious hope that casual becomes something more. It’s a culture that permeates the already confusing social structure of university, especially at Queen’s. On a campus where it is nearly impossible to make it down University without seeing a friendly face, hooking up and dating have become concepts that many struggle to agree on. Before coming to university, I used to believe dating was black and white. There was a singular purpose. The revered “boyfriend/girlfriend.” The end goal. Suddenly, my already limited knowledge of relationships was questioned. People hooked up. They saw each other, and other people. They kept things casual. A concept very unfamiliar and difficult for me to embrace. It intrigued me. The idea that you could be extremely vulnerable and intimate with someone one day, only to give them a quick wave the next.

And for a large portion of my peers, this works. Being part of the casual culture satisfies their needs in a healthy and consensual way. I am in no way criticizing those who navigate their relationships on this spectrum; conversely, I have a lot of respect for these individuals. I think it is empowering to know who you are and what you want. To be able to convey that and find someone who can reciprocate those desires, just as one would in a relationship.

But on a campus where commitment seems to evade me, and more people fall along the casual spectrum, where do I fit in? I tried to make the jump, to convince myself that I, too, could be a part of this culture. But I was lying—to myself and to him, and in a similar way he was lying to me too. He was never going to commit, regardless of how long we kept our casual encounters up, and I wasn’t ever truly going to be content without the reassurance of a solid relationship.

We both knew what we wanted, and I have learned that that is completely okay. It is okay to want nothing more or nothing less than exactly what you want. There isn’t any shame in falling on either side of the spectrum, whether it’s full blown commitment or as casual as you can get. I have discovered that it is only important to stay true to what makes you fulfilled. That you fill your life with relationships that are healthy and enjoyable and exactly what you need. So to all those out there trying to change themselves to mirror the wants of someone else, you don’t have to. Step back, re-evaluate what makes your heart happy, what makes you wake up and feel like you are exactly where you need to be, and choose that. University is a wild, incredible, confusing time, and a huge part of that is learning, growing and becoming authentically you.

So love yourself, love other people. Hey, love whoever you want, whenever you want, however you want. And just know that whatever you decide is completely valid, and no amount of roof top chats under the stars, or Pillsbury cookies should ever change that.

Photography by Kerenza Yuen