Normalizing a Normal Thing

University is not easy. Fun, yes. Easy, not so much. There’s something about transitioning into a fully functioning adult without parental supervision, while also trying to navigate a heavily toxic drinking environment that proves to be more difficult than expected. These same difficulties are amplified when you struggle to fit into the socially constructed box of what it means to be a man. I lived in a house of six guys during my upper years at Queen’s, and the amount of times we opened up to one another about mental health, body image, and sexuality could be counted on one hand.

I had the opportunity to interview two very successful men to pick their brain about their personal struggles with masculinity. These men are by no means perfect, but they’re honest. While their experiences will never reflect the experiences of every male-identifying person, they have faced their demons with bravery and flourished in personal endeavours, all while being the man they want to be. Darrean Baga is a fifth-year Global Development student who has been heavily involved in the Queen’s community since his first year. He served as ASUS President in the 2016- 2017 school year and is now returning to his creative roots as the Head Manager at Studio Q. Darrean is from Scarborough and identifies as gay, and neither trait should prove him unfit for the mould of “man.” Unfortunately for the latter, it does. Baga explains that, for him, opening up was never easy.

“Part of me felt liberated, but at the same time still worried about being judged. I guess that never really goes away, because a part of you holds on to the shame you were taught to feel. But it will never go away if you don’t come to terms with those emotions.”

Feeling shame is a common theme amongst most men who struggle with coming out. However, as Darrean mentioned, those feelings don’t go away until you confront them, which isn’t necessarily when you come out. While he definitely struggled with it, Darrean has come to terms with what masculinity means to him.

“Being sure of yourself and really knowing yourself inside out—no one really does—but to a degree where you can be confident and express yourself for who you are instead of being constrained by these socially constructed boxes. That’s what I think masculinity should be about.” It seems as though being a man has become more defined by finding confidence in the things you enjoy doing, and less about the person you are.

Mike Young is a Queen’s Alumnus who served as the rector from 2014-2016. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting Mike, you’d know of his infectious aura. Surely, someone who carries himself so optimistically has always had this confidence, right? Wrong. For Mike, the way he viewed himself wasn’t always positive. In grade six, he faced some serious body image struggles. Constant weight gain limited his ability to participate in the sports he had previously thrived in. His body became something he wasn’t fond of, and going through his teens only amplified his problems.

“As a kid going through puberty and starting to feel attracted to other people for the first confusing time, it was a difficult time to come to terms with how attractive I didn’t feel as a result of what I was going through.”

Fast-forward a few years, Mike will crack a few jokes about younger him, but won’t ignore the very real feelings he felt at a younger age. When asked what he wants for men in regard to body image, Mike said, “I want people, and men in particular, to work with one another to breakdown the body image ideals that we’ve collectively reinforced. I [also] want to put out a call to other male-identified folks to model and encourage vulnerability. Share things about how you feel. Love sports, or don’t love sports. Be someone who makes every human being feel safe and celebrated.” It’s very important to note that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as someone who fits into the traditionally masculine mould and all that entails. It’s also important to note that there’s nothing wrong with being on the opposite end of that spectrum. We as people—but more importantly as men—need to stand up for those who feel like their stories are in the shadows and not worth sharing. What makes you a man isn’t who you love, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, or the car you drive. Respecting others and yourself, knowing when to stand up and when to listen, and understanding that there’s so much you don’t know—those are some of the things that make you a man.

By Adrian Caldarola | Photography by Lucy Welsh