Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Seventeen by Neil Michelsen

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 17

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f Preface I began writing in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17. That was the year my mother died with my first poem being about her death. Between 1960 and 2014 Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;ve written approximately 1,500 poems which were compiled into a series of 14 volumes. A 15th and 16th volume contains a master index and an anthology, respectively of all the poems in those 14 volumes. This volume, Volume 17, is a continuation of the above mentioned series representing 97 poems written in 2015. I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to free verse. The poems include my observations, personal feelings, experiences, and family and personal stories. The poems herein are presented in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me. I apologize if any offense is taken with anything Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. Touché 2. It‟s The Only Thing I Have 3. He Wasn‟t A Complainer 4. The Orphanage 5. “Until The Next Time” 6. Holiday Love 7. Disowned 8. “Your Mother‟s Dead” 9. The Suicide Note 10. Something Just Told Me 11. Extinction Is The Rule 12. Buried Together 13. Raking Leaves 14. She Had That Power Over Me 15. More Time To Worry 16. The Longest Walk 17. That Big Waterfall Ahead 18. Solitary Confinement 19. The Log Cabin 20. Not All The Way Back 21. Ironic Appreciation 22. Feeling Like A Failure 23. Smoking Myself To Death 24. Hunchbacked 25. The Curandera 26. Mickey Mouse 27. A World Out Of Balance 28. Our Castle With A Moat 29. Not Upsetting The Gods 30. Over The Hill 31. Games Of Bravery 32. Looking For Their Cars (On Leandra And Kerry) 33. Getting What You Pay For

Pg 1 2 3 9 14 16 19 23 26 29 31 33 35 41 43 45 47 50 52 55 57 58 59 62 65 67 70 71 72 74 75 78 79

34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74.

Figments Of Our Imagination? St. Augustine And Dad Head Down One With Everything A Field Of Stars A Light Snow In Spring A Social Lesson (On Gwen) He Couldn‟t Remember The Cold My Homecoming (On The Vietnam War) The Gingerbread House (On Leandra) Missing Tom (On Tom Carroll) I Have Spoken The Horse That Threw Us A Tie Breaker A Time To Grow “This Is What Killed Your Mother” (On My Father) Just Wait And See No Feet On The Ground Old Men Did You Just Say, “Maybe”? When You‟re Ready, You‟re Ready (On Our Cancelled Wedding) My Scrape With Scientology Stepping Into The 1890s “Every Step Leads To Death” I Couldn‟t Have Done Better (On Vi) I Love The Rain Like An Old Oil Painting I Didn‟t Hear Anything Back Small Minds In Big Bodies Temptation Dieting Snap, Crackle And Pop Between Two Vanishing Points Giving Me Pause Mothers And Sons A Lesson Learned The Margins Of Error And Luck My Telltale Heart The New-Old Us (On Mom And I) “There‟s No One In 302” She Had No Reply To That

81 84 87 90 91 93 95 98 101 106 108 110 111 116 120 121 123 126 128 130 132 136 142 145 146 148 149 151 152 153 154 155 157 159 160 161 164 168 170 172 175

75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97.

Only A Virus “Will You Be My Subject” (A True Dental Story # 1) Return Winks (A True Dental Story # 2) My Cooking Channel (On Mom) Who Better? The Call Of A Blue Jay I Know What It Is To Be Young I Know What It Is To Be Young (But You Don‟t Know What It Is To Be Old) (The Song) Liberty Street A Letter From The IRS Just Down The Street (On Judy) Lobsters For Easter Dinner (On The Family) A Tale Of Two Cities The Killing Zone Waiting For Bad News (On My Children) Grandma Hackett‟s Business Advice A Good Personality Taking Turns (On Family) Going To The Philippines (On Mom) Those Bell Bottom Pants Well, Almost Anything Corny Just Another Ponzi Scheme *****

177 179 181 185 189 190 192 193 195 196 198 201 205 212 213 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 223

Poems of Neil Michelsen

y Touché. 4-25-2015 Goodbye with mixed emotions. _____ 1. When I die It will be with mixed emotions. 2. It‟ll come with both A tear in my eye And a wry smile on my face. 3. It‟ll be a mixed blessing And a blessing in disguise. 4. While I‟ll sadly have to say good bye To my loved ones I‟ll also be saying goodbye To all my aches and pains. 5. A tear in one eye Will be offset By a wink in the other one − “Touché.” *****

It’s The Only Thing I Have 7-1-2015 On the death of a loved one. _____ 1. I was so much looking forward To growing old with him And spending our final years together. He was my life And my everything. 2. But then he died early on me And left me all alone. 3. The pain of my days without him Is heartbreaking. And at night It‟s worse. 4. But I don‟t complain About the pain of his loss For now It‟s all that I have left of him. *****

He Wasn’t A Complainer 1-22-2015 Remembering when I looked into the basement window of Mr. (Bud) Cambria, the ex-Navy (WWII) father of a Brooklyn neighborhood girlfriend of mine, Dorothy Anne, and seeing him in his arm chair. _____ 1. He turned 80 last week Feeling lucky that he was still around − But then, maybe not so lucky For it was hard for him to get around now And money was tight Forcing him to economize on his food and heat. And with his wife of 40 years Having passed away 10 years before And his children Having moved away to raise their families He was now alone. The golden years weren‟t so golden − But he wasn‟t a complainer. 2. He spent most of his time In a small room in the basement In his favorite overstuffed chair On whose arms he had placed dish towels To cover the stains and worn out fabric.

3. And that‟s also where he had his TV, books And his shortwave radio That he loved to listen to Late at night. 4. It was a dark, confining and overcrowded room − There in the basement − With the exposed steam pipes running overhead And only that one undersized window for day light That was eye level with alley And where he would occasionally see the feet Of his next door neighbors when they walked by – But he wasn‟t a complainer. 5. He kept his medals there too – There in the basement − The ones he received during the war Which he‟d take out and look at now and again And remember all of his buddies Who hadn‟t made it back. 6. That‟s also where he stored his family photo albums Which he often looked through in amazement At just how many years had gone by And reminisced Over how he‟d constantly be adding pictures to them Compared to now Where he hardly adds any.

7. He especially looked at the pictures Of his wife and children Feeling that if he looked at them long enough He‟d somehow be able to bring them back – That he‟d somehow wake up From this lonely dream he was having And that he‟d somehow be able to get off The dead end road he was on That brought him to this cellar. 8. Oh how he wished that his wife Hadn‟t left him And that his children Would call more often. But he wasn‟t bitter about it though Only sad − For he wasn‟t a complainer. 9. An old black rotary phone Sat on the end table next to him. It was his sole companion And his only connection to the outside world. He sometimes found himself Waiting for it to ring – For his children to call To see how he was doing And wondering if they ever thought of him And if he was that unmemorable As a father.

10. He also wondered at times If they realize Just how much he loved and missed them And how lonely he was. But he made excuses for them For their sake and for his sake too − For he wasn‟t a complainer 11. Each day he‟d make his meals In the kitchen upstairs on the first floor. And each day he‟d go out and get the mail Which was always only bills and junk mail And nothing personal. 12. And each evening after watching a little TV And listening to his shortwave radio He‟d slowly climb the stairs and go to bed Which was getting harder and harder to do And lately he‟d have to stop a few times to rest By hanging onto the banister Or leaning against the wall for a while.

13. Whenever he ascended those stairs He imagined with a wry smile That he was ascending the stairs to Heaven Which he knew at his age Heâ&#x20AC;&#x;d be doing one day soon. He imagined That walking up the stairs each night Was a practice run Always wondering When the real one would come. 14. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x;d amuse himself with the analogy That the basement With all its memorabilia, Represented his past And the first floor where he ate, His present And the upstairs where he slept, His waiting room for Heaven. 15. One night He felt especially weak and tired And decided not to negotiate those stairs And just stay there in his chair.

16. And that night For some reason He looked over at the phone More than he had on other nights And felt the urge to call his children But he didn‟t Figuring it was late And that he‟d do it tomorrow. 17. So, when he finished the glass of wine That he‟d been nursing He slowly and reflectively Looked around the room At everything that had been his life, Pulled a blanket up and across his chest, Reached over and turned out the light And then slowly put his head back Against the head rest. 18. And as he closed his eyes He saw himself ascending those stairs But this time, with ease. *****

y The Orphanage 10-13-2015 A threat that stayed with me. _____ 1. One time when I was a little boy My father told me That he was sending me off to the orphanage For something I‟d done. 2. I was crushed and petrified And couldn‟t think of what it was That I could I have done That was so bad As to warrant being sent to the orphanage. I was shaking with fear And felt so abandoned and worthless. Was I of so little value to him and my mother That I could be given away so easily? 3. I waited in my room upstairs − As I was told to do − And heard my father Talking into the black rotary phone That sat on a small telephone table At the bottom of the stairs.

4. My heart was pounding And I had a big lump in my throat And on the verge of crying. 5. I had always thought they loved me? But here I was Being given away to the orphanage − To that old, dark, dirty run down place That I envisioned in my mind With a tall black iron fence around it And bars on the windows And where the mean people that ran it Beat and starved you. 6. I always thought Mom and Dad loved me And wouldn‟t ever give me away But here they were As if I meant nothing to them. All the time I thought I was loved But it was all for show. 7. “Hello, is this the orphanage? This is Mr. Michelsen calling about Neil. Yes, his name is Neil Michelsen” And slowly spelled it. “When can you come and pick him up? 5 o‟clock? That‟ll be fine. OK, goodbye, and see you at 5.” Then he hung up the phone.

8. I remember thinking How matter-of-fact he sounded And how unemotional. Had I meant that little to him and Mom? 9. It was winter and dusk And with the sun almost down It was getting dark outside. My back bedroom window Faced south and the setting sun And I remember looking out of it Knowing it was going to be for the last time. I also remember how cold and dreary it looked And how representative it was Of how I was feeling. 10. I cowered in my room And sobbed while I waited. And waited. And waited â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Afraid to leave my room And look down stairs. 11. I heard the door bell ring And some muffled voices. Then I heard my fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x;s heavy footsteps Coming upstairs to get me And turn me over To the people from the orphanage.

12. When he came into my room I backed up against the window Shaking in fear and hurt. Then he said, “If you promise to be good, I won‟t send you away to the orphanage.” Although I was relieved I remember still feeling scared and depressed. 13. I didn‟t run to him and thank him But rather just stood there looking at him. He somehow looked different to me And somewhat like a stranger. 14. How could they have thought About giving me up so easily? Had I been worth that little to them? These questions still turned in my head. 15. And although I was allowed to remain at home The house Seemed very different now And one that I didn‟t feel so secure in anymore − A house Where I didn‟t feel so loved As I had before.

16. Before I had no doubts about anything And never had to think about anything so unsettling As being given away. But things were different now. My whole value system had changed Especially about my own value. 17. I couldn‟t process the meaning Of what had just happened – Both the punishment And the reprieve. I just couldn‟t process it. 18. And even with the reprieve It felt as though Nothing had actually been removed Only lifted off me − But still hanging over me In suspended animation Ready to drop Sometime time in the future. 19. Things were different now − The house, My parents, And me. Everything was so different From the way it was before. ***** 13

“Until The Next Time” 10-11-2015 Company absent but included. _____ 1. His friend had passed away a while ago But he still missed him every day. They had been friends and drinking buddies For more than 30 years. 2. They used to drink their wine together And talk about anything and everything. Oh, they‟d have their differences and arguments But it was never serious or lasted for long. 3. Since his friend‟s death He‟d often go to the same bar they used to go to And take the corner chair. Then he‟d put his coat on the chair next it To reserve it. And whenever someone asked If anyone was sitting there He‟d answer, “Yes” And that “He‟ll be right back.” Then he‟d order two glasses of wine – One for each of them.

4. And when he had About a quarter of his glass left He‟d switch the glasses Putting the full glass in front of him And the other one in front of his friend. 5. Having a drink with his long-time friend Was a better tribute to him Than visiting his grave, Or offering up a mass Or pining over things. This was a more personal And more appropriate memorial to him And one that his friend would surely appreciate the most − And what‟s more He‟d didn‟t have to drink alone. 6. And when his second glass was almost empty He‟d turn to his friend Raise his glass And say, “Until the next time.” 7. Then he‟d pick up the tab, Leave a generous tip, Put his coat on his arm And take that long walk home. *****

y Holiday Love 4-27-2015 Fleeting souvenir loves. _____ 1. She had always lived in this town And as long as she can remember It had always been a tourist town. 2. She‟d met so many men over the years When they came into town for their vacations That she couldn‟t keep count. 3. There were many local boys in town That would have been good catches for her But with so many tourists flowing through She let herself get distracted By the number and variety of them And so always wound up Putting the locals “on hold.” 4. And even if she was attracted To some of the local guys They too got distracted By the all of the women tourists And put her “on hold”.

5. With the limited amount of time That the tourists had for their vacations She‟d have to fall in love very quickly. But even so There was never enough time In the 2 weeks that they normally had For anything serious to develop. 6. And whatever was promised Over music and drinks And under the moonlight Was just bar talk. While some kept their promises to stay in touch And did so for some time afterwards It never lasted long. She was always just someone‟s Holiday or souvenir love. 7. Like gamblers She knew the odds were stacked against her But believed that she just might get lucky one time And that one of those loves would last. Also like gamblers She believed that the next pull of the slot machine Just might be the lucky one And she‟d hit the jackpot. 8. And so it was and so it went. Until she was old and all worn out.

9. So there she was this evening In her little rented room Thinking about all her holiday loves That never worked out. 10. There she was Scanning through All the love letters that she had saved And flipping through All the leaves of her photo album That she had hoped one day Would be a family album. 11. There she was Looking around a room That had no pictures on the dresser, At a phone that never rang, At her empty ring finger, And hearing the make-believe laughs Of the children she never had. 12. There she was In her little rented room On the edge of town Where the emptiness was crushing And the silence, deafening *****

y Disowned 2-15-2015 A sad ending for him and his heirs. _____ 1. His children stayed close to him All throughout his life. But then in the few years before his end When he needed their help and attention He felt that they weren‟t there for him. 2. On their part It was just a temporary thing – Just a little inadvertent glitch – Just a problem with scheduling Where they just couldn‟t get to see him In that one unsuspecting year before his death. 3. But on his part He took it very personally And felt that they had shown their true colors And shown themselves to be fair-weather children. He didn‟t fully believe that But it was a sensitive time in his life And it affected how he viewed them And their relationship.

4. They didn‟t know he was dying For he never said anything. Even he didn‟t know that his condition was that bad And whatever pain he was feeling He tried to minimize and even ignore it. 5. However unintended it was on their part Not to have visited him And however mistaken he might have been on his part About their love of him That unfortunate feeling festered And made him vulnerable to thinking That he‟d been abandoned. But it was all Just a big and ill-timed misunderstanding. 6. He remembered how he had supported them When they were young and helpless And all through their lives after that. But now when he needed them They seemed to be absent. 7. He began to suspect – Right or wrong – That they had just been playing the game For when it came to the finish line – His finish line – They fumbled the ball.

8. Right or wrong Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x;s what he felt But never said anything to them Out of pride and hurt. 9. He probably should have For it might have cleared everything up. But they just never had a clue As to what was happening inside of him To both his body and his feelings. 10. The cement had been poured And set quickly. 11. Then he died And his children truly grieved over his passing. They also regretted not having gotten to see him As much as they would have liked During that final year. But, they had no idea he was ailing As he gave no indication of it. 12. And when his children gathered In his attorneyâ&#x20AC;&#x;s office It was their turn to be hurt For when the will was read There was nothing in it for them.

13. His attorney explained That despite his advice Not to make any emotional decisions Or any drastic changes to his will He, with a heavy heart, Made them anyway. 14. It was a tragedy All the way around. 15. Oh those tragically reciprocal feelings Of being abandoned by his children on his part And being disowned by their father on their part Over what turned out to be Just a simple misunderstanding. 16. Oh how heartbreaking it was For a father To have to die with And his children To have to live with Those mutual feelings of hurt Over just a simple misunderstanding. *****

“Your Mother’s Dead” 10-7-2015 Remembering when my father told me that my mother died. _____ 1. I was 14 when my Mother started to die − When she began to be eaten alive by cancer. I watched her rot away for 3 years Until her final months At the Lennox Hill Hospital in Manhattan. 2. My father was by her side The entire time For she was his life And his everything And the day she closed her eyes He was the last thing she saw. 3. And as she closed her eyes He was looking down at her With love and a broken heart And holding her hand As if that might keep her here − If he held her hand tight enough They might not be able to take her.

4. It was late in the evening And nearly dark When he came home from the hospital. What a terribly lonely and heartbreaking ride That must have been for him. 5. I was standing at the top of the stairs That led from the alleyway up to the kitchen And saw his silhouette Through the thinly curtained side door window And heard him fumbling for his keys. Then I heard the key in the lock And the lock turning. 6. I‟m not sure what it was That brought me to the top of the stairs And wait for him. Did I sense something Like animals do? 7. Then he opened the door Put his keys back in his pocket And closed the door behind him. Then he slowly looked up at me And said, “Your Mother‟s dead.”

8. “Your mother‟s dead.” That‟s all I remember about that night – Nothing before or after. Nor do I remember crying Or feeling anything. 9. I still hear that lock turning in the door And see my father Standing at the bottom of the stairs In the shadows of that dark stairwell And looking up at me and saying, “Your Mother‟s dead.” *****

y The Suicide Note 1-25-2015 His kind of suicide note. _____ 1. He worked hard trying to finish his work So he could leave something of himself behind Before he passed away. 2. He was never comfortable Either with himself or with life in general And was always looking for when the end would come And when heâ&#x20AC;&#x;d see that big bright light That he always heard about When you die. 3. He was always disappointed With his performances in life And felt that no one thought all that much of him. His only hope therefore Was how he might be thought of after his death So it was of vital importance That he leave his collection of writings In the hope That they would redeem him as a person.

4. While he sometimes thought that even that Might not be enough for his redemption He suppressed that thought. 5. His works would be In effect His suicide note – And the one he‟d been writing all his life – The one that he‟d been planning – Metaphorically− To put in an envelope, Lick and seal, And leave on the table for someone to find. 6. He always wished for two things: That he could have found a way to enjoy life more Like all the others And to have been more respected and regarded. 7. He knew that the first wish Would never come true. But with respect to the second He thought he had at least a chance Through his writings.

8. He knew it was his fate Not to have what the others had in life In the way of Friendship, admiration, respect, love and peace of mind But that he might be able to make up for it in death Through his writings which would serve As his suicide note. 9. He hoped that his note Would be sympathetically received But there was always the chance it wouldn‟t And that he‟d be branded in death The same unremarkable way That he‟d been branded in life. 10. His suicide note Was however, his only possible chance To extricate himself From the stigma of his non-descript and unhappy life And to elevate his image to where he would finally Be understood, accepted and maybe even admired. 11. So he continued writing Racing to get everything written down That he wanted to say before his demise For what‟s a half written suicide note And one without a signature? *****

y Something Just Told Me 1-26-2015 Just a feeling, but something. _____ 1. It wasn‟t so obvious Or blatant. Nor was it clear Or direct. Nor something that came to me All at once. It wasn‟t anything like that. 2. It wasn‟t something That I could put my finger on either. Or easily explain Even remotely. 3. It was just a feeling In the pit of my stomach. It was just an empty feeling In my heart.

4. It was just a whisper in my ear And not even a full sentence But enough to tell me That her heart went into hiding And was now out of reach of me â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Something just told me. *****

y Extinction Is The Rule 11-20-2015 Inspired by a quote from Carl Sagan: _____ 1. Man is so young as a species Yet he‟s had the most profound effect On the planet In a very, very short period of time. 2. He has marched through the earth Treading on everything in his path. 3. He has reproduced like rabbits And consumed – Like a swarm of locusts − So much of the earth‟s limited resources − So much of its forests, water and minerals − And then excremented huge volumes of his waste Into the air, water and landfills.

4. He has also created frightening weapons With hair triggers That can and probably will Destroy the world one day If he doesn‟t Starve, pollute or disease himself first. 5. We have brought ourselves To the brink of possible extinction – Slow extinction Through the consumption of our food and resources And quick extinction Through the possibility of war or disease. 6. We should not be shocked By any forecasts of our extinction For extinction is more normal than not. Just like all species in the past Every specie in existence today Will become extinct Sooner or later. 7. As Carl Sagan once said, “Extinction is the rule. And survival, is the exception.” *****

y Buried Together 2-12-2015 The death of he and his stories. _____ 1. When he was young He created story after story – Stories about his heartthrobs and heartbreaks – About his planned and spontaneous exploits – His adventures and misadventures – His exhilarations and disappointments – His successes and failures − And a whole range of other experiences. 2. And when he was middle age He enjoyed telling his stories To both friends and family. 3. And when he got older And his children had children He enjoyed telling them to his grandchildren. 4. Oh how he enjoyed telling those stories As well as reliving them himself As he told them.

5. But when he was told that he was repeating himself He withdrew And began sharing them only with his older friends Who could better relate to them And were more forgiving of his repetitiveness. 6. But in time, one by one His older friends died Until there was no one left. 7. Oh how he wished he could deliver his stories again With the same animation as a performer on stage That he used to bring to them. And oh how he wished he could hear again The laughter that they always used to generate. 8. But now that he was alone And had no one to share his stories with He suffered a silent isolation. 9. He also suffered From the knowledge that he would soon die And that he and his stories Would be buried In a single lonely grave In cemetery silence, forever. ****

y Raking Leaves 11-18-2015 Impressions while raking leaves. _____ 1. It‟s that time of year again – Time to rake the leaves. 2. Raking the leaves was always just another job That I never looked forward to And one that took up so much time on my weekend And that I tried get done as quickly as possible. 3. But now that I‟m retired It‟s now something that I almost look forward to As it gives me something productive to do And something that I can stretch out over the entire week And can get some exercise to boot. 4. And while it‟s still work It‟s work with a different face and complexion to it And something that is more enjoyable Than it used to be − Now that I‟m retired.

5. Raking the leaves Now represents something very different Than it did before – Something philosophically different. 6. Now that I‟m retired And in my reflective years I have the benefit of age and perspective − The perspective that only comes with age Where I can look at things more philosophically − Even raking leaves. 7. This is the time of my life Where knowledge, wisdom, insight, understanding And all the other things that accumulate with age Can turn a mundane job Like raking leaves Into something more − Something philosophical − Something akin to a study and appreciation of life And even a kind of art form. 8. In this stage of my life I can bring together The forces of wisdom, art and work Into a cocktail of life and living.

9. In this stage in my life I see things very differently With a new found wonder As if I‟m seeing things for the first time. 10. In this stage of my life While I still haven‟t solved the puzzle of life And have no expectation I ever will I‟ve found an appreciation of its intricacy. 11. At this stage in my life I‟ve gotten closer to seeing How the finite and the infinite Rather than being opposing forces Are actually complementary yin-yang forces. 12. Now when I rake the leaves I see, feel and smell things That I never had the time or capacity To do or enjoy before. 13. Now when I rake the leaves I notice all the colors in the sky, Every color and shape of leaf, All the skeleton architectures of the trees And all the little insects Scurrying about to find their winter homes.

14. Now when I rake the leaves I study the birds and squirrels busy at their work and play, Smell the rich aroma of wet leaves, And notice how the sky, trees, grass and ground All seem to unite into a living mural Of life and transition. 15. And with this newfound perception It‟s like I‟ve fallen into a rabbit hole − Just like Alice did − Into a new and magical land. 16. Now when I rake the leaves Its repetitive motion Is like looking at the watch of a hypnotist Swinging back and forth Lulling me deeper and deeper Into some sort of trance That puts me directly in touch with nature. 17. And as I‟m raking I look up and see the few green leaves Still hanging onto life And watch those who couldn‟t hold on anymore Flutter down around me To join the millions of others Who have laid a sweeping Multi-colored blanket on the ground.

18. Now when I rake the leaves I look at things more − Philosophically 19. Now when I rake the leaves Everything seems representative of something − Philosophical. 20. Now when I rake the leaves I see the whole spectrum and cycle of life And better understand its meaning And what part I play in it. 21. Now when I rake the leaves I‟m not so reminded and afraid of death. Nor do I see these fallen leaves As just an end to something But rather as a beginning too Both of which Are inseparable from the other. 22. And while I see these beginnings and ends As something inseparable I also see them as distinct from each other too Like natural twins.

23. I also, no longer see life as a straight line With the beginning on one end And the end on the other But rather as something That curves back on itself To form a circle With the beginning and the end Connected and nurturing each other. 24. Now when I rake the leaves I see things More philosophically And as part of a continuum. 25. Now when I rake the leaves I see everything More philosophically With much more beauty and meaning to it And all the Fall colors As living proof. *****

y She Had That Power Over Me 2-27-2015 She had a special kind of power. _____ 1. All she had to do was look at me To put me in my place. 2. She didn‟t have to say a thing. She didn‟t have to get mad or intimidate me. She didn‟t have to trap me With some clever check-mate put down. 3. She didn‟t have to embarrass me in any way As I would do that all by myself. She didn‟t have to stab me either As I would fall on my own sword. She had that kind of power over me And that I was helpless to resist. 4. And no matter how wrong or cruel she was I took my punishment willingly As if I deserved it For she had that kind of power over me.

5. All she had to do was look at me To put me in my place. All she had to do was look at me And I would fold No matter how good a hand Or poker face I had. 6. And after any demeaning or cruel thing That she said or did to me All she had to do was look at me And Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;d be in love with her all over again. She just had that kind of power over me. *****

y More Time To Worry 3-1-2015 Free time is sometimes not so good. _____ 1. Having free time Is both a good thing And a bad thing. 2. While you have less stress About the things you have to do And more time For the things you want to do Your mind is more vulnerable To your worries That compete for your attention. 3. As a lion lies in wait For its opportunity Your worries lie in wait For their opportunity.

4. An idle mind Is the Devilâ&#x20AC;&#x;s workshop. Innocence unprotected Invites a rape. 5. The more free time you have The more likely your worries Will seek to fill the void. *****

y The Longest Walk 3-5-2015 A lonely walk is the longest. _____ 1. When I entered the woods There was plenty of sun pouring in. It was beautiful and inviting. 2. Then the woods thickened, The trail disappeared And the sun began to set Drying up all the light and warmth And leaving only cold and intimidating shadows That created hiding places everywhere. 3. Walking alone in the dark I hear the branches brushing up against me And swinging back like a spring. I also hear the dry twigs Cracking under my feet Echoing like signals.

4. The sounds of those twigs Weren‟t that loud But loud enough to signal to the wolves, “He‟s over here.” 5. It was a lonely and scary walk For there was nothing to console me Or to counter the worries and fears That marched through my mind Like an invading army With their heavy boots. 6. There was nothing I could do To silence those cracking sounds underfoot That constantly whispered to the wolves, “He‟s over here.” 7. It was a lonely walk And therefore the longest walk. It was the longest walk as well For it was frightening Listening to all the constant whispers of, “He‟s over here.” *****

y That Big Waterfall Ahead 3-12-2015 My life â&#x20AC;&#x201C; an analogy. _____ 1. I got into a tiny inflatable In a fast moving section of the river That was so violent That it could have been the end for me Even before I started. 2. This was the beginning of my life When I was very young And even before my grammar school years. 3. And when I was a little older But still very young I encountered countless rapids And white water everywhere Where Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;d always be bouncing off Both the rocks and the shore line With the constant threat of tipping over Or being thrown from the boat. It was a wet, cold and frightening ride And all I could do was hold on.

4. This lasted into my early 20s With no calm water in sight To reassure me of anything Or give me any confidence About the future. 5. Then in my later 20s and 30s The rapids diminished In number and intensity And the river calmed To a gentle flow. 6. I looked behind me And saw to my relief The growing distance Between me and the bubbling water. And when I looked ahead To my added relief I saw only a few patches of whitewater. 7. In this period of my life It was the first time That I could put my oars in the water And take control of my direction And feel That the worse of my white-knuckled ride Was perhaps over.

8. But as grateful as I am For the relief of smoother waters I know thereâ&#x20AC;&#x;s a lot more river to go And a big waterfall up ahead. *****

y Solitary Confinement 3-18-2015 Life after death. _____ 1. During the first year or so After my death I had many visitors come to my grave And was grateful for their visits For it made me feel That I was respected and missed. 2. I was also warmed By the nice things they said about me And the prayers That they offered up for my soul. Life after death Wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t so bad after all. 3. But it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t last long And the visits waned to a trickle Then stopped.

4. It was then that I began to appreciate The reality of things â&#x20AC;&#x201C; That I was being forgotten And left To the loneliness of my grave. 5. So here I am Waiting and hoping For anyone to come by To relieve the absoluteness Of my solitary confinement. *****

y The Log Cabin 3-20-2015 The memories and mystique of a log cabin. _____ 1. My Uncle Arthur Had a little summer log cabin In the hills of New Jersey. Being a city boy I‟d never been in a log cabin And it engendered A whole new collection of impressions. 2. The logs were dark and heavy From some sort of paint or preservative And made them look….medieval. 3. The logs had cement between them – Cement that was dried out and cracking And had lost its adhesiveness to the logs So much so that pieces would sometimes break off When you touched or leaned against them.

4. And when the cement broke off I remember feeling guilty And worried that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;d be blamed. 5. I also remember feeling the wind Leaking through the cracks Where the cement had fallen out And imagining it was the stale breath Of some kind of forest creature on the other side. 6. The whole inside of the cabin Seemed low and cramped And crowded with old rugs and furniture. And the dull yellow light From the lamps in the corners Never filled the room But only gave off a hallo of light That barely reached the center of the room. 7. It was scary in many ways But also cozy In a strange conflicting kind of way.

8. I also remember the back porch That was all enclosed With black, bowed and brittle wire screening And sitting there in the summer darkness Listening to the billions of screaming insects That were so loud You thought you were actually Sitting in the woods amidst them. 9. That little log cabin in the woods Had an aura about it That always had my little-boy imagination Running wild Looking for goblins in the woods And scary ghosts in all the closets. *****

y Not All The Way Back 4-12-2015 He was sharing his life in two worlds. _____ 1. When he came home He said it was good to be back. But we could all tell That he hadn‟t come back – Not all the way back − And was sharing his time In another place. 2. He was half in one place And half in another. It was obvious And there was no hiding it. 3. When he was half way through a sentence He would often leave it unfinished As if he were engaged in another conversation Somewhere else − As if the ending of his sentence in this world Was the beginning of a sentence in another world.

4. If you thought He was looking at you attentively When you looked more closely You could see that he was looking through you With some kind of glazed look. And if you moved your head His eyes often wouldn‟t follow right away For he‟d be somewhere else. 5. Back and forth he‟d go Sharing his time between two places Never fully in one or the other. 6. There was no pattern to when he was here And when he was there. He was always Without any predictability to it In two different worlds Which made everything so unsettling. 7. He was back – But not all the way back. *****

y Ironic Appreciation 10-9-2015 On aging. _____ 1. At my age Of 72 I take ironic pleasure And appreciation Of all the aches and pains I have. 2. And why that is Is quite simple: For with and by All these aches and pains of mine Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;m happily reminded That Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;m still alive And at my age That means a lot. *****

y Feeling Like A Failure 10-9-2015 The downside of success. _____ 1. I wish I hadn‟t succeeded And gained all that confidence in myself For now that I‟ve tasted success I‟m insatiable. 2. And having tasted success Everything I do now Has to be better than the last. 3. And worse than that Everything has to be Perfect. 4. So now With everything having to be perfect And knowing that that‟s impossible Everything I do now Makes me feel like a failure. *****

y Smoking Myself To Death 4-15-2015 Smoking when it doesn‟t matter anymore. _____ 1. Oh the pleasure, reassurance and imagery Of smoking cigarettes − Like the magic of watching fire in a fireplace; The child-like security and release you get By having something for your hands and mouth; And the advertized sophistication of smoking. 2. 50 years ago I gave up smoking after a good drunk one night Wherein the day afterwards I was so hung over That I couldn‟t touch a cigarette And with one day already on the books I decided to continue and stop for good. (Strangely, you would have thought That I should have given up drinking.)

3. But while I gave up smoking I never gave up the desire to smoke. Nor did I give up its symptoms For I always carried toothpicks in my shirt pocket And whenever I used them I‟d often hold them between my fingers Just like a cigarette. And just like a cigarette I‟d sometimes take a drag on them And flick the imaginary ashes off their ends. 4. Yes, I gave up smoking – But not really. Once an addict – Always an addict. 5. Although I haven‟t smoked for 50 years now I still continued to fake-smoke Which was a healthy tradeoff For I could have both my cake And eat it too. I could smoke But not smoke. I gave up smoking But kept in practice.

6. In addition to it being healthy There were other advantages: It was cheaper, I didn‟t have to stand outside in the cold Huddled in the corner of a building With all the other addicts, And I could both enjoy a fake-smoke after a good meal And pick my teeth at the same time. 7. But I miss smoking For there‟s nothing like the real thing. 8. So when I turn 80 And it doesn‟t matter anymore I‟m gonna smoke myself to death. *****

y Hunchbacked 5-15-2015 Reflections on my past and its effects. _____ 1. When I was a young boy I canâ&#x20AC;&#x;t remember a single tender moment With my mother or my father. 2. Is that because There werenâ&#x20AC;&#x;t any? Or because Of some memory lapse on my part? 3. Whatever the case may be I had little to draw from or build on Not only for my own personal development But also for conveying to others. 4. And when my mother died My father broke And became depressed and angry Which added other inhibiting factors.

5. But in all fairness I must say That the contribution of my genes To the formation of my own personality Didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t help matters either. 6. With this combined back drop Of emotional malnutrition I can understand Why people sometimes see me As sort of cold For I can see it in myself as well. 7. Like a plant or tree thatâ&#x20AC;&#x;s deprived of the sun Will bend and contort itself to find its share Until it ultimately becomes deformed It will also become underdeveloped and anemic. 8. Oh how I wish I had Some warmer memories to draw from, To replicate and model myself off And to project and share with others. Oh how I wish I had A little more sunshine in my life.

9. Was I born in the shadows or gravitated to them? Was I left too much to my own unguided devices? Did my contorted efforts to find my share of the sun Cause me to grow hunchbacked And relegated to the belfry Away from the others? 10. Have my morals, emotions and beliefs Been so knotted and uncombed That they‟re so obvious to others? 11. Have I been so malnourished From eating scraps of leftovers That − like a POW − All I can think about is food? 12. This is what I worry about With little expectation That I can do much about it Except to just accept and live with it And try to compensate for it By straightening up as much as I can. 13. And for my own sanity I try not to look in the mirror too much At that hunched back of mine. *****

y The Curandera 5-30-2015 A Spanish healer who uses herbs and tells fortunes. _____ 1. The Curandera told him mostly what he wanted to hear Mixed with a little of what he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t want to hear So that it would appear more believable. 2. Her formula Was a cleaver mixture of both truth and lies Which brought him right to where she wanted him Where he was always wanting more. 3. She planned and conducted her sessions So that there was always another session required. Every session required another session To follow up on the last premonition, prediction Or action that needed to be taken. Every session required another session To clear things up from the last session. 4. But things never got cleared up As something new would always come up That required further follow-up.

5. She was so, so good at her craft That he became wholly dependent on her Feeling that she should be His all-in-one and his everything − His advisor, friend, analyst, confident and his priestess − And so much so That he felt he didn‟t need anyone else for anything Which was exactly how she wanted him to feel. 6. Over time She progressively moved into his life And crowded out everyone else – His family, friends and acquaintances. She became his accountant, financial advisor and social planner And progressively swallowed him up. 7. In time He was completely under her spell and control. And being so isolated He lost all his confidence, free-will and perspective. 8. He was caught in her spider web – Wrapped into immobility with her fine silk threads And being eaten alive. *****

y Mickey Mouse 6-3-2015 A street fight outside of Boston during a snow storm. ______ 1. I was taking a weekend trip to Boston With a girlfriend of mine And after driving for about 4 hours We arrived just outside the city When it began to snow. 2. The snow soon became heavier And the wind picked up Making it difficult to see And the streets slippery. 3. Then it happened: I had a collision with another car In the middle of an intersection. I got out of the car. And the other driver â&#x20AC;&#x201C; A black guy â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Got out too.

4. I was mad And he was too But he was also very aggressive In his approach and his language And I responded in kind. 5. We yelled and cursed As we approached each other With neither one of us slowing down. We were two freight trains on a collision course. 6. We were two boxers who, after hearing the bell Were off our seats and coming out of our corners Banging our gloves together. And when we were in the center of the ring With no space left between us We automatically started swinging Throwing punch after punch. 7. After a while One of the punches he threw Caught me on the side of my neck. It wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t a particularly hard punch But enough to make my voice go from baritone To counter tenor.

8. I tried to adjust my voice back to normal But couldn‟t. In the beginning of the fight I sounded like “The Hulk” But after that punch I sounded like “Mickey Mouse.” 9. That was the end of the fight for me. With my voice, so went my confidence And I just backed off And hung up my gloves. The fight was over And out of me. 10. I went back to my car, Got in, closed the door And stared straight ahead out of the windshield. When Mickey tried to explain things to his girl She just giggled behind her hand. 11. It was a quiet rest of the ride into Boston As Mickey stuck around For about an hour or so more. *****

y A World Out Of Balance 6-5-2015 A wrong not righted. _____ 1. When a wrong‟s not righted The whole world‟s out of balance. 2. When a wrong‟s not addressed, Righted, Reversed Or revenged The gods look down on us In shame and anger. 3. When a wrong‟s not righted The whole world‟s Out of balance. *****

y Our Castle With A Moat 7-5-2015 Imaginary grandeur. _____ 1. I look at our home As if it were a castle. And the river that abuts it As its moat. 2. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s all in my head, I know But how fortunate it is To have such an imagination That can turn a little house and its grounds Into a castled estate with its own moat And in doing so Imagine yourself as royalty. 3. How great it is to be awake And dreaming at the same time â&#x20AC;&#x201C; To be living in the real world And in a stately fantasy too. *****

y Not Upsetting The Gods 7-12-2015 Playing it safe. _____ 1. God didn‟t create man Rather man created God. 2. It‟s the absence of God In all the events of our lives That should point us to the conclusion That He doesn‟t exist − Which should also be enough To overcome any resistance and fear Surrounding that decision. 3. When we‟re young And our minds are fertile and defenseless The idea and fear of God is implanted in us By our parents and their priests Which take deep, blinded and spreading root.

4. And later in life When we have all the logical and cognitive skills To make our own intellectual and informed decisions Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s too late As the roots are all too deep by then. 5. Have you ever tried to uproot a tree? Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s almost impossible. And even if you did The trauma and guilt associated with it Would be all too much to bear. 6. Likewise To try and change A brainwashed mind that has cured Would tear apart its very fabric And cripple it. 7. So we stay in our comfort zone And play it safe So as not to hurt ourselves And risk upsetting the gods. *****

y Over The Hill 7-14-2015 Being over the hill in a good sense. _____ 1. During the first stage of my life I was constantly climbing that steep hill Trying to get over it â&#x2C6;&#x2019; With gravity working against me. 2. But when I reached the top And gone over it I found myself coasting down its other side â&#x20AC;&#x201C; With gravity working for me. 3. Before I had to worry About not getting to the top and over it But now I have to worry About not hitting the bottom too fast, too hard. 4. But having said that Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s still the side of the hill I prefer to be on. *****

y Games Of Bravery 7-17-2015 Preparing for the real thing. _____ 1. I had the flu and felt terrible But refused to take any medicine. “Brave it and don‟t wimp out” I recited to myself. 2. But last night Into the 3rd day of my flu My flu symptoms were complicated By severe pains behind my knees So much so That I couldn‟t sleep. 3. The pain was so intense That I just couldn‟t take it And tossed around in bed Moaning like a baby. And to help relieve the pain I had to get up and walk around the room Like a caged animal.

4. “Can‟t take it?” That‟s what I heard me saying to myself And it triggered something deep inside of me − That I wasn‟t as tough as I thought I was And had given up too easily. 5. Whenever I have to suffer through things Like a cold, headache, fever, injury or whatever I try not to give in to the pain But rather brave it out. I try to image that I‟m a POW And have to bear all my torture, pain and depression Without complaint And not give in to the enemy Or break in front of my fellow POWs. But here I was Breaking over a little thing like the flu. I felt like a coward. 6. Was I being too critical of myself − As I‟m always being? Maybe…. But maybe not As look at what little it took to break me.

7. Similarly I try and imagine myself Dying on my deathbed And being the model of strength As I say goodbye to my loved ones. 8. So by not taking my medicine I‟m trying to prove something to myself And toughen myself up For the real test someday. These are practice games But games with a very personal purpose for me And ones that I‟d like to win. 9. But last night I lost the game By giving in And confessing to my weaknesses – Confessing to the enemy under torture − Which worried me About what it might bode for the future When it‟s not a game And really counts. *****

y Looking For Their Cars (On Leandra And Kerry) 7-17-2015 Always worrying about my children. _____ 1. If Leandra‟s not home before I go to bed The first thing I do in the morning Is anxiously look for her car in the driveway And am so relieved when I see it. 2. And with respect to Kerry Because he‟s living away from home And I can‟t see his car I sometimes send him a text On some small or trivial matter Just to get a response as my substitute way Of looking out the window And seeing his car too. 3. My children – I will always worry over them Just as much as I love them. *****

y Getting What You Pay For 7-30-2015 My cheap new suit. _____ 1. When I was working my way through college As a messenger for Citibank in Manhattan I really needed a new suit But didn‟t want to spend a lot of money on it As I didn‟t have a lot of money. 2. So I went down to Orchard Street On the lower east side of New York Where they had a lot of stores Run by Eastern European Jews That sold inexpensive suits And where you could get A “real good deal.” 3. So after work one evening I took the train downtown And rummaged through racks of suits In a number of stores Until I found one.

4. I remember it was kind of shiny Which wasn‟t exactly my style But it was the best that I could find And the kind That a lot the Italian guys in my neighborhood wore. So I bought it, put it on, and wore it out of the sore. 5. On the way to the subway It started to rain – Not a lot But enough to get the suit a little wet. 6. And when I was on the train On my way home to Brooklyn With my outstretched arm Holding on to the subway strap I noticed that the sleeve of my suit Was moving up my arm − It was shrinking Right before my eyes. 7. My cheap new suit Turned out to be Not such a great deal after all But it was however A great lesson In getting what you pay for. *****

y Figments Of Our Imagination? 8-5-2015 Evolution versus creation. _____ 1. Oh this cruel and imperfect world of ours Where there‟s so much unavoidable suffering And where we have to take another life Just to prolong our own. 2. I could think of a million other ways For someone to make, design and engineer a world 3. But by thinking that way I‟m assuming there‟s a creator In the first place Which is probably completely erroneous Judging from what I see. 4. From what I see I can only deduce That there is no god-creator For why would a benevolent god, As we‟re taught exits, Create such a cruel world? − Unless of course he‟s an evil one.

5. But be that as it may I believe that most likely There is no creator And all that exists Was created through chemical and molecular evolution With no plan or conscience behind any of it But rather just a progression Of one natural thing transforming itself into another And where the very laws of chemistry, physics and mathematics Were generated simultaneously As an integral part of that progression. 6. And as far as the existence of such things as Morality, justice, fairness, good and evil I believe that they are just products of our minds Made possible only by the advanced level of our evolution â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Only figments of our intelligence and imagination And not existing anywhere outside of ourselves. 7. And just as life had created itself From and out of its inert primordial surroundings Into bacteria and beyond â&#x2C6;&#x2019; So has conscience and kindness created itself Out of the primordial soup of our intelligent minds.

8. So itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s my believe That there is no god to blame things on And that both god and conscience Are just figments of our imagination. 9. However having said that I wonder sometimes If there are, in fact, such things as Morality, justice, fairness, good and evil And they actually do exist in reality Outside of ourselves And that we, having reached The level of intellectual advancement that we have, Can now recognize them. 10. I wonder. And I wonder Which is which And what is what? *****

y St. Augustine And Dad 8-24-2015 Remembering my early and trying days in the Navy. _____ 1. When I joined the Navy My first few months Were very depressing for me. I was away from home for the first time And had little confidence in myself And was always on the verge of quitting. 2. I had no girlfriend who I could talk to Except for my older lover, Helen Who was my next door neighbor, Was married with 4 children And was twice my age of 18. 3. What I turned to for help Was reading The Confessions of St. Augustine Which was a book I had brought with me Not ever thinking Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;d come to need it.

4. What I also turned to Was writing to my father Who I‟d never turned to before – But I was desperate. 5. And when he wrote back to me I was so surprised For I never expected him to be So understanding and comforting. 6. In his letters to me He never put me down, Never was judgmental, Never lectured me And was just genuinely supportive. 7. At home and in person I had never seen that side of him For there was always Constant fighting, criticizing and tension between us. But in his letters however He was understanding, sympathetic and consoling. I never thought that he could be that way. 8. In his letters He was a completely different person. He became my father – The father I didn‟t have before.

9. I don‟t know where he was hiding in the past But I‟m glad he came out when he did − When I needed him. 10. Maybe he was always there But didn‟t feel comfortable showing himself. Or maybe I hadn‟t looked hard enough before. Or maybe the circumstances Made everything different for the both of us Where we could take off our respective masks. 11. Reading St. Augustine And writing to my father Helped me get through That very rough spot in my life And showed me something That I hadn‟t seen before In him And in me. *****

y Head Down 10-17-2015 Deferring an issue to the future. _____ 1. All the while he was digging his foxhole The bullets were flying over and around him. He heard them whiz by him And slam into a nearby tree with a thud Or hit the ground raising a plume of dirt. He also saw the rifle flashes in the distance And the sparks from the bullets That ricocheted off the rocks all around him. 2. With all those bullets flying He thought for sure heâ&#x20AC;&#x;d be hit Before he finished digging. But somehow he wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t. 3. He could have stayed low Until things calmed down To reduce the risk of his being hit But he somehow went on automatic pilot And just keep digging.

4. It was a stupid decision But it worked And he was able to dig a foxhole deep enough To provide a decent amount of cover. While it could have been deeper He wasn‟t about to press his luck And besides The fear that he had And been able to somehow ignore before Could not be ignored anymore. 5. So that‟s where he stayed In his foxhole − Head down. 6. He had a mission to accomplish And, as a soldier, It was his duty to achieve it. But he was frozen in fear. It wasn‟t so much a debilitating fear − Which frequently happens in a war − As he was able to think clearly. But rather it was something else And more like selfish survival Plain and simple. 7. So he just stayed there In his foxhole – Head down.

8. He saw his buddies advancing forward And felt like a coward for letting them down − By not advancing with them And giving them more safety in numbers Or at least giving them cover From the fire power he could have provided. 9. He knew he‟d have to face his cowardice Sooner or later Both within himself And in the eyes of others. 10. And as he crouched in his foxhole – Head down − He debated which would be worse: Facing the enemy On the field now? Or facing his cowardice Back home later? 11. Which would be worse? He didn‟t know. So he just stayed there In his foxhole − Head down. *****

y One With Everything 9-23-2015 Being part of nature in all respects. _____ 1. A nail breaks off my finger Like a branch breaks off a tree. A mosquito digs into me Like a mole burrows into the ground. The wind blows through my hair Like the wind rustles through the reeds. 2. I am one with the tree, The soil, And the wind. I am one with everything in nature And an indivisible part it. 3. I am one with each and everything â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Born of a common root, Breathing the same air, Drinking the same water And living and dying in time Just like everything else. *****

y A Field Of Stars 11-2-2015 My escape. _____ 1. When I was a boy I remember reading a book about space – About rocket ships, planets, galaxies and the cosmos − And being captivated by it. 2. I remember how quickly I could escape From the worries I had on earth By just opening that book about space. 3. As soon as I opened it The concentrated pressures of my worries Was somehow released − Sucked up and dispersed by and into The unconcentrated and weightlessness of space – Sucked away just as high pressure Is sucked away into a vacuum.

4. All that had been heavy on my mind and heart Would be dispersed and become weightless Just by reading and thinking About space. 5. One minute I was under a lot of pressure And the next minute – Reading my book about space − The pressure was released And drawn away into empty space. One minute I was in this world Weighted down with all its worries And the next minute − I was out there among the stars. 6. And even today When I open a book about space I become unburdened and free As I amble through A field of stars. *****

y A Light Snow In Spring 9-22-2015 A sacrificial snow. _____ 1. The Spring began as any other Spring With light rains, Each day warming up the next And the sun coaxing out all the greens And other Spring colors From their Winter hiding places. 2. Then a cold snap came Which was quite a surprise. Although it sometimes happens Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s always a surprise when it does. 3. The light rain That accompanied the snap that day Turned itself into a beautiful snow shower That covered the land and all its awaking life With a light crystalline blanket That made everything look so beautiful And surreal.

4. It didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t last long But while it did, it was stunning And made everything look as though We were on a different planet. 5. And as it began to melt It added even more beauty to it. 6. Watching the snowflakes fall And waft through the air Like millions of little white kites You could see how intricately they were engineered. And when they touched down on their deathbeds I was mesmerized in philosophical thought. 7. Oh the glory and bravery Of those proud little snowflakes Who had unselfishly bestowed Their belated Winter beauty Onto this novice Spring In sacrificial honor to it. *****

y A Social Lesson (On Gwen) 10-3-2015 Remembering my mistake in social protocol. _____ 1. In the 1960s, Gwen was my girlfriend. She was Chinese And I met her in Brooklyn through my sister Enid. Gwen came from a prominent family In Trinidad, West Indies And one time I visited her and her family there. 2. Gwenâ&#x20AC;&#x;s father was a prominent lawyer And her mother, a local socialite. Her mother was also a devote Catholic And raised her children that way And ultimately persuaded her husband to convert. 3. Labor was cheap in Trinidad And, as in so many undeveloped countries, Families that were well off Had chauffeurs, gardeners, laundry women, Housekeepers, nannies and cooks All of which was alien to me â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A middle-class do-it-yourself American.

4. My first dinner there Was with the whole family Including some relatives With the servants taking care of everything. Being served by servants? That was all new for me â&#x2C6;&#x2019; And uncomfortable. 5. After I finished my meal I automatically got up And carried my dishes to the sink â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Like I always did. 6. That was a No-no. And I knew it right away When I saw all the heads With raised eyebrows Turning towards each other And heard All the whispering. 7. At a discreet period of time afterwards I received some polite counseling From Gwen and her mother.

8. It was a lesson for me â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A kid from Brooklyn â&#x20AC;&#x201C; About class and custom And about upstairs-downstairs Protocol. *****

He Couldn’t Remember The Cold 10-18-2015 Past hardships suppressed. _____ 1. He felt so warm under the covers − So warm that he couldn‟t remember the cold – The cold that he felt in the Gulag prison Not so long ago. 2. Normally you never forget traumatic experiences And they invariably come back to haunt you As lifelong and painful flashbacks – Like flashbacks from the war. 3. But not him. For some reason Unlike the others He‟d been able somehow To completely erase those traumas Not only from his mind But seemingly From reality itself.

4. He couldn‟t remember those cold nights In the Siberian east That were so cold That he couldn‟t sleep And where he used to wait for each gust of wind To blow over, under and through him And suck away whatever body heat he had Leaving him shaking uncontrollably. 5. Most can never suppress their flashbacks And the only difference Is how they handle them Or don‟t handle them. 6. But with him It was very different. He was an extremely strong man And had apparently – With supernatural strength − Been able to completely erase All those painful memories. 7. But rather than having found a way To completely erase them He most likely found a way To completely suppress them To the point of virtual extinction. What extraordinary powers he had To be able to smother such powerful forces as these.

8. I fear though That on one night under his warm covers Some rouge gust of wind − Even a light one − Will awaken a giant monster That had had so much time to grow in secret During its exile And devour him whole. 9. I felt that it would be better To allow for some flashbacks to vent themselves So he could see their size and shape And deal with them gradually In bite-size pieces. 10. I tried to tell him that But he wouldn‟t listen And, with a dreamlike smile, He just pulled the covers Up closer under his chin. 11. I looked at him Helplessly Only wanting to help. And as I did I heard that monster growling Somewhere in the room Waiting for its moment. ***** 100

y My Homecoming (On The Vietnam War) 10-5-2015 My return home from the service in 1967 was disappointing. _____ 1. In less than 3 months after graduating college I quit my job and joined the Navy During the Vietnam War. I joined out of a mixed sense of duty And wanting to get my service requirement completed In a branch of the service I preferred. 2. My first assignment was aboard a ship in Yorktown, Virginia. Which ship later changed its home port to Washington, DC. But I wanted to go to the Orient Where Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;d be closer to the action and Asian girls. So I asked for a transfer and got it. I requested to be stationed in Japan But could only get as close as Pearl Harbor. 3. In year 3 of my 4 year tour I volunteered for duty on swift boats Which were like small well-armed PT boats That patrolled the delta and river systems of Vietnam. It was real combat duty and during the height of the war.

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4. I remember the officer I spoke with Telling me that for that “privilege” I‟d have to sign up For another 2 years of service. 5. I was bewildered and said to him, “I don‟t understand why I have to extend As I thought I‟d be doing the Navy a favor By signing up for this kind of combat duty.” 6. I‟ll never forget what he said, “Son” − he called me “son”, “You don‟t understand, There are a million career officers Who want this type of combat duty For their record.” 7. So I didn‟t extend But rather completed my 4 years And got out. 8. When I came home I thought I‟d be hailed as some sort of hero − Or at least be thanked for my service But quite the opposite occurred.

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9. I thought that sacrificing 4 years of my life in the service − Compared to those who didn‟t And who enjoyed their soft civilian lives, Married their sweethearts And were 4 years ahead of me in their careers − Would be recognized and somewhat appreciated. 10. But I was wrong As a good deal of the country Had turned against the war And many others were tired of it Due the fact that the meddling politicians Wouldn‟t let the military do their jobs and win it And get out of there quickly. 11. I got into a number of arguments With the anti-war people Who seemed to blame me personally Just because I had been in the military − Like it was my fault That we were in the war in the first place. How different it was, I thought, From the way it was When the boys came home from WWII Where they were honored and respected Not cursed and spit upon. I felt hurt, disillusioned and alone.

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12. In some cases I was shunned in conversation And not accepted socially. And what especially hurt was how When I was in uniform People often gave me a wide berth Or didn‟t want to sit next to me So as not to be “associated” with me. It was as though I were diseased. 13. These were my own people – Or were they? I wasn‟t so sure. I sometimes felt like a man Without a country. 14 The challenge of trying to start my career And catch up to those who were 4 years ahead of me Was compounded by the social stigma that was on me. 15. This was made further confusing And complicated for me By the fact That I was in love with a Vietnamese girl Who I had to leave behind And was trying to make things work out enough To bring her back.

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16. Some years later The war ended And time began to rebuild bridges And take the edge off those sharp memories. But I‟ll never forget That empty and lonely feeling I had back then When I returned home And those hurt feelings of betrayal. 17. But despite all the disappointments And hurt feelings I‟m glad I joined As I‟m not only proud of my service But also personally thankful for the Navy For helping me become a man − And you can‟t put a price on that. *****

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y The Gingerbread House (On Leandra) 4-27-2015 What I saw in that gingerbread house. _____ 1. I walked into the kitchen And saw the gingerbread house that Leandra had made With the help of her mild-mannered boyfriend, Justin. And when I looked at it I immediately smiled from both relief and thankfulness Knowing that she finds enjoyment In doing such simple and innocent things As making little gingerbread houses And knowing that things could have gone A very different way. 2. You see, there was a time in her life When she was hanging around in clubs, Drinking with the guys and girls, Staying out late, Trying to impress the boys, Doing dangerous things on the internet, Testing the wild and dangerous side of life And often being teen-aged disobedient.

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3. Had she continued on that path Things could have gone A very different way. 4. But thankfully, as she matured Those kinds of dangerous and testy things Resolved themselves Into such safer and simpler things As making gingerbread houses at home. 5. Based on some of her earlier proclivities She might have developed in a more negative way Wherein her life and ours Would not be as simple and innocent As they are now. 6. This comparative feeling Of yesterdayâ&#x20AC;&#x;s worry against todayâ&#x20AC;&#x;s relief Came to me In a gingerbread split second. 7. She has no idea of all that I felt When I saw that little gingerbread house of hers And how proud I was of her. *****

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y Missing Tom (On Tom Carroll) 10-18-2015 A lost opportunity with an appreciating former friend. _____ 1. As I edit my music and poems I remember Tom Carroll Who had been my former partner, boss and friend. 2. Tom would often tell me that I had A real “way with words”− A unique way of saying things. He also said that I had And an excellent use of analogies That would create a clear picture Of what I was trying to convey. These were appreciated compliments Because it came from someone Who was educated, intelligent and a good writer himself And who had an appreciation of the arts And for the written word.

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3. He also had An appreciation for the music I wrote. One time I gave him a CD Of my classical piano compositions And after some time I asked him if he‟d gotten a chance to listen to them To which he replied, “Yes, and I listen to them all the time” − Which was another much appreciated and valued compliment. 4. Tom‟s dead now And even though we had a falling out In the years before his death I wish he were alive and we had reconciled For I so much would have liked To have him read my poetry And give me his opinion of it For he was a person of the caliber Whose opinion would have meant a lot. 5. But now With my poetry books almost complete He‟s no longer around. 6. It‟s so sad and frustrating To have seeds in your pocket That will never be planted. *****

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y I Have Spoken 10-16-2015 Satisfied that my personal works are completed. _____ 1. The bulk of my personal works Is finally done. 2. My personal works Were born at an early age And grew in length and complexity Over a period of 50 years With the same mysterious drive That drives most all ambitious things in life. 3. And with their completion They sit there with me Waiting for their debut. 4. Success or not Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;m at peace Knowing theyâ&#x20AC;&#x;re done And that I have spoken. *****

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y The Horse That Threw Us 10-9-2015 Remembering a bad storm at sea. _____ 1. There wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t any forecast of it And the storm just materialized Without any warning. 2. There were 4 of us on our boat: Vi and her brother, Buddy And me and a partner of mine, Phil From the office. 3. The storm came up the night before. While we were sailing home from Maine With the seas having gotten bad enough That we had to steer off our course To keep the bow pointed into the waves So we wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t be broadsided And swamped.

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4. By morning The waves had grown much larger And began rolling. They‟d pick us up so high That we could see The entire Gulf of Massachusetts Then they‟d drop us down so deep That all we‟d see Were 25 foot walls of black water All around us. 5. Then out of nowhere A huge rouge wave hit us. Since my back was turned away I never saw it coming. 6. It hit us with such force That we suffered a full knockdown Which is when the mast and sails Actually hit the water flat And the wave washes over The entire boat. 7. One minute I was listening to the wind Screaming through the shrouds And the next minute That screaming sound had disappeared And it was almost completely silent For I was now, underwater.

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8. All I saw Was green water and white bubbles. And all I heard Was the sound of those bubbles. 9. Being completely under water I thought the boat was sinking And panicked with the realization That I was shackled onto the life lines And would be dragged down with it. 10. My mind raced â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Should I stay attached And go down with the boat? Or should I unclip myself And risk being lost at sea? 11. I had to decide quickly Before it was too late To decide anything. 12. While I was trying to decide The decision was made for me As with a huge whoosh of momentum and sound The boat righted itself And I heard The screaming wind again.

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13. Vi, Phil and I had all been washed over board But because we were tethered to the boat We were able, after some effort, To climb back on board. Buddy, who had been sea sick down below, Was violently hurled out of his bunk. Fortunately though None of us had any broken bones or cuts â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Only a few bruises. 14. With the engine having been underwater I went down below To make sure I could keep it running And to bail out the cabin. 15. While I was working there I heard all the distress radio calls to the Coast Guard From those who had: Lost rudders, leaking boats, broken masts Injured sailors and inoperable engines. 16. Seeming to be in better shape Than some of the other boats I decided not to make a distress call for help But rather just report our position and situation In the event things got worse And they might have to go looking for us.

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17. It took us 18 slow and limping hours To get to the nearest port. We were wet and exhausted But thankful to have made it. 18. I was particularly thankful For having decided to make it back to port On our own − For having gotten back on the horse that threw us − As we not only had gained a new respect for the sea But saw what we could do. 19. If we‟d been rescued by the Coast Guard Or by another ship Vi and I Might never have gone sailing again. 20. But by getting back on the horse That threw us We had a new confidence in ourselves And were not afraid to ride again. *****

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y A Tie-Breaker 10-17-2015 The seeds of religion are planted early. ______ 1. In all religions we‟re taught things That just can‟t be true. For example in our religion We‟re taught about such things as “The Holy Mary Mother of God” “The Burning Bush” “Moses receiving the 10 commandments” And “The parting of the Red Sea.” 2. These religious stories were planted In the fertile ground of our youth When there was no resistance to them And nothing to stop their rooting. They were planted When we didn‟t question anything – Or rather when we couldn’t question anything.

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3. But now that we‟re older And can think things through for ourselves We know that some of the things That we‟d been taught Just can‟t be true Such as “The Mother of God” − For how could God have a mother?? Really. 4. And the story of the “Burning Bush” Come on now– God calling to Moses out of a burning bush?? And the parting of the Red Sea – The parting of an entire sea?? Give me a break. 5. But even being able to see the obvious now It‟s too late to change For they‟ve all been engrained in us And any uprooting Would be unacceptably painful and traumatic And much easier to just let them be. 6. So we hang on to them, Don‟t challenge them And remain complacent.

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7. And if we were to challenge them We‟d have to uproot our whole value system, Go against our church, friends and relatives. And tell our children that we‟ve been wrong And have taught them the wrong things all their lives. So we have to ask ourselves Would it be worth it? 8. And besides Why would we throw something out If we‟ve got nothing better to replace it with? Also, it‟s generally not good to change horses In the middle of the stream. 9. And furthermore Why would we replace A warm and fuzzy religion With all its promised rewards With something That‟s so granite-hard and scientific And supported only by cold logic and common sense And that comes with no rewards? 10. Will we be comfortable With something where the only reward Is the satisfaction of knowing That we‟re probably right? Would that be enough? − Enough for our peace of mind?

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11. And those who fully appreciate The erroneous basis of all religions And who may in fact be brave enough to reject them Sometimes won‟t For “Why take the chance?”, they say Using Pascal‟s Wager as their support. 12. Blaise Pascal, was a 17th century French philosopher, mathematician and physicist Who logically concluded That it is a safer bet or wager For rational thinking beings To believe in God and obey his laws For if they do and god doesn’t exist They lose nothing But if they don‟t obey his laws And he does exist, They lose everything. 13. Logically Most will agree with Pascal – Maybe not for the right reason – But because it provides A more comfortable result It‟s often a tie-breaker. *****

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y A Time To Grow 10-15-2015 The reason behind my personal works. _____ 1. I don‟t know what exactly drove me to write – To write my music, poetry and journals. Certainly it was due to the desire for self expression But I often wonder about what was beyond that cliché. There had to be more For there‟s always more to everything. 2. It was a way to compete – It was a way to compensate for talents I didn‟t have – It was a way to leave something behind that would speak for me That would say something that I couldn‟t get across in life And a way of leaving some sort of legacy. 3. It was also a way to plant some seeds Whose time to sprout May lay somewhere in the future. *****

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;This Is What Killed Your Motherâ&#x20AC;? (On My Father) 1-2-2015 What my father said to me. _____ 1. When we were growing up My brother, Eric, and I Shared the same room and bed. But when I got older I sometimes slept in the basement. 2. The basement was like My own private apartment. It also allowed me To sneak out at night Through the little basement window That led into the alleyway. 3. One night Sometime after my mother died I was caught sneaking back in. After silently putting back the window screen I came over to the couch that I used as my bed And was startled to find my father Sitting there waiting for me.

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4. He looked at me and said, “This is what killed your mother.” Then he left and went upstairs. 5. But even though my father and I Had a strained relationship, in general And this night he had a right to be mad, in particular For my sneaking out I thought that statement Was a little much And had me wondering if I had missed something About my Mom‟s relationship with me For why else would he say something As stabbing and personal as that? 6. Back then we all went through some very difficult times And it was an especially sensitive time for my father After losing my mother, who was the love of his life But I don‟t think it warranted him saying Something as penetrating and hurtful as that And something that I still think about even today As to what truth might have been in it. 7. Poor Dad, He was such a sensitive and reactive person And always regretted so much of what he said Which might have included what he said that night, “This is what killed your mother.” ***** 122

y Just Wait And See. 10-13-2015 Aging and agility. _____ 1. When you‟re young All you have to do is give one quick look At the stairs you‟re about to go down And your brain figures out The fastest and most efficient way to scale them. And with complete confidence It automatically delegates the duties To each respective bodily and mental function That‟ll get the job done. 2. So with everything having been programmed You‟re mind is free to go off and work on another task Leaving your brain and legs on automatic pilot To spring down the stairs in flawless agility Coordinating: motion, aerodynamics, momentum and gravity All at the same time. 3. In one nanosecond The brain and body Has assessed, coordinated and executed All that needs to be done.

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4. Ah, but when you‟re old Things are very different. Your mind takes so much more time To process, plan, train and delegate things. It has to evaluate all the alternatives And weigh all the risks one by one In order to figure out exactly what has to be done − If it can be done at all – And nothing goes on automatic pilot. 5. And when you begin Each step you take is a calculated and cautious one. Each foot waits for the other one to arrive beside it. And when it does arrive A full assessment is made of that one-step success Before the slow planning and execution Of any next step occurs. 6. When you‟re old Your brain, eyes and body Have to concentrate on every function – Assessing, calculating, recalculating, counseling and worrying About each step of the process. There is no separation of duties Or delegation of authority and activities. Rather, everything has to be done In complete and focused coordination − One thing at a time − Linearly and sequentially.

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7. When you‟re old With each step you take Your entire being has to go into a huddle – Like a huddle in football – Where each play and move is planned And where the whole game depends on that next play. 8. That‟s the way it is When you‟re old − Just you wait and see. *****

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y No Feet On The Ground 11-1-2015 Losing sight of the past. _____ 1. I wanted to see the world So I started my journey With restless enthusiasm. 2. Every direction was inviting And my desire For new horizons and experiences Was unquenchable. 3. I was mesmerized By the open sky above me And the endless horizon before me. 4. With the future so open, vast and exciting I was looking through my windshield so much That I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t pay any attention to my rear view mirror. I was so fixated on where I was going That I lost sight of my past And where I had come from.

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5. While the future was limitless and captivating. It was also undefined and intangible. The past on the other hand Was well defined and made of stone And I gave that up. 6. I was so fixated on where I was going That I never thought to lay down any breadcrumbs In case I got lost or wanted to return. I just didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t think of that. 7. I was on such an exciting odyssey Through empty space That I became a lost satellite. 8. I lost sight of my grounded past For some airy high in the future. I let go of the bird in my hand For two in the bush. I chose weightlessness For no feet on the ground. *****

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y Old Men 10-12-2015 I used to get a kick out of watching old men. _____ 1. When I was young And making the rounds at the bars And the corporate cocktail functions I would get a kick out of watching the older guys Who‟d have rumpled suits, Their suit jackets buttoned in the wrong holes And big bushy eyebrows. 2. And as I waited behind them for my turn at the bar And hearing them order their glasses of white wine I‟d point to them and giggle Amused at them ordering such a sissy drink. 3. And when they went into the men‟s room To take a pee It would come out in little tinkles And take forever And always be followed by a fart.

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4. And when they came out of the menâ&#x20AC;&#x;s room Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x;d have little drip spots on their pants, Their belts would sometimes have missed a loop or two Or their flies would be open. 5. So with my being an old man now Whenever I leave the rest room I always check my buttons, belt, fly and pants. And when I order my glass of wine I always look behind me To see who might be giggling. *****

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Did You Just Say, “Maybe”? 10-12-2015 Not being sure of what she said or he heard. _____ 1. I asked you so many times before If you loved me But never got a response Which hurt. 2. Sometimes you‟d just laugh Which hurt even more. 3. You never responded to me Despite how many Direct and indirect times and ways I‟d ask you. 4. But this time When I asked you if you loved me I thought I heard you say something. I thought I heard you say, “Maybe.” Did I just hear you say, “Maybe”?

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5. Are you softening? Are you finally softening? Or are you just teasing me And not meaning what you say? – That is If you‟re saying anything at all. 6. So please tell me Did I just hear you say, “Maybe”? *****

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When You’re Ready, You’re Ready (On Our Cancelled Wedding) 10-14-2015 The story of our first failed wedding plans. _____ 1. I always had difficulty making decisions – Even small ones sometimes. So a big decision like getting married Was a difficult and stressful one for me. 2. For me, marriage was a thing forever. So having to make a decision About something that was forever Was especially excruciating. 3. Maybe I was influenced By my father‟s devotion to my mother Right up to and beyond her death And wanted to emulate The high standard I saw in their marriage. 4. Or more simply Maybe it was just me and my nature And the fear of making a mistake.

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5. Whatever it was To say the least I was a very nervous bachelor. 6. I wasn‟t like so many other guys I knew Who took marriage more lightly and would say – “Let‟s give it a try.” I took things so much more seriously. 7. After dating Vi for 7 years I really had to make a decision. So I did. We picked the date, Reserved the church and reception hall, Bought the champagne and flowers, Got the wedding gown, Had the bans of marriage read in the church, Made an announcement in Vi‟s home town in the Philippines, Sent out the invitations And then − One week before the wedding − I backed out As I felt That I just wasn‟t ready. 8. Vi had 4 brothers here in the States And to have their sister slighted like that Might have culturally required them To avenge that slight.

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9. Thinking that that might happen And I might find myself dead in bed I moved into the Hotel Summit On Lexington Ave and East 51st Street Under an assumed name And stayed there for about a week or so. 10. Under normal circumstances That might have been the end of things for us But Vi stuck with me And waited for me until I was ready And 2 years later we did get married But this time It was a more simple arrangement â&#x20AC;&#x201C; At City Hall and before a justice of the peace And on the spur of the moment. 11. In addition To not having been ready the first time I think that all the preparation and ceremony Surrounding a big Church wedding and reception Intimidated me And exacerbated the problem.

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12. While backing out was not a good thing In and of itself It might actually have been For if I had gotten married the first time We might have gotten divorced Due to the fact That I just wasn‟t ready. 13. Anyway, for whatever reason Why things didn‟t work out the first time Including timing, circumstances, love, luck or fate They worked out the second time And the proof of it is That we‟ve been together now For 43 years And looking forward To growing old together. 14. When you‟re ready, You‟re ready. And when you‟re not, You‟re not. *****

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y My Scrape With Scientology 10-8-2015 I read the book and thought I‟d give it a try. _____ 1. Everyone has a desire to improve themselves And accordingly, look to Religion, counselors, self-help books and the like To help them get there. 2. After listening to an advertisement About the book “Dianetics”, by L. Ron Hubbard I bought a copy and read it. 3. One of Hubbard‟s beliefs Was that there was an over reliance by people on psychiatrists To help them get over their issues. I agreed with this as I‟ve never turned to one myself Always feeling that unless the issues are very severe We should try and solve our own problems. 4. After reading the book I put it on the shelf Along with all the others books I‟d read.

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5. Sometime later I was walking down the street Near Broadway, and I believe West 45th Street, In Manhattan When a person approached me And asked if I‟d be interested in learning about Scientology. 6. Scientology? That name rang a bell. Then it came to me: That was the name of the methodology That I had read about in the “Dianetics” book. “Why not”, I thought. Rarely had I ever entertained anything That a street hawker was selling But for some reason I did this time. 7. So I met with one of their representatives In a dingy walkup office On the same street where the hawker had approached me Who explained that the program was one That helped people clear their minds of erroneous thinking And opened them up to a clearer way of thinking. Getting “cleared” is what they called the process. It sounded like an interesting self-help concept So I signed up to try it out.

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8. During my first session Through a series of probing and personal questioning I was asked to talk about my deepest sorrows One of which was my mother‟s death Which brought tears to my eyes And which the counselor immediately picked up on Saying that it was, a “breakthrough.” 9. A „breakthrough”? So quickly? It sounded too much like a “come on”− Too much like convenient “evidence” To bolster the effectiveness of their program And get me hooked and wanting more. 10. Being such a private person I regretted giving them So much private and personal information About myself. I also felt vulnerable And very wary. 11. The more information I was prompted to disclose The more I felt I was becoming dependent on them And by which information they could control me Or possibly, in a worst case scenario, Even use against me in some way.

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12. I began to see that they were becoming in effect My psychiatrist – And the very thing they purported to be against. I began to see it as Not so much a self-help program for me But more as a road that would lead to My becoming dependent on them. 13. In an extreme scenario By disclosing all my fears and sins to them Which was an integral part of the program They‟d have me where they wanted me If they so desired And I‟d be theirs. 14. I began to see analogies Between them and how people gradually become Unduly dependent on their psychiatrists and analysts. I also saw an analogy to the Stockholm syndrome Where you become dependent on And beholden to your captors. It‟s just way the mind works. That‟s the sneaky suspicion I began to have. Rather than feeling More in control I was feeling more like I was being controlled.

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15. Anyway, after a few more sessions I began to see myself Going into a dark tunnel. I saw myself Giving more Than I was receiving. 16. I also saw a scenario Where in addition to becoming dependent on them I would be milked of money As once I was hooked Their program included An endless series of expensive courses That you should or had to take To continue your supposed â&#x20AC;&#x153;advancement.â&#x20AC;? 17. So I dropped out and asked for a refund. They refused and tried to offer me Alternative approaches and programs As a clever way to keep me on their hook. 18. After a lot a wrangling And threats of laws suits They gave me the refund But only after I agreed To sign a waiver.

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19. Thank god I saw it early. Thank god I only went into that swamp Up to my ankles And was able to walk out. Otherwise I might have gotten in Up to my neck And never gotten out. 20. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;m usually slow to make decisions And waver back and forth on things. But in this case I saw it right away And quickly pulled the trigger. 21. Many years later After reading about A number of exposes on Scientology I feel doubly grateful That I got out of the game early And only went into that swamp Up to my ankles. *****

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y Stepping Into The 1890s 10-15-2015 Being in two eras at the same time. _____ 1. When I go from Our bright, modern and utilitarian kitchen – Into our living room It‟s like I‟ve stepped into the 1890s. 2. Our living room Has a high ceiling with large dark wooden beams, Shuttered windows, A Persian rug, Stuffed sofas, sitting chairs and period style lamps, A heavy ornate wooden china closet, An old fashioned fireplace and mantle, A large decorative Chinese vase, Pots of large arching palms, Wood-paneled walls with large baseboards, Paneled doors with stain glass windows in them, Fluted doorway trim and crossheads over the windows, Hardwood maple floors, Traditional drapes, A large sturdy wooden coffee table And an antique shipping truck.

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3. The room is representative Of the period around 1894 − The year in which the house was built – And its dark wood and period look Makes it feel to me, warm and cozy. 4. Although the living room Is only one room apart from the kitchen When I step into it It‟s as though I‟ve stepped into A completely different era. – Which in fact I have. 5. And next to our living room Is the music room Which also has that 1890‟s look With its drapes, Persian rug and shutters Similar to those in the living room. It also has floor to ceiling cabinets and book shelves, A Queen Anne chair A lovely circular table and chair, a chandelier, And carpentered woodwork on its high ceiling. Finally, it has the piano that my father had In our old house in Brooklyn Which makes it very personal.

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6. And then thereâ&#x20AC;&#x;s the foyer Adjacent to both rooms With its high ceiling, Simple but traditional style chandelier, Large decorative mirror, Chinese wall piece, And stained glass panels On either side of the large front door. 7. And finally, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x;s the dining room With that same historical look Which room even contains A framed photograph of the original owners Taken back in the 1890s Adding an overall personal touch To the houseâ&#x20AC;&#x;s Gilded Age look and feel. 8. Going from the kitchen Into the living room and all its adjacent rooms Is going back 120 years in time And stepping into a different century. 9. Oh, how lucky and privileged it is To be able to go back in time And be in two different eras At the same time And in the same house. *****

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“Every Step Leads To Death” 10-14-2015 Impressions on a Filipino saying. _____ 1. There‟s a Filipino proverb that reads, “Every step leads to death.” 2. I collect proverbs and sayings Because I find them intellectually appealing For having so much mind-provoking wisdom Wrapped into one simple assembly of words. 3. And this saying in particular Touches a sympathetic chord in me As I identify with it In that I‟ve always tended Toward the heavier and mysterious side of life − The side close to or leading to death. 4. I don‟t exactly know why that is But it is. *****

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I Couldn’t Have Done Better (On Vi) 10-14-2015 Reflecting on our beginnings. _____ 1. When I gave up Stella for Vi I heard through the grapevine – Stella‟s grapevine − That some in that circle Had commented that “I could have done better.” 2. Stella was from the city. She was a city girl And her family was upper middle class – Maybe even upper-upper middle class As her father was a professional of some sort. Vi on the other hand Was a country girl – a farm girl And from very modest means.

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3. Stella was also polished and ambitious And an entrepreneur For after having been a nurse for many years And precipitated by our breakup She moved away to the mid-west for a fresh start And started her own business – A successful acupuncture clinic With a staff of professionals. 4. Vi on the other hand Stayed in nursing for the whole of her career And never wanted to advance further Into nursing administration, for example, And rather just stuck to the basics of nursing. 5. Could I have done better? Everyone‟s got an opinion about everything – Right or wrong And for whatever reason. 6. With Vi and I having been together now For 43 years And after that many years Of her love and devotion And the love I have for her I can safely say From the bottom of my heart, “I couldn’t have done better.” ***** 147

y I Love The Rain 10-14-2015 Impressions about the rain. _____ 1. I love the rain – With its clear falling crystals And the range of sounds that it makes: From the sound of a light sprinkle To the thunderous roar of a downpour. 2. I love the rain – And think of it as Cleansing the air. 3. I love the rain – Imagining the grass, plants and flowers All looking up with their mouths open Like baby birds in a nest. 4. I love the rain – As it puts me into a kind of mesmerizing trance Full of gusts of imagination and introspective visions. Oh how I love the rain. *****

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y Like An Old Oil Painting 10-16-2015 An analogy to an old painting. _____ 1. I looked at my skin the other day And saw how cracked and wrinkled it was. 2. I stared at it for a while Not believing that it could be my skin For it seemed That as far as I could last recall It was smooth and taught. 3. But age Has a way of sneaking up on you And pride A way of denying the obvious. 4. After processing what I saw And reconciling myself to it I could see it for what it was Without taking any offense.

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5. Now With all the emotion Dispersed and out of it I began to look at it More objectively And even philosophically. 6. I saw my skin As if it were the surface Of an old classic painting That had survived the years. 7. The surface of an old painting â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x;s the best analogy and euphemism I can make. 8. And you too can see it that way If you have a discerning and artistic eye, The generosity of a saint And the imagination of a poet. *****

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I Didn’t Hear Anything Back 10-15-2015 Afraid of what I might find out. _____ 1. I thanked her for her support And what she did For me But she didn‟t thank me back For anything I did For her. 2. Was it shyness? Or forgetfulness? Was it honesty? Or revenge? Was it inadvertent? Or on purpose? 3. I didn‟t try very hard To figure out what it was Or wasn‟t And maybe that was because I was afraid of what I might find. *****

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y Small Minds In Big Bodies 10-16-2015 The developmental lag between mind and body. _____ 1. Kids just donâ&#x20AC;&#x;t have any idea Of the consequences of their actions. And even if they did Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s never a mature or complete one And usually off the mark from reality. 2. Kids are small minds In big bodies â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Big bodies that can do Horribly adult things. 3. Kids have small minds And little experience or understanding About conscience, life and consequences. 4. Small minds In big, clumsy and formidable bodies Who are often their own worst enemies. *****

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y Temptation 11-1-2015 Fight it or embrace it? _____ 1. Temptation − Sometimes you should fight it And sometimes you should give in. 2. Some temptations are not temptations to sin But rather innocent and natural inclinations That should be listened to and obeyed. 3. Temptation − It‟s a matter of definition. And their definitions often depend on the times. The things you should avoid Today Often become what you should embrace Tomorrow. Yesterday‟s curse Is often Tomorrow‟s blessing. 4. Temptation – It‟s an ever changing thing. *****

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y Dieting 11-10-2015 The torture of dieting. _____ 1. I‟m on a diet and it‟s hard discipline. If I were out working in the office or the yard My mind and body would be distracted From the tortures of dieting. But just sitting here Between meals Editing my poems or watching TV Right next to the refrigerator Is pure torture. 2. The food spirits are like Valkyries Who unrelentingly taunt and dance in front of me With their tempting sights and smells For all of those 5 or 6 hours Between my tiny meals. 3. And all that while My mind is constantly prowling in the refrigerator − Window shopping − So much so that I often get frostbite. *****

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y Snap, Crackle And Pop 11-13-2015 The origins of the name crack cocaine. _____ 1. Crack cocaine – The cheap and highly addictive drug That really hit the scene In the 1970s and 80s. 2. It was the drug That replaced the more expensive And former drug of choice, heroin. 3. Crack cocaine – The drug that wiped out Entire poor and middle class neighborhoods And created an epidemic Of prostitution and violent crime. 4. Crack cocaine – Its name comes from The crackling sound it makes When you smoke it.

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5. Crack cocaine – Its name is deceiving And derived from its innocent cereal name sake – Rice Krispies Whose slogan comes from the similar sounds it makes When you pour milk on it – The sounds of Snap, crackle and pop. 6. Snap, crackle and pop: From Rice Krispies − The cereal. And from crack cocaine − The serial killer. *****

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y Between Two Vanishing Points 11-14-2015 What‟s ahead and behind me. _____ 1. At the head of the train I‟m looking out into the future Seeing all the tracks in the distance up ahead Converging to a vanishing point. 2. And when I move to the rear of the train And stand on the viewing platform of its caboose I see all the tracks of my past Also converging to a vanishing point. 3. So here I am Feeling the thrill of train‟s movement under me But wondering If it‟s all just a beguiling distraction For in fact and substance I‟m just transiting Between two vanishing points.

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4. So here I am Between two vanishing points – Whose beginning and end Are nothing more Than a pin point each On two diminishing horizons. 5. So here I am Just coming from And going to Two vanishing points. 6. Is this true journey of our lives? – Going from one pinpoint to another? – Going from one void to another? − Going from one vanishing point to another And ultimately vanishing too? I guess it is And no denying it. *****

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y Giving Me Pause 6-6-2015 Love appreciated? _____ 1. I will search for you In a thousand lifetimes And wait for you After every one. 2. And if I were to do so Would you accept And appreciate it As my offer of love? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;m not so sure. 3. And this worry Gives me pause About the worth and prospect Of anything and everything I do for you. *****

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y Mothers And Sons 6-15-2015 The way things are between mothers and sons. _____ 1. When he was wounded And thought he was dying He cried out for his mother. 2. And when his personal life Collapsed around him He ran to his mother for comfort. 3. And when he was on his deathbed Looking at the ceiling Alone and waiting for his end He moaned for his mother And told her he was coming. 4. Sonâ&#x20AC;&#x;s cry out for their mothers Not their fathers As thatâ&#x20AC;&#x;s just the way it is in nature Between mothers and sons. *****

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y A Lesson Learned 8-17-2015 A mugging attempt in Newark. _____ 1. I left the Prudential office early One summer afternoon, at about 4 pm Which was very unusual for me. 2. As I was walking down the stairs To catch the Newark subway I noticed a gang of young blacks Hanging out on the stairs. Some were standing and some were sitting. 3. When I tried to get around them They blocked my way And then accosted me By grabbing my arms and legs. 4. I pushed, yanked, swung and kicked at them Not aiming to hurt them that much As I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t want to stir up a hornetsâ&#x20AC;&#x; nest And get them really mad But rather just do enough to get away.

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5. I thought they might just be testing me To see if I was an easy and cooperative mark And felt that if that were the case And I could just impress upon them That I wouldn‟t be so easy And might be too much trouble for them They‟d just let me go In favor of an easier target. So I just kept pushing and pulling Trying to get away. 6. Of course if they were determined It would be an entirely different story. 7. For some reason I didn‟t yell for help Or act like a crazy person Which I probably should have done As I knew from my Brooklyn days That making loud noises usually deters attackers As it draws unwanted attention. I also knew that acting like a crazy person helps as well For no one wants to deal with a crazy person. 8. That‟s what we used to say and do In the old neighborhood “Act like a crazy person and yell like hell.” That was the street smart thing to do And the thing that usually worked. “Don‟t try to duke it out Just yell and act like you‟re crazy.”

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9. As it turned out My swinging, pushing and pulling away Was enough to crack their resolve And for me to break free And make it down the stairs And onto the platform. 10. But as soon as I got there I saw that I had a new problem In that if they decided to follow me I was trapped in the station. 11. On the stairs I had an avenue of escape Namely into the open streets. But on the platform I had nowhere to go. 12. I looked behind me But they werenâ&#x20AC;&#x;t there. They had apparently given up. 13. Although I was saved that day I feared that I might meet them again on another day But I never did And that was because I had learned my lesson And never again left the office early. ***** 163

y The Margins Of Error And Luck 8-17-2015 My text book saved me. _____ 1. When I was working my way through college As a messenger for Citibank (At that time, “The First National City Bank of New York”) I used to bring my text books with me So that I could study on the busses and trains To and from home, school and work And on my way to making my deliveries. 2. I went to school In an old loft building in downtown Manhattan From 7 am to noon, Ate a sandwich that I made at home Then worked from noon to 7 pm. 3. One night on my way home after work There were no seats on the train So I stood with my back against the conductor‟s cabin Which was right next to the door That led to the next car.

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4. A guy came up to me on my left and stopped. I didn‟t look over at him As it‟s sometimes a good practice in New York Not to make any animal eye-contact For you never know what animals you may meet. That was the unwritten law. Instead you should just be on guard And watch for any sound or movement − Like a ninja would. 5. After some time He was still just standing there So I looked over at him in a nonthreatening way. He never said anything But rather only stared at me. 6. I thought that maybe He might want to pass through to the other car So I pressed my back closer against the conductor‟s cabin And lifted my book up and held it firmly against my chest To accommodate his passing For which he which he had plenty of room to do. 7. I guess that wasn‟t good enough for him Or more likely He was just out for trouble For when he reached over to open the door And we were breast to breast He pulled out a knife And stabbed the book on my chest.

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8. I remember feeling How hard he stabbed that book For when he pulled the knife out The book came with it Requiring me to pull back on it So I wouldn‟t lose it. 9. Before I knew it He was through the door And into the next car. And when I looked into the other car I saw him looking back at me With a madman‟s look on his face. The look on my face On the other hand Was that of a shocked school boy Who couldn‟t fully believe what had just happened. 10. After that last shared look between us He was gone – Either lost in the crowd or off the train. 11. I remember wondering Whether he really wanted to stab me And that if I didn‟t have my book He would have. I also wondered If he wanted to kill me Or just scare me.

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12. I reenacted that event In the minutes and years after it happened Going over a million what-if scenarios. 13. This all happened on the IRT train In the tunnel Between the Wall Street station in Manhattan And the Clark Street station in Brooklyn. 14. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s scary to think of What might have happened If things had happened One second earlier or later, One inch more to the left or to the right, One inch higher or lower, Or one minor action or reaction of his or mine That was different from what actually happened As most tragedies happen Exactly within those little margins Of error. 15. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s equally scary to think of What might have happened If things had happened Outside of that other And larger margin Called luck. *****

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y My Telltale Heart 6-20-2015 Finding the source of a sound. _____ 1. I was distracted from my reading By a pounding noise I heard. I stopped and listened But couldn‟t tell Where it was coming from. 2. Still hearing it I looked up at the TV Thinking it might be from there. I listened, but still wasn‟t sure. 3. The sound persisted So I turned off the TV. It wasn‟t the TV. 4. I then got up and listened outside. It wasn‟t from outside either. It was my heart.

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5. I wasn‟t excited Or particularly worried about anything Or stressed out in any way That would have made my heart Beat so loudly So all that I was hearing Was it simply and naturally Resonating in my body – But why so loud? 6. With my body being a hollow chamber My heart was beating on it normally Like a drum But for some reason it had found A sympathetic frequency That greatly amplified its sound Throughout my entire body. 7. So now Whenever I hear That pounding sound in my ears. I check the TV or outside Just in case. But if that‟s not it I know It‟s just my telltale heart. *****

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y The New-Old Us (On Mom And I) 8-3-2015 Mom and I aging. _____ 1. When I was young I remember looking at old people and noticing How pale and colorless their hair and skin were; How their skin sagged; How their clothes never seemed to fit, How they had no gait to their walk But rather just waddled or shuffled along And how every movement was slow and laborious. 2. I remember studying them As if they were laboratory mice Or creatures from another planet And creatures that I just couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t identify with. 3. But now here we are â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Mom and I, Having just arrived from that other planet To this new planet Inhabited by nothing but youngsters.

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4. Here we are now All gray, slow, sagging and wobbly. We have arrived. 5. We never thought we‟d ever be So far removed from the trunk of our youth – But here we are Way out there now On this gnarled, weathered and drooping limb. 6. We never thought we‟d ever become Specimens ourselves But here we are – The new-old us − The newly arrived specimens Who are now being observed and studied By others, in the laboratory And by ourselves, in the mirror With equal incredulousness. *****

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“There’s No One In 302” 6-25-2015 Neatness doesn‟t pay sometimes. A Navy story. _____ 1. During night operations in the North Pacific Our ship was cut in half by another ship. It was a miracle We didn‟t explode or sink. 2. After the collision The ship went into dry dock in Pearl Harbor For extensive repairs And I was put up, along with the other officers, In the BOQ (Bachelor Officers Quarters) And assigned to Room 302. 3. During my first weeks there I noticed that my sheets and towels Had not been changed. So I went down to the front desk And asked what the story was Where I was told, “There‟s no one in Room 302.”

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4. Incredulously, I replied, “But I’m in 302.” The clerk checked again and reiterated, “There‟s no one in 302” And added, “Every time the stewards go into 302 They see that the room had not been disturbed.” I knew then Exactly what was going on. 5. With my mother having died so young And my having to do a lot of the housekeeping chores That she had always done Coupled with the fact That I‟m a very neat person by nature − Like Felix Unger on the TV program, “The Odd Couple” – I was used to picking up after myself. So with my prior housekeeping training And being a neat freak by nature I just hated to see anything out of place. 6. So every morning when I got up I made the bed, Put my clothes away, Folded up all the bathroom towels And put them exactly where I had found them, Put my tooth brush and shaving gear in the medicine cabinet, And left nothing on top of the dresser − And that‟s what the stewards saw – Nothing.

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7. So in order to make sure That I‟d get cleaning services for my room I had to keep it messy Which was for me Like someone scraping their finger nails Across a chalkboard – But you gotta do What you gotta do. 8. It‟s ironic and disconcerting Isn‟t it That no good deed Goes unpunished? *****

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y She Had No Reply To That 11-21-2015 What he married her for. _____ 1. He didn‟t make love to her anymore And that made her feel Insecure and self conscious About herself And their relationship. 2. But he was a good man And good to her. And besides they were getting on in years And that‟s sometimes to be expected. So she had mixed emotions about it all. 3. She tried to be thankful For what she had Rather than For what she didn‟t have.

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4. She also made excuses for him On his side By telling herself, That nobody‟s perfect. And on her side By telling herself, Not to feel sorry for herself. 5. And when she confronted him about it Which she tortured over doing He took her hand in his And softly looked into her eyes And said, “Dearest, I married you for love, For always And for better or worse.” 6. With heartfelt love And tears in her eyes She looked into his kind and gentle face And couldn‟t say anything For she had no reply to that. *****

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y Only A Virus 5-3-2015 The homocentric view we have of ourselves. _____ 1. Fear has a beginning But no end. Light bursts out from the dark in a second, But travels on forever. Life begins But breeds in perpetuity. 2. Life starts out as a virus, And then advances in complexity Until it develops itself into man And then continues on working For whatever is next. 3. But despite its complex brain And remarkable bodily dexterity Man is still a virus Just more advanced.

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4. Kind of demeaning, you say? − To think we‟re this elite and superior life form Yet still a strain of lowly virus? 5. It shouldn‟t be though For we should take pride In who we are And how far we‟ve come. 6. The knowledge about who we are and our origins Should serve two complementary And self-balancing purposes. Firstly The long and admirable journey of our advancement, The level of sophistication that we‟ve achieved And our superiority over all others Should make us proud. And Secondly The knowledge about our primitive origins Should serve to keep us humble and grounded And not so full of ourselves and feeling That we‟re so much better than the other life forms That co-exist with us. 7. Having said that And be that as it may This homocentric view that we have of ourselves Is a hard thing to overcome. ***** 178

“Will You Be My Subject?” (A True Dental Story # 1) 7-15-2015 An invitation. _____ 1. I‟ve always had bad teeth and gums And seen a lot of dentists and surgeons in my day – Both regular and specialists – And looked into countless dental lights and ceilings. 2. One time during an appointment with a new dentist He mentioned that he was teaching at a dental school And asked if I would like to be the subject in his classes. 3. When I asked, “Why me?” He said, “Well, it‟s because you‟ve had Every kind dental and gum procedure done on earth And every kind of filling and crown So your mouth Would serve as a perfect learning exhibit.

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4. “By looking into your mouth”, He continued, “I could show my students How it was done in the old days Compared to how it‟s done today. By using your mouth as an example I could show my students What good teeth and bad teeth look like − What are the good procedures and what are the bad ones – And what‟s the right way to do something and the wrong way.” 5. “Your mouth‟s a virtual museum”, he boasted, “And I can show them everything I need to show them In just one mouth – your mouth.” 6. I didn‟t know exactly how to take it. I didn‟t know if I should be flattered or insulted – Feel honored or slighted – Or feel special or like a freak. 7. Anyway, I thanked him for his offer, but declined. Having sat in so many dental chairs Involuntarily I wasn‟t about to sit in another one Voluntarily. *****

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y Return Winks (A True Dental Story # 2) 7-15-2015 An uncomfortable walk in Greenwich Village, New York. _____ 1. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x;ve always had bad teeth With cavities that had to be drilled out so deep That they regularly hit the nerve And left holes as large and deep as volcanoes. 2. And when more decay was discovered The large old fillings had to be laboriously drilled out Before even getting to the new decay Which then made the craters even larger and deeper. 3. Going to the dentist therefore Was always a long, draining and painful process Both physically and emotionally. 4. In addition to their depth and proximity to the nerve I have a low threshold of pain Which always required me To get my share of Novocain shots.

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5. One time when I was in Dr. Goldstein‟s office Getting a large filling worked on I got my normal shots of Novocain. But when he began drilling I winced from the pain. So he gave me another shot. But I winced again And almost catapulted out of the chair. So he gave me another. And another. And another. And another. About eight shots or more in all As best I can recall. It was a record for the both of us. (Today it‟s illegal to give that many shots − And maybe even back then too.) 6. Finally though He was able to work on me And finish the job. 7. When I left his office And was walking down the street I was a little wobbly And remember having a little difficulty Negotiating the curbs and dodging traffic. I was all drugged up And in a bit of a daze.

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8. Dr. Goldstein‟s office was in Greenwich Village Where there were a lot of gays And as I walked down the street I noticed them winking at me And sometimes even blowing kisses. 9. Every time I looked at them they winked. I couldn‟t figure out for the life of me Why they were all winking at me. I felt very uncomfortable And for the first time Had a real appreciation for how women feel When they walk past a construction site With all the guys eying and hooting at them. 10. Anyway, when I passed a delicatessen window I noticed in my reflection That only my left eye was blinking. 11. What had happened was I had gotten so many shots of Novocain on my right side That the whole right side of my face Had not only gone numb But had also become immobilized So that when I blinked only my left eye would blink – I was winking! And that‟s why I was getting what turned out to be Return winks!

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12. I quickly ducked into a drug store A few doors down the street And bought a pair of sun glasses Which thankfully solved the problem. I was now safe and no longer â&#x20AC;&#x153;flirtingâ&#x20AC;? And got no more return winks. 13. By getting so many shots of Novocain I had inadvertently traded One source of discomfort For another. *****

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y My Cooking Channel (On Mom) 11-17-2015 Watching Mom prepare our meals. _____ 1. I love to watch Mom Preparing our meals. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x;s both interesting and artistic. 2. Watching her move From stove to sink to refrigerator Is a study in motion, dedication, talent And love. 3. Watching her Gives me a sense of appreciation For having a wife Who loves and takes the time to cook And takes pride in her culinary skills.

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4. She chops up an array of fresh vegetables Of all different colors, sizes and shapes And places them on and in A gallery of dishes and bowls Like works of art on display − Like an artistic display Of color, shape, smell and arrangement. 5. And with her meats and fish She spends so much time Diligently cleaning and cutting off all the fat So that it‟s nice and lean. Then she‟ll marinate it Sometimes for days. 6. She cooks a full range of nationalities and styles including Frying, broiling, grilling, baking, boiling and stewing And uses a full array of pots and pans. And as she cooks I respectively sit, watch, listen and smell The rising smoke and steam, The sizzling noises in the pan And the tempting aromas that fill the room. 7. She also makes a variety of soups From the broth and spare pieces Of her main dishes So that nothing‟s ever wasted.

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8. And when she brings them all together They become an appealing culinary masterpiece Of color, design and bouquet. Each dish is like looking at a painting That I sometimes step back from And just soak in In appreciation for both The work itself And the artist. 9. Sometimes I look at the plate And hesitate to disturb Its beautifully balanced presentation And collection of shapes and colors So attractively garnished, Steaming hot on the plate And irresistible. 10. And when I eat That organic work of art of hers I get the additional thrill and pleasure Of knowing that it‟s both delicious And full of nutrition. 11. Her dishes are always A healthy and satisfying delight – Actually they‟re more than a delight And more like A culinary experience.

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12. Watching Mom Prepare, cook and serve her dishes Is like watching the Cooking Channel. 13. Oh how lucky am I To have my own dedicated And personal TV chef in the house To satisfy not only my stomach But also my heart. *****

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y Who Better? 1-30-2015 Waiting to be coaxed. _____ 1. Being in the open was a little threatening for me So I stayed out of your bright light And kept to the shadows Where I felt more comfortable And safe. 2. But even though I‟d heard so much about you, Sun − About your warm and enriching light From so many others Who had bathed in and endorsed your gifts − I was still wary. 3. But now After so many years in hiding I may finally be ready to come out and try it. But I need a little coaxing, Sun And who better to do that Than you? *****

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y The Call Of A Blue Jay 11-18-2015 Remembering the calls of the Blue Jays at Aunt Jennieâ&#x20AC;&#x;s place. _____ 1. I was outside raking leaves When I heard a Blue Jay call. 2. That little guttural and musical call Brought me back to the times When I was at my Aunt Jennieâ&#x20AC;&#x;s two-room cabin In Mountain Springs, New Jersey 3. One minute I was standing in my yard And the next minute After hearing that Blue Jay call I was standing in her yard And 12 years old again.

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4. I remember so many Blue Jays Darting all around her yard Loudly calling out to each other. It was a sound back then That I heard But didn‟t fully appreciate. 5. But now, with age Comes the perspective and appreciation Of things I didn‟t and couldn‟t have Back then. Now, with age Things all come together. Now, with age What had only been 2 dimensional before Becomes 3 dimensional. 6. I haven‟t seen or heard that many Blue Jays In my yard But with that one call I was transported back to Aunt Jennie‟s. 7. With that one Blue Jay call I was standing in the middle of her yard again − This time listening − As I‟ve never listened before. *****

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y I Know What It Was To Be Young 8-20-2015 On aging. Inspired by the narrated song on the next page. ______ 1. I know what it was to be young And now I‟m finding out What it means to be old. 2. But being old is still new to me And I‟ve got a lot to learn That will take me The rest of my life. 3. After summer, comes winter. Then summer and winter again And again, and again Until one day The sky goes dark on me. 4. I know what it was to be young And now I‟m finding out What it means to be old. *****

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y I Know What It Is To Be Young (But You Don't Know What It Is To Be Old) 8-20-2015 (Song written by Jerry Abbott) (Lyrics narrated by Orson Welles) _____ ~ When we are young, age has no meaning And I never gave it a second thought Until one day, along came this old man And this is what he said to me. ~ I know what it is to be young But you, you don‟t know what it is to be old. Someday you‟ll be saying the same thing Time takes away, so the story is told. ~ I‟ve asked so many questions To the wise men I‟ve met But couldn‟t find all the answers − No one has as yet. There‟ll be days to remember Full of laughter and tears. After summer, comes winter and so go the years. So my friend Let‟s make music together. I‟ll play the old while you sing me the new. In time when your young days are over There‟ll be someone sharing their time with you.

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~ I know what it is to be young But you, you don‟t know what it is to be old. ~ So my friend. Let‟s make music together. I‟ll play the old while you sing me the new In time when your young days are over There'll be someone sharing their time with you. ~ There‟ll be someone sharing their time with you. *****

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y Liberty Street 3-2-2015 Déjà vu. ______ 1. I looked up and saw the street sign. It said Liberty Street. Liberty Street? I racked my brain Thinking that I‟d been here before But didn‟t know when or why. 2. Liberty Street. Déjà vu. 3. Liberty Street? Liberty Street? When was I last on Liberty Street? I know I was here before But can‟t remember when or why. 4. Liberty Street? Déjà vu. *****

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y A Letter From The IRS 9-26-2015 Waiting nervously for a possible letter from the IRS. _____ 1. I‟ve always been a little aggressive with my taxes And worry that I‟ll be audited by the IRS And they‟ll find some irregularities For which I‟ll have to pay Additional taxes, interest and maybe penalties. 2. But worse I worry that whatever they find Might cause them to review my past returns Which might not only require me to pay more taxes, etc. But also, who knows Maybe even face tax evasion charges of some sort. 3. In defense of my tax aggressiveness I feel that the government firstly, extracts excessive taxes And secondly, criminally wastes it. I also believe it‟s a form of taxation without representation Against which I feel I have no defense Except to cheat a little to get at least some of it back And my only means of silent and effective protest.

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4. To put things into better perspective I report every bit of income − Which is the most important thing When you‟re filing your tax return − And just exaggerate on the deductions I take. 5. So every time I go out and get the mail My hearts pounds From the daily anticipated fear That I‟ll find a dreaded letter From the IRS. *****

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y Just Down The Street (On Judy) 11-16-2015 A model family for me. _____ 1. Whenever I go over to Judy‟s house – Just down the street − I always come home With conflicting emotions. 2. When I visit Judy Her Mom and Dad are usually there. And as I watch the three of them Interact with each other I get a warm feeling About what a family should be like And can‟t help comparing How different it is from my family – Just down the street.

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3. In my family We don‟t have a mother And have a father who‟s emotionally broken, Unemployed and difficult to live with. In my family There are 6 kids All with their own needs and troubles. In my family There‟s a lot of fighting, stress and confusion And nothing‟s stable or predicable – Like it is, just down the street. 4. Judy‟s home has a mutual support system That has some kind of magic glue to it That keeps it together. Her home is a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces Fit neatly together and form a nice picture Whereas my puzzle, has a lot of pieces missing, Has to be forced together And doesn‟t show such a pretty picture – Just down the street. 5. I‟m sure that Judy‟s family Has its pimples and rough spots Like all families do But it‟s not anything like mine − Just down the street.

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6. When I go over to Judy‟s I see her family as a model Of how things ought to be And how I wish they would be in mine − Just down the street. 7. It‟s sad and ironic That things could be so different Between two houses That aren‟t that far from each other − And only, just down the street *****

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y Lobsters For Easter Dinner (On The Family) 9-27-2015 Feeling some guilt over the lobster dinner we had. _____ 1. Mom was in the Philippines And Leandra volunteered to cook Easter dinner. She chose lobsters And both Kerry and I were up for that. 2. The day before Easter She bought three live lobsters home And when I looked at them I felt so guilty Knowing that we were going to kill and eat them The very next day. 3. We wrapped them in newspapers And put them in the refrigerator To make them dormant and keep them alive. 4. Poor innocent things â&#x2C6;&#x2019; They had no idea where they were And what was in store for them.

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5. That feeling stayed with me And I thought about them all night All cramped up there in the refrigerator. In my mind I imagined them moving a little Which made me feel even worse. 6. When tomorrow came We took these poor little creatures out And put them in the sink. One by one we saw each of them move So we knew they were still alive. 7. Then we filled a big pot with water, Turned on the stove And waited for it to come to a boil In preparation for their executions â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Of being boiled alive. 8. And as we waited I lamented about how life forces us Into such cruel and awkward situations. 9. It seemed like forever But the water finally began to boil. It was time.

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10. As I picked up the first one. It struggled a little in my hand. I then swung it over the pot And, with a silent prayer asking for its forgiveness, Placed it into the boiling water. 11. Then I did the same with the second one. And then the third. 12. I tried to estimate When they all would be dead – When the deed would be done – When those poor things Would be out of their suffering. 13. I counted down As if I knew how long it would take And feeling terrible With every second I counted. 14. It wasn‟t supposed to feel this way. It was just supposed to be a simple Easter dinner. But unlike most other dinners The dirty work of killing Was usually taken care of by someone else And you could just enjoy your meal guilt free And not have to deal with the cruel reality of anything.

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15. This meal however Was different from the others â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Very different And very personal Where we were directly involved In both the planning and the execution â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Where we had blood on our hands And were direct participants In the stark brutality of it all. 16. Three serial killings. One right after the other. Their three lives Sacrificed for our three lives. Each one of their lives For each one of ours. They had to die So that we could live. 17. How is it that this is the way things are In life and the world in general? Why is it set up this way? And who would do such a thing And drag us into it like this? *****

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y A Tale Of Two Cities: 10-5-2015 Remembering New York in the 1960s and 70s. _____ 1. Brooklyn, and all of New York City in general, Have much improved over the years And I‟m very happy about that For I remember a time When things were quite the opposite. 2. I was born in the 1940s − A period during, and some years after, World War II When things weren‟t all that bad As far as I can remember at that age And from all I‟ve heard from others about those years. 3. Then came the 1950‟s When I was in my early teens When Rock and Roll was born, When street gangs began to emerge And when drugs started to spread. Things were changing And not for the better.

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4. Then came the 1960s and 70s When I was in my late teens, 20‟s and 30‟s Which were the worst years in New York. 5. The 60s and 70s were periods Of severe social and economic turmoil and decay That affected you directly – Your family, TV, schools, your job and the streets. It was everywhere and affected everything. 6. It was a time when industry and commerce Was leaving New York, big time. It was a time when working class whites Were fleeing to the suburbs in droves Because their neighborhoods Had become racked with drugs and crime. More than a million people left the city. Even the Brooklyn Dodgers And New York Giants baseball teams Got out of Dodge. And to make matters worse The Brooklyn Navy Yard was shut down.

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7. In my old neighborhood And all around the city There were gangs â&#x20AC;&#x201C; From informal street gangs to the Mafia. Many of the police were on the take In one way or the other. And if and when progress was made In getting the some Mafioso wise guys to trial The jury would be threatened or bribed Or witnesses would come up dead One after the other. 8. Heroin was bad enough back then But when cheap and highly addictive crack Hit the streets in the 60s and 70s It became epidemic Where whole families and neighborhoods Were decimated And blue-collar neighborhoods deteriorated Into centers of drugs and crime.

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9. During the 60s and 70s People were on welfare in record numbers Which brought New York City – The Emerald City – The Empire City – The former rich and thriving city Of Wall Street, Rockefeller Center, Times Square, Central Park, And the Empire State Building − To the brink of bankruptcy and complete social collapse. Strip clubs, prostitutes, pimps and adult businesses Filled Times Square. Central Park became a no-man‟s land Due the extent of muggings, rapes and murders. Homeless people and drug dealers Occupied boarded-up and abandoned buildings Which were everywhere. 10. There were strikes all the time – The transit workers, the teachers and the sanitation workers Topped off with police and firefighters‟ slowdowns To name a few. As a result The subways and buses were shut down So people couldn‟t get to work And kids, having no teachers or transportation, Didn‟t go to school.

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11. Decaying garbage piled up in the streets 15 feet high in some spots And so much so That you sometimes couldn‟t use the sidewalks And had to walk in the street. The rotting garbage smelled so bad that you‟d gag And was so thick in the air That you could taste it in your mouth And feel it going into your lungs. Often these garbage piles “caught” fire And the smoke and smell from them Made it look and feel like a war zone. 12. There were also Infrastructure and mechanical breakdowns Everywhere. The city subway system itself was declared unsafe Due to ill-maintained trains and the muggers that prowled them, The city‟s prisons were bulging from overcrowding And there was social disorder and dysfunction everywhere. 13. There were also two major power blackouts Which precipitated widespread crime and looting And there were violent riots and protests almost every day, Including race riots. The homosexuals were also rioting. Religious and racial tensions were at all time highs Which affected everyone‟s attitude in the streets. And the entire police department was under investigation For widespread corruption Precipitated by the honest cop, Frank Serpico.

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14. There were national problems too That compounded New York‟s problems: There was the Cuban Missile Crisis That nearly started a nuclear world war; The assassinations of President Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, And Martin Luther King; An oil embargo which had cars lined up, up to a mile; The resignation of President Nixon; The Hippy, free-love and psychedelics drug movements; And of course there were The Anti (Vietnam) War riots and protests That ripped the entire country apart. 15. These were very bad times that affected your whole being But that strangely you navigated through Because they came so fast and frequent That you didn‟t have time to think too much About them collectively And rather just had to deal with them One by one as each one came. They just seemed like they were all Just part of your daily stressful life. 16. It was like a war you were in Where one horrific thing happened after the other And something to be expected. It was like an accident you were involved in Where you couldn‟t tell how hurt you were Until much latter When you had the time to think about it.

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17. It was only afterwards when you looked back Could you grasp the magnitude of the situation in the 60s and 70s And wonder how you ever got through it. It was only when you stepped back And added it all up and connected all the dots Could you get the true picture of how it was back then. It was only from the perspective Of comparing things today To the way they used to be Could you assess how bad things actually were. 18. Similarly It‟s only when I compare the new and revived city of today To the old corrupt, drug infested and crime-ridden city That I grew up in and navigated through during those years That I can I appreciate what we all went through back then. And thank god That I couldn‟t put it all together back then For if I did It would have been overwhelming. 19. In conclusion: It‟s not to say that things are perfect now For the city still has its big-city problems. It‟s just to say That it‟s so much better than what it was And comparatively speaking It‟s almost a tale Of two different cities. ***** 211

y The Killing Zone 10-9-2015 That special zone of age. _____ 1. When you cross over into the 70s You‟ve entered the killing zone – The zone where you might possibly die Somewhere in it. 2. It‟s the zone from where you can look back And feel lucky that you made it that far But also where you feel vulnerable In that you‟re no longer protected by your youth. 3. It‟s also the zone Where you appreciate Every breath and step you take And have anxious hopes for the next one. 4. You‟re in your 70s now In that strange zone where at any time Your next step, could be your last. *****

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y Waiting For Bad News (On My Children) 10-10-2015 About my kids and their jobs. _____ 1. Having lost many jobs During my career I‟m very sensitive about job retention And always worry about The security of my children‟s jobs. 2. When Leandra comes home I wait for that possible news: “Dad, I‟ve been let go.” 3. And when she comes home a little late I always wonder If something happened at work. 4. And when Kerry calls I often hesitate to pick up the phone And brace myself For what I might hear from him: “Dad, I‟m out of a job.”

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5. Although I don‟t think I‟m being paranoid about it With the past experience I‟ve had With my jobs I‟m always worried about them And their jobs. 6. Love and experience Have brought me to this anxious And worrisome point in life – No longer for me anymore But for them. *****

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Grandma Hackett’s Business Advice 8-25-2015 My grandmother gave me some earthy advice one time. _____ 1. When I was in college My Irish Grandmother Who had only been a seamstress in life Gave me some keen business advice. 2. She said, Neil If you‟re going to buy some stock in a company Look at their annual report And see who the owners and officers are. If they‟re O‟Brien, Sweeney and Murphy Don‟t buy it. If they‟re Shapiro, Horowitz and Bernstein Buy it. 3. I‟m sure there was a lot of gut and elderly wisdom Behind that advice – About who, from her experience, Might be better business men And who might best keep their eye on the ball. *****

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y A Good Personality 8-25-2015 A good personality means everything in life. _____ 1. Oh, how a good personality Can keep your head clear, Your heart light And your face inviting. And how it can also keep you afloat When youâ&#x20AC;&#x;re in deep water And nearly drowning. 2. And oh, how a poor personality On the other hand Can make your head confused, Your heart heavy And your face disagreeable to the world. And how it can also become A weight around your neck That could easily drown you. 3. A good personality Is a priceless gift And a god-given blessing. *****

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y Taking Turns (On Family) 10-1-2015 Watching a neighborâ&#x20AC;&#x;s children come and go in vigil. _____ 1. Across the road I see the cars in Sorayaâ&#x20AC;&#x;s driveway Come and go. Soraya is an old and frail lady now Who needs full time attention And the cars were those of her children Taking turns in taking care of her. 2. Their methodical and frequent Comings and goings Represented their loyalty And sense of responsibility to her As their parent. 3. And as I watch I project ahead with hope That our children will do the same for us When Mom and I might need them to. *****

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y Going To The Philippines (On Mom) 8-18-2015 Mom and her Filipino programs. _____ 1. About mid afternoon The house gets more noticeably quiet And lonely. 2. I look around And see that Mom had left the room And gone upstairs. 3. She‟s off to the Philippines − Off to her room To watch her Filipino soap operas on TV. 4. Mom‟s in the Philippines – On the international trip she takes Every afternoon. *****

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y Those Bell Bottom Pants 2-4-2015 Recognizing something familiar. _____ 1. My eyes slowly closed. And when they opened again I found myself lying on the floor Looking at the bottoms Of a pair of someone‟s bell-bottom pants And black pointy shoes. That‟s when I knew that I had died And had arrived in another world. 2. And yes, while it was a different world that I was in It was one that had at least something in it That I could relate to – Those bell bottom pants and pointy shoes Which were in style when I was growing up. 3. When I saw those bell bottom pants I knew that I had died But was in a place Where not everything would be alien to me. *****

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y Well, Almost Anything 11-19-2015 Everyone thought he wouldn‟t break. _____ 1. He was a bulk of a man And everyone thought That he could handle anything. 2. What could they possibly do to him That he couldn‟t handle? 3. He was that formidable And had that kind of reputation. 4. But when he came back They saw that they had reduced him To a pathetic sniveling schoolboy. 5. He was a bulk of a man That could handle anything – Well, almost anything. *****

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y Corny 11-19-2015 Perception and reality. _____ 1. He thought he was clever and funny With all his little Puns, analogies and quips. 2. And while he sometimes was He was mostly Plain old corny. 3. Some defended him Saying that although he was corny They shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x;t tell him that But rather be Christian about it And indulge him a little.

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4. And yes Although he was corny And even annoying at times Some felt that they should be A generous about it And cut him some slack For what‟s the harm In being a little corny? 5. Those that defended him Didn‟t want to destroy His harmless innocence And turn him into A disappointed, Disillusioned And disaffected cynic For they felt There were too many of those around Already.” *****

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y Just Another Ponzi Scheme 11-21-2015 The constant flow of new customers. _____ 1. “It stops your coughing all day.” “It gives you 24 hours of relief.” “You can go to work the very next day.” “It‟s almost like a miracle.” “It stops congestion right away.” “It provides relief in only 1 hour.” 2. They‟re all lies Or at least Gross exaggerations But they work And get you to buy their product. 3. And if the product fails and defrauds you And you never return as a customer It doesn‟t much matter For they‟ve gotten your money And they‟ll always be A new customer to replace you Who‟s looking for “Instant Relief.”

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4. So, as long as new customers are drawn in Through false advertisements To replace the lost and disenfranchised customers – So long as there‟s a constant flow of new customers − The company will go on For that‟s the way a Ponzi scheme – Corporate or otherwise – Works. 5. And as W.C. Fields always said, “There‟s a sucker born every day.” *****

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