f Poems of Neil Michelsen
Volume 22 2019
f
f Dedication
To my family
Neil Michelsen 2017
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f Preface
I began writing in Brooklyn in 1960 when I had just turned 17. That was the year my mother died and my first poem was about her death. I started out writing traditional or classical style poetry with strict form, rhyming and meter. Later, while the poems had meter, they became less classical in form and more like what might be called blank verse. Many poems take the form of essays or plain old storytelling but in metered form but all represent my observations, experiences and personal feelings. As I age, more of them are about aging. Many also have a melancholy bent to them. 2,000 poems were written between 1960 and 2018 and compiled in a self-published series of 21 hard bound books. Volume 19 represented a selection of poems from Volumes 1-18 that I thought were my better ones and or personally more meaningful to me. This volume, Volume 22, is a continuation of that series and contains an additional 127 poems written in 2019, bringing the total to about 2,100 poems. The poems in this volume are presented in the order that I felt had better poetic style, subject matter and or personal meaning to me. I apologize for any unintended offense or controversy from anything I’ve written. Also, not being professionally edited, please excuse any deficiencies in poetic form, poor grammar, typos or spelling errors. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my personal journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family and music movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and little marks in life, and as a personal inheritance to my family.
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Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1 I Am The Tide 2 The Man Who Wasn't There 3 His Dream Life 4 Not A Doer 5 Three Images At The Sink 6 On My Way To 80 7 The Sundial At Princeton 8 Indian Giver 9 The Only Two In The World 10 A Senior Citizen's Nap Pass 11 "You Should Be Doing Better Things" 12 Crossing Paths 13 An Exception To The Rule 14 I Can Hear Them Talking 15 I Know Love When I See It 16 Inertia 17 Something That Couldn't Be Delegated 18 No Loss In Gate 19 That Old Yellow Kitchen Light 20 A Genius's Blind Spot 21 A Communication 22 Blow Out The Candle 23 The Cover Of The Book 24 Beating Life To The Punch 25 God's Silence About Everything 26 Rock, Scissors, Paper 27 I'm Gonna Smoke Myself To Death 28 Silent Movie Dreams 29 Rose Colored Glasses 30 Primal Fears 31 That Other Room 32 "Look At The Jews & The Chinese" (On My Mother) 33 An Even Bet, At Best 34 His Uncharacteristic Hugs
Pg 1 3 4 6 9 11 13 14 15 16 17 20 21 23 26 27 29 32 33 38 41 44 45 47 49 50 51 53 54 56 60 62 65 68
35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76
He Mellowed, But Did I? (On My Father And Me) You Can't Forgive The Unforgivable I Wasn't Expecting Alone With My Own Echoes Family A Wide Spot In The Road The Sun Went Cold Birth (On Aubrey Lee) Fallen Leaves And Falling Tears (On Leandra) Do You Remember Me? What To Look Forward To? Simplifying And Downsizing?: Nope With No Taste For Blood Eating Scabs And Buggies At This Stage In My Life Instant Coffee-Instant Smile (On Vi) Looking At And Through The Winter Trees But Not Just My Legs Answers In The Shadows The Sky Is Yellow A Sleeping Leaf I Watched My Father Disappear (On My Father) Just Leave Me Alone "How Many Children Do You Have?" The Funny Thing About Love (On Kerry & Bethany) Alone In A Vast And Cold Universe The Customer's Always Right Stalking 12 Years? Sounds About Right No Personalities Reading In Latin Dwellers-Squatters Seedlings Bada Bing, Bada Boom (On Kerry And Leandra) No Control Over My Worries My New Pink Room My Fellow Physicist Friends A Whisper Musical Chairs Who Would Create A World Like That? The Strange Phenomenon Of Sleep The Art Of Falling
70 73 74 77 79 80 81 82 84 86 88 89 91 93 94 96 98 100 101 102 103 104 107 108 109 112 114 116 118 119 120 123 125 126 128 129 131 134 135 138 140 142
77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118
Images "Bing" The Fourth Round of Raking The Gifts That I Don't Get (On My Children) It's The Process That Counts Easy Pickings−Easy Life Only Getting It Half Done Helpless On Purpose? (Remembering Bich-Thuy) No Beginning Or End Newton's Revenge Every Dog Has His Day The Same And Different That Much Worse (On My Father And Mother) Cold Water In My Face (On Bich-Thuy And Vi) A Prophet Rather Than A God Not Opposite At All An Unweeded Garden Asian Women's Faces An Old Face Turned Young When My Time Is Done Colors Running Rain Only When In Crisis Mode Another Big Fight Last Night Friendless Again Understanding Makes You Lazy What Weird And Ugly Things They Are Solitary Confinement (On "Snickers") My Works and J. D. Salinger Mom's Got Another Daughter (On Mom And Bethany) Life System The Extremes And In-Betweens Impossible To Explain Free Fall At 76 One Day He Looked Different Pretending Circling The Sun Life And Love Who Will Listen To My Music? Rejection My Music−My Hope She Sat Down Next To Me (On Leandra And Kerry)
143 144 148 152 155 156 157 159 162 163 166 167 168 169 172 174 176 179 181 183 184 186 188 190 192 194 195 198 201 203 204 206 207 208 210 211 212 213 214 216 217 219
119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127
More Than Enough Cheap Shots Unfinished Sketches Before You Point Rough Around The Edges You'll Have My Name, But That's All Thought Provoking Excerpts An "Innocent" Man Behind Bars The Ever-Changing Truth
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221 222 223 224 225 226 227 229 233
Poems of Neil Michelsen 2019
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I Am The Tide 3-8-2019 Pride and guilt. _____ 1. I am the Tide That obeys the Moon. 2. I am the Tide That is dragged by the Moon by the hand To make daily visits From one shore to the next Twice a day. 3. I am the Tide − Confused as to whether I am A slave to the Moon Or merely a loyal follower But one who is always in awe of it.
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4. I am the Tide That provides Nutrients to the shore But also the thing That eats it away. 5. I am also the Tide That often collaborates with the Wind As a destructive co-conspirator. 6. I am the Tide Infused with both pride and guilt Just like so many other things are In this often confusing world of ours. *****
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The Man Who Wasn't There 7-28-2019 Inspired by the 1899 poem, "Antigonish" by Willian Hughes Mearns, Also known as "The Little Man Who Wasn't There." ("Antigonish" is a Mi'Kmaq word from the indigenous natives of the Atlantic Provinces of Canada meaning: the anguish of a loss.) _____ 1. "As I was going up the stairs I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. Oh how I wish that he would stay away." 2. "When I came home last night at three, The man was waiting there for me But when I looked around the hall, I couldn't see him there at all!" ~ "Go away, go away, and don't you come back any more! Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door." ~ 3. "Last night I saw upon the stairs, A little man who wasn't there, He wasn't there again today Oh, how I wish that he would go away." ***** 3
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His Dream Life 3-18-2019 He created the life he didn't have. _____ 1. He had an unhappy life − A sad and empty life − A miserable life And really, no life at all. So He created one. 2. Each night He'd dream the dream of the life he wanted And lived it in that dream. 3. His dream Was not like most dreams That are disjoined and illogical Vanish in the morning And have no connection or continuity With the following night's dream.
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4. Rather, his dream − The dream that he forged Both out of necessity and survival − Was a serial dream A continuous dream A dream with a sequential chapter each night As in a soap opera With him being the main character. 5. How he was able to do this wasn't clear But it certainly was amazing And a testament of how strong his desire was To create a life for himself. 6. The happy dream life That he created and lived At night Offset the unhappy life he lived During the day. He lived two parallel lives Twin lives A life and an anti-life. ~ It wasn't the perfect solution But it was a solution. *****
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Not A Doer 5-3-2019 He was an influencer, not a doer. _____ 1. He never settled down on anything Rather he was always in flight. Like a butterfly You never felt his full weight Only his presence − Only his arriving and departing touchdowns For that's the way it was with him. 2. He was not a doer or a creator of anything But rather only an influencer − A stimulator − A catalyst. 3. He never followed through on any of his own ideas But effectively prompted others into action. He never pontificated, demanded or postulated Only suggested.
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4. He was not very scientific or practical But rather more artistic. 5. He never invented anything Or built anything himself Only sketched things out in rough notes For others to follow. 6. He never accomplished anything For or by himself But inspired others to. 7. He was never the author of any publication But was frequently listed In the Acknowledgement sections Of numerous books. 8. He never opened any door And walked through it himself. Rather, he just unlocked it Cracked it open And let others go in. 9. He never made any direct contact But rather his influence Was more magnet-like.
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10. He was more of a force Than a substance. 11. He was not a doer And therefore not good at doing anything himself. But he did do what he did best: Being a influencer and inspiring others to do things. 12. But having said that And depending on how you looked at it As an influencer He did, in fact, do a lot more than most of us Could ever do And more than he was given credit for. ~ He was the donor to the egg And who could be a better doer Than that? *****
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Three Images At The Sink (On Vi) 9-2-2019 The 3 women I love. _____ 1. I looked over and saw Vi Working at the kitchen sink With her back to me. She looked so "Grandmotherly" − With her graying hair tied up in a pony tail, Her matronly hips, Her stooped and rounded shoulders, Her slightly hunched back, And her slow and deliberate movements. 2. As I looked at her I had flashbacks Of the girl who used to be so trim and curvy Straight-back and youthfully energetic With waist-long black hair.
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3. As I watched her These two contrasting images − The old and the new − Flashed back and forth Before my eyes So fast that they morphed Into a third image − The average of the two. 4. Which image was the real image? Which was the real Vi? The answer is: They all are − All 3 of them. 5. Although everything had changed Nothing had changed. She's still the woman I love − All 3 of them. *****
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On My Way To 80 5-31-2019 Aging. _____ 1. In a few days I'll be past the halfway mark Of my 70s And well on my way To 80. 2. In the past few years I've really noticed some changes in me: I'm noticeably not so strong as I used to be; I walk with a little limp from a sprained ankle That just won't fully heal; I get out of breath more quickly; I have to take more frequent and longer breaks when I work; And for the first time in my life − I sometimes take naps Which I had always thought were wastes of time.
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3. As I approach my 80's I can expect to continue losing more Of what I used to have. 4. So as I approach my 80s I wonder and fear What may be in store for me − Or more correctly What might not be. *****
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The Sundial At Princeton 6-2-2019 The motto on the sundial at Princeton University. _____ 1. I am a reader of Einstein − About his life and his works. In 1933 he left his native Germany And came to Princeton University. In one of the books that I read about him And his theories of special and general relativity I learned of a particular sundial at Princeton That had a Latin motto on it That I found thought provoking and heavy Which resonated with my penchant for deep and heavy things. 2. It read: Vulnerant omnes; ultima necat. Which translates to: The hours all wound; But the last one kills! Love it. ***** 13
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Indian Giver 4-10-2019 Aging. What is given, is later taken away. _____ 1. What has been given to us By youth Is taken away By age. Health, strength, memory, agility and optimism Are all taken back: In dribs and drabs One by one Or all at once. 2. Oh, Life − You Indian giver, you. *****
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The Only Two In The World 6-7-2019 Reflecting back to an unreal time. _____ 1. When we were young and in love There was no one in the world Who mattered Or even existed − No one and no thing. 2. Time had stopped And all was eerily quiet As we walked alone on the planet. Where nothing could be heard Above our heartbeats. *****
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A Senior Citizen's Nap Pass 1-2-2019 Aging. _____ 1. In my younger years I never took a nap As I was always so busy Working on something. 2. To take a nap Was a waste of time. To take a nap Was a guilty self-indulgence. That's what I thought When I was young. 3. But now that I'm in my mid 70's I have a Senior Citizen's Nap Pass Which I earned, use and need With no guilt attached − Well maybe just a little. ~ Oh how things have changed With time and age. ***** 16
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"You Should Be Doing Better Things" 1-3-2019 Remembering a street scene in my old neighborhood. ______ 1. When I was a teen I was walking toward the bus stop one day On Ave H and Albany Avenue in Brooklyn And noticed 2 street thugs harassing an old Jewish woman Who was waiting for the bus. 2. Above their constant laughing taunts I heard this woman say In a loud, commanding, self confident and defiant voice, "You should be doing better things with your life!" 3. Being Jewish Her words reflected both the culture, priorities And the work ethic of the Jews Namely, getting an education and being productive and successful. Her words fell on their deaf ears But not on mine.
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4. Her words gave me pause For I was wrestling with the same issues That caused these thugs to be doing what they were doing. Her words made me stop and think And draw comparisons To my own delinquencies. 5. I never forgot her words. They never faded But rather became louder and clearer Moving from the background To the foreground of my mind − Moving from an anecdotal street event To an inspirational motto for me in life. 6. While those thugs Couldn't identify with what she was saying I somehow could and did Which was for me the lucky result Of the sun, moon and stars Being all lined up just right that day.
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7. Her words stuck a resonant chord in me − Like an unforgettable scene in a play Or a thought-provoking line in a book − Which simultaneously and by lucky chance Hit my heart and my mind at the same time With a sympathetic frequency That awakened something in me and resonated And made an indelible impression. 8. It was a one-minute real-life street scene That had a forever real-life effect on me And helped me to appreciate and admire Some of the good qualities of the Jews And use them to model A little of my life from. *****
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Crossing Paths 4-19-2019 Not risking a collision. _____ 1. We cross paths With either an embrace Or a collision And separate as either friends Or as enemies. 2. Oh how lucky we would be If in all our crossings We could just pass at a safe distance With no touching − No awkward and too-personal embraces − But rather with just a Simple, Casual Civil And mannerly wave to each other That would avoid any risk of collision. ****
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An Exception To The Rule 1-2-2019 Different last thoughts. _____ 1. His mind drifted across the rivers and into the fields − Through the forests, over the mountains and into the sky. He was dying And this was his last such trip. 2. He remembered what they had always said About your life flashing before your eyes Right before you die So he was a little confused With the images that he was seeing. 3. While most who are facing death See an array of images About their experiences and the people they loved He was an exception to the rule For he didn't see any such personal images Rather, he only saw inanimate things.
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4. But maybe that made sense In that during his life He was never a people person And rather more attached to things Than to people. 5. He had always been an exception to the rule In life And so it wasn't surprising That he'd be an exception to the rule In death. *****
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I Can Hear Them Talking 3-17-2019 At my wake. _____ 1. Here I am, In a large beige-colored room at the funeral home Laying in an open casket at my own wake. I'm dead, but I'm hearing everything That's going on in the room. 2. This is my last day above ground And I'm wondering If it will be the same for me tomorrow − That is, still having some, or all, of my senses When tomorrow at 11 am They'll put in the ground. 3. I hear the music That I had selected for this day And thank God they were able to find it And honor my wishes for it to be played. It's so very comforting to me As I listen to it And wonder what the others think of my choices − If they're listening at all. 23
4. Oh those beautiful pieces of music Written by Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Pachelbel, Beethoven and Massenet All of whom will be my imaginary pall bearers And who will take me to my grave. 5. As I listen I can hear some saying nice things about me And recalling fond memories. But I also hear others Saying some unflattering things − Not vicious things − Just unflattering. Most though Are just talking about Day to day things in their lives And for the most part ignoring me. 6. My last day above the ground − It's a scary thing to think about Even though I planned for it And sometimes even wished that it would come As a way of ending all the stresses in my life. But now that it's here I wish that it wasn't.
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7. Oh you pall bearers Whenever you are ready Gently lift me up and take me away With your honored and timeless music In my ears and heart And I'll try to be brave about it all. 8. But with the first shovel full of dirt, Lord Please be mercifully and shut down all my earthly senses To save me from the dread of being buried alive So that I could rest in peace Like all the others I will join. *****
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I Know Love When I See It (On Vi) 3-17-2019 Experience with love. _____ 1. I spent a lot of time Looking at love From all different angles and perspectives. I've defined it In as many ways as I could. I've also seen it In all of its many Faces, forms and shapes. And as a poet I've often written about it. 2. Sometimes When Vi is preparing a meal I look over at her And am suddenly prompted to get up And give her a little hug: For I know love When I see it. *****
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Inertia 3-17-2019 Keeping us rooted, but.... _____ 1. While we say that we'd like to Get out of uncomfortable situations Or conditions It's easier said than done As not everything is governed by logic Nor can logic overcome everything. 2. Inertia is the force That resists change and movement And that may keep us bogged down In our present situations. 3. There is the inertia of physical things As well as the inertia of the mind Both of which Work against change.
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4. Despite any unpleasant situation that we may be in Inertia works to keep us there No matter how logical it is to move. 5. Inertia also works To keep us living in the past And prevents us from Living the present And from looking forward To the future. 6. Inertia − While it's an integral part of our human nature And nature itself And benefits us by keeping us rooted It often works against us. *****
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Something That Couldn't Be Delegated 3-19-2019 They did everything together. _____ 1. When she died He wanted to dig her grave Himself. She was his everything And he didn't want to delegate Such personal thing as that to anyone else − Like to a paid cemetery laborer Who didn't know the first thing about her Nor care And to whom it would be Just a "job" And something that he felt would be Disrespectful to her. 2. They were married for 53 years And did everything together. So he was not about To hand this last thing off To some disinterested stranger. That would not give her the honor she deserved As he saw it. 29
3. He petitioned and fought the system unrelentingly And the fierceness of his fight, The heartbreaking love that he showed for her, And the touching sentiment of his request Made them relent and make an exception for him. 4. While they granted him his wish To dig her grave It had to be under the cover of darkness When all of the cemetery staff were off Except for the night watchman, whom they so informed So there'd be no problem that night. 5. With the casket beside him, he dug. And as he dug, he talked to her As if she were still alive. And during his breaks He'd lean against the side of the casket And often think that he heard her breathing inside − Imagining her chest moving up and down. 6. They did everything together And this would be the last thing They would do together. This would be his last commitment to her − His last personal act of love for her That he would do with his own bare hands And something that could not be delegated.
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7. And when the sun broke over the horizon He was finished. She appreciated what he had done And thanked him for it As she always did Whenever he did something for her. 8. And later When they slowly lowered her into her grave He was holding one of the nylon straps With his dirty and blistered hands. And then when it came to rest With his bare hands again He personally sprinkled a handful of dirt Over her casket. 9. They did everything together And this was the final thing − And something That couldn't be delegated. *****
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No Loss In Gate 3-19-2019 The unimportance of a life. _____ 1. When a person dies The world will take no notice of it. It will be a non-event. 2. Not a pause Or a flinch Will we get from the world When we pass. 3. When we fall The world will just step over us With no loss in gate. *****
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That Old Yellow Kitchen Light 10-10-2019 A cloud that always follows. _____ 1. I remember that dull pre-dawn yellow ceiling light In our kitchen back in Brooklyn And how it permeated into me Like water into a sponge And set that heavy mood in me As I began my day. 2. Mornings should be bright and hopeful But that dull yellow light Hardly put up any fight against the darkness And its anemic attempt, in many ways, Made it even more depressing And infused its representative hopelessness in me That I couldn't seem to shake then And that continues like a hangover Even to this day.
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3. My mother had just died My father was a broken and jobless man My younger brother and 3 sisters were still upstairs sleeping And I, having just entered college, And was off to class in the dark. 4. With that dull and depressing yellow light inside of me I went down the kitchen stairs to the side door And out into the alley. I heard the heavy sound of the steel door-lock Latching behind me − Locking me out in the dark and wet-cold air. Oh how I wanted to retreat and go back inside And crawl under the covers again Where it was warm and safe And where I could hide from the world. But standing in the alley and locked out It was too late for that. 5. I felt nothing good about myself And that life was not worth living. I also remember thinking How I might just end it all.
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6. I was mad and hurt And blamed myself and Life equally − Blaming Life For being so cruel And blaming and loathing myself For not being strong. 7. I didn't look forward to anything And didn't want to go thought life like this. 8. I looked anxiously into the cold morning void Fearful of what might be in it Waiting for me. 9. That dull yellow light Just added on to the weight of the pre-dawn blackness Both of which mixed together in a conspiracy That filled my soul with a smothering and poisonous concoction. 10. Except for the racing of my heart From the fear and depression that had hold on me I was in a doleful daze. I was a teen-age zombie Just going through the motions Depressed about the thought That this was what Life was all about And that I had a hundred years of it ahead of me.
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11. Things got better though Thank God Starting with the Navy And then a career after that Which served as two salvation-like distractions. 12. But now and again Like now I'm feeling like I did back then − Lost and depressed. I don't know exactly what triggered it But that feeling has returned. That monkey had gotten on my back again. I guess you never get over things,100%. You can never get rid of your tail or escape your shadow Which will follow you wherever you go. 13. And looking up I see that dark cloud hanging over me And recognize it as that same dark cloud That I had over me back then − That same dark wet, cold and drizzling cloud That never seems to go away for good And that dampens everything I do Seemingly on purpose.
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14. Oh you dull yellow kitchen ceiling light How is it that you still haunt me? Why is it that you take such pleasure in what you do? How is it that you continue to stain my moods With your insipid color? How is it that I can't seem to erase Your image and your infection? How is it that I can't go anywhere Without dragging Your ball-and-chain weight behind me? 15. Granted Things are much better now Than they were back then. But there are still those memories and moods That never seem to go away Completely. *****
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A Genius's Blind Spot 3-23-2019 He never followed through on his genius. (A poem prompted by my own penchant for reading science books.) _____ 1. He was a reader − A reader of scientific books Mostly about physics and cosmology. He wasn't a scientist himself But had always been captivated by science With a natural talent, fascination and capacity For scientific theories, numbers and equations. 2. He never knew how he had acquired The interest in science in general And in physics in particular. Nor did he know where he had acquired The combined inquisitiveness, perseverance and talent For figuring things out in his own mind. It just seemed to come naturally to him.
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3. As he read his science books He'd make notes in the margins − Or on scraps of paper That he'd later insert between the pages − Both intended for future reference. He'd also underline or highlight All the points he felt were important Until often times Almost 50% of the book was marked up. These techniques not only helped him To understand and remember things It also facilitated his re-reading of these books Which he frequently did. He read and took notes as if he were a student Which in effect, he was, of sorts. With all these markings His books became like text or reference books. And since he saved every one of them They became, as he like to call them, His private and personal library. 4. He did this all his life And never thought anything of it Seeing it only as an absorbing personal hobby. 5. Not meaning to put him in the same category as an Einstein Many of the notes he took in his books Were quite perceptive and scientifically valid Just as Einstein's "thought experiments" were As he daydreamed at his day job As a patent clerk in Bern, Switzerland.
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6. If his notes were ever followed up on By him or by others They might have lead to some further advances in science As they were often insightful and ground-breaking. But he never had the desire To share or escalated them in any way Feeling that they were just his personal notes − Personal notes to himself For his reference and for his library. 7. Maybe he just didn't want to go through All the work that sharing or escalation would entail. Or maybe he just didn't have Either the confidence in his insights Or the ambition or ego to do anything more. 8. Like many gifted people and or geniuses He had an idiosyncrasy − A blind spot, you might say − In that he never saw or understood The real talent that he had And what scientific contributions He could possibly have made. 9. On the other hand, maybe he did know But just wanted to kept things to himself Due again, to those blind spot idiosyncrasies That geniuses often have. *****
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A Communication 3-24-2019 A communication with the sea. ______ 1. I'm sitting on a small blanket Watching and listening to the tiny waves Lap repetitively along the beach line. 2. The tide approaches me Wave by wave and inch by inch As timid as animal would approach − First advancing in cautious baby-steps Then retreating in apprehension. But with each successive advance The tide comes in a little closer. 3. To me, each approaching wave Is an attempt at communication − A communication in a foreign language − A hieroglyphic Or code Or maybe as subliminal wave vibrations That I have to decipher, sense or guess at.
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4. Nonetheless The accumulation of it all Represents a conversation of sorts. 5. Each lap is a part of that conversation − Some louder than others Some softer Some brief Some prolonged Some more understandable While others, not understandable at all. 6. I listen and try To both understand and reciprocate And wonder if the sea Recognizes my efforts. 7. As humans It's hard enough for us to communicate with each other Human to human So imagine how difficult it is To communicate between two so different living beings Like between the Sea and me.
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8. It's amazing that two living things − The Sea and I − Who have been living beside each other For millions of years Haven't tried harder and sooner To learn each other's language And communicate with each other. 9. Despite all the general and specific impossibilities For any clear or deep understanding Between the Sea and me There is some form of communication Going on between us As vague and primitive as it may be. 10. While this communication Is at a very basic, primal And almost imperceptible level It's engaging and exhilarating Nevertheless. *****
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Blow Out The Candle 3-24-2019 A last request. _____ 1. There was no coming out of it for me − No hope for any recovery. Life has determined That it has given me enough time already And will give me no more. 2. And to all those Who have come here to see me off Let's finish up our good-byes So you can go home to your families And I can have my ending in private. 3. And whomever of you Is the last to leave Please blow out the candle. *****
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The Cover Of The Book (On Vi) 3-29-2019 Imagining Vi as an invalid. _____ 1. I look across the room and see her Sitting in a wheelchair − Confined there like a prisoner And I here bound with her In sympathetic love. 2. But beyond that tragic and static image I see other images. 3. As if I were turning the pages of a book I see image after image of her With each image representing A different chapter in her life − And in our lives together − During the almost 50 years We've been together.
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4. Image after image I see and remember All the things we did together Which was just about everything And all the sacrifices she made for me Which were limitless. 5. Her face in that wheel chair Is the cover of a book that I know by heart − A book of stories, poems, photos And memory after memory − A book that tells the story Of all that she has done for me. 6. Now is her time of need And now is my time to step up and give back A small portion of what she had given me. And since so much of that book is about How much she loved, supported and stood by me With each page I turn My commitment to her Becomes that much stronger And easier. *****
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Beating Life To The Punch 3-31-2019 Ending it his way. _____ 1. For 70 years He's had a comfortable life. And in light of all the possibilities Of how things could have turned out And compared to the unhappy lives of so many others He's had a good life, all in all. 2. But now he's sick and weak And rapidly getting worse And he can see that there's no chance Of turning things around. The end for him is clear In that he'll slowly deteriorate With the last 10 years of his life Being painful, helpless and pathetic − Not a pretty picture. 3. He's always believed that All's well that ends well And similarly All's bad that end's bad. 47
4. Since he could see what was coming He decided not to have Those last 10 years Taint the quality and happy life Of the 70 good years he's had. 5. He wasn't about to let Life Take control and do what it wanted to do. He wasn't about have Life Write the last chapters of his life. He wasn't about to have Life Turn a happy story into a tragedy Just because of its ending. 6. So he decided to end his life that night Peacefully and with dignity. Knowing that no one likes a story With an unhappy ending He decided to beat Life to the punch. *****
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God's Silence About Everything 7-25-2019 Paraphrases from the 1962 Swedish movie, "Winter Light" Directed by Ingmar Bergman _____ 1. Oh God, why haven't you given me The kind of challenge Comparable to the strength You endowed in me? 2. If there was no God Everything Would make transparent sense. 3. Life is messy enough Without bringing the supernatural Into it. 4. What can we interpret from God's silence about everything? *****
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Rock, Scissors, Paper 3-22-2019 A winner-loser game of life. _____ 1. Everything in life is a challenge. Every issue we have to deal with Is like facing an opponent In a game of Rock, Scissors, Paper Where there is a winner and a loser each time. 2. Day in and day out 2 out of 3; or 3 out of 4 Over and over again Angst after angst It's always a game of Rock, Scissors, Paper − With us facing an outside opponent Or the one inside of us. 3. Oh why is life such a stressful game With winner-loser consequences? − A game of Rock, Scissors, Paper? ***** 50
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I'm Gonna Smoke Myself To Death 11-26-2019 Not much to lose anymore. _____ 1. I gave up smoking early in my life Watched my weight and what I ate Got a physical exam every year Switched from hard liquor to wine Only drank in moderation Got my teeth examined, cleaned and fixed as needed Periodically had my eyes checked And got enough exercise Working around the house and grounds. 2. I did all these things for most of my life Which required sacrifice and discipline And wasn't easy at times. But as a result I am in very good shape at 76. 3. So here's my plan for the future: I'll continue with these healthy practices Until I'm about 80 or 85 At which point I'll ease off And indulge myself a bit. 51
4. Although I had given up the act of smoking I've never kicked the urge And have always missed it. They say it's more a habit of the hand than the taste But whatever it is I enjoy smoking And have always missed its Psychologically sophisticated and tension-relieving effect. So, having done without, for so many years I going to indulge myself And take up smoking again. 5. Because of my abstinence Over all these years I think I've earned this little indulgence As sort of a reward for good behavior. 6. And furthermore, At age 80 or 85 With not that many years left to go What have I really got to lose? 7. So at about 80 or 85 I'm going to go out in a blaze glory And smoke myself to death! (Pun intended.) *****
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Silent Movie Dreams 1-9-2019 A strange thing about my dreams. _____ 1. All my dreams are like old silent movies − All in black and white And all silent. 2. Are everyone's dreams like that Or just mine? 3. Am I dreaming in the past Like I sometimes feel I'm living? 4. Am I missing out on things Like color and sound? Have I not Caught up with the times? *****
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Rose Colored Glasses 4-15-2019 Euphemizing reality. _____ 1. Oh how enjoyable it is to watch All the magic and beauty of nature − How relaxing Magnificent Soothing And harmonious. 2. How glorious and relaxing it is To see the colorful flowers swaying in the wind The birds gracefully gliding against the blue sky And the squirrels frolicking in the trees like acrobats. 3. But what we see Is all seen through rose-colored glasses − A combination of appearances and wishful thinking − A matter of seeing things from a distance and not up close For underneath and behind that apparent beauty and harmony Is something quite different and quite primitive.
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4. Those flowers Swaying in the wind For example In reality, are in a life and death struggle For survival Against the encroaching weeds. 5. The birds Gracefully gliding carefree in the sky Are actually very hungry And desperately looking for food. 6. And the squirrels Who I see as frolicking acrobats Are actually fighting Over turf and mates. 7. It's sad and disappointing when we take off Those rose colored glasses And see things as they really are. 8. It's sometime better to mask reality a bit And make the ugly and less noble parts of life A bit more palatable. What's wrong with Putting a little sugar on your cereal Salt on your meat And wearing rose-colored glasses. ***** 55
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Primal Fears 3-14-2019 My fears and irrational solutions. _____ 1. Sometimes I imagine That I'm crawling in a tunnel And getting to the point where I get my shoulders Jammed up against its walls And being unable to move. And as soon as I get to that point in my mind I panic − And I do mean panic − With heavy breathing, sweating and penetrating fear. 2. Or worse When I imagine myself Being buried alive.
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3. But even with things That are much less restrictive And much less extreme I still panic. 4. For example When I had a simple surgery done on my neck The doctor wrapped me up with bandages That went around my neck And up and over the top of my head Making it into a kind of "hoodie". After wearing it for about week That "little" physical restriction of movement And that feeling of being enclosed Built into something psychologically "huge" in my mind Where I felt that I was trapped Which feeling got to me to the point where I panicked And just had to cut it off Before I went crazy. 5. That little restriction And others like it Was something That I just couldn't handle psychologically So much so that I felt that if I couldn't get it off That committing suicide would be a viable solution To relieve the desperate in-my-head anguish that I felt. How drastic and irrational is that?
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6. It's so childish of me, I know But it's a primal thing − A primal fear − That just overwhelms me. 7. Sometimes when I close my eyes in bed And imagine myself In such restrictive situations My heart begins to race Automatically and immediately. I start sweating And my mind goes into full panic mode To the point where I just can't take it any more And I have to get up out of bed And walk it off. 8. For example, last night in bed I was remembering my sister, Chris When she had her jaw all wired up after an operation And imagined myself being in her position − That restricted position Where I couldn't move my jaw − I immediately began to panic With my heart beating hard And my body sweating profusely Forcing me to get out of bed − Not only once, but twice − And walk around the room To shake off the panic.
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9. Being a primal thing with me It's something that's indelibly ingrained in my very fabric And therefore beyond my control. But yet I feel That it's such a minor thing, in reality and in context And something that I should be able to handle And feel bad and ashamed that I can't And that I allow it to "get to me." 10. When these primal fears grip me They are so powerful that As mentioned before I even feel that suicide is a better alternative. How embarrassingly absurd, desperate and irrational is that? ~ But being a primal thing Nothing's rationale. *****
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That Other Room 6-20-2019 Aging. Curious before, but fearful now. _____ 1. It's always been there − That thin white veil That hangs between the room I live in And the room next to it. And because I'd been so preoccupied With all the activities in the room I live in I never paid much attention To what may be in the adjacent room. 2. The room I live in Is the room of my Life And the one next to it − Is the room of my Death Separated only by that thin white veil.
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3. But now With the distractive activities in my living room Having been significantly reduced with age I'm so much more aware of that veil And what may be behind it And waiting for me In that other room. 4. Although I have always been a little curious About what may be on the other side of that veil I've never been so fearful of it. But now With not so many years left in my life It's the other way around. ******
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"Look At The Jews And The Chinese" (The Lure Of The Streets) (On My Mother) 7-12-2019 I remember my mother's comments. _____ 1. I grew up in the 40's, 50's and 60's In a predominantly Irish, Italian and Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn Whose families were predominantly Blue collar Catholic. Many of the kids were street thugs Both real and wannabes Who fell victim to the lure of the streets. 2. To be Christian about it Many of those thugs weren't bad guys, per se But let's just say that their energies Were misfocused and shortsighted Often resulting in their getting into trouble And sometimes Even making the papers.
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3. Whenever my mother would read the paper And come across a name or face Of a neighborhood kid who'd been arrested She tell me − With a sigh of disappointment − How sad it was That they had gone down the wrong path And one that they might unfortunately Never get off. 4. Then she'd look up from the paper and say, "You never see the Jews or the Chinese Getting into trouble like this." 5. This was her observation. And underlying it was her knowledge That the Jews and the Chinese Had strong family ties And that they believed in education Hard work And being successful All of which kept them on the right path And "out of trouble."
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6. While it took some time for me To absorb the full meaning of her comments They, at some critical time in my life, Coalesced with my own observations about life And helped me to get off the wrong path That I myself had been on in my youth And adopt my profound belief That education and hard work Was in fact The way to go. 7. Oh, how those comments of hers Had slowly percolated inside of me Back then And how they resonate in me Now And serve as one of my standard life-mottos To this day. *****
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An Even Bet, At Best 3-5-2019 Could he make a go of it? _____ 1. He had lost everything − Everything that meant anything to him. His wife had died His business had failed He had trouble finding and holding a job He was financially broke And was about to lose his home. With all that piled on him He was suffering from depression, anxiety and fear So much so That you could literally see and feel it oozing out of him When you saw or talked to him. 2. And his depression wasn't only due To his recent bad luck in life − The loss of his wife and his livelihood And all the financial problems he had − It was also due to The deep and long standing feelings he had About himself − His feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem And all that followed and compounded from that condition. 65
3. Yes, on top of his life-failures Were the roots of his perceived inadequacies: He was never sure of himself And never content about anything. The smallest of decisions Were torturous for him to make. And to make matters worse After they were made He was constantly second guessing himself And worrying about them possibly being wrong. He was a tormented man All the way around. 4. He was never sure of himself And never comfortable in his own skin And so he could never be his own man And was always seeking the approval of others And worrying about what other people felt. He was always looking over his shoulder Suspicious that people might be talking about him. 5. And at night He was always tossing in his bed Rumpling all the sheets and blankets into twists and knots Thinking about his "performance" that day And always being displeased with it Wrestling with a million "I should haves" and "what ifs" − "I should have said that" − "What if I had done that", etc, etc.
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6. He was a depressed and lost soul − Listless and lifeless − Depressed and down on himself And on life in general. 7. But then he met her, a new love And he came back to life. But would it last? Would he, with all of his external and internal Issues and self-doubts, Be able to make it work? Or would the sticky molasses Of his psyche and circumstances Bog him down And be the doings of another failure? 8. It was an even bet, at best. And all eyes were on him Especially his own. ****
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His Uncharacteristic Hugs 9-3-2019 Now I understand why. _____ 1. He approached me And gave me a little hug − Not one that was long, dramatic or over done But one that was sort of ..."unusual" − Unusual in the sense That he'd never done that before. 2. I was surprised and a little confused But accepted it for what it was − Whatever it was. 3. He'd been doing that lately − Giving those uncharacteristic hugs − But I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe he was following through On some kind of New Year's resolution or something. 4. While these gestures were nice They were all very curious to me And made me feel a little uncomfortable For they seemed so...so out of character. 68
5. This went on for a little while But just enough time For me to get used to it. 6. But then the hugs stopped And he became withdrawn, distant and quiet again Just as he had been before the hugs began. 7. Not long afterwards He was found dead In his crowded and dim-lit Basement studio apartment. 8. It all came together now: Those hugs were his way of saying good bye After he found out that he was terminally ill. 9. It all fit together now: He was a person Who was never open Or comfortable with people. Nor articulate with words. So his little hugs were his substitutes For all that he couldn't express otherwise. 10. He came out of his shell To say goodbye. ***** 69
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He Mellowed, But Did I? (On My Father And Me) 11-9-2019 Regrets about our father-and-son relationship. _____ 1. We had a contentious relationship − My father and I − And one that had us arguing frequently And always on edge. 2. He was very sensitive and had a hair trigger. He also was not able to communicate His love, advice, counsel, criticism and good intensions Without polarizing things. Although I wasn't free of fault I just wish that he had been A little more diplomatic And a less-demanding father. On top of all that Our personalities didn't mesh very well in general And we'd throw monkey wrenches into the gears Of whatever interaction we had.
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3. But as he aged, he lost some of his polarizing fire And mellowed a bit, you might say. And on my side, as I aged, I matured And as a result We became more civil to each other. 4. But in thinking back I regret that I didn't respond to his mellowing More than I did. I regret not having seized the opportunity To have gone that one step further And given a little more to him. I regret that I didn't fully grasp the fact That he was at that point, an old man With only a few years left in him And probably a lot of his own regrets about our relationship And a yearning for a "Hail Mary" reconciliation. I regret that I didn't have the maturity and charity enough To see that And be more attentive and loving to him So that he could have died more peacefully Knowing for sure That I loved and respected him as a father. 5. Now as a father and an old man myself I know how I'd like to feel And be looked at by my own children In my last years.
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6. Oh I wish I could have given him more − Oh how I wish I could have proverbially Propped up his pillow Held his hand Kissed him on the forehead And let him see the tears in his son's eyes For his father. Oh how that would have meant everything To him, then And to me, now. *****
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You Can't Forgive The Unforgivable 11-11-2019 Inspired by the film "A Thousand Acres". 1. How can you see The unseeable? How can you hear The unhearable? 2. How can you bear The unbearable? How can you love The unlovable? And how can you forgive The unforgivable? 3. You can't For how can you do The impossible? *****
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I Wasn't Expecting 11-13-2019 Expectations and non-expectations. _____ 1. When I was a young boy growing up I was all too serious, scared of life and depressed − Which is no way for a boy to start out life − And I wasn't expecting things to change for the better But they did. 2. Being a wild, hard drinking And stay-out-all-night bachelor And only in my early 20s Age 40 seemed so far away And I wasn't expecting to reach it But I did. 3. And when I was in my mid-30's And not married yet And being very particular I wasn't expecting To ever find the right girl But I did.
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4. And when I was in my 40's We tried unsuccessfully for a long time to have children And so I wasn't expecting that we would But we did. 5. And when I was in my 50s I was hoping I'd be able to retire. But with a lot of job changes I didn't have anywhere near enough money to do so So I couldn't. 6. And when I was in my 60s I was stuck in a low paying And below-my-level job But one that I needed So again Still not having enough money to retire I didn't. 7. And when I was in my 70s And our children were in their 30's And still unmarried I was thinking that They might always be single And that I'd never have a son or daughter-in-law But they did marry And I did.
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8. And then, being in our late mid 70's And Life's end closing in on us And for the fact that having children Might not be what my son and daughter wanted I wasn't expecting to perhaps ever become a grandfather But I did. 9. Life is full of The expected And The unexpected. *****
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Alone With My Own Echoes 11-13-2019 No intellectual friend in my old age. _____ 1. Oh how I wish I could share My collection of Shakespeare's quotes And my poems With my long time friend, Tom Carroll. But I can't because he passed away at age 72. 2. Tom was a special friend. He was very smart and observant. He had wit, charm and charisma. He was a professional, politically powerful and well off. He was also well-read and a patron of the arts And even an intellectual, you might say. 3. When we were friends I gave him a CD of my piano compositions Which he very much appreciated And that he listened to often. So I'm sure he would have appreciated My collection of quotes and poems If he were around. 77
4. Oh how I wish I had An intellectual friend again like Tom To share my music, poetry and other works with − A person who had the capacity to understand and appreciate them Which would be especially important in these, my older years. 5. But having said that I'm adjusting myself to the fact That that won't probably happen And I'll be alone with my works My one-way conversations And my echoes. *****
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Family 7-17-2019 Family is more a concept. _____ Your family Is not determined By your blood But rather By who loves you. *****
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A Wide Spot In The Road 10-29-2019 Home is home. ______ 1. I lived in that town All my life And all my memories, friends and family Are there And where I call home. 2. While that town was my whole Universe − To others It was no more Than a wide spot in the road. *****
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The Sun Went Cold 11-20-2019 The sun went cold on me. _____ 1. For a time The sun had turned its back on me Shutting me out. What had I done to deserve Being deprived of its warmth and light And to be swallowed up By the cold night? 2. I used to wait for all the colors That the sun brought to and from dawn to dusk But I somehow became an shunned outcaste And defrocked of that. 3. But then one morning The sun and its warmth embraced me. I was back in its graces once again But now, wary and unsure. *****
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Birth (On Aubrey Lee) 11-25-2019 Inspired by the birth of my 1st grandchild, Aubrey Lee. _____ 1. You're telling me − And expect me to believe − That a little non-descript seed Casually, and with no planning or engineering behind it, That's placed inside a woman Somehow grows on its own And converts itself Into a little person? 2. And further you expect me to believe That this little thing Is submerged in airless, water-based liquid And is both feed and relieves itself Through one single little tube attached to the mother? And that over time It grows a head, a brain And little fingers and toes? You expect me to believe that too?
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3. And then even more amazingly You expect me to believe That at some point this little person Comes out of its sticky sack And, after being submerged and living in a liquid, All of a sudden After never having been trained how to breath air Magically begins to breathe − That magically − In just one split second − It automatically switches From a liquid-breathing creature To an air-breathing one? You expect me to believe that too? Impossible. ~ Do you really expect me to believe In miracles and science fiction? *****
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Fallen Leaves And Falling Tears (On Leandra) 11-25-2019 Worries about my daughter. ____ 1. My daughter was admitted to the hospital again For high blood pressure and preeclampsia That could result in a stroke and even death. 2. To force my mind away From my worries about Leandra I went out and raked the leaves in the north lawn. And while it was good therapy It wasn't good enough As I found myself continuously tearing up Whenever my mind came back to my daughter And all the risks And more so the possible consequences That she is facing. 3. And the tears welled up all the more When I projected things to their worst scenarios − Which, as a pessimist and worrier, I so often do.
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4. I envisioned Leandra Dying at the young age of 33 And saw myself as a parent having lost a child Crying at her grave. And I hurt Thinking of her day-old newborn baby, Aubrey Lee, Being motherless And her husband, Justin, A single parent. 5. Fallen leaves and falling tears − A heartbreaking and life-changing premonition That weighed on me Throughout the entire lawn. *****
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Do You Remember Me? 11-2-2019 Depression has returned. _____ 1. I noticed something in my peripheral vision − A presence − A feeling of something watching me − Hovering − And whose shadow Dimmed the light around me. 2. Then it whispered in my ear And identified itself By telling me that it was those weighty worries That had always followed me And that sit on my chest Until I could hardly breathe.
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3. "Do you remember me?" It said with a smirk and admonishing tone. "Did you think you could ditch me so easily Or that I'd feel sorry for you And leave you alone? Did you think you could just Turn your back on me And I'd disappear? Did you think you could escape Like a runaway slave And not be caught?" 4. "Do you remember me?" It repeated with another smirk. "Yes, yes I do", I said With my head down In defeat and resignation. *****
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What To Look Forward To? 11-3-2019 Aging. More behind me than ahead. _____ 1. "Look forward!", they glibly say But for me, at my age There's not so much more ahead of me To look forward to. 2. Most of what I have Is in the past And since I've had a reasonably good life For me, looking forward Actually means looking back − And I can live with that. *****
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Simplifying And Downsizing?: Nope 11-3-2019 Life has other plans. _____ 1. I thought that when I retired I'd be "retired" − Financially secure and a man of leisure With gardeners and repairman taking care of everything Taking little trips here and there Reading books and watching TV a lot Sipping a glass of wine in the early afternoon And watching the grass grow − You know − taking it nice and easy. 2. Well, it didn't turn out that way As I don't have any life-time pension Or enough money saved, in my opinion, For the financial security I feel is necessary For Vi and the kids So I bought and now manage 2 rental properties As a full time business In addition to taking care of our own home.
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3. And furthermore, at our ages, Vi and I should be downsizing our home And simplifying things But on the contrary We abandoned our efforts To look for a smaller and less expensive house When the kids moved in With their husbands, wives and pets And we converted the house into 3 apartments − And when Leandra's baby comes It will be even more crowded, or should I say, more cozy. Downsizing and simplifying Are now on the back burner. 4. Ah, but that's OK Because with the 3 properties I now manage I get a lot of exercise (Followed by a lot of muscle aches, pains and cramps) And take pride in keeping up the houses and grounds. 5. And with respect to having 3 families in the house We have our whole family − Representing 3 generations − Together as 1 family unit under 1 roof Which is a nice family experience. 6. You'd like to think That you can plan and control your life The way you want But Life often has other plans. ***** 90
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With No Taste For Blood 7-23-2019 Oxymoron. _____ 1. He had the admiration of all who met him But he never took advantage of it. 2. He had the potential to make a million dollars But was content to just live a simple and modest life. 3. He was very self-confident But never let his ego assume control. 4. He had the ability to connive anything he wanted But was never tempted by that power. 5. He could easily secure the trust of all who met him But never abused that trust.
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6. With all of his talents, gifts and powers Came temptations But he never yielded to them Content with his honesty. 7. While some looked for complex reasons Why that was the case with him There was a plain and simple one: He was just an anomaly − An oxymoron. ~ He was just a shark With no taste for blood. *****
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Eating Scabs And Buggers 7-26-2019 Counterintuitive. _____ 1. As strange as it may seem Eating your own scabs and buggers Is actually good for you! 2. Why? Because they help fortify Your immune system. 3. That's what the doctor said To the parents of a child Who were concerned that their child Was engaging in this practice. 4. The doctor also said that the practice − If carried on into adulthood − Would continue to have positive Medical benefits But unfortunately No Social benefits. **** 93
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At This Stage In My Life 4-18-2019 Aging. Resolved to life. _____ 1. At this stage in my life I often find myself covering my eyes and ears More than I ever did before. 2. In my earlier years With so much of life ahead of me I had to confront and deal with all the issues of life Much more seriously than now Because their outcomes Would affect so much of my life. 3. But now − At this stage in my life With less life ahead of me And with less energy than I had before I have less desire to square off and do battle Less incentive to strategize and maneuver And less worry about the small points in life.
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4. At this stage in my life I take more short cuts, More easy way outs, The fastest and quickest solutions to problems And the paths of least resistance. I go with the flow And have adopted a shorter Rather than a longer term view of things. I also don't worry as much about details and nuances. 5. At this stage in my life I'm tired, achy and more ready To let life do more of what it wants with me. 6. At this stage in my life I find myself not wanting to deal with things As much as I did before And not wanting to be So fully involved. 7. At this stage in my life I find myself covering my eyes and ears More than I ever did before For at this stage in my life I've seen and heard enough. *****
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Instant Coffee-Instant Smile (On Vi) 6-18-2019 An honor, not a burden. _____ 1. We all have instant everything − Instant coffee Instant delivery Instant this And instant that. 2. But what others don't have Is the kind of instant that I have, in Vi Which is the best instant of all − Her instant smile. And even though it's instant There's no sacrifice in its quality. 3. She's frail and weak these days And at times I have to take care of little things for her. But rather than being a burden It's more like an honor To be able to pay her back For all the care she's given me. 96
4. That instant smile of hers Is also a divining rod That knows where to find All the reservoirs of love that I have for her That lay deep inside of me. *****
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Looking At And Through The Winter Trees 1-2-2019 Foreground and background displays. _____ 1. I often look at and through The bare winter trees. It's a special treat for me To see their complex and ingenious architectures That you can't see When the leaves are there. 2. But now There they are Like an X-ray on a back light With all the intricacies of their skeleton branches Displayed against the blue back light of the sky. 3. In my vista foreground Are the dormant architectures of the trees in full display Salient, and frozen still, in their Winter comas Yet host to, and alive with, All the scurrying squirrels and darting winter birds Who have not fled the Winter cold But have remained to fill the trees with life. 98
4. And in my vista background Are the steadily moving clouds That constantly reshape themselves Against the ever-changing and ever-blending colors Of the morning, afternoon and evening Winter sky. 5. Winter is the time When life slows down and colors dim Offering a more deliberate, simple and studied look − A contemplative look − In the free-thought ambience Of a frozen Winter's silence − Another glimpse From another perspective Of this world that we have found ourselves in And are left to enjoy and wonder about. *****
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But Not Just My Legs 1-5-2019 Suffering a greater loss. _____ 1. I was ready to serve my country And joined the army right after school. 2. I was ready to give my life For my country on the battlefield. 3. In one battle though I hit a landmine And lost both my legs. 4. So instead of a simple and instantaneous death I'm now faced with a long and painful one. 5. I was ready to give everything for my country But not just my legs. *****
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Answers In The Shadows 1-8-2019 Life's questions and answers. _____ 1. We are never sure about what's real Or not real in this world And there are no true or simple answers Laid out somewhere. 2. Nor are the questions evident As to what we ought to ask To help get us answers. 3. Whatever lame and blind questions we ask Are often only answered with further questions. 4. Both the questions and the answers Are somewhere in the shadows Tempting and luring us to find them But often taking cruel pleasure in confusing us And keeping them just out of reach. *****
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The Sky Is Yellow 1-9-2019 Something foretelling? _____ 1. The sky is yellow today − A strange kind of yellow And I don't know why. 2. Maybe it's just the morning light But it's very unsettling nevertheless. 3. Could it be a Foreboding That the world is about to change forever − Predictive, perhaps Of terrible things to come? 4. So I wait And watch for signs. *****
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A Sleeping Leaf 1-9-2019 Should we signal a warning? _____ 1. A leaf floats on the water Asleep In the center of the lake. 2. Then On the leaf of an overhanging shoreline tree Rain water from a rain the night before Collects into a heavy bead And free-falls into the water. 3. Then From the epicenter of that drop Comes the expanding circles of ripples Whose leading edges silently make their way To the unsuspecting floating leaf. 4. Is it our obligation to warn that leaf Or to not get involved? ***** 103
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I Watched My Father Disappear (On My Father) 1-26-2019 My mother was his everything. _____ 1. When my mother died I watched my father slowly disappear Until he vanished as the man he once was. 2. It was hard to watch − To watch your own father Disappear before your eyes. 3. But as bad as it was to watch Back then It's in many ways worse Now Because now − Now that I'm older − I can better appreciate The suffering that he had to endure.
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4. He suffered As he watched her being eaten alive by cancer During the 3 long years leading up to her death. Then he suffered The jagged-knife pain on the day that she died. Following that, he suffered without her For all the 30 slow-death years after her death Until he himself died And was able to gain the peace That only his own death could bring. 5. As bad as all things were back then They are compounded by my regret For not having been more comfort to him In his suffering. Granted, he was not an easy man to deal with But even so I wish I would have vaulted over that hurdle And given him at least more than I did So that he knew his son understood And had more transparent empathy For all that he was going through Which empathy, I'm sure, he longed for. ~ Oh how I wish I could have at least done that for him In the hope that it would make up Or count for something.
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6. Oh the pain of his sorrow and longing then And the pain of my guilt and remorse now Is sometimes overwhelming When I get into it. 7. It was and is Bad timing and regret For the both of us. *****
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Just Leave Me Alone 2-1-2019 For whose benefit? _____ 1. Stop interfering with my life And my death, You self-absorbed "Do Gooders." 2. Who are you really thinking about With all your flowery words And your grandiose actions: Me or You? 3. What benefits are you really trying to achieve? And for whom? Benefits for me Or benefits for you? What attention and accolades Are you expecting to accrue? 4. So please Just leave me alone For I don't need or want Your self-serving help. ***** 107
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"How Many Children Do You Have?" 2-2-2019 A question that should have been rephrased. _____ 1. During the conversation The topic of children came up And she was asked A simple and unassuming question: "How many children do you have?" 2. Although she fought to hide it A visible sadness came over her face And she began to tremble and tear up. 3. There was never any way For her to properly answer that question. For in her case − Having lost a child − The question should have been "How many children Did you have?" *****
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The Funny Thing About Love (On Kerry and Bethany) 2-3-2019 A wedding gift to Kerry and Bethany. _____ 1. It took a big bite out of my budget But I wanted to send a decent sized money gift To congratulate Kerry and Bethany On their elopement and marriage And one that showed how much I loved them And that they could really use To relieve some of their financial constraints − At least temporarily − Of the shoe-string budget they were operating under. Sometime later I got a thank-you card But no call. 2. I was at first a little hurt By the lack of protocol But in thinking about it a bit It was, after all, a gift With no strings attached and no expectations. It was a gift for them and their benefit Not for mine.
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3. Any "reward" for me Should only be in the knowledge That it would help them And be a sincere expression of my love For if I didn't feel that way It wouldn't have been a true gift Would it? 4. But even so And having said that We're all human With feelings that we can't fully control And that often get in the way of the "ideal" sometimes. 5. Yes, 99% of it was a true gift But there was that nagging 1% That wanted to be thanked for it Just a little more personally. 6. It was that pea under the mattress That I felt − Nothing much to talk about Except for the knowing That it's there.
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7. I know that I'm making all too much of it − Even to the extent of writing about it − But you know That's the funny thing about love And the ones you love And all the automatic And uncontrollable sensitivities That involuntarily go along with it. *****
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Alone In A Vast And Cold Universe 2-6-2019 Needing a personal God. _____ 1. Looking out into the vast and endless Universe Makes me feel cold and alone. 2. And I feel even colder and more alone Knowing, or at least suspecting, That there isn't any Warm and loving God behind it all − No personal God − Like a Jesus Christ, for example With whom I could identify − With whom I could embrace And be embraced. 3. Oh how I'd love to believe That there's a loving and personal God out there To warm and fill up all that cold and empty space In the Universe And inside of me.
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4. This is a yearning need That I believe all humans have But unfortunately Something that's not based On any substantial scientific evidence − At least from what I can tell. 5. Similar to the hard adjustment That we had to make when we realized That there was no Thunder God, That the sun did not revolve around us, And that we were not the center of the Universe We must try to adjust ourselves to the notion That we are alone In a vast, cold and empty Universe And only have ourselves to look to And to give us what we need. *****
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The Customer's Always Right 2-8-2019 Dealing with my tenant at 16 River Lane. _____ 1. They complain about everything − All the time and at any time, day or night. They text me with list after list of things that want to get fixed And all with exaggerated rhetoric and urgency, such as: "This is a health hazard." "This is totally unacceptable." "This has to be fixed immediately." "We are not happy." "You should discount this month's rent." "We'll move into a hotel until things are fixed And send you the bill." On and on So on and so forth Etc, etc. 2. They also second guess everything I do And furthermore, they don't express much appreciation For all the extra things I do That are "above and beyond" And for gratis.
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3. And besides all that They have on many occasions Been rude and downright insulting To the point of sometimes Calling me names. 4. I have to bite my tongue. Swallow my pride. Suppress my anger. And squelch my impulse To "fire back" In self defense and or retaliation. 5. I look in the mirror And practice my smile. I hum a tune to calm myself. I take a deep breath to bolster my courage. 6. In an effort to cope I write on the black board 10 times And repeat it over and over to myself: "The customer's always right." "The customer's always right." 7. Oh the trials of a landlord In dealing with tenant customers "Who are always right." ***** 115
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Stalking 1-9-2019 Looking for writing material. _____ 1. I'm always looking for things to write about − Always looking for thoughts and feelings to express. So I stalk everything − Everything I see, hear, sense and feel And every thought, concept, assumption and suspicion That comes to me. 2. These are my prey. These are the prey that I stalk Relentlessly. My antennas are always raised to their highest point Sweeping across the broadest spectrums Surveying, absorbing, processing and molding. My traps are always hair-trigger set For the slightest catch.
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3. Can they see me peering From the bushes and in the shadows? Do I make myself too obvious? 4. I try to be as camouflaged, hidden and as silent as I can Hoping to not only capture them But to capture them in their most natural states And not spook them And scare them away. *****
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12 Years? Sounds About Right 2-13-2019 Aging. _____ 1. At age 75 now I was curious about How many years I might have left to live So I looked it up On the best authority: Google Which told that I could expect to live To the age of 87. 2. 12 more years of life: Sounds about right And a good age at which to go Because It's not so long a time Where my money would possibly have run out Yet a long enough time For me to tie up all my loose ends And say my proper good-byes. 3. 12 Years Sounds like a plan. ***** 118
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No Personalities 8-18-2019 Plants versus animals. _____ 1. I love life And am a keen observer of it − A student of it, in fact. 2. But after having experienced life For as long as I have I've acquired a preference − A preference for plant life Rather than animal life. 3. With the animal world You are forced to deal with All the stressful issues Of personalities. 4. Oh, just give me the simple life With its simple beauty. Give me a flower That I could simply enjoy looking at And that won't talk back Or give me any attitude. ***** 119
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Reading In Latin 8-21-2019 Reflections about reading Latin in High School. _____ 1. I went to St John's Prep In the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. I had to take 2 buses to get there − The Avenue H bus and the Utica Avenue bus − Which took about one and a half hours or so one way. 2. St. John's was a Catholic school And we had to learn Latin. 3. I remember struggling through The reading of Julius Caesar And hating it. 4. But you know Now, looking back on it With a more learned and mature perspective I'm glad I was forced to take Latin.
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5. Back then it was a burdensome exercise With little apparent value And something That I just had to get through. 6. But when I look back now After so many years I see that its value has cured in me And I recognize Not only the elegance and structure Of the language itself But also appreciate The great exploits of Julius Caesar And the magnificence of the Roman Empire. 7. Now, thinking about it I'm projected back And see myself sitting in that classroom Reading − In Latin − About the military campaigns of Julius Caesar Against the barbaric tribes of Gaul − Reading about the glories of Roman Art, literature, architecture, road building and politics − And of course In that reading in Latin − As mentioned before − Seeing now the structure and beauty Of the language itself.
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8. So here I am again Sitting in the classroom Reading Julius Caesar In Latin And not struggling through it But rather Enjoying it. *****
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Dwellers-Squatters 2-14-2019 Seeing things. _____ 1. As I'm reading my book And sipping my nightly glass of wine In the armchair in my room I see things flashing by Out of the corner of my eye Diving for the corners of the room In their almost-successful attempts to evade being seen. But I see them. 2. But when I search the corners I find nothing. How cleaver they are. 3. I catch sight of them Here and there And seemingly everywhere But yet, nowhere definitive. Oh, they're good.
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4. So I go through life now Knowing But yet not really knowing That I'm not alone in my room And that there are dwellers Or squatters Living with me Whose plans and purposes I know nothing of But can only guess and worry about. 5. Maybe they're innocent squatters And there's nothing to worry about. But on the other hand Maybe they're devilish things And probably up to no good. 6. It's a scary feeling Knowing that you're not alone And being watched − Especially at night. *****
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Seedlings 10-17-2019 Life cycles. _____ 1. From seedlings To saplings To gnarly old trees To fallen branches and trunks That will turn to mulch and nurture The next round of seedlings. 2. Life to death And death to life again. Cycle after cycle. *****
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Bada Bing, Bada Boom (On The Marriages Of Kerry And Leandra) 9-2-2019 All of a sudden. _____ 1. We were well into our 70s And the "kids" already in their 30s With no predictable marriages in sight. 2. Then Bada Bing, Bada Boom Both got married Within less than a year of each other. 3. All of a sudden With no lengthy Notices, hints, lead time or engagements Our children were − Bada Bing, Bada Boom − Married.
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4. All of a sudden Bada Bing, Bada Boom We officially had Both a daughter and a son-in-law. 5. Bada Bing, Bada Boom − Life is full of them. *****
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No Control Over My Worries 12-2-2019 Children and parents. _____ 1. The kids are all grown up now Finished school Working Married with children And Make their own decisions. 2. For them They are on their own And in control of their own lives. 3. And as for me I have relatively little control over them Anymore. 4. But with respect to trying to control My constant worries about their well-being? Well, that's something I have absolutely no control over Whatsoever. ***** 128
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My New Pink Room 2-2-2019 Giving up my former space. _____ 1. I used to have the entire 3rd floor of our house All to myself: A large bedroom With an alcove as my reading room, An ante-room An office And a private bathroom. For all intents and purposes I had my own little penthouse. 2. But with Leandra and Justin moving in And Aubrey on the way I gave it up so they'd have their own apartment And moved into Leandra's former bedroom on the 2nd floor Which is painted girly-girly pink With a bathroom that I now share with Mom And with Kerry and Bethany Who had moved into the basement. I also share my new bedroom with my new roommate − Leandra's pet rabbit, "Snickers" And his big cage which I have to navigate around. Adding on to that, I took over feeding him Cleaning out his cage And dealing with his air-born hair, pooh and smell. 129
3. Although the room felt alien to me − And was a demotion as to size, privacy and style And would require some getting used to − I felt good about it Knowing that my daughter and her new family Have their own private apartment Just as Kerry and Bethany have their own apartment In the basement. It was all for the best And for a good cause. 4. As it turned out It didn't take long at all For me to get used to: My shared bathroom My reduced privacy My new roommate And my new downsized bedroom With its girly-girly pink walls. *****
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My Fellow Physicist Friends 10-22-2019 Acquired friends from my readings. _____ 1. I have a real penchant for physics and cosmology And have read many books on the subjects And about the early pioneer physicists and mathematicians That included Leucippus, Democritus, Tycho Brahe, Galileo, Copernicus, Kepler and Newton And many of the more recent ones That include Einstein, Oppenheimer, Schrodinger, Heisenberg, Pauli Wheeler, Feynman, Weinberg, Planck, Maxwell, Dirac, Higgs, Bose, Bohr, Schwinger, Wheeler, Winger, Wilczek, Rutherford, Glashow, Fermi, Nambu, Hilbert and Hawking. In addition to learning about Their scientific discoveries and hypotheses relating to Gauge theory, special and general relativity, quantum mechanics, Matter and anti-matter, GUT, gluons, quarks, quantum Electrodynamics or QED, fermions, etc. etc. I learned so much about their personal lives That I felt as though I almost knew them as friends. 2. And whenever I read a new book And their names come up I greet them as friends.
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3. The intimate knowledge I have Of these great men and women Makes me feel like They are all part of a big family of scientists That I, Perhaps presumptuously, Am part of too. It's a strange feeling And one that is both comforting And unsettling. 4. Even though I feel that I'm a colleague of theirs Of sorts I also feel that I'm not fully accepted And still have to win them over − That I haven't proven myself to them − That I'm not up to par. 5. And as I mix with them Mingling in the same room I feel I don't fully fit in Feeling that their eyes are on and watching me − Feeling like an enlisted man in the midst of officers − A poor man by amongst the rich − A commoner amongst royalty.
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6. This feeling that I have Of being looked down on For my lack of expertise in all the subject matter That these great scientists are experts in Is completely understandable and accepted by me. 7. For me therefore Being the frustrated scientist that I am An avid reader of science books And an admirer of these great scientists − And despite my not being fully accepted by them − I feel honored Just to know them And be in their imaginary presence. *****
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A Whisper 2-19-2019 A whisper is special. _____ 1. Don't speak too loud. Keep it to a whisper. 2. A whisper is A special kind of communication. 3. A whisper is a thing That's half way between a sigh and a kiss. 4. Save a whisper for some thing And some one Special For a whisper Is a very special thing. *****
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Musical Chairs 10-10-2019 Aging. Opting out. _____ 1. When the music starts We all stand up and begin to dance In a small circle Around a limited number of chairs − One less than the number of players. And when the music stops And a player can't get to a chair in time Death claims him or her. 2. At my age The circle of players is small As over time Most of the players Have been eliminated. 3. So here I am − One of the few players left Desperate to find a chair When the music stops.
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4. Although I'd rather not participate in this game It unfortunately, is not a game of choice And rather, a last chance in life. 5. As I circle the chairs I think to myself: "What kind of a God Makes us dance such an humiliating dance." Don't we deserve something more dignified in our old age? Aren't we supposed to be the "respected elders"? 6. Round and round we go − Bent and crooked − slow and laborious − Each one eying the other While not meaning to stare Or to show any sign of desperation or animosity. 7. With each chair that we come upon − We lock our eyes on it With the focus of an eagle. We pick out the chair That we will dive for When the music stops.
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8. With each pass I make I become more and more committed to do something Representing a mixture of bravery, protest and charity Which is to refuse to play this demeaning game any longer And graciously give up my chair to someone else. 9. When all that's left of life Is this unbecoming game of musical chairs It's time to give it up. It's time to bow to the audience And make your exit from the stage. It's time to leave on a high note With your head held high. ~ It's just not worth Those few extra but demeaning rounds That you get By staying in the game. *****
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Who Would Create A World Like That? 2-17-2019 Still looking for the answer to a baffling question. _____ 1. When an animal gets old or sick And can't hunt or function any more It resigns itself to its fate, Leaves the herd Lies down by itself somewhere And waits for death to take it. 2. It lies there − Exhausted and hungry Slowly dying And waiting for death's inevitability. 3. But a peaceful death It will not be For the night-prowling predators Will find it And eat it alive.
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4. Each bite and bill peck And each slashing claw rip At that helpless beast Will be made without pity, empathy or remorse Causing painful and wrenching convulsions One after the other after the other. 5. Oh why couldn't death come mercifully first Before the devouring begins? Why isn't that the protocol? 6. So the question continues to fume in my head − Stinging like a bee And breaking my unarmored heart: "Who would create a world such as that?" And the answer?: Maybe nothing or no one But certainly Nothing or no one Benevolent. *****
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The Strange Phenomenon Of Sleep 11-16-2019 What a strange thing to witness. _____ 1. Sleep − What a strange phenomenon When you look at it from a distance And really think about it. 2. Imagine you were an alien explorer from another planet And you discover the planet Earth And observe in all the creatures of the world The strange and ritualistic practice of Sleep. 3. Every day After the sun goes down And at some approximate time after dark All the Earthlings All of a sudden Stop all their ant-like activities − As if hypnotized and ordered to − Lie down and go into some sort of a coma For hours and hours. 140
4. And what compounds this strange phenomenon Is the fact that this happens Every single night. 5. Every Earthling Seems to go to go to sleep in concert with each other Sometime after dark Like a meridian wave that runs north and south Would sweep across the planet Similar to the wave that's created By the fans in a football stadium. 6. Sleep − What a baffling phenomenon it would be For these wide-eyed and mystified alien explorers to see. Oh how they would fill up their notebooks With their observations and theories about it − About this strange phenomenon of Sleep. *****
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The Art Of Falling 11-18-2019 What I and the acrobats know. _____ 1. So many of the things I aspired for Have been frustrated by a lack of opportunity, ambition or talent. And so many of the things I've had the opportunity to try Were lackluster, have fallen short or have been complete failures. 2. As an acrobat practices his trade He falls a million times But never breaks a bone And that's because He's learned how to fall − He's mastered the art of falling. 3. The art of falling Is as important to me As it is to the acrobat For I have failed and fallen More times than I care to count And thankfully have mastered the art. ***** 142
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Images 11-20-2019 Paraphrases inspired by a recorded conversation with the Native American poet and writer, N. Scott Momaday. _____ 1. Words are magic sparklers in the air. Oh the breath and weight Of every one of them. 2. Every word is carried by the wind In both whispers And in shouts. 3. Why do I write?, I was asked: I write for the thing trying to be born. 4. Beauty means Something is finished − The Dawn, for example 5. I have lost my way Looking for the birth of the origins. ***** 143
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"Bing" 3-21-2019 I retired, but I really didn't. _____ 1. When I retired from the corporate business world in my 70s I unfortunately didn't have a life time pension Nor the greatest retirement savings nest egg. So, I bought 2 rental properties to generate retirement income. But because of the amount of work involved In dealing with these properties I in fact didn't retire But rather Just went into The Property Management Business. 2. On the surface It seemed that managing 2 little properties Would be relatively easy And wouldn't take all that much time. Wrong. 3. Wrong because it turned out to be Almost a full time job And with a lot of stress Dealing with a myriad of issues Relating to both the houses And their tenants. 144
4. For example, at 16 River Lane I have tenants who constantly text me Causing my cell phone to alert me that I have a message With a "Bing", "Bing", "Bing" and "Bing" again and again. And not only do I get a lot of texts They are invariably couched in exaggerated terms Aimed at getting immediate attention − Texts that often contain such Health and liability and shock-value terms as: ASAP Health hazard Emergency and Dangerous − And also aimed at putting me "on notice" And maximizing their leverage In case they want to possibly bring A liability suit against me Because I didn't act fast or thorough enough. 5. They may think that I don't see Their clever little rhetorical tricks Of peppering their messages with words and phrases That have thorny and legal connotations But I do Because it's kind of obvious. Nevertheless, they have their effects on me As they raise my attention, adrenalin and stress levels.
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6. "Bing" The texts would come at any and all times With no regard or mannerly consideration. For example they would come During the week and on the weekends And at all hours of the day or night. As a result I'm always on edge Anticipating that "Bing" And when I hear it I jump. And when there's a "Bing" On someone else's phone I jump just as high and fast Thinking it's mine. 7. Oh how I hate that phone and its annoying little bell. Oh how I hate and fear that little "Bing" That causes me to jump-react like Pavlov's dog And my heart to race. 8. I wait on-edge with high-tensioned anticipation Finding myself constantly looking over at my iphone − Like a dog starring at its master Waiting for his instructions − Waiting for that "Bing." It makes me feel as though I have no life of my own.
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9. "Bing" I get no rest during the day Or during the night. I'm like a prisoner With an ankle bracelet Tied physically But more so, mentally To my iphone. 10. When I wake up in the morning The first thing I do Is check my phone for a text That might have come in during the night − Not a good way to start off your day. 11. "Bing" I'm a slave Waiting for the sting of my master's whip − Waiting for the "Bing" That could come at any moment. 12. Gone are the hopeful thoughts For a gentleman's relaxed and secure retirement And here are days of an almost full-time and stressful job Exacerbated by the tensions of that dreaded and anticipated "Bing." *****
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The Fourth Round Of Raking 12-2-2019 Impromptu observations and thoughts. _____ 1. I went out this morning For a 4th round of raking the leaves. Despite the cold, I went out early To get as much done as I could Before the forecasted snow came. 2. I was alone But my thoughts and observations Were with me. 3. Macho style I didn't wear any gloves. My hands were cold at first And I had to stick them in my pockets Now and again For about 30 second at a time. But after a few times of that My hands adjusted.
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4. Over and over I listened to: The crisp and rhythmic sounds Of the leaves being clawed at by the rake; The dragging of the tarp full of leaves First along the grass lawn then along the asphalt; And then the whooshing sound of the leaves As I emptied the tarp into a pile in one fell swoop. "How many more tarp-fulls will there be Before I'm done or it begins to snow?", I wondered 5. As I was raking I noticed a vine running up through a large bush And then into the branches of an adjacent tree. I had missed seeing that during the summer. But now without the leaves, it was easier to see. When I tried to pull it down, it was impossible And I wondered why. Then I saw it. It wasn't just the trunk of the vine itself That was holding it fast There were little arm-branches Growing out of the main trunk of the vine Which in turn each had a little vine Growing out of them Like a long finger Which then wrapped itself several times around its hosts With a complex knot! Yes a knot! And when I looked up I could see That it had done the same thing all the way up Which added engineer-like support for the vine As it grew higher and thicker and heavier. Amazing.
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6. I also noticed that the squirrels Were still around And scurrying through the trees So fast and game-like as if to say: "Try and find me." 7. I also saw some little Winter wrens Who have replaced the summer birds Who have disappeared to someplace warmer. 8. Oh how happy I was to know that these little guys − These little squirrels and birds − Will be with me this coming Winter And will animate my window as I look out When everything else is cold and still. 9. Oh, oh, it's starting now. A freezing rain is falling Making clinking sounds as their pellets Hit the leaves and the open blue plastic tarp Warning me that it's time to stop. "Just one or two more tarp-fulls", I begged, "Please don't come down any harder and force me to stop", I pleaded, As I so much wanted to finish at a good stopping point Where I'd at least have completed this one section of the grounds And wouldn't have to include it in my next round of raking.
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10. The freezing rain held off And didn't come down any harder. I was granted my indulgence. My request had been honored. So, as a matter of courtesy, I thanked it − Whatever "it" was − And did so More out of habit Than out of any belief. *****
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The Gifts That I Don't Get (On My Children) 1-2-2019 Backhanded gifts from my kids. _____ 1. I grew up in a neighborhood Where I saw the lives of many a parent and child Get ruined By crime, gambling, drinking and drugs. So these 4 pariahs And their 2 henchmen Of individual unproductiveness and family dysfunctionality Have stayed with me all my life. 2. As with many children When my children were in their teens and early 20s They went down some dangerous paths − Paths that they might have stayed on And that would have gotten them lost − The paths that would have ruined their lives And broken our hearts as parents. But thankfully They managed to get themselves off Those dead-end and self-crippling roads.
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3. So when I sometimes only get a modest gift from my kids For Christmas, Father's Day or my birthday Or only get an occasional greeting On Veteran's and Memorial Day I don't feel that bad about it For there's so much more that I'm grateful for That outweighs everything else. 4. You see I don't feel bad about the modesty of what I get But rather feel good for what I don't get: Namely the problems of those pariahs and their henchmen That might have afflicted them as our children And us as parents. 5. That is their greatest gift to me − The comfort of knowing that They're happy, respectful and on a good path in life. These are the only gifts I want And they've given them to me. 6. Oh, I'll always worry about my children And pray for their safety all my life But every day that I can breathe easy With a mind unburdened by the specter Of those pariahs and their henchman Makes everyday A Christmas, Father's Day and birthday gift All rolled into one.
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7. It's the worries and heartaches That I don't get from my children That are the greatest gifts That I could ever, ever get. 8. You may say that that's a warped way Of looking at things − Warped from the distorted things I've seen In my experience. While that may be the case for others It's not for me For these are my backhanded And most cherished gifts. ~ For me, I'm not so concerned About what I get from my children But rather For what I don't get. *****
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It's The Process That Counts 1-7-2019 Not the same difference. _____ 1. Death can come from the noisy trauma Of many blows From a blunt and heavy object Or From the clean and silent edge Of a single slice From a kitchen knife. 2. No difference in the end Some might say But not so For it's not the end That matters so much In this case But rather, the process. *****
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Easy Pickings−Easy Life 1-4-2019 An effortless but inexperienced life. _____ 1. He never had to do the hard work Of hunting or farming Nor did he ever have to do any cooking. 2. He was lucky As he lived near a grove of fruit trees Where all he had to do Was to pick the fruit off the trees. Even the picking was easy As the heavy ripe fruit Conveniently bowed the branches so low That it seemed that he was being served. 3. Oh how lucky can one be? Or not? For he'll regrettably never know The satisfying feeling Of hard and honest work. *****
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Only Getting It Half Done 1-6-2019 It may require more than acceptance. _____ 1. Yes Life dealt you a crippling blow And one that left you incapacitated With respect to what you were able to do before And what you can't do now. 2. And yes, While you have both the reason and the right To be down and bitter And to feel sorry for yourself That won't help you much. 3. Whatever Life did to you And as hard as it may be You just have to accept it. But even more than that − More than mere acceptance of the changes − You have to recognize that you are in fact A very, very different person.
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4. While accepting that you are a changed And very different person Is a step in the right direction You may have to go much further than that And erase the old you And become a new you. You must By all intents and purposes Be reborn. 5. And if you continue to compare What you were With what you are now It might only emphasize what you've lost And just rub salt into the wound. 6. So, for any true and full healing You may have to shed the old you And become a completely different person. You might have to see yourself With blank slate in front of you On which you'll have to write A new life history for yourself, starting now. Anything less than that May only be half-baked And only get the job half done. *****
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Helpless On Purpose? (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 1-8-2019 Reflections on a failed love. _____ 1. She was so very naive And so wrapped up in her fantasies That she often times Couldn't separate fantasy from reality And tell one from the other. 2. Everything for her was either Black or white − Or yes and no. For her there were no Nuances and grey areas − Or maybes. And to make matters worse She regularly converted right-side-up things Into vague, fuzzy and up-side-down ones. Despite how illogical this was You couldn't change her way of thinking Because she didn't work on, or respond to, logic.
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3. Consequently, I was in constant fear of saying anything For fear of creating huge out-of-the blue misunderstandings Requiring lengthy explanations Using analogy after analogy to try and make her understand. But the more I tried The deeper the hole I dug for myself. And in the end I only achieved limited success − A truce you might say − As she always retained festering doubts in her head. 4. Even when I held her hand I was a nervous wreck anticipating that Even such a simple thing as that Might generate some black-hole misunderstanding That we'd get inescapably sucked into. 5. Being so naive about the world She was helpless in it. And that naivety was exacerbated by the fact That she'd been sheltered all her life And therefore never able to learn What experience would have taught and grounded her in. Although I tried to help It was too late for the both of us As I could never find Any solid ground to stand on − Only quicksand.
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6. I was always walking on egg shells. I was a cat with a bell on its neck Never able to make a move Without the sounding the bell. 7. Out of love and perhaps my own naivety I believed that her helplessness Was genuine. But having said that I sometimes had my doubts Thinking that she just may be "Helpless on purpose" Because sometimes I thought I saw Telltale canary feathers In the corners of her mouth. *****
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No Beginning Or End 1-9-2019 About the Universe. _____ 1. Looking up into the sky I try to grasp the vastness of the Universe But find no vestige of a beginning Or an end. 2. When I stare off into space On so many of my nights I experience the tandem imbalance of Awe and uneasiness Peace and unrest Comfort and discomfort Satisfaction and dissatisfaction. 3. When I stare off into space On so many of my nights I'm overwhelmed by its vastness And my inability to comprehend What I'm seeing. *****
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Newton's Revenge 1-9-2019 Einstein uncovered a Devil. _____ 1. Sir Isaac Newton not only invented Calculus That allowed for the calculation Of exact and minute changes in motion He more importantly Developed precise and absolute laws and equations About motion and mass Which, for 250 years Had scientifically served us well In understanding the physics Of the day-to-day world we live in And in so doing He laid the foundation of what is called Classical Physics.
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2. Then Albert Einstein came along And uncovered a technical flaw In Newton's laws of motion and mass And one that had no practical significance To our day to day lives In the macro world But was brilliant and more technically correct Whereby everything − All the laws of mass and motion in the macro world − Were not absolute as Newton thought But rather, relative Based on Einstein's Special and General Theories of Relativity Which changed the foundation of physics From Classical Physics To Relativistic Physics. 3. But when he unmasked that benign and harmless error In Newton's laws Einstein unknowingly let lose a Devil Worse than he could have ever imagined − The Devil of Quantum Mechanics, or Quantum Physics That dealt with the micro world of mass and motion. 4. By fixing one thing Einstein released a Devil that unfixed everything else And wreaked havoc on his newly established Relativistic world of physics And upset the entire orderly apple cart Causing uncontrolled chaos.
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5. With Quantum Physics all the apples fell out of the cart And rolled out of control everywhere In that the laws of the physics Of the micro world Were shown to be different from those Of the macro world That Einstein had just recently redefined In that they were no longer Governed by a definitive and tightly ordered set of laws But rather by laws that were disorderly and uncertain And that weren't based on predictability anymore But rather on probability. 6. While Quantum Physics didn't replace Relativity With respect to the macro world It undermined its applicability to the micro world And it's laws were completely contrary To what Einstein believed in and was committed to As to how nature and the world operated. 7. When Einstein upset Newton's laws He inadvertently released the Devil of the micro world − The Devil of Quantum Physics − Which Devil was called Newton's revenge As it was a Devil which haunted Einstein And that he fought against For the rest of his life. ~ What goes around, comes around Even in the scientific world. ***** 165
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Every Dog Has His Day 1-9-2019 Notoriety and what follows. _____ 1. Everyone has a chance for his day in the sun. Everyone has his chance for his minute of fame and glory. "Every dog has his day." 2. But the hard fact is That for most of us though That day usually never comes. 3. But for those who do see such a day It's an unprecedented and glorious day − A day of intoxicating gratification and honor But also one that may not last long And whose end and let-down One should be prepared for. 4. Every dog has his day But what always follows Is the day after. ***** 166
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The Same And Different 1-19-2019 A different way of looking at things. _____ 1. All of you Laugh at me Because I'm different. 2. But I laugh at you Because All of you Are the same. *****
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That Much Worse (On My Father And Mother) 2-16-2019 So close, yet so far. _____ 1. He cried when he said "good night" to her For he knew That she wouldn't last the night And he'd be waking up alone In the morning And every morning thereafter − Waking up alone For the rest of his life. 2. With her passing She was now on the other side And he was all alone on this side. 3. He always felt her presence close to him Every day and every night But it was a presence that when he'd reach out for it He couldn't touch Which made it that much worse. ***** 168
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Cold Water In My Face (On Bich-Thuy And Vi) 2-16-2019 The mistake I almost made. _____ 1. I hadn't spoken to her in years and years But just as happenstance would have it We had a one-off occasion to talk on the phone Just to catch up And see if we were both still alive. 2. She was a Vietnamese girl whom I'd met When I was stationed at Peal Harbor in the Navy During the Vietnam War in the 1960s And who touched and captured Every part of me − body, mind, heart and soul. It was a very emotional and all-consuming love But also a torturous one. 3. Even though I knew That we could never be together I couldn't get her out of my mind − Or break the strangle-hold she had on my heart. I hoped unreal and unplausable hopes That through the intervention of some miracle Things would somehow change. 169
4. For years and years after we parted Her memory kept popping up unexpectedly. I couldn't shake the pain and regret Of that failed love: A love that might have been But yet, in fact Couldn't have ever been. 5. But when we talked on the phone Her voice was old and squeaky − Like the voice of the old lady that now, in fact, she was. It was a grating and heavily accented voice And one that was not pleasant, and somewhat annoying. 6. And as we talked more The immaturity that she had back then − Back when she was in her early 20s − Was still there and sobering. 7. That phone call Was a splash of cold water in my face That woke me up from the heart-trance That I sometimes find myself in Whenever she comes to mind And I'm tempted to dream impossible dreams.
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8. Imagining that if we had married I'd be listening to that broken and squeaky voice And having to deal with all the old baggage That she, from our conversation, still carried to some degree And all the special attention she'd still require Was a wake-up, splash-of-cold-water-in-my-face, call. 9. It was good conversation though Catching up on our lives But more so it was a relief and a blessing As it further released me From the clutches of her resurrecting And often haunting memory That occasionally snuck up and ambushed me. It was a conversation that also reassured me That had we ever married It would have been a life-disaster. 10. But more importantly By not having married her I not only avoided a tragedy with her But opened up the way For me to meet and marry Mom. Fate was with me on this one. *****
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A Prophet Rather Than A God 2-19-2019 A religious compromise. _____ 1. My intellectual honesty My science-based readings And my common sense All force me towards the belief That there is no God. 2. But arriving at that scientific conclusion Makes the Universe Cold, lonely and leaderless Which is alien To my human needs. 3. The personal touch that Jesus Christ Brings to Christians is appealing and comforting to me As a "wannabe believer" And as a child lost in the Universe Who's looking for love and a sense of belonging − As an orphaned child looking for parents and a home.
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4. But how can I balance these Diametrically opposed things? How can I reconcile my cold scientific conclusions That meet the demands of my mind With my need for something personal That my heart demands? To reconcile the two Will require some kind of clever compromise Between my head and my heart. 5. Believing that there is no all powerful God Gives me the intellectual honesty That my mind demands. That combined with My believing that Jesus Christ is not a God per se But rather an inspirational and spiritual leader and prophet Will hopefully work for me And give me the personal touchy-feeliness That I'm looking for And with whom I can identify. 6. Will that resolve the issue? Or will it have the feel of a negotiated compromise − Something engineered − And something as uncomfortable and unnatural As an arranged marriage? *****
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Not Opposite At All 3-2-2019 On the cycle of Life and Death. _____ 1. Life and Death − Two forces and two results At apparent odds with each other. 2. Life and Death − How diametrically opposed And unconnected They seemingly are to each other. 3. If Life and Death are each viewed As individual, side-by-side lines That are parallel to each other Then yes, they are truly separate And unconnected.
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4. But if you take those same 2 lines Bend them towards each other And put them end to end You form a circle That will represent the continuum Between Life and Death Where one flows from and into the other − A completely different picture. 5. In this circle formation Rather than being separate things They represent elements of a common and shared cycle With Life at the beginning of one cycle And Death at the End. 6. But while Death is At the End of one cycle It can be said that it's also At the Beginning For Death serves a dual and complementary function In that its end-of-cycle decomposition Will nurture the start of another cycle − The Life cycle. Life cycles down to Death And Death cycles up to Life. 7. So while the appearances of Life and Death Seem separate and opposite from and to each other They are in fact inseparably connected. ***** 175
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An Unweeded Garden 7-9-2019 Paraphrased excerpts from a DVD movie of Shakespeare's "Hamlet" performed by Laurence Olivier in 1948. _____ 1. An unweeded garden Grows ever bolder. Unpruned rose bushes grow thorns Too hard and long to challenge. 2. Fear will enter Without permission. 3. If ever I was destined for anything in this world It was to set things right. 4. Memory feeds my revenge and my resolve. 5. Conscience makes cowards of us all.
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6. Now is the time of day When graveyards yawn And give up their buried spirits. 7. There is no sentiment of regret or guilt. 8. No prayers could ever save me From the angels of Hell. 9. Corruption takes away From all that we have achieved. 10. Nothing should go unnoticed. 11. Give me the nail and hammer Of determination and action. 12. Like a crab I go backwards Both in fear and by my nature. 13. Oh God, you see what is happening to us And yet you let it be.
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14. If Heaven is on our side We see no evidence of it. 15. While being of overwhelming good nature Some are born with a little mole The stamp of which Will turn to corruption From just that one particular defect. *****
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Asian Women's Faces 7-11-2019 A bit of naiveté? _____ 1. In my late teens and early 20s I fell in love with Asian women's faces. Somehow the shyness and beauty they conveyed Combined with their petite, trim and hairless bodies Appealed to my emotional and aesthetic eye As to what a woman should be like − Perhaps even beyond reason. 2. Even the Asian bar-girls That I met in the service I made excuses for − Excuses for their innocence And rationales for who they had become − Even those with obvious and hardened reputations.
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3. Am I a disillusioned Or delusional Artist Painting portraits That fit my own version of things And my own vision Of what I want to see and believe in Despite the plain facts and evidence? 4. It's not good to be in a kind of dream world And to ignore ugly realty. But then again Maybe it is. *****
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An Old Face Turned Young 10-10-2019 An old love come anew. _____ 1. With one kiss Her old wrinkled face Became young again − The face that he knew And that used to make his heart race. 2. Over time That young and unwrinkled face Of a million years ago Had dissolved and faded away Into some time and place Somewhere in the Universe. 3. With that one kiss That precious young face of hers Came back to him But that he knew Wouldn't last.
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4. And to that young face he said, "From where have you come, my love? And how long will you stay with me?" ~ "And when you leave Can you take me with you And not leave me here alone?" ~ "Or will you cruelly leave me With the pain of that one kiss Like a splinter, lodged in me forever?" *****
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When My Time Is Done 10-17-2019 What's next? _____ 1. When my time on earth is done Will it all just be over? Or will there be more in store? Another phase? Another chapter? Another world, perhaps? 2. When my time on earth is done Will I be just a memory That marks my one-off existence. Or will I continue on in some way − In another life, perhaps Creating a fresh set of memories? 3. I always worry about the future And what will lie within it for me, and all of us, Including the specter of judgment and accountability When my time on earth is done. *****
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Colors 11-5-2019 The magic of color. _____ 1. It's 5 am and everything is black outside. The halo of the dawn has yet to arrive But you can feel it coming. 2. Then, everything begins to morph From black to gray And colorless images and shapes begin to appear As if out of nowhere Hardly distinguishable from each other But nevertheless taking on Misty shape, color, form and texture. 3. Then the dull, faded And anemic birth-colors of the dawn Gain in healthy strength As the sun pumps more life and visibility into them.
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4. The colors develop before your eyes Like a Polaroid picture develops. The colors come alive And become richer and stronger With each hour that passes. 5. But then comes the "piece de resistance" − When the sun is fully up And high over the horizon And paints everything With brilliant and radiant color − Brilliant and radiant greens, browns, yellows, reds and blues With thousands of mixtures, shades and blends in between Pouring more and more color Into everything it touches. 6. It's a magic show − A mystifying miracle of life − This brilliant and radiant thing Called color. *****
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Running Rain 11-13-2019 Native American names. _____ 1. To me The names used by the Native Americans Are in many ways Shakespearean. I say that because they combine words That convey thought-provoking imagery In both congruous and incongruous ways And certainly unique ways Just as Shakespeare did. 2. You can see the imagery In the following sampling of names: Running Rain Big Medicine Sitting Bull Little Soldier Long Nose Pale Face Moon Dog − The list continues.
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3. Bending Tree Singing Brook Listener He Laughs One Who Lies Below Lives in the Woods Lean Bear Never Silent Black Kettle Big Voice and Coming Thunder. 4. What beautiful, strong and evocative names they are. What images they invoke and provoke. How spiritual Yet how connected to nature And rooted to the earth they are. ~ Just reciting such names Fills and challenges my imagination. *****
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Only When In Crisis Mode 11-15-2019 Human nature. _____ 1. Despite the fact that we see disaster coming We don't fully believe it And so won't do enough or in time To counter it Even if it means our very survival. 2. Civilizations rise And then Due to Overexpansion, Economic depression Political and social turmoil War, disease, famine and changes in climate They fall. 3. Our history is full of such collapses and eradications And because the world is becoming more global These collapses increase in scale: From families, to clans, to tribes, to villages, to cities, to nations To complete civilizations. And now with the population of the world Growing at an exponential rate And our resources being consumed beyond their replenishment We are headed for global disaster and possible extinction. 188
4. As human nature would have it More often than not The only time we react to something Is when it is upon us. We ignore the threat until we are attacked. We ignore the bear until it's clawing at our throats. We normally don't act with any urgency Until we're in crisis mode. 5. That's the nature of things with us. And we can't seem to change it Just as we can't stop The inevitability of the tide. *****
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Another Big Fight Last Night 11-30-2019 Violent dreams. _____ 1. I had another big fight in my bed last night In my dreams Where I was kicking left and right and into the air − Was I kicking in a panic to save my life? Or was I kicking in revenge? I can't remember which. 2. So many of my dreams Are violent. Why is that? 3. I've tried to analyze why And came up with a range of plain and simple reasons On the one side And deep and complex ones On the other But haven't landed on a comfortable reason And one that I'm satisfied with.
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4. Do people pick on me in my dreams And cause the fight? Or is it the other way around? Is it my personality Or theirs? Am I the innocent victim Or do I deserve it somehow? Or is it just a throwback To my wild and dangerous younger days Growing up in Brooklyn? 5. In these dreams With fists and legs flying I sometimes bruise myself. Sometimes I even throw myself out of the bed − Can you imagine?! ~ Thank God I don't sleep near a cliff. *****
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Friendless Again 11-2-2019 A friend gained and lost. _____ 1. I didn't have many friends when I was young. Yes, there were some from the old neighborhood But they were shallow, kid-stuff friends. There were also some street-tough friends of mine But they weren't really "friends." Furthermore, I didn't have any real friends From high school, college or the Navy. 2. But when I began my career in public accounting After the Navy That's when I developed an array of what I call "friends" Comprised of clients and professionals within the firm. And within that cadre of friends There was one particular person in the firm − Who became my a long time friend − Tom Carroll. He was charismatic, handsome, smart and politically powerful. I was never sure what he saw in me − A kid from Brooklyn − But he took to me So much so that I became not only his friend But his confidant and soul mate. We were Batman and Robin. He also became my benefactor or "godfather" in the firm. He became the friend that I never had but always wanted And a friendship that lasted 30 years. 192
3. I was hoping That that friendship would have lasted For a lifetime But due to a falling out And his early death before we could reconcile That possibility was undermined. 4. So here I am again In the final stretches of my life Without any real friend And little to no chance (Or desire?) To find or invest in one. 5. So it looks like I'll be going out of my life The same way that I came into it − Without any friends Which is an especially sad situation In your old age When you really need a good and old time friend To commiserate with And not feel so lonely At the end of your years. *****
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Understanding Makes You Lazy 12-1-2019 False comfort. _____ 1. Oh the satisfaction and relief Of understanding something − Of finally getting it. But therein lies a subtle problem − We tend to stop thinking any further. After landing on a comfortable answer We resist leaving that comfort zone Preferring to "Let sleeping dogs lie." 2. After dealing with all the sweat and angst Of finally getting to the point of understanding something We don't want to go through that exercise again. Inertia sets in − The resistance to think about it any further − The resistance to re-examine things − The resistance to re-check our numbers − The resistance for fear of finding that we may be wrong − The resistance to going any further And getting to a deeper understanding. ~ Understanding makes you lazy. ***** 194
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What Weird And Ugly Things They Are 12-2-2019 Ugly when you look at them individually. _____ 1. We are so used to how we look That we only notice gross deformities. We also normally look at things As a whole And not Individually. For example when we look at The eyes, ears, nose, lips and hair We view them all in the context with each other − In the context of the face Whereby everything looks "normal" And nothing stands out. But if you were to look at them individually On a stand-alone basis And more closely With a more scrutinizing eye The eyes, ears, nose, lips and hair Can be quite displeasing, ugly and weird looking.
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2. When you look at the ear for example As a single thing It's a large, wrinkled and shriveled up appendage With no smooth and symmetrical lines to it And ugly hairs growing out of it That just hangs off the side of your head Looking like some kind of injury that didn't heal right And there's nothing aesthetically appealing about that at all. 3. And now look at the eyebrows individually. They hang like cliffs Over caves that hold recessed and sunken eyes − Cliffs with unkempt and multicolored scraggly hair Haphazardly growing out of them Making them look like unfinished sketches. 4. And the nose is just as ugly. When you look at it As a stand-alone appendage It's really just a bulging sack of flesh Protruding from the face like a big pimple without a head With 2 dark tunnels burrowed into it With hair and wet mucus Over all its walls and ceilings. What's with that?
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5. And what's with all that hair on your head? Every other animal has short hair Evenly dispersed over its entire body But not with us. With us, we are virtually bald all over Except for this huge and disproportionate shock hair Growing on half of our heads. And when it grows it can grow so long That it hangs down over our faces Like a mop on a mop handle And will grow down to our waists And even to the ground if we let it. How strange and weird is all that? 6. Oh, what ugly little things these things are When look at them individually And think about them. *****
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Solitary Confinement (On"Snickers") 11-15-2019 Our rabbit "Snickers". _____ 1. Leandra's little pet rabbit, "Snickers", Is alone almost 21 hours a day. He's in his cage in Leandra's room Which is now my room, since I gave up the whole 3rd floor To Leandra and Justin and their expectant baby So they could have a private apartment for themselves. And in taking over Leandra's old room I inherited its tenant, "Snickers." 2. When Leandra was in her old room And taking care of "Snickers" I felt so bad for him being left alone so much. But now I feel doubly bad As it's almost the same routine with me Wherein he gets so little attention.
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3. I get up in the morning and say "hello" Stroke him a few times Fill his food bowl And then go downstairs where I spend the day. After eating, "Snickers" goes into his hut And stays and sleeps there pretty much all day As rabbits are pretty much nocturnal creatures As far as I know. 4. Then at night when I go to bed I say "hello", stroke him a few times Fill his bowl And then read my book and drink my wine For an hour or so. Then, before I turn in I say a few words to him Stroke him again a few times Turn out the light and go to bed Leaving him alone in the dark. 5. Everyday It's the same routine. And everyday It's the same sad and guilty feeling I get For not giving him the attention he needs. And even if I gave him a lot of attention It still wouldn't compensate for his need To socialize with other rabbits and to be free. To alleviate some of my guilt I often bring him carrots and celery As a welcomed change from his diet of dry food Which he devours with gusto.
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6. The only thing that gives me some contrived comfort Is thinking that, as restricted as that little thing is, He at least doesn't have to deal with the fear and angst of Predators, the cold and going hungry or thirsty. Nevertheless, that being said, He can't be happy and contented mentally And I share that discontent and sadness with him. But on the other hand Maybe he's gotten used to his routine And is content And maybe it's only me who's tortured. 7. We know so little about taking care of our pets And what they want and need That plainly and unmistakably demonstrates Just how much we don't know About anything. *****
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My Works and J. D. Salinger 7-16-2019 Inspired by J.D. Salinger, the reclusive author of the 1951 novel "The Catcher in the Rye." _____ 1. I constantly hear about those whose works Have only been "discovered" After they are gone − After they have passed away. 2. And with respect to my own works I feel that that may be my fate as well If I'm lucky enough, that is To be discovery at all. 3. So rather than try and promote my works During my life I just keep my head down And keep on working With the hope − As faint as it may be − That someone With sensitivity, influence and the means Will "discover" my works Sometime and whenever.
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4. Yes, it is my faint hope That someone will see something in them Worth promoting on my behalf Either in my life Or in absentia. 5. So as I concentrate on my work I occasionally look through my windshield To see if I could catch a glimpse Of any possible benefactor Who might be up ahead − But there's no one there. 6. I also occasionally look into my rear view mirror To see if there might be anyone there Coming up behind me Who may be my benefactor − But there's no one there either. 7. Despite these disappointments I take comfort in wishful thinking By telling myself That there may in fact be someone Up ahead or behind me But that they're just too far away For me to see them now. And if they're not there now That with some luck they'll be there later After I'm gone. ***** 202
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Mom's Got Another Daughter (On Mom And Bethany) 11-3-2019 Like mother and daughter. _____ 1. I just happen to pass by And heard Mom and my daughter-in-law, Bethany Talking at the kitchen table. Bethany was talking about her life, fears and loves − As if she were unburdening herself. And Mom, just like a Mom Was sincerely listening to her And offering her opinions and advice. 2. They were talking Like Mother and daughter Which for me Was a warm and gratifying thing to see. *****
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Life System 7-1-2019 We are part of a larger life system. _____ 1. While we are aware that life is all around us We only have an aloof kind of awareness about it And don't fully understand The extent and depth to which we are part of it. Due to our centric thinking about ourselves And the sense we have about our own superiority It makes it difficult for us to believe That we are just a small part of a larger life cycle Wherein, more or less We play an equal part With the plants and trees. 2. But if we try and think of ourselves As integral parts of the biosphere that's all around us And let ourselves be philosophically absorbed into it It will be an enriching and exhilarating experience Knowing and becoming aware That we are part of something Bigger than ourselves.
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3. Stop for a moment and look around you − At the sky, clouds, trees and grass. Be still, quiet and patient And you will see and feel That that you are in fact Part of a living biosphere That breathes in and out The sky, the trees, the grass and you. 4. And as I say this I say it not just rhetorically and metaphorically But as an actual fact of life − Because we are in fact An actual part of the living biosphere organism That surrounds us. 5. As both a test and an experiment Allow your mind to embrace that concept And you will understand not only the concept of it But the reality of it as well Which Rather than being demeaning Will be invigorating. 6. Stop and take that mind experiment. Let yourself become part of it all. Let yourself be absorbed into it. Take the experiment − It'll be worth it. ***** 205
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The Extremes And In-Betweens 1-9-2019 Abstinence versus excess. _____ 1. Life is the experience Of trying everything − Well almost anything. For example If it's forbidden to have any drinks You should have some − But always and only In moderation And never in excess. 2. Abstinence and Excess Are both two evils to avoid. Abstinence Will starve you to death And Excess Will gorge you until you choke to death. 3. By living in the extremes You'll never experience The good life in-between. ***** 206
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Impossible To Explain 1-9-2019 Inspired from the lines I read or heard somewhere. _____ Trying to explain to you Just how much I love you Is like trying to visualize The size of the Universe. *****
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Free Fall At 76 10-14-2019 I fell off a ladder and bounced. _____ 1. The other day I fell off a ladder While I was working on my boat in the boatyard. 2. It was a 5-foot free-fall drop that was so hard That it shock-compressed my lungs And literally made be bounce Somewhat like a basket ball on a concrete court. Lucky I didn't break anything But I was, cut and bruised, inside and out. 3. Declining the help of Drew Who I'd been working with in the yard I tried to get up To prove to myself that I was OK. But as I did, all went white before my eyes So I laid back down on the gravel ground To catch my breath and my consciousness. After a while The white of that oncoming-unconsciousness dissipated And, with the help of Drew's extended hand I was able to get to my feet Without passing out. 208
4. At age 76 This was no minor thing And something that could have been Much worse than it was. Although I recovered enough To get to my feet In the boat yard It was quite a while Before I recovered from everything At home. *****
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One Day He Looked Different 1-9-2019 Not the same as he was. _____ 1. You can see a man everyday for years Looking perfectly and comfortably the same. But then one day when you look at him He looks different. 2. He had changed Subtly but noticeably But you just can't put your finger On exactly how or what. You can also feel it. 3. Human analysis can't pick up on changes very well But animal instinct can. And although it's not scientific It's reliable. 4. One day he's the way he's always been And the next He's different. ***** 210
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Pretending 1-9-2019 A quote from the American writer, Kurt Vonnegut. _____ "We are What we pretend to be. ~ So we must be very careful About pretending." *****
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Circling The Sun 1-9-2019 A parent and child. _____ We circle around the giant Sun Like little children Around a parent. *****
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Life And Love 1-8-2019 An old saying. ______ 1. Life is not forever But love is. 2. While the first line is true I'm not sure the same can be said For the second? *****
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Who Will Listen To My Music? 2-16-2019 I always think about things like this. _____ 1. I write a lot of music But it's curious the way my compositions Begin and develop. 2. Unlike many composers I don't start with some burning melody in my head That I then build into a piece of music. Rather, the geneses of my music Comes in a much different way. 3. Often when I sit down at the piano, It's to take a tension-break From some of the many things I'm working on − Be it financial, personal or business matters. And as soon as I sit down at the piano I experiment with a few notes Which magically and by chance Turn into a pleasant little melody Which then puts me on the irreversible track Of a new composition. 214
4. This scenario happens over and over again Resulting in a huge number of compositions each year. But reflecting on all these works − Totaling 500 pieces to date − I ask myself, "Will anyone ever really listen to my music?" "Will there ever be an audience for them?" Or additionally important "Will my music ever gain any Acceptance, following or notoriety In the music world?" 5. But you know While I certainly write for my own satisfaction And for the sense of accomplishment I get from it As well as from the gratification of knowing That many who have listened to my music Have said they really liked it What I'd really like to know And often wonder about is Who, of any musical prominence Will ever listen to my music And think enough of it to sponsor it And bring it to a larger audience Either during my life Or after I'm gone... If ever? *****
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Rejection 2-15-2019 Rejection and hurt turned violent. _____ 1. She rejected him And that touched his deepest sensitivities And resentments. It also touched the hair-trigger anger That was pent up in him. 2. So in an impulsive burst of love-hate passion He leaped at her And blindly stabbed her over and over again − One stab for each hurt and rejection And many others just for good measure. 3. He made her pay for each hurt And each rejection Many times over Crying throughout it all. *****
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My Music−My Hope 3-14-2019 How I look at my music compositions. _____ 1. Although I often get Many very positive comments about my music I mostly get Lukewarm and polite ones Which is a little disheartening. 2. Although I realize That my music is not for everyone I can't understand Why there isn't more enthusiasm for it For I sincerely believe in my music And feel that it's as good Or in many cases even better Than what I often hear on the radio.
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3. When I listen to my compositions I get so much pleasure out of them And feel all that I felt, when I was composing them. I also feel a great deal of accomplishment and pride In just having composed them. 4. Not meaning to sound or infer Any self-centeredness But only because I truly believe in my music My hope − Unlikely as it may be − Is that Some day Some one Will "discover" my music And bring it to a larger and more appreciative audience. ~ Stanger things have happened. *****
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She Sat Down Next To Me (On Leandra And Kerry) 3-21-2019 Was it a sign from Leandra, and by extension from Kerry too. _____ 1. I was stressed out From the constant demands Of my tenants at 16 River Lane − That come almost on a daily and nightly basis And on one occasion I vetted my frustration to Leandra. 2. My frustration must have shown In both my voice and on my face For she came over And sat down next to me on the coach And touched me on the arm and knee In sympathy and said, "I feel sorry for you, Dad." 3. Oh how much I appreciated that little gesture From my daughter − A gesture of love and concern for her Dad.
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4. Leandra is normally very shy and guarded About showing her feelings So to me, this show of empathy and affection Was a special gift from a daughter to her father. 5. Oh how I took that gesture Not only into my heart that night But also projected it − As a father-poet like me would − Into the future Seeing it perhaps as a foretelling sign That she would show me The same kind of affection and empathy In my old age When I might be helpless and need her care − A sign of love and responsibility To take care of her Dad. 6. Oh my dearest Leandra Do you have any idea What a special gift you gave me That night, and by extension, Into the hopeful future? ~ And by further extension I'm hopeful That that will be the same case with Kerry For he has shown me similar signs of caring. *****
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More Than Enough 2-18-2019 Enough for him. ____ 1. She didn't have any pedigree Nor much in the way of Sophistication Poise, grace or style. 2. She also didn't have much in the way Of an academic education Nor was she very well-read. 3. And furthermore She wasn't that interested, or versed in Social small talk or politics. 4. She was just a plain old girl With a good heart And good common sense And someone who truly loved him. 5. She didn't have much by some standards But she had more than enough for him. ***** 221
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Cheap Shots 7-10-2019 Ungrateful criticism of the US. _____ 1. Stop criticizing this country so much And taking ungrateful and casual advantage of the fact That you are allowed to do so, And to do so, so easily Without any fear of political, police or military retaliation − Stop taking cheap shots. 2. Whatever is wrong with this country Pales in comparison to other countries. 3. Any breaks in the rule of law And breaches of civil rights here Are more likely exceptions to the rule Compared to pervasive and standard practices In the blatantly corrupt systems That you find in so many, many other countries. 4. Be fair and intelligent about your criticisms. Don't take those unresearched, unbecoming and telling Cheap shots Just because you can. ***** 222
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Unfinished Sketches 7-11-2019 Paraphrases from the book "The Girl With Seven Names" about a girl who escaped from North Korea. _____
1. My thoughts are vague My words muffled My resolve soft and uncured My goals are unachiecved And my dreams unfulfilled. 2. The towers of the apartment buildings Disappeared into rain clouds Like unfinished sketches. *****
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Before You Point 7-12-2019 A moderating and wise thing to do. _____ 1. Before you point your finger At others Think first If there's any cause For any fingers To be pointed at you. 2. Nothing in that motto, however Negates Constructive finger pointing Or accountability. *****
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Rough Around The Edges 2-18-2019 An uncut diamond. _____ 1. She's not perfect. But I don't want someone who's perfect As I'd feel uncomfortable with anyone Who's so much better than the imperfect me. 2. The sharp edges of a perfect diamond Would cut me. 3. Furthermore, I don't deserve anyone Who's so perfect. 4. So my girl Being the uncut diamond that she is And rough around the edges Is perfect for me. *****
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You'll Have My Name, But That's All 2-19-2019 Form over substance. _____ 1. In marriage You'll have my name But I'm sorry to say You’ll never have my heart. Can you live with that? 2. Will that be enough for you? For I'm sorry to say That's all I can give. ****
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Thought Provoking Excerpts 12-10-2019 Paraphrased excerpts from the book by Yiyun Li Where Reasons End. _____ ~ I don’t like NYC and its subways As I can’t afford To lose my hearing. ~ The contradictory fable of the Chinese Ironsmith who said: That he could "Make Armor that couldn’t be pieced And Spears that could pierce any Armor." ~ He wanted it all his way: For the mountain to move And the moon to be nailed down. ~ My mind is like fly paper for words. ~ Love isn't made to last. ~ Am I trespassing on your life? ~ The compass in my eye told me where to go. ~ Silence is the best defense and offence But what happens when one counters silence with silence? ~ 227
~ If a snowflake is a perfection of design And no two snowflakes are alike How can two things be perfect? Also, since snowflakes melt How can it be That perfection melts? ~ Words are falcons And our minds are their targets. ~ If you write poetry and no one reads it Does it still count as poetry? ~ Some people live by images Some by sound And others by words. ~ What's between somewhere and nowhere? Any place that's between somewhere and nowhere Will still be somewhere, no? ~ A mother has her memories And a father, his worries. ~ Words fall short But their shadows and echoes Approach infinity. ~ Words have the same 3 dimensions as images. ~ Time goes in one direction But the mind takes many paths. ***** 228
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An "Innocent" Man Behind Bars 1-1-2019 For justice or for grandstanding? _____ 1. He went to trial And was convicted by a jury of his peers But he didn't commit the crime − So he said − And like so many men behind bars do He claimed he was innocent. 2. Oh the outrage Raised by all the bleeding hearts − The ACLU And so many other groups Who are always looking for causes − Causes that are so often more about them And less about the innocents and the victims − More about hypocritical grandstanding Self gratification and the feeding of their egos − More about their own agendas And hoisting up their own flags Than about seeking justice.
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3. So ready are they To win the release of many truly guilty and dangerous criminals Just to be 100% sure that one accused Isn't wrongfully incarcerated Despite the risk to the public with that methodology. Rights for the criminal, by all means At the disregarded expense of the innocent and vulnerable public. Why should the public have to bear Such a disproportionate risk? Nothing's perfect in life. So which is the greater sin − To inadvertently keep one innocent man in prison Or to release many true criminals and put 100 innocents at risk With the proven probability that they will, in fact, be harmed? 4. Oh how I wish these bleeding heart liberals Had a fraction of the empathy and concern For the victims and the truly innocent As they hypocritically say they have for the criminal. 5. Oh how they are so willing to spend millions On the accused's defense, appeals and retrials But little for the protection and healing of the victims. Why? − Because working for the victims is boring And doesn't give them enough stage presence Compared to the excitement and lime-lighting As working for the accused does. How hypocritical and self-serving.
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6. Oh how loudly they chant Holding boisterous rally after boisterous rally For the "possibly" − Not "probably" − Innocent man behind bars But yet would never expend A fraction of that time and effort For the victims and their families − You know, those shadow people Who are almost ignored. They'd rather spend time and money On those who have harmed Than those who need protection Or have in fact, been harmed. 7. And the travesty of it all Is even compounded by the fact That when you talk to the convicts themselves They will often tell you About how many crimes they have gotten away with During their criminal careers So that in rare cases, where they have been wrongly accused That error is more than made up for By virtue of all their unpunished crimes. So justice in so many of these cases Has in fact been served − Just not in a scientific or exact way.
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8. Just as the world we live in is not a perfect one It's not a perfect judicial system that we have But why, I ask you − You bleeding heart liberals − Why make it more imperfect And more unjust Through your disingenuous theatrics? Why? − Because it's all about you Isn't it? *****
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The Ever-Changing Truth 2-16-2019 About truth. _____ 1. The truth is overrated, Subject to varying definitions And to a lot of interpretation. 2. It's a moving target Whose shape keeps changing as well. 3. Now you see it Now you don't. 4. Now you think you see it But no you don't. *****
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