Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Sixteen - An Anthology by Neil Michelsen

f An Anthology of Poems of Neil Michelsen

Written between 1960 to 2014

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17. That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge. Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 Â˝ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut. I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my personal observations, feelings and experiences. Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down. Between 1960 and 2014 Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume

contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th volume, this volume, comprises an anthology of selected poems. While some are included in this anthology, many poems that relate to a number of more sensitive, personal and introspective matters have not been included but are contained in the original 14 volumes. I apologize if any offense is taken with anything Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors. It is my hope that the poems Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve written, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27.

From Volume 1 of General Poems Will The Stars All Fall Down On Me? A Chair Still Empty I Gave Away My Camelot Tonight I’ll Have To Tell Him Welcome Home A Moon At 3 am Taking Turns An Intersection Halfway Around The World Someday He’d Show Them All All These Things I Dreamed Thank God For The Red Cape A Little Star At Night They Still Stare To A Dead Warrior That Last Good-Bye Look And Touch To A Winter Weed Afraid Of The Dark It’s Better Just To Be Invisible Doing What Children Do And What Did He Know About Princesses? Hearing Silent Things As Beautiful As Your Eyes Held The Moon (To Bich-Thuy) A Seducing Dusk Looking Up − Why Did My Mother Have To Die On Me? I Was Never Of This World Things He Thought Were Dead

1 3 5 9 12 15 17 23 25 27 29 31 33 35 37 39 41 44 47 49 51 53 54 56 58 59 60

28. How Many Summers Do I Have Left? 29. Going Out The Same Way I Came In 30. On Night And The Whispered Words Of Love (To Helen) 31. A Heavy Winter Sea (To Helen) 32. I Remember All These Things And More (On Bich-Thuy) 33. Your Hand Now Holding Mine 34. Oh Mother Dear, Why Did You Leave Us? 35. Marooned At The Top 36. Have I Come Home Too Late? 37. Friends And Enemies 38. The Artist Is A Child 39. The Empty Workshop 40. The Loss (To Sharon) 41. Fact And Emotion (To Bich-Thuy) 42. All These Things I Tell Myself (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 43. The Multiplication of Life And Death 44. Each Progression Has A Cost (To Sharon) 45. My Tempest 46. Horrid Dreams 47. In A Park, Watching And Listening 48. Expecting Winter 49. The Barren Trees Obey 50. A Cold Wet Sunday Morn 51. A Lost Love 52. Age Verses Innocence 53. Nothing Else In Store (On Sharon?) 54. To Repay What Was Loaned 55. Are We Better Or Worse Off? 56. The End Of Flesh 57. On Solitude 58. To A Lovely Day 59. Ode To An Orange Vesper View 60. A February Moon 61. The Noble Efforts Of The Moon 62. A Silent Reprimand (To Jane) 63. Competing Forces 64. At Sea 65. Overlooking Honolulu From Tripler (To Bich-Thuy) 66. At Sea Today â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Tonight

62 64 66 73 75 77 79 83 86 88 89 92 95 97 101 104 107 110 112 113 114 116 118 121 123 125 128 131 133 135 136 138 141 143 145 147 149 150 152

67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92.

93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100. 101. 102. 103. 104. 105.

I Cannot Sleep Because Of Her (To Bich-Thuy) Nearing To The End Of Night Never To See Her Again? (To Bich-Thuy) A Cold Rainy Windy Night My Gift To You Tonight (On Bich-Thuy In Hawaii) Headlights On The Snow Thanks But I Can See My Own Way Out They Shall Become Our Masters We Must Kill To Live! It Was Then That I Knew Nature Only Needs You For A Little While Or Better Yet... A Blank Page And The Open Sea Prisoners Of The Soil And Beggars For The Sun Trees Starch Up Your Tents It’s Not Easy But I’m Trying The Dump Ready Or Not Leaky Bottom That Slight Hesitation That Skinny Wall-Flower Tree A Conversation At A Gravesite Life And Death − Please Stop Your Fighting The Memory Of A Cold Winter’s Night Not So Distant Lay A Fear From Volume 2 of General Poems Cursed Souls Crying Let Me Rest In Peace If Only You And I Moonlight On A Field Of Snow Fog Night We Might Have Gone To Heaven (To Sharon) The Haunted House Only Thinking Makes It So The Beauty Of A Fallen Snow (To Al Capone) I Know The Truth But My Heart Won’t Listen (To Sharon) I Look To This Maiden Fair (To Judy) The Very Mention Of Her Name (On Sharon?) Oversensitivity

154 157 159 162 164 168 170 174 176 180 181 183 187 189 191 194 198 201 206 208 213 220 223 228 230 233

236 237 239 241 242 244 246 250 251 255 258 260 261

106. 107. 108. 109. 110. 111. 112. 113. 114. 115. 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. 121. 122. 123. 124. 125. 126. 127. 128. 129. 130. 131. 132. 133. 134. 135. 136. 137. 138. 139. 140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147.

I Dream I’m On An Ancient Ship Only In The Mind Of Man Contemplation On A Recent Death To An Old Woman The Beginning Of Eternity The Morn The Gas Closed In The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree Still A Faint Contentment Beats Vanishing At Dusk An Easy Take And Killing Dawn Breaks Away From Night The Words Of A Dying Man From Her Loss (On Sharon) All Was Gone − Except The Dark And Scary Night The Little Light We Carved Out Of The Night Sorrow Is My Vision (To Sharon) Spring Surprise An Early Falling Leaf Dragging A Good Day Down It Was Always Stalking Me Finding Land Thank You But I’ll Just Wait The Right Decision After All He Stopped Taking His Medicine The Ocean And The Night The Compassion Of The Moon I Know Not Where You Are (To Gwen) Reincarnation Never Alone A Demon’s Eyes? A Misty Snow I Saw The Value Of Your Love! (To Gwen) Conspiracy! On Time And Faults Engrained Free To Love (To Helen) Return To New York City On Man And Nature Past Wounds Have Done Their Damage Here As Sorrow Has Decreed The Girl Who Just Disappeared (To Barbara) Only As A Lover Should (To Helen)

262 264 265 267 270 273 274 276 277 278 280 282 283 287 289 293 296 298 299 301 302 303 305 306 309 311 314 315 317 318 319 323 324 326 327 329 331 333 335 336 327 339

148. 149. 150. 151. 152. 153. 154. 155. 156. 157. 158. 159. 160. 161. 162. 163. 164. 165. 166. 167. 168. 169. 170. 171. 172. 173. 174. 175. 176. 177. 178. 179. 180. 181. 182. 183. 184. 185. 186. 187. 188. 189.

Wind, Tell Me Of A Coming Love Fog Night I In Turn Will Shatter Hers (On Gwen And Carol) I See My Side Is Empty (To Gwen) When She Began To Play Impressions Of Winter And Helen (To Helen) And It All Began From There (To Barbara Jane – BJ”) Thoughts On Watch At Sea I Showed You The Stars (To Bich-Thuy) Thoughts At Sea During The Mid-Watch She Has Sprung On Me Like A Cat (On “BJ”) Please Forgive My Haste (To Bich-Thuy) Bending Slowly Thoughts At Sea Made Me Sad Frost Ring I Stopped My Mind On You (To Bich-Thuy) The Full Weight Of Night We Used To Fly Like The Stars (On Bich-Thuy) A City Fog When Others Were With Their Friends I’m All Too Serious This Yellow Sky At Dusk China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) When Thuy Was Next To Me (On Bich-Thuy) The Fingers Of The Trees – The Corals Of The Sea The Rope Walker Bangkok At Dawn He’s Hit Edge Walker Trees In Spring Not Missing Anyone A Name Embedded In My Heart (On Sharon?) A Mural Sunset Who I’m Not My Bookends Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You His Little Plastic Pill Container Wishing You Were Here So What’s The Point? Instant Spring Don’t Be Too Nice To Me I Can Wait

341 342 344 346 349 350 351 353 355 357 358 360 362 364 365 366 367 368 370 372 374 375 377 379 380 382 384 386 391 393 394 396 397 399 401 402 403 408 409 410 411 413

190. 191. 192. 193. 194. 195. 196. 197.

198. 199. 200. 201. 202. 203. 204. 205. 206. 207. 208. 209. 210. 211. 212. 213. 214. 215. 216. 217. 218. 219. 220. 221. 222. 223. 224. 225. 226. 227. 228.

Boxer, Gladiator Two Open Questions The Straddlers Mother Earth The Cabo Frio Light I Still Don’t Know The Ending Memory, You’re Up To Your Old Tricks Again I’m Going In From Volume 3 of General Poems Just By Our Association Just Before I Go To Sleep I Think About My Life Fluff Up My Pillow Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend To Her − To Him We Are Of Little Consequence A Song That Everybody Sings Questions, Questions Keep Your Jewels Graffiti Wars Trying To Find The Words Safely In Their Graves My Gentlemen’s Club Have I Found My Peace Of Mind? Retirement Taking It To His Afterlife One Sour Word Life Was Imposed On Us Just Right Around The Corner The Death Of Summer Getting His Own Private Room A Zero Sum Game? Neon Sunrise Something, Nothing Or Neither? It All Depends Upon Your Point Of View Here I Am But Here I’m Not With The Reward Of Heaven Comes The Risk Of Hell You Could Have Gone On By It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him Ghosts In This Old House? I’m A Dead And Dried Up Leaf

414 416 418 421 426 429 431 434

436 430 440 442 445 448 449 451 453 455 456 458 459 462 464 467 469 471 472 474 476 478 480 482 484 487 489 491 493 495 498

229. 230. 231. 232. 233. 234. 235. 236. 237. 238. 239. 240. 241. 242. 243. 244. 245. 246. 247. 248. 249. 250. 251. 252. 253. 254. 255. 256. 257. 258. 259.

I Am A Miner And A Fisherman Has He Ever? As Much As I? The Best Of Starts − The Worst Of Ends Worry, Worry No Time To Lose Thank God For Worries 12 Feet Marks The Entire Range Of Our Existence Slowly Driving Past Your House What Took You So Long? Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All Will You Go Out With Me Tonight? In Many Ways I Envy Him When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone Painting By The Numbers Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me I Said I Would − I Said I Wouldn’t Staring Out My Window − Just Like Before? My Death Will Be An Inside Job Oh Life, You Are Without Pity Or Emotion My Heart Can’t Heal Itself I Live For New Beginnings Children And Old Men Having My Cake And Eating It Too Quiet Morn Respite And Recovery The Magic Show Rifle Shots In Winter Collision At Sea Help Is On The Way Don’t Mourn For Me

500 502 504 505 507 509 511 512 516 518 520 521 523 525 526 528 530 532 534 536 538 540 541 544 546 548 551 553 553 561 563

260. 261. 262. 263. 264. 265. 266. 267. 268.

From Volume 4 of General Poems The Smell Of Pain In The Air Gossiping He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower Taking The Long Way Home Beating The Apocalypse They Say A Lot Of Things The Past Drags Along Behind Me My Image Of Retirement (On My Uncle Arthur) The Howling Wind

564 565 567 568 570 572 575 577 580

269. 270. 271. 272. 273. 274. 275. 276. 277. 278. 279. 280. 281. 282. 283. 284. 285. 286. 287. 288. 289. 290. 291. 292. 293. 294. 295. 296. 297. 298. 299. 300. 301. 302. 303. 304. 305. 306. 307. 308.

He Made Himself A Drink To Take Upstairs Would It Be Enough? The Death Of A Little Bug Kindness Or Just A Cruel Trick? Will He Run Out Of Time Or Ink? What’s Said Is Said They Learn Too Soon Unraveling The String Of Life The Sable Hours The Ocean Of The Mind The Allegory Of A Bird Tender Fingers (To Gwen) The Dream (To Gwen) Vulture Food Always To The Future My Imaginary Fleet On A Rainy February Morn Heavy Undercurrents Of Mood Give Release To Me On Man’s Position On Experience Melancholy And Depression A Dance Of Wind And Rain Someday My Death? I Lie Amidst The Silence Of My Room Buyer Beware Just Before Dawn When You’re A Worry-Wart My Heart Is Sore (To Carol Lee Johnson) Carol, What Holds Your Letter? (To Carol Lee Johnson) The Night Drapes Around Me A Cinderella New York City Bar Girl Too Much Of A Dream The Subways She’s Been The Saddest Heartbreak Of My Life (On Thuy) In The Deep Of A Bar In Thailand Moonlight By The Bed The Lure Of Melancholy How Naïve Keep Up Your Vigilance

584 587 589 593 596 598 602 604 605 606 608 612 613 614 615 616 618 619 620 621 624 626 627 628 630 631 635 636 638 639 640 641 643 645 647 648 649 650 652 653

309. 310. 311. 312. 313. 314. 315. 316. 317. 318. 319. 320. 321. 322. 323. 324. 325. 326. 327. 328. 329. 330. 331. 332. 333. 334. 335. 336. 337. 338. 339. 340. 341. 342. 343. 344. 345. 346. 347. 348.

From Volume 5 of General Poems Just You And Me Old Spider The Stone In His Pocket To Be The Kindest (Remembering Bich-Thuy) The Waiting Room Mayflies Waiting To Be Led His Cross-Eyed Obsession A Little Companion Star Looking For A Motto I Refuse To Go To Heaven Without The Animals A Face Deformed A Second Chance Where My Failings Don’t Count So Much The First Note Of The Music My Imaginary Audience My Paintings Are Kind Of Shy Only Scales Apart Learning To Fly I Bring My Prey Back Home They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty Just To Have Decided Please Keep Me Off This Ledge This Will Be My Future Looking In Reality And Fantasy That Tiny Other World But Here I Am The Undisputed King All The Heaven That I Know We Sit Next To Death The Whole Train Ride Somewhere In Between If I Didn’t Have My Pains Don Quixote I Only Fix The Walls Hang On To The Hanger-On No One Knows Waiting For The Final “Next” Beggars Can’t Be Choosey Writing Letters In The Dark Why Do We Audience The Messenger So Much? The Waitress Who I Never Got To Know

654 656 658 659 660 661 662 664 665 667 670 672 674 676 679 681 683 685 687 689 691 693 695 698 700 702 704 706 707 709 711 712 714 716 718 719 720 722 724 726

349. 350. 351. 352. 353. 354. 355. 356. 357.

That Little Pencil On My Ear Living On The Edge Of Life Keep Looking For The Light My Ladies Of The Night Roman Candle I Overlook The Harbor The Fence A Little Hole In The Sky Reaching For The Fountain Of Youth

728 729 731 733 735 736 738 742 744

358. 359. 360. 361. 362. 363. 364. 365. 366. 367. 368. 369. 370. 371. 372. 373. 374. 375. 376. 377. 378. 379. 380. 381. 382. 383. 334. 385. 386. 387. 388.

From Volume 6 of General Poems I Just Can’t Leave It Alone My Grief Has Twenty Shadows Embarrassment Visual Democracy A Soft Retreat She Cried When She Saw It (To Bich-Thuy) Life Is Measured In Heartbeats Sunshine In Your Blue Eyes (To Sharon) When Substance Is Gone High Above Manhattan True Love Gives Strength (To Gwen) Away From Gwen (To Carol Lee Johnson) I Reminisce A Black Night Fog She Had Died Sometime Before Dreaming As The Day Is Paling An Incident In Tokyo My Chariot Away Searching For A Motto Look Through The Blades Of The Spinning Fan Running From Her Memory (On Bich-Thuy) No One Was Listening A Message On A Subway Wall To Open All The Flowers A Good Sleep And A Fresh White Shirt Have I Missed Something? Still Playing Hide And Seek Oh Life, I Gave You All I Had − But Did I? I Really Used To Be Somebody Going Out On A Low Note Again?

745 746 747 749 751 753 755 756 759 760 761 762 763 764 765 766 767 769 771 772 774 776 778 779 780 781 782 784 786 788 790

389. 390. 391. 392. 393. 394.

I Need To Stay Away From Heights What Was It That Was So Important? I Saw The World When I Was Bulletproof The Lady Bug Onions And Sour Pickles Just By Association (On Tom Carroll And I)

792 793 795 799 802 803

395. 396. 397. 398. 399. 400. 401. 402. 403. 404. 405. 406. 407. 408. 409. 410. 411. 412. 413. 414. 415. 416. 417. 418. 419. 420. 421. 422. 423.

From Volume 7 of General Poems Bushido Old Memories Inside Out Everything Has A Mind And Thinks Finding God This World Is Ours And Theirs Dusk Defeats Stone Truth When Love Is True (To Gwen) Steamy Rendezvous (To Pamela) A Meaning I Miss You Darling Girl (To Gwen) Looking At My Hands And Thinking Of The Piano Full Of Unanswered Letters I Love Her When I’m Lonely (On Gwen) To Kill A Man Not Wanting To Awaken Her (On Stella) A Bar Fight In Denver Don’t Try To Follow Me Oh What They Are Missing My Music Atrium Thunder In The Well God Preserves All Our Tears No You Didn’t Turn Out Alright I’m Dying To Die Oh What The Years Had Taken I Give Up, Then Rally My Lists Are A Constant Nag Missing Home But Not

806 808 809 811 813 816 817 818 819 820 822 824 825 826 827 829 830 831 833 835 836 837 839 840 842 844 847 849 851

From Volume 8 of General Poems 424. Brethren Animals In The Herd 425. To Light The Dark 426. Let Me Love You (Maybe To Sharon)

853 855 856

427. 428. 429. 430. 431. 432. 433. 434. 435. 436. 437. 438. 439. 440.

Clouds From Nowhere A Song With Wings A Subtle Fear Settled In I Took A Chance The Pain Would Pass They Can’t Do You Any Harm Things Take Their Toll Curses Breed They Tell Me Scary Stories In My Sleep Over All My Drinks I Am A Cloth Not Fully Wrung Out Yet At No Extra Charge Days On The Farm And Nights In Town Miracles Are All About Always Standing On Lines

From the Volume: Michelsen Family – of Brooklyn 441. Mom’s In A Cold, Cold Grave 442. My Grandfather’s Death 443. My Father’s Aging 444. Mother’s Day 445. I Didn’t Hug Him So Convincingly 446. I Heard Him Crying Down The Hall 447. Standing In Their Empty Room 448. My Father’s Sweater 449. He Also Said Goodbye 450. Transported To The Past 451. Changing History 452. All Out Of Sequence 453. “Can You Get It?” 454. My Father’s Old New Shoes 455. “Eat The Chocolate” 456. A Thousand Soldiers Must Die

457. 458. 459. 460.

From the Volume: Michelsen Family – of Connecticut Come To My Bedside As Rich As I For Which Should I Prepare Myself? Be Careful What You Ask For

From the Volume: for Kerry and Leandra Michelsen 461. Always Planting For A Future Harvest 462. A Perfect Ending

857 858 859 860 862 864 866 867 869 870 871 872 874 875

876 878 880 882 884 888 890 984 896 899 904 908 911 914 917 919

921 923 925 927

929 931

463. In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames 464. Taking Down The Swings

465. 466. 467. 468.

From the Volume: for Violeta Michelsen It Seems Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve Loved You All My Life I Want To See You Cry I Kiss Her Goodnight Anyway Every Flower Will Hold Her Face

*****

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938 940 941 944

Poems of Neil Michelsen

y Will The Stars All Fall Down On Me? 12-14-2010 Losing distant but precious things. _____ 1. Will all the stars one night Be shaken from the sky And all fall down on me? 2. Will these heavenly jewels That I loved so much Be stolen away from me? 3. Will I come home some night And find that all the stars Have left the sky? 4. As cold and distant as they were They were always there for me Whenever I needed them.

5. Should I prepare myself for the dreaded night When I might find the sky All dark and empty? 6. Will I some night find that all the sparkling stars That used to keep my night alive Have died on me? 7. Will I one day lose my starry friends Just like all the other things I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t keep? 8. Will the stars one night All fall down on me? *****

y A Chair Still Empty 3-26-2003 A desperate hope. _____ 1. He looked across the dinner table And counted four. So he counted again just to be sure But still there were only four. 2. After so many counts before Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d think heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d know by now That there would always be Only four. 3. At every sitting since she died He would count Hoping for that one time When perhaps There would be five.

4. Not this time though As the chair directly to his right − The one that used to be his wife’s − Was still empty and staring back at him Telling him again Just like all the other times before That she was gone. 5. Each time he looked into that empty chair He filled it with her image Just as he had all the other times before For that empty chair Was all that he had left of her. 6. If he concentrated long and hard enough One day he might find her there. This was his desperate hope and dream. But after all of his many counts before You’d think he’d know by now. 7. Each day he keeps on counting − Counting four today But hoping there’d be five tomorrow. Missing one today But maybe not tomorrow. Off by one today But maybe not tomorrow. *****

y I Gave Away My Camelot 9-1-2005 The unintended consequences of a good deed. (Inspired by a true story.) _____ 1. In Cambodia I saved a group of children Who’d been victims of the sex trade. With my help Their captors were caught and sentenced And the children Were all placed in loving homes. 2. And when I see them now With their newly-adopted Moms and Dads − Nearly normal once again And the way things ought to be − I cry with deep relief and joy for them And feel so proud of what I did.

3. But now I have these nightmares That I never had before And new heartaches too For in saving them I lost my own peace of mind − The peace of mind I’d always taken for granted And never thought about before For I discovered a depth of horror in the world That I hadn’t known before And was sheltered from. But in saving them I’ve been forced to think about All the other children Who I didn’t help And “willingly” left behind. 4. Now I suffer with the knowledge Of just how much Evil there is in this world And what little one can do about it. I also suffer knowing That whatever good I did Had little effect on anything In the scale of things Which thought alone Has stripped me of the pride and satisfaction That I initially had In doing what I did.

5. I would have been better off Just leaving things alone For now I’ve taken on The heavy weight of guilt and disappointment On account of all the other victims Who I hadn’t helped. 6. I would have been better off Not doing anything For I’ve given away my innocence For very little gain. I’ve given away my Camelot For a lonely place in Hell. 7. By helping them I’ve hurt myself For I’ve seen some things I can’t forget. I’ve lost my innocence and my peace of mind And in its stead I’ve taken on a host of worries and regrets − Too much for any one man to carry. I would have been better off Just leaving things alone.

8. I cleansed away a little spot of sin But soiled myself for life. I turned over a rock And found a peep-hole into Hell. I opened up Pandoraâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Box And let all the Evils of the world escape. I saw Methuselah And turned myself to stone. I gave away my Camelot For a lonely place in Hell. *****

Tonight I’ll Have To Tell Him 5-10-2010 The pain of delivering and receiving bad news. _____ 1. I was notified today That his only son and child Had been killed in the war In some remote village Somewhere half way around the world − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him that. 2. His wife had passed away early in his life So he never had the family He’d been planning for And the only family that he had Was his only son. But now, with his death He doesn’t even have that − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him so.

3. He mentioned to me just yesterday That the letter from his son Was unusually late. “Snail mail”, he said, Trying to make light of it − Trying to hide What he was always worried sick about. His son’s letters always came on time But yesterday When he opened the little green mailbox In the front of his house It was empty − And tonight, I’ll have to tell him why. 4. When he got home from work I was already there waiting for him. But as I began to speak He held up his hand and politely said, “Just a minute, please, I want to check the mail.” I watched the disappointment in his face As he turned to me and said, “What’s wrong with the mail these days?” In about a minute or so I’ll have tell him − That it’s not the mail.

5. Later that night At about 9 pm and already dark I walked over to his house again Just to check to see how he was doing â&#x2C6;&#x2019; But this time, there was nothing I could tell him. 6. I stood on the sidewalk Just outside of his house And saw him sitting in that tattered old chair of his Under a dim and solitary lamp light. And as I watched him I felt the same excruciating pain That I felt earlier today When I put a knife in his heart â&#x2C6;&#x2019; And told him about his only son. *****

y Welcome Home 6-1-2011 Returning from Asia and dealing with reorientation. _____ 1. I’m home now Back from halfway around the world And trying to get reacquainted With my new surroundings. It feels like home But it also feels…different. 2. Although I feel I’m home I’m nervous and unsure And not completely comfortable yet. 3. So as I lay here in my bed tonight Listening to the frogs Down along the river bank Croaking, “Welcome home”, to me, so convincingly I’m tempted to trust them And to accept their greetings at face value But yet I remain wary of their truthfulness.

4. They seem like the same tenants That I had when I left But I can’t be sure, exactly. I want to believe that I’m really home But there’s still something − Something unsettling And uneasy inside of me. 5. All night long they croak, “Welcome home. Welcome home.” And all night long I wonder If their repeated chants are genuine Or just a clever ruse to wear me down. 6. So I listen intently Trying to detect some mistake That would give their game away. But there are none − Not so far anyway. 7. My body and mind have been indoctrinated To another place Halfway around the world And so I’m hesitant to be so easily swayed By all their chants of “Welcome home” On this My first night back.

8. In time Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll probably adjust And come around to believe That I really am home. But for now I must remain cautious And not allow myself To become too gullible Too soon. *****

y A Moon At 3 am 2-15-2011 Thoughts evoked by a setting moon. _____ 1. I woke up at 3 am And saw a big bright moon outside my window Slowly rolling inch by inch Without a breath of sound Down the branch of a distant tree. 2. And when it reached the end of the branch It fell off And onto an irregular horizon of trees and houses. And then Like a sunset It slowly sank until it disappeared Leaving only the faded remnants Of its hallowed glow.

3. And when the Night came It cradled this aged and failing moon in its arms And, with the premeditation and compassion Of one who caringly puts down a dying animal, It smothered out Whatever light and life that it had left. Then gently It pulled the blanket of Darkness over its head Respectfully marking its silent death. 4. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure what awakened me Or why I was chosen To witness the passing of this moon. Perhaps I sensed something The way an animal senses things. 5. With its lovely image still in my mind And feeling privileged To have witnessed this Nightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s miracle I gradually closed my eyes and fell asleep Believing that the world Was not as dreadful as I had thought But rather maybe warm and beautiful And full of promise All from the glory of that moon At 3 am. *****

y Taking Turns (The Seasons) (Manila) 5-7-2011 The war-like campaigns of the seasons. _____ 1. Oh Winter Winds Whip hard every wizened weed, bush and tree And make them all shiver in the Cold. 2. And Winter Storms Bury everything you can Up to their necks in Snow And drape all the evergreens in Ice Until they fully bend and almost break.

3. Oh Winter I know that you take pride in thinking That you’ve defeated All the Life that lived last Summer But you’re mistaken For those you think you’ve killed and buried Under your frozen Snows Are not dead But rather only dazed and playing possum − Only biding their time and cleverly duping you Into exhausting yourself and over-inflating your confidence Just to make you believe that you have won. 4. Oh Winter Though your Snows have smothered all your Summer rivals They are still alive and only hunkered down Preparing themselves for the coming battle − Just waiting for that bugle call to begin their charge The very moment your Snows begin to melt. 5. Oh Winter With the gentle urging Of the new-born vernal Sun Beware, for the underground Frost Is beginning to soften And the sleepy roots are getting ready To waken and advance.

6. Oh Winter Be careful not to boast too much now − Now that you’re in charge − So you won’t have to eat your words Or hear your sharp-toothed roars Turn into whimpers When one day your Snows will melt And the little flowers of Spring Will bravely shoulder themselves Up through the ground like Phoenixes. And despite their shivering In the cold morning chill They’ll not retreat. 7. And Winter As your white sheets of snow Begin to shrink Against the advancing greens and browns of Spring And the stone-cold stillness of the Ice Begins to thin and crack and join in the revolt Signaling a turning point in the war Don’t fight it anymore But rather surrender your sword With the grace and honor Of a defeated and noble warrior.

8. And victorious Spring Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t scoff at Winter as it begins to falter Against your advancing army of Life. And donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t gloat either Or be tempted by revenge. But rather, be respectful And accept with honor The throne that it will abdicate to you Remembering that Winter was once your King And you were once its subject. 9. The Sky that was a freezing Winter blue Is now a warm Summer blue. And the dead and frozen woods Are now filled with life Scurrying about with pent-up energy Freed at last from their Winter celibacy. But while Spring and Summer Enjoy their new-found freedom Someone should remind them Of what they should already know instinctively That their clocks are running now And their time is short And that Fall and Winter Are on their way again.

10. So Spring and Summer Prepare yourselves both mentally and physically For your own impending abdications When you yourselves Will be forced to descend your thrones In humble favor Of Fall and Winter. 11. So Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall Please enjoy your respective reigns Without being boastful Or disrespectful to each other. And recognize that youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all part Of a rotating, four-party, monarchial system And should always be prepared For your inevitable transitions But taking comfort in the fact That all in good time Your turn will come again. *****

y An Intersection Halfway Around The World (Manila) 5-8-2011 And intersection by chance or by destiny? _____ 1. For some reason my mind was racing And I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get to sleep So I got up And looked out of my 15-story hotel window. I felt as though I was on the edge of a towering cliff Looking down into a deep valley. 2. It was then that I noticed One lone truck on the street below In the misty morning dark Just before dawn In downtown Manila.

3. One lone truck On the street below − That’s all the life I saw that pre-dawn night − One lone trucker Way down there On his lonely journey to somewhere And me, unable to sleep, Looking out of my window at him From way up here. 4. All during our lives We’d never met And for the rest of our lives We’ll never meet again. But on this single morning – On this dark and drizzling morning in downtown Manila − We found our lives had intercepted For this one and only time. 5. Our intersection started many years ago As two infinitesimal spots On opposite sides of the horizon That had now converged At this one pin-point in time and space − At this little unplanned Yet maybe predestined rendezvous.

6. In a second or two When the light turns green The trucker and I will begin to diverge Where once again we’ll become Infinitesimal spots on opposite horizons Then fall over our respective edges and disappear With no one ever knowing − Expect for me − That we’d ever met. 7. Tonight, just before dawn It was just me looking out of my hotel window From way up here On that one lone trucker on the street Way down below there Waiting for the light With neither one of us knowing Where the other came from Or was going to But only That we each had been on a life-long path That would ultimately have us meet Either by destiny or happenstance At this tiny dark and drizzly pre-dawn spot In time and space Halfway around the world In downtown Manila. *****

Someday He’d Show Them All 9-15-2011 The big hope of an unrecognized man. _____ 1. All the belittlements he suffered Were catalogued and filed away In his over-sensitive heart. Every misinterpretation of his words and actions Was duly noted in his tortured head. Every vote of no confidence Was registered and tallied inside of him All in preparation for His day of vindication When all the slights, sins, and honest errors Made in his disfavor Would one day be rectified. 2. He had to make himself believe That there’d come a day When they would finally see The man he really was − The man that no one thought he was − The man of hidden talents and undiscovered worth − For if he didn’t make himself believe it He’d never survive the weight Of his own self-doubt and insignificance.

3. Someday he’d show them all. Someday he’d make them eat their words. Someday he’d burn a brand new image of himself In their skeptical and undiscerning minds. 4. And if he didn’t become that person in life He’d become so in his death. Someday he’d show them all Just who he really was − One way or the other. 5. That’s what keeps him going. That’s what helps him face his day. That’s the hope he’s hoping for When he goes to bed And the dream he dreams of in his sleep − That someday he’d show them all When the little man becomes the giant And everyone will have to stand In the specter of his shadow. ~ Someday he’d show them all. *****

y All These Things I Dreamed 4-26-2001 Imagining a love that never was. _____ 1. We loved together For hours into the night. We dreamed our dreams In each otherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s arms. And when the morning came We woke up face to face. 2. I took you to romantic dinners And by candle light With tears in my eyes I toasted to our love. 3. I cried when you gave birth. And as our children grew We held each otherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hand For we were both so proud of them And us.

4. And as we aged our love grew deeper And in many new dimensions. 5. I was amazed how I could still find Such pleasure in your touch â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Your hair, your skin Your breath, your scent And the magic of our love After all these years. 6. All these things I dreamed â&#x2C6;&#x2019; As if they were real. *****

y Thank God For The Red Cape 9-14-2010 Keeping the heavier thoughts distracted. _____ 1. My little daily worries Keep me busy and distracted By running unintended But welcomed interference Against the larger worries and regrets Of my heavy past That would otherwise gang up on me. 2. If my mind were free and unoccupied And there were no interferences It would accumulate All the haunting disappointments in my life And crush me under their weight. 3. If I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have my daily worries As my little fingers in the dike It would rupture from all the cracks That never got repaired And swiftly wash me away.

4. If I didn’t have my daily worries To defend myself against the memories Of all my many bad decisions and results I’d easily be felled Right where I stood. 5. If I didn’t have my daily worries To fend off the prowling hounds Of all my melancholy yesterdays They’d easily tear me limb from limb. 6. If I didn’t have my daily worries To step in between the sour memories Of my past And the fears and apprehensions Of what might lie ahead They’d all conspire And douse my will to face tomorrow. 7. If I didn’t have that bright red cape Of all my little daily worries To confuse and distract the raging bull Inside of me I’d be at the mercy of the beast. *****

y A Little Star At Night 8-4-1963 Providing inspirational comfort to us as best she can. (Written in a New York City bar after attending a free chamber music concert in Washington Square Park.) _____ 1. The dark and quiet night holds firm A faint and glimmering star in distant set. Way up there it holds a vantage point To help it understand and best discern Our struggling world and extend to us Both its sympathy and regrets. 2. Oh how often that little star Has received our upturned faces Begging for help of any kind However small or brief. And how often she has given us comfort With her pin-point beacon of light That she always keeps lit for us.

3. Unfortunately though Nature has set her limits Which only allows her To be our faithful little muse To whom we can lift our eyes and hopes And provide us at least Some heavenly relief From all our earthly abuse. 4. So as I gaze upon this little star In a sea of a trillion miles Of mute-black airless space tonight I thank her for her kind and loyal support In just being there for us On so many of our lonely, lonely nights. *****

y They Still Stare 10-18-1962 Self-conscious imagination or reality? _____ 1. Their eyes were all over me Watching and staring And cutting me to pieces Like razor blades. 2. I prayed that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be strong enough some day To face this world But the more I tried the more I felt A disappointing mix of anger and despair. 3. Are their stares only curious and innocent glances? Or are they rather something more sinister Like the thrusts of well-aim lances That are meant to kill?

4. I’m always searching for the reason As to why they stare But self-consciousness alone May be the only reason they do And that it’s all in my head − But nevertheless They still stare. *****

y To A Dead Warrior 1-14-1963 The soul trapped after death. _____ 1. I hear the crashing of the waves Upon this damp and desolate beach I’m on. I see seagulls soaring against the sun-scorched sky And hear the rustle of the swaying reeds. I feel every gust and breeze That comes to teach the sand obedience And to preach its gospel to the dunes. And as a fallen soldier It’s here upon this barren beach I’ll have to stay Until I fully rot away. 2. My soul is locked up now In my decaying corpse Detained within its prison shell Longing to be free − Free to fly to either Heaven or to Hell Whichever Fate may choose. Oh these bustling waves − Will their thunder ever quell? No, not until my body’s prison, I will lose. So here my soul and I will have to stay Until I fully rot away.

3. Face down in stark disgrace Is how I’ll have to wait Until each breath of wind has called to duty Enough sand to eventually grind away my flesh And bleach my bones. Until each restless rise and fall of the tide Finds and cleanses All the chasms of my skeleton And leaves it polished and abandoned It’s waiting, waiting here I’ll have to stay Until I fully rot away. 4. Oh Nature Please be quick To swallow up my body where it lay For until you do It’s here my soul and I are doomed to stay Until I fully rot away. *****

y That Last Good-Bye Look And Touch 6-19-2004 All day she seemed reserved to him until she said good-bye. _____ 1. She was kind of cool to him And he could feel it all throughout the day. He had thought that when they met After so many intervening years And after all that they’d been through together That there would be: A little more warmth, More longing, More emotion, More pining over the love they had But couldn’t keep. 2. Throughout the day she made him feel A little sad and disappointed Just as she always had. After all the love that they had shared He thought that there would be A little more hint of it − At least for today − But there wasn’t And his expectations were frustrated once again Just as they’d always been with her. 37

3. But, at the end of the day When they were saying their good-byes He saw it in her face and eyes, He felt it in her touch upon his cheek, And he heard it in her silence, “I love you still.” (At least that’s what he thought he heard.) 4. And when he asked his heart What it had heard It said the same thing, “I love you still.” (At least that’s what he thought it said.) *****

y To A Winter Weed 1-7-1964 The fortitude of a small winter weed. _____ 1. You are nothing but a weak and tiny winter weed â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Nothing but a dried up, brown and hollow stalk â&#x2C6;&#x2019; So how is it then That you can endure this ice-cold night? How indeed? 2. How is it that you can bear To have your hollow columned walls Fill up with freezing winds that ought To kill you with their icy gall? 3. How can you stand The freezing cold night air? How can you survive just as you are So naked and bare With only your thin layer of skin? What special strength Has Fate provided you within?

4. And when you see a dim-lit star A million miles away from where you are You must feel the truest sense of distance and despair. 5. Oh winter weed, how is it that you can bear Without complaint your freezing fate and lonely fare From where you are, way down there? *****

y Afraid Of The Dark (Preparing For Death) (Iloilo, Philippines) 5-3-2011 Trying to prepare for death. _____ 1. I’m now Only hours away from Death And very afraid. 2. Here I lay in my bed Looking all around the room Petrified that I’ll be leaving the world At any moment now. 3. The minute my name is called Death, who’s been waiting outside my door Will burst into the room − The room and hiding place That I thought I could keep secret − And drag me out like a dirty old rag-doll That Life doesn’t need or want anymore.

4. I pull the sheets up over my head And make everything go dark To try and replicate as best I can The dark new world that’s coming In a desperate effort To prepare myself for Death − As if somehow that would help. 5. Pulling the sheets up over my head Is my feeble and unsteady attempt To prepare myself So that it won’t be so frightening When the time actually comes For me to close my eyes And the Dark swallows me whole. 6. It’s my desperate attempt To build my courage up − A dress rehearsal for the real thing − A practice run before the main event. But despite all my preparations I’m still no braver Than a scared little boy afraid of the Dark And hiding under the covers.

7. How can I ever really prepare myself For something like this − This, the most ominous And frightening event in my life − The transition from Life to Death? I can’t, but I also can’t Not help trying either. 8. All of my attempts to prepare for Death Are shallow schemes And little more than shadow boxing − Little more than futile games With limited effect. But I’ve got to keep on trying to prepare myself For the time they’ll put me in my grave – The grave that Death began to dig for me The minute I was born. 9. I know I’m only playing mind games with myself By making up a pretend Dark But it’s only in the frantic hope That it’ll help me face my Death more bravely When it does come And they’ll actually pull that thin white sheet Over my head And everything goes Dark For real. *****

It’s Better Just To Be Invisible 8-28-2010 Not wanting to be obvious. _____ 1. I’m never comfortable getting too involved Or becoming too obvious. For me I’d rather go through life More as an observer than a participant − Keeping to myself and quietly unnoticed. 2. I’m never comfortable in a crowd − Always feeling a little out of place. Being in public puts demands on me Forcing clumsy interactions With disappointing results. 3. I prefer To watch the world Than to have the world Watch me.

4. I’d rather decline An invitation to the party Than risk a poor appearance. 5. For me, It’s better to vote in absentia Than ever in person. 6. Although sometimes I think I’d like to be on the inside I know it’s best I stay on the outside. You see, on the inside You can easily get cornered But on the outside You have many more avenues of escape. 7. It’s better for me To remain anonymous Than to ever disclose my name. 8. I always feel safer Under the cover of a forest Than I do In the open city.

9. It’s better for me To remain a shapeless and untouchable spirit Than be anything in the flesh. 10. Let the world pass me by As if I weren’t there. 11. I’d rather be a footnote Than the story. 12. I prefer to keep a low profile So as to make the smallest target. 13. I’d rather be a dream Than a reality. 14. It’s better for me Just to be, invisible. *****

y Doing What Children Do (Manila) 5-7-2011 Finding poetic subject matter is an exploratory process. _____ 1. My thoughts are running all over the place Like a gang of excited children Exploring every nook and cranny in the house And returning With all the little things they’ve found for me That would ultimately become a poem. 2. When to let them run And when to hold them back Is a delicate thing to balance And a tough decision to make For there’s no definitive book On how to be a parent Or how to handle children. While it’s good that they explore It’s a full time job Just keeping up with them.

3. Sometimes I scold them, “Don’t go here”, and “Don’t go there” − But they don’t listen and do whatever they want. I smile because they’re only children And children will be children − Going where children go And doing what children do. 4. As a parent, you just never know When you’ve let them go too far And they’ll get into places where they shouldn’t be − Places where they could hurt themselves – Or you − when they find things That are particularly sensitive and personal. 5. Even when you’ve tried your best to hide things That you don’t want them to find Children have a way of finding them. So I reconcile myself to take the good with the bad And work with whatever they bring back to me. 6. And when they’ve finished all their explorations And proudly return with everything they’ve found I begin assembling them into the makings of a poem. But even before I’m half-way finished They’re off again Looking for new things For the next poem I’ll write. ***** 48

y And What Did He Know About Princesses? 6-13-2004 He had no experience with a girl like her. _____ 1. The first time that he saw her He fell into a love Like no other love he had ever known before. Romance, mystery and magic, surrounded her. It was a powerful and hypnotic love But a fragile and elusive one And one that both excited and frightened him. 2. All he wanted was a simple and stable love But all she had Was a fairy-tale princess kind of love to give. All he wanted was a simple reassuring love But with her, there was nothing reassuring As he was always on edge And walking on egg shells Worried over every word that he said and action he took â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Worried over nuances that she created in her head â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Worried over her princess rules and protocols That were impossible to figure out For what did he know about princesses?

3. He could see that with her He could never be himself For he had to be What she wanted him to be. He had to be the prince And she the princess Who lived in the fairy-tale world That she imagined and always carried in her head. 4. He was so afraid to lose her Yet so afraid to have her. When he reached out She pulled back So how could he ever figure anything from that? How could he ever satisfy a princess For what did he know about princesses? 5. All he wanted was a girl to love And one who would simply love him back. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing complicated â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Just a simple girl that he could simply love. All he wanted was a girl Who would just meet him half-way. But no, she had to be a princess And what did he know about princesses? *****

y Hearing Silent Things 6-30-1969 Sensitivity and poetic imagination. _____ 1. In the quiet stillness I can hear: The footsteps of the dead, The sounds of passing clouds, Hands waving, The breaths of dreams, And the birth of stars. 2. In the quiet stillness I can hear: Lilies floating, Silent prayers, Still black water, Colors changing, Flower stems bending in the wind, And mile-long vaults of sunlight Landing on the forest floor.

3. In the quiet stillness I can hear: The moaning of a broken heart, Confessions in the wind, Life beginning and Death approaching, The song of Love, And the promises of Hope. 4. In the quiet stillness I can hear everything. *****

y As Beautiful As Your Eyes Held The Moon (To Bich-Thuy) (Written In Approximate Sonnet Form) 8-25-1966 Thoughts at sea about the time Thuy and I visited a cabin in the mountains of Oahu, Hawaii, and how we used to wrestle in dry love on the cabin floor every time we found ourselves alone. _____ Here, a thousand miles away from land, sailing on a sulking sea My musings take me back: Back to where you sat upon the grass with me; To where we listened to the chirping fares Of all the colorful topical birds that filled the air; To where the heavy trees and bamboo stalks And the aimless plants and flowers grew everywhere; To where we had our gentle talks And where I saw how soft and quiet your eyes held the moon In their warm and lovely color brown; And to where I listened to your voice and its Siren tune; And where, at your feet, I took my heart and gently laid it down. I sang a silent song of joy and sorrow mixed For I knew I’d never see the moon In any one else’s eyes as beautiful as it was in yours that night − As beautiful as in your eyes so warm and mellow brown. *****

y A Seducing Dusk 10-23-1965 Driving on a dull highway tranced me back to a sad part in my life. _____ 1. The carâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s monotonous forward movement And Duskâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s approaching face Began to gradually bring me to a former rack Of heavy forlorn moods that trace Themselves to past regrets and fears come back. 2. Dusk exhaled a painful reminiscent breath Of woes that settled on the distant autumn hills And drenched them in a somber pale That seduced me into reliving some old and sorrowed ills And evoked in me a nauseous wail That sunk my spirit down enough To give me an unsettling sense of Death. 3. Ill musings smothered my every joyful mood and vein With swift and deadly thoroughness. And the hills I saw ahead of me With their grizzled, red-complexioned stains Tapped into my heart And drained it down with skilled success.

4. The Dusk was like some Siren Song that hypnotized my mind and drew me in To the sink-holes of my former woes. It also, with sadistic greed, swelled my aching mind With both real and fabricated fears And buried memories of every kind â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Some as old as time And some as young as embryos. 5. The dreadful mask of Dusk Quickened my breath and raced my heart Raising old fears that I naively thought Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d never see Again. So well-accomplished were they in their blackish art That they sicked their dog Despair on me Who it seems will never lose my scent and leave me be. *****

Looking Up â&#x2C6;&#x2019; 4-21-1968 Ruminations about my inner most emotions. _____ 1. Looking up â&#x20AC;&#x201C; I suddenly become aware That all my thoughts are collecting into incoherent murmurings That thicken in my ear. They are like water dreams Made up of rising waves Of heaving, shapeless and imposing things. Some thoughts are as fresh as the dawn And age gracefully While others simply die as quickly as they are born. And like pelting rain, my thoughts sometimes accumulate Into slow and narrow streams That then build into raging floods that overwhelm me With their frightening themes. 2. The composure of my face opposes what I feel And my silent front deludes The conversations of my darker inner moods. I troll for simple words that will best reveal The fire-thoughts of inner feuds that had begun Some long and lonely time ago But that still remain unsettled and undone.

3. Looking up – I stare in wonder as to how all the colors begin to die With the aging of the day, and how the light Slowly drains down from the sky And hardens into night. With all the light dissolving before my eyes I become aware − As if for the first time in my life − Of the true, true depth of night. 4. Looking up – I see each and every cloud brighten up As it passes by this night’s lovely moon And softly brushes up against its light. And all the stars to me look like shiny silver pins Stuck into the black-velvet evening sky. I also notice a street-light behind some trees Peeping in between its rustling leaves Making eerie silhouettes appear Like winking eyes that wake up so many of my latent fears. 5. And then, come the prowling tremors of my sins From somewhere deep inside of me Where they’ve always been, and were skillfully hiding out of sight But always pushing to be free And always anxious for their attendant torments to begin Just as they always have, and will again tonight. *****

y Why Did My Mother Have To Die On Me? (A Young Boy’s Question) 8-14-2000 A fragment of a longer piece about a young boy losing his mother. _____ 1. When lying down in his bed at night He’d have trouble sleeping And would often stare into the darkness of his room. 2. He was all too young To be starring through the dark like that − Too young to be listening to a racing heart As loud as someone pounding on the wall. 3. Sometimes he’d almost want to cry, “Why don’t I have a mother like all the others do? Why don’t I have a mother to tuck me in at night And put me fast asleep? Why did my mother have to die on me?” 4. He always held those questions deep inside of him. He also did the same with is tears − He always held them in − At least mostly always. *****

y I Was Never Of This World 4-4-2004 My mind is always escaping to the heavens. _____ 1. I was always looking up and out Into the heavens â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Always traveling up and out At speeds and distances Far beyond my comprehension. 2. I was always looking up and out Tracing star shapes in the sky With my mind a million miles away. 3. Though confined here to my little room I was always looking out my window Making my escape To where the stars reside. 4. I was never really of this world But rather always somewhere else â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Somewhere out there among the stars. *****

y Things He Thought Were Dead 6-22-2004 Meeting her again awakened something in him. _____ 1. She caught his notice once again And like a touch of moonlight on his face She awoke in him Some things he thought were dead. 2. He must be very cautious though Of whatever feelings had suddenly come alive For they were all filled with hidden dangers. 3. While those feelings were just remnant curiosities − Just sad symptoms of an unfinished and unresolved past That held nothing for the future − He had to be careful with them For if he handled them badly Or misinterpreted them They’d ruin all the progress that he’d made In getting over her.

4. He must be very cautious of all the things That were resurrected from the dead For he knows how frail and weak he is And how vulnerable When it comes to her And matters of the heart. *****

y How Many Summers Do I Have Left? 5-11-2004 My mother died in her early 40s; my father in his early 70s; and my blood line uncles in their 60s and 70s. So if I were to live as long as their average ages, I could have maybe only 10 years or so left. _____ 1. I’m 61 now And thinking about How many years I might have left in life. On the short side I might have, what? – Maybe 10 years or so to go Which are just as many fingers As I have on my hands! Ten fingers left in life! How convenient for my count-down: 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-0. 2. Only 10 remaining years! Only 10 Springs and Summers And 10 Falls and Winters! With every year that passes Another finger falls. And with each fallen finger I’m that much closer to my end.

3. So what will I do with my remaining 10 − With these precious few and maybe only 10? What will I do with them Compared to what I’ve done With all the other 61? 4. When I was in my teens I made a promise to myself: To make a decent showing of my life And leave some kind of legacy for myself And for those I leave behind. And now, with maybe only 10 years or so to go I get scared when I think about How much I still have yet to do. 5. So Mr. Clock With maybe only 10 years or so left for me in life Can you slow things down a bit? Can you keep my fingers up as long as possible? − At least long enough to give me a fighting chance To accomplish all the things I promised myself I’d do? Can you do that for me, Mr. Clock? *****

y Going Out The Same Way I Came In 1-21-2011 A somewhat pessimistic view of life. _____ 1. I came into this world with a great fear of it For I could see early on That I wouldn’t fit in so well And that Life for me wouldn’t be easy. 2. I knew that life For whatever reason Would be a constant struggle And that all that I could hope for Was a truce or at best a draw. I even had my doubts That life would be worth living at all. 3. I knew that I’d be different from the others And have some trouble making friends − Especially with myself – And that more or less I’d be a kind of loner.

4. Over time I thought that things might get better − But they hadn’t And rather stayed pretty much the same. So here I am In the last phase of my life Facing the same daily proofs Of my born-into and pre-ordained condition. 5. Here I am Still trying to make the best of a losing hand. Here I am Still sitting at the Ouija board watching the pointer Move under my hand all by itself. And here I am After all these years Still trying to get a foothold On the slippery slopes of the same crater That I found myself in At the outset of my life. 6. So here I am Looking at my life Both backwards and forwards And coming to the same sad conclusion That in my long contest with Life Nothing much has changed And it looks like I’ll be going out The same way I came in. ***** 65

y On Night And The Whispered Words Of Love (To Helen) 5-31-1964 A sprawling poem inspired by an affair with an older lover when I was 16 and she was 34. _____ 1. How so much alike our minds both seem With feelings that are sensitive and bursting Yet hesitant to speak − Feelings that can’t be fully expressed in words For words are so feeble in their weight And hardly representative of our inner moods. Oh, words − Those bungling and insufficient messengers of love − What injustice to a tender thought they do And how poorly they display Anything at all to do with passion − But they keep trying Only to succeed in making martyrs of themselves.

2. So now So close upon the dawn I sit with pen in hand Trying to organize my thoughts And put them into words. But words are merely shells Surrounding inner truths and feelings And through them And through my own inadequate attempts I hope that you can break them open And see the source and heart of my deepest moods As well as Sorrow’s thorns that stick in me. I also hope that you can see The all and everything − Good and bad − That there is in life And that both you the listener and the reader Can interpret these confessions of my heart. ~ If you cannot understand my message Then you have heard But you have not listened And you have looked But you have not seen.

3. A word is purity within the dark of night That wafts its whispered tone across the room And hovers in the silent blackness Until it slowly dissipates. When sweet words are uttered Hot with breath and close upon a waiting ear They delve into the very reaches of a burdened soul And conspire to set it free As well as into the core emotions of a lonely heart Hoping to save its life. Words of love When spoken within the quiet darkness of a room Are such cherished things Whereas words Spoken in the bright and noisy light of day Are swallowed up and lost. 4. Never boast or speak too much. Be modest and sparing in your words. Wait and watch for the proper mood and time: A sparrow’s song at dawn − A lover’s word at night. Does not the silence of the night Elicit from the chambers of a timid heart More than day could ever?

5. One has often said so much But said so little; And one has often said so little But said so much. So often will a simple well-spoken loving word Unwrap a cry of love In eager need of birth. ~ Upon the calm and swarthy breast of night A well-thought phrase Spoken in soft dulcet tones Resounds and fills a waiting ear and heart Whose only dream it is Is to be approached and sweetly wooed. 6. Each passing night is only darkness Alone and empty Just waiting for a loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s whispered word To give it life. The summer eve demands the moon be there And the darkness of the night Pines for the softness of a loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s voice.

7. The moon illuminates the night Plaiting its silver strings of light. ~ Softly spoken words of love Are breathed across a loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s tongue And interview the night. Night and words Mark the memory of a loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s visit. We live to glean each night And every tender word within it. Each night can never be seen again. And each word not spoken Is lost forever. ~ Words are poor ambassadors For the heart And the ways of love. 8. And now the dawn is almost here Breaking slowly through the darkness of this room But still my mind is cramped With so many confusing thoughts. So let me hasten in what I have to say and do For soon As with the night These sweet and passing thoughts Will also wane.

9. How alike our minds both seem. How alike we all must be In all our needs and wants. A quiet city night Instills its magic and its mysteries Into a pensive waiting soul And seeps into the walls of a sullen heart Made porous by time and pain And shapes a loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s open mood. Too much giving makes for too much sorrow. And the past can be the cause and reason For a present sorrow. 10. The vacancy of night May conjure up a wealth of hurt But a cache of joy and sweetness It may also bring. Within the murkiness of night You can hear the whispered words of love Almost everywhere â&#x2C6;&#x2019; If you listen.

11. These are the remembered scenes and sounds That print their silent selves Upon exhausted minds And their burning night-born images Upon weary and searching souls: Those starving souls That yearn and yell for love; Those silent somber memories That live from mood to mood; Those disheartened and pining hearts That crave relief; Those contrite, empty inner cores That seek to fill themselves with something. 12. Each night is dead and nothing more Until its silence is broken By the cherished tones Of the whispered words of lovers That mark a night forever. ~ We live and wait for every night And every word two lovers speak. ~ A night that passes can never be redone And unspoken words Are lost in shame forever. *****

y A Heavy Winter Sea (To Helen) 12-12-1967 Trying to resume the affair with my older lover Helen after my release from the Navy â&#x2C6;&#x2019; but things were different now. _____ 1. The sky above me is a sharp and freezing blue. But then it tapers down into a soft and sand-pink haze That floats just above the heavy winter sea. 2. In the salt-chilled morning dampness The sand is driven by the wind Into an inch-high sandy surface-fog Of a billion grains of colliding sand Making the tinkling sounds That wind-chimes make. 3. With every breath I take The insides of my nose and lungs freeze And the wind slaps my face and neck And chills me to the bone.

4. The waves keep falling like soldiers In their futile battles with the shore. And as the sea retreats It retrieves most of all its fallen. But those it canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Are sadly left to sparkle in the burning sun And hiss defiantly As theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sucked down Through the thirsty fields of sand. 5. Walking here Along the dark gray borders Of this heavy winter sea I must contend with two competing heartbeats: One of love And the other Of something lost for me. Things were not the same with us as once they were For love had died in her. 6. And when we left the beach We had a quiet cup of coffee somewhere. And as I looked into her eyes I was taken back To a distant dream And the silence of the room Where we had once made love Somewhere far away in time. ***** 74

y I Remember All These Things And More (On Bich-Thuy) 12-13-1967 Thinking of Thuy, the Vietnamese girl I had to leave behind in Hawaii after my 4 year tour in the Navy. _____ 1. As I turn off the lights The moonlight soaks into my eyes And the ghostly memories of those warm tropical nights From out of my broken heart arise. 2. My heartâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a heavy weight within my chest. And every empty night I lie alone in bed Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m deprived of any kind of rest As her memory trembles in my head. 3. I remember everything about her: Her large brown eyes and how deep and warm they were; Her pure black hair and flower-petal skin so soft and lily-pale; Her delicate and graceful hands and cultured nails; Her palm-sized breasts with nipples firmly raised and brown; And her full-round inner thighs that used to hold me tightly down.

4. I remember oh so well All the days and nights Where life and romance soared To their bursting and fullest heights. ~ I remember all these things And more. *****

y Your Hand Now Holding Mine (A Father And Daughter) 12-8-2011 A fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s story with my daughter Leandra in mind. _____ 1. I put my pinky in your infant hand And felt you squeeze it as if you knew it was me. Then I whispered in your ear and told you all about The whole new world that was ahead of you. 2. And when you took your first step I held your hand and guided you safely across the room. 3. And when you were learning to ride your bike I walked alongside you and held your hand to steady you. 4. And when you went to school that first day I took your hand in mine and walked you to the door. 5. And when you got sick with that burning fever one night I held your hand to let you know that you were not alone.

6. And when you had a fight with your best friend I sat beside you and held your hand And told you that everything would be alright And that I would always be your friend. 7. And when you broke up with your first true love I held your hand as you cried upon my shoulder. 8. And then one Christmas Eve When my heart couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hold it in any longer I held your hand and told you how much I loved you And that you were the best part of my life. 9. And when you got married I walked you down the aisle And held your hand that was nervously perched upon my arm. 10. And when you gave birth to your children I held their hands And through them I was holding yours. 11. And now, as I lay here on my deathbed in my final hour Reliving all those precious times I held your hand Tears of love well up in my eyes when I look down and see Your hand, now holding mine. *****

y Oh Mother Dear, Why Did You Leave Us? 5-29-2009 Inspired by a dream I had and perhaps by my own experience. _____ 1. Oh Mother dear Why did you leave us At the very time we needed you the most? Why did you leave the nest you built for us Where like little birds we felt so safe and warm? But if the truth will be hard for us to take And will break our hearts Then Mother dear Please tell us something we can handle − Even if it is a lie. 2. Oh Mother dear I trust there must have been some compelling reason For your leaving us. Was it perhaps something that life had forced on you? − Something you couldn’t explain? − Or something that you felt we’d never understand? Oh Mother dear Just give us some reason to ease our minds − Even if it is a lie.

3. Oh Mother dear Help us bear the tasteless food we eat And that almost makes us gag. Help us get it down with the promise of a piece of candy That will remove the bitter taste in our mouths And help us forget what we just ate. Oh Mother dear Tell us that life is filled with sugar-coated treats − Even if it is a lie. 4. Oh Mother dear Don’t have us put our heads down On the cold hard rock of truth and reality That will keep us sleepless in our empty nights. Rather, tell us fairy tales and sing us sweet lullabies That will calm our fears and put us quietly to sleep. Oh Mother dear Please put our heads down on soft little pillows − Even if they’re made of lies. 5. Please Mother dear Tell us that when you left us You looked back at us with a tear in your eye. Don’t leave us with the crushing thought That we weren’t even good enough for that. Oh Mother dear Tell us something that will take That piercing arrow from our hearts − Even if it is a lie.

6. Please Mother dear Tell us that there is a caring god Who sometimes makes mistakes But rectifies them in his own good time and way. Please give us the faith and confidence That virtues are rewarded and sins are punished, That injustices and misfortunes are reversed, And that good will always triumph over evil. Oh Mother dear Make us believe that the world is made like this And that in the end everything balances out â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Even if it is a lie. 7. Oh Mother dear Rock us in your arms and make us feel secure. And even though you know That a harsh tomorrow looms ahead Whisper in our little ears with your warm motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s breath And tell us that everything will be alright. Oh Mother dear Please give us that needed reassurance â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Even if it is a lie.

8. Oh Mother dear Please tell us that you never meant to leave us And that you always planned to return for us one day. Tell us that you were only kidding when you left us Or just taking a little trip somewhere. Oh Mother dear Tell us what we need to hear That will ease our little hearts and minds And quell our nagging suspicions − Even if it is a lie. 9. Oh Mother dear Please tell us that you never really abandoned us And that you’re in fact The most loving mother in the world And we’re the most precious things you have. Oh Mother dear Please tell us this And everything else that we long to hear − Even if it is a lie. *****

y Marooned At The Top 10-27-2011 The ironic negatives of being a winner. _____ 1. He was the epitome of success. He had reached the pinnacle in his life Only to realize That he couldn’t go any further. 2. Having achieved all he wanted to achieve He had painted himself into a corner With nowhere else to go. 3. He had climbed that mountain − The last and highest one on his list − Leaving him with nothing else to climb. 4. He had achieved every goal That he’d set for himself And while it made for a perfect resume He couldn’t set any new goals And therefore Had inadvertently sabotaged his future.

5. He had become overqualified For anything more in life And virtually A victim of his own success. 6. Having achieved his goals All too well and all too fast He was in many respects a failure. 7. He was a child star Who had peaked too early in life; A sailor marooned On the island that he discovered; The fastest ship That had suddenly run aground; A man in love But who had a hole in his heart. 8. He had beaten all the others. He was the winner But as the winner He was all alone in the winnerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s circle.

9. Ironically When you’re a winner You’re always alone. But when you’re a loser You’re never alone And always have plenty of company. And when you’ve done everything There’s nothing left to do. 10. Too good, too soon − Irony at its best: At the top And can’t go higher − Done that and everything With nothing left to do − All dressed up And nowhere to go. *****

y Have I Come Home Too Late? 6-12-2005 Everything had changed while he was away. _____ 1. All that had been there before Isn’t there anymore; All that was so familiar to me Is all so strange now. Have I come home too late? 2. Everything has changed And all the people that I used to know Are mostly dead or gone Or have changed with age and circumstance. 3. All the quiet that I used to love about this place Has been scared away by a busy and noisy road, The tree that held the swing I used to swing on Has long been cut down, The pond I used to swim in Is now posted with a “No Swimming” sign, And the pretty girl who had given me her heart Has been taken, and full worn out with children.

4. I thought that everyone and everything Would wait for me And that everything would stay the same Just as I had left it. 5. But sadly No one waited And nothing stayed the same So it seems in fact I have come home too late. *****

y Friends And Enemies 10-9-2007 The need to be vigilant. _____ 1. Be thankful for your friends And watchful of your enemies. 2. Keep your friends close And your enemies closer. 3. Learn to read the signs and catch the plots Early in their makings. 4. Watch for Brutus in the crowd And Judas at your table. 5. These skills are either natural or acquired But either way they are the skills That are of life and death importance. 6. Watch for Brutus in the crowd And Judas at your table. ***** 88

y The Artist Is A Child 4-22-2010 An artist has a child inside of him. _____ 1. How can he get so excited Over the way a shadow moves across the floor? Or how the sky is painted With all the splendid colors in the world? Or how profound his words are In that little poem he’d written? He can Because he has that little child in him − That artist child − Who sees and feels what others can’t. 2. How can he get so excited Over that little poem? − Over writing that little poem That everyone else finds mediocre? He can Because he believes that it will shake the world When the world finally understands it − He can Because he has that little artist child Inside of him.

3. That little child in him will never grow up. Some hope it will So that he’d be more like them − More mature − More...more normal. 4. But if that child ever did grow up He’d only see and feel What others see and feel And never those special things That he sees and feels. Nor would he ever be able to write a poem That would shake the world. 5. And how can he keep his hopes up That the world will come around And finally see the meaning of his poem And believe that when it does The earth will shake in its revelation? How can he have such faith That one day He’ll feel the earth shake beneath his feet? He can Because he has that little child in him That refuses to grow up And who still believes in miracles.

6. So he and that little child in him Keep on waiting − Waiting for that “Aha” moment − When they finally feel the world Shake beneath their feet. *****

y The Empty Workshop 10-9-2013 Missing her departed husband. _____ 1. Her husband’s been dead for a number of years now But it’s still hard for her To get used to it. And what makes it worse Is the fact That every time she goes into the garage The reality of his loss Painfully resurfaces. 2. The garage is where he had his little workshop And where he hung all his tools Which is now a constant reminder of his absence For she didn’t have the heart To store them away somewhere Or to convert his workshop into something else. 3 So there they remain − His tools and his workshop − Happily bringing back Her loving memories of him But sadly, adding to the agony Of her missing him.

4. Sometimes When she passes by his workshop She hears him working And smiles to herself Knowing what pleasure he gets From that little hobby of his. 5. And when she goes inside And sees that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not there And that all is eerily quiet And all his tools are still on the wall She lies to herself that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be back. 6. She even looks for his wood shavings on the floor And sometimes swears she sees some That he missed after sweeping up. 7. Everything that she hears and sees in the garage Is born from her memory and imagination, Her wishful thinking, And her missing him. 8. She was so content When her denials were running high And she heard him working in his workshop But so very crushed when reality set in As she listened to the silence.

9. She kept telling herself though to hold on And that one day She’d wake up from this bad dream of hers And find him working in his workshop after all. 10. She kept telling herself That one day She’d really see him working in his workshop And that after watching him a while from a distance − And still in love with him after all their years together − She’ll smile and ask him If he’d like to take a break and join her for lunch − Just like she used to do. *****

y The Loss (To Sharon) 11-13-1965 Pining over my Brooklyn girlfriend and first love. _____ 1. She’s never off my mind For very long, and never out of my heart. And being the first full love my heart divined Never did a loss assert So much hurt as her loss hurt And one that my heart and soul will always cart. 2. Years from now when she has passed away In love’s remorse, I will attend her wake And stand teary-eyed beside her grave. And for all the years that are left to me her memory I’ll not forsake But rather keep with me to nurse my cries. Over and over I’ll breathe her name in empty sighs Until there’s nothing left inside of me that’s worth enough to save. 3. As often as I can, I’ll come to the foot of her poor sunken grave And all broken up with sorrow I’ll stand there Amidst the gray and brittle boughs that are now all bare And extend like dead fingers into the freezing winter air.

4. And in the gloom of a cold damp Dusk depressingly bleak Is where my heart, still brooding over her loss, will begin to weep And where my tears will ice upon my cheek. Here I’ll come to her in the loneliest hours of the night For it was she who left my heart marooned on this barren site. 5. Though I’ll forever grieve the loss of my deepest love And know that from her memory I’ll never be free I’ll grieve even more for having loved a love That in my heart I knew was never meant to be. *****

y Fact And Emotion (To Bich Thuy) 2-20-1967 Remembering when I told Thuy I was leaving the Navy at year end and the treasured good-bye kiss she allowed me to take. _____ 1. Fact: Yesterday, the sparkling stars Had filled the sky with light And were larger and closer Than theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d ever been before. Each star was a living, moving, breathing thing And a friend of mine. And the brilliant half-moon quietly glided Like a white and billowy wind-filled sail Across the black night sky Weaving in and out among the smoky clouds That turned their ruffled edges Into to a fuzzy color of pinkish gray. ~

And as we walked along the beach I watched the incoming waves Drag their heels to slow themselves down Causing them to grow in height, Lean more dangerously forward as they advanced, And then turn themselves into rolling silvery tubes of moon-lit curls That finally tumbled and fell with muted roars Fanning outward across the sparkling sand Until they were sucked down into it And disappeared. ~ We stood in the sand By the border of the sea In the light of the flying half-lit moon. 2. Emotion: I held you near and my heart flew high. Did you see it fly? ~ My heart sang with choir strength. Did you hear it sing? ~ My heart was beating hard. Did you feel it beat? ~ Did you know That you were more beautiful to me Than anything Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d ever seen? It was then, at that single moment That I would have liked to have stopped my life Than to chance a lesser mood.

3. Reality: But knowing I would have to leave you soon The wings on which I used to fly Were broken now And the song I used to sing Was all but gone And little more than a weak and sickly sigh From an almost empty and breathless lung. And as for my heart It was swollen and sore Choking, pounding, heaving As my sorrows weighed upon it Until I could hardly breathe anymore â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Oh the crushing thought Of ever leaving you. ~ The stars were all so far away and small And way beyond my reach. And looking down on me Cold and scornfully clear Was that half-eyed moon all frozen white Accompanying us As we walked together along that moon drenched beach On this the most beautiful Yet most forlorn and painful night of all.

4. The Kiss: Then with sweet consent You let me kiss you on the lips − The lips you never let anyone Kiss before. It was a special kiss – A special and heartbreaking Good-bye kiss. And with my eyes closed in love I gave you everything I had inside of me Which almost tore my heart apart Knowing that soon I’d have to give you up. ~ And as I kissed you I couldn’t understand What life was all about And why it was That I had to let you go For how could I ever let you go − You, the deepest love I’d ever known. How could I ever give you up? How could I ever leave you on this far off shore Under this silent half-lit moon That we thought had married us for life? ~ How could I ever give you up? How could I ever let you go? *****

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y All These Things I Tell Myself (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 11-9-1967 Trying to adjust to the harshness of Brooklyn after leaving the softness of Thuy and Hawaii. _____ 1. Here I am Back in the tough city again From which I thought I had escaped. Here I am Where the vulgar street and store lights Are shouting and cursing And throwing their weight around like thugs And punching gaping holes Into a gentle and defenseless night. 2. Here I am Surrounded again by the concrete and glass And the haunting shadows of the hard city streets. Here, amidst it all Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s especially painful Thinking about the green and sunny island of Hawaii In the middle of the blue Pacific That I had left only months before And the soft and gentle whisper Of the love I had to leave behind.

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3. Here I am Bearing all the city’s loud insults And crude intrusions And trying to keep my thoughts from scattering Like a frightened herd of animals. 4. Here I am Amidst the cold and harsh environment Surrounding me Trying not, for the pain of it, to remember: That distant island paradise Where she and I once lived and loved; The songs and echoes Of the birds that used to fill my heart; The soft Hawaiian moonlight In her eyes; The touch of her gentle hands Upon my face; And the excitement of her kisses In my ear. 5. “The love you had Was all a fantasy! What your heart once felt Doesn’t matter anymore! Put on a fake and empty smile And convince yourself and everyone That the feelings that you’re having now Are nothing more than dreams!” ~

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All these things I tell myself But my heart won’t listen. ~ Memories can be dulled but not erased. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 6. “Pretend that all this longing pain Is just some awful hoax! Force hope to die a cold and natural death! Smirk at what your heart is feeling! Force yourself to only look forward And never back!” ~ All these things I tell myself But to no avail. ~ I try to dull my feelings and numb myself But it’s not as easy as it sounds. 7. I’d rather bear the emptiness Of never knowing her Than the sorrow Of remembering. 8. Both the fool and lover that I am Cry out from each of their respective hearts. They cry for sorrow. They cry for memory. They cry for love of her. ***** 103

y The Multiplication Of Life And Death (Manila) 5-8-2011 What is the motive behind the formulas of Life and Death? _____ 1. “Feed me your rotting corpses And keep them coming Generation after generation”, Said the Earth to Life, “For I have an insatiable appetite And the more you feed me The hungrier I get.” 2. Each new life that’s born Just adds another To the number who will one day die. And with each successive generation Being larger than the last The number of those who’ll die Grows exponentially.

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3. There doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem to be Any apparent time or motive For the beginning Of this multiplication of Life and Death Nor any forecast of its end. It just seems to have started out spontaneously And destined to continue Forever. 4. Each death adds fertility to the soil Which just encourages The beginning of yet another new life Followed in time by another new death. 5. Oh Creator of Life What have you started And what was your motive in doing so? What chain of events have you begun That now seem unstoppable And with no end in sight? 6. And Creator of Life What is the benefit of your creating All these new-born and hopeful lives Only to have them die One right after the other And often so painfully slow?

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7. Oh Creator of Life What have you started And let get so out of hand? Are you just letting Life run amuck? Have you abandoned all your responsibilities And let Life run helter-skelter on its own Or can we expect that someday Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll get it under control And not let it go on like this forever? 8. Oh Creator of Life Why have you created This perpetual motion machine That keeps fueling Death with Life And Life with Death? Why have you let yourself become A co-conspirator with Death And bloodied up Your otherwise clean and innocent hands? And why do you continue To allow body after body To pile up one upon the other In this morbid and perplexing Multiplication of Life and Death? Oh Creator of Life Can you please tell me why? *****

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y Each Progression Has A Cost (To Sharon) 5-15-1962 Progress often comes at a price. Here I’m worried about Sharon’s innocence being lost. _____ 1. In life, there’ll be so many unfair sacrifices that we’ll be dealt Such as the lovely sculptured ice of Winter that will sadly melt Before our eyes as a sacrifice to Spring. 2. Oh Life, why have you made it so that when one thing’s born alive Something else has to die? Oh Life, why is it that you have made things So uncompromisingly black and white? 3. Why have you made it so that each progression has a cost − In that when something’s gained it seems that something else is lost And that for every good there’s a corresponding evil. 4. As we advance in age we suffer the loss of youth. And with maturity comes the loss of innocence and truth. In Life it seems that nothing can be saved.

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5. And when I think about your innocence I can’t help but grimace Thinking that it too may be taken away In another gruesome sacrifice. 6. Like the day that has been wasted Its return can never again be tasted. And likewise When innocence is lost It can never be regained. 7. Even though we’re now apart My heart would nonetheless grieve If I were ever to learn that your innocence had been relieved For I still hold a virgin image of you in my heart. 8. So I warn you, my love To beware of all Life’s hungry creatures That know neither pity or respect And love to feast on unguarded innocence. 9. Still loving you I hesitate to ask that awkward question As to whether Life has made you sacrifice Your precious innocence too And dread the answer you may give.

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10. But even if your innocence were lost I’d still love you And strangely, maybe even more. 11. And although I should have learned From the many mistakes I’ve made before I’d go and risk my tender heart again For even the weakest promises of love and hope. 12. And while I try to find some workable excuse To get over you It would be of little use For I still love you For reasons I will never fully understand. *****

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y My Tempest 11-9-1962 Like the storm outside is the storm in my head. _____ 1. My eyes, burdened by their weariness Grow heavy and near to sleep. And my thoughts, blurred, incoherent and deeply stressed Make any stable thought impossible to keep. 2. Sitting here, in the deepest hole of this black night I can only hear the ticking of my clock. But then arrives the windâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s unruly and gusty flights That against my quiet thoughts rudely begin to curse and mock. 3. And with the wind the rain begins First with light, then hard pelting sounds against my window pane Growing more frenzied in their efforts to get in But they wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t succeed no matter how hard they strain. 4. And the long, black and impoverished fingers of the trees That silhouette themselves against the dull gray sky Look like the claws of suffering animals that Torture levies On them, to maximize their pain until they finally die.

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5. Oh how those barren branches sway, roll, bend and twist All taunted and bullied, hour by hour, by the howling wind. And how the windows rattle in fear of this unforgiving Tempest Like the one thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in my head that also seems will never rescind. *****

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y Horrid Dreams 11-11-1962 A hope for an empty and final death. _____ 1. During our long and restless sleep: What horrid dreams are unearthed? What dreaded things in our troubled minds do creep? From what fears do we think we won’t survive? What nightly agonies trail us throughout our lives From the very minute after our births To the very last second before we die? 2. And when we do die, is that just the beginning of another sleep Packed with more dreams that we’ll have to keep That may be even more horrible than the ones we’ve had before But that now will last forevermore? 3. Oh how I pray that our final and eternal sleep Will be empty of everything − Empty of any after-life that so many of us seek. Oh how I pray that our final sleep Will be empty of everything. *****

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y In A Park, Watching And Listening 11-25-1962 Impressions at night in Vanderveer Park, a small one-block park on Avenue I in Brooklyn. _____ Sitting in this little park tonight I’m noticing − As if for the first time in my life − How differently all things look and sound at night: How the darkness seems to have no bounds; How the heavy wrap of night softens even the sharpest of sounds; How muted echoes from far away, strangely seem so near; And how even common things seem so very dear. Oh how differently all things look and sound at night. *****

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y Expecting Winter 11-25-1962 Impressions of winter coming. _____ 1. For Winter’s long expected advent the preparation has begun. First and foremost are the shortened visits of the Sun. And next, are the colored leaves Making their annual downward spiraling flights Warning everyone to brace for Winter’s coming might. 2. And when all the trees are finally bare They ready themselves like soldiers at full attention In silent and stoic wait For the cold Wind’s brash and punishing intentions Where they’ll be forced to bow in homage All during Winter’s brutal reign And brace themselves mentally and physically For their upcoming months of freezing pain.

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3. Oh how these winter trees Now stripped of all their protective leaves Will stand as naked skeletons And shiver without complaint in the cold and icy breeze. And even though, like true soldiers Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re ready to fall and die for the cause Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll fight with a vengeance, just as they always have In all their past Winter wars. *****

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y The Barren Trees Obey 1-12-1963 Observations on a cold and rainy winter night from my front porch in Brooklyn where I did a lot of my thinking and writing. _____ 1. The Winter Wind blows her blistering call On a scene where all of Life it seems has been evacuated Except for the barren and obedient trees That still stand there courageous and tall. 2. Icy pellets of Rain are hurled About, some dropping to the ground While others catch themselves on tiny branches And hang precariously boldly facing and defying the world. 3. The black streets are mirrored sheens Collecting and reflecting all the shimmering moods Of my lost and painful dreams. 4. Bushes, hedges, shrubs and all Stand shivering in the freezing Rain Stiffening more with every Wind-blown gusty call.

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5. Rows of houses stand in dark-drenched endless lines â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A gloomy and unpleasant scene to most, but to me They give me an introspective kind of awe That I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fully explain, understand, or define. 6. Black wires stretch across the street With shiny little transparent Raindrops of light Hanging off them that make them look Like a string of pearls sparkling and beautifully petite. Oh the curious beauty and the icy agony Of this cold and rainy Winter Night. *****

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y A Cold Wet Sunday Morn 1-13-1963 Wandering impressions on a cold and wet morning. _____ 1. I wake up to a heavy misty morn And see the city concrete, all wet, dreary and worn Which steers my mood accordingly To where I feel, that while man has some nobility And is a higher form of life he is nonetheless Still a lowly animal, born in litters and muddy nests And who are quickly abandoned and left to fend for themselves Right after their unceremonious world debuts And whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll really never know who they are Or what kind of world theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been born into. 2. The sky is dull and gray and wrapped in fog and dew Which paints the whole world in a heavy somber view Wetting, not only its wizened face But also soaking deep down into its very base All of which cause my thoughts to begin To morph into moods that I so often find myself in.

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3. This heavy rainy theater compels my mind to burrow Down into unchallenged thoughts of grief and sorrow And into places I didn’t ever want to go − Places that drain my soul and eat away my marrow − Places that I so much fear and dread But that, in my weakened state, I’m so easily and willingly lead. 4. Up ahead of me I see an uphill street With arching trees that meet To form a sinewy Kind of canopy. And atop that hill I also see The blurry rain-made frozen hallowed glows Of street lights that are all lined up in measured rows. 5. I also see heavy laidened bulbs of rain Hanging off the bowing power wires Who, when they eventually tire Or are beckoned by the Wind’s slightest call Will, to their deaths, eventually fall. And when they finally do fall and hit the ground Each one of them will yield its own distinctive fingerprint sound. And to replace those fallen soldiers Are rows of waiting volunteers who’ll be the next to fall And who’ll gladly give up their lives whenever they are called.

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6. My heels create muffled echoes as I walk That interchange with each other Making it sound as if they’re actually talking. And when I breathe it’s like a love affair Wherein my lungs accept the morning air Into its waiting and maternal hearth And then with a cry a new-born misty breath is given birth. 7. Oh, you cold, wet and heavy misty morn How is it that every time we meet, we marry And you relieve me of so many of the worries that I carry? It’s such an uncommon and special synergy we share And one that gives me some sense of both mystery and worth And makes my scant and unspecial life Less difficult to bear. *****

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y A Lost Love 1-17-1963 Someone broken by love. (Inspired in part by the freight train tracks that went through my old neighborhood in Brooklyn.) _____ 1. Beneath the lunar haze there sits Upon a wooden box Among the weeds Against a warehouse wall A lonesome soul with dirty rustled locks. 2. All around him Are freight train tracks That stretch out in all directions And gradually merge in the far distance Until they all but to a pin point disappear. There he sits alone in empty thought With no one in the world that even knows he’s there. 3. He’s just like that rusted freight car next to him − Frozen, bare and empty − A freightless, weightless shell without a soul.

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4. There he sits Looking blankly at the cold and rainy sky With nothing in his heart or mind Except the painful thought Of the one who took her love away And broke his heart â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Of the one who crushed his soul And put him here. *****

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y Age Versus Innocence 1-19-1963 Innocence is lost to maturity. _____ 1. Long before the light is born I sit up and wait for Morn. In time the Sun will wake Like some sleepy head Lazy and hesitant to leave its bed. Slowly, it will open up its squinting eye And begin to plan the course that it will take To adorn and rule the empty and waiting Sky. 2. I never have to wait too long For the lovely Morn For in time it always shows its face And when it does, every former dark and empty space Will slowly, with its warm and caring light, be gently filled. See?! Here it comes as Hope anew! The Dawn! Rising up above my windowsill!

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3. But as the Dawn Proceeds along its destined course And matures into Day Its new-born morning beauty Begins to show its loss For as it ages it will sacrifice To both our disappointment and our pain The flower of its innocence That was once But will never be again. *****

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y Nothing Else In Store (On Sharon?) 1-23-1963 On the emptiness of losing a love, most likely Sharon’s. _____ 1. With her loss my heart’s an open sore The likes of which I had never felt before. And as I roam within this bleak Night’s setting I’m constantly regretting That with her loss I have nothing anymore. 2. In time the heavens will tire And with great relief expire Its heavy load into a finely drizzling rain That will relieve its weighty pain And later collect itself into little glistening drops That will hang below every out-stretched branch and wire And invite me to brood upon them and distract me From the worries that my troubled soul does so often sire. 3. A distant church bell pealed its ancient tone Murmuring all alone. No one can ever fully appreciate Life, until he’s caught by his own unforgiving Fate. A distant church bell pealed its ancient tone Murmuring all alone.

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4. Thinking deep and long, I recall That beautiful night where my heart in love did fall And where I felt her passionate embrace. But then, with her loss, it was all erased. 5. That night, was similar to this one now Where in the darkness we couldn’t wait To press our bodies hard against each other As hard as was allowed. But just like all the other times, our love we’d never consummate For as heated as we’d get, we’d somehow always hesitate. 6. It’s such a shame that now she has to be replaced With just the shallow memory of her darling face. Still hanging over me is the unforgettable pain, even to this date Of those hopeful passions that were all For whatever reason, doomed by Fate. 7. Now my spirit only moves among the prickly briers Which cut and burn like fire On this horrid painful course In this swampy forest of remorse. 8. As I stumble in my grief, who is it that always comes And taunts me then turns away and runs? Are these the phantoms of my misery Born of the hauntings of all my broken memories?

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9. The tear in my eye best reports The pain that my heart now courts And illustrates how Sorrow has eaten out my core Leaving me a hollow shell and little more. 10. I now must bear an emptiness that wasn’t there before. Because of her, there’s nothing left inside of me − Nor will there ever be − Anymore. *****

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y To Repay What Was Loaned 2-1-1963 We only borrow Life. _____ 1. Darkness now descends upon me Where no sight or sound Can penetrate the inner sanctum That now envelops me. 2. The walls of my coffin are all that I can see And confine and hold me tightly bound − Bound by the rigor of Death when Life has gone − Waiting and wondering how long in here I’ll have to be. 3. I feel the heavy weight of the earth that’s piled on top of me As here I lay locked in my tomb. With my life all gone behind me I finally have a better understanding Of not only the secrets of Life and Death and Immortality But also, of what in Life I should and shouldn’t have done.

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4. Nothing really dies and nothing’s really born And nothing is as it first appears. For Life and Death are really one and the same Composed of two inseparable parts. Death concedes to Life and Life concedes to Death And understanding this, resolves both the mystery and the fear. 5. A black and musty dampness permeates my grave As the moisture leaks down through the ground − Down through the maze of earth and rock That’s heaped upon me as both my body and my soul lie in wait. 6. So here I am, staring straight ahead in this claustrophobic state Harassed by all my worries and anxieties Listening to the voices that I hear, Cringing at the ghosts I see, And always wondering how the Phantoms of my Past Will influence my Fate. 7. Now I see it all so plain − The Plan of Life and Death in all its simplicity: When something gains its Life Another pays with Death In an equal and exact exchange.

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8. So it is with everything, throughout eternity Where there is no actual gain or loss Only a perfect and constant balance between Life and Death. So I ask myself, “What has my Death caused in Life To be rearranged? What has my death made it possible For something else to live? What has my Death been applied against To make things all balance out?” 9. Life dies and Death lives and all the while Within my body’s slow decay Worms and parasites are born Out of the Life that I once had. 10. So now my body’s just a remnant pile For almost all of it has rotted away And the sunken grass above my grave Proves its vacancy. ~ I once had a Life that I never really owned But only one, that I was merely loaned. *****

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y Are We Better Or Worse Off? 8-4-1963 Our evolutionary ascension comes at a price. _____ 1. Questions, questions everywhere On which my Mind and Soul do gnaw and tear. 2. Has that natural Darwinian process That evolved us to our higher states in Life Only given us additional and unwanted cerebral pain and strife? 3. Have we just traded our prior ignorance and painless bliss For the worries and dissatisfactions that now seem endless? Has our ascension gotten us to any better state of joy Or have we only been the victims Of some clever and self-deluding ploy? 4. Questions, questions, everywhere On which my Mind and Soul do gnaw and tear. 5. Our superior lives today are not so ideal as they appear And counter any argument that weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re more satisfied Or more at ease in our supposedly elevated tiers.

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6. And whatever improvements we’ve made Only seem to have added to our strife And challenge any claim we make That we’ve achieved a happier and more contented life. 7. Will the winds and waves of our more complicated lives Ever calm down – will they ever abate? Or will we always find ourselves with our pressing drives That come from our ever-increasing stressful state? 8. Questions, questions, everywhere On which my Mind and Soul do gnaw and tear. 9. And likewise, for all the advances that we’ve made Don’t they only just accentuate the ones we haven’t made? 10. Since our intelligence whips-saws our hopes To highs and lows and disappointing extremes Might we be better off without our new and stylish coats And all our extravagant dreams? 11. For all the progress that we’ve made Are we really any better off for the price we’ve paid? 12. Questions, questions, everywhere On which my Mind and Soul do gnaw and tear. ***** 132

y The End Of Flesh 11-28-1963 After death our remains feed other lives. _____ 1. By late Autumn The leaves were no longer able to feed themselves For the sap they fed upon Had all hardened by Winterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s coming spell And became so starved and wizened dry That one by one they sadly died and fell. 2. To save itself and prepare for Winterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s punishment The tree withdrew its life blood from all its precious leaves Abandoning them to both their singular and collective fates Despite their anguished and pitiful pleas. 3. And when the trees were finally bare They looked just like skeletons With their boney arms and fingers Silhouetted against the pale gray sky. And with their trunks all surrounded By a circle of a million fallen leaves They tried to understand Just why those innocent leaves of theirs Had to be sacrificed and left to die.

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4. In time Those dried up leaves will moisten and become the soil And the soil in turn will cradle a seed and bare the fruit Of a new-born Life that will emerge from what was Death And their sacrifice is what’s demanded for a new-born root. Life requires Death to lead the way For Death is both the beginning and the end of Life. 5. Man too shall see his body fall away And be buried in the earth. And when it does its sunken grave Will mark the payment of the entrance fee For some little flower’s birth For there’s nothing of ourselves Or for ourselves in Life That we can ever keep. *****

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y On Solitude 12-27-1963 Wishing to escape the harsh din of life. _____ 1. All the city noises ring harshly in my ears − Shrill, sharp, loud and fierce. Bearing it as best I can, I lift my eyes upward and peer Through all the wire-fingers of a winter tree And see an icy almond-shaped moon looking down at me. 2. So brilliant is this moon against the saintly sable night That I can feel the silence that’s contained within its light. No sound at all exists in its arctic distant latitude And nothing surrounds its cold and lucent rays But the lovely and absorbing void of its quiet solitude. 3. Oh how I wish that I could have a similar silence As the moon has way up there With no harsh or ugly sounds that I so often have to bear − With none of Life’s sharp and piercing tones But just some quiet moonlight of my own That I can bathe in all alone. *****

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y To A Lovely Day 1-2-1964 What a fresh winter breeze can do to my spirits. _____ 1. The wind is up today. It’s a lovely wind that’s strong and swift in pace And a constant one with a snappy and refreshing race. The wind is brisk today. 2. The air is crisp today. It’s fresh and clean and blows in icy sheets − Winter-fresh and clear and winter-fast and fleet. The breeze is bold today. 3. The sky is clear today. And all the clouds are sailing ships with fluffy sails of white Flying across a vast blue lake of winter light. The sky is fair today. 4. My soul is free today And riding on the currents of the breeze − Riding high above my worries.

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5. My soul is so alive today Breathing in the freshest air That I have ever breathed On any other day. My soul is so alive today. *****

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y Ode To An Orange Vesper View 1-10-1964 On a sunset viewed from my bedroom window in Brooklyn. _____ 1. I see from outside my window, the evening Dusk’s dim haze Born of the fire of a dying Sun That has made the evening sky a sheet of orange blaze Ending what the Morning had begun. Its colors, as it sinks behind the earth Glow like the embers in some mythical celestial hearth − The glow of a heavy orange hue − An Orange Vesper view. 2. That sinking ball of fire, after taking in its final breath Fills the sky with the color of its last exhale − The radiant shades of its fiery death − The flame-like dye of its textured Vesper veil. And marked so bold against its gasping orange hue Before it’s finally doused Are the swarthy tree trunks and their heavy boughs That are branded on the waning ocher sky All stretched out and reaching high.

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3. This evening sky is like a placid lake of liquid light With leagues of deep and mellow tones Whose somber depths of color gradually fade from sight As you slowly raise your eyes And gaze into that upper, empty, and colorless zone. But the remnant colors that still remain before they die Are layered like prism bands And painted on the dusky sky in their signature brands Of subtle colors reserved especially for this special Autumn eve Just before they whisper their last good-byes And take their final leave. 4. That slowly fading orange-colored ball Swelling and becoming more and more opaque Has sunken now to just above the treetops, at a height That just touches the borders of that increasingly blurry break − That line of demarcation that separates Day from Night − Where the vault of gray and bluish colors blend Into ever-deepening and darker shades as Night descends To end that orange furnace brew And to finally douse that Orange Vesper view. 5. And when I look a little higher above the southwest winter trees I see the dim and icy jewel of Venus As a clear and silent bell, tolling the death of Light that now leaves This sky and will slowly slip into a dark and eerie genus. The evening, no longer excited by the Sun’s former orange fire Is losing all its color, making everything look so cold and dire And leaving only a hint of that former huge orange ball of heat − That Vesper-last of the Sun’s retreat.

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6. Now the chilly cold of evening’s reign begins Where orange has resolved itself into tones of blue and gray Making all the evening colors ever more obscure. Soon the stars, like tiny diamond pins Of light, begin to emerge and assemble for their nightly tour And that lovely glowing Orange Vesper hue Has all but been replaced by a cold and sable view For the Sun has gone and fully set and will only return With tomorrow Morning’s dew. 7. Throughout my life I never will forget The orange color of that evening Sun’s last and final breath That I witnessed from my bedroom pew − That lovely Orange Vesper hue − That last and soulful Orange Vesper view. *****

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y A February Moon 2-28-1964 The captivating beauty of a February Moon. _____ 1. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m looking over a low stretch of houses And see their windows being lit One by one as Vesper gently arouses Them. I also see a lurid Moon trying desperately to fit Itself, into a damp and misty sky, where Instinctively it knows it belongs. Silently it hangs there Making every effort to be strong Trying to hold onto its struggling evening light Against the black and intimidating Night. 2. This evening Moon is muted by a shroud of mist As a chilling fog pervades The sky, allowing me to only see the gist Of this young Moon, hampered further by the passing clouds That shade and dull its normally bright and shiny rule. In its vague and fragile state It looks somewhat like a glowing disc Peeking through a gossamer veil That has stretched itself across this Night. Its outline is wavy and insecure with a blurry white metallic Shine to it, as if it were some fallen Vikingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s shield of sturdy make Reflecting upward from the bottom of some dark medieval lake.

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3. With each passing cloud of ether-like Mist The Moon’s outline eerily oscillates. And as those marauding clouds persist I can’t detect any solid trait Of clarity or tangibility. Rather, I only see this Moon as a gleaming floating host Ever pulsing in this dark Night’s misty currency That shrouds and dulls its otherwise eminent silvery boast. But how beautiful and mysterious it is with its hazy hallowed rim And its frayed and vaguely white-illuminated trim. 4. And as I watch the vaporous borders of this Moon Shivering in its envelope of fog, I hail Its bravery, and wonder at the orchestrated beauty Of that magnificent triune Of Night, the cloudy Mist, and this glorious straining Moon Each with its own tale To tell, and each fiercely independent of the other Yet somehow all dependent and in phase. And as I peer in awe and wonder into this Night’s swirling maze I give birth to a million dreams That further distort the milky seams Of this full Moon On this freezing Winter Night In the Second Month of February. *****

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y The Noble Efforts Of The Moon 1-25-1965 Our moon provides us some inspirational comfort in life. _____ 1. I always seem to end up on the mossy side of town Where wayward, lost and forlorn moods Dress themselves in grimaced frowns And sulk in sticky bog-like broods. 2. This life of ours provides us little comfort or shallow guidance Not much more than Braille. And our troubles wrap themselves around our weary hearts And stick us with their thorns. And the icy winds of disappointment make things even worse As weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re constantly assailed By all our heavy moods as we try to make it through The dingy alleyways where they are born. 3. Desperate minds and hearts always lurk Where lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sores and ill moods so comfortably reside. And as well, our sour moods become the havens of all the hurts In which our sorrowed souls are inclined to hide.

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4. But can’t we glean even a little relief tonight From the vigil of our lovely Moon Who kindly offers us its ageless light And whose aim it is, is to give us hope enough To lighten up the burdens of our earthly plights? 5. Yes, for some hope does attend the advent of the Moon For through its lovely rays It helps us brave some of our most dreaded frights And saves us from the islands of despair On which we so often find ourselves marooned. 6. And as a mother would, she offers us her teat To satisfy our hunger and let us get some sleep. While she can’t always help us Against all our darkest fears and fated dooms We’re forever grateful to her for her selfless efforts And for her trying, and the unconditional love she always keeps For us, and for this we thank her − Our most loyal and gracious Moon. *****

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y A Silent Reprimand (To Jane) 5-31-1965 Trying to understand the motives behind Jane’s reluctance. (Written at sea aboard the USS Henley (DD 762) to Jane Blum, a Washington, DC girlfriend.) _____ 1. Why is it that so frequently you seem To change your affection towards me, and often not With the slightest motive that my baffled eyes Can see? Beneath each change I’m sure a motive lies. But not knowing what quirk, or worse, what devious plot May lie behind them is what haunts me like some stalking fiend. 2. Is it some kind of shyness that takes away your hand From mine. Is it something as simple as that And so easily explained? Or is it something more complex Like some fear or shame of me? Or some kind of subtle reprimand That makes you frequently retreat into your icy shell? Although I’ve tried, I still can’t figure out What your reasons might exactly be.

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3. How can I gauge Your heart, other than through Your ice-cold crystal eyes of blue? In time I hope, perhaps naively That they’ll soften and become the stage From which your passion might awaken and take its cue. So I watch and wait for your gaze To soften from its current steely and unsettling view. 4. Please reveal the reasons for your hesitations If at all you can So that I may understand you more And better judge myself as well. Help me understand Why your hands and eyes so often turn to ice, before I make the wrong assumptions about myself, you, or us And possibly damn us all to Hell. 5. And tell me if there’ll ever come a time when I’ll deserve To have a lover’s smile from you − To have you willingly extend your hand − To have you put your lips to mine without reserve − To have your heart, without some silent reprimand. *****

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y Competing Forces (Where Do We Go From Here?) 6-11-1965 Our primal instincts and logical minds are often at odds. _____ 1. What is right? And what is wrong? These are man’s competing and perplexing questions. And even after we’ve decided on the answers We still have to ask ourselves, “Where do we go from here?” 2. The mind contains an ever-present fear In every choice we make − The fear in all of us − The fear of simply choosing. 3. Ignorance berths so many of our fears And self-preservation, being our most primitive instinct, Drives most of all our inclinations and our choices And therefore shouldn’t be considered our most reliable advisors.

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4. Even sophisticated reasoning And higher education Can’t seem to over-ride Our basic fears and primal instincts. Nor can they replace What experience has engrained in us No matter how hard we try. 5. Reason and education Verses Instinct and experience − Competing universal forces of choice − First supporting, then undermining − First confirming, then contradicting − First reassuring, then unsettling. 6. And so even after we have decided We’re still not sure of our decisions And often have to ask ourselves, “Where do we go from here?” *****

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y At Sea 8-17-1966 Observing how the ship agitates the phosphorescent organisms at night aboard the USS McMorris (DE-1036) in the North Pacific. _____ 1. Looking out this evening Into the distance of the ocean, I see A dark, heavy and threatening rain-filled squall Hanging down and dragging along the surface of the sea Like an old black tattered shawl. 2. Then looking down, I see a ring of lights around the ship â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A halo of pulsating sparks Made by all the phosphorescent creatures that we awoke And that mark Their fright and anger over the shipâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s intrusive sin Of slicing through the peaceful waters That they once slumbered in. 3. But when we pass they forgive us of our sin And quickly fall asleep again Returning the sea To its black and peaceful silence Once again. *****

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y Overlooking Honolulu From Tripler (To Bich-Thuy) 1-28-1967 I took Thuy to a high point at Tripler Air Force Base, in Hawaii, which overlooked the valley and was captured by its beauty which was fuelled by my infatuation with her. _____

1. Looking through the weeping willow trees My eyes were filled With all the lovely multi-colored lights That tumbled down Onto the hills below. 2. And lifting up my eyes I saw the panoramic sky As a big black blanket On which the stars were all spread out upon it. I also saw the gossamer glow of misty clouds That were gently coerced By this nightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s warm and whispering breeze.

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3. The leaves on all the bushes and trees Were shining white Reflecting all the glory of the moon. And when the wind would speak to them Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d all giggle, dance and sparkle in response. 4. A million insects Choired from their grassy hiding places And the Song Of this loveliest night of all Was in my heart And almost on my lips. 5. And as we sat together Overlooking that lighted valley below I was overcome With the prospect Of her love and beauty being mine But also frightened By the power and rule that she had over me. *****

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At Sea Today â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Tonight 6-22-1967 Observations of a sun and moonrise on watch out at sea in the North Pacific. _____ 1. Today: At sea today the clouds were running white With sharp flat bottoms and billowy tops. And just above the Eastern line Was the rising Sun Making a million shining mirrors On the surface of the sea. ~ I will never forget The birth of that new-born day And the thrill and hope Of all things good and new to come.

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2. Tonight: The Moon appeared With its pale-soft orange fuzzy borders Insecure and tense. But as it rose, it hardened Into a bold and confident solid white And stared down at me With a brash and forward self-assurance. It stared directly and defiantly into my face As if to put me in my place. Was it really conceit and arrogance That I saw in that glaring eye? Or was it my own self-consciousness Just reading into things too much again? Or was she perhaps something more benign Like a secret admirer Or maybe even a lover Trying to seduce me in this night of hers? Or more so, was she my Bride Waiting for me at her alter in this night’s sky With her long and shiny reflection On the surface of the sea That lay in front of me Being the trail of her embroidered bridal gown? ~ Yes, that’s the way I want to remember her − That silent ocean Moon − As a beautiful, innocent and blushing Bride And not as some harsh and disapproving Witch Looking down on me. *****

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y I Cannot Sleep Because Of Her (On Bich-Thuy) (2 am) 10-30-1967 At night I’d often sit in the front porch of my home in Brooklyn and reflect upon my life. This time I was thinking about Thuy who I left in Hawaii after serving 4 years in the Navy. _____ 1. Unable to sleep I’m sitting in the dark in the front porch of my house Looking out upon a dead and empty winter street Absorbed with only sad and restless thoughts of her – The girl who still owns my heart. 2. The shadow of a bare-leafed branch Slowly waves back and forth Against a patch of moonlight on the wall And stirs in me An eerie and unsure feeling of myself. 3. I hear a dried up fallen leaf driven by the wind Scratching claw-like on the concrete ground outside And the never-steady always-gusting wind Making rattling icy plates out of all the windowpanes.

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4. I see and feel the wind Squeezing through the window frames Making all the curtains breathe And the room so awfully damp and cold. 5. Looking up I can barely see the stars Through the dingy veil of the smog-filled city air For these stars are so unlike The finely sprinkled diamonds That I know are spread out Across the clear and pitch-black sky In the warm and dear Hawaii That I left behind some months ago. Sadly here The stars are only weak and blurry dots â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Just hints of stars â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Not really stars at all. 6. The wind speaks up in icy gusts And the boughs respond accordingly Bending slowly like flexible wands And creaking with every move as if in pain.

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7. And as the caravan of anemic stars Moves westward Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re escorted by a pale full moon. And in the streets The winds maraud like rowdies And for fear of them Not a stick or stone Will say a single word in protest But rather just hold their tongues And accept their fates Knowing that in time All things will pass. 8. This is what I see and feel tonight In my dark and icy porch Hurting with a pained and heavy heart Missing my Hawaii And the brown-eyed girl I had to leave behind. *****

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y Nearing To The End Of Night 3-8-1968 Impressions on a drizzly night while on the Staten Island Ferry returning to Manhattan after a date with a Karen Tanaskovic. (Karen had sadly been molested by her uncle that traumatized her.) _____ 1. Nearing to the end of night As the darkness slowly thins An icy mist begins To form, that swells up all the city lights Making them look larger than what they really are And more mysterious by far. Then, it begins to rain And I feel eerily in contact with almost everything. 2. With an eye and mind like mine, acute and serious, I can place myself At the epicenter of a rain-dropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s expanding rings After it smashes, like a meteor Into a puddleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s formerly smooth and static surface. Tonight, with this special kind of sensitivity I can touch the souls of almost everything.

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3. I can smell the heavy scent of damp cement And taste the silver water droplets that wet The cold brown trees, and present Themselves like shiny icy sequins everywhere they set. Tonight, I can read the inner thoughts of almost everything. 4. A gusty wind beats the rain into a driving biting spray That chaps and reddens my cheeks And whips my thoughts and emotions From those that are in complete disarray To those that are at their most coherent, Insightful and sharpened peaks. Tonight, I can hear the heartbeats of almost every living thing. 5. This night, like on so many other rainy nights, Awakes in me a special kind of insight That gives birth to what others cannot feel or see. Tonight, I am one with almost everything. *****

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y Never To See Her Again? (To Bich-Thuy) 9-23-1968 Still emotionally involved with Thuy, this poem was inspired by her departure from JFK airport on 6-26-1968 after her summer attendance at New York University in New York City. (Written on a plane returning from a trip I took through Europe with a former Navy shipmate of mine, John Kasdorf.) _____ 1. I held her for the last time Trying to capture the smell and feel of her In the cotton dress and blouse she wore And that I might never smell or feel again. I couldn’t kiss her, for I was near to crying And a kiss would surely break What little composure I had left. 2. “Go now, please go”, I told her. And as I did, I felt her tighten on me, Then loosen, Then turn and walk away Down the ramp and onto the plane.

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3. I saw her in the little oval window of the plane Holding a handkerchief against her eyes. She waved at me And I waved back With the little red ticket I had From the airport parking lot. 4. Then I cried, with my chest heaving. Never to see her again? It was something That I couldn’t believe was happening. It was something That I’d only seen in the movies Or read about in books And never thought could happen to me. 5. I couldn’t conceive Of never seeing her again For she was taking with her So much of me. 6. And as I thought about it − About never seeing her again − I cried again. Some people looked at me Then politely looked away − But others stared. I used my sleeves to wipe away my tears For I’d given my handkerchief to her.

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7. I saw her wave again and cry. And as she cried I actually heard her crying And even felt and tasted her tears As they rolled down her cheek − Yes, she was that close to me − She was that deep inside my heart. 8. After a while I had to sit down For I felt the blood draining from my head. Out and out it drained Down to almost empty. 9. I just couldn’t conceive Of never seeing her again For she was taking with her So much of me. *****

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y A Cold Rainy Windy Night 11-18-1968 Cold rainy nights always conjure up poetic and trance-like images. _____ 1. Before it rained the wind came up â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A raging wind that brings to Autumn nights Gangs of leaves stampeding through the streets Like a wild unruly mob stirred up by a desperate cause. 2. Then it rained And I heard the heavy rain drops Splashing hard upon the ground. I also saw the lights in the windows Dying one by one As the neighborhood began to go to sleep. And in this setting I walked the black, wet and shinny streets Studying the hypnotizing street lights That shimmered off the agitated puddles That were everywhere.

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3. I went another block And stopped in a doorway to have a smoke. From there I watched the headlights of the cars Fill with gusts of rain That made them look like Pulsating balls of lightning That come with the summer heat And like they were almost breathing. 4. Even though I’m wet, cold and alone And feeling strange That I’m the only one out on a night like this I feel curiously content For I’m always away somewhere − Somewhere in the dreams and trances That I often go into On nights like this. *****

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y My Gift To You Tonight (On Bich-Thuy In Hawaii) 12-24-1969 Still having deep and confused feelings for Thuy I’m remembering a vigil I kept on a visit to Hawaii on my return from a trip to Asia. (Inspired, in part, by a scene from the movie, “Dr. Zhivago.”) _____ 1. Looking up from my chair I see you lying there In the bed on the other side of the room Breathing lightly And sleeping like an angel. 2. The wind is beating on the window Boasting of its strength And exciting all my heart-born dreams of you That range from nothing to everything − All mixed up and vague With not one of them a solid thing at all And the perfect storm for a love-sick heart like mine That can’t settle down or control itself Over its nagging and unresolved love for you.

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3. A sense of loneliness comes over me As I sit here watching you sleep While I write about a hopeless love That I just can’t seem to put to rest. Can you feel me watching you? Can you feel me over here in love with you All over again And my heart Picking up where it left off? 4. My face and chest are flush From all the wine That I’ve been drinking for hours now. And my mind and heart are almost exhausted From trying to reach you Telepathically And have you invite me to your bed. But since you haven’t moved as yet I’ll wait a little longer. 5. Although I want so much To lay down with you I won’t As this will be my awkward gift to you tonight – Not to wake you from your sleep.

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6. So instead I’ll just wait until your silent invitation comes When hopefully sometime in the night You’ll awake And without a word Extend your hand to me And ask me In love and silence To join you there. 7. And as I listen to the palm trees Rustling in the wind outside And hear all the other sounds In this lovely moon-lit night of ours I stay awake and watch you With my mind all crammed with loving thoughts of you That I never thought I’d find so full again − But now, here with you again I’ve found them in their fullest. 8. I no longer hear The cracking of the ice in my drink For it’s gotten warm and stale While waiting for your invitation Which never came For you slept right through my watch As if I weren’t even there.

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9. So, with the dawn just an hour or so away I’ll end my quiet and disappointing vigil And kiss you, “Goodnight” Without your ever knowing Of my silent gift to you tonight. 10. Tonight was just a night Like so many other nights Whose hopes and dreams Have gone unfulfilled − Just another mirage In the parched and empty desert That I’m always walking in with you. 11. But as always I’m still hoping for A new and magic world to appear And take us in − A world with different rules And where impossibilities can happen. 12. I’m always hoping For that ever-promising second chance for us − Maybe in the morning − Or maybe on another night − But sadly and most likely Never. *****

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y Headlights On The Snow 1-22-2001 Mustering up his courage. _____ 1. He parked his pick-up truck Close to the cattle fence As he did every morning just before dawn With its headlights Shining across a field of snow Giving it a strangely warm and golden glow. 2. His coffee’s steaming up the windows On the driver’s side. 3. He’s got his radio on very low So as not to distract him From trying to arrange some order Out of all that worries him. 4. It’s 5 am − He’s alone − And it’s dark and very cold outside.

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5. He prays that time will slow down a bit And that dawn will be delayed a little â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Just long enough for him to finish his coffee And to build his courage up To face another day. *****

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y Thanks But I Can See My Own Way Out 3-5-2001 Wanting to experience death privately and personally. _____ 1. My end is near And I can’t hold out much longer. It’s now, just a matter of time. 2. My mind is calm and reconciled For it’s lost both its will to live And its fear of dying And is now ready to let go of Life Which is already reaching its hand out to Death. 3. Dear friend, don’t feel you have to stay with me For I’m not afraid to die alone In fact, I prefer to be alone. So without any guilt or hesitation Just slip the bow line of my boat And let the current take me where it may. 4. Please leave me be in my final hours. Please let me have my privacy In that special sacred moment When I’ll finally meet this thing called Death.

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5. I feel my inners slowly shutting down And that Life and Death are now Both in the room With one on the left and the other on the right − With each one reaching out for the other’s hand And both in agreement as to how things will proceed. 6. Please dear friend, be a true friend of mine By not trying to intervene on my behalf But rather, just let me be For I want to fully experience − In my own private and personal way − How Life is gently handed off to Death. 7. Dear friend, you needn’t stay with me. Though I appreciate your kindness I don’t need your vigil to comfort me For I can walk these last few steps By myself. 8. I want to feel my life slowly drain out of me − Privately, and without distraction. I want to feel all and every part of me Expire, one by one − Each in sequence and in turn. I want to experience Nature Doing her most intimate and personal work.

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9. I want to see for myself This Life-to-Death transition That I’ve always heard so much about. Like witnessing the changing colors of the leaves in autumn I want to see and feel my change, first hand. So all I ask of you, is that you try to understand And just leave me be And not to worry, for I’ll be OK. 10. I know that it’s my time now But I’m not afraid. So let my heart and soul Concentrate on their transitions. Let me meet my Fate in private. Let me introduce myself to Death − That thing you always hear But are afraid to talk about − That thing that I’ll be spending more time with Than I ever spent with Life − That thing that I’ll be spending an eternity with. 11. So please good friend Let me meet my Death on my own terms And in my own personal way For it will be Both an honor and a privilege for me. Just let me be For there’s no need for you to stay Thinking that you’re helping me For as I said before I’m not so afraid to die as I used to be.

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12. And don’t be sad or sorry for my passing For rest assured I’ll be alright. And don’t feel guilty either About leaving me alone For you’ll actually be doing me a favor. 13. Don’t feel that I don’t appreciate Your kindness and consideration It’s just that I want to be The full and solitary witness to my passing. And trust me my dear and faithful friend I won’t be alone For I’ll have both Courage and Curiosity To comfort me. 14. And finally, friend, don’t worry yourself About some phantom obligation That you may think you have to me. Please clear your conscience Of any thoughts like that For honestly, I’ll be alright. 15. So good-bye my friend And thank you for your offer But I can see my own way out. *****

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y They Shall Become Our Masters 4-30-2001 We often become full of ourselves and forget our roots. _____ 1. Some among us will leave the tribe And venture out in search of better things. They’ll bear every hardship they encounter, Cross every desert, mountain and river, Face down every enemy, And learn everything they can along their journey. 2. And in doing so They’ll have acquired a whole new set of skills, More ominous weapons, And more formidably They’ll have become enamored with themselves And honed an aggressive sense of their own superiority. 3. They’ll also have lost their scent, their color And all their former tribal markings And make themselves believe That they’re better than us And forget that they were even one of us Not so long ago.

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4. With all their newly acquired powers And their superior image of themselves They will in time return And assume they’ve earned the right To be our rulers. 5. And with their new and cunning skills, Their sheer determination, And their sense of righteousness They will succeed and become in fact Our new nobility. 6. And as for us In our complacency We’ll remain The peasants that we’ve always been. 7. Yes, these new elite will become our leaders But they’ll also become our burdens Just as we’ll become theirs. *****

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y We Must Kill To Live! 9-5-2001 We’re not as civilized as we think we are. _____ 1. It’s always been clear to me That the Life cycle we’re in Is a very brutal one And to prove it to ourselves All we have to do is think about the fact That every day We have to kill to live! − That every day We have to kill some other creature And then eat it! − That every day We have to take another’s life To keep our own! Need I say anything more? 2. We socialize and philosophize; We legislate intricate laws and write intellectual books; We study and interpret our sacred scriptures; We master the sciences and the arts; And we compose touching poems About such delicate things as beauty, truth and love All of which are manifestations Of a civilized society.

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3. But underneath it all Is the horrible fact That our very survival depends upon our killing. And when hunger calls We’ll put down our fancy books Fold up our reading glasses Set aside our social graces Bare our teeth And go out and kill! 4. No matter how we mask things Or call them by different names The things we do are downright savage. Even the simple and innocent act Of buying a piece of meat at the local supermarket Is nothing less than a contract murder Carried out on our behalf. We are killers by our very natures And every day In one way or another We have to go out and kill. 5. Nor can we mask our brutal natures By going to a five star restaurant For just think about what we’re actually doing: We’re sitting down at a table, Tearing off the flesh from the body parts Of a fresh and innocent kill, And devouring it like the animals that we are Guiltlessly and with gusto.

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6. Then, to further mask our brutish acts And continue with our charade We gently dab our napkins At the corners of our mouths And with pinkies raised Take a sip of vintage wine And say to our dinner guests, “What excellent cuisine!” Oh, how we delude ourselves Into thinking that we’re “civilized” When behind it all − Behind that lovely gourmet meal − Was in fact a brutal killing! 7. With our stomachs full And our mouths wiped clean of blood We go home, Put our reading glasses back on And resume where we left off Not thinking about The underlying brutality That just happened. 8. Just as any animal does We hunt and kill And kill and kill again All driven by the primitive urge to eat. That’s the way things are And the way they shall remain.

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9. No matter how sophisticated We may think we are We’re just like all the other animals Because just like them We must go out and kill Just to live. 10. Need I say anything more? No, I think not, and therefore I will rest my case. 11. And when the verdict comes in From an impartial jury after our trial We’ll surely be found “Guilty! − Guilty of murder in the first degree!" And if not guilty of murder in the first degree Then guilty of murder in the second degree − Or at the very minimum − Guilty as accessories, both before and or after the fact. ~ Oh, what a brutal system we are in. *****

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y It Was Then That I Knew 7-24-2005 You can sense when you’ve lost someone. _____ 1. When I hurt her and she didn’t cry; When she listened to me but never said a word; When she smiled politely at everything I said; When she didn’t argue anymore − It was then that I knew. 2. When she accepted all my lame excuses; When she sympathized with all my whining; When she stopped her questioning And didn’t make any more suggestions; It was then that I knew. 3. When I held her and she didn’t hold me back; When she stared at me without expression; When she was there, but really wasn’t − It was then that I knew. 4. It was then that I knew that she had left me. It was then that I knew that I had lost her. It was then that I knew that she was gone And gone for good. *****

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y Nature Only Needs You For A While (You’re Just A Hanger-On) 1-8-2006 Our main purpose in life is reproduction after which we serve little other significant purpose. _____ 1. When you’ve had your children Your job in Nature’s Plan Is virtually done And you’re at the point Where more or less You’re just a “hanger-on.” 2. Life’s formula is simple: Survive and reproduce. But after that You have little more purpose in Life And Life has little use for you As you’re just a “hanger-on.”

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3. After procreation You no longer have any real utility. You’re no longer the center of Life’s attention. After procreation It doesn’t matter to Life If you should live or die. You’ve played your part. You’ve fought your way upstream And spawned your eggs So now, Life could care less If you bellied-up and died. 4. With your most important mission completed Nature classifies you as a retiree And no longer an active employee And puts you out to pasture As a pensioner. 5. Life’s once-flattering focus on you Is now directed elsewhere. You’re no longer the center of attention − And sorry to say − You are more or less Expendable. As far as Life’s concerned You can leave any time you like For it really doesn’t need you anymore For now You’re just a “hanger-on.” ***** 182

Or Better Yet… 8-30-2010 Asking for some inner fortitude. _____ 1. Touch me And I’ll withdraw For there are all too many Tender spots on me. 2. Look at me And I’ll feel you’re looking down on me Or worse, that somehow You’re maybe even hating me. 3. No matter how accomplished I become I never feel I’m good enough And that I must do even more To prove myself.

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4. Don’t tell me that I’m being paranoid For I know the world has little use for me And even less respect. I also know that in certain ways It’s even out to get me Taking advantage whenever it can − Just because it can − And singling me out As its weakest target And easiest meal. 5. Will my sky be any color Other than gray? Will there ever be something That’s not pressing on my heart? Will I ever find the strength To ignore the world And its crushing disapprovals? Will I ever find a way To remove the thorn in my paw That makes me limp so bad? 6. Oh Life Don’t take another bite out of me. Don’t leave me half chewed up to face the world Even more disfigured and defenseless Than I already am. Don’t put another leech on me And drain me of what little I have left.

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7. And Life Please see me as something more Rather than as something less And forgive me for my faults − Or better yet Let me forgive myself. 8. Oh Life Would you do me a favor? Would you slap my abusers in their faces And make them come to their senses? Would you make them realize That they’re all wrong about me − Or better yet Can you give me the courage To tell them myself? 9. Oh Life Please let the world see me Just once As someone to be admired As opposed to someone Who’s always being frowned upon − Or better yet Allow me To see myself that way.

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10. Oh Life Please give me the hardened crust I need To protect myself from the pain Of oversensitivity and self-criticism − Or better yet Give me the self-esteem That you’ve given to others But that either by mistake or by design You somehow didn’t give to me. 11. Please dear Life Give me the peace of mind That comes with true self-confidence And which I’ve had to do without For all my life And that has made me A half-starved skeleton of skin and bone Compared to all the others Who are so well fed. 12. Oh Life Please be kind and gracious In these my final years with you By giving me as your parting gift A few of these little things That I’ve always wanted. While it wouldn’t mean so much to you It would mean the world to me. *****

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y A Blank Page And The Open Sea 12-18-2010 The equal apprehension and fear of a new venture. _____ 1. A writer stares at a blank piece of paper On which he’s about to write And a sailor stares out at the open sea On which he’s about to sail − Each as apprehensive And as frightened as the other. 2. What dangers lie ahead for them? How long will they be gone From those they love? And will they ever return The same way that they left? 3. What adventures will unfold for them That they’ll proudly boast about? And what ordeals will they endure That they’ll never want to talk about?

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4. What rejections will the writer have to bear? And what fears will the sailor have to fare? 5. These are the complementary concerns they have And the questions that they ask themselves Before the pen is ever put to paper Or the sail is ever raised. 6. A blank page and the open sea â&#x2C6;&#x2019; One sitting at his desk And the other standing on the dock â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Equally apprehensive And equally frightened Of what may lie ahead of them. *****

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y Prisoners Of The Soil And Beggars For The Sun 1-25-2011 The restrictions and limits in life. _____ 1. Oh these poor, poor trees of ours Who are stuck forever in one location − Unable to change their places or positions And completely dependent On the charity of the sun and soil. 2. As the sun passes over overhead They try to catch whatever morsels of light they can − Begging if they have to − With their branches reaching out Like beggars’ arms Thankful for whatever they get But so often going to bed hungry And dreaming of a better day tomorrow.

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3. Oh these poor, poor trees of ours Who can neither hunt, gather or complain â&#x2C6;&#x2019; But only be The daily beggar prisoners that they are Until the day they die And who are in many ways In circumstances Not so different from ours. *****

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y Trees (We Both Survived Another Night) 1-30-2011 Kinship with the trees. _____ 1. Trees From their birth to their death Are confined to one place With their feet bound and buried in the ground Wherein all they can do is accept Whatever alms the soil can afford to give And whatever light the Sun decides to share. 2. They canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t run from danger Or escape from their harsh surroundings. Nor can they avoid The threats of weather, insects or disease â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Or of man, their most dangerous threat of all. 3. All they can do is follow the Sun Like a dog follows its master Or the tide follows the moon.

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4. All they can do is stretch and strain A millimeter or two To gain an ever so slight And more favorable angle to catch the light Which in time will bend and crook their postures And evidence their stress And mark the price they had to pay In homage to the Sun. 5. In many ways we share a fate Similar to theirs For we too are bound and rooted By our own inherent limits And just as dependent On the mercy of the world for what we need Making us brethren with them In both our conditions and our destinies. 6. We, like they, Are born into and live within a system Over which we have very little control â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Born into a cruel and unemotional system Of life in the beginning Death at the end And fear, sacrifice and suffering In between.

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7. We are born into a dual system Of peaceful coexistence and predatory fear; A system of survival of the smartest, fittest, and luckiest And death for the dumbest, weakest, and less fortunate; A tandem system of health and sickness; An imbalanced system of smooth and steady predictability Menaced by hard and sudden unpredictability; A system that quickly confirms That we must forever be on our guard. 8. And as I stand before them here at Dusk Admiring their towering magnificence That symbolizes their tenacity and strength Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m in touch with the Soul I know they have. 9. And as I stand here with Night approaching I worry for their safety overnight When they will have to stand alone In the sunless and cold dark forest At a time and place Where they will be at their most vulnerable And that will test their inner strength and character To the fullest. 10. And when the morning comes Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll anxiously return to check on them And be relieved to see That we both have survived another night. ***** 193

y Starch Up Your Tents (The Queen Is Coming) 2-4-2011 Doing their impoverished best. _____ 1. Starch up your tents You poor impoverished peasants. Rise above your fate and your miserable conditions. Show your courage and resilience And put forth your best appearance For the Queen is coming. 2. Lay down a mat of twigs and branches Along the muddy village path that she will walk. Dig a hole and dispose of all your trash and waste And make sure that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s deep and far enough away So its sight and smell wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t catch her notice.

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3. Wash your tents and starch them up White and stiff And wet down your dry dirt floors To keep the dust from rising. Rearrange your furniture And fluff your pillows up So your modest peasant homes Will look their most presentable. Then light some incense To quiet all offensive odors. And finally Say a prayer to chase the ghosts away For the Queen is coming. 4. Go down to the river Where the water flows best And scrub yourselves. Then beat your clothes against the rocks Until theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re as clean as they can get. Then gently and evenly Lay them on the bushes So that the sun will dry them With the fewest wrinkles And theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll make their best impression On the Queen.

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5. Mind your manners When the Queen arrives. Show her the respect and pride You have for her And for yourselves. Show her that You’re trying your very best With the little you have And she’ll make note of it. 6. For just this one special day Put aside your stress And hide your pain and misery. Wash the dirt off your faces And don’t let her see you downcast And disheartened. And don’t speak until you’re spoken to Or she will think That you’re presumptuous And out of place Which might turn her eyes and heart Away from you. 7. Without staring Look her proudly in the eye And show her your class and dignity. Give her your deepest country bows And most graceful curtsies And your efforts Won’t go unnoticed.

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8. Do these things And youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have done your best To encourage her sympathy And maybe even gain her favor Which will be your best and only chance For any help from her. 9. And lastly And maybe most importantly Pray that your Queen is a benevolent Queen With a tender heart That can feel your pain And has a determined will To help your cause In return for all your noble efforts For best presenting yourselves And honoring her As your gracious Queen. *****

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It’s Not Easy But I’m Trying (On Retirement) 3-10-2011 Retirement is heavy on me right now. _____ 1. I’m trying hard To adjust to my retirement And not slip into a slow, low-grade depression. I’m trying hard to keep myself busy And replace the external motivation That my former job had given me With the motivation That a stimulating avocation might give me During my retirement. 2. I’m also trying hard To counter the especially heavy weight That’s on my spirit now That comes from knowing That I was involuntarily retired In that my job was eliminated – In a craftily conceived and contrived plot − By someone who used to be my friend no less.

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3. I’m trying hard Not to think about the dashed hope I had For a more honorable ending to my career − The hope of going out on a high note By retiring on my own And on my own terms. 4. I’m trying hard Not to get lost or caught in a maze of underbrush By cutting away as best I can The briars and the brambles Of all those moods and broods And endless near-depressions That I so often find myself entangled in. 5. I’m trying hard Not to fall victim to A death by a thousand little cuts Or a life of a thousand nagging regrets. 6. I’m trying hard To look forward to a smoother road ahead And to forget about the bumpy road That I’d just come off.

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7. I’m trying hard To look at my retirement As the beginning of a new life With a new and reborn spirit And not just a stalking And hitch-hiking extension Of the old one. ~ It’s not easy But I’m trying. *****

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y The Dump 3-18-2011 Strange observations at the Dump. _____ 1. Having worked at the Dump For so many years And seeing all the things that people throw away − And the forensics that are associated with them − I’ve gained a unique insight Into Life And into Death. 2. Here at the Dump You can learn an awful lot about society And the people in it From what winds up at the Dump. And if you have the kind of psychic sensitivity that I have For seeing the unseen You can see and learn even more.

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3. I’ve seen so many things thrown away That still have value And that the needy would just love to have − So many things That could have easily been repaired But weren’t Just because it was cheaper to buy a new one. I’ve seen working TVs and radios pitched out Just because new technology Had made them slightly obsolete. I’ve also seen designer clothes discarded Just because they were a little out of style. 4. Here at the Dump I’ve seen supernatural things too − Upsetting things − Things that have attached themselves To the possessions that have been thrown away Such as the spirits of their past owners Who have refused to let go of the things they used to own And that now Have found their way to the Dump. 5. All of these disquieting things That only I seem to see Weigh upon my mind. And despite my best efforts not to I sometimes bring them home with me Which unsettles my evenings And often keeps me awake at night.

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6. Here at the Dump I’ve seen, In the carriages that are thrown away, The babies who were gently pushed in them. I’ve seen the owners of discarded family bibles Crying over the callous disregard For their family heirlooms. I’ve seen the injured and the wounded On the crutches and wheelchairs That have come through here. I’ve seen torn up poems and love letters And the heartbroken lovers who wrote them. I’ve seen old worn out sofas and armchairs With the images of their former owners Still seated in them. And I’ve seen on many an old and stained mattress The ghosts of those Who had suffered and died on them. 7. Here at the dump I’m sort of a coroner who’s been Shanghaied By this gift or curse of mine And forced to perform autopsies On everything that comes through here. Here at the Dump I’ve been abducted Into an Afterworld of ghosts − The ghosts of all the former owners of the things That have now found their way to the Dump − An Afterworld that is full of the past But devoid of any future.

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8. Here at the Dump I see Life and Death braded to each other Which is both a privilege and a burden For I see things That others cannot see And that I sometimes wish I didn’t see. 9. Here at the Dump I have mixed emotions Both about my job And my special sensitivities In that I sometimes wish That I could simply look away And not see what I see. But on the other hand I wonder if I truly could resist Its fatal attraction − An attraction comparable To the morbid curiosity that compels us To slow down And gawk at a wreck on the highway. 10. And in my silent hours When I’m home alone I often wonder if, when I pass away My spirit will remain attached To the things that I used to own When they are thrown away And wind up in the Dump.

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11. I also can’t help but wonder If there’ll be someone working at the Dump Who’ll be able to see the things that I used to see And therefore possibly see my spirit Attached to all of my old things. 12. And if there is such a person I wonder if we’ll nod to each other In recognition and mutual respect As brethrens In this mysterious and eerie Afterworld Of ghosts and spirits − A world where nothing seems to die with finality − A world where Life and Death are intertwined And uncomfortably co-exist In a strange communion with each other − In a world that others cannot see. *****

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y Ready Or Not (Manila) 5-8-2011 Nature initially protects us but then quickly leaves us on our own. _____ 1. Nature protects us Like a mother bird protects her young But only for a set and programmed period of time After which She’ll leave us to our fledging instincts And inexperience − Ready or not. 2. Nature has no malicious intent In whatever she does But she also has no conscience either For that’s just the way she is And there’s nothing personal in what she does Including leaving us To either the merciful gods Or to the hungry wolves − Ready or not.

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3. We are given life And an initial protected start But not for long For all too soon We’re put out on our own − Ready or not. 4. And even though we survive And our backs harden Into tough protective crusts Our hearts and underbellies Remain vulnerable and tender to the touch For we can never Ease our feelings of abandonment Or replace the security that we once had but lost When we were torn away From the warm breasts of our mothers And left sucking dry and cold And forced to fend for ourselves − Ready or not. *****

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y Leaky Bottom (Manila) 5-8-2011 Things that come along with age. _____ 1. What’s this tiny little brown spot In my underwear? I never saw that before. 2. And why is it that while I’m walking − Without any warning at all − I sometimes pass a little gas? 3. And there are also times That I burp out loud In the company of others − What’s with that? 4. How is it now That I rarely get Any advanced notice of these things − And even if I do − How come I can’t seem to stop them?

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5. As I advance in age I seem to be regressing And therefore have to ask myself If I’m losing control of my facilities And becoming once again As helpless as a baby. 6. Sometimes when I walk by a mirror I notice that my hair is all messed up Looking like I forgot to comb it After getting out of bed Which is exactly what happened. 7. And there’s more As evidenced by the fact That sometimes halfway through a story I realize that I’ve told that story A number of times before. 8. And there’s another thing I’ve noticed too − That after an impressive introduction To a point I want to make I sometimes Completely lose my train of thought. 9. I seemed to have entered a new stage in my life Where I’m becoming an old man − The old man That only others used to become.

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10. When I was young All these things That used to be one-off things Are now coming With increased regularity And decreased predictability. 11. As I age I know I can’t prevent the inevitable Or hide the obvious. Nor can I deny that I’ve changed And become a very different person in many ways Than I was before. Maybe I can pull the wool over my own eyes About the effects of my aging But I can’t for a minute Do the same with respect to others. 12. I can’t hide Or be too defensive About my aging and its symptoms For that would be very obvious And therefore wouldn’t work. Rather, I’ve just got to accept these things As graciously and as good-naturedly as I can. I’m a “new old me” now Which I not only have to get used to But also Make the best of.

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13. I can’t resurrect my youth And prop it up As if it were still alive. I can’t put a dummy on my knee And make it look and act like me when I was young And play ventriloquist and get away with it For I’m sure that everyone Would see my lips moving. 14. I’ve got to recognize My changed and new position in life. I’ve got to get from behind the wheel And into the back seat. I’ve got to get used to being a consultant And not management; The defense attorney Rather than the prosecutor; The frugal saver As opposed to the big spender. I’ve got to change from the sprinter To the walker; And from the talker To the listener. I’ve got to recognize and accept All the various changes That come along with age.

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15. And with my aging I’ve also got to conserve my energy And not blow it all in one burst. I’ve got to walk Rather than run. I’ve got to substitute my brain For my brawn; Be the philosopher Rather than the braggart; Be the white-haired gentleman And not the brash young Turk; And the seasoned veteran As opposed to the green recruit. I’ve also got to transform myself From the hard-charging soldier To the eloquent and thinking diplomat; And further I’ve got to try to mellow as I age Rather than sour Into a grumpy old man. 16. I’ve got to recognize that I’ve aged And accept along with it The convoy of embarrassing Slips, squeaks and boo-boos that accompany it And just do my best to hide or mask them. But knowing that that won’t work all the time I’ve got to accept that too and just hope and pray That not too many people notice And are forgiving when they do. ***** 212

y That Slight Hesitation (Beijing, China) 5-11-2011 The weight and responsibility of having a special gift. _____ 1. As soon as the order was given The soldiers were up and over their trenches, Out from their cover and into the open, And charging through the bullets and mortar shells. 2. While they all seemed to move At the exact moment the order was given It didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t happen exactly that way For I saw it All in slow-motion and minute detail And what I saw Was an ever-so-slight hesitation Just before they charged. 3. What I saw Was a split-second hesitation â&#x2C6;&#x2019; The hesitation that herds of animals experience Just before the first one moves And right before the whole herd moves.

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4. What I saw Was a little pause − That little comma in a sentence − That patch of time that’s required to overcome inertia − That little doubt and second thought – That reconsideration − That slight temptation of disobedience − That tiny transition of time between command and action – That little delay between fear and courage – That primal flash of the instinct for survival. 5. And as they ran I saw something else as well. I saw their blood spilling on the ground ahead of them Before it actually spilled. What I saw Was that split-second peek into the future Just before they were hit. 6. What I saw Before they were actually hit Were the bullets approaching them In slow motion. I also felt all the slow-motion tension Of anticipation and fear As I waited for them to make contact.

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7. Then I heard the dull thuds of those bullets And saw them as they ripped through their flesh. And as each soldier was hit They dropped like dead meat − One-by-one and side-by-side − Making death-mask impressions in the mud Which filled with the thick and sticky blood That quickly drained out of them. 8. I also saw in slow-motion That when they were hit They didn’t fall back With their legs spread out And their arms flying in the air Like you’d see in the movies − Nothing so dramatic and theatrical as that − For what I saw Was their falling Like lifeless and heavy bags of wet cement When their legs stopped running The moment they were hit For in most cases They were dead Before they even hit the ground.

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9. All these things I saw In slow motion and minute detail And all before they actually happened But never in enough time to matter For anything − Never in enough time to think about What I could have done to stop them And surely Never in enough time to act on Whatever it was I could have done. 10. Even though everything happened so fast − And it was highly unlikely That I could have done anything − It was not an excuse That my conscience would accept To mitigate the guilt I heaped upon myself Thinking that I possibly could have Or should have done something. I couldn’t shake the feeling That I could have done something For why was it That I was picked out to see all these things Just a little bit ahead of time − In that instantaneous flash of time Just before they happened?

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11. I tortured over every question That I posed to myself: Why did I have this insight?And what was I supposed to do with it? I also tortured over a million “if onlys”: If only I had the power to stop time. If only I had the power To lengthen that initial hesitation in the trenches I might have been able to trip up Time and Fate As they ran towards each other By just enough To have thwarted their projected intersections. 12. If only I could have Nudged them off their collision courses. If only I could have Stepped between their deadly rendezvous And prevented the carnage That I foresaw was about to happen. If only I knew how to use The advanced knowledge I had I might have been able to save those poor young men From their young, ugly, and unnecessary deaths − And me from the guilt and regret That I’ll have to live with For the rest of my life.

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13. Why couldn’t I have come up with a plan And prevented the whole thing from happening? Why couldn’t I have done something When I first saw that slight hesitation? Why couldn’t I have figured out something to do? Was that perhaps what God – If He was involved at all − Expected me to do? − To figure out something From all the premonitions He gave me? Or was He just setting me up in some cruel game Where the stakes were as steep as Life and Death itself? Are these the kinds of games God plays with us? 14. Will I ever be able to walk in the sun Or will I always have to slink among the shadows? Will I ever be able to lift my head up high Or will it always be bowed in guilt? Will I ever be able to look at anyone Straight in the eye Without blinking?

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15. Oh God, if you do in fact exist Please put me in Either your Heaven or your Hell − One or the other − And get me out of this crucifying Limbo Where I’m so racked with doubt As to what I could have Or was supposed to have done And so burdened with the guilt That maybe I could have done something But didn’t. *****

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y That Skinny Wall-Flower Tree (The Survivor) 12-7-2011 Now a lonely survivor. _____ 1. Oh you young and healthy tree Standing there bold and proud With your thousands of big and little branches Sticking out like the arms and fingers Of some mythical Hindu god All full with a billion healthy leaves Like the plumage of some strutting peacock. 2. And look at that skinny and anemic tree Standing there next to you With nothing to flaunt like you have to flaunt − No branches bristling with new shoots − No leaves chattering in the wind But rather, only a barren skeleton like thing − Mute and always in the background Like a shy, reclusive knocked-kneed wallflower Who’ll never be asked to dance Or ever be the center of anyone’s attention And who’ll always have to suffer The taunts and jokes That you and others decide to play on it.

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3. But as you play with the Wind So carefree and carelessly − Swaying back and forth And trusting in its innocence − You play with Death For there’ll come a time When the Wind will fold its invisible fingers Around your full and leafy boughs And take you down With a frightening fateful crack and thud That you’ll never see coming. And that fatal crack and breaking sound That will echo through the forest like a rifle shot Will both announce your violent death And warn the others to beware. 4. And now That boring, skinny, half-dead wall-flower tree Who never flaunted anything – Who never attracted attention to itself Or played “chicken” with the Wind like you did Remains standing as a survivor − Surprised that it survived But then again Not so surprised at all For it never tempted Fate like you did.

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5. But now Even though it has survived It wonders if it’s better or worse off For although it knows that you − Its audacious and boastful neighbor is gone And there’s no need for it to envy you anymore Or to worry about your bullying and belittlements − It also ironically knows That with your demise It’s now alone And more frightened Than ever before. *****

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y A Conversation At A Gravesite (Better Late Than Never) 12-19-2011 Things he should have said before. _____ 1. By the time he arrived at the gravesite It was already Dusk And the gloomiest time of the day. He had tried to get there earlier â&#x2C6;&#x2019; While the sun was higher And the air was warmer â&#x2C6;&#x2019; But he got caught in traffic. 2. It was getting dark now And much colder And everything was turning damp and gray Which began to weigh upon his mood.

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3. When the evening came And the little light that was left Had almost completely faded away It began to drizzle, making it even colder Which tempted him to turn around And go back home And put his visit off to another day Just like heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d done so many times before. But no, he had to brave it out this time. He had see it through. And besides He was already there. No, he had to have that conversation â&#x2C6;&#x2019; The one that was already So long overdue. 4. Shaking off the cold And trying to keep his anxiety From all but overwhelming him He stood there With his head bowed down In front of that remnant mound of earth and grass That he knew Would slowly sink away in time.

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5. Then, wiping away a salty tear That had chilled upon his cheek He began to speak, “I’m sorry dear, for all I was But more so for all I wasn’t; For all I said But more so for all I didn’t say; And for all the times I didn’t give in to you When I should have; And for never standing up for you When you wanted and needed me to.” 6. “I know it’s all too little And all too late now − Now that you’re gone But I’m hoping that maybe – Just maybe − You can hear me From wherever you are And that maybe − Just maybe − You’ll forgive me for my failings.”

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7. “But even if you can’t hear me Or aren’t listening I have to offer you my apologies anyway Not only because I owe it to you But also because I want to get it off my chest For whatever good it may do For either one, or both of us. I’m hoping now In this cold, damp, and black night air As the wind bites my face And the icy rain drips down my neck That my belated efforts to reach you Are at least worth a try.” 8. “Having failed to take advantage Of all the chances I had in the past Here I am now In this cold and open confessional Asking for your forgiveness And in the same breath Asking both the Devil and God To administer whatever punishment They think I deserve.”

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9. “I’m trying hard to make myself believe That you can hear me And that I hear your voice Accepting my apologies And that it’s not just me And my over-reaching imagination Putting words in your mouth Or just hearing what I want to hear.” 10. “I’m trying hard, my dear And hoping beyond hope That you’ll accept my apologies and contrition And find a way to somehow forgive me For all I did But more so For all I didn’t do. I’m hoping that even though you’re gone And everything I say is so very late in coming That it’s at least worth a try − And better late than never.” *****

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Life And Death − Please Stop Your Fighting 3-21-2001 Pleading with Life and Death to make up their minds. _____ 1. To Death: “Oh Death, I know you have your eye on me And want me badly. But that’s OK, because you can’t scare me like before For I’m not afraid of dying like I used to be − In fact, I’m resolved to it So go ahead and take me if you like.” 2. To Life: “And dear Life, I know you want me too And have done a great job In protecting me for all these years And especially for keeping Death at bay For as long as you have, in these my final hours. And, while I appreciate all you’ve done And would of course like to live as long as I can, There’s really no need for you to put in Any extraordinary effort If there’s little benefit to gain.”

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3. To Both: “But that being said Please dear Life and Death You’ve got to come to some mutual agreement And not keep holding me hostage With your constant bickering. You must agree between yourselves Which one of you will have me And settle your tug of war Once and for all. You’ve got to decide who will give in − One or the other?” 4. To Both: “Oh Life and Death I ask you kindly to stop your fighting And tugging on my limbs in opposite directions For honestly I can go either way. So one of you please Draw the winning straw And break the tie and take me − One or the other!” *****

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The Memory Of A Cold Winter’s Night 10-31-1998 Remembering his last chance for a doomed love. _____ 1. He often thinks of her On that very cold Winter’s night When he was staring out of the window Of the little room they took Looking over a field of snow With the moonlight Painted on its glazed and frozen crust. 2. His breath was fogging up the window As he stared out empty-eyed and expressionless For lack of any hope for them. 3. He had a hurting in his heart That he had always felt with her Knowing that they’d always be in love But sadly never be together.

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4. The darkness and the weight of knowing That soon she would be gone Raced in all directions in his heart. Over and over he asked himself, â&#x20AC;&#x153;How could he make things different? What could he do to make things work?â&#x20AC;? But nothing came to him For he was running in that same old circle And now, with only this night left to him He was also running out of time. 5. Every desperate thought he had Became the entrance To an all-too-familiar maze That just lead to another dead-end. And with every thought he had Came another heartbreak. 6. And when he turned and looked at Hope For some encouragement He had to turn away For he could see That she had nothing to offer him And that everything Was about to end for them that night.

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7. He remembered everything About that night − Both sad and beautiful. For that was the night That the deepest love he’d ever known Had wrapped itself around his breaking heart And wouldn’t let go. 8. Everything about that night Was all so sad and hopeless And a painful lesson In what life and hopeless love Was all about. 9. That’s how things were On that most beautiful Yet saddest night of all And that’s how they remained And where he learned That love and heartbreak Always come together. *****

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y Not So Distant Lay A Fear 7-1-1963 Hoping a new breath of self-confidence might be a lasting one. (The modified rhyme scheme is similar to that of “The Chambered Nautilus” by Oliver Wendell Holmes.) _____ 1. Not so distant in the Past lay a heavy Fear So strong that it could almost sheer My very heart apart and stop its beating And deprive it of whatever hope it had, however fleeting. But thankfully its painful control of me has lately been retreating. But even though it’s weakened, it still claims My freedom and keeps me shackled in its chains. 2. How well do I recall my past oppressions − Those deep and feared obsessions That plagued my struggling soul And foiled whatever chances I had for any peaceful hold On life. “Why”, I ask myself, “Why can’t my will muster up something bold Enough to fight it and throw off these heavy chains? Why can’t I extract this viper’s venom from my veins?”

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3. My mind would crush any favorable thought I ever had of me By bringing up most pointedly All my weaknesses and sensitivities From the dark sunless pits and cavities Within me, where all my real and imagined fears and proclivities Would conspire to make cruel and self-critical comparisons Where I’d lose every comparison I made to anyone and everyone. 4. Self-confidence was my Achilles heel And made me feel That everyone else was so much better Than me, and that I was the outcast and consummate regretter − Regretting everything I did for I could see no better Of myself, and discounted all my positive attributes down to nil For I’ve always had a yawning emptiness in me that I needed to fill. 5. My heart and mind were always presenting damning appearances And creating pessimistic interferences Against any hope that might be up ahead for me. I was always a little depressed, for little comfort in life did I see. Sometimes I didn’t even want to raise my eyes, for so frequently I’d be confronted with someone’s disapproving glare Or someone’s hard intrusive stare.

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6. My eyes always had in them a kind of guilty look. I felt that I was just a vulnerable open book That seemed to invite all those tempered lances And all those long, deep, and exaggerated glances That in turn thwarted all my chances For any peace of mind and would forever put me at a loss to know Just who I was and which direction I should go. 7. But this day – Today – I have somewhat arisen From my sullen prison And quaffed a rare and seldom respite that I now own. Now, after so many depressions, do I finally hear a tone That’s telling me that I can stand up straight and alone? 8. Am I finally finding Freedom from my bindings And from the hex of my poor Past? *****

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y Cursed Souls Crying (On Sharon?) 11-13-1962 Feelings about a love lost, perhaps Sharon’s. _____ 1. While the last embers burn away the night I sit here sullen in bottomless remorse Over the long and overwhelming might Of her sorrowed loss. 2. I resign myself to the helpless state I’m in − Resigned to just live on as a soul without purpose or result − As a blank coin where neither heads or tails will win − Or as a cursed soul in Limbo crying out and lost in a futile revolt. 3. The heavy weight of knowing she is gone Presses hard upon my heart so sore and bare. And as her memory lingers on Its weight is sometimes more than I can bear. *****

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y Let Me Rest In Peace 6-13-2004 Reconciling after his death. _____ 1. I remember how your eyes Had hypnotized me And how your hands Fit so naturally into mine. I also remember How I held your tiny body so close to mine That it seemed to almost become a part of me. But sadly nothing came of it For you and I were never meant to be. 2. Since I could never have you in my life I can only hope That when I die youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll visit where I lay And drop a flower and a tear upon my grave To show me That youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d finally come to realize and regret The love that you allowed to die.

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3. And when you look upon The blanket of earth that’s covering me Look deep down and underneath that grassy mound And you will see me looking up at you Into your worn and wrinkled face For I’ve been waiting for this day. 4. And if you look real close You’ll see the tears that stain my face − The tears of joy so long overdue For knowing that you finally appreciate The love we could have had. 5. And if you continue looking You’ll also see the tears of sorrow For knowing that it’s sadly Come all too late. 6. But with your long-awaited visit To my final resting place And the tear and silent kiss you leave As your confession and contrition I can reconcile myself And finally rest in peace. *****

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y If Only You And I 6-14-2004 Reminiscing about a failed relationship. _____ 1. If only you were stronger And not such a delicate flower. If only you were a woman And not the fragile little girl you are. If only you could have put my mind at ease Instead of just the opposite. 2. If only I hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seen your face And shown you my heart That made it so easy For you to steal it from me. If only I could keep you off my mind And not have your memory visit me On so many nights. If only I could stop pining Over a love That wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t meant to be.

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3. If only you and I and everything Had been just a little different. If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us. 4. So it is and so it shall remain for me Trapped inside this world Of so many sad “if onlys.” 5. If only Fate had smiled Instead of frowned on us − If only...if only. *****

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y Moonlight On A Field Of Snow 3-6-2003 The majestic effect of moonlight on the snow. _____ 1. Moonlight on a field of snow. I’ve never felt such majesty − Such mystery − Such wonder − As when there’s moonlight on the snow. 2. What a magic tide of light − What a milky white and gentle glow When there’s moonlight on the snow. 3. I am its humble and adoring servant And genuflect in reverence and respect Whenever I’m in the soft and regal presence Of moonlight on the snow. *****

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y Fog Night 8-11-1960 Fog adds mystery and fear to the night especially for unbelievers. _____ 1. A weighty fog hangs low upon the city at large And the air is filled with a constant barrage Of drizzle, whose coldness will continue to pour As the blackening night matures. 2. Oh, where are the stars that once were so pin-point bright? The fog has caught them in its gossamer web tonight And holds them in dull and blurry display Waiting for the night-stalking spider to have them as its prey. 3. The cityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s former crystal clarity has been lost And replaced by a misty veil of fog that has endorsed The eerie spirits of the night and encouraged them to induce All manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fears and worries that they see fit to introduce. 4. In the fog, the clamor and noise on these simmering streets Are louder than ever in their rhythmic beats And freeze your heart with a dull and unsettling remorse With every step you take on your dark and frightful course.

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5. What are those echoes that you hear?! Are they just footsteps?! Or are they the sounds rising up from deep and hellish depths Aimed at playing upon your nerves, your mind, and your soul And make you feel so lonely and so awfully cold? 6. Look! Somethingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s moving! Oh, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only a shadow up ahead. Were you expecting something more ominous instead? Why do you quiver at the thought of death? And why do you think that the next might be your final breath? 7. As the rain drops slowly pass through the misty city lights They look like crystal hail in their lonesome downward flights. Down, down, down, they all eventually fall Beckoned by some ancient and mysterious call. 8. Colors, once soft and warm, are now seduced By some sinister authority and reduced To a shapeless, insipid and mournful glow That frightfully reflects a horrid Hell we think exists below. 9. The chill of the night continues to steal slowly in Raising up dreadful fears and worries again and again. Oh Lord, will there ever be any relief From the paralyzing fears of those who have no belief? *****

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y We Might Have Gone To Heaven (To Sharon) 12-8-1962 A missed opportunity with Sharon. (Written as I waited for Sharon to get off work at the telephone company at Ave. Y and Coney Island Ave. in Brooklyn.) _____ 1. Death now seems so far from here − So need we fret or need we fear? Yes! For it’s coming shortly into view − Coming for me and coming for you. 2. Let’s try and hold back the sorrows that will unroll Caused by our black and wicked souls That beat us raw and salt our wounds And cast us into our early tombs. 3. Death impatiently awaits To snatch us from our earthly states And whisk us off at breakneck speed − And to where? − To where our acts do lead us.

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4. I can see why you’re frightened so − It’s because you’re not so sure as to where you’ll go. But now it’s all too late to ask for any help from me For many times before I had offered you my help But you rejected it so callous and off-handily. 5. Had you accepted my love we could have gone to Heaven And lived happily ever after, just the two of us together. You could have saved us from this odious place But you didn’t, and so now we’re here in Hell, face to face. 6. With all our chances now long past Our fate is permanently cast – A fate that I tried so hard to avoid With the offer of my love, but that you ignored. *****

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y The Haunted House 10-26-1960 Four tragic spirits haunt this house. _____ 1. Four gruesome deaths befell this house one day − Three murders and a suicide whose images would forever stay. The house is now possessed from window to door By those who died and who now reign inside its haunted store. 2. Dust lay thick all throughout the house. The floors are weak and can hardly bear the weight of a mouse. And the dusty mirrors that are scattered everywhere Reflect past horrors that are hard to bear. 3. The winds blow swiftly through all the broken window panes And the lost lives of his family that this man had claimed All cry out with the hell-filled songs of their brutal deaths From the attic’s height to the cellar’s depth. 4. Eerie shadows shrink and swell And all the corners have the dirty smell Of vermin that live behind the walls And bustle in their filthy little hidden stalls.

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5. The house is in shambles and fit for none Except for all those ghostly ones Who dwell about its horrid ruins − The ones who he sent sadly to their early tombs. 6. Before all the present dust had accumulated, there lived A lovely family of four, each of whom had an equal bid On life and love In that stately house on the hill above. 7. Even while his wife and children were Dining with him, that wicked cur Was planning their murders thrice Coaxed on by the Devil’s evil and foul advice. 8. The first to die was his wife, on that brutal night, Who he cruelly poisoned. Oh what a gruesome sight It was, for she died slowly, all cramped up with pain Never suspecting her husband’s plan insane. 9. Then, to the eldest daughter of his two children He turned next and savagely bludgeoned. What was it that was inside his sick demented head? She lived and laughed but now she’s horribly dead.

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10. Then by a long silk scarf his second and youngest daughter died. In a desperate but feeble attempt she screamed and tried To get away, but to no avail, for all her cries he quickly muffled Until she, like the other two was also murdered. 11. Now he was alone in a sad dead-silent domain Haunted on each and every physical and ghostly plane By the screams and moans of those no longer there Which in time became all too much for him to bear. 12. “Go away!”, he panted with sweat pouring down His brow that was all contorted with horrid frowns Etched there by the memories of his hideous deeds And the ghosts of his victims and their final anguished pleas. 13. No other thoughts but those of self-destruction Now occupied his head for they were the mad instructions Of guilt that now began unfolding − “You must now join them!”, was his scolding. 14. He looked to his own death now to relieve his despondent state And began preparing a noose and could hardly wait. His own suicide could no longer be restrained For he was determined to rejoin his family once again.

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15. Then he hung himself as his turn had finally come And all the tragedies of that old house were now completely done. Not one of them was now left alive And so no one further was doomed to die. 16. And just as he had planned, they were once again all together In that old house where theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d all now live forever. To him, the house and family were exactly the same Except that now, it was only their airy spirits that reigned. *****

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y Only Thinking Makes It So 12-10-1962 Right and wrong exist but only in the conscious mind. (This title comes from a line in Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.”) _____ “What is right? And what is wrong?” These are the questions we forever tow. Only in our conscious and troubled minds Can such questions be born and grow For nothing’s either right or wrong − As only thinking makes it so. *****

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y The Beauty Of A Fallen Snow (To A Neighbor, Al Capone) 12-16-1962 The love of winter and a beautiful snow. (Al Capone was an older Brooklyn neighbor who I occasionally talked with about music, religion, philosophy and other topics.) _____ 1. I looked up into the Sky as I never had before And thought about the massive power that Nature keeps in store And that can easily be unleashed in one felt massive blow Upon our poor and helpless Earth below. 2. Its brutal force can at any time be released For there’s no treaty between man and Nature to be breached So it’s free to rant and rave in any way and any where Even to the extent that no man or structure would be spared. 3. Devastation can so easily come And keep us, each and every one, In paralyzing fear. But we mustn’t always keep this weight upon Our souls, but rather look for better things beyond.

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4. Nature’s not only something to be feared For included in it, is the dear And lovely Summer Rain whose silver drops often roll So sweetly down my face during my frequent midnight strolls. 5. And also there is the rolling Fog beneath my feet And the yellow glow of Luna’s nightly treat And the whispering Wind’s melodic croon All of which excite my thoughts to their fullest bloom. 6. And against the Sun, the Clouds are there To spare me from its sharp intrusive glare. And after Summer’s baking heat I welcome Winter’s cold reprieve when once again we meet. 7. Winter is to me a special gift of Nature With its air so crisp and pure. And with its arrival, it fills up my waiting Soul With all the wonders that it does hold. 8. And best of all of Winter’s promised fate For which my hopeful Heart does patiently await Is the surprise and candid arrival of a lovely Snow Falling freely, soft and gliding slow.

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9. Oh that lovely Snow of glistening flakes that descend and float And blanket everything within its scope Adorning everything that an appreciating eye can see − Houses, sidewalks, bushes, lawns and trees. 10. Like Souls set free The icy Snowflakes land randomly Wherever they choose to fall Minding only the Winter Wind’s driving call. 11. They are the honored guests at this year’s Winter’s Gala Ball And gaily banter here and there in Winter’s Hall − That cold, cold space between the Earth and the Sky − And where across its ballroom floor they’ll gracefully fly. 12. And when the Snow has fallen in adequate release Its arctic beauty eases my worries and gives me a sense of peace. And oh what excitement comes as the Snow all flies And what glory it bestows on every place it finally comes to lie. 13. When the Snow has stopped and lays heaped up clean and calm All the land becomes as quiet as a softly spoken psalm And where it will anxiously await the blessing of the Night When the lovely Moon will crown it with its soft angelic light.

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14. Oh this Heaven-bred and lovely site Releases all the chains that are normally so tightly Wrapped around my burdened heart Which it all too often is forced to cart. 15. My personal view is all that I can give But one that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll keep so long as I shall live That the Snow for me will always ease my worries and my fears And Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll welcome its presence, whenever it appears. *****

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I Know The Truth About Her But My Heart Won’t Listen (Sadness Has Me Caught) (To Sharon) 2-23-1963 Preferring to remain in a painful dream. _____ 1. In these darkest hours towards the end of Night Is when the most painful thoughts of her are all reborn. It’s in these hours when I most have to fight Her scourging image just before the Dawn. 2. I’m always happy when I see her face − Yet a small tear refutes this little lie That I need to make to reinforce and brace My broken heart so as not to cry. 3. A consoling soul she’ll never be for me For her nature isn’t cut that way it seems. But yet strangely in my dreams, she’s still the angel that I see. Too much to dream, you ask? Never too much for love to dream!

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4. While I lay here silent and numb I know she hardly ever had a caring thought for me But yet her face is all that I can see And so to empty dreams of her I sadly still succumb. 5. Whatever share of love I ever got from her was never very fair For I gave too much to her compared to what I received Which was only a fleeting bit of love as light as air But just enough to make my pining soul hang on with no reprieve. 6. All the bad things that I knew about her didn’t register in me − For I wouldn’t let them! So no effort did I make To correct my thinking and untie the knot that would one day free Whatever was binding hope and love from their escape. 7. The reasons for my love for her no logic can I find And as foolish as the case may be It seems I’ll forever grapple with this painful kind Of dilemma and never get myself completely free. 8. About us, I know the painful truth But my heart won’t listen or care to face it For my desirous ambition for her ageless youth Always makes my judgment slacken and force a fit.

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9. I don’t suspect that she’ll ever have a single thought for me Unless it was aroused by some selfish theme. But still, I long to have her and plead To keep her, even if only in my dreams. 10. The ancient moon of crescent white Knows no burden of a careless thought And kindly offers hope to help soften any lover’s painful plight − But there’s none of that for me tonight, for sadness has me caught. 11. Long and deep will her image pain My empty, wounded and despondent heart As will this constant and lingering hurt remain For it seems I’ll always love her, as I’ve loved her from the start. *****

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y I Look To This Maiden Fair (To Judy) 6-25-1963 Judy Theobald was a neighborhood girlfriend of mine who I often debated about taking it to a more serious level. _____ 1. I’m looking out the window of my room And into the night where I see the scattered squares Of yellow lighted windows randomly strewn About, looking just like paper lanterns suspended in the air. 2. She’s asleep, two blocks away from here – Here, where I wrestle with my plight − Here, where like a candle, burns my table lamp Long into this dark, dark night. She’s unaware of the turnings in my head during this ebony watch And of my hopes that maybe I’d be able to accept her love If only I could settle all the internal doubts I have to fight. I’m always looking for that invisible mystic ring of love That my heart has always strained so hard to catch.

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3. Somewhere in the distant hazy mind of mine her figure moves â&#x2C6;&#x2019; But is it towards or away from me? The haze eludes. My vigil has a hopeful purpose: to possibly relieve the fears I bear About accepting the heart and hand of this dear maiden fair Who lives just down the street, so close, and yet so far. *****

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y The Very Mention Of Her Name (On Sharon?) 5-15-1963 Mixed emotions about a lost love, probably Sharon again. _____ 1. The cityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s precincts are always dressed in morbid gray Which color doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ever seem to wane And is always stirring up in me a heavy somber mood And lately of more frequent fame. 2. What causes this is the tragedy of a love that has fallen apart Where love and hurt are always looking for each other to blame? But whatever the cause, I now suffer a piecing pain in my heart At the very mention of her name? *****

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y Oversensitivity 12-18-1962 I often feel I’m too sensitive about life compared to others. (Written on the front porch of my house in Brooklyn where I did a lot of my thinking and writing.) _____ 1. There are many times when I become convinced That my nature’s very different From those who are of a bolder and more hardened race And on whose heels I follow at an envious and awkward pace. 2. Compared to others a painful contrast lies Which can be seen by merely looking into my eyes Which will reveal a constant oversensitivity To things that others take in stride and not nearly so heavily. 3. Is it just my imagination wild at play? Or is my sensitivity all too real? It’s often hard to say. But whatever it is, or its cause It feeds the symptoms of this painful flaw In me – this sometimes debilitating Oversensitivity. *****

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I Dream I’m On An Ancient Ship 2-3-1963 Imagining an adventure on an old time wooden ship. _____ 1. I dream I’m on an ancient sailing ship Made of wood and rope and canvas sail Sailing far away off shore. I stand upon the deck of this grand and majestic ship And with every salty breeze, I inhale As much of this sea-born air as my lungs can store. 2. Each plank and seam of wood creaks As the ship confronts each wave All of which is aimed at testing the vessel’s every seam. And as every sailor knows on any wooded ship of oak and teak Is to never disrespect the sea, for its heavy foamy mass Can easily crack and break even the strongest of beams. 3. But as I stand in its sway and rise I become an intimate part of this ancient wood and water world − A magic world with a tremoring surface − A simple world with nothing hidden or disguised. Clean and pure to the horizon, the sea unfurls Before me with its never-changing, but yet ever-changing face.

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4. This breathing, living vital organ â&#x2C6;&#x2019; this mighty sea â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Pumps my heart and stirs my mind And my soul is taken hold of And for the first time I feel that I am truly free! Oh how I hope and pray someday, that I will find Myself, sailing on an ancient wooden ship far, far out at sea! 5. In my mind I can hear the clamor of the men at work; The sound of sea-chants that all sailors learn; The feel of the creaking wooden roll; The call of the gull as she flirts With the wind. Oh, how I yearn To have my dream come true and have it fill my soul! Oh to sail upon an ancient wooden ship, far, far out at sea! *****

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y Only In The Mind Of Man 10-30-1960 Perfection does not exist except in the mind. _____ 1. Where only clear and pristine rivers flow, Where mountains forever wear their crowns of brilliant snow, Where the skies are always clear and blue, And where love never dies and remains forever true. 2. Where the grass is green and not one strip of brown does show, Where both queens and maids have their equal choices of beaus, Where love everlastingly flows, Where “yes” means “yes”, and “no” means “no”, Where farmers always reap the fullest harvest from what they sow. 3. Where even the slightest blemish will not show, Where the seeds of hate and corruption are never sown, And where time will stop to relieve a heart’s burdening woes − Only in the mind of man can such perfection ever live and grow. *****

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y Contemplation On A Recent Death (Conscience) 2-12-1963 Thoughts about conscience prompted by a recent death. _____ 1. I contemplated on a recent Death: The stiffness of the body’s form, The absence of what was once alive and warm, And the life that had preceded its final breath. 2. I also thought about the conscious mind That was inside of him and used to be alive And how it probably had to fight its opposing unconscious mind For the direction and the strength that it needed to survive. 3. A sensitive and thinking man is the man who toils Over what is right and wrong and what is good and bad And also over what should make him happy or make him sad. Oh how the snake of conscience so often chokes us in its coils. 4. The possibility of God and judgment creates a fear − The fear of consequences − Which in turn creates our consciences Which keep us to the rules, mostly out of guilt and fear.

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5. Intelligence demands responsibility And conscience welds the two. Conscience also makes us balance Passion, duty and ability. 6. The base and ignorant however, are not so plagued and frightened And go on blissfully free of conscience and all its breeding woes That keep the rest of us tightly in tow. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s conscience that keeps us up at night And sets upon us all the restless demons that we know. *****

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y To An Old Woman 11-1-1960 A missing son returns to his skeptical mother. _____ 1. Man: Oh mother dear, why have you no smile Upon your face so full and stressed with time? Don’t you know that I have traveled so many miles To come back to you and give you your peace of mind? 2. Old Woman: Dear boy, why do you call me mother in your appeals For your face to me is not at all recognizably plain? Though my eyes are keenly peeled I only see you as some stranger talking half insane. 3. Man: Mother, I’m your only son who has returned and whose only aim Is to bring to you your peace of mind By relieving your heart of the heavy chains Of your lost son’s memory that I now have come home to release.

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4. Old Woman: Crazy talk! You’re not the son of mine I see For my son, I’ve been told, has been devoured By the ravages of a vicious storm at sea And by which news my heart’s been so fully soured! 5. Man: No, I was saved from the sea, so mother dear Look deep and hard Into my eyes all filled with tears And you will see me! Look! Look very hard! 6. Old Woman: I can’t see things all that well these days so I’m not so sure Of anything, for at my age this world is full of baffling mysteries. So go away and leave me be for I don’t want to see you anymore Or listen to your crazy and confusing pleas! 7. Man: Mother dear, don’t waiver now For I know you’re close to recognizing me as I can see the signs Upon your wrinkled and doubting brow That your heart is finally, slowly opening to mine.

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8. Old Woman: My son! My son! Now I can see you there And see what my deep despair and pain had heretofore ignored! Please stay with me until the damage of the past has been repaired And whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been emptied by your absence is fully restored! 9. Man: Oh mother dear, as a migrating bird returns to its original nest I have returned to you to give you all my love and comfort And to ease your mind, heart and soul distressed So that to unanswered prayers youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll never again have to resort. *****

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y The Beginning Of Eternity 11-2-1960 Destined to go with Satan instead of God. _____ 1. I died last week without uttering a single cry Nor even a final sigh. “He died so young and so quickly passed away”, Is what I heard my friends and family say. 2. They buried me a few days ago In a simple coffin nicely varnished and polished for show − Such a waste it was I thought of fine young wood Just to decay as my body eventually would. 3. This body of mine I no longer need And gladly give it up to all the insect breeds Who will devour me until my soul is all that’s left of me As it waits for Heaven to finally see. 4. I hear the sounds of all those crawling creatures who now all vie To eat me up so as to keep themselves alive. And as I lay here in the earth’s cold clay I know that except for my soul I’ll be their easy prey.

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5. They squirm around upon their white, slimy and legless bellies Tunneling through their dungeon-dark maze of alleys − Crawling, burrowing and boldly inching near Salivating for my flesh as my body and soul lie helplessly here. 6. And even before my soul’s departed to its eternity Those horrid, blind and mindless insect beasts will feast on me. Ha! It won’t matter none, for my soul will later be whisked away To that golden place that He has chosen for me to stay. 7. While I’m waiting here alone I might as well review my past and what I’ve done. I might as well rehearse the lines that I will tell my Master When He reviews my life and I’m called to justify my past. 8. I thought and thought, but nothing much to me did come About any good things that I had done. Nothing came to me − nothing enough worthwhile To offset all the bad things that I found in my blackish file. 9. Every inch of my memory I did explore But only found the things I know that He’d deplore. How then can I face Him when He finally comes? What can I tell Him that He won’t shun?

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10. “I’ll tell Him some lies”, thinking that that might get me through Those Heavenly Gates designed to host only the worthy few! “No! I can’t tell Him any lies! For He knows everything about me And that my earthly life was mostly vile and petty.” 11. What is it then that I might say to save my blackened soul? − To save me from burning in those Hellish molten coals? I tried and tried to think but nothing came To me that would help undo or mitigate any of my sins and shame. 12. In my life I squandered away all my precious chances To compensate for all the evil I have done. So now I have no answers Or excuses, and sadly know that what will follow my short wait Will be Hell’s burning pit rather than Heaven’s pearly Gates. 13. So instead of God, Satan’s coming for my soul to take And I can hear His heavy footsteps and feel them shake The very earth that holds my coffin here in place While I wait in august fear to finally meet Him face to face! 14. The Lord is merciful but He won’t be for me For I hadn’t lived the life or been the person He wanted me to be. So sad I am this day for it’ll be only Satan who I’ll forever know. And now I hear, Satan’s thunderous voice commanding me, “Come now! It’s time for us to go!” *****

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y The Morn 11-5-1960 Morning is the best time for hope. _____ With every soft approach of Morn A light veneer of hope is imbued in me That kindly moves: To lighten all my living burdens as well as those unborn; To help me avert the things that I so much do scorn; To strip away the heavy thoughts that I’ve so often worn And move me towards happier ones with a soul reborn; And to help me heal myself whenever I’m hurt and torn. Oh, what better messenger of these hopeful things than Dawn? And what better time, than when Hope is at its virgin highest − And when my mind can best pursue Or ask for Hope to fill an empty heart − Than at the advent of the Morn? *****

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y The Gas Closed In (On A Friend’s Suicide) 10-22-1962 The death of my friend “Jake” Nutting in a Brooklyn garage. _____ 1. The constant noise of the motor’s hum Foretold of the poisonous gas that would gradually come And fill his garage and choke to death his solitary soul within. Was it an accident, something done on purpose or a murderous sin? 2. Whether he was aware of it − or unaware − Either way, the poisonous gas filled the air And patiently prepared itself to do him in By having a slow and subtle sleepiness come over him. 3. In a startled daze, we guessed, he suddenly realized his plight And stumbled for the door in august fright. But Death had already made its deal with Fate So useless were all of his efforts to escape.

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4. And as the gas closed in, his lungs did slowly fill Aimed at making its final kill. Then, with one last gasping breath, fast and deep Death and Fateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s vile contract, was made final and complete. *****

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y The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree 11-25-1962 Contemplating the maple tree that was in front of our house in Brooklyn. _____ As I sit on the porch in the cold, cold chill of night I watch the gnarled and crooked arms and fingers of a winter tree Eerily reaching into the sky of freezing ambient light With a purpose not to question anything, but only just to be. *****

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y Still A Faint Contentment Beats 2-24-163 Finding contentment where you can. _____ 1. Thank god for all the city’s trees that hold their noble postures Soldier-like against the nimbus sky. These loyal and distinguished battle-tested soldiers all have my Deepest respect for their bravery and their august statures. 2. In the city, only specks of life exist – no woods or rolling lawns − No lakes, no mountains, no open sky. Life can’t ever flourish here and what little does can easily die For here in the city, Nature’s rare offspring often come still-born. 3. But even in the face of Nature’s stark assaults and hard defeats I hold on to a precious subtle peace For in my heart a faint contentment beats Just because I’m in the noble company of these stately trees. *****

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y Vanishing At Dusk (Night’s Arrival) 7-2-1963 The gift of Night introduced by Dusk. _____ 1. The Day is slowly yielding to the persistent Dusk Ceding all its brilliance to her call. With Dusk now invading, All the former glory of the Day is fading. The Day has seen the height of her reign and the start of her fall And is slowly abdicating to the succeeding Dusk Whose colors are becoming more subtle and vague in their hues Obscuring any clarity of view. Oh this dual personality and schizophrenic substance called Dusk Where both Day and Night remain stubbornly installed. 2. Whatever harmony there was at Dusk, between Day and Night Soon concedes to Night − that plotting Sovereign Who secretly embezzles Dusk of all its former striking hues Until there’s not a drop of light or color left to view. As Dusk begins to lose, Night begins to win. The time has come for Dusk to fail And Ebony’s swarthy bosom to prevail For nothing can stop the inevitability of Night. Nothing can stop its slow but persistent transgression.

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3. The once-hot winds of Day now congregate In the sanctuary of the trees Enjoying, from the blazing Sun, the respite Given them by the sacrament of Night. And in the hallowed chambers of the trees, the leaves All calmly engage in their never-ending nightly debates. Their rustling voices are all the ear will meet As they chant with their ghostly gossamer beats. Such a contrast to the Day’s clear and open state Where secrets can never be told, but rather must wait For Night and whispered to Her in confidence in its gentle breeze. 4. Oh Night, you conjure up scary images in monstrous proportions In our minds, taking cruel advantage of our lack of sight. But you also shelter us from the unpleasant sights of Day And protect us from Vision’s sharp and venomous teeth That bite us with reality and kill all our hopeful fortunes. And for this we thank you, Night − thank you for that kind relief. And Night, we also thank you for bringing to our ears The harmonies of all the sounds and voices in full array Of a million caroling insects that are so much more exciting In your ebony setting than they ever could be arranged by Day. And finally Night, we thank you for arranging these nightly choirs To begin their glorious symphonies the very moment you arrive. *****

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y An Easy Take And Killing 11-11-1962 A murder during a home burglary gone bad. _____ 1. An old man lay down to sleep While under a nearby street light Two surly crooks did meet To plan their evil for the night. 2. The perpetrators were trying to concur As to how the old man’s riches they could steal. “An easy take”, one said, to tempt and stir The other one on with the simplicity of the deal. 3. As they entered his house not a word was spoken So as not to waken him. But accidentally, they broke A little window vase as they went in.

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4. The old man woke and sat up in rigid fear Then climbed out of his bed to look around While the intruders stood still and ever so near Waiting and listening for the old man’s approaching sound. 5. And when the old man engaged the intruders in the parlor He was met with an ugly and crushing blow Which felled him to the floor − Oh how the blood from out of his head did flow. 6. Gripped with fear they both took flight And ran and ran so fast And were quickly absorbed by the streets and the asylum of night While the old man squirmed in pain as he breathed his last. 7. So fast and easy did it come − The death of this poor one. An “easy take” gone bad, by these callous and ugly two, so bent On stealing from this old and harmless innocent. *****

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y Dawn Breaks Away From Night 6-3-1963 Continuous escape and recapture. _____ 1. With the advent of the Dawn The Day finally breaks away from Night And bursts its sudden glow Upon the waiting world. Once again, it had escaped from that ebony Charlatan of Night Who held her captive, as well as the whole world too, In its sleep of paralyzing darkness. 2. But never can the lovely Day Enjoy her freedom to any great degree For Night begins to stalk her from the very moment she is free So that by the time Dusk arrives, sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so exhausted that she Hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t got the strength anymore to flee And so once again she becomes the sad prisoner of Night. Oh sorry is the plight Of Day, to always be stalked by Night, so incessantly. *****

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y The Words Of A Dying Man 7-8-1963 A truth-seeker queries a dying sage. _____ 1. An old man lay dying in his bed With his skin all pale and dry upon his furrowed head. The imminence of Death was evident, for there In his eyes, was only a blank-eyed stare. 2. For his entire life this room had been his only place of rest As its dismal state did so attest With all his life’s possessions piled up and strewn around. And within the quiet, you could hear his laborious breathing sounds. 3. Beside him sat a figure dressed in dire garb In witness to his Heart’s faint and weakening throbs. As the old man spoke his voice did often break And his bony and sinewy fingers all did shake. 4. His pale blue orbs had to them, a glass-like stare As his visitor searched that crystal pair. Though he searched them deep there never was revealed A trace of fear in them even though they’d soon be forever sealed.

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5. Then he uttered, in a calm and deliberate flow These words, “I’m not so alone as you may think you know; For within this wizened, old and dying shell I have the company of a peaceful Mind that can never be expelled.” 6. After a pause of silence overtook that one-room flat It stirred the guest to speak as by his bed he sat: “Dear sir, please go on and tell me more of what I long to hear − Of the Wisdom you found in life while you’re still alive and here.” 7. Then the old man glanced up at the ceiling bare And you could see he was going back into his Past’s long fare: “I’ve lived my life and to my Conscience I always did heed And thusly I never became too attached to any earthly need.” 8. “From earthly squalor I’ve never been free And have experienced some of Life’s worst Miseries. But now on the fringe of my Death, and the end of my Affair With Life, I’m content with what from it, I was able to ensnare.” 9. “Please, sir”, the guest repeated, “Please tell me more So I can fill my thirsty mind and my barren Soul restore. My life’s so young and starved and little more than waste Compared to what nourished you, and that I now want to taste.”

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10. The old man replied, “The evolution to my contented state Was all done consciously, leaving nothing to Fate. And all my Riches came when I myself denied Any kind of earthly estate and put all my selfish claims aside.” 11. “The Wealth that fills my Soul All came from my triumph over all that was Weak and Foul. And to always rise, stand erect, and never grovel Is the path that I chose to travel.” 12. “Even though the earthly rich all laughed at me and put me down Through self discipline I accepted it and even wore it as a crown. And from all of it I became even better For from the chains of Hate and Anger I did myself unfetter.” 13. “So too, the chains of Greed, Envy and Pride By Truth, were all broken and cast aside. And with each insight into Truth, the wealth of my estate Continued to accumulate.” 14. “I also held no man above me as my guide And I surely never looked down on anyone in Pride. I followed the way that my Conscience had lead And told me to, so now I lay contented on this my dying bed.”

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15. “All men must within themselves instill The simple qualities of Honesty and Truth to conquer Evil. My worldly Life had once enslaved me But when I fully took Truth into my Heart, I was freed.” 16. In a tiny chapel, this old man’s body now lays And near it, his lone companion kneels and prays. And as the plain and simple coffin sits upon the bier That lone companion sheds tear after sorrowful tear. *****

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y From Her Loss (On Sharon) 12-7-1962 Lamenting the break-up with Sharon and debating if I should try getting back with her. _____ 1. Looking back at all the paths that I have traveled Some were pleasant and some were filled with strife. But no path that I can recall had me so unraveled As the one that brought me to her loss For she was, it seemed, my life. 2. When the shiny moon hangs in its pallor hue And is muted by a cloud that passes by And briefly hides within its shadow and my teary view Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s then I fully know that she is gone and how alone am I. 3. And when I dwell among my ruins And think of past and future things Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s then I fully know that to all my future fortunes She and Fate will smother any joy that they to me might bring.

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4. And when I think that I should make amends With her, my angry mind rebels. But later, that thought my sorrowed heart defends For the pain of her loss I need so badly to expel. *****

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All Was Gone − Except The Dark And Scary Night (Bryant Park, New York City) 7-15-1963 Through a demon woman’s eyes he witnessed the vain attempt of two dark angels to escape from Hell. _____ 1. Arriving with the subtleness of a misty rain She, with hardly a sound, came Riding in on the whispers of the night With her curved pinions in soft and gliding flight. 2. There along a deserted railroad track With rodents in every nook and crack She sat alone upon an old wooden crate Among the weeds of summer late. 3. I noticed something strange about her presence: Her eyes were radiating light – not so intense − Just a little bit − And just enough for me to notice it.

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4. As a moth to a flame I came near − Near enough so that into her eyes I could better peer. And as I searched within those eyes, my eyes befell Sights and sounds that I’m now about to tell. 5. Her eyes were like two open ports − Two scopes of odious sorts − Two polished wells that were deeply bored Into some hellish, dismal and subterranean dungeon ward. 6. The dungeon that I saw was a hollow cave The walls of which were chiseled out of stone, save One grate of crisscrossed iron bars which sealed A pit of tortured souls, all screaming out their horrifying appeals. 7. A table on the side of this cave caught my view Where sat two of Satan’s dark angels who − With sable cloaks as their identifying traits − Were devising a plan both bold and desperate. 8. From half-closed slits, peered out their sunken eyes, Amidst an orchestra of suffering and pleading cries. One hunched over and put his forearms on the table Encouraging the other as much as he was able.

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9. “Bilial"*, he said "No longer causes my soul to quake For I’ve learned the secret words that will His spell now break − The spell that binds us here in this prison chasm deep And when broken, will give us our freedom forever to keep!” * Satan 10. “Too long have we catered to our evil urges And labored at our diabolical purges As torturers of sinners’ souls And as bellowers of His flaming coals.” 11. But as soon as his cohort’s nod he did win There was heard a loud and all-consuming din Which smote these swarthy creatures twain With horrid and contorting pain. 12. Then, the Satan-Demon laughed, as few can do, “My clever trap was sprung on you, you traitorous two For I knew you’d plot against me and so I let you fall So I could quaff all the more your pitiful mercy calls.” 13. Then these two discovered souls cried with such horrifying sounds That I felt their every pain as their hearts did unbearably pound. I saw them trying desperately to get out of their Hellish pit − Trying, trying with so many futile and exhausting tandem fits.

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14. While the claws of the Devil-Demon they tried to avert They pitifully continued to blurt Out those spell-breaking words but to no avail As all their incantations were doomed and proved to fail. 15. Then a gang of soldier demons rough and bold Took them both and threw them into a deep dark dungeon hold And locked them behind a massive iron gate Where theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d forever suffer their doom to the Devilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sate.* * satisfaction 16. As she tired from telling her tale, her eyes slowly turned inky dark Except for a little remaining dim lit and muted spark Of light that then, suddenly, burst into a blinding light! And when I recovered my senses and my sight She and everything was gone â&#x20AC;&#x201C; except for the dark and scary night. *****

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y The Little light We Carved Out Of The Night 1-8-2006 Someone ruining even the memory of lost love. _____ 1. All he wanted Was to salvage something from the past − To save that little candle’s worth of light That they had carved out of the giant Night. All he wanted to know Was that their past feelings Had at least some lasting value And that it wasn’t all for naught. All he wanted to know Was that what he’d felt back then Wasn’t just some figment of his imagination. All he wanted Was to see in her Some reflection of himself As the young man that he used to be And the love they used to have A long, long time ago.

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2. But no Not even such a simple little thing as that − Not even a slight remembrance or reminiscence Of how things used to be with them Would she allow. Once again she had to turn a good thing Into a bad thing as she always had. She had to say, “No” Instead of, “Yes.” She had to go and tell the children That there wasn’t any Santa Claus, That the big bad wolf had eaten Grandma, And there were scary goblins hiding underneath their beds. For what? For why? 3. All he wanted Was a graceful ending to their story − Something to cap off all the many years of feelings That they had for one another − Some simple little special friendship That represented in some small way All that they’d been through together − A discreet testament That all that time and effort Was for something − A happy ending to a story − A fitting epitaph − At least something − But no She couldn’t let that be.

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4. All he wanted Was to save that fledging little flint-born spark That they had ignited against the giant Dark. But no She, just like always, wouldn’t have it. She just couldn’t blow on that souvenir ember And keep it alive As a simple and innocent remembrance of the past − As a simple reminder Of how that struggling little bit of light Had stood up to the Giant Night That had surrounded them In the earlier years of their love And showed it That it couldn’t always have its way. But no She wouldn’t allow that little weak and infant light Any chance of life So that they could have a look at it again As a small nostalgic keepsake Of a lost but beautiful love. No, instead She had to go and snuff it out. 5. So now: The Giant Night has won and the forest is all dark, There is no Santa Claus, Grandma’s been eaten by the big bad wolf, And there are scary goblins everywhere. *****

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y Sorrow Is My Vision (To Sharon) 1-16-1963 Sharon’s vision and memory still pains me. _____ 1. Be gone, oh spirit of my lover’s face! Can’t I ever rid myself of you and your painful presence? Must thou come both at Dawn and Dusk And hover over me with such spiteful frequency? 2. Her loss is mine and I will have to bare its brace − A brace that around my heart fits so perfectly And keeps her image chained to me So firm that I can’t release it and ever be free. Oh, how Sorrow has cast her shadow over me. 3. She has felled me And I lay wounded on this desert floor Where the roaring Ghost Vulture Of her sad and piercing memory Will pick at me alive Until there’s nothing left of me.

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4. This nasty beast of prey Never hears my pleas for mercy So I shan’t expect any relief But rather, only endless pain and grief. 5. Her haunting Vision appears almost everywhere − Both in times of rest and in times of toil − And every one of them only deepens my despair Until it reaches my tender heart and eats it out alive. 6. Death, come quick And save me from her Vision That always comes stabbing at my heart With its cruel and deep incisions. It seems that Sorrow Is my new and only Vision now. *****

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y Spring Surprise 3-22-2012 Spring sneaks up on us. _____ 1. Yesterday All the trees and bushes were bare and colorless And the grass was dead and brown. 2. But by morning The trees were full of leaves And everything was green. It were as though Nature had worked all night Just to surprise us when we awoke. 3. The day before Everything was dead and colorless â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Like a black and white photograph. But by morning Everything was alive and in full color. Spring had come â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Overnight. *****

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y An Early Falling Leaf 6-29-2012 Thoughts about a leaf that fell in Summer. _____ 1. I noticed a yellow leaf falling to the ground. It was only just the middle of Summer And too early for a Summer leaf to die. 2. How embarrassing it must be To be such an early wash-out In front of all the others − To be the only one Who couldn’t hack it. 3. I also noticed that no other leaf was willing − In sympathy, compassion or support − To accompany it in its fall. Rather they all just hung there In their aloof and secure positions And watched As their brother fluttered to the ground Alone.

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4. And as I watched I identified with that leaf Feeling all of its embarrassment, pain and regret For I saw it In many ways As representing me. *****

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y Dragging A Good Day Down 9-14-2012 Unable to enjoy a good day for what it is. _____ 1. Why is it That even on a clear bright day I’m watching the sky For things to change? 2. Why is it That I just can’t seem to enjoy the day For what it is And not be preoccupied With what it might deteriorate into? 3. Why is it That I have to drag a good day down today With thoughts of a bad day that might come tomorrow? Why can’t I just take a good day At face value And leave it at that? *****

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y It Was Always Stalking Me 3-14-2013 About mortality. _____ 1. I’ve always had my mortality on my mind And viewed my Death As either a savior Or a demon. 2. I’ve looked at Death As either a savior − Who would free me from all the worries of this world Or as a demon Who would lead me to the coals of Hell. 3. Although I’ve never known Whether Death would be My friend or foe I’ve always known That it was always stalking me. *****

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y Finding Land (On Retirement) 8-10-2013 An analogy on retirement. _____ 1. Prior to retiring I was like a sailor out at sea Negotiating all the storms and worries Of trying to make a living, Dealing with people, And in between Trying to save for my old age. 2. All the while I was out at sea I was always looking forward to finding land − Always looking to get off That constantly rolling sea − And retire. 3. Land − That stable platform Where you’re not always sea sick.

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4. Land − A comfortable retirement Where you won’t have to be afraid anymore Of being swallowed up By a growling sea. 5. Land − That place where you finally see all of Life Fully visible on the surface And not all hidden beneath the waves − That place where you see all the colors of the seasons Instead of only blue and grey. 6. Land − The thing that every sailor looks for When he’s out at sea. *****

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Thank You But I’ll Just Wait 9-25-2013 Waiting in Death’s waiting room. _____ 1. “Why are you here?”, The old man asked, “You’re too young to be here In Death’s waiting room.” 2. “I know”, said the young man, “But I’ve always been early for everything. So I’ll just wait.” 3. The older gentleman Having been around long enough Knew that there was more behind it than that But his wisdom and discretion Counseled him not to press it Knowing that We all have our reasons. *****

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y The Right Decision After All 9-13-2013 A questionable decision reconfirmed. _____ 1. He’d been depressed for many years And saw no hope that anything Would be any different in the future. 2. He tried everything To change his way of thinking − To improve his attitude − But they all had disappointing results Which left him feeling even more depressed And even more of a failure. 3. So he decided to end his life Which he felt Wasn’t worth living anyway.

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4. It was a long and see-saw decision process That he went through But what he finally settled on Was something that he was comfortable with. And just having decided on something Gained him some peace of mind. 5. So he got into his car And drove up to a spot on the highway Where there was a sharp curve And a big drop off over the cliff. 6. With the radio playing He felt a calmness inside of him That he hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t felt before Reassuring him That it was the right decision. 7. Then at the designated spot He turned his wheel sharply to the right, Crashed through the wooden guardrail, And was airborne.

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8. But at the very moment he heard and felt his car Crashing through that guardrail He was rudely awakened − As if from a dream − For he suddenly had a change of heart And felt that he’d made the wrong decision. 9. All of a sudden He had a renewed hope in life and a desire to live. But feeling the wind whistling by him And the zero gravity of his free fall He knew there was no reversing anything now. 10. And so in his free fall He felt a sense of disappointment in himself In having again made the wrong decision. 11. But having said that He realized that this last decision of his Was just like all the other wrong decisions he’s made And that he’d probably always be making the wrong decision Which ironically reconfirmed to him That this last decision of his Was in fact the right decision After all. *****

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y He Stopped Taking His Medicine 9-4-2013 Finding a strange kind of peace. _____ 1. Every morning after shaving He’d take his medicine Which he depended on to live. Then he’d get dressed And ready himself to face his day Which he never looked forward to. 2. While some days were better than others They were never really What he might term Good days. 3. Many times he thought about ending his life But all the alternatives he thought of for doing so Required the courage he didn’t have In that they were all quick, final and irreversible Which didn’t fit well With such an indecisive person as he was − And besides, they were all too messy.

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4. But one day Right after shaving for the millionth time And just before he was about to take his medicine It hit him − That just by not taking his medicine He could overcome all his prior concerns For it would be a death That would be subtle, progressive and clean. 5. It was an ingenious idea And one that required no courage or hard commitment. It was the perfect way to go And he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it before. 6. He also knew That he had the perfect cover To divert any blame or criticism Away from himself and his decision By just pointing the finger At Life itself Who gave him all his maladies. 7. Although his thinking wasn’t exactly correct There was a persuasive argument And even justification For blaming Life For what he was doing For wasn’t it Life Who started it all in the first place? ***** 310

y The Ocean And The Night 9-17-1963 Impressions of the moon and ocean. _____ 1. Night â&#x20AC;&#x201C; that ebony curtain Made of sequined stars all randomly strewn Is drawn around the world again And ushered in by a silent silver moon. 2. Profound and black, the ocean lays East and west as far as the eye can view And there it meets the mirrored moon-spilled rays That shimmer on its surface with their milky hue. 3. The once-calm sea is stirred Every time that Neptune strolls upon his kingdomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s floor Making large black waves, all incurred By the massive power his pace does store. 4. And when these waves finally spiral onto the shore They look like coils of moon-lit wires Which are accompanied by loud and thundering roars Whose foam-white billows never seem to tire.

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5. And after their collapse they form shiny sparkling panes Of water that fan out swiftly across the sand − Full at first, then thinning of their prior gains Then finally retreating shyly and no longer in command. 6. Beyond the breakers’ rumbling mane And past the bursts of splashing spray Is where the gleaming moonlight most notably makes its fame − There upon the ocean’s calm and sable surface in beautiful display. 7. And the stars all look like a million bluish sparks Of fiery hail, cast against the moon-appareled, pitch-black sky. Oh how these tiny pin-point silver marks Inspire me to flee my earthly roots and among them fly. 8. The sea-air breathes its salt-mist breath Across the dark immense marine Where the hands of Life and Time and Death Tonight are vaguely joined as one it seems. 9. In the quiet darkness, the drifting clouds Obscure the moon’s full sight And the ruffled edges of those fleeting shrouds Become embroidered with the lovely lace of lunar-light.

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10. The moon, the sea, the air, are all allied And all in harmony. And as I absorb this lovely sight On this special, special night I can’t but help to make myself believe − For I so much want to believe − That the world is beautiful and friendly And that for so, so long My pessimistic view of it Might have all been wrong. *****

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y The Compassion Of The Moon (A Sonnet) 10-3-1963 The moon feels compassion for a darkened earth. _____ The moon has spilled her teeming and warm silver brew Upon this sad earth’s swarthy-mantled mold Because she understands just how bleak and cold It is, now that night has set upon the earth its sable hue, And she’ll do everything within her power to ease our minds And comfort us during this, our most dark and vulnerable time. She’ll swell her walls to their fullest to have her lovely light unfold On us and serve as the hopeful beacon that our hearts can hold Throughout the long and threatening night Right up until the coming of the morning dew. Our lovely moon touches every single soul and heart Who believes in her. Oh, how she can lift our spirits high Yet at the same time gracefully humble them down. Oh how our lovely moon can quickly spark Our imaginations and make them fly By simply displaying her pale and ashen light upon the ground. Oh, if only I could keep her magic forever in my heart. *****

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y I Know Not Where You Are (To Gwen) 11-16-1963 Pining in Brooklyn for Gwen who is now back in Trinidad. _____ 1. Tonight, I don’t know exactly where you are, my dear But here I am alone looking at a little star − A single crystal gem that’s silver clear − Knowing that somewhere within its distant reach, you are. 2. The wintery wind accosts my window pane But it can’t invade the warmth within my core − The warmth that you breathed into it and that will never wane Even though you’re far away, where the tropical breezes pour. 3. I know I must endure this freezing night in the silence of my room With a raft of worries that bear down on me so heavy and bleak. But I take some comfort now, with the dawn about to bloom, Dreaming that I’m next to you, where you now sleep.

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4. Oh if only I could just appear beside you there I would wake you with a simple kiss. And when I see your loving eyes appear Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d hold you tight with all the love and tenderness That I had saved for you, while I was here And you were there. *****

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y Reincarnation 11-18-1963 Belief in a more basic form of reincarnation. _____ Neither Heaven or Hell shall be the final place of rest For my Body and my Soul For when my Bodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worn out from Lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s harsh tests It will be given up to Death unannounced and unadorned And without a bit of ceremony its wizened shell will decompose And foster a million other lives. And my Soul too, when it passes, will evaporate like a mist And fill the cores of a million new-born lives Just waiting for a soul. *****

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y Never Alone 12-6-1963 A phantom that will haunt me forever. _____ 1. When I turned around I swore I saw a shadowy form â&#x2C6;&#x2019; A phantomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s form â&#x2C6;&#x2019; vague and hardly there. I also felt upon my neck its fetid breath so damp and warm And sensed its burning stare from out of its fiendish pair. 2. Never a night has passed where I felt that I was safe and alone Nor a night where my burdened soul did not bemoan This Phantom who it seems will never leave me alone. *****

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A Demon’s Eyes? (Gramercy Park, New York City) 12-25-1963 By questioning too hard an opportunity was lost. _____ 1. “Oh, sir! Why doth thine eyes burn like fire? What secret source do their gleams and glints require? What latent power doth their light inspire?” ~ But the blazon beads of that blood-red pair Just remained fixed in their fiendish stare. 2. “Oh silent one of stern and somber fare − And you of rigid, reaching beams I do implore − What are those hellish beacons for?” ~ But that crimson pair never ceased its stare, and pierced Me like the Devil’s own and just as fierce. 3. “Oh sir, you who hardly speaks a thing for me to hear Don’t stay mute behind your mystic sheer When I ask you what’s behind thy sharp and scorching peer” ~ But the two remained set in their carmine gleam And their fervid glares were worse than Fate could even dream.

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4. “Oh sir, whose eyes are evil looking orbs of red Upon the bulging crests of each white bed, If you can’t answer me, then who can I ask instead?” ~ But never did he ever blink those eyes of scarlet strains Whose baneful venom I believe was born in evil veins. 5. “Oh sir, what dire demon has thus endowed You, with the incandescent coals thy sockets now enshroud And how is it that with them you are so empowered?” ~ But that scary deuce did never dim or wane its glow Or ever yield to name its source as either friend or foe. 6. “Oh sir, with thy head in hood of sable cowl What is thy purpose and thy place of prowl That hath not spared me from their fiery scowl?” ~ But the sanguine spots upon their bulbs of white Never loosened their lock on me or dimmed their burning light. 7. “Oh sir, whose sphinx-like spheres of ruby-like gems Emit their glare from their swarthy swollen chasms Will time preserve them or someday dampen their furtive stems?” ~ But my craving queries midst the quiet, hung Unanswered, for the ties remained that bound his tongue.

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8. “Oh sir, of occult orbs with fire-shine Why won’t you share with me all the knowledge that is thine? Why won’t you pass it from your heart and soul and into mine?” ~ But oh that somber mood of his was never released Nor did his demonic silence ever cease. 9. But then the sparks that were his eyes began to dim And then dimmed further until they became very faint. And then, apparently, those embers there within Couldn’t hold on to Life no matter how hard they strained And went out when Death could no longer be restrained. 10. By pressing my queries for his story to be told Perhaps too relentlessly and too hard All my anxious attempts to reach the bottom of his soul Might have worn him out and not mined even the smallest part Of the wisdom that may have laid within his rich clandestined heart. 11. So sadly, now I’ll never know All the mysteries that he held and that I tried so hard to find. This opportunity that I lost was a heart breaking blow For I had salvaged nothing of what I had designed To discover and left everything behind.

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12. “Oh sir, who owns these piercing pellets that once did glow But now are doused and sunk in Death’s swarthy depot Tell me, will they ever again ignite and come alive once more? Will they ever grant me the wisdom that I know is in their store?” 13. My spirits lifted however, when I saw him slightly raise his head But just as quickly, it dropped, and he fell dead − Finally dead this time, with sadly, nothing ever said. *****

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y A Misty Snow 12-27-1963 The beauty of a light snow. _____ 1. Oh Look! I see a lightly falling Snow Whose flakes are fine and barely seen And that ride upon every gusty blow And bestow upon this baron earthly scene A lovely new-born white virginity. 2. I walk amidst the wintery mist and feel upon my face Its biting beads and icy brace. Snow on, Snow, and cover everything With your crystal powder-lace So that I may have the fullest of this day And the fullest of your white and icy grace. *****

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y I Saw The Value Of Your Love! (To Gwen) 3-30-1964 Recognizing the value of Gwen’s love frightened me a bit. _____ 1. Dear Gwen, I saw the value of your love. I saw it when we held hands each time we were together. I saw it in your heart, the heart that held your precious love. I also saw it in my dreams that we might one day be together. ~ I saw the value of your love! 2. But being so accustomed to the dark, I shrunk away From the bright light of your love almost in fright For I’d never seen a love like yours come my way That bathed me in such a soft and warming light. ~ I saw the value of your love! 3. I saw it in your kiss and in the tender color of your eyes − The true love, kind and honest that you offered me. To receive such a gift from anyone I never could surmise And felt unworthy and afraid to accept it so openly. ~ I saw the value of your love!

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4. Your love, my dear, I want and need as a flower needs the sun. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re always in my mind and the warmest regions of my heart. With all the passion of my soul I crave to have us joined as one And from each other, never to part. ~ I saw the value of your love! 5. Oh Gwen, that I never be the cause for you to ever grieve Is why I hesitate to have you, undeservedly. I shanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be satisfied to only give you what from you I will receive But rather, to give you much more than that, from me. ~ I saw the value of your love! 6. So Gwen, my pure, if you share my view and so approve And if you ever loved me once and now do love me still Be patient as I try to earn your love and my love for you to prove. So help me with my pursuit to always and truly give you fill For on my life, dear Gwen, I want no one else but you. ~ I saw the value of your love! *****

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y Conspiracy! 3-31-1964 Feeling that there are both internal and external forces at work. _____ 1. There are things that can deflate my spirit without a word Of warning − things that are invisible and silent – Things that are never seen or heard And whose origins, I believe, don’t come solely from within But from outside forces who act in unison like demonic twins Who combine their assaults and take their tandem tolls on me. 2. I think this gloom I often have in me is more than just my doing. I swear it’s in the shadows and even in the open air I breathe! − I swear Conspiracy! 3. The Night is alive with living entities That knowingly or not, aim to do no good to me And often become my arch enemies. 4. It’s not just my imagination or my inner broods That so often put me in my grave and solemn moods I swear there are at work as well Outside forces! − I swear Conspiracy! *****

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y On Time And Faults Engrained 6-5-1964 False hope that time and maturity will correct things. _____ 1. How weak and error prone is the human mind. From the very outset of our youth We create weaknesses of every kind That divert us from the path of decency and truth. 2. We think that as we age The strength will come that surely ought To convince and rightly gauge Our minds to truth, but it’s all for naught. 3. As the years slowly glean Upon us, we all too soon come to realize That time doesn’t always make our wrongs come clean But rather spiteful Fate often keeps us dirty in our lies. 4. The youthful faults we had are sometimes little changed For time doesn’t cure everything and often fails And our faults often mature and become even more ingrained In our grownup hearts where they’ll stubbornly remain.

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5. Time does not our flaws replace With a new and unmarred glass But rather, if anything, only resurface Them, doing little more than disguise their caste. 6. Sin and all the corrupting things That we carried from our past are often little changed now As their roots have taken well and most likely will remain. Their form, shape, face and name May have changed, but not their essences which in fact now May be even worse because our prior venial sins Have aged and become mortal ones that are more wily and can hide Themselves deeper in our souls where they might forever reside. *****

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y Free To Love (To Helen) 9-20-1964 When I was in Naval Officers Candidate School I thought a lot about my older lover, Helen and our affair. _____ 1. You feel the night around you. You feel how full and thick it is But also How eerily empty of any sound. 2. You press your straining ear Against its silence Searching for some reassuring sound That tells you that your lover Is somewhere in the dark. And then You find her. 3. Free! Free! You are free! Free to lie upon your loverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lap And feel her velvet fingers Gliding along your nakedness That youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll relive again and again In the dark and lonely nights That lie ahead of you.

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4. With every stroke, she breathes a sigh for you And upon your lips she sets her own. Then her tongue fills your mouth And her naked breasts rub against your chest. And with that, everything’s unstoppable. 5. Now you’re there − At the center of the universe − At both the beginning and the end of time − And at the point Where nothing else matters. 6. Lovers should always give themselves To the soft condoning night. But while this love we have is rare and beautiful It sadly will not last. But while it does Each encounter is a precious moment That can’t be replicated Or explained. 7. Free! Free! So briefly are we ever so free! So briefly Do we ever experience such ecstasy! *****

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y Return To New York City 12-27-1964 Finding unexpected things. (Some impressions while making my rounds in a number of New York City bars while on leave from the Navy.) _____ 1. I went to New York City on my Navy leave To look for adventure and for girls And to roam and interweave Though its streets and bars To see what might unfurl. 2. In the bars I went into I witnessed a range of moods − From those that tried to mask with shallow and deceptive laughs Deep scars of hurt that scream in pain − To songs of open lamentation from anguished brooding Hearts that had, by love, been cut in half And whose agony couldn’t be masked or at all contained. 3. In these bars I made vague attempts to purge All the effects of my many self-imposed and strapless scourgings. I also became more aware of how the borders of love and hate Strangely crisscross and mesh themselves with fate And how sometimes pain and ecstasy so neatly plait.

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4. In these bars I also saw that life’s events were kaleidoscopic things Where clear thinking may start out that way but then brings Itself full circle by repelling and confusing forces Which meet at junctions opposite to all their original courses. 5. New York City has many things in common with me Where both sights and sounds, despite having common origins, Can often be at odds or out of phase with one another But yet they often secretly wink At each other Indicating that while different in how they appear to be They’re very much alike and much more than we think. 6. Similar ironies and incongruities Can also be noticed In that although only glass and concrete Seem to be everywhere If you look you’ll also see Patches of grass, plants and trees Hiding in plain sight everywhere. 7. And you’ll also notice and come to realize That the sweetest songs and poems Can often be written By the unlikeliest people And amidst the city’s sourest tones. *****

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y On Man And Nature 1-1-1965 An observation and commentary on nature, life and death. _____ 1. What childbirths have I ever seen? What worthwhile memories have I gleaned? What base of wisdom have I gained? What of Sorrowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sores have I retained? What of Life have I really ever seen? 2. In what good things am I now engaged? And what good things have I ever arranged? Has anything touched me with more than the shallowest register Much less ever reached down deep into my center? 3. Have I ever risen with the sun And bathed in a cool brookâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s morning run? Have I ever sat naked upon a rock And basked in the Sunâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s warm golden frock?

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4. Manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s place in this life is always blurred And his true position in the world can only be inferred By studying Nature in every bush and tree he sees And in every breeze that touches him. But sadly, with only the unreliable instrument of his mind To figure from, his chances of finding himself are very slim. 5. Nature bore us of her womb And will extend our life well beyond its natural doom Just in a different form, for when we die every single part Of us will live on and assist another life in its struggling start. 6. The ground, the seed, the plant and the tree Will draw upon what every dead man used to be. And so, despite any hopes for nobleness or glory in Manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s aim Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll leave this Life in the same unsung and humble way he came. *****

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y Past Wounds Have Done Their Damage Here 1-10-1965 Past experience can frustrate future happiness. _____ Past wounds have done their damage here. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve damned my every chance for happiness and joy And dashed any prospect of ever curing my self-destructive fears Which constantly besiege me and are always prowling to destroy. *****

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y As Sorrow Has Decreed 7-25-1965 Sad memories often dominate. _____ Hard and sad memories often deprive my mind of its needed rest And trample any chance I have for inner peace. Unfortunately and consistently, even the best Disguises I have, betray all my falsely mounted faces â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Those of freedom, courage and of peace, for there â&#x2C6;&#x2019; incest Within me and all enjoying themselves in shameless lease â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Are the ever-courting seeds of fear, anger, frustration and despair That mate and bring forth in me their damaged breed And who all call me their father. Oh how these offspring so overbear On me and make me go as Sorrow has decreed. *****

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y The Girl Who Just Disappeared (To Barbara) 8-8-1965 A chance encounter with perhaps a ghost? (A true story about a beautiful girl of Germanic decent.) _____ 1. I met her only once and never again since; And all my efforts to find her should probably have convinced Me to abandon any further efforts to find her. But I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t, for in my mind her memory constantly recurs. 2. It was on a subway train when to me she first appeared. Her chin was down upon her chest and her eyes were full of tears. She looked so despondent as she prayed her rosary beads And to me her sobs were more like pleas. 3. With tissue after tissue she dabbed her eyes and wiped her nose And her throat choked back whatever desperate sobs arose. As I watched her, my heart, in tandem sympathy, shared All her pain and beauty, and the more I saw the more I cared.

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4. I followed and caught up with her and offered her my aid. We walked a while then stopped for coffee where she conveyed To me the story of a jilting fiancĂŠ Who had let his motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s disapproval of their marriage stay. 5. As I left her at her stoop she asked If I would like to stay for supper, but I declined and rather passed My thanks to her, for it was late and she by then had calmed. So there I left her to herself and her tall and slender charm. 6. Not long after, I came back looking for her again. But not a single neighbor knew her or recognized her name Nor were their memories from my descriptions of her ever refilled. So the haunting question my mind now hosts About this Germanic beauty, and that will always remain, Is whether she was real, or only just a ghost. *****

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y Only As A Lover Should (To Helen) 8-15-1965 My older lover often waited for me in the dark. _____ 1. Dear love Here we are again In this special hour and night of ours Naked in the dark in each other’s arms Where I offer you A hundred whispers of your name. 2. In this vernal night of ours We await the visits of the breeze That will first address All the leaves upon the trees Then, with their soft erotic touch, caress Our naked moonlit bodies Sprawled across your bed. 3. Would I have returned If I didn’t hold your heart As one with mine? Would I still burn for your tender lips Had I found another’s Half as fine?

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4. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll love you as a lover should And hold your heart as a true love would. 5. And when I take my leave do not despair For Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll return to you With all my love again, my fair. 6. So wait for me, my love Naked in the dark And listen for my whisper For soon, I will be there. *****

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y Wind, Tell Me Of A Coming Love 11-12-1965 Hoping for a true love to come along. _____ Oh Wind, please tell me sweetly of The coming of a special love. Stroke and fill my desperate ear With the gilded words I long to hear. Breathe life back into Hope and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let it die. Oh Wind, give me the promise of a coming love That would keep my little heart alive Even if it is a lie. *****

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y Fog Night (Dam Neck, Virginia) 11-14-1965 The fog undermined my confidence. (Written at the Naval Anti-Submarine Warfare Naval Training Facility in Dam Neck, Virginia.) _____ 1. A heavy fog overwhelmed the woods last night So much so, that soon the ear replaced the eye. Its drizzly currents put everything into an eerie light And made things almost disappear wherever it did lie. Without a sound, it tumbled through the woods and fields Weaving through every blade of grass and every bush and tree. Its sudden birth and breadth did in me up-wield The fear that even the privacy of my very soul might be revealed. 2. As I watched the fog unroll and lay Itself over everything, I thought I heard its voice calling me Like the droning calls of whales From two miles deep and a hundred miles away − Calling me to be a part of it With such haunting and seductive pleas And coaxing me to transform my current weight and form Into a misty facsimile vapor and trespass Into the very fog itself as a stowaway and ride its carpet’s aim And wander in its dewy night-clad mass Then perish with it like a martyr in the morning sun’s first flame.

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3. In a thick of black-barked trees that had all gone winter-bare Was the havened ward where this silent fog And the nightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s black humid air had brewed themselves Into that vaporous frothy fare That bore the blindly screaming dialogue Of a million insects everywhere. And this fogâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s heavy sea-like weight That had never before conveyed any threatening trait Now did and was so unsettling that it made me fear For my very sake. Oh, how the mind will turn upon itself And in the process What primal fears it will ensnare. *****

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y I In Turn Will Shatter Hers (Mixed Emotions For Gwen And Carol) 11-26-1965 I so much wanted to have things work for Gwen and I. But I went back and forth in my resolve and getting briefly infatuated with Carol didn’t help. _____ 1. Carol You have shown me What love should feel like. You have shown me What I should have and wanted to have with Gwen But somehow don’t. So now before I see her I’m thinking of the best way to tell her again That our love can never be − Thinking of the best and least painful way To hurt her again − The best way to break her heart A second time.

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2. Carol With your polite rejection of our love You have shattered my heart And now in turn I must shatter Gwen’s − But only with the truth. 3. So with an agonizing mixture Of irony and sorrow I thank you, Carol Trusting That it’s all for the best All in all. *****

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y I See My Side Is Empty (To Gwen) 1-14-1966 Remembering being on Gwen’s veranda my first night in Trinidad. (Written while attending the Naval Combat Information Center School in San Diego, California.) _____ 1. Lifting up my eyes tonight I see the stars Against the black inverted bowl of heaven. And as I look at them I’m filled with memories And taken far and away To where we once had gazed upon those very same stars When our time together was infant new And all too full and fresh to ever raise a thought That love might end one day. 2. When I see that same Big Dipper That we had once both pointed to I feel you next to me Just like it was back then. But when I reach for you I see that you’re not there And that my side is empty Where you used to be.

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3. My side is empty now – Empty of where you used to be. And my heart is empty too – Empty of all the dreaming wishes That I had for you and me. And as I think about the then and now I’m deeply saddened by it all. *****

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y When She Began To Play 1-15-1966 The music I heard at a piano recital in a church in downtown New York City had a profound effect on me. _____ 1. From the angle I was sitting I could only see A glimpse of her Sitting at the piano In her elegant crimson dress. 2. In anticipation of her first note She slowly Raised her hand And dramatically held it there Suspended in the air. 3. She held it there For only a moment But long and dramatic enough To make it seem like time had stopped.

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4. My eyes and heart were transfixed By the drama and suspense. 5. Then down it came â&#x2C6;&#x2019; That one finger â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Aiming like a dive-bomber At its target. And when it hit that first note Its beautiful sound rang out And struck me in the heart! 6. Oh the clarity and the beauty Of the music that she played Bore my soul away. 7. As the highest notes flew And the lowest notes plunged I had to hold my breath. *****

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y Impressions Of Winter And Helen (To Helen) 1-31-1966 Thoughts of my older lover on a cold winter’s day. _____ 1. On a cold and breezy Winter day I’m sprawled across your bed Looking out the window At the creaking boughs of the trees And at the brightest blue of a morning sky That only bares itself in Winter in this special way. 2. I also see the whitest sheets I’ve ever seen As only Winter-light can make them seem And feel them fresh and crisp As only Winter-air can make them feel. And with a shy but open passion I watch you spread your nakedness at me And hear you whisper, “Hold me tight and take away this Winter morning’s chill.” 3. And as you take me in I give you love And give myself A sense of immortality. *****

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y And It All Began From There (To Barbara Jane Moran − “BJ”) (Hawaii) 3-28-1966 “BJ” was a beautiful 24 year old native Hawaiian who I met when I was stationed at Pearl Harbor in the Navy. She was part Chinese, Filipino, Portuguese, English and French and used to write erotic letters to me when I was out to sea. (She’d been married to a Marine and when he came home unexpectedly one night to visit her and their child I had to slip out the back window to avoid a confrontation.) _____ 1. Her Eurasian beauty Surfaced every passion that was in me And made my heart and blood Run as fast as lust would have it run. 2. Her dark brown eyes Shown bright against the sparkling white That surrounded them. There was no limit to their depth Or to her mesmerizing beauty.

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3. In the early evening light Her light brown Polynesian skin Shone soft, warm and beautiful As though it were glowing. 4. Her low cut and clinging cotton dress Allowed the crescent beauty of her breasts To show how well-formed And perfectly proportioned they were As well as that of her hips and thighs. 5. Her beauty held me fast And wouldn’t let me go − Nor did I want it to. The only thing that mattered Was to have her close to me − And it all began from there. *****

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y Thoughts On Watch At Sea (Aware That I Am Me) (North Pacific) 4-5-1966 An awareness of myself came over me. _____ 1. At sea tonight I walked the deck. The ship was quiet Except for The noise of the engines, The splashing discharge of its pumps, And the plunging of its bow into the open sea. 2. It was here that I noticed – As if for the first time – “My” feet Carrying “me” across the deck And feeling “myself” in motion Walking in the darkness Which made me wonder: How is it that I “am”? How is it that I am this thing called “me”? How is it that I feel myself As “me”?

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3. It was such a strange phenomenon Being aware that I am “me” − That I’m a watchtower – A fortress With little peep-holes in it That allow me to see Both The beauty of the world And The advance of any attack. 4. How unique, introspective and self-centered I realized I was Being the center of the Universe. 5. It was a strange and eerie consciousness That I had tonight − This awareness of my being “me” − On this night – On this ship − In the middle of this black and massive ocean − This awareness That I am this thing called “me” − This awareness − Of being “me”! *****

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y I Showed You The Stars (To Bich-Thuy Chung) 8-7-1966 Impressions after a night walk with Thuy on the University of Hawaii campus where I showed her the star constellations which I had memorized during my many nights on watch out at sea. _____ 1. We walked together on the campus lawn Talking softly of sweet and delicate things. How calm this night for us was made And how lovely the moon light laid Upon the grass until all the night was gone. It was there I sang the Song of Night as a full heart sings. 2. We saw some distant animals with their glowing yellow eyes Suspended in mid-air piercing brightly through the dark. And when you first saw them â&#x2C6;&#x2019; those yellow burning beams â&#x2C6;&#x2019; You were frightened of their scary gleams. I smiled at the child-like fears I saw in your eyes And as I lovingly assured you, I took you deeper in my heart.

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3. And when I showed you the constellations in the sky that night And those special stars that shone both blue and white And also those that blinked both red and green, you were amazed. With each new thing you saw, your face blossomed like a flower â&#x2C6;&#x2019; The flower that I thought one day might be my flower. I was falling in love with you the more into your eyes I gazed. 4. Your hands were delicate, refined and feminine Your hair was freshly scented, soft and black and silky fine And oh how your warm brown eyes looked softly back into mine. 5. Was this the beginning of love? Could it be? For you and me? Oh how you made this blessed hope arise in me. Oh how I cradled this new-born hope That maybe one day youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be mine. *****

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y Thoughts At Sea During The Mid-Watch (Alone And Colder) 6-11-1966 Regretting my performances, personality and relationships. (Written on the midnight to 4 am watch in the North Pacific.) _____ 1. The cold damp sea-wind Puts a chill on the back of my neck As a punishing reminder of all my fallen hopes. 2. It howls and bites and tries to steal Whatever warmth and security I have in me. 3. Soon Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m feeling cold and alone inside As I review my daily failings. 4. Each thought and gust of wind contains some past regret For my mind is both my accuser and my punisher. 5. With each regret the wind delivers I feel all the more alone and colder still. *****

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y She Has Sprung On Me Like A Cat (On “BJ”) 6-19-1966 It was a bad break-up with “BJ”. She even threatened to go to the Captain of my ship and accuse me of getting her pregnant. (Extortion?) Not believing she was pregnant I called her bluff. _____ 1. I slept and loved with her But now she’s turned on me As quickly and sharply As if she’d just been biding her time. 2. Finding an excuse in some minor quarrel She’s sprung on me Like a cat would spring upon its prey. 3. She’s turned on me. Perhaps she’s found herself another man. Perhaps she no longer needs me. Perhaps this. Perhaps that.

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4. She was so quick to raise her back And spit and scratch at me With no regard for how we used to love. 5. I always knew an end would come to our affair − Sometime – someway – somehow − one day. But I never thought that it would be This way. *****

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y Please Forgive My Haste (To Bich-Thuy) 8-13-1966 She had never been kissed by a man before so when I rushed it I felt a little guilty. _____ 1. I’ve not been far or long enough at sea For any decent crust of salt to coat my skin Or the sun to burn my face enough for anyone to see But time enough for my thoughts of you to begin. 2. As the ship was cutting through the water’s calm Stirring up a wake of white and foamy noise My mind is far away from this rolling ship I’m on Missing you and your darling face and graceful poise. 3. I’m remembering when you cried and held your face in shame After I had tried to give a first and gentle kiss to you. But dear Thuy, you shouldn’t burden me with too much blame For I only did it out of love and tenderness for you.

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4. Nonetheless, I now more fully understand The flower of innocence that you are. And when you extended your hand In forgiveness of my haste with you I took you even deeper into my heart. 5. And now As I stand upon this deck So far out at sea My mind is filled with you. *****

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y Bending Slowly 8-15-1966 Things are continuously morphing into something new, transitioning from one thing to another. _____ 1. Bending slowly The Night eventually becomes the Dawn. And then the Dawn is slowly molded into Day. Then the Day gets weary and worn And drains itself down into Dusk. And then, with little resistance left Dusk accepts a lover in her bed And soon the Night is born. 2. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d think that somehow Things would stay the same But no, they always change And never stay the same For everything begins to change The second they are born.

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3. In time Everything’s transformed. What “is” becomes a “was”. And what “was” becomes a “memory” And then a “memory” fades away into “nothingness” Waiting for something new to be born To begin the cycle again. 4. Nothing ever stays the same As everything begins to change The second it is born. *****

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y Thoughts At Sea Made Me Sad 8-31-1966 Finding that elusive peace of mind. _____ Standing alone and bracing against the heavy wind, With the ship forging through the sea, With the deck heaving underneath my feet, With the water pounding on the hull like thunder, And with the moonlight making a bright and sparkling wake I go backwards in time Thinking of all the things that made me sad Which thoughts I’m always trying Not to drag along with me That will weigh down my future. But knowing that so many things Are far beyond my control and reach And that I’ll probably never find Enough satisfying peace of mind I’ll always be asking Why contentment for me Is so difficult to find? *****

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y Frost Ring (Honolulu) 11-30-1966 The beauty of a winter moon peering through the clouds. (Inspired by a scene in the movie, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dr. Zhivago.â&#x20AC;?) _____ 1. Tonight the moon has burned a hazy lunar hole Through a thin white veil of clouds Just as a candle would burn a little circle Onto a frosted winter windowpane. 2. And as I peered through it It were as though I was peeping through a knot hole And seeing the entire Universe. *****

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y I Stopped My Mind On You (To Bich-Thuy) 1-6-1967 Pining thoughts of Thuy in Hawaii when on Navy home leave. _____ Even with the hard distractions of the city life My mind was filled with longing thoughts of you. I took your picture out and stared at it Seemingly forever And dreamed such full and tender dreams of you Longing to have you with me All my life. *****

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y The Full Weight Of Night 2-9-1967 The emotional spectrum in life. _____ Why Moon, does my heart beat To the sounds and rhythms Of this full and weighty Night? Why does it take me up whole And nearly bring me to tears? â&#x2C6;&#x2019; To tears of intermittent and fleeting hopeful joy Then to tears of unrelenting and unforgiving sadness? Why does it so much fill me With so many things to ponder about And at the same time Take so much out of me? *****

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y We Used To Fly Like The Stars (On Bich-Thuy) 12-14-1967 Back in Brooklyn I’m still pining over Thuy who I left in Hawaii. _____ 1. Looking up I see the pitch-black sky And all the stars Twinkling through the clouds like fireflies Showing off to the moon Like little children. And as I close my eyes I’m back with you again in dear Hawaii. 2. Our hands are joined together as before And your heart is in your warm brown eyes As it always is for me. And as for my heart? − It’s bursting from my chest Trying to join you there. 3. Though far away − Almost halfway around the world − My mind is full with thoughts of you. And with your love and memory always in my heart You’re never out of reach.

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4. And so I always bring you back to me And hold you here â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Here within the bosom of my lonely dreams. *****

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y A City Fog 3-22-1968 Fog always inspires me to write. (Impressions walking in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn where Diane Golunski lived and who I was dating.) _____ 1. Sounds tumble through the city fog And speak to me in rolling dialogues All swollen with eerie lamentations And secret and unknown aspirations. 2. Ships and tugs along the Brooklyn Narrows Pour out their bloated whistle drones Which are taken up by the wind in tow And twisted into eerie sounds, almost like moans. 3. The sea-born sounds tumble and swirl Through all the streets, alleyways and city pores. And the fog follows me and curls Its silent blanket around me and touches my very core.

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4. The white street lights and the traffic lights of red and green Burst their colors into a mist-like spray That permeates the night with foggy streams Of color in blurred and drenched display. 5. When the fog arrives, even the hard concrete sounds are stilled As if in awe of an honored but formidable guest. And when its heavy mane covers the streets, it fills Them with sea-born tones that sailors understand the best. 6. My footsteps give away the aimless random meter of my walk. Alone, along an almost empty street My thinkingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s strained by the heavy babbling talk Within my head as my inner thoughts unseat Themselves when the fog, the night and I do meet And our breaths all mix in the secret language that we speak. *****

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y When Others Were With Their Friends (Me, The Different One) 4-20-1968 Walking the streets of Brooklyn writing poetry. (I wrote a guitar piece about this subject entitled, “Empty Walks and Whiskey Mind.”) _____ 1. I used to walk the streets alone at night With a whiskey bottle tucked in my belt That I’d drink for inspiration For the poems I wanted to write. 2. When friends were with their friends and families I’d be sitting on some freezing church step Looking at a winter star Mulling over life And putting into clumsy words My pressing thoughts and unsettled feelings. 3. While everyone Was warmly tucked away inside somewhere I was fighting with an icy wind With half-numbed frozen feet And a liquored-up heart and mind Writing poetry.

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4. This was what I did. This was me, the different one â&#x2C6;&#x2019; So different from the others. *****

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I’m All Too Serious (London) 9-7-1968 Being more serious and sensitive compared to others. _____ 1. My spirit fades as the night sets upon the city square. My heart reflects and feels so bare As I look around at all the others in the bar Who seem to show no fear of life at all But rather just accept it as it is − Which is something I could never do. 2. My heart sinks over its over-sensitivity And for want to be someone different – For want to be someone Who wouldn’t hurt so much. 3. For me, life never comes so easy. For me, I take everything All too hard and serious. *****

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y This Yellow Sky At Dusk 11-29-1968 Thoughts on the mysterious subtlety of dusk. _____ 1. There’s something eerie About this evening’s Sky at Dusk With its yellow amber color That looks just like the color of Autumn leaves, Ancient parchment, Egyptian sand, Or aged gold. 2. It’s more than just the color of the Sky tonight − There’s something more and strange about it – Something in its ambiance − Something in it That’s subtly infiltrating me And filling me with a mix of wonder and fear. There’s something more to it than just the Sky. It seems to be a Being unto itself. What’s in this yellow Sky tonight That’s bearing down on me?

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3. This yellow sky at Dusk tonight Has within it The strangest sounds I’ve ever heard − Like the humming Of a million insect wings − Like the droning of a fog horn Far out at sea − Like summer thunder Rumbling in the distance. 4. I listen, see and feel This yellow thing of Life − This amber colored Being − This dusty crescent Crust of yellow Wrapped around the Earth − This eerie, pregnant, yellow Sky at Dusk. *****

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y China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) (Taipei) 12-12-1969 Pei Pei was a shop girl by day and a call girl by night. _____ 1. When I awoke I watched her breathing in her sleep. Here I am Halfway around the would Sleeping with an angel of the night. 2. Looking out of the hotel window I saw the China dawn: A vague and heavy dusty orange glow Rising above the dingy concrete roof tops. 3. Looking up I saw the faintest blue that was to be the day. And drifting by my window Were the flat-bottomed and pink-rimmed edges Of new-born morning clouds.

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4. As the China dawn fell upon her early face I felt the East all over me And it saddened me to think That soon she would be gone. 5. Before she left She quietly made the bed â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Which I thought to myself How nice and different that was. *****

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y When Thuy Was Next To Me (On Bich-Thuy) 12-28-1969 Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m always in a dreamy world with Thuy. _____ 1. When I think of her I see petal wings and misty rainbows In the morning dew. 2. When I think of her I feel her soft and delicate hand in mine, Her beating heart, And her warm and tiny body embracing me Just as she did When she used to lay down next to me. 3. When I think of her I think of love When love was blossom new. *****

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The Fingers Of The Trees â&#x2C6;&#x2019; The Corals Of The Sea 2-20-1970 Fascinated with the skeleton-like look of winter trees. _____ 1. The Snow is never fully dressed without the Moon But when the Moon has given its consent And dresses her in its lovely evening gown of Light Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s such a gorgeous bride. 2. During the Day The surface of the Snow Gets warmed and slightly melted by the Sun So when the Night arrives it freezes into a shiny glaze That glistens in the Moon. 3. And against this winter landscape Of Day and Night and Sun and Moon Are the naked frosted Winter Trees That boldly paint their shadows on the Snow.

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4. In the Daylight These bare-boughed Winter Trees Look just like witchâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hands With their gnarled and crooked fingers Reaching for the Sky. 5. But at Night All glazed with Ice And bathing in the cold arctic Moonlight They look like the bleached-white branches of Coral Reaching up from the bottom of the Sea. 6. Oh how dreamy and poetic Are these Winter Trees for me. *****

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y The Rope Walker 6-18-1997 Walking on the edge of life. _____ 1. It seems that throughout my life I’ve been on some kind of tight-rope. And now I’m on another one With neither a grab-line above Or a safety net below. 2. Although I promised myself That I’d never ascend that ladder again I’m never in control of all I promise. 3. My balance is all I have to save myself And it’s being tested every step I take And any misstep could be my last. 4. With one misstep, however small − Whether inadvertent or on purpose − All my worries would be over with Which option often temps me like a sparkling jewel. Should I, like Faust Make a bargain with the Devil?

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5. And if I were to make that misstep Think of the high drama That it would give the crowd And the headlines it would make in the news, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Rope walker falls to his death! Was it an accident? Or was it suicide?â&#x20AC;? 6. What a great show and fitting ending My fall would make. Oh the excitement, mystery And the theater of it all! *****

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y Bangkok At Dawn (Bangkok) 12-16-1969 I took a bar girl back to my hotel where I watched the dawn come up over Bangkok as she slept. _____ 1. I only slept an hour or two Before I was awakened By some roosters crowing. I never knew that roosters crowed Earlier than dawn. 2. On the streets below Someone struck a bell. I remembered hearing That same bell last night Being rung every hour or so. 3. I saw a blur of morning light Straining through the window And through the thin, stained and tattered curtains Of the run down hotel that we were in. It was faint, but bright enough to make me squint. It was the dusty Bangkok dawn.

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4. The bed was hard and didn’t give at all. I saw her breathing underneath the sheets. Laying back, I felt a calmness come over me. It was good to feel relaxed again. 5. It’s been a long time Since I felt this way – Relaxed and dreamy − For New York’s been a strain on me. 6. So the dusty dawn in Bangkok – Yawning And not so anxious to awake – Felt good to me. *****

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He’s Hit 7-7-1997 A soldier fatally shot during the Vietnam War. _____ 1. He was hit And the shock of it jolted him And sent tremors through his body and mind But he couldn’t tell at first Just exactly where he’d been hit. 2. While he was frightened He also felt a kind of strange relief For he knew that with his being hit He’d be out of action for a while Or maybe for good. The pressure of the war Would be off him − The pressure of fighting fear And having to be surface-brave Every minute of the day Would be relieved.

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3. And he also knew That if his wound was bad enough He might even be going home − And maybe as a hero! 4. The war was frightening: The dark wet jungle all around you − The shelling and the bullets speeding by So fast, so close and so loud. It could easily and quickly break your nerves For the mind cannot digest such concentrated terror. 5. It was bad enough Hearing just a single bullet whistle by you With unimagined speed and force Ripping through hundreds of jungle leaves – “Ping” − “ping” – “Ping” − “ping” − “ping” − Then hitting the soft pulp Of a tropical tree trunk Right next to you With a terrifying magnum “Thud” − So just imagine How much more terrifying it is With a constant hail of bullets In a deadly fire-fight That he often found himself in.

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6. When his mind had calmed a bit From its initial shock He realized That the sound of a bullet hitting a tree – That “thud” − Was very similar to the sound he heard When that bullet Smashed into him. 7. When his mind had cleared a bit And he could see Just how badly he’d been hit He felt sick and scared. 8. His mind began to wander And he saw his wife and son clearly in his mind. He also saw the images of his life passing in front of him Which told him that he might be coming to his end For seeing your family and your life pass before you Are always the things that happen Right before you die.

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9. He saw his wife and his boy In the window of his home. He waved to them And called out their names But they didn’t answer. Neither one of them could see him And rather seemed to look right through him. He saw himself crawling across the lawn Trying to reach the house But everything was moving in slow motion And he didn’t seem To be making any progress. 10. His heart was pounding And a flood of helplessness and depression Came over him For now, it seemed He’d have no second chance At anything. 11. Then the vision of that window he was crawling toward And his wife and son in it Began to fade and move further away from him. He could also see that he also was fading Which might mean, he thought That he’d never make it to that window Which might also mean That he might never be making it home.

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12. He could hear the medics yelling As they frantically worked on him â&#x2C6;&#x2019; But they were only in his muted background For his mind was home and with his family. 13. Then he began to feel a lot more pain in his chest And it was getting harder for him to breathe. He was gasping now and feeling faint. Then things began to fade some more And he felt like life itself Was draining out of him. 14. Then another image came into his head Where he saw himself in a pool of quicksand Slowly sinking With one arm reaching up Trying to hold on to the sky To avoid being swallowed up whole. He was hallucinating. 15. The last thing that he saw Before everything went black Were the fading images of his wife and son In the window of the house That he had built himself â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Which images Were the closest he ever got To going home. ***** 390

y Edge Walker 4-23-1998 For the sake of her child a heroic fable was created. _____ 1. As soon as he saw the edge of the cliff He couldn’t help himself. His mind began to dig itself in With familiar determination. He just had to test himself again − For that was his nature. 2. He focused himself – Mind and body − With Olympic concentration On the challenge of that edge. “All or nothing!” − “Do or die!” Those were his battle cries. 3. Yes, the consequences tugged at him But never enough to matter And so he just screwed himself in tighter. There was no shaking his resolve. He’d do it − no matter what. That was his style. That was his nature. That’s where his head was at.

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4. This time though His timing was just a little off. He had made a slight miscalculation. He was off by only a second − Or a half an inch Depending how you looked at it − But just enough to be his last And final miscalculation. 5. His wife would later tell us That she felt a strange sensation the moment he fell Which was their last communication. 6. For her son’s sake Her eulogy contrived him as a daring hero. But she knew differently. He was no hero. Rather, he was just a reckless ego-driven fool Who was thinking only of himself And his next achievement With little regard For how his death would leave them. 7. But she would keep that to herself − At least for now − As that would be a story For another time and place − And for an older son. ***** 392

y Trees In Spring 4-25-1998 Early spring. (Written at 7 am in the parking lot of a McDonald’s restaurant in Stonington, CT on the way to the Newport-Bermuda Race training on Tom Carroll’s boat, “Siren Song.”) _____ 1. All the little buds on all the trees are peeking out Shyly waiting for reassurance and approval And daring each other to come out. 2. These little buds Look just like the tiny colored lights You’d see on Christmas trees. 3. With their courage slowly building They’d soon be opening Like a million little fans Signaling the start Of yet another Spring. *****

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y Not Missing Anyone (12:45 am) 12-31-1998 Being alone with my thoughts. _____ 1. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 10 below outside. And all the rooms are cold. 0

2. The entire house is dark Except for the moonlight That has whispered in And volunteered to be my guide. 3. The poet in me has arisen With all of its pumped-up inspiration, Its lofty high ambitions, And its good intentions â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Some of which are real But most of which Are pure fantasy.

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4. I’m alone But not missing anyone. I’m alone in my private thoughts − Content tonight To have them as my only company. *****

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y A Name Embedded In My Heart (On Sharon?) 6-15-1963 Pining. Over Sharon? _____ As the subway barrels through the gray tunnel walls Its screeching rumbling wheels ring throughout its dreary halls Echoing a name embedded in my heart that almost makes it stall â&#x2C6;&#x2019; The name of a long lost love is the name it calls. *****

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y A Mural Sunset 10-11-2013 A surreal experience while driving home from Waterbury CT. _____ 1. I was returning home from a client call Driving into the southern sky On the Merritt Parkway Just around sunset. 2. The sky was filled with radiant and swirling Pink and blue acrylic colors That made me feel As if I were riding into a living mural. It looked as though the road ahead of me Had lifted itself up and into the sky As if it were an on-ramp. 3. Both my mind and heart Found asylum in that gorgeous sky And my soul took refuge in it Absorbing all the stresses of the day.

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4. It were as though I was hypnotized And being drawn into That warm and beautiful sunset sky. 5. I was transfixed And imagined myself On some sort of Yellow brick road to Oz. 6. It seemed As though I was driving Into some star gate â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Into some worm hole in space. 7. It seemed as though I was literally driving off Into the sunset â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Into a living mural sunset. *****

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Who I’m Not 11-1-2013 It’s less about what he is and more about what he’s not. _____ 1. I’m not a leader Rather I’m a follower. 2. I’m not a spokesperson But rather a listener and head-nodder. 3. I comment on what other people say Rather than provide any opinions myself. 4. I edit Rather than write. 5. I criticize and critique Rather than create. 6. I’m in the audience Not on stage.

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7. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m an observer Rather than a participant. 8. I work in the back office Not in the front. 9. This is who I am But more so Who Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not. *****

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y My Bookends 12-7-2013 My Past, Present and Future. _____ 1. My Present is bordered With regrets from the Past on my left And Worries about the Future on my right. 2. I have nothing comforting To look back on In the Past And am fearful and pessimistic About what might lie in wait In the Future. 3. Oh what a depressing set of bookends I have on either side of me. *****

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Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You 12-31-2013 Some things are just too wrong to accept. _____ 1. You can tell me that the sky is purple. You can tell me the world is square. You can lie to me though your teeth And I’ll find a way to believe you. 2. You can tell me That we’re not meant for each other And I’ll still hang on And keep my hopes up high. 3. You can say anything you like Right or wrong, Good or bad, True or false, As well as things That are downright mean and hurtful − But don’t you ever say That I don’t love you. *****

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y His Little Plastic Pill Container 2-22-2014 His special and very personal clock. _____ 1. He opened the top Of his orange plastic pill container − The one he’d just gotten from the pharmacy − And looked into it. It was his 90 day, one-a-day supply of pills That he needed to take to stay alive. It was his new 90-day lease on life. 2. It was his clock − A clock that was more tangible and relevant Than the mechanical one on his wall − A clock that recorded time In more personal and tangible units Than just in seconds and minutes For it recorded time In terms of daily life-units Which was much more relevant to him And that he could directly identify with.

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3. Through his pills He got a much better feel and sense of time − Much better than any conventional clock could ever convey For a conventional clock Was remote, unfeeling and one dimensional. 4. Likewise, every time he took his pill He’d get a hands-on sense of his own mortality That he could actually see, touch and taste. 5. Unlike a regular clock − That could only show him the current time − When he looked into his plastic pill container He could see the Past, Present and the Future. 6. His pill container was his personal time machine: The pill he took each day represented the Present And the new one-day lease it gave him; And looking at the level of pills He got a good sense of the Past For he could see how many pills he’d already used up And reflect upon all those days gone by; And looking at the number of pills that were left He also got a good sense of the Future In terms of how many days he had left in his 90-day lease Which gave him a very personal appreciation of life In precious daily and personal increments.

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7. His clock on the wall was also Nowhere near the strong advocate and counselor That his pill container was In that if he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take his daily pill He would be told in no uncertain terms by inference That he was risking his life Which he knew wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t any empty threat. 8. His pills took on their own personas. They were his saviors For which he was dependent on, Grateful to, And at the same time Afraid of. 9. And as time progressed And the pills began to disappear And he began to see the orange plastic bottom showing through It presented a clear warning sign to him And another visual and tangible sense of his mortality That he could never get From that self-deluding, mute and timid clock on the wall. 10. And each time he renewed his prescription It was another 90-day lease on life Which gave him an acute appreciation for life In precious and modest 90-day life-increments.

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11. Millions of people take pills everyday But not many have the insight into them − That special kind of symbolism − That spiritualism − That he had with his. He was a special person in that regard Who could see and read into things more than others. 12. Each little pill to him represented Another shave in the morning, Another sunrise, Another morning cup of coffee Another sunset, Another celebratory glass of wine at night, Another revolution of the world. Each little pill represented A concrete unit of real life And not just the mechanical tick-tocking units That his clock on the wall offered. 13. His little container of pills was his daily reminder Of how precious life really was And the synergies between life and death And how interrelated they were. Each pill also showed him How the borders of life and death So naturally touch each other.

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14. He wondered if his family − When they go through his belongs after his death And come across that orange plastic pill container − Would see anything more Than a meaningless throw-away pill container. They might if they really understood him And knew how philosophically deep he was About everything. 15. But what were the chances of that happening? − The chances that they’d recognize How much that little plastic pill container Meant to him and why? And that it just might be worth saving As one of the best representations and mementos Of who and what he was? – Probably nil − 16. So he came to the painful realization That that little pill container And all the history and meaning it holds Might just be tossed out As garbage With no one ever being the wiser for it Which saddened him Just thinking about it. *****

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y Wishing You Were Here 2-24-2014 A selfish but somewhat understandable wish. _____ 1. I’ve never been alone in my life As you’ve always been by my side. But now with my death I am, for the first time, all alone And buried here among complete strangers. 2. I miss you so much And wish we could be together again Like we were for all those years we lived together And pray that you’ll be joining me soon. 3. I know it’s selfish of me to think this way But, for love and missing you I just can’t help Wishing that you’ll be joining me soon. I just can’t help Wishing you were here. *****

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So What’s The Point? 2-24-2014 The end result is the same. _____ 1. Struggle Struggle All through life Trying to survive. 2. That’s the way it’ll be For our entire lives. 3. Despite all our many interim successes At surviving our ordeals In the end The result will be the same − We’ll die anyway. 4. So tell me What's the point of it all? *****

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y Instant Spring 3-11-2014 Spring came overnight. _____ 1. “A watched pot never boils.” That’s the way it felt Waiting for Spring to arrive. 2. Each day I looked at the trees And saw that they were still brown and bare. The next day and the next week They were still the same. Every day I watched for them to change But they didn’t. 3. But then this morning When I woke up Everything was green! When I went to bed last night, everything was brown But when I awoke, everything was green! All of a sudden Spring had come Just like it does every year − Overnight! *****

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Don’t Be Too Nice To Me 4-6-2014 Building more good memories will only create more hurt. _____ 1. Don’t be too nice to me For when you’re gone I’ll be missing you And hurting all the more. 2. Don’t make me love you so much That I won’t be able to move on. 3. Don’t dress up so nice for me For they’ll be much less reason For me to look at the clothes in your closet And imagine you wearing them With your little pony tail Swinging from side to side.

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4. Let’s not take so many pictures And put them on display For it’ll be easier for me To walk through the house Without getting teary-eyed stuck At each framed picture on the table And forgetting where I was going. 5. Don’t cook so many delicious meals for me As it will only make me gag On what I’ll be making myself When you’re gone And make me cry When I’m staring across the table At your empty chair. 6. Don’t pretty yourself up too much As I don’t want to have to see your darling face In every mirror I pass. 7. Don’t be so good to me now As it will only make it All that harder for me later When you’re gone. *****

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y I Can Wait 4-6-2014 The danger of a premature performance. _____ 1. Don’t rush me out on stage For a premature performance of my works. Don’t entice me With hopes of fame and fortune In my lifetime And have me risk a crushing failure From which I might never recover. 2. I’m prepared to wait for their premieres When I’m gone and safely insulated From whatever bad reviews they might draw. 3. I’m content to live On all the hopes and dreams I have for them For the future Rather than risk the heartbreak Of the possible bad reviews Of a premature performance now − So I can wait. *****

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y Boxer, Gladiator 8-8-1999 Gladiator mentality. His only way to achieve some glory. _____ 1. The boxer’s in a fight he cannot win. He swings and tries to land his blows as best he can But he’s hit more times than he’s not And bleeding badly now. 2. His loved ones cry out to him to stop But as the simple animal that he is He’s programmed not to think so much But rather just to brave it out And take it like a man. 3. And just like an animal Even though he knows the fight is futile He can’t − or won’t − do anything to stop it.

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4. So on and on he fights As his poor specie often does For to them Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s honor in dying for the cause And one of the few ways to gain any recognition Or any claim to any kind of glory. 5. So just like a peasant dying for his King, A crusader for his God, Or a gladiator for the crowd This is the only way That he can ever ascend To anything more noble In his pre-destined and sorry life. *****

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y Two Open Questions (A Verdict Now Or Later?) 8-8-1999 Apprehensive about how his works will be judged. (The “he” in this poem is “me.”) _____ 1. He kept his works to himself − All that work Kept secret. 2. He didn’t want to show his work to anyone For he was never sure How’d well they’d be received. So he kept them to himself − “At least for now,” That’s what he always told himself, “At least for now.”

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3. He used to dream about the day That heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d unveil them But it scared him When he thought about What the verdict might be. What if they were flatly rejected? What if all those years of work Were all for naught? Would he be able to handle that? 4. So for now he thought it better To continue to keep them secret And just leave them to his loved ones When the life goes out of him. 5. He always worried about Which might be the better Or which might be worse? A verdict now? Or a verdict after he is gone? 6. Two open and pressing questions Looking for an answer â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Or maybe not. *****

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y The Straddlers 8-10-1999 On caution, haste and indecision. _____ 1. The elders – Burdened by the memories Of all the bad decisions they’ve made in the past − Are overly cautious and apprehensive And cast their vote: “Against!” 2. The young – On the other hand Make their decisions with lightning speed. Unencumbered by either caution or experience They impulsively decide and act without debate And cast their vote: “For!”

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3. Then there are The straddlers − Who are in between, Unsure of themselves, Never clear on any of the issues And always having multiple opinions But never a conviction And who vote: To “Postpone!” 4. Oh those straddlers – What an interesting lot they are – Always quick to argue, “On the one hand…” And then immediately follow with, “But then again, on the other hand…” 5. On those straddlers − Always rigging the game for the draw And never going for the win; Making equalizing truths Out of inequalities; Making airy suppositions Without any solid underlying theory; Aiming to prolong Rather than conclude.

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6. Oh those straddlers − Always ready to reverse their last conclusion; Pencils first Erasers next; Driving East Then making U-turns to the West; Summing all the pluses and the minuses And coming out to zero; Debating and debating But never choosing; Sitting high in their saddles But never spurring their horses on; Always indecisive And waiting to be lead. 7. Oh those straddlers − For wouldn’t you know it That when it finally comes for them to vote again They decide not to vote at all But rather: “To Abstain!” *****

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y Mother Earth (Queen Moon) 9-9-2000 We personify and beautify many things. _____ 1. Looking up I saw the clouds Passing by the Moon Like guests in a royal receiving line. And as each one passed They bowed and kissed the hand of the Moon, Her Majesty the Queen. 2. As beautiful and majestic as I saw the Queen In my fantasy mind and romantic heart I also saw her for what she really was â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Just a tiny barren rock in space That by chance had found itself Neatly circling the Earth Governed by a simple set Of unemotional laws of physics.

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3. But even knowing The stark, cold and scientific realities about her I can’t help but push all that aside And with trumpets blaring in her honor Escort her to her throne, Kneel before her, And pledge my loyalty to her As my beautiful and gracious Queen. 4. I also saw our Earth for what she was too − Just another rock in space With a thin egg-shell skin of air around it Representing both our biosphere That our little insect lives suckle off And our little strip of insulation That protects us from both the heat of our hellish Sun And from the freezing cold of outer space. 5. But even with that harsh and unadoring picture I can’t help seeing her as I see the Moon − As something much more than just a rock in space But rather as a dear and caring Mother.

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6. Oh Mother Earth − You tiny speck of almost nothing In a massive galaxy of stars and cosmic dust Moving through a cold and empty endless void of space At an incomprehensible speed of 67,000 miles per hour − You present such mystery and wonder to us And raise so many questions in our minds That beg for answers. 7. For example, Mother Earth At the rapid speed you’re going How is it that we feel As though we’re just standing still? And how is it that at that speed That we and everything else on your surface Just doesn’t fly right off? Oh Mother Earth While you show us, your awe-struck children, All your magic tricks You never tell us how they’re done. 8. I’m always amazed as to how we can survive In this tough cosmic neighborhood we live in − In this vast, endless, and hostile Universe − With just you, our little fragile Mother Earth protecting us With only that gossamer veil of atmosphere as our shield. And should you turn away from us − Even for a moment − I know that space would take us in a second.

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9. I saw everything In its cold and scientific perspective And understand the stark reality of it all In that we’re all just in a cosmic ghetto Where our Mother and our Queen and us Are always at risk And that our complete extinctions Could come at any time. I also understand that even if it did It would mean absolutely nothing To this massive and impersonal Universe That we are in. 10. But even so − Even with things so fragile, cold and threatening − I can’t but somehow think – Just by looking at you two And your regal glory − That everything is friendly and beautiful And will stay that way forever.

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11. Oh yes, dear Earth and Moon While itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s true that you are each Little more than two rocks flying around in circles In black-cold hostile space Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also true That to us You are beautiful and majestic And will always be our loving Mother And our gracious Queen. *****

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y The Cabo Frio Light 10-1-2000 One night in 1979, I sailed 65 miles up the coast of Brazil alone in my little 22 foot sailboat, which had no navigation lights, charts, compass or radio, as they were prohibited to foreigners for national security reasons. I therefore had to navigate by sound. When the surf sounded too loud, I turned away and sailed out to sea. When it sounded too faint, I sailed in towards the shore. In effect I was sounding my way along the coast. Over the course of the night the seas became rough and threatening making the trip scary and so tiring that I even began hallucinating toward the end. When I finally saw the Cabo Frio Light House, I was so relieved, for at least I knew roughly where I was. (I have a painting depicting that scary trip and every time I look at it I get that same old scared feeling that I had that night.) _____ 1. I was sailing alone Up the coast of Brazil In my little 22 foot sailboat. I started out in the early evening. 2. Then darkness came And threw its cloak over us And by the time the night had fully set in The sea had turned black, rough and threatening.

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3. Without a moon I could hardly see a thing And felt a mob of fears Come over me. 4. The sea got rougher as the night progressed And dark white-capped waves Threw me about the boat Knocking me from side to side Like a gang of bullies would. 5. It was a hard, long and lonely sail Along the rocky and unlit coast And as the waves got bigger I wondered if my boat could stand up against This big, black and growling Atlantic Ocean I was in. 6. Then I saw it! Two hours before dawn! It was the Cabo Frio Light! The one that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d been looking for! The one that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d been praying for!

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7. Though still far away from land – For the wind and current Had set me far off shore to the East − I grabbed that light With my bulging eyes − Eyes that were tired from the wind And burning from the salt − And wouldn’t let go of it! 8. From fatigue and lack of sleep I began to hallucinate a little But still held on to that light. 9. While my fatigue And all the elements of Wind, salt and the rough seas Tried to wrestle my eyes off that light I wouldn’t let go of it! I couldn’t lose it now For it was the only thing I had To offer to my fears. *****

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I Still Don’t Know The Ending (Thumbs Up? Or Thumbs Down?) 10-14-2000 Wondering how life will end for me. _____ 1. I always worry about the future And what it may hold For even though I’ve safely gotten by and through Many dangers in the past New ones always lie ahead − And even the old ones that I’ve safely passed Have a way of catching up again. 2. Though I’ve diverted every spear That’s been thrown my way so far I’m always wary of the next. 3. I always fear that on some fateful day Through some combination of The cunning strategy of a cruel and determined enemy Or a lack of vigilance, over confidence or misplaced trust by me Some well-aimed or errant spear May find its mark in me.

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4. The story of my life has been, “So far, so good.” But how will it end? How will the final chapters be written? Thumbs up? Or thumbs down? 5. I still don’t know the ending to my story. Will it have a happy ending? Or a tragic one? And who’s in control of that − The characters Or the author? 6. I always worry about the future And how things will end for me − Thumbs up? Or thumbs down? *****

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Memory, You’re Up To Your Old Tricks Again 3-21-2010 Memory is sometimes an unrelenting trickster. _____ 1. Oh Memory First you let me have you Then you don’t. What’s with you, anyway? Why do you have to play These tricks and games with me? 2. For example: One minute you’re kind And the next you’re mean. 3. Sometimes You give me the whole picture While other times You tease me with bits and pieces. 4. You’re also an Indian giver − Giving me something one minute Then taking it back the next.

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5. Sometimes you conjure up pleasant memories That make me happy and upbeat But then you offset them With those that are sad and depressing. 6. And when I really need you You’re often not around. 7. And if I ask you for something You often give me such a hard time That it feels like I’m pulling teeth. 8. And should I ask you for something specific You often indiscriminately throw things out at me That have absolutely nothing to do With what I asked you for. 9. And when I need you to be serious You just want to fool around. 10. At times you’re very argumentative Insisting that you delivered Exactly what I asked for When in fact you hadn’t.

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11. And what I get from you at times Is very unpredictable And like a crap shoot Where there’s just no telling What the roll will bring. 12. And while you're sometimes Very attentive to my requests I all too often Find you asleep at the switch. 13. And as far as reliability is concerned I can never depend on you When I really need you. 14. Furthermore, you’re very inconsistent In that some days you’re helpful and cooperative While other days you’re downright obstinate And fight me tooth and nail. 15. And here you are now, Memory When I really need your help You’ve decided to play games with me And give me a hard time again. 16. Here you are, Memory Up to your old tricks again. ***** 433

I’m Going In (On Moods) 3-26-2010 Trying to avoid going into a mood. _____ 1. There it is again Right in front of me − One of my moods Trying to get me again. 2. When I go left To try to get around it It goes left. When I go right It goes right. 3. When I look away Its eyes remain fixed on me. 4. When I try to stare it down It makes me blink.

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5. When I run away It runs after me. Even if I zigzag It’s able to anticipate my every move. 6. When I try to ignore it It says, “Psst” And catches my attention. 7. And despite my efforts Not to listen to it It seduces me With its cunning rhetoric 8. Despite all my defenses It knows all the buzzwords And all the right buttons to push To exploit my every weakness.. 9. So what can I do? I can’t seem to get away from it No matter what I do. 10. So here I go. “I’m going in − Going in to one of my moods again!” ***** 435

y Just By Our Association 5-1-2001 We are insignificant as well as significant. _____ 1. I’m sitting on the back porch sofa Looking out into the night Captivated by the moonlight Painted on the surfaces Of all the leaves and branches Of every bush and tree. 2. And as I study it I’m reminded Of where it’s coming from. 3. So I raise my eyes and mind − And ascend Past the trees, clouds and atmosphere And past the solar system Until I arrive in deep, deep outer space – In a Universe Of a hundred billion galaxies In a black and endless sea.

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4. I’ve never been rooted in this world But rather always out there Among the stars. 5. But soon I’m back And sitting on the sofa again Realizing all the more Just how small and insignificant we are When compared to this endless Cosmos we are in − But at the same time How significant we are Just by being a part of it – Just by association. *****

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y Just Before I Go To Sleep I Think About My Life 7-21-2001 A glass of wine is my end-of-day reward and evening companion. _____ 1. Both Vi and the kids Are in their rooms Sound asleep. 2. And me? I’m sitting by the window In the dark With the cool air brushing over me Drawn in by the attic fan Set on low Drinking my nightly glass of wine Just before I go to sleep. 3. It’s here and now – Alone and in the dark And thinking introspectively That I have the best sense of myself − The best sense of this thing called “me.”

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4. My glass of wine Is my little end-of-day reward For getting through the day. It’s also my reflecting mirror Of all things past. And it’s my crystal ball into the future To help me see what may be up ahead for me. 5. My glass of wine is my wishing well That I stare into And make my wishes. 6. So here I sit Squarely centered Between my Past and my Future − The Past on my left, The Future on my right, And me in the Present Right in the middle 7. So here I sit each night Alone in the dark With my little glass of wine – My evening companion − Reflecting upon my life Backwards and forwards Just before I go to sleep. *****

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y Fluff Up My Pillow (Manila) 8-15-2001 I hope to face Death bravely and smiling. (Written on our family trip to the Philippines.) _____ 1. Fluff up my pillow And sit me up straight So I can wait alert and proper For Death’s arrival. 2. Prop me up so I can greet This thing called Death With the proper protocol. 3. And when it comes I’ll greet it with both a smile and a sigh As I would for a long-expected friend. 4. I’ll wait for it As a dog waits for its master − Ears up and staring at the door.

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5. Fluff up my pillow So I can fully engage its eyes, Take its hand, And start my voyage From this life into the next In good and honorable decorum. 6. Prop up my pillow And let Death see me Alert, attentive And waiting at my bravest best. *****

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y Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend 10-8-2001 What I see in my evening glass of wine. _____ 1. Oh Wine You are the best friend that I ever had. You are my faithful and silent supporter. You know your place and never talk back And only speak when spoken to. You’re also a patient listener No matter how long I go on. 2. Oh Wine You are also reliable and dependable And always there for me whenever I need you. You’re also my confidant For I can tell you anything and everything And know you’ll keep it secret. And although you can’t talk You always give me good advice.

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3. Oh Wine You help me make it through my day Because I know you’re there at home Waiting for me. You’re also very patient with me And never get upset No matter how late I get home. 4. Oh Wine When I finally do get home from work You help me unwind By keeping me company And letting me tell you all about my day. And, most importantly, When I’m ready to go to bed You tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story Then sprinkle sand in my eyes And put me fast asleep. 5. Oh Wine You help me celebrate All the battles that I’ve won And console me On all the ones I’ve lost. 6. Oh Wine You’re also my beautiful mistress Who loves me through the night But is discreetly gone by morning.

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7. Oh Wine You are the best friend That I ever had And sometimes My only friend. *****

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To Her − To Him 11-13-2001 What she sees as negative he sees as positive. _____ 1. To her, it’s an ugly wart. To him, it’s a beauty mark. 2. To her, she lacks self-confidence. To him, she’s just naturally shy. 3. To her, she feels she’s too sensitive about things. To him, it’s just a sweet endearing vulnerability. 4. To her, her ups and downs are disconcerting. To him, they’re only charming varieties of mood. 5. To her, her words don’t come out right. To him, all her mistakes are cute and loveable. 6. To her, she cannot make decisions. To him, he feels that he’ll always wear the pants.

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7. To her, she’s too dependent. To him, he likes to know he’ll always be needed. 8. To her, she’s so naïve about everything. To him, he rather calls it innocence. 9. To her, she’s timid and all too quiet. To him, it’s just her sweet femininity. 10. To her, she’s never been demanding enough. To him, he knows she’ll give him peace of mind. 11. To her, she’s never been that smart. To him, she makes him feel secure. 12. To her, she’s all too introverted. To him, he knows he’ll never be upstaged. 13. To her, she has little grace or poise. To him, she’s down to earth and has no airs. 14. To her, she’s not so pretty or attractive. To him, he knows she’ll not be wooed away.

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15. To her, she’s not as socially graced as she’d like to be. To him, she’ll always be there at home for him. 16. To her, she’s not pretty enough for anyone to want to marry her But to him, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world And who he’ll one day ask to be his wife. *****

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y We Are Of Little Consequence 1-7-2002 How inconsequential we are compared to the Universe. _____ 1. How insignificant we are − Merely microscopic organisms Crawling around on a tiny grain of sand Lost and invisible In an infinite Universe. 2. If a candle went out in Africa What would it matter to the world? It wouldn’t. 3. If all of life on Earth Were to become extinct − Or even if our entire planet were to disappear − What would it matter to the Universe? It wouldn’t, either. *****

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y A Song That Everybody Sings 2-8-2002 To be remembered for something no matter how small. _____ 1. To write one song That everybody sings. ~ One saying That everybody quotes. ~ One poem That everyone recites. ~ One painting That everyone admires. ~ One thing That everybody remembers. ~ A new star That everybody points to. ~ 2. All I want in life Is to be remembered For one little thing.

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3. No matter how unlikely that may be I believe That with the confluence of Perseverance, time and luck Anything is possible − Which is what keeps me trying. 4. Out of a thousand failures All you need is one success − One lucky stumble onto something great − One simple little song that just comes to you − And that now Everybody sings. *****

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y Questions, Questions 2-14-2002 Questions about life, meaning, reality and perception. _____ 1. Can a thought touch you on the shoulder? 2. Can heaven send a message? 3. Does even dust have a soul? 4. Can energy ever be destroyed? 5. Does the spirit decompose just as the body does? Or does it really live forever as weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re taught? 6. Is there such a thing as Time? Or Good? Or Evil? 7. Does music truly reflect oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s soul? Or is it nothing more than sound?

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8. Is there any purpose to our lives? Or do we only just exist? 9. Is mathematics just a clever game? Or does it really rule the universe? 10. Does love exist? Or is it just a higher form of sex? 11. Is there a God looking over us? Or are we really on our own? 12. Is everything we see reality? Or just perception? 13. Does it matter what I write â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Or even that I write at all? 14. Does anything Really matter At all? *****

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y Keep Your Jewels (They’re No Match For Her Beads Of Colored Glass) 3-19-2002 A preference for unadorned simplicity. _____ 1. Show off your fine expensive rings and necklaces. Flash them in front of me. Catch my attention With your attention-getting laughs And your sultry smile. And promenade yourself As a peacock would. 2. Yes I’ve noticed them – and you. And yes I know how expensive and beautiful they are And the impressive draw They normally have on most − But not on me.

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3. For me My eyes are on The one who wears those simple beads of colored glass; The one who never draws attention to herself; The one whose eyes are always slightly lowered; The quiet, shy and silent one. She’s the one that I’m attracted to She’s the one I’m looking for. 4. You can’t impress me With who you are and what you wear For my heart and mind are focused somewhere else − On something much more genuine and unassuming. 5. So keep your diamonds and your jewels And all the things you have That sparkle and allure For they’re just no contest For the girl who wears Those simple beads of colored glass. *****

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y Graffiti Wars 3-20-2002 I get so upset when I see graffiti on buildings. ______ 1. I’m on the train Looking out the window And seeing graffiti everywhere. 2. It’s very painful for me To see so many buildings Defaced and scarred. 3. It’s like a war Where each attack claims another victim − Where building after building Fall like wounded soldiers On a bloody battle field. 4. Each defacement is an open wound That’s hard for me to look at Without feeling sick and angry in my gut. I’m not made For this kind of war. *****

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y Trying To Find The Words 3-24-2002 My restless late-night writings. _____ 1. Although it’s late I’m still awake Trying to find the words For what I want to write. 2. I just can’t get to sleep For there are so many things That are brawling in my head And trying to get out and onto paper. 3. So I sip my wine Watch a little TV Get up and pace the floor a bit To try and coax things out of me.

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4. I blankly stare ahead Thinking, thinking Searching, searching For the proper words to write − Searching for the words that agitate inside of me And compete amongst themselves To represent my feelings. 5. Several times I call my Muse Begging for help But she’s ignoring me right now. 6. So tonight It looks as though I’m on my own With just my own crude devices With which to work things out. 7. So with that being the case It looks as though It will take a lot more time And a few more glasses of wine. *****

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y Safely In Their Graves 3-26-2002 Peace takes many forms. _____ 1. While riding on the train I passed a cemetery And noticed all the colored flowers On the graves. 2. The graves were all lined up In neat and even rows And seemed so organized and peaceful. 3. “Look at all those lucky people”, I thought to myself, “Who are finally free Of all the worries of the world.” 4. In many ways I envied them − All those lucky people − Neatly tucked away And safely in their graves. *****

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My Gentlemen’s Club 4-8-2002 My personal and private club. _____ 1. When it’s late and Mom’s asleep I sit by the window In the corner of the room And sip a glass of wine. 2. I sit in the dark silence Sipping my wine and reflecting While I wait for my eyes to adjust And the muted shapes within it To gain their confidence And begin to emerge. 3. Soon they do And I’m in the sitting room Of my private gentlemen’s club And the waiter just asked me If I wanted anything else.

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4. My room is my private gentlemen’s club − The one with the high-backed leather chairs, Floor-to-ceiling windows, Walls of paneled wood, precious hanging art, Persian rugs, and antique table lamps. 5. Here at my club It’s so nice and quiet – Perfect for my quiet dreams And soft reflections. 6. Also The dress code is very informal So much so That I can even be there In my pajamas. 7. The accommodations are great as well For my guest bed Is right there next to me Ready and waiting. 8. What’s also grand about my club Is that it’s open all the time.

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9. And finally The fees are very reasonable And I have a paid-up lifetime membership. 10. Soon I notice that my drink is gone Which makes me feel As though I’d lost a friend. Should I make a new one And stay a little longer? Or should I just turn in? 11. Since I’ve drunk my quota And kept the staff up long enough I think I’ll just turn in And call it a night. 12. But not to worry though − For there’s always tomorrow When I’ll be back again. *****

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y Have I Found My Peace Of Mind? (A Trophy Until The Next Event) 6-20-2002 Something only short-lived. _____ 1. It began like any other day With my aches, pains and worries Competing for my peace. 2. But then, like a wave An awareness flooded over me Wherein I caught a rare glimpse Of the beauty and wonders of Life itself That made all my worries seem so petty. 3. Life was not a puzzle anymore And I saw it in a whole new way. I saw: The beauty of the sun and clouds, The wonder of a blade of grass, The joy of merely living, The realization that suffering is just a part of Life, And that the decisions of Fate â&#x2C6;&#x2019; As unfair and harsh as they may be â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Should not be taken personally.

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4. Have I found a working truce Between my competing worries? Have I found the great elixir? The secret formula of life? The perfect attitude for living life? 5. Have I found contentment And reconciliation? Have I found my inner peace? Have I found my soul? 6. But even if I have found That illusive peace of mind – That inner peace − I know I couldn’t keep it for long For it’s just a kind of trophy That you win and hold for a while Until you lose it In the next event. *****

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y Retirement (On The Other Hand) (To My Family) 2-18-2011 Some early observations about retirement. _____ 1. On the one hand Retirement means: Not having to get up so early and dress in the dark; Not having to wear suits and ties anymore; Not getting up at 4:30 to catch the 5:18 train; Not having to commute 5 ½ hours a day; Not getting home at 9:30 at night; Watching my children go off to work instead of me; Having my day more under my control than of others; And, after noticing a crack in the wall Being able to say to myself with confidence, “I’m gonna take care of that today.” 2. But on the other hand Retirement also means: Feeling a little old and unproductive; Being less challenged without the demands of a job; No longer having a boss And conversely no longer being a boss; And not being able to tell the difference Between a Sunday and a Monday.

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3. And retirement also means Talking and complaining about: All my aches and pains And all the medicines I have to take; The difficulty in getting up after sitting a while; Not being able to remember what I was just about to say; Seeing more in my rear view mirror than of the road ahead; And of course retirement means Seeing the whole world getting younger. 4. But on the other, other hand Retirement also means: Looking back at some of what Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve accomplished; Feeling good for having provided financial security for the family; And having the time and means to do some of the things That Vi and I had planned to do Which includes Enjoying our lovely home and grounds And taking some trips here and there together. 5. Retirement also means: Growing old with the one you love And having your children stand by you In your elderly years.

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6. Finally Retirement means That itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a brand new platform For the next phase of my life Which makes it kind of exciting But also Since itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the last phase of my life Kind of scary too. *****

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y Taking It To His Afterlife 4-14-2014 Reviewing his life. _____ 1. Now on his dying bed He’s reviewing his life. 2. While he lived and struggled through life He always felt that it was long and hard And always took it for granted. But now that it’s almost over He realizes How short, precious and fragile it really is. 3. He’s remembering all the things in his life. He’s remembering all the places he’s traveled to And the things he’s done. He’s remembering the good woman he married, The home they bought, And his children’s voices in all its rooms. And he’s remembering all the things That he’ll be leaving behind.

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4. Like the pharos took their things with them To their afterlife − He wished that he could take All the precious things in his life with him To his afterlife. 5. This is what he wished for As he lays there Looking up at the ceiling − Looking up at the ceiling But seeing through and past it And far out into the black and endless Universe Wondering if that’s where he’d be going Or just to a muddy grave. *****

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y One Sour Word 5-5-2014 A bad word really stands out. _____ 1. When you write â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Whether it be prose or poetry â&#x2C6;&#x2019; Be careful of that incorrect or imprecise word That you might use As it will stand out As bad, obvious and accusing As a sour note in music. 2. That one imprecise or unfit word you use Will be as obvious As a person who stands up in the audience. 3. One inappropriate or awkward word Will be so distractive That it will stand out Like a piece of spinach on your tooth, A loud burp in a quiet room, Or a bright red stain on a clean white shirt.

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4. One sour word Will produce A thousand contorted faces. 5. One sour word Is a word that can never be taken back And one that will unfortunately be remembered Over all the others. 6. So be careful of That one inappropriate or awkward word For it will stand out As bad, obvious and accusing As a sour note in music. *****

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y Life Was Imposed On Us 4-17-2014 We didn’t have a choice with life. _____ 1. We didn’t have a choice with life. It was imposed upon us. 2. No one asked us if we wanted to try life. No one explained its pros and cons. No one advised us of our rights. No one asked our permission. It was just imposed upon us. 3. So the only choice we have now Is just to accept and muddle through it… Or...call it quits. 4. What’s with this world of ours With all its presumptiveness? *****

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y Just Right Around The Corner 9-27-2014 Gone but not really. _____ 1. Although I’ve broken up with her I find strange comfort in knowing That she’s just right around the corner from me. 2. If I’d really broken up with her And was honestly trying get over her Why didn’t I move farther away Than just right around the corner? 3. Although I tell myself That I’m free of her Have I really let her go? − Or am I Just white-lying to myself? 4. Although it’s a break It may not be a clean break. Although she’s gone She’s maybe not Really gone.

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5. I keep telling myself That Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m over her. But why then Am I happy knowing That sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just right around the corner? *****

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y The Death Of Summer 10-2-2014 Fall didn’t seem the same this year. _____ 1. Normally I looked at Fall As a happy and celebratory time of year With its crisp refreshing air And its beautifully colored show of leaves. 2. But somehow this year It feels different. 3. For some reason Rather than celebrating it As the Birth of Fall I’m lamenting it As the Death of Summer. 4. Somehow I’m seeing the falling leaves More as fallen soldiers Rather than As beautiful aerial displays of color.

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5. Somehow this year Instead of seeing it As the Grand Opening of Fall I’m seeing it As a Wake for Summer. 6. I don’t recall ever feeling this way before Which makes we wonder If it’s just a one-off moody thing with me this year Or something more profound. *****

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