Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume 21 - Poems for Lulu

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 21 2018

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f Dedication

To my family

Neil Michelsen 2017

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f Preface

I began writing in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17. That was the year my mother died with my first poem being about her death.

I started out writing traditional or classical style poetry with strict form, rhyming and meter. Later, while the poems had meter, they became less classical in form and more like what might be called blank verse. Later, many of the poems took the form of essays or plain old story-telling but in metered form. As with all my poems, they represent my observations, experiences and personal feelings.

And as I age, more of them are about aging.

1,900 poems were written between 1960 and 2017 and compiled in a self-published series of 20 hard bound books. Volume 19 represented a selection of poems from Volumes 1-18 that I thought were my better ones and or personally more meaningful to me. This volume, Volume 21, is a continuation of that series and contains an additional 118 poems written in 2018, bringing the total to about 2,000 poems.

The poems herein are presented in the order that I felt had better poetic style, subject matter and or personal meaning to me.

I apologize for any unintended offense with anything I’ve written.

Also, not being professionally edited, please excuse any deficiencies in poetic form, grammar, typos or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my personal journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and little marks in life, as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

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Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. The Empty House Across The Road 2. Some Things Never Change 3. The Splinter 4. It Had Crossed My Mind (On My Father) 5. Reading Together 6. My Unfinished Portrait 7. The Perfect Age 8. In The Silent Dark 9. Worry And Guess 10. She's Not Upstairs (On Vi) 11. My Angel Escorts (On Mom, Leandra And Kerry) 12. My Second Breakfast (On Vi) 13. An Anxious Waiting Game 14. What Is Your Game (On Billy "Bo" Boshinski) 15. An Afternoon Sun On My Face 16. Decision Making 17. The Long Line 18. Where Is The Moon?

19. He Stopped The Car And Cried 20. The Architecture Of The Winter Tress 21. Many Roads To Heaven 22. The Invisible Elephant (On Tom Carroll's Memorial) 23. My Annual Checkup (Check The Tires Too) 24. A Movie In Black And White 25. She Wasn't, But She Was 26. The Light Went Down The Drain 27. It's A Different Moon 28. The First Snow Flake Of Winter 29. With All The Drinks I Bought 30. I Wish I Had A Lawn 31. For The Sake Of Aesthetics 32. Never Meant To Be? (On My Father) 33. A Cold November Rain (Holding Its Breath) 34. Unintended Consequences

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Itching To Take A Shower (When Nature Calls) Drafting Poems At Night Another X On The Calendar With A Few More Hours Of Sleep

Like An Old Piece Of Farm Equipment Not Wanting To Live Too Long Something's There Old Home Movies A Protocol Hug Goodbye For Her Or For Me? We All Suffer Alike Panophobia Leashed To Time A Personal Religion Just His Time To Go "Paulie", The "Wannabe" He Was James Bond Anton (Prepare Yourself) Where's The Good Stuff Gone?

Depressing Thoughts A Slight Change In Ritual A Partial Resignation Bobby Leveled Off At High School Come Early − Leave Late The Empty Wheelchair Was He Was Glad To See Me Leave? (On My Father) The Conversation Turned The Scary-Faced Future Vials Of Aristocracy Spring To The Rescue Self Help

The Turtle Small Body, Long Tail "Have They Told You Anything?" (On Christine)

Why Did You Have To Be So Good?

Siamese Twins (On Life And Death) Night Hawk I Feel My Heart At Night Now, My Customers Our Pet Rabbit Longevity Killing A Cold

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A Crying Shame Rest Stops (On Dad) Two Grandpas Old Men's Foreheads "You Should Have Seen The Other Guy" That Perfect Piece Of Music A Dead Bee More Mellow Or More Grumpy Leaning Into The Wind A Private Communion Mysterianism Purely Linear A Tiny Bell Reincarnation "When I Leave This World" Frieda Abracheff You Pay For Privilege Nose Dive Just Duck And Shoot Why Even Try? The Biker-Minister (On Joe Rasile, Jr.) All Debts Come Due Names Why "Tom" And Not "Dad"? (On Tom Carroll) I'm My Own Shrink One Time Use The Work After Composing My Proxy Voice (On Katarina Boudreaux) Marks Of Character The Solicitor-Beggar My Piano Composing Music Why Do They Call It A Wake?

Their Love Had Changed We All Roll Over On Our Backs Never To See The Light Of Day Keeping Busy Mutually (On Vi And Me) Phrases And Quotes That Impressed Me Self-Righteous Liberals Music And Gravity Cutting Off My Nose (On Vi) "Why Don't You Market Them?"

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Poems of Neil Michelsen 2018

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The Empty House Across The Road 1-14-2018 Life moves on unsympathetically. _____ 1.

I watched as the family members Removed all the contents From the house across the road Where that old man used to live.

2.

I saw the dumpster arrive And watched it fill with all the things no one wanted As well as with all the cuttings and scraps From the renovations that were being made To get the house ready for sale.

3.

At night when I looked across the road Everything was dark and eerie looking Compared to how it used to look When the windows were filled with light and life Which gave me a sad and empty feeling.

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4.

As I continued to look at it My mind projected itself to the time When a new family would be moving in And the lights would come on again.

5.

And as I thought about it further and deeper My mind projected itself even further in time To the day when that new family Would be looking across the road At our house And seeing the same transition That I just saw Where one day Our lights would go out And our house would be emptied And everything about us Would be erased and sanitized away For the strangers That would take our places.

6.

Life moves on Cold and unsympathetically. *****

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Some Things Never Change 2-23-2018 Meeting an old girl friend. _____ 1.

After so many years without any contact He just happened to run into her.

She was his old girlfriend − The one he could never be with But also could never forget.

2.

She had stolen his heart And never gave it back And despite how much he told himself otherwise He never really wanted it back And rather just wanted her to keep it.

3.

Even though she was old now And showing all her years − And even though she still had all the traits That undermined their love before There was still that something about her − Irrational and painful as it was − That drew him to her And from which he'd never escape.

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4.

When he touched her hand It was electrifying And it went all through his body Just like back in the day.

5.

The longer he looked into That old and wrinkled face The more the ravages of time melted away Until he ultimately came to The young and petal-soft face In the photograph that he kept of her In his top desk drawer.

6.

It was unimaginable to him That he could still feel this way Even to the delusional point where he felt That they might even be able to pick up Where they left off − As if all the intervening years Never were.

But it shouldn't have been That much of surprise to him: For some things, never change.

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7.

He was not only back with her But back in time − He and she were young again And today, was yesterday.

8.

But just like back in the day There was that huge tail that always wagged the dog − That ghost that always haunted them − That ball and chain that was always tied to their legs − That incurable sickness for which there was no cure − That thing that always kept their love from having a natural life Because some things, never change.

9.

Yes, they had a beautiful rendezvous On that warm Spring day That they never wanted to have end.

But it did end And died with another heartbreak Because some things, never change. *****

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The Splinter 3-3-2018 A self-tortuous characteristic. _____ 1.

He got an email And there was something in it That was a slight − At least that's the way he took it.

He was easily hurt And prone to strike back.

2.

He stewed over this email As he did with other things like that For that was his nature.

3.

Then began the analysis and debate As to who and what started it?

He, or they?

And how to respond?

In a conciliatory manner Or in revenge?

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4.

He thought about it all the time.

And even if it was in fact a small thing It was a big thing to him.

It was a splinter in his finger Which, as small as it was, Hurt and was something That he just couldn't ignore Until it was removed.

5.

He thought about it all the time.

He stewed about it.

He was pre-occupied with it Just like with all such incidents in his life.

6.

He was always thinking about it And always trying to decide how he should respond: If he should fire back and get his revenge Or try to mitigate things Or even just let it go.

7.

The ball was in his court.

It was his move.

The pressure was on.

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8.

No matter what he was working on This incident always inserted itself to the fore − Always interrupting his work Train of thought And peace of mind.

9.

He was always licking his wounds − Always stewing and strategizing − Always working on a comeback And never letting it go.

He was always picking at that splinter. ~ Oh how his sensitivities Dominated and tortured his life.

But that was him − Always picking at some splinter.

*****

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It Had Crossed My Mind (On My Father) 6-20-2018 Were we blessings or curses? _____ 1.

When my mother was alive I'm sure my father looked at us His children As blessings.

But when she died I wondered if From the burden of having to raise us Alone, depressed and financially strained We might have been looked at As curses.

2.

I never overtly saw anything That made me believe That we might have been looked at In that sour way But it had crossed my mind. *****

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Reading Together 2-28-2018 A continuing relationship of a son with his father. _____ 1.

When his father died he left many books.

His father was a reader And a reader who loved the knowledge That books gave him.

2.

He was also a sensitive and impressionable reader − Always appreciative of The clever use of words, analogies and innuendos And expressive and proverbial phrases That touched him or stirred his imagination.

3.

He was always underlying or highlighting things And making notes in the margin.

Sometimes The pages were often so full of markings That it looked like a text book.

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4.

So as he read his father's books With all those notes, underlines and highlights He wasn't reading alone But rather He was reading With his father Together. *****

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My Unfinished Portrait 2-28-2018 Our portraits are always a work in process. _____ 1.

Who am I? I am both Who I think I am And what others think I am?

But all that subjectivity aside I am also Who I really am.

Both the art and science of life Is to get a fair blend Of all three of these aspects.

2.

As I go through life I am constantly painting my portrait.

Everything I do Is a brush stroke on the canvas Composed of what is observed by others And what I represent of myself.

And everything that I say or do − Every poem that I write − Every piece of music I compose − And every opinion about me good or bad Is another brush stroke.

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3.

My portrait will never be finished For even when I put it away in a distant corner Thinking it's finished I often glance at it and know that it's not And that it needs something more − Something that has to be either Added, subtracted, corrected or modified − Another brush stroke here − Another brush stroke there.

4.

And after all the effort In trying to make it a true portrait − A true representation of me − I know that there still may be conflicts Between the eye of the artist And the eye of the beholder.

5.

I've come to accept That my portrait may never be finished And may always be a work in progress And have reconciled myself to that fact − Mostly anyway.

6.

So there it sits in the corner − Finished or not finished − Depending on how or who looks at it. *****

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The Perfect Age 3-1-2018 A story from World War II. _____ 1.

He had just turned 17 And was at the threshold Of becoming a man.

2.

He was lucky As he'd safely made it past Infancy, boyhood and his early teens And was now on the cusp of 18 At which point he'd be a man And would have everything ahead of him.

3.

He had resisted the lure of the streets That snared so many in his neighborhood.

He had graduated high school And because of the inspiration of one teacher He was seriously thinking about going to college.

And because of that same teacher He even had a possible career in mind: Engineering.

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4.

He'd had some experience With the opposite sex Which made him further feel like a man.

And although that love was painful when it ended It was a life experience that tempered him Rather than soured him on love and relationships And was looking forward To finding Miss Right one day.

5.

Things were looking good.

He was on the threshold Of the next phase of his life − On the threshold of life itself.

6.

But then the war came And being at the perfect age To be a hero-soldier He wanted that additional chance To prove himself and become a real man So his parents signed him in.

They had reservations And counseled him not to But that's what he wanted.

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7.

After boot camp He was assigned to an overseas division That would land on and take back A tiny remote island in the Pacific A million miles from home.

8.

In the landing craft on its way to the beach He was scared and thought about home.

But this was the experience he wanted − He thought.

9.

The landing craft hit the beach with a thud Which jolted everyone forward.

It was the announcement that the time had come.

Then the heavy metal doors dropped down with a splash And the soldiers Most of who were just kids like he Charged out just as they'd been trained.

10.

All the soldiers who were ahead of him Were running in knee-deep water toward the beach But as soon as he left the craft And only getting one foot on the beach He was shot through the heart And killed instantly.

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11.

He had everything ahead of him Including age 18 But never got the chance to see it As he only made it to the threshold But not over it. ~ He was at the perfect threshold age − The perfect threshold age To start a good life as a man But unfortunately He was also at the perfect age To die. *****

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In The Silent Dark 3-1-2018 Reflecting on a special night. _____ 1.

I sit in the dark With my nightly glass of wine Looking out in my mind's eye At the panoramic view of my life On the stage of my room's ambient light.

2.

I have no control over my thoughts.

Nor do I try to give them any direction.

Whatever comes in the dark silence Comes on its own.

3.

I seem suspended − As if I'm drifting in the silence around me But yet, I think I hear voices That remind me of an old Navajo saying, "Even the silent wind has a voice."

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4.

I only get a vague glimpse of things In this silent dark.

But often, less is more And often, vagueness is better than clarity.

5.

Then I'm slowly awakened from my daze When the silence is broken By a light pelting of rain against the window.

6.

God, I feel so alive and content this night By myself But with the rain The dark And my little glass of wine. *****

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Worry And Guess 3-5-2018 Aging and wondering when my time will come. _____ 1.

At my age of almost 75 − And seeing so many of my peers Disappear over that cliff that's up ahead − I'm more aware of my vulnerability And the growing possibility That I may pass away anytime And without due warning.

2.

I think about it frequently Especially when I'm in bed − Thinking that there's always that chance That I won't wake up In the morning.

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3.

Lying in this state of apprehension I look around my room And become absorbed with the full realization That I'm surrounded by complete darkness And begin to wonder and fear About what may lurk within it Waiting to take me But more so What things may lie Beyond my death.

4.

Sometimes out of this fear I panic And begin to say A pathetic little prayer to God But then hesitate Thinking that I'm just being a chicken about it all As well as a hypocrite For praying to a God that I'm not even sure exists Just to cover my bases In the event there is in fact a God. 5.

It's a confusing and frightening state of affairs At this senior age in my life Knowing that my next breath and heartbeat May be my last − That the machine will one day Just stop running.

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6.

So I worry and guess − Guess and worry − Trying to figure What my shelf life is? − At what point will I be fully depreciated?

And when my number will be called?

7.

When and where will it happen?

In my sleep?

When I'm having my morning coffee?

Or while I'm sitting in front of the TV at night? ~ Guess and worry.

Worry and guess. *****

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She's Not Upstairs (On Vi) 3-5-2018 Thinking about a possible sad future. _____ 1.

I'm sitting here on the couch Reading my book.

It's peacefully quiet.

While I'm enjoying my private time alone I know that I'm not alone As I know that Vi's upstairs Watching her soap operas.

2.

But the quiet soon becomes Disquieting When I'm gently shaken awake from my security − The security that I'd come to take for granted − By the realization that Vi has passed away And there's no one upstairs Who'll ever be coming down And that in fact, I am alone.

3.

That peaceful quiet Is now an unsettling and unnerving quiet − A lonely and eerie quiet And a quiet enough to break your heart. ***** 23

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My Angel Escorts (On Mom, Leandra And Kerry) 1-4-2018 Imagining the way I'd like to go. _____ 1.

I've had a good life But that's now coming to an end For the machine is on its last legs And it's time for me to go.

2.

I sleep a lot now And I'm in and out of consciousness.

And even when I'm awake and conscious I'm not my old self And often out of touch with things.

3.

Each day I feel less and less alive.

Each day I feel that it may be my last.

Oh, where are my wife and kids?

I don't want to go Without them by my side.

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4.

Oh there you are my dearest ones − Mom, Kerry and Leandra − There you are All dressed in your flowing gowns of white Standing around my bed.

Thank god you've come.

5.

This is the end I've always hoped for: Where you'd all be present To pay your respects and say your goodbyes And be my escorts to see me off.

You are my angels And I am in your hands.

6.

Things are all so blurry now My hearing's almost gone And I feel I'm dizzy-light as a feather.

7.

While I know that you will be my angel escorts I also know that you can only go Half way with me At which point You'll have to hand me off.

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8.

Although I'll cry for losing you My tears will also be Tears of appreciation For having been fortunate enough To have you with me when I passed And seeing me half way.

9.

So as our fingers reach for each other Then touch and separate for the last time I'm off and gone And past the borders That you're not permitted to cross.

10.

Good bye dear ones.

Goodbye.

But please remember me though Through all the things I've left for you For I've made them all with you in mind Always knowing That this day would come.

11.

Goodbye dear ones And thank you For making my wish come true In being here with me When I passed away. *****

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My Second Breakfast (On Vi) 1-6-2018 A daily delight. _____ 1.

I get up very early And work on my poetry Do some financial planning Take care of some personal business or research Or do some personal reading In that precious quiet time of day.

2.

For breakfast I make myself A piece of buttered bread And a cup of black coffee 3.

But when Vi gets up And comes down for breakfast much later in the morning She makes herself something more substantial And asks me if I'd like to have some.

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4.

Her breakfast And my second breakfast Is so much better Than my Spartan first breakfast For it's composed of a variety of foods Has bigger portions Is cooked nice and hot Is full of color and taste Is healthier and more satisfying And is nicely laid out and presented − As nice as you'd get in a restaurant − Almost choreographed you might say.

5.

And what's even more appealing Is the fact That it's made with love. *****

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An Anxious Waiting Game (On Tom Scanlon) 1-25-2018 About aging and the death of an old friend. _____ 1.

I started out Running in a large, healthy And fast-moving herd of my peers.

2.

But over time The herd both thinned out And slowed down Until it was a mere shadow of itself.

3.

The herd used to be shoulder to shoulder And the hoofs used to sound like thunder.

But that was before.

4.

And further over time and aging The herd got even thinner Until there were only A few of us old timers left.

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5.

And now with so few of us left in the herd We more easily notice When one of us is picked off Or just disappears.

It's also more personal and telling.

6.

Over the years I've seen so many of my contemporaries − Friends and relatives alike − Falling around me.

And just the other day I saw an old and dear friend of mine Who had been running right next to me Drop and disappear Which brought home to me even more How close Death had come to me − How it brushed, right by me.

7.

Soon I'll hear a rifle shot that echoes my name And feel the bullet that has my name on it And that will fell me in my tracks And end my long trek with the herd.

8.

Looking both to my left and to my right It's a waiting game − An anxious and nerve-racking Waiting game. *****

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What Is Your Game?

(On Billy "Bo" Boshinski) 1-27-2018 Thinking of a guy in the old neighborhood. _____ 1.

Billy "Bo" Boshinski Was a kid that had polio For which there was no cure At the time And many kids were affected by it And left them crippled.

2.

Billy was one of them And had a left leg That was half the size of his right leg Which left him With a severe limp when he walked − Actually it was worse than that As he really couldn't walk But rather had to hop.

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3.

While he appeared to manage With his affliction It was embarrassingly obvious And no matter how much he tried to mask it He couldn't And always drew attention to himself.

4.

Having a greater understanding of life Now that I'm older When I look back and remember "Bo" I realize More than before How inferior and different he must have felt And how that affliction must have weighed on him.

5.

Oh Life What is your selection process?

How do you choose to inflict something on someone And not on the other?

What is your criteria?

What are the rules Of this cruel game of yours That you force us to play? *****

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An Afternoon Sun On My Face 2-1-2018 An afternoon nap. _____ 1.

I took a break from my writing Laid down on the couch Looked out the window And saw the setting afternoon sun In its trillionth decent since its inception 4 billion years ago.

2.

And, as it slowly crossed my line of vision I closed my eyes And accepted its warmth on my face.

3.

Oh what a beautiful, penetrating and warm feeling it was − Like a steaming hot towel placed on my face − Like the warm radiating heat from a wood-burning fire.

4.

Oh how this ball of fire That's both 93 million miles away Yet in the same room with me Was able to caress my tired and sleepy face And warm every chilly bone in my body. ***** 33

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Decision Making 2-1-2018 The gift of quick decision making. _____ 1.

He made decisions so quickly And so naturally That they seemed to be made For him Rather than by him.

2.

He didn't know how that all worked Or why it worked that way But it did − and seamlessly.

3.

Somehow his mind worked in a manner Where it went right to the end game − Right to a decision − Side-stepping the processes of Deliberation, comparisons and alternative considerations; Analysis, indecision, doubts and second thoughts; Concerns about ramifications and outcomes And a myriad of "what-ifs".

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4.

When he had to make a decision He just made it Or rather It just came to him Which he simply accepted as the correct one Never wavering or rethinking things.

And strangely − Or maybe not so strangely − The ratio of his good decisions over his bad decisions Was above average.

5.

Oh what a lucky man he was To be able to sidestep All the before and after angst and delays That go into decision making. ~ What switch did he have turned on That I don't? *****

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The Long Line 1-27-2018 An unfortunate way of life. _____ 1.

There was a factory complex in rural China Where row after row of workers Worked under hot, dusty and dim-lit conditions With no breaks for rest and rejuvenation And hardly any to even go to the bathroom.

And if someone did take a bathroom break It was held against him In points and or in pay So many just "held" it.

2.

I visited this factory complex − This sweat shop − This human slave plantation − And saw first-hand How long and hard these workers had to work Scarcely ever raising their heads For fear of being identified as someone Who "lacked concentration."

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3.

And when anyone fainted They scrambled right back to their positions Even before they fully recovered Fearful that they might lose their jobs.

A number had suffered such severe collapses That they had to be taken away bodily.

Some died later in the hospital And some even died there on the spot.

4.

I was appalled by what I saw And went over to the manager And told him that under these conditions It would be hard to find and retain good workers.

5.

How American-naive I was As the manager just smiled at me Took me outside And, pointing to a long line of workers, said, "These are all the new applicants Who are dying to take the place Of anyone who leaves."

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6.

I had no response to him For there wasn't anything That I could come up with Under the circumstances. ~ Different cultures.

Different times.

Different everything.

Maybe someday things will change here But not for a good while, I'm sure. *****

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Where Is The Moon?

3-13-2018 The fear of knowing the truth. _____ 1.

I know there's a moon in the sky Surrounded by stars But I can't see it And wonder why.

2.

Although I think I know I dare not whisper the answer For fear Of breathing life into it. *****

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He Stopped The Car And Cried 2-15-2018 Inspired by a scene from the tough New York-based movie, The 25th Hour, about 2 Irish kids from Brooklyn. _____ 1.

He let his son out of the car And he followed Not daring to look at him For fear of breaking down Knowing That he would never see him again.

2.

Then Standing in the street together He gave his son a hug With their hearts feeling each other's beat But at the same time Looking over his son's shoulder Into the empty and heartbreaking beyond That was looming.

3.

Trying not to make eye contact So he wouldn't breakdown in front of his son He forced himself away from their embrace And got back into his car.

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4.

He then drove away fast And at the first cross street He made a quick right.

5.

When he was far enough down that street To be out of sight of his son He pulled over and stopped the car With a jolt − Like when you pull back hard On the reins of a galloping horse.

Then with his head and hands on the steering wheel He cried like a baby − With his shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

6.

He cried for both himself And his son For they each Would never see each other again.

7.

He couldn't stop crying.

And when he felt a sharp pain in his chest He hoped that it was the sign Of a fatal heart attack coming on That would release him From the life he knew was ahead of him. *****

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The Architecture Of Winter Trees 3-17-2018 The amazing architecture of trees revealed. _____ 1.

Spring is coming Where soon All the intricate architecture of the bare Winter trees Would be covered up by leaves.

2.

I hold no grudge against Or disappointment with The arrival of the leaves For they too Have their own expressive beauty.

3.

But before the trees get fully dressed for Summer I enjoy studying their magnificent skeletal structures And all the organic engineering that went into their development.

4.

Look at how each bough and branch And each new-born stem Had twisted and contorted itself To find the sun.

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5.

And the result of all those individual And competitive efforts Is a beautiful and well-balance living structure − A skeleton of a hundred thousand joints and branches Pointing in a hundred thousand directions Each one of which having an instinctive mind of its own Aimed at finding the sun Amidst competition from all the others.

6.

As I study these awesome trees I can see that each one has been made From its own unique structural blueprint.

How magical.

How wonderful and interesting it is to look at.

How captivating it is to me To follow the paths of each branch To their current, but temporary, end points.

7.

After each branch completes its Summer reach It freezes in its place Paused like a still photo For my Winter admiration and study.

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8.

From their elephant-skin trunks To the little twigs that contain their waiting buds I am awestruck and enraptured With their intricacy and singular beauty.

I could look at them, all day And at their eerie moonlit shadows, all night.

9.

Oh Winter Thank you for allowing me The 3 month semester that you provide me To study the magnificent architecture of your Winter trees And for the mesmerizing wonder That they excite in me. *****

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Many Roads To Heaven 6-28-2018 No one true religion. _____ 1.

All religions Claim to be the one true religion That will save you.

2.

And sometimes you'll be told That if you're not in a particular religion You can't get to Heaven Which is similar to the ridiculous scenario Where when you ask for directions On how to get somewhere You are told, "You can't get there from here."

3.

The truth is There are many roads to Heaven And just as many, as there are to Hell. *****

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The Invisible Elephant (On Tom Carroll's Memorial Service) 7-20-2018 Although I knew him best, I couldn't say anything. _____ 1.

We were both business partners And friends And would frequently go out drinking And be comfortable talking about any subject.

But more than just being friends, I was his confidant Where he'd share all his stories, feelings and worries with me And ask for my opinion, advice and counsel On even the most private and personal matters.

2.

For 35 years it was like that But then As sometimes happens in life Even in the best of relationships We had a falling out.

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3.

When he died There was a memorial service for him But I wasn't on the invitation list But I went anyway Just to say good-bye And because I knew more about him Than anybody there.

4.

I listened to all the endearing stories they told about him But they were all just bits and pieces − Here and there stories − Anecdotal stories − Compared to the million touching stories That I could have told.

But I wasn't invited to speak.

5.

And while the kind words they spoke about him were very nice They were kind of shallow Compared to the heartfelt words that I could have spoken And were aching to get out.

6.

Having known him Much longer and more intimately than anyone there I had to sit there in sad and painful silence And be The invisible elephant in the room. *****

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My Annual Checkup (Check The Tires Too) 11-25-2018 How much life is left? _____ 1.

I went to the doctor For my annual checkup Where he checked My engine and transmission Air filter and carburetor Gas tank, muffler and emission controls Ball joints, suspension system, power steering My windshield wipers Headlights and directional signals And the engine oil and all the other vital fluids.

2.

Before I left I asked him to check my tires After which he reported That although they had a lot of wear on them They'd be good for another 10,000 miles. ~ I left the office Too afraid to ask what that meant. ***** 48

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A Movie In Black And White?

7-21-2018 Having no spice in life. _____ 1.

What if I had no indiscretions or made no mistakes in life?

What if I hadn't cheated here of there in love and taxes?

What if I never drank to excess?

What if I never ate fats or sweets?

What if I never gave in to a passion?

2.

If so, then As I lay on my death bed I'd have few exciting things To either remember or to brag about And I'd just slip away In death As unremarkable as I was In life.

3.

I'd be a meal without seasoning A book without any pictures − Or a movie In just plain old black and white. ***** 49

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She Wasn't, But She Was 3-21-2018 Love nonetheless. _____ 1.

It wasn't a romantic love But rather A respectful, grateful and dependable love But a love none the less.

2.

It wasn't the love That when he touched her It would send electricity through him But rather Something more anemic But love nevertheless.

3.

It wasn't a passionate love Or a showy, Hollywood or touchy-feely kind of love But rather one that was a low-keyed Stable and lasting love.

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4.

While he wished it were more exciting He was grateful for what he had And considered himself lucky.

5.

It wasn't a story book love Or the love of poems, dreams and fairy tales But it was love enough For the this real world of ours.

6.

How many Heartaches, heartbreaks and disappointments Have come to those who waited for The perfect love to come along Or who threw away what they had Because it wasn't perfect When they should have known That there never is an absolute "right" one Or a "perfect love".

7.

He on the other hand Was satisfied with what he had "settled" on And what turned out to be A good and lasting love − A reasonable love That he might have missed out on Had he been "too particular" − Had waited for that other train That might have never come in.

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8.

It wasn't a love That made his heart beat fast When she entered the room Or when she looked at him.

But it was a love Where he missed her When she wasn't around And saddened him When he thought of losing her Which said something for and about The love they had.

9.

And while it wasn't a love Where he never thought of anyone else It was a love Where he would never think of leaving her For anyone new.

10.

She wasn't the cameo face in the candle light That always brought romantic tears to his eyes But there were many times At their anniversary dinners for example When that did happen As he looked at her across the table.

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11.

One might flippantly say That it was a selfish love But that's not true either Because he sincerely cared for her And filled an emptiness in her That needed to be filled.

Furthermore They've been together for 50 years so far And if that's not love Then I don't know what is.

12.

It wasn't a love that was so deep and dependent Whereby her death would incapacitate him For the rest of his life But it was one where'd he'd miss her every day And frequently talk to her at her graveside And a loss from which he'd never recover.

13.

She was his devoted companion and confidant As he was hers In a mutuality that most would admire And enviously wish that they were so lucky.

14.

She was everything That he or anyone should expect From what this imperfect world has to offer Which is not meant to minimize or diminish Anything they had together.

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15.

She was his security when he needed it And his confidant and sounding board And one that he could always depend on.

She was also every bit a woman But no prima donna Always giving And never taking.

16.

She wasn't a "perfect" love But then again She was.

She wasn't his "everything" But then again She was. *****

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The Light Went Down The Drain 3-30-2018 A strange exiting of light one night. _____ 1.

My nightly routine, before I go to bed, Is to have a glass of wine While reading a book.

After reading for a while one night I got drowsy and decided to go to bed.

So, still sitting in my arm chair I turned off the light.

However, as soon as I did Something strange happened.

2.

When I turned off the light The light didn't just evaporate Like all the other times before Rather it stayed together Formed a tornado-like shape Swirled around the room In a counterclockwise motion And then like water going down the drain Funneled itself into a hole in the floor In front of my arm chair All of which took about 2 or 3 silent seconds For it to fully disappear.

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3.

I sat there in stunned amazement Wondering, if it was just my imagination.

I remaining seated Took a deep breath And tried it again: I turned on the light Waited a second or two Then turned it off And watched it happen All over again.

4.

Never before And never again Did I experience this kind of thing.

Something happened that night − Something strange.

There was something in that ghostly night Or in that light − Something − Perhaps an encounter with some kind of phenomenon That edged me toward the feeling That there may be other worlds and forces in play That we only occasionally Brush up against. *****

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It's A Different Moon 12-19-2018 The same but not the same. _____ 1.

I looked out of my window And saw a full bright moon above.

It looked the same But it also looked, different.

2.

It had the same slow and silent movement The same brightness The same size and texture And the same color That painted everything ashen white But yet, it was somehow, different.

3.

Where is the moon that I used to know − The one that was full of romance, hope and mystery − The one that used to make me dream and fantasize − The one that always stirred something up In both my heart and imagination?

Gone away with age, I guess Like so any other things. ***** 57

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The First Snow Flake Of Winter 11-15-2018 An emissary. _____ 1.

The first snowflake of Winter Is a polite kiss on the cheek − Not a Judas kiss For there is no betrayal involved But just a respectful communication Of things to come.

2.

The first snowflake Is a courteous and dutiful Emissary of Winter.

3.

This first snowflake Is not a warning message And not meant to scare or threaten But only a kind and precautionary one Advising us to prepare. *****

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With All The Drinks I Bought 4-28-2018 A comment on certain trade-offs in life. _____ 1.

I was a bachelor for almost 40 years − And a pretty wild one at that.

A big spender and sower of wild oats As they say.

2.

When I add up all the money I've spent On the overindulgences of my youth On "Cigarettes and whisky and wild, wild women" − As the lyrics go − I could have bought a house Or at least Made a substantial down payment on one.

3.

If I had put away the money That I spent every night At thousands of bars and restaurants For 40 years.

How financially better off I'd be − But Oh What I would have missed of life. ***** 59

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I Wish I Had A Lawn 6-22-2018 The envious wish of a have-not. _____ 1.

Every day − 10 times a day − I cut lawns − Other people's lawns.

And when I'm done with one I'm off to the next.

2.

Month after month And year after year I cut other people's lawns.

3.

And after each lawn I finish I look over my shoulder as I leave And admire how neat and clean each one looks And can't help feeling a little envious Wishing that I had A little lawn of my own. *****

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For The Sake Of Aesthetics 6-22-2018 Feeling guilty about weeding. _____ 1.

As I weed the garden and grounds I often see that the tips of many of the weeds Had been chewed off By the deer.

2.

Decisions, decisions − Dilemmas, dilemmas − Do I pull them out?

Or do I leave them there?

3.

Do I pull these straggly and untidy weeds out To make the garden Aesthetically more beautiful?

Or do I leave them there As precious food for the deer?

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4.

Decisions, decisions − Dilemmas, dilemmas − Who has the greater right?

What obligation do I have To my fellow creatures Whose very lives and well being May depend on me?

What are my priorities?

5.

I decide to pull them out And in doing do My heart began to beat a little faster And my breath became more shallow and strained From the guilt I felt.

6.

And with that guilt Came the image of the deer Coming that night or early the next morning And finding their food gone With all fingers pointing at me − Me, whose shallow priority was "Aesthetics."

7.

I took the food Right out of these poor creatures mouths − And all for the sake of "Aesthetics." ***** 62

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Never Meant To Be? (On My Father) 1-6-2018 I know he would have been proud. _____ 1.

I never got along with my father But I know he loved me − As much as he loved all of us − But just couldn't express it so well.

2.

I waited for the time When we would develop A more comfortable relationship − A more normal father-and-son relationship − But it never came in time Before he passed away.

3.

I still think about it even to this day Imagining how things might have or could have been And what he and I might have done differently To have made things better While he was here.

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4.

I wish that he would have lived longer And that we would have matured In our temperament and our understanding Enough to have allowed me To share my music and poetry with him Because I know that he would have appreciated it As he was a very sensitive man.

And even if it wasn't to his poetic or musical taste He, being the sensitive man that he was Would have at least appreciated Of all the work that went into it And been proud of me − A father feeling proud of his son.

5.

But therein lies the dichotomy In that all too often His sensitivity made him volatile With a powder-keg temper That unfortunately negated The other and more positive side Of that sensitivity.

6.

Oh how I wish that he and I had found a way To defuse and channel that sensitivity Into something more beneficial For the both of us.

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7.

But he's gone now And it's all too late for anything.

And so, when I look at my bookshelf of poems And my CDs of music compositions In my mind's eye I see him Looking at them too − And feeling proud − Proud of his son.

8.

Oh how I wish we had the fortune and good luck To have had that father and son relationship That you always hear about and see with others.

9.

"Dad, do you hear me?

And do you feel my regret Over things that never were?" ~ I guess that some things Sadly Were just never meant to be. *****

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A Cold November Rain (Holding Its Breath) 11-3-2018 Looking out the window at dusk. _____ 1.

The leaves are almost all gone from the trees Except for the last of the hangers-on Who will in just a matter of time Release their desperate holds And fall to the ground By the last week in November Which won't be too far off schedule.

2.

It's a cold and almost icy rain Falling outside Making those random pelting sounds As the icy pellets Hit the autumn colored leaves below Making the sound of a thousand little drums That serve as their voices and sounding boards Sending shivering-cold echoes through the woods As trumpeting harbingers Of the coming Winter snow.

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3.

It's a dreary time of day − Dusk is − Heavy, wet and cold − But the kind of day That plows and tills My imagination and dark emotions.

4.

The gray bleak sky Overhangs and surrounds me And everything Like a stone-cold Gothic Cathedral Whose enormity, weight and mood Weighs heavy on me Reminding me that life Is more a thing of endurance − The blind endurance of survival − Than something of comfort and happiness.

5.

Where is the warm bright Sun That has gone away and left us on our own In an open, cold and unsheltered field?

Where has the Sun gone?

Is it holding its breath somewhere Until Fall and Winter have passed And Spring and Summer will reappear?

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6.

While I will wait for the Sun's arrival I shall in the meantime Enjoy this eerie and heavy time of year That so many fair-weather others cannot For in it I see reflections of myself. *****

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Unintended Consequences 6-22-2018 A mother snapping turtle. _____ 1.

I looked out the window And saw a snapping turtle in the driveway.

And when I approached her She didn't move or flinch.

2.

I could see Where she had excavated − Or tried to excavate − The wood chips in the pathway Assumedly in an attempt to lay her eggs.

3.

There were many signs of her clawed excavations In many different locations But none of them looked very deep Which made me wonder If she was successful at laying her eggs Or had just given up.

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4.

Oh what a long and tiring trip it must have been for her To come all the way up from the river Made especially difficult Since we had put up a stone wall All along the river bank − For aesthetic purposes − Which she now had to get around somehow.

Poor thing, she must have been so exhausted.

5.

Oh, the things we do For ourselves For pure aesthetic reasons With little regard for The unintended consequences That they may pose For others. *****

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Itching To Take A Shower (When Nature Calls) 2-28-2018 On personal hygiene. _____ 1.

I don't take showers as much as I should.

Why? It may be due to, and called, various things: A foible, a shortcoming, an idiosyncrasy Or just a plain old bad habit.

2.

It's not because I don't want to shower But rather because It takes me away from the things That I feel I need to get done.

Time is limited And I have to prioritize.

3.

It's a lame excuse to some But to others who wrestle with the same Or similar issues Understand.

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4.

But there comes a point in time for even me When the alarm goes off − Where I feel my skin begin to crawl and itch Beyond bearing, ignoring or fighting it − And where my priorities suddenly shift.

5.

And after I take a shower I feel so comparatively good and fresh That I wonder why I didn't shower earlier And don't do it more often, but: "Everybody goes to Hell in his own way."

6.

And after each refreshing shower I promise myself That I'll definitely shower more often.

7.

But despite the best intended promises That I make to myself As fate or habit would have it I always seem to wait To the very last minute − Until the alarm goes off again − Until Nature calls − Or rather, screams − And I begin to itch.

"Everybody goes to Hell in his own way" Including me. ***** 72

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Drafting Poems At Night 11-3-2018 My nightly ritual. _____ 1.

After changing into my pajamas Brushing my teeth And taking my daily cholesterol pill I sit in the armchair in my unheated room With a blanket wrapped around my back and shoulders And read a chapter in my book While snacking on some potato chips − Yes, even after I've brushed my teeth.

2.

Then, when I've finished my reading I pour myself a small glass of merlot or burgundy From a decanter-looking plastic container That I keep beside my chair.

3.

It's just a simple and inexpensive table wine That I buy by the gallon And pour into a plain old drinking glass For my nightly glass of wine But sip it as though I were sipping Some expensive vintage.

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4.

Oh how nice it is That our imagination allows us To create these imaginary bubble worlds of ours.

5.

The wine and my mind Play tag with each other With the wine slowly closing one door On one side of the room And compensatingly opening another On the other side − The door from which my imagination Has been aching to get out And now coaxed to, by the wine.

And coming with it Are the fog-drenched fuzzy thoughts That are conceived and born And the genesis of a poem or two.

6.

This door Is the door where my mind transitions From the purity and accuracy of calculus and logic To the mystery and vagueness of unbalanced equations − Where pure representative art Transitions To the out-of focus blurriness Of impressionist art − Where the genie comes out of the bottle And chases me around the room And refuses to get back in.

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7.

It's in this transitional state That I pen down − Often in the dark And in indiscernible script − The drafts of tomorrow's poems.

8.

"But who will ever read these poems?", I often ask myself.

But even with no real or fancied answer I write anyway In case by chance, someone might And might even like them.

9.

But even if they do or don't I write for myself Confident that they are not Just the weak, emaciated and keep-busy scribblings But have or will have Some purpose, meaning or value To a sensitive or appreciating eye Maybe sometime in the future. *****

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Another X On The Calendar 11-3-2018 Another day gone. _____ 1.

The alarm goes off and I open my eyes Just enough to see The dim, cold-breaking dawn.

"Another day", I say to myself, "Another day, the same as yesterday."

2.

As my guarded and myopic view of the day progresses There are many little things That are different from the day before.

But from a distance There's hardly any difference And it's all very much the same as yesterday In the overall scheme of things.

3.

At night When the day is over I go to the kitchen calendar on the wall And put another X on it.

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4.

Just another oh-hum day And another oh-hum X on the calendar Next to all the other Xs Making me wonder What the purpose is Of any day Over the other. *****

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With A Few More Hours Of Sleep 2-19-2018 Delaying bad news. _____ 1.

She was awakened from her sleep By a dream that her husband had died And she was now, alone in the world.

2.

Was it true?

She was still groggy And couldn't think straight.

3.

Not wanting to face What might be her new reality She rolled over and pulled the covers Over her head In an attempt To make it go away To deny or ignore it To distance herself from it Or at a minimum − If it actually were true − To postpone that reality With a few more hours of sleep. ***** 78

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Like An Old Piece Of Farm Equipment 2-14-2018 Aging. _____ 1.

At almost 75 years of age My skin is so pale and dry That when I take off my underclothes I create a blizzard of snowflake-like skin cells And along with that, some strands of hair.

2.

My skin, muscles and stomach Have all given in to the forces of gravity And sag, slip and slide Like a slow moving glacier.

3.

My memory, sight, hearing and mobility Have also deteriorated And lost a lot of their potency and capacity.

I also drool and drip a little From both my mouth and bottom, respectively.

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4.

My joints are not exempted From this aging process As I creak and squeak Like a rusty, old and un-oiled Piece of farm equipment Every time it comes out of the barn.

5.

Everything is fading in color and consistency; Failing in capacity, performance and reliability; Rusting, hanging and sagging; Melting, dripping and falling away and apart.

Everything has depreciated to the point that I'm almost Fully depreciated And continuing to depreciate Exponentially.

6.

Little by little I'm wasting away And becoming less and less useful.

And like that old piece of farm equipment Someday I'll become completely inoperable And moved To one of the far dark corners Of the barn. *****

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Not Wanting To Live Too Long 2-17-2018 A fear of living too long. _____ 1.

When I see the condition of some others I know they don't have long to go And feel lucky that I'm so comparatively healthy − But everything has a downside.

2.

While I'm grateful for my health I fear that I might not only outlive My wife, my friends and my relatives But also my financial resources And wind up not only alone But also broke.

3.

Rather than that prospect I'd like to live a healthy life Up to, let's say, age 85 And then die from a short But not too painful or debilitating sickness.

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4.

This ideal scenario Will give me a reasonably long life − Long enough to achieve What I wanted to achieve And long enough To put my affairs in order And say my goodbyes − But not so long Where I'd use up all my resources And not be able to leave A modest inheritance for my family.

5.

This is my wish Hoping that it's not asking for too much. *****

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Something's There 11-13-2018 Animal and psychic senses. _____ 1.

I can't put my finger on what it is.

It's just a feeling − Like when you feel Someone or something is watching you − You just know it.

You just sense its presence.

2.

It's not anything imagined.

Rather it's the same sense that animals have − The animal sense that's part of all of us.

It may also be akin to a psychic sense that some have Where they are able to sense the energy fields That every living thing or spirit has and emits.

3.

From this animal and or psychic sense I feel the touch of the sky around me Hear voices in the wind And the growing pains of trees

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4.

And now, this moment And from this sense I feel the eyes of an insect Watching me from the weeds.

But when I turn There's nothing there that I can see But only feel That tells me of a presence − That tells me That something's there. *****

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Old Home Movies 12-10-2018 Only ghosts. _____ 1.

I was looking at some old home movies The other day − That contained the images of many of my relatives Who had long since passed away.

The word "Images" is a very telling and appropriate word As that's really all that's left of them.

2.

Except for my own personal memories of them And the memories that their movie images conjure up I couldn't think of one thing of permanence That they left behind That would represent a tangible marker of their existence − Something indelible That they purposely left of themselves For posterity.

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3.

So as I watched these movies A sadness came over me From the realization that these images Are in fact the only things that are left of them And little more than See-through ghosts.

4.

All that's left of them Are these phantom movie images And bringing them back to life As well as making them disappear Is at the complete whim of someone else.

5.

They left no marker of themselves That they created.

Even their tombstones were made by others And contain words that someone else wrote.

They had signed their proxies over to others.

6.

They left no tangible legacy of themselves − No authored books or journals No letters, notes, poems or signature items By which they could be remembered As they wanted to be remembered And that would define them As they wanted to be defined.

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7.

Rather they let themselves be degraded To these blurry and washed out movie phantoms Making one wonder, in exaggeration If they're just mere figments of the imagination And never existed at all − That's how ethereal and intangible They inadvertently made themselves to be.

8.

They have no existence Other than from an occasional memory Or from these silver-screened images For they left nothing of themselves That they themselves built or planted.

9.

So rather and sadly so They are just like wandering vagrants − Just like tumble weeds − Blowing through the streets of a ghost town That's not even on the map. *****

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A Protocol Hug Goodbye 12-19-2018 There ought to be some protocol. _____ 1.

When someone dies They very often die alone And or without giving themselves or their loved ones The simple opportunity To say goodbye.

2.

When death comes It comes without regard to protocol.

3.

Oh how I wish that things were set up differently Where we could all say our goodbyes And not just find our loved ones gone one day And forever regretting that our timing was off And we missed them.

4.

Oh how I wish dying had a similar protocol To the one at the end of a party or get-together Wherein, when you are about to leave You could give that goodbye hug Just before you left. ***** 88

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For Her Or For Me? 12-19-2018 An unresolved debate. _____ 1.

Now that she's gone I miss her so much.

But I ask myself, Am I missing her for her sake Or for my sake?

2.

Am I feeling sorry for her Or for myself?

3.

There often is no "yes" or "no" answer To questions like these But rather one that contains a little of both. ~ Things are often never "black" or "white" But rather darker or lighter shades of gray. *****

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We All Suffer Alike 7-27-2018 Empathy for an insect. _____ 1.

There it was A little insect Hanging upside down by one leg Caught on one sticky strand of a spider's web.

2.

It was a nothing of a thing − Just a tiny little nothing of an insect.

But yet, I couldn't help putting myself In its place − Imagining What a horrible death It must have been for that little thing − Imagining How it got caught by one careless step or fly-by Too close to that abandoned spider's web And how it must have berated itself for its carelessness −

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Imagining How the blood must have rushed to its little head As it hung there Like a piece of meat on a hook − Hung there for god knows how long Slowly suffering − Slowly dying − Exhausted itself from its fruitless struggle.

3.

How long did that poor thing Have to hang there Before it finally died And was relieved of its suffering?

4.

Oh how many tragedies Are caused by minor margins: An inch too short or far − A second too early or late − A slight hesitation or overreaction?

5.

Oh, the impersonal Yet very personal Pains and fears And cruelties and injustices of this world That we all have to suffer alike. *****

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Panophobia 2-18-2018 The bubble I created. _____ 1.

Having worked enough And hopefully saved enough To last the rest of my life I have retired from my job.

2.

Similarly, having had enough of life I've retired from life too.

I've withdrawn from the world Into a bubble that I've created That insulates and immunizes me from it.

3.

And being a little uncomfortable in my own skin And a little socially awkward And or maybe a little anti-social This is my new and comfortable home.

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4.

I've gone underground.

I've sealed myself off from not only the world But reality itself.

I've gone dark Shutting myself off from news about the world Thinking that what I don't know Can't hurt me − And that by ignoring reality It doesn't exist − The "See No Evil" syndrome.

5.

I've climbed into my bunker-cocoon And reclused myself from the outside world.

I've inventoried my food and money Closed the bunker door And commenced my countdown.

6.

I don't want to face reality For I've had enough of it And just don't want to deal with it anymore And having this haven-escape Is all I want And feel I need.

7.

And whenever I hear noises From outside my bubble-bunker I cup my ears.

And when a crack of light sneaks in I draw the blinds − "See No Evil; Hear No Evil."

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8.

I don't listen to the news Follow the stock market Or care about politics, local or otherwise For in my opinion They just give me angst and worry.

9.

This is where I am in life − Or out of life, depending on how you look at it − Hunkered down in my own little world Of reading books and writing poetry and music And of always taking inventory of my food and money Gauging how long it will last.

10.

And when it's all over for me I hope they'll find my little bubble-world And all the stuff I've created and hoarded within it Especially my music and poetry And that it will generate At least a favorable opinion of me.

11.

In the meantime I'll continue my reading and writing And keeping track of the supplies in my little bunker Hoping that they, don't run out And force me, to come out Into the real world. *****

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Leashed To Time 12-2-2018 Time is the master. _____ 1.

I'm leashed − Like a dog − To Time.

2.

Time takes me for my walks And always shows me who's the boss.

3.

It pulls me back And to the left and right From where I try to go.

4.

I've learned my limits And go where it lets me go − No more, no less.

5.

So my path is its path And that's all there is to it. ***** 95

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A Personal Religion 7-10-2018 A structured religion versus a personal one. _____ 1.

With such structured religions As Catholicism, Protestantism, Judaism, Hinduism and Islam − And even those that are less structured − Like Buddhism − You unfortunately have to buy into all the dogma And all the rules and regulations that go along with them Which often outweighs and or overwhelms The good aspects of those religions.

Sadly the tail often wags the dog.

2.

But just as you can make your own personal pizza With the toppings you like You can pick all the good things you like from many religions And make your own personal religion.

3.

Your own personal religion: No application, no approval, no entrance fee, No referrals, no mandatory attendance, And no contributions required − A no-sweat, come-as-you-are religion − Easy entrance, and easy exit Tailored for you. ***** 96

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Just His Time To Go 3-6-2018 What we all face. _____ 1.

They looked down on him With tears in their eyes Wishing things were different − Wishing that he wasn't dying − But he was.

2.

He was so very weak But his strained and sincere smile And the tears in his eyes Showed how much he appreciated His family being there by his bedside To say their goodbyes.

3.

With the last bit of fight in him He fought to keep his eyes open And told them not to be too sad about his passing Reassuring them that he had had a long and good life And that it was now, just his time to go.

And with that He closed his eyes. ***** 97

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"Paulie", The "Wannabe" 2-10-2018 A story from the old neighborhood. _____ 1.

Back in the day − Back in the 50s, 60s and 70s − The old neighborhood was full of street gangs and the mob.

And those that weren't involved in these two plagues Were often involved in drugs Which turned them into Zombie slaves and ravenous animals.

The streets were also dark, dirty and full of litter.

It was not a good time And staying out of trouble Was always a challenge Especially as an impressionable And "wanna-make-an impression" teen.

2.

I remember one Wannabe guy named "Paulie."

I can't remember his last name Or his street middle name Like "Fats" was for Tony "Fats" Sarlerno.

But come to think of it though His street name might have actually been "Paulie."

Anyway he was Italian and wanted to be A member of the mob.

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3.

While some non-Italians could get into the mob If they were money makers Or were especially good at something Like being an enforcer or hit man Or could just do some of the "dirty" work That others didn't want to do But regardless, they usually remained at the "lower" levels.

Those who were Italian on the other hand Had the inside track As it was a 90% Italian "club."

"Paulie" was a "Wannabe" And being Italian He thought he had the edge.

4.

The Wannabes Were always trying to prove something Both to themselves And to others − Both in the mob and out.

It was a thing with them In words and actions Both obvious and subtle.

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5.

"Paulie" tried very hard To make a favorable impression On his mob connections But he never succeeded.

He kept trying though Doing whatever he could to be accepted But he just didn't have the steel and potential That they were looking for − He just couldn't pass the smell test And therefore never got the "nod."

6.

So "Paulie" remained a "Wannabe" − A "stuck-in-place Wannabe" − A "never-gonna be Wannabe" And that's all he ever was. *****

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He Was James Bond 1-2-2018 On the death of Tom Carroll, a former friend and boss. _____ 1.

He always took care of himself − Always got his shots Always avoided touching things And always kept his distance From anyone who had a cold For fear of germs.

And as soon as he got sick − Even slightly sick − Or even suspected That he was coming down with something − He'd always call or see the doctor And load up on antibiotics.

2.

He watched what he ate And watched his weight.

He jogged and exercised regularly.

He even ran 9 New York Marathons When he was in his 60s.

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3.

He was charismatic and handsome − A head-turner and charmer with the girls And the envy of the guys.

Further he was influential, smart and well-read And had class, style and money And dressed impeccably.

4.

All these things combined themselves Into making him The perfect man − Mr. Wonderful − The guy who everyone admired And wanted to be like.

5.

He was James Bond Cary Grant And Superman All rolled into one.

6.

But even though On the surface He was the picture of health There was something brewing inside.

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7.

He had an enemy within That was conspiring against him − An assassin That finally succeeded in killing him At the age of 71.

He had been a marked man.

8.

No one could believe it when he died As everyone thought That he would outlast everyone else For after all He was James Bond, Cary Grant and Superman.

9.

He had been everyone's role model.

He had been the distinguished portrait On the museum wall.

He had been the legendary statue On the pedestal.

10.

But when he died It showed that he was a mere mortal And with that his portrait fell off the wall And his statue fell off its pedestal Which undermined everyone's confidence About everything. *****

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Anton (Prepare Yourself) 1-27-2018 The trials of my German handyman. _____ 1.

At age 65 He was tall, thin and lanky and balding.

Many years ago He had come from Germany.

2.

He was very particular about his work − Precise, serious and determined to "get it right" − Admirably typical of the Germans.

Also typical, he was a little bullheaded But he had an offsetting good sense of humor.

3.

He was a good, honest, dependably-hard worker And his prices were extremely reasonable So much so That I would sometimes pay him a little more Than what he billed me.

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4.

But as good as he was He got an unfair shake in life: His first wife died long before I met him And his second wife contracted cancer of the brain That made her unable to care for herself Even to the point of not being able to control her waste Which required him to be on call all the time To take care of all her basic needs.

5.

When I heard his cell phone ring When he was working on one of my jobs I'd cringe, as I knew that so many of the calls he got Were from his wife about such things as Having fallen down and not being able to get up Or the need to take her to the doctor or the hospital.

6.

Seeing his situation Gave me an appreciation Of how comparatively lucky I was.

But at the same time It made me think of Vi's deteriorating condition And how someday − And maybe sooner rather than later − I might be in the same boat And that mentally I'd better prepare myself. *****

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Where's The Good Stuff Gone?

1-27-2018 Deteriorating culture. _____ 1.

Drugs, cars, diet programs, exercise machines and fashion; Cable and satellite TV, cell phones and fast foods; Quickie college degrees and drug recovery programs Is all I see advertised on TV. 2.

These advertisements are Biopsies of American culture That all test positive.

3.

Where has all the good stuff gone?

Where are the advertisements about good things That show we have an appetite and the skills For learning, art, science and culture And not just for junk, flash and looking good?

Oh, what have we deteriorated to? . *****

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Depressing Thoughts 1-30-2018 Protection but no guarantee. _____ 1.

Depressing thoughts Only need a pin hole of opportunity To get inside of you.

And once they're inside They're hard to get rid of them.

2.

They can contort themselves Into any shape and size necessary To get in Just as vapor can seep under a door As light can filter through a key hole Or as a wood worm can gnaw its tunnel.

3.

Fill up every hole And bait all your traps As it's your only hope − But yet a hope With no guarantee. ***** 107

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A Slight Change In Ritual 1-31-2018 A new discovery about my evening glass of wine. _____ 1.

I used to sip my wine while reading a book Right before I went to bed.

While that was pleasant enough On one night, I made a slight change to my routine That made things even more pleasant And interesting.

2.

One night I got tired of reading And turned off the light And began finishing my wine − In the dark.

3.

Wow What an unexpected And pleasant difference that made.

What a simple but great discovery that was And something that you sometimes Just dumb-luck stumble upon.

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4.

After turning off my reading light The room was completely dark And my eyes and body began to relax And my brain, to wind down.

5.

While that was a noticeable and favorable change In and of itself What was even more remarkable Was that I seemed to have slipped into a different world − A kind of mellow and magical world − A world that I thought I had been in before But couldn't remember where or when − A kind of deja vu world.

6.

My eyes slowly adjusted to the dark Wherein the room turned from an impenetrable black To a soft grey darkness of ambient light That opened up the room to me As if I were some privileged observer.

7.

And with respect to my wine It became much more than wine As it was richer and more enjoyable And more insightfully mind expanding.

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8.

Without the distractions of the light and my reading The wine had taken advantage of And the opportunity to show me The greater richness of its taste and flavor And better way it can deliver its slow and relaxing effect.

It were as though I was getting a massage Of both mind and mood.

9.

Oh what I had been missing.

Before, I had thought That my little evening glass of wine while reading Was the perfect end of the day And that nothing could be more pleasant and relaxing But now I could see that there was so much more to it With just that little change in ritual.

10.

Now what I do Is do my reading first Then turn off the light Then pour myself a glass of wine And slowly sip it in the ambient light.

11.

And now with my mind Freed from the work of reading It's unleashed and free to roam Wherever it naturally wants to go Guided only by The whispered suggestions of the wine.

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12.

And with this new formula And in this soft, massaging atmosphere My mind loosens its neck tie and shoelaces Puts its head back against its high backed chair And meanders untethered, airborne and free Like it never had before.

13.

And with that little change in ritual Sitting in the ambient light of my room My mind is able to both ruminate about the past As well as discover new insights about life And about itself.

14.

Oh, how much better My little night time glass of wine is And the new effects it has on me With just that little change in ritual. *****

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A Partial Resignation 2-1-2018 What I have and have not resigned myself to. _____ 1.

I always thought That I would fight Death Tooth and nail And that I'd never go gently.

Likewise I always thought That I would fight her henchmen Suffering and Despair − Just as fiercely.

2.

But I'm old now And tired of fighting − And fighting for what? − For just a few more years or months of life?

3.

I'm old and tired now So why should I dig my heels in the ground And resist those last few steps To the edge of that inevitable and unavoidable cliff That we've all been walking towards All our lives And will eventually go over anyway?

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4.

I'm old and tired now And reconciled to my end And can now face it Knowing that I've had a decent life And that I'll be leaving my family reasonably safe.

5.

I'm old and tired now And as I lie here in my bed Looking up at and through the ceiling − Through the clouds and into a Beyond That I doubt even exists − I'm shaken with fear For regardless of that rational doubt That there's anything beyond this life That I'm about to lose It frightens me to think That death may not be the end of things And that something else may await.

6.

I'm old and tired now And have resigned myself To whatever may be And to just go without a fight.

But even with that resignation I can't seem to fully shake off my fears. *****

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Bobby Leveled Off At High School 2-2-2018 A surprising role model. _____ 1.

Roughly 80% of your personality develops In your infancy And about another 10% In your childhood years And the remaining 10% In your later years From the effects of traumatic experiences.

So once you're past your very early years You can't change much.

2.

Your intellectual development On the other hand Has the potential for infinite growth But having said that you tend to level off Either at certain involuntary and pre-defined capacity levels Or at voluntarily comfort zone levels.

For Bobby He leveled off at the high school level − And − Taking a line from the TV show, Seinfeld − "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

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3.

While many average out at much higher levels − And some continuing their development For their entire lives − Bobby leveled off early at his comfort zone.

4.

But while his leveling off Might be viewed by others as perhaps a sign of laziness Or an indication of a limited capacity Bobby said that it was just his decision, plain and simple Which might actually have been the case As he was well-balanced, even-tempered Content, non-judgmental and comfortable in his own skin And able to get and keep a decent job.

Furthermore, he had a good sense of humor.

5.

He lacked a lot of the anxiety that many people had As well as the itch of curiosity That kept so many others agitated.

Furthermore, he had no great expectations And consequently no great disappointments.

And moreover, he never had to deal with The angst of the need to achieve Or to "keep up with the Joneses."

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6.

Bobby leveled off at high school And the uniform view people had of him That he was a "misfortunate" in life Was quite off-base.

While on the surface It might have been reasonable to assume that If they had looked a little deeper They'd see that Bobby actually had quite an enviable life That was relatively stress free and comparably better Than many of those who thought otherwise.

7.

Bobby leveled off At his chosen and simple goal line − The line where he had just enough To get through life Without the insatiable complexities Of being discontent with what he didn't have Or didn't achieve.

8.

Bobby didn't seem like the person who'd be Anyone's role model − But in fact − He unassumingly was And rightfully so. *****

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Come Early − Leave Late 2-10-2018 My neighbor guests. _____ 1.

That's what they always do − These neighbors of ours − They come early And leave late.

2.

They're good people and all But they just don't have any concept Of when it's time to leave.

3.

When it's the time when they should be going They show no signs of leaving.

And even when I don't initiate any new conversation Answer them with just "yes"es and "no"s Look at my watch a few times Leave them by themselves for long periods of time Or drum my fingers on the table They still don't take the hint − Unless they do And just choose to ignore it.

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4.

They are different They are unique They are incorrigible They are my neighbors − The neighbors That I don't invite over much. *****

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The Empty Wheelchair 2-9-2018 His everyday story. _____ 1.

Every day He looks at the empty wheelchair In the corner of the room.

2.

Every day it tells him a story − A story of ascent And decline.

3.

When he looks at it, it all comes back to him − The girl who was once young and healthy; The girl who stayed with him throughout his wild days; The girl he married and with whom he raised a family; The girl who he grew old with; The girl who used to sit in that wheel chair; And the girl who left it empty in the corner When she died on him.

4.

Every day The wheelchair tells a story. ***** 119

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Was He Glad To See Me Leave?

(On My Father) 2-16-2018 About when I left home for New York City. _____ 1.

My father and I were always fighting − Outwardly and obvious And internally and not so obvious.

It was a 50/50, love-hate relationship But one that was 100% tense.

2.

Then, sometime after I got out of the Navy And began working in New York A girlfriend of mine Told me that a one-room, rent-controlled apartment In a 5 story walk-up tenement building Was coming available And would I be interested in it?

3.

I jumped at it And moved in illegally Under the silent cover of darkness And fixed and furnished it for about $1,000.

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4.

When I told my father that I was leaving I believe he was in one way Relieved to see me go But in another, fatherly way Sad that we had never achieved that illusive Father and son relationship Before I left.

5.

When I look back on things now I sometimes want to cry for not having had A more "normal" family life.

But with no mother And a difficult and broken father That was the hand we were dealt And that we had to play.

6.

Having said that, though I also look back With a more mature and experienced eye And feel bad For my contribution to it all. *****

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The Conversation Turned 2-17-2018 Concentrate on the future. _____ 1.

They just happened to sit next to each other in the park.

A black family on one blanket And a white family on the other.

2.

They were different from each other Of course And it was a bit uncomfortable For each of them.

3.

The blacks felt a little felt conscious Being a little more rambunctious, animated and loud Than the whites who were right next to them.

4.

And the whites, being a little more reserved Tried their best not to show That they were judgmental about anything Or be offensive or cause any trouble in any way.

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5.

I'm not sure how it came about But they began talking to each other And sharing their views about everything That you sometimes can do with strangers More than with friends or relatives.

6.

Inevitably the conversation turned to race And things became a little uncomfortable For both And the comparisons became sharper And more sensitive.

The conversation was turning.

7.

I don't know who said it first But it saved the day: "We can't reshape the bend That's already in the trunk of the tree But we can shape its branches."

8.

It was then that the conversation Had a new beginning. *****

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The Scary-Faced Future 2-28-2018 He never planned anything. _____ 1.

He never planned his Future.

Rather he just let things come into his Present Uncoaxed and unassisted And then let it move untampered with into the Past All of which he felt was an effortlessly good formula.

2.

And when he looked over his Past And the results of his formula He was content with it Not just content with it, but pleased As he had a reasonably good Past Which in turn validated that his simple formula − The formula that had no moving parts − Was working well.

And so he continued on with it Never getting involved With all the work and worry that went into planning And establishing goals and targets.

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3.

His formula was a lazy man's formula − A look-Mom-no-hands formula − A roll-of-the-dice formula That luckily produced reasonable results.

4.

But one day, while looking over his Past He noticed that the memories in it Seemed to be getting further and further away − Receding like a distant galaxy − And that no new things were being added.

The old formula wasn't working any more.

The well had run dry.

His lucky streak had been broken.

5.

Without having any experience in planning for the future He was helpless to build any good memories himself.

He was up the creek without a paddle.

6.

So now For the first time in his life He had to face his Future And for him It had a very scary face. *****

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Vials Of Aristocracy 3-5-2018 A desperate hope. _____ 1.

In a dark and abandoned laboratory Was a rack That contained century old vials of blue blood − The blood of a line of aristocrats That would be used to re-propagate their lineage.

2.

The days of the aristocracy were gone And these vials represented A possible rebirth Of the old days and old ways.

3.

As I scanned the laboratory And those dusty stained vials on the counter I felt a kind of sadness come over me But didn't know exactly why.

Perhaps it was a sadness For any and all things Abandoned, hopeless and futile.

But I couldn't be sure.

It was just a very strange feeling I had. ***** 126

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Spring To The Rescue 3-28-2018 Missing Spring. _____ 1.

For months now it's been cold.

And the trees are still shivering bare And mere skeletons of their former selves.

Except for a few squirrels And a few birds that hadn't gone South The trees are empty of movement and sound.

And all the colors that used to fill my eyes And the sweet scents of flowers I used to smell Are also absent.

Everything is bare, silent and cold Like a moonscape.

While Winter has its own beauty Towards its end, I get anxious for life to return.

2.

But then I notice a tiny green bud On the tip of a branch − The return of a snow bird − A new scent in the air.

Yes − it's Spring to the rescue. ***** 127

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Self Help 2-23-2018 Comments about praying. _____ 1.

When you pray to God You're really talking to yourself For it's very unlikely That that there is in fact, a God At least the one That we've be taught to love and fear.

2.

When you feel you need to pray Pray to yourself Which is really nothing more than a form of Talking to yourself And the best way out of whatever you're in For you are your own best friend And your own best shrink, confidant and advisor All rolled into one.

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3.

And even if there is a God He'd appreciate your own efforts Of talking it through with yourself first Rather than bothering him at the get-go.

4.

Remember to keep 3 things in mind: "Most answers lie within ourselves" "Self help is the best help" And "God helps those who help themselves." *****.

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The Turtle 4-4-2018 Aging. _____ 1.

When I was young I used to be like a lion, You might say, Venturing anywhere and everywhere And taking on challenges and risks That I shudder thinking about them today.

2.

Now, at age 75 I'm more like a turtle − Slow, withdrawn and all shelled over.

3.

Now As the result of a joint agreement Between age and prudence I keep my neck and limbs Defensively tucked under my shell Which will probably evolve into and one day become My fossilized coffin. **** 130

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Small Body, Long Tail 7-11-2018 Composing music looks easier than it is. _____ 1.

Making love and making a baby Is the easy part Taking little time and effort Compared to the long, hard and never ending job Of raising the child that follows.

2.

It's the same with composing music − A short burst of inspiration and energy in the beginning Followed by the long and arduous tasks Of rewriting, recording and re-recording Of editing and mastering And of producing the CDs themselves.

3.

Music composition Has a small body But a long tail. *****

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"Have They Told You Anything?"

(On My Sister, Christine) 7-12-2018 Inspired by the memories of Christine's death vigil. _____ 1.

I'm lying down next to my sister, Chris Who is eyes-closed unconscious And breathing heavily − Not really breathing But rather gasping.

2.

I talk to her softly − As we all do who are there with her In the hope that it gives her some comfort Knowing that she's not alone in her agony and final hours.

3.

As I lie there with her As she slips away I silently ask myself, as if I'm asking her: "Where are you going, Christine?

Have they told you of a place Where you and all of us will go?"

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4.

"Is there a place, Christine, Where we will actually go?

Or will the Darkness Just extinguish the light within us And swallow us into its emptiness?"

5.

"Have they mentioned anything About an 'Afterlife', Chris?

Or have they confirmed to you My dearest sister That one day We'll meet again?" *****

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Why Did You Have To Be So Good?

7-12-2018 Making the missing even worse. _____ 1.

Why did you have to be So loyal and good?

Why? For now − Now that you're gone − I miss you So much more.

2.

Why did you have to be so good?

For if you weren't The pain of missing you Wouldn't be as bad. ~ Why did you have to be so good? *****

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Siamese Twins (On Life And Death) 8-28-2018 The curious wonder of life and death. _____ 1.

So many of my poems Deal with death So much so that one might say That I'm obsessed with it.

2.

But I don't think that's the right term And that a more accurate one may be fascinated Or maybe, curious.

3.

Yes, I'm both fascinated and curious about death But I don't think that's an inherently unhealthy thing And more like the literary interest That Edgar Allen Poe had with it And that so stirred his imagination To write so many of the stories we enjoy.

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4.

Stemming from my curiosity I can't help but wonder What's beyond death?

What's on the other side of that wall?

Whether there exits an immortal soul?

And whether there's certain life After our certain death?

5.

Being mystified By all such tangent and surrounding mysteries You can rightfully and contextually say, "Yes" That I'm "fascinated" with death − The concept of death.

6.

This fascination also has me wondering If there's actually a physical place called Heaven and Hell Or if it's just religious myth Perpetrated both by wishful thinking and by fear And wondering if we'll really join our loved ones.

Science, logic and common sense tell me otherwise − But I can't prove either theory And so I'm left to wonder And wonder And wonder.

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7.

But having defended Or rather explained My scientific fascination with death I can tell you that balancing that fascination Is an equal fascination with life Especially as it relates to the possible But similarly improbable Creation of a Soul.

8.

Yes, I am fascinated With both Life and Death For as for me They are Siamese twins Joined at the hip. *****

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Night Hawk 10-11-2018 The suddenness of death. _____ 1.

The Night Hawk Swooped down suddenly And unnoticed And took me away.

2.

In lightning speed I was lifted up and taken away Like an unsuspecting field mouse Who was ironically so close to its burrow.

3.

One minute You are safe and secure And the next Everything has ended for you. ~ Oh the suddenness and finality Of things. *****

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I Feel My Heart At Night 10-19-2018 Life expectancy. _____ 1.

With so many distractions during the day I can't hear or feel it.

But at night In the dark quiet of my room I can.

2.

Sometimes when I'm in my bed I hear my heart beating a little less regularly Or notice a little discomfort in my chest Or hear a little wheezing in my lungs − Or at least I think I do.

3.

These symptoms − Real or imagined − Are fed by the awareness That I'm now 75 And could go at anytime − That my heart could just stop at any moment And that I shouldn't be surprised If that were to happen One quiet and apprehensive night.

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4.

Although I'm healthy Compared to so many others My heart could just stop running When its programmed number of beats Have been reached.

And just like an old car could just stop running When its engine has reached its life expectancy I could stop running as well When the time comes For after all We are nothing more than soft tissuey machines With life expectancies too.

5.

At my age This is the anxiety that I live with now.

And while it's just a heightened awareness It's a living and breathing one. *****

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Now, My Customers 10-30-2018 My new relationship. _____ 1.

We have so many plants and bushes In our acre and a half.

And when I was working 12 hours a day And commuting 5 hours on top of that The only time I had to attend to them − Not to mention the lawn and weeding − Was on the short-lived weekends.

2.

With having a couple of weeks or a month head start Or sometimes even a couple of months Before I could get to them They would get big and unruly Where I would be analogous to David Facing the giant, Goliath With my puny sling shot pair of clippers.

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3.

There was no consideration of Or time for Negotiation or civility.

It was do or die.

It was kill or be killed Which is just how mammoth And ominous things were Between me and the bushes.

4.

And because there were so many of them And so unruly It seemed I was always losing ground.

It seemed that every time I cut one head off 10 new ones would replace it.

It was me against the unstoppable jungle − A mythological monster-jungle.

5.

I wielded my machete with the vigor And aimed slaughter As if I were one of the Spartan 300.

I had no time for discretionary trimming Only for indiscriminate savagery and slaughter As a matter of survival.

6.

It was me against the masses Who I only saw as the mob-enemy who had to be killed.

I also saw no individuals within the horde Only a mindless and crazed mob That roared at me Like an open-mouthed, bad-breathed lion.

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7.

But now that I'm 75 and retired I have a lot more time to "attend" to my plants and bushes So they never get as unruly, rebellious and threatening As they used to get.

But more so, I'm able to see them more as individuals − As my customers − And give them more personalized attention.

8.

And as an aside Even though I have a lot less stamina Than I did before I'm thankful that I have Both enough stamina and inclination To attend to our green and living residents.

9.

Before I used to attack them Fast, furious and brutishly One after the other Only having the time, energy and purpose To get them "under control" And no time, energy or thought For much of anything else.

10.

But now that I have more time And can give each of them Some individual attention I can see that they have both faces And personalities.

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11.

Before I used to do my trimming and pruning In a one-method-fits-all manner − A quick axe-wielding chop here, there and everywhere − And then quickly move on to the next attack In the same tell-tale and indiscriminant manner.

12.

Also before, if one of them wasn't out of control And didn't need any massive or emergency attention I'd ignore it and just pass it by Leaving it looking like An unkempt and orphaned street urchin And of course hurting its feelings For my lack of attention to and care for Its particular grooming needs.

13.

But now, not being in a war on a battlefield I can treat everyone as the individuals that they are.

I can now treat them as customers or patients As the case may be.

14.

I also have the luxury and sensitivity To engage in a little Polite and respectful trust-building small talk And make a careful and caring assessment Of exactly what they might need For both the short term and the long term.

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15.

So now, when I do my initial trim I don't move on right away But rather step back and critique what I've done.

I study its height, width, balance and shape And then go back and make whatever adjustments are needed So that it looks its best − So that it feels happy, proud and good about itself As an individual.

16.

I also look to see who is to the left and right of it As well as who's in the front and back To make sure it not only looks good as an individual But also in a group Which gives it the additional sense of comradeship And a sense of pride as both a unit and a team And member of a family.

17.

Before, they were an unpleasant and threatening gang.

But now, I enjoy the pleasure of their company.

Now, even before I do anything on my own I ask their opinion And share my opinion with them.

We engage in a dialogue.

It's now like a democracy Where we each have a vote.

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18.

Of course when I talk to them One might easily say That I'm just talking to myself But then again, who knows?

Who can say for sure What communication goes on Between living things.

19.

Ah, it's such a good feeling on both sides now To have a relationship − Yes, that's the right word: A relationship − This new relationship.

20.

So now after I finish my pruning And go back into the house I look out the window And over all our plants and shrubs I see them more as my children And take personal and group pride in them And naturally as any parent would I worry about their welfare and happiness.

And as I look at them from my window I wonder if they miss me As much as I miss them.

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21.

And further as I look over them I'm looking forward To when I'll be working with them again Rather than working against them The way it used to be. *****

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Our Pet Rabbit 11-1-2018 Unintended cruelty to pets. _____ 1.

We buy our pets With the best of initial intentions of love But it usually winds up where we are cruel to them And when I think about their situations I'm so saddened That I sometimes have trouble sleeping.

2.

We have a pet rabbit − "Snickers" That Leandra bought and keeps in her room.

The problem is That it's all alone about 90% of the time: All day, "Snickers" is totally alone With no one visiting or interacting with him.

And even when Leandra comes home after work She usually goes right out again.

And when she comes back to her room later that night She plays her video games then goes to sleep.

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3.

Oh yes, we give our pets some attention But it's hardly enough for what they crave and need And I almost cry thinking about it.

4.

It's not by any willful intent That pet owners do these things It's just what happens When the glow of owning a pet Inevitably and sadly wears off.

5.

The other day I passed by her bedroom But guilt brought me back And I dropped in to pay 'Snickers" a rare visit.

I'm guilty of the same neglect.

But the poor rabbit never came out of its cage.

Rather it just kept its head down And had a face on it that broke my heart.

How frustrating it must be to have no voice And not be able to tell us how much it's hurting Or how depressed it might feel.

And without any voice How vulnerable they are to being ignored And for us to callously assume That everything's OK.

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6.

Rabbits are social animals And this poor thing is basically A prisoner in solitary confinement With hardly any human contact Much less a companion of its own kind − Another rabbit.

7.

It's a captive.

It's a slave.

Oh how dejected and isolated it must feel Which in turn makes me feel so bad That I often think that I'd be doing it a favor If I were to put it down And end its psychological suffering.

8.

While sitting on the kitchen sofa Where I spend most of my day I often think about That poor, lonely and depressed little rabbit One floor away upstairs And almost want to cry. *****

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Longevity 11-8-2018 A new worry. _____ 1.

In the old days People died earlier So the possibility of running out of money In your old age Was not much of an issue.

2.

But today Through better food and medical care We are living much, much longer.

3.

Combining the fact of our living longer With the shrinkage of company pensions The extremely high cost of health care And the cost and need for long-term care There's a real chance of running out of money During one's lifetime Which is real and constant worry of mine.

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4.

I worry about this prospect every day − If not every day, then frequently.

I see it as a sort of race − A contest between Death − And a bankrupt poorhouse Life − A contest between The lesser of 2 evils.

5.

It's strange to be put in a situation Where you may be rooting for Death Rather than Life − Where you may have to choose between The lesser of 2 evils. *****

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Killing A Cold 11-8-2018 Murder? Self-defense? Or what? _____ 1.

Killing a life form Brings on varying degrees of guilt And varying degrees of justifications Depending on the level in the food chain involved.

2.

When we kill life forms We feel varying degrees of guilt At each level in the life chain.

If we kill a human we are racked with guilt.

When we kill animals we feel guilt too But we know we have to kill in order to eat.

But when we kill weeds and bacteria, for example We don't even think about it But isn't that killing a life form as well?

3.

But why those distinctions?

Is it a matter of prejudice?

Are we directly or indirectly saying That we are "superior" beings with "special" rights?

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4.

Are these justifications Excuses, reasons or rationalizations Or do they just emanate From our ignorance and or insensitivity?

For after all Isn't killing a cold Still an act of killing?

5.

While there are certainly issues with killing The bigger picture and question is Why is it that we are put into these situations In the first place Where we are forced to kill And then rationalize around our actions If we are sensitive enough to do so?

6.

So I revert back to 2 of my basic questions About life and the world system we live in: "Who would create a world such as this?"

And "Why would a good and all powerful God Create such a cruel world When He had it in his power To create something that didn't involved killing And that would free us from having to make Varying degrees of defensive and contrived justifications About things we don't even have control over?" *****

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A Crying Shame 11-13-2018 Empathy for the poor lower creatures of the world. _____ 1.

When I watch cowboy movies I see past the action and the story − Past the beauty of the open plains And the red-colored mountains And rather to, the poor horses With those hard metal bits Being pulled back against The soft and tender tissue of their mouths.

I image how I would feel With a metal bit across the inside of my mouth And the blistering pain of each tug Where every change of direction Requires the rider to pull back hard Or hard to the left or right Hundreds of times.

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2.

Oh, the pain of just one tug Against the soft tissue Of those poor animal mouths Is pain enough − But hundreds of times a ride Is just too much for me to absorb.

Oh those poor mute and helpless − Hurting and obedient creatures Whose majesty, nobility and freedom Have been stripped from them.

3.

Oh the bruises and blisters that they must sustain After every ride Which will not heal overnight So that when the bits are reinserted in their mouths The following morning They painfully shred open again All those still-raw and unhealed wounds.

Oh you riders Can't you see and feel any empathy For these less intelligent creatures of God That you boss around With hardly a thought about how much You are hurting and humiliating them With your whips, bits and spurs?

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4.

And more than just the physical pain Is the pain of their broken spirits From having no freedom of choice With respect to anything in their lives For that has all been taken away From these poor things.

5.

If they want to stop and rest They're kicked in the ribs and prodded on.

If they want to stop and graze or drink a bit To quench their hunger or their thirst Their heads are pulled up by their slave masters With an assertive and demanding yank As if to say, "How dare you."

6.

Everything that these creatures Try to do on their own As individuals Is negated.

Every bit of freedom Is denied them Until they no longer have A mind, body or soul of their own And become little more than Broken and depressed creatures − Zombies − No longer those free, wild and noble creatures That they agonizingly remember they once were.

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7.

Oh how they must feel When they look out over the plains From their coral cells Remembering how it used to be − When they were free to roam, graze, court, mate And be comfortably and secure as part of their herd.

Oh the constant hurt of all of that Having been taken away And being made captives of, And servants to, A race of aliens.

8.

Oh the mental and physical torture that they must endure Including the pain of even seeing their own offspring Taken away and sold off Just like the black slave children were Less than 200 years ago.

9.

I see and feel all of these introspective things.

And despite how much I try not to − By trying my best to pay attention To the story and the scenery of the movie And not to get sucked into The tortured and painful situations That these helpless "beasts" are in And who are not beasts at all But rather beautiful and graceful Co-creatures of this world with us − I cannot.

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10.

And by extension I feel bad for all the other animals − The pet dogs, rabbits, turtles and hamsters − Whose lives have also been taken away And spirits broken.

11.

When I think about All these poor and helpless creatures of the world I wonder As I've wondered so many times before: "Who makes a world like this?

Who puts us in a world Where we must endure Rather than enjoy?"

It's a pity − no, it's more than that It's a crying shame. *****

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Rest Stops (On Dad) 11-18-2018 Remembering my lack of empathy and understanding. _____ 1.

My father and I had a contentious relationship.

Underneath it all, though, we loved each other But sadly could never express it Even civilly As our reactive fighting Always got in the way.

2.

One time Knowing how much he liked country music And in an attempt to do something nice for him And maybe build a bridge As shaky and as unsure as it might be I invited him to go on a road and camping trip With Vi and I to the Grand Ole Opry In Nashville Tennessee.

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3.

Before we left he advised us That being in his late 60s He might have to make frequent rest stops But it didn't sink in or register with me As I couldn't identify with it.

4.

So just as he had predicted And I had underestimated He frequently asked That we stop for him to go to the restroom Which after a while annoyed me As it not only slowed us down But which I viewed it at the time As a matter of convenience Rather than necessity.

5.

But here I am now Just past my late 60s and into my 70s − Finding myself having to go Almost every hour And not as a matter of convenience But necessity.

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6.

So now, reflecting back on that trip And on his having to go as often as I do now I feel terrible about how it must have made him feel In having such critical and non-empathetical son.

7.

Sorry, Dad For making you feel that way back then.

And although you're not around now To hear my apology in person − And doubt you can hear it by any other means − I offer it to you anyway Just in case. *****

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Two Grandpas 11-19-2018 About Grandpas Hackett and Rasile. _____ 1.

I went to the wedding and reception Of my grand niece Heather and her husband, Mike And was seated at the same table As Heather's grandfather, Joe Rasile, Sr. And had a profile view of him That allowed me to observe him Without being obvious or intrusive.

2.

The calm demeanor and mannerisms Of her Italian grandfather, Joe Rasile, Sr. Reminded me Of my Irish grandfather, Jack Hackett, Sr. 3.

My Grandpa Hackett was a simple man A good man And a gentle man.

He was calm, quiet and unpretentious.

He was also unassuming and even-tempered And I never saw him get angry about anything Or ever hear him raise his voice.

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4.

Grandpa Hackett also always had A relaxed smile on his face That made him very approachable.

He was a real sweetheart of a guy.

5.

And as I watched Heather's grandfather I was seeing my own grandfather − Bringing me back to the past And refreshing so many of the things That I had admired about him.

6.

So here I was with Grandpa Joe Rasile, Sr. − A living replica of my Grandpa Jack Hackett, Sr. − Enjoying the pleasure of both their companies. *****

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Old Men's Foreheads 11-20-2019 Aging. _____ 1.

When I was young I noticed that all the old men Invariably Had little red spots all over their foreheads Making me wonder to myself, "What's with that?"

2.

Now at 75 When I look in the mirror I see those same red blotches All over my forehead And deja vu I say the same thing to myself "What's with that?"

3.

It took 50 years For those blotches to come to me But they finally did As well as the answer As to "Why?" − Age. ***** 165

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"You Should Have Seen The Other Guy" 11-21-2018 Another violent dream. _____ 1.

I woke up from the dream I was having − A dream in which I was fighting with someone Trying to get something from him That he was holding near his hairline.

2.

In my dream I was violently pulling his hair And scratching his forehead.

3.

My dream was so violent That I woke myself up Only to find that I was pulling my own hair And scratching my own forehead And so violently That I had broken a nail And had scratched myself so badly As to draw blood in a number of places.

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4.

And when I got up and looked in the mirror It looked as though I had been in a real street fight.

And like in a real street fight To save face I wanted to say, "You should have seen the other guy" But couldn't As I was looking at him.

5.

This was not the first time this had happened As there were many and regular episodes Where I'd fight in my sleep And not only cut and bruise myself But in some cases kick and punch so violently That I'd throw myself right out of bed And onto the floor with a loud thud. ~ Someday I'm gonna' wind up Killing myself in my sleep. *****

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That Perfect Piece Of Music 11-23-2018 I'm always striving to write that perfect piece of music and the closest I've come is with "Quiet Mourning" (a.k.a. "Quiet Morning") that I wrote for my sister Christine, who died young from cancer. _____ 1.

As soon as I finish one of my many music compositions I immediately know that it's not the perfect piece.

In fact I know it halfway through it And often times At the very outset.

2.

And even though I'm exhausted After finishing that non-perfect piece I often remain seated in frustration And jot down a few notes of my next piece In the hope that it will be the start Of that perfect piece of music That I'm always searching for.

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3.

Even though every piece I write Has some admirable qualities to it And sometimes touches of perfection It's never enough to qualify As that undefined thing − That "perfect" piece of music.

4.

Oh this burr under my saddle − This siren song − This whisper in my ear − This hypnotic draw − This opium fix − This wish to fly That keeps me both trying And frustrated As to why I can't get there And wondering If I ever will.

5.

I continue to write piece after piece Hoping that with volume One piece will come with the satisfying quality That I'm looking for − That from a thousand sluices of gravel that I pan I'll find that one golden nugget.

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6.

Oh where is that melody That will satisfy my hunger and my angst?

Where is that perfect simple little melody That will enrapture all who hear it And endure as a classic?

Where is that "Silent Night"? − That "You Are My Sunshine"? − That "Moonlight Sonata"?

7.

Oh where is that melody That everyone will recognize and hum?

8.

Oh where is that melody in me If it's in me at all?

Where is that haunting melody That I've been looking for, for all these years.

Where is that piece of music That will touch your soul and bring tears to your eyes Whenever you hear it?

9.

Oh, where is that perfect piece of music That will satisfy me and bring me true contentment Knowing that I've found it − Knowing that I've found the Holy Grail − And can end my journey Lay my burden down And finally rest in peace.

Oh, where is that perfect piece of music? ***** 170

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A Dead Bee 7-22-2018 Reflections on death. _____ 1.

A little spot on the front porch Caught my eye.

I stopped and took a closer look.

It was a dead bee.

Not a big fat Bumble Bee Or a bright Yellow Jacket Or a vicious looking Hornet − But just a little, different kind of bee − A small, non-descript and unassuming bee.

2.

I sat down in a nearby chair And thought about it a bit.

3.

I looked down at this little lifeless bee At the exact place where its life had run out And where it had fallen without warning or ceremony And thought to myself That more or less Our lives and deaths Are little more ceremonious. ***** 171

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More Mellow Or More Grumpy?

11-26-2018 A plus and a minus about aging. _____ 1.

Through the use of embryonic-like stem cells Implanted in mature individuals One can extend human life-expectancy.

2.

It's encouraging to imagine How much more wisdom we might be able to accumulate With all those extra years of life and experience − And how much more even tempered and understanding We might become.

3.

But on the other hand − As there's always an "other hand" − Rather than becoming More mellow, wise and open-minded with age We might in fact become More grumpy and close-minded And more set in our ways and more prejudice than ever. ~ Oh, the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde That's in all of us and life. ***** 172

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Leaning Into The Wind 12-2-2018 A constant effort and fight. _____ 1.

His worries and troubles Were a mixture Originating from himself And from the world itself.

And what made it especially confusing Was the fact That he often couldn't tell which was From one And which was From the other.

2.

For him, the winds were never calm And blew from every which and shifting direction With a ferocity that always had him Leaning into the wind.

3.

Facing one way Then the other He was always Leaning into the wind Just to keep his footing. ***** 173

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A Private Communion 12-2-2018 My private nightly wine ritual. _____ 1.

Before going to bed My nightly ritual Is to read for a while And then have a glass of red wine.

2.

It's a daily ritual − The final event of my day That represents and celebrates The official Close-of-Day Wherein all my work is done.

3.

It's the time of day That I look forward to − That point in a long and busy day Where I turn around the sign on the door So it reads "Closed."

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4.

After reading It's just me And my little glass of wine − My companion glass of wine.

5.

This is the time Where I do my best and most unobstructed Thinking, planning and worrying And where I have no fear of interruption Or of judgment.

6.

This is the private time and place Where I'm with a companion with whom I trust implicitly And with whom I can commiserate.

It's a time of private communion with someone or something Who can draw the best out of me − Who can share my burdens Calm my fears And encourage my hopes.

7.

It's a forum Like no other time, place, stage, company or confessional Where I can speak openly and honestly.

It's a forum where I can bear my soul Without fear, embarrassment or reservation.

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8.

With my glass of wine It's a time, place, condition and forum Where my true soul − My alter egos And my multiple personalities − (Which we all have to one degree or another) Weigh in unjudgmentally.

9.

With my glass of wine It's a time, place, condition and forum Where it's me talking to myself And me looking in the mirror − Where the heartbeat I hear is my heartbeat And heartbeat of Life itself − Where it's me being alone with myself − Being alone, but at the same time Not being alone.

10.

With my glass of wine It's a time, place, condition and forum Where I summarize my day With all its plusses and minuses − With all its achievements and disappointments − And where I plan out the mundane Of what I have to do tomorrow As well as contemplate on the more complex matters of Who I am And who I want to be And about all of Life and what's left of it And of the finality or non-finality of Death.

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11.

It's a silent and reflective time for me − A time of self-inspection − A quiet time of reward and refuge That I afford myself each night − A simple little quiet and private time That I look forward to In this busy, noisy and distractive world That canopies over me. *****

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Mysterianism 12-2-2018 Our capabilities and capacities are limited. _____ 1.

Mysterianism Is the belief that despite What cognitive advances we've made Or will make There are innate stone-wall limits To our intellectual capacities and capabilities Beyond which We cannot go any further.

2.

Mysterianism Is the belief that there are things That we will never be able to understand.

It tells us that "Even the brightest and most curious dog Is not going to master arithmetic."

3.

Mysterianism Is a school of thought That is somewhere between Science and philosophy Or where they intersect.

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4.

While evolution and knowledge building Will bring us beyond our present boundaries We will only arrive at new boundaries And at some point to the boundaries That we'll not be capable of going beyond.

These will be the boundaries Where we can go no further In our understanding of things − Where things will be simply and plainly Beyond our comprehension now and always − Where things will remain a mystery Because we just don't have And never will have The requisite brain power needed.

5.

Although it's not anything that should inhibit us From moving forward It's an objective and sobering fact of life That just like the brightest and most curious dog Won't ever be able to do arithmetic There are some things in this universe That are so complex That we just don't have the computational brain power To decipher or comprehend them No matter what. *****

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Purely Linear 12-10-2018 She's so straight. _____ 1.

She lives in a flat world With no perception of dimension Or even curvature.

2.

She can only see The surface of things − No depth, width or height together.

3.

She has no concept of a cube And its associated volume.

4.

She is linear And only linear In both perception, thinking And understanding.

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5.

She can only follow a direct path.

She can't see around the bend So if there are any twists or turns in the road She'll get lost.

6.

For her to grasp or understand anything It must come directly and straight in With no frills or innuendos.

7.

And as for jokes She hardly ever gets them And they have to be explained to her.

Also, I've never heard her tell a joke For the same, similar and related reasons.

8.

She has difficulty connecting the dots And is often stopped by simple logic Which might have something to do with Synapses in the brain Or who knows what.

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9.

She is often stopped By little intellectual obstacles That even common sense or momentum Could overcome Or get around in stride.

10.

One may be annoyed at and critical of All her shortcomings Or become frustrated with them And her inability to communicate well And even use them to make fun of her.

But if you look at the other side of things They are manifestations of a rare honesty And not having a devious bone in her body Which are things to be admired And hard to find.

11.

Yes, she lives in a linear one-dimensional world − And a world of limited capacity But by the same token A direct and honest world − One that is special and exceptional And that should not be undervalued. *****

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A Tiny Bell 12-10-2018 A bell that won't be rung. _____ 1.

While there are others Two things stand out in particular That I'm most proud of And distinguish me from the masses So to speak And that's with respect to my poetry And my music compositions.

2.

I don't mean this in any self-absorbed way But I truly believe that I have A way with words in my poetry And a gift of melody in my music.

3.

In my life There were two people who recognized that And they were Tom Carroll, my former friend and boss With respect to my writings And Katarina Boudreaux, my pianist With respect to my music.

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4.

With Tom Carroll deceased And Katarina Boudreau living way down in New Orleans I project with sadness and regret That there may be no one who will attend my wake Who can say with authority, experience and belief A few words about these two little talents.

5.

Yes, while there'll be some Polite and boiler plate words spoken about me There won't be anyone who could say What these two people could have said As clear and distinct As a tiny bell In the silence of the room. *****

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Reincarnation 12-14-2018 What reincarnation really is and means. _____ 1.

When you are born You are an assembly of components Drawn from the earth − The nutrients of other things and beings That have been "reincarnated" into you.

2.

Reincarnation is not a process Where the soul Lives on beyond the body's demise Marking time While it waits for its new host To be created.

Rather it dies and decomposes Along and in conjunction with the body To which it had been part and parcel Absent of any of the mysticism That's commonly associated with The nature of reincarnation.

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3.

The soul is, in my opinion, A field of some sort Similar perhaps to an electromagnetic or electrical field That emanates from the complex workings and interplay Of the body and its brain Which field is our consciousness But which field Will disintegrate along and in tandem with the body And where its resulting decomposition Will become nutrients That will incorporate themselves into another assembly of life Which is the true nature and physics Of reincarnation.

4.

So since we ourselves were assembled From various nutrients And will be the contributing nutrients For an array of life forms that succeed us Reincarnation is basically A simple process of "recycling".

And while the term recycling May not sound as mystical and exotic As the term "reincarnation" It is in fact As it has the perfect philosophical and spiritual balance Of nobility and humility − Egos aside.

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5.

And just as we put aside the egotistical beliefs That the Sun revolved around the Earth And that we were the center of the Universe And that we did not evolve from apes We will put aside in time The traditional and ego-based beliefs That we currently hold about reincarnation. *****

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"When I Leave This World" 12-18-2018 An erroneous and contradictory statement. _____ 1.

We so often attach the following statement To many a phase and in many circumstances: "When I leave this world......"

But it's such an illusionary or delusionary phrase Because in fact We will never leave this world.

2.

When we are born We came from a mixture of things From this world.

And when we die We'll be broken down And delivered back to it.

3.

So despite the fact that this phrase Is deeply rooted and ingrained As a matter of religious and philosophical belief And we've not been trained to think otherwise The truth is We will never leave this world. ***** 188

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Frieda Abracheff 12-18-2018 About an old tenement neighbor of mine. _____ 1.

Freda was originally from Germany And married a Nicolai Abracheff Who was from Bulgaria Both of whom settled in Manhattan.

2.

Nicolai was most noted For his still and landscape paintings And like all artists Was not rich, but got by As best as I understand it.

3.

I met Frieda When I moved into Apartment 52 Which was a one bedroom apartment next door to hers In a 5 story walk-up tenement At 553 3rd Avenue in New York City Adjacent to the noisy Queens-Mid-Town Tunnel.

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4.

When I met Frieda Nicolai had already passed away And she was just barely getting by In a $30 a month rent-controlled apartment − Can you believe an apartment in Manhattan For $30 a month?

5.

Poor Frieda She was old and almost disabled And didn't have any source of income Except maybe from social security And so had to resort To selling her deceased husband's paintings To make ends meet.

6.

Her apartment was so full of stuff That you could hardly move around.

It was also cockroach infested With roaches running around everywhere − On all the walls, windowsills and tables.

And when you opened the kitchen draws Or turned on the light Hundreds of roaches would scatter Like a herd that got spooked.

And because she had poor eyesight I'm not sure if she ever really knew How bad things actually were.

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7.

Poor Frieda She was overweight With legs and feet that were swollen to 2 or 3 times their normal size.

8.

Poor Frieda When she went shopping for her groceries She had to climb up and down 5 steep flights of stairs.

Getting down the stairs was hard enough But getting up them Was a real and strenuous ordeal.

9.

Oh what a problem getting up those stairs posed for her.

First she had to put her shopping bag on the next step up.

Then put one foot and leg on that same step.

Then by laboriously using the banister and the wall To leverage herself She got her other foot and leg up.

Now with both feet and her shopping bag Securely on the same step She began that same one-by-one process again 130 times Representing the 130 steps of those 5 flights Which took her about 40 minutes all in all So that by the time she got to her door She was exhausted and hurting.

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10.

Poor Frieda With her legs so swollen and heavy It was so very hard for her to get around And I'm sure they hurt her all the time.

Her feet were particularly problematical In that in order to get into her shoes She had to cut the leather To open them up.

Not only was it uncomfortable But when she went shopping And it was snowing or raining The snow and rain Would just flow into them.

11.

Poor Frieda What a life she had And one that makes me think about What might possibly be in store for me In my old age. *****

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You Pay For Privilege 4-26-2018 More sophistication, more pain. _____ 1.

The world is built on One thing feeding on the other − Literally.

2.

It's a cruel world Where in order to survive You not only have to kill something But deplorably, despicably and conceptually disgustingly − You have to eat it.

Just the concept of it makes me sick.

3.

And the higher on the food chain you are The more pain is involved in your being prey Which is ironically the "reward" you get For your privileged position in the chain.

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4.

Inert minerals absorbing other minerals Feel little or no pain.

Plants eaten by animals Might feel some pain, I would imagine.

But animals feel excruciating pain When they're taken down by a carnivorous beast.

5.

What does this tell us About our supposed sophistication in this world When it's all about killing and eating one another?

And about the nobility of the world itself?

6.

And what else does it tell us about a convoluted system Where the price you pay in pain is higher The higher up and more sophisticated you are And where in truth You painfully pay for that privilege. *****

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Nose Dive 12-15-2018 An unselfish decision under extreme pressure. _____ 1.

One of them broke into the cockpit And killed the pilot and co pilot.

Then after taking over the controls He made the announcement to the passengers That the plane had been hijacked.

2.

Quick action At the outset of a crisis Often produces a better result Than waiting As it knocks the perpetrators off their game Before they get settled and into it and more in control And before the passengers Have mentally surrendered themselves.

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3.

Knowing this One of the passengers jumped up And began advancing fast Toward to the hijacker who was in the cabin And as he did He sparked a few others To do the same.

4.

With a few passengers now rushing him From multiple directions The hijacker was confused as to what to do.

He needed time to think But the charging passengers Didn't give him that time And he froze − Froze for just enough time For them to take him down And wrestle his gun away.

5.

They then moved into the cockpit With gun in hand And demanded that he give up the controls.

He refused, so they shot him in the leg for emphasis But he still wouldn't surrender Aiming, they figured For another spectacular 911-like suicide event.

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6.

Then, before they knew it, The hijacker bit into the cyanide pill That he carried around his neck And died for Allah within seconds.

The passengers were now on their own As there was not one of them Including the other hijacker Who could fly a plane.

7.

One of passengers then got into the pilot's seat And tried to contact someone by radio But the hijackers had disabled it.

They were truly on their own.

8.

The passenger-pilot tried a few things And was only able to laboriously and irregularly Get the nose of the plane to move up and down − But that's all he could get it to do.

The plane was losing altitude and speed And would soon hit the ground Where it would take many additional lives As it skidded and plowed through homes and highways And before it caught fire and exploded.

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9.

A decision had to be made − A quick, drastic, unselfish and sacrificial decision And the passenger pilot made that decision Which the others bought into as a single-thinking unit: They would put the plane in a nose dive And hit the ground in one single and catastrophic event.

10.

By putting the plane in a nose dive They figured The crash would concentrate the ground damage Into the smallest radius And possible reduce or eliminate the loss of ground life.

It would also kill the passengers instantly And therefore painlessly Sparing them from possibly being burned alive Or suffering slow and painful deaths.

11.

It was a terrible decision But the right one And they did it bravely And for the greater good. *****

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Just Duck And Shoot 3-5-2018 No time for analysis. _____ 1.

I was under attack And jumped into a ditch To avoid being hit by the bullets That were flying over and all around me.

The whistling of those bullets was terrifying.

2.

I tried to calm myself enough to figure out Who might be shooting at me, and why?

Was it because of something I did, or didn't do?

Or was it just a random act of some maniac?

3.

But having no time For any arm-chair analysis I just had time enough To duck and shoot back. *****

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Why Even Try? 3-19-2018 The story of an contributor and non-contributor. _____ 1.

For 30 years he worked hard Often working 2 jobs To make ends meet.

He barely had enough to pay for His rent, food, health insurance and other living expenses But he managed it As he was a responsible person Who always paid his taxes And always carried his own weight.

He was a contributor.

2.

Everyday he'd sacrifice To save a little From each of his paychecks And in 30 years He had saved up about $50,000 For his retirement Which was quite an achievement All things considered.

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3.

Then he got sick And had to go to the emergency room Where he was seated next to someone Who had come into the country illegally Had always been on welfare Had never had insurance And even had a criminal record Making him a non-contributor − A user and a taker − Who was both a risk to society And an expense to the taxpayers.

4.

As it turned out both of them needed an operation That would cost about $60,000 each.

So here's what went down at the hospital With respect to these two: While they both got their respective operations The contributor had to pay the $60,000 $50,000 of which wiped out All his life and retirement savings And the other $10,000 would be paid Through the garnishment of his salary for the rest of his life.

The non-contributor on the other hand Got his operation for free − With no strings attached.

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5.

After 30 years of hard work and saving The contributor was bankrupt And his life financially ruined Whereas the taker and non-contributor Was left smug and unaffected by it all − Like water off a duck's back. ~ And the twisted moral to this story?: Why even try? *****

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The Biker-Minister (On Joe Rasile, Jr.) 11-19-2018 Observations about my grand nephew-in-law. ______ 1.

When I first met him in Brooklyn − When he was dating my niece, Debby − He looked distant, surly And like the street-tough Italian Brooklyn boy That he actually was.

It also didn't seem like they had much going for them For he was 10 years younger than Debby And Debby already had 4 children by a previous marriage.

Furthermore, he only had a job Flipping hamburgers at McDonalds With no prospect or apparent ambition for anything more.

With all that put together I figured It would never last And even if it did last for them I figured That he'd never fit into the family.

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2.

But they did last And have been together for years now And had 2 more children together − Totaling 6 kids in their family altogether.

And to boot, he also did fit into the family − And as quite a unique and character member.

3.

He took on all of Debby's 4 kids as his own And despite the relatively small differences Between his age and her kids' ages They amazingly not only took to him But also looked up to him Not only as a father figure but also as a counselor Because he had a unique type of personality − Rough and tough on the one hand But approachable and engaging on the other.

He also built up the same relationship With the 2 daughters he had in common with Debby.

4.

Then, to his credit He got a good paying job as a corrections officer Which was a natural for him Being the big and tough guy that he was.

Apropos to that, he accumulated an arsenal of guns.

He also became a biker With goatee, tattoos, shaved head and a huge beer belly.

Then he went and became an ordained minister − God knows why or how, but he did.

There was just something in him that made him The diverse and bigger than life character that he was and is.

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5.

You just never know how things turn out in life.

And the way things start out Often turn out surprisingly Very different.

There are never any Final endings to life's stories Rather, just a serial stream Of continuous and ever-evolving Temporary endings. *****

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All Debts Come Due 3-8-2018 An analogy about life. _____ 1.

I was given life And it's only fair And expected That I pay it back.

2.

Life is a loan That comes due at death.

3.

I was given life And one day soon I'll have to pay it back As all debts come due. *****

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Names 2-8-2018 What's in a name? _____ 1.

While birth names are given For practical identification purposes They are often given based on superfluous things Originating out of Expectations, tradition and superstition.

They are representations of things Without much tangible basis for them.

Shots in the dark.

Blindfolded throws at a dartboard.

I have no problem with that.

2.

But when it comes to middle names however They should be assigned Not at birth But sometime later in life Based on a combination of One's achievements and characteristics to date.

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3.

Then when one is into one's latter years Or even near, or at the end of one's life There should be a third name given Or even a name change That represents one's overall Achievements, character or nature Which by the way Was the practice of the Native Americans.

4.

But having said that It also can be said That a good man needs no name. *****

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Why "Tom" And Not "Dad"?

(On Tom Carroll) 7-14-2018 They never called him Dad. _____ 1.

Tom Carroll − My former boss and friend had two children − A son and a daughter.

2.

On the surface It seemed like a normal father and children relationship Except that I found it strange That they always called him "Tom" instead of "Dad." 3.

Since he was in fact their father What was this "Tom" thing all about And the story behind it?

4.

And when he died I went to his memorial service And noticed that neither of his children attended.

I couldn't help putting 2 and 2 together and connecting the dots Figuring that this was not Just a coincidence. ***** 209

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I'm My Own Shrink 7-25-2018 Commentary on today's over use of therapists. _____ 1.

So many people these days Turn themselves over To therapists Whenever they have emotional issues.

2.

I suspect though that In most cases It does little good.

And often a good deal of harm.

3.

Therapists are addictive And addiction and dependency on anything Is never good.

4.

In the old days and in my old neighborhood Therapists were unheard of: One, because they were expensive Two, because it was embarrassing and Three, because you were just expected To work things out yourself Or just live with it.

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5.

I'm not saying that one should never use a therapist For some issues are major enough to warrant professional help But that we often turn to them too soon And for relatively minor problems Without even trying to work things out ourselves first.

We, in effect, delegate problem solving To others without taking a shot at it ourselves. ("God helps those that help themselves", right?)

6.

As for me I've never used a therapist For I've always believed − And not in any egotistical way − That I was my own best therapist And that if I had a problem I should work things out myself.

7.

Just as exposure to germs is actually good for you In that it builds up your immune system Exposure to problems and problem solving Is good for your mental and psychological system In that it creates a methodology of self-help And self-reliance.

8.

And the method I use, is: Having a long and no-holds-barred conversation with myself − Talking things through with myself In as many sessions as necessary And for as long as it takes.

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9.

As to what the problem is And its solution Is often a guessing game − A process of trial and error − And a game of negotiation and compromise.

Sometimes there is no definitive answer as to what the problem is And the solution is not without post operational complications In that I may not be able to correct things 100% myself And may have to walk with a little limp But at least I'm up and about and on my feet on my own And not forever dependent on someone else.

10.

Two ancillary tools I use to cope Are writing poetry and music.

A third is reading about space and science Which distracts me from my problems here on earth And even absorbs them.

11.

But the core solution lies in talking to myself Which is an ongoing conversation That is sometime light And sometimes intense.

12.

Well now you know my solution to things − Not perfect But perfect enough.

Each has his or her own methodology As everyone goes to Hell in his own way. ***** 212

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One Time Use 2-27-2018 Used and discarded. _____ 1.

When you look at me There's nothing in your eyes.

Don't you have any love Or even empathy for me?

Can't you see How much you've hurt me?

2.

Was I just something that you used And then discarded?

Was I just something that you just drank dry And then moved on?

Was I just a one-time-use?

3.

Have you no conscience?

Have you no heart or soul? *****

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The Work After Composing 2-19-2018 Composing is the easy part. _____ 1.

I love the compositions that I write And, in my opinion, feel they're better Than much of what I hear on the radio Even from well-known composers − Not technically better perhaps As I've had no training in composition But melodically and emotionally better.

2.

I say this not out of boasting And I only say it to myself Or occasionally to Vi. 3.

Someday I hope that I'll find a way To promote or market the music I write To confirm my opinion about it But that will require a lot of upfront And behind the scenes Work.

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4.

I know for a fact: In creating anything There's more work involved Than meets the eye − More behind-the-scenes work Than anyone might suspect.

The same is true with respect to creating music In that the fun, fast and easy part Is in the writing And the real hard and time consuming parts Are the editing, recording and production elements.

5.

Writing music Is like making a baby Where the making is the easy part And the raising of it Is the hardest, longest and most expensive part.

Also in many ways The most important part in music Is not the composition of it But rather the work that's needed after composition − The work that's needed To give it tangible value − The work that's needed To get it to point that it can be heard − To get it recorded on CDs. And further if you want to get it to a broader audience You have to promote it And that means the long hard work of Marketing.

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6.

So if you're not willing to do all the hard work After composition To bring it to the point Where it can be heard by one or many What's point of it all?

And that being the case It raises the philosophical question: "If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it Was there a sound?" ~ And similarly: "If you never get to hear the music Was there any music at all?" *****

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My Proxy Voice (On Katarina Boudreaux) 6-24-2018 About Katarina, my pianist. _____ 1.

When I sit down at the piano And play a few notes Something resonates in me Whereby, almost automatically, I begin composing, Building measure by laborious measure.

2.

And when I finish my compositions I'm faced with the frustration Of not being able to play them well enough To give them justice Which makes me feel like a mute.

3.

Thankfully tough, I have Katarina, my pianist Who can speak for me − Who can play my compositions.

She's the proxy voice that I don't have Who can address the world On my mute and handicapped behalf. ***** 217

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Marks Of Character 3-20-2018 This old house of ours. _____ 1.

Over time This old house of ours Has settled and sunk Became warped and misaligned Developed cracks and crevices Separations and contractions And many rises and dips in its floors All of which give it "character" − A unique fingerprint character.

2.

I look at all these imperfections Philosophically.

3.

The squeaks in the stairs and the floors Are all signs of life − Responses to whomever moves about − A sort of two-way conversation − A form of mutual recognition As a servant might recognize the master or mistress As he or she enters the room.

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4.

And the constant drafts That waft through the house And brush against my face Remind me that I'm still connected To the cold, outside world And that although this old house Cannot protect me fully Out of love of it I make excuses for it.

5.

And when I hear the mice scurrying behind the walls Although I'm fearful of the damage they may do It makes me acutely aware That I'm part and parcel of a one-world system With each member in it Looking for shelter and survival With no one having More right or privilege Than the other.

6.

I identify with our house And its aches, pains and imperfections And accept its weathered look And the wrinkles on its face As marks of character. *****

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The Solicitor-Beggar 11-17-2018 Reflections on my music. _____ 1.

My music compositions Are mostly private and personal endeavors That I rarely share with anyone.

They have no commercial objective And just something that I do for myself As my little mark in life − My little footprint in the snow − And for whatever value they may have For those I leave them to.

2.

But once in a while I overcome my reticence to share And share some of them With my family and others Just to see the receptivity they might get.

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3.

And when I do share them − And because of the lukewarm reception they often receive − I sometimes feel Like a solicitor or beggar at the door Who gets that blank stare that kinda says: "Thanks, but no thanks" And who walks back down the stoop A little wounded and dejected And needing to take a number of deep breaths Before he goes to the next door If he goes to the next door all. *****

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My Piano 3-22-2018 My panacea. _____ 1.

When I'm edgy or tense Worried or bored Anxious or unsettled Or just feeling plain old low and lonely I look over at my piano And know what I can do for my relief − Sit down at the piano.

2.

And when I do And began begin playing a few random notes That sound interesting The tension, worry and anxiety All seem to evaporate As I enter that wonderland Of composition − That wonderland Of musical therapy for me.

3.

My piano is My panacea. ***** 222

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Composing Music 2-16-2018 Composing music is both a blessing and a curse. _____ 1.

Whenever I sit down at the piano And begin playing A piece by Grieg, Barber, Beethoven Or whomever I become distracted by an urge inside of me To write my own music Which overtakes everything else.

2.

This situation is both a curse and a blessing.

It's a curse In that I can't master the playing Of a piece of someone else's music Because I'm constantly writing my own music.

It's also a blessing In that I'm happy To be able to compose music at all.

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3.

It's also a curse in the sense That while the writing Is the easier and less time consuming part It creates a mountain of subsequent work − The work of editing, recording, mastering, and CD production.

The tail is bigger than the dog.

And just like making a baby Is the easy part The long, hard and expensive part Is raising it.

4.

But despite being difficult Raising a child is a blessing too Because after the long hard work is done You have something to show for it − A reflection of yourself − And something to be proud of. *****

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Why Do They Call It A Wake?

1-7-2018 An open and playful curiosity lost. _____ 1.

Why the heck do they call it a wake?

"He's being waked at Doherty's Funeral Home."

Is the deceased somehow going to be waked?

Is the deceased somehow going to be woken up?

What's with that?

An oxymoron of the 10th magnitude?

2.

I always wondered about that But never went any further Than to entertain a mild curiosity about it.

3.

But one day I looked it up and found out That in most Celtic countries in Europe It used to be the custom for mourners to stay "awake" And keep a watch or vigil over their dead Until he or she was buried.

4.

Although the mystery has been put to rest − With no pun intended − Unfortunately, so has the playful curiosity surrounding it. ***** 225

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Their Love Had Changed 10-4-2018 The complexions of love. _____ 1.

He was American And she was Korean.

He was tall, handsome and manly And she was petite, shy and exotic.

They were different But a Ying and Yang different Where each By all accounts Complimented the other.

They were in love − Truly in love.

2.

And there was the practical side of things too In that he could provide the material conveniences That she could never have gotten in her homeland As well as the equality That she could never experience with a Korean husband.

And on his side she could provide him With the exotic excitement and satisfaction Of a beautiful and doting wife That he would have difficulty finding in an American wife.

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3.

Shortly after their marriage They had two children: A boy, then a girl − Perfect all the way around − And they lived their lives Just like all happy couples do.

4.

Then with time and age their love weathered.

The glow came off.

The former excitement cooled and atrophied.

The special and exotic love that they had Became routine − Just like for so many others.

They had changed And accordingly Love had redefined itself.

They changed from lovers To companions.

5.

He was no longer as manly As he used to be And she was no longer as exotic and intoxicating As she used to be.

Their loved had changed.

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6.

They've been together for 40 years so far And would stay together Until death do they part.

7.

Yes their love had changed But it was still love − But now a seasoned and tested love.

It was a comfortable and stable love − A love of duty and continuity − An admirable and enviable love.

8.

He was still the good provider and protector and father And she was still the loyal homemaker wife and mother.

Yes, time and age had changed their love In that they had more of what might now be called A relationship.

But it was a solid and loving one.

9.

Oh, one might say That they had fallen out of love Because so much of the glitter had come off.

But in fact, they had fallen more in love Just in a different, deeper and more subtle way And into a love of rock solid Loyalty and duty.

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10.

Just like their faces had changed With age So was it with their love Which had matured In tandem lock-step Giving it the classic character That was the envy of everyone. *****

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We All Roll Over On Our Backs 2-14-2018 Persistent similarities. _____ 1.

All life forms are similar In both shape and operation.

2.

Life started out in the form of little round cells That then mutated − Evolved − Into headless and limbless Rectangular shapes.

3.

Then what grew out of that − What evolved − Were the little stubby extensions Of necks, heads, fins, paws and legs.

But in that evolution We all retained that common Rectangular shape.

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4.

And as things evolved further Came hands, feet, fingers and toes But we still retained that original and basic Rectangle shape.

5.

And then at some point in this progression That rectangle shape of ours Began walking upright − We went from a horizontal rectangle To a vertical rectangle − But still A rectangle.

6.

And in addition to having that common rectangular shape All of us: the animals, fish, birds and insects Operate pretty much the same way too: The in and out processes of breathing and feeding − Of input and output − Of consuming and then leaving trails of waste Behind all our persistent little rectangles.

7.

Although evolution has changed us The basics haven't changed With respect to shape and operation.

And likewise in the end and to that point When we die − Just like the insects do − We roll over on our backs And face the sky. ***** 231

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Never To See The Light Of Day 3-20-2018 A catch 22 about my works. _____ 1.

I'm so busy writing my poems and music That I have little time For promoting them.

2.

As soon as one is written Another is born in my head Begging for attention.

3.

And when I've completed a set of works I give some of the CDs To a few relatives and friends With the rest going into inventory In the closet Where they'll probably Never see the light of day.

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4.

Someday...someday...

I tell my self I'll work on promoting them But I have a suspicion That I may be just lying to myself Or at least deluding myself Because of my propensity to keep composing And my reticence for marketing.

5.

This is my dilemma − My double edged sword − My inseparable and Siamese mix of My desire for composition And my non-desire to market them.

6.

Not marketing my works however Is like writing letters But never mailing them.

7.

It's also like a Catch 22 Where the more I write The less time I have To market them. *****

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Keeping Busy Mutually (On Vi And Me) 11-18-2018 Complementary busyness. _____ 1.

I'm so busy on the business side of things With the maintenance of our house and grounds The management of our rentals And monitoring our finances And on the personal side With my poetry, music and reading That I sometimes have little time for Vi. 2.

But thankfully, Vi is busy on her things too − Busy with her cooking and sewing Playing innocent little gambling games on her iPad Her never-ending researches on the internet And her voluminous note taking.

3.

Thank god we each have our respective little things to do That are rewarding and self-fulfilling to each other So that we don't have imbalanced demands On the other's time and attention − Thank god for ourselves Both as individuals And as a couple. ***** 234

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Phrases And Quotes That Impressed Me 3-1-2018 Taken from some of the books I've read. _____ 1.

I love the way words can be Used, constructed and combined To say, express or convey things.

The following stanza contains some phrases From some of the recent books I've read.

2.

"It's a battle of wits."

"It hit me like a train exploding from a dark tunnel."

The Navajo saying; "Even the still wind has a voice."

"Let's attack this with optimism."

"An edgy silence."

A Churchill quote: "In calm seas it's easy to criticize the captain Who got you through the stormy waters."

Also from Churchill: "This fight against my inclinations requires the whole of me."

And a comment made about Churchill's wife: "She had to live around his edges." *****

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Self-Righteous Liberals 3-23-2018 Deceivingly out of perspective and proportion. ____ 1.

Oh you one-eyed, half-brained liberals − You biased and opinionated hypocrites Who think you're so righteously above all the rest So much so that you can't think straight − So much so that you've gone Common sense blind.

2.

You criticize America and all its failings for self-serving effect Without any regard to how false your accusations are.

You portray this country as the worst country in the world And what's most despicably upsetting is That it's not just naiveté It's downright lying In order to elevate yourself And your deceitful self-righteousness.

How narcissistic and self-serving.

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3.

And how out of perspective And out of context you make things.

You focus on and condemn the petty thief And ignore the murderer and his victim All to make a name for yourself − All to draw grandiose attention to your "crusader" self.

4.

I'm not saying That we should ignore The wrongs we have in this country But they pale in comparison and proportion To what goes on in other countries.

Where is you righteous exposure and criticism of them And the bigger and more heinous issues?

5.

By going after and exaggerating All that's wrong with this country You're just going after the low-hanging fruit Not for the good of the country But to grandstand And hypocritically take center stage.

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6.

The problems we have in this country Are certainly "problems" that should be addressed But they don't come close To the "cancers" you portray them to be And to the real cancers and atrocities That go on in other countries But yet you shamelessly Continue to take your cheap shots.

We are almost Saints compared to other countries Yet you chose to make us into Devils, you ingrates.

7.

Attention getting and self-promotion is your real goal In all the rhetoric you spew.

What's with you And your outright deception and dishonesty?

8.

Yes we are guilty of many things in this country But your exaggerations are so off base.

For example when there are some murders or injustices Committed here in the States You are quick to jump on your soap box Accusing us of being "The the worst country in the world!"

But yet when ethnic, religious and political mass murders Occur in other countries In the millions − 1, 2, 5, 19 and 20 million people And on a scale that equals the size of entire populations − I don't see you taking up those causes.

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9.

Oh you self-righteous, hypocritical arm-chair liberals Look yourselves in the mirror And direct your energies On real evil and injustices in the world Instead of picking the easy and spotlight ones That foster your own self-serving agendas.

Get real.

Get honest. *****

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Music And Gravity 1-6-2018 How gravity and music work together, in a way. _____ 1.

So many of the classical musicians From Eastern and Western Europe Gravitated to Paris or Vienna Because that was where The centers of music were at the time And where music was most appreciated.

They were the hubs of the music world.

2.

In America today The main music cities Are Los Angeles and Nashville And to where So many of today's composers and musicians Gravitated.

3.

Just as all heavenly bodies are formed and governed By the central force of gravity So are the centers of music, so to speak. ***** 240

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Cutting Off My Nose (On Vi) 1-2-2018 Making a painful point. _____ 1.

I've tried so many times to get Vi To clean up her room And the ante-room next to it For over the years It's become a hoarder's den With the closets bulging with clothes As well as so many clothes hanging on and over Every door and chair.

And then to add visual and psychological insult to injury There's all the accumulations of stuff On the floor, dresser tops, the bed And every other horizontal surface.

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2.

Knowing she's "guilty" She keeps the door locked And I have to knock when I want to speak to her.

And when she opens it, she only cracks it open To the sliver-amount you'd get With a chained hotel door To prevent me from seeing The embarrassing mess inside.

3.

I spent so much time fixing up our house − 7 and 1/2 years to be exact And many more periods of time after that With improvements, maintenance and repairs − That it pains me to see what she has turned it into.

4.

It hurts me to know that I can't enjoy This lovely room and its adjacent ante room With its beautiful 2700 panoramic view Of the river and lawn.

And it hurts all the more When, not having any experience in putting in a window, I remember all the trial and error effort it took me To cut a hole through the wall and outside of the house So that we could have a window To enjoy that beautiful and special river view But which view I'm barred from seeing now By being locked out in the hallway.

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5.

She uses every excuse and delaying tactic As to why she doesn't clean things up: "Oh, I will, but just want to go through everything To see what I can give away"; Or "Oh, I'm just letting out all my clothes So they'll fit my current size."

Oh, this, Oh, that − I've heard them all for years now.

6.

I'd get so frustrated and mad sometimes That I'd yell at her to try and make my point And encourage some action All without any tangible effect.

7.

Well, as you might expect Things built up To the point where I reached my limit And couldn't take it any more And just shut down.

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8.

Now I'm giving her the cold shoulder And hardly talking to her anymore So that when she asks me things I only answer with "yes"es and "no"s.

I also don't kiss her good-morning or goodnight like I used to do.

I've also declined to go to some of her family functions And to dinner with some friends when she asks As she's turned me into "Bad company."

9.

I've vowed to be this way Until she gets her room cleaned up And allows me access.

10.

The cost of all of this Is taking a toll on me.

It's made me very mad and vindictive And it's breaking my heart And I'm hurting myself in the process.

I don't want it to be this way But she's pushed me to my limit Where I feel that I've just got to get this room back And reattached to the house.

I've got to make this house Whole again As a house divided Will certainly fall.

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11.

I hope, before it's too late That she will come to realize The effect such things as these can have On relationships − How such little things accumulate And build up over time Often to a point of no return.

And I hope that she doesn't underestimate The damage she's doing From the resentment and hurt I'm feeling And that's eating at my love for her.

12.

It's on her now.

She's pushed me to my limit.

She's made me cut off my nose To spite my face. *****

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"Why Don't You Market Them?"

1-6-2018 Reasons and excuses. _____ 1.

They keep saying to me, "Why don't you market them − Your music and your poetry?"

2.

There are many reasons why not But probably none are good excuses But here goes: "I write so much music and poetry That I barely have enough time for writing And no time left over for marketing."

How's that?

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3.

I'm constantly writing poetry About anything and everything that ignites something in me: Something humorous or sentimental A play on words An observation or opinion A feeling or hurt An analogy or comparison Or whatever And because such sparks Are always igniting something in me I'm continuously writing Leaving no time for marketing.

4.

It's the same with my music In that when I sit done at the piano And begin to write I get swept up with the flow And can't stop until I've finished a piece.

And as soon as I finish one I get swept away with a new emotional musical phrase That just comes to me and I'm off writing another So again, I have just enough time to keep up with my new stuff And very little time For marketing.

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5.

Another reason That I haven't been involved in marketing Is due to my lack of confidence That my work will be liked or even accepted And a way, I guess, to avoid the hurt of possible rejection.

It's also due in part To a sense of general shyness or modesty About my work.

6.

Another excuse for having no time for marketing Might be due to the discouraging fact That in addition to all the time that's needed for the writing itself Is the huge and daunting administrative time that's needed To edit, record and publish my works Onto CDs and into books.

7.

Another excuse is that by having established a web site Whereby my works are available to all I am in fact marketing them.

But having said that, I know, That that only constitutes a veiled form of marketing them − A passive form of marketing − Rather than the positive and pro-active marketing Which is what's really needed to qualify as Marketing.

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8.

Reasons and or excuses Whatever the case may be If I never get around to truly marketing my works On a proactive basis To gain any traction while I'm alive I'll guess I'll just have to be content In considering them as a personal inheritance That I'll leave to and for my loved ones In the hope that they may find enough in them To market them themselves And leave it at that. *****

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