Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Seven

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 7

f

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.

Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. Just In Time 2. If I Were A Movie Director 3. The Cyanide Solution 4. Robots 5. Here In The Field 6. Bushido 7. Getting The Kinks Out Of Life 8. Old Memories 9. Inside Out 10. Further Down The Line 11. Elvis − He Was My Man 12. I Never Knew 13. An Escape From The Funeral Fire 14. Tell Me I Wasn’t A Bad Person 15. You’ve Added Another One To Your List (On Tom Carroll) 16. Everything Has A Mind And Thinks 17. Population Control 18. He Did − But No He Didn’t 19. I’m Sure They Thought Me A Little Strange 20. Reasonable And Unreasonable Doubt 21. Finding God 22. Knocking On The Sky 23. This World Is Ours And Theirs 24. Your Lips (To Sharon) 25. Trust Not 26. Bend Low About The Door 27. Heat Rising From Satan’s Hell

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Lacking A Hardened Crust?

Dusk Defeats A Lovely Grecian Face (To Maureen) Know Not I The Way Stone Truth When Love Is True (To Gwen) I Saw Something Deep Within Her Eyes (To Judy) Our Spot (To Gwen) Steamy Rendezvous (To Pamela) A Meaning I Miss You Darling Girl (To Gwen) Looking At My Hands And Thinking Of The Piano More Confident Now But Still Withdrawn Full Of Unanswered Letters I Love Her When I’m Lonely (On Gwen) To Kill A Man From Yonder Churchyard Motivated To Save Myself For You (To Gwen) I Surprise Myself Sometimes Not Wanting To Awaken Her (On Stella) In L.A. (On Bich-Thuy) A Bar Fight In Denver A Valentine (To Dear Stella) Don’t Try To Follow Me The Monster I Awoke We Are Oceans My New Desk No Pictures On My Office Desk Which Would Have Been The Better Choice?

Oh What They Are Missing Only Chance And Nature Are At Play Busied With Degrees Look Beyond The Messenger Were You Ever Really There?

I Still Want To Fight Wolf Packs My Music Atrium

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The Whiners Too Many I Love You s Self Contrition (To Vi) Don’t Make It Any Worse (To Vi) The Bonkers Test I’ve Had A Lot Of Practice At Being Alone A Distinctively Better End For Us Cat Baths The Marathon Man (On Tom Carroll) My Musical Relief Cat Food Down There In The Cellar My Crossword Puzzle Fingers The End Of My Horizons The Merry-Go-Round Crucifixion Power To The People Everything Has A Voice Be Careful What You Wish For False Hope You User Loser (On Tom Carroll) Real Soldiers Don’t Boast Off To War Again On A Crest Or In A Trough?

Out-Yelling A Raging Storm Another Name For God Will Anyone Even Care?

I Don’t Last Too Long With People You’re Walking Faster Than Me Now Drawing On Marcus Aurelius You Have Your Badge I Never Know Who Will Be Speaking You Could Have Been Better Or Worse More Neutral Things I Don’t Know What It Is Between Us (On Tom Carroll)

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Nothing Original It’s Always Better To Have Tried My Verses And Routine Let The Experiment Begin Stuck In The Past What Will People See In Me? Looking For A Passage Lost It’s Only Money To Hole Up For A While The Real Heroes Enough Should Be Enough Thunder In The Well Living In A Dream Or In Reality The Last Cut Was The Deepest What I Ought To Do Is Just Pull The Plug Put Me On My Harder Side God Preserves All Our Tears Tough Love (On Tom Carroll) No More A Parasite (On Tom Carroll) The Virus Battle At Gettysburg The Best We Have For Now Nothing Comes Fast Or Easy No You Didn’t Turn Out Alright It Doesn’t Matter If It’s True Who Will Cry For Me? He Must Be Born Again (To Mike Dennis) I’m Dying To Die Have Pity On This Empty Shell Oh What The Years Had Taken We Are Labelers I Give Up, Then Rally The Race For The Bomb The 10 Round Fight Life’s Experiments Finish My Final Verses For Me I’ll Never Stop My Writing My Private Time

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My Lists Are A Constant Nag Every Dream I Have Is Tense We Know What’s Good And Bad − Instinctively Missing Home But Not Deciding To Just End It All Where Will We Take Ourselves?

Nice In The Office But Tough At Home *****

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Poems of Neil Michelsen

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y Just In Time 3-6-2010 Roaming has its consequences. _____ 1.

I didn’t intend to stay away that long But time got away from me.

2.

And while I was away Her love had sadly turned in a new direction.

3.

So, by the time I got back It was only just in time to see her leave.

4.

She was the only one I ever loved And the one I should have never left.

5.

Time just got away from me And sadly So did she. *****

1

y If I Were A Movie Director 3-15-2010 Being able to rewrite your story. _____ 1.

If I were my own movie director I’d rewrite the story of my life.

2.

If I were my own movie director I’d both change my character And get a better actor to play the part.

3.

If I were my own movie director I’d rewrite the beginning of my life And make sure it was happier than what it was.

4.

If I were my own movie director I’d make sure that in my film I was a person who was Confident and comfortable in his own skin, Did everything he wanted to do in life and did it well, And had a warm and endearing personality that everybody liked.

2

5.

And finally If I were my own movie director I’d make sure that my film Had a happy ending.

6.

This is how I’d make my movie – If I were my own movie director. *****

3

y The Cyanide Solution 4-19-2010 Guarantying a dignified ending to your life. _____ 1.

The older we get The further we revert Back to our childish ways – Back to our helpless and dependent origins.

2.

To others These reversions may be amusing But to those who suffer with their symptoms They are devastatingly embarrassing.

3.

So when both your mind and or your body Continuously fail you And you see things getting irretrievably worse And you no longer want to suffer Those degrading humiliations Just bite down on that cyanide capsule That you have in the back of your drawer And that you’ve been saving For just such a situation as this.

4

4.

Just bite down on that cyanide capsule And show yourself and the world That you’re still in control of your life And more importantly Your dignity.

5.

With your chin up high Look them straight in the eye And bid them goodbye and good luck Then bite down and show them That you’re going out in your own way − Clean, neat and quick And with the dignity you deserve. *****

5

y Robots 4-21-2010 I-pods make us look like robots. _____ 1.

His i-pod’s always plugged into his ear And obviously controlling him.

2.

Just look at his eyes and you will see How they’re all glazed over And how oblivious he is to the world.

3.

With his umbilical chord Still attached He remains, in a sense Unborn.

4.

He’s just like a robot – A drone – An android – Or a puppet on a string – Doing what that little machine Is telling him to do.

6

5.

Just like a robot He doesn’t appear to be thinking Or doing anything on his own But rather as someone Who’s just “plugged in.”

6.

Although he’s not a robot For all intents and purposes He might as well be one. *****

7

y Here In The Field 11-22-2010 Being on the line and not in some remote office. _____ 1.

I’m not in an office like you.

Rather, I’m in the field And directly on the line.

2.

In your office You plan for things That you have very little hands-on knowledge of.

And for any faulty decisions you make You’ll only suffer indirect and collateral damage.

3.

But here in the field I deal with real lives and real issues And all the human emotions that accompany them.

Here in the field I deal with issues That are a thousand times more complex And inter related Than you could ever comprehend Just sitting there In your remote and air-conditioned office.

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4.

There in your office High above and removed from ground zero It’s impossible for you to make Any real-world decisions Because all you have Are theoretical notes on paper None of which Have any living or breathing reality to them.

All you have Are indirect shadows of reality That are only circumstantial and tangential.

5.

Your world is based on theories and assumptions That are remote and sterile Whereas my world is based on realities That have direct and live implications and results.

6.

There in your office Your reality nudges you with gentle suggestions Whereas in my world − Here in the field − My realty lunges at me, Grabs me by the throat, Looks me straight in the eye, Breathes its smelly breath on me, And lets me know in no uncertain terms Exactly who and what I’m dealing with And exactly what I’ll be accountable for. *****

9

y Bushido (The Way Of The Warrior) 8-2-2011 I identify in some ways with this particular Japanese thinking. _____ 1.

The principles of Bushido – The Way of the Warrior – Of old Japan Is succinctly captured in the Bushido proverb: Duty is heavy like a mountain But Death is as light as a feather.

In many ways I identify with this proverb.

2.

In my business life I’ve always put work before pleasure And in my personal life I’ve always taken on Large time-consuming personal projects That I’m committed to complete And that have put a lot of weight and stress on me.

So I personally identify with the line: ~ Duty is heavy like a mountain. ~

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3.

And likewise I’ve always had a penchant towards The heavy, melancholy And even the morbid sometimes Which you can see in much of my music and writings In that I tend to compose a lot of heavy music And write a lot of serious poems often about death Where death is sometimes viewed As a welcomed relief from the burdens of life.

So I also personally identify with the line: ~ Death is a light as a feather. ~ 4.

Bushido – There’s something heavy and fatalistic about it That I can relate to. *****

11

y Getting The Kinks Out Of Life (Spits And Spurts) 9-15-2011 The irregularity of life. _____ 1.

It’s been a month now That he hasn’t written anything And it has him wondering If somehow he’s lost it.

2.

But then At the very edge of his drought When all looked hopeless The rains came And when they did They came in torrents − Torrents of inspiration and new poems So much so That he could hardly keep up with them.

3.

Why do things so often come All bunched up like that?

What clogs them up And prevents their even and steady flow?

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4.

Why do so many things in life Come in spits and spurts?

Why is it that it’s always feast or famine?

Why don’t the gears of life shift more smoothly And not jerk so much?

And why do its wheels often spin in the mud Then all of a sudden Gain traction with a punishing jolt?

5.

What’s with this life of ours?

Is its design so flawed that it’ll never run smoothly.

Hasn’t Life been around long enough To have gotten the kinks out it by now?

6.

I wish that I could get some answers to these questions But even if I did They’d probably just be answered With a series of reciprocal and rhetorical questions Or wrapped in technicalities and circular reasoning That wouldn’t be answers at all.

7.

So the question remains: Why doesn’t Life run more smoothly But rather only comes In spits and spurts? *****

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y Old Memories (Twenty Shadows) 3-16-2010 Bad memories continue to cast their shadows. _____ 1.

Every old and sorry memory is a heartache That carries with it twenty shadows.

2.

I had hoped That all my past and painful memories Would be discreet and keep their distance And be content to quietly remain In the secret hollows of my past.

3.

But no It seems they’ve chosen to follow me Casting each of their twenty shadows.

4.

These old and sorry memories Are like tin cans Tied on my tail. *****

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y Inside Out 3-21-2010 Differences in belief and comfort. _____ 1.

Here I am Standing here On the outside of the church Listening to the preacher’s sermon, The organ playing, And the choir singing, And guessing that all of them there On the inside Are feeling quite content Believing that they’re saved.

2.

But as for me I have no such feeling of contentment Because for me I only have a hard cold supposition That there’s nothing to be saved.

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3.

For me I believe that life’s just life With neither reward or punishment at its end And that we all just simply live Then simply die.

4.

So here I am Standing here On the outside of the church Only taking empty comfort in my belief That there isn’t any Hell to fear.

5.

But, correspondingly I’m also standing here On the outside of the church Not having that warm reassurance of faith And the promise and reward of Heaven That they have there On the inside. *****

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y Further Down The Line 4-17-2010 The sad end of something. _____ 1.

He’ll have to find what he’s been looking for Further down the line In another place At another time For here There’s not much chance For anything anymore.

2.

For here The river has run dry, The fields have turned to dust, And the sun has faded from the sky.

3.

For here Love has died A cruel and final death. *****

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y

Elvis − He Was My Man 4-17-2010 I'm always saddened when I think about Elvis Presley’s death. ____ 1.

Elvis was my man.

He had the looks, talent, stage presence and style of singing That made him so entertaining And so to me He was a great performer.

2.

He also had many other qualities that I admired In that he was Soft-spoken, respectful and didn’t run around And so to me He was also a good person.

3.

He’s been dead now For more than 30 years But I still haven’t gotten over it And no one’s come along Who could even come close to taking his place.

His loss was a great tragedy, in general And a personal one for me, in particular.

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4.

I’m surprised How often he comes to mind But that’s the effect That legends sometimes have on you.

Elvis was my man. *****

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y I Never Knew 4-19-2010 The simplest things are often the hardest to see. _____ 1.

I never realized That it was just that simple little thing You wanted.

2.

I never thought That it was just that simple little thing I had to do for you.

3.

I never knew That the sun was such a precious gift Until one day It wasn’t there anymore. *****

20

y An Escape From The Funeral Fire 4-24-2010 An almost mythical leader. _____ 1.

“He was a good man.”

That’s what they said about him As they watched his body burn In the three-foot high funeral fire.

2.

Despite the rain Almost the entire village turned out for him.

A few had leather coats to protect them from the rain But most just had worn-out woolen ones That soaked up the rain And made them heavy and cold.

3.

He was a good man And gained everyone’s respect Because he had done something good For almost everyone in the village At one time or another.

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4.

He was also a powerful man And a natural leader Who had governed the village With confidence and compassion.

5.

While they all prayed With their heads bowed down One or two of them Just happened to raise their eyes In time to see a large bright burst of light Come out of the fire That looked like – As best they could describe it − A ghost.

6.

Although they couldn’t be sure Those who saw it − And most of those they told it to − Suspected That it was his spirit escaping to its freedom.

7.

Everyone knew What a strong and independent nature he had in life And therefore could easily believe That if anybody could beat death It would be him As he had that kind of reputation.

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8.

And when ghostly figures Began to appear in the village And strange things Began to happen For which they had no explanation Many attributed them to him.

9.

So his legend And the ghost stories about him Grew to colossal proportions.

10.

Since he had such power and influence in life It was not so hard for people to believe Or at least suspect That he might just have the same power in death As he had that kind of reputation. *****

23

y

Tell Me I Wasn’t A Bad Person 5-10-2010 Seeking some independent opinion about of himself. _____ 1.

Before I close my eyes Please tell me I wasn’t a bad person.

Please tell me that I had at least some good qualities Which would give me some comfort about myself To take along with me when I go.

2.

It’s better if I hear it from you, as opposed to from myself For my opinions are subjective and waffle back and forth Between wishful compliments on the one hand And damning judgments on the other.

3.

And should your opinion of me be unfavorable And won’t provide me the assurance I was hoping for Please tell me that too But do it in a gentle and diplomatic way That would soften the blow And leave me With at least some room For euphemistic interpretation.

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4.

So before I close my eyes Give me your honest opinion As to who and what I was.

Be honest But not brutally honest For I’d like to be able to craft from it Some kind of a decent epitaph For both myself And for those I leave behind. *****

25

y

You’ve Added Another One To Your List (On Tom Carroll) 9-12-2010 Adjusting to the loss of a long time friend. _____ 1.

Although I’m sorry That you refused to accept my offers of reconciliation Which spurred me to light the match That sadly burned down the bridge That once connected us as friends This unfortunate event Comes with some mitigating factors.

2.

On the one hand While I see myself standing alone On the opposite shore of a one-time long friendship I also see that I’m finally free of you And your sometimes demeaning arrogance.

In many ways I’m glad you started it So that I could finish it.

3.

With each snub you gave me over the years, With each show of self-absorption and selfishness, With each act of disrespect and belittlement, You were setting the stage for the end of our friendship And putting the match in my hand..

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4.

For every good memory I can recall I can also recall an equally bad one offsetting it.

So as a result I can’t say that this fateful event Doesn’t come without some sense of relief In finally being done with you.

5.

With each day that goes by I become a little more adjusted and reconciled To this unfortunate event.

And whatever sad, confused and hurtful emotions may linger on I know that one day I’ll be fully content in knowing That I have slipped the yoke I used to wear And won’t have anything more to do with you.

6.

With our friendship poisoned All I can say to you is, “There, you’ve gone and done it again.

You’ve gone and added another one to your list − The list of those who For one reason or another Would rather have nothing more to do with you.”

7.

What makes it even worse though in our case Is that you’ve added someone To that ever-increasing list Who used to be a long time and resolute friend.

Yes, you’ve not only gone and done it again You’ve gone and done it really good this time. ***** 27

y Everything Has A Mind And Thinks 9-20-2010 It’s not only man who can think. _____ 1.

Although the lower creatures May be extremely primitive and seemingly mindless They do in fact possess some kind of mind And engage in some kind of thinking.

2.

When a tree bends to face the sun It’s thinking with a mind That’s figured out and acted on What it has to do To capture the light to help it best survive Just as our minds figure out for us What we have to do to best survive.

To simply call that process mindless instinct Is a mindless statement in and of itself For it is in fact The process of thinking that we’re witnessing Just on a different and more primitive scale.

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3.

Insects figure out how to find their mates, Worms figure out which way to burrow, Animals figure out how to find their prey, And we figure out how to live our lives And advance our civilization All through the mechanics of thinking And all of which is not so different More or less In both process and result.

4.

Every living thing Has a mind and engages in the process of thinking Each at its respective level.

5.

We must get beyond Our own self-centered and elitist belief That we blindly cling to and constantly reinforce That we’re the only things That think.

We can’t continue to deny That every living thing has a mind – However limited − And their inalienable right and ability To think. *****

29

y Population Control 2-8-2011 Many problems are solvable by addressing one. _____ 1.

There are so many peripheral solutions Being proposed and bantered about As to how we can save the world.

Yes, the solutions lie: In conserving resources; Preventing pollution of our land, water and air; Finding alternative sources of energy; Creating economic growth and jobs; Securing sufficient supplies of food and water; Providing health care, education and financial security; Reducing political, religious and cultural friction that lead to war; And by extension, providing for the welfare of future generations.

2.

In each of these key areas We propose unique and ingenious solutions that involve: Effective environmental laws and regulations; New and more complex management techniques; Vast arrays of technological innovation; Economic growth and job creation; Huge investments of money and manpower; And massive awareness and educational programs.

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3.

All of these efforts though Only represent piecemeal solutions To the many problems we face And don’t address them efficiently or as a whole Because they don’t address the central issue of: Population Control.

It’s like: Attacking the individual heads of a multi-headed dragon Rather than going for its heart.

Or fighting a war on a hundred different fronts.

Or putting out a thousand fires Rather than just removing the fuel.

All such multifaceted and disjointed approaches Are just recipes for futility and ultimate failure.

4.

Why can’t we see That we’re the problem Why can’t we see That we’re like swarms of locusts Eating up our planet?

Why can’t we see That there are just too many of us Competing for limited resources, jobs, and education?

It’s so obvious that it baffles me As to why we can’t see it And more so, why our politicians can’t see it − In fact though, I believe they do see it But aren’t brave enough to take it on Due to all the politically sensitive issues That it touches upon.

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5.

Underlying so many of our problems is: Over Population.

And the holistic solution to it is: Population Control.

The solution is simple But it’s also A massive and politically dangerous undertaking As it has to tackle head-on The single and combined monsters of: Inertia, culture, the law, politics and religion Which are challenges That only courageous leaders will take on And not by weak and politically-correct thinking politicians Who’d rather talk double talk Than speak bravely, straight and honest − Who’d rather Pick at the edges with their white gloves on Rather than Get down to the dirty work of actually doing the job − And who’d rather Apply scented salves to our maladies Than actually perform the bloody operation.

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6.

It reminds me of the British expedition To the Arctic in the 1800s Composed of a group of upper-class Englishmen Who, after losing all their guides, hunters and servants Chose to starve to death Rather than lower themselves by doing such commoner tasks As hunting the plentiful seal and walrus that were all around them Because they were afraid of the social stigma of doing so Even if it meant their very survival.

The same is true today with respect to addressing: Population Control In that no one wants to touch it.

But we’d better touch it though And get down to the tough and dirty job of addressing it As a matter of our survival.

7.

It’s all about: Population Control.

The fewer people we have in the world: The less demand on our limited resources of fuel, land and food The less poverty, The less unemployment, And the less friction and resulting wars we’ll have.

The fewer people we have in the world: The more education we’ll be able to provide to all, The greater availability of health care services, And the more financial and economic resources We’ll have available for everyone.

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8.

It’s all tied together And it all stems from the same spring and root: Over Population With the most efficient and comprehensive solution Being centered on the key and single area of: Population Control.

9.

Is it achievable?

Scientifically and mathematically it is For if couples today only had one child Within a few generations The population would be halved − Then halved again − And again − And then again.

The solution is easily proven By simple math.

10.

But here’s the ruse: It will require bold and authoritative commitments From brave, self-sacrificing and visionary leaders.

It will also require the passage of strict and authoritative laws Which, during their implementation Will be very controversial and hard to enforce But that in time, will become accepted And in the end, will succeed.

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11.

It’s a challenge that we should take on − No, it’s a challenge that we must take on − For our survival.

China did it So why couldn’t the rest of the world?

We can’t continue to dilute our efforts By applying them to so many fronts.

Rather We should concentrate on Going for the heart of the beast: Over Population.

So With a well-aimed thrust of a fire-tempered spear We must go for the heart and for the kill With our single most effective weapon: Population Control. *****

35

y

He Did − But No He Didn’t (A Scientific Observation) 2-16-2011 Perception and reality are sometimes inseparable. _____ 1.

He opened the door and entered the other room − But no he didn’t − For somehow He was still in the room That he just left.

2.

What accounts for this apparent contradiction?

Perhaps he took the room with him.

Or perhaps whatever we see or do Is only an illusion in our minds.

Or perhaps it’s the effect Of our entering another reality − Some parallel Universe Or some other Dimension.

3.

Or there may be situations Where two things might be able to occupy The same place at the same time Which might also account for This apparent contradiction.

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4.

Another possibility for this strange phenomenon Might have to do with The workings of Quantum mechanics Whereby Under Heisenberg’s “Uncertainty Principle”, Whatever we observe or measure Might actually interfere with And even change what actually is − That is That it may change reality itself.

5.

Our world is full of both real and apparent contradictions That may not be contradictions at all But rather only the confusing workings of laws That we have yet to fully understand.

6.

Our World Is full of many apparent contradictions − And our Universe Is full of even more. *****

37

y

I’m Sure They Thought Me A Little Strange (Iloilo, Philippines) 5-6-2011 My awkward time at the Paniza farm in the Philippines. _____ 1.

For the 5 days I was there I’m sure they might have thought me a little strange And maybe even a little aloof For keeping to myself And having only Limited social interaction with the family.

But in my defense A lot of that was due to: Jet lag and the heat, Food I didn’t like, And my inability to speak the language.

It was also due to the fact That that’s just the way I am sometimes.

2.

I’m sure they might have thought me a little strange For picking at my food like a POW, For eating only bread and rice, and a little bit of meat, And for drinking only Coke or water.

But honestly, it’s just that I found the food Very − unappealing.

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3.

I’m sure they might have thought me a little strange For staying in my room so much And only showing up at meal times Or in order to be a little social.

4.

I’m sure they might have thought me a little strange For not smiling much And, on the contrary For sometimes maybe being a little grumpy.

5.

I didn’t mean any harm or disrespect By anything I did Or didn’t do It was just that I wasn’t feeling so well And for the fact That there just wasn’t much for me to do there And it was so hot and humid.

6.

I hope they didn’t notice Or take any serious offense By anything I did or didn’t do Or for any sour moods or expressions That might have been on my face.

But for all I know they might have As I’m not so good at hiding things.

39

7.

I didn’t notice Any outward signs of offense or disapproval In my hosts That they may have felt Because being the good Christians that they were They keep such things Discreetly and charitably To themselves.

8.

I’m sure they might have thought me a little strange But I didn’t mean to be that way on purpose For honestly, in addition to not feeling so well And not having much to do there, That’s just the way I am sometimes. *****

40

y Reasonable And Unreasonable Doubt (The Casey Anthony Trial) 7-23-2011 Our legal system favors criminals at the expense of victims. _____ 1.

I’m disgusted with the outcome Of this nationally televised trial Where the mother and child-killer Of her little girl Caylee Literally Got away with murder And all because The burden of proof Was set so unrealistically high That it resulted in An unjust and repulsive verdict of “Not Guilty.”

41

2.

Through the use of her extraordinary, excessive, And almost endless list of legal rights And the inherent biases of the legal system toward the accused This child-killer mother Literally got away with murder While the legal rights available to Caylee, the victim Were so much less So that justice for this little girl Was shamefully denied.

Something’s wrong with a system That so much favors one side over the other − Something’s terribly wrong.

3.

It seems to me that all too often The prosecutors do in fact Prove “Guilt beyond a reasonable doubt” But, because of all the biases favoring the accused, The seemingly boundless list of his or her rights, The blinding and confusing technicalities of the law, And the clever manipulations and legal rhetoric of the lawyers, Jurors often become distracted and mislead Into ignoring both the evidence and their common sense.

And with respect to the principle of proving guilt “Beyond a reasonable doubt” That principle has warped into having to prove guilt “Beyond any doubt” Which not only denies justice for the victim But often awards a get-away-with-murder card To the criminal.

42

4.

Also, juries are instructed in such great detail About the technicalities and restrictions of the law That they find themselves in an upside-down Alice-in-Wonderland courtroom world Where plain English is a foreign language, Legalese is the mother tongue, And common sense is “inadmissible”.

5.

Juries become befuddled and mentally exhausted To the point they can’t even think logically any more And are corralled into making erroneous and flawed decisions.

Juries who started out as rationally thinking peers Are soon converted into brain washed zombies In a science fiction world Of upside-down and ass-backwards legalities.

They also become “Sleepers” Or “Manchurian Candidates” Programmed by the lawyers into unthinking tools Resulting in the warping of what should be A “Court of Justice” Into a “Court of In justice.”

6.

As in the Casey Anthony trial Juries have reluctantly returned verdicts of “Not guilty” With tears in their eyes Because they knew in their heart of hearts That the accused was in fact guilty But due to the legal system being so heavily biased And weighted in favor of the criminal “Reasonable doubt” Became “unreasonable doubt.”

43

7.

We have to straighten out this gross technical confusion As to what’s “reasonable” doubt And what’s “unreasonable” doubt Or many more of those who are in fact guilty Will be allowed to go unpunished And to unjustly enjoy the rest of their lives While the victims and their families Are unjustly left to suffer the rest of their lives And be victimized even further.

8.

Yes, some innocents might be unjustly convicted Under a revised system But I believe it would far outweigh The injustice that now occurs When so many de facto criminals Literally get away with murder As Casey Anthony did. *****

44

y Finding God 10-2-2011 Observations on human behavior and needs.

(Somewhat akin to what Karl Marx said about religion: “Religion is the opium of the people.”) _____ 1.

When he went to prison He was scared, empty and despondent And very much alone.

2.

But one day he had an epiphany As many have In their lonely prison cells That filled the vacancy inside of him.

He felt that he had found his soul.

“He had found God”, he said.

3.

Just as children create imaginary friends When they are lonely He created his imaginary friend To fill the lonely void within himself Which he mistook for God.

45

4.

It was a common mistake, finding God For what he really found was himself And the peace and reconciliation that comes with it But that he mispersonified as God. 5.

To help him make it through his days and nights in prison Mixed with the guilt of what he’d done He had to create something to make sense of life And overcome his devils Which was a forgiving and imaginary God That he made real.

6.

It was a common, understandable, and human mistake That many make Under extreme and desperate circumstances Such as his.

7.

When you’re down and desperate And your mind, soul and belief systems Have been severely traumatized And all but stripped away You look for something to repair or replace What’s been damaged, lost or missing.

And as human nature would have it When you look or hope for something Long and hard enough You amazingly find it Or alternatively, it finds you Even if it’s all contrived.

46

8.

So, he found that something.

He found God in prison Just as so many others have.

Although the God he found Wasn’t technically God It was technical solution That worked for him And whatever works, works. *****

47

y Knocking On The Sky 12-5-2011 Trying for the impossible. _____ 1.

He’s knocking on the sky “Let me in. Let me in.”

But there was no answer − Just dead silence.

2.

He knew that he couldn’t stay up there For much longer − Suspended like he was Way up in the sky like that − And that he’d soon fall With a terrible crash.

3.

This was his only chance And the one that he had planned for And been encouraged to take For as long as he could remember.

But now that it was here It seemed that it might be doomed to failure.

48

4.

He keeps knocking on the sky But all he hears Is the sound of his own knocking And no one responding.

5.

Was it all just a bad plan from the outset?

Was it all just a cruel ruse That had drawn him out into the open To make this risky and exposed move?

Was it all just a clever lure And one that he never should have acted on?

6.

Was it all some callous hoax that had him Precariously perched, way up there in the sky like that?

Was it all just a set-up from the outset?

He didn’t know, and wouldn’t know, Until it all played out Which would be very soon.

7.

He was fully committed And had to see it through.

It was all or nothing now.

One way or the other he’d find out In a little while Just how it would all play out – Whether there’d be an answer to his knocking And he’d be taken in Or if he’d just fall from the sky to his death. ***** 49

y This World Is Ours And Theirs 8-3-1960 On the Universe and the prospect of life elsewhere. _____ 1.

On a cloudy summer night My mind and heart collapse upon themselves Thinking that we’re all alone And this earthly world of ours Is all we have.

2.

But when the clouds disperse And billion, billion stars appear In an endless expanse of black space I realize how huge a Universe we’re in And the million other Earths That are probably in it.

3.

When the clouds disperse And I see how vast our Universe is My heart leaps. *****

50

y Your Lips (To Sharon) 8-10-1960 On Sharon’s soft and beautiful lips. _____ 1.

Your lips are sweet and warm And as soft and tender As those of an angel baby born And to them, I now surrender.

2.

The feel of your lips on mine Excites my anxious heart To take in as much love as it can find And as much as it can cart.

3.

Their color is the color of a rose’ wine And with its moist taste it easily takes my heart in tow.

And with their shape so perfectly defined They take my heart away and refuse to let it go.

4.

They’re soft and tempting And draw me down a lover’s naïve course With a strong and unrelenting And beautifully erotic force.

51

5.

I’m always dreaming of kissing those two Precious lips of yours and tasting all their pleasures.

And all the dreams I have of you seem so real and true And make me feel that our love might last forever.

6.

Oh how my heart does blossom up with love For you, when your lips touch mine.

And how I thank the Lord above For our dear and sweet combine. *****

52

y Trust Not 10-31-1960 Trust can be your downfall. _____ 1.

A fly went on its programmed way Darting through the air with daring speed Right into a spider’s web where it remained.

Carelessness had lured it to its trusting final deed.

2.

A fish swam just above the deep blue ocean floor Slow and easy and not thinking there was any danger until Quickly from behind came a large and silent predator Who made a meal of it and had its fill.

3.

A bird innocently winged from tree to tree Blind to the hawk that was sitting on a nearby branch Who was sharp-eyed and very hungry And who took it at its very first chance.

4.

Only a fool would shake someone’s extended hand And not be smart enough to realize The possible danger in the other, hidden hand Where there may reside a cruel and deadly surprise.

53

5.

To be too trusting of anyone or anything Is never very wise For it will often bring The reason and the means of your demise. *****

54

y Bend Low About The Door 1-29-1963 Many fail to meet the criteria to enter Heaven. _____ 1.

To get into Heaven you must bend low about its door − The door that you now stand before − The door that is extremely tight and narrow And that you have to fit through when you are called to go.

2.

Was your life modeled after His? Did you hear His Words above the din?

Did you keep your soul guarded well?

Or did you not, and now risk being damned to Hell?

3.

Did you live a life, good enough to make it through for sure?

Will you be able to squeeze and bend low enough about the door To either easily, or with some force, make it through And be one of those very few who do?

4.

I hear no answer to the questions I just posed So is that the reason for that gaping and frightened stare on you − That your sinful size won’t fit and Heaven’s door to you is closed?

If the answer’s “Yes”, then my deepest condolences go out to you. *****

55

y

Heat Rising From Satan’s Hell 6-28-1963 The hot city streets. _____ The heat rising upward from the asphalt streets Is as hot as if it had come from Satan’s own fiery Hell.

Oh why has this “good” god of ours allowed this burning heat To plague us so and condemned us to this hellish earthly cell? *****

56

y Lacking A Hardened Crust?

8-12-1963 A weakling and not tough enough? _____ The August heat and the city’s toxic fumes Choke away my breath until I’m near to swooning Which makes me ask if I’m just a wimpy soul that can’t adjust To life’s assaults because I lack the required hardened crust. *****

57

y Dusk Defeats 8-17-1963 Dusk overcomes the day.

(Written during Dr. Kramer’s dental appointment in Brooklyn.) _____ The city lies before me as an outstretched plane With its maze of dull gray buildings and pitch-black asphalt streets Baking in the dying Sun with all the daylight colors draining From the Day, that both Dusk and Night are now conspiring to defeat. *****

58

y A Lovely Grecian Face (To Maureen) 12-4-1963 Maureen looked like a beautiful Greek statue to me.

(Maureen Morrissey, 4901 Avenue I, Brooklyn 10, NY.) _____ 1.

Your name resounds as would a word that’s sung From a lover’s joyous heart and lung.

And your name has the rich taste of wine in its stow When across my lips it does sweetly flow.

2.

Your aura would so inspire any Grecian sculptor’s heart To capture your lovely form into his marble art That would mirror forever your beautiful face Shining softly with glowing goddess like grace.

3.

Your eyes are deep dark island-orbs of warm brown hue As bright and clear as polished gems or crystal new.

And as the evening light is captured in those liquid camps It’s so beautifully reflected back as irresistible luring lamps.

4.

Your lips are perfectly formed and so tender soft and smooth And with one kiss any broken heart would be quickly soothed.

Oh when the bloom of love is in the fields and in the air My heart cannot resist to place a kiss upon that lovely ruby pair. *****

59

y Know Not I The Way 2-5-1964 Caution about adapting for the sake of fitting in. _____ Know not I the ways of the world I’m in.

And know not the world anything of me.

So why should I adopt its ways just to fit in Not knowing what those ways might do to me? *****

60

y Stone Truth (A Sonnet) 2-11-1964 Being a moral man is not easy. _____ Oh, what is one to recognize as True: When error so easily clogs men’s minds and makes them so weak?

When Reason and Emotion do not the same goal seek?

When Temptation dulls the Will’s pellucid view?

But with Truth, everything is clear and evident And everything is straight and never warped or bent And moral men stand tall and their actions speak The dictates of their hearts.

But men like these are very few As the Welter never bestows such a gift or shines any guiding star On just anyone, but rather only on a man of perfect Truth.

And as we age, Truth becomes that much harder to hone As it’s nearly impossible to retain the innocence of our youth.

Truth for Truth demands a Will be made of stone But Truth for love of Truth itself can easily stand alone. *****

61

y When Love Is True (A Sonnet To Gwen) 4-7-1964 True love is unchangeably steadfast. _____ Passion doesn’t prove that a love is true Just as water colored red doesn’t make it wine; True love doesn’t change its point of view But sticks to its commitments for all time.

Love will bend, just as a reed, with every tempest that it meets And its roots being so deep will never be upturned.

And love does not rejoice over the storm’s defeat But rather only at the sun’s return.

True love doesn’t change when it encounters change But rather, it steadily and loyally remains.

And love does not despair when the sky turns even the darkest hue But rather remains ever hopeful for its return to blue − When love is true. *****

62

y I Saw Something Deep Within Her Eyes (To Judy) 5-6-1964 I saw a hidden sadness in Judy’s eyes. _____ 1.

When your eyes I did their hue explore I found beneath their crystal crests − Beyond their sprinting darting jests − Deep and heavy currents there in secret store As deep as you would find upon the deepest ocean floor.

They were vast and powerful currents, but that gave Little surface hint as to their massiveness.

Oh, how these love-born currents I see in you behave And try to hide themselves but that are to me so obvious.

2.

I also found a hidden sadness there − An uncalmed yearning plea − That would neither be stilled, nor wear Itself away with time to any great degree.

3.

And below the shiny surface of your eyes, I did deeply view A pensive soul reflecting through their hazel hue.

And from the stirrings deep within Your soul, I felt its undercurrent and heard its trembling din.

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4.

Though you carefully choose to show Only what’s on the surface, there’s so much more of you to know.

And the complex emotions that you try to disguise I can easily see through the anguish in your lowered eyes.

5.

Your eyes display, for show, a happy surface gleam But things are seldom as they seem For I can sense your heart and see what others cannot view − The reservoir of the longing pain that pools inside of you. *****

64

y Our Spot (To Gwen) 5-14-1964 Remembering a Brooklyn street where Gwen and I often parked. _____ 1.

Can you recall that certain Brooklyn street Where in the vanguard of the summer heat We parked on several quiet city nights Where the thick summer leaves screened the glaring streetlights And painted in your crescent eyes the softest ever of their tones?

I can’t forget that little place Where imbedded in my heart forever was your darling face.

2.

Do you recall the whiskey that I drank when we were there?

And how I made you join me with your share?

Do you remember too, that air-conditioner And its constant, noisy, metal, humming purr?

And too, that wide and blue-lit window pane and edge That we partially saw above that distant hedge?

And do you also remember that amusing little man who walked His dog and who at us slyly gawked?

65

3.

I see your face, soft-lit in my mind With its lovely borders tenderly defined.

I can also hear your voice as if you were Whispering in my ear − oh what memories in me now do stir.

And oh how my heart retains the essence of this place Where we held each other in firm embrace, Where I kissed your lips long and hard, And where for you I dropped my heart’s protective guard.

4.

Though these precious memories stay close to me I only think of them for the future’s sake When once again we will together be And which memories we’ll again awake And our plans for our lives together we’ll begin to make.

5.

My dearest Gwen, I’ll never forget that site And when you are to me returned again I’ll take you back there on another summer’s night In the hope that the joy we knew back then we can regain And from it build a future for us full and bright. *****

66

y Steamy Rendezvous (Ebb And Flow) (To Pamela) 7-4-1964 Pamela was an airline stewardess and Gwen’s older sister.

(Whenever she flew into New York she stayed at the Hotel Lexington where we had a number of steamy rendezvous.) _____ 1.

You possess the moods and passioned sentiments More close to mine than any other soul.

You have stirred up love and lust in me in equal proportions Causing them to through my heart so wildly run So as to make on me an indelible toll.

With only short intervals together All the proper elements Of our love have not, in our hearts, fully developed Or been adequately tested to justify their proper places.

But despite that, I wonder if they’ve already been etched in stone Or are only still just fleeting traces Written in dust with no more import Than polite and passing smiles upon our faces.

67

2.

You come, you go − you’re here, you’re there − But in all our crossings we never meet For any lengths of time that will fully settle and quell The nagging questions I have about us that my heart still keeps.

If you don’t bring love itself, you bring needed passion to my heart And comfort to my sorrows Which is the very reason why this warm and tender girl in you I’m always glad to greet.

I also see you with the hope that I can fathom more of you And someday dwell For longer intervals of time with you And perhaps long enough To form a deeper bond between us two For when we do meet our passions swarm To the heights of pure excitement.

Oh how those erotic one-night hotel stands That have become our secret love affair Have made memories that we can forever share.

3.

While my firm desire is that our bond might grow To perhaps an even lasting love, I truly fear That time will not permit, or circumstances allow Much more than what we have right now − These secret little steamy rendezvous That have no pattern to their ebb and flow.

Although short-lived and just like the lunar tides Where you come and then you go Oh what a full-moon, high-tide and passionate love it is Whenever you are here. *****

68

y A Meaning 7-12-1964 The inseparability of Life and Death. _____ 1.

There is a street in Brooklyn that won’t easily Fade away from my exact recall of it.

On either side of it were the hard brick walls of factories And warehouses, row on row, which all sit In bad repair with chipped and cracking fronts And windows dull and dingy and where I heard some grunts − Some barely perceptible under-tones Just loud enough to know that they were the sounds of moans.

2.

Then I saw something which gave me quite a start − It was that of a pair of eyes Whose glossy glass-like display made their mark Against a grimy bearded face. I bent my size To him, who was propped up against a wooden door frame.

I brought my straining ear closer to his voice’s depleted scope And strained to hear what he tried to say, but nothing came That I could understand. Though he tried, he just couldn’t cope With it. Then, in the weakest of breaths and whiskey full in scent He gasped, which announced that now his life was fully spent.

69

3.

The clothes he wore were thick with oil and dirt From the streets he’d slept upon, and his body was the same.

Over time, he’s sadly let himself to the lowest form of life revert.

This lifeless drunken mess propped up against this empty frame Will not solicit or ordain a single word in print Nor will any spoken word ever be announced On his behalf. In time, the police will find and sprint Away his wasted and weathered shell. He had renounced His dignity in life which is always the saddest of all things.

And soon he’ll be buried in a common and anonymous grave With no head stone in which his name might have been engraved.

4.

Walking on, my mind could only cling To thoughts that swelled with throbbing pain Against the bulging precincts of my brain.

And as I thought about his last and dying breath I thought about the meaning of Life and Death And how they represent two diametrically opposing things But yet, how they interlock and are more or less the same. *****

70

y I Miss You Darling Girl (To Gwen) 7-5-1965 Returning from a Naval patrol I called Gwen in Trinidad, (Gwen wrote me almost every day and I reciprocated often.) _____

1.

When I was out at sea I missed Gwen every day.

So when I got back to port I just had to call her on the phone From half way around the world.

I was so happy to hear her voice That every emotion swelled up inside of me.

2.

And wanting to relieve my lonesome heart I almost shouted out, “I love you Gwen”, But something held me back And I rather only said, “I miss you dear!”, For as usual I could only go just so far. *****

71

y Looking At My Hands And Thinking Of The Piano 11-26-1965 Reflecting on my decision to join the Navy and give up my piano and music writing which I loved and was just getting into. _____ 1.

I looked at my hands And drew my fingers in and out Longing to play music On the keyboard of some piano If only I could find one.

2.

The correctness and the consequences of my decision To join the Navy and serve my time And abandon my music and leave it orphaned Was sadly resurrected once again in me. *****

72

y More Confident Now But Still Withdrawn 11-26-1965 Always comparing myself to others. _____ 1.

Although I’m somewhat more confident Than I used to be I’m still oversensitive and withdrawn And constantly comparing myself to others And coming up short.

2.

When I hear people talking Clearly and confidently In an adjacent room I sometimes become a bit depressed Knowing that I could never be As relaxed and confident as they appear to be.

3.

I’m always feeling That I’m different from the others.

And when I think that way A kind of depressing envy comes over me.

73

4.

Although I’ve improved I still have this deficiency in me And this constant pall over me That makes me always wishing That I “was as good as they.”

5.

Though I’m better than I used to be My sullen, sensitive and introspective ways Have never fully left me. *****

74

y Full Of Unanswered Letters 11-28-1965 Reflecting on not being taken so seriously as I would like. _____ 1.

My life is full of unanswered letters Unfinished sentences, Ignored opinions, And open questions, Which seem to accumulate And successively weigh down on me.

2.

I hope that over time I shall become more numb To these unaddressed torments And not take them all so personally.

3.

While I can hope I shan’t expect that Life will break its vow To keep me weighted down.

I shan’t expect that Life Will ever break its pact with Fate. *****

75

y

I Love Her When I’m Lonely (On Gwen) 12-5-1965 Gwen always loved me more than I loved her, even though I tried.

(Drafted earlier on a bus returning to Washington from Brooklyn just prior to my transfer to the USS Mc Morris in Pearl Harbor.) _____ 1.

I love her when I’m lonely But not so much when I am not.

2.

I love her in her absence But less so in her presence.

3.

I love her more at night Than ever in the day.

4.

I love her more in the dark Than ever in the light.

5.

I want her when I want her But not when she wants me.

76

6.

Thus, I may not truly love her Even though She truly does love me. *****

77

y To Kill A Man 1-13-1966 We might all have a bit of murder in us. _____ Looking at my hands And feeling all the strength that’s in them I wondered if I could ever use them To kill man Just to test or prove their strength And my heart’s resolve. *****

78

y From Yonder Churchyard 1-29-1966 Two ghosts meet. _____ Two ghosts met and engaged each other: “Come ye, from this earth?”, one pried.

“Or come ye from the sky?”

“Oh no”, the other said and pointed, “I come from yonder churchyard over there Where now my crumbling relics lie.” *****

79

y Motivated To Save Myself For You (To Gwen) 2-7-1966 Still hoping I find contentment with Gwen. _____ 1.

Though I’m weak of flesh I’m given the will to resist Through the strength Of your sweet and faithful memory.

2.

Because of an aching heart that wants to be true I’m motivated to save my love for you Whose love I know for me is always true. *****

80

y I Surprise Myself Sometimes (On Winging It) 11-29-1968 I frequently “wing it” surprisingly well. _____ 1.

When I answer questions or speak my mind On an impromptu or reactionary basis I sometimes do it better on the spot Than if I had prepared myself ahead of time.

2.

Prior to my saying anything I often have no answers in my head.

But when I do speak out The answers often just come to me In an inspirational flash As though they were loaded with a spring Just waiting for their tripping wire to be sprung.

3.

My answers come out so well sometimes That my audience thinks I’m either very smart or extremely well prepared − So well sometimes That I even surprise myself. *****

81

y Not Wanting To Awaken Her (On Stella) 6-19-1969 Lying with Stella. _____ 1.

She turns in bed and rests her arm on me.

And when I awake My heart and eyes Fill with her.

2.

I try not to move For fear of waking her − For fear of breaking This beautiful image of us And her gentle hold on me.

3.

I want her to stay Exactly where and how she is.

I want to see and feel her next to me Just the way she is − Undisturbed and beautiful − So I can take her even deeper in my heart. *****

82

y In L.A. (On Bich-Thuy) 12-31-1969 Random thoughts about Thuy while traveling. _____ 1.

In the L.A. Airport with nothing to do but wait I watched a man whose hands shook so constantly That he was hard to ignore And hard not to feel sorry for.

2.

It was lonely and very tired waiting there So to keep awake I’d entertain myself By pressing my palms hard against my eyes So as to make Kaleidoscopic images in my head.

3.

I’d like to send a cable to a girl who’s very far away − Half way across the Pacific − And who I’m always missing.

4.

I’m both sad and mad at myself For not having thought of it before For it’s New Year’s Eve, you know. *****

83

y A Bar Fight In Denver 1-2-1970 Some incoherent verses written after a bar fight in Denver.

(I don’t know how I ever got back up that mountain to my room.) _____ 1.

I slept in the blood That had dried and caked on my hands and face.

I had gone to town to drink Which I didn’t think at first Was all that far away − But it was.

2.

And as for her – The girl I was with − She walked right through my mind Like she owned it.

But she was also very kind to me − Walking ahead of me to clear a path For I was too drunk to it do myself.

3.

For whatever reason I thought to myself That the rich are always curious about the poor And the poor, about the rich − And that some things matter And some things don’t.

84

4.

My mind had also stopped on the thought That the deepest, saddest and most profound things Are never written down Or ever sung about − For they can’t be − For such emotions are all too strong and untamed For that kind of discipline.

5.

I heard a faint and distant stirring But couldn’t figure out Who or what it was.

6.

I thought again to myself That because of drugs and malnutrition Hippie children Will probably grow up to be small and sickly − If they make it at all.

7.

Although I’m very tired I just can’t seem to fall asleep right now. *****

85

y A Valentine (To Dear Stella) 2-14-1970 A Valentine poem that was never delivered as was the case with all my poems. _____ 1.

So many times you make me sing inside myself.

And although I often feel this way I rarely tell you.

2.

I’m so often at a loss To wrap my feelings into words And deliver them.

3.

You’re the warmest and kindest And most compatible girl I’ve ever met And I feel it in the deepest parts of me.

4.

So I ask you, dear Stella, “Will you be my Valentine?” *****

86

y

Don’t Try To Follow Me 11-9-2004 Needing time to calm and recover after a fight or hurt. _____ 1.

When I’m mad or hurt I retreat into my cave And it’s best That you don’t try to follow me.

It’s best That you just leave me alone for a while To settle things by myself In a dark and private place.

2.

When I’m brooding Don’t try to approach me.

Don’t call or seek me out.

Don’t shine a light on me.

And never ever touch me.

3.

It’s never safe To approach a wounded animal And best to wait Until it’s calm and feels secure.

Likewise, it’s best That I be left alone For the time I need.

87

4.

So never push or press me Too early or too much Even if it’s only Your sincere attempt to help.

5.

It’s best That you just let me go To my hiding place And leave me alone for a while.

6.

It’s best That you just let me heal a bit In my own way and at my own pace.

But don’t worry For I’ll come out in time − When I’m ready. *****

88

y The Monster I Awoke (On The Excel Bank Debacle) 6-2-1997 A frightening corporate experience. _____ 1.

I had no idea About the monster I awoke.

It looked small and manageable at first But when it stood up on its hind legs It was so much bigger Than I ever imagined it would be.

2.

This monster had grown Way beyond the means I had to cope with it.

This monstrous thing that I now faced Was big enough to eat me whole.

3.

In time I resolved myself to just accept my fate For it was the only way I had to calm the terror That was flooding over me And suffocating Even my very instinct for survival. *****

89

Post Script Because I had written a book when I was working with Peat Marwick, on “How To Establish a Bank in the US�, I was asked by a former Brazilian client of mine to start a US national bank, named Excel Bank, that would be owned by a very wealthy Brazilian banking family, the Safra family. Being between jobs I accepted. As part of that endeavor I was flown down to Brazil to meet the patriarch of the Safra family as well as the proposed owner of the US bank and underwent a series of interviews.

After the bank was fully established and chartered I suggested to the President that we set up a pension plan for the employees and he agreed, but he never told the Board and when the Board found out he cowardly told them that it was all my doing to save his own skin.

The President later had a falling out with the Chairman and left the bank. Then later I was let go for setting up the plan and worried that they might charge me with some impropriety in that they assembled a team of lawyers and auditors to do a full investigation of all the books and records. Even though I did nothing wrong, one never knows how these things might turn out.

For a period of time while the investigation was being conducted I lived in fear, the fear that one day I might see police cars in front of our house to take me away. I remember rehearsing what I’d say to my family and the media after being arrested. I also remember the fear I had of having a record and never being able to get a decent job again as a result.

In the end, they found nothing improper, but it was a very frightening and potentially life-changing event and a very scary lesson in corporate politics. ***** 90

y We Are Oceans 4-15-1998 What we know is what’s on the surface. _____ 1.

We are oceans And what we know about oceans Is little more than what’s on the surface And almost nothing About the vastness that’s below.

2.

But when we descend into its silent depths We’ll discover another universe Teeming with life, sound and color That’s a billion times the size and complexity Of what’s on its surface.

3.

Only then Will we ever begin to understand Anything about the ocean.

4.

We are all oceans − Deep, vast and unexplored. *****

91

y My New Desk 5-3-1998 I took a low-paying and non-prestigious job when I joined Bankers Trust, but felt it was what I had to do to recover from the Excel Bank debacle. While somewhat demoralized I swallowed my pride and resolved to work very hard to try to make a comeback. _____ 1.

I work long and hard at my new desk – My cubicle that is − Until I’m close to fainting sometimes For I’ll not be let go again!

2.

I sip my coffee Imagining That I’m in my former corner office − Imagining That I’m a “big-shot” again.

3.

Rowing back to shore Is hard, slow and tiring work After being set so far adrift.

92

4.

“Get back to your rowing!”, I tell myself, “Don’t stop your rowing Until you’re safely back on shore!”

5.

I work long and hard at my new desk − My tiny and humiliating desk.

I work long and hard – Sometimes until I’m close to fainting − For I’ll not be let go again! *****

93

y No Pictures On My Office Desk 4-20-1999 No pictures for a good reason. _____ 1.

I only have one family picture on my desk.

Might I therefore be classified as impersonal?

Maybe so, but it’s not that way at all.

2.

To me, my office is not a gallery And my family is not up for cheap or curious display − And besides, I have a penchant for privacy.

3.

At home though, it’s a very different story.

For in my home, I have pictures of my family everywhere Which comprise my prized, private and personal collection.

4.

Home is where I have my family pictures on display − Home is where I have my gallery − Not in my office. *****

94

y Which Would Have Been The Better Choice?

5-11-1999 You can never know the outcome of what you didn’t chose. _____ 1.

Between any two choices you have Which choice would have been the better? − The choice you made?

Or the choice you didn’t make?

2.

This is a question that can’t be answered For you can only know about the outcome Of the choice you made And never about the one You didn’t make For about that one You can only speculate. *****

95

y Oh What They Are Missing (On Reading Shakespeare) 5-13-1999 Appreciating Shakespeare. _____ While everyone else is fast asleep I’m here alone In the silence of my room Under a dim-lit lamp Reading one of Shakespeare’s plays. ~ “Oh, what they are missing!” *****

96

y Only Chance And Nature Are At Play 7-9-1999 Something will always find your vulnerable spot. _____ 1.

A tiny insect Will walk and walk all over you Until it finally finds a tiny hole In which to enter.

2.

And when it does It will leave a trail for the others to follow And the army that does follow Will eat you alive.

3.

And although you pray No amount of saintly prayers Can stop it.

4.

As grim, unfair and cruel as it may seem We shouldn’t take it personally For only Chance and Nature Are here at play. *****

97

y Busied With Degrees 8-8-1999 Wondering about the value of all the professional and academic degrees and licenses I had gotten throughout my career. _____ 1.

I’ve spent so much of my free time Obtaining numerous, professional and academic degrees.

Were they expenses?

Or investments?

Should my time have been better spent On more practical and more tangible pursuits?

Should I have been a little easier on myself And just been satisfied with the basic degrees I had?

2.

Other than for personal achievement and self-esteem And for questionable job security and job hunting leverage I often wonder What real value I had gotten out of them Compared to all the time I put into getting them.

3.

Had I been only painting Pretty colors onto empty houses? − Onto empty houses that I’d never occupy? *****

98

y Look Beyond The Messenger 8-11-1999 Look beyond appearances. _____ 1.

Look beyond their stark appearances And their broken speech.

Look beyond your first impressions.

2.

Listen to what they say And not how they say it.

Don’t let the manner of their speech distract you.

It’s not the structure of their words And how they say things But rather the meaning of what they’re saying That you should focus on.

3.

Get past the words and listen to the message.

Don’t overlook a profound message Just because it’s poorly wrapped.

Don’t miss a diamond in the rough.

Use your common sense.

Look for substance rather than form.

Ferret out the hidden from the obvious.

99

4.

Pay attention to the message And not so much the messenger For truth and wisdom Will often disguise themselves In very clever ways. *****

100

y Were You Ever Really There?

10-15-1999 The confusing aftermath of a break-up. _____ 1.

Weren’t you once my most cherished love And the greatest contentment in my life?

Weren’t you the peace within my soul And the calm to all my troubles?

Weren’t you all these things to me and more At one time in my life?

But now that you’re gone I’m not so sure If it was only my imagination.

2.

One day Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of something going by.

Was that you?

Was that you, leaving me?

It happened so fast and quietly That I hadn’t any time to react.

Was that you, leaving me?

And not even saying good-bye?

I guess it had to be For now there’s no trace of you.

101

3.

And now that you’re gone Gangs of doubts and questions, Regrets and sorrows, Denials and disbeliefs, Are running wild and lawless in my head Making me so confused about everything As to whether you were ever Any of those precious things to me Or if you were ever really there at all And rather just a figment of my adolescent love And my over active imagination. *****

102

y I Still Want To Fight 11-3-1999 Still inclined to street justice. _____ 1.

Whenever I see a gang of toughs With all their threatening macho moves And hear their foul and challenging language Aimed to shock, intimidate and provoke I get mad And immediately mentally prepare myself For a confrontation – or a fight.

2.

I initially get mad and scared.

But then I overcome my fear And add its energy onto my anger.

3.

Even at age 56 I have little fear of fighting And feel almost compelled To put these street thugs in their places Whenever necessary.

And if no one else will dare to volunteer To take a stand against them I’ll appoint myself as sheriff.

103

4.

What is it that makes me this way?

Could it be an acute sense of justice?

The compulsive need to right a wrong?

To set the record straight?

To control the situation?

Or to prove something?

Or is it just my nature And temperament?

5.

There also seems to be This animal part in me That enjoys: A good old-fashioned fight, A quick discharge of pent up anger, Dispensing vigilante justice in the street, Being judge, jury and executioner All rolled into one With no hearings, court appearances or delays − With no postponements, legal wrangling or appeals − But rather Just immediate justice in the street Simply settled by a fight. *****

104

y Wolf Packs 11-26-1999 Pack mentality. _____ 1.

People often behave like wolves Roaming in packs and growling at everyone And even at the others in the pack.

2.

Fast and unpredictability The pack will not only attack a weak outsider It will also attack one of its own − It doesn’t matter − In fact, it’s sometimes even better Because it’s closer and more personal.

3.

Even when the pack is fed and calm − Having just come from a fresh kill − Its members still often growl at each other With their heads aggressively turning left and right, The hair on their backs standing up, And all being wary of each other And never feeling safe Even amongst themselves.

105

4.

The pack is always looking for A throat to tear apart So sometimes one of them Will cast an unfounded suspicion on another Just to divert the pack’s attention Away from him.

5.

And just like the wolves We act similarly As we too have That beast in us And that pack mentality.

6.

Oh how long will it take If ever Before we can rid ourselves Of our animal genes And become truly Civilized? *****

106

y My Music Atrium 3-8-2000 My private and protective music dome. _____ 1.

When I play my music It’s as though A little invisible dome Is lowered over me That insulates and protects me From the outside world.

2.

Each piece of music that I play Creates an impenetrable dome around me − An invisible dome of sound − My little music atrium.

3.

Try to touch me, world!

Try, but you cannot! *****

107

y The Whiners 3-15-2000 Stealing from those who are more deserving. _____ 1.

The Whiners Seek to win our attention and our sympathy.

They know how well a little whining Over even a minor pain Can get them the quick attention they crave.

They’re like master actors on stage − So appealing and convincing − And winning over audiences Amidst thunderous applause For their over-acted performances.

2.

The Whiners Are like the suns in space that catch our eye Just because they’re highly visible.

Yet, these suns represent Only 1% of all the matter in the Universe.

The other 99% is represented by the Non-Whiners Who remain silent and invisible And who hardly attract any attention to themselves.

108

3.

The Non-Whiners Stoically bear their pains and burdens Without attention or complaint.

They stand alone and brave Suffering silently and never asking for any sympathy − Never forcing themselves onto center stage But rather meekly remaining behind the scenes Hidden in the shadows and among the props Making no theater of their pain As the Whiners do.

4.

The Non-Whiners − Oh how I admire, empathize and sympathize With those noble beings Who bravely accept their pain Without complaint, notice or theatrics.

5.

And the Whiners? − Oh how I truly abhor them Who despicably steal from the Non-Whiners Their deserved and rightful due. *****

109

y Too Many I Love You s 5-2-2000 “I love you” is so overused but plays well. _____ 1.

She said it so many times “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

She threw it out like it was cheap confetti.

That was her style – but not mine − Because for me Her style was all too “Hollywood.”

2.

To me, the phrase “I love you” Is an endearing and personal phrase Whose overuse is unbecoming And embarrassing.

3.

For me, “I love you” Is in the doing − In the deeds, not the words.

I therefore can’t bring myself to use it So…so often And so casually.

110

4.

Since “I love you”s play so well to audiences In using them so sparingly as I do I sometimes put myself at risk − The risk of being misinterpreted And labeled as being sort of cold and distant.

5.

My only hope then Is that more discerning eyes and hearts Will see and understand the difference Between what’s on the surface And what’s on the inside − Between what’s said And what is not said – In action Rather than in words − Between quality And quantity − Between quality And confetti. *****

111

y Self Contrition (To Vi) 11-9-2004 After a fight, time and distance work best for my healing.

(The two verses on 11-9-2004 resulted from a fight I had with Vi that made me feel bad and had me up that night writing about it.) _____ 1.

I cannot undertake Any kind of reconciliation too early after a fight.

I need to withdraw and regroup by myself.

2.

Don’t confront me with early requests To “address” the issue.

Don’t come too soon with offers of help For I’ll withdraw For all such good intentions will only generate Unintended consequences.

3.

Don’t “get in my face” With probing questions or proposed solutions Until some time has passed For I’ll come back at you As I’m programmed to.

112

4.

Don’t confront me right away.

Don’t push me into a corner.

Don’t take away my space.

Don’t cut off my retreat.

Don’t block my escape.

5.

If you push my back against the wall You might incite a rage in me beyond my stopping it.

Take notice for your safety.

Don’t push me farther Than my fragile limits will allow.

6.

Don’t jab at me for I’ll come jabbing back at you.

Don’t push me into something that we’ll both regret.

Save yourself from me, and me from myself.

Don’t turn a minor incident into a major one Just because you pushed a little too hard or fast.

7.

Don’t talk at me too much for I might take it as a taunt.

Don’t draw monsters out of their hiding places As it’s best you leave them be.

8.

Don’t lecture me about the error of my ways.

Don’t light a match Near a can of gasoline.

113

9.

A tormented soul Should always be approached with caution And never too soon For it could trigger a brute reaction.

10.

Don’t touch an open wound Before it’s had some time to heal.

11.

Don’t cross the line That I’ve drawn in the sand For I’ll defend my side.

12.

Not everything Has to be confronted Or addressed right away.

For the Trinity Of Distance, Time, and Self-Contrition Work best for me. *****

114

y

Don’t Make It Any Worse (To Vi) 11-9-2004 The purpose of my silence after a fight. _____ 1.

It’s not my intent to hurt you Or to shut you out After we’ve had a fight It’s more about my need to be alone And work things out by myself.

2.

Don’t make it Any more complicated Or difficult Than it already is.

Don’t read more into it Than there actually is.

Don’t make it any worse As it’s bad enough already.

3.

So give me the time I need To work things out on my own.

Don’t make it any worse Than it already is.

115

4.

Although it’s not the ideal way To handle things − And I wish that I could do things differently − It is what it is And I am what I am. *****

116

y The Bonkers Test 6-26-2014 Not working might drive me bonkers. _____ 1.

Well now − At age 71 − I’ve finally decided to quit my job As an insurance salesman And retire − For a second time.

2.

Soon after I retired the first time I was very restless and going “bonkers” at home For I felt that I was all “too young to die” – Professionally speaking that is − And still had a lot more productivity left in me.

3.

So I went out and got all my securities and insurance licenses, Looked for a job, found one and went back to work − This time as a financial and insurance professional Which was something I had always wanted to try.

117

4.

But now After two years being in the business And having gotten the bug out of my system The experiment is over And I’ve decided to give it up and retire again − Hopefully for the last time.

5.

I’m giving it up for four reasons: One, I hate making those demeaning cold calls And suffering through so many rejections; Two, I want to complete all my personal projects That will represent my personal legacy; Three, I owe Vi some time and travel For all she’s sacrificed for me; and Four, I’ve come to realize more than ever before Just how short life really is – Especially in this phase of my life.

6.

However Having said all that Everything of course Is subject to the “Bonkers Test.” *****

118

y

I’ve Had A Lot Of Practice At Being Alone 6-26-2014 Thinking about some recent loses of family and friends. _____ 1.

Recently I’ve lost a number of family and friends Which has had an effect on me.

But I’m coping with its resulting loneliness − Coping perhaps because I’ve had a lot of practice at being alone.

2.

I’ve always been kind of a loner, Never being very comfortable with people, And always keeping them at a safe distance.

3.

I’ve also been a constant daydreamer Who’s never been in touch so much with things here But rather always out there among the stars.

4.

Although I’ve had a lot of practice at being alone I’m by no means reconciled to it. *****

119

y A Distinctively Better End For Us 10-8-2014 What all the other creatures don’t have. _____ 1.

When animals And all the other wild creatures Get sick or are injured They’re left unattended in the open Where they’ll be attacked, killed and eaten By other animals.

2.

On the other hand When man gets sick or is injured He’s taken out of danger And away from predators.

3.

And likewise when he dies He’s ceremoniously buried in the ground And put safely away from scavengers.

4.

We are the only creatures Who are spared The brutal humiliations of the wild When we get sick, are injured or we die.

120

5.

We are the only creatures On this planet Who thankfully are afforded Some kind of civilized ending. *****

121

y Cat Baths 10-17-2014 Taking showers. _____ 1.

Sometimes I put off taking showers Longer than I should.

2.

Sometimes It’s because it interrupts my work And other times It’s just a matter of laziness Or procrastination.

3.

But I also think it’s because − I’m like a cat Who just hates water And getting wet.

122

4.

However When I do take my “annual” shower I feel great And wonder why I hadn’t taken one sooner.

5.

It’s a conflicting set of issues going on here With respect to the simple act Of taking a shower.

6.

Just as I can’t ever figure out What it is with cats and water And except for the reasons mentioned before I can’t exactly figure out What it is about me And taking showers. *****

123

y The Marathon Man (On Tom Carroll) 10-18-2014 Remembering always being urged to exercise. _____ 1.

I never do any exercise As I just hate to go through all the motions Of undressing, exercising, showering and getting dressed again.

For me it’s a lot of work, time and process And takes me away From the projects that I’m working on.

2.

I hated it When my old boss, Tom Carroll Used to pontificate About all the benefits of exercising And Criticized, scolded and warned me Ad nausea About the negative effects Of my not doing any − But I just couldn’t get into it.

124

3.

The only defense I had Against anyone’s arguments for exercising Was when I used to encounter those exercise freaks Limping around and complaining about The muscles they pulled Or the ankles they twisted At which point I’d relish the opportunity To tell them How great I felt 4.

And with respect to Tom Carroll again Who used to: Work out religiously in the gym, Jog many miles every day, Regularly attend yoga classes and Work with professional trainers and coaches − And who ran 7 New York City marathons − I think about where all that exercise had gotten him For he’s now dead And I’m still alive.

5.

Although there’s no direct correlation It makes you wonder. *****

125

y My Musical Relief 10-21-2014 The relief I get from playing music.

(Inspired by just having played the “Air” from George Frideric Handel’s “Water Music”.) _____ 1.

I occasionally take a break From editing my poetry And play a little piece of classical music On the piano.

2.

Even though I stumble through it And make a lot of mistakes I get such emotional relief from it.

3.

Just a little 10 minute musical break Drains away my tensions.

4.

I’m so lucky and feel so grateful To have this big little blessing in my life. *****

126

y Cat Food 10-27-2014 A costly purchase. ____ 1.

He spent so much money On that piece of art that he bought − And way more than he could afford.

2.

It had become such an obsession with him Where he just had to have it At any cost And where he sold almost everything he had In order to buy it.

He, like Faust, had sold his soul.

3.

So now you’d often see him Standing in front of that prized piece of art Captivated and oblivious To the world around him − And to the fact That he’s eating cat food Out of a can. *****

127

y Down There In The Cellar 1-8-2012 About an eccentric soul. _____ 1.

He was a strange and insecure person Who was more comfortable in the shadows Than in the sun − More afraid of the light Than the dark.

He was also more comfortable being alone Than he was being with people But at the same time He was never very comfortable with himself either.

2.

At times He tried to break out of his shell And his hiding place But always went back to it − Back to the cellar − Back to both his Heaven And his Hell.

128

3.

Who’s to say if his idiosyncrasies Are those of a crazy person Or just of an eccentric?

Who’s to say if he’ll make something of himself Or not?

Who’s to say if he’ll confirm Or contradict All the speculation that surrounded him?

4.

While being down there in the cellar Might bring out the worst in him As many think It just as well Might bring out the best in him.

5.

So we’ll just have to wait For him to come out of the cellar To see how things actually turn out.

6.

And if he doesn’t come out We’ll just have to wait until he passes away And go down those creaky wooden stairs And see for ourselves. *****

129

y My Crossword Puzzle 1-12-2012 Writing poetry can be likened to working on a crossword puzzle. _____ 1.

I write drafts of my poems over and over again Trying to tame, control and logically arrange All the words that are running through my head So they’ll all tie nice and neatly together And represent what I want to say In a rhythmic, melodic and poetic flow.

2.

With each draft I make a little more progress Feeling better that I’m getting closer To what I want to say And how I want to say it.

3.

But I do have my set backs And feel at times that I’m even moving backwards Rather than forwards When for example I find that my recently edited draft Is even worse than the last And I’ve muddied things up even more.

130

4.

I often have to “x” out entire sections That I had just painstakingly rewritten And thought were final Requiring me to give myself a little pep talk Before I can take another stab at it.

5.

Writing poetry Can be likened to working on a crossword puzzle Wherein each word in the poem has to be developed From cryptic definitions, thoughts, emotions and feelings That are swirling in my head And that I have to fit and interconnect With all the other words in the poem Both Down and Across.

6.

And when the poem is finished I feel a tandem rush of pride and relief.

But it doesn’t last for long For soon A whole new crop of thoughts and feelings emerge That need to go somewhere And I’m off again Working on another puzzle. *****

131

y Fingers 2-19-2012 A dichotomy in life. _____ 1.

I‘m looking at My new born baby girl’s Soft and tiny little fingers Holding on to my mine.

2.

But that precious image Will all change For in a month or so I’ll be back in uniform And clutching The hard metal trigger of a gun.

3.

We give life and we take life And strangely While there’s no contradiction We always wish That things were different. *****

132

y The End Of My Horizons 6-5-2012 The repetitiousness of life. _____ 1.

When I was young Each horizon I saw was a new one.

2.

But sometime later in life I began to realize That my daily horizons were all strangely similar − That they had the same bend and timing to them − Which told me That I’d been riding on a huge slowly revolving ball That was constantly bringing me back To the same point over and over again.

3.

Naivety has given way to reality Where I now know what each revolution will bring And what each horizon will look like Until that final day of life When I’ll slip away and off that ball And all my horizons will look entirely different − That is If there are any more horizons at all. *****

133

y The Merry-Go-Round 7-4-2012 The merry-go-round of life. _____ 1.

I believe I was born With a little lower intelligence Than most.

So in school I had to struggle for my Bs and Cs. And sometimes the courses and exams I took Had to be repeated.

But despite it all I got by But never with any great margin of error.

2.

I was also born with Or developed A slight inferiority complex or lack of self esteem So in my mind I’ve always had to prove myself To others And to myself.

But despite it all I got by And secured a life for myself.

134

3.

And as far as my social skills were concerned They were marginal as well In that it was difficult for me To be comfortable with people And to develop a broad network of friends that lasted.

But despite it all I managed to get by With reasonable success.

4.

I was also very indecisive About everything in life Including women.

But despite it all I lucked out And found a woman who loved me Both for what I was And for what I wasn’t.

5.

And with respect to my career There were so many jobs that I couldn’t keep.

But despite it all I was able to hold on to enough of them And for reasonable amounts of time To be able to provide Some financial security for the family.

135

6.

I was always on a merry-go-round Riding on one of its wooded horses That was constantly going up and down And around and around And always reaching for those golden rings With each pass I made.

7.

And despite all that circular And up and down movement I was able to grab A decent number of those rings To make the ride worthwhile And provide for a reasonable retirement.

8.

Despite all its problems and anxieties The ride did have Its share of excitement and reward − But despite having said that I’m very glad to be finally off That merry-go-round. *****

136

y Crucifixion 4-7-2012 This Roman form of punishment was horrific.

(A thought after Good Friday.) _____ 1.

In 60 AD half of Rome was destroyed by fire And Nero Seeking to deflect any blame or responsibility From himself Blamed it on the Christians.

2.

And then it began − For 200 years − The regular crucifixion Of Christians.

3.

In the beginning of his campaign As many as 500 Christians Were crucified in a single day − How absolutely brutal was that?

137

4.

The act of crucifixion Was one of the worst forms of suffering and death.

Often, before the crucifixion Came the scourging until your flesh was raw.

Then there was the tying of your arms and legs to the cross With course splintery rope that chaffed into your skin.

Then came the nailing of your wrists With perhaps a block of wood on the outside To prevent your arms from ripping off the nails.

Then came the nailing of your heel bone To each side of the cross Or through the tops of your feet With your soles pressed against a slanted block of wood On the front of the cross.

And with either method Your knees were placed in a bent position So you couldn’t lock your legs upright To take any weight off yourself.

5.

The soldiers would often smash your legs With their iron hammers to break your bones So as to inflict even more pain As part of your sentence Or just because they were annoyed at you For making them victims of your suffering.

6.

During the day you’d bake in the sun With the horse flies Biting at all your open wounds.

138

7.

And at night when the guards were asleep The dogs and rodents Would try to scale the cross And take a bite out of your foot or leg.

8.

Oh the pain of just trying to breathe.

Oh the pain of your hanging dead weight.

Oh the pain on your back, neck, chest, lungs, arms and legs And on all your nerves With every breath you took And movement you made.

9.

For 6 hours and up to 6 days You’d hang there − Each second of which Was wrenching and excruciating pain.

10.

The records show that one person Lasted 9 days on the cross − An unimaginable length of time.

11.

Most died however within a day or so From suffocation Due to the inability to get air into their lungs From the hanging and contorted position they were in.

139

12.

And what about what crucifixion did to your mind?

These poor souls must have gone mad From inhuman pain and despair, From peeing and soiling themselves, And from crying, cursing, screaming and pleading For mercy or for death.

13.

I would also imagine That the job of crucifixion itself Must have taken a terrible psychological toll On the soldiers who performed them With each having to nail − Hour after hour − Perhaps 10 people a day to the cross And then have to listen to them scream in pain And watch their families wail Heartbroken over their suffering For days and days.

14.

I can’t imagine any form of punishment More cruel Than that of the Roman crucifixion. *****

140

y Power To The People 4-7-2012 The power that the masses have. _____ 1.

How many times have we seen a few armed soldiers Walk masses of unarmed people to their graves As in the death camps of World War II? And how many times have we seen Just a few armed hijackers Take full control over hundreds of passengers?

2.

In both of these cases Had the captives rebelled – And who greatly outnumbered their captors − They would have easily overwhelmed them.

Yes, while some might have been killed in the process So many more would have been saved.

3.

If this fact were more widely known − About how much power the masses really have In their numbers – And acted on it − It would change the entire dynamic Between captives and captors.

141

4.

If both the captives and the captors Realized The power that people actually have In just their sheer numbers alone The few Would never be able to dominate The many − Nor would they even dare to try.

Power to the people! *****

142

y Everything Has A Voice 8-23-2013 Everything has the means of communication. _____ 1.

Whales communicate through low frequency sound waves.

Trees emit sounds when they’re cut or bruised.

Even planets, using their unique mass, speed and topography Etch their characteristic voices onto the fabric of space Just as sound waves are etched onto a phonograph record.

2.

Every living and inert thing has its own voice, Its own language, Its own means of expression, And its own way of communicating.

3.

You can hear them if you listen and believe.

You may not understand their language But you know they’re saying something For everything has a means of communicating As to who they are and what they’re feeling.

Everything, has a voice. *****

143

y Be Careful What You Wish For 8-25-2013 The change he wasn’t expecting. _____ 1.

I wished and prayed hard That you would change.

I also pressured you to change − Change to the way I wanted you to be.

2.

And then in time you did change But you changed By turning away from me.

3.

While my wish came true It came true in the opposite way I wanted it to.

4.

We have to be careful What we wish for. *****

144

y False Hope 4-17-2014 The seeds of disappointment. _____ 1.

When you have hope that becomes frustrated It’s sometimes worse Than having no hope at all.

2.

A key ingredient to survival Is hope.

But having said that A failed hope Could crush you And actually precipitate your demise.

3.

So it may be better to have no hope And no great expectations For if you never expect anything You’ll never be disappointed For expectation Is the seed of disappointment. *****

145

y You User Loser (On Tom Carroll) 9-14-2000 My harsh reaction to my boss and friend’s criticism. _____ 1.

You were so hurtful and disrespectful to me today − Me − your “friend” − A term that often has a hollow meaning to you.

And with your disrespect today It brought up in me A swath of resentful reminders Of your many other not so admirable traits.

2.

You are a skilled manipulator of people And a crafty strategist.

And while you easily out-maneuver your opponents And win battle after battle You may in fact lose the war.

3.

You can talk the talk But you can’t walk the walk.

I feel you know that But you can bluff it well And I feel you know that too.

146

4.

Although they’ll rarely say it to your face There are many Who see right through you For what you really are.

5.

You dazzle them.

You overpower them.

You get them all off balance.

You trick them frequently and easily And make them yield to all your wishes.

You’re a master of flattery and manipulation In that your victims Don’t often even know they’re being played Until it’s already happened.

You handle people so masterfully.

6.

But when it comes to handling your own problems − Especially your relationship problems − You’re not so confident or good at it And need to consult with, and seek comfort from, So many people.

Can’t you see that?

Can’t you see how in many ways You’re just a shallow and vacant man inside Rather than the one you falsely project yourself to be?

147

7.

You’re a User And often suck the life right out of others.

But sometimes even the drained and lifeless bodies Of the victims you leave behind Have more honor in them than you’ll ever have Which makes you also a Loser.

8.

All the agreements and concessions that you coerced from others By your dazzling board room presence and crafty words In getting people to do your bidding Or getting them to see and do things your way Are all ill-gotten and devious gains Because they’re all to your advantage And at someone else’s expense − Like false confessions derived under duress Or through clever manipulation.

9.

And because of your surface charisma You’re often “Yes”ed and “Yes”ed to death Just like a King is “Yes”ed by all his subjects So as a result You never really know what’s fact or fiction − Or what’s the truth and what is not.

148

10.

Many praise you to your face But resent you behind your back.

Your user-ways do not escape the simplest one of us Who can easily tell you’re using them But are somehow powerless to stop it Because of the “spell” You’re able to put on them.

11.

While others deal bravely and quietly With the problems and hurts that they have They are forced to endure your whining About all the minor problems that you have.

12.

You’re spoiled and weak But you can’t see that − Or can you?

You just don’t get it do you?

Or do you?

But if you can or do It makes it even worse.

13.

You wonder why You have no luck in love?

Well, it’s because you’re not so loveable.

Rather, you’re a self-centered user Which is a trait That no amount of your charm and charisma Can ever polish away.

149

14.

You, the User. You, the Loser.

When you hurt or insult me As you’ve done so many times I swallow hard and Give you my surface smile As any loyal servant would.

But what’s underneath the surface Is something entirely different.

15.

I and my job are expendable And only exist at your pleasure.

This is what you so often tell me.

16.

I’m so tired of bending To the elitist person you think you are − To the one who deludes himself into thinking He’s a man of the people When in fact it’s quite the opposite And something that’s only in your mind.

17.

You’re always reconciling and justifying That you’re right When you know in fact you’re wrong − Always rationalizing That it’s someone else’s fault And never your own.

150

18.

How immature it is of you To keep on reconciling and rationalizing True reality to your reality − Changing facts and re-writing history To create your own reality.

How can that, ever work?

19.

You’re selfish And you have to get your way with everything So when your opponents give in to you You say, “I’ve won again!”

Your superiority is once again confirmed − At least in your own mind.

But don’t you see That each such win you score May in fact be a loss?

20.

You manipulate everything And are an expert at converting everything To your advantage.

21.

And even though you’ve been abusive the day before The next day you’ll smile your charismatic smile And get everyone to smile right back at you As if nothing happened.

You have that kind of devious charm But it’s often all unreal And self-deluding.

151

22.

And as for me − Just like all the others − I smile right back at you And then hate myself for doing it For here we go again You User, Loser, you. *****

152

y

Real Soldiers Don’t Boast 2-25-2001 Build your army with true soldiers. _____ 1.

Build your army carefully By choosing soldiers who do not boast About the wars they’ve fought, The battles they’ve won, Or their distinguished acts of bravery For they’re the ones who’ll more likely be The truly battle-tested soldiers And the ones with whom You’ll want to fill your ranks.

2.

If you have a boaster or a braggart That’s all he probably is For those who’ve actually seen action Rarely talk about it.

3.

Let experience, not bravado, ride with you.

Boasting is no proof of anything Only scars and medals are.

So only fill your ranks with soldiers Who don’t boast. *****

153

y Off To War Again 4-29-2001 Each home project is a war. _____ 1.

Because I didn’t have the money or any job security To hire any help or take on any more debt I spent 7 ½ years Renovating our old and dilapidated house myself.

It was like a long “war” That took me away from the family And required me To put all my personal projects on hold.

2.

Since completing that mammoth project And only enjoying 3 short years of “peace” I’m off to war again − The war of maintenance.

3.

So as I ship out once again And kiss my wife and kids good-bye I’ll be missing them every day Just as I did during the last war.

154

4.

I often wonder What this life of ours is all about.

But I think I know the answer: It’s war then peace Then war again. *****

155

y On A Crest Or In A Trough?

7-24-2001 I wonder where I am in life. _____ 1.

Is life Continuous peace with periods of war?

Or Continuous war with periods of peace?

2.

Is a zebra A black animal with white stripes?

Or A white animal with black stripes?

3.

A similar question for me personally is: Am I mostly on a crest?

Or In a trough?

4.

While I hope it’s the former I fear that it just might be The latter. *****

156

y Out-Yelling A Raging Storm (Korea) 8-16-2001 Trying to explain the unexplainable. _____ 1.

I’m overwhelmed at times With the size, beauty and wonder of the Universe − Overwhelmed beyond words.

2.

To try and articulate its size and majesty Is impossible.

3.

It’s like using sign-language To try and explain Einstein’s theory of relativity Or trying to out-yell A raging storm.

4.

It’s so inadequate And so impossible That one might as well Not even try. *****

157

y Another Name For God (Korea) 8-16-2001 The concept of God is too primitive for me. _____ 1.

What shall we call this thing? − This thing That’s supposedly created us and everything? – This thing That’s way beyond our anemic comprehension?

2.

Religions call it “God”.

But the concept of some almighty god or deity Is just too primitive and tribal for me.

3.

For me I need to find another word for it − Something that’s more...

Scientific.

Something that’s more…

Relevant and representative − Of what such an entity really is If it’s anything at all.

158

4.

What should I call it?

What would work for me?

Shall I call it: A “Force”?

A “Being”?

Or just, “Nature”?

5.

I’ve got to call it something − Something other than…

An Almighty God As religions call it – Something more appropriate As that would be the only way That religion Would work for me. *****

159

y Will Anyone Even Care?

9-4-2001 Wondering about my poetry. _____ 1.

Here I sit Well into the evening With the recent verses that I wrote Transcribing them one by one by hand Into my little “Books of Verses.”

2.

As intense as I may be And as long as I may work at it No one ever asks me what I’m working on.

No one seems to have The slightest bit of interest.

3.

It’s discouraging for me to think That this may be a sign of things to come In that after I’ve completed all my works No one may have the slightest bit of interest In reading them.

160

4.

And what may be even worse Is that if they do read them in the future They don’t find any value in them.

5.

What a distressing prospect that would be for me When I think about it − All that work perhaps for naught.

6.

So I try not to think about it all that much And just press on determinedly And ready my heart for all the possibilities That may lie ahead for them.

7.

So if it actually comes to pass Where no one reads or appreciates my work I’ll just have to be satisfied With having done it for myself And for the art of writing. *****

161

y

I Don’t Last Too Long With People 9-23-2001 My personality challenges. _____ 1.

In the beginning of a new relationship Things look promising.

But after a while the relationship often deteriorates On either my side or on theirs.

2.

Something always seems to happen With disturbing regularity That makes the relationship Become less than what it started out and ought to be.

3.

Being sociable with people And developing lasting relationships Is one of my greatest challenges.

4.

I just don’t last too long with people And this Despite masked appearances Bothers me a lot. *****

162

y

You’re Walking Faster Than Me Now 11-8-2001 A couple moving progressively apart. _____ 1.

You’re walking faster than me now And I’m no longer able To keep up with you.

2.

And when we sit together The space between us Is much greater than it used to be.

3.

And when we go to bed The space Is sometimes even greater.

4.

I also notice That you never ask me anymore About how I’m doing.

5.

And when we speak It’s a curt and shallow conversation With primarily “yes” and “no” answers.

163

6.

You also seem more restless And uncomfortable Than you’ve been before.

7.

And you often sit and stare With little expression on your face.

8.

You barely look at me these days And never smile.

9.

And when you do look my way You seem to look right through me.

10.

You’re walking faster than me now And our distance is increasing And someday We might lose sight of each other Altogether. *****

164

y Drawing On Marcus Aurelius 5-15-2002 To offset my sadness about our declining culture I draw on a saying by the Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher, Marcus Aurelius who lived around 160 AD. _____ 1.

I know few who share my interest in − And appreciation for − The arts and sciences Which not only saddens me But also makes me question: Is it I? Or is it they?

2.

I’m also saddened to see our culture Gravitate lower and lower Into base music, Foul language, Open sex, Over eating, Ragged dress, Instant gratification, And constant entertainment.

165

3.

I fear our civilization Is fast decaying Like the great ones of the past.

4.

I feel I’m on a piece of ice Broken from the pack Drifting further and further away from it And melting all the while.

5.

At times like this I need some words of inspiration To keep my spirits up.

6.

At times like this I draw on The words of a great Roman philosopher In his books, “The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius”: ~ “Why should I care about what is not mine Or about the others around me?

It is only me who I should care about.

And if my principles are alive and well And my honor’s fully intact Knowing this Is all the comfort I need.” *****

166

y You Have Your Badge 5-17-2002 The price to prove one’s bravery. _____ 1.

Look into that Hole.

It’s dark and scary isn’t it?

It’s dark and scary to everyone.

So here’s your chance to show how brave you are Compared to the others By daring to reach in.

2.

Be brave!

Reach right in − Quickly and unhesitatingly.

If it turns out well and nothing happens You’ll be a Hero for your bravery!

And if it turns out bad And you lose your hand You’ll have it As your badge of courage and sacrifice And be an even greater Hero!

167

3.

With your missing hand As your badge of courage You’ll never have to prove yourself again For you’ll always be wearing it – No pun intended. *****

168

y I Never Know Who Will Be Speaking 5-19-2002 The representative voices of who you are. _____ .

1.

Sometimes It’ll be the strong man inside of me who’ll speak up.

And sometimes It’ll be the weak one.

But I never know from one minute to the next Which one it’ll actually be And always have to wait and see.

2.

Will the strong one push aside the weak one today And boldly take the podium?

Or will the weak one cleverly outwit the strong one And have its say?

3.

Unfortunately I never know who it will be Until whomever it is Actually begins to speak *****

169

y You Could Have Been Better Or Worse 5-25-2002 Mulling over who we are. _____ 1.

We always debate who we are And who we’re not.

2.

The debate is endless Among the “you”, you are to others; The “you”, you are to yourself; The “you”, you think you are; The “you”, you want to be; The “you”, you could have been; The “you”, you should have been; And the “you”, you really are.

3.

But you’ll never really know Which would have been the better “you.”

4.

So be content with who you are For if you’d been any of those other “you”s You might in fact be someone worse Than the “you” you are right now. *****

170

y More Neutral Things 6-20-2002 Debate things that are less subjective. _____ 1.

Avoid judgments and opinions About people and their qualities For they’re just too personal and controversial And so often result in heated arguments And hurt feelings.

2.

Instead Direct your judgments and opinions To less controversial things Such as the eye, A flower, A painting, A bird, The colors in the sky Or whatever.

171

3.

Avoid judgments and opinions About sensitive things And direct them to more neutral things Where science and objectivity Are the debating and deciding factors Rather than subjective feelings And sensitive emotions.

4.

Take the eye for example: Judge it by Its shape, color; size; movement, etc.

Giving no consideration to its owner Or his or her personality or personal characteristics.

Focus on the simple and more neutral things And you’ll be better off.

5.

You’ll still have your arguments and heated debates But they’ll be by far Less personal And less emotionally charged.

6.

Leave people, personalities and their characteristics Aside For they’re just too sensitive For any kind of healthy debate. *****

172

y

I Don’t Know What It Is Between Us (On Tom Carroll) 6-20-2002 Tom and I have always had a special relationship. _____ 1.

I don’t know what it is between us But it’s unique.

We’re both so very different But yet in many ways We’re much alike.

2.

We’re different in the sense That he and I Come from two different worlds: He comes from a world of: Important people, A charismatic personality, And first class tastes.

And I, on the other hand, Come from a world of: Less influential people, A gruffer personality, And more common tastes – The world of a kid from Brooklyn.

173

3.

And because of these differences We give each other insight Into our respective worlds That we wouldn’t have privy to otherwise.

4.

We’re also similar in the sense That we both were in the Navy And love the sea and sailing.

We also, both love to read And have a keen appreciation of history.

And we’re both very philosophical about things With him being a mystic And me more of a fatalist.

5.

We can talk on any subject too And never hold back our opinions On politics, humor, nature, the arts Or any subject for that matter.

6.

And whatever subject he may raise I feel I can, and sometimes must respond Either in agreement or in retort But always in momentum.

174

7.

And like two old Jews We can talk and talk on any subject And though we often argue It’s normally an argument of intellectual pursuit And more of a debate.

8.

What we have is quite unique And I know he knows Exactly what I’m talking about.

9.

For nearly 30 years we’ve been this way.

I don’t exactly know what it is between us But it seems to work. *****

175

y Nothing Original 7-24-2002 Wishing to be more original than reactionary. _____ 1.

I am the pan-ultimate observer And I write in direct reaction To what I see, hear and feel.

2.

I rarely plan or outline anything I write For whatever I write Normally comes out of what I observe and experience And my immediate reaction to it Which is triggered by A hair-like sensor inside of me.

3.

While I’m happy to have This reactionary mechanism working for me I often wish that more of what I write about Was more original – Coming directly from what I’ve created and developed − As opposed to something that mostly comes From pure reaction.

176

4.

But be that as it may I’m thankful for What I do have working for me As opposed to possibly Having nothing at all. *****

177

y

It’s Always Better To Have Tried 10-10-2002 Not trying is worse than failing. _____ 1.

He walked tall and gracefully − So tall and gracefully That his wings never touched the ground.

2.

He passed through crowds Of marveling faces and admiring eyes And inspired so many of them To be just like him.

3.

While many have tried to emulate him Most have failed.

But even though they failed They were better off For having tried For it’s always better To have tried. *****

178

y My Verses And Routine 10-25-2002 This is my poetry writing process from beginning to end. _____ 1.

Any time a thought or inspiration comes to me I stop and jot it down as quickly as I can Anywhere I happen to be And on any scrap of paper That I happen to have at hand.

2.

I take notes anywhere and everywhere And in any way I can: On my lap or knee, Against a door or a subway wall, Or even while I’m walking down the street! − So “Beware of Sudden Stops.”

3.

I’ve got to catch these sparks of inspiration As quickly as they come to me And before their embers fizzle out and die.

I’ve got to catch them − then and there − Before they get away from me.

179

4.

A few days later I prepare a draft Then I edit it once, twice, three times, or more.

I then place a dot (∙) next to its title To indicate that it’s done.

5.

Then early in the morning On the weekend Before the house awakens I record it in my little “Book of Verses” In my neatest penmanship.

6.

Then I put a check mark (√) On the draft next to its title Which indicates That it’s been recorded in my book.

7.

Finally I file the draft away in a cardboard box That I keep in the attic.

8.

With the process now completed I feel relieved and satisfied…

That is…

Until the next spark is ignited And I have to stop short in the middle of the street And the whole process Begins all over again. ***** 180

y Let The Experiment Begin 11-18-2002 Freedom entails taking responsibility. _____ 1.

I was a slave But now I’m free.

2.

Never having been free And never having been on my own before I’m frightened to death Of my new responsibilities.

3.

I’m free to speak But hesitate to say anything For I’ve never had a voice before And don’t know exactly how to use it And frankly, I'm afraid of what I might say.

I’m afraid of my own shadow You might say.

4.

But unless I shed The mute safety I had as a slave, Speak up, And take responsibility for what I say, I’ll still be a slave.

181

5.

I’m free now But not really free − Not yet − not fully yet − Not until I exercise that freedom.

6.

I have to shed my past And all my former thinking.

7.

I have a new life now And so Let the experiment begin! *****

182

y Stuck In The Past 12-10-2002 The need to shed the past. ____ 1.

He’s been stuck in the Past All too long now.

2.

He’s been stuck in the Past Working and reworking everything in his mind Trying to validate and justify All his past actions and inactions That got him where he is − Going over every what-if And choice he’s ever made That made him what he is.

3.

He knows that he can’t change the Past So he shouldn’t dwell on it As if he could.

4.

Being stuck in the past Is a self-limiting and debilitating thing And he knows it.

183

5.

His life is a vicious circle Composed of the Past and the Present With his Present always circling back to his Past In a circle that doesn’t include the Future.

6.

The Past is a corpse that he needs to bury − A corpse that he needs to Make the sign of the cross over, Say a little prayer, And then put it in the ground.

7.

Like a snake sheds its skin He must find a rough-edged rock And scrape off The dead skin of his past.

8.

Although it will be hard He knows instinctively That’s what he has to do For he’s been stuck in the Past All too long now. *****

184

y What Will People See In Me? 2-26-2003 We all wonder how we’ll be seen by others. _____ 1.

From my writings and my music What will people see in me? ~ A person who’s a bit melancholy and pessimistic But yet Has a sense of hope and purpose? ~ A person who’s so often hard and angry But yet Can easily be moved to tears by some little sentimental thing? ~ A person who’s had only rudimentary talent But yet Has tried to make the best of it and some mark in life? ~ 2.

On and on I wonder: What will people see in me?

One side? Or the other?

But I’m hoping they’ll see both. *****

185

y Looking For A Passage Lost 3-4-2003 A biblical passage sadly lost. _____ 1.

Although I don’t believe That the Bible is the word of God, per se I’m inspired by its symbolism And moved by many of its beautiful passages.

2.

Three years ago While traveling to the Philippines I brought along a Bible to scan through In the hope of finding Some simple passage that I could identify with − That would inspire me − And that I could recite to lift my spirits up When I needed it to.

3.

Then I found one!

That special inspirational passage!

The one that was perfect for me!

186

4.

But then I lost it.

I don’t know how But I did.

And although I searched and searched that bible I just couldn’t find that passage again.

5.

To this day I regret losing that inspiring little passage But still hold onto the hope That one day I’ll find it.

6.

And if and when I do find it I’ll be sure That it doesn’t get away again. *****

187

y

It’s Only Money 3-28-2003 Money worries. _____ 1.

When I pay my bills my heart sometimes pounds With every check I write.

2.

I hold my breath and try my best Not to think about How much I’m paying out.

3.

I close my eyes And try to block my mind from adding up The total of what I’ve paid already And what I’ve yet to pay.

4.

I try to calm my nerves By taking a deep breath and telling myself: “Keep your chin up And don’t worry so much about it As you’ll get by − And besides It’s only money.” *****

188

y To Hole Up For A While 5-17-2003 Ruminating about finding peaceful solitude, perhaps as Henry David Thoreau described in his book, “Walden Pond.” _____ 1.

I wouldn’t mind having A little cabin in the woods somewhere Where I could go and hole-up for a while And find a little peace and quiet And restore myself.

2.

And in that cabin all I’d need Would be a few simple and symbolic things: My music, My writings and my books, My coffee and my wine, And a little bit of bread and cheese.

3.

I wouldn’t mind having A little cabin in the woods somewhere Where I could go and hole-up for a while − Or maybe even live out the rest of my life − Peaceful, observant and invisible. *****

189

y The Real Heroes 4-4-2004 Heroes that aren’t really heroes. _____ 1.

Don’t be fooled By the glitter and the notoriety Of Hollywood celebrities.

While they self-promote themselves And the press idolizes them Their notoriety is only derived From one hype feeding the other.

2.

In most cases They are false and undeserving of our adoration For they rarely give anything to others or to us But rather only take from others and from us − Take our money, time and attention And worse − Our judgment and our perspective.

190

3.

If you want to find out who the real heroes are Look for those who seek no stage or podium And who have no self-engraciating images of themselves − Who sacrifice for others and seek no praise − And who do the right thing For the right thing’s sake alone.

They are the ones Who you should admire and emulate As they are the true celebrities And the real heroes.

4.

I hope someday We’ll change our way of thinking And more readily recognize These less-appreciated noblemen And revere them as our real heroes And make them our true celebrities.

5.

But because we’re not trained that way In our earlier years And are relentlessly brain washed by the media In our later years I fear that change won’t come easy Or anytime soon – If it comes at all. *****

191

y Enough Should Be Enough 4-4-2004 Excesses in guaranteeing our security. _____ 1.

All our genes and our psychologies Are directed toward ensuring Our safety, security and survival And our entire life is governed by The instinct for survival.

2.

And to secure our safety, security and survival It’s generally at the expense of others.

Case in point − We are forced to kill other creatures Just in order for us to live And just because That’s the System we’re in.

3.

We also secure our safety, security and survival Through the accumulation of wealth, power and control Which is also often At the competitive expense of others Again because That’s the System we’re in.

192

4.

While there is no sin in killing to eat Or in accumulating wealth to secure our security It is a sin When it’s excessive or over-kill.

5.

We can’t control our basic natures Or our instincts For that’s the software we’ve been programmed with By the System we’re in.

But we can and should control The extent of our brutality and excessiveness In securing what we need.

6.

We should never let ourselves get half-crazed With every whiff of carrion we smell Or by our insatiable greed With everything we see For there comes a point when Enough is enough And too much, is too much. *****

193

y Thunder In The Well 5-22-2004 I have a very over active stomach. _____ 1.

So often Out of the deep hollows of my active stomach Comes loud bellowings – This thunder in the well.

2.

It’s much louder than anything I’ve ever heard from anyone else And so loud sometimes That it often sounds like Rolling thunder in the summer − Or an erupting volcano – This thunder in the well.

3.

And of course these rumblings always come At the most quiet and awkward of times: During a business meeting, In a crowded elevator, Or when I’m talking to someone And trying to make a serious point – This thunder in the well.

194

4.

It almost seems as though My stomach does it on purpose.

It almost seems as though It loves to draw attention to itself Just to embarrass me.

What’s with that?

What did I ever do to it To make it do Such spiteful and embarrassing things to me − This thunder in the well? *****

195

y Living In A Dream Or In Reality (That Scary Point) 8-9-2004 Dreams should mitigate reality not replace it. _____ 1.

I don’t know Which one’s better Or which one’s worse − Living in a dream?

Or in reality?

2.

Reality is harsh sometimes And often requires Near exceptional fortitude to cope with it.

But with a dream You can craft A beautiful and painless life for yourself.

196

3.

With reality On the other hand Your world is imposed on you Without consent, consultation or consideration.

And what you’re dealt Is only determined by the shuffle of the cards.

And reality Often only comes in boring black and white Or maybe In a dull heavy gray.

4.

But with a dream You can deal yourself any hand you want And paint your world any color you like.

5.

So as long as dreams are kept In moderate proportions You’re safe.

But should you make your dreams Too many and too much − Or worse – Too real − Wherein they actually replace reality − Then you’ve crossed the line.

6.

When dreams are no longer aids to your life But rather become substitutes for it Then you’re at that scary point. ***** 197

y The Last Cut Was The Deepest 8-13-2004 Reaching the breaking point. _____ 1.

You’ve cut me many times before − Cut me like a knife − Both in private and in public, Subtly and bluntly, Carelessly and viciously, Directly and indirectly − Yet, I stayed with you.

And even when I left you I always came back.

2.

Each time you cut me I forgave you out of love And the hope you’d change.

But you never did.

3.

And each time you cut me I always gave you that one-more chance Which therefore makes me Partially to blame For forgiving all too easily And for coming back too fast.

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4.

But this time Things are different And I can’t forgive you And take you back – Not this time – For this time The last cut was the deepest. *****

199

y What I Ought To Do Is Just Pull The Plug 9-17-2004 The vicious TV cycle. _____ 1.

After coming home From a hard day’s work I watch TV to unwind.

2.

I’m not alone in this regard As millions of others Do the same.

3.

But in doing so I get glued to it for all too long And therefore Don’t get to bed until very late − So that by morning I’m sleep-deprived Making it very tough to get through the day.

And by evening I’m predictably all wound up again So that I need to watch TV again To unwind Which ends one cycle And starts another.

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4.

What I ought to do then: Is just pull the plug on that life-sucking TV set And break its hypnotic trance And that self-perpetuating cycle.

5.

What I ought to do: Is get a glass of wine and a boring book And unwind naturally Which combination Will get me to bed early And guarantee That I’ll get a good night’s sleep And have a better And not so challenging day tomorrow.

6.

While I so much want to break that cycle I also know That’s it’s easier said than done. *****

201

y Put Me On My Harder Side (On Cancer) 9-20-2004 About painfully dealing with cancer. _____ 1.

Put me on my harder side For my other side’s all rotten soft with cancer.

Please put me on my good side Until my good side goes soft as well.

Please put me on my harder side While there’s still some difference between the two.

2.

Dear God, if you’re there at all I’d just like to ask you, “Why did you have to create such a painful life for us When you could have made it so much easier?”

This question has always baffled me.

3.

While I deliberate on this unanswerable question Can you do me a favor, my friend? − Can you put me on my harder side For the little while that’s left to me? *****

202

y God Preserves All Our Tears 10-9-2004 Bear your hardships knowing that they’ll be taken into account.

(Inspired by “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Fankl.) _____ 1.

Do not frustrate yourself and sink your soul.

Do not despair or blind yourself with rage.

Rather bear it all − Bare all your sufferings with grace and dignity And believe that there’s some purpose to it all.

2.

Check the hand of suicide.

Don’t go out the coward’s way.

Look at death and smile at it.

Show your courage and your strength.

Look it bravely in the eye As soldiers do.

3.

And for all the suffering you bear Take comfort in knowing That God preserves and keeps a count Of all our tears. *****

203

y Tough Love (On Tom Carroll) 11-2-2004 My boss reprimanded me a little over the top. ______ 1.

My boss, Tom, Took me out last night for some drinks.

But as it turned out It was for some counseling as well That related to an incident at work Involving some of the staff in my Group.

It was the kind of counseling That he called Tough Love.

2.

He told me that I lacked good judgment − That I’m overpaid − And overpay my people too.

He also said that I only had my job Because of him.

He was brutal.

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3.

I was mortified, mad and scared But tried to maintain my dignity And hold back my anger.

I wanted to defend myself And go after him But I was demoralized And afraid for my job.

I was emasculated.

4.

He gutted me like a scaly fish.

He crushed my soul And damned me straight to Hell − To the Hell Of this new and humiliating world he’d put me in.

Though I tried to mask the hurt It was impossible To keep it fully off my face.

5.

Can I raise my head and eyes And face the world again?

Will my inner strength Step up and save me?

Can I restore the self-esteem and self-respect That he took from me?

Can I hide my humiliation?

Can I fool myself?

And my family and friends too?

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6.

“I’ve lost my strength for now But I’ll strengthen later on”, That’s what I try and tell myself.

7.

But can I rally?

Can I show myself and others what I’m made of?

Do I have the courage and determination?

Do I have the stamina?

Can I get back on my feet And regain my lost composure And my confidence?

Do I have what’s needed For a full recovery?

8.

Can I do it?

Can I summon up my bravery?

Can I make a comeback From this devastating belittlement?

Can I recover from this − One of the most mortifying episodes In my life? *****

206

y No More A Parasite (The Golden Goose) (On Tom Carroll) 2-16-2005 Mixed emotions about my job security. _____ 1.

A number of others could easily do my job At half the cost and half the effort And with twice the quality − But the job is mine − “Given” to me By my boss and friend.

2.

While I’m very grateful I feel a sort of shallowness inside of me For I sometimes feel That I’m a kind of corporate parasite Attached to a corporate host.

3.

Ego, pride and wishful thinking Pressure me To get out from under his wing.

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4.

While Pride tempts me To break away from him And look for another job Practicality counsels me otherwise – And not to kill the Golden Goose. *****

208

y The Virus Battle At Gettysburg 4-29-2005 The cold war. _____ 1.

A virus army has invaded And the war is at its height With the enemy attacking on multiple fronts.

I can feel it on the move, advancing northward From my chest, to my throat, to my eyes, nose and head.

I can feel the enemy gaining strength, momentum and territory.

2.

I also feel that the defending army inside of me Has fully mobilized itself And is fighting ferociously on every front Against this full assault For my fever tells me so.

3.

After many battles won and lost The biggest battle of the war Has just begun − The Battle of Gettysburg!

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4.

As the battle rages on, my head is bursting.

After three days of fighting With countless soldiers dead on both sides It’s still a standoff.

What will be the outcome Of this cruel and vicious war?

5.

On the 4th day though The back of the enemy was broken And Gettysburg has been won.

Then another victory follows Followed by another, and another.

The tide of the war has changed And the enemy’s on the run With the defending army in full pursuit.

Soon afterwards the enemy formally surrenders And clean up operations begin.

6.

But in this war that’s just been won I’m left to wonder − Like in any war − What are its lasting effects.

What have I gained and what have I lost?

Am I stronger for it or weaker?

Will I live longer as a result Or have I taken some months Or even years off my life?

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7.

Though the war’s been won I suspect though As in any war No one ever really wins. *****

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y The Best We Have For Now 5-28-2005 What’s best for governing people. _____ 1.

It’s unreasonable to expect that men will be good By themselves and on their own Without some kind of incentive And enforcement structure.

2.

So out of necessity Our priests and leaders have created A complementary and reinforcing set of Deterrents and incentives – Frightening threats of judgment and punishment On the one hand And incentivizing promises of reward On the other Both operating Under two parallel sets of Laws − The Laws of Man And the Laws of God!

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3.

The diametric and dual promises Of Heaven and Hell Are quite persuasive Working well on men And best on children.

4.

Our government and religious leaders Use these concepts of reward and punishment In confluence with the Laws of Man and God As the means of achieving their leadership goals Of power, order and control of the masses.

5.

In many ways They almost treat and control us like children And maybe correctly so For perhaps it just may be the only way – Or at least the quickest, surest, easiest and most effective way – To bring the masses into line For their own sakes, in particular And for that of society’s, in general.

6.

Perhaps in theory There may be other and better ways But in practice This might be the only practical way.

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7.

So until the day we evolve Into something more intelligent And more self-controlled − Until the day we become More effective keepers of ourselves And our brothers − This may be the best way we have for now And maybe For the foreseeable future. *****

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y Nothing Comes Fast Or Easy (Philippines) 7-6-2005 Commentary on my writing. _____ 1.

I have so many things I want to write about With an equal number of obstacles Blocking their way.

2.

All too often I can’t get started And draw a blank − And that’s when the pressure begins to build, My hands begin to wring themselves, My stomach ties itself in knots, My heart pounds hard and fast And my head aches.

3.

And even when I do begin to write Things often come out all wrong or unusable Requiring me rework them over and over again In a desperate salvaging effort To keep them alive And make them into something.

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4.

And even when they’re finished They’re really never finished For I often have to edit them Over and over again.

5.

And even after all that effort The results are more often than not Something only average.

So, I may wind up editing them again And often With only marginal improvement.

6.

For me it seems That nothing comes fast or easy Or turns out all that good. *****

216

y

No You Didn’t Turn Out Alright 8-15-2005 Doing more than just looking out for ourselves. _____ 1.

Yes, you survived your baby years And got through Your childhood and teen-age years successfully.

Then you got yourself A good education and a decent job.

And finally You got married and raised your children well And take them to church on Sunday Like all good people do.

2.

Because of this everybody says That you turned out alright.

But I beg to differ As you’ve really only turned out alright For yourself.

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3.

You never gave a second thought As to what responsibility you had To helping others Who were less fortunate than you.

All you did – Knowingly or unknowingly – Was to focus on your own well-being.

4.

You did all the things that were considered The right things to do But they weren’t quite right Because you did them primarily With only yourself in mind.

5.

So no, I don’t fully agree That you turned out alright Because all you did Was to turn out alright For yourself. *****

218

y

It Doesn’t Matter If It’s True (On Religion And Dogma) 9-12-2005 Finding inspiration in the scriptures absent religious dogma. _____ 1.

I’m listening to some gospel stories on the radio − Of Jesus and His beautiful teachings − And of His betrayal, sacrifice and crucifixion.

2.

So beautiful a man he was And so eloquent and touching were His words − So inspiring and timeless.

3.

As with everything that’s beautiful and touching It sometimes matters little If it’s true or not And rather only matters If it’s touching And meaningful to you. *****

219

y Who Will Cry For Me? 9-17-2005 The moving eulogies made me wonder if I’d be as grieved over.

(Written after a memorial at St. James Episcopal Church in New York for Gene O’ Kelly, a former Peat Marwick partner of mine.) _____ 1.

The church was full.

The eulogies were moving.

And the tears were genuine.

They sincerely loved this man.

2.

As I sat there I wondered to myself, “How many people will cry for me When I pass away?”

3.

Then a depressing thought came over me Thinking that possibly there might be relatively few And maybe even some Who might even be happy to see me gone.

4.

Why do I always go down These dark and self-disparaging roads? *****

220

y He Must Be Born Again (To Mike Dennis) 10-31-2005 A black co-worker was fired for having pornography on his computer (Having worked with me before I helped him get a job at Prudential.) _____ 1.

He’s sitting at his kitchen table Staring blankly And not believing what just happened.

He had fallen prey to cyber sex On the internet in the office, Was caught, And without a bit of prior warning, Was fired that very day.

2.

With five children and a wife And family, friends, church and neighbors all to face The question and dilemma for him was: Should he face them with a lie?

Or should he face them with the truth?

3.

Whatever he decides to do And whatever version of the story he decides to tell Will all depend on who he tells it to And how he feels they’ll take it.

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4.

It will all depend On who he feels will become his enemy And who he feels will remain his friend.

Each person will require A different version of the story For their sakes And for his.

5.

With no money coming in He may lose his home And maybe even his wife and kids.

Oh, the blame and guilt he must be heaping on himself All of which is due to The simple, inherent and often irresistible Weakness of the flesh.

6.

I think the only way he can recover Is to somehow be “born again.”

7.

So I pray for your rebirth my friend − I pray that you’ll be born again. *****

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y

I’m Dying To Die 12-18-2005 What’s after death? _____ 1.

I’m just “dying to die.”

I’m not saying That I want to die, per se All I’m saying is That I’m so curious About what’s on the other side of life That I’m just “dying” to find out.

2.

I’m dying to know If there is in fact another side.

If there is another life.

If there is a Judgment Day With reward and punishment − Or if there’s only death And that’s the end of it − Nothing more, and nothing less.

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3.

My intellectual Curiosity Is in direct competition With my instinctive Fear of dying Which two Titans are always engaged In an Olympian tug of war.

4.

Dying is the only way That I’ll know for sure − Or not know at all − If there really is or isn’t Something on the other side.

5.

So in that respect Out of pure and pressing curiosity And as strange as it may sound I’m just dying to die – Just dying to find out. *****

224

y Have Pity On This Empty Shell (Eaten By The Flickering Screen) 12-26-2005 The debilitating effects of TV. _____ 1.

After staring at the TV For hours on end I felt faint when I stood up.

What is this ogre in my home doing to me?

Is it slowly killing me?

2.

By watching too much TV I’m losing Not only my strength and energy But also my personality Which are being sapped from me By this flickering and debilitating screen − This electronic leech that’s sitting in the corner Smirking at me.

225

3.

Slowly over time I can feel my mind Being sucked right out of me.

It’s a self-inflicted thing − An addictive drug That’s taking over me And making me an empty and hollow shell.

4.

Oh have pity on this addict Who shoots up in the corner of his couch Every chance he gets − An addict whose only focus is his “fix” − His quick and easy TV high − An addict that’s damned himself to Hell By his flickering TV screen. *****

226

y Oh What The Years Had Taken 10-19-2008 How an old girlfriend of his had aged. _____ 1.

He hadn’t seen her in many years But by chance they met again.

She hadn’t aged well at all.

Her face had wrinkles everywhere − So much so That she looked like someone’s grandma!

And as he looked into her face He thought to himself, “How could she have ever been, my girl?”

2.

He couldn’t believe What the years had done to her − What the years had taken − Stolen − Sucked away from her − And left her looking like a dried up prune.

“Where was my girl”, he thought to himself − “The one who used to be so petal soft and beautiful?”

227

3.

Although he expected That she would have aged He didn’t expect That she’d have aged that much For she looked like she was in her 80s!

And as for him − As far as he could tell He was still in his 20s − At the very age they’d seen each other last.

And he thought to myself again, “How could she have ever been, my girl?”

4.

They were now Two vastly different people From two very distant eras.

She had aged so much But he hadn’t aged at all Which made him wonder What it was That he had ever seen in her?

5.

What had happened To that young and beautiful little thing That he had imaged And kept ageless in his mind?

What had happened During all those intervening years?

What gods had she offended so badly To have made them punish her so much?

228

6.

Her shiny black hair had been transformed Into a dull and salt and pepper gray.

Her soft brown eyes Were bulging now, distractively; And everything That had once been round and firm Was now Misshaped and sagging.

7.

Everything that he had seen in her As irresistible Was now So unappealing.

“What was this old hag doing here with me”, he thought − “With someone in his 20s!?”

8.

He couldn’t believe What the years had done to her So cruelly and methodically.

And as he looked at her again He repeated to himself in disbelief, “How could she have ever been, my girl?” *****

229

y We Are Labelers 2-19-2012 We label everything. _____ 1.

Whatever we see, we label.

We label everything.

2.

There are both benefits And risks to labeling.

3.

Sometimes we get it right And sometimes we don't.

4.

Labeling is either deliberate or inadvertent − Either a help or a hurt But often times we never know which.

5.

And as we label We must be prepared to be labeled too − Correctly, or incorrectly. *****

230

y I Give Up, Then Rally 4-27-2012 A constant back and forth fight. _____ 1.

As soon as I get up in the morning I’m in that daily fight with Life And have to push myself Past its blockade.

2.

In this fight I often times give up.

Then Just as suddenly and inexplicably I get a burst of energy, Take a deep breath, And push back against my resilient adversary − My own self-doubt.

3.

In this daily bout There are many knockdowns On both sides Which is draining and discouraging Both mentally and physically.

231

4.

I give up, then rally − Give up again, then rally again − Always wondering Which might be the last − The give-up or the rally − For that’s what’ll determine Who the winner is. *****

232

y The Race For The Bomb 5-7-2012 What if the Germans had made the atom bomb first? _____ 1.

They expelled the Jews from Europe Which then rallied the Jews in the US To help invent the atom bomb Whose power was so great That it stopped the unyielding Japanese After just two drops.

2.

The atom bomb – It was a devastating weapon Against which no one could resist As was proven with the Japanese surrender Who otherwise Would have fought to the death.

3.

Had the Germans invented the bomb first − And who were actively working on it – It would have meant world domination by the Nazis For similar drops of that bomb by the Nazis Would have certainly caused Each of her enemies to surrender one by one Including us.

233

4.

Had the Germans won the race to build the bomb It would have resulted In a completely different world for us And the end to all our freedoms.

5.

Oh how lucky we And the world were To have won that race. *****

234

y The 10 Round Fight 1-31-2013 A commentary on life. _____ 1.

Life is like A 10 round fight.

2.

In rounds 1 through 5 − You’re at your best.

3.

In rounds 6 through 8 − You feel the strain And are looking forward To the end of the fight.

4.

In rounds 9 and 10 − You’re in survival mode Where you sometimes wonder If you’ll even be able to answer the bell. *****

235

y

Life’s Experiments 12-1-2013 On who, what and why I am. _____ 1.

I’m jumpy and get startled easily.

I also get very defensive.

This condition might have come from either My own genes Or from my upbringing Where I was always worried About being blamed for one thing or another Or criticized for a poor performance Which condition is now engrained in me And a permanent part of my personality.

2.

As a result I’m always self conscious and not so self confident − Always having difficulty in making decisions For fear of making the wrong one − Always being afraid of being Caught, exposed or embarrassed Or for failing at something − Always being more worried about punishment Than the prospect of reward – And always jumpy.

236

3.

As a result I’m always Looking over my shoulder, Very pessimistic, Unforgiving of myself And secretive.

4.

That’s why I’d prefer to build my house underground Instead of on top of a hill.

That’s why I find myself running away from life Rather than toward it.

That’s why I’m so uncomfortable and standoffish with people And more tense than relaxed.

5.

That’s why I criticize more than compliment.

And why I’d rather be an observer than a participant.

And why I’m a bit of a loner And so down on life and suspicious of it.

6.

Nothing of this was done on purpose But rather just the result of some experiment That just went a little awry in Life’s laboratory.

7.

So here I am for better or worse And like everyone else The net result of Dr. Life’s experiments. *****

237

y Finish My Final Verses For Me 2-20-2006 Asking for a posthumous favor. _____ 1.

Whenever I’m moved by something The words well-up in me And jump from heart to pen to paper.

2.

Everything I write Emanates from my observations Of the outside world And from the deepest feelings and emotions Inside of me − All mixed together in random proportions.

3.

Sometimes they come out of me Unrestrained and in no particular order And sometimes in a very orderly manner − But they always come out Like they’re on fire.

238

4.

Whenever I get any inspirational thoughts I scribble them down Into rudimentary lines of verse As fast as I can And on any scrap of paper I have at hand Which verses often remain Unfinished In my pocket, bag or file.

5.

So when I pass away Please look through all my pockets And go through all my things And look for any unfinished verses And finish them up for me For I hate to leave anything Unfinished. *****

239

y

I’ll Never Stop My Writing 3-3-2006 Some reasons why I write. _____ 1.

I’ve always been sort of a loner With a strain of melancholy in my heart Which has me asking myself If my constant writing Is a symptom of these traits.

2.

It also has me asking If my writing hurts me Or helps me?

Is it a healthy thing Or not?

Does it help to cure or mitigate Whatever ails me?

Or just compounds it?

3.

Regardless of whether it’s to my benefit Or my detriment I’ll never stop writing – To both express and explain myself. *****

240

y My Private Time 8-8-2006 Simple things count the most. _____ 1.

On the weekends and before the house is awake I’m up and working on my writings.

Yes, it’s work But it’s a different kind of work.

2.

This is my private time − That cherished quiet time Before the sieges of the day begin.

3.

Updates to my daily journal always come first Followed by the editing of my poems.

4.

While I work on the kitchen sofa I have a piece of buttered bread and a cup of coffee.

241

5.

I take little breaks By looking out the window to my left − Oh, how I love to look over this property of ours.

6.

This is my cherished private time of day − Short-lived And gone so fast. *****

242

y My Lists Are A Constant Nag 8-19-2006 My “To Do” lists help me get things done. _____ 1.

I’m constantly making lists Of all the things I want or have to do And carry them around Everywhere I go.

2.

My lists are often long and comprehensive And I’m always adding to And subtracting from them.

I’m never without my lists And always working on them.

3.

Though many of the things That are on those lists Never get done − Many of them do.

4.

My lists are my game plans, My coaches, My drill sergeants And my conscience.

243

5.

My lists are always in my face, On my back, And on my case.

They even scold me When something goes delinquent So I try my best To get them done on time To avoid their reprimands.

6.

I really have to thank my lists In that half the things that I do get done Wouldn’t have had a chance of getting done If it weren’t for those lists.

7.

My lists of things to do Won’t ever leave me be!

They nag and nag and make me do What I otherwise wouldn’t do.

8.

While I hate their constant nagging I love the results. *****

244

y Every Dream I Have Is Tense 9-18-2006 My dreams are not so restful. _____ 1.

So many of my dreams are filled with tension: About being lost or left behind; Being late for some important meeting; Not being able to find something; Being blamed or ridiculed; Being jailed for some horrendous crime; Or something as simple as Being caught in my dirty underwear!

2.

Accordingly I don’t sleep so well sometimes And wake up frequently and tense.

Sometimes they’re even violent Where I wind up punching the air Or kicking my dream opponent so hard That I fling myself out of bed.

3.

There are probably A lot of complex reasons for these dreams But that’s a discussion for another time and place And a much more private setting. *****

245

y

We Know What’s Good And Bad − Instinctively 9-18-2006 Our gut is surprisingly accurate. _____ 1.

We always label things as: Right and wrong, Good and bad, And black and white.

That’s the way our minds operate.

2.

But having said that Sometimes There’s never a clear way to decide Which is which Because like everything in life The lines between opposing pairs of things Are often blurry, intertwined and overlapping.

3.

Sometimes it’s easy to differentiate But most times it’s not And in our struggle to clear things up Or to find our way We sometimes Just muddy up the waters Or turn sign posts in the wrong direction.

246

4.

Yes, while it may be difficult For our minds To analyze, define or articulate With any clarity or precision Which is good and which is bad And what is black and what is white − Our gut can quickly tell us Which is which With surprising accuracy.

5.

So trust and follow your gut And you’ll pretty much be on target. *****

247

y Missing Home But Not (In The Carpathian Mountains Of Slovakia) 5-18-2008 I could live almost anywhere. _____ 1.

I’m in the Carpathian Mountains Somewhere in Slovakia.

Should I be missing home?

Yes, perhaps But I’m not, not really.

2.

When I was in the navy I had my palm read one time By a Vietnamese woman And was told That I could hang my hat Almost anywhere And call it home.

3.

I believe my palm spoke the truth For I think in fact That I could live Almost anywhere.

248

4.

If all I had Was a little place to call my own That gave me some peace and quiet And privacy I believe that I really could live Just about anywhere – Even here In the mountains of Slovakia.

5.

Yes, I’m missing home But I’m also not. *****

249

y Deciding To Just End It All 10-29-2008 The end for a frustrated soul. _____ 1.

I’ve decided to end my life For I’ve never meant that much To myself or anyone And probably never will.

2.

Though I tried to form relationships They’ve mostly always failed.

And though they might have started out well They’ve never lasted And often ended badly.

3.

And now in this desperate hour of mine I can’t think of One voluntary or sympathetic soul Who would care enough for me To want to try and stop me.

250

4.

So, reflecting back And seeing all the disappointments of the past And looking forward And seeing little hope for any major change It’s come down to this – The biggest decision of my life – The decision To just end it all. *****

251

y Where Will We Take Ourselves?

12-26-2008 Worrying about the future of our race. ____ 1.

Where will we take ourselves?

And what will we evolve to Over the next 500 years or so − If we have that long?

2.

Who will give us the direction we need?

I have my doubts that it will come From any inherent attribute Of logic, compromise, or cooperation That we possess For we’re just not made that way.

3.

And while I don’t hold out much hope For any great improvement In our state of affairs I do hope That we’ll evolve and learn just fast enough To at least save ourselves From ourselves. *****

252

y Nice In The Office But Tough At Home 5-2-2009 Ironic relationships with family and non-family. _____ 1.

How ironic it is That we’re sometimes more civil to people in the office Than we are to our family at home − That we’re sometimes more civil to people who we care less about Than to those who mean the world to us − That we’re sometimes nicer to strangers Than we are to those we know and love.

Why is that?

2.

It all has to do With whom we feel we can or need to bully and or control And with whom we’re more sensitive about things And take them more personally − Both of which apply more to family than strangers.

3.

Sadly and ironically This often makes us more civil to strangers Than to those we’re closest to − And sometimes nicer in the office Than we are at home. *****

253

y

254