Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Five

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 5

f

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.

Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. Just You And Me Old Spider 2. I Naively Keep On Coming 3. Will Anyone See Their Value?

4. The Stone In His Pocket 5. No Fear Without The Symptoms 6. A Glass Of Wine 7. I’ll Take You With Me To Hell 8. New Dragons To Slay 9. I’ve Lost My Lips!

10. Is Alzheimer’s Coming?

11. Without It There Is No Passing 12. Be Thankful For Your Visit And Return 13. Tapping Out My Signal 14. I’ll Leave That Up To You 15. You Can’t Stop Me Any More 16. The Theater Of It All 17. It’s Comforting To Know 18. Brick By Brick 19. To Be The Kindest (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 20. A Verse To Stella (To Stella Lahoz) 21. I Can See Myself In The Squirrels 22. The Waiting Room 23. How Did The Internet Get Loaded So Fast?

24. The Perfect Murder 25. Had He Switched Sides?

26. The Sound Of My Pencil Hitting The Floor 27. Pray To Man, Not God 28. Mayflies 29. A Cloudy Day 30. Perfect Spring 31. Waiting To Be Led 32. His Cross-Eyed Obsession

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A Little Companion Star But Now I Do 30 Years And Still Waiting Citizens Arise Ghosts Are Possible Looking For A Motto I Refuse To Go To Heaven Without The Animals A Face Deformed Life Is In The Middle A Second Chance Where My Failings Don’t Count So Much This War Has All But Beaten Me The First Note Of The Music My Imaginary Audience My Paintings Are Kind Of Shy Waiting For My Destiny Perhaps I’ve Done Enough Already Which Is Better?

Am I Living For My Death?

I Was On My Way Only Scales Apart The Classics Learning To Fly She Had A Lovely Smile, She Did Afraid To End My Life Like This I Bring My Prey Back Home They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty Just To Have Decided Please Keep Me Off This Ledge This Will Be My Future Take Me Away Kidnapped By The Cell Phone!

Looking In Reality And Fantasy We’re Not Trained For Life That Tiny Other World They Should Have Stayed Just Where They Were But Here I Am The Undisputed King Being In Control All The Heaven That I Know Don’t You Think I Wish That Things Were Better?

We Sit Next To Death The Whole Train Ride

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Somewhere In Between If I Didn’t Have My Pains Don’t Classify Me So Conveniently Don Quixote Out Of Quantity, Some Quality Ready For Success Or Failure Practicing To Rebuild And Apologize What’s The Harm In It? I Only Fix The Walls Hang On To The Hanger-On The Desperate Will Always Come Back Home It’s Not Often You Meet Someone (To Bich-Thuy) Sleeping On The Side Of The Road (On Stella) How Many Times?

No One Knows Touchstones Still Not Enough Resculpturing The Past The Best For Her Will Be The Best For Me If Only I Could Have Proofread My Life It Could Go Either Way Waiting For The Final “Next” I Tried Everything But Love An Elbow In The Face Or A Finger In The Eye Life Goes Fast When You’re Looking Back Beggars Can’t Be Choosey Showing Off The Life You Ruined Writing Letters In The Dark Why Do We Audience The Messenger So Much?

Simplicity Is So Complex I Should Save My Energy Just Put In A Good Word For Me I Didn’t Mean Any Harm I Have To Take My Hand Away Not Until You’re Ready Why We Hold To An After-Life Belief Difficult To Work With I Pray That She Is Dead I’m Better With Things Than People The Waitress Who I Never Got To Know If Only I Could Sing That Little Pencil On My Ear

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Living On The Edge Of Life Keep Looking For The Light Out Of Reach My Ladies Of The Night Roman Candle We Must Or Else Two Irish Jews (On Tom Carroll) I Overlook The Harbor The Fence The Ghost At The Piano My Wild Bachelor Days Changes In Regime How Things Have Changed A Little Hole In The Sky Fate And The Children Of Cronos My Portfolio Soul Watch The Disadvantages Of Advantages I Always Need My Crutch Road Kill Workers The Making Of Our Portraits Watching The Clock Reaching For The Fountain Of Youth Escape From Manila (On Stella) *****

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Poems of Neil Michelsen

f

y Just You And Me Old Spider 9-9-2000 Two worlds that came together. _____ 1.

“Please continue working on your silvery web As I won’t disturb you And rather just watch you quietly From my chair across the porch For tonight It’s just you and me, old spider.”

2.

The humid night air was so refreshing As it lightly touched my face.

And as it touched the spider’s web It created tiny beads of water That looked like sparkling jewels Or shiny little stars suspended in the air.

And in the background Was the choir music of a billion insects.

Oh what magic is in this night.

1

3.

“It’s just you and me, old spider.

Though separated all our lives Each in our respective worlds Tonight we find ourselves together For this little interlude.”

4.

“So here we are Separate But together In a larger world On this special night.

It’s just you and me, old spider.” *****

2

y I Naively Keep On Coming 9-23-2000 Disregarding potential dangers. _____ 1.

Despite the obvious danger I stick my head up in a raging battle Just to see what’s going on.

2.

And like a trusting little puppy I fearlessly approach an outstretched hand Unconcerned about its possible motive.

3.

If I don’t see any apparent danger I presume there isn’t any.

And sometimes even when I do see it I play it down or ignore it.

4.

I even approach strangers Lurking in the shadows Oblivious to its danger.

3

5.

Even knowing the dangers That I sometimes face It seems there’s no restraining me For I just keep on coming.

6.

I often wonder If I’m just plain stupid Or more worrisome − If I just don’t care.

7.

So someday Either curiosity, naivety or stupidity May do me in. *****

4

y Will Anyone See Their Value?

9-24-2000 Wondering about the value of my work. _____ 1.

After spending so much time and effort On my writings and my music I often wonder Apprehensively If anyone will even find them when I’m gone?

And if they do Will they take the time to read or listen to them?

And if they do Will they find any worth in them?

And if they do Will they maybe try to market them?

And if they do Will the market ever favor them?

2.

I can only hope and dream And speculate about these things For what actually happens Will all depend upon How harsh or favorable Fate decides to be with me. *****

5

y The Stone In His Pocket 10-5-2000 Finding steadfast security. _____ 1.

He looked around At all the threatening faces And was thrown into an instant panic.

He looked inside himself for strength and courage But found nothing that would calm his terror.

He was all alone.

2.

But when he reached into his pocket He found a little polished stone Which he grabbed onto As if it were a life preserver Which provided him Some immediate and surprising relief.

3.

It was his touchtone – His lightning rod − That grounded his nervous energy That had nowhere else to go.

It was a magic stone That calmed his runaway fears.

6

4.

It was his prayer beads, His holy card, His rabbit foot, And his lucky charm.

It was his friend.

5.

He fondled that stone incessantly.

It was his ally, His comrade, And his advisor.

It was his guarding angel.

He wasn’t alone anymore.

He wasn’t alone against the crowd.

It wasn’t just him anymore.

6.

With that little stone He was able to calm his fears and keep his courage up.

It also gave him confidence in himself With the knowledge That it would never abandon him Like even some of his most loyal friends sometimes did.

7.

That little polished stone Was the most fortuitous thing That ever happened to him And that saved him from the brink that day.

He wasn’t alone anymore Nor would he ever be again. ***** 7

y No Fear Without The Symptoms 10-7-2000 Fear disappears with the symptoms.

(Based on my experience sailing in storms.) _____ 1.

Up on deck I see and hear the storm raging So much so that I can’t think Except in panic mode.

2.

But when I go down below decks And don’t see, hear or feel The pounding seas knocking me about, The hissing spray in my face, And the howling wind in my ears.

My fear is immediately calmed And I can think much more clearly.

3.

Down below Holed up in my rabbit hole cabin − I’m saved from the very storm itself For without the frightening symptoms of the storm There isn’t any storm at all. *****

8

y A Glass Of Wine 10-15-2000 My end of day reward. _____ 1.

A glass or two of wine is all I need To take the edge off my day And prepare myself for the night ahead.

2.

Two glasses are perfect.

Any more than that Is unnecessary − Unless of course I’ve had a very rough day And I’m expecting an equally rough night.

3.

A glass or two of wine Is my much looked forward to And end of day reward.

4.

A glass or two of wine Is my end of day reward That’s now become my evening ritual. *****

9

y

I’ll Take You With Me To Hell 2-24-2001 Death is less fussy as to with whom it associates. _____ 1.

It seems, Life That you’ve never fully accepted me Much less favored me Whereas Death, on the other hand, Is not so particular And will readily – Without any prejudice − Take me as I am With open arms.

2.

And because of your snobbery, Life I will go with Death to my Hell.

And when I do Remember I’ll be taking you with me. *****

10

y New Dragons To Slay 2-25-2001 Each project completed is replaced with another. _____ 1.

Each item on my list of things to do Is a dragon I have to slay And as the list gets longer The pressure builds.

2.

For every dragon that I slay Another one takes its place.

Each time I turn around Another one is facing me.

3.

The more I do The more I have to do.

4.

My dragons keep on multiplying At an alarming rate And at their current rate It looks as though I’ll be slaying dragons all my life. *****

11

y

I’ve Lost My Lips!

3-31-2001 The aging process changes things. _____ 1.

I was looking at an old photograph Taken almost 40 years ago When I was a young naval officer.

In my full-dress white uniform.

2.

Something though Just didn’t seem right But I couldn’t put my finger on it.

3.

Then Looking at a recent photograph It dawned on me As to what it was: Over time I had lost my lips!

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4.

40 years ago My lips were full and shapely.

But after 40 years of aging They’d become so thin and straight That they had virtually − Disappeared!

5.

Somewhere in those 40 years I lost my lips! *****

13

y

Is Alzheimer’s Coming?

4-29-2001 As I age I’m not as sharp as I once was.

(I poetically exaggerated this piece.) _____ 1.

Lately I often find myself Stumped for answers.

And finding the right words For clear communication Is now more difficult than ever.

And as for getting off a quick retort – Forget about it.

2.

I also can’t follow things so well these days And it takes more time for me To process even simple things Than it ever had before.

And sometimes When I’m confronted with a problem I often freeze − Like a deer in the headlights − Not knowing what to do.

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3.

Sometimes also When I make a very obvious mistake My critics are quick to catch it And I’m forced to listen to their pointed jokes For they just love to take advantage Of my newly-acquired disadvantages.

4.

I’m an old man now Losing both my position and authority.

And in all the photos that I’ve taken over time You can see some of the tell-tale signs of this slippage: In the earlier ones I’m standing in the front and center.

In the later ones I’m standing to the side.

And now, in my elder years I’m standing somewhere nearer to the rear.

5.

I’m also less conversant now And listen more than I speak.

And when I want to say something I often have to force my way into the conversation Only to discover that my opinions aren’t valued As much as they used to be.

6.

My wit is also not the quick and sharpened sword That it used to be not so long ago And my jokes have gotten kind of corny And out of date.

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7.

And furthermore I often find that I repeat myself And sometimes maybe even dote a bit.

8.

I also forget more things And much more often Than I used to.

9.

What does all this mean?

A hint of Alzheimer’s coming on?

Or just the progressive traits Of slow and natural aging?

10.

I can only hope That it’s the latter And not the former. *****

16

y Without It There Is No Passage 5-7-2001 Death is just a part of Life. _____ 1.

We’ve never trained ourselves to understand That Death is just a part of Life.

And so, for our entire lives We live in denial − and fear of it.

We should be taught about Death From the minute we are born Because that’s exactly when we begin to die.

2.

We must think of Death As just a part of Life.

We must see it As we’d see an old friend approaching From down a long, long corridor Who at first appears small But then, as time goes on, and the distance closes, Gets bigger and bigger Until he’s Life size.

And all the while that he’s advancing We should be practicing our warm welcoming smiles For the time when we’ll finally meet Face to face.

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3.

We shouldn’t look at Death As an approaching and fearful enemy And use that long, long walk to prepare to fight it But rather, to embrace it.

4.

Death’s the Doorman Who will lead us out of one room of our existence And into another.

And as we pass him we should smile With our practiced smiles and tip him for his service For without him there’d be no passage And we’d be stuck in place forever.

5.

And Death is not so fussy And who’ll happily receive our wasted shells That Life and nobody else want And for this We should be thankful.

6.

And finally Death is not a Boogeyman But rather our Comforter and Savior For it will kindly end for us All the pains and worries of this world And put us softly down To an eternal, undisturbed and restful sleep And for this too We should be equally thankful. ***** 18

y Be Thankful For Your Visit And Return 5-7-2001 Life is a visit to another place. _____ 1.

A Door is opened And you will enter A Room Where your Life will begin.

2.

Your Visit to that Room Is your experience with Life.

It’s the In-Between From the Where you were To the Where you will return After your Visit.

3.

Sometime later The Door will open again And you’ll leave that Room And return To that Somewhere Else – To the warm and liquid womb From which you came − To the Dark, Quiet, Safe and Secure.

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4.

With your return there’ll be: No more emotion, No more decision-making, And no more fear and apprehension − For that will all be over with And your experiment with Life Will be done.

5.

Close your eyes And sleep a blissful peace As there’s no longer any need To feed or fend for yourself For you’re back within the Womb Where Everything is safe And provided for.

6.

Your Visit was your taste of Life − Your taste of Self and Ego, Of Fear and Anger, Of Love and Hate.

Be thankful that you had it.

But be more thankful For your return. *****

20

y Tapping Out My Signal 5-25-2001 Hoping someone finds some value in my work. _____ 1.

I’m tapping out my signal Through my music and my writings In the hope that someone out there Will be listening And will hear it.

2.

Like a spaceship Launched from the tiny planet Earth I’m on a long and lonely mission Through the vast blackness of outer space Hoping that someday I’ll make contact.

3.

I must continue tapping out my signal In the hope that one of these days Someone out there Will hear it. *****

21

y

I’ll Leave That Up To You 5-27-2001 My works may be better judged after I’m gone. _____ 1.

I have little hope That I’ll impress you much With any of my work While I’m alive.

2.

Rather I’m hoping that perhaps After I’m gone − And all the stark distractive forces Of my personality And those of time and circumstances Are no longer in the way − You might be more inclined To look at them more closely And with more of an open mind.

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3.

Perhaps after I’m gone You’ll view my works A little more objectively.

Perhaps then You’ll appreciate them A little more than you did When I was here.

4.

So whatever opinions you have About my work Based on their own merits Or from their association with me − And whatever you decide to do with them Or say about me − Will be entirely up to you For after I am gone I’ll leave that all up to you. *****

23

y

You Can’t Stop Me Any More (The Bridge) 5-27-2001 Facing your fears. _____ 1.

Will I ever cross that bridge?

Will I ever look its keeper, Fear Straight in the eye And make him step aside?

2.

Can I keep my eyes Fixed and fearless on his And one day pass him Shoulder to shoulder?

3.

“Yes I can!”, I finally decide, “For I can’t stay frozen On this side of the bridge forever.”

4.

So now I’m up and walking Slowly and deliberately across the bridge Knowing that not too long from now I’ll be face to face with him.

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5.

Though frightened I summon up All I have inside of me And continue walking.

6.

Soon I’m abreast of him – Face to face − And tell him with practiced bravery, “I’ve come to cross the bridge − The one you’ve guarded all these years.

I’m not afraid of you as I used to be And won’t be intimidated anymore!”

7.

And then I’m over.

I’ve made it to the other side And will never need to be afraid of him again − Or to doubt myself.

I finally did it − And did it myself.

8.

I’m a different person now In a different land − A land of new opportunity – On the other side of the bridge. *****

25

y The Theater Of It All (On Religion) 6-4-2001 More impressed with the theater than the play. _____ 1.

Lately I’ve been going to Church with the family − Mainly for Mom’s sake And to set a good example for the kids.

2.

Though I’m not a true “believer” Something powerfully strange comes over me When I take communion And say a little prayer for my family − I get emotional and sometimes Even have to fight back the tears.

3.

What causes this to happen?

I’m not exactly sure.

But I believe it has to do with the fact that While I don’t believe so much In the Mass, religious dogma and the sacraments, per se I do get caught up With the concept and the theater of it all.

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4.

I get caught up With the powerfully mystical concept of: A communion with Christ, God or some other Higher Being − Caught up With the mixed powers of superstition and suggestion That kind of makes me wish That it was all true and real.

5.

I’m more impressed With the alter-stage, The robed actors, The stirring music, The stained glass windows And the high cathedral ceilings.

6.

I’m more impressed With the mysticism, The music, And the architecture of the church Than I am With the underlying religion and its dogma.

7.

I’m more impressed with the theater Than the play.

8.

I’m more impressed With the theater of it all. ***** 27

y

It’s Comforting To Know (Is It That Time Already?)

5-11-1999 We may think we’re ready but we’re not. _____ 1.

It’s with mixed emotions That I take some comfort in knowing That in this match with Life I’m not alone in my worries And that others Are in lock-step with me.

2.

With similar mixed emotions I also take some comfort in knowing That this long and tormented life of ours − Which I often felt would never end − Will in fact come to an end.

3.

And when that day finally comes Fate will approach me And without an inkling of emotion Glance down at its watch Nod And tell me That it’s time to go.

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4.

But despite my relief That my worries will be over And despite my consternation As to why it took so long I’ll probably − Like most everyone else − Respond with understandable fear and trepidation And look down at my watch And say, “Wow, is it that time Already?” *****

29

y Brick By Brick 7-7-1997 The shelter he built. _____ 1.

They whipped him frequently − Sometimes in hate And sometimes just for fun.

Despite it all though, he continued collecting − Collecting a brick a day, a week, a month.

One by one.

He tried to conceal what he was doing For if they ever found him out They’d whip him even more.

2.

He was always isolated from the others.

He was made the hunch-back of the town.

Though some kind hearts took pity on him They lacked the courage And or the influence To be much help to him.

3.

When he finally collected enough bricks He got down on his knees And began to build his little house Brick by brick.

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4.

Never daring to raise his eyes He worked quietly and little by little So as not to draw any attention to what he was doing But at the same time Always expecting that he might be discovered And he’d feel their whips again.

5.

Then one day His house was completed.

And on that day − With pride and great relief − He closed the door behind him.

6.

Things were better now.

He was safe – Safer than before But not completely safe − For he could still hear them On the other side of the door. *****

31

y To Be The Kindest (Remembering Bich-Thuy) (San Francisco) 10-13-1967 Remembering a time at Ala Wai Canal in Waikiki, when Thuy, being a Buddhist, stopped me from killing a cockroach. _____ 1.

When I went to step on a little cockroach She stopped me, “No, Neil, no!”, she begged.

She was visibly upset And cried upon my chest.

2.

Through her tears she explained to me That she wanted to remember me As the kindest person she had ever known and loved And was afraid that I’d become a lesser person If I killed that little thing.

3.

I was shocked into a different world.

She was so different − So very, very different. *****

32

y A Verse To Stella (To Stella Lahoz) 6-9-1969 Waiting for Stella at the Washington DC airport. _____ 1.

I’m very tired And my eyes are heavy For I’ve been traveling for hours Just to meet you here.

2.

As I’m sitting here alone In the airport longue Waiting I’m thinking about How your eyes will look tonight And how they’ll make me smile For love And for missing you. *****

33

y I Can See Myself In The Squirrels 4-20-2014 Understanding things but not being able to control them. _____ 1.

I’m looking out the window Watching the squirrels chasing after each other.

It’s mating season And they’re just doing What they’ve been programmed to do.

And while they don’t understand What and why they’re doing what they’re doing I understand completely And know that it’s the same program That’s governing us Except that ours Is just a little more sophisticated.

2.

But just because I can see myself in the squirrels And understand The compulsive processes that drive them Doesn’t mean That I have any more control over what I do Than they. *****

34

y The Waiting Room (On Retirement) 4-22-2014 An exaggerated analogy about retirement. _____ 1.

I ducked off the noisy and congested street And into a quiet building And then Into an even more quiet waiting room.

2.

I’m out of the action now.

I’m out of the competition For I’m retired now − Retired from the busy streets.

3.

So here I am Sitting in this waiting room Quietly reading old magazines − Just waiting for That big heavy door in front of me − That I can’t stop staring at − To open And for Dr. Death to yell out, “Next?” *****

35

y How Did The Internet Get Loaded So Fast?

6-26-2014 The magic of the internet. _____ 1.

From the day the internet was launched It seemed that almost immediately It had all the information in the world on it.

How could that have happened so fast?

2.

One day it was launched And the next day it was full of information.

How could that have happened?

How could so much information − Much of which was in analog form And had to be converted into digital form − Have been loaded so quickly onto the net?

3.

After the internet was launched I would have expected to encounter such messages as: “Sorry no information on that topic is available at this time.”

But no, I never got any such message And whatever I searched for I got.

36

4.

In every other new data base or system There were always − And understandably − Situations where you’d receive messages like that.

But not with the internet.

5.

It seemed that one minute The internet was up And the next minute All the information in the world was on it And ready to go.

6.

It seemed that the night before The internet was empty But by morning It was full.

7.

This phenomenon − No, this miracle − Has always baffled me.

I’m sure there’s an explanation And would love hear it For I’m always interested in magic and miracles And how they’re actually done. *****

37

y The Perfect Murder 6-26-2014 Planning the perfect murder. _____ 1.

You can plan a murder To the nth degree − Or any crime for that matter − But it’ll never be perfect.

2.

It’ll never be perfect On paper Or in execution For you’ll always Have overlooked something.

3.

The only perfect murder Will be the one That just happens to be The luckiest. *****

38

y Had He Switched Sides?

6-26-2014 Had things changed for him? _____ 1.

He was never very happy with Life And always had a kind of death wish That he carried around with him.

2.

With him it was always a contest Between Life and Death Where he mostly found himself Rooting for Death For the relief it would bring.

3.

But with that being said And without any perceptible reason He recently began Rooting for Life.

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4.

Had he switched sides?

Was this a sign That things had fundamentally changed for him?

Was this a sign That he somehow had turned some kind of corner?

Was this a sign That he had found the inner peace That he’d been missing?

5.

Not wanting To jump to any premature conclusions Or get his hopes up too high Only to be dashed later He told himself That he’d just have to wait and see And confirm just what side it was That he was actually on − On a new one Or the same old, old one In disguise. *****

40

y The Sound Of My Pencil Hitting The Floor 1-12-2012 On aging. _____ 1.

When I write my poems these days I sometimes find myself dosing off Only to be awakened with a start By the sound of my pencil hitting the floor.

2.

And likewise When I’m watching TV at the end of the day I sometimes doze off Only to be awakened by the jolt Of my chin hitting my chest.

3.

“What’s going on with me?”, I ask myself.

“Why do I find myself so often Dozing off like some old man?”

41

4.

After thinking about it though My initial concern wanes When I come to realize That I am an old man And that what I’m experiencing Is just a natural part of aging.

5.

And when I think about it a little more I come to the more profound realization That as I continue to age I’ll be dozing off More and more And deeper and deeper And for longer and longer periods of time Until one day I’ll doze off for good. *****

42

y Pray To Man, Not God 2-26-2012 We should look primarily to ourselves for help. _____ 1.

It’s such a wasted effort − Praying to God − As it’s nothing more Than a primitive and pagan extension Of praying to the God of thunder, lightning or love.

2.

Praying to And pinning our hopes On a God that probably doesn’t exist Is a useless and futile waiting game − Waiting for God to intervene and help us When we should be taking the actions necessary To achieve whatever it is that we’re praying for.

3.

Our prayers should be converted into Dialogues with ourselves and our fellow man That will stimulate us as individuals and as a society To develop the solutions and actions we should take.

We must answer our own prayers, not God.

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4.

Praying to God for rain Is little more than praying to a rain god When we should be digging irrigation ditches.

5.

Praying to God Beguiles us into doing nothing And into hoping that God will do What we should be doing.

6.

Praying to God Is like sitting at a bus stop Patiently looking at our watches Waiting for a bus that will never come When we should be up and walking Towards our destinations.

7.

But even if I’m wrong And there is a God I believe That He won’t take Too great of an offence at my skepticism But rather give me some credit For my independent and scientific thinking As well as some credence to the old saying That “God helps those who help themselves.” *****

44

y Mayflies 3-7-2012 Our lives are like those of simple mayflies. _____ 1.

We are born, live and then die Similarly as fast, furious and meaningless As mayflies.

2.

After our mothers’ screams at birth, A short burst of life, And a quick mating We’ll flutter and fall to the ground Twitching and sucking in our final breaths After which we’ll be gone.

3.

This is the short and programmed life we have Which is not much more Than the one-day lives of mayflies − In the overall scheme of things. *****

45

y A Cloudy Day 3-31-2012 A cloudy day versus a sunny one. _____ 1.

I sometimes prefer a cloudy day Over a bright and sunny one For a bright day violates my privacy And exposes me like a spotlight would.

2.

I sometimes prefer a day With soft ambient light That has no intrusive glare to it And that doesn’t create Bold and imposing contrasts Of light and shadow.

3.

On a bright and sunny day I often shrivel up and retreat from its glare.

But on a soft cloudy day I feel unchallenged and safe.

46

4.

The sun is often like a predator With its stalking and piercing eye.

And I am like an animal Who finds protection In the shadows of the night.

5.

While I sometimes appreciate A bright and bold sunny day I also appreciate A veiled and submissive cloudy day As well. *****

47

y Perfect Spring 4-5-2012 Spring makes the world look perfect. _____ 1.

The sky is a sharp clear blue, The clouds are pure and white, The green buds of the trees are peeking out, And the sweet and colorful flowers are pushing up everywhere All of which seduces you into believing That everything is beautiful and will last forever.

2.

But then, out of the corner of your eye You spot a weed, and a second, and then a third.

And when you take your blinders off and look more closely You can see them coming up Everywhere.

3.

Why can’t beauty be left alone and unmolested?

Why can’t dreams be only happy dreams?

Why can’t Spring remain perfect − Even for just a little while? *****

48

y Waiting To Be Led 1-22-2013 We are similar to pack animals in many respects. _____ 1.

Unsure of ourselves And afraid to be leaders We willingly wait for the bridles To be put around our necks And the bits in our mouths.

2.

And just like pack animals We wait for our burdens To be placed on our backs.

3.

And just like all docile animals We wait for our riders to mount us And lead us where they wish.

4.

So here we stand At our hitching post Waiting for our packs and our riders − Waiting to be led. *****

49

y His Cross-Eyed Obsession 2-16-2013 How a small thing can become a big thing. _____ 1.

As soon as he began speaking at the podium He noticed a little hair Growing on the end of his nose.

It was annoying – And annoying at the most awkward of times – When he was giving his presentation.

2.

In time it began to really bother him.

It began to get to him Causing him to look at it More and more.

3.

Many in the audience Wondered why He occasionally went cross-eyed.

4.

He somehow Just couldn’t ignore That little hair on the end of his nose.

50

5.

While it was only a little thing It became a big thing with him − As it became his big Cross-eyed obsession. *****

51

y A Little Companion Star 2-17-2013 A little star next to a big moon. _____ 1.

I looked up at the sky And saw a big bright moon – A bold and brilliant moon − Secure and self-confident.

2.

We looked at each other And I knew who was boss.

3.

Then I noticed a little star Nestled right next to the moon And wondered what it was doing there.

Was it looking for: Companionship, protection or warmth?

4.

Needing no answer I was content Just to gaze at its sparkling beauty And think about the circumstances That had brought us together tonight. *****

52

y But Now I Do 5-12-2013 A realization that came late. _____ 1.

Back then I didn’t understand the hurt she felt But now I do.

2.

I didn’t realize How painful it was for her But now I do.

3.

With age and maturity And a few hurts of my own I came to realize How much I hurt her.

4.

Back then I didn’t understand the hurt she felt Or feel guilty about it But now I do. *****

53

y 30 Years And Still Waiting 6-4-2001 Still waiting for that final defining moment. _____ 1.

In the earlier years of my life I’ve had some breakthroughs That literally changed my life But that was some 30 years ago.

2.

Ever since then I’ve been waiting for the next one – The big one − The one that would give me the gift of The perfect attitude about life − The one that would allow me to handle Any problem that life threw at me − Confidently, calmly and philosophically.

3.

I believe that what separates my present attitude From the one I want and am waiting for May be something: That’s surprisingly easy to achieve − That may be right under my nose − That’s simply hiding behind a thin gossamer veil − Or that only requires a slight adjustment To my current attitude and way of thinking.

54

4.

Having said that Things that are close, obvious And appear to be easy to accomplish Are often the hardest And present some of the greatest frustrations: A glass of water just out of reach, The missing piece of the puzzle, That one hair that just won’t stay down, That fragrance you just can’t name, The missing term in an equation, Or the face that you just can’t place.

5.

All this waiting, hoping and continued frustration Fevers me like a tender boil That needs to be lanced.

6.

The arrival of this final breakthrough May wrap itself in a crisis Like my past breakthroughs have − Or, it may not.

So I’ll just have to be on the lookout For whatever form it takes And hopefully recognize it when it comes If in fact it ever comes. *****

55

y Citizens Arise 7-9-2001 A fight against the media. _____ 1.

We can take back our TVs and our kids.

We can take back what they’ve stolen from us.

“Citizens arise!

Pick up your pitchforks and sharpen up their points.

Take back your TVs from those barons of the media.

Fight to rid them of all those base and stupid programs That now influence and even control So much of our children’s lives!”

2.

The media tells us That the shows they have Are the ones we want and have chosen.

But that’s a lie − We know it − and they know it too For in reality They haven’t given us any choice at all And rather have brainwashed us with their propaganda.

56

3.

They tell us, “Leave your kids alone.

Let them have their freedom and their choices.”

They feed us all this rhetoric Just to get us to drop our guards So they can easily steal them from our family rooms Right from under our noses And use them as they please.

4.

It’s their trick on us.

It’s their crafty plan.

5.

Their TVs, radios, magazines and songs − All tell us that everything they’re selling Is good for our kids But in reality there’s nothing good for them But our kids are now sadly hooked.

6.

But if we stand firm And are willing to bear the ridicule and embarrassment Of being called a zealot or a fanatic Against this media assault And believe that we’ll succeed Despite the criticism and skepticism we’ll have to face We will succeed and get them back!

We will persevere!

57

7.

And because of our steadfast perseverance Those who initially hesitated to join us in our fight Will eventually rise up and follow For they’ve just been waiting for a signaled start: For the herd to move − For that little momentum − For that wave to form − And once they sense it They’ll follow us en masse.

8.

In the end We’ll have gotten our TV sets returned to us Free of all the junk That had polluted them before − And most importantly We’ll have gotten our children back.

It will be then That we can sigh a sigh of great relief.

It will be then That we can cheer And be rightly proud of what we’ve done For we will have helped ensure That our precious children Now stand a better chance Of staying precious. *****

58

y Ghosts Are Possible 7-21-2001 I have an open mind about ghosts. _____ 1.

I don’t rightly know If ghosts are real or not.

And though I’m inclined to think they’re not I remain open to the possibility.

2.

We only have this simple brain And these weak and minor senses of ours As our crude and primitive instruments From which to figure from and to figure out What’s real and what is not − What’s physical and what’s spiritual − And about the unfathomable range of other things That lie between the bookends of our whole experience − Between the bookends of Life and Death And maybe the extended bookends Of Pre-Life and After-Life.

59

3.

We only have this simple brain of ours – This single star from which to navigate The millions of miles of open sea we’re in Which is hardly adequate To chart an accurate course To any given destination With any degree of confidence.

4.

Constrained by the limits of our being There are so many things we know little of: About our world About our Universe And about the possible other world − Of ghosts.

5.

Because we are so limited In what we have to reckon with And what we actually know and don’t know for sure I have to remain open to the prospect That even ghosts are possible. *****

60

y Looking For A Motto (My Battle Cry And Lullaby) 7-21-2001 Looking for an inspirational saying for daily living. _____ 1.

I’m searching for some type of motto − Some inspirational words That I can use in my daily life To bolster up my spirits When I need to.

2.

I’m searching for some words of wisdom − Some words of inspiration − Some words to give me the spirit and the strength To help me counter Any sorrow, worry or regret That may confront me.

3.

I’m searching for an inspirational saying That I can hold inside of me And draw on when I need to − One on which I could meditate or recite aloud − One that would help me make it through my days But more so through my nights.

61

4.

I’m searching for an inspirational phrase or motto That will last me all my life − Something that will serve the dual purpose Of repelling outside threats And quelling any insurgents from within.

5.

I’m searching for a simple inspirational Motto, proverb, saying or whatever That I can use As both my battle cry And my bedtime lullaby. *****

62

y I Refuse To Go To Heaven Without The Animals (Manila, Philippines) 8-15-2001 Our elitist thinking with respect to animals. _____ 1.

We used to think That we were the center of the Universe And that everything revolved around us But over time all that changed.

2.

It used to be insulting heresy To think that we evolved from the apes.

We thought we couldn’t ever be a part Of such a primitive process Or come from such a lowly origin.

But that all changed as well.

3.

But what hasn’t changed as yet Is our misguided belief That we are somehow extra-special In the eyes of God − That we alone are made In His image and His likeness.

That’s what we’re taught And that’s what we believe.

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4.

We’re also taught That the Kingdom of Heaven is ours And ours alone.

5.

But as for me I can’t believe we’re all that privileged And have such a favored link to God. I therefore lodge my protest Against such elitist, self-centered And aristocratic thinking.

6.

Rather, I believe That we and all the other animals Have more in common than we’d like to admit − That our fellow animals Have the same broad band of inalienable rights as we have.

I also believe − Based on both common sense and logic − That if we have souls Then they do too.

7.

So until man And his religions Recognize That the animals have souls too I refuse to go to Heaven Without the animals!

64

8.

But since this thinking Has little chance of changing It looks as though I won’t be going to Heaven Anytime soon. *****

65

y A Face Deformed (Korea) 8-16-2001 The daily humiliation she has to endure.

(Inspired by an experience in the airport in Seoul.) _____ 1.

Her face was horribly deformed And conspicuously stood out Against the sea of normal faces in the crowd.

2.

When I first saw her Tears welled up in my eyes − Enough perhaps for her to notice For our eyes briefly met.

3.

I cried inside For I could feel her pain As if it were my own − The pain I know she has to bear Every day of her life.

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4.

Ironically If she were crippled And unable to get around She’d be spared the tortures of public display − Or if she were blind She’d be saved from the stares she gets.

But unfortunately No such relief has been afforded her.

5.

Her face remains Heavy on my mind And more so Heavy on my heart.

6.

Oh god What bravery she must have to summon up Each and every day. *****

67

y Life Is In The Middle 8-30-2001 Life’s rewards come more from the journey than the destination. _____ 1.

Most think they’ll find the answers When they reach their destination − At journey’s end.

2.

But that’s not where the answers are For the destination Is just a fixed and solitary place – A single point in time − A sterile place in fact And completely out of context With the continuum of Life.

3.

The answers and rewards in Life Are not found at the destination But rather in the middle.

4.

Life is in the middle Somewhere between the start and the finish – On the road and in the journey And all along the way. *****

68

y A Second Chance 10-8-2001 Having to work doubly hard to make a decent showing. _____ 1.

Why won’t the sun give in And shine on me?

Why must I always have to settle For the dim and secondhand light of the moon?

2.

Why am I not so liked, respected, trusted, or believed in As much as others are?

Why can’t my personality deliver What I want it to?

Why can’t I make a decent first impression?

And if I do make one Why won’t it last?

3.

So I sit here In the quiet shadows of this night And write.

Writing is my second chance in life − My chance to make a second and better impression Than my personality did The first time around.

69

4.

Through my writings I have a second chance To present myself In a better light than I had in person − A second chance To better explain myself And make up for the first − A chance To set the record straight.

5.

Through my writings I have a second chance to leave behind In death What I couldn’t get across In life − To give Death A chance to do for me What Life Somehow couldn’t do. *****

70

y

Where My Failings Don’t Count So Much 10-19-2001 Looking for a place where things aren’t judged so harshly. _____ 1.

I’d like to live in a place Where my faults and failures Don’t count so much As here.

2.

For here The criticisms of my peers As well as those I put upon myself Are often so severe that I’m thinking that There has to be a better and more forgiving place Than here.

3.

Despite how tough I think I am Sticks and stones Do break my bones So I need to find A kinder and gentler place Than here.

71

4.

Dear Guardian Angel Put your arm around my shoulder And lead me to that other more forgiving place Where my faults and failures Don’t count so much As here. *****

72

y This War Has All But Beaten Me 10-19-2001 Except for the sake of his children. _____ 1.

This war has made everything so scarce And the people more ruthless than ever.

They’ve become slyer, smarter and crueler And so much more aggressive than me In obtaining all the things That my family and I need to survive.

2.

My children don’t eat as well as they did before.

And my fighting spirit And former skills and talents To eke out a decent living Have almost all been taken out of me.

3.

The memories of what I was And what I’ve lost And what I’ve been reduced to Taunt me as a thousand demons would And leave me with a latent death-wish To just end it all.

Oh how this ugly war has all but beaten me.

73

4.

But then I rally Against that desperate death-wish thought For I know that that would leave my children Alone and on their own And that, I could never do.

5.

But for them − But for the sake of my children − This ugly war Has all but beaten me. *****

74

y The First Note Of The Music 11-5-2001 The first note in a piece of music is the lead note. _____ 1.

The first note of a piece of music Is a special note.

It’s a first love And the first exciting touch Of a love affair.

2.

Music is my joy And the notes in every piece of music I play Have their own personas.

3.

But the first note is a special one As it sets the tone for the entire piece And requires a proper and respectful introduction That cannot be rushed.

4.

Therefore Before I strike that first note I sit in silence for a measured period of time Allowing it to get comfortable with me.

75

5.

It’s a time to make eye, mind and heart contact And get to know each other.

It’s the time build up trust between us Before we nod and say we’re ready To collaborate and play together.

6.

If I rush it It would be a sign of disrespect And I’d lose not only the cooperation of the first note But its endorsement of me to all the other notes.

7.

Losing the endorsement of the first note Would begin the piece on a sour note From which the other notes would all take their lead And the entire piece would go badly.

8.

It’s so important at the outset therefore To gain the trust and respect of that first note As the first impression is a lasting impression That will carry on through the whole performance.

9.

That little silence wait Also represents drama.

It’s a drum roll.

It’s a breath held.

It’s caution.

It’s excitement.

It’s musical foreplay.

76

10.

The first note in a piece of music Is a virgin note And the first exciting touch Of a love affair. *****

77

y My Imaginary Audience 11-21-2001 Playing the piano for my friends and enemies. _____ 1.

When I play the piano I often imagine That I have an audience − An audience of those Who never thought I could play.

2.

I also imagine The surprised look on their faces When they see me sit down at the piano − And an even greater surprised look When they actually hear me play.

3.

For the people I like I play to please them.

And for those I don’t like I play to show them up.

78

4.

So depending on the audience − Friend or foe − I’m playing either For them Or against them.

5.

For my friends I play for them and for their pleasure Knowing that they’ll appreciate it.

And for my enemies I play against them and for their consternation And to rub their noses in it.

6.

I won’t try to analyze The whys and wherefores of it all For it’s just a little Benign, harmless and imaginary game I play.

In fact, in many ways it’s quite constructive In that it not only adds a little theater to it all It also makes me practice more. *****

79

y My Paintings Are Kind Of Shy 1-27-2002 Two of my oil painting are quietly hanging in the house. _____ 1.

Two of my attempts at painting Are hanging on the 3rd floor of our home.

They were the ones I felt Were somewhat worth hanging − Not good enough for prominent display − But good enough for hanging At least somewhere in the house.

All the others Are hiding in the attic.

2.

You’ll never see these children twins of mine − At least not right away − For they’re very shy and self-conscious And prefer to keep themselves out of the limelight.

3.

Being the insecure and modest things they are They worry about their looks And how they’ll be received Should they ever be discovered.

80

4.

And so My two little paintings – My two little Shy, timid and apprehensive paintings − Will always prefer to keep themselves Discretely in the background And away from all conspicuous view. *****

81

y Waiting For My Destiny 2-22-2002 Feeling trapped by destiny. _____ 1.

Sometimes I feel That I can’t be any more than what I am.

I feel I’m caught in a trap And there’s nothing I can do to free myself.

2.

I feel I’m forced to watch Life Parade before me Taking cruel advantage Of my helplessness.

3.

It seems I can’t escape This mouse trap I’ve been caught in − The one that Life had set for me − And now am forced to helplessly watch Fate Slowly approach me like a stalking cat.

82

4.

It seems I have little choice in Life To control or change much of anything So I’m left to just let Destiny unfold by itself And take its natural and programmed course And not spend too much time and effort fighting it But rather Just watch the cat as it silently approaches. *****

83

y

Perhaps I’ve Done Enough Already 2-28-2002 You don’t have to do everything. _____ 1.

Although I’ve seen and done A lot of things in Life There are many things I haven’t seen or done But want to.

2.

But looking back to where I started And where I am right now I have to say that in my time I’ve seen and done a lot already And a lot more than many others have.

3.

So all things considered Perhaps there’s not much more I have to do To prove anything to myself Or to others.

4.

Perhaps I’ve done enough already. *****

84

y Which Is Better?

(Individual Versus Group Rights?)

3-3-2002 Exercising individual rights over others’ rights. _____ 1.

“They” criticize those who contain their feelings − Those who control themselves.

“They” also say that that’s repression And is not so healthy if you do.

2.

And likewise “They” defend the right of anyone and everyone To do anything and everything they want to Despite how much it might impose Upon the rights of others.

“They have their individual and personal rights!”, “They” say.

“They’re only expressing themselves”, “They” defend.

“We must understand them and yield to what they want”, “They” explain.

“We must yield to their inalienable rights as individuals”, “They” demand.

85

3.

But what about the rights that others have? − The rights that “they” presume That “they” can freely give away?

Do the loud have a right to their loudness But the quiet no right to some peace and quiet?

4.

So who should we criticize?

And who should we defend?

Those who think first and foremost of themselves?

Or those who think of others first?

5.

And what about that theory Of damage caused by repression? − It’s nonsense and so overdone.

It’s a myth And a downright dishonest ruse.

6.

Consideration and control is not repression It’s just plain courtesy, manners and respect − Plain and simple.

It’s just plain old common sense But it's just not the kind of common sense That a “they” understand − Until that is − It affects them, personally At which time You’ll see how quickly and conveniently “They” will modify their positions. ***** 86

y Am I Living For My Death?

3-4-2002 Some possible reasons for keeping my writings secret. _____ 1.

I write my music and my poems, Update my daily journals, And prepare my draft manuscripts For the books I plan to write.

Though it takes a huge amount of time And it’s kind of obvious as to what I’m doing I keep the contents of my work Pretty much a secret.

2.

I sometimes wonder why this is.

Is my keeping them a secret Due to modesty?

Or avoidance of possible criticism?

Am I deferring current judgment of my work To a future and safer time – To the time After I have passed away?

87

3.

I also sometimes wonder If all the work I’m doing on my personal projects Is just a keen and subliminal excuse To avoid living life? − Just a clever way of ducking life And evading its full engagement?

If so Am I therefore living for my death Rather than for life itself?

4.

Whatever are the answers to these questions Or their motivations My projects have some definitive benefits In that they keep me busy, Off the streets, And out of trouble. *****

88

y I Was On My Way 3-19-2002 The surprise was on him instead. _____ 1.

When I realized How much I loved you And that I never should have left I turned around And was on my way back home.

2.

I was finally ready To give you what you wanted, What you needed, And what you’d begged me for But that I couldn’t give you then.

3.

I didn’t tell you in advance That I was coming home As I wanted to surprise you.

But by the time I did get home You were already gone.

89

4.

And when I asked about you They told me That after so many years of waiting − And not knowing if I’d ever return − You’d finally given up on me.

5.

If only I had realized sooner How much I really loved you I never would have left.

And if only I had told you That I was coming home You might have waited.

6.

If only, if only − If only I hadn’t left.

If only I had told you That I was coming home.

7.

So as fate would have it − And all because I wanted to surprise you − The surprise was on me. *****

90

y Only Scales Apart 3-20-2002 Aliens wouldn’t see much difference among Earth’s creatures. ______ 1.

When viewed from a far enough distance away An apartment building appears to be Little different from a bee hive − Nothing more than a fabricated structure With a lot of living chambers Made by a lot little creatures For their habitat.

2.

Looking from afar Is there really any major difference Between chambers in a hive And rooms in an apartment house?

There isn’t.

Not fundamentally.

3.

Also Is there any fundamental difference Between the fact that bees fly in And people walk in?

Not really.

Not fundamentally.

91

4.

So, to the eyes of any aliens Who might be watching us Any differences between the two Would merely be technical differences And not fundamental differences at all.

5.

The same is true With respect to all the creatures Living here on earth − There’s no fundamental difference among us − From: Looks, to mobility, to metabolism From: Sex to social structures and whatever else.

We have all evolved along a common path In a common system And with common results And all ending up Not fundamentally different From one another.

6.

The insects, animals and we Are basically the same − More the same than different − And different Only as to size, form and sophistication − More or less the same And only scales apart. *****

92

y The Classics 3-25-2002 Better appreciating the classics now that I’m older. _____ 1.

Years ago when we were children My father bought a set of classic books:

By Homer, Epictetus, Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius and the like.

I remember vowing to myself, “Someday I’m gonna read those books.”

2.

With my father’s death And my being 40 years older That “someday” has arrived.

3.

After my Dad died His personal possessions Were divided up amongst the 5 of us With my brother Eric getting his book case That had that set of classic books in it.

93

4.

During all the years my father had them I never once asked him if I could borrow one to read.

But now, now that I am older I thirst for all the knowledge they contain And so whenever I’d see Eric I’d ask to borrow one or two of them. * * Subsequently Eric gave me that set which I really appreciated.

5.

Experience and age have given me A little more of this elusive and late-blooming thing Called wisdom.

And now, with its arrival I’m finally ready to take them on.

Now I’m better equipped to comprehend and appreciate The wisdom that’s in them − Now that 40 years have passed.

6.

I’ve also come to realize How many other classics I haven’t read but want to read In the years that are left to me.

7.

So now I read them all, voraciously As if I’m in a race with Death Which in many ways Is in fact the race I’m in. *****

94

y Learning To Fly 3-29-2002 Escaping Life’s problems. _____ 1.

When my worries get too much for me I close my eyes and imagine that I can fly.

2.

To escape my earth-bound worries I’ve taught myself to fly!

3.

My flights are never very high And I have to struggle To barely get off the ground.

They are also not for very long And only last about a minute or two.

But in both cases It’s just enough for me to get away And to qualify as flying.

95

4.

Someday I hope to improve my flying skills − Enough to free myself From all my earthly bonds And gracefully soar the heights of the sky With freedom and ease Whenever I want, As high as I want, And for as long as I want.

5.

Oh how happy and confident I would be Just knowing that no trouble of mine Could ever again Catch me on the ground.

6.

Someday I hope to able to live In a towering tree top Far and away From all my troubles on the ground And all because I’ve learned how to fly. *****

96

y She Had A Lovely Smile, She Did 4-25-2002 About a desperate soul I met on the train. _____ 1.

Coming home one night on the train A large black woman sat down next to me.

I couldn’t help but notice how softly and respectfully She spoke to her two young children who were with her And how lovingly they responded.

2.

I was working on my PC When she turned to me with a beautiful smile And asked me for some career advice − About a course she was taking to advance herself.

3.

“They” told her that if she took their course (An expensive course for her, I’m sure) That she’d be qualified for a management position.

Sadly though, she wasn’t, in my opinion Anywhere near management material.

4.

I felt so bad for her For I knew that she’d been scammed − Plain as day to me.

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5.

I felt bad for her as well Because she, like so many others Was very vulnerable, poor and desperate And willing to try anything to get ahead − Prime targets for the predators Who prey on desperate souls like her.

6.

I felt so bad for her And for all the victims just like her – But especially for her Because of the hope and ambition she had, Her sincere and beautiful smile, And her polite and lovely children. *****

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y Afraid To End My Life Like This 5-10-2002 A pessimistic view in a search for peace of mind. _____ 1.

I sometimes feel alone and isolated Worrying about so many things: About not getting a job because I just don’t mesh; About a world that’s not ideal enough for me; About people whom I’m so often discontented with; About my music that so many don’t appreciate; About my writings that few have any interest in; About a soul not strong enough to not believe in Hell; About a shortage of talent and self-confidence; About a face and personality that are not so endearing; About a world I do not rightly understand; And about a mind that half wants in and half wants out of life.

2.

So now, here in my latter years, I’m afraid to end my life like this Still not having found the peace of mind That I’ve always been looking for And with so many open questions And disquieting reflections. *****

99

y I Bring My Prey Back Home 10-24-2002 The prey for my poems. _____ 1.

When I’m hungry I go out and hunt for prey: Which can be an observation; An impression; A reaction; A memory; A hurt; A joy − Or whatever strikes a resonant chord in me.

These are the prey I hunt.

These are the sparks of inspiration From which I write.

2.

When I’ve secured enough prey I drag them home Watchfully guarding them Against other predators – The predators: Of memory loss, Distraction, And competing thoughts.

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3.

And when I get them home I make a satisfying meal of them By writing a poem or two.

4.

For a while I’m filled and satisfied But in time I get hungry again And another hunt begins. *****

101

y

They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty 10-25-2002 I’ll always be working on something. _____ 1.

With every book I read I come across a name or quote of someone Whose works I’d like to read sometime − Of some philosopher, writer, statesman, thinker, poet Or whomever − Like Espinoza, Erasmus, Sir Thomas Moore, Plato, Aristotle, Cicero or Sir Francis Bacon.

One book or name leads to another.

2.

Rather than being frustrated Over the ever-growing list of books I’d like to read I’m exhilarated and say to myself, “Look at all the books that I can read And that’ll keep me busy Throughout my final days.”

3.

It’s the same as with my list of projects That’s also constantly expanding In number, scope, and complexity For they too will keep me busy For the rest of my life.

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4.

So with so many things already in progress And a constant stream Of new things being added on My tank is always being topped off So that when I die They’ll never find my tank On “Empty”! *****

103

y Just To Have Decided 11-16-2002 The pure relief of making a decision. _____ 1.

I’m so indecisive That decision making Has always been extremely hard for me.

I decide − then I undecide.

Back and forth I go Always collecting more and more information That I then have to deal with and evaluate Before making a decision.

2.

I have to weigh all the factors Multiple times and in multiple ways and combinations Each one of which Takes time and energy And builds up a lot of pressure in me.

3.

And when I finally do decide It’s always at the 11th hour − At the last possible moment − When I’m in extremis And or at the brink.

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4.

But once I have decided The overbearing pressure of indecision Is instantly relieved And I can finally move ahead In some definitive direction Instead of turning around and around In pressure-building and dizzying circles.

5.

Oh what a relief it is for me Just to have decided.

6.

And whether my decision Is good or bad Or right or wrong Is of relatively little importance Compared to the relief I get From the simple fact Of having finally Decided! *****

105

y Please Keep Me Off This Ledge 11-20-2002 Seeking to be counseled away from suicide. _____ 1.

Here I am standing on this ledge Screwing up my courage to jump − Waiting for the next and final wave of despondency To sweep over me − Waiting for my tipping point to be reached.

2.

Oh Reason and Compassion Grab me by the back of the neck And force me to look down and over the edge So that I can see Just how long, far and final that drop really is Which then might scare me into changing my mind And climbing back through that window That’s still open for me.

3.

Oh Mercy Keep your hand on my shoulder And check my impulse and temptation To end it all.

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4.

The blood is pounding in my head As I question myself, “Is this the last I’ll ever see of anything?”

5.

Please god Turn my head in a new direction.

Turn it up instead of down.

And please dear god Give my poor heart Just a little whiff of hope − Just enough to keep me off this ledge That I sometimes find myself on. *****

107

y This Will Be My Future (A Surreal Thing) 2-3-2003 A surreal experience.

(Written while walking to my car at the Riverside CT train station.) _____ 1.

I stepped off the train platform And into the air. ~ I could see a bell ringing But couldn’t hear its sound. ~ The ground cracked open between my legs And moved in opposite directions. ~ I walked with animals Who weren’t afraid of me − Nor I of them. ~ Someone was talking to me But I didn’t know who. ~ The end that used to be ahead of me Was now behind me. ~ I couldn’t see anything But yet, I saw everything. ~

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2.

I saw the future But for some reason it had already past. ~ I was hungry But I didn’t feel like eating. ~ I was happy But then, why was I crying? ~ 3.

Who was I and where was I? And what was this world I was in?

4.

There was a ceiling but no floor So what was it that I was walking on? ~ I was awake But felt like I was dreaming. ~ I remembered everything But couldn’t recall a thing. ~ 5.

I’d extended my hand And marveled at the simplicity And the beauty of its shape. ~ I also saw the entire world As a tiny blue and white marble Resting in the palm of my hand. ~

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6.

I was told That this would be my future From now on But also, that my future Would actually be my past.

7.

I was told That this was the way That things would be for me From now on But I can’t recall who told me that And whether I should believe it or not. *****

110

y Take Me Away 3-4-2003 My worries are absorbed into the massive Universe. _____ 1.

I look out the window And into the sky.

I look past the Sun and past our solar system − Past a million galaxies And then beyond a million more And as far as Time can take me.

2.

I transport myself Far into the vast and endless Universe And out of reach of this insignificant world of ours.

3.

I raise my head and fill my lungs With sweet refreshing air Thankful for the Universe beyond.

4.

Just thinking about the vastness of the Universe Is my single best distraction and relief From the stresses of the world – Both the world around me And within me.

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5.

Just thinking about This massive Universe of ours Takes away my tensions And makes all my earthly worries Look smaller – And less pressing. *****

112

y Kidnapped By The Cell Phone!

3-6-2003 The blessing and curse of cell phones. _____ 1.

I’m walking down the street and hear someone say, “What do you think about that!?

I turn, intending to respond But the question’s not for me.

It’s rather, just someone on her cell phone!

2.

I’m on the train and hear someone ask, “What do you want for dinner − A mushroom or a meatball pizza?”

After a long pause I scream inside myself “Come on! Come on!

Which one do you want!

You’ve sucked me into your conversation And now I’m dying to know!”

113

3.

I’m in the car And someone in the back seat yells out, “There’s no way I’m ever gonna do that."

“Do what!? Do what!?”, I say, all excited!

Opps! They got me again As he was only talking on his cell phone!

You see, with the cell phone You only get half the conversation!

4.

My thoughts are always being interrupted And my attention distracted By other people’s open cell phone conversations.

I’m always being kidnapped into their homes and offices And forced to meet their friends and relatives.

I’m always being high-jacked And helpless to resist.

5.

And another thing about cell phones Is that there’s hardly any eye contact anymore.

Everyone is either staring blankly into space as they talk Or staring intensely into their phones Virtually ignoring me and everyone else around them Which I can’t say That I’m not just a little offended by.

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6.

And as they walk and talk They drift across my path, Slow their pace, Or even suddenly stop sometimes, Forcing me to swerve to prevent a near-collision And all because they’re somewhere else – In another world − All because I don’t even exist to them − All because they’re on their cell phones And way out there somewhere In cyber space.

7.

Cell phones − A new and personal – Yet very impersonal − Form of individual rights And often at the expense of, and courtesy for, Other people’s rights to their privacy, peace and quiet.

In many ways They’re cyber weapons Of mass interruption and mass disruption.

8.

Cell phones − They’re also status symbols Where their users Like to draw a lot of attention to themselves Even to the point sometimes Where they think and act As if they’re celebrities.

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9.

Cell phones − They excite in me An entire range of mixed emotions − Both good and bad.

10.

Cell phones − They’re both a blessing And a curse. *****

116

y Looking In 3-28-2003 An envious outsider metaphorically looking in. _____ 1.

As I passed by a window I noticed a lovely family In their living room.

2.

Everything seemed so peaceful There on the inside With soft lights Warming every corner of the room.

3.

But on the outside Where I am It’s very cold And my ears are filled With the howling wind With gusts so strong That I can hardly keep my balance.

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4.

My coat is flapping wildly And an icy rain Is dripping down The back of my neck.

5.

I’m on the outside looking in – Looking into A vastly different world from mine.

6.

It’s then that Envy Takes me by the arm And has a little talk with me. *****

118

y Reality And Fantasy (Las Vegas) 4-19-2003 We often need a little fantasy to offset reality. _____ 1.

Reality: I have three meals a day of you − Three meals of tasteless gruel Every single day − Morning, noon and night.

2.

Fantasy: You are the spice That helps my tasteless meals go down; My sweet after dinner drink; That romantic whisper in my ear; That feather-kiss upon my cheek; My lover in the night; And my antidote to Reality.

119

3.

Oh, Reality: I know you are the reigning King And that I’ll have to bow to you For most of my life.

But, Fantasy: You are my surrogate King Who makes our sovereign King’s tyrannical rule So much more bearable.

4.

So Fantasy: I hereby give you A standing invitation To come and visit the palace Whenever the real King’s not around − Or is looking the other way − And to assume the throne As my acting and benevolent King For as long as you can. *****

120

y

We’re Not Trained For Life 9-2-2003 We should be better trained for death. _____ 1.

We spend so much time in utter fear And go to extraordinary efforts To save the last: one, two, three years of our lives.

2.

And all that desperation comes about Just because we’ve never been trained To simply accept our death As a natural part of life.

3.

All our religions, professions, laws and institutions Are falsely premised On hating and battling against This supposed Bogeyman called Death.

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4.

Our laws say we cannot end our lives Nor help another to end his.

And our doctors are required To employ every effort to save our lives Regardless of the cost, hopelessness and pain That we’ll have to suffer.

And our religions brand us with a mortal sin And damn us to Hell.

5.

And because 70% or more of all our health costs are spent During the last years of our lives − Even when there’s no chance of recovery − Those who have a chance for a lengthy, healthy life Can’t obtain affordable insurance Because so much is spent on saving the unsavable.

6.

Our laws, culture, professions and religions All work against a peaceful life and a noble passing.

It almost seems as though They want to make us suffer.

It almost seems as though They want to strip us of our dignity In the last years of our lives When a dignified death Is the only thing Life has left to offer us.

122

7.

Everything is steeped in deep denial And locked in ignorance and cowardice.

Isn’t there anyone Who’s brave enough to show his courage?

Who will take a stand against the status quo?

Who will fight the system for our civil rights?

Who will exercise plain old common sense?

8.

All this complication and confusion Is just because we’ve failed to train ourselves To understand and accept what dying really is − That it’s just a natural and integral part of life − And just the final phase of living.

9.

So, by not being trained for Death We’re not really trained for Life. *****

123

y That Tiny Other World (Only Scales Apart) 11-2-2003 A world just like ours. _____ 1.

While I was on my hands and knees Pulling up weeds I noticed – As if for the first time − Another world − A tiny other world − Living in the lawn.

2.

I saw: A spider’s silken thread Being stretched between two blades of grass; A little cricket Hopping on its way; A slug, smaller than I’d ever seen Slithering across a rock; A little ant Working hard at dragging some food back to its nest; A little seed Straining to break the surface aiming for the sun; And twenty living roots for every clump of grass Knotted in the soil.

124

3.

On and on it went − In that tiny other world That is just as complex and structurally organized As the larger one that we live in − Virtually the same Just on a different scale − Only scales apart.

4.

There are worlds within worlds.

Within our macro world There are a billion micro worlds Each one of which Is a mirrored image of the structure Of the macro world.

5.

So as I’m pulling up my weeds I’m in another world – A world within a world – A world almost identical to mine – Only smaller – And only scales apart. *****

125

y They Should Have Stayed Just Where They Were (On Motivational Speakers) 11-21-2003 Leading the desperate into failure. _____ 1.

They hype you up – These motivators − And make you think that you can be Something so much more than what you are.

They tell you, “Go for it!”

“Take that step!”

“Take the chance!”

“Change your life!”

“You can do it!”

“It’s your road to independence!”

“It’s your road to freedom!”

“It’s your road to financial success!”

“You owe it to yourself!”

Blah, blah, blah!

2.

But what they’re really saying is: “I love the power that I have Of getting people to follow me.”

126

3.

So many weak and despondent souls Are easily swayed to follow others And are the same hopeless dreamers Who believe in lotteries, fantasies and miracles.

4.

They’re desperate to believe That all their years of disappointing failures Can be reversed in one felt swoop.

They’re the wishful thinkers Who think that they can become Someone other than what they are.

They’re the raw recruits who are ready to ride For any touted and trumped up cause.

5.

All drunk on hype and dreams of glory They mount their horses, Sit tall and straight in their saddles And hold fast their sharpened swords and shiny shields With the motivator’s words Ringing in their ears and pumping up their blood.

“What have we got to lose?”, they say.

6.

So off they go into the night Fighting unknown enemies And braving swampy waters And pitch-black forests From where most Will never return.

127

7.

The motivators lie Both to their would-be followers And to themselves: “We’re motivating them.”

“We’re giving them hope.”

“We’re providing them with opportunity” But in reality they’re only fooling them And using them for financial gain And their own egotistical purposes.

8.

Sadly, they’ll make martyrs out of them And take no responsibility for their actions.

Rather, they’ll shift the blame Completely on the followers themselves: “It’s not my fault that they failed.”

“They just didn’t have enough self-discipline.”

“They just didn’t follow the program Exactly as they should have.”

“They just didn’t have it in them.”

“They just didn’t have what it takes.”

Blah, blah, blah!

9.

Oh those poor and desperate followers − Those mice who always follow Pan right out of town.

Oh those poor and desperate followers Who would have all been better off If they had just stayed where they were And where they probably always belonged. *****

128

y But Here I Am The Undisputed King 5-4-2004 The undisputed King by default. _____ 1.

I love science, music, and philosophy And other serious subjects.

But few love what I love At least not to the degree or type as I Which makes me sometimes feel Somewhat alone and isolated.

2.

I often feel like I’m on an island somewhere Or in a strange and completely different land; Or like I’m wandering in a desert Making empty footprints in the sand That vanish behind me with the next gust of wind; Or like I’m trying to out-yell the wind Or out-stare the sun; Or like I’m the “Ancient Mariner” * Trying to tell a story that no one really wants to hear. * Referring to the poem, “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”

by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

129

3.

All is not completely dismal though As there is a compensating benefit: For while on the one hand I’m all alone in this lonely land of mine On the other hand By default I am its sole and undisputed King. *****

130

y Being In Control 6-29-2004 For variety and control. _____ 1.

I’d like to know that I can do things − Little things − Not because I have to But because I want to and I can.

2.

Simple things like: Switching my watch from my left wrist to my right, Getting up on the other side of the bed, Giving up coffee and wine for a little while, Going on a diet − And all for the purpose of variety And the satisfying feeling Of being in control.

3.

Like: Sometimes using my left hand to write, Taking an unfamiliar route, Reading a book I normally wouldn’t read, Looking at problems and seeing them was “challengers”,* And seeing simple things as miracles of life. * From the book “A Road Less Traveled”, by M. Scott Pesh, M.D.

131

4.

While I’ve done such things as these On a number of occasions I’ve never done them With any kind of discipline Or any measured regularity. *****

132

y All The Heaven That I Know 7-25-2004 About love and lovers. _____ 1.

Place your hand in mine And look into my eyes.

2.

Press your body next to mine So I can hear your heart In pace with mine.

3.

Put your breath upon my ear And your lips upon my cheek.

4.

Put your tongue inside my mouth And take me back to the heaven That I used to know with you When love was all so new And forever young. *****

133

y

Don’t You Think I Wish That Things Were Better?

9-17-2004 An imperfect world with little chance of changing it. _____ 1.

I’m not content with the way things are But there’s little I can do about it.

2.

I’ve looked for ways to change things But it’s not that easy And there’s only just so much That one can do.

3.

If it’s any comfort to you You should know that in many ways I’m a helpless victim Just like you.

4.

So try to be a little more understanding And not so hard on me For don’t you think I wish – Just like you − That things were better too? *****

134

y We Sit Next To Death The Whole Train Ride 10-12-2004 Death is a regular passenger. _____ 1.

Each day another person boards the Train.

Everyone has a reservation Including the one reserved for Death Who will dutifully ride that Train To the end of the line.

2.

During each and every trip Death speaks to a few selected passengers: To the unlucky and the weak, To the careless and the reckless, To the old and sick, And to the blessed and the damned.

Sooner or later Death speaks to everyone.

135

3.

Death carefully chooses who it sits beside And who it speaks to And if it chooses you There’s nothing you can do about it.

You can’t get up and change your seat As it’s against the rules − And besides There are no seats That are unreserved.

4.

And when Death turns to you And tells you That it’s your stop You’ll have to leave the Train Just like all the others have Before you.

5.

Death speaks to each and every one of us One by one − Always making room For new arrivals. *****

136

y Somewhere In Between 10-20-2004 A divided existence. _____ 1.

There’s a good world And there’s an evil world And I live in neither one of them Exclusively.

2.

I sometimes live in one And sometimes in the other.

I have dual citizenship And freely travel back and forth between the two.

My loyalties are evenly divided Somewhere in between the two.

3.

I’m often caught in the middle And caught confused; ~ With one foot here And the other one foot there; ~ With one foot on the ground And the other one in the air; ~

137

Walking on the left side Then on the right; ~ But on average Somewhere in between.

4.

I’m a man without a country Or a home; ~ A man who’s on a journey But always only half way there; ~ On a ship far out at sea In the middle of the ocean; ~ Friends with God But also with the Devil.

5.

It seems to me that I’m a man Who’s always Somewhere in between. *****

138

y

If I Didn’t Have My Pains (I Might Never Write) 11-9-2004 The source of inspiration for my writing. ______ 1.

If I didn’t have my hurts and discontentments − If I didn’t have my worries, moods and doubts − I might never write a single line of poetry For they’re so often the sources of my inspiration.

2.

They are: The sparks that set the fires, The agitators that provoke reactions, The noises that keep me up at night, The questions that beg for answers, The moon that makes me howl at night, The wanderlust that keeps me moving, The muses that frame my words, And the spirits that give my poems their meaning.

3.

If I didn’t have my hurts and discontentments – If I didn’t have my worries, moods and my doubts − If I were perfectly content with everything − I might never write at all. *****

139

y

Don’t Classify Me So Conveniently 11-9-2004 Appearances don’t tell the whole story. _____ 1.

My angry outbursts Provide a good excuse To classify me And my personality In an easy and convenient way.

2.

Be careful though − Don’t jump to any rash conclusions Based solely on the obvious.

Look a little deeper And you may find A raft of mitigating circumstances.

Please don’t classify me So quickly and conveniently.

3.

Don’t also make any rash assumptions About the pained expression on my face For it’s been etched there From the inside out And more from hurting Than anything malicious or intentional.

140

4.

When you visit Hell You can’t help But bring some of it back with you.

5.

Don’t classify me So quickly or conveniently For there’s much more to it Than meets the eye. *****

141

y Don Quixote 2-9-2005 I press on perhaps like some Don Quixote.

(A character from novel “The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha� by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra.) _____ 1.

Am I fighting windmills like Don Quixote did?

Am I entertaining phantoms in my head?

Is anything I do of any substance?

Is there any value to my writings or my music?

Do they show any promise to the world Who will be their ultimate judge?

Or will they only be the fruit That will never ripen enough to eat?

2.

No matter what their value They keep me forward-focused And help me carve some purpose out of life.

3.

Even though the value of my work May be meaningless to the world And only relevant to me It keeps me always trying To make that elusive little mark in life.

142

4.

It’s better that I fight my windmills Like Don Quixote did Than do nothing.

5.

Despite these nagging And often painful questions I must press on As was written in a very famous poem (And I paraphrase): ~ “’tis better to have tried and lost Than never to have tried at all.” * ~ * Paraphrased from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s 1850 poem In Memoriam (which was a favorite of Queen Victoria).

6.

So dear God Please help me in my quest And look down in favor and in sympathy On another Don Quixote. *****

143

y Out Of Quantity, Some Quality 2-9-2005 Hoping for some residual quality. ______ 1.

I remember when I was a kid I had a little notebook That I used to fill up with small designs − Simple, repetitious ones That were all neat and symmetrical.

2.

As I recall My main goal Was to fill up my book So that I’d have some kind end product To show as an achievement.

I felt the more I did The more I’d have to show for myself.

144

3.

In a way I focused more on quantity Than on quality.

It was more about producing as much as possible So as to give myself a greater sense of accomplishment And better prove my worth To both myself and to others.

I felt the more designs I made The greater my chances were For some good ones to evolve.

I felt that out of quantity Would come some quality.

4.

Even today I still have more or less The same internal pressure To produce something to show for myself.

While my methods and their products May have changed I suspect my reasons and motives May have remained pretty much the same.

5.

A miner hopes That from the thousand pans of sand He sluices by the river He’ll find a nugget or two of gold − Gold enough to validate his effort and his worth − Gold enough to validate his stake.

145

6.

And so it is with me In that from the thousand poems I write I hope I’ll be able to sluice A decent poem or two That will justify my time and effort And be enough To make a decent showing for myself.

7.

And so I go on filling up my books Just like I did when I was a kid Hoping that out of all that quantity They’ll come a little bit of quality− A decent poem or two That I’ll be proud of And that someone else might like. *****

146

y Ready For Success Or Failure 2-19-2005 Hedging my bets and expectations. ______ 1.

So much of my free time Is spent working On my music and my writings.

2.

I do it because It means a lot to me And to my self-worth.

I do it also Because I believe in them And have hope that possibly Some of them may even get published.

3.

But I also realize That might not happen And no recognition may ever come to them And therefore have prepared myself For that possibility too.

147

4.

So, with this kind of preparation I’m ready for either Success or failure – One or the other − Either or – Either way. *****

148

y Practicing To Rebuild And Apologize 2-27-2005 Looking for a way to restore a relationship. _____ 1.

I’m trying to undo All the damage that I’ve done.

2.

I’m hoping that they find it in their hearts To forgive me.

3.

I’m searching for a ray of light In the darkest of all forests − my soul.

4.

I’m looking for the path I lost That’s now all overgrown.

5.

What kind of retribution must I make To be forgiven and taken back?

6.

Am I hoping to undo things That can’t be undone?

149

7.

Am I trying to accomplish Something that’s impossible to achieve?

8.

Am I trying to reverse The irreversible?

9.

Am I tying yellow ribbons on trees For nothing?

10.

Am I looking for a light on the porch That’s long been turned off?

11.

Perhaps I am But nevertheless I’ll keep on trying − Trying anything to be taken back − Up to and including The impossible. *****

150

y

What’s The Harm In It? 3-17-2005 Fantasy offsetting reality. ______ 1.

Please don’t criticize my complacency For being just a follower And not pushing hard enough in life.

I’ve made my choice and decided That it’s just too much work and stress To be a leader And besides I find that pushing Often doesn’t get you that much further Than just by going with the flow.

2.

Please don’t try to correct my fantasy way of thinking That life will work out fine No matter how hard you push or don’t push.

Please don’t think you’re doing me a favor By showing me the error of my ways.

Please don’t bust my bubble With your pins of reality For I’ve had enough of reality To last me a lifetime.

151

3.

Please let me keep this witless look On my face.

Please let me keep my precious ignorance For in many ways Ignorance is bliss.

4.

And also Please don’t pity me But rather You might even envy me For I may be in fact The smartest and happiest of the two of us.

5.

So let me stare contentedly off into space.

Don’t snap your fingers and break my trance For whatever little benefit, gain or reward You might think will come from that.

6.

So please indulge me and my little fantasy For I do believe, as I said before, You sometimes don’t get any further By pushing Than you do By just going with the flow.

So please indulge me – And besides − What’s the harm in it? *****

152

y I Only Fix The Walls 4-4-2005 On domestic violence from a repairman’s perspective. _____ 1.

“Patch up a little hole in the wall?

Sure, I’ll be over in a little while.” ~ “A broken cabinet door?

OK, that won’t take me long to fix.” ~ “A door pulled off its hinges?

OK, I’ll be over later on today.” ~ “A broken window?

OK, how about I come around next Tuesday?” ~ “A broken chair leg?

No problem, I’ll glue it back tomorrow afternoon.” ~ “A shelf came off the wall?

OK, let me check my schedule.” ~ “Another hole in the wall?

OK, I can be there on Saturday If that’ll work for you.”

153

2.

With each call I get and repair I make I shed a tear for the wife and kids Who have to suffer through The violent domestic origins Of all the work I’m called to do. *****

154

y Hang On To The Hanger-On (Iloilo, Philippines) 7-6-2005 She should realize the prize she has in him. _____ 1.

I’m not the one you should be clinging to.

I’m not the one who cares for you that much.

I’m not the one that you should be pining about.

Rather, I’m the one who’ll up and leave you someday And break your heart in two.

2.

I’m not the one who’ll take the time to listen Or to worry about your heart Nor the one who’ll hold you as you cry.

Rather, I’m the one who’ll just put you out When I’m done with you.

3.

I’m not the one you should be hanging on to Rather You should be hanging on To the “hanger-on” Who’s hanging on to you.

155

4.

Hang on to the one who forgives you Every time you hurt him And who hurts Whenever you hurt.

Hang on to the one who’s always there for you.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Before he gets away on you.

5.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Because while you’re hanging on to me The one who’s hanging on to you Might lose his grip.

6.

So please Take my advice Don’t hang on to me.

Rather Hang on to the one who loves you true.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Who’s hanging on to you. *****

156

y The Desperate Will Always Come Back Home (Philippines) 7-6-2005 There’s no place like home. _____ 1.

No matter how callous they are Or how vicious their crimes; No matter how much They might have hated their lives at home And vowed never to return; No matter how dangerous it is for them to come home They’ll still come home For “home” is “home.”

2.

When there’s nowhere else to go And all hope has been exhausted The desperate, lonely and the lost Will always look to home And to their beginnings.

157

3.

Just as turtles Will return to the beach where they were born And salmon To the place where they were spawned We’ll always wind up coming home.

It’s the inexplicable law and drive of nature − Inbred and programmed in all us creatures of the world Over millions and millions of years − The drive, the need, the desire To come back home.

4.

It doesn’t matter how impractical or illogical it is To come back home and to your origins − Even if it means traveling half your life And half way around the world − For logic is no match Against instinct.

5.

So, bounty hunters and police You needn’t organize Such massive and elaborate manhunts To track down your criminals Just simply wait for them at home For even the most desperate of outlaws Can’t resist the urge to come back home Even if it means their certain capture.

In fact The more desperate they are The more driven they’ll be To come back home.

158

6.

It’s counterintuitive And makes no sense But it’s instinctive And therefore Makes perfect sense.

7.

The desperate Will always come back home For logic is no match Against instinct. *****

159

y

It’s Not Often You Meet Someone (To Bich-Thuy) 4-21-1968 The profound emotional effect Thuy had on me. _____ 1.

It’s not often you meet someone Who can touch you to your very core And who, with one thought of her Can take your breath away, Confound your mind, And almost stop your heart.

2.

It’s not often you meet someone Who can bring you to the height of joy And just as fast to tears of sorrow.

3.

It’s not often two souls can find a love That fills so well each other’s emptiness And wipes out all their hurting memories Of how it used to be alone.

4.

It’s not often you meet someone Who can fill your heart with love And then quickly drain it empty.

160

5.

Never have more precious years Of both love and sorrow Been so deep and delicately Shared by two. *****

161

y Sleeping On The Side Of The Road (On Stella) 7-5-1969 We couldn’t find a room in Kent Falls, CT. _____ 1.

All was quiet Except for the thunder Of the nearby falls.

The thick summer leaves Made the woods dark and heavy And every sound that night Was baffled and muted down by them.

And when it rained Everything got heavier and more lush.

Then a fog appeared And moved along the ground As silent as a cat.

2.

We couldn’t find a place to stay that night So we slept in the car on the side of the road Listening to the rain pelting on metal roof.

Especially loud were the larger drops That had collected themselves on the summer leaves And randomly fell with their distinctive signature sounds.

162

3.

Then in the morning The sky had cleared And the sun came up just for us it seemed.

We had seen all of yesterday And all of the night just past.

And now we saw The start of brand new day.

We had seen all of it Together.

4.

Though I wish we could have slept In a soft and fragrant bed that night I was satisfied with the way that destiny Had crafted things for us For it was different And special And we experienced it Together. *****

163

y How Many Times?

(On Retirement) 5-21-2013 Some questions about retirement. _____ 1.

How many times can I check the weather?

How many times can I tune in to catch the breaking news?

How many times can I look for the mail’s arrival Knowing that it’ll all be junk mail?

2.

How many times can I watch the reruns on TV? How many times can I get up and stretch my legs?

How many times can I recite my aches and pains?

How long can I look out the window And watch the clouds change their shape?

3.

How many times can I wish That something exciting would happen today?

How many times can I hope The day would pass a little faster?

164

4.

How many times can I go for a walk?

How many crossword puzzles can I do?

How many times will I forget what I’m doing Because I got lost in the past?

5.

How many times can I wish the kids would call And ask how we’re doing?

And how many times can I wonder How they’re doing And if they’re safe and sound?

6.

Will this be the way it’ll be All during my retirement? − Asking all these questions That have no answers − Or maybe that have answers But that I’m just afraid to hear? *****

165

y No One Knows 6-20-2013 Someone’s hidden pain. _____ 1.

No one sees my tears.

No one hears my heart pounding.

No one knows that I have a thorn in my paw Until they see me limping.

2.

I’m a proud and private person And try to keep things To myself.

3.

No one knows How much I love you.

And no one knows How much pain I’m suffering From missing you Until they see the knife in my heart. *****

166

y Touchstones 6-21-2013 The need for support and protection. _____ 1.

I look for touchstones to touch And touch everyone I can To keep my worries, moods And my emotions grounded.

2.

Touchstones are the things That help me keep My equilibrium and perspective.

3.

Touchstones are the things That help me reinforce my beliefs.

4.

Touchstones are the things That keep me balanced and grounded And sometimes help protect me from myself. *****

167

y Still Not Enough 6-21-2013 Just not enough love he guessed. _____ 1.

He tried to love her with all he had.

But it apparently wasn’t enough For it didn’t feel The way he’d heard about How love should feel.

2.

So he tried to identify What might be missing And work on it.

3.

He tried everything he could But it still wasn’t enough.

4.

So many tries − So close − But it still wasn’t enough − Still not enough love. *****

168

y Resculpturing The Past 7-29-2013 An innocent effort or more than that? _____ 1.

My mind is constantly drifting off into the past Where I often find myself Trying to reshape history Into the way I want to remember it.

2.

I'm trying to resculpture its events Into what I wish they were If I had a second chance.

3.

Is it just a little editing of history? − A little embellishment of the truth? − A little mitigation to take the rough edges off things?

4.

Is it just a little white-lie fantasy I’m dealing with?

Or an outright and dangerous fraud? *****

169

y The Best For Her Will Be The Best For Me 8-11-2013 Doing the right thing. _____ 1.

Should I try to do as much as I can with her While she’s still alive?

Will that create the memories That will soothe the pain of her loss When she passes away?

Or will it just accentuate it And make it even worse?

What will be the best for me?

2.

Instead of thinking What will be the best for me When she’s gone I should just do What’s best and right for her While she’s here As that will prove to be the best For the both of us. *****

170

y If Only I Could Have Proofread My Life 8-19-2013 Wishing I could edit history. _____ 1.

Sometime after I died I read the story of my life And didn’t like what I read.

2.

There were so many Mistakes and errors in judgment in my story; So many miscalculations; So many stupid and embarrassing things; So many flawed decisions; And so many things that should have been done But weren’t And so many things that shouldn’t have been done But were.

3.

Oh if only I could have anticipated How the story of my life would have read I would have done a lot of things differently − Before the fact − Before I died − So it would have been a more flattering story.

171

4.

And alternatively If only I could have had the opportunity To have proofread my story After the fact − After I died − But before it went final − I would have edited out some of the bad parts And made it into a better reading script.

5.

Oh if only I had these two opportunities − Either before or after the fact − I’d be resting much easier in my grave. *****

172

y It Could Go Either Way 8-19-2013 Your trials can either make you or break you. _____ 1.

You can break good?

Or can you break bad?

2.

After passing through your darkest hours You can come out of them Stronger Or you can come out of them Weaker.

It will all depend On so many factors That could break either way.

3.

So be very cautious About making any premature predictions For things could go either way. *****

173

y

Waiting For The Final “Next” 8-21-2013 Waiting in the afterlife too? _____ 1.

In my life There have been an infinite number of “Nexts”: Next, for a haircut; Next, for a driver’s license; Next, for the doctor; Next for this; And next for that.

2.

But with so many nexts behind me I now find I’m waiting for that final “Next” − When I’ll be called to go.

3.

But while I’m waiting for that final “Next” − I have to wonder if after its arrival There’ll be an afterlife With just a whole other series of “Nexts” Waiting for me? *****

174

y I Tried Everything But Love 8-25-2013 Trying every selfish thing. _____ 1.

I tried everything That would expand my experience And my knowledge 2.

I tried everything To improve myself And give me greater fulfillment.

3.

I also tried every woman To see if she’d be compatible with me And give me what I needed.

4.

I tried everything That would get me the things I wanted And that would be best for me.

5.

I tried everything But I couldn’t find What or who I was looking for.

175

6.

I tried everything That would be good for me But never anything That would be good For someone else.

7.

I tried everything But never anything That would be best for love.

I tried everything But love. *****

176

y An Elbow In The Face Or A Finger In The Eye 9-1-2013 A rude and hurtful awakening. _____ 1.

Oh how we delude ourselves And tell ourselves fairy tales That, like children, we so readily believe.

2.

“Ignorance is bliss” And “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.”

These are our mottos − Until that is We get an elbow in the face Or a finger in the eye.

3.

That’s when we’re shocked Into understanding The extent of our delusions And how much they really hurt. *****

177

y

Life Goes Fast When You’re Looking Back 9-4-2013 It’s all a matter of perspective. _____ 1.

When you’re young And looking forward Life seems to have no end.

2.

But when you’re in your elder years And looking back at all the years gone by Life seems so short Making you wonder how could it be That so many years had gotten past you When you weren’t looking.

3.

It’s all a matter of Your vantage point.

It’s all a matter of Where you are on your timeline.

It’s all a matter of perspective Isn’t it? *****

178

y

Beggars Can’t Be Choosey 8-6-2011 Sex drive and aging. _____ 1.

My sex drive’s great and as strong as ever It’s just that now at my age It’s not located where it used to be.

2.

Years ago my sex drive used to be situated below my belt But today it’s moved up and into my mind So you could say − so to speak − That it’s moved from one head to another.

3.

With age, most everything has moved downward And all from the gradual effects of gravity: My skin now sags on my face, My belly droops over my belt, My muscles hang off my bones, And my pectoral muscles have slid down lower on my chest, But with respect to my sex drive It has actually defied gravity And moved upward and into my mind.

179

4.

At my age I’ve taken my running shoes off And put my slippers on; And I’ve exchanged my physical activities For a lot sedentary sitting on the coach.

So with that being said I guess it’s not all that surprising That that’s how I’d find my sex drive − Just sedentary and not getting much physical exercise.

5.

Oh I know that my sex life’s not the same as it used to be But with a little hand and mind coordination In many respects I can get pretty close to the real thing And with a lot less work and mess.

6.

All in all I shouldn’t complain but rather be grateful That at my age I have a sex life at all And should thank god for small favors Understanding and appreciating that “Beggars can’t be choosey.” *****

180

y Showing Off The Life You Ruined (Philippines) 7-7-2005 Brandishing a trophy scalp. _____ 1.

To have my plans ruined, My heart broken, My dreams frustrated, And my memories soured − These were the knives you put in me.

2.

Your leaving me was hurt enough So why did you have to hurt me even more By bragging about the life you ruined?

Why did you have to make a trophy out of me And put me on display?

3.

And just out of curiosity I’d like to ask you: “Was I that vulnerable?

Was it that easy for you?

Didn’t I give you any challenge at all?

Didn’t I put up any kind of a decent fight?

Didn’t it require at least some cunning on your part?

Or was I really that easy?”

181

4.

“And the way you did it − Did you have to be that cold and brutal?

Did you have to put a collar on my neck And parade me around like some kind of circus freak?

Did you have to boast about the little foolish heart you broke And take all my self-respect away?”

5.

“Was it all that easy for you?

Or are you just that good at what you do?”

These questions I both ask of you And myself. *****

182

y Writing Letters In The Dark (Philippines) 7-7-2005 Writing letters to the ghost of a lost love. _____ 1.

When the orange sun goes down and the day is done − When all the lights go out and I’m lying in my bed − It’s then the ghost of a long lost love appears.

It’s then my pained regrets begin to breed.

It’s then I rise and write − Once, twice, three times a night, or more.

It’s then I write my poems and letters in the dark.

2.

This is what I have become.

This is the fate to which I have succumbed − To writing poems and letters in the dark To someone to whom I’ve never said The things I should have said − To someone with whom I missed My fleeting chance for love − To someone who has now Gone away forever.

183

3.

This is the fate To which I’ve been sunk − To the sorry fate Of writing poems and letters in the dark To someone Who I let become a ghost – To someone Who has gone away forever. *****

184

y Why Do We Audience The Messenger So Much?

(Philippines) 7-13-2005 Presentation sometimes outshines content. _____ 1.

What messages are ignored Because of an unimpressive messenger?

What good advice is never followed Because of the awkward messenger who delivered it?

2.

What treasures are left abandoned on the beach Because they were hidden under a mere inch of sand?

What valued gifts are sadly never opened Because they were wrapped in unattractive packages?

What children full of promise are orphaned For their handicaps?

What wisdom is missed Just because it was slightly veiled?

Oh what tragedies of life are these.

3.

Why does the messenger So often get the most attention Rather than the message?

185

4.

Why do we audience the messenger More than the message?

5.

Why must the cover Always sell the book?

6.

Oh how often irony and ignorance Will co-conspire To our helpless disadvantage By giving the messenger More attention Than the message. *****

186

y Simplicity Is So Complex 7-24-2005 Choosing between simple and complex things. _____ 1.

You would expect sophistication To be a valued asset and a goal.

But look it up − In addition to being defined as “cultured” Sophistication also means “complicated” And complicated things are not the things You should be looking for.

While it’s easy to be mistakenly drawn To sophisticated things and people My advice to you Is to seek out the plain and simple things in life And avoid sophistication.

2.

Truth and beauty are the simple things We should be looking for.

But when we really look at them a little deeper We’ll find that they are not so simple or unsophisticated As they first appear And are in fact complex things Disguised in simple trappings.

And despite that confusion and apparent contradiction We should seek them out.

187

3.

Honesty, faithfulness and love Are all simple things in people, right?

Wrong!

In fact they’re very complex things − Difficult to find And even more difficult to master.

4.

As strange as it may seem It’s easier to feign sophistication Than it is to feign simplicity.

5.

It’s so easy to be fooled By apparent sophistication − By painted faces, shallow talk, and pompous boasting.

There is little value in the busy, noisy and the obvious − In things that seem to be sophisticated.

Real sophistication and value Are rather in the placid quietness Of truly plain and simple things.

6.

All value and reward Lie embedded in plain and simple things.

Avoid what at first and on its surface Appears to be sophisticated And look for what is underneath For everything has an underside.

188

7.

Measure everything Against the principles of simplicity For it’s the simple things That’ll have the greatest value.

8.

If we follow these principles We’ll discover that the simple things Are actually The most sophisticated things of all. *****

189

y I Should Save My Energy 7-25-2005 Looking toward the future. _____ 1.

It doesn’t look as though There’s any hope for me.

It seems I can’t recover my losses For I’ve doubled all my bets And still I’m down.

2.

I can’t seem to keep my head Above the rising waters.

I’m slowly drowning And any effort that I make now To save myself Would all be wasted.

So I should just save my energy For a better and more promising chance Somewhere in the future.

3.

As in the game of pool It’s often better to call a “safe shot” Than to waste it on a bold and daring one Where you might lose position Or maybe even the game.

190

4.

So in the time remaining In this game of Life I should call a “safe shot” And save my time and energy Trying to make some desperate shot.

I should save my time and energy For another time, In another game, Where I’d have a better chance of winning For this game Is pretty much over. *****

191

y Just Put In A Good Word For Me 7-25-2005 Defending someone who can’t defend himself. _____ 1.

I’m not asking you to go out of your way To any extraordinary degree − Nothing like that − For all I’m asking Is that you simply put in a good word for me When and where it’s needed.

2.

All I’m asking Is for you to counter those who might malign me When I can’t defend myself Or to speak up for me when credit is due And I can’t do it myself.

That’s all I ask of you, my friend − You, who know me best.

192

3.

I’m not asking you to defend me Any more than I deserve Or to build me up Beyond my measured due.

All I’m asking Is that you put in a good word for me In my defense and favor, To correct any overt error or omission, Or to present a more balanced point of view When I’m not able to do it for myself. *****

193

y

I Didn’t Mean Any Harm 7-25-2005 Unintentional harm can be just as damaging. _____ 1.

Just because you say, “I didn’t mean any harm” Do you think you’ll be absolved for what you’ve done?

Do you think the damage that you’ve done Can be offset And the punishment you should receive Set aside By simply saying those magic words, “I didn’t mean any harm”?

2.

I don’t think so For the end result of what you’ve done Is all that really counts to me And to all the others who you’ve hurt.

3.

Don’t use that lame excuse on me, “I didn’t mean any harm” For you never gave the slightest thought About the consequences Of anything you did.

194

4.

I don’t want to hear, “I didn’t mean any harm” For you might as well have done it All on purpose For irresponsibility Is just as bad as mal-intent When the result’s the same.

5.

I’ll not be swayed by your pathetic defense: “I didn’t mean any harm” − Or any more forgiving. *****

195

y I Have To Take My Hand Away 8-5-2005 Having to let go before both are destroyed. _____ 1.

I’ve stood by you all these years And asked for no reward or recognition.

2.

I’ve been steady through All the erratic changes in your moods.

I’ve suffered through All your ranting and ravings.

I’ve felt all the sorrows that you felt.

I’ve calmed your worries and soothed your pains.

I’ve walked along all the rocky roads And thorny paths you took me down.

I did all these things for you And did them willingly.

196

3.

But now I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve reached my limit And am nearly exhausted.

And if I were to continue any longer I wouldn’t be good for anyone or anything − Even to myself.

So I have to let you go − I have to take my hand away from yours.

4.

And as for you?

If I continued to stick around And still supported you You’d never change.

5.

So, my darling With trepidation And the deepest sorrow and regret I have to take my hand away from yours − I have to let it go − For both our sakes. *****

197

y

Not Until You’re Ready 8-7-2005 Preparing to confront your enemies. _____ 1.

Keep staring straight ahead Or down if you must.

Ignore their threatening and intimidating glares.

Don’t try to face them off too soon.

2.

Don’t let them lure you into a rash or hasty reaction.

Despite their arrogance and flaunting superiority And your pressing need to take them down And vindicate yourself Don’t give them the satisfaction − Not yet, anyway.

Keep your powder dry And don’t fire Until you see the whites of their eyes.

Wait for the exact and proper moment For timing’s everything.

198

3.

Keep staring straight ahead And down if you have to.

Keep practicing your discipline Until rash temptation has passed And you feel a steady calmness come over you That tells you that you’re ready.

4.

Despite your anxious need to triumph over them − Despite how long you’ve waited for the moment When you could can raise your arms in victory − Resist the temptation For you don’t want to make your move prematurely.

Don’t yield to that temptation − Not just yet.

Don’t run the risk of ruining your chances For a more guaranteed result For the risk is just not worth it − Not yet, anyway.

5.

Strengthen up your hard defense and blunt defiance And remember all your training.

Don’t move too soon or fast.

Don’t risk bad timing and a major fall.

Don’t be impatient and jump the gun For you’ll know it when it comes.

You’ll know when you’re ready For you’ll feel it Inside yourself.

199

6.

Only when you’re absolutely sure And your trainers and advisors all agree It’s then and only then That you should lift your eyes And squarely take them on − Finally!

Once and for all!

Face to face!

7.

You’ll know when you should make your move: When your nerves and hands are steady.

When your strength is at its height and coiled.

When you feel your body and mind in unison.

When you’re lazar-focused and fully committed.

And when your mind, heart, and soul are at peace With either winning Or losing.

8.

So until that time comes Keep staring straight ahead And down if you have to.

Wait until you’re absolutely sure you’re ready − For rest assured You’ll know it when you feel it. *****

200

y Why We Hold To An After-Life Belief 9-17-2005 From experience and the instinct for survival. _____ 1.

I’ve deduced That the reason we believe in an after-life Is rooted in the fact That the only experience we have Is our experience with Life And the fact that we have no experience With Death.

And another contributing factor Is rooted in Our instinct for survival 2.

With respect to the first reason Since all we know about is Life We can’t imagine Anything taking its place Other than another Life.

201

3.

And with respect to the second reason Since our instinct for survival Is so engrained in us We can’t accept or give in to the thought of dying And our belief in the after-life therefore Is a natural extension of that.

4.

So with these two factors at play We project the life we have here Into an assumed life beyond Which satisfies what both Our experience And Our instinct for survival Tell us.

5.

While the belief in an after-life is firmly founded In our personal and emotional psyches And supported by Most religions and philosophies It’s not founded in cold reality And is probably incorrect.

6.

But having said that and presented A solid logical theory for that belief I fully realize That I’m in the minority on this one And who knows? − I may in fact be dead wrong. ***** 202

y Difficult To Work With 9-18-2005 It’s sometimes better that I work alone. _____ 1.

I don’t communicate well with people Which bothers me to no end.

And what makes it even worse Is that I can’t hide the frustration From my face.

2.

I also don’t lead so well either.

People just don’t follow what I say so willingly So I have to demand from them What I can’t get through leadership or charisma.

3.

And what makes matters worse Is the fact that I’m a perfectionist in many ways Which causes me to be even more demanding Both of others and myself.

203

4.

All this takes its toll on them − And me − And I’m sometimes branded as: “Difficult to work with.”

5.

So as a result I sometimes get so frustrated That I wind up Just doing it myself. *****

204

y I Pray That She Is Dead 9-30-2005 A father’s worry over his kidnapped daughter. _____ 1.

I cry every time I think of her And can’t focus on anything else Worrying that my kidnapped daughter Is alive and suffering And possibly even being tortured.

2.

I hate her captors For they’ve made me hate myself in particular And the world in general.

3.

What is she going through right now?

What heartache, loneliness and degradation Might she be suffering?

I’m helplessly depressed thinking about All the gruesome possibilities.

205

4.

I can’t help asking myself Out of all the more deserving people in the world Why was it That she was singled out?

And where was I That I couldn’t have protected her?

5.

I wish that I could take her place And it hurts me that I can’t.

6.

As strange as it may seem I pray that she is dead Because whatever pain She might be going through Would be over with.

And whatever flashback nightmares She would suffer in the future Would never come to be.

7.

I pray that she’s at peace For with her peace I’ll find some peace myself.

8.

So with mixed emotions I pray that she is dead. *****

206

y

I’m Better With Things Than People 10-6-2005 Wishing to be as comfortable with people. _____ 1.

I often feel disappointed With the quality of my relationships: With my staff at work, With vendors, friends and neighbors, And even with family sometimes.

2.

I so much want to be relaxed and sociable But my nature and my past experience Work against me.

3.

There’s a constant tension in me Between who I am And who I want to be; Between what I want to give And what I cannot give.

207

4.

It seems I’m better with things Than I am with people − Better with my work, my house My boat, my books, my writings and my music − Than I am with people.

5.

Although I keep on hoping I doubt that things will ever change Where one day I might resolve This life-long frustration of mine And become someone Who’s just as comfortable with people As he is with things.

6.

But for now And maybe forever I just have to live with my frustration Of being better with things Than with people. *****

208

y The Waitress Who I Never Got To Know 10-31-2005 A missed chance at love. _____ 1.

I remember years ago I used to study for my CPA exams In a downtown New York City bar and grill That had an Asian waitress Who I thought was beautiful.

2.

Many nights I ate and drank there Hoping I could catch her eye But she always looked away And I never could engage her.

3.

Each drink I ordered Was another opportunity to get her attention.

But I was awkward, shy, and unaggressive Which is a failing combination for any chance at love.

4.

It also seemed that possibly I never made the right impression on her Or that she was just too shy herself For she remained business like and distant.

209

5.

I sometimes think of her And wonder how things might have been Had I been more skilled or luckier in love Or had she warmed to me on her own.

6.

But neither happened And now she’ll only be The waitress Who I never got to know. *****

210

y If Only I Could Sing 11-25-2005 Wishing for the gift of being able to sing. _____ 1.

Oh, how I wish that I could sing − To sing for happiness and for sorrow − To sing for self expression and release.

2.

But when I start to sing I have to give it up For it’s very obvious – Like fingernails on a black board − That I just don’t have that talent.

3.

So things build up inside of me − Heavy things That stress and worry me Where my mind and heart become Like an attic − Overstuffed and bulging.

4.

Oh, if only I could lighten up my load And relieve the pressure in my heart and soul − Oh if only I could sing! *****

211

y That Little Pencil On My Ear 11-26-2005 The dual purpose of my pencil. ______ 1.

When I work around the house I always have a little pencil on my ear Which is not only for taking measurements And making calculations But also for capturing The many fleeting thoughts and inspirations That fly into my head And eventually coalesce into a poem.

2.

My little pencil saves them From making their escapes, Or from dying a natural death, Or from that bogeyman called forgetfulness.

3.

My little pencil also works on them: Giving them voice, sight and purpose − Giving them life − and with that life − Perhaps even a chance for immortality!

Oh, that deceiving little pencil on my ear. *****

212

y Living On The Edge Of Life 1-21-2006 A modest accomplishment to be proud of. _____ 1.

He’s got just enough for food and shelter − Enough for the basics − But not for anything like luxuries or vacations − Just enough for maybe a movie now and then And an occasional restaurant meal.

2.

He buys nothing that isn’t functional And nothing that’s purely personal.

3.

He has little disposable income Or room for any extra spending.

Everything’s a tradeoff − Save on this, to spend on that.

4.

Everything’s so very tight And there’s always the constant threat Of unexpected expenses That could severely set him back.

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5.

And when he finds that he has: A week’s supply of food in the ‘fridge, The rent paid up a month in advance, And three quarters of a tank of gas, He’s very proud of himself.

6.

And on those rare occasions When these three things all come together It’s a time when he can catch his breath And a time when Hope approaches him And whispers in his ear About better days to come.

7.

Such things as these Are little things to most But big things to him − To a man who’s living on the margin − To a man who’s living on the edge of life. *****

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y Keep Looking For The Light 1-27-2006 Looking for that final enlightenment. _____ 1.

Many years ago When I was in my late teens and early 20s I was struggling with a number of crises Including trying to find myself.

2.

Then, like bolts of lightning I experienced what I can best describe as Defining moments.

There were a number of them a few years apart That showed me the path I had to take Around my crises And a better path for going forward in life.

The Oracle had spoken.

3.

But while they helped me greatly I felt I needed more And waited anxiously For the next defining moment.

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4.

For nearly 40 years now I’ve been waiting Waiting for the big one − The one that would light my path the brightest yet − The one that would give me inner peace And take me through the rest of my life Brave, content and unafraid.

5.

So here I am, up on my toes With my eyes straining Looking for that light Wondering if I’ll ever see it before my end − Waiting…searching…hoping − Waiting for that next defining moment.

6.

For more than 40 years I’ve been waiting And often ask myself, “Should I forsake my vigil?

Am I waiting for a miracle That maybe won’t ever come?”

7.

“No!” I tell myself, “Get back on your feet and up on your toes again!

Strain your eyes with all your strength!

Turn your head in every direction!

Keep a sharp and steady look-out!

Keep looking as far and long as you can!

Don’t you dare give up on Hope!

Keep looking for that light!” ***** 216

y Out Of Reach 3-8-2006 Getting mad takes a lot out of me. _____ 1.

When someone angers me It’s hard for me to just let it pass.

I frequently react, withdraw, brood, and or become cold On the outside But on the other hand and at the same time I become feverish with regret and second thoughts On the inside.

2.

In my hurt, cold and brooding state I wait for them to yield And be the first to blink.

3.

Pride and sensitivity Assume control of me.

Pride and sensitivity Disable me.

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4.

While I’m punishing them I’m punishing myself − And probably even more.

5.

Just why I am the way I am I don’t rightly know But it drags me out of reach of those I love And sadly out of reach of myself. *****

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y My Ladies Of The Night 10-31-2006 To all the office cleaning ladies that I’ve known. _____ 1.

In my over 40 years of working late In 6 or 7 office buildings over my career I’ve met so many cleaning ladies During which time We’ve kept each other company On many a night.

2.

When I’m feeling sorry for myself For working long beyond the time that others do These ladies help me keep my spirits up For their plight is so much worse than mine For when my work is finally done Theirs is usually just beginning.

And when I leave the office They’ll only have their worries And their lonely echoes To keep them company.

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3.

They do their jobs so meekly And as quietly as they can And always apologizing in struggling English For possibly disturbing me.

4.

They are the salt of the earth And my silent confidants.

They and I both understand About working long, hard and late And about doing work That others usually won’t do − So, we have a lot in common.

5.

These dear souls – These dear cleaning ladies That I meet when I’m working late – Understand me Just as bar girls understand their customers.

6.

Oh, these plain and simple, Hard working, And understanding souls Are my very special Ladies of the night. *****

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y Roman Candle 11-3-2006 I flare up quickly then calm down just as fast. _____ 1.

When I get mad I sometimes go off like a roman candle Whistling high and fast Into the sky Burning bright and mad.

2.

Halfway up And standing out Against the black night sky I realize what I’ve done, Where I am, And how obvious I’ve become.

3.

And then Just as quickly as I went off I come crashing down To where I started from All burned out. *****

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y We Must Or Else (On America) 6-24-2007 To regain our lost position. _____ 1.

America We manufacture so very little goods these days And the services that we provide instead Are not the quality they should be.

Once we had a sterling reputation And an exalted position in the world.

Once we were great innovators and leaders.

But not anymore.

2.

We must start all over And to do so We must first acknowledge That we have to reinvent ourselves.

We must become again The former Egyptians, Greeks and Romans.

We must become again The former Americans.

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3.

The only chance we have To be the leaders of the world again Is to completely change our focus − To replace our dull complacency With fresh, new and bold ideas With a renewed pioneering spirit − To shift away From our insatiable appetite For constant entertainment and instant gratification And toward Hard work and sacrifice.

4.

We must do things that are revolutionary.

We must create things that are ingenious And that have mass appeal and application Similar to what we did with respect to: The automobile; refrigerator; computer; and the internet.

We must create a brand new kind of: Science; medicine; philosophy; or art.

We must solve some global problem like: Overpopulation; education; agriculture; energy; or pollution; We must discover or invent something That will change our lives dramatically And be exportable to the world.

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5.

We must invent a better – Almost revolutionary way: To manage our economy, Our government, Our justice system, Or our personal lives.

6.

We must take on world problems And save the planet For in doing so We’ll have become leaders again.

7.

We must recognize That we’re in desperate straits And there’s a need for urgency.

8.

We must think Big. We must think Smart.

We must think like Revolutionaries!

9.

It will take great thinkers To devise new theories − Great entrepreneurs To invent new machines and businesses − And great leaders To support and implement them.

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10.

It will also take A great and undivided people Who see themselves On a mission for their nation If we’re ever to succeed.

11.

Can we be those people?

Can we be that nation?

We must, or else. *****

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y Two Irish Jews (On Tom Carroll) 10-9-2007 Two Irishmen with admirable Jewish traits. _____ 1.

Two “Irish Jews” we are − Two intellectuals sipping their wine Always making observations, discussing and debating − Always criticizing others based on: Religion, race and politics; Weight, looks and style; Attitude, class or whatever.

Two “Irish Jews” Who are never without an observation Or an opinion.

2.

When we express our anger and frustration About things and people We’re not especially vicious We’re just venting.

It’s our release.

It’s our intellectual right and need.

But on the other hand There are many times Rather than being critical We’re very complimentary.

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3.

We are self-appointed intellectuals With very strong and vocal opinions Most of which We’re pretty much in agreement on.

4.

Two “Irish Jews” we are − Looking across the bar And out the barroom window Rating and ranking All the patrons and every passerby.

5.

Two “Irish Jews” we are − Two self-anointed and self-appointed intellectuals Who have made it in life Through the combination of: Intelligence and hard work, Luck and happenstance, Or whatever.

And since we’ve made it in life We, and those glasses of wine we’re feeling, Have given us the right To preside and judge.

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6.

We’re not prejudice – We just have our preferences.

We know what we like and don’t like And there’s nothing changing that.

But as much as we can be critical We can easily be moved To reverse our original judgments In that those who we formerly condemned Can be pardoned.

7.

And to save face for our reversals We assure each other, “We weren’t wrong in our initial assessment But rather the formerly accused Have subsequently proven themselves innocent Or shown us Some mitigating qualities or circumstances That we hadn’t been aware of before.”

8.

Two “Irish Jews” we are − Always observing, discussing and debating about everything.

The barroom is our Forum, Senate and Court House.

It’s here we carry out our duties to: Discuss, debate, judge, sentence, execute, acquit or praise.

And when we vote We rarely have a tie For it’s usually 2 “for” and 0 “against” Or 2 “against” and 0 “for”.

Two benevolent dictators we are.

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9.

Two “Irish Jews” we are − Always observing, discussing and debating about everything – Always trying to figure out and articulate What life is all about.

Some days we think we have it And other days we haven’t got a clue.

But it doesn’t matter For it’s all about the process – And the company. *****

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y I Overlook The Harbor (Budapest) 5-19-2008 Prisoners to ourselves. _____ 1.

Why is it only “me” that I always am?

Why is it only me that I will only ever know or be?

Why must I be confined to this myopic entity called me?

Why must I be a prisoner in solitary confinement Confined to this little cell called me?

2.

Why can’t I ever be Someone other than just me?

Why must I be indentured to this single vessel – To this single ship called me?

Why can’t I ever get out And sail aboard another ship?

Why must I be tortured By these cruel impossibilities?

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3.

It’s as though I were peering out Of the single little window of my prison cell Onto a vast array of ships in a harbor down below Knowing that I can never sail on any one of them − On any vessel other than the one called “me”.

And it’s that deprived and claustrophobic feeling That tortures me And puts me in this special kind of Hell − Knowing that I can never be anyone Other than “me”. *****

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y The Fence 6-20-2008 The discovery of another world. _____ 1.

He broke off from the hunting party So he could better track his prey.

He felt disadvantaged being in a group – For a group: Moves too slow, Makes too much noise, And is easily spotted So he felt he’d be better off alone.

2.

Free from the pack He quickened his pace.

He also moved the feathers From off his forehead To improve his vision and his concentration.

3.

Then he saw it – The wild pig that he’d been tracking!

If he moved quickly enough And had a little luck He could surprise and confuse it Just enough to out-maneuver it.

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4.

Then he made his move − He bolted and the pig did too And in the exact direction he thought it would.

He ran it hard and fast.

His strategy was working.

5.

Then, all of a sudden And at full gate He hit his face and chest On something hard, yet springy And bounced off it And was thrown to the ground.

It was quite a shock to him And he was visibly shaken.

6.

There was nothing he could see That could have done that For nothing looked any different From the jungle bush around him.

But when he reached out slowly – Exploring cautiously with his hands And pushed away some vines and leaves − He saw something that he’d never seen before.

It was a chain-link fence Which of course he hadn’t any concept of.

He stood there shocked, confused and frightened.

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7.

What was this thing – This web – That had stopped him And threw him to the ground?

What black magic was at play?

What devil’s curse Had been invoked on him?

8.

He looked at it from every angle.

He touched it lightly Then quickly pulled his hand away As if it were a red-hot coal.

He was in awe of it For he didn’t have the experience Or capacity To even begin to figure out What it was that he was looking at.

9.

It was an infrastructure relic Of a past civilization That had gone extinct or just moved on And that had been covered up With centuries of growth.

But of course he knew nothing about that.

10.

Then he ran to tell the others What he discovered.

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11.

While the tribal leaders wouldn’t know either What it was that he had stumbled on They would have to develop A plausible and convincing story That would neatly mesh With their tribal law, religion, and mythology For that was their job − To somehow make whatever they encountered – No matter how forced or strained it was − Fit neatly into, and reinforce their beliefs. ~ One way or another They would make it fit. *****

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y The Ghost At The Piano 10-29-2008 Trying to make contact through his music. _____ 1.

I’m just a ghost now who’s missing his family.

And as I sit down at the piano I say a prayer That this time they’ll see or hear me.

2.

And as I play My heart pounds With hope that they will And with the worry that they won’t.

3.

Most times They pass right by me Not seeing or hearing anything.

Sometimes though They stop and look my way.

While I sometimes think they see or hear me I’m never really sure – Nor are they.

It’s so disconcerting Never really knowing If they do or don’t.

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4.

Do I have any chance of reaching them?

Will I ever get their attention?

Maybe this time?

Maybe next time?

Maybe? Maybe?

Or will all my hopes and efforts Be for naught Just like before?

5.

I’m just a tortured soul − A ghost who cannot rest − A ghost who can’t accept his destiny − A ghost who’s homesick And will always be coming home For an invisible and silent visit Never knowing If he’ll ever be seen or heard. *****

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y My Wild Bachelor Days 11-9-2008 Remembering my wild bachelor days. _____ 1.

My wild bachelor days Were during the 15 years Between 1967 and 1981 − Between the day I was discharged from the Navy And lived in Brooklyn, Manhattan and Rio de Janeiro And the day I got married.

2.

Almost every night I was in the bars Drinking with the guys And looking for the girls.

Though I knew I’d never find The right girl in a bar I couldn’t help myself.

3.

Almost every night I drank hard and heavy.

And if I wasn’t drunk, I was nearly so.

And all during these times I got very little sleep.

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4.

I took big risks back then But luckily I came out of them in one piece But some others I knew Weren’t so lucky.

5.

In many ways those 15 years Were shallow, hollow, empty years As I could have been doing Much more productive things − Like writing more poetry and music.

In a way they were wasted years − Or were they?

6.

Maybe they weren’t completely wasted For during those years I really tasted life − A part of life That many others rarely got to taste.

And I experienced things That many others rarely got to experience − Things that were wild, exciting, and daring And sometimes downright dangerous.

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7.

The things I did in those days Fell on both ends of the spectrum And were often stark contradictions of each other.

Some were innocent things While others weren’t.

Some were flattering and complementary While others were quite embarrassing.

But they were all Unforgettable.

8.

By day I was a young professional “Turk”.

And by night I was a hard-drinking, girl-chasing marauder − A Dr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde − The head and tails of a coin − Sometimes a horse’s head And sometimes a horse’s ass.

9.

Those 15 wild bachelor years − While they were empty years in many respects They were also Cram-packed with a lifetime worth of Life.

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10.

In the back of my mind though I always knew that I had to change my ways And always knew that someday I would For I felt the commitment and momentum inside of me − Unshaped and slow at first − But definitely there and on the move With the power and certainty of tectonic plates Moving ever so slowly But unstoppable.

11.

While I harbor some understandable regret About a lot of those wild and wasted bachelor years And my immature antics That were so often empty-headed and unproductive I didn’t come away completely empty handed For as I said I experienced a lot of Life That many others didn’t.

12.

Everything in Life’s a trade-off.

And everything has its price.

And the price I paid For my little taste of Life’s wild adventures − While expensive in many ways − Was, I guess, At the going rate. *****

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y Changes In Regime 11-16-2008 The overthrow of one regime by another. _____ 1.

The Rain now occupies the throne And will fiercely fight to retain its power and position And to stay in Nature’s favor Until its overthrow is imminent.

2.

In time the Monarch Rain will exhaust itself And its governance will begin to wane.

Nature then, will begin to turn its back on it And face a new and rising heir-apparent.

3.

As the Monarchy decays A vacuum is created And a coup begins to form.

And sensing this The Wind begins to prepare To escort in the new regime As is its duty during every coup.

242

4.

Soon the invading soldiers storm the palace And the reigning Monarch abdicates the throne And his court is routed Leaving the palace empty and deathly still While waiting for the succeeding Monarch − The Fresh Dry Air − To arrive in triumph.

5.

Soon the Fresh Dry Air blusters in With its flags snapping in the Wind And ascends the throne.

Then the new Crown Walks to the balcony that overlooks the courtyard And all the peasants begin to cheer! − The peasants always cheer for every new Monarch For there’s no benefit to them for doing otherwise.

6.

While the Fresh Dry Air Will have the loyal support of all the peasants Throughout its reign The peasants are always ready to shift alliances Whenever they sense the Wind is changing Or spy an heir-apparent waiting in the wings.

7.

It’s so uncanny As to how these common peasants Always seem to know When a coup is imminent. ***** 243

y How Things Have Changed (The 2008 Financial Crisis) 12-5-2008 The financial crisis has set me back. _____ 1.

Two months ago I was so much more Financially and psychologically secure Than I’d been in years.

I was feeling pretty good about myself And proud about the financial recovery That I was finally making From the 15 prior years of in-between jobs And failed investments.

2.

Then the market crashed And the Great Recession set in Which some are saying Might even become a full Depression.

3.

Whatever technical terms are used to described it It had a profound effect on me As a significant portion of what I’d saved For my retirement Was gone in a week.

244

4.

Just when I thought I had escaped From my strained financial situation And had an unobstructed path To a decent retirement Disaster struck.

5.

So here I am again Insecure and worried as I was before When I was out of work, deeply in debt And near to losing our home.

6.

Some years before − Before this crash − I slept soundly.

But I don’t now.

The peace of mind I used to have Only weeks ago Has been replaced with constant worry.

7.

What a time for this to happen At age 65 And a year or two before retirement.

8.

So with no time left in life For any real recovery It’s just bad timing and bad luck for me All the way around. ***** 245

y A Little Hole In The Sky 5-8-2009 Curiosity and indecision. _____ 1.

I looked up And saw a little hole in the sky That I never noticed before.

2.

Was this like a knot hole in the fence That would allow me to see The whole construction site, so to speak?

Or was it a come-on that I should avoid?

Was it an opportunity Or a trap?

Or was it just an inadvertent find That meant little or nothing at all?

3.

Should I let Curiosity and Daring Satisfy themselves In the hope of some Benefit or Reward But run the risk Of some kind of Retribution or Punishment?

Or should I just leave things well enough alone − Leaving Heaven to its secrets and its privacy?

246

4.

While I tell myself, “Play it safe and leave it be”, Curiosity and I can’t help staring at it And at each other Wondering And fighting with ourselves Over what exactly we should do. *****

247

y Fate And The Children Of Cronos 8-25-2009 A somewhat disjointed story in Greek mythology. _____ 1.

Cronos was a Titan And the son of Gaia, the Earth And Uranus, the Sky. He was a vengeful King Who had deposed his father Then castrated him.

And as a result From that day on he lived in fear That one day his sons Might do the same to him.

So to prevent this from happening He swallowed every one of his sons Right after they were born.

2.

His wife Rhea, however Managed to save her youngest son, Zeus By feeding Cronos a stone That she disguised as an infant.

248

3.

When Zeus grew up He forced his father, Cronos To disgorge himself Of all the offspring that he had swallowed Who then became the Olympians Who would fight the Titans Over the next ten years Until they finally triumphed.

4.

After their victory Zeus and his brothers, Poseidon and Hades, Ruled the Cosmos: Zeus ruled the Sky and all the living; Poseidon ruled the seas and all who travelled upon them; And Hades − having drawn the shortest straw − Ruled the Underworld and all the dead.

5.

Oh that strange place – The Underworld of Hades − Where the dead were bodiless shadows, Where silence reigned, Where there was no suffering or any joy Rather only the pain of nothingness everywhere.

And as the story goes There also was no Heaven for the virtuous Nor any Hell for sinners.

249

6.

For special sins however There were special punishments − Like the punishment given Sisyphus For his betrayal of Zeus’ secrets And for tricking Persephone, the Queen of Hades * Into letting him return to Earth To be with his wife, Merope For which sin He was dragged back to Hades And forced to roll a giant bolder up a hill Only to have it roll down again and again For all eternity. * Hades abducted Persephone from Earth, but allowed her to return each year to usher in Spring.

7.

Before the dead could enter the Underworld They had to pay a coin to the boatman, Charon For their passage across the River Styx, the River of Hate That lay between Earth and the Underworld.

Pity the man who was buried without a coin For he’d be forever doomed to Limbo.

8.

So the moral of this story Is never to sin against the gods And more than that Be wary of your children, Assume the worst of their ambitions, Keep them always in your sight, And at a safe and measured distance. ***** 250

y My Portfolio 5-4-2014 Hoping my accomplishments will make a decent portfolio. _____ 1.

Now that I’m retiring I’m committed to finishing All my personal works that are in process − All the 50 years of music, writing and other projects That I’ve been working on And that will represent who I am And what I want to leave for my loved ones.

2.

I’ve had a long life with many personal projects That I’ve now got to bring together With only a short window of time left to do it in.

3.

And when all my projects are completed I’ll be sitting in Death’s waiting room With my portfolio on my lap Nervously hoping they’ll be enough To make a decent showing of myself. *****

251

y Soul Watch 5-17-2014 Trying to prove the existence of the soul. _____ 1.

There are so many theories About the existence or non-existence of the soul That I don’t know what to believe And therefore aim to prove Or disprove it Myself.

2.

So here I am Sitting in this confined little room Next to the coffin of a friend of mine Who had just passed away Waiting in vigil To see exactly if and when his soul Will leave his body.

3.

And if and when I find out anything myself I’ll be sure to let you know. *****

252

y The Disadvantages Of Advantages 5-17-2014 Advantages can be disadvantages in disguise. _____ 1.

The advantages of having money and or fame Are obvious.

But what’s not so obvious Are the disconcerting problems they often create In never knowing if people like you for yourself Or just for your fame and fortune − In never knowing if after they smile at you to your face They then sneer at you behind your back.

2.

Oh the disconcerting uneasiness of never knowing Who to trust and who to believe − And never knowing if what you’ve had to sacrifice To keep your image up Was worth it.

3.

Advantages Can easily and conversely Be disadvantages. *****

253

y I Always Need My Crutch 6-26-2014 Sheet music is my crutch in music. _____ 1.

Unlike my son Kerry I’ve never had the ability To memorize music And play without the sheet music.

2.

Whatever the reason − Lack of memory, confidence or talent − The result’s the same: I’m married to my sheet music And need it as a crutch For without it I’m a virtual musical cripple Who can’t play anything.

3.

For whatever reason I think I’ll always need my sheet music As a crutch. *****

254

y Road Kill Workers 6-26-2014 Traumatic experiences. _____ 1.

Yesterday I saw a deer killed on the highway.

It was a bloody, bone-crushing and traumatic thing to see That deeply affected me − And I only saw one such incident.

2.

After witnessing that single incident I imagined what it must be like For the highway workers Who have to pick up mutilated animal road kill Each and every day And how it must affect their emotional And psychological mental health.

3.

And by extrapolation I can imagine How traumatic it must have been in wartime For those who had to collect All the dead, dismantled and decomposing bodies From all the bloody and smelly battle fields and beaches.

255

4.

The extent to which anyone is affected By the traumatic things they encounter Will depend on both their inner constitution And how good they are at hiding or suppressing things.

5.

But I don’t care how hardened you are Or how good your skills are At suppression or camouflage You cannot not be affected By the things you see. *****

256

y The Making Of Our Portraits 6-26-2014 Our genes and experiences determine who we are. _____ 1.

We are the sum, substance and result Of the coding in our genes And the imprints made from our experiences.

2.

Our genes are the canvasses, Our experiences are the oils, And whatever portrait emerges Will depend upon both the luck and talent Of the artist’s hand And his disposition and interpretation at the time.

3.

What comes out of it Is sometimes quite predicable But sometimes − Surprise! − Not predicable at all.

So we all just have to anxiously wait and see How our portraits actually turn out. *****

257

y Watching The Clock (In Retirement) 3-19-2014 Some little big things in retirement. _____ 1.

When you retire The events in your life scale down.

They miniaturize into less significant things.

2.

You watch the second hand of the clock go by Second by second Waiting for that anticipated big event When the minute hand clicks forward a notch And you feel a big sense of – satisfaction.

3.

And then After a longer and more anxious wait The really big event occurs When the hour hand Makes its glacial forward move And finally touches the next hour mark And you feel that bigger sense of − exhilaration.

258

4.

These are just two little things That constitute some of the big things In your new and exciting life − In retirement. *****

259

y Reaching For The Fountain Of Youth 3-18-2014 Inspired by a scene from the book and film, “John Adams.” _____ 1.

He reached out from his death bed And tried to touch his grandson’s hand Who was sitting nearby on his mother’s lap.

2.

He reached out with one hand Desperately stretching it as far as he could − Trying to touch the young boy’s hand As if it were the fountain of youth.

3.

His mother slowly brought the boy closer And let the old man touch him.

And when he did There was an expression of great relief In the old man’s face.

4.

It was a mystery to all as to what it meant to him But there was no doubt that it meant something.

Perhaps for him It was the fountain of youth. *****

260

y Escape From Manila (On Stella) 11-1-2008 A scary visit to my girlfriend in the Philippines in 1969. _____ 1.

I flew to Manila To meet my girlfriend Stella’s family.

The night that I arrived Her father and I – Man to man − Drank a lot of beers together To “get to know each other”.

2.

Later that night there was a commotion in the street.

A band of thugs were on the prowl Shouting and throwing rocks at everything.

I remember the “thuds” they made As they hit the tin roof of the house and clattered down.

After a while Stella’s father had had enough And you could see it in his face and in his demeanor.

3.

In a fit of anger he took out his gun And aimed it out the window and was ready to shoot Which showed me that he had a violent temper And a guy you shouldn’t mess with.

261

4.

Some days later Stella and I went off to Baguio − A resort town high up in the mountains.

When we got there We took a room – Together − Not separate rooms as we should have – But a single room.

A single room would have been OK In the States − But not In the Philippines.

5.

Sometime later that evening We were “discovered” by some spies That her father had made arrangements with.

6.

I was put in one car And Stella in another.

The henchmen with me Never spoke a word And looked tough and serious – Like they were on a mission.

It was the longest and most tense ride I ever had.

Throughout the entire 3 hour ride Along that long, narrow, winding and unlit mountain road I was looking at the dark and dense jungle to my left and right Wondering what instructions they might have had And thinking how easy it would be for them To just dump me somewhere.

262

7.

When we arrived home Her father sat me down and confronted me, “What are your intentions?”

Nervously and naively – And all too straight and American, I answered, “I’m not sure.”

8.

That was not the answer he wanted to hear And left the room mad.

The whole house was tense.

And when I went to bed that night I went to bed worried.

9.

Then, sometime around midnight or so Stella’s brother woke me up and said, “If you don’t have a better answer For my father in the morning It might be best you leave tonight As I know my father.”

Remembering the gun and his temper – And his henchmen − I agreed.

10.

So as not to awaken the house We rolled the family car slowly and carefully Down the driveway and into the street.

And then when it was far enough away we started it.

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11.

I caught the 3:30 am flight back to the States.

While I was safe, I worried about Stella For I knew the trouble she’d be facing When the morning came.

But I also knew that she’d fare much better With my not being there.

12.

This was a scary lesson for me About life and love − And crossing cultures. *****

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