A Beautiful Painful Journey Chan Qian Hui
A Beautiful Painful Journey
A Beautiful Painful Journey Chan Qian Hui
CQH Publications
First published in Kuala Lumpur by CQH Publications Sdn Bhd Copyright Š Chan Qian Hui 2020 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior permission of the publisher. Chan Qian Hui Email: cqjessica@gmail.com ISBN: 0334447 Typeset in: Bluu Next, Univers, Compagnon Paper: Designed and illustrations by Chan Qian Hui
Contents Journey of a certain heartbreak
01
Eye of the Storm
04
Silver Lining
09
Along with the Wind
15
It’s in those moments, we find solace.
1
Journey of a certain heartbreak
To some, it’s trudging down the Sahara Desert alone with no water. To some, it’s the pain of plucking out the torn feathers from their wings. To some, it’s a matter of surviving the deep sea bottom. Not all heartbreaks are the same. Analogy after analogy, so many renditions of heartbreaks have been told but not all of them heard. Every experience is different and unique to the individual, which makes every song, book and film different.1 There is of course, no one person who can understand the pain of each and every whole of a heartbreak there is, it all lies in the bits and pieces of someone else’s story that we see ourselves in, and it’s in those moments, we find solace. So here I am today, sharing the journey of my own heartbreak. It may not be as dramatic or angsty as any romantic drama, but to me it’s the most beautiful yet painful journey I’ve been through. Plus, if my bits and pieces can lift the pain off someone’s heart today, bring a smile to their faces, then it’s a story worth telling. 1. “Each person’s heart breaks in it’s own way, every cure will be different, but there are some things we all need. Before anything else, we need to feel safe.” - Erica Bauermeister
2
The world went silent, so, so silent.
Eye of the Storm
“What are you going to do now?” I muttered to myself. Just a while ago, the room was filled with screams and shouts so loud, it was as if a meteor struck the Earth, bringing the entire city with it’s massive shock waves. Everything flipped upside down, glass shards everywhere, holes in the walls and damaged chairs, but nothing was broken.1 I stood there, trying to process whatever had just happened. My mind blanked out as I watched myself slowly dissolve away. I’ve been the ‘good girl’ my whole life. Never strayed from any of the standard “Asian family rules” I studied hard and scored good grades, obeyed and respected my elders. I even followed a strict curfew and came home before the assigned time. This goes without saying but dating was, obviously, way off the list. “Why?”I don’t know either. To protect myself from the dangers of the world out there, I guess? They never told me. Of course, a cage would not keep a bird from the temptations of chasing after the sky. In the end, I leaped into a relationship desperate for love. I was longing, yearning for comfort. I sincerely thought I could just be happy like this and live a simple life forever. We were flying and it felt too good to be true. I thought I could prove that I was capable of being in a stable relationship and get approval but, oh how naïve I was. The cold steel bars gave me a hard hit on the face, waking my senses as I realized the reality i’m in. I was never out of the cage in the first place. I could not even laugh at my pitiful self. There was no freedom from the beginning. The world went silent, so, so silent. And I was still standing there. It was the first time I finally understood the cold reality I was in. Everything happened so quickly and ended even quicker. I don’t know if I was trying to accept reality or question my next move. Maybe I was regretting my decisions. I didn’t know. Time in that moment was frozen and when I finally came back to my senses, I was already drowning in my own tears. 1. As much as I wanted to throw a tantrum or release all the pent up emotions by breaking everything in sight, I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength to create a mess further, nor the courage to rebel or to simply, express myself.
4
2. It’s said that once you apply paint to a canvas, no matter how much you try to rub it off, it will never revert back to its original blank white colour. There will always be this faint trace of grey pigment left on the canvas. Isn’t it strange? No matter how much you try to cover up your past mistakes, what’s done is already done.
Someone once told me that the first 14 days of a breakup is called the ‘grey phase’. Why grey? Well the explanation is this imagine you are working on a painting. You colour it with all sorts of colours from your wildest imaginations. You work on it no matter rain or shine, paint tracing all over your bare foot and smudges across your face. Then comes a black thunderstorm. Whoosh! It goes, washing away all the paint on your canvas in a flash. The rain eventually stops and the canvas is soaked with black rain. When it dries up, all you’re left with is nothing but a grey canvas.2 The grey phase is a compilation of all the cliché moments you often see on social media and hear in songs about heartbreaks. Those Instagram posts with quotes from some random stranger could have not been any more relatable. Those poems I found online resonated with my feelings so well. Even the songs that I’ve always thought were excessively sentimental, started to feel different. “Wow, those lyrics could not have hit any harder,” was all I could think. Funny thing is, grey, being a neutral colour, not black nor white, in between blurry and numbed emotions during my grey phase, what I remembered mostly was about the pain. I remember how painfully swollen my eyes were. I’d wake up with puffy eyes and sometimes it even affects my vision. I’d cry myself to sleep every night and would still wake up crying. There’s also this strange, indescribable feeling of agony that I experienced throughout this phase. It felt as if millions of pins and needles were stabbing into my heart. It was so painful that I just wished I could grab a knife and pierce it through my heart to stop the pain. I hate to admit it but I still feel that pain today.
5
. y a
t ’ n
t s u
It
go
aw
wo
j
6
During that phase, I was truly scared of people. I told nobody about the news. I feared what they would say to me. I feared their gazes. I would hyperventilate too sometimes if I was alone in a crowd. I wasn’t scared from not knowing what they would say, I was scared because I knew. “What happened?” “Who said it first?” “When did it happen?” Honestly, they weren’t worried about me, they were just curious about the story. Just the thought of those words disgust me. All I wanted was to hide in my room, switch off all the lights, and shut the door as tight as possible.3 I sat in the corner of my room, thinking about how the darkness would consume me day by day until I eventually would become one with it. I was utterly hopeless. Then, a small streak of light creeped into the dark room.
3. I shut the door to my room, and also the door to my heart.
Silver Lining Everyone has friends. Some may have many, some may have little, some would have what you’d call “fakes” but friends who would willingly barge into your house to save you are hard to come by. I always thought myself lucky to have the two best friends in my life. Three of us study different courses, in different universities, at different countries, hence we don’t get to meet up often. Yet, our bond is still as strong as ever thanks to the trustworthy relationship among us. I can go on and on in detail about how great they are, but all in all, I’m grateful for all they did for me when I was going through this heartbreak. I grew a phobia towards all sorts of meetings and hangouts during my grey phase. My friends were worried but I just did not have enough courage to face them. I didn’t want their image of me to change because of how I acted. I didn’t like the idea of me crying in front of them. I wanted them to keep this bubbly image of mealways happy and optimistic. I rejected all of their invitations with excuses like ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I’m tired’. Day after day, these excuses piled up in my chat box together with feelings of guilt. I thought maybe they would give up and go on with their lives. Instead, what I got was them unexpectedly barging into my house. 9
10
“Hey, I made pancakes. I’ll come over and give you some.” A message popped up in my notifications. 10 minutes later, they were standing outside my gate waving a small blue container filled with pancakes- some of them half-burnt. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by their sudden visit. It was kind of uncomfortable even, to have to walk out of my room in a sudden but it did put a smile on my face. “It tastes better with honey,” she said, pointing at the container in my hands. “Make sure you eat it fresh!!” I left it on the dining table after she left. Honestly, I wasn’t entirely in the mood for pancakes. I managed to have a little piece and although it tasted a little bland, I felt warmth- something that I thought was long gone. That piece of pancake was the light into my dark room.1 They guided me out of the room and welcomed me with warmth and smiles. To my friends, thank you. Thank you for bringing me out, thank you for staying close the whole time and thank you for not giving up on me. I will never be able to express how thankful I am to have you two as my friends.
1. It was that pancake that became a sweet excuse for them to barge into my house without warning. If they came without the pancake, I would probably have not gone out of my room.
11
That piece of pancake was the light into my dark room
15
Along with the wind After my breakup, I realized that I was noticing the sky more often than usual. My attention no longer lingered on a single face as the vast blue skies broadened my horizons. I personally have always loved sunsets. It lasts only a few hours, the most magical moment in a day where the skies are tainted with a golden yellow hue, sometimes with a tinge of dark orange or even pink. “Today’s sunset will never come again” was what I would think to myself ever since I started paying attention to every sunset. And as I admire the scenery, I feel regret burning deep down within me. I regretted not taking more notice on sunsets previously, lamented the fact that I might have missed some of the most beautiful sunsets without even realizing. One time in my aunt’s house, I sat and watched as the yellow glow of the sun slowly meld together with the dark blue sky. The soft light seeped through the living room window and shined on my skin. It was a beautiful scene, almost too beautiful to be real, until it started to rain. The sudden downpour surprised me, yet I was fascinated by it. Watching the water stream down the roof against 16
the yellow sky, it came to me that things work like a downpour. Even for sunsets. It comes and goes without a warning, and once it’s gone, all that is left is the past. Was I really regretting the things I’ve missed out during my relationship? No. I regretted the small things that I took for granted. A simple hour together, a car ride, a meal, bit by bit pieced into the precious memory that we share. A healed wound might not hurt anymore, but the scar stays. A relationship as fragile as a vase, once broken, mend the cracks all you want but we know it will not be the same as it was before. I knew clearly that even if we do get back together someday, things would be different. Yet I can’t deny the me that is still grasping onto the hopes of seeing that sunset again. I know it’s a foolish dream. I know it better than anybody else. Reality is cold and imagination comforts us with sweet dreams and warm pillows. I saw you cry for the first time that day. You told me you have not cried in years and the very sight of you crying right in front of me shattered my heart. You were lost too. You were afraid. You took the step out first to put blame on yourself so it would hurt me less but my heart aches even more watching you carry the weight on your shoulders. Until today, the words you said to me still rings clear in my ears- the promise we made together. 17
“I’m sorry.” “Please don’t wait for me, I won’t wait for you too.” “I can’t guarantee you that I will be here forever.” “And I can’t bear the sight of you waiting for me like this forever.” “You deserve someone better out there, someone who will truly give you happiness.” “So, please set sail and find the love you truly deserve.”
18
t o N
use I could a c n’ be ild a bo u at, b
If I were in a game right now, I would say I’m in a survival game alone at a no man’s island. My ultimate task would be to build a boat and set sail into the vast sea. I could choose to stay on this island forever, but the resources are limited and I can’t survive forever on my own. Of course, this is just a metaphor and nope I’m not trying to be Bear Grylls. But let’s just say i’m in the game, I would probably still be stuck at the island. Not because I couldn’t build a boat, but my fear of the waves. I would be constantly worrying about the waves crashing my boat. What if I ended up on another random island and have to start all over again? The chances of that possibility scares me. Even if the calculated risks were close to zero, I would still immediately abandon the very thought of leaving the island.
’t
but
my fea r of the w aves .
“I’m not sure if I’m ready to sail out again.” “So are you just going to stay here forever?”
21
These two conflicting sentences circle around my mind endlessly. In the end, I’m blaming myself for not having enough courage to move on. I wished someone could’ve given me a push, or maybe someone out there who would come find me, bring me out. Truthfully, I know the answer I need. I need to learn to walk out from the island by myself. I need to stop depending on others and find my own self-worth. Of course, it is always easier said than done. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to take the easy way out in order to feel less responsible about my own choices, and wait for the day that I get fed up and drown myself in the sea. But no. I’m more than that.
It’s surprisingly normal to find it difficult to make a decision no matter big or small. We often worry about the consequences so much that it clouds our judgements unconsciously.
22
It’s never easy to move on. It’s never easy to be independent. The first step is tough, much tougher than you’d imagine. It’s not something you can easily choose to learn from experience. Nobody would want to experience that journey all over again. Nobody would leap into a relationship waiting for it’s end. In fact, they cling onto every hope available that someday, maybe one day the person they love would realize how important the relationship is to them. That one day they would start appreciating their partner, and not leave. We wouldn’t know. What made my relationship hard was the brittle cold floor that could be crushed by my parents in a matter of seconds, easily, way too easily. Years of relationship gone in an instant, and there would be nothing left to hold us up, sending us falling deep, deep into the abyss. That sort of fear haunts me. I witnessed the very moment the relationship I held so dear, getting destroyed while I stood there, helpless. It wasn’t a choice. There wasn’t a choice. I do not even have the right to stand up for myself. I gaze across the vast sea once again. The waves continue to roar, the breeze bellowing, and the sky is still the same grey sky. No matter how long I hesitate, question myself, the nature of things will remain. What is meant to be there will always be there, the only thing that I can change is myself. All I need is that one flicker of hope, somewhere inside me- a “maybe” or a “what if” that would give a little bit of hope to my tomorrow. With that, I smile at the incoming waves as I pull out the boat that I’ve been hiding for a very long time, and I push myself out into the sea, huge waves crashing against the sandy shores behind me. I look back at the island for one last time, “bon voyage” I say and turn my head to face the sea ahead, no longer looking back. Set sail my dear, go explore the world you’ve never seen before.
23
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25
Life is a long, long journey. Heartbreak is just one of the many encounters and obstacles you will face. Like the lines scribbled across the white board of my old math class- some lines never meet, whereas some are meant to only meet once and never again. Whatever the equation, your line will eventually come together with another line. Instead of focusing and waiting eagerly for that one line, why not appreciate the people around you now? Instead of waiting blindly for the future, why not take the chance to create the best version of yourself? After all, it’s the present that changes the future. To all the people on their own journeys in life, whether it’s a heartbreak journey or not, I wish you all the best. It will get better.
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References Bauermeister, E. (2020). Erica Bauermeister Quotes. Retrieved from Good Reads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/ quotes/702360.Erica_Bauermeister Landezine. (2019). Landscape Architecture Works | Landezine. Retrieved from Architecture Diy: http://diyarchitecture. selbermachendeko.com/127_arena_16b-landscape-architecture-works-landezine/ Lu, N. (2020). Nick Lu. Retrieved from Joanie Bernstein Art Rep: https://joaniebrep.com/artists/nick-lu/ News, S. C. (2016). Spare Change News. Retrieved from Behance: https://www.behance.net/gallery/16861787/SpareChange-News Popova, M. (2020). Little 1: Paul Rand’s Sweet Vintage Children’s Book About Numbers, Soulmates, and Belonging. Retrieved from Brain Pickings: https://www.brainpickings.org/2012/03/27/little-1paul-rand/
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There is of course, no one person who can understand the pain of each and every whole of a heartbreak there is, it all lies in the bits and pieces of someone else’s story that we see ourselves in, and it’s in those moments, we find solace.
