Columns 36 Puzzles

Soapbox Mid-Tri Murmurs by Lara Dashfield Chloe Smith

Campus parking

Anyone who parks on campus knows the struggle. It’s a busy day, packed carpark, you pull up and there’s no carparks. Finally, you spot one you can’t get into- there’s a shitbox Ute parked in two spaces or even worse, a Swift driver who thought it was fine to angle park in a straight park space. I’d get it if you were driving a logging truck but I’m sure if you got your licence, you are more than capable of reversing, straightening up and driving back in. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a shit driver who has hit my fair share of curbs, but out of courtesy and fear of people judging my parking I take an extra minute to fix that shit.

Fix yo parking. Don’t be a dick. Xoxo

Gingko trees aka that shit smell by college hall

If you’ve ever walked to college hall at this time of year and questioned what the dog shit smell is, you aren’t alone. Fear not I have the answer- it’s the bloody gingko trees. I suppose a few years back someone thought they would torture the residents there by planting a beautiful tree that emits a smell only comparable to actual dog shit when you stand on the leaves and berries. With the wind right, you can even get a lovely whiff of it sitting at your desk - or maybe that’s just a first year (we all know one) who hasn’t washed their ass in weeks. Take a guess, either way chances are one of those guesses is right.

Litter bug residents

Listen. I get it. Your parents didn’t let you go to dunners. So, you tried to bring the dunners energy here by chucking your empty low percentage RTD seltzer vodka cans out your window. My ex-dunners breather for a boyfriend thinks you lot are a bunch of wannabes. Real dunnerz breathers would only do this sort of shit after consuming a coffin of Billy Mavs and a copious amount of Speights.

Instead, you lot do that shit after a couple of cruisers and Long Whites, after listening to white girl throwbacks in your lounge and getting told off by RA’S at 10. Maybe you were too munted to walk to the bin that your lovely housekeeper empties for you, or maybe your mummies and daddies have cleaned up after your messy asses (see above about the gingko trees) your entire lives. Whatever your excuse is, just walk down the hall and tidy up after yourselves. The groundskeepers and housekeepers aren’t your parents and other residents think it looks like shit. I mean for fucks sakes there’s even a bottle and can collection site at every hall.

" My ex-dunners breather for a boyfriend thinks you lot are a bunch of wannabes. Real dunnerz breathers would only do this sort of shit after consuming a coffin of Billy Mavs and a copious amount of Speights. "

Homie-grown

Anahera Harris

Aotearoa has the best music. Fact. Aotearoa has the best musicians. Fact. Aotearoa knows how to jam. Fact. This week, in honour of NZ music month, I wanted to let you all in on who you should be listening to and how much local sounds aren’t being appreciated where they should be. I’m not saying that you should only be supporting local but why aren’t you only supporting locals? Seems sus to me.

Lovers Lane - MOHI

You’ve heard of TEEKS and you’ve probably made love to his music (don’t lie), but have you even begun to recognise that greatness that is MOHI? Smooth vocals, with a beat that just screams afternoon sun, this man has my heart and I want him to know that my boyfriend and I aren’t serious. Just saying. Just So You Won’t Be Alone - alayna

Now I don’t know how she was feeling when she wrote this but she put her entire alussy into this song. The mute vocals with soft overtones just fucking give me shivers across my skin. Then the blown-out bassey vocals through the chorus. Holy fuck girlie, you know how to make a beat and ain’t no one taking that from you.

Meet U Again - RIIKI REID

When it starts… 2000’s vibes ONLY and you can’t tell me otherwise. But then you get a hit of Swept Away by Diana Ross. RIIKI just gets me and takes my soul on a journey of something. The beat picks up with some electronic synth that just speaks straight into my soul. I can’t help but just move always as the beat goes through highs and lows. Like a rollercoaster I never wanna get off. Home Away From Home - AACACIA

Now I’m not a pop girl, nor have I ever claimed to be a pop girl, but Miss AACACIA has me in a trance as she sings the titular line and captures the beauty in love. Fuck me if this girl isn’t just singing straight into my soul and allow me to feel my inner 16 year old in love for the first time. Thank you miss thang, got a girl singing “You know you my home away from home” at the best and worst times.

Break - Emily Muli

If you like Jorja Smith, then you’re going to froth the smooth and effervescent vocals of Emily Muli. Her smooth voice just screams living in South Auckland during the 2000’s, playing these songs on your flip phone and just vibing with it. So good, plus she’s just so gorgeous? Like what the hell is in the water at the moment. Got me feeling some kind of way.

“What’s shit talk?”. Good question, dad. Shit talk, as so beautifully put by the gospel (Urban Dictionary) themselves, is “the pinnacle of speech, the language of gods, a manner of speaking so complex that only true legends can understand. A language that doesn’t just consist of words but also relies on how it is said. The ability to make up a word from nothing and the recipient of this gospel still understands what it is. All shit-talk needs is a topic and nothing else.” I could not have said it better myself, so I haven’t.

This week’s topic: Public Transport. If built well, and runs smoothly, public transport is pretty fucking sexy. But in Aotearoa, public transport infrastructure is a fucking cunt. Here’s what Dad had to say.

Eilidh: I will start broad, what do you have to say about transport in general?

Dad: Well the advantage of being a Dad, is that I have 3 decades of memory to apply to this. I remember finding a book when I was a kid in Scotland (late 80s), called “Car-Mageddon.” It basically showcased a series of photographs illustrating the damage that cars and associated infrastructure had already had on our environments. Photographs of things like the spaghetti junction in Birmingham and the amount of land these 8 lane highways had taken up in Los Angeles, and how transport had become a private luxury rather than a public right. Basically, it used to be fair, and now it’s not.

Eilidh: What do you think the ‘vibe’ of transport is in Aotearoa?

Dad: The vibe I get is frustration. Our transport infrastructure is so inequitable and we are one of the most car dominant countries in the world. It’s almost like people interested in doing something are seeking forgiveness from car users rather than just doing the mahi.

Eilidh: What about the vibe of drivers?

Dad: Aggressive and addicted. Driving has just become too easy here and we need to completely change our norms and expectations for transportation.

Eilidh: I feel that. I just want to be able to bike to uni and not feel like I’m going to die.

Dad: We definitely need safer infrastructure for bikes, pedestrians, scooters, and buses. We shouldn’t be thinking if each commute will be our last if it’s not in a car. It’s really a justice thing mate, everyone deserves a fair crack at the road.

Eilidh: Any parting words of wisdom?

Dad: I think I can summarise my shit talk with two key points. 1) Everyone’s right. So we need to invest well in good public transport AND strong road networks. 2) Good public transport infrastructure is sexy.

There we have it folks. Good public transport should turn us on, not make us want to pull the finger at every passing Toyota Hilux. Thank you.

Talkboxing It is the sensual pleasures of robotic-ism that created a lot of smooth R&B and soul respectively. When thinking about my first column, I wanted to take the concept of talkboxing and expand on some of my favourite artists that utilise the technique – thinking about the slow elements that create that smooth sound. At the risk of this sounding like a playlist, please keep in mind these are just dope examples where they work best.

Tupac - California Love Obviously already a popular song, the chorus is filled with heart and hip which then ends with a little solo, igniting the (what was already well-fuelled) track. From the "shake it baby" phrase everybody should know, it's a must listen if you're into hip-hopping or just talkboxing in general. Plus, you know, Tupac needs to be in all of your playlists already.

H-Town - They Like It Slow Now this is a 90's slow jam, but the talkbox is fused between harmonising and adlib which brings a sort of completeness to this great song. You'd really have to try this song in bed with your lovers as most of these talkboxers supply that vibe - let those sensual times roll. If it does work in setting the tone and upping your game, you can thank me in person or via email. You're welcome.

Zapp & Roger - Computer Love These two are of the originators to talkboxing, even though this is a sus song, it’s ahead of its time and such a gem to be shared. With impressive solos, it still remains firm in the funk space, allowing the good energy to just emanate. If you’re not listening to these guys, you’re definitely disappointing yourself and all those that have to listen to your current picks for AUX.

T-Pain - May I feat. Mr. Talkbox If you haven't seen the 2018 video, its cinematography is beautiful, a stark contrast to the actual song, which is lit and fun – not without the swaggy energy that T-Pain somehow always manages to pull off. Accompanied by the Grammy nominated Mr. Talkbox, you'll hear the two most beautiful alien voices on this planet. Usually I'd think that T-Pain could talkbox himself, but it's definitely not the same without the feature. The song is around 6-7 minutes long, but if you want melodies/harmonies on marriage and forgiveness then this is the song for you.

Lloyd - Slow Wine Bass Line feat. Teddy Rilet The last but not least, and easily the MOST sensual on the list…his song will get you euphorically high and sweating with your partner, wherever and whenever you wanna groove, this track knows exactly what it’s about. . I have a certain fondness of R&B talkboxing, as it can't be just done with any song.

Like every other basic bitch or any person with taste buds really, I enjoy a nice RTD. They are easy to drink, easy to carry around from flat to flat, because they usually come in a handy box, and they're easy to hold in Instagram photos. Because you know, like pics or it didn’t happen. However, cruisers are so year 12 and some drinks taste like straight paint thinner. So it’s hard to know which drinks are actually worth buying. With piss shops constantly stocking new brands of RTDs and rarely having free samples, it makes it even harder to branch out from your usual lime flavoured cruisers to another flavoured lime drink. I know I can’t be the only one who constantly gets sick of the same vodka and lime flavour but is unsure about what other flavours I’ll like.

Thankfully Greenhill Seltzers (Seltzers. co.nz) has come up with a solution for that problem. By releasing a variety pack, it’s hard to believe that it's 2022 and companies are only now releasing multi flavour boxes, The Greenhill Seltzers multi pack really gives you the best of all five flavours in ten 330ml 6% cans. Making each can 1.6 standards and the whole box a whooping 16 standard drinks. This box comes with two cans of each of their five flavours, allowing for you the best tasting experience and getting absolutely shitfaced. Their five flavours include Lime and Elderflower, Prickly Pear, Pamplemousse, Tropical Blaze and Berry Crush.

Lime and Elderflower 10/10 I’ve got no fucking idea what Elderflower is, or what it’s supposed to taste like, but these have to be my favourite flavour out of the whole box, and I now regularly drink these. They straight up taste like Lemon Lime and Bitters or Roses Lemon Fruit Cordial (iykyk). I will drink these as if they’re water, you literally cannot taste the alcohol and they're not sickly sweet either, they also have a cool little astronaut on the cans.

Prickly Pear 4/10 Personally my least favourite, but my flatmate raves about them. So I guess they’re an acquired taste. They're still drinkable and I would drink them again if they were on sale at the piss shop and I was broke. Kinda taste like if a banana fruit burst and canned pears had a baby. Has a hedgehog on the can tho

Pamplemousse 8/10 Apparently this is the pink grapefruit flavour, but I’ve never tasted grapefruit so couldn’t tell ya if they replicate it. But this is tangy, yet sweet and bubbly. (idk hard to describe) Kinda tastes like the sweetest, yummiest bottle of rosé and orange juice had a baby. But it also really tastes like those $1 golden pash fizzys from the dairy. Overall very good and you can't taste the alcohol. Has a mousse on the can tho

Berry Crush 10/10 Tastes like melted boysenberry ice-cream. But the expensive boysenberry ice-cream. Absolutely delicious. Best served cold – they’re only like a 7/10 warm. Has a cool little octopus-sy on the can

Tropical Blaze 6/10 Kinda tastes like when you’ve been sucking on passionfruit skins for too long trying to get all the passionfruit out. They’re do-able but not my favourite. Would probably only purchase it if it was the last flavour left and I wasn’t feeling a box of pals.

Overall, 8/10 for the Greenhill Seltzers mix pack. You can buy all the individual flavours in their own boxes at all decent liquor stores (Thirsty Hillcrest & Super Liquor Hillcrest, idk abt other liquor stores I don’t go there) Just look out for the boxes with funky little characters on them or keep your eyes peeled for one the coolest looking boxes of piss on the market (seriously the artwork is insane) that is like ocean themed but has monkeys and astronauts in the ocean, the box just says the word Seltzers in really big letters too. A box of these will set you back about 27.99 so sell one of your kidneys on the black market so you can afford a box of these bad boys.

Readers discretion is advised

When it comes to sex and music, how do you navigate that? What exactly do you add to that playlist, and how do you communicate with your partner what it is you’re trying to achieve from that interaction? Because for some reason sending links to sex tracks isn’t the way to get some wet or excited. From my own experiences. So this column is going to be a cautionary tale for you, of songs you can and can’t use – and their desired effects.

Do: "Make Me Feel," by Janelle Monáe. Fuck. Literally fuck. Janelle Monáe should only ever be the person you’re listening to when you’re making love. Or fucking. There’s no judgement.

Don’t: “Bon Appetit,” by Katy Perry. How literal and on the nose can you be? I mean there’s certainly something hot about being told to eat up or how they want you eating but I don’t want poppy overused beats telling me how to do it or that it’s working. Breathy sounds and moans are usually the go to.

Do: “Let Me Love You” by Mario. Mario just knows what sex is and his voice is a testament to that. Please hear my pleas because Mario is just a god and knows exactly what it means to ‘set the mood.’

Don’t: " Let The Bodies Hit The Floor," by Drowning Pool. There’s something funny about thinking about back shots to the beat when it drops but nothing would dry your partner up than a fucking early 2000’s YouTube tutorial song.

Do: "Be Honest," by Jorja Smith. Bias, but Jorja Smith is one of the most gorgeous wāhine on this planet and you can’t tell me otherwise. Let me just say that you won’t be having slow sensual sex, this is for fast paces and adventurous fucking.

Don’t: “Flight of the Bumblebee,” by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. We love classical music. But come on. Ain’t no one fucking to this beat, as climactic as it becums. Do: “Woman,” by Doja Cat. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a corny choice. My reasoning is simple. Recently I had relations with a wāhine and this song empowered her and she took charge. Lads. Lasses. Come on now, why the fuck wouldn’t you want a woman on top and taking charge. Fucking hell, am I sweating? The movement on “Divine feminine, I’m feminine,” good luck lasting.

Don’t: “Aotearoa,” by Stan Walker. Picture this, you’ve just had a moment of mutual pleasure, you’re both feeling satisfied and then, “Nō tawhiti, nō tata” starts blaring from your dusty dark blue UEBoom. Nothing ruins that moment more than powerful Māori lyrics. Sorry whānau.

Do: “The Devil,” by BANKS. In that same vein of dominating, this song. Lord Jesus. The raw beats and the vocals, both mixed with the pace make for a session that’s just all around fucking hot. God. Obviously if you’re looking for a more sensual experience then this isn’t for you, I’m sorry.

Don’t: “You’ve got a Friend in Me,” by Randy Newman. If the reminder that Toy Story was a childhood film you loved, the lyrics should be enough to have you dry or soft. Nothing screams red flag like tell your sexual partner they’re a friend and inside you. Hmm, maybe give it a try.

Do: “Say you Love Me” By Jessie Ware. Tell me you’re making sensual love with a long term partner without telling me you’re making sensual love with a long term partner. Jessie Ware, while being a goddess, brings you the most important song on this playlist. Say You Love Me is stylistically different from the previous, raunchy fuckbeats but this one has your bodies moving in unity and just loving each other's figures. Don’t do it for yourself but do it for your significant other.

You’re welcome in advance for some of the dopest suggestions for a killa sex playlist. For the sake of comedy, if you used the shit suggestions please let me know how it went. I need to know if you had a good time.