Soapbox

Maybe right now the closest you get to a dishwasher is a pair of rubber gloves and some sunlight dish soap (sounds like a rad Friday night to me!). But one day you’ll finish uni, get a job and if you’re lucky enough to have an old, rich relative (good luck with that), you might even buy a house and live with another grown up. And if you don’t want to piss that other grown up straight away, you need to learn one simple skill. How to load a dishwasher so it actually washes the fucking dishes.

Doesn’t sound so hard, right? Try telling my ex-husband that. Notice I said ex?

Apparently, loading a dishwasher is one of those life skills we need to be teaching in high school, because so many people are just so ridiculously bad at it.

If you just throw the dishes in any old way, don’t be surprised and confused when the dishes come out still coffee scummed, food crusted and marmitey. I’m guessing it’s at least partly because people don’t know how dishwashers work. Hint: it’s not like waving a wand and yelling ‘scourgify’ - dishwasher stacking is a science, people. The basic explanation goes a little something like this: the whirly helicopter blades underneath each shelf spin and spray water up into the shelf above. That means that if you stack stuff in a way that the water can’t get to it, it’s not going to get clean. If you don’t believe me, there are a bunch of YouTube videos where people have put GoPros inside their dishwashers, so you can watch them in action. Go on. You know you want to.

And actually, if you make sure the water from underneath can get to all the stuff, there’s not that much more to it. Glasses, cups and big utensils on the top shelf, plates, bowls, and cutlery on the bottom. Stack like with like. One plate per indent, the spaces are important (see above). Don’t put sharp knives in blade up unless you’ve caught feels for a staff member at the local A&E. Oh, and like your lightweight mate at Bar 101 on $4 shots night, don’t overload it.

Your grandma will tell you you have to wash the dishes before you put them in, but unless you’ve nuked lasagne cheese onto your plate, you just need a quick rinse and you’re all good. When the thing starts to smell like your 15 year old brother’s bedroom, chuck through a load of dishwasher cleaner. Or if you’re feeling all smug and organic you can achieve a similar result with a cup of vinegar and a sprinkle of baking soda.

Look, it’s just not that fucking hard, all right? You’ve a university student; put some of those brain cells to use and make your mum proud.

" If you just throw the dishes in any old way, don’t be surprised and confused when the dishes come out still coffee scummed, food crusted and marmitey. "