— 1972 Nexus Issue 4
Editor-in-Chief
Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz
Lead Creative
Stien Huizenga design@nexusmag.co.nz
Deputy Editors
Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz
Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz
Staff Writers
Yashanshi Kala
Joel Collins
Te Ao Māori Editor
Kae’sharn Hose
Social Media
Leilani Goodall
Media Designer
Jordan Fritz jordan@nexusmag.co.nz
Cover Artist + Centerfold
Liam Hall
Contributors
Dave Snell
Kat Jones
Oliver Dunn
Kaihautu Rāta
Dr. Sex
Liam Hall
Whore House Home
Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.
Location
The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.
Printing
The Forest Stewardship Council® (FSC®) is an independent, not for profit, non-government organization established to support environmentally appropriate, socially beneficial, and economically viable management of the world’s forests. FSC® vision is where the world’s forests meet the social, ecological, and economic rights and needs of the present generation without compromising those of future generations.
If you are a student in New Zealand, you might have some good news coming your way. The government has announced a $2 billion welfare package that will increase the income of students receiving Student Allowance by $50 per week from April 1st, 2023.
This is part of a larger package that also includes increases to Superannuation, benefits, and child support payments. Prime Minister Chris Hipkins said that this was a “bread and butter support” to help people cope with the rising cost of living.
According to Hipkins, the package will benefit about 52,000 students who are eligible for Student Allowance. He said that this would help them cover their basic expenses such as rent, food, and transport.
Student Allowance is a weekly payment that helps students with their living costs while they study full-time. It is not a loan and does not have to be paid back. The amount of Student Allowance depends on the student’s age, marital status, dependents, income, and assets.
Currently, the maximum rates for Student Allowance are $237.76 per week for single students aged under 24 living away from home; $323.40 per week for single students aged 24 or over; $480.76 per week for married or partnered students; and $103.88 per week for each dependent child.
With the new increase of $50 per week, these rates will go up to $287.76; $373.40; $530.76; and $153.88 respectively.
The government said that this increase was overdue as Student Allowance had not been adjusted since 2018. It also said that this would help reduce student debt and encourage more people to pursue higher education.
Some student groups welcomed the announcement and praised Hipkins for his leadership. They said that this would make a significant difference in the lives of many students who struggle to make ends meet.
However, some critics argued that the increase was not enough to keep up with the inflation and housing crisis. They said that many students still face high fees, low quality education, and limited job opportunities after graduation.
They also questioned why the government did not extend the increase to student loans as well as allowances. They said that this would create an unfair gap between those who qualify for allowances and those who do not.
The idea of lowering the voting age to 16 has been a contentious issue in New Zealand for years. Supporters of the change argue that it would empower young people and increase civic engagement, while opponents claim that it would undermine the maturity and responsibility of voters.
In November 2022, the Supreme Court ruled that excluding 16 and 17-year-olds from voting was a breach of the Bill of Rights Act and amounted to unjustified age discrimination. However,
Hamilton is one of New Zealand’s fastest-growing cities, but it is also facing a cost-of-living crisis that is affecting many residents. Rental prices in Hamilton have soared in recent years, as demand for housing outstrips supply. According to Trade Me Property, the median weekly rent for a three-bedroom house in Hamilton was $550 in January 2023, up 10% from a year ago. This means that a typical family would need to spend more than 30% of their income on rent alone.
The high cost of housing is not the only challenge for Hamiltonians. The city is also feeling the impact of inflation, which reached 5.2% in December 2021, the highest rate in three decades. This means that everyday expenses such as food, transport, utilities and health care have become more expensive, putting pressure on household budgets. Some people are having to skip meals, cut back on essentials or borrow money to cope with the rising costs.
The government has announced some measures to help ease the cost-of-living crisis, such as increasing benefits and subsidies, raising the minimum wage and investing in public housing. However, these may not be enough to address the underlying issues of low wages, high taxes and limited supply of affordable housing. Hamilton needs more long-term solutions to ensure that its residents can enjoy a decent quality of life without being burdened by financial stress.
The 95th Academy Awards were held on Sunday, March 12, 2023 at the Dolby Theatre at Ovation Hollywood. The ceremony was hosted by comedian Jimmy Kimmel, who made jokes about his previous controversies and apologised for them several times.
The big winner of the night was Everything Everywhere All at Once, a sci-fi comedy starring Michelle Yeoh as a ChineseAmerican woman who experiences multiple realities. The film won six Oscars, including best picture, best actress for Yeoh, best supporting actor for Ke Huy Quan (who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom), best director for Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert (the duo behind Swiss Army Man), and best original screenplay.
Other notable winners included Brendan Fraser, who made a comeback with his performance as an obese recluse in The Whale; Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio, which won best animated feature; Navalny, a documentary about the Russian opposition leader who survived a poisoning attempt; and RRR, an Indian epic that won best original song for its catchy tune “Rise Roar Revolt”.
The ceremony also featured some surprises and snubs: All Quiet on the Western Front, a German remake of the classic war film, won four technical awards but lost best international feature film to another war film; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever won only one award for best costume design despite being nominated for eight; Avatar: The Way of Water won best visual effects but was not nominated for any other category; and Top Gun: Maverick won best sound but was booed by some audience members who thought it was too loud.
The plaintiff, Marcus Silva filed a lawsuit against three women for helping his ex-wife obtain abortion pills. Filing the lawsuit on Thursday 9th March 2023, Silva alleges these three Texas women are liable for the wrongful death because they helped his wife at the time terminate her pregnancy in July 2022. His civil lawsuit is seeking damages for $1 million dollars against each woman.
Last year, the Supreme Court of the United States overturned Roe v. Wade, in June 2022, eliminating federal abortion rights. Texas is one of the many states that has enforced a total ban on abortion, so in the eye of the law, these women can be held liable. The ruling of Roe v. Wade establishes that “it is illegal to ‘aid or abet’ abortions in Texas,” and the lawsuit claims defendants, Jackie Noyola, Amy Carpenter and Aracely Garcia did exactly as such.
Silva litigates that, “Defendants Noyola, Carpenter, and Garcia all knew that they were aiding or abetting a self-managed abortion, which is a wrongful act and a criminal act of murder under Texas law."
While the three women are taken to Court, Brittni Silva, who divorced her husband in February, according to the lawsuit, is not a defendant and is exempt from criminal or civil liability under the state law.
Screenshots of the text messages between Brittni Silva, Noyola and Carpenter, are attached as exhibitions in the court documents to strengthen the case. The messages show discussion of Silva’s pregnancy and her desire to get abortion pills in Texas. The two defendants Noyola and Carpenter had offered links to website where people can order the two-pill regiment. The two women also offered to let Silva self-manage her abortions at their homes, according to the screenshots of their conversation. The third defendant, Garcia, as the lawsuit alleges, facilitated the delivery of the pills to Houston.
A status hearing of the case has been scheduled for June 8.
Stacey Reriti, a 38 year old woman, serving her decade-long sentence requests for extension in order to continue her trauma counselling in prison.
Stacey was found guilty in 2015 on six charges of sexual violation by unlawful sexual connection, and one of an indecent act on a minor. Stacey was a deputy principal at Natone Park School in Porirua when she committed the offences between 2012 and 2014.
The boy was about 10 years old when Stacey started kissing him and further escalated to having sexual intercourse in her car and a motel with the boy. During the 2015 trial, the court heard how Stacey had given the young boy a cell phone to send intimate photos and texts messages during the three years of the offending taking place.
The Crown Prosecutor informed that the victim’s father was extremely unwell at the time of the abuse and shortly after had died. Stacey took advantage of the poor boy’s emotional state and had manipulated the situation for her own emotional and sexual benefit.
Justice Mark Woolford, who proceeded over the trial revealed that the sexually explicit text messages she sent the boy “disgusted him” and “he felt sick at what you said to him, and realising how you had controlled and manipulated him.” Justice further added, “you told him you loved him. You also requested naked pictures of him.” The Court heard that if the boy didn’t do as he was commanded, Stacey would threaten to report him to the police. "You have ruined that trust and have caused the victim to be suspicious of female teachers generally," said Justice Woolford.
The victim is now in his early 20s, dealing with lifelong trauma. While the victim is struggling, Stacey’s statutory release date is April 2026.
I’m going to miss the fellow (wannabe) Vogue runway models criticising the Kardashian’s clothes at Met but it’s about damn time. It’s time we see someone natural walking up and down those stairs. Like Thing. Even he’s natural. Not two dementors from the #MetGala2021.
Unlike other cowards who stayed silent, Jimmy Kimmel roasts Will Smith at Oscars for a new ‘no slapping’ policy. It was believable until he mentioned Spiderman who’d protect him. The older one. Andrew Garfield. The one who couldn’t save Gwen.
It’s one thing to have an accidental baby and another to spend extra money and send it to a private school. Last week, daddy’s litter argued with a Uni student to overturn her adjudication after a debate. The only thing these rug rats are busy turning now is their pages worth of apology.
I’m all about ‘you do you’ but not literally. In the Hindu tradition, to offset the evil influence of the orange planet—where I wished every single boy lived in, yes, Mars—a woman should marry a banana tree before she marries a human. At least it’s a banana tree.
For all you people who think test cricket is boring, you are wrong. You’ve been proven so by the Black Caps, yet again, who have managed to pull out another tight win. On the last ball against Sri Lanka, Kane ‘Steady the Ship’ Williamson managed to be a fast little man and avoid being run out, steering New Zealand to a 1 run win. Clutch. This is coming off of Neil Wagner’s heroics against England, who pulled up the middle finger to ‘bAz BaLl’ and cleaned England’s batters with four wickets on the last day.
Ha ha. Ok Arsenal, jokes over now. You can start losing again and go back to being the punch line of every football joke. Seriously. I mean, they won’t actually win the league, right? Right? As of writing this they’re 5 points clear of second place and it’s getting scary. Unless, you're an Arsenal fan. They have one of the youngest teams in the Premier League and they’re still doing amazing so respect, I guess. But stop now. Seriously.
I herald from the land of the red and black so it pains me to write this but man we suck at the moment. With a recent 25-24 loss to Fijian Drua, a team we beat by 58 points in 2022, it's really not looking great. Now this is a personal plea with the coach Scott Robertson, please win against the Blues. This isn’t about my TAB account, this is about my pride. I’m being bullied
relentlessly because everybody wants us to lose and we are. Form is temporary, class is permanent, aye Scott? By the time this comes out we’ll know the result, so if the unthinkable happens please leave me be.
Meanwhile, with some pretty emphatic wins so far, the Chiefs are slowly becoming the early favourites. Brad Webber looks great, Mackenzie is a pair of good kicking boots away from being the most inform first five in Aotearoa, and Samisoni Taukei'aho is making backs everywhere crap their pants. Bloody great! Yay! Super happy for you guys!
The newcomers to the NRL, the Dolphins, have shocked everyone and had a so far unbeaten start to the season. It may be their ferocious name, or their GOAT coach Wayne Bennett, but they’ve gone from being wooden spoon contenders to dark horses after beating the Roosters and the Raiders. Go the Dolphins.
I don’t like that people think this saying is just something thrown around as a joke. It’s a wholehearted, genuine declaration of faith in the greatest Rugby League team ever assembled. They made a mockery of the Knights in their first game. So what they lost to the Roosters 20-12, the extended drinks breaks were put in place to throw us off, not because of the heat. Shaun Johnson is not washed but actually the greatest player ever and we didn’t even want Reece Walsh anyway. I’m not delusional, I swear. Book ya tickets to the finals, lads! Go the Warriors!
Michelle Yeoh Choo Kheng PSM, say her name, is nothing short of an actual goddess. She’s been in the industry for 20 years, but has she received anything but dust since then? Fuck no.
Until now!
She won, the world is healing and I believe in love again. Michelle, if you’re reading this, I want to let you know that I’m single and I have a lot to offer. Nothing that amazing but there’s a lot of things there. I’ve been in love with you and I want you to see me in my best light. I’m a rugby player and I have university degrees. Yes you heard that right. Don’t ask what they are, baby just say yes.
[Oscar’s Edition]
— Ke Huy Quan made me cry during his post interview
*satanic imagery and occult symbolism*
— Doja Cat. I can’t anymore
“Fuck that bitch”
— Angela Bassett. Probably
Numberific [News in numbers]
the age of kids that’ll never quite be old enough to vote. Tehe, shame you kids
Of the 572 participants at Avonside School, 21 students described incidents of sexual assault that “ended in rape or near rape”.
The amount of people that attended the Women’s rugby world cup final. With a massive viewers at home. GET IT!
Years since the first polyfest. This year’s theme is ‘mana motuhake’ which translates to creating one’s own destiny.
“Goonies never die”
“We are so excited to start our family together and our hearts are exploding with love for our baby boy.”
— Paris Hilton fucks
Oh hey. Guess you finally decided to show up. What do you mean how did I get in here? Isn't it obvious from the backdraft you're getting that I shimmied through the air vent? It was a very tight fit, at one point there was too much friction and I got a penile erection which sort of jammed me in there. Couldn't move around too quickly for fear of ruining my good job interview pants*. But I could ask the same thing to you, mister! Not the ** thing, the thing about what the HECK you are FUCKING doing here so late? Yes, I know you’re early, per the insane parameters of your archaic time keeping methods, but on time is late which means early is on time which means super duper early is early and a little bit early is basically late so you better explain yourself at the post-interview meeting. Okay, where to begin... I would be perfect for this job. I mean, televisual shmarketing? I’M YOUR GUY! Wait, that isn’t what this interview’s for? Okay, I’m perfect for whatever that is then. Given my excellent conversation skills and huge giant cock, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I am a high value gentleman. Given my high value gentlemanism, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I am
somewhat overqualified for this job, and given my overqualification, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I should be paid a LOT. Like, a LOT. Like, a not insignificant amount. Like Meryl Streep Mamma Mia Money, Money, Money money. Like the amount of money where one could, say, purchase the land across from the local Wendys and start a rival franchise because of that BITCH at the counter who wouldn’t give me the secret menu item that I did extensive research on via my hairdresser! He said SPECIFICALLY that if you say to the person at the counter ‘Can I get an Anal Fissure?’ and spin around with your finger in your nose and cluck like a chicken and give him 20 dollars then they HAVE to give you a burger burger (which is of course a burger in between two buns in between two buns). She told me that I had to leave and I told her ‘You stupid bitch. You’re the one who should leave. You are wasting away here, you need to be free to do what you want. What do you want, Rebecca?!’ She responded, inspiration in her eyes, ‘I want to start my own franchise that’s basically Wendy’s except its called Rebecca’s and all the patties are pentagon shaped.’ So yeah, that’s pretty much my whole motivation in getting this job. I would not be good for it AT ALL but I gotta help out that total bitch Rebecca. *with cum. **cum
10 Ryan Hamilton ����
9. If it were a colour, it would be beige
8. “City of the future” but doesn’t have buses that run on time.
7. Bader
6. Nawton
5. There’s no parking at Wintec Te Pukenga. Make it make sense.
4. Our mighty awa is paru as a motherfucker. Christ it’s yuck.
3. We were able to rally and get rid of Von Tempsky street. Only for them not to actually get rid of the name. Side eye
2. The main street is made up of shit cones (come on now) and it’s just slowing us all the fuck down.
1. Imagine being named the chlamydia capital for years. I know the joke is played out but there’s some truth to the madness there.
As a means of proving that cool shit actually happens in Tauranga, our team over there went snooping at the Toga Party to snap these pics. Nice.
Solomon's Gold Chocolate Factory Tour: Go and see how they make chocolate? Maybe? March 28th @ 2:00pm - 2:30pm
1 Macrae Avenue Mount Maunganui, 3116 New Zealand
- Master Kong (Fish Baos and Edamame beans 8/10)
- Rice Rice Baby (Crispy pork spring rolls 9/10)
- The Nourished Eatery Cafe (sweet treats always hit home)
Tauranga Moana Pride Week capped off with Pride Picnic in Coronation Park
That’s how event organisers have described Tauranga’s Pride Picnic over the weekend with hundreds turning up to the familyfriendly event. Last Saturday, attendees were treated to performances from drag artists and musicians
Coronation Park
Farmers’ market selling freshly-baked bread, vegan pastries, kombucha, honey, specialty meats plus local fruit and vegetables.
Te Papa O Ngā Manu Poro- takataka New Zealand
- Roxies Red-Hot Cantina & Taco Joint (Tacos 8/10 and Tequila Sunrise - the corona one 11/10)
- Clark Road Kitchen (phat pieces of caramelised onion in their savoury scones give me life)
Us Kiwis are pretty great at nearly everything. We've nailed creating C- list celebrities, vorteke's, and arguably pavlova. However, we have our weaknesses; our most prominent being casual dating. It's either a forgotten name or a marriage kinda thing over herethe inbetween is, quite frankly, no man's land. Who am I to comment on this, you may wonder? Well, I've been on more first dates than the actual bachelorette. Second dates? Now, that's a touchy subject. The inability to 'just see where things go' for more than one night out of the bedroom ceases to be the forbidden fruit of our generation. Actually, no, not just ours- did I mention it? I'm dating with my mum.
I know what you're thinking, and it's not as great/messed up (whatever you're into, I guess) as it sounds. Although far too often than I'm comfortable with, we have had the same guy go for both of us, knowing our relations; we are dating separately, simultaneously. Not going to lie–she's quite the milf, so her genuine success rate is higher than mine, but we are thoroughly disappointed with everyone's inability to casually date hence our single status. You'd have thought the twenty-year
gap would have allowed her dates to learn, grow, and be more trained in acting like a human she might want to see again. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and to make matters worse, the age gap also does not phase the people I date who are often too excited to hang out with their potential mother-in-law.
Dating apps are by far the easiest way to prove our point. The fish photos don't seem to expire at the age of thirty. Alongside our least favourite catches of the day are the classic hunting, group and BMX pictures which have led to us being catfished big time. We thought the catfishing issue may have been eliminated with the release of Hinge, which forces users to answer prompts, record their voice and enter their height- but it turns out it's pretty easy to lie, and in turn, making us feel shallow and too polite to bring it up by the time we are face to face. Let's call these dates category (A). They don't get too many people falling into their trap and tend to get obsessed after a single date. Category (B), however, consists of a dating profile of Film photos (usually pictured with their hot 'cousin'), and they're too cool for school spotify linked to their dating profile. These fine specimens will charm you, play it cool, fool you into thinking they actually listen to elevator music, promise to see you again and then disappear into thin air once things become slightly serious (I'm blaming the Bermuda Triangle!).
It does not get better in real life, either. I've often ignored my friend's criticism when showing them who I'll be meeting and used the excuse, 'Oh, I'm sure they are better in real life!' more than the number of stars in the sky, and I've been proven wrong every time. Forget banter, though; one date managed to pee himself on my bedroom carpet picking me up for dinner (He didn't address it, Nor did I, we went to dinner, and I'll never forget the smell). I like to think that I made him nervous as hell, but after
dinner spent talking about pokemon cards and myself pretending to be interested (a skill I've now mastered), I concluded that as much as I could act like it, he wasn't the one for me *act shocked*. I then went home and scrubbed the pee out of my carpet. Not quite the spicy night I imagined.
Many of you would argue that dating apps aren't the place to find someone you actually want to date, but dating in the wild is far more terrifying. What do you mean I can't stalk your tagged photos before I give you my number? It's a double-edged sword- like, what do you mean you're asking me out for a drink without seeing my thirst traps? Also, the line between whether they are being friendly or actually flirting is quite impossible to see, especially when being attracted to all genders. This confusion often leads my mother and me into the trap of attracting love bombers. They draw the line of how they feel very loudly and clearly, creating the cause of us believing that anyone doing any less is not interested and, on reflection, possibly the root of all of our issues.
In case you're thinking about it too, I have looked in the mirror and wondered if I'm the problem. I have the attention span of a fiveyear-old, and my only strategy when it comes to dating is to make the other person feel so awkward that they get confused and call it love (works a charm, FYI). However, I'm aware of my flaws and willing to negotiate. For example, I'll pretend I'm not allergic to your cat or that I like that you work out (dad bods for the win, sorry!).
So, if you don't hit on my mum, want someone who won't bat an eyelid if you piss yourself on the first date, and now knows a lot about Pikachu, I might be the one for you. So avoid the fish photos and don't lie about your height; you might have a chance- with me (or my mum!).
Jak: Liam, how the bloody hell are you? How are things going?
Liam: Yo! Things are well man, can’t complain. Happy to be here.
Jak: Do you have some kind of process that you use for creating? How do you start?
Liam: To some extent it can differ between the sort of work, but something I find I always incorporate in my process is the idea of experimentation. I never really know how things are going to look, or if it’s even going to work until I’ve begun trying new things. It’s a way to keep things looking and feeling exciting, for the client and myself. Many times you end up heading in a completely new direction that you only found from experimenting in the first place.
Jak: Explain to me your style without using any design or art terms.
Liam: This may seem super broad but I always aim to create work that’s interesting to look at, something that’s going to steal your attention whether you like it or not. I think this comes from the big idea over all, the core of what you’re making. Being able to have work that’s refined and sleek is a skill, don’t get me wrong, but you need something captivating going on in the first place. A way of putting my style perhaps is like a horror movie. Something you’re scared of but can’t keep your eyes off.
Jak: Do you really think anyone can be an artist?
Liam: Most definitely. I don’t want to sound too cliche here but art is expressive. Everyone can, and should, do something creative from time to time. The art doesn’t have to be good, or even work you show off to anyone—it’s just good for you. I don’t have the facts here but trust me.
Jak: What’s the overall goal? Do you think that you’re going to be an artist as a career path?
Liam: Ideally yeah, that’d be great. I feel like I dabble in a few things creatively, if I can find a way to merge design and art, music, even fashion? I’ll be stoked. Though even in my spare time I feel like I’m doing this already, hopefully that’s a good sign.
Jak: What’s your favourite current trend in design?
Jak: So tell me, what is one of your earliest memories of being an artist? Is there some villain origin story?
Liam: Haha funny you ask actually. I recently found an old drawing I did as a youngster of Spider-Man. I feel like we all would’ve been the same here but I was drawing and doodling all the time as a kid. My parents probably have far too many masterpieces hidden away. Addressing the second half of that question, I’m currently in my villain arc, thanks for asking.
Liam: I’ve been seeing a lot of 3D rendering for typography which is killer. Actually for everything, it looks fantastic. I feel like I’m still pretty far off from even wanting to know how this is done yet, but I’m happy observing for the time being. Besides that I really want to experiment with risograph printing, that’s trending for good reason currently.
he also said “I’m chill with whatever hey. like I’ll print literally anything.”
"I’mrightstanding
If anyone read this column last year, you might remember me talking about some out of pocket movies (specifically anything produced or distributed by A24). For this piece, I’ve decided to take a different approach and talk about the heights cinema reached in the 2010s with dystopian teen fiction, and why it needs to make a grand comeback.
I think we can all remember the hype around films like The Hunger Games, The Maze Runner, and Divergent (I won’t lie, I wasn’t a fan of that last one). It’s almost as if there was just an era of really good young adult books and their film adaptations, and they’ve left an imprint in our minds. There are more films, but these three franchises/trilogies are what really stick out to me. There was just something about them that made life a little cooler, you know? And I know that whenever books are adapted into movies, there’s a lot of details missing out, but you can’t deny that these films were a highlight of the last decade.
With a special focus on The Hunger Games, many agree that the success of the first instalment launched a craze of adapting other young adult dystopian book series to the screen. And while romance does play a role in this series, many people were influenced by the appearance of a strong female protagonist. And while I’m one of the few people that enjoy watching Twilight, it was so great to see a female lead whose life didn’t revolve around boys. Additionally, the general
idea of the book was just crazy! A dystopian North America split into twelve (well, thirteen) districts where kids are sent to an arena to fight to the death? How does someone come up with that?
We later saw success with The Maze Runner, Divergent, and a few other films, but I feel like this era of movies eventually fell off which is quite disappointing. I remember reading The Fifth Wave trilogy and expecting a really cool film adaptation, but it clearly wasn’t as successful as its predecessors. I haven’t read or watched anything recently that can relate to this genre of film, but I feel like there needs to be a comeback that really brings us back to the feeling of watching these movies for the first time. We’ve had so many reboots and CGI-ridden movies that I feel as if it’s time we have a brand new story that really makes an impact in cinema again.
Here’s a fun topic of debate, shower sex. It’s truly a controversial choice as those who love it, REALLY fucking love it. Same goes for those who don’t. But this week I don’t intend to give you advice on how to have sex but to complain about people who decide on it without thinking about the major repercussions of it. Because guess what friends,
So for all my shower sex enthusiasts, I’ll break that down. When you’re going balls deep and enjoying fucking each other, the pull out and cum every where results in the kids going down the hydroslide and getting stuck to the build up of hair and whatever the fuck else gets stuck inside the drain. Which then becomes an immovable mass with major sentience. Meaning that when I glove up and clean the bathroom, I’m left with a handful of gummy offspring and long kinky black hair. It’s not as hot being on the other end of the shower fucking. Sure there’s probably other reasons as to cousin IT occupying our drains but cum is indistinguishable.
Advice for better options: Fuck
There’s an element of risk involved with it but remember to lay down a towel if you don’t have leather seats. On that, make sure all parties are aware of where mechanical parts of the car are located. Gear stick, hand-brake… horn.
Call me old-fashioned but whatever happened to lighting candles and deflowering a virgin to continue the seed of your people, winter is coming and we need more gatherers to help push us onto another harvest.
On the couch in a communal space when they have friends over
You’re already making us all listen to the underwater applause, may as well look my mum dead in the eye while giving sloppy toppy.
It seems you don’t care about cleanliness all that much so why not spice it up and head to the humpy bridge and do the humpy bridge.
Jokes aside, please consider the flat cleaner when you decide to fuck in the shower with reckless abandon. That is unless you’re willing to commit to pulling out the hair out of the drain and cleaning the abandoned children in the dark. Happy Mothers/Fathers day.
Football. Soccer. Whatever you wanna call it, it’s a great game. The best game, ever.
First off, before I properly begin, let’s not blow over the fact that football is rugby’s daddy. Quite literally. It was the game those lads in England were originally playing when some dickhead decided to pick up the ball and run with it. Yet, for some reason, we herald this as some groundbreaking moment in sports history. I mean, he broke the rules of the bloody game. Rugby is glorified cheating and we've made it our national sport. What’s worse is they named the World Cup after the same prick who wasn’t good enough to kick the ball into the goal. Pretty much sums it up to me. Point one to football.
Now it’s inevitable this argument is gonna come up, as it always does when discussing the superior sport, so I’ll get it out of the way now: fans. Out of the 8 billion people on this globe, over 3.5 billion of them are footy fans. Now all my Math and Engineering majors out there will know that if we do some very complex equations, we can find that that is close to half the population. Buzzy as. But, these aren’t the type of fans that struggle to fill out a Chiefs game on Saturday. These are then fans who created an officially recorded earthquake in Barcelona from celebrating Sergi Roberto’s game winning goal in 2017. This passion isn’t just a one off either. Turkish fans recorded 131.76 decibels with their chants and cheers, while the loudest ever recorded rugby crowd was 30 decibels off. Point two to football.
As much as it hurts to see players younger than me kicking about
for the biggest clubs in the world, the feeling when a 17 year old wonder kid scores a game winner in stoppage time for your club is out the gate. More established player names like Ronaldo, Messi, and Neymar are at the height of global influence with their names and numbers being printed across millions of people's backs. If you don’t watch football, you can see their value in their financial worth, with all three of those previously mentioned players being named in the top 5 highest paid athletes of 2022. Point three to football.
I touched on it a bit already but football's best moments become synonymous with pop culture. Man City’s premier league winning goal by Aguero(oooooooooo!!!), Ronaldo's siu celebration, and Diego Maradona’s hand of God goal. Meanwhile, the best moments in Rugby history get a bit of a clap and, if you’re lucky, an All Blacks chant. Point four to football.
Just because I feel Jak’s gonna touch on it, let’s talk about diving. While it can be annoying, it is an absolute art form. It's the same thing as drawing a foul in basketball but the players aren’t 7 feet tall and can bench a school bus. Plus, it makes for good entertainment for the non-football fans who get to shout offensive things at the players to make them feel good about themselves. Point five to football.
Now my very unbiased score has counted 5-0 to football. An absolute walloping in a Soccer game. Cheers for coming Rugby.
Rugby is the backbone of our nation. While I was more of a physics kid in school, could one of my bio bros confirm that the spine is more important than an injured knee? Or some fake injury that those players will use as an excuse to not complete one season of soccer. I’m looking at you diving. Could someone explain what the fuck can be benefited from throwing yourself on the pitch? More on that later. Maybe, or I could just not finish it. Like every soccer player with a season of soccer.
Rugby is more competitive in higher leagues (opinion) and is salary capped which makes for closer competition (fact). Soccer is, for the most part, just dull. While I can agree that there is a massive amount of skill on show here, does it really play much into the result of the game? Territory and possession play a big part in what makes a game exciting, both of which don’t have any real consequences in Soccer, and there are only a handful of moments in a typical game that might have any bearing on the result. While I don’t always agree with union rule changes, this is where it excels. Both territory and possession matter, and both are contested in every play, so every play matters. Even a low scoring game of union can be enthralling if it is two closely matched teams fighting over ownership of the field.
I’m sure Seamus will argue global marketability but unlike my illegitimate child, I care about how my country establishes national identity and pride through the uplifting of our tangata whenua. Is this an argument against Māori Seamus? Polynesians perhaps? I understand that having your name known in homes and on the lips of horny teens seems like it would be the goal,
but how about being number 1 in a field that has fewer teams contesting them than those attending a Phoenix match. C'est la vie. Or something.
Let’s circle back to money earnt for a second. The average professional Footy player is getting between $75k and $195k. The average annual salary of a player in the Premier League is just under $3.9m. I know it’s sort of moot because worldwide averages are always varying but understand my argument comes from looking at professional teams and nation value. Explain how someone aimlessly kicked around a ball and sustaining a sprained ankle has more value than life long brain injuries and broken faces and shit. Seems a bit dicky right?
My final point that I want to make, sportsmanship. Now I can’t speak for soccer but I assume they all hate each other since they act like little bitches every time they lose a goal on the field. Suck it up. Rugby players will knock seven shades of shit out of each other during the game but then shake hands and go to the bar, sinking major piss and forgetting the loss. The level of camaraderie - we’re not just teammates, we’re brothers and sisters on and off the field.
Honestly Soccer is an okay sport that values marketability and theatrics over establishing an actual sport with well-constructed plays and actual strategy. When Soccer finally shows me that, maybe I’ll watch a game of grown men dramatically flailing themselves under other men on screen. I mean…
Ever seen those tiktoks of people scraping ice cream and rolling it up and stuff? One of those places just opened on Cambridge Road (Next to the shosha and across from the Super Liquor (Really they make a nice tricycle of shops to visit)). I went in there during their soft opening and it was cool as shit, they chop up the fillings into the ice cream and scrape it all together. It's real nice. I got chatting to the owners, apparently they used to get lines of cars out of their driveway so people could get a try of their epic creamage, and they've upgraded to an actual shop. I should also mention that I left one of our infamous Nexus meetings to go to this shop, commitment to the craft I reckon.
The ordering system works as follows:
9.5 / 10
- You go in, talk to the kid at the counter and ask NICELY for your base flavour, a mix in (Oreos, maltesers, that sorta stuff) and your choice of three toppings. Awesome!
- Then they make it in front of your own eyes and you can marvel at their adeptness, it's fun to watch.
- And then you say thank you very much, eat your ice cream and be goddamn grateful, goddammit (it's good shit man).
The place is really clean and nice looking, and it's family run so they're super nice. They're new in town, so go give them a visit and insert some rolled ice cream into your orifice.
I had originally planned to rate this film higher than a six, but then I thought that perhaps I was being a little bit biassed. The Scream franchise has for sure had its ups and downs, however I do feel that the two latest sequels were quite impressive. That is, until it came to the reveal of who Ghostface was and their motive behind the murders. For those who care, there will be spoilers in this review, so stop reading here. Just know that I do think this latest film is still worth the watch.
Scream 6 began with a phone call and a death (wow, shocking). It got hectic pretty quickly after that. I will say that the deaths in this film were a whole fucking lot more gruesome than before; Ghostface was on some Michael Myers type of shit this time. However, I actually think that more people should have died. Sydney wasn’t in this one (it was so weird to not see her), but no legacy characters or characters from the previous film actually died. Weird, right? Ghostface managed to kill off all the “important” extras, and while it was a bit of a bloody massacre, it wasn’t as impressive as those that have come before. I mean, Gale and Kirby (Scream 4) both survived this one. A bit odd I would say.
Moving on from that, I think the cast did a really great job. I love how they keep bringing Billy Loomis back to talk to his daughter; I think it’s great to see one of the OG killers playing a role in the movie. Additionally, going back to Ghostface, Scream 6 did something we haven’t seen before: there were three (well, technically four, but the guy at the start of the movie doesn’t count because he wasn’t the real one) killers. We’ve only ever seen the franchise divert from the two killers in the third movie, where Sydney’s half-brother acts alone. I thought it was a great twist to the story, however I did think that it was quite obvious to guess which characters were behind the mask. I’m no scriptwriter (fucking obviously), but it might have been cool to see Ghostface being someone with a relation to Stu Macher. That way, there would be a sort of reunion between Billy and Stu.
Anyways, there you have it. I can’t write too much, but I will end this saying that while Scream 6 was worth the watch, the ending was a bit of a let down. I wonder if they’ll make another one…
DISCLAIMER: I used milk chocolate but dark chocolate would probably be fine idk
Step one: Cut up your chocolate and put it in a bowl/mug (it does not matter) and throw that shit in the microwave for 30 second intervals, stopping and stirring each time until melty and nice.
Step two: Chuck your pop (not yet poop) corn in there. Depending on your microwave, it could take 2-3 mins, my go to is 2 minutes and 15 seconds (give or take 5 seconds depending on the humidity of the room). That's just me tho you can do whatever works for you :)
Step three: Put your popcorn in a big ass bowl and pour your chocolate over top. If it's cooled down too much to pour, give it a quick 10 seccy blast in the microwave before performing your pourover.
Step four: Mix that shit up. You could use a wooden spoon or a rubber spatula or if you're a real piece of shit you could just use your hands because who gives a darn fuck.
Step five: EAT! You might want to wait a bit so you won't get melty hands, but getting shit all over my fingers has never stopped me before! EAT POPCORN NOW!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE REGULAR POPCORN JUST ISN'T IT ANYMORE
- JOEL COLLINS
Do you have problems in your life that cause you mental struggle? Well then do I have the hack for you!
Sick of having to dig through the bread bag to get your carby goodness? Well do I have the craft for you! Bread tissue box is the innovative new way to store your bread. The design is very human. If you want bread on the go you aren’t gonna get better than this.
- Your entire paycheck
Step one: Visit your local liquor store and purchase just too much alcohol
Step two: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Step three: Realise (while drunk) that getting drunk doesn't solve your problems or even stop you from thinking about them
Step four: Fall asleep and forget all the lessons you've learned
Step five: "Shit man, I got so wasted last night I don't remember a thing! I must have had SUCH A GOOD TIME!"
Step six: Repeat multiple times weekly for ever
YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS C*NT
EASY
IF THE EQUATION FOR WORKING OUT THE AMOUNT OF SAND IN A 1M3 IS; 3X + 1 + (Y + 2)I = 2X + 2YI, THEN HOW MANY SHELLS DID SHE SELL ON THE SEA SHORE? (PLEASE SHOW WORKING OUT BELOW)
EASY
CROSS THEM OUT AS YOU GO...
Weed
Cocaine
Depressants
Crack
Fentanyl
Heroin
Ketamine
LSD
Opium
Ritz
Steroids
Xanax
Shrooms
Love
MDMA
Caffeine
Glue
Alcohol
Nags
DMT
Ayahuasca
Bath Salts
Mescaline
Tramz
ONLY LOSERS DO THIS PART
1. What is the name of Olive Oyl’s father?
2. What was the name of He-Man’s main nemesis on “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”?
3. In what province or territory will you find Canada’s tallest mountain?
4. Which acid is the main gastric acid present in the human stomach?
