friends. I was never safe. The girls at my new school were all so skinny and slim. “Rinnnnggg,” the bell rang, and it was time for lunch. We headed down to the cafeteria, and the girls had their plates full of rice and bulgogi. Life just wasn’t fair; how was it that those girls could be so skinny and eat more than me? I, on the other hand, filled my plate with vegetable salad and a mere half scoop of bulgogi. Still hungry when my plate had emptied, I took my last piece of lettuce and cleaned even the last drop of the sauce for what calories I could allow myself. Then, of course, during class, my stomach lets out a RUMBLE. The popular girls who were sitting at the back whisper conspicuously so everyone can hear, “OMG, how is she still hungry after all that food!” When I get home, I throw my backpack on the couch, jump into my pajamas and rush to the kitchen. Then, I start eating like it is my first meal of the day... ‘Shut up, shut up, shut up!’ I scream at the voice inside my head. I feel a sudden urge to throw up. The carbs in my stomach feel toxic, and I can feel my arms, legs, and stomach expanding in real-time as they are absorbed. I stagger hurriedly ahead of my family, so they don’t see what is about to happen; there’s no need to worry them. 73
A wave of saliva intrudes my mouth and tears well up in my eyes. Just as I think I’m not going to make it, I’m at the top of the mountain, and I puke all over the heundeul bawi. (a humongous rock that is as big as a car, it is placed at the edge of a ‘cliff,’ a dislodged boulder that doesn’t quite fall off). Aside from the mild scent of vomit, the view itself is quite beautiful. There is the heundeul bawi, the huge swaying rock as big as a car placed at the edge of a cliff which is an awe to look at. I realize that my mood also sways from anxious to calm just like this rock I see before me. Then, there is the sky. The sky is incomparable to the sky we usually see in Seoul where there is so much pollution. The air up here is amazingly fresh; it feels clean. At the beginning of the hike, I was disturbed. The hike does not immediately cure my body image. However, it does put things into perspective. Looking at this magnificent rock that was placed precariously on the edge of a cliff, and looking at all of the people that take turns attempting to tip it over to no avail, I realize that no matter how unstable I may feel, I am still grounded. It was thirty minutes before the first set of the game. We were warming up and showing off our skills to the cheering audience. We first started by
