The Ontarion - 198.4

3. International Women’s Day in Guelph celebrates "how far we have come"

4. "Elbows up": Trumped-up tarifs

5. Oscar Sort arrives on U of G campus

Lettuce Club debate crunches on campus

6. How to make every day Earth Day

Federal Election to take place April 28

7. Conestoga hosts 15th annual Conestoga Pow Wow

ARTS & CULTURE

8. A platform for artists, a community for creatives

9. New comedy series North of North makes breakthrough on CBC Gem

The return of the Zavitz Student Print Show and Sale

10. Symbolism in Family Guy and The Lorax

11. Challenging overconsumption, one product at a time with Project Pan

The Ontarion vs. the Academy

12. It’s not light work, it’s Patchwork

13. Loud, angry, and political: Punk rock is more than a music genre

14. How controlled environment agriculture can protect Canada in a trade war

15. NANSSA and plant-based meals

Measles: Everything you need to know

16. Blue Jays at a crossroads

17. Guelph Guru Series: Brushstrokes and being

18. Plants: The green lifeline of humanity

20. & 21. College Royal 2025

22. The Great One: Breakaways and betrayal

23. Taylor's private jet vs. my paper straw Class is in session with Locket Romance, Rumble Honey and Sugar Lover Funk

24. From the archives

25. Because we asked

26. Pets of the month

27. April to-do list Club of the month

28 & 29. Puzzle pages

3. Trudeau tries for internet stardom post-parliament

4. CSA revamps board meeting communication

5. New bylaws and quotas come to Guelph

U of G ofcially gives up on students' ability to sort trash

6. Students to receive compensation for use of washroom hand dryers

A Lavender Haze on the horizon for Canada and the U.S.

7. Elon Musk cries like a baby over puppet show disinterest

8. Childhood memory unlocked! You won't believe what the Annoying Orange is up to now!

Project Push 2025: Push. Push. Push.

9. Tim Hortons' nostalgic 'Roll Up the Rim' revival sparks mono outbreak at U of G

10. Doug Ford goose

How to be a rizz king

COVER PHOTO BY SAMANTHA CHEN

International Women’s Day in Guelph celebrates "how far we have come"

2025's theme is "For All Women's and Girls" Rights. Equality. Empowerment."

ARTICLE & PHOTOS BY EMMERSON JULL

The top foor at 10C Shared Space was packed from wall to wall on March 8th as Guelph community members gathered to celebrate International Women’s Day, (IWD).

The community event was hosted by Guelph-Wellington Women in Crisis, the Canadian Federation of University Women (CFUW), the Guelph Resource Centre for Gender Empowerment and Diversity (GRCGED), the University of Guelph’s Wellness Centre, the YMCA of 3 Rivers and Zonta Guelph.

Each year, the United Nations announces a theme for IWD celebrations. Marking the 30th anniversary of the Beijing Declaration, which set the international women’s rights agenda in action, 2025’s theme is extra special: “For ALL Women and Girls: Rights.

Equality. Empowerment”.

The theme aims to inspire youth to become “catalysts for lasting change”, particularly for the advancement and protection of women’s rights around the world. The event at 10C demonstrated a commitment to empowering women and girls of all ages. The event included slam poetry, kids’ activities, drag performances, and an Afro-Tribal Dance workshop.

Cindy McMann, the public educator with Guelph-Wellington Women in Crisis, was a lead organizer of the event. She expressed the importance of the day in bringing attention to resistance against inequality while celebrating all the achievements of the women’s movement.

“It’s really important for us all to stand together intergenerationally, and for us to come

together as a community,” said McMann. “There’s probably a bit of a storm coming, in terms of, you know, women’s rights being rolled back around the world, and we have to be able to sustain ourselves for that fght…I think all getting together to do that in this kind of community is super important.”

About 15 minutes before the event began, some attendees gathered at Veterans’ Memorial Bridge downtown to rally with signs and banners. The action was inspired by the “Join Me on the Bridge” campaign, launched by Women for Women International in 2010 when women from Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of the Congo gathered on a bridge bordering their countries. The women’s demonstration physically connected them in a call for peace from ongoing confict in the region, and an end to violence against women.

The event ofcially kicked of with slam poetry by Katrina Stephany, whose words about gender identity and resilience reverberated around the room.

Drag performances from Kamilla Flores, Chimaera, and Kara Melle energized the crowd. After four sparkling solo numbers and one trio performance, the artists held an impromptu Q&A session, encouraging audience members to ask anything they wanted to know about drag. They shared their socials with the room and stuck around for more conversation and photos with attendees.

Next up was an Afro-Tribal Dance performance by Binty Koroma and two of her children, followed by a dance workshop, where they led the crowd through an improvised dance routine. As the event wound down, U of G Student Wellness Educator Rebecca Skelhorn taught about the importance of self-care and self-compassion as she guided the audience through some strategies to prioritize well-being.

Everyone can beneft from self-care. People who identify as women, however, often fnd themselves in caregiver positions that make it difcult to tend to their own needs. Skelhorn added that people in activist roles should also be attuned to self-care strategies.

“If we are not taking care of ourselves, again, we are not going to be able to do the work that needs to get done,” said Skelhorn. Without properly attending to one’s own needs, it can be difcult to recharge and show up fully to fght for a cause.

Less than a week after IWD, Mark Carney, Canada’s new Prime Minister, eliminated multiple cabinet positions—including the Minister of Women and Gender Equality. This decision is all the more worrying at a time

when women’s rights are being challenged, and rolled back, around the world.

Too many Canadian women are challenged by poverty, housing and food insecurity, access to healthcare, and violence and harassment at work, to name a few; all of which are amplifed for women experiencing multiple barriers, including single mothers, women with disabilities, and Indigenous and racialized women.

In the context of this political climate, community events like IWD are more important than ever. They send a message to ALL women and girls in Guelph—and beyond—that we will work tirelessly together to achieve a future of rights, equality, and empowerment.

The event at 10C was held on March 8.

Drag performers Kamilla Flores, Chimaera and Kara Melle did a couple of numbers and held a Q&A session.

An Afro-Tribal dance was performed by Binty Koroma and two of her children.

"Elbows up": Trumped-up tariffs

What the City of Guelph is doing in response to U.S. Tariffs

•

•

•

Beginning with his inauguration into offce on Jan. 20, U.S. President Donald Trump announced sweeping tarifs on goods imported from Canada. On Feb. 1, Trump signed an executive order to impose these tarifs starting that week. Though there were initially some delays, at the time of writing these tarifs include 25 per cent on Canadian goods, aluminum and steel, and 10 per cent on energy.

In response, the City of Guelph created their Trade and Tarif Resource hub to promote awareness about the matter and provide information for residents and local businesses in Guelph. The page Guelph.ca/business/tarifs contains up-to-date information including links to statements from both the White House and the Government of Canada, as well as providing information on how you can shop local. The City claims that about 98.5 per cent of its purchases come from canadian vendors, with 71 per cent of those purchases being within Guelph.

These tarifs have come with statements from Trump claiming that he wants to annex Canada. This has led to a wave of patriotism amongst Canadians, who have been given a new cause to value their nationality. An example of this can be seen in the “Elbows Up” movement. The phrase is taken from Canadian hockey legend Gordie Howe’s famous defence tactics.

On March 5, David Eby, the Premier of British Columbia, gave a statement about the movement.

“For those of you who are not hockey fans, Elbows Up means the other team is trying to take advantage. And if they come at you, they’re going to feel it," he said. "You know as Canadians we have a reputation for politeness. We’re polite, sometimes to a fault,

but it is a grave mistake to see that politeness as weakness. We will always be the True North, Strong and Free with our elbows up.”

Canada has taken action against Trump’s imposed tarifs in a number of ways. They initially responded by matching the U.S. tarifs with their own, worth $30 billion, targeting imports that will primarily afect republican states. These are set to be followed by a much larger wave in the coming weeks.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford has also taken action at the provincial level, pulling U.S. alcohol of of LCBO shelves and imposing a 25 per cent tarif on electricity supplied to the U.S., while also threatening to cut of the supply should the tarifs escalate.

Newly sworn Prime Minister Mark Carney stated, “I support dollar-for-dollar retaliatory tarifs aimed where they will be felt the hardest in the United States but will have the least impact in Canada,” in a press release following his election.

The economic pressures of these tarifs have yet to be felt by the majority of Canadians, however, they still pose a serious risk to the Canadian economy and the welfare of Canadian citizens. This might come in the form of infation, loss of jobs- particularly in the automotive industry, increased prices of perishable foods, and more.

KYLE SALTER

Elbows up is a hockey saying made famous by NHL legend Gordie Howe. PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

ICON BY ICONIXAR

Oscar Sort arrives on U of G campus

The Artificial-Intelligence powered robot is helping keep Guelph green

RACHEL FIORET & SPENCER GACA

Last month the University Centre welcomed a new community member, Oscar Sort.

Developed by Canadian tech company, Intuitive AI, Oscar is an AI recycling robot that was designed to change the world in 3 seconds.

Found in the lounge near the south entrance of the University Centre, Oscar is a zero touch, zero waste station that gamifes recycling. It’ll greet you, help you sort your waste, and ofer a reward for successful use (or playful shaming for incorrect sorting).

Throwing away trash with Oscar is an easy process, where all you have to do is show your waste to the camera, and it’ll tell you where to put it between garbage, recycling, or compost.

Your identity will be kept private, because the camera only reg-

isters the waste you show it. Waste can be personal, so you don’t need to worry about it being connected to you or remembering you.

This Smart Recycling Assistant has a mission to empower a zero waste world as it meets you at the fast, yet important decision making process when you throw out waste.

A modern approach to recycling, Oscar has already had a positive impact on the planet, with up to a 300 per cent increase in recycling, up to 40 per cent of savings in operations, and a 7 times increase in engagement with Oscar bins.

Intuitive AI has a vision to use AI for good, to create a zero waste world, and to create more sustainable places.

When creating the product, CEO and Founder of Intuitive AI,

Lettuce Club debate crunches on campus

Fresh, leafy, and crunchy fight to determine what is better: lettuce or romaine, crunch or taste, and organic or industrial

AMIR BENKELAI

T

he lettuce and debate club came together on the night of March 6 to engage in an ageold battle of Iceberg vs. Romaine.

The room was jam-packed with people excited to get the party started with a debate on what is better: romaine or iceberg. The room was split down the middle into two teams representing either side of the debate with 10 to 15 minutes to prepare their side.

George Dimitru, president of the debate club, started a sing-along to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song before the debate began.

Iceberg went frst and argued for how it is a perfect round shape, cheaper by weight, more sustainable by use of less plastic, more commonly used in restau-

what to do immediately?”

“Every single one of us can change the world in three seconds,” he said in a TEDx talk titled 3 Seconds to Zero Waste. He add-

a small time dedicated to rebuttals. It was accepted and the next debate theme was shared: crunch vs. taste of lettuce.

People moved around as soon as the clock began to tick with new teams formulating. Around 15 minutes later the taste team went frst to talk about how the crunch is lost after a couple of days, that people do not eat lettuce for its crunch, and so on.

Then the crunch team went in to discuss ASMR, countered that properly stored lettuce keeps its crunch for a while, and asked why people add toppings if lettuce tastes so good. In the end, taste won.

rants, and so forth. The romaine side followed, rejecting the arguments brought forth, and stating how romaine is tastier, fancier, more nutritious, and used in caesar salads.

Afterwards, Dimitru and Keira Carter, president of the lettuce club, decided who won whilst the audience broke of into chit-chat or scrolled on their phones.

After a second rendition of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song to bring the crowd to order, the winner was announced. Romaine has reigned supreme in the frst debate.

Then, an audience member raised their hand and asked if after each argument there could be

The fnal debate was centred around a fctional “lettuce nation” that had to decide between accepting industrial farming or maintaining organic farming.

Using ChatGPT, a quick story was written up, and the same teams as before debated industrial farming against organic farming in the context of lettuce.

The romaine and iceberg debates were brought up as one argued for the people’s wellbeing and safety whilst the other took on the persona of a capitalist who is looking to cut on long-run marginal costs. In the end, the organic farming team won.

The idea for this debate sprang up during Clubs Days because the Debate Club and Lettuce Club were placed near one

Designed for institutional effciency, Oscar optimizes pick up times, analyses the waste pick up time trends, optimizes the schedule and sends alerts when bins fll faster than usual.

To be a scalable global solution, Oscar also retrofts to existing bins. With three confgurations to ensure seamless integration in any setting - behind a bin, wall mounted, or countertop.

Beyond sorting waste, you can also play trivia games where Oscar will quiz you on facts about recycling, waste, and the impact of garbage on the environment. Just show the camera a thumbs up and it’ll begin to ask you all types of questions from the design of the recycling logo to the use of energy in creating aluminum cans.

You might even fnd yourself discovering garbology, which is literally the study of garbage, trash organization, and the relationship between garbage and society.

ed that it begins with a decision we each make daily. He shared that many of us are convinced that recycling doesn’t work, and that this concept needs to change in order to properly care for the items that we use and save the planet.

The Intuitive AI website shares “That 3-second decision is where it all begins, right at the source. Instead of avoiding the toughest problem of changing behaviour - we created a solution for it. This solution is the Oscar Platform - an AI not only to create a healthier building but also to empower a zero waste world.”

another, and the Lettuce Club has been looking to do more collaborative events.

“[It’s a] great way to meet people,” Carter said.

The Lettuce Club will be holding their next major event, a lettuce eating competition, on Johnston Green, March 28 at 1 p.m.

“We’re all gonna have our own head of lettuce—iceberg lettuce, only iceberg—and start a timer and eat as much lettuce as [we] can and frst to fnish becomes ‘head lettuce,’ an executive of the club,” Carter said..

The winning team of the debate received a head of lettuce as compensation.

Hassan Murad, asked “how do we measure waste efciently and also tell people

Oscar Sort is an AI designed to not only create a healthier building, but also to empower a zero waste world. PHOTO PROVIDED BY ABBY COUNAHAN

The teams debated iceberg versus romaine, crunch versus taste, and organic versus industrial farming techniques. PHOTO PROVIDED BY UNSPLASH

How to make every day Earth Day

It's all about focusing on sustainable habits to make a difference

ASHLYN STUART

Earth Day takes place on April 22 every year. While the day itself serves as an annual reminder to take care of our planet, every day counts. It may feel difcult to make a diference as just one person, but building practices that are sustainable over the long term can beneft both you and the planet.

Here are fve practical, environmentally-friendly habits you can implement into your daily routine.

Eat more plants

According to the UN, a third of greenhouse emissions come from food-related activities, and animal products like red meat, shellfsh, and dairy are large con-

tributors. Eating more plants is a great way to not only lower emissions but also improve your health. You don’t have to forgo meat and dairy entirely to make an impact, small changes add up. Try searching for “meatless Monday” recipes for inspiration, and check out Dietitian and Nutrition Services on campus to attend a workshop or make an appointment with a registered dietitian.

Volunteer

Getting involved with environmental organizations and clubs is a tangible way to make a diference. Not only do you positively impact the community, but volunteering is intrinsically rewarding

Federal Election to take place April 28

Prime Minister Mark Carney made the announcement on March 23

TAYLOR PIPE

Canadians will be heading to the polls on April 28 to vote in new Members of Parliament, and have their voices heard for who will be the next Prime Minister of Canada.

Newly appointed Prime Minister Mark Carney met with the Governor General on March 23 to dissolve parliament and call a federal election.

During his speech, Carney said that he wants to secure a mandate to deal with President Trump, and help build a stronger economy for Canadians.

Running against Carney’s Liberals is Pierre Poilievre and the Conservatives, Jagmeet Singh and the NDP, co-leaders

and it helps you build transferable skills. If you’re interested in a low-commitment experience, Student Volunteer Connections (SVC) is running a Project Serve event with the Green Legacy programme on April 16, where students help with tree planting from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Ready for more? Book an appointment with SVC for support in fnding an opportunity that suits you.

Adjust your laundry routine

Washing machines and dryers are among the most energy-expensive appliances we use regularly. To reduce your environmental impact on laundry day, consider washing your clothes in cold water

and hanging up items that take a long time in the dryer, like blankets and towels. This will help prolong the lifespan of your clothes and save money on your energy bill.

Meal prep

You might already plan and prepare your meals in advance to save time, but meal prepping is also benefcial for the planet. Planning your meals and being intentional about what you buy at the grocery store means food is less likely to go bad in your fridge or cupboard. Portioning those meals reduces the amount of food you scrape of your plate. This leads to less decomposing food in landflls

and fewer emissions. Dietitian and Nutrition Services also hosts workshops on meal planning.

Switch to reusables

Reusable items are great because they reduce waste and lower the emissions released when making single-use products. Consider investing in reusable food containers and utensils. If you’re a frequent customer of Starbucks on campus (or any other hospitality location), you can use a reusable mug and get a drink for the price of a small. Also, keep an eye out for events like the Drop and Cop club’s clothing swaps, where you can exchange gently used items for credits to buy “new-to-you” clothes.

Elizabeth May and Jonathan Pedneault for the Greens and Maxine Bernier for the People’s Party.

This election will be just 37 days long.

Main concerns on the table for this election are tarifs from the U.S., afordability and tax breaks for middle class Canadians.

Campaigning is already underway for the party leaders who will be doing their best to get Canadians to vote for them in the upcoming election.

Voters looking for more information on candidates, and how to register to vote, can visit elections.ca.

It may feel difficult to make a difference as just one person, but building practices that are sustainable over the long term can benefit both you and the planet. PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

Canadians will head to the polls on April 28. PHOTO PROVIDED BY ELECTIONS CANADA

Conestoga hosts 15th annual Conestoga Pow Wow

A celebration of culture, community, and resilience

ARTICLE BY MARTIN LIMA PEREZ & PHOTOS BY IAN MARACLE

On March 15, the Conestoga Doon campus hosted a wickedly vibrant 15th annual Pow Wow. As one of the largest in the Waterloo region, this all-day event celebrates Indigenous cultures in a safe and welcoming environment. Individuals, whether newcomers or regulars, instantly become blanketed into this tight-knit Indigenous community. From grass dancers, to friendly vendors, to warming guest speakers, it is enlightening to witness a resilient passion for one’s culture and identity.

Myeengun Henry, an elder from Chippewas of the Thames (an Anishinaabe community located near London, Ont.), has been involved in the Pow Wow since its inception 15 years ago. In an interview with The Ontarion, Henry highlighted the nuances of a Pow Wow ceremony. The attire worn by dancers is not a costume but rather a regalia. Crafted by the individual, regalias are personalized and sacred, not a sporadic decision the night before

Halloween.

The main types of dances include traditional, jingle dress, fancy, and grass dance. Inner-tribal dances are composed of dancers within Indigenous communities while Inter-tribal dances can include non-Indigenous members. The Pow Wow is structured around drums and singers in the center of a circle with dancers along its perimeter.

The drums represent the heartbeat of Mother Earth and are thought to attract ancestors in hopes of honouring the past and future generations. Henry emphasizes that ancestors do not require language to understand one's emotions. Traditionally, the clattering of deer hooves on regalia is thought to call these ancestors. Currently, a transition to bells has been seen in more contemporary settings.

The 15th annual Pow Wow showcases the fundamental need to preserve and celebrate Canadian Indigenous culture. In light of

truth and reconciliation, Canadians should genuinely appreciate the land we stand on, preserved by Indigenous communities before us. The event was heartwarming, witnessing the resurrection of a culture that was once nearly eradicated by our government and colonizers. Pounding drums, passionate vocals, feeling Mother Earth radiate through your body. Everyone should attend a Pow Wow at least once in their lifetime.

Below is a brief rundown of the main Pow Wow dances.

Traditional dances

• Colour and design of regalia can represent a clan, family or tribal name.

• Slower dancing style, swaying body and stomping feet.

• Regalia consists of buckskin, elk teeth, and shells.

Jingle dress dances

• Closely associated with healing rituals

• Regalia lined with metal that jingles as the dancers move.

Fancy dances

• Flashy, energetic, and colourful.

• Complex footwork and display of athleticism. Can involve cartwheels and fips.

• Regalia is a collection of an array of colours, with two large bustles on the lower back and shoulders.

Grass dances

• Smooth, slower dance to imitate prairie grass blowing in the wind

• Regalia contains loose strips of yarn hanging from clothes.

ARTS & CULTURE

A platform for artists, a community for creatives

The growth of FTI Studios

ELLIE PETRAK

Born and raised in Guelph, Matthew Ryder has spent years building From the Inside Studios (FTI), an independent creative platform that started as a passion project and grew into a space for artists and musicians to showcase their work. The idea for FTI was sparked years before its ofcial launch in April 2020.

In 2018, fresh out of high school, Ryder briefy experimented with a clothing business “I tried my hand at a clothing brand, but I quickly realized that my true passion wasn’t in the designs, it was in supporting the creative people around me,” Ryder said.

The pivotal moment came in August 2018, when he organized a concert called Living the Dream Fest. The concert had nothing to do with clothing, but rather it was about putting his friends who were musicians and creators on stage for them to express themselves. That experience planted the seeds for what would become FTI Studios, though it wouldn’t ofcially take form until April 2020, during the early months of the pandemic.

"A friend once told me that who you are as a person is what you'll do for the rest of your life

if you fnd the right way to do it," Ryder said. "That really stuck with me."

Unlike many promotional platforms that require artists to pay for exposure, FTI Studios is built on the philosophy of artists supporting artists. If FTI likes an artist’s work, they genuinely share it, not with the expectation of getting anything in return, but because they believe in it. FTI operates largely on word-of-mouth, helping artists build meaningful connections.

“We’ve established a name in Guelph where people know they can come to us to get their music, art, or creative projects out there,” Ryder said.

One of the standout features of FTI Studios is the Creator of the Week, a weekly highlight that provides artists with a dedicated spotlight. This feature ties directly into FTI’s In Your Studio Podcast, where Ryder sits down with artists to discuss their work and creative journeys.

While FTI started as an online platform, it has since expanded into live events. In Nov. 2023, Ryder hosted the FTI Relaunch Concert, selling over 130 tickets and cementing FTI’s presence in

the Guelph arts scene. In addition to concerts, FTI has also participated in community markets, such as the Punk Rock Flea Market, where instead of selling merchandise, Ryder set up a booth to introduce people to FTI’s mission. Looking ahead, Ryder is planning an ambitious 12-hour

day-to-night market featuring 20 vendors and 12 performers

“The idea is to have the music evolve with the atmosphere,” said Ryder. “In the afternoon, it’ll be bright, upbeat music. But by night, we’ll have intense rock and alternative performances that match the energy of the crowd.”

FTI’s growth hasn’t come without challenges. Early on, Ryder struggled with the balance between growing the platform and maintaining authenticity. Initially, Ryder’s focus was on reaching as many artists as possible without considering whether they aligned with FTI's values.

However, over time, Ryder recognized that building genuine, meaningful relationships was more important than simply increasing numbers. Now, Ryder prioritizes working with artists who value community and mutual support. FTI is meant for individuals who want to be part of something bigger than themselves.

This philosophy has led to long-lasting friendships and collaborations. Artists meet through FTI and go on to collaborate on songs, videos, and projects. One example was a collaboration between artists Mindy Sounds, Wednesday, and Where Is Luna, whose song “Keeping You” amassed over 500,000 streams on Spotify, with Mindy Sounds and Wednesday coming from the FTI community.

For students and local artists looking to get involved, Ryder’s advice is to just reach out. If you’re working on something and just want an extra set of eyes, FTI is there to support you. FTI Studios welcomes artists of all kinds such as musicians, visual artists, content creators, designers, and more. Through its commitment to authenticity and community, Ryder has built a platform that continues to uplift and inspire artists in Guelph and beyond.

Be sure to follow @fromtheinsidestudios on Instagram to check out all of their amazing content and follow @FTIStudios on YouTube, Spotify and Apple Music to check out the engaging “In Your Studio Podcast”.

FTI is meant for individuals who want to be part of something bigger than themselves. PHOTO PROVIDED BY FTI STUDIOS

New comedy series North of North makes breakthrough on CBC Gem

This show puts the spotlight on modern Inuit communities through a hilarious, authentic, and heart-felt lens

KATE HENNESSEY

F

ilmed against the gorgeous backdrop of Iqaluit, Nunavut, the new CBC show, North of North is a refreshing story that follows an ambitious Inuk woman, Siaja (Anna Lambe), as she rebuilds her life from scratch.

From seal hunts to ski-doos, this eight episode show is packed full of Inuit culture and complex characters that appeal not only to Inuit communities, but also to the broader public. North of North shows viewers that with family, community, and a sense of humor, Northern Canada is any-

thing but barren.

Spearheaded by Inuit flmmakers Alethea Arnaquq-Baril and Stacey Aglok MacDonald, the show promises to break the societally-perpetuated stereotypes and assumptions regarding Indigenous communities. Arnaquq-Baril and MacDonald are co-founders of the production company Red Marrow Media and are known for their previous work, The Grizzlies, a short flm about an Inuit lacrosse team.

The producers capture Iqaluit in a way that only someone who

has experienced it could, making North of North extremely important for true Inuit representation.

North of North focuses on Siaja’s struggle to have a life on her own, separate from her highschool sweetheart turned husband, Ting (Kelly William), while also taking care of her young daughter, Bun (Keira Cooper). The tight-knit town makes for a caring but somewhat smothering environment, where everybody knows everybody's business.

The result is relatable characters and familiar situations, even for those of us who did not grow up in the arctic. The series tackles topics such as single motherhood, identity, and relationship dynamics, while staying true to its

The return of the Zavitz Print Show and Sale

An event that showcases student curation and creation

VIDA ADAIR MATUS

For the frst time since 2019, the Zavitz Student Print Show and Sale returned on March 14 and 15 from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. in room 208 of Zavitz Hall. This event gave students who are en-

rolled in a printmaking class the opportunity to showcase and sell their prints, and raise money to support the School of Fine Arts and Music.

One wall of the gallery was

dedicated to alumni prints, while the rest of the walls and tables were adorned with small prints in a variety of diferent mediums.

At the time The Ontarion attended the show, there were over 20 art-

comedic tone.

The show boasts a cast of strong, passionate Inuit women. Lambe brings Siaja to life with her awkward but lovable performance. Born and raised in Iqaluit, Lambe has an intimate understanding of life in the arctic.

According to Nunatsiaq News, North of North is the frst comedy Lambe has had the chance to act in, breaking the limitations that Indigenous actors face as they are often portrayed exclusively in dramas.

Filming the series was no small task either. With the intent of showcasing the beauty of Northern Canada, the creators flmed the entire show in Iqaluit, which came with challenges

ists who ranged across all years of study as well as all specializations taking part in this year’s event, which emphasized the wide scope of talent that is reached within Zavitz Hall.

The staf establishes a twenty to forty dollar guideline for pieces, but otherwise, the pricing is completely dictated by the artist of the print.

Madison Dougal, a third year student who specializes in print and drawing mediums, was one of the volunteers for the event this weekend. Dougal explained to The Ontarion how the profts are distributed: 100 per cent of the proft from alumni prints goes back to the department, while 30 per cent of the proft from current-student prints goes back into the department, allowing them to keep the other 70 per cent for themselves.

Having had lost funding in recent years, the support generated from events like this is extremely important to the School of Fine Arts and Music, and hosting student-led initiatives helps to fll that gap.

While faculty members such as print technician Allen Ash and assistant professor Anna Gaby-Trotz were there to provide support, the print show is entirely student run. It is expected that students who are selling their prints also partake in volunteering in the logistics side of the event:

of its own due to the intensity of its freezing cold environment. A production of this scale has never been done here before, but the support of the community helped to make it a possibility.

According to CBC Gem, all of the costumes from the colourful parkas to the intricate earrings are authentically made by local Inuit creators, bringing them both income and exposure.

North of North is currently free to watch on CBC Gem, making it accessible for everyone to enjoy. The series is incredibly important for authentic Indigenous-led representation, and it needs all of the support it can get so that projects like this are able to continue production in the future.

creating timesheets, orchestrating student helpers, bookkeeping, and the distribution of prints.

Now more than ever, pursuing an artistic career is not only difcult, but often viewed as nearly-impossible. Events like the print show equip students with the necessary skills that enable them to pursue their desired careers, and in this case, specifcally gallery management.

In volunteering for this event, students gain experience in curation, establishing prices, and running shows, which are all skills that are necessary to have in order to work for and/or run an art gallery. Furthermore, the event not only helps to establish volunteer experience, but it also conveys a skill that many people in the arts still look to attain: working in a collaborative environment to market and sell independant works.

Gaining skills for future careers is valuable for any major. However, the School of Fine Arts and Music often receives less funding than other programs which makes it more difcult to provide adequate learning opportunities. This makes it imperative for the campus community to get involved in supporting events such as the Zavitz Student Print Show and Sale, and that support is what allows our fellow peers in the School of Fine Arts and Music to thrive.

The producers capture Iqaluit in a way that only someone who has experienced it could, making North of North extremely important for true Inuit representation. PHOTO PROVIDED BY JASPER SAVAGE/NETFLIX

One wall of the gallery was dedicated to alumni prints, while the rest of the walls and tables were adorned with small prints in a variety of different mediums. PHOTO PROVIDED BY AADITYA PARAMESWARAN

Symbolism in Family Guy and The Lorax

Overlapping themes in satire and environmentalism

AMAZA PAYNE

On the surface, Family Guy, the irreverent animated sitcom, and The Lorax, Dr. Seuss’s cautionary environmentalist tale seem like wildly diferent works. One is a satirical, often crude comedy aimed at adults, while the other is a colorful children’s book (and later flm) with a clear ecological message. However, beneath their stylistic diferences, both use symbolism to critique societal issues—particularly corporate greed, environmental destruction, and the consequences of unchecked power.

By examining the ways in which Family Guy and The Lorax use symbolism to tackle these issues, we can see how satire and allegory overlap in unexpected ways by using humor and exaggeration to make serious points about modern society.

The Once-ler and Carter Pewterschmidt: The symbolism of corporate gr d

One of the most obvious symbolic overlaps between The Lorax and Family Guy is their depiction of unchecked capitalism through the characters of the Once-ler and Carter Pewterschmidt.

In The Lorax, the Once-ler starts as a well-meaning entrepreneur but becomes consumed by proft, cutting down Trufula trees to produce Thneeds, despite the clear environmental devastation he causes. His greed represents a larger system in which economic growth takes precedence over eco-

logical responsibility. His faceless, unseen bosses (in the book version) further emphasize the idea that environmental destruction is often driven by hidden corporate interests rather than individuals.

Similarly, Family Guy's Pewterschmidt, Lois’s wealthy father, is the embodiment of ruthless capitalism. As a billionaire industrialist, Pewterschmidt consistently prioritizes proft over ethics, engaging in exploitative business practices that harm workers, consumers, and even his own family. In various episodes, he has been depicted polluting the environment, cutting employee benefts, and even suppressing medical cures to protect his fnancial interests.

Like the Once-ler, Pewterschmidt symbolizes the kind of corporate greed that prioritizes short-term gain over long-term consequences.

Both characters serve as exaggerated symbols of how capitalism can lead to environmental and social harm when left unchecked. While the Once-ler ultimately regrets his actions, Pewterschmidt rarely faces lasting consequences—a refection of how, in reality, corporate fgures often escape accountability.

Satire and exa eration: How both works critique society

Both Family Guy and The Lorax use satire and exaggeration to highlight the absurdity

of societal attitudes toward the environment.

In The Lorax, the destruction of the Truffula forest is presented as almost cartoonishly extreme, with all trees being cut down until nothing remains. This all-or-nothing approach is meant to shock the audience, particularly children, into understanding the real-world consequences of environmental exploitation. The Lorax himself serves as a moral voice that warns against destruction, yet he is dismissed as unimportant—mirroring how environmental activists are often ignored in favor of economic interests.

Family Guy takes a more cynical approach but delivers a similar message. The show often satirizes how people ignore climate change and corporate responsibility. In one episode, Pewterschmidt buys the world's last rainforest and destroys it simply to make a point. The absurdity of this action refects real-world attitudes where corporations and the ultra-wealthy make reckless environmental decisions with little concern for the consequences.

Unlike The Lorax, where the Once-ler shows remorse, Family Guy often leans into the idea that those in power will never change—a darker but still relevant critique of modern capitalism.

The role of the audience: Hope vs. hopele ne

A key diference in how The Lorax and

Family Guy use symbolism is in their approach to hope.

The Lorax ends on an optimistic note, with the Once-ler giving the last Trufula seed to a young boy, implying that change is possible if people take action. The seed itself is a powerful symbol of renewal, hope, and the idea that the next generation can undo the damage of the past. Dr. Seuss’s message is clear: while greed has led to environmental destruction, individuals still have the power to make a diference.

In contrast, Family Guy often takes a more pessimistic view, portraying systemic issues as deeply ingrained and nearly impossible to change. The show frequently mocks activism, portraying attempts at change as futile or hypocritical. For example, when Brian, the show's intellectual dog, tries to take a stand on environmental issues, he is often portrayed as self-righteous but inefective. This cynicism refects a broader cultural sentiment that individual actions may not be enough to counteract corporate and political forces.

While The Lorax aims to inspire action, Family Guy uses its satire to highlight the frustrating reality of power structures that resist change. The two approaches, while diferent in tone, ultimately serve the same purpose: making audiences think critically about corporate greed and environmental destruction.

Conclusion

Despite their diferences in audience and style, Family Guy and The Lorax share signifcant symbolic overlaps in their critique of capitalism, environmental destruction, and the power dynamics that sustain them. The Once-ler and Pewterschmidt both represent unchecked greed, and both stories use satire and exaggeration to highlight the absurdity of ignoring environmental concerns. However, their diferences in tone refect two perspectives on activism: The Lorax encourages hope and action, while Family Guy leans into cynicism, suggesting that those in power will continue to exploit the planet regardless of public outcry. Together, they present a full picture of the climate conversation by acknowledging both the potential for change and the frustrating resistance to it.

While The Lorax aims to inspire action, Family Guy uses its satire to highlight the frustrating reality of power structures that resist change. PHOTO PROVIDED BY GOODFON/GOOGLE CREATIVE COMMONS

Challenging overconsumption, one product at a time with Project Pan

The beauty community’s challenge to foster a more mindful approach to consumerism

MADISON BOUTILIER

In a culture built on desiring more, it takes the support and accountability of a community to inspire positive change in the way people consume.

A community built on taking action to work towards a more sustainable future: this is Project Pan.

Project Pan is a sustainability-driven social media initiative that encourages makeup users to “hit the pan” of their products before buying new ones. The challenge started making an appearance on social media platforms in 2018, with infuencers from Instagram, Reddit, and Youtube sharing their accomplishments and building a positive online community.

Project Pan aims to minimize cosmetic waste and promote more mindful consumption in the beauty industry. So, how does it work?

The goal is simple: fnish your products entirely before buying something similar!

By participating in the challenge, you can become a more conscious consumer and save money you didn’t realize you were wasting. By committing to “hitting the pan” (using all the product until you can see the bottom of the container) on your products, you learn what you like and what doesn’t suit you. Project Pan encourages resourcefulness in learning to use what you have in a way that benefts you.

Once you realize what products you already own and how long it takes to fnish them, you’ll think twice about future impulse buys and therefore limit the amount of waste you contribute from unused products. Not to mention the

THE ONTARION VS. THE ACADEMY

How our Oscar predictions measured up

THE ONTARION

I

n last month's issue, The Ontarion staf and volunteers casted their votes on who we thought would take home the Oscars’ biggest awards. Now, the results are in, and it’s time to see how our predictions stacked up against the Academy’s choices. While we nailed some categories, others left us completely surprised. Some wins were expected, others controversial, and a few proved that the Academy still has the ability to throw in a shocking twist. Let’s break down the hits, the misses, and the moments that had us scratching our heads.

BEST PICTURE: Wicked vs. Anora

Our team put their faith in the musical adaptation Wicked, but the Academy awarded Anora with the night’s top prize. Anora’s win highlights the power of independent flmmaking, proving that a compelling story and strong direction can outshine even the biggest blockbusters.

BEST DIRECTOR: Coralie Fargeat (The Substance) vs. Sean Baker (Anora)

We championed Coralie Fargeat’s bold work on The Substance, but the Academy leaned towards Sean Baker for Anora. His win solidifed the flm’s dominance, proving it was a standout among critics and industry professionals alike.

BEST ACTRESS: Cynthia Erivo (Wicked) vs. Mikey Madison (Anora)

We predicted Cynthia Erivo’s powerhouse performance in Wicked would earn her the Oscar, but going three for three, the Academy honoured Mikey Madison for her role in Anora. Madison’s win is not only a testament to the flm’s impact but also proved that a breakout performance in a smaller flm can still make waves in Hollywood.

feeling of accomplishment after successfully completing your frst challenge!

The beauty industry has the highest amount of inventory loss from overproduction per year, with 6.2 per cent of inventory being thrown away from expiration or damage, equating to billions of Canadian dollars.

By reducing the amount of cosmetics that are consumed, the industry can respond and decrease their supply, which in turn reduces waste. Project Pan emphasizes the conscious choice to consume only what is needed and to appreciate what is already owned.

Interested in taking a step towards sustainability? The philosophy is simple to implement into your daily routine! Here’s some tips to get started:

BEST ACTOR: Adrien Brody (The Brutalist) – A Perfect Match!

Finally, a win we called correctly! Adrien Brody took home the gold for The Brutalist, proving that our instincts were spot-on for this category. Brody also secured another unofcial Oscar—the record for the longest and most mind-numbing acceptance speech in recent memory. The orchestra tried to play him of three separate times, but the man simply would not yield. Congratulations… we think?

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Ariana Grande (Wicked) vs. Zoe Saldaña (Emilia Pérez)

Our votes went to pop star Ariana Grande for her performance in Wicked, but the Academy awarded Zoe Saldaña for Emilia Pérez. Whether the flm's success is a testament to Saldaña’s performance or the Academy’s unexpected love for the flm, this win was certainly one of the more bafing moments of the night.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Kieran Culkin (A Real Pain) –Another Win for The Ontarion!

We correctly predicted Kieran Culkin’s victory for his performance in A Real Pain. Given his impressive awards season run, this one wasn’t too shocking—but we’re still taking the win!

Project Pan emphasizes the conscious choice to consume only what is needed and to appreciate what is already owned. PHOTO PROVIDED BY

Pick items you love

It’s easier to commit to using up a product if it’s one you already enjoy! Try to repurpose the products that may not suit you, or share them with a friend!

Sort items into categories

Organizing your cosmetics into groups can help you visualize what you already have and what you need to use frst.

Pick one item in each category

Keep it simple and choose one item to begin within each category. Put the rest out of sight and commit to fnishing 1 product at a time!

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: Inside Out 2 vs. Flow

Our staf was rooting for Inside Out 2, expecting Pixar’s emotional storytelling to win over voters. But ultimately, the Academy awarded Flow, a lesser-known but critically acclaimed animated flm. Though it didn’t receive the mainstream attention of its competitors, Flow’s win is a refreshing reminder that artistic and experimental storytelling can still be recognized on Hollywood’s biggest stage.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Dune: Part Two vs. The Brutalist

We bet on Dune: Part Two for its sweeping visuals, but the Academy chose The Brutalist and cinematographer Lol Crawley instead. Looks like Dune’s epic sci-f grandeur wasn’t enough to sway Oscar voters this time around.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Wicked – We Got This One Right!

Our pick for Best Costume Design, Wicked, was a winning choice! Paul Tazewell’s work brought the magical world of Oz to life, and both our staf and the Academy agreed it deserved the gold. In an exciting milestone, Tazewell also made history as the frst Black man to ever win in this category, making this victory even more signifcant.

Look for expiration dates and “period after opening” symbols

Check for expired or unsafe products and safely dispose of them. Consider starting with the products that will expire soon and continue from there.

Although Project Pan started within the beauty community, the initiative can be applied to various industries to promote a more sustainable livelihood. Consider items you often don’t fnish before throwing away or products you own in abundance. Some examples can include food, clothing, or many household items like candles and books. An easy alternative is to read the books you own frst, before going to buy a new release that piques your interest.

Project Pan continues to be a growing initiative in 2025 that connects a group of like-minded individuals in taking steps towards a better future. With more community support and the help of beauty brands, Project Pan has the potential to be the start of a new era for the beauty industry. With the increasing demand for new products and the endless supply that’s readily available, only you can make a change in your consumer behaviour. Start with shifting your perspective, and let your actions follow!

Final Score: The Ontarion – 3, The Academy – 7

While we didn’t sweep the predictions, we managed to correctly guess three major categories. Some of our picks were wishful thinking, while others refected the broader buzz leading up to the awards. Either way, the Oscars continue to surprise us, and that’s part of the fun! Did your favourites take home the win, or were you just as shocked as we were?

SOPHIA MARCON

It’s not light work, it’s Patchwork

Prrr’s EP Patchwork releases March 28

GABRIEL BERTUOLA

F

rom playing open mics at the Bullring to crafting groovy EPs in their basement studio, local band Prrr has been preparing for the big stage. Save the date because on March 28th Prrr is releasing their new EP, Patchwork, for our premium listening.

The Ontarion was able to sit down with Prrr’s songwriter and lead vocalist, Grace Fast, lead guitar and co-writer, Lucas Williams, as well as executive producer and percussionist, Emmitt Leacock. The band, while missing a few, namely Max de Groot on the keys and Jack Williams on bass, reminisced about the process as it evolved, but never moved away from its roots at the U of G’s hub for local performances, the Bullring.

The band formed around mutual appreciation of their open mic performances, and as the last open mic of their frst year came to a close, Prrr came together. From there the band played their frst summer time gig at Leacock’s house party, the crowd wanted more, and that’s exactly what they got. The crew wasted no time and within months of their frst performance together, they started writing tunes

that we can expect to hear on their new EP. In their second year, they had the vision for the EP, all that was next was to record it.

While the glam and excitement of performing live shows keeps the motivation fowing, the “tedious and tiring” nature of the recording process became a question of how to manage the busy schedules of full-time students with active social lives. However, with help from friends with plucky fngers like Aidan Carney, Prrr was able to record the EP in the comfort of Carney’s at-home studio.

Yet they expressed their discomfort with how much self-refection was required to write and record a song. Fast talked about the desire for perfection because of “the ability to nitpick every little detail…” and while a musician's struggle for perfection never ends, the band agreed that fnding love in the imperfections is what makes this EP special to them.

In between writing sessions, Prrr was performing every gig they could get their hands on. From the Baby Garrison in Toronto to local events here in Guelph, the drive to get their name out in the world

could only be hindered by a broken GPS. Their new EP has been in the works for two years and has fnally been given the seal of approval. Taking inspiration from across the board with artists like Erykah Badu, James Brown, and even N.W.A., the

name Patchwork feels right for this eclectic group. Through listening and learning, they took inspiration from any style of music they could think of and made it their own. This EP will feature six songs each with its own distinct sound and favor. Some tracks to look out for have to be “F1,” “Veronica,” and “i just love you,” each more anticipated than the last.

While brainstorming names they realized that just like them, their EP doesn’t have just one theme, which makes it feel like a melting pot of genres for any listener to enjoy. When asked about the name, Leacock reminisced about the nerve-racking nature of the gig and how at times it felt like the whole thing was hanging on by a thread. Despite the chaos of full time school and managing a band, Prrr has delivered an EP that perfectly encapsulates the eclecticism and intrigue that some of our favorite alternative bands do so well.

The origins of Prrr are diverse, to say the least, Fast found her spotlight in musical theatre, Williams shared his roots with his dad in their 80s rock band, and Leacock grew up in a musical family emphasizing listening to “your favourite artists favourite artist”. This collaboration of talent has been working hard for 2 years to bring this EP to where they want it to be, but the nerves of a frst release are undeniable. Yet the confdence they’ve gained from working with a community as supportive as the ones here in Guelph gives them the ability to turn their nerves into ex-

citement.

The music scene in Guelph is something to be admired, especially for upcoming bands like Prrr. The group talked about how there isn’t enough music here in Guelph, so when bands do pop up there is a lot of love to go around. Other bands formed in our very own University like SHEBAD show support by getting Prrr and others onto the big stage. The bands aren’t the only ones who can show love, whether it be streaming the EP, or coming to the performances, do whatever you can to support this crew because when they get big, you’ll be glad to say you were there at the beginning.

Tune in to Prrr’s live performance of Patchwork in the CFRU on the day of the release, March 28, for an exclusive look at this groovy band. And if you want to really show some love, check them out the next day in Toronto at the Baby Garrison on March 29. The action doesn't stop there though, as the band plans on touring Southern Ontario in places like Hamilton, Kingston, Kitchener-Waterloo, and of course the band’s hometown, Guelph.

The group made sure to sing the praises of helping hands they’ve received along the way. Adam Bowman who acted as a mentor and the“funk godfather” for Prrr, Andrew, the manager at the Bullring for being fexible and kind, Aidan Carney for engineering and co-producing the whole EP, as well as Taylor Mclean for co-producing, the list could go on.

The music scene in Guelph is something to be admired, especially for upcoming bands like Prrr. PHOTO PROVIDED BY FRANCIS VU

Artwork by Chelsea Moore for Prrr's upcoming EP Patchwork. PHOTO PROVIDED BY CHELSEA MOORE

Loud, angry, and political: Punk Rock is more than a music genre

From the punk feminist movement

Riot Grrrl to a targeted lyric switch in a Green Day performance of American Idiot, punk rock bands use music as a means of protest

ERIKA BEKKERING

Punk is both a music genre and a social movement, providing a platform for protest against oppressive systems and government control. The genre became closely linked to anarchism: a political philosophy that opposes capitalism, the establishment, and authoritarian rule. Rooted in this belief, punk music is loud, angry, and expresses a deep frustration with corrupt power structures.

Originating in the U.S in the 1960s, punk rock takes on an aggressive and rebellious approach to advocate for social change. Initially denounced as angsty teen music, the genre gained traction in the 1970s with the popularity of bands like The Stooges and Ramones. The rise of Punk stretched into Canada with bands like D.O.A and Teenage Head, and then overseas into Britain with the rising popularity of the Sex Pistols.

With punk rock taking of in mainstream music, a movement within the subculture was formed. Riot Grrrl was a 90s punk movement originating in Olympia, Washington, and its goal was to combat the discrimination against women in the punk scene. Arising in the height of Anita Hill’s testimony of sexual harassment against a Supreme Court nominee, women were empowered to speak up and speak out.

As anger and aggression are traits associated with masculinity, punk rock inevitably became very male dominated. Riot Grrrl was started by a group of women with little to no experience in music who came together to form a band and start a “girl riot”. This girl riot defed gendered associations by rejecting the feminine association to docility and quietness and

instead, advocated for female rage. They expressed anger about lacking space within the punk scene, and also discussed topics like sexism, sexual violence, toxic masculinity, and racism.

Aligning with punk’s do-ityourself ethic, these women took on this perspective and advertised their message and bands through homemade zines: eclectic collages of magazine cut outs & handwriting. Their zines eventually brought together a community of women looking to participate in a “revolution, girl-style.”

With the growl in Grrrl, they aimed to revamp the word “girl,” which was often used in a dehumanizing way. Bands like Bikini Kill, Bratmobile and Heavens to Betsy emerged with their feminist and personal lyrics that dealt with topics of rape, incest and eating disorders.

Bikini Kill’s Kathleen Hanna famously called “all girls to the front” at their shows to ensure women’s safety, and their song “Rebel Girl” became an anthem for the movement in the 90s with lyrics like: “When she talks, I hear the revolution. In her kiss, I taste the revolution”.

Bikini Kill is also credited to the creation of the now world-renowned slogan “Girl Power,” as it was the title of a series of their zines.

Despite its infuence, this movement is criticized for its lack of intersectionality. All-white bands became the faces of the movement, and thus the target audiences became white women. While topics like racism and discrimination were brought up in Riot Grrrl zines and music, it was being discussed by white people with a white audience.

Despite the movement being inspired by Anita Hill, a black woman who made a brave testimony against a person with immense power, women of colour in punk girl-bands didn’t feel supported or acknowledged in the movement. Additionally, there is the discussion of white privilege; while white women were feeling liberated by doing anything that a man could, women of colour were essentially left out and left behind as they did not have the same freedom to be so radical.

So, while Riot Grrrl did make waves within the punk scene, it still had its faws.

These Punk ideologies are heavily present today, and punk rock still thrives as a tool of protest against corrupt and oppressive power fgures. Green Day’s song “American Idiot” is an excellent example of how Punk Rock is timeless. The song is a criticism of President George W. Bush’s actions during 9/11, and makes a pointed statement that the U.S news media was taking advantage of people’s fear and paranoia to push a right-wing agenda.

The band performed the song at Dick Clark’s New Year's Rockin’

Eve in 2024, and switched the lyrics that were originally written as “I’m not a part of a redneck agenda,” to “I’m not a part of a MAGA agenda.” This was a clear jab at President Donald Trump by referencing his slogan “Make America Great Again,” and caused an uproar amongst Republicans who then exploded in rage on social media, specifcally Twitter/X and expressed their distaste for bands becoming too political.

The app’s owner (and Trump’s bestie) Elon Musk claimed the band was raging for the machine, which exemplifes the misunderstanding of Trump supporters by showing that they don't know anything about the band they claimed to have loved as Green Day has always been punk, and thus has always been political.

Billie Joe Armstrong has made his distaste for Trump very apparent throughout the years, not to mention they have done this exact same lyric change at a show in 2019.

How is calling out the corrupt ideals of a political party and a president not exactly what Punk Rock is about? How is it any different from when they released

the song 20 years ago criticizing another president? Punk advocates for self-expression, anti-corporatism, and liberation from oppressive forces, and if that isn’t clear then you aren’t listening.

Punk is about being critical of those in power and constantly holding them accountable through highlighting their oppressive actions. It is a particularly aggressive approach that is amplifed by the angry instrumentals to back the lyrics of protest but it evidently gets people to listen. Though punk uses anarchist ideologies that criticize highly structured forms of government, it does not promote neglecting politics as a whole by refusing to partake in political discourse.

Refusing to vote is not a protest, and instead, can result in unqualifed elitists winning a place of immense power which gives them the ability to jeopardize the rights and safety of millions of people, and there is absolutely nothing punk rock about that.

Punk rock is loud, angry, genderless and most importantly, political.

An old poster promoting Riot Grrrl, a 90s punk movement that aimed to combat the discrimination against women in the punk scene. PHOTO PROVIDED BY RIOT GRRRL NYC

SPORTS & HEALTH

How controlled environment agriculture can protect Canada in a trade war

The growing industry can help reduce Canada’s reliance on U.S. produce, and the University of Guelph has strong ties to the field

ASHLYN STUART

As the trade war between Canada and the U.S. intensifes, Canadian shoppers are looking to replace American products with local ones. But some items are easier to fnd alternatives for than others. Canada relies heavily on the U.S. for fresh produce, and imports are necessary to keep shelves stocked with a variety of fruits and vegetables, especially outside of the growing season.

Controlled environment agriculture (CEA) ofers a solution to this problem. “CEA is an umbrella term,” said Dr. Thomas Graham, a professor with the University of Guelph’s School of Environmental Sciences who researches controlled environment systems said in an interview with The Ontarion. “The two main areas [of CEA] would be greenhouse production and the more recent vertical farm, or plant factory.”

Greenhouses are usually “low tech” and rely on natural sunlight, while vertical farms can be more advanced. By using electric lighting, vertically stacking layers of crops, and growing plants in soilless, nutrient-rich solutions (a technique called hydroponics), vertical farms can maximize yield.

“You are able to control, as best you can, most or all of the parameters that afect [plant] growth, so you can theoretically, and often practically, optimize growth,” Graham explained. “There’s not a bad weather day indoors.”

Not only does CEA address the issue of year-round production, but controlling factors that infuence plant growth allows for “quite a bit further in terms of productivity per square meter, or volume, as

the case may be, than feld.”

When asked whether CEA can help reduce Canada’s reliance on U.S. imports, Graham said that “the greenhouse industry in Ontario is highly productive, and we actually export a lot of our greenhouse produce to the States.” As for vertical farms, they have “the potential, but in the short term, it’s not completely there yet.”

“This might be the impetus that’s needed to really establish that industry and make Canada more self-sufcient,” he said.

Some barriers that the vertical farming industry faces include economic hurdles, like unfavourable tax policies that discourage investment and high energy costs due to lighting and HVAC requirements. “One of the other components is the product selection,” Graham explained, discussing that most vertical farms currently grow lettuce and leafy greens. “There is a push right now to get into higher protein and higher calorie crops.”

While CEA can help Canadians buy local products, there’s another application for the technology that Professor Graham and the University of Guelph’s Controlled Environment Systems Research Facility (CESRF) are familiar with: space.

“The University of Guelph is world renowned for our work in CEA, in particular, vertical farming in space,” Professor Graham said. “We’ve worked with most of the major space agencies,” including long relationships with NASA, the European Space Agency, and the German Space Agency. Graham shared that CESRF was “specifcally designed to answer ... how low

a pressure could you grow plants at.”

This work is essential for long-term space exploration and is part of the efort to create a bioregenerative life support system (where plants are used to provide essential resources like oxygen, food, and clean water while recycling waste products).

With so many problems on Earth, growing plants in space may not seem like a priority. But Professor Graham noted that any advancements made in CEA technology intended for space “can be applied the very next day on Earth.”

“That technology transfer is immediate, so it’s a wonderful

economic driver to invest,” he said, explaining that “we’ve never spent a dollar in space. It’s paying the people on the ground.”

And that transfer of technology “goes both ways when making discoveries for terrestrial applications.” So progress made in the vertical farming industry on Earth can be applied to space exploration eforts, and vice versa.

For now, Graham says that if the trade war continues, CEA will attract more attention and advancements are expected.

“We will come out of it more resilient,” he said, suggesting that “vertical farming and CEA will have risen up and will start to be a meaningful contributor to our

food supply.”

And for students interested in getting involved in the industry, Graham says there are lots of opportunities. After all, the “infrastructure and expertise at Guelph is second to none in the world,” when it comes to CEA.

“Consider it as a viable, rewarding career,” he said, adding that “we’re here to train people.”

So for those looking for a silver lining in the current chaos, here’s one for you. The expansion of CEA and vertical farming will make Canada stronger in the long term, and technological developments might just lead to out-ofthis-world progress in space exploration.

Professor Graham says that while the vertical farming industry has faced growing pains, it has potential and CEA is a rewarding career. PHOTO PROVIDED BY CESRF

NANSSA and plantbased meals

Rejuvenating carrot and ginger soup

AMAZA PAYNE & NANSSA

This season we are welcoming the warmth of spring, but not the exam stress that comes with it. And let’s be honest, exam season isn’t just tough on the brain; it takes a toll on the body, too. Not to mention, it can be hard to fnd accommodating meals that are flling and nutrient dense when you are low on time and have dietary restrictions.

The Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences Student Association, (NANSSA), is here to help you fuel both your mind and body with nutritionally conscious recipes, created for students, by students.

Their mission is simple: to provide you with easy, cost effcient, and timely meal ideas that ft into your busy student life. At the University of Guelph, NANSSA is working to create a student-friendly nutrition column where you can fnd quick and afordable meal options that support your academic lifestyle. They want to create a welcoming and accessible community for students to engage in healthy lifestyle practices.

They are putting together a carefully crafted cookbook flled with recipes designed specifcally to meet the demands of students

and to help you take care of yourself through food, which is why they have shared this recipe with The Ontarion.

This soup is not only great to eat on the spot, but is also easily freezable to enjoy another day. You can also personalize this as you please by adding toppings like sour cream, cottage cheese, pumpkin seeds, and/or scallions.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

• 2 tbsp butter

• 2 tbsp olive oil

• 2 onions, chopped

• 4 cloves of garlic crushed

• 2 tbsp very fnely chopped ginger

• 2 tsp ground cumin

• 1 tsp curry powder

• 1 lb (16 oz) carrots, chopped

• 1 large potato, diced

• 1 sweet potato, diced

• 6¼ cups chicken stock

• 1 tbsp honey

• ½ tsp salt

• ¼ tsp pepper

Instructions:

1. To start, melt the butter and oil in a large pan over medium heat.

2. Next, add the onion, garlic, and ginger and sauté over low heat until golden. This takes about 10 minutes.

3. Add the cumin and curry powder and continue to sauté for a further minute.

4. Add the vegetables and stock and simmer until the vegetables are tender. This will take about 30 minutes.

5. Purée in batches until smooth and add back into the pot over low heat.

6. Stir in the honey, salt, and pepper.

7. Garnish with whatever toppings you would like. NANSSA’s favourites are sour cream, cottage cheese, sunfower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and scallions.

Measles:

Everything you need to know

The rumours are true: measles is once again on the rise. Here’s everything you need to know to keep yourself and others safe

Measles is a highly contagious infection caused by a virus and transmitted airborne via droplets. Measles can spread easily once an individual is infectedthe virus remains active on surfaces or in the air for as long as two hours. Someone infected can spread it to anyone by being in proximity for even a short period of time. It can be dangerous, even fatal for small children, older adults, and those with weakened immune systems.

Recently, Ontario has seen an increase in measles cases across the province. According to a re-

cent report from Public Health Ontario, there have been a total of 440 cases of measles in Ontario as of March 19. The resurgence of measles has been linked to a decline in vaccination rates, increased international travel, and misinformation about vaccines. Health ofcials are urging all individuals, especially young children, to be fully vaccinated.

As cases are on the rise, it is important to remain informed of possible symptoms. The symptoms of measles typically appear 10-14 days after exposure to virus. It begins with a mild to moderate

FATIMA ASKARY

fever with the following symptoms- a persistent cough, a runny nose, red, watery eyes and a sore throat.

Small white spots inside the mouth, known as Koplik’s spots, will also appear. The most well known symptom is the appearance of a blotchy, red rash that begins on the face, and eventually spreads downwards to the chest, arms, back and rest of the body.

The primary way to efectively prevent the spread of measles is by getting vaccinated. It is recommended to receive two doses of the measles vaccine. Measles

vaccination is highly successful: one measles dose is 93 per cent effective while two doses are 97 per cent efective.

In Ontario, most adults are presumed to receive 2 doses of the vaccine in elementary school. If you’re unsure of your vaccination status, consult with your doctor about getting vaccinated with at least one dose of measles-mumps-rubella vaccine (MMR). Besides vaccination, it is also important to practice standard infectious disease prevention measures. This includes frequent hand washing, covering your

mouth when coughing and sneezing, and wearing a mask in high risk areas.

As measles cases are on the rise both locally and globally, taking proactive measures is crucial to prevent further spread of this virus. Get vaccinated, practice good hygiene, and be aware of the symptoms. By taking action and remaining vigilant, we can limit the spread of measles and prevent further outbreaks.

If you suspect you may have measles or have been exposed to measles, contact your healthcare provider immediately.

This soup is easy to freeze and eat at a later time. PHOTO PROVIDED BY

CAROLINE PRETTY

The most well known symptom is the appearance of a blotchy, red rash that begins on the face, and eventually spreads downwards to the chest, arms, back and rest of the body. PHOTO PROVIDED BY UNSPLASH/CDC

Blue Jays at a crossroads

Are the moves made in the off-season enough to launch the Jays into a playoff spot, or will big names be migrating south come October?

BEN SEATON

When the Toronto Blue Jays ended their disappointing 2024 season, they entered the winter months with a few clear goals in mind: to revamp their bullpen, refne their ofence, and claw their way back into playof contention. With many notable of-season signings, the Jays seem poised to have a bounce-back year.

Spring training has given fans many reasons to be excited for this upcoming season, but lingering concerns remain. Positional depth remains a major issue, the roles of key players are still yet to be determined, and uncertainty about the future of multiple players cast a shadow over the remainder of the season. As the season begins fans are still left wondering whether the of-season moves will be enough to land them in a playof position.

The most notable of the Blue Jays' acquisitions over the of-season was two-time World Series champion and three-time Cy Young award-winning pitcher Max Scherzer. Although Scherzer is 40 years old and nearing the end of his career, his infuence on the bullpen will be a tremendous addition to the team.

Scherzer’s presence as a leader should help bring Toronto’s bullpen to a favourable position after last year's disastrous season. In addition to his status as a leader, Scherzer has also pitched impressively throughout spring training, posting a 2.00 ERA with 9 innings pitched.

With the signing of Scherzer, as well as the additions of Jef Hofman, Nick Sandlin, and Yimi Garcia, the Jays seem committed to rebuilding their bullpen, which was a major weakness last season. Coming of of a season where the Jays ranked 29th in ERA (second last in the MLB) fans have a lot to be hopeful about for this season.

Despite the loss of Jordan Romano over the of-season, the bullpen seems to be in a much better position this year.

Another notable name brought in over the of-season is slugger Anthony Santander, who the Jays signed to a fve-year deal back in January. Santander will be a welcome addition to the ofence, as he hit 44 home runs, and had 102 RBIs last year with Baltimore. His addition also questions how big of a role George Springer will be serving on the roster after having a fairly lackluster spring training.

The Jays have already announced their plans to split Springer's role in the right feld with Santander and have them rotate between left and right feld to fnd the best match for the team. But, fans question if this move could hint at the beginning of the end of Springer’s time in Toronto.

With these additions, the Jays are showing promise to fnd themselves in a bounce-back year. The improvements to the bullpen should help Toronto have more success on the defensive side of baseball. In terms of ofence, the

Jays also made a big move by hiring David Popkins as the team’s new hitting coach, an addition that has seemed to be quite successful so far in spring training. Toronto ranked 8th in the league in runs in spring training compared to their 23rd rank last season.

Although spring training is not indicative of how a team will perform in the regular season, the team's ofence seems to be heading in a promising direction. Bo Bichette has been hitting the ball hard throughout spring training, which is good news for fans of his who sufered through his injury-plagued 2024 campaign.

Hopefully, with Bichette back to full health, he will see an improved workload compared to last season, and fnd himself putting up stats that more closely resemble his 2023 All-Star season. Another player who seems to be showing glimpses of a return to form is catcher Alejandro Kirk, who has also been hitting the ball much better throughout spring training than he did last season. If his aggressive batting continues into the regular season, fans could see a repeat of Kirk’s 2022 Silver Slugger season.

Even though the Jays seem to be having success in spring training and have made moves that put them in a position to be more competitive this season, many issues cast clouds over this season. There is the minor issue discussed earlier of George Springer’s role in right feld and whether his roster spot

is secure despite his poor spring training performance. There is also a slightly larger issue of who will backup Kirk as the Jays catcher. As of writing this, the only other catcher on the roster is Tyler Heineman, who only played eight games last year, and only had one hit in twelve at-bats. Throughout spring training his average is only slightly better, securing three hits in eighteen at-bats. Unless the Jays are expecting Kirk to play all 162 games at catcher, this is a massive hole in their roster that they need to fx immediately.

Then, of course, there is the big one, the one that looms over the entire franchise's future and probably will for the entire season. What will become of Vladdy and Bo? After the Jays failed to re-sign both Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Bo Bichette, their futures with the franchise are uncertain.

Guerrero’s asking price seems to be 50 million away from what the Blue Jays are willing to ofer him, though he feels that if he puts up an MVP-caliber season, he will get much more than his asking price in free agency. If the Jays cannot come to a deal with him, he will walk for nothing at the end of the season.

With everyone focused on Guerrero, Bichette seems to have slipped through the cracks. In February, he expressed hopefulness regarding his future with the Blue Jays, discussing the possibility of spending his career as a Toronto

Blue Jay. Since then, there has been radio silence on Bichette’s contract extension, and at the time of writing this, nothing has developed regarding either of these deals.

If a deal is not reached with either player, the Jays may fnd themselves seriously considering trading both Bichette and Guerrero in an attempt to salvage some value out of their dwindling contracts. Of course, this will all revolve around the position that the Jays fnd themselves in as they near the trade deadline on July 31st.

Only time will tell if the success found in the preseason will transition past March into the regular season, and perhaps even the postseason. Despite the uncertainty and concerns regarding the season, fans are clearly in for an eventful span of months. At the very least, the race to the trade deadline will indicate if Jays fans should start expecting a major rebuild. The future of the Toronto Blue Jays feels like a sun shining through an overcast sky.

As you look up you aren’t sure if the clouds will part, and sunshine will dry the perspiration on the ground, or if more rain is destined to fall for a long time. If the future is that of rain and sleet, at least fans can take solace knowing the roof of the SkyDome can close.

Then we can sit in our cheap seats, drink our overpriced beer, and wonder if the best player on the team is just fodder for another Dodgers World Series.

Only time will tell if the success found in the preseason will transition past March into the regular season, and perhaps even the postseason. PHOTO PROVIDED BY FLICKER/GOOGLE CREATIVE COMMONS

The Guelph Guru: Brushstrokes and being

The psychology of art and wellness - rediscovering yourself through art

JORJA ALLEN

Hello gurus!

For me, art has always been a way to destress and focus on a project rather than think about the chaos of my life. I always saw it as a form of escapism. So this month I wanted to explore the benefts of getting crafty and making art in regards to mental clarity.

We have talked a lot about foundational health basics like sleep, exercise, and food which are all vital to the prioritization of bodily wellness but now it's time to take it a step further by exploring our mind-body connections. And in regards to art as a form of escapism, after speaking with Art Psychotherapist, Barbara Collins, I have learned that art, although it can be a form of escapism, can actually serve as the route to ultimate refection and clarity.

“Art is how we've carried our stories for centuries,” Collins said. “Art allows people to be seen and heard. It gives us a voice.”

This voice is vernacular and art allows people to access it. As such, by engaging with art we can engage with ourselves by piecing together our problems with the paintbrush of personal precision.

In this sense, art can be ben-

efcial to everyone. Collins lists the benefts of engaging with art and art therapy as “the ability to express feelings, reduce stress, improve self-esteem, social skills, and emotional resilience.”

In thinking of the ways to use art as healing though, there is an important distinction to be made. This is that there are two types of art: art therapy and art as therapy. Art therapy involves using the art “to connect to the psyche from a physiological perspective to explore feelings and emotions” according to Collins.

While art as therapy, is used “to relax, to unwind, and to develop a focus on something other than the current life experiences.”

She noted that “both have healing powers.”

Refecting on my past engagement with art, I realize that I had often used art as a form of ‘art as therapy’ for escapism. However, in discussing art therapy further with Collins in terms of exploring art on a deeper level, she shared a collage exercise she uses with her art therapy clients, where they divide a page into two sides.

“One side is how you're actually feeling in the moment, and then the other side of the page is how you want to feel,” she said.

She noted that using art to recognize thought patterns and “the diferences between the two sides is a very powerful way for the client to be able to own and embrace the changes they want to make in their lives.”

I just loved this exercise because it reminded me of vision boards and visual motivation. I also believe in the power of visualizing something and turning it into your reality. Still, sometimes envisioning is not enough, and it can be difcult to navigate how to get to where you want to go and who you want to be, which is why I think this exercise is so wonderful.

She said, “The goal is to develop a sense of clarity and direction. The piece of art can serve as a reminder of the changes that can be made in order to achieve the goal. Using the art to express thoughts and feelings can help to increase a sense of self, encourage positive self-talk and provide a space to externalize thoughts and emotions that potentially get in the way of success.”

So then in thinking where to start you frst must consider what you want your relationship with art to be like. Art therapy, or art as therapy? Or maybe both?

Think about it. Sit with it. Or just keep it in mind as a tool if you feel confused, lost or uninspired. You don’t have to engage in art every day. It is not something that has to be done for wellness, but rather it is a mechanism to inform your wellness practice.

Lastly, if you feel like you are not a creative person because you think that the art you make isn’t good enough then you are missing the point.

“Art is a universal language that is available to everyone,” Collins shared. “Creating art without judgement can be a freeing process that provides a sense of accomplishment, relaxation and the opportunity to embrace a mindfulness activity.”

So have fun with it! Go to the dollar store, get some art supplies and start creating. There are so many avenues to explore. You could try water painting, collaging, pottery, paper mache, bracelet making, doodling, anything. It’s up to you! You hold the paintbrush. You hold the power. It is inside of you, and you may be surprised, you might just learn something about yourself that you never knew.

Lots of Love - Jorja

Plants: The green lifeline of humanity

From energy to clothing, plants are so much more than looking nice

Believe it or not, plants—the vibrant and captivating greenery around us—are the foundation of human existence. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we evolved from the grass growing on our front lawns, but rather that plants play a far more signifcant role in our lives than we often acknowledge. They form the base of our food chain and generate the oxygen that we breathe, yet we rarely stop to appreciate them.

Have you ever wondered how life can thrive in toxic, acidic soils? Or how mangroves can protect coastal areas better than human-engineered solutions? Or even how nutrient pathways in plants directly impact the food that we eat?

Unlike many other living organisms, plants do not depend on humans for survival. They were never taken two-by-two onto a biblical ark; instead, they simply persist—with or without our interference. While people generally understand their importance, plants are often overlooked, oversimpli-

fed, and taken for granted. From medicine and clothing to environmental structure and natural aromas, plants provide for humanity at every stage of their life. It is centered in botanic research that we can connect this natural artform to fundamental biological studies; a perspective that is necessary in appreciating the world around us.

Dr. Jaideep Mathur, Associate Professor at the University of Guelph in the Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology, has dedicated his career to the acquisition and sharing of botanical knowledge. His journey began in India four decades ago, when he pursued an undergraduate degree in the botanic department at Lucknow University. Surprisingly, his choice of study was not driven by a love of science, but rather by a passion for art. With a genuine appreciation for painting and an eye for natural beauty, Dr. Mathur was frst drawn to the vegetation around him as an artistic muse, long before he admired them for

LILLIAN GIROUX

their scientifc complexity. Observing plant growth and development, he translated their structures and colours onto canvas, and only then did he look to the microscope to further his knowledge.

Mathur is well known for his work with “living colors,” a technique that uses fuorescent proteins to highlight biological processes within plant cells. Noting that the colourful laboratory work fuels his “compulsive painting syndrome,” Mathur bridges the gap between artist and scientist through his botanical research.

He claims that fascination has always driven his education in both teaching and learning environments, stating that “you cannot stop acquiring knowledge — it becomes an addiction.”

In 1994, the discovery of Green Fluorescent Protein was made accessible in the scientifc community and opened new doors for botanic research. Along with a team of colleagues, Mathur modi-

fed these proteins to reveal plant structures in brilliant pigmentations, far beyond what natural lighting could emit. His work led to the publication of The Illuminated Plant Cell in Trends in Plant Science 2007, where he connected plant structure, colour patterns, and scientifc research in an unprecedented way.

Currently, Mathur’s research focuses on plant cell communication through organelles, particularly the endoplasmic reticulum. Unlike humans, plants lack a nervous system, yet they still have complex ways of transferring information. Protein signalling is a process that uses chain reaction mechanisms to detect and relay signals from the environment and within the plant. Understanding nutrient pathways and signalling within plant cells has direct implications for agriculture, nutrition, and food science — impacting the ways we produce and consume foods. Mathur will present his latest fndings on the

endoplasmic reticulum’s role in cellular communications at the Plant Biology Europe conference in June of 2025.

Recognizing that plants existed long before humans, Mathur emphasizes that while “we owe our existence to them,” our understanding of their inner workings is far from complete. Exploring the role of the endoplasmic reticulum in information transfer is a relatively new area of research in the botanic sciences, and Mathur stands at its forefront.

Human life cannot exist without plants. Botanical sciences form the crucial link between human and plant interactions, helping us appreciate these often-overlooked life forms. After all, “it is only when you start sufocating that you become aware of oxygen,” and it is only then that you value a plant as much as you would any other living organism. Perhaps it is time we see plants for what they truly are — the green lifeline of humanity.

While we owe our existence to them, our understanding of plants is just beginning. PHOTO PROVIDED BY UNSPLASH

SHOW

MAGIC SHOW

PANCAKE BREAKFAST

SQUARE DANCING

BUBBLE SOCCER

PHOTOS BY JANICE AUSTIN, KATE BANDSTRA, SAMANTHA CHEN, MELIKA DIDARI, EMILY LENNOX, AADITYA PARAMESWARAN & YIYUE ZHENG

DOG SHOW

FAMILY FUN

The Great One: Breakaways and betrayal

The hat trick we never wanted to see

OLIVER BARKLEY

A hockey legend – the kind of player you’d recognize the name of instantly, even after his retirement. His statue overlooks fans pouring into Oilers games, his name forever memorialized on the rink at his home town in Brantford Ontario.

But now Wayne Gretzky has lost the graces of Canadians across the country, and many are wondering why he’s chosen to side with a president hell bent on destroying his birthplace.

Wayne Gretzky is best known for his time on the Edmonton Oilers, playing with them from 1979 until 1988 and helping them win four Stan-

ley Cups. Even though he was traded away to the Los Angeles Kings and spent the end of his career playing for the New York Rangers, he was cemented as one of Canada’s best hockey players, “the Great One”. Once he retired in 1999, Wayne Gretzky’s legacy as one of the greats of hockey and a pillar of Canadian pride seemed to be untouchable, set to remain long after he was gone. However, Wayne Gretzky has decided to pick up his hockey stick and smash right through that pillar. His close connections with Donald Trump and refusal to push back against talks of annexing Canada have left a sour

the 4 Nations Face-

Of despite being their honorary captain did not go unnoticed. Canadians are now having to weigh

BOARD

the Wayne Gretzky of the past against the Wayne Gretzky of the present, and, to put it mildly, the cracks are starting to show.

No longer is he a symbol for Canadian excellence, but a symbol of submission to our southern neighbours.

So now what do we do? Is it time to sleeve those Tim Hortons hockey cards, put away those player mini sticks, and pretend he never existed?

Leave him to his fanatical president and strip his name from our walls?

No.

Much like that Canadian goose someone fed six years ago who still harasses people for food every day, Canada never forgets. To ignore the situation would be to show others who may follow this behaviour is tolerated, that the country is willing to let ourselves be betrayed by those we built.

Wayne Gretzky is the point where hockey and politics overlap, and, against our primal instincts, Canadians have chosen to forgo hockey to focus on national solidarity.

Hopefully Wayne Gretzky will make that decision as well.

The work that our volunteer Board of Directors does is exciting, rewarding, and has an impact in your community! It also looks great on your resume.

Email patrick@theontarion.com to get a better idea of what it’s like to volunteer with us.

taste in the mouths of many, and his decision to not wear a Canadian jersey at

Canada never forgets. PHOTO PROVIDED BY WIKIMEDIA/GOOGLE CREATIVE COMMONS

Taylor's private jet vs. my paper straw

Climate change is at an all-time high, but is there still hope?

JANICE AUSTIN

We've all seen the headlines, the memes, the endless debates. While Taylor Swift may not crack the top 10 lists for private jet emissions, does that make her, or any other celebrity’s, frequent fying any less problematic from an environmental perspective?

Does my efort to avoid environmentally-damaging plastics with a soggy paper straw even make a diference?

These questions, while seemingly trivial, point to a much larger, much more urgent issue: the climate crisis. We're talking about the melting glaciers, the raging wildfres, and a whole planet that's basically screaming for help.

Let's take a moment to look at what's happening to our planet with a pinch of drama, gossip, unsolicited advice, and a dash of wisdom from a furry orange creature who speaks for the trees.

The gossip (a.k.a. the evidence)

In January it was announced that 2024 was the hottest year on record, which has sparked much outrage and demands for the government to take action against climate change. Following this confrmation, two elderly activists in London named Alyson Lee and Di Bligh spray-painted “1.5 is dead” on Charles Darwin's grave at Westminster Abbey, in reference to the global temperature raising 1.55 degrees over pre-industrial levels, which is just over the limit set by the Paris Agreement.

Lee stated, “We are trying to get the government to act on climate change. They are not doing enough.” They chose Darwin’s grave because “he would be turning in that grave because of the sixth mass extinction taking place now,” as said by Bligh.

On top of that, the global average sea level has risen by approximately 16 cm (6 inches) since 1901,

California's on fre (again), Arctic sea ice has shrunk dramatically, and let's not forget the fact that there has been a 73 per cent decline in all wildlife populations since the 70s.

And because everything is connected, even our wallet is feeling the heat. Climate change is literally making our groceries cost more.

Conspiracy theories (a.k.a. the causes)

Now, let's talk about the usual suspects. Everything we do, from powering our homes and fueling our travel to manufacturing goods and growing our food, human activities across nearly all sectors contribute signifcantly to greenhouse gas emissions and climate change. Including the consumption of goods such as clothing, electronics, and plastics. Our lifestyles have a profound impact on our planet. Then there's extractivism, colonialism, and the insatiable hunger for infnite growth. The wealthiest bear

Class is in session with Locket

Romance, Rumble Honey and Sugar Lover Funk

Celebrities have set the bar impossibly high, and now regular parents are scrambling to keep up

ALYSSA CUNNINGHAM

In an age where uniqueness reigns supreme, even the act of naming children has become a competitive sport. Gone are the days of simple, traditional names. Today’s A-listers are pushing the boundaries of creativity, and let’s be real, it’s probably time we all took notes. After all, naming your child “Lily” in 2025 is basically a crime against individuality, right?

Take, for example, the enchanting Nara Smith, who has single-handedly revolutionized baby naming with the iconic names of her children: Rumble Honey and Slim Easy. Yes, folks, Rumble. Honey. And Slim. Easy. These names aren't just a nod to childhood innocence—they’re practically a statement of rebellion against the

conventional alphabet.

And who could forget Francesca Farago, famously known for reality TV shows “The Perfect Match” and “Love is Blind”, a woman whose naming mastery knows no bounds? She’s blessed the world with Locket Romance—because why not name your child after a piece of jewelry that holds deep sentimental value and a tribute to the heart-pounding love story of your youth?

And just in case you thought “Locket Romance” was a one-of, remember that in celebrity circles, consistency is key, which is why Locket’s fraternal twin is named Poetry. That’s right. Locket and Poetry. Because nothing says “I’m raising deeply introspective children who will defnitely become

the greatest responsibility. They're the Once-lers of our time. Who's speaking for the planet when everyone's too busy grabbing what they can?

The drama (a.k.a. the e ects)

The efects of all this are, well, dramatic. We're talking environmental destruction, millions of people displaced, rising grocery costs, droughts, and foods. The ocean's getting hot and the species on earth are playing a real-life game of Survivor (except the losers go extinct). It's not exactly a picnic.

My unsolicited advice (a.k.a. what we can do)

We need unifed action! The convenience culture that we are so used to is not utilitarian, and it does not cater to all. Our convenience comes at the cost of exploitation of labourers worldwide and extraordinary damage to our planet. We need to stand against all injustices, not just the trendy ones. And that means we have to give up on convenience culture.

Let's start by rethinking our shopping habits. First, try checking out the thrift stores instead of the mall, or try swapping clothes with friends. U of G has its own small swap community—check out @dropandcop.uofg for more details on their next swap. Ditch the disposables and use a reusable water bottle (like, say, a Stanley…

but just one!) Don't try to do everything at once. Focus on making small, permanent changes that you can sustain.

It's like the Lorax said, "A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean." We need to lean towards a better future.

The whimsical twist (because we need a laugh)

Let's be real, this whole situation is kind of absurd. We're arguing about recycling while entire ecosystems are collapsing. It's natural to feel that all hope is lost, but it doesn't have to be that way. Every molecule of CO2 that doesn't make it to the atmosphere does make a diference.

Octavia Butler, author of many moving and prophetic science fction novels with themes of climate change, once said, “There’s no single answer that will solve all of our future problems. There’s no magic bullet. Instead there are thousands of answers—at least. You can be one of them if you choose to be.”

So, there you have it. Our climate change catch-up, complete with all the drama, gossip, unsolicited advice, and Lorax-inspired wisdom you could ask for. Now go forth and save the planet, one tiny change at a time.

And remember, "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." Let's be those "someones."

spoken-word artists by the age of fve” quite like naming them after the English department’s two greatest passions.

But the true headline-grabber in this ever-expanding trend has to be Sugar Lover Funk, the adorable ofspring of Ross Lynch’s sister. Let’s unpack this for a second: Sugar Lover. Funk. Is this child a futuristic disco queen in the making, or is she destined for the cover of Rolling Stone by age fve? We don’t know, but either way, the name evokes a sense of whimsy, eccentricity, and absolutely zero chance of blending in with the crowd.

So what does this all mean for our generation’s future parents? Well, brace yourselves. If you're planning to give your future child

a name that doesn’t sound like a quirky band from the ‘70s, you’re ofcially behind the times. Let’s face it—baby names are now a fashion statement. Will your kid be in the Funk generation, or will they forever be stuck with something pedestrian like "Maxwell"? And remember, when you inevitably name your child “Cloud Sunrise Sparkle,” your friends will thank you for fnally giving them something to talk about in their group chat.

Gone are the days when meeting a group of fve Haileys at a party was a rare occurrence that left you feeling like you were trapped in an episode of Friends. You know the drill: there’s Haliey, Hayleigh (because why not throw in an extra “h” for fair), Haylee (whose parents wanted a unique spelling), Hayley (who insists hers is the right way to spell it), and Hailee (who treats vowels like currency).

But wait, let’s not forget the “Jayden” phenomenon—the gate-

way to true naming chaos. You thought you’d seen it all until you meet the endless parade of Jaydens. There’s Jaden (plain and simple, probably follows IKEA instructions), Jadon (who sounds like he was named by a medieval knight), Jaeden (fancy but confusing), and Jaiden (because why not?). At this point, spelling Jayden correctly is more of a suggestion than a rule. The reality is, if you don’t at least try to come up with an impossible-to-spell name for your kid, you’re just not keeping up. Imagine your kid sitting in a classroom full of "Jaxons," "Zaydens," and “McKenzies,” and your child's name is just "John." Oh, sweet, sweet, simple John. You can already hear the laughter behind the "Jaxons," who’ll be snickering about how “basic” his name is. Honestly, John, you better brace yourself. Because it’s 2025, and if you don’t add at least one unnecessary vowel, a silent "q," and a hyphen, you're just not doing it right.

With celebrities living large on private planes, do our soggy paper straws even make a difference? PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

The next generation of kids will make fun of names like Paul or John. PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

FROM THE ARCHIVES

The Ontarion has been around since 1951 and we’ve witnessed some pretty historic moments. This is a new feature that will focus on noteworthy articles pulled from our archives that are of interest to our readership today.

We’re currently in the process of fully digitizing our archives and creating a searchable directory. If you’d like updates on when this project is complete, sign up for our newsletter by emailing info@ theontarion.com

BECAUSE WE ASKED...

What

are you looking forward to most this spring?

"I’m excited to play outside and enjoy some nice weather."

Christopher Qushair 1st year, Commerce - Economics & Finance

"The warmer weather and being able to sit outside, while doing homework."

Hope Vanderhout 2nd year, Agricultural Science Honours

1st

Commerce

"I’m looking forward to the good weather, honestly. It has been pretty gloomy out."

Kaleigh Suydam 2nd year, Molecular Biology

"Looking forward to golf during the spring."

Carter Hilts

year, Bachelor of

"Expanding our family."

Benny & Selena Local duck couple Environmental Science

"Not freezing standing outside of the bars."

Katie Warywoda 5th year, Animal Biology

PETS OF THE MONTH

MEET NORMAN!

Breed: Leopard Gecko

Photo: Abby Counahan

Age: 3

Fun Fact: Norman has a strong distaste for men and is a self-proclaimed radical feminist

MEET TUBBS!

Breed: Barn Cat/Unknown

Photo: Emily Lennox

Age: 4

Fun Fact: Likes chewing legs o! his toy lizards MEET VELVETEEN!

Breed: Satin Rex

Photo: Rachel Fioret

Age: 10

WANT TO SUBMIT YOUR PET TO BE FEATURED AS ONE OF OUR PETS OF THE SUMMER? Email tpipe@theontarion.com with a photo and the information above!

Fun Fact: She loves squirrel watching in the backyard Join us for an dining experience on our rooftop patio overlooking campus. Weekly starting at 6 p.m. Free to play! Everyone is welcome and great prizes are available. Bring your friends and join in the fun! University Centre - Level 5 North | Take the North Elevators Monday - Friday from 9:30 a.m. - 8 p.m.

APRIL TO-DO LIST

11

Honour Your Pets Day

• 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

• Play with Clay (42 Wyndham St. N)

• Bring your pet and make a custom clay paw print for $20

• The staf will glaze and paint the print to be picked up at a later date

• Learn more at guelpharts.ca/ event/

APRIL 13

Wooden Bird’s Nest Decorating

• 2:00 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.

• 63 Woodborough Rd.

• Welcome spring by painting a birdhouse using dot-painting techniques

• All material and supplies will be provided

• Register at gatheringuelph.com

WED APRIL 16

Glitz & Glam Drag Bingo

• 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.

• Atmosphere Cafe + Etc.

• Enjoy a night of comedy and entertainment while competing for prizes from Stag Shop

• Buy tickets at eventbrite.ca

TUES APRIL 22

THURS APRIL 24

Art Gallery of Guelph Talk

• 12:00 p.m.

• Art Gallery of Guelph

• Join us for a free talk about soapstone sculptures ethically acquired by Canadian Arctic Producers and their importance to Canadian Art and Indigenous identity

Stop the Bleed Course

• 6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.

• Guelph General Hospital Auditorium (73 Delhi St.)

• Learn proper bleeding control techniques to prepare for potential emergencies and earn a certifcate

• Register at eventbrite.ca

THE ONTARION'S CLUB OF THE MONTH

Club Name: Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences Student Association (NANSSA)

Club Since: September 2024

I Beer + Taco Festival

• 12:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.

• Sleeman Centre

• Have a fun-flled afternoon and night of alcohol, tacos, games, and dancing

• This event is 19+

• Buy passes at showpass.com/ guelph2025/

Better Sleep Program

• Five session online program

• Gain strategies to fall asleep more easily and feel energized

• Sign up at SelfRegulationSkills.ca

Stress Less for Tests

• Three hour online program

• Learn how to decrease test anxiety and enhance performance

• Sign up at SelfRegulationSkills.ca

Club Mission: Our mission is to support students in achieving a nutritious and healthy lifestyle that fts into their busy schedules. We also aim to connect students within our small program, providing opportunities to engage with others who share an interest in nutrition.

How can others get involved: You can sign up to be a general member of our club, we will notify you on any up and coming events of volunteering opportunities. You can fnd information to sign up posted on our instagram @nans.uog. Keep an eye out for posters around campus, emails sent to you, or GryphLife for any new events or opportunities coming up.

If you want to be the next club of the month, email tpipe@theontarion.com

PUZZLE PAGES

CROSSWORD

BOB'S DOGS CROSSWORD CONTEST

For your chance to win two Bobs dog’s and two pops, just complete the crossword, snap a picture, and send it to puzzles@theontarion.com by April 18 at 3 p.m. Winners are announced in each issue and can arrange a pickup of their voucher by emailing the same address.

Last issue’s winning puzzle was submitted by Sandra Nyman!

20–Foot digit 21–Cast a ballot

22–Packs tightly

23–Declare

25–Cheek cosmetic

26–Incoming voice on a phone

29–Fleece

31–Ski lodge

32–Rare metallic element

36–Rescue

37–Used to be 38–Our sun, for example

40–Daggerlike weapon

43–Cream cake

45–Lepidopterous insect

46–German composer

47–Circular water container

50–Derrick

51–Draw a bead on

52–Hurler Hershiser

54–Frat letter

57–Issue forth with force

58–Extremely funny

61–Therefore

62–Month after avril

63–Projecting window

64–Barely beat

65–Compass pt. 66–Compact

Down 1–Petty quarrel 2–Golden Fleece ship

3–Knowledge 4–Chopper 5–Recolour

6–Shady spot, to an American 7–Cure, in a way 8–Leg hinge 9–Luxury car 10–Swahili for "freedom" 11–Put a new price on 12–Words on a Wonderland cake

13–Prohibitionists

18–Turn aside 23–Narrow street

24–Flight formation

25–___ v. Wade

26–IV units

27–Whale obsessed captain

28–Hot rock

29–Anger

30–Cries of surprise

33–Religion founded in 610AD

34–Beehive State

35–Disfgure

37–Rainy

39–Monopoly quartet: Abbr.

41–Left out

42–Tours turndown

43–Deadly virus

44–___-Magnon

47–Two-footer

48–Encompassed about

49–Gravy, for one

50–Give a false impression of

51–Tennis great Arthur

52–Electrical units

53–Narrow inlets

54–Quarter, e.g.

55–Colours

56–Capri, for one

59–Curtain holder

60–Strong feeling of anger

4 7

COLLEGE ROYAL WORD SEARCHES

YRMSTRACTORYSYEGBEWR

MKMAODXCGMOXMZZLOIKK

GRYPHONKAQXVSUIEYCMC

GQTMEFOEBTFTNGQHZASI YTQLRVSRIUTRULNBDGPP

PPQLMPELMZLLEIBZFRJG

SVVXAZVTCDJGEXJIWIUM

ELGSLHCFEIHSRELAOCGW FRFFGJEVARXPGHBBQUWN CLXHDVHNRDILALWADLOQ KWBXAGNGEALNINQRTTCX EEHMIZPEPTFZAZCOVUJT CXFNRUYYFDMGYREAPRTM NRHUYAAJKXVTMAYQKELY ORPIYLPHVCDAINYWPEJU

MXMGBRXTHKCLKILZSABJ YMYFKIWLEDUUQMOTEUIR

HSAYVSTUZBSMYASYOCBI

TKRWPQMMUYKNPLKJUJXR

FWODTFQTPXBIQSCJMFEU

THUNDERSTORM

AGRICULTURE

SPRING

ARJSLYDQUBDWDGVMDDME BBJNITHBCPIFCVOLVOYN

The Ontarion Inc.

University Centre Room 264

University of Guelph

N1G 2W1

ontarion@uoguelph.ca

519-824-4120

Editorial: x 58250

Advertising: x 58267

Accounts: x 53534

EDITORIAL STAFF

Editor-in-Chief

Taylor Pipe

News Editor

OPEN POSITION

Arts & Culture Editor

Abby Counahan

Copy Editor & Fact Checker

Olivia Strutt

Digital Editor

Alyssa Cunningham

PRODUCTION STAFF

Graphic Designer/Art Director

Paige Stampatori

Photo & Graphics Editor

Emily Lennox

OFFICE STAFF

Executive Director

Patrick Sutherland

Accountant

Laurie Arnold

Marketing Coordinator

Lucca Maggiolo

Community Education Coordinator

Rachel Fioret

Co-op Student Spencer Gaca

BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Chair

Katelynn Huong

Vice Chair

Paula Henry-Duru

Treasurer Denver Bubelich

Secretary

OPEN POSITION

DIRECTORS

Mariana Erazo

Avneet Grewal

Oliver Bullingham

CONTRIBUTORS

VIDA ADAIR MATUS

LAURA APBLETT

FATIMA ASKARY

JANICE AUSTIN

AMELIA BAJOR

VDUBQITZIDCDFMBUUSSD XCQIRAEEYFHESXMOIFPO

VOWISQGAABJANPYFJSTF WIXHRITLFHCESCUDLFAR ANLDUWASOSZZKFSUIVEN HYUUEFLVRISQTEBFVLLB HCCBLMBPVFQQJQRBPNSI XLFBUOYZGPLYKWEHCXYN UEBKEKYCEIOYOOLOLCMB FUYTKZHYCOQWMMLUBUXR MZDNYVWOEREVJXABDIPS ZAXCFFJBPYGFDSPNEMYM OUTDOORSOUBEFWWMARZC OILERXSAIOILSJTCPWNG KXNAPQQEEJIJHPAGSXTY HAYLMXTHUNDERSTORMMR FTTKBYQSIGACDEJETPYD GQLZJGROUNDHOGEUBFED

OLIVER BARKLEY

ERIKA BEKKERING

AMIR BENKELAI

GABRIEL BERTUOLA

MADISON BOUTILIER

KATE HENNESSEY

LILLIAN GIROUX

EMMERSON JULL

AMAZA PAYNE

MARTIN LIMA PEREZ

ELLIE PETRAK

KYLE SALTER

BEN SEATON

CARLOTA SOUSA

ASHLYN STUART

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-inChief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2025 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satis ed with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement. The Ontarion is printed by Master Web, Inc.

Funded in part by the Government of Canada

It’s just one word but it represents so much. For over 70 years The Ontarion has acted as a platform for community members to report the news, share their stories, and connect with each other. We have also been a space where anyone can contribute and make their voice heard.

THIS STORY GOT CUT. HERE'S A PHOTO OF DOUG FORD AS A GOOSE.

How to be a rizz king

An article for Generation Alpha

Alright, listen up, you aspiring SIGMA group leaders! Tired of being called sus and getting that dreaded L bozo? Want to boost your rizz and throw a legendary huzz party? Forget edging and gooning, we're diving straight into the deep end of social success!

First of, ditch the nonchalant dread head act. You gotta have aura, a certain je ne sais quoi. Forget crypto, real wealth is in aura farming—cultivating that undeniable vibe until you're radiating pure, unadulterated 'what the sigma' energy. Imagine the impact – it's like if Ninja got a low taper fade, unexpected but undeniably captivating. Now, let's talk technique. Forget looksmaxxing and mewing, true rizz comes from confdence. If you see someone and think, "Man, they've got a serious mog," don't

JANICE AUSTIN

just yap about it. Walk up and say, "Your mogging is legendary! Want some bing chilling?" If they look confused, just bust out the Harlem Shake. Who cares if it's embarrassing? That's the point! Embrace the brain rot!

Don't be afraid to try new things. Ever considered ordering a Grimace Shake and then dramatically reacting like you've seen a ghost? Or trying to explain the fanum tax to your grandma? It's all about pushing boundaries. Even if you end up looking like Baby Gronk, you'll have a story. And if all else fails, just start singing Skibidi Toilet while sticking out your gyatt for the rizzler. It's so absurd, it might just work. If you are feeling extra crazy, yell "Fanum tax!" However, you must avoid talking about Diddy.

Remember, whether you're speaking English or Spanish, the key is to be genuine. If you mess up, own it. "Yeah, I just tried to explain Among Us lore to a pigeon. I'm cooked." That's the level of self-awareness we're aiming for. Let your IIShowSpeed fag fy! Forget perfection, aim for legendary.

OVER AND START from the back cover

PLEASE FLIP ME

iPad kids, this one is for you. PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY PAIGE STAMPATORI USING IMAGES FROM DARREN CALABRESE/NATIONAL POST FILES (FORD) AND PEXELS (GOOSE)

CHILDHOOD MEMORY UNLOCKED!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT

THE ANNOYING ORANGE IS UP

TO NOW!

He's running the USA and ruining democracy. That's what he's doing.

Pr ect Pu h 2 25 Push. Push. Push.

Influencers are taking action against anti-consumerism movement

ABBY COUNAHAN

Infuencers found out about Project Pan and decided that this social media initiative to mitigate overconsumption is detrimental to the main source of their livelihoods: brand deals. This newfound cognisance has since compelled infuencers to work around the clock to fnd a solution to halt the implications of Project Pan, and they are taking action with a new movement they are calling “Project Push.”

The goal of Project Push is to reverse the action of Project Pan, which encourages people to fnish their beauty products before purchasing new ones in an efort to promote waste-elimination consciousness. Infuencers are worried about the efects that Project Pan will have on their bank accounts due to the fact that their brand deals thrive on pushing unnecessary products onto their audience, and overconsumption habits are integral to this business model.

The infuencers who are spearheading Project Push are titling themselves “Boss Babes,” and each Boss Babe acts as a leader in managing their own groups of members who join the project.

Boss Babes are approaching Project Push with a simple three step plan that will increase the aggressivity of overconsumption amongst youth: 1. target younger and more vulnerable audiences, 2. teach them how to use their parents’ credit cards, and 3. incentivise outreach initiatives.

The motto they use to promote this movement is “P.P.P.,” which stands for “Push. Push. Push.”

For anyone interested in participating in Project Push, seminars are held via TikTok Live to inform members of their newest “Bring Back Bullying” campaign, where participants are encouraged to “keep buying stuf and bully any-

one around you who doesn’t have them.” This campaign is designed to increase the targeted audience by making people feel outcasted if they choose not to participate in overconsumption, a tactic that has shown a 75 per cent success rate.

One of the incentives for members to expand the project's outreach includes being sent various leftover PR items that their Boss Babe doesn’t even want. This incentive can be redeemed only if the recipient agrees to make a promotional video on the products they receive. If the recipient does not comply with this agreement, their Boss Babe is entitled to create a smear campaign against them so they will never be able to go on social media again.

Additionally, for every 50 people a member persuades into par-

taking in overconsumption, they will be rewarded a $750 Shein gift card which can be redeemed by simply entering their SIN number. This incentive is available for all new members of Project Push.

In an over-the-phone interview with The Ontarion, founding Boss Babe of Project Push, Moira Bribes spoke to the controversy that claims the structure of the project mimics a pyramid scheme.

Bribes simply responded, “Like, you guys don’t even understand what it takes to be an infuencer. I have to wake up every single day and pretend to be nice on camera for hours on end. It’s exhausting work. Any haters will be blocked immediately.”

When The Ontarion asked the same question again in hopes for a real answer, Bribes hung up the

phone immediately. The Ontarion has been blocked by Bribes on all platforms.

Project Push has taken of with shocking success in the past four months. Its members span across ages seven to 45, and the project has gained signifcant popularity in countries such as Canada, the U.K, Australia, and the U.S.A.—which is considered “the mothership.” It is even rumoured that there are several D to B list celebrities participating in Project Push, though they do not outright disclose their involvement due to legal reasons.

If you are interested in joining the project, all you need to do is open the TikTok app and you are sure to come across at least fve Boss Babes within the frst seven minutes of scrolling.

The influencers who are spearheading Project Push are titling themselves as “Boss Babes.” PHOTO PROVIDED BY PEXELS

PHOTO PROVIDED BY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS/PEXELS/PAIGE STAMPATORI

Tim Hortons' nostalgic 'Roll Up the Rim' revival sparks mono outbreak at U of G

First norovirus, now mono—are students cursed, or just really bad at hygiene?

ALYSSA CUNNINGHAM

I

n a move that has both delighted and inadvertently infected the caffeine-dependent student body, Tim Hortons has reinstated its classic "Roll Up the Rim" contest, allowing patrons to physically roll up cup rims to reveal prizes. This nostalgic return, however, has led to an unforeseen consequence: a surge in mononucleosis cases among University of Guelph students.

After a fve-year hiatus where the contest was exclusively digital, Tim Hortons announced the return of physical cups for its "Roll Up to Win" contest, running from Feb 24 to March 23.

Cofee enthusiasts rejoiced, eager to once again experience the tactile thrill of rolling up the rim. However, this excitement quickly

turned to dismay as students began reporting symptoms consistent with mononucleosis, commonly known as "mono" or the "kissing disease."

The outbreak has been traced back to a peculiar habit among some students: using their mouths and/or teeth to roll up the cup rims, then handing the saliva-covered tabs to unsuspecting Tim Hortons employees to claim their prizes. This practice facilitated the rapid spread of the Epstein-Barr virus, which causes mono.

Dr. Ima Germain, a campus health ofcial, commented, "We appreciate the enthusiasm for caffeinated beverages, but we must remind students that sharing saliva, even indirectly through cup rims, is not advisable. There are safer ways

to win a free donut."

This mono outbreak comes on the heels of a recent gastroenteritis episode that left over 240 students in South Residence questioning their life choices—and the structural integrity of their bathroom doors. The norovirus, a microscopic menace known for turning campuses into biohazard zones, spread faster than a sneeze in a lecture hall during fu season.

Just as students were regaining trust in their digestive systems, mono swooped in like a sequel nobody asked for. Some now speculate that the University of Guelph may be cursed by a vengeful germ deity, punishing students for their sins— like leaving dirty dishes in the common room sink for three weeks

straight.

In response to the outbreak, Tim Hortons has issued a statement urging customers to use their hands, not their mouths, to roll up the rims. "While we are thrilled to bring back the traditional Roll Up experience, we encourage all guests to practice safe rim-rolling. Remember, a thumb is your cup's best friend," the statement read.

Opinions on campus are mixed. Third-year student Alex "Gargle" Thompson said, "I always used my teeth to roll up the rim; it felt more authentic. Now I've got mono and can't even enjoy my winnings." Others, like freshman Jamie Sanitizer, are more cautious: "I've been using hand sanitizer before and after touching anything.

I love Tim's, but I love my health more."

University health services are advising students to:

• Use their hands to roll up cup rims.

• Wash hands thoroughly before eating or drinking.

• Avoid sharing drinks or utensils.

• Refrain from kissing strangers met during the Roll Up line.

As the Roll Up the Rim contest winds down, students are reminded that while winning is exciting, avoiding communicable diseases is even more rewarding. After all, nothing spoils free cofee like a side of mono.

It all leads back to people rolling up their rims with their teeth. PHOTO PROVIDED BY GOOGLE CREATIVE COMMONS/CANVA

Students to receive compensation for use of washroom hand dryers

New study found hearing loss associated with the air dryers on U of G’s campus

LAURA APBLETT

Anew study from an independent research group has led to a once-in-a-blue-moon successful lawsuit for U of G students. The study, which looked at the noise levels created by the chief air dryer model on campus, found that the dryers were operating at a decibel level high enough to cause hearing loss among users.

“It was really eye-opening,” one of the researchers stated. “I mean, this was mainly a neurological study… We were expecting there to be higher cortisol levels- that’s the chemical the brain produces when it’s stressed- in our study participants on account of all the noise the dryers make. But instead, we found something even more serious: quantifable hearing loss.”

Researchers were alerted of hearing loss after professors across campus complained to university admin about students shouting “WHAT” during their seminars.

“I thought Lil John was making a comeback,” said professor Bob Dog.

The study determined that even short durations of exposure to operating hand dryers were suffcient to cause hearing loss. Specifcally, thirty seconds or more of contact at least ten times a week can begin to kill stereocilia, which are the hairs in your ears that allow you to pick up sound. Thirty seconds is also the amount of time it takes to get to mars, according to Jared Leto.

Upon receiving the study results, the Central Student Associa-

A Lavender Haze on the horizon for Canada and the U.S.

Ford and Lutnick make Swift-style friendship bracelets to get rid of Bad Blood

LAURA APBLETT

On March 13, Ontario Premier Doug Ford met with U.S. Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick, a key player in the ongoing tarif war, for a 90-minute friendship bracelet crafting session.

Both statesmen are reportedly fans of the pop singer Taylor Swift, whose followers, inspired by a track from her Midnights album, began a bracelet-making tradition in 2022.

“There’s been a lot of agitation…with U.S. tarifs, and we’ve been looking for a way to ease tensions,” Ford explained. “I’ve had a few phone calls over the past weeks with Secretary Lutnick, and we’ve managed to fnd some common

tion, (CSA), took the fndings to U of G’s upper management. When it became clear that the university was not interested in taking action, the CSA launched a civil lawsuit. After several months of debate, the court ruled in favour of the plaintifs on March 14.

“The potential hearing loss caused by these air dryers is an unacceptable risk for students to have to take,” the court stated in its verdict. “The University of Guelph must not continue to employ this model of air dryer on its campuses, and it will owe those who have been afected up to $1,000 each in compensation for the dryers’ health impacts.”

To be eligible for compensation, students will need to provide confrmation of full-time enrolment for at least two semesters or part-time enrolment for at least four semesters during the last three years. This does not include distance education students.

If anyone feels that they have been negatively impacted by the

that album- there’s just so many good ones. Maybe ‘Ready for It’? That one has a good beat to it… Or maybe ‘Look What You Made Me Do.’ That’s a story about having the odds against you and still getting what you came for.”

ground with our music interests… We felt we could come together to participate in Taylor’s bracelet-making trend.”

Accordingly, Ford and several other key members of the Canadian government few to Washington, D.C. for what would be an atypical, but ultimately successful, meeting.

“My favourite era is Reputation,” Lutnick told reporters at the session. “I’m a businessman at heart, and I’m all about coming out on top in the game of life. Plus, I really like wearing black suit jackets.”

When asked about which track he liked best, Lutnick replied, “It’s hard to pick a favourite from

“I’m a 1989 guy myself,” Ford stated. “My favourite song from the album is ‘Shake It Of.’ I really identify with that one, since there’s so many people in Canada who don’t like me. On bad days, I just remember what Taylor says: ‘The haters gonna hate.’ That’s why I chose those lyrics for my friendship bracelet,” he explained, showing of his sparkly blue piece to the media.

“I made mine purple so that it would match my favourite tie,” Lutnick said when he laid his fnalized bracelet down next to Ford’s. “That way I can wear it to functions to demonstrate my

hand dryers and do not meet these qualifcations, they are encouraged to speak with someone from the CSA, located somewhere in the University Centre. Good luck fnding it!

Over the next couple of months, students will notice the phaseout of the hand dryers. However, they should not expect to see new air dryers or the return of paper towels to campus washrooms anytime soon.

The move is the latest in budget cuts from the U of G.

“We’ve looked over the budget, and we just don’t have money right now to replace our current air dryers,” a spokesperson for U of G stated in a recent press conference. “Paper towels are expensive to keep supplying, and the quieter air dryers on the market are out of our price range. We recommend that students wipe their hands on their pants from now on.”

When asked for more information about the discontinuation of paper towels on campus, the

friendship with Doug, even in the midst of all the tension between Canada and the U.S.”

Other attendees at the meeting also tried their hand at making bracelets.

Dominic LeBlanc, who serves as Minister of Intergovernmental Afairs, told reporters that he was uncertain about making a bracelet at frst, but chose to forge through in the spirit of collaboration between the two governments. “I don’t really know much about Taylor Swift,” LeBlanc admitted. “My bracelet doesn’t have any special meaning, really, beyond our symbolic amends with the Americans.

I made it pink because my wife likes that colour.”

“I think I have some more knowledge of Swift,” FrançoisPhilippe Champagne, Canada’s new Minister of Finance, said. “I was reading about her on the trip so that I’d be prepared for this meeting. I took a Buzzfeed quiz that said I represent the Red era the most. That’s because that album refects transitioning, which I’ve efectively done throughout my career in several diferent roles in government,” he explained. “I’m also all about optimism and positive energy, which is why I made a bracelet with smiley face beads.”

spokesperson responded, “Yes, we stopped supplying paper towels in many campus washrooms a while ago. It was more environmental and cost-efective. We understand that there are concerns about the lower sanitation of air dryers vs. paper towels, but the research is mixed on that. And anyway, aren’t we tired of being afraid of germs?”

We also spoke with an unnamed member of the university’s upper management about the recent lawsuit.

“It’s quite an unfortunate situation,” Busy McOverpaid said. “I don’t see how the students think we can aford to provide them with compensation, what with admin’s salaries to consider. We haven’t made any defnite decisions yet, but I can say with some certainty that this puts construction on the MacKinnon Building back at least fve years. Beyond that, we’ll just have to fnd ways to cut student benefts. It’s their fault anyway.”

The lawsuit also reportedly cost the CSA a considerable amount of money. “Hiring a lawyer to represent us certainly wasn’t cheap,” a CSA representative stated. “We’re going to have to fnd a way to cut down our other expenses. Right now, we’re looking at adopting an even worse- oh uh, I mean more basic- healthcare plan for the student body, which would allow us to increase our discretionary fund for things like lawyers. Um, can you edit that frst part out of my statement?”

The Fearless era was the inspiration for U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer.

“I went with one of Taylor’s classic albums,” he told reporters. “It was from a time when she was just a girl with big ambitions, and I understand ambition. Plus, who doesn’t love sparkles?”

The fnal friendship bracelet artist was Kirsten Hillman, Canadian Ambassador to the U.S.

“As the ambassador, I thought my bracelet should refect good relations between our two nations,” Hillman explained to reporters.

“That’s why I chose to make a bracelet that’s red-and-white on one side and red, white, and blue on the other.”

While attendees lauded the bracelet-making session as a success, it did rufe some feathers at the White House. Once a fan of the pop star, U.S. President Donald Trump’s admiration has soured since Swift came out as a democrat and encouraged others to vote, leading to a historical surge in voter registration.

“The President doesn’t know what to make of this friendship bracelet meeting,” lap dog Elon Musk stated in an interview. “We’re defnitely going to be discussing this during our next Diet Coke session.”

Doug Ford would be a 1989 guy.

PHOTO PROVIDED BY PIXABAY

U of G hand dryers will be out of service after lawsuit finds the university culpable for student hearing loss. PHOTO PROVIDED BY TAYLOR PIPE

Elon Musk cries like a baby over puppet show disinterest

What else is new?

TAYLOR PIPE

Full-blown man-baby Elon Musk threw yet another public hissy ft last Friday.

Musk was set to perform his one-man puppet show at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts this past friday. However, ticket sales were awful and maybe like, two people showed up to watch his show.

“I have been working on this show since before the election,” Musk told a reporter from PropogandaToday.com over the weekend.

Musk wiped away at least seven tears from his reptilian skin before going into hysterics.

“I’m just absolutely shocked that people are not impressed and entertained with the work I’ve put in,” he managed to get out between sobs and nose blows. “This is worse than when I named my kid XA underscore 42069.”

Musk explained that he came up with the idea for the puppet show on Jan. 6, 2021 but it “had nothing to do with the lovely, patriotic, peaceful protest” that occurred on the same day.

He said that day was the day he knew who the star of the show would be. It was obvious that love for Trump had reached an all-time high and everyone was in agreement.

But the feelings changed when Musk Trump became president again and dress rehearsals began.

He expressed frustration with the American people for not showing the same enthusiasm for him as they had shown other tech billionaire puppeteers.

“Everyone cheered when Zuckerberg did his show with Obama, and they loved Bezos with Biden,” Musk said before doing a small series of child-like stomps. “I don’t get why they bully me. It must be because of the woke mind virus.”

Although ticket sales for Musk’s show are abysmal at best, he said that viewers will have the opportunity to view the show many times over the course of the next four years. He thanked the community for their support during these tough times where he still made billions of dollars.

“I send my love to all puppeteers, masterminds, and manipulators,” Musk said while doing a gesture that could only be seen as throwing his heart out to the public. “The art of puppeteering is dying, but we shouldn’t have to hide in the shadows any longer. Art is art, no matter what shape or form it takes.”

Tickets for Musk’s puppet show are unfortunately free and are distributed whether you want them to be or not. They are currently available for the foreseeable future as it’s still unsure if Musk and Trump will step down in four years, as set out in the consti-

tution, or if they will say “fuck that” and turn the United States of America into the Fourth Reich.

If Musk doesn't get his way you'll be sorry. YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY! PHOTO PROVIDED BY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

CSA revamps board meeting communication

An overview of the revised CSA Policy & Bylaw Manual

ABBY COUNAHAN

Diss tracks are back on the rise, and the Central Student Association, (CSA), plans to adopt them into decision making processes, utilising the elements of confict resolution that they provide. Having won the majority vote, the CSA has ofcially implemented a policy to make diss tracks the formal mode of board meeting communication.

The CSA Policy & Bylaw Manual has been tentatively revised to include foundational rules for the new policy to serve as groundwork for the integration process. The “Rules of Order” sections afected thus far are: 3.0 (“Efciency of Board Meetings”), 6.5 (“Order of Proceedings”), 6.6 (“Suggested Penalties”), and 7.0 (“Political Statements”). The im-

plications are to be outlined below.

Section 3.0 received added section 3.05 that will act as a preface to sections 3.1 through 3.10.1, and states: “The following sections in which the words ‘speak’ or ‘speaking’ are present shall be replaced by the words ‘diss’ or ‘dissing’ henceforth.” The purpose of this implementation is to mitigate or even prevent the use of regular speech during board meetings.

Section 6.5 received changes to subsection 6.5.1, which regards the brief introduction provided by the chair of the committee at the start of each meeting. Replacing the traditional introduction, the revised version of 6.5.1 requires the chair to “rile up the meeting attendees rap-battle style in an effort to increase the energy of the

room.”

Subsections 6.5.2 and 6.5.3, which prevent the violation accuser(s) as well as the accused from presenting any evidence that has not yet been heard before the committee, will be eradicated entirely. The purpose of the eradication of these sections is to preserve the “element of surprise,” which is said to be the most valuable component of diss tracks. It also serves to “keep the audience on their toes,” which is one of the main goals of this policy.

Section 6.6 received added section 6.6.3, which prohibits the use of ghost writers amongst all members of the CSA. To understand the severity of using a ghost writer, let’s take a look at section 6.6.3.b., which states that direc-

tors and executives caught using a ghost writer must:

i) submit a written apology to those directly afected

ii) submit a written apology to the CSA and The Ontarion iii) be removed from the Board of Directors (which may involve impeachment procedures)

iv) perform an interpretive dance presented before the entire CSA that tells the story of how and where things went wrong Ghost writing is believed to hinder the authenticity of one’s passion as well as promote discriminatory collaboration practices. To decrease the possibility of divisiveness within the CSA, ghost writing is the most disgraceful and punishable ofence to the policy.

Section 7.0 is under consideration to remove subsections 7.1, 7.2, and 7.2.1, which require all proposals that take a public stance on political matters to be referred to the Statement Making Committee. The removal of these sections is being considered on the grounds of “keeping it fresh,” an element of dissing that would most certainly be hindered if these sections remained.

In an interview with The Ontarion, CSA President Nate Broughton gave more insight into what else they are working on implementing into the fnal draft of the new Rules of Order. Here are some of the concepts they are working on:

Sneak dissing: this is “to be encouraged in situations where one participant is low-key scared to address an issue of the opposition,” said Broughton.

Free styling: this element is to be used in high-tension circumstances where opposing ideas both “have a point,” and will be used as “a deciding factor to determine whose idea is better,” said Broughton.

The revised version of the CSA Policy and Bylaw Manual with the updated Rules of Order section is in its early trial stages and is expected to be fully functional as the new board meeting format for the coming F25 semester.

If "sneak dissing" is now encouraged you're lowkey scared. PHOTO PROVIDED BY UNSPLASH

New bylaws and quotas come to Guelph

Guelph bylaw to introduce new rules under section “It’s Not Us, It’s You (2025)-80085”

ABBY COUNAHAN

This coming August, the City of Guelph is planning to increase the amount of automated speed enforcement, (ASE), cameras around the city. When the Guelph bylaw compliance learned of the increased number of fnes this action would produce, they said, “Hey, what about us?” What started as a great ponder eventually led to the decision to also ramp up their fnes under the new bylaw section: It’s Not Us, It’s You (2025)-80085.

Here is a list of some the new enforcement eforts as well as activities that are subject to fnes under section 80085:

1. Looking at a bylaw ofcer the wrong way when they bust

your party will lead to a fne of $200.

2. Texting and walking: there won’t be any fnes for this, but bylaw fnds it “really, really annoying.” In direct quotation from the section, the Guelph bylaw now reserves the right to “slap that shit right out of your hand” if they catch you texting and walking.

3. New frowning sidewalk cameras: similar to the ASE cameras, frowning cameras will be installed at various sidewalks. Anyone caught frowning will be mailed a fne of up to $350.

4. New noise level regulations:

any music for a gathering inside or outside of a household is subject to a new maximum sound limit of 103dBA, which is the equivalent to an iPhone 5s on full volume.

Any background music that exceeds this limit will result in a fne of $350.

5. Parking crooked in your own driveway: the section reads “it’s just not nice to look at.”

The fne for this is $200.

6. Parking a U-Haul as close as possible to the entrance of a house on the no-parking side of the road: the section reads, “We don’t care if it’s only for 30 minutes, and we especially don’t care if you have to park

U of G officially gives up on students’ ability to sort trash

Oscar Sort to the rescue

ALYSSA CUNNINGHAM

The University of Guelph has ofcially declared a state of emergency—not over tuition hikes or housing shortages, but due to students' complete and utter inability to sort their garbage. After years of watching hopeful eco-initiatives crumble under the weight of misplaced cofee cups and rogue granola bar wrappers, the university has turned to extreme measures: artifcial intelligence. Because when all else fails, let the robots do it.

Meet Oscar Sort, the AI-powered waste disposal prodigy that the university hopes will fnally teach students what years of elementary school posters, disappointed sighs from custodians, and passive-aggressive signage could not.

“We’ve tried everything— colour-coded bins, detailed diagrams, even interpretive dance performances,” says Binjamin Wastefeld, associate vice president

of physical resources. “But at some point, we had to face facts: our students just don’t get it.”

Oscar Sort, developed by Canadian tech company Intuitive AI, will now shoulder the burden of waste sorting, ensuring that plastic forks don’t end up in the compost and that rogue Tim Hortons cups don’t single-handedly derail the university’s sustainability efforts.

Students merely have to hold up their garbage for Oscar to scrutinize with the cold, judgmental gaze of a disappointed parent. Within seconds, the AI will provide clear instructions, likely accompanied by a passive-aggressive “tsk” sound, before sending students on their way with the knowledge that they were, once again, completely wrong.

“It's honestly a relief,” says third-year biology student Rhea Cycleton. “I used to spend a full minute staring at the bins, trying

ing tone: $100

• Complaining about receiving a fne, especially if the complaint describes the new rules as “useless” or “unfair”: $250

• Speech that pertains to any specifc bylaw ofcer and has potential to result in hurt feelings: $500

blocks away—the rules are the rules.” This action will result in an immediate towaway, which will be enforced by bylaw laying down tire spikes so you can’t move the U-Haul before the tow truck gets there.

7. Bugging homes: Guelph bylaw now reserves the right to bug homes with listening devices. Anyone who is caught disagreeing with the new rules in the comfort of their own home will receive a maximum fne of $500, depending on the severity of the badmouthing:

• Acknowledgement of the new rules in a condescend-

In an interview with The Ontarion, a member of Guelph bylaw who wishes to remain anonymous spoke on the concern that the U-Haul bylaw would result in a rising number of injuries amongst dads moving their children in and out of student homes.

The anonymous member responded, “Honestly, we don’t really care. This is the type of situation we have free healthcare for.”

When asked about the reason behind the frowning cameras, the anonymous member said, “There is no reason for anyone not to be smiling when walking around the streets of Guelph. We do such a good job policing– I mean, bylaw-ing the streets, and anyone who can’t recognize that deserves a fne.”

Section It's Not Us, It’s You (2025)-80085 is set to be applied in August 2025 alongside the arrival of the new speed cameras in hopes to create a “double-whammy-like efect.”

to remember if a pizza box was compostable or if that was just a myth. Now I just let the AI decide, and if it’s wrong, I can at least blame the robots.”

While Oscar claims to collect no personal data, students are already suspicious.

“It’s only a matter of time before it starts keeping score,” says engineering student Trashdan Binforth. “Next thing you know, your diploma comes with a disclaimer: Graduated with Distinction (but put a banana peel in the recycling bin on October 3, 2023, at 2:14 PM).”

Oscar is already operational at over 30 institutions, including MIT, the University of Toronto, and Arizona State University, proving that poor recycling decisions are a global crisis. The AI also adapts in real-time to changing waste regulations, meaning it will remain smarter than the average university student indef-

nitely.

But concerns remain.

“What if Oscar becomes selfaware?” asks philosophy major Dusty Landfll. “Will it judge us? Will it evolve beyond waste sorting and start controlling course registration? We just don’t know.”

For now, the university is optimistic about Oscar’s potential.

“This is a major step forward for sustainability,” Wastefeld reassures. “And a major step back-

ward for faith in human intelligence.”

One thing is certain: if Oscar fails, the only logical next step is handing out degrees based on proper garbage disposal skills. Until then, students are encouraged to embrace this new era of AI-assisted waste management—lest they fnd themselves on the wrong side of history (and the wrong side of the compost bin).

The new bylaws come into effect this August. PHOTO PROVIDED BY TAYLOR PIPE

When all else fails, let AI do it. PHOTO PROVIDED BY ABBY COUNAHAN

Trudeau tries for internet stardom post-parliament

Spoiler alert: it’s not going well

TAYLOR PIPE

Since resigning as Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has been up to some pretty odd things.

For some, his foray into being a social media infuencer has been upsetting to watch, to say the least.

However, many Canadians are watching the former PM’s attempts at internet superstardom with levity and glee as they enjoy the politician’s continued public embarrassment.

First, it was the Tim Hortons mukbang. Trudeau successfully ate 50 timbits and 12 sausage farmer’s wraps before giving up and getting sick in his used Fiat 500 — the only vehicle he’s been able to aford since leaving his po-

litical post.

“It might not have been very smart of me to eat 12 sausage farmer’s wraps in one sitting,” Trudeau said in the video before dry heaving. “Since when do I make smart decisions?”

Following the mukbang, Trudeau tried to make a shopping haul video for the items he purchased at Canadian Tire for his new studio apartment.

“My new landlord Greg said I’m not allowed to cook any food in the kitchen, fush the toilet after 6 p.m., or have any friends over ever,” he explained in the video while unboxing a cheap kettle.

It wasn’t long until Greg fled

a defamation lawsuit and Trudeau had to switch gears yet again.

Trudeau then attempted to ask people for apartment tours to use for content, to which many responded by telling him to “fuck of.”

Trudeau then got really, really into making Get Ready With Me, (GRWM), videos. He often ended the videos by twerking and saying “Eh, have a great day, girly pops.”

Trudeau said this was his way of continuing to serve after Canadians made it abundantly clear they no longer want him to serve them.

“I will continue serving Canadians by serving gag-worthy looks,” Trudeau said while applying what he referred to as “Euphoria glitter” on his cheek bones after curling every coil of his famous hair.

The GRWM videos seemed to be taking of until he posted a video of him getting ready for a halloween party where he would be attending as Aladdin. He was banned from all social media for zero minutes, as is standard when white men in positions of power post racially insensitive content in 2025.

After the failed GRWM videos, Trudeau tried one more time to get famous on the internet with Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, (ASMR), videos.

He tried many diferent things like cutting soap, squishing foral foam, dropping candies into a tub, cursive writing, tapping his microphone, humming and chewing gum. But he landed on a particularly of-putting ASMR tactic.

“Hey babe, want some maple syrup on your pancakes?” Trudeau whispered softly while staring uncomfortably into his phone camera, making prolonged eye contact with the viewer. “I’m more of a marmalade man, myself.”

Commenters said that Trudeau had “Ted Bundy energy” and was “giving creepy uncle vibes.” The comments made him promptly cut that shit out.

A survey of Trudeau’s followers had many fndings, but reports

were almost unanimous on one thing: the people want Trudeau to join OnlyFans, (OF).

Since taking ofce in 2015, Canadian women and men, British royals and frst ladies have been swooning over the former PM and son of “totally chill” former PM Pierre Trudeau. For the past ten years, the PM has made panties drop and grown men blush.

“I am open to anything,” Trudeau said in a TikTok, with a tone of desperation. “I really just need enough money to survive and aford to live in the economy I destroyed.”

However, when viewers suggested he move his content to OF, Trudeau turned down the idea immediately.

“I know you all want it – I’ve seen the fags,” he joked before doing fnger guns and then getting really serious. “I just really don’t want to be mocked for generations to come… or is it too late for that?”

For now, we’ll all have to

keep waiting for the former PM to make that incredibly sexy move as he’s too busy trying to be a health and wellness infuencer for the next three weeks.

“I just need to cleanse the bad energy of parliament from my body,” he said during an Instagram livestream, as if parliament hadn’t been prorogued for three months before Mark Carney took over as Prime Minister.

He took a deep, calming breath before centering himself and updating followers on his daily happenings.

He told his audience that today he will be focusing on being mindful, breathing during pilates, and pretending his matcha latte doesn’t taste like grass.

Trudeau’s new health-guru personality seems to be taking of and getting him what he wants as far as digital fame. However, many Canadians feel it’s only a matter of time until we see the former PM shaking that thang for a monthly subscription fee on OnlyFans.

Trudeau will continue serving Canadians by serving gag-worthy looks.

ILLUSTRATION PROVIDED BY PAIGE STAMPATORI

Trudeau's efforts to become Canada's next internet superstar are going about as well as his efforts to maintain his approval rating. PHOTO PROVIDED BY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

TABLE OF CONTENTS FAKE NEWS

3. Trudeau tries for internet stardom post-parliament

4. CSA revamps board meeting communication

5. New bylaws and quotas come to Guelph

U of G ofcially gives up on students' ability to sort trash

6. Students to receive compensation for use of washroom hand dryers

A Lavender Haze on the horizon for Canada and the U.S.

7. Elon Musk cries like a baby over puppet show disinterest

8. Childhood memory unlocked! You won't believe what the Annoying Orange is up to now!

Project Push 2025: Push. Push. Push.

THE COVER SKETCHES WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO USE...

OUR BOSS WOULDN'T LET US MAKE THIS THE COVER. SO WE MADE IT SUPER BIG AND PUT IT NE X T TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS.

9. Tim Hortons' nostalgic 'Roll Up the Rim' revival sparks mono outbreak at U of G

10. Doug Ford goose

ILLUSTRATION PROVIDED BY OLIVER BARKLEY