life: embrace it. live it. love it. heather butler

story by | patricia carlson

If you had told Heather Butler when she graduated high school what her life would be like in twenty years, she would probably have thrown her head back and launched into her hearty, infectious laugh. She would have looked you straight in the eye—she’s spunky and direct—and said in her throaty voice, “Yeah, right!” Who knew she’d be a dental hygienist and a stay at home mom? She’d spend thousands of hours volunteering and fishing. She’d be divorced once, married twice and have not three, not four, but five, beautiful children. And believe it or not…she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Typical to Unexpected

Growing up in Rothsay, Minnesota, Heather Butler lived the typical, all American, life. She and her brother rounded out the three generations of Balkens to graduate from Rothsay High School. “I graduated with 13 people in my class,” she says, “the smallest in school history.”

Her family was tight-knit and her parents each had a profound influence. Growing up, Heather’s father fostered a love of the outdoors. They would spend long summer days on the lakes learning how to fish and the Fall meant hunting season. To this day, the self-described tomboy counts fishing and hunting as her favorite hobbies.

Her mother fueled a desire to volunteer not by just talking to her children about the importance of giving back, but by showing them. From an early age, Heather would tag along with her mother visiting area nursing homes. She and her older brother were in charge of delivering books to senior residents. “You know, the old fashioned way, on a cart,” she says with a chuckle. “Even as a child, Heather had the ability to connect with elderly people,” recalls her mother, Polly.

For Heather, it was simply something she enjoyed. “I had older grandparents and great grandparents and I just always loved, loved, loved the elderly,” Heather says. “All through high school and college it was something I was involved in—working at nursing homes or just taking an older person who was alone under my wing.” Things where moving right along for this small town girl in the typical manner. When she was a junior in college pursuing a dental hygienist profession, Heather met someone she described as “a great guy”. They were happy together, decided to marry and in the coming years welcomed a daughter named Payton and a son named Mason.

But things began to change and the once happy couple questioned their future as a family. Try as they might, Heather and her husband realized they were better apart than together. They divorced after seven and a half years of marriage. It was a huge disappointment. She felt like a failure; like she let her children and her family down. “Divorce knocks you back, it darn near knocks you down,” she says.

But Heather was still standing. She was a single mother living on her own. She was maintaining a full-time job and losing time for much of the volunteer work that had brought her so much love and cheer over the years. But she was still standing and forging on.

A Second Chance

At this point, Heather’s life was nowhere near the one she had imagined for herself. And as a new divorcee, the last thing on her mind was getting involved in another relationship. Instead she focused her attention on her kids and her profession. But one of her dental patients had a different idea and was keen on getting to know Heather more.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say he was my favorite patient,” she jokes. “No, really, that’s the standing joke now, because he wasn’t. At times we had butted heads.” Despite countless messages, Heather didn’t return his phone calls. Then one night she picked up.

Dan Butler had been there before; divorced for nearly a decade before their first date. He understood where Heather was at in her life. Drawn to her feisty and independent character, Dan was looking for a life partner with a deep personality. “Heather isn’t afraid to speak her mind and can hold her own,” says Dan. Yet sensitive to the timing, he didn’t want to rush the relationship and made sure the date was a low pressure event. “He asked me out and we went golfing,” recalls Heather. “We bonded, connected and had a lot of things in common.”

As the pair got to know each other, their conversations became more candid and serious. Friendship turned to love and their talks turned to marriage. Like any couple entering a second marriage one of the biggest questions was how would they tell their kids and would they accept the idea of a blended family.

Sharing their news with family started with Dan’s children, Trina and Nathan, then teenagers whom Heather had grown to adore. “I just took the approach that I understand you have a great mom and I’ll be what you want me to be,” Heather remembers telling them.

“Technically I’ll be your stepmom but if you want me to be your friend or confidant or buddy or just your dad’s wife that’s fine. I sort of put the ball in their court and it worked out well.”

“Heather brought more than two little children to our family,” says Trina. “Her enthusiasm for life has also brought growth to my life. She has helped me develop into the person I am today—I am more independent and compassionate than I used to be. I admire her motivation to get things done and her compassion for others.”

Telling Payton and Mason was a separate challenge, but Dan’s love for Heather’s children helped win them over. “I can’t speak for other couples, but it was one of those situations where Dan didn’t not know what he was getting himself into,” says Heather. “He loves them like they’re his own.”

One thing that made the transition easier for Heather [and her children] was her relationship with her ex-husband. “He’s a great dad, he’s a great guy,” she says. “We have a really good working relationship now.”

With everyone’s blessing, Dan and Heather married in February 2005. “I always say it’s better to have too much love than not enough,” Heather says.

A Blessing

The blended Butler home was already filled with love, but something was missing. Heather and Dan wanted another child, but Heather wasn’t able to carry another baby.

As a young woman and throughout her adult life, Heather struggled with chronic female medical issues. When she turned 30 her doctor recommended a permanent solution, which meant having a hysterectomy.

While engaged and on a deer hunting trip home to Rothsay with a cousin who had recently adopted a child, Heather and Dan began wondering if that option might be right for them. They asked question after question and by the end of the trip Heather and Dan began to feel adoption may be the best choice and fit for their family.

Shortly after getting married, they decided the time was right to begin the adoption process. Heather placed a call to Adopt Help, a domestic adoption center based in California. They were picked by a birth mother almost immediately and the family began preparing for their new arrival. But it wasn’t meant to be. The birth mother changed her mind. “It was heart wrenching,” recalls Heather. Dan remembered the pain of the situation and did his best to console his wife. “There is always risk of disappointment when feelings are involved,” he says. Undeterred, the adoption process continued and Heather prayed her family would get picked again, and they were. This time a 33-year-old woman from North Carolina, who was due in January, chose Heather and Dan to raise her unborn son.

This birth mother had a unique story. Earlier in her life, she was told she could never get pregnant and for the longest time, didn’t know she was. Having a child was something she and her partner weren't prepared for. But she came from a large family with lots of siblings and knew her baby boy would grow up surrounded by brothers and sisters in the Butler home.

“I was elated,” Heather says with her big smile. “I remember thinking, ‘I can’t believe this is happening to me!’”

Equally excited, were Payton and Mason. “I was really happy when they said that we would be getting a baby,” says Payton, now a 7th grader. “I always wanted a really younger brother or sister because Mason is only two years younger than me so we are very close in age.”

In the early morning hours of Thanksgiving 2005, Heather’s phone rang. “I hear my case worker say, ‘Heather, this is Gabby.’ And I went uhhhh [let’s a long sigh out] and said, ‘not again.’ My heart just sank.”

“But Gabby goes, ‘I hope you’re sitting down—your birth mother had your baby this morning—Happy Thanksgiving!”

The irony of their son’s arrival on Thanksgiving wasn’t lost on Heather. “What a gift,” she exclaims. Heather and Dan and Heather’s mother, Polly, immediately packed their bags and flew to North Carolina to meet their newborn son.

“We were able to meet him that night so he was not quite 24 hours old when we got there,” says Heather. The compassion and acceptance the birth mother showed next caught Heather off-guard. “We walked in and she’s sleeping with him on her chest. She woke up when she heard us, and immediately started asking us, ‘How are you? How was your flight? I’m so glad you’re here.’”

Then she handed the baby to Heather and Dan, and said, ‘Here’s your son.’ The couple named him Isaac, which means he who laughs.

Polly says it was love at first sight. “He was so tiny - barely 5 lbs. - and stole our hearts the moment we saw him,” she says. “Isaac’s birth mother is a strong and courageous woman who wants a good life for her child. She very unselfishly put her child first and chose Heather and Dan to be Isaac's parents.”

Heather is equally amazed at Isaac’s birth mother’s generosity. “I thank God for her everyday,” she says with tears in her eyes. “He came from the most loving and unselfish person I’ve met in my entire life. Isaac completed us.”

Love & Compassion

Isaac quickly claimed his spot in the Butler family. “He’s beautiful, energetic and healthy,” says Heather. “I tease that he’s got the Balken energy and the Butler attitude! So both sets of in-laws are like, ‘have fun!’”

Have fun they do. Mason says he couldn’t ask for a better brother. In the summer the boys like to play baseball and go tubing. Payton sums up her family’s latest addition saying, “I feel really good about having Isaac in our lives.”

Just before Isaac’s adoption, Heather and Dan decided she would leave her job and become a stay at home mom. This would be the ideal combination for Heather to stay home with her three children under the age of 7 and allow her to pursue all of the volunteer activities that were so important to her. “I knew I needed something that would fulfill that part of me,” she explains.

She signed on as a patient care volunteer with Hospice of the Red River Valley. That means, on any given day, Heather could be reading to patients, walking with them, writing letters for them or cleaning their homes. “One patient was bed-ridden and in and out of consciousness,” she remembers. “But he and his wife were big card players. So I’d go in and play cards with his wife.”

Deb Kluck, Volunteer Services Manager at Hospice of the Red River Valley, says it was obvious from the start that Heather believed in the program and loves what she does. “She is very dedicated to a patient when she is matched,” says Deb. “She has been called in at a moments notice and will sit with a patient—even into the night. You just feel good when you are around her. She treats patients and families like they have been friends for a long time. She makes people feel comfortable.”

When she talks about Hospice, Heather shows no signs of sadness and defeat, only compassion and empathy. She feels she is helping people pass on with dignity and love. She says being a Hospice volunteer has taught her a lot about how she would like to be treated when she reaches that stage. “When I’m old and my kids have grown up and moved away, I wish that someone, even if it’s a perfect stranger, would think that I’m important enough to spend a few hours with,” she passionately states. “To help someone through that process is hopefully a gift for them, but truly, it’s a gift for me.”

And Heather’s volunteer work doesn’t stop with Hospice. She makes regular visits to nursing homes and, through her church, spends time at Innovis Hospital and bringing communion to homebound parishioners.

Heather often brings along Payton, Mason and Isaac to help cheer up the people she helps while volunteering and she hopes her children are learning the same lesson she did when her mother brought her to nursing homes when she was younger. That’s part of the reason why Heather chose to send Isaac to Elim Childcare and Senior Living Community for pre-school.

It’s true that Heather Butler’s life didn’t turn out the way she planned. She never intended to find the love of her life the second time around. Nor did she know that she’d adopt a child. Or have time to devote to her passion for volunteering. But even through all the ups and downs—a divorce, hysterectomy, remarriage, new role as a stepmother, adoption—Heather has never asked, ‘why me?’ In fact, she’s grateful for all of the challenges, heartache and joy that has come her way. “Embrace it. Live it. Love it.” she says with a smile.