more than turtlenecks & tube socks modesty…

story by | heather bjur, MA, LAMFT

The fashion world can be challenging to navigate these days. With plunging necklines, offensive t-shirts, and ultra-low-cut jeans, our kids need to be very aware of how they are dressing their bodies. But modesty is more than skin deep. The way students dress, the words they choose, and the attitude they present send a message to the world about their identity. When it comes to modesty, the question our children must ask themselves is, “How do I want the world to know me?”

The topic of modesty can be a tough one in 2014. Even understanding what modesty means can be tricky. Does modesty mean being totally covered up in dress and treating yourself as less-than everyone else? Do only ‘religious’ people care about modesty? Is it old fashioned? From arguments over scantily clad women on billboards to the lunchroom banter at your local middle or high school, it’s a topic that gets more attention than we often realize. self-respect: pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity There are negative messages we can easily listen to just about everywhere we go. We don’t have to look far to hear messages like, “you’re not pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough, strong enough,” and on and on. The first step in establishing self-respect in our children is to instill in them an understanding of their priceless value and worth as a person, just because they’re them. Their behavior, grades, achievements, and mistakes don’t define them as a person. They have infinite value simply by being themselves, zits and all! self-control: the ability to control oneself, in particular one's emotions and desires, or the expression of them in one's behavior, esp. in difficult situations

What does it mean to be modest? A simple definition is this: having a moderate view of oneself—neither too lofty, nor too low. The way a person views himself or herself sets the stage for everything else in life: our vocabulary, our dress, our choice of friends, spouse, and even vocation. Our bodies and our words send a message to the world around us…they can say things like, “I’m depressed,” or, “I’m really insecure and will do anything to attract attention,” or “I think very highly of myself: I’m obviously better than you,” and a myriad of other messages. How do we as parents guide and teach our children to have a healthy, moderate sense of self, both in word and in action and dress? It’s a matter of starting with a firm foundation of self-respect and self-control.

Part of having healthy self-respect includes having healthy boundaries. Teaching your children where they end and others begin, so to speak, is of utmost importance. Will they have the ability to say no when temptations to cheat, take bribes, or have sex too soon come along? Part of the strength to refuse temptations like these comes from knowing that they don’t have to participate in anything that makes them uncomfortable, regardless of who is asking. Their bodies are their own, their homework is their own, and reacting with a firm, caring answer will take care of most ugly situations.

“I’m sorry, I’m not going to give you the answers, but if you need help with your homework, maybe I can help you,” or “If you respect me enough to date me, you’ll respect that I’m not going to have sex with you.” If the boundaries they set aren’t respected at that point, it’s honorable to walk away.

Along with self-respect and boundaries is teaching them to simply be kind. Not push-over kind, but strong, caring, and respectful of others. Genuine kindness goes a long way in this world and is noticed by everyone.

How do you raise a child who doesn’t feel the need to follow the crowd? At a time when bullying seems to be at an all-time high, and the pressure to fit in can be crushing, a child who knows who he or she is, and understands that imperfection is part of our human condition, will have the ability to maintain his or her individuality when the rough times come.

Self-control goes hand in hand with self-respect. Teaching your child that he or she must wait sometimes, and to discern between what is healthy and what is harmful to him, will predicate much of his success in life. Marriage and family therapist David Walsh, PhD, who wrote the book, “No!” Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear it and Ways Parents Can Say It conducted an exercise in self-control several years ago by presenting several kindergarteners with a choice. They were given a big marshmallow and told that they could eat it if they wanted to, but if they waited, they would receive two MORE marshmallows when the teacher returned to the room. They were given the initial marshmallow and were left alone for a couple minutes, while the video camera rolled. It was found that the children who were able to wait and were subsequently rewarded with the extra marshmallows continued to show more self-control throughout their school careers, and in many cases had more success, than those who hadn’t waited.

Are you wondering what happened to the discussion of modesty? Here’s where it all comes together: a person who possesses self-respect and self-control is set up for success to build respect for his own body and others’. Others’ bodies, you ask? Absolutely! It’s just as important for our youth to know the value and importance of the bodies of those around them as it is to value their own. Shelly Donahue, national positive youth development speaker, addresses this subject when teaching sexual integrity: “Unless you’re going to marry the person that you’re dating in middle or high school [which the statistics say is extremely unlikely in our society], you’re dating somebody else’s husband/wife. And we don’t have sex with other people’s husbands or wives!”

In a “ME, ME, ME!” world, the ability to show respect and value for another person’s body is utterly priceless. wear it with meaning

Clinton Kelly from TLC’s What Not to Wear has been known to say things like, “Leave something to the imagination! Don’t just give away all your secrets! Mystery is very alluring.” When it comes to clothing, teaching your kids to ask the question, “What does this outfit say about me to the world?” is an excellent approach to help them to think for themselves and evaluate their choices by their own high standards.

When you’ve taught your children to have self-control and self-respect, you’ve truly given them a language by which they are able to speak a modest, appropriate, attractive self to the world. You might be thinking to yourself, “I’ve never been purposeful about teaching these things to my children…is it too late?” It’s never, ever too late to start teaching these important character traits. Even if you only have a year left with your high school student, take the time you have and invest; you’ll never regret it.

Originally from northern Iowa, Heather [a UNI alum] and hubby, Chris [an NDSU alum], joke about having a friendly rivalry right in their own home. She currently practices marriage and family therapy at Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo where her areas of interest include: women and couples experiencing infertility, fertility education, post-partum depression, abortion recovery, anxiety, depression, premarital, marital, and children’s therapy. When she's not conducting therapy sessions, she's blowing bubbles and making sand pies in the backyard with her sweet boys, Elijah [4] and Ezra [2]. An avid baker and cook, her secret wish is to one day become the next Barefoot Contessa. 701.237.3009