bullies: adult help needed or not?

It is Emily’s first day at school. She asks some classmates if she can sit at their table. They tell her it is being saved, but one of the students knows this is not true.

Bridget and Josephine are at the library when Josephine receives a text message from Ann. She is making fun of Josephine’s clothes.

Ellen is sitting in class when she notices that Tony is poking Bob’s leg every time the teacher turns his/her back.

Joe and Lilly are running for class president. Joe tells Tom that he is going to start a rumor that Lilly cheated on a test.

It is time for recess and Paul feels sick to his stomach. He knows that Dalton and his friends are waiting for him outside. He wonders how they are going to hurt him today.

Bullying comes in all shapes and sizes, all socioeconomic groups, both genders and all ages. How do adults help the situation and empower the child being picked on and let the child doing the bullying know it’s not okay? Let’s first take a look at defining and understanding what bullying is and what it isn’t and what you the adult can do to help the children in your life.

bullying: what it is and what it isn’t

Bullying is defined as a stronger, more powerful person hurting or frightening a smaller or weaker person deliberately and repeatedly. There are 3 key words for us as adults to take out of that definition. Those words are power, deliberate and repeatedly. Let’s look at the difference between bullying and typical, normal arguing or disagreeing between children.

rough play or horse play: usually happens between friends, repeated, balance of power, no intent to harm, children feel friendly and positive toward each other.

real fighting: usually happens between children who are not friends, typically does not happen more than once, power is relatively equal, intent to harm, the children feel negative, aggressive, tense, and hostile toward each other.

bullying: usually does not happen between friends (except for girls), generally repeated, unequal power, intent to harm, the victim and the bully will feel differently about the experience.

Another way to help us understand is to look at some myths that pertain to bullying. Here are just a few of those false statements:

Bullies are usually the most unpopular students in school. —Bullies can be anyone.

Bullies typically have low self-esteem. —Most bullies feel very good about themselves.

Bullying is a “harmless rite of passage” that should be ignored. —Bullying should never be ignored.

Bullying is only about being physically hurt. – Bullying can also be verbal, social and emotional.

Bullies are only boys. —Both boys and girls are involved in bullying. Their bullying looks very different, though.

Bullying only occurs on playgrounds and in neighborhoods. —Bullying has entered the world of the internet. Cyber bullying is not something to be ignored and happens through e-mail, text messaging and other internet possibilities.

bullying: girls are different than boys

Girls do bully differently than boys. They usually don’t act as the stereotypical, tough playground or neighborhood bully that picks on one or two weaker students. Girl bullies work in groups with a leader. The bullying will tend to be more emotional, psychological and relational. Some examples of girl bullying are:

• Spreading of rumors and gossip

• Leaving hurtful messages by way of notes, voicemails, instant messaging, etc.

• Socially shutting others out

• Non-verbal signs of disapproval – rolling of eyes, glaring, sighs, whispers

• Name calling bullying: how do adults help the bully

If you think a young person in your life could be a bully, watch for these signs: enjoy putting others down, don’t care about others feelings, disrespect authority and people who are different from them, disregard rules, need to have power over others and enjoy violence. Once you notice more than one of these signs over a period of time, here’s what you can do to help:

• Stay calm. Focus on how to help them learn positive behavior.

• Talk about it. Ask them why they bully others. Help them come up with nonviolent ways to deal with their strong feelings.

• Make it clear you think bullying is wrong and set clear, nonviolent consequences for any future bullying behavior.

bullying: how do adults help the bullied

That is a big question and one that many adults struggle with. We tend to use strategies that either we grew up with or we believe will work. Some of those methods are: ignore the bullying and it will stop, fight back and put the bully in their place, etc. Unfortunately, those methods have not been working and often can actually make things worse. Before the young person in your life even goes to school there are strategies that you can teach them. Here are a few listed below: a. How to seek help from an adult. b. Encourage them to stay with a group of friends and not put themselves in situations where they are alone. c. Encourage your child to stand up for themselves by using their words and not their fists. Teach them the difference between assertive- ness and aggressiveness. Model for them how to use their body language to show they are not afraid. source: Olweus: Bullying Prevention Program, Stop Bullying Now, The National Alliance for Parent Centers, Denver Public Schools, Prevent Child Abuse America

1. Start early in teaching your child how to advocate for themselves.

2. Teach them different problem solving methods.

3. Encourage peer relationships and teach them social skills. That will help reduce their vulnerability to bullying behaviors.

As soon as a child begins school there are also strategies that can be effective. Let’s take a look at those strategies that work and can make the situation better instead of worse.

1. Key in to the words “picked on” when your child is reporting a situation to you. Those words imply that it is ongoing and not a one time occurrence.

2. Define the words “tattling” and “reporting.” Children need to know that tattling is what they do when they are trying to get another child in trouble. Reporting is what they do when a child is trying to keep themselves or another student safe.

3. Listen to the child in your life as they report situations and keep your emotions in check. Children will mimic the emotion that the adult they are telling is experiencing. Try and get the factual information needed: who, what, when, where and how.

4. If the situation is happening at school, contact school officials (principal, school counselor, classroom teacher) and work with them to help solve the problem.

5. Teach the child in your life safety strategies.

6. Help the child in your life develop their talents and strengths. When children feel good about themselves they are more apt to assert themselves in situations when they need to.

Bullying affects everyone in a family. There can be serious consequences. Children who are bullied can feel depressed, anxious, lonely, physically sick, etc. A child’s home is where they should feel safe and loved. It should be a place where they know they can take shelter both physically and emotionally. Bullying will be combated when you and the child in your life keep communication lines open. You can be the difference that a child needs.