angela smith out loud living

There are mental scars, physical scars, large scars and deep scars that leave more of an impact than others. Scars remind us of what we’ve been through and what we’ve learned from this journey we call life. Some scars leave us feeling defeated, while others give us a new direction. Angela Smith bears a scar on her right arm. A physical reminder of all she has overcome.

story by | karina hodny photography by | rialee photography

Itis reported that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault. The Rape and Abuse Crisis Center here in Fargo provided services for 1,699 victims of domestic violence in 2007. Domestic violence is an issue that desperately needs a voice. “You go through three stages when you’re in a domestic violence situation,” explains Angela Smith, Fargo mother of four and reigning Mrs. North Dakota International. “You go from victim to survivor and then to hero. It’s not Superman kind of hero, but it is the hero of your own story. You make a choice to rise above it.” This is how Angela found her voice and chose to become the hero of her story.

VICTIM Angela was working as a waitress while going to college when she met Todd*. “He was the embodiment of all things charming,” recalled Angela. “I was completely star struck.” He was good looking, said all the right things and swept Angela off her feet. In a few short months they were married, but things quickly changed.

“It was night and day difference after we got married. Within five days of getting married [he] was a completely different man.” Todd’s controlling nature was the first sign of trouble ahead. Angela was working in addition to going to college and each payday, as she arrived home, she was met at the door and instructed to hand over her paycheck and to keep fifteen dollars for herself. He also put gas in her car so she had enough to get to work and back home. “A lot of it started as little stuff and escalated from there.” Todd’s controlling nature transitioned into an unmanageable temper and verbal and physical abuse followed. The man Angela thought she married was not the man she was living with. She was living in fear of what would come next and what the consequences would be.

One day as Angela ran home between class and work, Todd demanded she make dinner before leaving. She quickly put a frozen pizza in the oven, but time got away from her. The pizza was burned, which sent Todd into a rage. His solution to teach Angela to never let this happen again was to leave a painful reminder. He took the hot cookie sheet from the oven and burned her upper arm. The resulting scar would impact her life far greater than the physical pain of that night.

SURVIVOR What is it like to be hostage to an angry man in your home? “When he was there it was ugly,” recalled Angela. “When he wasn’t there it was tense because I never knew when he was coming home.” Angela knew she needed to get out of the abusive situation she found herself in. She needed to do it for herself and for an even bigger reason. Angela was pregnant.

A warm day in October started like most others, but would end much differently. “I had no idea I was leaving when I woke up in the morning,” recalled Angela. “I had been working late and all the tip money was gone from the drawer. Todd had been ill tempered and yelling more than normal, even doing it in front of his sister once. I remember thinking throughout the day that we were headed for a serious blow up and being nervous that there was no way to predict when it would happen.”

“I knew I couldn’t risk my pregnancy,” Angela continued. “I found strength in knowing that I had a responsibility to my child to make his life as safe as possible and staying with Todd meant risking that safety daily.”

Angela decided to talk to her parents, who to this point only had a vague idea that something was not right. She stopped by the salon where she knew her mom was getting her hair done and by chance her dad was there as well. Angela gave them a brief overview of what was happening. “They were 100% supportive and that support gave me the courage to take that first step out the door,” Angela remembered. “I knew I wasn’t alone - I had a plan.” Her mind was set, but before returning one last time to her home, she made one more decision for herself.

“I looked at the other stylist on duty and asked if she had time to cut my hair. She said ‘sure what do you want to do?’ ‘Cut it all off’ I told her. We put it in a pony tail and cut it off. It was one of the most liberating things I’d ever done. Todd loved my hair long. He commented on it almost daily and by cutting it off I was not only telling him, I was showing him that he wasn’t in control of me, my hair or my life anymore.”

Angela knew Todd was angry about her hair cut when they met in the doorway. “I knew I’d hit a nerve, but rather than apologizing as he expected I actually pushed past him as I replied ‘It doesn’t matter, I won’t be here in the morning.’ He was actually speechless and I had to remind him he was going to be late for work.” Four months pregnant, Angela left Todd.

Angela and her son started their new life and through a church event, she met her husband. Jared was everything he seemed and more. “Angela is a loving and caring person,” Jared explains. “She is very positive about life and everything that is thrown at her.”

HERO Writing has provided Angela an opportunity to heal. She credits a creative writing instructor at NDSU for encouraging her to deal with her history, a history she wasn’t sure she really needed to deal with – until she started writing poetry. “She told me ’you need to be doing more with this and you need to be using your poetry to deal with whatever your demons are.’ Writing gave me a voice when I was still too scared to voice anything aloud. It took the pieces of my experience, brought them together and held them in place keeping them from destroying me until I found a way to heal the hurt and suck the poison out of my heart. Then when I was ready to spit it out it gave me a way of saying ‘I’m not crazy,’ this was real and it won’t control my life anymore. Now those writings have given me a way to reach others and show them that hope brings healing and healing brings happiness.”

Being Mrs. North Dakota International has allowed Angela the opportunity to help many people. “I’m not a beauty queen. I’m a title holder and I’m working to make a difference. “

“Angela has a gift of expressing her survival and strength through her poetry and public speaking,” Greg Diehl, Executive Director, Rape & Abuse Crisis Center explains. “She brings an authentic voice to domestic violence and her message is strong. We appreciate the fact that she is highlighting domestic violence through her platform.” YWCA Cass Clay Executive Director, Erin Prochnow adds, “Her personal challenges, both as a woman and a mother, have provided an interesting perspective, as we work with women who have faced similar challenges. Angela lends a great blend of empowerment, education, and compassion to the issue of domestic violence.”

Angela has touched countless people while speaking at events like the Take Back the Night, being a part of the Clothesline Project, working with the Fargo Moorhead YWCA shelter or simply handing out her autograph card. This past summer at an appearance during the Red River Valley Fair Angela was approached by a young girl no older than ten. She wanted to know what domestic violence was. Angela, while taken aback by the question from someone so young, explained that domestic violence is when someone you love hurts you whether you live with them or not. The little girl proceeded to tell Angela, “My daddy hits my mommy and makes her cry.”

“It killed me,” Angela recalled. The typical autograph card of someone in Angela’s position includes sponsorship information, but hers includes domestic violence website resources. “There’s a safety mechanism there,” she explained. “It’s just a pretty picture that someone brought home and most abusers are not going to pay attention to it.” Angela gave the little girl the card and the little girl assured her she would pass it on to her mom. “I felt, especially this past year that I was in a position to be where I needed to be when I was needed to be there.”

On March 28th a new Mrs. North Dakota International will be crowned. “It has been a journey getting to a place where I could work past my fear and make myself uncomfortable in order to help others. I hope I have helped people see that it is about giving back to others and using the crown not as a pedestal, but as a microphone.”

It’s unfortunate to have had the experiences that Angela has had, but she feels that much good has come from it. “It gives the abuser so much more power when we don’t talk about it.” With local shelters filled beyond capacity, domestic violence is still prevalent. The stories of those who persevere and become the hero of their story, as Angela has, bring hope to those 1 in 4 feeling defeated, powerless and victimized by some type of domestic violence. To those, Angela lends this advice, “First, I would tell them they are stronger than they think they are. I would remind them that people care and are willing to help, but they have to take the first step. They have to reach out to someone and let them know they aren’t alone. Regardless of how bad things are right now they can get better, but they have to take a leap and step into the unknown. No one can fight their battle for them, but they will find themselves surrounded by allies if they are willing to allow others in. Finally, I would tell them not to lose hope.”

Angela can be assured she has made a difference and is the hero of her story. “For me the most gratifying part of my work is seeing hope in someone’s eyes when it wasn’t there before. It is reaching out to someone who is struggling, taking their hand, sharing my story and seeing the faintest spark of faith in themselves. I know that spark will start a fire and help another woman take control and move forward and she in turn will reach out to someone else someday and eventually we will stop the violence in our homes.”

North Dakota International Pageant

March 27th & 28th

Fargo South High School Theater

For more information: 701.232.3196 or www.ndpageants.com