Stupid Things Men Have Said to Me on Dating Apps

Hannah Armour

DEPUTY EDITOR IN CHIEF

Ishould start this by confessing something. I am banned from Tinder. I may, or may not have made a joke I was 15 in a message to a guy when in fact I was 19. As a result, my dating app of choice has been Hinge since then. For those unfamiliar with Hinge, you can see who likes your profile before you’ve seen theirs. The below, are all first messages I’ve received from men.

Firstly, the YOU category:

“You :) (tongue emoji)”

“You’re the epitome of the word ‘wholesome’”

“You are like a dancing floor” Because you’re going to walk all over me? I’m multicoloured and chequered? If anyone has an explanation, please get in touch. we cuddle up and binge watch Harry Potter together”) Side note, what about me screams Harry Potter? I’ve never read the books.

Boring! Where’s the spice?:

“So cuteee!”

“Gorgeous x”

Just say you have a ginger fetish.

“Hey Ginge”

“Stunning red hair and a really sweet smile”

Oh, there’s the spice:

“Can’t decide which one’s prettier, the girl or the architecture” How dare you disrespect the Acropolis like that.

“Yeah well can you be seductive whilst eating a hummus coated carrot?” I don’t understand either.

“You are the most English looking girl I’ve ever seen. Where are you from?” Since putting on my profile I had to take the ‘Life in the UK’ test to get citizenship, English men have been thoroughly baffled as to how I, a white woman, can be not English (I’m American). “You look absolutely stunning in your profile and you’ve got such beautiful eyes! I’d love the chance to talk more and to get to know you better if that’s okay with you too?” Sweetie pie. Angel. Darling. Virgin. 21 years with that name but this is the first time I’ve noticed! Sarcasm or not, where’s the originality?

“Pretty, tick. Great fashion sense (I love your outfits), tick. interests in common, tick. Cute smile, tick. sounds like a perfect match! Would love to chat and get to know you better :)” Just cause I checked your boxes doesn’t mean you check mine buddy—not a perfect match!

“I love all your curves but my favourite is your smile” I know with every fibre of my being he sends this to every girl he likes.

“Why do you look like you’re a beautiful elf who lives in the woods?” Why? Because I am one. Next question.

“What a beautiful photo! Tell me more about it? Who’s the other person? :)” At least he was clear about his motives (my flatmate in the picture wasn’t seduced by his bold tactics.)

To those of you who want to meet people “organically”, I applaud your commitment and stubbornness, but you’re missing out on some absolute gold.

“You must be the golden snitch because you’re the most valuable catch here” (Honourable mention: “Can “Dunno if you knew this Hannah but your name is the same forwards and backwards” Brand new information! I’ve been alive