OFM March 2021 :: FIERCE FEMMES

Vivek Shraya

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LADYSPEECH SANKOFA// photo by Julius Garrido

CONTENTS

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06 08 12 14 21 24 32 40 42 48 54 56 61 64

VOLUME 44 NUMBER 21 MARCH 2021

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OFM BREAKING

Vaccine Rollout with Governor Polis Kamala Harris: First Female, POC VP

OFM HEALTH

The Patriarchal Decline of America’s Nutrition

OFM GALLERY

LadySpeech Sankofa

OFM ART

Barbara Danczik

OFM CULTURE Melissa Rivers Jasika Nicole

VIVEK SHRAYA REDEFINES FAILURE INTO FIERCENESS OFM DRAG

Awkward Clown Boy

OFM MUSIC

Claire Heywood

OFM STYLE

Mods Beauty & Fashion

OFM DINING Ototo Den

OFM THOUGHTS A Queer in Recovery American Queer Life

OFM CANNABIS OFM LUST

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W

hat does it mean to be fierce, and to be femme?

This is one that I could talk about all day. And much of the time, the idea of being “fierce” in one’s femininity becomes a cliche. One thinks of pussy hats, whitewashed feminism, and girl power.

FROM THE EDITOR

But, when I look around at the community, and at myself, I see a lot more than that. The definitions of being a fierce-femme do not fit in any boxes. To live your best, fierce-femme life, you don’t have to be a woman, and you certainly don’t have to be cis, white, or “conventially attractive,” whatever that means.

Being femme can mean having breasts, big ones, or none at all. It can mean having a penis, not having a penis, shaving your head, or letting those luxurious locks grow. You can live your best, femme life in a button-down and jeans or a band t-shirt, like I do, or you can rock a dress every day and still be tough as hell. It’s all about your brand of femme and what you want to project to the world.

For a long time, queer media has not been very femme; it’s been super white, cis and male. One of the challenges myself and the magazine’s other copublisher, Maggie Phillips, are facing in our new roles is how to make even more space for femmes, but it comes pretty naturally to us, since femme folx come in all shapes and sizes. There’s no right way to do it, and no wrong way, as long as you’re feeling yourself.

So, this Women’s History Month, I challenge you to think beyond the binary when you think of what femininity is, and what it isn’t. Celebrating women is not just about patting the backs of successful women in pants suits, and telling the women who work raising children that they are valid, too. Those women are a part of the struggle, but only because of the rights won for them by women of color, trans women, and queer women through the years.

Happy femme month, y’all!

-Addison Herron-Wheeler

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OFM breaking

UPDATE:

VACCINE ROLLOUT WITH GOVERNOR POLIS

by Ray Manzari

T

here’s been no shortage of confusion surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine rollout plan, on both a state and federal level. While some missteps are to be expected, given the unprecedented scale and speed at which the vaccine is being distributed, we sought to clear up some of that confusion. We reached out to Governor Jared Polis and were able to ask some of the reoccurring questions we’ve seen regarding Colorado’s vaccination plan. The following is a transcript of the recorded interview.

Both. The new, federal guidelines prioritize age 75 and up, in Colorado; we went with age 70 and up because it turns out more than three quarters of our [COVID] deaths in Colorado have been people aged 70 and up. This virus can be deadly for people of all ages, and tragically, we’ve lost people in their 20s and 30s, but it is even more deadly for people over 70, which also represent over 40 percent of hospitalizations. So, our goal is that more than 70 percent of people aged 70 and up are vaccinated by the end of February.

Unfortunately, responses to the pandemic have become highly politicized. You’re up for reelection next year; is that affecting your response to COVID at all?

Are you confident that enough Coloradans will be willing to receive vaccinations in order to achieve herd immunity?

The short answer is no; reelection has nothing to do with the science-based decision-making that we use to balance our approach in Colorado. We take into account the need to save lives, prevent our hospitals from overflowing, the need for economic opportunity and jobs, and the need of social and emotional fulfillment. Colorado has done a good job with being more open than most states, and keeping a lower COVID rate, and we try to navigate that in real time using the data.

Were the recent changes to the vaccine rollout plan made to reflect new, federal guidelines or in response to statistics coming from within Colorado?

9News recently covered a story regarding confusion among educators about when they’ll be able to receive vaccines. Can you speak on that?

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Yeah, at this point, the demand far exceeds the supply of vaccines. And there’s many people over 70, and certainly many more over 65, who simply can’t wait to get it. People of all ages are asking when they can get it. As long as we as a society can achieve a good immunization rate in the 70-to-80-percent range, while COVID will continue to exist, it won’t be at the epidemic level that we have today, and the pandemic will be over.

What measures is the state taking to ensure groups who have been affected disproportionately by the pandemic will have access to the vaccine?

We’ve really centered equity in our efforts to distribute the vaccine. So, in addition to working through the conventional hospital system and pharmacies, we’ve done stand-up clinics in Costilla County, one of the lowest-income counties in Colorado, and in Center, Colorado, in San Luis, Colorado.

We’ve also done stand-up vaccination clinics for people aged 70 and up in Black churches in Denver and community centers in Aurora, and there’s many more to come.

Does Colorado have plans to vet people prior to vaccination? For example, do people need to show proof of age or employment before being vaccinated?

So yeah, people are certainly being asked for any form of I.D.; it doesn’t need to be a state I.D. or driver’s license, which obviously covers most people, but for people who don’t have that, it could be a consular I.D., a birth certificate, a passport, any kind of document like that. And, you know, if there’s a few Coloradans over 70 without those kinds of documentation, we still want to get them vaccinated.

Now is that just for Coloradans over 70, or will you be implementing similar measures when it comes to vaccinating essential workers? Will people have to show proof of employment?

Essentials workers will mostly be [vaccinated] through their employers. Meaning, if you work for Jefferson County School District, the school district will contract with a certain provider over a certain couple of days where you can get vaccinated if you work for the district. Same goes for RTD drivers. So, most of the essential workers will be vaccinated through clinics that are set up in conjunction with their employers and a hospital or pharmacy partner. There will be a few that might be in very small industries or that don’t have very large employers, and we’ll work on specific ways that they can also get the vaccine.

I wanted to give you the opportunity to comment on the recent attacks on the U.S. capitol and/or the House’s effort to move forward with impeachment?

States Capitol, and to see the floor boarded up, the sofas that I’ve sat on used as blockades to keep doors from being entered. It’s really—in many ways, it shows the end result of when you have a President like Donald Trump, who doesn’t value the rule of law and uses words to incite his followers into these kinds of actions. I hope it’s a wake-up call to the country, that we can’t take our republic for granted, and we need to continually, with each generation, renew our commitment to our constitution and to uphold the law.

OFM breaking

Yeah, educators and other essential workers, including bus drivers and others, are among the very first essential workers who will be vaccinated. And, at this point, we’re expecting to complete the people aged 70 and up by the end of February.

We’re hopeful that teachers and others can begin in early March. It’s all subject to the amount of vaccines we get from the federal government; if we get less, it will take longer; if we get more, it can come much sooner.

Polis stated that the decision to prioritize older Coloradans came from statistics showing that individuals 70 years and older accounted for more than 78 percent of the state’s coronavirus deaths. The changes also reflect new, federal guidelines for the vaccine, released late last year.

Though teachers and essential workers have been moved up to Phase 1b, there has been increasing confusion regarding when educators can expect to be vaccinated. Cherry Creek schools backtracked on its announcement to begin vaccinating its teachers “right away.” The new plan has teachers starting vaccinations in March.

“It just doesn’t seem to fall in line with the push to reopen schools,” Brooke Williams, president of the Jefferson County Education Association, told 9News. “It’s important for all frontline workers to get the vaccine.”

Denver Public Schools has issued a letter echoing the March timeline for teachers to begin vaccinations, while Douglas County Schools says some of its staff has already received invitations from Centura Health to be vaccinated.

OFM will continue to monitor updates from both local and state officials to provide you with the most up-to-date information.

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OFM breaking

KAMALA HARRIS

FIRST FEMALE, POC VP

by Ray Manzari

W

hen the Associated Press called Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 Presidential Election, history was made. Kamala Harris now holds the distinction of being the first woman, first Black person, and first South Asian person elected vice president. The significance of this, after a year like the past one, was not lost on voters throughout the country.

Jen Elis, the educator behind Senator Sanders’ nowfamous mittens, reflected on how Vice President Harris’ inauguration impacted her household.

“It was so powerful to sit with my daughter, who I love so much, and be like, ‘This is where you enter politics, right?

We have shielded you from Trump as much as possible, but this is what we want you to see: a wonderful, successful woman of color in such a powerful position.’ It was great to share that with [my daughter] and my partner, who’s also a woman, so we’re just a huge, feminist household celebrating this momentous occasion.”

For many women and girls across the United States, Harris’ election represents progress, hope, and the final blow to the proverbial glass ceiling. Harris has long credited female civil rights legends like Shirley Chisholm, Mary McLeod Bethune,

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and Fannie Lou Hamer as sources of inspiration, as well as her mother, Shyamala Gopalan.

Within the last few election cycles, more women have begun taking office. In fact, the 2020 election saw a total of 111 new, female members of the House of Representatives, 11 of which were republican, an important detail, as previous elections saw only female democrats win.

Harris was born in Oakland to immigrant parents, her mother originally from India and her father from Jamaica.

Before her election into the vice presidency, Harris was a deputy district attorney and served as the district attorney of the City and County of San Francisco. She was the first Black person and the first woman to become California’s attorney general, a position she held until 2016, when she ran to represent California in the U.S. Senate. She was also California’s first Black senator and the country’s first South Asian-American senator.

Vice President Harris has long been an advocate for women’s rights. She has been a pro-choice supporter for many years, and during the 2020 vice presidential debates, she let her outrage over the lack of conversation surrounding reproductive rights be known.

OFM breaking

“This is the sixth debate we have had in this presidential cycle. And not nearly one word, with all of these discussions about healthcare, on women’s access to reproductive healthcare, which is under full-on attack in America today. And it’s outrageous.”

However, the vice president is not without her skeptics. She has received backlash in the past for her record as a prosecutor, district attorney, and attorney general, a complicated history which was described in a Vox News article as follows: “She pushed for programs that helped people find jobs instead of putting them in prison, but also fought to keep people in prison even after they were proved innocent. She refused to pursue the death penalty against a man who killed a police officer, but also defended California’s death penalty system in court. She implemented training programs to address police officers’ racial biases, but also resisted calls to get her office to investigate certain police shootings.”

A history which seems full of contradictions; however, some supporters claim this was part of a delicate balancing act. Her race and gender only added to the complicated juggling of being California’s highest-ranked, law-enforcement official while also seeking to pass criminal justice reform.

After her historic win as VP, Kamala Harris’ short bio and history within politics was added to the National Women’s History Museum website. And, on the evening of November 7, 2020, standing on an outdoor stage in Wilmington, DE, Harris—wearing a suit in suffrage white—spoke to a crowd of cheering Americans about the work women have done, and continue to do, in the United States. She said: “When [my mother] came here from India at the age of 19, maybe she didn’t quite imagine this moment.

But, she believed so deeply in an America where a moment like this is possible. So, I’m thinking about her and about the generations of women—Black women, Asian, white, Latina, and Native-American women throughout our nation’s history who have paved the way for this moment tonight. Women who fought and sacrificed so much for equality, liberty, and justice for all, including the Black women, who are too often overlooked, but so often prove that they are the backbone of our democracy ... But, while I may be the first woman in this office, I won’t be the last. Because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities.”

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OFM health

THE PATRIARCHAL DECLINE OF

by Zachari Breeding, MS, RDN, CSO, LDN, FAND

P

icture it. 1945. World War II has ended, and the troops are coming home. This means the return to “classic” family values, right? Nothing could be further from the truth. It was this period of time that the de-evolution of nutritional health and well-being began, to the eventual detriment of public health across the country. But how did it all begin?

Pre-war, gender roles were stringent, and frankly, men were content. Though many women went to work during WWI (1914-1918), many left their jobs as men returned from war.

In the early 1930s, as the Great Depression wore on, women who did remain in the workforce were laid off—all because of societal norms and expectations that women were supposed to be wives, mothers, and homemakers.

Though resources were limited, cooking at home was ultimately the least expensive (and generally the most nutritious) option for most people. Of course, folks of color did not have the same level of employment opportunities and food access as those living in the white suburbs which ultimately resulted in worsening nutrition and increased risk of chronic disease such as heart disease and diabetes.

During WWII (1939-1945), women began to enter the workforce again in significant ways—millions of jobs were created, and thousands joined the military. The typical positions held by women at this time—also known as “pink-collar jobs”— included teachers, secretaries, nurses, and librarians, just to name a few. Many of these jobs were temporary or part-time.

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At the same time, 16 million men left their jobs to join the war. This job deficit provided ample opportunities for women to break into the job market and find their own American Dream. Still, newspapers, magazines, and other forms of media perpetuated the societal feeling that it was a woman’s role to keep tidy homes, raise children, and have a hot meal prepared for the husband at the end of the working day.

The glass ceiling kept many women from obtaining employment in positions that would inherently keep them from their “duties” as wives and mothers. It was late into the war when food rations and finances ran tight for most families; this continued for years to come. As a result, one can find a series of recipes from this time period that focused on inexpensive ingredients including meatloaf (because ground beef was cheap), Jell-O with chicken or hot dogs, and Oslo meals (think old-school Lunchables).

As the war concluded, women felt empowered and motivated to continue reaching for work outside of the home. This period of U.S. history, known as the “roots of the revolution,” is characterized by an influx of women choosing higher education and careers. As women infiltrated the workforce, there was a continued expectation that a “career” was still a long shot.

Women attaining a college or graduate-degree education were encouraged to attain an “M.R.S. degree,” indicating the expectation that a woman’s true success was centered around marriage and service to a husband. As generations of men continued to push women into temporary or part-

OFM health

And so began America’s fascination with quick-and-easy food that entices the palate with fat, salt, and sugar. The insurgence of processed foods into the American diet is arguably the result of the male resistance to women entering the workplace and having less time to carry out their expected duties determined by male-driven society.

The connection between nutrition and health was not wellresearched and even less well-reported during this time. The effects of fat on the heart, salt on blood pressure, and sugar on insulin resistance were concepts not even considered by the modern family during this time. The only intended goals were to make sure all members of the family were fed and full with good-tasting food in less time than a typical, homecooked meal.

The evidence is clear in today’s elderly population. Among those over the age of 70 (born 1950 or earlier), the most common causes of death include heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. These three, leading causes of death are directly correlated with nutrition—especially poor eating habits over a long period of time.

It’s no wonder nearly half of the overall causes of death in the U.S. are due to conditions related to poor nutrition: heart disease, stroke, diabetes, kidney diseases, and cancer.

Still, people of color are disproportionally impacted by these chronic illnesses because of continued segregation in the workplace, lower wages compared to white counterparts, and issues with food access. The influx of processed foods have taken over lower-income areas, creating food deserts where fast food restaurants significantly outnumber grocery stores. time work, discourage higher learning, and promote aged ideals—meals began changing.

The days of the woman of the house spending hours in the kitchen were dwindling. Women were not home as much as they used to be. After a long day at their own jobs, women were expected to continue to be the main caretaker of the house, the children, and the meals. You see where this is going: men wanted nothing to change, but things were changing; women were still expected to carry twice the workload at home, even as they spent less time at home. So the question was, what’s a woman to do?

Enter, processed foods. No joke! This is what happened: 1945: WWII ends.

1946: The advent of instant mashed potatoes.

1948: McDonald’s enters the market as one of the biggest, modern, fast-food restaurants with their “Speedee Service System.”

1953: Banquet begins offering frozen meat pies.

1954: Stouffer’s and Banquet release complete frozen lines of entrees.

Though there are many reasons why the world should not return to the way we lived right after WWII, shifts in how people view food are causing food manufactures (who aren’t going anywhere) to consider nutrition when developing new foods. Such food manufacturers have a much harder time these days developing foods with short ingredients lists while aiming to keep costs low.

To stay relevant, their aim is to highlight the healthpromoting impacts of their products (protein, fiber, probiotics, just to name a few). This shift has everything to do with the fact that, generally, people understand the way they eat can impact their health. Cooking at home has never been more popular thanks to home chefs on TV, cooking blogs, and modern appliances such as the air fryer and instant pot.

There is no question now that cooking fresh foods at home is healthier than microwaving a TV dinner or hitting up a fast-food joint. Still, the most important thing for any family remains the same—to enjoy a meal together. In doing so, let’s remember history and not relive it—there is a cost for convenience and a benefit to the appreciation of the origin of our food. outfrontmagazine.com 13

OFM gallery

LadySpeech Sankofa The Thriving King

by Veronica L. Holyfield

“That’s when I was like, ‘You can’t ever go back; you can’t ever not tell your truth; you can’t ever not speak your story. No matter what it cost you,’” ladyspeech explains. “Both my parents have suffered their own abuse, and didn’t focus on their healing, and that awarded me with some fucking bullshit. But, being able to bring that all on stage, releasing it, it was something that I couldn’t back up from.”

LadySpeech Sankofa (she/they/king) is a force to be reckoned with and makes that strength clear in every breath, every movement, every mantra, and every moment. It has been a long, rough, and unyielding road that has brought them to this place of Kingdomhood, and yet, they remain steadfast in the pursuit of healing.

In the first moments of conversation, LadySpeech takes us to a depth so far down, most dare never reach, much less allow others to bear witness. The topic at hand is identity, and as a Black, queer, genderfluid poet, public speaker, activist, healer, lover, and dominatrix, there is so much more emotion embedded in their identity than words can truly describe. There is nothing surface-level about LadySpeech, and we dig into a fully-embraced personhood that stems from an historical and personal foundation of trauma and triumph.

“My identity is centered around healing, because for so long, my identity and my life revolved around oppression,” LadySpeech states, taking a long moment to pause while allowing the tears to stream down their cheek.

“My life revolves around life, and the things

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that give me life. I owe it to my ancestors, my very Black and my very queer ancestors, to be defined in my joy because there are so many things hell-bent on my destruction.”

Wearing vulnerability and truth like armor, LadySpeech leans far into the discomfort of those oppressive, destructive forces, and has turned it into intense opposition to the societal construct. Unafraid, uncensored, and resilient as fuck, they have gained power in taking back that personal agency and authority over their voice, their body, and their magic.

“Our healing is our ancestors’ healing.

Connecting with all of that, and the inbetween story, is a horrific thing, but the story of our magic emerges from that as well,” they say.

After growing up in a Jahovah’s Witness household, LadySpeech’s dad was physically abusive and kicked them out of the house, requiring them to live at the houseless, youth shelter Urban Peak. They talk of feeling extremely isolated and craving a safe

Photos by Julius Garrido

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space where they could delve into a spirituality that felt more authentic, more connected, and more personal. They began to explore other realms, invited internal honesty, and discovered their own, inner magic.

“My spiritual path really made it OK for me to admit all the other aspects of me,” they explain. “It really made it OK to be like, ‘You’re queer; you’re gay as fuck.’ From there, all my definitions from being an artist, being sex-positive, being into kink, from also being able to admit how fucking broken I was from being abused ... being able to admit the pain, and the trauma, and the intersections, and intricacies really came from a place of isolation when I was in a fucking homeless shelter and had to really fend for myself.”

It was through these realizations that LadySpeech started taking to the art of spoken word and performance as a way to process, protest, and demand respect. Refusing to remain silenced as they had with their father growing up, as they had by the molestation that happened to them as a child, as they had been muted by the terror that was their life experiences, art became life-saving.

Describing the night that everything changed, LadySpeech remembers a performance of their spoken word poetry at Brother Jeff ’s Cultural Cafe at the age of 17. Having already built a reputation of being a pristine, technical performer, they explain how that night was uniquely different than all the others. With the realization that there was nothing more to lose, they poured it all out on the stage and transcended their own story, reaching into the story of their ancestors, and manifesting a divine understanding of what their powers truly were.

“That’s when I was like, ‘You can’t ever go back; you can’t ever not tell your truth; you can’t ever not speak your story. No matter what it cost you,’” they explain. “Both my parents have suffered their own abuse, and didn’t focus on their healing, and that awarded me with some fucking bullshit.

But, being able to bring that all on stage, releasing it; it was something that I couldn’t back up from.”

LadySpeech’s activism and art is based on speaking that authentic truth, regardless of the outcome. They describe how there is a performance

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“

aspect to how they present story; their vulnerability is not performative. It is multi-dimensional; it is honest; it is raw; it is raunchy; it is nasty; it is sexual; it is courageous; it is political; it is confrontational, and it does not go without criticism.

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“

It’s really important as a Black, pansexual femme that I’m seen for my whole truth.

“It’s really important as a Black, pansexual femme that I’m seen for my whole truth,” LadySpeech emphasizes. “I got censored for being fucking fat, Black, and pansexual on Instagram.

It’s a political statement for me to be seen as fully as I am, for me to speak my truth.”

Part of what motivates LadySpeech to be so unapologetic is the fact that they have confronted their inner self and risen above surviving, arriving at a place of thriving.

LadySpeech is empowered through BDSM and kink, and asserts themself through sex work, reclaiming personal agency and power in areas of their life that were taken from them at such a young age.

“Being a survivor, my childhood rape was particularly kink-filled, and there was a level of brutality … I was also introduced to roleplaying, so because of that, in my development, I associated violence with sexuality,” they explain. “When I was coming into my peak, I associated that in a very nasty way, put myself in some fucked-up positions, and was attracting people who were there to take advantage of me. So, kink helped me, along with therapy and spiritual healing; it gave me an outlet for that.”

Now, LadySpeech can act out those scenes with boundaries that don’t re-traumatize them, and they explain that in the event that it does trigger a traumatizing moment, there is a space where they can work through it. Healing through sex positivity and kink, Lady Speech sees working with their clients in the sex-work realm as a form of reparations.

In their sex work, LadySpeech does not charge Black and Indigenous people for these scenes, but they do charge white people; the reason being that they do a lot of ancestral work and address privilege through this spiritual and monetary exchange.

“As a witch, as a healer, as a priestess, I actually have some sex magic workshops, and part of that is about using sex to access different parts of our psyche to address things.

There’s a lot of work that I do around power dynamics.

“It’s a space where I’m very clear with my clients that there is a reason why they are called to me; we’re here to work some things out. We agree spiritually their ancestors did some

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“

I’m gonna live the fuck out loud and be unapologetic because that’s what the hell it takes.

“

shit, so we’re gonna address that. Kink is a space where people get real vulnerable, and a lot of truth can be addressed and spoken,” they say.

For photographer Julius Garrido, he saw the strength, the courage, the bravery, the unashamed ferocity in LadySpeech and knew he wanted to feature her in the “Fierce Femmes” issue of OFM. “LadySpeech brings to the table this fresh perspective on self-awareness, affirmation, appreciation to your body,” he says. “She’s changing that self-perception, like, ‘Be who you are.’ They’re for self-appreciation, and their energy is what we need right now.”

Garrido explains that LadySpeech was a unique type of model because they walked in with no barriers, no walls to have to push through; they were comfortable with themselves, and that was easy to capture on film.

“Their aura was helping the collaboration; they send out this emotionality, which is like a gift to the people that they can feed upon,” he explains.

Grabbing spontaneous snapshots became a fast-paced game between the two, encapsulating the various sides, personalities, and expressions that LadySpeech evokes in their poetry and art. While the pandemic and the civil rights movement of 2020 still weigh heavily on all of us, the pair were able to unveil tenderness, softness, playfulness, sensitivity, and wildness. Never bashful, the images convey the heedless confidence that LadySpeech embodies.

“I’m gonna live this shit out loud. I’m gonna live the fuck out loud and be unapologetic because that’s what the hell it takes,” LadySpeech affirms. “I see what happens when you die and they misrepresent your story. I’m gonna leave as much evidence as possible, like this was the true, the good, the bad, the ugly of it, the glittery, and the gritty, and the pretty, and the ghetto, and the bougie; all of this is what it is, and it’s a beautiful thing to fucking behold.”

Allowing the gift of life, community, love, and support, there also comes the need to accept the bad, the need to make space for the ugly, and to make space for mending the pain. LadySpeech finds the balance of understanding that the nasty doesn’t cancel out the beauty, and we must embrace it all in order to thrive.

“Being able to partake in your joy, being able to partake in your love, being able to partake in your softness.

Being able to have times in spaces where your trauma, your oppression, your mental health and things aren’t centered; when there is an innocence that is rediscovered.

When we can begin to recover these parts of ourselves that indicate a life that is thriving.”

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OFM art

Naughty Femme by Nature

Barbara Danczik

by Veronica L. Holyfield

T

aking on a life of its own, social media has completely changed life as we know it. Platforms like Instagram have been used for both positive change and foul play.

From influencers to celebrities, from oddities to fascinations, and from opaque to grotesque, everyone and anyone can have a voice in the eternal black hole that is the noisy internet. For Denver-based, queer artist Barbara Danczik (@barrrab666), screaming into the ether of social media has evolved from a place of journaling the tribulations of her life into a lucrative den of sultry and seductive imagination.

Photos provided by Barbara Danczik

Studying art in college, Danczik got her degree in fashion design, though her art employs a vast variety of mediums that include digital illustration, watercolor, and even tapestry weaving. Starting these activities as a young girl, she recalls being absorbed in the sketches, sitting patiently and drawing quietly, all the while dreaming one day she would be an artist.

“I think I had a really vivid imagination, and my parents had me super young, so I didn’t really have a lot of kids to play with, so I think they placated me with art,” she explains. With an astute awareness, she is the first to admit that she is eager for the limelight, one who craves to be seen. Yet, what may have started as a way to keep the attention-hungry youngster occupied began to flourish into an aptitude for craft.

Danczik moved a lot as a kid, constantly being introduced to new schools and ambiguous, social cliques.

One thing remained consistent, though, and that was art being an ice-breaking pipeline between her as the new kid and the frivolous, closed-off preteens.

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OFM art

“I moved right in the beginning of middle school, and being a new kid in sixth grade is kind of hard, but a way I made friends was, I would draw the girls. Like, ‘Oh, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ They’re like, ‘I want to be a doctor,’ so I would draw them as, like, a cute, grown-up version of them as a doctor. It was a fun way to make friends, and every now and then, they would trade me for, like, gel pens or something stupid,” she laughs as she recalls.

She felt that her drawings were something that immediately made her stand out, and she enjoyed being acknowledged and praised for doing something she enjoyed.

“I usually draw female forms, even when I was a kid.

Which, when I ended up being gay, [it] kind of all made sense,” she explains. “When I was little, just a bunch of princesses, and I found out that I’m really terrible at drawing princes. It’s just like, the male body and the proportions never looked right to me, and with women, it was just always a lot easier.”

For Danczik, it took until she was 20 and fell in love with a woman for her to realize her queerness because she didn’t see queer women who reflected her image back to her.

“I lived in a lot of small towns growing up, so it wasn’t really something that was talked about, and when people did talk about lesbians, or queer women, they never looked like me,” Danczik explains. “So, it’s that whole femme invisibility thing; no one ever said that lesbians could have long hair, and have long nails, and dress a certain way. It was always portrayed like the very stereotypical, butch, masculine kind of vibe.”

Although she leans hard into the femme vibe now, there was a time when Danczik felt that she didn’t match the readable, queer aesthetic, and she admits to chopping off all her hair and shaving half of her head when she first came out as a way of expressing queerness.

“I went all-in, and I fucking looked ridiculous, and I hated it. Also, no girls hit on me, so that was a complete and utter failure,” she remembers. “When I was 20, I was living in Seattle; we had a really vibrant, queer scene, but it was a very much ‘masc-center-of-folk-forward’ kind of thing, so there wasn’t a lot of femmes. The general vibe was me always having to prove to everyone that I’m gay, including in the queer community.”

Getting dirty looks upon entering queer bars, she often would be overlooked or downright ignored by the bartenders.

“I’d constantly be questioned about my sexuality, especially in places that I thought were supposed to be welcoming and safe for me. Women would be really misogynistic towards me, presumptuous, and hella disrespectful when they did find out that I was queer,” she describes. “If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I’m actually gay, or if I just haven’t been fucked right, I wouldn’t have to work ever again.”

When the topic of “passing privilege” comes up, as in femmes’ ability to navigate hetero-normativity relatively easily and ability to pick or choose when to be “out,” the dissatisfaction about that notion is palpable in Danczik.

“I feel angry that any women, regardless of being feminine or more masculine-presenting, has to defend anything about her life. Yes, I feel sad that women who are more masculine don’t have the privilege of ‘passing,’ but at the same time, the trade-off is, they don’t have to ever try extra hard to be heard in queer spaces. So, I think it’s unfortunate for all of us,” she quips.

Feeling like she has to defend her sexuality in both straight and queer spaces, she has decided to flip the script and embrace a defiant resolve, regardless of the environment.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I’m actually gay, or if I just haven’t been fucked right, I wouldn’t have to work ever again.

“

“It builds you up in a certain way to where you’re very unapologetic. I used to always have short nails because, you know, lesbians aren’t supposed to have long nails. Now, it’s like, ‘Cool, you can still choke on my dick with my long nails.’

I don’t see why that’s an issue for anybody right now. Like, excuse you,” she challenges. “So, I think it really builds up a fierceness, and it does push you to stand behind who you are.”

Thanks to platforms like Instagram, more people have the opportunity to present the kind of narrative they wish they had seen growing up. Varying forms of queer identities, different aesthetics that are all just as valid as the other, and even some titilating content that opens up the door for curiousity and exploration.

OFM art

“

She talks of how art traditionally was men drawing or painting slender women, and then receiving the praise for it, where women didn’t have autonomy and control over their own bodies to feel good, let alone have a place in the art world.

While perusing Danczik’s feed, you’ll primarily see her sexy selfies, showing her in lingerie, and often leaning into kink and fetish territory. The space of escape in beauty has allowed Danczik to find her niche among a lingerie community that continues to offer her further inspiration, and hopefully a few more followers on her OnlyFans page.

“You just want to see yourself represented in art sometimes; I think it’s really important to show what we didn’t have growing up.I like seeing different body types, different sizes, different races represented, as well as trans women’s bodies,” she emphasizes. “No trans women have sent me any photos to be drawn, so shout out! Please, I would love that.”

Danczik’s story is like so many in the LGBTQ community: creating a space for others that was not offered to us when we were coming up and coming out. Creating inclusive art that feels representative and authentic to the femme, woman experience, all while embracing the confidence, sexiness, and slight naughtiness inside us all, is how she serves her community and challenges the world to be better.

Art is a way for Danczik to escape the questioning, the criticism, and the negativity. Stemming from a place of wanting to feel good and make others feel good, a lot of her work features people she knows, or even candid snapshots of herself, allowing beauty, slight surrealism, and sex appeal to be her muse.

“I use my selfies for a lot of my art; a lot of times, they don’t even end up looking like me, but I think it portrays what makes me feel good. Whether it’s sexy, or hot, or just powerful, I like to draw women who seem very confident,” she explains.

Danczik continues, “I draw girls taking a selfie of themselves because they feel confident and good. I really like that feeling, you know, like when you take 80 fucking selfies, and one of them is good, and you’re like ‘Sweet! Yes, I feel good about myself; this is the one; this is the one I’m going to send to my lover.’ So, capturing that feeling.”

Also featuring women of different body sizes and races is essential to Danczik. While she may use her own characteristics and frame as a starting point, the art she creates is more diverse and broad than just who she sees in the mirror.

“Incorporating diversity into my art is important because every piece I create is ultimately about the subject feeling sexy and confident in their skin,” she explains. “I find all body types and skin tones beautiful and think women deserve to see themselves portrayed in art that doesn’t only cater to the male gaze, but showcases their own beauty, strength, and confidence, on their terms.” outfrontmagazine.com 23

Photos by Sean Black

Melissa Rivers

OFM culture

Forging a New Legacy

by Denny Patterson

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OFM culture

B

eing the daughter of the late, comedic icon Joan Rivers, one would think Melissa has a lot to live up to. In reality, she carved her own path and found success in her own way.

Not only is Rivers a philanthropist, advocate, and New York Times bestselling author, she is an award-winning producer best known as the co-creator of E’s wildly successful Fashion Police, where she shared with viewers her candor, quick wit, and meticulous eye for fashion while covering major, redcarpet events. She also starred opposite her mother during four seasons of WeTV’s hit reality series, Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?

While Rivers has plenty of professional achievements to brag about, she says her role as a single parent to her son Cooper is her greatest achievement.

OFM had an opportunity to chat with Rivers where she let us know how quarantine has been going, current and upcoming projects we should be on the lookout for, and reflects on her mother’s life, and what she is doing to ensure her legacy stays alive.

How have you and Cooper been managing these days of COVID? He had to come home from school, and that was rough.

It took us a minute to find our footing. It was just the two of us and the dogs, and we had to come up with a divideand-conquer situation, and we did. We actually got along great. We were very fortunate. Also, which I thought was interesting, we learned how to fight better. We both had to learn and remember not to sulk and hold onto anything.

Just let stuff go. So, we did a divide-and-conquer, just like many others. At one point, we were both getting dressed in the laundry room because nothing ended up going upstairs [laughs]. Whoever was going by the washer and dryer had to flip loads. Cooper also took care of the garbage, and I took care of the dishwasher. You have talked a lot about mental health in recent months.

What tips can you offer to those who are going a little stir crazy at home?

I can’t help you with stir crazy because I am going stir crazy!

Number one, you have to stay connected with people. That is a must. This pandemic has really shoved mental health to the forefront and has taken the stigma away, at least 90 percent from where we were. Everybody is talking, reaching out, and admitting to how they feel. I think a lot of the facades with people have dropped, which I think is great. Reach out, talk to someone, realize you are not alone. Do not be scared to ask for help.

Unfortunately, with the younger generation, and I am including up to 23-25, suicides have gone up. Again, reach out. With my son, it was really hard. He came home halfway through his freshman year. He is a college athlete, and he lost his whole season. They got maybe three games in. Then being isolated and away from your friends, I think everybody is looking at their lives right now and going, ‘This is not how it is supposed to be.’ Reach out and be aware. People who do suffer from depression need to monitor themselves very closely.

Although you and your mother were very close, could you handle being locked in quarantine with her?

[Laughs] That’s a funny one. Surely, you jest. She would have gone bananas! She could not stay anywhere, any place, for very

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OFM culture

long. Even when she was at home in New York or with us, she had plans all the time. When we would go on vacation, the first three to four days, she would be like, ‘This is great.

I don’t have to do anything.’ By day four, she’s like, ‘OK, what are we going to do?’’

and at the time, it made me crazy, moving stuff around my house, but now that I am in the middle of a move, I miss having her to talk to. I miss the person saying to me that it is going to be OK. I miss the person who would pick me up.

I miss that person.

It has been six years since we lost Joan, and I am sure it is still very difficult for you. What do you miss the most about her?

Why do you think she was such an LGBTQ icon?

Having someone to really talk to. Part of family—I think people forget this until it is too late—there is a fabric to your life. There are people that only understand other references, and I miss that. I miss that terribly. I miss the stories and her sense of style. I miss her walking around,

I get asked this all the time, and I always wish I had a more interesting answer, but I think it really comes down to identifying as an outsider. Being someone that other people do not necessarily understand. And obviously, especially relating on a level of humor. We can get more shallow and talk about fashion and this and that, but the real, bottom line is, she said what nobody would dare say at the times that she said it. I remember when my mom and I were at the top of our redcarpet stuff, and I think however many years we did it, we were only invited to the Vanity Fair party twice. My mom was in the magazine one year for award season, and we did not get invited.

So, the idea of an outsider has been my mom’s thing her whole life, and I inherited that. Lucky me. I think with the LGBTQ community specifically, it was the feeling of being different, and that made her relatable.

“I think with the LGBTQ community specifically, it was the feeling of being different, and that made her relatable.”

2 6 OFM M A R C H 2 0 2 1

What are you going to do to ensure that her legacy stays alive?

Oh, dear God. There are so many answers [laughs]. Her numberone legacy are me and Cooper, and much more Cooper than even me. How he approaches his life, and I hate saying, but what is expected from him. She lived in a world and created a world where manners, accountability, and doing good outside of yourself mattered. He has all of that.

Also, keeping the legacy alive, again, we are going to release tapes; we still have the collection on QVC; I post her joke cards; we have a couple projects based on some of her previous works that people want to remake. I think there is a lot, but most of it is protecting the voice. I get a lot of questions about what she would have to say right now. Always, my answer is, a whole lot.

Joan and Donald Trump were social friends, and she even won when she appeared on The Apprentice. What do you think she would have thought about his presidency?

I think it would be the same thing I got stuck with, which was the person that we have worked with and the person that we knew socially did not reconcile with the president. People do not understand that. He has a good sense of humor. Remember, he was a democrat for a long, long time. He is an incredibly loyal person, which went out the window. I think a lot of people really struggled who knew him before. It was the person that suddenly inhabited the White House versus the person you had known all these years.

There are some new Joan Rivers comedy albums being released this year. Can you tell us more about that?

Yes! We are doing compilations and putting together some of her best work, and we are very excited!

Can you tell us more about your podcast, Melissa Rivers’ Group Text?

Absolutely! When you do a podcast, they always want to make you stay in a lane. It has to be a mommy podcast, a health podcast, lifestyle, political. I have an amazing group of friends from college, and I was looking back at all our group texts, and it was hilarious. What I noticed more than anything is that we cover every topic. I went back and read some of them that were just funny. I was always taking screenshots and sending them to other friends because there was funny stuff. If I am going to do a podcast, it has to reflect my life, and no one’s life is in one lane. That is why I did not want to be pushed into only talking about mommy or only talking about fashion.

I wanted to create a podcast that covered everything that I am interested in and what I think my fans are interested in.

During all the social changes, I started a miniseries called ‘Can We Talk? Can We Listen?’ where I had on historians, activists, and different kinds of people. Then I did a whole miniseries on the state of comedy, then another one on reality shows. I am all over the place, but they are fun. We have our serious moments, but joke ‘em if they can’t take a fuck.

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com.

outfrontmagazine.com 27

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Photos by Claire J. Savage

OFM culture

OFM culture

Jasika Nicole

by Denny Patterson

J

aasika Nicole has made a name for herself in the entertainment industry as a talented and versatile actress. Known for her large roles in hit drama series such as Fringe, Scandal, and Underground, she was most recently seen as Dr. Carly Lever on ABC’s The Good Doctor. Her relationship with Freddie Highmore’s character, Dr. Shaun Murphy, made history as one of the first on television to explore romance between neurotypical and neurodivergent partners.

Audiences will see Nicole next in the highly anticipated reboot of Punky Brewster, playing a pivotal role next to Soleil Moon Frye and Freddie Prinze Jr. Outside of acting, Nicole is a proud member of the LGBTQ community who uses her platform to help advocate for those who do not have a voice. Being queer and biracial has affected her career, but that has not stopped her from being her authentic self.

OFM had a chance to catch up with Nicole to talk more about The Good Doctor and Punky Brewster, how she and her wife, Claire, have been handling quarantine, and how she is a fierce do-it-yourselfer who loves to create her own clothes.

How have you and Claire been surviving these days of COVID? It’s funny. Something that we recognized halfway through was that when you think about your regular life, Claire would go to work, and I was flying back and forth to Vancouver at the time, the actual amount of quality time we had together that was not sleeping was so much smaller compared to spending all our time together. I say that in a good way because we really do enjoy each other’s company, but we also know how to give each other space. There were a lot of ups and downs, a lot of unexpected and some expected stuff that we had to navigate, but we survived it. We are still surviving it and still together.

What did you enjoy the most about being Dr. Carly Lever on the show The Good Doctor?

I absolutely loved working with Freddie. I think he is a dream scene partner. When I first met him, which was in Season One because I was recurring for the first couple of seasons, he was pretty quiet and kept to himself. I appreciated that because I am an introvert, and I get energized from my alone time. I thought of him as being somebody like that, so I always gave him space and tried not to interrupt him. I wanted to be respectful.

Then I found out, he has a great sense of humor. He exudes this quiet confidence and professionalism. The world could be falling apart around him, and he would probably stay focused.

It is sometimes hard, particularly in episodic television, to learn a lot on the job because there are so many things happening, and the director just wants you to perform.

Freddie was able to create an atmosphere where there was a chance to play around and figure stuff out together. He made me feel like I was doing theatre again.

Your relationship with Freddie’s character, Dr. Shaun Murphy, made history as one of the first on television to explore romance between neurotypical and neurodivergent partners. How significant is that?

I think it is incredibly significant. It is significant to see neurodivergent people in any kind of relationship, whether it is with somebody who is not neurodivergent, somebody who is, or somebody who is neurodivergent in a different way. Representation at this point is severely lacking and people are hungry for it.

At one point in the show, they brought up the fact that Carly had an autistic sister, which was really cool. I was like, ‘This is great. Maybe we will see Shaun interact with somebody who is vibing with him in some way.’ I am not on the show anymore, so I unfortunately did not get to see that, but I am hoping this show is one of the starting points, that it will skyrocket from there, and we will get to see a lot more representation with that community.

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OFM culture

“

I am constantly learning about the way I look and the different aspects of who I am and how they end up intersecting with my career.

“

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very smart, lovely doctor, and people lost their minds. They hated this character so much. Like, how could you hate her? The writers took such great lengths to make sure that she is a warm, likable character, and it took me a while to realize they did not like her because she spoke up for herself. She was in command and in control. People like seeing, particularly Black women, in subservient positions rather than positions where they have opinions and say no to people.

I am constantly learning about the way I look and the different aspects of who I am, and how they end up intersecting with my career in both positive and negative ways. Obviously, I am excited to be part of the Punky Brewster cast as a queer woman, and that is actually the first queer role that I have ever had on network television.

This is a huge deal for me, but it is like I can never relax because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I understand that I am a privileged person to be able to work in this industry, and I know that any, single thing that I get cast in is a big deal because I am who I am. I will always be queer and Black.

People can see your D.I.Y. creations on your blog, Try Curious?

Yes, I blog on my website, and I usually talk about specific patterns that I made. I also make shoes, so I will talk about shoemaking. There are posts about upholstery because I upholstered a bunch of furniture in our home, and I built a lot of furniture out of wood. I like to be busy with my hands, and I do not want to spend money on something that is not well-made. I have been told to figure out how to do it myself, which has served me very well!

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com.

OFM culture

Is it true that you entered the show already having a basic knowledge and understanding of autism because your actual sister is autistic?

Yes, that is correct. Her name is Sedric, and she was born my senior year in high school. For better or worse, I learned a lot of annoying things about myself because my sister is nonverbal, so she is not able to communicate in a way that I communicate the best, so there is a lot of disconnect there.

My family and I are always trying to fill in the blanks for what it is that she wants or needs because she is not always able to articulate it. It is certainly understandable, but when that happens, you wind up inserting so much of yourself in those spaces that you are trying to fill up. So, I have learned a lot about trying to pay attention to what she might want as opposed to what I think is best for her.

You are playing a large and pivotal role in the new Punky Brewster reboot. What can you tell us about that?

I play Lauren, who is dating Cherie Johnson! I don’t remember exactly how many years later we are picking up with Punky Brewster, but it is a few decades later than where you left off. In that period, a lot had happened. Punky got married, started a family, adopted these really cool kids, and Cherie is still her best friend. Cherie has come out as either queer or lesbian, but she is dating me. You get to meet Lauren’s character about halfway through the season, and it is very lovely and sweet.

What I appreciate a lot about the show is that it’s easy to stick a queer character or queer love story into a TV show with adults. You don’t as often see queer people in relationships with kids in a family dynamic, which is incredibly important for us to see. I really appreciate how Cherie is Punky’s kids’ auntie; Cherie has this girlfriend who she is really into, and they start inviting Lauren into the fold. Kids are getting to experience Cherie, her girlfriend, and their relationship, and it is normalized for them. It is not weird or anything like that, which I think is supposed to be a testament to how well Punky has raised her kids to be super forward-thinkers and really compassionate, empathetic, thoughtful, and caring about all different kinds of people.

As a queer entertainer, you use your platform to advocate for those who do not have a voice. Why is this important to you?

I hope I am using my platform to amplify other people’s voices. Marginalized communities are usually shouting and yelling saying, “This is what we need. This is how we want to be treated.’ The powers that be like to squash, dismiss, and ignore those voices. Act like they are not that big. I am trying hard to not speak over those. I want to give them a platform to say, listen to us. This is what we are talking about.

Obviously, I can speak on things about queerness, sexuality, being a person of color, but when we talk about ableism and fatphobia, although I support those communities, I do not want to speak over them.

How has being queer and biracial affected your career?

I was out pretty much from the very beginning of my career, so I do not have anything to compare it to.

One huge thing that I noticed was, when I played Astrid Farnsworth on Fringe, she ended up kind of being a babysitter to this older, white character played by John Noble, who I love. He was not always lucid, so she kind of babysat him to make sure he was taken care of. People loved Astrid. She was a fan favorite at Comic Con; I never read anything bad about Astrid. Fast forward to me playing Dr. Carly Lever, who is a very smart, very capable Black woman dating this

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outfrontmagazine.com 31

Redefines Failure into Fierceness

by Veronica L. Holyfield

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Photos by Vanessa Heins

VIVEK SHRAYA

W

When it comes to the art of storytelling, Vivek Shraya is a profound and prolific creator.

Luxuriously saturated in skill and imagination, her truth is told through inspirational wonderments and profound pontification. She is power; she is strength; she is zealous; she is resourceful, and she is resilient. Potential turned to proof, she is a living example of how vulnerability begets growth.

Shraya has utilized story to overcome the burden of insecurities and that innate imposter syndrome, not allowing self-proclaimed failure to cease the journey of selfactualization. While this multidisciplinary artist originally hoped for a career centered around music, she has carved an opulent path of significant impact in which the mainstream is only now able and willing to receive.

We meet Shraya on the heels of releasing the 10-year Anniversary Edition of her first book, God Loves Hair. Like many, 2020 started off a hopeful year for the musician, writer, teacher, public speaker, activist, visual artist, and playwright, but quickly turned into one of discomfort, adjustment, and shifted focus.

“It’s definitely been challenging mental-health wise. A lot of my identity is tied to being an artist, and a lot of being an artist for me is tied to being able to be in public spaces with other people,” she explains. “I can’t really complain, and I feel fortunate to have the privileges that I have, but yeah, I would say 2020 was definitely one of the worst years of my life.”

really mean a lot to anyone else, and then there’s projects that maybe have a larger splash. I think that I’ve been really fortunate to see a range of different kinds of impact,” Shraya explains. “I think God Loves Hair for me is sort of split in the middle of my career, and it was a big turning point for me.”

Originally written and released when Shraya identified as male, the perspectives in God Loves Hair remain preserved in he/him pronouns with a forward that informs the reader of how her gender was revealed to her many years after the publishing of the book. So much has happened in Shraya’s career since that first book of short stories was published, but the narrative housed in this historic piece of Shraya’s archive still ring just as true.

Initially, Shraya dreamed of being a successful musician, and she spent the better part of 10 years solely focused on songwriting and performing. The goal was to obtain a record deal and become a pop star, full stop. However, life had other plans and never led to the sold-out gigs and gold-record status.

“Through that experience of heartbreak, what was interesting is that I still felt the desire to be creative. In that, what I learned was that I actually am interested in using my ‘voice’ in multiple ways, and one of those ways was writing that first collection of short stories,” she says. “I wasn’t like, ‘OK, I’m not a musician anymore. I’m a writer; I want to be a Having obligations such as promoting the re-release of God published writer,’ like, none of those things even crossed my Loves Hair has been a blessing for Shraya, and throughout mind. It was really coming from a place of an urgent desire to this conversation, we discuss not only the book but the be creative, but I could not write another song again.” variety of projects that really give shape to how she became the integrated artisan of story. From the intricacies of being With more things to say outside of melodies and choruses, a creative, trans woman of color navigating varying mediums she started exploring other mediums, such as film and to the grief of unrealized hopes and dreams, her personal photography, in addition to literature. Still, the connection to and professional narrative is one of virtuous triumph via music ran deep for Shraya, beginning as early as childhood, adaptability. and those ties were ones she could not shake.

“I’ve been making art for almost 20 years now, and there “Music was tied to my religious community; we used to sing are some projects that make a small, tiny dent, and then these devotional songs, and it was a way to connect with God, there’s other projects that mean a lot to me, but they don’t essentially. I grew up very religious, and there was something

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about that space, especially as a queer kid in a small city, that felt very safe. What was deemed feminine outside of that space, like singing, was actually valued and treasured,” she reveals.

Describing that music was also a way of gaining protection and favor from the popular girls in high school, there was a deeply embedded, internalized homophobia that lived strongly inside her.

“Because of the homophobia that I experienced on a daily basis as a teenager, I wasn’t one of those kids that really liked being gay,” she says. ”I had friends who, as soon as they were 18, 19, they were at the gay bar every weekend; they had the gay boyfriends, and just seemed to assimilate into gayhood. Like, they secretly got the gay manual, and they were gay, gay, gay, and I did not get the manual. I really, really struggled with being gay.”

It wasn’t until the short film she made in 2012, What I Love About Being Queer, that she went from a place of selfloathing to a place of self-loving. While she was formerly taught that being queer was abnormal and gross, that project really offered Shraya an opportunity to discover the gaps in LGBTQ characters and storytelling, adding nuance to anecdote.

Changing the paradigm from the fear of the queer existence to what makes queer people fiercely beautiful, Shraya remembers beaming from behind the camera and feeling like every answer was exciting, validating, and affirming.

“One of my biggest learnings as an adult and as an artist has been tying homophobia to misogyny. I don’t think I really made that connection that when I was getting called faggot, what I was getting called was girly. I think I’ve been slowly making that connection in my work, and there’s been such a huge desire to honor femininity. Whether it’s looking at reimagining Hindu goddesses from a feminist lens in my first novel, She of the Mountains, to recreating vintage photos of my mom with me as the subject in Trisha. Or, even my last novel that centers Brown women and Brown, female friendships. I think that like I just had such a commitment to femininity, and to specifically honoring and celebrating femininity.

“And part of that is about healing my own internalized misogyny and homophobia, and a part of that is a form of resistance against the ongoing misogyny in the world. I can make the world a less hateful place towards women, and for women, and feminine people.”

Feeling curious about the fact that people seemed to appreciate the way that she spoke about social issues like homophobia, racism, and misogyny, she wanted to see if she was able to tell story in song that was infused with political themes. Yet, Shraya was once again faced with a harsh reality.

“After taking, like, a six-year ‘break’ from music, coming back to solo music and making an album, Part Time Woman, it was the first time that I approached songwriting from a storytelling and political perspective. Most of my songs had been about love and heartbreak, which, I guess, can be its own kind of politic, especially from a queer person,” she explains. “But, when I approached Part Time Woman after I had written several books, I’d really seen the power of story.”

Shraya says that she still wasn’t able to obtain the success in music she had hoped for, and the reality is that the music industry is a lot more prejudiced than the literary world.

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She talks about how the literary world gave her space to talk about things that she couldn’t talk about in music. Shraya even describes how a time she felt the most loved and accepted in a professional setting was when she participated in a writers workshop and was asked questions that solely pertained to storytelling, form, craft, character analysis, and why she gave a book a certain title.

She wishes to be asked more questions about form, subtlety, or even basic issues like public transit (she uses the Netflix series featuring Fran Lebowitz, Pretend It’s a City, as an example). However, it’s been nearly impossible to sidestep and avoid being pigeonholed into topics that focus on queerness, race, and institutional oppression.

“I wrote a book called I’m Afraid of Men a couple years ago, and that felt really hard. Writing the book, I had to revisit a lot of teenage and adolescent trauma around violence by men. I think, especially with a memoir, there’s this sense that there’s something cathartic about it, especially if it’s painful, and sometimes by me saying it’s cathartic, it actually alleviates the reader from any kind of responsibility in engaging in a challenging story. It’s really important for me to actually be like, ‘No, this is a really difficult piece, and it was difficult to talk about.’”

Shraya finds that because much of her literature and visual art is based on those traumatic experiences and her marginalized identities, this then turns into a cog in the wheel that feeds the machine of perpetualizing the suffering, queer narrative. As a protest piece, she developed the project called Trauma Clown, which is a photo essay that highlights the commodification of traumatization.

“That series was really born out of being able to suddenly reflect on my career and see an increased interest in my work and support for my work based on how much trauma I disclosed. Going back to I’m Afraid of Men, that, for me, was ostensibly, on paper, one of my most successful projects, and I would say it’s also a project where I revealed the most trauma,” she says.

“I think that there’s this idea of trauma porn where you can engage in something, and especially if you’re part of the dominant group, you can then just walk away from it. It felt important to push against the kinds of pressures that I have felt in my career to continue doing this. I care about social issues; I have told stories about my trauma, but what I don’t like is when there’s institutional pressure to do that.”

For Shraya, all of these creative pursuits, the pretty and the painful ones, have revealed a symbiotic relationship in that they are all pieces of the same puzzle. They are all forms in which she can expose vulnerability, reflect on her identities, and become a stronger and richer storyteller. Rather than being divergent and singular stories, they enhance each other in interesting ways and always lead her back to music.

Shraya has also ventured into the realm of theatre, debuting the raw and honest musical How to Fail as a Popstar, in which she chronicles that journey of “not quite making it” in the music industry. A reflection on the dreams, disappointments, and inevitable triumph of finding her authentic voice, the theatrical piece debuted in February of 2020 to critical acclaim.

“Sometimes we fail, and sometimes that actually really hurts, and it’s really important that we honor that failure.

But simultaneously, my relationship with music continues, and that’s also beautiful for what it is. So, I think both things are true. Music’s like the one that got away,” Shraya confesses.

“

“

One of my biggest learnings as an adult and as an artist has been tying homophobia to misogyny.

I don’t think I really made that connection that when I was getting called faggot, what I was getting called was girly.

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When asked what makes her feel fierce, she says that it’s her persistence and perseverance that she is ultimately the most proud of.

Continuing to find new, exciting ways to overlap mediums, she innovates means to channel creativity in a variety of forms that rotate around a singular project, such as the novel The Subtweet. Based on an examination of the music industry, the book comes with a soundtrack of all the songs in the book, and she made a short film called The Subtweet to accompany it.

All in all, Shraya has released an impressive catalog of creative projects that includes songs, albums, books, films, visual art compilations, and varying collaborations. A single look at the artist’s website gives but a glimpse into the productive machine that is Vivek Shraya. While she has become a resourceful executor of art, there is always a roadblock to maneuver when seeking success in each industry.

“I think one of the hardest things about being a multidisciplinary artist is, I inevitably encounter racist, homophobic, misogynist barriers in every industry. So, it’s almost like doing it all over again every time,” she explains.

“It’s like, ‘Oh right, racism is here? Yes, of course, racism was there.’ It’s ongoing, but I think that I’ve been around for so long, part of it has been trying to see ways in which I can work within systems to maybe not break down my own barrier, unfortunately, but try to break down barriers for emerging artists.”

Approaching Arsenal Pulp Press (one of her publishers in Canada) in 2016, she said she wanted to launch VS. Books, an imprint of Arsenal, as a way to work with young, BIPOC writers in a mentorship role. She has since published two books by Black authors, one who is queer and trans, and has worked closely with them as they navigate the world of publishing for the first time in order to lessen the burden on new, up and coming, writers.

“I don’t feel like I had any formal mentoring, and that’s, I think, one of the reasons why I feel really passionate about mentorship. Especially the more marginalized you are, the harder it is to access elders or mentors,” she explains. “When you’re marginalized, you’re ushered into elderdom at a very young age; I always say I felt like I was emerging forever. I was 20 and emerging, and then 25 and emerging, and then 30, I was described as emerging, and then suddenly, I was 35, and it’s like, ‘You’re an elder now.’

“So, it’s a very strange thing, I think, when you’re queer, or when you’re a person of color. There is a social responsibility to support your own, and I think it’s an important responsibility; it’s one I take very seriously.”

With her eyes set on what she can do for her community while staying true to her art and continuing to heal from those lifelong wounds, she says that it’s her persistence and perseverance that she is ultimately the most proud of and what makes her fierce.

“I really didn’t think I would make it past 16,” she confesses. “I thought about suicide all the time, and in two weeks, I’m turning 40. It really feels like an accomplishment; it feels like I fought to get here. That’s the beauty and challenge of being queer; I think you earn every year.”

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OFM culture

LGBTQ Cinema

Femme Films to Binge

by David-Elijah Nahmod

T

wo new films were recently released on streaming platforms, and they couldn’t be more different from each other. One is a stark, deadly serious drama about a lesbian couple facing a crisis, while the other is a rollicking comedy. Both are available via video-on-demand wherever you rent movies.

Two of Us introduces us to a lovely, older, lesbian couple living in France.

Madeleine (Martine Chevallier) and Nina (Barbara Sukowa) have been together for many years, something that Madeleine’s grown children know nothing about. The two women live across the hall from each other in an apartment building, and both apartments serve as their love nests.

To Madeleine’s children, Nina is simply the lady across the hall.

They love each other dearly. Both women are retired, and they’re planning on selling their apartments so they can move to Rome together, the city where they first met. But then, Madeleine suffers a debilitating stroke which leaves her temporarily paralyzed and unable to speak.

Two of Us illustrates what so many LGBTQ couples, in particular older couples, so often have to go through.

As soon as she is taken ill, Madeleine’s children hire a live in nurse, and Nina

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Martine Chevallier (left) as ‘Madeleine’ and Barbara Sukowa as ‘Nina’ in Two of Us. Photo courtesy of Magnolia Pictures.

is effectively cut out of the picture.

But, the two women’s love for each other, their desire to be together, has not diminished, and a desperate Nina pushes hard in her efforts to “help out” so she can be near her beloved.

At one point she even breaks into Madeleine’s apartment and sneaks into bed with her. The nurse, and Madeleine’s daughter, who have no idea that the women are a couple, are none-too-happy with Nina’s behavior.

A moving drama.

Both Sukowa and Chevallier are superb in their roles. Sukowa is particularly good, playing Nina’s desperation with an intensity that is heartbreaking. But it’s Chevallier who has the more difficult role. Once Madeleine has had the stroke, the actress is left with little more than her eyes with which to convey her character’s emotions. She rises to the challenge beautifully. It’s been said that the eyes are the window to the soul, and Chevallier lets the audience peek deeply into Madeleine’s soul. It’s a gut-wrenching and unforgettable performance.

stories of young love; it’s very rare that we get to see older characters so deeply in love with each other. It’s a refreshing change of pace.

Two of Us is a stark, quiet, and profoundly moving drama with a lot to say. The two leads display a good chemistry with each other which makes their love story absolutely believable. And, it’s nice to see two, older women in love. Most films tell

Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar is a decidedly different type of film than Two of Us. A goofy, screwball comedy, Barb and Star feels like a very long Saturday Night Live skit, and no wonder. The film was co-written by and co-stars SNL alumna Kristen

OFM culture

Wiig, who co-produced and co-wrote the film with Will Ferrell, another SNL alumnus.

The SNL connections works in the film’s favor. The plot may be ridiculously implausible, yet everything moves at a fast pace, and the film is lighthearted, frothy fun.

Barb (Annie Mumolo) and Star (Wiig) is the story of two somewhat dizzy women who go on vacation to Vista Del Mar, an upscale resort town in Florida. There they become involved with the handsome Edgar (Jamie Dornan), who, unbeknown to them, is working for a madwoman who’s planning on killing everyone in town. Her method of killing is of course absurd: she plans to unleash a huge swarm of killer mosquitos on the town. But then Jamie gets involved with our bubbly heroines and begins to rethink his involvement in the diabolical scheme.

Kristen Wiig (left) as ‘Star’ and Annie Mumolo as ‘Barb’ in Barb and Star Go To Vista. Photo by Cate Cameron.

That, in a nutshell, is the film’s plot. It’s not very deep, but it’s an entertaining film. Everything moves at a quick pace and the cast plays the story for broad comedy. Wiig and Mumolo work very well together--like her co-star, Mumolo is no stranger to comedy.

She was nominated for an Oscar for co-writing the screenplay to the hit 2011 laugh getter Bridesmaids.

Dornan is a hunk who’s very pleasing to look at. Best known for his starring role in the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, the actor proves himself to be quite adept at slapstick. The film does run on a little too long, so the comedy starts to wear a bit thin towards the end, but for the most part, Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar offers viewers a riotous good time. It’s been a rough year, and we need to laugh these days, too.

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OFM drag

REDEFINING y o B n w o l Awkward C MASC AND FEMME

by Denny Patterson

S

ebastian Liza Bowles is a premier drag prince in the Denver drag scene who is defying the odds and living an authentic life. Combining his trans identity with performance, Bowles is known as the Awkward Clown Boy and Denver’s worst Barbra Streisand impersonator. He may look kooky and spooky, but he is a child at heart who knows how to give audiences a good time.

Awkward Clown Boy is a lot of things. His style is very vintage and classic, yet young and surreal. Sometimes, he is hyperfemme, and sometimes, he is more masculine. “Oldtimey ghost boy” is usually how I sum that up. Sometimes, he is portrayed as different ages, but most of the time, he is a child. He plays and pretends to be other people, while other times he is nothing but a boy.

OFM caught up with Bowles to talk more about his drag style and being a trans-masc performer.

How long have you been doing drag, and when did you discover your passion for it?

Can you begin by telling us more about your drag style and the Awkward Clown Boy aesthetic?

I started doing drag over 10 years ago, right out of high school. However, I was doing more traditional drag as a drag

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What can one expect from a Sebastian Liza Bowles performance?

Definitely a spot-on lip sync and high concepts and production levels. Sometimes, it will be a serious moment where I want to really grab your attention and hold it, but other times, it is silly, witty chaos. It may be both at the same time. My drag was born out of a love of music and storytelling and a need to emote and communicate to others the things that go on in my brain. I will give you a character and a story, and maybe even a joke, but my goal is to make you feel, think, laugh, and cry.

When did you come to terms with your trans identity?

It has been a process over the last 10 years, but I would say about four to five years ago was when I really knew that I was a trans-masc person. Now, over the past two years, I have lived fully out as a trans-masc person in every aspect of my life.

For you, how has drag empowered your trans identity?

Awkward Clown Boy gave me the opportunity to reclaim my own boyhood. It gave me a space to explore my interests, to be myself, and to communicate things that are hard for me to say verbally without the pressure of societal expectations. I get to wear, do, and express what I want. ACB lets me have another chance at a childhood where I feel seen, understood, and supported. ACB gives me a second boyhood where I can thrive, which, in return, helps me thrive as myself. I am a bit of a femboy outside of doing drag as well, and the combination of feminine and masculine things I enjoy and have allowed myself to enjoy has been a formative part of who I am.

What do you have to say to trans men/nonbinary people who fear drag could demasculinize them?

Things only carry the meaning that we give to them, and oh boy. Society has pushed its expectations upon us with force our whole lives. We have so much to unlearn in order to truly be ourselves. My advice is, if it makes you happy, if it brings you joy, if it sparks something inside you, then it is for you—sometimes, that is a traditionally masculine activity; sometimes, it is a wig and a pair of heels and twirling in a good twirling dress.

We do not really question anymore when little boys like to try on their mother’s dresses and lipstick. So, why are we with trans boys still? If you put on a good twirling dress, and do a spin, and you feel joy, then there is nothing wrong with that. You must look inside yourself and realize what it is

that makes you a man. It certainly is not clothing, makeup, colors, hair, or the pitch of your voice. It is about living authentically and genuinely as yourself.

OFM drag

king. I loved drag, especially more femme drag, but I did not know I was trans at that time. I did not know that I could do “that” kind of drag because of the gender I was assigned. I found myself not happy with what I was creating and took a couple years off to start over with my process and created Awkward Clown Boy.

You are known as Denver’s worst Barbara Streisand impersonator. Can you elaborate more on that?

That is a bit of a joke I have coined, and it stuck. Barbra Streisand’s work is a special interest of mine, and her music and work makes me feel, emote, and express myself more than any artist ever has. I love a technical lip sync and big, dramatic moments. Barbra has been one that I have become quite skilled at miming. I have been known to bring three Barbra numbers to a gig, but they will all be different, and they are never a realistic Barbra impersonation. Yet, my goal is to get you to feel the way that she makes me feel through emotion and storytelling.

Can you talk about being neurodivergent and how autism and other disabilities play a role in your drag?

Being a queer, trans, autistic person with chronic pain is a hard time. I have never produced a show before but would love to in a post-COVID world. Any money I have ever made from drag has gone to the expenses of existing and living.

Ninety-nine percent of my drag is thrifting or repurposed.

I am very open about being on the spectrum and how that affects my art and life as a performer, and I think that representation is important.

What do you ultimately hope to accomplish with your platform?

I want to say, not only to trans-masc people, but also people on the autism spectrum and all neurodivergent people, that you can do this too, if you want to. You are clever, smart, and braver than you think you are. You may have to learn different ways of doing things that other people do not have to do, but if you want to make art, perform, or express yourself, drag is for you. You might fall; you might be disoriented; it might be scary at first, but you are going to find a community that is going to uplift and believe in you and your art. I hope that through my art, I can help people find themselves as they truly are without the expectations of a society not built for us, and if that self is just an awkward clown boy, that is OK. You will find your people and you will be loved.

Before we wrap up, are there any other upcoming projects or anything else you would like to mention or plug?

I am someone who always has 100 ideas in my head, but my art moves as my life moves. Lately, life has sprung big changes on me, and I hope to have some new concepts in fashion, photography, and digital performances on their way soon, which can be found on all my social media platforms.

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com.

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OFM music

COMPOSING HER OWN DESTINY Claire Heywood

by Veronica L. Holyfield

“T

his year was the year that I decided it was important for me to come out, and be honest and clear about the fact that I’m a queer woman,” Claire Heywood opens up in a conversation at the beginning of the new year. The singer-songwriter is preparing to release some new music, and for the record, she wants to be authentic in how she presents herself in both her personal life and in her professional realm.

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Photos by Adrienne Thomas

“I’m a queer woman, and I’m also femme, and I’ve found that I have had the privilege of passing as hetero in a lot of different situations,” she explains. “I think, when you’re discussing queerness and bisexuality, it can be really nice to talk to folks who have an understanding of all of that, rather than kind of having to explain, like, what bisexuality is.”

We now know a bit of Heywood’s identities: a singer, a songwriter, and a bisexual woman. Let’s take a step back, though, and discover the essence, the essay, the expression that makes her the unique, strong, and brave storyteller she has become.

Heywood is a wordsmith and a natural-born entertainer, a clever curator of story with a divine passion for performative prose. Growing up, she sought the limelight and was drawn to theater, dance, and orchestra, and even stand-up comedy. Desiring a way of being seen and understood through a variety of outlets, Heywood became intrigued by music at an early age.

“I remember as a little kid getting a Discman for the first time, and the first experience of really listening to music critically, feeling the emotional journey that it can take you on,” she explains. “I, for some reason, just didn’t put together that I wanted to do that. I was just in awe of it and was a rather obsessive listener all throughout my childhood.”

“I started writing songs about five years ago and really fell in love. When I really wanted to write songs, I was like, ‘I need to learn how to play this guitar better,’” she laughs.

“So, really it was the songwriting process that welcomed that and led me into music.”

OFM music

Heywood could have gone to any Denver-based media company to have this conversation, but she was intentional when she reached out to OFM. As a bisexual woman, she understands the need for nuance, the craving for deliberate-yet-thoughtful questions, considerate and open-minded curiosity, and the understading that being queer isn’t all that she is. Yet, it is a lot of who she is, and she is inclined to share how she is navigating her own identity within the LGBTQ community.

It didn’t take long for her to begin performing publicly in Denver; starting in the literary scene at places like Mutiny Information Cafe and Mercury Cafe playing in showcases alongside poets and comedians. After accumulating about an hour-long setlist, Heywood recorded her first EP in 2019 titled The Wind, It Howls, and she was welcomed into the fold of the local music scene.

“I didn’t have a bunch of money for like in-person guitar lessons or anything, and so I just learned everything on YouTube,” she reveals. While the guitar has become her main songwriting companion, and the words continue to flow and fill pages of powerful poetry, she confesses that it took some time to get comfortable performing in front of people.

“I was not totally comfortable with the guitar yet, so it was extremely nerve-wracking, but I just felt like I had to do it,” Heywood explains. Though fear did exist for Heywood, it was never a deterrent.

She says that when she was playing her original songs in front of audiences, she felt absolutely and 100 percent herself. Perfection could not be the main objective; the driving force had to solely be focused on the love of the art and the need to put it out into the world.

It’s easy to see why Heywood was accepted with open arms and quickly became a voice that many folks were drawn to. There is a timeless warmth that echoes the

After picking up a guitar at age 15, Heywood admits that she only plucked away for a little while, but didn’t take it too seriously until she was about 21. Still not convinced that music was going to be her preferred creative output, she pursued a degree in English and started writing poetry and essays. However, throughout her time in writing workshops, Heywood received frequent feedback that her writing style took on a certain lyrical elegance as she began to craft her first set of poems that took a malleable shape that was reminiscent of song.

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OFM music

classic tunes of yesteryear, a sauntering serenity that is encased in the folk-inspired, soul-infused beauty. If her sonic resonance had an aesthetic, it would be a homey mix of 70s-art-deco and modern-country sentiment. As graceful, poised, and confident Heywood is in conversation, her music offers a further vibration of eloquence that easily transports us to another plane.

“I knew for myself that I was queer a long time ago. I identify as a queer, bisexual woman, and I’m femme; my first relationships were heteronormative and were with men, and they were very much validated by society. Not surprising,” she laughs. “And they were real; I loved people of different genders, and so it was easy to let my family hold an assumption. It felt like it was easier to be invisible or something, which can be true, but also, there’s, like, a major I dare you not to be entranced by her effortless verses as you cost to not being clear.” stream the tracks that make up her Spotify profile. One would never question Heywood’s confidence, the way she uses her magnetic, velvet-like voice with allure, yet she says it did Heywood continues, “Queerness doesn’t look any particular take some time for her to come to accept her desire to be way, and for me, that clarity and clearness has been incredibly the frontwoman. Following her instincts and dismissing self- rewarding. It has made my relationships stronger, and I’ve judgment and doubt is what worked without fail for her after also made my vision of myself stronger.” she realized she had landed where she had always wanted to be.

When it comes to songwriting, Heywood has discovered a new openness in how she expresses herself, her emotions, “My dreams are valid, even when it feels from the outside like and her relationships in song since coming out. they’re not, and I love my dreams. I’m not going to give up on them; it’s taken me a long time to even admit what they are,” “My first EP I wrote as I was processing the end of two she tells. relationships I had that were with men, and so the pronouns Feeling pride and ownership in the work that she puts out, on that he/him, and for a while, I thought, ‘People will Heywood is the epitome of an independent artist. Releasing think I’m straight because I said ‘he’ in a song.’ So, yes, my tracks when the moment feels right, allowing the music first EP exists; it was real; I really did experience heartbreak to inform her of the next steps that need to be taken, it all with men. And now, I’m in a partnership with a lesbian coincides with her need to be out about her sexuality and be woman, and we live together; we have been experiencing the a visible, fierce femme. The time has come, and the timing is pandemic together, and I write about her with the pronouns she/her,” Heywood explains. right.

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As she welcomes in a new paradigm of expressing her thoughts, feelings, lovers, and emotions, 2020 was also a year of adjusting her musical direction. Parallel to the rest of humanity’s shift over the last year, her plans, too, changed from releasing a sophomore, follow-up EP was downsized into three songs with accompanying music videos.

“Songwriting comes in phases,” she explains, “and the three songs that I released this year were all about finding, creating, and defining a creative space for myself.”

From the energetic single “Python” that elicits movement and even howling from the crowd during live sets, to the song “Letter Day” where Heywood flexes her Americana, indie-folk muscles, and finishing with the newest release, “I won’t resign my love for that old dream,” where we are lulled to rest with the lush vibratto of Heywood’s distinct and differential aesthetic.

While life may have had other plans, Heywood remains faithful to the pursuit of soulful and courageous creativity, and she trusts herself above all else. Nestling into life with her partner has proven lucrative in more ways than one, as she appreciates the awe-inspiring moments amid grief, curiosities, and wonderment. To be clear, this fiercely queer femme is blooming in the landscape of traverse imagination and has found a safe place for her art and passion to flourish.

o u t f r o n tm a g a z i n e. co m 45

OFM music

OFM NEW MUSIC This month’s must-catch new releases from the artists you already love or the musicians you need to know.

Valeree

Rob Zombie

Alex Somers

The brilliant creative has taken his time, with five years passing since the release of his last album, and the wait was worth it. Delivering a heavy dose of hardcore rock and high-energy ragers, cocoon yourself in the darkness and lose yourself in a world constructed by the iconic Zombie. Pay special attention to banger “The Eternal Struggles of the Howling Man” and the intricately executed “What You Gonna Do with That Gun Mama.”

Releases March 12, 2021.

The multi-disciplinary artist has ventured into a poetic doubleheader that features lush, hypnotic sonnets that resonate symphonic.

With an obsession for found objects, Somers writes as though these are beautiful offerings to the weathered machines and imperfect elements.

Striving to embody the detailed delivery of a life through melody, the albums have come to fruition after nearly seven years of construction, finally allowing the tracks to emerge from hiding.

Releases March 19, 2021.

dodie:

Evanescence

Xiu Xiu

A tale of the introvert, dodie takes some time exploring the problematic push of expectation and assumption. Musically ambitious and wondrously complex, the new record is a peek into the diary of the artist who describes the new music as an unstable exploration of figuring out who she is in music. Dreamily intimate and superbly flighty, dodie lifts with her angelic and delightful soprano while reaching deep into the depths of her insecurities with Build a Problem.

Releases March 26, 2021.

Amy Lee reemerges after a decade with her symphonic-goth-rock outfit Evanescence, and we are here for it. The quintessential tracks have matured into ones of social protest and self-respect, while still tapping into the ethereal echoes paired with biting, cynical lyricism that we know and love. Dramatic, vibrant, piercing, theatrical, ghostly, and orchestral rock: all the the things we want from the massive and operatic powerhouse that is Evanescence.

Release March 26, 2021.

Personal tragedy births life into the latest release from Xiu Xiu, one that speaks of abandonment, dissolution, and new-found faith. Vanishing into darkness, singer-songwriter Jamie Stewart has emerged with an awakening that bridges the gap of familiar intimacy and vulnerable experimentalism. From standout duets with Sharon Van Etten, George Lewis Jr. with Twin Shadow, and Chelsea Wolfe, the new tracks provide haunting textures, crunchy vocals, and pulsing beats.

Releases March 26, 2021.

The Lunar Injection Kool Aid Ecliplse Conspiracy

Build A Problem

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Siblings + Siblings 2

The Bitter Truth

It’s Fine, I’m Fine The retro-pop, independent artist Megan Mortensen, aka Valeree, is taking a plunge into the R&B soundscape with the upcoming EP It’s Fine, I’m Fine. Bringing forward a hopeful message, the once-downand-out artist brings an honest illustration of perseverance and passion. With a round, resonating vocal hook reminiscent of Sara Bareilles, the introspective, new music brings refreshing life to the singer-songwriter genre.

Releases March 19, 2021.

Oh No

OFM music

HIGH NOTE Adult Mom: Driver The new, 10-track release, and third, full, studio LP, Driver is everything you want out of a young person’s rom-com soundtrack, if the queer kids finally got to write the script. The indie-rock outfit Adult Mom, led by genderqueer singer-songwriter Stevie Knipe, delivers a new kind of narrative for the coming-of-age story.

Adult Mom is newly signed with label Epitaph Records, dumping their former representation, and their new music is a reflection of that newfound liberty via sonic exploration. Responding to the tingle of freedom, wanderlust, and rebellion, Driver arrives in time as an anthem to the primed and restless youth of 2021. Falling in and out of love is part of the human experience for many, wading through the mud of selfdeprecation and self-actualization.

The album opens with the pining love song “Passenger,” with emotion and vulnerability drawing us into the clutch of Knipe’s next line. The driving, guitar-centric tracks “Wisconsin,” “Breathing,” and “Adam” break up the crooners that Adult Mom lusciously delivers. Serving up a Cranberries, yodel vibe, “Dancing” brings me back to the 00s, driving my beat-up Corolla on the way to a brutal breakup with my first girlfriend.

The vibes coming off the lead single“Sober” feels like an icy breeze of reality, an anthem of that moment of do-or-die in a relationship, and you finally realize that you’re better off without that lover who was dragging you down. Slipping into the bedroom-pop, country essence of “Regret It,” the unyielding tempo paired with astute perception will keep you holding on until the album clincher, “Frost.”

In these tracks, Knipe shares moments of raw reflection, opening the door to their own inner-thoughts that are relateable, authentic, and overwhelmingly sensible. This album is not for the faint of feeling; get ready to buckle up with Driver and get deep in those emotions.

Struggling with Tinnitus? Hearing Loss? Sound Sensitivity?

Find the help you need and the relief you deserve.

DR. JULIE PRUTSMAN AU.D.

o u t f r o n t m a g a z i n e. co m 47

OFM style

MODS Tattooing and Letting Femme Flourish

by Keegan Williams

A

n ode to the strangers in my life who have approached me with unexpected questions about my skin, it’s finally time: I’m talking about my tattoos.

Last issue, I started the conversation on body modifications historically as a way people tell stories about themselves, their lives, and their identities; how body modification can be an inherent link to queerness, gender, and body affirmation; and specifically, my relationship to body modification in that regard.

I recently came out as nonbinary to my family, friends, work (and, I guess, everyone reading this now; hello!) following a near-year of pandemic isolation and intimate self-reflection, and I’m unsure if or when I would have understood my gender in the way I do today had I not stopped drinking in July 2018.

Like many folks in recovery, I realized I was stunted around the age I started drinking in excess, moving out on my own at 19. Over the 30-ish months

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OFM style

I’ve been sober, my authentic self was able to flourish, and one way I can easily measure the change is looking at the evolution of my tattoos.

Not to say the work I embraced pre-sobriety was inherently manly or male, but the earth-toned, art-nouveau, animalthemed sleeve on my right arm surely embraces the more masculine parts of myself.

My hand is donning a red-and-orange, bug-eyed goldish sitting atop a jet-black background. When I looked to tattoo my other hand the year after (and coincidentally, on the oneyear anniversary of my sobriety), I kept saying, “My right hand feels so masculine. I just want to balance it out.”

My most visible, femme-leaning ink at the time was a dainty, linework flower on my left, middle finger. I introduced a sparkling, pastel, heart-shaped jewel with an eyelashed, purple eye in the center on my left hand surrounded by glitter, and wearing something prominently that was so femme was just one way I can recall my tattoo preferences and gender expression shifting around the same time.

As someone who is often cis-assumed, tattooing is a way for me to embrace all parts of my gender and expression in a personal and highly visible way. I am heavily tattooed compared to most of the population, and I share a sentiment with many tattooed people that, while I usually book multiple Ironically, later that year, under the fish on my right hand, appointments a year, I’m saving space for the memories and I impulsively plopped four heart outlines on each knuckle. pieces I want to newly adorn my body at later stages in my I came up with the idea the day before the appointment; life.

I don’t think I was even planning to tattoo my knuckles necessarily. I was just in San Francisco to visit a friend and One of the magical parts of tattooing is looking back at your wanted a tattoo. If I were to get the, “What do those mean?” body and being able to see your journey in life on your own question for those, the answer would simply be, “I thought it terms, and with the gender euphoria and new freedom I’ve would look cute.” experienced since coming out and being open about myself, I’m eager to see how the story pans out.

(Honestly, I could say the same for the bulk of my recent tattoos.)

During my first full, booze-free year, I also started slowly replacing my fairly drab closet that I could mostly describe as, “My mom had Kohl’s Cash” and “leftover from 2010.” I went down two shirt sizes following other lifestyle changes (which also helped me feel more healthy and comfortable in my body) and currently have a collection of pinks, pastels, and patterns that feel much more in line with myself today.

I’ve since moved from Denver to Los Angeles, and the tattoos I’ve gotten here exclusively embrace my femininity. I have a number of appointments in San Diego this spring specifically to fill out my chest piece (currently a piece of vacant, sacred geometry I got when I was 19) with floral work. I’m enjoying the act of improving upon my previous work over covering it, making what I had in mind then more in line with who I know myself to be today.

It’s a relief to be open about and more comfortable with my gender, as someone who feels more at ease with their femininity than they ever did trying to embody masculinity, or squeeze into the ill-fitting suit of ‘man’ all their life. And, obviously, there is a lot more that went into my coming out and embracing life as a nonbinary person than my tattoos.

However, trans people have this amazing power of evolution and continuously shifting into their best, authentic selves, and having blossomed so heavily recovering from active alcoholism over the past couple years, I love seeing my tattoos shift with my gender and sense of self, especially because this change was taking place before I could even quantify what was truly happening.

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Scan or visit klarisana.com to find out how you might benefit from Ketamine therapy.

Or call our clinic at 720.776.0500

o ut fr o ntm a g a z in e.co m 49

OFM style

fierce skin that is

by Angel Rivera

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OFM style

D

ark spots, your spots, even hot spots.

Some of us have them; others are lying.

Also known as hyperpigmentation, dark spots can be the bane to any skin lover’s good day.

Hyperpigmentation comes about on the skin in a couple of different ways: 1. Too much sun exposure. I know you hear this a lot, but getting too much sun on your face without an SPF is not just bad for aging but also causes scarring from acne or buildups of melanin that cause an uneven tone to your natural skin color.

2. Leave your acne alone! As satisfying as picking out that black head or popping that whopper of a pimple can be, it not only leaves behind a gash, but is the number-one cause for that spot you hate so much.

Good news though: You don’t have to wait for dark spots to go away or live with them forever; you can get rid of them.

First and foremost, hyperpigmentation is not bad, nor should you feel the need to change yourself.

However, sometimes you want that flawless, skin finish that you see on your Snapchat filter. To treat these pesky spots and sometimes blotches on skin, you need to remember that patience is a virtue … but who said a little push won’t help?

All skin is different, and different skin requires different methods. When looking for products, it is always good to note that some acids and some retinol/noids can cause photosensitivity, and you should be wearing an SPF to avoid irritation from the sun as well as sunburns.

is more suited for people with lighter skin, as it can inhibit the production of melanin while it is being used and should be avoided by people with darker skin tones.

The highest percentage of hydroquinone you can receive without a prescription is 2 percent because it is that strong. So, use with caution, and use sparingly, as such a potent ingredient is not to be used all over the face.

Now, if you are looking for something that will brighten your skin and help even skin tone in a more natural manner, then vitamin C is for you.

Not only is this vitamin important for keeping away scurvy, but it also helps with brightening your skin’s color and relieve mild dark spots.

When looking for a good vitamin-C serum it is always good to note that L-ascorbic acid is a form of vitamin C in its “purest” form and is highly effective for treating dark spots.

However, if you are looking for a more costeffective way to treat dark spots, you are in luck because you can treat dark spots at home with things in your cabinet.

First is the famous matcha mask, which is one tablespoon of honey, a teaspoon of matcha powder, and finally, a teaspoon of water to get the emulsion ready. Green tea, especially in its matcha form, is great as a natural anti-inflammatory that mildly inhibits melanin over-production.

Or, you can simply brew your morning green tea, and after it cools, you can apply the tea bag to and massage any problem areas to help your skin drink in the goodness.

Some amazing products to help you on your way to an even skin tone are, of course, “acids.” No, not anything scary, but things like lactic acid, malic acid, or azelaic acid that can help with mild hyperpigmentation. These acids speed up the skin cell turnover rate, which in turn makes skin look brighter and relieves dullness from everyday stress. Use acids such as these in between your toning and moisturizing of your skin to help the serums penetrate deep into your skin.

One final method is using a two-to-one, apple cider vinegar toner, using two parts water to vinegar, as the malic acid in apple cider vinegar also is a great, skin-brightening toner.

If you are looking for a more concentrated approach, then products with hydroquinone or licorice root extract are highly effective as spot treatments. The former ingredient above

Do not forget these are not overnight treatments, and consistency is key when targeting a problem.

We here at OFM want you to serve looks, not lumps.

Lastly, before you try any new products or any home remedies, always remember to spot-test on your forearm or even hand before trying a product, because the last thing you want is to use a product that could be bad for your skin.

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OFM style

BLACK, LGBTQ FASHION BRANDS TO WATCH

by Angel Rivera

Get the

LOOK

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OFM style

W

hen getting into fashion, it is always important to look at the people behind the sewing machine and mannequins, as it is these visionaries that make the looks we want to serve. Here is a peak at some LGBTQ- and Blackowned fashion brands to keep on your radar this year.

Christopher John Rogers. The self-named fashion brand only launched a couple of years ago but is on an ascending, high-fashion ladder. Even garnering himself a CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund award for his bold silhouettes and amazing use of bright and beautiful colors, Christopher John Rogers is looking to be one of the biggest names in fashion if he keeps up his immaculate work.

Hood by Air. An amalgamation of high fashion and streetwear inspired by iconic, ballroom culture is the brainchild of Shayne Oliver, who wanted to create fashion that is genderless but evokes the high-fashion gods. Oliver calls this “power wear.” Celebs like A$AP Rocky and Rihanna have been seen wearing Hood by Air. Though on a hiatus from 2017 and most of 2019, Hood by Air is on a steady rise to the top again.

Phlemuns. Founded by James Flemons, this L.A.based brand has become a quick favorite of Lil Nas X and Hayley Williams of Paramore fame. Flemons embraces a gender-fluid design that is meant to be worn for and by anyone. His bright color choice, pattern-melding, and gender inclusivity have even gotten him a small documentary from Vice that takes a look at his thought process and design philosophy.

Stuzo. Another L.A.-based brand, this company is not only Black-owned, but women-owned as well.

Founded by Stoney Michelli, she is not only the founder but heads the design team and is a graphic designer. The brand prides itself on its “gender-free” clothing, melding street wear and avant-garde pieces together to bring bold looks and muted pallets to anyone with an urge for something that goes against the grain.

Telfar. Created by Liberian-American Telfar Williams, who is another winner of the prestigious CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund, this brand has become a cult classic due to an iconic, square tote that went viral on twitter. Telfar uses street wear as his canvas of choice, making products at moderate prices with recognizability. The titular brand is iconic among Brooklyn denizens and is getting acclaim around the U.S. due to the collaboration with Converse.

This is only a miniscule look at Black-owned, LGBTQ fashion brands; there are many more out there. There are brands that range from iconic to on the rise and are worth a look.

Fashion itself is ever-evolving and is in need of a face lift, and these young designers are taking gender inclusivity and running with it. Fashion is not just an expression of the wearer, but an expression of the designer, creating how they see the world and reflecting it upon the clothing that they so lovingly craft.

outfrontmagazine.com 53

OFM dining

Ototo Den

Photos provided by Ototo Den

Elevated Japanese Eatery

by Ash Trego

S

nugly situated on South Pearl Street in Denver, Ototo Den In the kitchen at Ototo, there is another chef named Yuki.

Yuki is from Tokyo and moved to Colorado when she was Japanese restaurant is truly a special little spot. just 19 years old. While she was working as a private chef and caterer, she took a time off, got married, and started This eatery’s name literally translates to “little brother,” and a family. Once her son got a little older, she decided it was it is in fact named for the owners, Toshie and Yasu Kizaki’s time to get back in the kitchen. She returned to work, and little brother Koichi. Koichi makes daily, early morning visits that is how she landed in the kitchen at Ototo working to, and maintains deep relations with, the fish mongers at alongside chef Koga-San. the Nagayama Fish Market on Kyushu Island. This is where all three of the brothers’ restaurants procure the wonderfully fresh fish and seafood they are known for.

Unlike Sushi Den, the “big brother” whose doors opened in 1984 and offers world-class, sushi delicacies, and Izakaya, the “middle sister” Japanese-fusion, gastro pub, Ototo specializes in Robata-style cooking. Robata cuisine focuses on ramen, bento boxes, small plates, skewers, and such. In an effort to better understand the wheels that make Ototo, Sushi Den, and Izakaya the smoothly run successes that they are today, I wanted to dig in and get the full picture.

The saying goes that “behind every great man, there is a great woman,” and this restaurant conglomerate is no exception.

Toshi’s wife, Michiko Kizaki is the pastry director for the restaurants. She says, “It was a great challenge to adapt my Japanese recipes to the elevation and climate of Denver.”

She spent months practicing and ultimately perfecting her recipes, including her famous banana cream pie.

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OFM dining

But, as is the case with any finely tuned venture, the powerhouse is not complete without the front-of-thehouse crew. General manager, born-and-raised Indiana gal, certified sommelier and cicerone (that is a beer aficionado, in case you didn’t know), Erin Dziubczynski has a long-time background in all areas of the hospitality industry. She is front-and-center, smile on her face, and right there to greet you once you walk in the door.

On this evening, having never dined at Ototo previously, I asked Erin to guide me as to what I should try. She and the chefs consulted, and I ended up having the crispy, spicy tuna small plate and tonkotsu ramen to start. Tonkotsu, in Japanese, translates to “pork bones,” and it is from these bones, and the lengthy, labor-of-love cooking process, that the rich, succulent flavors and texture of tonkotsu broth create.

She brings a world of experience and a passion for her work to the table.

The main course was Ototo’s January bento box. This work of art contains, just to name a few items, soy-simmered, tiger shrimp; sake-kasu black cod; roasted duck breast; honeymiso, glazed eggplant, Scottich King-salmon sashimi; soysimmered pumpkin; and crisp, steamed snow peas, and that’s not even half of what is in this beautiful box. For a full description and photos, you can visit their website, ototoden.com. Everything was fresh and delicious!

In addition to her outstanding kitchen and service team, her right-hand man, and my tour guide when I visited, is Izaak Lopez. Izaak is the kind of person we all need by our side.

Welcoming, knowledgeable, and a “makes you feel right at home kind” of guy. Erin calls him “a gem,” and I couldn’t agree more.

In order to properly give my opinion on any establishment, it is prudent that I check out the food firsthand. So, I paid Erin, Izaak, and the crew a visit. I love the neighborhood that these guys are in. It is full of charming, little shops and restaurants and is really the kind of place you want to walk around.

The restaurant space is sleek yet warm and inviting all at once: high ceilings, brick, wood, soft lighting, and what I can only imagine will be excellent outdoor dining in warmer months. The kitchen is open for patrons to gaze upon the gastronomic magic that is happening behind the scenes, and wall-sized windows allow for a fishbowl view of what is going on outside.

Erin also told me that, as things progress, they are working on expanding the bar offerings and doing seasonal menus to offer the absolute best ingredients to diners. She says that her focus is currently on learning more about sake and Japanese whiskey and developing cocktails using both.

My takeaway is that one can quickly sense, in the atmosphere, the personable manner of the Ototo staff, and in the quality of the food that they create here, that synergy, a love of food and feeding people, and a desire to share their passion for these things are at the heart of Ototo. I am so pleased to have discovered this place, and I cannot wait to enjoy a sake cocktail on the patio this summer!

1501 S Pearl St, Denver, CO 80210 (303) 733-2503 Ototoden.com outfrontmagazine.com 55

OFM thoughts

A Queer in Recovery

Fiercely Sober Hi, my name is _______, and I am an alcoholic.

I have spent some time trying to differentiate in my mind what makes an alcoholic different from a heavy or even problem drinker, and I think I narrowed it down to one thing: the inability to control usage. Entering into AA, I was asked this simple question: have I had several failed attempts at trying to cut back, limit, or quit drinking? I can easily answer yes to that question and can therefore be classified as an addict. Yet, is it as simple as that? When did I cross the line from “a little too much a little too often” to “I can never touch the stuff again?”

What happened to me is not uncommon, I believe. I began with using alcohol the way it was intended; prescribing myself a beverage whenever a thing happened. A celebration, a devastation, a stressful event, a time to relax, a social gathering, a rough week, etc. These were all reasons to pour myself a cold one and sip away; however, there came a time when a thing no longer needed to happen in order for me to be drawn to the bottle. When push came to shove, I could find any reason, and when I stopped looking for reasons, that’s when I knew my drinking was bad.

I had attempted all the tricks in the book to gain control of my drinking: I switched from wine, to beer, to ciders, to hard seltzers, to liquor, and back to wine again. I thought if I didn’t like what I was drinking then I wouldn’t have an issue stopping after a couple beverages, but I always ended up drinking more than I intended. I tried to limit the drinks I allowed myself to a number that felt reasonable, but most of the time, I lost track or didn’t care to keep counting. I typically could hold myself to my limit when I was drinking with others, but when I finally was alone, I could drink the way I really wanted. Swigging in secret directly from the bottle behind drawn blinds and passing out on the living room floor was really a sexy way to prove to myself I didn’t have a problem … but I digress.

Even though I had failed at trying to control my drinking more times than I believe is possible to count, I was still convinced that one day, I would find the magical combination of the type of alcohol and the kind environment that would finally make one or two drinks enough. I never found it.

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I have been told I have an “allergy” to alcohol. It’s not the traditional allergy you might imagine, where once I sip a drink, I immediately break out in hives and swell up to the size of Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Instead, once I get a taste of it, when the alcohol touches my lips, my allergy tells my brain that no amount I consume is enough and that I should keep drinking.

One drink is too many, one thousand is never enough. Quite a strange allergy, isn’t it?

Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful allergy, a true disorder of the mind that tricks us addicts every single time. No amount of willpower is ever enough to fight the urges, cravings, and inevitable binges. I used to think I was weak and lacked willpower; I subscribed to the moral model when assessing my inability to quit. The moral model says that alcoholism is a character defect, an ambivalence to the harm that an addict inflicts on themselves and others. “If only I were stronger, more principled, and of sound mind, then I could control my drinking.”

In rehab, they taught us that our allergy is due to an illness, a disease that I have zero control over, and it is because of my body chemistry, alongside a genetic predisposition, that I am this way. They told me it was inevitable, that if I drank alcohol at any point in my life, then I would end up a drunk.

However, I strongly dislike this explanation alone because it completely shucks off any personal responsibility and claims that it’s simply a result of my illness that I am willing to do shameful and demoralizing things to get my fix. As a person who relies on self-hatred and self-deprecation in order to propel myself into action, I don’t succumb to this model easily.

I think it’s more complicated than that ...

I am a survivor of sexual trauma and deal with PTSD, and through therapy, I have learned a lot about how my brain protects me from experiencing further trauma. You are likely familiar with fight-versus-flight, how some of us in dangerous situations step up and take things head on while others run away as means of protection. You may even know of the freeze concept where the body is rendered immobile and unable to respond. However, there are two, more complicated, neurochemical processes that some can experience: fawn and flop.

Fawn is when the brain goes into placate mode; one may be willing to concede to and even play into the aggressor’s demands, often shape-shifting their personality or actions in order to alleviate the stress. I, on the other hand, am the lucky owner of the flop mechanism. It is basically just as it sounds: I faint, my brain goes completely offline, and my body’s muscle memory comes online and takes over. When I am faced with something that triggers my PTSD, my body surges with adrenaline and I completely disassociate. I am no longer aware of my surroundings, I lose track of space and time, and it can take from minutes to hours in order to fully assimilate again.

This now brings us closer to a theory I identify more with when it comes to classifying my alcoholism: the psycho-dynamic model. This Freudian theory links problems with how we cope to our childhood. There is an unconscious motivation buried deep in my psyche that wants to protect me from the re-traumatizing flashbacks and memories associated with my PTSD, and abusing alcohol is an easy and fast way to achieve that result.

When I assess my personal history, a hybrid of the disease and psycho-dynamic models gives me the most accurate diagnosis to my alcoholism. With a predisposition of addiction that runs on both sides of my genetic pool coupled with my early-life trauma, I arrive at a place where I can better understand why my brain and body respond to alcohol the way that they do.

Even though getting sober has brought more instances of disassociation, I am now able to deal with the root issues that my alcohol consumption was covering up, and even exacerbating. Now that I wake up in the morning without physical and emotional hangovers, I can think clearly, ride the

waves of feelings as they wash over me, and allow them to give insight to my responses. Yes, at times, it would be easier to mentally check out with the help of a little sauce, but I know in the long run, that will not serve me. Healing my brain from trauma and my body from the poison I poured into it for years is my number-one priority.

OFM thoughts

These episodes have increased in frequency quite a bit in my early sobriety, as drinking often acted as a way to soften the edges of my memory and weaken my senses to where disassociation was less likely. This is both a con and a pro of my recovery, a con because I don’t know what will trigger me and how long I will be “gone,” but a pro because I’m better understanding myself and am able to start healing.

I’m not sure when I crossed the threshold of problem drinker into a full-blown alcoholic, but I know that no matter what I tried, I could not control my drinking. The only decision I can make now with any reassurance that my allergy will not completely rip my life away from me is to never pick up another drink. In my opinion, understanding my motivations to drink and subscribing to a certain model of explanation does very little to prevent me from drinking. Instead, I find it better to focus on what I want out of this short life and then ask myself if alcohol leads me closer or takes me further away from those things. While the allure of alcohol may still be powerful, and the desire for my mind to escape hasn’t completely been lifted, I feel incredibly fierce every time I say no to booze for one more day.

-An anonymous queer in recovery Follow @queer.in.recovery on Instagram or email a.queer.in.recovery@gmail.com for additional support and resources.

outfrontmagazine.com 57

OFM thoughts

American Queer Life

Heroines I Have Known

by Rick Kitzman

She clings to your heart She won’t let you depart La Femme Accident, 1985 Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

I

have loved the male sex, to some degree of awareness, for almost six decades, yet ironically, women have formed the bulk of my relationships.

Unlike Wonder Woman, Black Widow, or Captain Marvel, my super-heroines have battled real-life challenges—kids, career, sickness, to name a few— succeeding or overcoming them with compassion and courage, an endless enthusiasm to serve and a ceaseless sense of humor. There’s no better place to begin than with: Family Heroines Mom because she was smart, funny, creative, a terrific cook and homemaker, and filled with infinite love. Sarah Schmierer Kitzman was born in 1913 to poor farmers in Loveland, her mother dying in the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic. At 12, she had a tough row to hoe, literally: she weeded acres of sugarbeets (backbreaking work) and took care of her two, younger siblings. Sarah was passionate about school, graduating from the eighth grade. She raised five children with a husband of 62 years, worked hard for her money (cue Donna Summer), and retired well.

Despite heartbreaking poverty, Sarah was gracious, positive, and appreciative; she laughed often and exemplified how to transcend adversity.

My grandmothers Christina Zoeler Schmierer and Elizabeth Pfaltzgraff Kitzman because around 1910, with kids in tow, little money, and few belongings, these strangers to each other landed in the United States as German immigrants from Odessa, Russia.

Miserable obstacles did not prevent them from providing a better future for their children, eventually a combined total of 22.

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OFM thoughts

Alison Kitzman, my niece, because she became a full professor at a Japanese university, a rare feat for an American female in a highly protective and male-dominated society like Japan.

Friends Sara Myers because, as my roommate, we braved New York together, making each other laugh through many challenges. After contracting ALS, Sara lived with joy, passion, and gratitude, still able to play a brilliant rubber of bridge.

Terry Delisa because, more than 30 years ago, she allowed me to anoint her “Cherry Delicious,” the best porn name ever. Terry exemplified the struggles of a single woman fighting custody battles for her kids and succeeding in a male-dominated business world. Today, she relishes grandmother-hood provided by her son and his husband.

Hope Rogers because she went to the bottom of the planet as housing manager for McMmurdo Station in Antarctica, meeting her husband and becoming a Kiwi. Hope is the smartest and funniest person in the room (except when I’m present,) and her antics could provide hilarious fodder for long-running sitcoms.

Kagey Gronstal because we had a blast performing at the Chuck-Wagon Dinner Theater in Greeley, crazily moving to New York in 1976 to further that dream. Kagey was a talented actress the world never knew, being the first person I loved who was my age and died. (We were 25.)

Lu Mancinelli, because though she lost her battle with lupus, she never lost her sense of humor or undaunted tenacity battling medical and governmental bureaucracies for a modicum of benefit.

Miran d’Muse because she raised a beautiful, intelligent, and creative daughter, has survived 40 years at NBC in Rockefeller Center, has proved herself most loyal in challenging friendships, and has always supported yours truly in any creative endeavor I undertook.

An anonymous mother because, in the last 10 years of our 30-year friendship, she is raising her transgender son with unconditional love and support and an eagerness to learn from every unique opportunity that arises.

Teachers/Mentors Holly Hart because she taught me the joys of Shakespeare and the English language. She also mentored me in the dramas of high school theater and coming out, explaining The Boys in the Band along the way. After we recently reconnected at the funeral of a dear friend, I realized Holly is the only one left alive who shares memories of my early teens.

Deb Fultz because she mentored me to be a director of human resources when no one else would take a chance on an ol’ fag (I was 38), guiding me to a successful and satisfying career.

Dr. Marcia Wilcoxen because polio did not prevent her from becoming a wife, a mother, a tenured professor. Dr. Wilcoxen had a rapier wit, a mind of infinite knowledge, and a magical talent to bring the history of women vividly to life.

Others I must mention the following: Aunt Rose, who was the funniest woman I ever knew; Aunt Iona, whose sweetness I reaped as her godson; the Berger women, who all had careers in nursing; our Latina housekeepers, Suzi and Artimia, whose daughter owns the business; Addison and Maggie who, as the new owners of OFM, excitingly represent local entrepreneurship of the second-oldest, independent, LGBTQ publication in America.

Here are some heroines I have not known: RBG, Bette Davis, Melissa Etheridge, Billie Jean King, k.d. lang, Pat Schroeder, Tina Turner, and thousands of lesbian and straight sisters who joined forces with their gay brothers during the AIDS crisis.

I’m sorry you will never know my heroines, nor I yours, for I know you have your own to honor. Space limits my list, but as OMD’s song affirms, les femmes will always cling to my heart and never depart. outfrontmagazine.com 59

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OFM cannabis

Girly Ganja

Fellow femmes and feisty, flower afficienatos, have we got a treat for you. We broke down some of the tastiest edibles and tinctures this time around, and even threw a lotion into the mix for good measure.

outfrontma ga zine.com 61

OFM cannabis

Privy Peach Prickly Pear Lotion Don’t let the name fool you; there won’t be anything prickly about your pear after you use this lotion. Its smoothing, soothing qualities blend well with the sweet, subtle aroma, and the CBD makes it a lotion experience unlike any other.

TasteBudz Flavored THC Gummies Whether you’re an indica, sativa, or hybrid person, you’ll find something to love with these gummies.

There are tons of flavors, and unlike many other gummy brands, you can choose between the three types of cannabis in any flavor you prefer. They’re soft, tasty, jucy, and give the EXACT right high, not too much, not too little.

TasteBudz 5:1 and 1:1 CBD Gummies TasteBudz CBD gummy offerings do not disappoint. You get the same flavor and strength goodness of their THConly products, with the added benefit of CBD. Those who only want to microdose will love the 5:1 option.

6 2 OFM M A R C H 2 0 2 1

OFM cannabis

Privy Peach CBD-Infused Tantric Tincture If you didn’t quite get all your jollys out over Valentine’s Day month, or if you’re just a sexual being in general, this CBD tincture is perfect for you. It does the trick when it comes to getting relaxed and in the mood, and, unlike other CBD tinctures, the taste is quite pleasant. It’s also great for a relaxing, calm night in or for help with sleep and anxiety.

Wana 1:1 Black Cherry Tarts These tarts are like medicated breath mints: they taste great; they work wonders, and they’re perfect for the edibles enthusiast who is sick of cycling through gummy and chocolate products. In true, Wana style, they work quickly, and they’re exactly as potent as the label says.

Wana 1:1 Fast Acting Tincture Finally, a tincture that tastes great and delivers equal parts CBD and THC. Perfect for under your tongue, in your tea, or on top of a desert to end the night. Plus, the onset is superquick, not leaving you guessing about the experience.

outfrontmagazine.com 63

OFM lust

Threesome

My First

by Amanda E.K.

I

’m sitting on a plush, red loveseat with a glass of white wine in my hand. This is the first time I’ve been to Lana and Trey’s house—the lesbian couple whom I met while volunteering at an organic berry farm.

A week ago, while plucking blueberries, they’d asked me if I’d be interested in joining them in their play. I can still smell the fragrant musk of Trey’s body heat, the salty tang of her sun-kissed sweat, as she leaned in close to proposition me. An electric current of unrealized want had shot through me at her words.

I found it interesting that Trey and Lana should be able to pick up on my interest, considering that I was new to this world of open sexuality, despite being in my 30s. It was rarely an option to be myself while growing up, and there were so many experiences I wanted to explore. I’d never been propositioned by a couple, but I didn’t have to think twice about saying yes.

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OFM lust

From the loveseat, I admire the art above their fireplace, which is draped in delicate fabrics. Above it, a set of antlers flanks an Egon Schiele painting of one of his naked women. I’m comfortable but quiet. My reserved silence feels right, powerful even, in the presence of these assertive women. I’d never thought much about playing specific roles in bed, being one to think of sex as making love, but I’m increasingly aroused at the thought of giving up all control to Trey and Lana.

Lana—a slender, androgynous woman with a stylish, pixie cut—sits down next to me with a glass of bourbon, her barely-clothed thigh pressing against mine. Trey—a short, masculine woman with large breasts—joins us on my other side. I see that she’s wearing a pair of men’s boxer briefs that are stretched taut in the crotch as though concealing an erection. My cheeks flush as I notice the bulge.

Trey sees me looking and raises her eyebrows at me. I smile and look away, only to meet Lana’s eyes skimming the outline of my smallish breasts pushing out against my fitted, scoop-neck dress.

I have an extreme desire to do nothing, say nothing at all. But they seem to be waiting for some kind of permission, and so, barely meeting their eyes, I say, “I want you to do whatever you like to me.” They respond with deep, eager breaths.

“You are too much fun,” says Lana, as I follow her orders to stand up in front of her. I notice Trey starting to massage the bulge in her shorts as Lana lifts my dress up around my hips and instructs me to bend over. “Lean on your elbows against the coffee table,” she says. “You deserve a spanking for being such a naughty girl.”

I’d been a few minutes late to their house, and this is my well-earned punishment. I’m a little surprised at how excited I am to be told what to do in this way. It feels unexpectedly natural.

Lana slips my black, satin panties down to my ankles and has me step out of them. She then passes them to Trey, who folds them in a neat square and places them on the arm of the couch. “We’ll return them the next time you come over,” says Trey with a sly grin. I look over my shoulder and see her slip a hand into her shorts and tug at what she’s got inside. I feel myself get wet, then wetter at the sudden shock of Lana’s palm making contact with the soft flesh of my behind. My forearms skid on the glass coffee table, but before I can feel the burn, another soft shock from Lana’s hand returns me to ecstasy. I squeal a little moan of pleasure, which is mirrored by both Trey and Lana.

I turn again to look at Trey but she tsk-tsks and tells me to put my head down. This time, it’s Trey’s hand who slides up the inside of my thighs, running the length of her index finger along my glistening wetness, her thumb playing along my crack. I start to pant and my knees buckle as Trey slips a finger deep inside me. Her boldness and skill transport me to another dimension.

“Look how wet she is,” she marvels at Lana. “To think, that’s all for us.”

I could’ve cum in two minutes if she’d sustained the touch, but instead Trey slips her finger out and glides it into Lana’s mouth, who licks at it like some sweet dessert. Suddenly, Lana grabs my hips and bites my ass with ravenous passion.

I drop to my knees, unable to sustain my pleasure in that position.

“Turn around and face us,” instructs Trey. I do as she says, and as soon as I’m positioned on the edge of the table, Lana kneels before me and slips her hands down into the top of my dress, cupping my breasts and lifting them out above my neckline so that they’re high and firm. She tastes my nipples, then pushes open my knees and lowers herself to expertly trace her eager tongue outside, and then inside the kindling of my inflamed folds as Trey finally reveals what she’s been concealing all this time.

Trey lowers the front of her boxer briefs and pulls out a realistic, flesh-colored dildo that seems to grow in her hand as she strokes it while watching her girlfriend go down on me. I can feel my orgasm building deep within, spreading waves of ecstasy throughout my core. My arousal is so extreme that my eyes roll up, and my back arches. I thrust my hips into Lana’s face, and with an explosive surge, I cum hard into her mouth at the same time that Trey’s hips lift off the loveseat in a spasm to match my own.

Afterward, Lana caresses me softly as she tucks me back into my dress. I am speechless and spent and smiling.

We recover with another round of drinks, our legs entwined together on the loveseat. As I stand at the door to leave, Trey winks at me and says, “Don’t forget to come back for your panties.”

I smile. There’s no way that I’ll forget.

outfrontmagazine.com 65

OFM

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