OFM May 2021

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TABLE OF CONTENTS VOLUME 45 NUMBER 02 MAY 2021

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OFM BREAKING

Accountability in Law Enforcement The Fight for Equity Continues Tips on Getting your Vaccine

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OFM HEALTH The Link Between Food and Mood

Tales of a Fierce, Fat, Fit, Femme

LEARNING SHE

Mental Health in the Trans Community

OFM CULTURE

College in Isolation

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SAMPSON MCCORMICK

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photo provided by McCormick

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Human Trafficking: A Survivor Shares Their Story I Miss You Podcast

Alyson Stoner Harmony Foundation, Inc. CEO Jim Geckler

OFM DRAG

Cha Cha Romero

OFM ART

Louis Trujillo

OFM STYLE

Acne Care is Self Care Confidence in Self-Clarity

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OFM CANNABIS OFM THOUGHTS COVID and Beyond A Queer in Recovery

OFM LUST

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FROM THE EDITOR

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True, Nervous, Very Dreadfully Nervous …

In 6th grade, I discovered a lot of things for the first time: metal and punk music, science fiction and horror literature, raging hormones and a sense of rebellion.

One of the things that stuck with me was the horror fiction, and my love for Edgar Allen Poe and his Southern gothic sensibilities.

The first Poe story I ever read was The Tell-Tale Heart.

For those not familiar, it’s the relatable tale of when you’re a caretaker driven mad by your employer’s wandering eye, and you have to bury him under your floorboards. I loved the creepy, gross absurdity and the flowery language.

But what has really always stuck with me is that very first, opening line: “True, nervous, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am, but why will you say that I am mad?” As an incredibly anxious and depressed preteen, that hit home. What defined different levels of mental illness, and while the story was fun, what was to seperate my “very dreadfully nervous” demeanor from “madness?”

Thus began an incredibly difficult mental health journey, from extreme highs and lows of anxiety and depression, self-medication, coming out, weight fluctuation, trauma, and of course, plenty of horror. This journey is just now culminating in psychiatry, medication, therapy, and confronting some of my demons head-on.

Still, to this day, I am “very dreadfully nervous,” dealing with the peaks and valleys that are depression and anxiety. And I turn to art and self-reflection, reading, writing, telling stories, as a way to throw myself headon into the madness and come out stronger on the other side.

Throughout our issue, and Envision:You’s special mental health insert, that is a prevailing theme. Life is hard, scary, and unfair, and many, many of us queers are just as “nervous” as Poe. But art, creation, and self-reflection turns that pain into a story, pulling us through and connecting our narrative to millions of others going through the same thing. And thus remains the importance of telling stories and of encouraging mental health journeys.

So, whether your mental health journey looks like sobriety and therapy, or art and introspection, may you find the peace that quiets the nervous mind, at least temporarily.

-Addison Herron-Wheeler

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OFM breaking

ACCOUNTABILITY in Law Enforcement

by Ray Manzari

I

n light of last summer’s protests, sparked by the killing of George Floyd by police officers, local and state lawmakers set out to create more integrity and accountability within Colorado’s police departments.

SB20-217, or the ‘Enhance Law Enforcement Integrity’ Act, was passed during last year’s regular senate session, yet its stipulations will not go into effect until July 1, 2023. The act was sponsored by Senators Leroy Garcia and Rhonda Fields, as well as State Representatives Leslie Herod and Serena Gonzales-Gutierrez.

The law now requires all state and local law enforcement officers to wear body cameras which must remain on when interacting with the public or investigating possible violations of the law. The act also requires local and state law enforcement departments to track data on their employees and make said database available to the public.

Examples of data to be collected includes all use of force by its peace officers that results in death or serious bodily injury, all instances when a peace officer resigned while under investigation for violating department policy, all data relating to contacts conducted by its peace officers, and all data related to the use of an unannounced entry by a peace officer.

THE ACT ALSO SETS LIMITATIONS ON HOW POLICE DEPARTMENTS ARE ALLOWED TO RESPOND TO PROTESTS AFTER VIRAL FOOTAGE FROM MOST MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITIES LAST SUMMER REVEALED THE INCENDIARY PRACTICES USED TO DISPERSE CROWDS. The act states that in response to a protest or demonstration, a law enforcement agency and any person acting on behalf of the law enforcement agency shall not: discharge kinetic impact projectiles and all other non- or less-lethal projectiles in a manner that targets the head, pelvis, or back; discharge kinetic impact projectiles indiscriminately into a crowd, or use chemical agents or irritants, including pepper spray and tear gas, prior to issuing an order to disperse in a sufficient manner to ensure the order is heard and repeated if necessary, followed by sufficient time and space to allow compliance with the order.

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OFM breaking

LAWMAKERS ARE WORKING TO PASS SIMILAR LEGISLATION AT THE FEDERAL LEVEL WITH THE JUSTICE IN POLICING ACT OF 2020.

of George Floyd. The latest testimony from Minneapolis Police Chief Medaria Arradondo reestablished that Derek Chauvin’s restraint of George Floyd “absolutely” violates department The Justice in Policing Act aims to put an end to racial and policy and goes against “our ethics and our values.” religious profiling by mandating race and religious training, outright banning discriminatory profiling, and requiring data Dr. Bradford Wankhede Langenfeld also provided an collection on investigation practices. The act would also ban important testimony as the primary medical professional chokeholds and no-knock warrants, two practices which have providing care for Floyd on the day he died. Dr. Langefeld led to the untimely deaths of BIPOC community members. testified that “lack of oxygen,” not an overdose or a heart The act would also hold police accountable in court, a attack was the most likely cause of Floyd’s death. Whether precedent which could be set as the world watches the this or the countless other testimonies we’ve seen thus far are televised trial of Derek Chauvin, who was charged in the killing enough to convince a jury remains to be seen.

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OFM breaking

ACCOUNTABILITY President Biden

THE FIGHT FOR EQUITY CONTINUES

by Ray Manzari

“

Despite the extraordinary progress the LGBTQ+ community has made to secure their basic civil rights, discrimination is still rampant in many areas of our society.

T

hroughout President Biden’s campaign, he made many promises to the LGBTQ community regarding healthcare, equality, and the fight against hate. In 2020, Biden promised LGBTQ voters they’d have a “partner in the White House,” but has his administration delivered?

Since his inauguration, GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has released a “Biden Accountability Tracker” which lays out all of the executive actions the new administration has set forth regarding LGBTQ issues.

The current count is 24 actions within his first 68 days as president, including the reversal of Trump’s trans military ban and the president’s full support of the Equality Act. “Full equality has been denied to LGBTQ+ Americans and their families for far too long. Despite the extraordinary progress the LGBTQ+ community has made to secure their basic civil rights, discrimination is still rampant in many areas of our society. The Equality Act provides longoverdue, federal civil rights protections on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, locking in critical

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”

safeguards in our housing, education, public services, and lending systems—and codifying the courage and resilience of the LGBTQ+ movement into enduring law,” Biden said in a statement addressing Congress.

Though some of the actions listed by GLAAD are a step in the right direction after a grueling four years under the previous administration, some accredited “actions” are as simple as Tweets showing support for the LGBTQ community or a quote from Biden’s press secretary saying, “The president’s belief is that trans rights are human rights.”

While these statements are great for solidarity and comfort in the knowledge that we as a country are again moving forward, should we be patting politicians on the back for the bare minimum? That isn’t to say that the Biden administration hasn’t championed some groundbreaking legislation when it comes to equality both in the U.S. as well as abroad, but if we remove all the Tweets, comments, and statements from GLAAD’s list, we’re left with six executive actions.

01/20/2021:

Signs executive order that directs all federal agencies to implement the Supreme Court’s 2020 Bostock decision and interpreting the federal ban on sex discrimination (via the Civil Rights Act 1964) to include sexual orientation and gender identity as protected classes. The order points to ending discrimination against transgender youth in school facilities including restrooms, locker rooms, and access to sports programs.

01/20/2021:

Signs executive order directing the federal government to “pursue a comprehensive approach to advancing equity for all,” specifically citing LGBTQ people among the list of underserved communities.

01/21/2021:

Signs executive order to increase COVID-19 equitable data collection, pointing to lack of tracking data in underserved communities that are disproportionately impacted, specifically citing lack of data collection for LGBTQ people.

01/25/2021:

Revokes Trump’s 2018 ban on transgender military personnel and recruits.

The Human Rights Campaign reported earlier this month, a total of 82 anti-trans legislations to come out in 2021, marking the highest influx in such legislation in American history. Twenty-eight states currently have bills being introduced which would ban transgender women and girls from competing in school athletic programs. Texas recently proposed a bill which would make supplying puberty blockers, or other gender-affirming care to trans youth an act of child abuse. A recent bill in Arkansas gained national attention, with its amendment to the state’s constitution which would allow EMTs and doctors to refuse to treat LGBTQ patients due to their religious beliefs.

OFM breaking

THE SIX EXECUTIVE ORDERS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

The stark reality is that, while our current presidential administration seems to be pushing for equality and equity, many, if not a majority, of state and local governments are running in the opposite direction. Although an estimated 70 percent of Americans support LGBTQ protections our leaders continue to propose bills that are rooted in misinformation and hate. As a community, and a country, we will have to continue to fight for the same rights and protections that every American deserves.

02/04/2021:

Issues executive memo on advancing LGBTQ human rights around the world. The memo directs all agencies “engaged abroad” to consider the implications of LGBTQ rights in funding and policy, increases protections for LGBTQ refugees and asylum seekers, proposes combating criminalization of LGBTQ people in foreign nations, and directs agencies to file reports on LGBTQ human rights directives within 180 days.

03/08/2021:

On International Women’s Day, signs executive order to guarantee all students “an educational environment free from discrimination on the basis of sex, including discrimination in the form of sexual harassment, which encompasses sexual violence, and including discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.”

Other noteworthy actions from the Biden administration include changes to White House website contact form to include the addition of pronoun fields (they/them added), and the creation of the Gender Policy Council with the goal of advancing equality and equity for women and girls.

While it is both wonderful and inspiring to see an administration that cares about the real issues facing the LGBTQ population, it is equally important to report honestly and transparently on their actions. As things begin to look optimistic on the federal level, many states have begun passing anti-LGBTQ actions, specifically anti-trans actions.

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OFM breaking

TIPS ON

GETTING YOUR VACCINE

by Ray Manzari

R

ecently, Colorado opened up vaccination eligibility to state residents 16 years and older. With the large influx of people now eligible, the already arduous process of getting an appointment seems more daunting than ever.

However, there are some tips which may help to get you your shot in a timely manner.

Be persistent.

In many cases, waitlists are so bogged down with names, healthcare professionals are having a hard time getting through them all. Check regularly, daily if possible, to see if there are open appointments.

Widen your search.

If travel is possible, look outside your city or county.

Areas with smaller populations are likely to have more availability.

Use online resources.

The Colorado Vaccine Hunter Facebook group is a great place to find available appointments or useful information.

Vaccinespotter.org is also a great place to track down open appointments online.

Call the hotline.

1-877-CO VAX Co (1-877-268-2926) provides up-to-date information on where vaccines are available.

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The following mass-vaccination sites are currently open to the public (by appointment) and are administering as many as 6,000 vaccines daily: • • • • •

Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, Commerce City Grand Junction Convention Center, Grand Junction Broadmoor World Arena, Colorado Springs The Ranch Events Complex, Loveland State Fairgrounds, Pueblo

The following major retailers also have vaccines available, by appointment. Going shopping? Call ahead to see if the pharmacy has any cancellations or open availabilities: • • • • • •

Walmart Sam's Club Safeway/Albertsons City Market/King Soopers Walgreens CVS

EAT • DRINK • DANCE • REPEAT

OFM health

The Link Between Food and Mood

by Zachari Breeding, MS, RDN, CSO, LDN, FAND

W

e all have heard it before, “You are what you eat,” but do any of us really live by that mantra on a daily basis? It has become a concept that is sort of difficult to wrap your head around—mostly because the meaning is so convoluted. This mantra is inclusive of several ideas: that food can affect both our mental and physical states, that our bodies work physiologically differently when we eat certain foods, and that eating specific foods instead of others will somehow extend the length and quality of our lives. While all of these things are true to some extent, the way we use food muddies the waters when we talk about the role nutrition plays in our mood and overall mental health.

We eat to mourn the loss of a loved one and to celebrate the birth of another. We rejoice with our friends and family in celebration over a banquet of deliciousness.

Some of us eat when we’re stressed, while others barely eat anything. To get a better grip on this, let’s consider our bodies as bank accounts. Most of the activities we partake in withdraw energy from our bodies—working, exercising, running errands—while the only way we can deposit energy back into our bank account is by eating or drinking. So, it stands to reason that if our bodies’ metabolism relies on food and drink in order to function at the most basic level, then certainly our mental state depends on it as well.

The cornerstone of every disease or condition is inherently connected to inflammation. Just like the cut on your finger that swells and turns red, inflammation can exist anywhere and predispose a person to a litany of conditions including cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and mental/emotional stress. In turn, mental and emotional stress can cause inflammation, as well—which is why the foods we eat are so important. Changing the inflammatory state in the body has a direct impact on serotonin and dopamine, both of which control our mood, how we feel happiness or pleasure, and even how we sleep.

While there are foods we eat that can promote inflammation, there are just as many foods that can help to combat it. We know that foods high in saturated fat (including but not limited to beef, bacon, and fast foods) play a role in promoting systemic inflammation throughout the body and can suppress the creation of outfrontmagazine.com 13

OFM health

serotonin in the brain. We also know that physical exercise and eating foods inherently higher in fiber and antioxidants (such as fruits and vegetables) can not only suppress inflammation, but prevent it in the first place. You’ll notice that many of the foods associated with diabetes, heart disease, and other conditions are also the foods that can negatively impact the release of serotonin and dopamine.

Indeed, many people who suffer from nutrition-related disease also suffer from depression, stress, or anxiety.

Gut health’s connection to mood and mental health is an area of increasing research. The foods we eat can directly affect the bacterial community in the gut, known as the microbiome, in terms of both diversity and number.

The more diverse the microbiome, the healthier the gut. The microbiome plays a huge role in managing the neurotransmitters, peptides, and compounds released from the gut. Of interest is the shared neurotransmitters and receptors found both in the gut and in the brain.

Increased amounts of ghrelin (the peptide in the gut that tells you when you’re hungry), for instance, is associated with a physiological stress response that may be connected to overall mental stress. Though probiotic supplements may benefit the microbiome, eating a plant-based diet that focuses on higher fiber foods ( fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes) shows the most promise at this point.

“

FOOD CAN AFFECT BOTH OUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL STATES.

”

The evidence is strong for the connection between vitamin B12 and folate and depression or depressive symptoms.

Diets deficient in these two nutrients are shown to increase levels of homocysteine, which is an amino acid connected to the production of dopamine, serotonin, and other compounds in the brain. Increased levels of homocysteine are found in individuals with depression; low amounts of folate in the body may also prevent antidepressants from working as well as they should. A diet high in vitamin B12 includes foods such as salmon, tuna, and eggs; a diet high in folate includes foods such as leafy greens, broccoli, and garbanzo beans.

No one food, vitamin, mineral, or supplement should be considered a treatment for depression or other mental health issues. There is no information to suggest that nutrition alone can be a replacement for prescription management or counseling. However, nutrition and physical exercise may help prescription management and counseling to work better for you, and results will vary based on the individual.

While the most beneficial diet is one that includes fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, and other foods, there is nothing wrong with indulging occasionally in red and processed meats or fast foods. Regular, consistent intake of these foods is what promotes inflammation. Most importantly, choose a lifestyle approach that considers all foods but focuses on the ones most beneficial to you while engaging in regular exercise that makes you happy.

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It is time to reexamine what’s important to you. At Klarisana, our focus is on your mental health. We help people rebuild their lives and their perspective through Ketamine treatment therapy.

Scan or visit klarisana.com to find out how you might benefit from Ketamine therapy.

Or call our clinic at 720.776.0500

OFM health

Tales of a Fierce, Fat, Fit, Femme Dancing with Myself

by Addison Herron-Wheeler

A

s a little girl, there was nothing I loved more than ballet. I loved absolutely everything about it: the way the studio smelled, the feeling of the floor under my shoes, the muted pink colors, the messy buns and legwarmers the older girls wore, and the feeling of being out on stage under the hot lights, in costume.

I fell in love with music from a young age, spinning my way through ballet class, doing yoga with my mom, running and jumping with my friends on the playground, and dancing and singing every chance I got.

That love stayed with me as I grew to be a preteen. I loved ballet, but eventually gave it up for skateboarding and cheerleading, more modern pursuits, but still, I loved the movement and energy of dancing, skating, exercising.

Then, I hit puberty, and everything changed. As our teenage bodies morphed and developed, mine held onto more baby fat than those of my peers, but also developed into curves that made me look older. That’s when all the trouble began.

Ballet was really for the skinny girls; the chubby girls couldn’t go on pointe or star in any shows. I started to notice that all my favorite ballet movies starred stick-thin girls, and the one who was a fourth as curvy as me had an eating disorder to try and keep up with the others, but quickly got cut from the troupe.

Cheerleading was also for the skinny girls, the more mainstream-looking girls. During a pep rally, I was so excited to wear my new, pink cami and shorts to match the other JV girls supporting the older squad. My outfit matched my best friend, who was incredibly popular, and it was my time to shine. Instead, the day ended in tears and shame when the principal pulled me aside and told me how appalled she was at what I was wearing. I tried to explain that I was literally wearing the same thing as my thin BFF, and got shamed and silenced for talking back.

From then on, I didn’t like moving my body as much. I was no longer doing ballet, and I was kicked off the cheerleading squad. I didn’t feel confident enough to skate. I figured that the world of movement was for the skinny, not a world I belonged in.

This went on for years. In college, I was relieved to throw myself headlong into my passion for punk and metal, because in those circles, “I don’t dance” was a cool bragging right, not an admission of defeat. And while I biked or hiked from time to time, and I found ways to move and be healthy, dancing was gone forever.

Then, as cliche as it sounds, in my 30s, I discovered Zumba.

I also discovered I no longer care if others see me dancing around like an idiot, or if every, single move I make can be called “sexy” with no jiggling of unwanted body parts. Seeing other, curvy bodies moving and learning modifications and ways I could move and get swept up in my workouts reignited the love that I thought was long dead.

Today, I no longer care about my lack of rhythm, or the fact that I’m not a size 2 leaping across the stage in pointe shoes.

I’ve rediscovered the love of dancing for the hell of it, and in the process, I’ve reclaimed a part of movement and fitness that straight-sized society would love to take away. outfrontma ga zine.com 15

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MENTAL

H

EALTH in the

T R A N S

community

By Madison Rose 1 6 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

FIRST, THE BAD NEWS: Transgender youth are more likely to be depressed than their cisgender counterparts. One in five transgender youth attempt suicide in their lifetimes, and 60 percent of all LGBTQ youth reported being so depressed that they stopped engaging in their usual hobbies and activities. In addition, 40 percent of transgender adults described being in psychological distress, 5 percent higher than the average U.S. population who said the same.

And now, the good news: There is hope for the mental health and resiliency of trans people. There is a way to overcome distress and trauma. Sable Shultz, director of transgender services at the Center on Colfax, provided insight and advice on how to prevail through challenges which the trans community faces daily.

“My number-one advice is to find other transgender people to connect with. Peer support groups are excellent spaces to find community and acceptance for many transgender people. My second piece of advice is that no one who does not accept you is worth keeping in your life. Whatever role they fulfill now, there is someone out there who can do it better and will accept you for you. Believe you are worth it, and you will draw to you others who will as well. And if it is hard to believe in yourself right now, then faking it until you make it is a valid option.”

support hope gratitude

SHULTZ IS RIGHT. Many studies have pointed to the benefits of peer support in particular, and how involvement in trans-centered community organizations has been beneficial to overall psychological well-being.

“The Center on Colfax offers peer-led support groups and has referral lists for counselors and therapists.

Rainbow Alley works with Mile High Behavioral Health to provide youth (ages 11 to 21) access to counseling and support,” Shultz says. She added that, in addition to reaching out for peer support and to behavioral health services, “Blocking or snoozing social media profiles or pages” can also be a good selfcare technique for trans people. “Finding three things, no matter how small or superficial, to be grateful for” can also help.

In addition to The Center’s support services, there are many others available in Colorado. The Transgender Center of the Rockies provides support groups as well as access to behavioral health providers. The Gathering Place provides drop-in services for all women, transgender, and nonbinary folks experiencing poverty and houselessness and the Denver Health LGBTQ Health Services provides physical and behavioral healthcare to LGBTQ community members. Despite the dire statistics within the trans community, hope can still be found and cultivated. outfrontmagazine.com 17

OFM health

by Alice Roberts

by Alice Roberts

college

isolation n i

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How Mental Health Has Suffered During The Pandemic

T

he mental health of young people has suffered dramatically during the pandemic.

A recent, FAIR Health study found that in the beginning months of COVID-19, mental health claim lines for individuals aged 19-22 rose by nearly 80 percent.

In June 2020, 74.9 percent of individuals aged 18-24 reported symptoms of at least one mental or behavioral health issue, according to the APA. The APA also found that 79 percent of Gen Z adults said they needed more emotional support during COVID than they received.

The isolation has been intensified for those who recently began their freshman year of college. School events have been held online, and many schools have banned gathering inside. Spending time with others is crucial to finding support systems at universities; without it, a new home can quickly go from being exciting and stimulating to overwhelming and foreign.

Though the stories of student mental health during COVID-19 are demoralizing, the pandemic has brought about a new awareness of the problem. We now have an opportunity to provide young people with accessible, emotional support and to decrease mental health stigma.

Sadie, a freshman at California Polytechnic State University, has had similar experiences. “There’s just not really opportunities for social things that aren’t partying that I don’t want to be a part of … It’s definitely isolating,” she says.

“I think that it’s really important for there to be more open talk so that it’s not so much of a stigma,” Karen Mills says.

“A lot of kids are very much reluctant to talk. They think it means they’re sick or crazy … I think that’s important, to not only make resources available, but to help kids feel free and comfortable seeking help.”

For many students with marginalized or minority identities, the pandemic means isolation from identity groups that would have otherwise provided community and acceptance. Maria has been involved with the Black Students Union online, but says the experience hasn’t been what she hoped. “I think it’s really important for people to be able to place themselves, especially in a ‘Big Ten’ school. It’s huge, and you have to be able to find your place somewhere so that it can feel smaller. Not having that this year … I don’t really feel particularly rooted anywhere.”

Though the students’ experiences are disheartening, given the statistics, they’re not surprising. Denver-based therapist Karen Mills provided insight into the challenges adolescents often face. “It’s such a huge transition from being a child to being an adult … It can be scary,” she says. “With adolescents, connections with peers are so important. And, they weren’t able to engage like they normally do,” she continues. She also stressed the importance of therapy. “I think therapy is always helpful, just having someplace and someone to talk to and express yourself.”

Yet, many students are dissatisfied with their school’s mental health resources. Maria was placed on a long waitlist when she reached out to counselors at the University at Minnesota. Jenn, a student at Yale, had a similar story, mentioning a recent suicide at the school and a student campaign to allocate more money to the school’s services.

OFM health

“I’ve become so much more anxious,” says Maria, who attends the University of Minnesota as a freshman. “I’ve just gotten comfortable with not interacting with people ever. Frankly, I don’t really have much of a social life; I’ve just been staying in my room.”

The growing de-stigmatization has already made a difference in some students’ lives. “Hearing people be like, ‘A huge amount of people are going to experience depression at some point in college.’ Hearing that can just make such a big difference, because these things can feel so catastrophic, you know, when it feels like it’s just you,” Maria says.

Large-scale, legislative change is needed to improve the mental health system in our country. But for now, we cannot allow isolation to be the norm. We must move forward with intentional and deep empathy for the challenges and setbacks students and young people have faced. We must be better teachers, parents, siblings, children, friends, and peers. We must counter unprecedented isolation with unprecedented humanity—for the sake of our students, and for the sake of each other.

Some names have been changed.

If you are having thoughts of suicide and are in need of support, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Also concerning are the students’ worries about life after the pandemic. “I don’t know if I still know how to make new friends,” Ava, a student at Columbia University, says. “I don’t know if I know how to read social cues as well.”

Maria has worried that her social situation at school won’t improve. “I’ve sort of just prepared myself for the reality of, like, I might just not have much of a college experience in terms of having a robust social life.”

Lindsea, a student at Bellarmine University in Kentucky, says, “It kind of makes me nervous for the future, you know, because everyone says, ‘Oh, you meet your best friends in college within the first week, or in your first year.’ It’s like, ‘Well, I haven’t met anybody, so what does that say about the next three years?’” outfrontma ga zine.com 19

OFM culture

SAMPSON MCCORMICK Love the One You’re With

photo provided by Sampson McCormick

by Denny Patterson

2 0 OFM MAY 2 0 2 1

WITH THE STATE OF TODAY’S WORLD, WE ALL NEED A GOOD LAUGH. Award-winning, veteran, Black, LGBTQ comedian and writer Sampson McCormick recently released a new film project called Love the One You’re With. The dramatic comedy follows a Black, queer couple as they tread the rocky waters of a possible breakup during a lapse in communication over the course of their six-year relationship. Not only does the film provide humor and entertainment, but it stirs up necessary conversations about dating and relationships among Black, queer people.

McCormick, whose work has been featured at Harvard University and The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, is the first Black, queer comedian to headline a show for three consecutive years at the National Museum of African American History and Culture. In Love the One You’re With, he approaches the topic of relationships and dating in a raw and honest way but stays true to his dedication to telling authentic narratives of Black, queer men.

OFM caught up with McCormick to talk more about the film and the important topics it discusses.

How have you been doing during these days of COVID? I am a very positive person. I am not religious, but I listen to a lot of gospel music and gospel house music, and music is very uplifting. So, I am keeping myself in a positive space.

What can you tell us about your new film project, Love the One You’re With?

Oh my God. I don’t know if you have seen it yet or not, but it is an hour long, and it is the type of Black, queer film that we need. I am very blessed to have the writing ability that I have, and it was something magical that happened. We had magical writing; we had magical actors; the story is great, and it is a thoroughly enjoyable film experience. After watching it, I hope you understand where I am coming from. At times, when you see gay films, you do not know what you are going to get. There are a lot of gay films out there, and I am not crapping on anybody, but that is honest.

I want to see more quality gay films, and this is one of them.

Everybody needs to check it out so they can get that. We all want it, and this is one of those things.

see happening online in the gay community when it comes to dating and some of my own dating experiences. There is a lot in there that we need to talk about as a community.

OFM culture

“It is the type of Black, queer film that we need.”

You want to tell authentic narratives of Black, queer men. Why is this so important to you?

Oh, great question! That is so important because we really do not get enough of those narratives. Thankfully, we have a show like Pose, and we had shows like Noah’s Ark and things like that, but that is not even scratching the surface. It is a beautiful thing to hear everybody’s voice and see everybody’s experience, but I think we are kind of tired seeing straight, white people all the time. There are all these stories that are so rich because they involve so many complicated themes and things attached to being minorities. I think having those stories be told will allow us to have conversations in our community as minorities and also bridge a lot of gaps so that we can all be a big happy family the way we need to be as people.

One of the film’s major themes is mental health. Can you talk about some of the mental health challenges you have personally faced?

Oh, lord! You are going to get me started! Well, as queer people, we get beat down a lot. We get beat down by our families; we get beat down by society, and we really get beat down by each other. Imagine all these beatdowns, it is a lot to make you question yourself. Then, as a Black man who is also LGBTQ, there are a lot of challenges that intersect. A lot of worlds collide there, and that can be a lot of weight to carry. We cover those things in the film, and it is something that we do not talk about enough.

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com.

It’s our differences that make us great.

What inspired you to create this project?

One reason is because I have been locked up all through this pandemic [laughs]. Like, I have to do something besides baking. I made all kinds of sweet potato cakes, casseroles, and muffins, so let me try to sit down and write. I laid down on my bedroom floor over the course of a month, and I wrote it on my bedroom floor. It took me about a month, and it was kind of based on some of the discussions that I

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outfrontmagazine.com 21

OFM culture

Human Trafficking A Survivor Shares Their Story

by Alice Roberts

at the time, though, was that this club was actually also a trafficking ring. They were trafficking people out of this club,” Quinn says. The trafficking ring, Quinn continues, was “basically city-funded,” as many police officers, city officials, and politicians were involved. In this system, Quinn was trafficked for over a year. They were only freed from the abuse when they attempted suicide and were admitted into a psychiatric hospital.

Stories like Quinn’s are all-too-common in the U.S. Hundreds of thousands of people are estimated to be trafficked within the country every year. In Colorado, 176 human trafficking cases were reported to the National Human Trafficking Hotline in 2019, though many more cases go unreported.

Labor trafficking, which occurs when an individual is forced, coerced, or frauded into performing labor services, is common, although most human trafficking cases are classified as sex trafficking.

Q

uinn was only 16, a junior in high school, when they first became a victim of human trafficking. Stifled by the Roman Catholic community in which they grew up, Quinn wanted a way out. “In my early-mid teens, I was always surrounding my life around planning to get out of where I was raised,” Quinn says. “So, when I was in high school, I ended up starting to work at a strip club on the southside of Chicago.” As a minor induced in commercial sex, Quinn’s job was already sex trafficking under U.S. law.

But Quinn’s situation only worsened with time.

One night, Quinn’s high school teacher unexpectedly came to the club. Knowing Quinn was underage, he threatened to report the club owner if he wasn’t granted private sessions with Quinn every week. “What that teacher didn’t know

2 2 OFM MAY 2 0 2 1

Homeless, LGBTQ youth are especially vulnerable to human trafficking, and especially sex trafficking. A study from the Hollywood Homeless Youth Partnership found that homeless, LGBTQ youth were more than three times as likely to engage in survival sex than homeless, non-LGBTQ youth. According to a study from Loyola University, homeless, LGBTQ youth were twice as likely to have been sex trafficked at some point than their non-LGBTQ counterparts.

Quinn emphasized the complexities that exist within the sex trafficking sphere. As an adult, Quinn has consensually worked in the sex industry. They described how consensual sex work often exists on a spectrum of consent. “In one day, you can wake up in the morning, be consenting to sex work, be trafficked in the afternoon, and then be back to doing what you need to do,” they says. “I think trafficking gets this black-and-white picture sometimes … and that really isn’t the case for a lot of people,” they continue.

A deeply complex issue requires equally complex combatting tactics. At the Laboratory to Combat Human Trafficking (LCHT), a Denver-based, anti-trafficking nonprofit, the work against human trafficking is centered around training and research. The nonprofit’s anti-trafficking trainings reach thousands of individuals a year. “We focus on healthcare providers, those working with systems-involved youth, service providers, people working in the homelessness space, and even law enforcement,” says Kara Napolitano, research and training manager at the LCHT. The nonprofit also surveys community members on their perceptions of human trafficking to inform solution tactics.

On the national scale, legislations like anti-transgender bills further marginalize already vulnerable populations and put more individuals at risk of being trafficked. Quinn, who is nonbinary, explained the necessity of blocking anti-trans legislation. “Trans folks are at such high risk of needing to be engaged in survival sex, or sex work, or experience trafficking of any kind,” they say. “So transphobia on a legislative level absolutely needs to be addressed.”

Unfortunately, more anti-trans bills have been introduced to states this year than in any other legislative session. Many of the bills target trans-specific healthcare for children as well as trans participation in sports, jeopardizing trans kids’ health, safety, and well-being.

For the victims and survivors of human trafficking, it’s essential to receive support that is sensitive to the trauma they’ve endured. “Trauma informed care is truly being able to meet people where they’re at,” Quinn says. “Calling someone a victim if they don’t identify as a victim, or calling someone a survivor if they don’t identify as a survivor, is really not that different than misgendering someone …

You’re not meeting them where they’re at, you’re not being trauma informed.” They went on to emphasize that not only therapists and social workers are responsible for providing trauma informed care, but police officers, judges, and those working in nonprofits, too.

At its core, human trafficking is a human rights issue. Antitrafficking work requires a firm belief in all people’s right to live freely. “To work and not be paid for your work, to not be free to leave, to be in love with someone and have them selling you in these ways, it’s just the ultimate injustice,” Kara says. And to Quinn, who has experienced the trauma of human trafficking first hand, creating space for survivors is crucial. “All survivors, or all people with lived experience, or however they identify, are worthy of support, of being believed, and also of leadership and autonomy.”

Quinn’s name has been changed to protect their privacy. outfrontmagazine.com 23

photos by Julius Garrido

OFM culture

Relationships, Recovery, and Ritual Served in I Miss You Podcast

by Veronica L. Holyfield 2 4 OFM MAY 2 0 2 1

that a majority of people will probably have no idea what that is, and it comes up in four different conversations because they’re all connected in some way to this group.

I’m like, ‘I need to do a bonus episode that gives a sort of fast and loose history, or some type of description, of what the radical faerie movement and community are,’” they explain.

As an artist, musician, and writer, Moletress has experienced many journeys on the creativity train, and they also know that it doesn’t always produce fruitful results. This project, however, felt like something they could really sink their teeth into, and find a space that combined not only interest, but exceptional talent amid a time where we’ve all felt a bit disconnected.

In addition to providing some backstory and education about a particular part of the conversation, another bonus of the bonus episodes is it becomes a space where Moletress pulls the curtain back to their own thoughts, feelings, and reflections after the conversation with guests has ended.

“I was in the midst of working on another podcast, and while that didn’t come to fruition for a number of reasons, and so I had this knowledge already going. Although there have been some adaptations, some changes, and fluidity through the process, I’m still on the ride,” they say.

That ride began in late January 2021 as the I Miss You podcast, a weekly show about reconnecting during the pandemic.

Reaching out to people who have impacted their life, including friends, ex-lovers, teachers, mentors, neighbors, chosen family, and even biological family, Moletress has chosen to find the answer to the question, “I wonder what ever happened to so-and-so?”

I consider myself a connoisseur of podcast: an avid and eager listener of conversation. To be a fly on the wall and stretch outside my universe and materialize into someone else’s has always been of interest to me. While listening to I Miss You, I found myself satiated with not only the diversity in guests that Moletress reconnects with, but the depth of the conversations and how each episode is both authentic and intrinsically unique.

“I had one rule, and my rule was that I wasn’t going to be exploitative, and I wasn’t going to be sensational. I wasn’t going to bring people on and then try to trap them into some weird, sensational discovery thing, and because of that, I’ve kept the container of the conversation really open,” they explain. “I came up with two questions as bookends: the first was, ‘How is your pandemic going?,’ and the final question of the conversation towards the end was, ‘What is one thing that you hope for in 2021?’”

Deciding that they weren’t going to guide the conversation, instead, they would be very intentional about listening.

To their surprise, conversations naturally went to a deep, genuine, and vulnerable place. It was also in these conversations that Moletress realized that some topics may require a bit more background information and detailed explanation, which is where they came up with the idea of bonus episodes.

“There’s a series with friends of mine, and we all find ourselves a part of the radical faerie community; I realized

OFM culture

“I

had a series of fever dreams, and this sort of came to me; I woke up the next day and said, ‘I’m going to do it.’ I didn’t second guess anything, knowing that I would also be making myself vulnerable to whatever failures might come along with riding the train,” explains John Moletress (they/them).

“What happens now that the cat’s already out of the bag? What happens now that I’m in a vulnerable state?

Because being able to dive into conversations with friends and chat about some things that might have gone unsaid before doesn’t make anything easier, and it doesn’t make the relationship easier. What it does is surfaces all of this other stuff around the issues that then once we hang up the phone, I have to then carry with me to the gym and to the grocery store,” Moletress says.

“

I had one rule, and my rule was that I wasn’t going to be exploitative, and I wasn’t going to be sensational.

”

Season One unfolded before Moletress as a survey of people who have come through their life; friends from junior high and high school to people who have been significant in the last few years. Additionally, they have spoken with people whom they have never met, such as Queen Co. Meadows, Haitian Vodou Spiritual Worker and Harry Gay, a Londonbased activist, DJ, and founder of Queer House Party. Plans for the next season of the show could take a stark left turn from reflection into learning.

“Where I would like this to go is, just in the past two years, I came to find my biological siblings and biological mother.

I’ve had a conversation with my biological sister, but there are many other people in that lineage who I don’t really know. So, I want to start off charting of my biological family and other lineage,” they say.

What makes Moletress and the I Miss You podcast uniquely interesting is the fact that they are a student at heart, a being that is tapped into not only the art of listening, but in the craft of observation, fluidity, and movement. They acquired an MFA in dance at George Washington University in D.C., and after teaching for a time, decided to utilize their movement background and migrated into a therapeutic direction of Somatic Psychotherapy. Unlike talk therapy, Somatic Psychotherapy is a holistic, therapeutic approach which incorporates a person’s mind, body, spirit, and emotions in the healing process. outfrontmagazine.com 25

OFM culture

“I’m still discovering things as I go along, because there are so many aspects of the therapeutic field to navigate and find your way around.

This actually comes up in the podcast: I’ve been doing this deep dive into transgenerational and intergenerational, ancestral trauma, collective trauma,” Moletress says.

“Yes we’re here, we’re all individuals, and Americans all live in these radical, individual bubbles; but we are connected. We’re connected from things, events, experiences that happened, generations ago.”

Things from our ancestral past still have a profound effect on our nervous systems, they explain, and digging into that history can really allow us to ourselves to deep healing. As Americans, we are taught to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps” and “figure things out for ourselves,” and oftentimes, we aren’t recognizing that issues and problems aren’t solely of our own making. Moletress wants to help others by guiding them through the process of understanding that we can be more gentle with ourselves by accepting that there are a lot of environmental and ancestral things that are outside of our control. By gaining an understanding in how we work intrinsically, fundamentally, and elementally, folks can feel more empowered.

“Ritual, for me, really is about stopping and being in the liminal space for a moment to give gratitude where gratitude is due. To tune into what it means to be living on the Earth and being in relationship with things,” they explain. “Also, it helps to slow down that inner self-critic, and too is the idea that I have a choice. I have an opportunity to shape my life and my experiences in a certain way, and I don’t need to walk around every day with crippling anxiety, with a sense of dread, and not knowing where I’m going from day to day. I can just focus my energy in a way to really benefit from all of the great things that are going on around me.”

2 6 OFM MAY 2 0 2 1

“

Making an intentional decision to stop drinking was one thing, but it wasn’t a magic eraser.

“

As a way of honoring the ancestral and elemental influence, Moletress taps into magic and witchcraft as a way of making an intentional, ritual-based connection to the Earth, and to themselves.

Through ritual, Moletress was also able to let go of something that was no longer serving them: the use of alcohol. In I Miss You, Moletress does not skirt the fact they are an addict in recovery. Performing a ceremony on the beach of Cape Cod in December 2019, they used this as a chance to listen to their inner voice and let go of the hurt and suffering. They explain the details of what led to that day, and what ritual ceremony provided them in the end: “Drinking, for me, was ongoing because it was a way to not deal with all of these trauma fragments which were running the game for a really long time. I don’t really think there was something that happened where I was like, ‘I need to quit now or I’m going to die,’ but I got to the point where I was like, ‘I need to heal; this is exhausting; I’m sort of over it. I need to stop just numbing out everything and deal with it.’ I knew that I wanted to go to Cape Cod, to Provincetown, over New Years to see some friends, so I came up with this idea to do this ritual on the beach and ask the sea to take these aspects of suffering away from me, so I could begin again with the new year without all of the fear and sickness that came with the ways in which I was numbing everything so I didn’t have to feel it.”

They continue, “It was very Tempest-like; a huge storm came through, and I found this wooden staff on the beach. I picked up the staff, drew a line in the sand, and said what I wanted to leave behind. I crossed that line, going closer to the ocean, and eventually, I just went into the ocean. The tide was coming in, and the idea was that the tide would come in and would wash away those things out to sea. And it’s worked. I really give gratitude to whatever powers that be that it worked.”

While Moletress didn’t notice an immediate impact to their creativity after getting sober, the pandemic has played a big part in allowing them the time to focus that creative energy, and in turn, continue that inner self-work.

“Doing the ritual was one thing, and making an intentional decision to stop drinking was one thing, but it wasn’t a magic eraser. I had to reshape my entire thinking around what that aspect was in my life; what it was doing and what it was not doing for me. The way in which I did that is a very personal psychology, and other people might not agree with me in the way that I think,” they say. “It wasn’t my intention to turn this into a podcast about addiction, but it keeps coming up in some way.”

Speaking honestly about their struggles with alcohol and the way in which they find healing from addiction is just another example of the raw and authentic conversations that I Miss You features. From reconnection, to ritual, to recovery, there is no stone that is left unturned. What started as a fever dream, that transformed into an idea, that then created a podcast that brings hope, humility, and humor to listeners around the world has found a home nestled in a medium which honors truth, tragedy, and triumph.

outfrontmagazine.com 27

“I still don’t fully know who ‘She’ is.

I’m letting her just kind of develop as it happens.”

2 8 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

Learning She

by Veronica L. Holyfield

B

photos by Apollo Fields

roadway actor Mykel Vaughn (he/him) has yet to introduce She to the public. Keeping her safely tucked away to the confines of his New York apartment, he is still being taught who She is, the dame he is creating, and the performer who is itching to be seen.

He explains that he had acquired an outlook that performing hypermasculinity was the only way to be taken seriously. After moving to New York after college, he made friends with some of the local queens and eventually roomed with three performers who were in Kinky Boots on Broadway.

“She’s still brand-new, in a lot of ways, so I still don’t “One thing led to another, and I did what pretty fully know who ‘She’ is,” Vaughn says. “I’m letting her much every gay man does in New York, and I made just kind of develop as it happens.” myself a drag queen for Halloween. I looked at myself While She has made seldom and brief public in the mirror, and I was like, ‘I look really pretty,’” he appearances, Vaughn mostly keeps his time as her explains. “As time has gone on, every time I do drag, under the radar, developing his techniques and I get such an overwhelmingly positive response on finding a feminine expression that feels grounded the looks that I do.” and authentic. Identifying as a gay man, he Exploring wig options, makeup styles, and costume understands that in many ways, She is different from design, Vaughn increasingly became more interested him, and is also him at the same time. in the art of self-expression as he increased his “I’m still learning how to manage her because I capabilities of transformation. Unlocking creativity myself am a very bubbly, kind, warm person. I’ve through discovering the ways in which She reveals learned that, when She is fully done up, people are a herself to him has proven multifaceted and little intimidated by her,” he explains. “I realized that informative.

I have to kind of calm She down and allow people to “The more I’ve embraced that femininity in my go to her because She scares people off, otherwise.” life, the stronger the masculine side of myself Vaughn got his start as an entertainer at the North has become. It’s almost like a rubber band, being Carolina School the Arts and formed his queer stretched in both directions,” he explains. “Drag is presentation around the need to “play straight” in such a political statement in and of itself. I’ve gotten order to get good roles in the acting community. to understand toxic masculinity so much.” outfrontmagazine.com 29

Using the example of experiencing men hollering at him when he is dressed as She, donning a sexy dress and heels, he has been able to briefly step into a woman’s world.

“As a drag queen, there is an element that, of course, I want the attention. I spent the past six hours making myself look like this, and the entire thing that you’re looking at is an illusion, but I’m thinking to myself, ‘Something’s got to change.’

It’s not appropriate to just say whatever the hell you want to a woman just because she looks beautiful,” Vaughn says.

“Also, just my appreciation, there’s some women in the city that run around in these high heels, and I think to myself, ‘Oh my God, you are a superwoman.’ All of the pain that comes with the beauty, or the fashion, and just how strong these girls are that just rock it every day, and that’s just what they do. I think it’s amazing.”

In capturing the essence of She, Vaughn reached out to New York-based photographer Heather Huie (she/her) of Apollo Fields, and the two quickly began to brainstorm an interesting and unique way of telling his story. As part of the “Come As You Are” series, the pair landed on highlighting an area of drag which is rarely shown: de-dragging.

They decided they would allow us viewers to become voyeurs to the process of removing the charade, the unbecoming of the persona and the transferring back into the person. We see the removal of the heels, the stripping of the dress, sliding off the wig, wiping off the makeup, and the undoing of the tuck … areas of the body which emerge again only behind closed doors, now is performed before the unyielding truth of the camera.

“

Drag is such a political statement in and of itself. I’ve gotten to understand toxic masculinity so much.

3 0 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

”

“It’s an interesting concept because there’s so many shoots that you see from man to woman, but you see from the building of the woman, and we don’t really think about the relief that it is to take it off,” Vaughn shares. “Sure, we’re looking at the lens of particularly a drag queen, but you know that happens with any human. You have your mask, whatever you present yourself to the world as, and when you get home, you can shed that down to your bare self, and get to relax and breathe.”

As part of the photo essay that is posted on the Apollo Fields website, Vaughn exercises his creative writing muscle through an accompanying blog, personifying She and sharing a firsthand account of the process of de-dragging.

“We were talking about it, and reflected in his writing, is this idea of, ‘I never take off any article, any accessory, anything at all until I am behind my own closed doors again.’ You know, you can’t be half of a queen in the Uber,” Huie explains.

in order to feel sexy. She would also receive requests from clients to Photoshop their bodies or digitally alter their photographs after the session, and that approach did not resonate with Huie in the slightest.

So, the idea of “Come As You Are” was where Apollo Fields has truly found a beautiful space for their clients to explore all different concepts, Vaughn’s experience of finding an evolving ideas, and characteristics. version of himself through She, and flaunting his unapologetic self in and out of drag, is a precise example of what Huie was hoping to unveil in the “Come As You Are” series.

“I started to get into the boudoir industry a little bit, and I started realizing a lot of it didn’t totally align with my personal values,” Huie explains. “A lot of what I was seeing out there was actually not really that empowering. It was a lot of people getting into lingerie for the sake of getting into lingerie for somebody else’s purpose, and not really for themselves. So, I wanted to dial that back and put an emphasis on that we’re doing this for ourselves, first.”

Additionally, Huie was experiencing a lot of folks who wanted to wait before scheduling a boudoir session so they could hit the gym and tighten areas of their body, or generally lose weight

outfrontmagazine.com 31

Every photoshoot comes with a backstory, a deeper look that what the eye sees, and to give space for that, Huie has added the benefit of a written blog post for more of that story to be told. Typically written by Huie, she asked Vaughn to write the narrative to his own “Come As You Are” session, giving She the platform to fully express herself as the woman in front of the lens.

“One of my favorite things from Mykel’s session was just like the simplest, lovely sentence of, ‘I love being gay.’ That’s not a complex sentence, but it is. It was just so genuine; it can be this wonderful, amazing part of somebody’s life. It’s not all struggle,” Huie says.

For Vaughn, de-dragging in front of the camera wasn’t a challenge. As a gay man, he has gone through his own process of learning to love his body, and similarly to many of Huie’s early boudoir clients, he has felt the pressure from gay culture to conform to expectations.

“The gay culture has a huge body dysmorphia problem; if you don’t have a six- or eightpack, and you aren’t six-foot-two, you kind of just don’t matter,” Vaughn explains. “And then, on top of that, there is a lot of what we call ‘bottom shaming,’ the bottom is the lesser, or the bitch, or the female, which is just terrible. First of all, even in a straight relationship, I think a man should uplift his woman, and just because penetration is happening doesn’t mean that she can’t be empowered, or be dominant. Just as I think in a gay relationship, in a lesbian relationship, a pansexual relationship, or whatever it is.

“I think that for a lot of our older, gay males and mentors, they had to blend into society to not cause a ruckus and to get ahead in the business world. Therefore, they had to put on that toxic masculine suit, figuratively and literally, just to be respected. That, unfortunately, I think has brought itself into the gay community,” Vaughs says.

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Experiencing a shift in attitudes, though, Vaughn does feel that those barriers are breaking down, as the younger generation has fewer hang-ups about gender expression and leans more into a fluid form of identity.

From things as simple as gender-bending haircuts to seeing more accessibility when it comes to makeup, shoewear, and clothing options, he feels inspired and less inhibited in living out loud and letting She flourish.

“It’s exciting, and it’s inspiring me; if I wanna wear a dress today, then I’m gonna wear a dress today. It is what it is,” he says.

She is many things. She is expression; She is creativity; She is feminine, and She is masculine. As Vaughn continues to learn She, he can proceed with passion, rather than with fear, and that is what most of us hope to grow into as we learn ourselves, and each other.

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OFM culture

HIG ROBERTS I

OFM culture

Bringing LGBTQ Visibility to the World of Sports

by Denny Patterson

n December, former two-time, U.S., national champion Because I was ready. I had buried a big part of who I was for and Team America member Hig Roberts became the first so many years, and it caused a lot of shame and very difficult elite men’s alpine skier to publicly come out as gay. things for me—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Once In an exclusive interview with the New York Times, Roberts I was able to work through that and understand that this is said he decided to choose happiness over living a lie. He who I am—I am ready to be that person; I am ready to let go of opened up about struggling with his sexual identity and all that discomfort that I was feeling within the professional hopes to create a more inclusive sports environment for athletic world—I felt an obligation to share that story. athletes, and he is encouraging others to be themselves.

Raised in the skiing mecca of Steamboat Springs, CO, Roberts had a successful ski racing career. He was recruited to the U.S. Ski Team after college and skied the World Cup circuit, going on to become national champion in GS and slalom in 2017 and 2018, respectively. Skiing was a safe haven for Roberts, a place of freedom and escape.

However, with the rise of his ski racing career and two national titles under his belt, Roberts did not feel like a champion.

Being in the closet took away a lot of the experience and joy he could have experienced. Guilted by shame, not living an authentic life took a staggering toll on his mental health.

OFM had the opportunity to catch up with Roberts and see how life has been since coming out and how he will bring LGBTQ visibility to the world of sports.

How has life been these past couple months since coming out?

It has been great. Honestly, telling my story, it was not something that I fully expected to do or go the way that it did. I got to that point by being vulnerable and being able to openly express that to not only my closest friends and people that were around me at the time, but also other athletes who went through similar experiences. I feel very grateful to have been given that platform to tell my story, which I think was a very important narrative that I wanted to get out to the world.

At the end of the day, I want to give back to the sport of alpine skiing in a way that is not completely focused on myself or interested in goals of achieving medals and awards but giving back in a way that can potentially change the space for the betterment of other people in the future. This made the timing feel appropriate. Once I was able to articulate exactly what this journey was and what it meant to me, I was ready to do it.

You have mentioned in other interviews that you began to question your sexuality at age 12. Do you remember the first time you thought you may be different?

It is hard to exactly know the right age, but I knew I was a different kid. Not just with my sexuality. I have a twin sister, so I had a direct comparison to me all through growing up, and I recognized that I was not like my teammates around that age as well. It has been an interesting thing to explore because at the time, I rationalized it with quite a bit of ease knowing that I had a wonderfully accepting family even though I never knew anyone in my family or in my small town who identified anything other than straight.

To recognize that I was going to be OK, it was a great thing, but also because of the lack of visibility or representation around me, I did not necessarily know how bringing that to my family or friends would work. It was not until I got older and became a professional athlete when things started to get a little more complicated in terms of my relationship with I think the biggest thing that has changed since the story came my sexuality. That ease that I had at a young age essentially out was, it has given me the opportunity to start fresh with a disappeared when there was more at stake involving my lot of things in life. Reconnect with people who I previously identity and where I was trying to be successful. worked with or competed against and begin to describe to You received such positive responses from people them more in-depth what was going on with me and team around the world. Were your family and friends just as up with them to make the sports world a better space in supportive? the future. I have also connected with some great advocacy Yes. It came together very quickly, and I received word that programs and platforms. It has been very exciting. the piece would be in the New York Times maybe two days What made you feel like this was the right time to let the before it happened. It was an easy day for me, and I slept in world know that you are gay? past my alarm because I forgot it was happening. I was so

outfrontmagazine.com 37

OFM culture

ready for this moment, and it was even more rewarding to share it with my family, closest friends, and everyone who went through this process with me. It was phenomenal, and they all chipped in to help me connect with other family members and friends. It was a very gentle time in my life, and it was very rewarding to have that support.

You touched on it a moment ago, but can you talk more in-depth about the emotional and mental challenges you experienced by being in the closet?

I became a professional athlete post-collegiate career. This activity, this sport that I did, suddenly became a career, and my career was on the line every single day that I was out there on the hill. It heightened everything in my body. It heightened the way I thought about how I existed in the space and what I needed to show other people. In a lot of ways, I was already so much on the outside within the Team USA structure. I was a collegiate athlete who made it, I ran into some funding problems, I had an interesting schedule compared to other athletes, and I had a brother who passed away.

I was very much dealing with that on my own because I felt like I did not have the support or resources within that realm. It was basically this massive dissonance of confusion in my brain about how to survive in a sport while being so different. I was fearful that my sexuality would lead me to lose sponsorship opportunities, or I would have coaches and teammates who were homophobic and did not want me in the same environment as them. It made me incredibly stressed and anxious, and it took away a lot of the focus that

“My career was on the line every, single day ...”

3 8 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

I should have had on competing and reaching my potential.

They were hard times during those years.

How has coming out impacted your mental health for the better?

The best piece of advice, and this is relatable to anyone in this world: being authentic and being able to look in the mirror, love yourself, and be your biggest fan is so critical for anyone. For me, being honest about who I was and leaning into that for the first time has allowed me to just love and believe in myself more. I can look back on my ski career and other parts of my life and think, I was not able to give life my full attention and I was not able to reach my potential because I was not being honest with myself or with the people around me. Letting go of that is very critical to having a great mental state.

Coming out is a process, and I have learned it is a journey.

I am learning every day more about who I am and what it is I want to do. It is exciting, and I made the right decision to do it. I encourage people who are in the same spot to take the time to do it at their own pace and to find a great community and realize that there are more people out there who are going to love you and accept you and embrace this bravery and commitment to being authentic than you could ever imagine. That is a huge lesson I learned. I discounted how many people out there would love and support me when it happened, and I wish I had given that more of a consideration long ago.

OFM culture

Alyson Stoner FROM CHILD STAR TO MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE

by Denny Patterson

A

lyson Stoner is a multi-disciplinary artist who has appeared in numerous films, TV shows, and tours throughout her childhood, including Disney Channel’s Camp Rock, Phineas and Ferb, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, and film franchises Cheaper by the Dozen and Step Up. While Stoner remains active as a content creator and performer, in recent years, she has switched her attention to mental health advocacy.

Growing up with depression and anxiety while simultaneously experiencing the struggles and trauma of the Hollywood spotlight, Stoner understands firsthand how important it is to take care of one’s mental health and well-being. She recently founded Movement Genius, a platform for finding mind and body wellness in a way that works for you.

Stoner is on a mission to make personal transformation accessible, affordable, and relevant. She is currently utilizing her certification to design courses alongside psychotherapists and topical experts in the realms of somatic healing for racialized trauma, tech and media literacy, integral consciousness, and mindful movement.

Stoner also teaches dance monthly to thousands of students through CLI Studios.

OFM had the opportunity to talk more with Stoner about Movement Genius, why she is passionate about mental health, and the dark side of fame she faced as a child star.

How are you doing during these days of COVID? I am adapting to adapting [laughs]. I will say, I do feel very fortunate that I have quite a large tool kit of resources and practices that helped during the initial transition period. However, it is not without plenty of stress and ebbs and flows.

Why is mental health so important to you, and can you tell us how this journey of advocacy began?

Mental health, just like brain health and heart health, is core to our very existence.

Our sense of well-being, self-worth, identity, and productivity are so closely correlated to how we speak to ourselves and think through situations. It also involves understanding our unique chemistry and temperament, which is of course, influenced by lifestyle, medication, genetics, etc. Of the thousands of thoughts, we have each day, there is constant communication between mind and body that shapes how we make decisions, interpret our environment, and treat people. I long for each of us to feel confident, safe, comfortable, and at home in our skin.

My journey, I have always been drawn to contemplation and self-reflection. I grew up in a very chaotic industry, as well as a chaotic household that involves abuse

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photos by Nick Onken

OFM culture

and there is also very little accountability with production companies and agencies. Right now, I am advocating for mental health practitioners on every set, especially sets with minors, and basic media and industry literacy courses just to create safer spaces. A lot of work to be done.

You are the founder of Movement Genius. What can you tell us about this platform, and what made you want to start it?

Yes, a much greater topic! Movement Genius is an online platform that uses movement to improve mental and emotional well-being. We work with licensed somatic psychotherapists, and a variety of movement instructors across cultures, identities, and abilities to create movement content that meets you where you are, helps you reconnect your mind and body, reduces stress, and helps you feel better.

Specifically, we wanted to create a welcoming space for people who do not necessarily want to dance or do yoga, or they do not identify as an athlete. We all have a body, and we all deserve to be able to understand our natural way of moving through the world, but classes can feel a bit alienating, especially for underrepresented communities in wellness, including queer folks. We want to be very conscientious about how we design classes. Truly, inclusivity is not just a buzzword for us, but it is fundamental to the core team to the classes and to the user experience.

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com. and addiction. Somehow, I think that provoked a constant yearning for meaning, peace, and equilibrium. I searched high and low, Eastern and Western, scientific and spiritual, and solo and communal for resources and practices that can reduce the constant anxiety and stress I felt. Thankfully, I also found a therapist early on, who taught me how to safely reinhabit my body when I was numbing or disassociating.

So, I am very grateful. Mental health has been a pillar for me.

Anything that provides value is something I want to be able to then turn around and offer others.

Can you talk more about the biggest challenges you faced and the darker side of fame you encountered?

The industry took a drastic toll on every part of me. Mind, body, being, identity, relationships, family, purpose. We have to recognize that at such an impressionable age, young actors are being asked to reenact a variety of often extreme scenarios as characters, and our brains are not differentiating them as fiction. Many of us are rapidly adultified to the position of financially providing for our families. Many of us are asked to behave in inappropriate ways with adults, on and offset.

Many of us are taking on the responsibility of maintaining a global, public reputation. Many of us miss out on formative education. I attended eight different versions of school.

We also deal with breaches of basic safety. Our person is not our own. It is a product, and it is accessible to others to possess and control. There is an important thing to mention, which I call the toddler-to-train-wreck industrial complex.

There are very few resources that support young performers and families through these inevitably difficult experiences,

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o u t f r o n tm a g a z i n e.co m 41

Pride in Recovery with Harmony Foundation, Inc. CEO

OFM culture

Jim Geckler

by Veronica L. Holyfield

T

he road to recovery from alcohol and drug addiction is difficult, and many addicts die from the disease, never getting the chance to live a life without the suffering and desperation. For 52 years, the Estes Park residential and outpatient program Harmony Foundation has helped a countless number of individuals obtain sobriety from drugs and alcohol.

The 12-step, abstinence-based program is a variation approach of the Minnesota Model, a highly regarded treatment model which incorporates the original program developed by Alcoholics Anonymous and therapeutic practices, including doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

The road to recovery from alcohol and drug addiction for LGBTQ folks is even more difficult, as there are unique challenges that the queer community faces that are different than their straight, cisgender counterparts. Harmony Foundation CEO Jim Geckler knows this fact as a gay man in recovery from addiction, and he has faced many of these challenges himself.

“LGBTQ+ treatment has been a passion of mine for a long time,” Geckler says.

“I went to an LGBTQ-specific treatment program for my first treatment; the two following were not a specific program. I know that there’s a need to have a safe place for people to be able to talk about LGBTQ issues; as a community, we have greater awareness of mental health issues and trauma issues than we find in a heterosexual community.”

Using his firsthand experience as a guiding light, Geckler is genuine and honest in sharing his own history with alcohol and drugs, which started at the age of 12. By middle school, he had a bottle of alcohol hidden in his locker, and by high school, he was drinking almost daily.

“I did every drug I could do, except for crystal meth, before I graduated from high school, and I did them in every way, except injecting them, before I graduated; that came later,” he explains. ”Unfortunately for my disease, I’m a bright guy, and I’m a pretty good actor, and I think some of that comes with being LGBTQ. As a young, gay boy, I knew I needed to hide.”

Growing up in an Irish-Catholic church, he knew he needed to lie about who he was, so lying about drug use and drinking came easily. Geckler is also adopted, and grew up with the feeling of never fully being connected or a “part of.” Additionally, he is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, which also fueled his need to numb.

“I was sexually abused for years by a Scoutmaster, so I also got the message that I can get approval from adults and acceptance by letting them do sexual things to me. At 16 years old, in Buffalo, NY, where the drinking age was 18 at the time, I was going out to gay bars, having sex with adults, and drinking and using. I thought it was fun. I did, I thought I was having a good time. And some of it was fun, but I didn’t see at the time how much damage was caused,” Geckler says.

While in college, Geckler was unable to hold down a job and found himself in a significant relationship with a man named Bobby by his early 20s. Bobby took care of him, would drive when he was too drunk, would cover for him, and cleaned up the messes that Geckler found himself in. At the age of 25, Bobby had an aneurysm and died.

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“As a young, gay boy, I knew I needed to hide.”

OFM culture

Jim Geckler (right) and husband Peter photographed on the grounds of Harmony Foundation, Inc. Photo provided by Jim Geckler

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OFM culture

“At that time, we were both very involved in ACT UP and Queer Nation. The AIDS pandemic was killing my friends, killing people around me, and we were all scared and didn’t know what to do about that, so we took to the streets in a really positive way and made great change. When, when Bobby died, I felt like I lost that community; I actually had friends who said, ‘Well, it wasn’t AIDS, so it’s not a big deal.’”

As his life quickly deteriorated, he found himself back at his adoptive parents house, back in his childhood bedroom, shooting cocaine and drinking every night. He describes it as being in a state of complete and entire demoralisation.

With loving parents, his dad a dentist and his mom an artist, who had no idea what to do with a kid who was completely out of control at 30, they sent him to Minnesota for treatment.

“Well, it wasn’t AIDS, so it’s not a big deal.”

“I went to treatment, didn’t follow any of the recommendations, got out of treatment, and got right into a relationship because I couldn’t be alone.

I also didn’t know anything about myself and had no ability to be in a relationship, and I relapsed rather quickly,” Geckler explains.

By his second stint at an inpatient treatment center, he found himself a little more willing to listen to what was being suggested. However, following directions didn’t last too long, and Geckler got into a great deal of legal trouble due to the decisions he was making to support his drug use.

“At this point, I was a daily, IV drug user of crystal meth and cocaine; I weighed about 120 pounds; I had sores on my face from picking; I lived in an apartment that had boxes filled with garbage because I couldn’t figure out how to get the garbage out. And, I ended up getting arrested, and that saved my life,” Geckler says.

Due to the arrest, he wound up in a year-long treatment program and remembers that if he had ever had a spiritual awakening resulting from the gift of desperation, it was the night he was arrested. He decided he was going to do what they told him this time, and more importantly, he wasn’t going to lie anymore. While lying saved his life as that little, queer boy who grew up in an Irish-Catholic family, it was no longer serving him as an adult, gay man who has the ability to learn new coping tools.

His practice of recovery has evolved over time since Geckler got sober more than 20 years ago, and it now looks like him meeting with a sponsor to whom he is accountable to, sponsoring other recovering addicts, regularly attending 12step meetings and working the steps, talking to friends daily, and staying close to a community of recovery. In addition to addiction recovery work, Geckler started participating in a yearly workshop that made him finally face the trauma from his childhood that he had set aside for all those years.

“I was about 10 years sober when my mom died, and I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and in my recovery. I started participating in a yearly workshop that I do with a group of 4 4 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

12 heterosexual, cisgender men, the people that make the most uncomfortable in the entire world. I go and spend a week with these guys, and we do trauma work.

It’s incredibly vulnerable; it’s incredibly difficult work.

“It was really interesting doing the trauma work with straight men because I had a lot of bias about what it means to be a man; I had an idea in my head of what it meant to be a man and how I fell short of that. So, through this, I’ve gotten a better understanding of my recovery; I have a clearer understanding of my response to multiple traumas, from sexual abuse, to being given up for adoption, to being a young, gay boy in the Catholic Church.”

Through this unlikely group of people, Geckler learned how to be kind to and how to care for his inner child.

“I was very unkind when I was using; I disliked myself so much that I needed to make other people hurt as much as I did. I look at other people now; I see them hurting and try to be empathetic and caring toward them,” he says. “In my position, I have to make decisions, and part of my recovery is to second-guess every decision that I make. But my experience has brought me to this point where professionally, I’m OK.” Professionally speaking, he has seen great success in working in the realm of addiction treatment and abstinence-based recovery services for the queer community. His first position 20 years ago with St. Paul Sober Living, opening their first LGBTQ house led him into intervention and family consulting work, which then landed him at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, where he started the first LGBTQ group at Hazelden Center City.

“We know that at any point in time, at least 10 percent of our clients at any treatment center are going to be LGBTQ+-identified, and Hazelden didn’t have a space for folks to come and talk about concerns that people have about coming out, and what will their peers will say, and worried about the consequences of coming out. So, we created a safe place for people to be able to come and talk about it. We know that there are still today people in their 30s and 40s who haven’t come out to their families, or really themselves, and are realizing this early in their recovery and need a supportive environment for them to talk through things,” Geckler explains.

About five years ago, Geckler was introduced to Harmony Foundation by a psychologist who was their current chief clinical officer and had been a colleague of his at Hazelden Betty Ford. He was informed that Harmony was looking for a chief operating officer, and shortly after, Geckler and his husband made the move to Estes Park. Now in the position of CEO, Geckler and his husband have settled into life, and recovery, in Colorado.

Just as Geckler had with his former jobs, he looked for intentional ways of being LGBTQ-inclusive and expanding services to make queer clients feel safe as they navigate the road to recovery.

“One of the first things I did was look at all of our language; language is very powerful. We went through

placed in a partnering program where they can fully and freely get the support they need in an environment that feels supportive.

Geckler’s personal journey has informed his professional ventures, from finding a supportive network that helps solidify his own recovery to creating safe spaces for LGBTQ folks to obtain their own sobriety.

Through his trials and tribulations, he is able to understand, empathize, and enact change. Through working on himself, and recognizing what many identify in the 12step program as character defects, he has turned them into character development and grown into a resilient, compassionate, and altruistic human.

“Language is Very Powerful; we Make No assumptions.”

“We are as open, accommodating, and supportive as we can be. If someone comes in who is genderfluid, or transgender, we try to work them into the program based on their gender identity, and we’ve had great success with that,” he says. “Genderfluid tends to be the one that creates the greatest challenge for us in making sure that the individual is supported, simply because there are gender-separate programming things.”

With a primarily supportive client base as well, there have been very limited issues with folks being accepted and respected based on their gender expression, gender identity, and sexual identity. When there are any discrepancies in the respectful-based practice, Geckler is quick to address them.

If at any point there comes a time when someone doesn’t feel comfortable, the team at Harmony is happy to help them get

OFM culture

our admissions process; we make no assumptions based on the tenor of their voice; we don’t say, ‘Are you a man or a woman?’ We ask, ‘How do you identify your gender?’” Geckler explains. “For me, that creates an environment for someone to know that it’s a safe place, or minimally that there’s awareness at this place.”

While the campus is divided by gender, men in the Lodge building and women at the Swickard building, Geckley says that they are continuing to evolve their practices as we continue to evolve and understand gender as a community and a society at large.

The mantra “progress, not perfection” swirls through the threads of recovery. Taking steps every, single day toward the betterment of self, and giving away the gifts of recovery that have been freely bestowed upon him, impatience becomes perseverance, ego becomes humility, selfishness becomes kindness, and pain becomes rejuvenation. Geckler shares his story to not only provide hope and draw folks closer to finding the help they need, but because his home at Harmony makes the dream of living a life without suffering a reality for the queer community and beyond.

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photo by Sheila Broderick Couture

OFM drag

Cha cha romero FASHION ARTIST and ER NURSE

by Denny Patterson

T

he Colorado fashion industry is continuing to grow, and from COVID. This past year and a few months have definitely Cha Cha Romero could not be more thrilled to be a part been trying, and something I can identify with the military. of it.

How has this affected your own mental health and wellAs the creator of Vanity Dollz and Boi Femme productions, being?

Romero is well-known for creating unique fashion and Aside from having to go through this, you also have to makeup styles, entertaining burlesque performances, and maintain your personal life. A lot of things were going on in stunning, queer events. Unfortunately, her creativity had to be my personal life that I had to push aside in order to just get up put on pause. When not working on artistic projects, Romero and do what I had to do every day at work. I had to focus my is an emergency room/trauma nurse who has been working energy and redirect my energy into going to work. If anything non-stop on the frontlines of the COVID-19 pandemic. offset that, it was complete chaos for me.

The struggles and challenges due to these unprecedented When you first heard about COVID, what was going through your mind? Did you foresee us going into a global times has left Romero mentally and physically drained. pandemic?

Romero took some time to chat with OFM about working in the medical field and how she uses her creative platforms to I think the training that we get prepares us, and we knew eventually that something like this would happen. Did I think cope with her job. it was going to happen in 2020? No. Did I think it would ever You are an emergency room nurse who has been on the happen in my lifetime? I thought it may be possible. I think frontlines during COVID. From a firsthand point of view, because it hit so hard, and our own government was not can you tell us what that experience has been like? preparing us in a way they should have as far as information If I could describe it, I can say that I absolutely identify with and knowledge when it was actually taking place, I think the military going into war. I feel like we were completely workers were terrified because we were watching our own trained and prepared to handle situations, but we were not die. prepared for what was about to happen. For the supplies to We kept hearing about doctors and nurses dying in New York, run out, the amount of deaths that we have seen, the mental and we were told we should probably talk to our loved one collapse of your co-workers, or even death of your co-workers about what our wishes would be if something were to happen

4 6 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

photo provided by Cha Cha Romero

SAVING LIVES ONE SMILE AT A TIME

to us. Having that conversation with my father was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Saying this is how I would like to go; this is what I would like to have done. It was hard for him and the rest of my family to hear that, but we were all terrified with the fact that we did not have appropriate PPE equipment. We did not have proper masks; we had masks that felt like toilet paper, and I think we were just all terrified that we were not going to make it through.

You also juggle another career as the creator of Vanity Dollz and Boi Femme. What can you tell us about them?

This is more of a fashion platform, and the burlesque and performance, part of my life. I do a lot of makeup and fashion shows, then I was producing a lot of burlesque shows. That all kind of fell on Vanity Dollz. I came up with that name because I have a love for retro lifestyle from the 40s and 50s, and watching my grandmother sit at her vanity getting all dolled up is how I came up with that concept. I wanted to just empower men, women, whoever wanted to be a part of fashion, retro lifestyle, and burlesque.

Through that and over the years, I had a lot of people in the queer community come to me wanting me to produce genderfluid events. That led me to creating Boi Femme productions. I created that with my friend Ty, who is nonbinary, and we do a lot of gender-fluid events here in Colorado for Pride and other big events throughout the year.

You say you use your creative platform to cope with your job as a nurse. How so?

There are different levels of nursing. Care nurses, such as ICU nurses and emergency room nurses, tend to endure a lot more than some of the other nurses. I would probably even put hospice nurses in that because they are helping people.

So, you absorb all that energy from people who are dying or suffered tragic events in their life. Let’s just take the energy that I am holding onto and forward it into something positive and creative. That really helps offset so I can handle what I do on a day-to-day basis. Some people play guitar, some people sing, this is what I do.

To read the full interview, visit outfrontmagazine.com.

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OFM art

Master of All Mediums

4 8 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

D

rag is already a complex artform: performers are often slammed if they don’t do their own makeup, make their own costumes, choreograph and conceptualize their own numbers, and then pull it all off flawlessly. Despite the renaissance, multi-faceted requirements of the drag world, Louis Trujillo is still called to take it one step further and capture the whole thing through the medium of visual art.

“I incorporate my own gender performance into my work,” he explains. “What I mean by that is, before I create any drawing, I’m putting myself or other men, straight or gay, into female—well, what society calls female— clothing, accessories, wigs, and asking them to feel themselves in front of the camera. I do that, and I’ve also had the opportunity to do some drag performances.”

With talent and a passion for both drawing and drag, Trujillo does run into some time constraints pursuing what could be two fulltime jobs, but he does find that the two mediums are complimentary. And by incorporating the connecting medium of photography, he is able to capture the drag looks he creates for himself and others and then draw them later.

“I get to immortalize these performances and acts by creating these colored pencil drawings that will last a lifetime, and hopefully be shown in galleries and part of museum collections.”

Art provided by Louis Trujillo

Louis Trujillo

by Addison Herron-Wheeler

Having worked with many models, artists, and galleries, including the all-gay, male show Lavendar Mist, and an exhibition during Pride featuring all queer artists, Trujillo is a solidified fixture in the Denver art world. Next, he has his sights set on drag, including learning how to do his own costumes and makeup.

Trujillo’s art makes no apologies for the bold and beautiful human form, highlighting curvy, full-figured, bearded queens in all their glory.

“With my drawings, I really love to juxtapose thick beards and hairy chests with beautiful makeup, beautiful wigs, stiletto heels,” he says.

“Heels are my favorite. I feel like if I have a couple drinks, I can walk in them pretty good.”

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However, this self-love hasn’t always come so easily for Trujillo.

While he is proud and bold now, like many queer people, his early years weren’t as rosy as his present.

“Growing up LGBTQ, I really feel like a lot of LGBTQ people, we kind of experience an identity crisis,” he says. “I’ve really gone through a lot of anxiety in my life because of trauma that I went through as a young person.”

Through that struggle, Trujillo discovered art, a way to put images and concepts to his thoughts and feelings.

Next on the horizon for Trujillo, the plan is to keep putting ideas and energy into the world.

“I definitely want to keep creating my drawings,” he explains.

“And what I ultimately would love to do is, with any exhibition that I have my work in, I want to be able to perform, either at the reception or during a different day of the exhibition within the gallery space or the museum. I really want to help elevate the art of drag and gender performance because, to me, it truly is an art form. These performers are artists who are visually creating stories through their movements. I want to take these performances from the nightclubs and bring them into galleries and into museums and open them up to a whole new audience that might not usually see that type of art.”

PROUDLY SUPPORTS

Beginning in December, all LivWell locations asked customers if they’d like to round up with their purchases to support Mental Health Colorado. Our customers’ generosity resulted in raising over $50,000 to support Mental Health Colorado’s important work.

Mental Health Colorado is the state’s leading advocate for promoting mental well-being, ending shame and discrimination, and ensuring equitable access to mental health and substance use care.

www.mentalhealthcolorado.org

o ut fr o ntm a g a z in e.co m 49

photos by Marcus Maddox

OFM music

Featured clothing is a partnership with Shamir and Urbancoolab titled “Bipolar Butterfly.”

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OFM music

shamir A RAW DIAMOND, PLACED

by Veronica L. Holyfield

“A

fter my first album cycle, I had seen it all,” Shamir says.

“It was kind of a new renaissance of something that I had already been through.”

both commercial recognition and seen DIY success, and through it all, his pace of production has been relentless and unwavering.

In those few words, Shamir connects, and cuts deep. The correlation to the way the 26-year-old recording artist speaks of music is acutely parallel to the way many relate to the ebb and flow of mental health disorders. His durable resilience against the forceful infiltration of negativity that is rampant in the music industry is reminiscent of the steadfast toughness that resides in anyone who deviates from “perfect mental health.”

Reflecting back over the last year, and specifically the album cycle that surrounded Shamir, he explains how his self-titled release was a different, albeit familiar experience.

Yet, we haven’t even started to discuss that parallel. Instead, we remain close to the conversation of art, life, creativity, and self-trust.

“I think the part that made it different is I did literally everything myself: self-release, self-manage, did all the videos myself, did the photography … like, literally everything myself.

That was kind of challenging, but we stuck the landing,” Shamir explains. “I’ve always been a very DIY-or-die kind of person, but this was really put to the test.”

The low-fi, eclectic, indie-rock artist touches on his latest record, the self-titled, full-length that was released in the fall of 2020. While the music may have been surrounded by a new venture of art and creation, it was the usual beast of album rollout: a vigorous cycle of promotion, press, and performance.

“I just write all the time. It is honestly, like, yes, that’s my job, and it’s something I do, but at this point, it’s a routine because it’s one of the few things that keeps me sane. It is my only really healthy, productive release,” he says.

With a trust in himself, Shamir does what Shamir does, and that has carved out a unique space where his art morphs and contorts, shifts and changes, and shapes both current space and future direction. Yet, it hasn’t always been this way.

“I don’t have any fear within trying; I’ve never been the type of person who has fear around trying things at all, actually.

That’s why I’m such a jack of all trades. When I left my last management team, it wasn’t because of anything bad; it was because it was gonna be really hard for me to verbalize my vision, what I needed, and what I wanted. It’s much easier for me to execute,” Shamir explains.

While there may not be a fear of trying things and taking a vision and turning it into a reality, there is something innately distinctive of which this skill was born.

Shamir has truly been through the seasons of the entertainment business. He originally emerged in 2014 with the release of Northtown, a curious EP that blends his nowsignature, honeyed, and silvery vocal tonality paired with upbeat, raw, and grimy rhythms, immediately grabbing the attention of audiences and music critics.

“I think it also is honestly just, like, trauma as well because being a Black, queer, nonbinary artist, there aren’t a bunch of people bowing down at your feet trying to help you see your vision through,” he shares.

Since his debut, Shamir has released six albums, a plethora of limited-release singles and remixes, and has collaborated with mainstream and underground artists. He has also worked under a variety of record labels, management teams, and released music in every format possible. He has garnered

The queer experience is complex; it’s nuanced; it’s unique, and so is the experience of folks who experience deviations from mental health ideality. There is no one way to be, and for a person like Shamir who has developed a craft-like approach in navigating both realms of queerness and mental

“I spent a lot of time just doing things on my own because no one cares to help.”

outfrontmagazine.com 51

OFM music

doing my “ artI started just for me, for my own mental health.

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”

wellness, there has been a process in discovering what works, and the ways in which to work it.

“I am bipolar and I have to really think about my mental health and completely restructure my own life for my health. After I got diagnosed and started seeing my therapist, I realized that music is really therapeutic for me and kind of the only way I am able to work through my emotions,” Shamir says. “Naturally, I’m not really an emotional person; it’s really hard for me to verbalize and express my emotions, but it’s very easy for me to do it through my music, and through my art.”

Shamir is a prolific songwriter, and he credits that to how integral writing has been in expressing those thoughts, feelings, and emotions that he is unable to verbalize. However, the vampiric nature of the music industry commodified and exploited what once was a healthy outlet, thus putting a strain on the relationship Shamir had with his art. It no longer held therapeutic value and instead became an industry venture.

“I think coming out of that, I started doing my art just for me, for my own mental health. That rewiring and restructuring of my brain and how I approach my art, my music, and my life was very, very important to me. Had I not realized that, and started using my and my music in that way, I’m not sure where I would be,” Shamir admits.

Shamir holds nothing back; putting pen to paper, ink to canvas, frame to photograph, he makes what he needs when he needs it, and the fear of criticism is not a deterrent for the young, copious creator. It is only in working with executives and decision makers who decide what art is deemed worthy that Shamir holds issue with sharing his work.

“

IT’S ONE THING TO POSSESS SOMETHING, AND THEN IT’S ANOTHER THING TO KNOW WHAT YOU POSSESS.

OFM music

After a few short years in music, Shamir had a falling out with his management team, was dropped from his record label, and was hospitalized. This is when Shamir was given the bipolar diagnosis and had to reexamine that therapeutic and necessary connection to art.

”

“I don’t mind releasing it and having people pick it apart; at the end of the day, I got what I needed out of it. But in the process of me making said art, to have ANR, management, label, all these people picking it apart even before it’s out, potentially morphing it into something that I hadn’t even imagined it to be, then that takes more of a mental toll than me releasing something so true to me and having people rip it apart,” he says.

“This is how I wanted it, and this is how it made me feel, so you can hate it; I don't care; it wasn’t for you to begin with.”

With the 2020 release of Shamir, creating that reignited that passion for music again and was an empowering pursuit that just happened to find him a new kind of success. He considers this album to be something that awarded him his life back, and the fact that it is resonating with people is a cool, and unique, consolation prize.

Shamir exudes confidence, self-trust, awareness, empathy, and a sense of humor. Yes, he has an uncanny ability in creating art that is moving, but even more so in sharing his experience authentically, making him even more relatable. If his art is for you, then take it, and if not, then there is someone out there who is for you. Unwavering in the pursuit of health and wellbeing, Shamir now fully understands that he is only willing to leverage his art in the ways that work for him.

“I have more confidence now than I did, just because of the realization of a lot of these things.

It’s one thing to possess something, and then it’s another thing to know what you possess: it’s two different things. You can have a raw diamond rate, but do you know how to shine it? Do you know how to cut it? Do you know how to place it? That’s kind of like how I look at my confidence and my strength,” Shamir says. outfrontmagazine.com 53

OFM music

OFM NEW MUSIC This month’s must-catch new releases from the artists you already love and the musicians you need to know.

Weezer

Van Weezer

Sons of Kemet

Fatima Al Qadiri

Black to the Future

Medieval Femme

The fifteenth studio album by American rockers Weezer is an homage to the band’s influence Eddie Van Halen. The tracks feature heavy guitars and lean into an arena-rock style that is a welcoming return to the heavier sound of the veteran group.

Originally slated for a 2020 release, the album was postponed due to the ongoing COVID pandemic. Get ready for some steadfast shredding and eager riffs, which is a lean into the crowd-favorite experience. A raucous, metal-centric LP is a warm welcome to spring.

Releases May 7, 2021.

The U.K.-based, modern-jazz, super group’s sophomore release showcases harmonically elegant compositions coupled with a ferocious drive. The political themes are enveloped within the lush, African rhythms and modes that are expertly woven into Caribbean dub and Middle Eastern timbres.

Featuring vocalists such as Kojey Radical on the single “Hustle,” Black to the Future is an enticing, sonic poem of power, remembrance, and healing.

Releases May 14, 2021.

Invoking a simulated daydream through the metaphor of an Islamic garden, Qadiri is inspired by the classical poems of Arab women.

Exploring the border between depression and desire, Medieval Femme weaves a supernatural story that is of the present, past, and future. Shaded with color and subtle friction, the album dives into themes of melancholic longing and transports listeners to a place of reverie and desolation. A true crossing into celestial sorrow and celebration.

Releases May 14, 2021.

Juliana Hatfield

Lord Huron Long Lost

k.d. lang

Featuring a collection of songs that are a reaction to how seriously and negatively people have been impacted by the last four years, Hatfield has used this project as a way to be influenced by the fun of writing music. Playing off the puzzle of melodies and lyrics, Blood explores the connection between beauty and softness with darkness and depth.

Having written and recorded the album in her home in Massachusetts, she explores dark themes of modern, human psychology and behavior in the 19th studio album release.

Releases May 14, 2021.

Indie-folk quartet Lord Huron spent months alluding to the new release and have delivered a dreamy, country-Western aesthetic that proves the band is back and better than ever. Strumming guitars accompany the unique vocal crooning and harmonic melodies in Long Lost that is a signature mixture for the band. A reminiscent pining lives on in the new tracks, and time both stands still and moves fluidly throughout the album. The echo of a memory, the tracks recall times that may have been a dream, or perhaps more ...

Releases May 21, 2021.

In celebration of the soon-coming Pride Month, the LGBTQ legend will release makeover, a new collection of classic dance remixes of some of her iconic tracks. With lang’s muse being the memories of how community was built before social media and dating apps, she recalls the days of underground, dance clubs and relives that essence in the music. Connecting with a variety of producers, the memorable, hit tracks are reborn and will stand the test of time.

Releases May 28, 2021.

Blood

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makeover

St Vincent: Daddy’s Home Annie Clark, aka St Vincent, re-emerges as the embodiment of all we want served this summer: authentic, raw, rough, cutting, edgy, and honest. Queers, prepare as you are delivered a delicious dose of fierce and finely finished funk with Daddy’s Home.

OFM music

HIGH NOTE

Everything you know and love about St Vincent is not lost in the modern and complex artist’s sixth studio album.

Innovative and intriguing, the first single, “Pay Your Way in Pain,” is an arousing and fiery experience that continues to see St Vincent push boundaries of both appeal and disapproval. Evoking a lustrous albeit piercing persuasion of sex, love, and rock ‘n’ roll, nothing familiar or repetitious is to ever be expected, and Daddy’s Home is no exception.

Using her own life as inspiration, the title track of the new record is based on the experience of taking her father home from prison after nine years of incarceration. Leaning into the notion that we are all but flawed people doing our best, St Vincent abandons perfection for exposed candor, which, in this case, creates unforgettable art.

No powers of persuasion necessary, listeners will eagerly buy into all the decadence that lives within the folding layers of sonic dissonance, sugary sweetness, and steamy sections chock full of heavy guitar and euphoric melodies.

Struggling with Tinnitus? Hearing Loss? Sound Sensitivity?

Find the help you need and the relief you deserve.

DR. JULIE PRUTSMAN AU.D.

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OFM style

W

by Angel Rivera

hether it is the occasional break-out, or the mass of black-and-white heads on the tip of your nose and brow, or even a cystic nightmare, acne is a problem for everyone. Small or big breakouts can throw a wrench into anyone’s plans. They can make you feel self-conscious and like a target for unwanted comments. Despite all this, we should love the skin we inhabit because acne, though persistent, is treatable.

Be it creams, cleansers, or cure-alls, someone, somewhere has told you what you are doing wrong and what you “need” to do. I will give you a guide to “aha” ingredients and the passive mistakes we make to worsen our acne. This is by no means a holy-grail guide but a nugget-of-wisdom guide for those out of patience and in need of a change.

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The first and by far the most important thing you can do to start your skin-care journey is STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE. Pandemic or not, we spend 100 percent of our day touching a lot of things, things covered in dirt and bacteria. For the most part, it is nothing too serious, but transferring all that dirt and grime from your fingers to your face is the number-one cause of breakouts and clogged pores.

Get into the habit of hovering your fingers over your face to show someone something, or even avoiding touch all together.

And, did I mention, wearing the same, dirty mask everyday while social distancing is the same as having your fingers on your face? Do yourself the kindness of not complicating your skin’s health. Avoid touching your face, and change your mask.

Next, let’s talk about the ingredients you should look for when clearing your face. First up is niacinamide. I know you have heard it all before about how niacinamide is great for controlling hyperpigmentation, but it is also a great skin saver by helping sebum production, and it can visibly reduce the look of enlarged pores.

If you know acne, you know oily skin! Adding this into your routine during the cleansing and moisturizing stage can really save you most of the hassle that comes with oily skin. Some stellar products to try are The Ordinary Niacinamide serum or the Fenty Beauty Fat Water. Both pore-refining serums will give you a two-in-one for both acne and light pigment control.

If you are suffering from more extreme acne, then you might need products that extend beyond oil control.

A powerhouse ingredient you can use to break down oils on the skin and exfoliate dead skin cells is the one-and-only salicylic acid. She works so you don’t have to! This acid is lipophilic, meaning it loves to cling and break apart oils on and inside of the skin’s surface allowing for some top-notch acne control, and the best part is that it only works on the skin when you have oils or acne. So, it’s perfect for those emergency breakouts or prolonged pimple wars on your skin.

Some options to keep a lookout for are the Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing jelly (blue tinted) with 2 percent salicylic acid or the Lancôme Hydra Zen Moisture gel cream for tired and stressed skin. This product is particularly amazing for its moringa seed extract and rose extract to keep stressed and fatigued skin calm and collected. Or, step up your routine with the U.F.O. oil by Sunday Riley as a quick spot-fix for problem areas. The sci-fi-green color blends clear into the skin; not only is there salicylic acid, but liquorice root and chamomile for more skin-soothing and -smoothing action.

Finally, I want to remind you that all these ingredients vary based upon the products you are purchasing and should be tested on skin before use. Some treatments can be harsh for some skin types, while other acne problems are not just from dirty skin or hormones. If you have persistent problems, remember to consult with a dermatologist before use or to get you the treatment you need. Remember to stay beautiful; stay bold, and stay proud. outfrontmagazine.com 57

OFM style

Confidence in

Self-Clarity

by Angel Rivera

W

ho are you? What are you representing?

What makes you unique? What do YOU bring to the table? As spring approaches, and summer is creeping up behind it, it can be quite hard to find confidence in yourself if your body is not “beach-ready.” You should ask yourself these questions each morning before dressing yourself. Your confidence, and the finesse you bring to your outfit, make you the statement. The sun is always shining, so do not let anyone else stand in front of your sunshine. Your body is your temple and is where you are worshiped. You are the image of your own creation.

To feel like royalty, you must dress like it.

The best advice you could ever follow is, wear what you want to gain the confidence you want. Yes, wear that crop top you are too afraid to wear. YES, wear those thigh-highs to work. YES! Wear that collar in public. When you take pride in what you are wearing you look good. Now, hold that thought. Designers, silhouettes, and color theory aside, what makes fashion and style one-of-a-kind is your body.

Be it big or small, fat or skinny, thicc or slim, bodies and the skin you are in can never be replaced. You are your ultimate accessory; give credit where credit is due. If you are on the curvy side, wear that boat-neck crop top to show off the parts of your body you usually want to hide away. If you are skinny, wear those shorts or your favorite skirt to show off those long legs you might not always want to accentuate. We all have something someone else wants, and the best way to get over it is to share what we got. Do not let your fear turn to regret that you never got to serve the look you wanted, at your cousin’s wedding or an outfit you curated for a date.

Your clothes are the paint to the canvas that is your body.

Clothing is easily modified compared to your body. Take note of the size of your waist, hips, shoulders, bust, and legs, as these measurements can be punched into your favorite retailers’ website to find your perfect fit. Even more convenient is sesame ripping and resewing your 5 8 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

clothes to give you the extra room you are looking for in that dress shirt or the tight fit on those jeans that do not quite flatter your backside. Knowing your true size is imperative, as it gives you a quick and more accurate idea of how anything will fit you.

This year, don’t just do your typical spring cleaning but your spring gleaming! Who better than you knows all the curves, all the twists and the textures on your body? Who are YOU? What are YOU representing? What makes YOU unique? And what do YOU bring to the table? Give you and your body the care you deserve. Be clear and concise with yourself. You have myriad offerings to the world, but you are your own keeper.

Wear the clothes you like; wear the clothes you want to like.

The only person stopping you is YOU. Remember to stay bold, stay beautiful, and stay proud.

From Mental Health

OFM cannabis

Munchies to

If cannabis is part of your mental health journey, we see you. Whether you use cannabis to increase appetite, pep yourself up for a workout, or relax after a long day, there is something for everyone when it comes to medicating and recreating.

Caps by Cookie No, these are not psilocybin mushrooms, but they are still pretty cool.

The Clarity caps blend Lion’s Mane and Cordyceps with CBG,CBD, and energy terpenes. Bed Head blends immunity-boosting mushrooms with CBD, CBN, and a special calm terpene blend. These mushrooms won’t get you intoxicated, but they will help you heal, relax, and unwind.

Foria Foria products get you OUT of your mind and into your body. The range of products allow for lovers of all kinds—solo or partnered—to reach their deepest depths of sexual bliss. The CBD arousal oil in conjunction with the lube is the perfect combination to do so. You’ll touch, taste, and feel the excitement.

Green Dot Labs Silver Label Live Resin Cartridge You don’t have to spend a fortune to get silver-label quality with the new .5mL Silver Label Live Resin cart from Green Dot. This tasty cartridge hits harder than most, and it is free of distillate, CO2 oil, diluents, synthetic terps, and any other additives. Snag it while you can, and take the dabbing and vaping experience with you everywhere.

Pax Era Life There is a new Pax Era on the market! We were already big fans of Pax because of their sleek, subtle design and the high quality of their carts, but now, you can get the quality product in new color options including Onyx, Grass, Blaze, and Indigo. Pair with The Clinic’s vape pods, either flavored or strain-specific, for the full experience.

outfrontmagazine.com 59

D

I D V O

Embracing the Spectrum of Feeling, Existence, and Mental Health

EYON

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D N A B

C

by Keegan Williams

M

ore than a year after COVID-19 first took its grasp on our world, people are collectively talking about mental health more than ever before. Every person had to adapt long-term skills around coping with the ongoing grief and increased mental energy that comes with navigating a global pandemic.

The past 15 months is, personally, a mixed bag of reflection and often my view of the highs and lows of the tumultuous (and ongoing) period reflects my experience with dealing with my own mental health and existing as a person in the world, as a whole.

In regard to my own mental health and coping, I often reference the spectrum of emotions and events that come with being alive. We are not entitled to and simply will not experience a life filled solely with what we call ‘good’ feelings because our existence, historically, inevitably comes with it’s share of ‘bad,’ if not absolutely horrible and gut-wrenching, feelings and happenings.

Whatever iteration of, “It’s always darkest before the dawn,” or, “The bad moments are there to recognize the good ones” applies here. Our time on this planet innately is about experiencing the vast spectrum of emotions and moments.

I think about how, even through some of the worst moments of my life and the pandemic, I can usually point to the good or the positive that came out of it. Often it’s not possible to see or name this in the moment, though sometimes that

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I was part of an overworked skeleton crew through most of 2020, but it gave me extra grit, and it ultimately helped me to realize that working in the tech industry was not going to be a permanent choice for my future. While I was going through my own pandemic struggles and always recognized the validity of my own challenges, I found gratitude in what I still had: my job, my sobriety, my health, my family members.

The most monumental decision in my adult life, addressing my alcoholism and getting sober in 2018, was one of the hardest, the most confrontational, and the most isolating experiences I’ve had, but comes with all of the gratitude and foundations that serve me innately every day of my life. Those shameful experiences explored in depth while facing my alcoholism are also benchmarks for progress as I navigate my new, booze-free life.

This is not to say that moments of hardship aren’t just that: hard. What I do have now that I haven’t always is that framing, those tools so to speak, to manage them.

A lot of my mental health management revolves around mantras I first learned in AA which can benefit everyone, not just alcoholics and addicts.

One is not doubling down on negative emotions, a recurring tendency of mine in active addiction. Say, I’m feeling angry. I never want to be a participant in toxic positivity for myself or others, preaching that me or another person needs to favor and push for a positive emotion, “Just be positive,” over actually dealing with and working through the negative.

I try to give myself the space to feel the way I’m feeling, but keep myself from doubling down, feeling ‘angry about being angry,’ or ‘sad about being sad.’ When I’m feeling ready to move on, even if it’s just going from angry to slightly peeved, I also give myself the grace to do so, when that feeling is no longer serving me.

The other is the serenity prayer. This was a staple of early sobriety and reforming my coping skills, and it’s something I think about consciously and unconsciously on a daily basis. As an atheist (and recovering Catholic), I always negate the, “God,” intro salutation, but it goes, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

In essence, what’s the problem? OK, can you do something about it? OK, then do it. Can’t do anything about it? OK, then move on; there’s nothing you can do.

It’s played a crucial role in deciding how and where to apply my energy, which became even more important as I,

and so many others, found themselves exerting so much extra, day to day, during COVID. Being able to evaluate what I could actually do for certain situations versus what was truly out of my control was a crucial filter for coping during the pandemic.

OFM thoughts

duality exists innately in the same breath as I speak on a challenging, character-enriching moment in my life.

I’ve heard a lot of chatter in the past year, especially from Gen Zs and Millennials, referencing how hard a time it is to be alive right now, and yes, it is. I never want to invalidate that truth, though I also am quick to point to human history as a whole as being a “hard time to be alive.” Part of the human experience is suffering, and it’s been that way to varying degrees regardless of the time period. In 2021, we just have computers in our pockets to follow the suffering worldwide, in real time, and that’s truly never been that case until recently. It takes a toll, surely, but we can’t pretend the scope of human history hasn’t been an all around challenging, fluctuating experience.

We are forced to reckon with our lives as simultaneously challenging, rewarding, gut-wrenching, and beautiful experiences. While it doesn’t make the hardships less hard, approaching those daunting inevitabilities with openness and having a toolbelt for when they come up has ultimately helped me move forward and embrace the abundant joy and warmth that is the human experience.

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Cherry Creek Mortgage LLC, NMLS #3001.

outfrontma ga zine.com 61

OFM thoughts

A Queer in Recovery

Worthy of Mental Health

I

can remember the very last day I felt OK in my own skin, free from self-judgment and not burdened by the fear of what others thought of me. I was age 11, and I lived in a small town in the middle of California’s coastline. If I’m honest, I was crushing it at life. I had few but true friends; I was devoted to tap dance, and I was exuding confidence. I even recall for fifth grade graduation, picking out an outfit that closest resembled what Cher from Clueless would have worn, and I strutted down that grassy catwalk as though I were on the runway at Paris Fashion Week.

Shortly thereafter, my parents moved my big brother and myself to this whitewashed suburb called Highlands Ranch, where the houses were tall; the movies at Blockbuster would all be rented before a big snowstorm, and I lost every ounce of self-confidence I had possessed.

Hiding my puberty-ridden body in baggy jeans and loose flannels, I had to quickly choose between being sporty or alternative, and so the latter I became. Before emo was cool, I was surrounding my eyes with the blackest black eyeliner that would inevitably become streaks down my face as crying fits and daily panic attacks became my new normal. I had lost my childhood in an instant, and there was no going back.

Issues with mental health can be a tricky space to navigate, especially during adolescence, and especially in the 90s. The stigmas surrounding depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder were unavoidable and made it impossible for me to express what I was going through and even more impossible for my parents to hear me.

Distorted body image and disordered eating behavior went under the radar, and the need to escape became greater with each passing, agonizing day. It wasn’t until I started to self-medicate with cannabis and alcohol at age 15 that I finally found something that made the tears stop flowing, for but a brief moment in time.

The first time I considered taking my own life, I was age 16.

The highs and lows of life felt insurmountable, and no one understood what I was going through. I changed schools; I partied on the weekends, and I didn’t have any real friends. I barely scraped by with a C average in high school and quickly left upper-middle-class, white suburbia, but even changing my location didn’t prove the cure to my ailments. I was given the diagnosis of depression, borderline personality disorder, and narcolepsy all by the age of 19, and was put on my first cocktail of medications.

Nothing worked to numb the pain quite as well as alcohol, though, and I found myself as a daily drinker and off all meds by the age of 21. After a terrifying night involving a fist fight in the parking lot of my regular bar and a drive home that should have landed me in jail, I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous with my tail between my legs and a feeling of hopelessness.

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One of the benefits of alcohol is a lowering of inhibitions, and for someone who felt like an outsider with social anxiety, an “other,” alcohol worked really well. This time, though, I needed to lower my inhibitions so I could get out of my own way and ask the difficult question: was I queer? For the entirety of my 25th year, I drank every night and start Googling. I watched queer TV shows; I listened to podcasts hosted by queer people, and I researched coming-out stories. I needed alcohol to remove self-judgment, relinquish myself from guilt, and become OK with a part of myself I had repressed my entire life.

My coming out story is a bit of a mess, involving alcohol, my first same-gender sexual experience, and a DUI, but I thank alcohol in many ways for being the conduit to my queer proclamation. I drank in rare instances after that event, I met my first queer love, we married, and we relocated to Denver. I hadn’t felt the need to seek the assistance of medication until after my divorce finalized seven months after we said, “I do.”

I felt like a failure, I felt unlovable, and I felt as depressed as I had as a young person.

the mind, and all of these pieces either work for me, or against me. The one thing that is the common thread is they are deeply rooted and are revealed in my mental health. It may have been changing schools at age 11; it may have been teenage angst at age 16; it may have been my divorce at age 28; and it may have been the large amounts of alcohol I was consuming at age 34. Or, my problems at all of those stages of my life may have been a symptom of a greater issue of mental health issues that went severely un/misdiagnosed.

OFM thoughts

While I again felt like that awkward preteen sitting in those first meetings, I also found a place that accepted my failure and helped me rewrite my story as strength. I met some amazing people; I felt more and more OK with each day passing, but there was still something not right in me. I didn’t quite relate to the stories I heard in meetings; my life hadn’t become unmanageable, and I hadn’t lost everything. I was just young and lonely, I told myself; I didn’t truly believe I was an alcoholic. At age 24, I started drinking again, and by age 25 I was, again, a daily drinker. However, this time, I had an excuse. I was coming out to myself.

We are complex beings, and adaptation and resilience is a strength that is within each and every individual.

It’s work, more days than not, existing in this world; however, combining the perfect cocktail of physical wellness, mental health, and substance use (or abstinence) can make us better humans.

For me, I can now embrace that I am imperfect, and I often make mistakes, but I am learning through friends and family members who love me, the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and therapy in tandem with medication, that I am worth the work. My hope for you is that you, too, know you’re worthy of a beautiful life and that you feel empowered enough to seek the help you need and do the hard work that will save and give you back your life.

-An anonymous queer in recovery Follow @queer.in.recovery on Instagram, or email a.queer.in.recovery@gmail.com for additional support and resources.

The second time I considered taking my own life, I was age 28.

As I learned, antidepressants now cause in me an increase in suicidal thinking, and while I wasn’t a happy person, I knew these foreign thoughts of self-harm were not my own.

I immediately stopped the medication, took myself to a safe place, and after a short while, my life was back on track.

Over the course of the next four years, I teetered in and out of sobriety, and I remained steadfast in keeping my distance from medication. I knew it worked for some folks, but it just didn’t seem to work for me, and I wasn’t willing to risk a bad experience again like I did when I was 28.

The third time I considered taking my own life, I was age 34.

My drinking had skyrocketed to not just daily, but all day, every day. I was hopeless, yet again, felt like a failure, yet again, and I had everything to lose and no willpower to stop it from happening. By the grace of a power greater than me and with the help of a family intervention, I was finally ready to admit I was an alcoholic and went to inpatient treatment. It was in that place that I became honest about everything, found the benefit of trauma therapy, and stabilized with medication.

Since leaving treatment, I have been diagnosed as bipolar II and have been working closely with a psychiatrist who listens and understands, takes my addiction seriously, and has “zero tolerance for side effects.”

While my recovery isn’t easy, and my journey with medications hasn’t been perfect, I now understand that I have a disease of outfrontmagazine.com 63

OFM lust

The Risk it Takes to

Bloom

by Amanda E.K.

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O

n c e you’ve acknowledged and started to own your true gender identity, your relationship to self-pleasure changes. The body parts you have— the genitals you have—somehow feel incorrect. Or if not incorrect, they feel … misplaced. It can feel like the parts you should have are missing, or are invisible. But you feel them. Like a phantom limb after amputation.

There was a year-long period when I couldn’t bring myself to go on a date, or to take a lover, not even a one night stand. The more I understood my gender-fluidity, I knew that I needed to focus on myself for a while. To learn to love myself, and what me felt and looked like.

As a female-bodied person who often feels like a boy, I decided during my year alone that it was time to explore the world of sex toys. I’d had a vibrator since college, but the shapes, materials, and sex-positive options had changed so much in the 10 years since I graduated. You could now walk down the street and see harnesses in storefronts in my mid-sized Midwestern town. This openness was equally intimidating and encouraging.

On a Monday morning, when I figured few people would be out shopping for things like dildos, I visited the local sex shop, Sophelia’s Boutique. I felt shy, exposed. With only one other person in the store, I felt like the shopkeeper’s eyes were following me. My cheeks flushed red and I kept my eyes lowered to the shelves. It’s OK, I coached myself.

No need to be shy in this place.

Purchasing these items in person was part of

me that I’d been seeking for several years—exploring their curves, solidity and flexibility. Taking in the realistic, veiny texture of the strap-on, the weight of the flesh-toned packer.

I put on a Spotify playlist for getting in the mood and lay down on my bed, running my hands over my stomach, chest, thighs—thanking my skin for each nuanced sensation of pleasure. I reached for the lubricant beside my bed and massaged myself to heighten my arousal, then massaged the insertable bulb of the strapless strap-on and slowly slid it inside of me.

With the exposed end of the dildo emerging from my pelvis, I gasped in awe at seeing myself for the first time with something I’d imagined countless times before and never dreamed could be a reality: my own erection.

OFM lust

It took a minute to realize my embarrassment was fueled by shame. Despite my personal value of openness, the Midwestern ethic of keeping sexual expression behind closed doors stuck in my brain. It was a constant effort to remind myself that sex was good. Sex was healthy. And that all body types deserved pleasure and representation. And that my body—though I tried to deny and ignore it for years—was not a typical body, in the sense that it didn’t fit a strictly masculine or feminine appearance.

During ovulation and menstruation, my body felt intensely, almost obscenely female. This was the part that often felt incorrect. Incorrect because I could not control my masculine expression on those days. Even if I tried, my body seemed to laugh at me for doing so.

During my year alone I decided to experiment during my luteal phase with dressing up in full makeup, dresses, skirts, tights, and heels, as a way to lean into the madness of my body. On the days right after bleeding, I’d go without makeup or accessories of any kind, wearing t-shirts, baseball caps, and straight-legged jeans. The few days each month when my menstrual cycle didn’t dictate my moods felt the freest.

They were the days when I felt most in control of my fluidity.

Not only did I abstain from sex during that year, but I hardly saw my friends. I needed to know who me was before re-entering the world as that person. Whether that was necessary or not, it felt right for me.

After nearly an hour in Sophelia’s Boutique, where I took in all the options available to validate and honor gender-fluid bodies, I selected a realistic-looking, strapless, strap-on dildo, a flesh-toned packer that I could wear inside my underwear anytime I liked—even while bleeding—and a mini bullet vibrator to go with both.

With a deep breath to calm my anxieties, I set the toys on the checkout counter. I half-expected a quizzical look from the cashier, but I chose not to care.

As I gripped and stroked my solid cock, ripples of pleasure shot through me as though the appendage were truly my own.

I took my time, basking in the ownership of my body—its fluidity. Its varieties of pleasure and expression. Its electric field and its honesty. The body never lies. It’s just that we often try to deny its truth. But when I chose to listen to it, it in turn rewarded me with one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had. And not just one, but one after another after another.

As I lie spent and glistening with sweat against my pillows, I thanked the fluidity of my body. For the masculine expression of an erection and the feminine joy of multiple orgasms. And in my head, I thanked the sex toy industry for its embodiment of sex positivity and the self-love that it inspires in people of all body types and genders.

the process of healing my shame.

“We just got these in a month ago,” said the cashier with a friendly smile as she handled the strapless strap-on. “They’re so popular; we can barely keep them in stock. The design is super comfortable, and it’s made from a medical grade silicone that’s body-safe. I think you’ll really like it.”

I couldn’t help but smile. This stranger in the boutique had just normalized something for me that I’d never allowed myself to normalize. Something that was, in fact, perfectly normal. It was normal to explore both your masculine and feminine sides. It was normal to imagine yourself with body parts you weren’t born with.

And here it was in front of me: the tangible opportunity to explore and validate those desires. I thanked the cashier and left the shop feeling lighter than when I’d come in.

At home, I gently washed and dried my new toys, then lay them on my bed, caressing each one as though a lover—or, more accurately, as though they were the missing parts of

Be your sexy self.

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Mental Health

OFM lust

Masturbation and

We love love, but you don’t have to be partnered up to enjoy some sexual healing. One of the toughest things during this pandemic has been the lack of physical contact, and if you’re stuck solo, or want to spice things up with your partner or partners, we’ve got some awesome products for you.

Calexotics Marvelous Bunny Calexotics Marvelous Bunny is extremely powerful! It has many speed and pulse options, and even the lowest vibration is powerful enough for a quick fix. For those less sensitive down there, you will have no trouble reaching climax with this massager. Great for foreplay as well.

Personal Fav Lubricant A sensuous sex serum that excites the senses, Personal Fav addresses many of the common issues people experience when picking a personal lubricant.

Messiness and texture will be the last thing on your mind when using Personal Fav for your more personal moments. Pair that with its sleek bottle design and natural formula, and Personal Fav certainly could become just that.

When all of these things come together, Personal Fav is definitely a lubricant to get behind.

The Sona Sonic Clitoral Massager This is unlike anything I’ve ever played with before and is absolutely my new favorite toy! Simply place the little hole directly onto your “love button,” choose from many pulse and vibration sensations, and await the natural progression to a mind-blowing orgasm. I used to think that only a talented tongue could give me the ultimate climb to an exhilarating climax, but this innovative tool has rivaled even my best lovers.

6 6 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

Fusion Strap-On Dildo The design of this unique and ergonomic sex toy is enjoyable for both the wearer and the receiver. The base design provides folks with vaginas clitoral stimulation while providing their partner internal pleasure; the Wet for Her strapon, stimulation design really is fun for all! The silky, soft touch and the slender purple aesthetic makes this dildo sleek and easy to use, even for the strap-on shy.

Gummy Ball Vibrator This vibrator is all kinds of fun—tiny, malleable, and can fit almost anywhere. The gummy material gives it a texture that mimics human contact, and the vibrating pulse sections leave nothing to be desired. Just be careful not to drop it, and make sure to clean it carefully, as the gummy texture can also attract dirt.

Pillow Talk Cheeky Wand If you’re looking for an aesthetic vibrator that calls to mind kinky sleepovers and lesbian bliss, look no further than the Pillow Talk Cheeky Wand. This gorgeous, classic vibrator still works just as well as the sleek, newer versions, but the shape and style does pose some challenges to play.

Overall, unless you’re ready for a larger vibrator, the Cheeky Wand works best for external stimulation.

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OFM thoughts

American Queer Life

by Rick Kitzman

It’s been a tough year with lots of worries.

QUIRKS: I worry I won’t get my spring cleaning finished until September … 2022.

That I never write my novel, but if I do it’s a flop, but if it’s successful then I don’t sell the movie rights, but if I do sell them, Matt Bomer refuses to play me, and Danny Devito doesn’t.

That my teeth rot and fall out from eating so many sweets, preventing me from eating solid food. But that might take care of weight gained since quitting smoking.

I worry I will start smoking again.

That my laptop crashes and I will be forced to go for a walk … outside … in a park … breathing fresh air … in sunshine.

I worry about money. That’s it. All inclusive, like a honeymoon resort.

POLITICS: I worry that the idiots who bitch about socialism won’t get it when they accept their $1,400 checks, the munificent largesse from their new president, who should have signed them.

I worry that Ted Cruz/Josh Hawley win the 2024 election.

Or worse: the Lauren Boebert/Marjorie Taylor Greene ticket wins the 2024 election.

I worry there’s more testosterone in a dickless nunnery than when both houses of Congress are in session.

I worry when republicans enter the Capitol they leave behind (along with their guns) their brains, spines, and testicles … well, the men. Not sure what else the women leave.

I worry Mar-a-lago will become like Vatican City, with its own pope, stamps, currency, border wall, nuclear weapons, and am pissed our tax money will pay for it.

7 0 OFM M A Y 2 0 2 1

I worry that my queer eBay treasures will languish in boxes, and I never reap the vast fortune upon which I planned to augment my retirement.

That the acronym LGBTQIA+ is getting out of hand.

That thinking the above, I’ll be canceled.

I worry I’m not worried about being canceled.

I worry I have zero-interest in the Oscars this year because Glenn Close will lose for the eighth time, and there won’t be any glitz or glamour due to that pandemic thing.

THAT PANDEMIC THING: I worry grocery stores run out of baking chocolate. Last summer, I had to make due with Hostess Suzy Q’s (not to be confused with Suzy Quatro).

I worry grocery stores run out of Hostess Suzy Q’s.

I’ve had both vaccine shots, but I worry how safe is safe enough.

That 80 percent of republicans are refusing the vaccine.

And why health and human services haven’t produced public announcements showing Trump getting shot so his minions would get shot … with vaccines.

ALL OF WHICH MAKES ME WONDER: If my first-world worries are meaningless.

What I would do if I heard gunshots while grocery shopping.

If life really is a reality show that can be cancelled any second.

That if I live in the Looniverse, there’s no way out except by dying. (I need to get cracking on my PowerPoint show.)

QUEER THINGS: And I worry the new normal becomes I worry the Equality Act will not be the same old shit, so I’ll bake a pie, and ratified and languish for decades like as long as that’s part of the new normal, the Equal Rights Amendment.

I’ll be OK. I’ll be OK. That democrats will continue to ignore white working people, the oil and gas industries, farmers, and agriculture to its detriment.

That the above statement will get me stoned with Antifa rocks, but if Antifa is a fake conspiracy theory, I have no worry.

I worry conspiracy theories are true.

And I really worry history will repeat itself: Trump is re-elected resulting in the second Big Bang.

KARMA: I worry karma doesn’t exist.

And that those who voted to overturn the 2020 election results will go unpunished and will be re-elected and rewarded.

And that Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Fox Fake News, and the pillow guy get away with the accusations they made about election fraud.

I worry the insurrectionists get away with treason and are viewed as patriots.

That the January 6 takeover of the Capitol augurs America’s future.

I worry my born-again-Christian, asshole, hypocrite, bigoted, racist, cheating, thieving, adulterer brother will get away with not paying me back the money he stole from me.

I worry karma does exist, and mine is going to suck big time.

I worry I won’t get my PowerPoint show of photos ready in time for my funeral.

And that there really isn’t a big disco in the afterlife where I as deejay play all my favorite disco tunes with flawless mixes to a ginormous, cheering crowd of heavenly, gay men.

outfrontmagazine.com 71

OFM

BAR TAB | Colorado Nightlife

BENNY’S 301 E. 7th Ave. Denver (303) 894-0748 bennysmexican.com

HAMBURGER MARY’S 1336 E. 17th Ave. Denver (303) 993-5812 hamburgermarys.com/denver

THE TRIANGLE BAR 2036 N. Broadway St. Denver (303) 658-0913 triangledenver.com

BLUSH & BLU 1526 E. Colfax Ave. Denver (303) 484-8548 bluebludenver.com

ICONS 3 E. Bijou St. Colorado Springs (719) 300-7863 Instagram- @icons_colorado

STONEY’S UPTOWN JOINT 1035 E. 17th Ave. Denver (720) 485-5503 stoneysuptown.com

BOYZTOWN

LI’L DEVILS

WILD CORGI PUB

117 Broadway St. Denver (303) 722-7373 boyztowndenver.com

255 S. Broadway St. Denver (303) 733-1156 Facebook- @lildevilslounge

1223 E. 13th Ave. Denver (303) 832-7636 wildcorgipub.com

CHARLIE DWELLINGTON’S 1103 N. 1st St. Grand Junction (970) 241-4010 charliedwellingtons.com

LIPSTICK DISCOTEQUE 5660 W. Colfax Ave. Denver (720) 669-3470 Facebook- @lipstickdiscoteque

X BAR 829 E. Colfax Ave. Denver (303) 832-2687 xbardenver.com

CHARLIE’S NIGHTCLUB

MILLERS & ROSSI

#VYBE

900 E. Colfax Ave. Denver (303) 839-8890 charliesdenver.com

3452 Walnut St. Denver (720) 257-5342 millersandrossi.com

1027 N. Broadway St. Denver (720) 573-8886 303vybe.com TRACKS

CLUB Q

PRIDE AND SWAGGER 450 E. 17th Ave. #110 Denver (720) 476-6360 Facebook- @prideandswaggerco

ST .M

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COLFAX AVE.

PRIDE & SWAGGER

31ST AVE.

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HAMBURGER MARY’S

STONEY'S XBAR

VD BL .

PENNSYLVANIA

1ST AVE.

BROADWAY

COMPOUND BOYZTOWN

DADDY’S BAR & GRILL

R+R DENVER

R

8TH AVE. DENVER 6TH AVE. SWEET

GLADYS TRADE

BLUSH & BLU

11TH AVE. VYBE

LI’L DEVILS

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17TH AVE.

.W

.

ST

CHARLIE’S

TRADE 475 Santa Fe Dr. Denver (720) 627-5905 Facebook- @tradedenver

AV E

TRIANGLE

EE

SANTA FE DR. KALAMATH ST.

GLADYS 500 Santa Fe Dr. Denver (303) 893-6112 Facebook - @gladysdenver

H

SP

4501 E. Virginia Ave. Glendale (303) 388-8889 Facebook- @elpotreroclub

16 T

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YORK ST.

TRACKS 3500 Walnut St. Denver (303) 836-7326 tracksdenver.com

CLOCKTOWER

PA R

AH AP

OGDEN ST.

EL POTRERO

AR

.

ST

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CLARKSON ST.

4958 E. Colfax Ave. Denver (303) 320-9337 Facebook- @randrdenver

U LN

WASHINGTON ST.

776 N. Lincoln St. Denver (720) 598-5648 denversweet.com

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.

ST

COLORADO BLVD.

R&R LOUNGE

W

BROADWAY

DENVER SWEET

KE

DOWNING ST.

3430 N. Academy Blvd.

Colorado Springs (719) 570-1429 clubqonline.com

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MILLERS & ROSSI