2009-12-01 outlook:columbus by Outlook Media, Inc

outlook dec 2009 • vol 14 issue 7

inside: snapshot NYL’s Joel Field homelessness New Creation MCC Savage Love Gift Guides Dusti Hymen pin-up Club D & Center Stage Players Nina Flowers INterview & Local celebrity Chad Paul Frye

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dec 2009

Does anyone else miss the time when the strippers could be naked in this town?

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a cover by any other photo and a ho ho homo... Hey everyone. Welcome to our Homo for the Holidays issue of outlook: columbus. Inside you’ll find articles on drinking, exclusion and consumerism - all things that make the holiday season grand! Now usually in our end-of-the-year edition we do a preview/review of all the wonderful things that have happened that year and all the things to look forward to in the next. This year, however, blew (not in a good way), and as of press time continues to be a challenge and in fact may just be trying to kill me. Let’s just say I’m tired of people dying, almost dying, getting fired, getting restructured, breaking hearts, breaking hands, breaking the bank, breaking into things that aren’t theirs and just being douche bags. I’m tired of things burning down, flooding over, losing their funding, losing their financing, being blown out of proportion, being underreported and being taken away. Basically, I’m just plain tired. All that being said, I’m foregoing the review - I’m not that much of a masochist - and since outlook knows better than to predict how well things will go, especially during production week, I’m also staying clear of the preview. Let’s just all agree to keep our fingers and toes crossed that 2010 is going to turn the beat around. Where is Gloria Estefan these days, anyways? One thing I will talk about from this year is outlook’s change in format to a monthly, only because I want to address some chatter about our cover imagery. A recent group of Facebook postings (see page 6) asked, “Why does every issue of this magazine have to have gay guys shirtless, or tattooed, or looking for hookups??? Is it the shock that makes it for you? What about the average gay guy walking into his office or practice with a shirt and tie and living day to day outside of the Short North? This is turning to flashy garbage! Sorry. It’s my opinion.”

those affected by the disease fear wasting and the politics of perception. It also gives a nod to sexting, pictures we all seem to have of ourselves on our phone, meeting or rejecting people via current popular social networking sites and our community’s constant struggle with body image. It wasn’t a hot guy just to have a hot guy… that was just a bonus. And on a final note, Michael had originally requested to interview Elaine Roberts, the out President and CEO of the Columbus Regional Airport Authority on holiday travel and goings-on at CMH for Open Kimono. The request was declined. After a somewhat uncomfortable phone conversation, David Whitaker, Vice President for Business Development and Communications replied to us, “We evaluated your request for Elaine to be interviewed in Outlook and our response is that we do not feel that Outlook is the right venue for CRAA given we are a neutral, apolitical governmental organization which does not match, in our opinion, Outlook’s editorial style and content.” They offered to make Elaine available to speak at Network Columbus and we have declined that offer. If our print publication is not a good venue via which to reach our community, then neither is our networking organization. We are sorely disappointed in Roberts, and are compelled to point out that we have never been turned down for an Open Kimono interview by any other public figure. Michael has interviewed the Secretary of State, the County Coroner, a County Commissioner, the Probate Judge, the Chief of Police, a Municipal Court Judge, the head of Columbus Public Health, and a high school principal. None of them even blinked when we asked to sit with them and chat. We find it ironic that the only time our request for interview has been denied is by an openly-gay leader. Really? Happy holidays to you and yours. Enjoy the issue! I’m going to nap. Chris Hayes, Co-Publisher

Now I know our readers are smarter than that comment implies. You all get that the imagery on the cover correlates with the content of that issue and in fact is a commentary itself. Most of you, dare I say, actually read the paper and know that the images within are directly relevant to the content they are placed with. Claiming outlook is gratuitous is only a reflection of the ignorance of the person making the statement and a bright red flashing indicator to the fact the person has, at best, but glanced at the magazine. It’s also just insulting and as reductive as calling all black people lazy, Jews cheap and gays sissies. But in the spirit of covering our bases, I figured I’d give some stats and reasoning. As pictures go (sans ads) in the 8 issues we’ve produced, we’ve had a total of 10 torsos (1 cover, 2 in fashion spreads, 3 press photos for movie/music, 3 in a trans art piece, and 1 in Insightout regarding body image), 1 silhouetted butt in an article about anal pap smears, 1 back in an article about a play about a go-go boy, and 1 set of boobs in our calendar featuring the performance artist Gendala whose art is a reflection of her male and female duality. All relative and relevant. The cover images are up-close observations and personal moments of our humanity, of our existence that never get represented in modern media. They are meant to get a reaction out of you, get you to pick up the paper, think and perhaps have a conversation about it. They are never gratuitous for gratuitous sake. So far we’ve had a guy on phone, two men kissing, woman’s feet in bathroom stall, girl eating crow, dinosaur skull, scary woman, male taking photo of self in mirror, and dog peeing on snowwoman. It’s been a balanced number of men, women and animals. As for the reasoning behind the images, I could write a page on each one (and I will once our new website is up), but they are something for you to explore. Find your own truth in them. Read that magazine and see if you can get how they relate. Some of you have and your comments to us reflect that. Thanks for thinking! I will say, just so it’s clear, that the cover from last month’s Salubrious Issue was a statement on how we in the GLBT community view our health. How, as world AIDS day is upon us, we perceive a healthy body image, how

outlook columbus is published and distributed by Outlook Media, Inc. the first day of each month throughout Ohio. outlook columbus is a free publication provided solely for the use of our readers. Any person who willfully or knowingly obtains or exerts unauthorized control over more than 5 copies of any issue outlook columbus with the intent to prevent other individuals from reading it shall be considered guilty of the crime of theft. Violators will be prosecuted. The views expressed in outlook columbus are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the views, policies, or personal, business, or professional practices of Outlook Media, Inc. or its staff, ownership, or management.

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you are here

small pond

fashion forward

snapshot

gayatri

food drama!

letters & posts

q-munity

insightout

23 frames per second

commom life

pull out

creative class

interview

savage love

22 complete the circuit 42 deep inside hollywood

gaily fwd >

gay agenda about town feature: homo for the holidays feature: holiday safety

eartholpolis

feature: gift guide

local celebrity

open kimono

music is the answer

astro forecast

12 from queer to eternity 29

outlook columbus does not guarantee the accuracy, completeness or reliability of any interpretation, advice, opinion, or view presented. Outlook Media, Inc. does not investigate or accept responsibility for claims made in any advertisement. Outlook Media, Inc. assumes no responsibility for claims arising in connection with products and services advertised herein, nor for the content of, or reply to, any advertisement. All material is copyrighted ©2009 by Outlook Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

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dec 2009

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NETWORK COLUMBUS NOVEMBER 11, 2009

all hail mike brown!

molly is a clint licker!

merri was Quite merry

chad’s chest needed some fresh air

NETWORK COLUMBUS NOVEMBER 11, 2009

sandwiches & investments

remi relax, no one is stealing the food

three’s company with uncle fester

i snagged this little number on sale at macy’s

NETWORK COLUMBUS NOVEMBER 11, 2009

G2H2 NOVEMBER 13, 2009

yay for veterans day networking

beer guy failed to elude being photographed.

hey you! ya you black shirt! turn around!

not aware that they were being photographed.

GOHI MARKER DAYTON

MARY ANN BRANDT LEVEL

banner was more important than the speaker?

why the sex segregation in this photo?

remember that movie “hocus pocus”?

genie out of the bottle.

dec 2009

For more photos and smarmy taglines, visit www.outlookcolumbus.com/snapshot.html

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Reduce, reuse, recycle. Cartridges do not belong in landfills.

dec 2009

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GET BEHIND CAP & TRADE LEGISLATION To the Editor, While many Republicans are predicting an increase in energy costs if we pass the cap and trade legislation, they are missing the big picture. In fact, the legislation will save exponentially more money than it will cost, as was seen with the 1990 Clean Air Act Amendments. Predicted to cost $5.7 billion, the 1990 Clean Air Act Amendments, which used a cap and trade market system, turned out to cost just $1.6 billion to cut more than 4 million tons of sulfur dioxide. But savings in health care costs were found to be as much as $70 billion dollars, according to a 2003 EPA study. That is a savings of 43 dollars for every dollar spent. With many scientists warning that climate change threatens the lives of billions of people this century, and could accelerate out of control unless we cap and reduce emissions very fast, the savings will likely be vastly greater with investments in reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Many larger cities in the United States have unsafe air pollution that is increasing with the temperatures that are a precursor to smog. By switching from dirty coal to clean solar and wind energy, air pollution will be reduced significantly. Burning coal kills an estimated 24,000 people each year in the United States from particulate air pollution according to the American Lung Association. This is equivalent to eight September 11, 2001 terrorist attack deaths every year. But these people are separated around the country, dying in hospital wards along with an estimated 38,200 non-fatal heart attack victims and 554,000 asthma sufferers whose illness was caused by burning coal, according to the American Lung Association. People do not see the deaths in one dramatic event, and are not mobilized to action as happened with the September 11 attacks. But they are real, as is the threat of climate change to our national security that prompted the U.S. Pentagon to call global warming a greater risk to national security than terrorism in a 2004 report. And that is just burning coal. The cap and trade legislation will also reduce the burning of oil, and cut down on the 700 billion dollars that we spend every year to buy petroleum from other countries. Electric cars and trains charged with solar and wind generated energy will be pollution-free. Having seen the impacts of climate change in the Arctic, and studied the horrific predictions if we continue on our current path, I implore citizens to get behind the cap and trade legislation. The science proving climate change is the most documented of any issue in history. We must take action, before it is too late. Chad Kister Nelsonville, Ohio Kister is the Author of Arctic Quest: Odyssey Through a Threatened Wilderness; Arctic Melting: How Climate Change is Destroying One of the World’s Largest Wilderness Areas and Against All Odds: The Struggle to Save The Ridges. He is also the producer of the 2006 film, Caribou People. Kister’s fourth book, Arctic Screaming is coming out soon, and he is at work on his fifth book about his adventures through the Tongass National Forest: America’s largest old growth forest that is under assault.

OWNERS AND PUBLISHERS Michael Daniels & Christopher Hayes HEADQUARTERS Outlook Media, Inc. 815 N High St, S BSMT STE ii Columbus, OH 43215 614.268.8525 phone 614.261.8200 fax www.outlookmedia.com

dec 2009

ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Michael Daniels: mdaniels@outlookmedia.com

ADVERTISING DEADLINE Reservations by the 15th of each month. Art in by the 20th.

ADVERTISING ACCOUNT REPS

SUBSCRIPTIONS & DISTRIBUTION Call 614.268.8525

Remi Allen: rallen@outlookmedia.com Mary Malone:mmalone@outlookmedia.com Chad Frye: cfrye@outlookmedia.com

NATIONAL ADVERTISING Rivendell Media - 212.242.6863

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF & ART DIRECTOR Christopher Hayes hayes@outlookmedia.com

Facebook Comments Kevin M Pica: Why does every issue of this magazine have to have gay guys shirtless, or tatooed, or looking for hookups??? Is it the shock that makes it for you? What about the average gay guy walking into his office or practice with a shirt and tie and living day to day outside of the Short North? This is turning to flashy garbage! Sorry. It’s my opinion. Todd Popp: I agree - young, cute, gay - that’s all well and good but what about mature, settled and established. There’s room for everyone in our community and those of us who have ‘gone-before’ have paved the way for the kids of today. John D. Baumgardner: I could not agree more. Mainstream society has a compelling argument with such images gracing the covers of many gay magazines ... it makes all of us seem like we’re just hedonistic “man whores” who can only embrace things pertaining to sex ... and that is NOT representative of myself as a whole! Matthew Park: Umm, let’s be fair here. I just looked at this mag’s website and covers of previous issues, and this is the first shirtless cover yet since going monthly. However, I do agree with the point about some gay publications covers representing gay guys as “hedonistic man whores.” Scott Schopper: My first impression of the image was - This is Outlook’s commentary on all the ‘profile’ pictures one sees posted/highlighted on the various gay social sites (even some here on Facebook). Every previous cover shot has been a high quality/studio/photoshopped image, whereas this image was taken with a small camera in a bathroom mirror. Now if next ... Read Moremonth is a muscular Santa holding a suggestive north pole or big bag of tricks, then we might see a pattern. That said, I still love the Pride and Halloween covers the best. Michael Daniels: Thanks, Matthew. Since going monthly, we’ve had covers as follows: guy on phone, two guys kissing (pride), woman’s foot in bathroom stall, female model with gloves and feathers, female horror victim, and this one. So Kevin, not every cover is shirtless tattooed hookups. This particular issue is about health, and we cover issues of AIDS, safe sex, ... Read Morebody image, etc. We chose this image, of a guy photographing himself in his bathroom mirror, to convey all those things... 90% or more of what’s in outlook isn’t about gay sex or hooking up. We appreciate reader feedback, and even moreso when you look through the magazine and comment on our content, not jump to conclusions based on one cover and start using phrases like “every issue.” Thanks to you all for reading! Zach Reau: i’ve been impressed with the cover shots since the mag went monthly. all have been representative of each particular issue and have been creative beyond the scope of any of Columbus’ other free papers. Kudos

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Jennifer Vanasco, Elliot Fishman, Regina Sewell, Paul Saltz, Gregg Shapiro, Romeo San Vicente, Jack Fertig, Simon Sheppard, Dan Savage, Marcus Morris, Deb Steele, Mette Bach, Benji Michalek, Michael Daniels, Chris Hayes, Mathew Arnold, Adam Lippe, Annette Prue, Mikey Rox, Mickey Weems

CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Danner-Morris, Robert Trautman, Andrea Haley, Jackie Weisberg Cover photo: Jackie Weisberg INTERNS Dominic Presutto

Write us today at editor@outlookmedia.com or on facebook: outlook media!

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Cold beer + hot boyfriend = Happy Holidays!

dec 2009

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dec 2009

Champagne is made in the Champagne region of France. Lady Chablis is not.

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CGMC Continues Holiday Tradition by Matthew Arnold The Columbus Gay Men’s Chorus (CGMC) celebrates 20 seasons of song as we begin performances with Joy! 0ur Holiday Tradition this December. In addition, we’ll celebrate our tenth season at King Avenue United Methodist Church, one of the most welcoming sacred spaces in central Ohio. These milestones and historical achievements are not the only items of note for our upcoming performances, however. We are pleased to present Christmas by the Hearth, an original composition by CGMC’s Assistant Artistic Director, Tim Sarsany. This moving piece chronicles stories from the American Civil War, utilizing several letters written during the holidays in the midst of war. Taking a few moments to step back in time, CGCM will showcase the challenges of civil war in our country and how individuals were impacted by it.

to the fullest extent of the law, but we also need to get at the roots. When we don’t know each other as human beings, ignorance breeds misunderstanding, which breeds hate, which too often this year led to violence. We have to keep fighting the prejudices and stereotypes that underlie these acts.” On October 28, President Barack Obama signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act into law. The new law gives the Justice Department the power to investigate and prosecute bias-motivated violence by providing the Justice Department with jurisdiction over crimes of violence where a perpetrator has selected a victim because of the victim’s actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. In addition, it provides the Justice Department with the ability to aid state and local jurisdictions with investigations and prosecutions of biasmotivated crimes of violence.

The new law also authorizes the Justice Department to provide grants to state and local communities to cover the extraordinary expenses associated with the investigation and prosecution of hate crimes. Moreover, it authorizes the provision of grants for local programs to combat hate crimes committed by juveniles, Finally, the Columbus Gay Men’s Chorus will sing all of your holi- including programs that train local law enforcement officers in identifying, investigating, prosecuting and preventing hate day favorites, including White Christmas, God Rest Ye Merry crimes. Gentlemen, Silent Night, as well as contemporary songs like Hard Candy Christmas, Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy, and so The data comes just days after the LGBT community mourned on much more! Transgender Day of Remembrance – honoring the memories of those lost in hate crimes motivated by gender identity bias. While The Joy! concert is an important opportunity for CGMC and the GLBT community in Columbus and central Ohio. Through beauti- current data does not track crimes based on gender or gender identity, the new hate crimes law requires the FBI to track statisful music and heartfelt performances, we continue to break down barriers and give a face to the gay community in a peace- tics on these incidents. ful setting. In addition to our 10th season at King Avenue United The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes PrevenMethodist Church, we will take Joy! on the road to Lord of Life tion Act honors the memory of Matthew Shepard, a Wyoming colLutheran Church in Worthington for the third consecutive year, and to Powell United Methodist Church for the first time! These lege student brutally murdered in an act of hate violence in outreach opportunities help us to reach new audiences and bring 1998, and James Byrd, an African-American man who was our mission of Voices Raised, Lives Changed to patrons all over dragged to death in Jasper, Texas, in 1998. For a comprehensive retrospective and historical overview of hate crimes advocacy central Ohio. visit: www.LoveConquersHate.org. Join us for a warm setting in one of these churches, listen to the beautiful music by all three ensembles within the Columbus Gay Human Rights Campaign Encourages Men’s Chorus, and hear the stories that only CGMC can tell. FiConsumers to “Support Those That Support nally, have a safe and happy holiday season! Equally powerful will be another Tim Sarsany original composition, entitled Solstice. This four-movement piece celebrates Native American culture in the United States and adds a unique perspective to the December holiday celebrations.

Us” with Buying for Equality in 2010

FBI Reports 11 Percent Increase in Victims of Hate Crimes Based on Sexual Orientation in 2008

In time to kick off the holiday shopping season HRC released a guide to hundreds of popular American brands rated on businesses’ treatment of LGBT employees. “Buying for Equality 2010” divides businesses and their consumer products into red, yellow and green categories based on their score on the HRC The Federal Bureau of Investigation recent report showed the Foundation’s Corporate Equality Index, a nationally recognized number of victims of bias-motivated crimes based on sexual ori- benchmark of LGBT inclusion. The guide is available for downentation increased by 11 percent in 2008. The statistics show load and viewing online at www.hrc.org/BuyersGuide. that reported hate crimes against the LGBT community have increased for the third year in a row. Hate crimes based on sexual The LGBT community is estimated to have $712 billion in buying orientation remain the third most common type of hate crimes, power this year, according to research by Witeck-Combs Commubehind race and religion. nications and Marketresearch.com. A recent study by WiteckCombs/Harris Interactive also found that 78 percent of LGBT “These numbers are unacceptable. While it is so important that people are extremely or very likely to consider brands that are we have the new federal hate crimes law, it is critical to ensure known to provide equal workplace benefits for their employees, that we continue working with the Department of Justice to enincluding LGBT workers. sure the safety of LGBT citizens,” said Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese. “We have to prosecute each hate crime Fair-minded consumers are encouraged to write to businesses to

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either thank them for their support, ask them to revise their policies, or encourage them to participate in the Corporate Equality Index. More information can be found at www.hrc.org/ConsumerAdvocacy.

DC Agenda Launches The Washington Blade, formerly the nation’s oldest lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) newspaper, died on Monday, November 16 at 9:30a. The 40-year-old paper ceased operation under the weight of its parent company’s financial problems. Window Media’s financial condition and the exact reasons for closing the Washington Blade remain unclear. No statement has been issued by the former executives from Atlanta, Miami or New York regarding how the decision to abruptly shut down the publication was made. 17 former employees vowed to not miss a week’s production of Washington DC’s LGBTQ news weekly and delivered on that promise. On November 20, the DC Agenda hit the streets. As demonstrated in the first issue, the new publication provides critical coverage of local and national LGBT issues along with much needed community news. “The power and effectiveness of the Washington Blade did not die with the name,” said DC Agenda Publisher Lynne Brown, also former Publisher of the Washington Blade and employee of that publication for over 23 years. “That strength actually came from the spirit and intensity of those who wrote the stories and reached out to the community. It’s those same people who are the backbone of this new venture, a group that is the true definition of grit and resilience.” “It’s been a tough week, but we have been buoyed by the outpouring of support from our colleagues, our community, people all over the city and even beyond DC,” said DC Agenda Editor Kevin Naff. “The DC Agenda represents former Blade employees’ commitment to carry on the important mission and work of the Blade,” said Naff. “We expect this effort to grow and evolve and to eventually include a larger and more diverse group of voices.” The 17 former Blade staff members, who also celebrated that publication’s 40th anniversary last month, hand-distributed the first edition of DC Agenda. “We thank all those who have taken the risk of advertising in our new venture. We also would like to invite readers to visit our new news website at www.dcagenda.com and our temporary support website at www.savetheblade.com.” said Brown. “We are thrilled with what we achieved this week. This early iteration of our new newspaper is modest but…we did it! And we look forward to doing it again next week.” concluded Brown.

Send A Card To Military Injured When doing your Christmas cards this year, take one card and send it to a recovering American soldier. If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of how many cards these wonderful special people who have sacrificed so much would get. When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following: A Recovering American Soldier, c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center, 6900 Georgia Avenue, NW, Washington, D.C. 20307-5001. If you approve, please pass it on.

Ok, now I’ll admit, this picture really has nothing to do with the text on this page. It’s just late and I’m hungry for corn.

dec 2009

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We Need Gay Papers & Reporters by Jennifer Vanasco I came out in the 1990s at the tail of the glory days of gay culture. There were gay bookstores then in most major cities, and a mix of gay social clubs, where you could gather to bowl, two- step, play cards or organize for LGBT rights. Most important, there was a gay paper in every city that could sustain one. At the time, the mainstream media didn’t cover gay issues often or well. The New York Times called us homosexuals and didn’t cover our unions in their social pages. It was tough to find articles about our rights that didn’t have an obligatory quote from a religious conservative explaining that being gay is immoral, wrong and in many places illegal. Before the internet, the gay press was the only place where you could find reliable, objective information about LGBT issues. It was the only place you could learn about vigils, bars specials, group gatherings, protests. And now it is disappearing.

dec 2009

The demise this week of the Washington Blade (40 years old), Southern Voice (20 years) and other publications owned by Window Media hit me hard. Like many young gay writers who came out in the 80s and 90s, my first job was at a gay paper. I learned how to interview politicians, how to report on events, how to copy edit and assign stories and crop photos and layout pages. And I gathered deep knowledge about gay and lesbian history, icons, politics, culture. Gay papers are our community’s treasure. The stories there are more local and gay-specific than the mainstream media, more reflective and better reported than what often appears on the Internet. Gay reporters who work at gay papers take politicians to task and hold them to their promises. And gay papers themselves – since they are staffed by a small group not by individuals working remotely – pass along knowledge, skills and expertise to the next generation of gay reporters. Blogs are wonderful, of course. We all read them. They can disseminate a lot of information

reports only on stories about the gay community that are of mainstream – not LGBT – interest. quickly. But they also get things wrong; and in the constant churn of information, important stories – stories that dominate front pages for a week – can be lost under other, less significant posts. And don’t forget that few blogs actually report news – most only link to and comment on news that has already been reported by other sites. Newspapers as a class are being killed by many things besides blogs: the rise of free and convenient information and news on the web; the loss of classified advertising to sites like Craigslist; the expense of paper. And the gay press is further hurt by the rise of gay reporting in the mainstream media. But don’t be fooled. Just like chain bookstores reduced their gay and lesbian section to barely an aisle after forcing local gay and feminist bookstores out of business, the mainstream media

Gay papers and gay reporters are important. We need to support and nurture the ones we have. Perhaps, too, we need a new model – something like Pro Publica, the non-profit organization devoted to investigative news gathering. If we were able to gather the best LGBT reporters from around the country and give them the resources to investigate important local stories, we could provide fuel to activists and bloggers everywhere. I mourn the Washington Blade and all the other gay papers now gone that both built a community and explained it to itself. But I celebrate the papers we have left. And I admire the reporters who staff them, providing the information to our community we just can’t get anywhere else. Jennifer Vanasco is an award-winning, syndicated columnist. Email her at Jennifer.Vanasco@gmail.com; follow her at Twitter.com/JenniferVanasco.

With gay papers closing across the country there is a huge opportunity for outlook expansion. Interested investors should call Chris or Michael.

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COMMUNITY RESOURCES

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Suicide for gay youth is higher than for our straight brethren, especially during the holidays. We need to preserve our youth any way we can! Volunteer.

dec 2009

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Gold Stars by Mette Bach I have a bone to pick and it’s really old. I’m talking several years old, which in “gay time” is prehistoric. Back when I was just coming out, I went on a date with a woman who bragged about being a Gold Star Lesbian. Being green, I asked what she meant. She told me she’d never been with a man before, only women. Being insecure, I think I actually complimented her. Being smart, I didn’t go on a second date. Now that I’ve stewed on it for years and years, I’m ready to respond. The whole Gold Star thing is pretentious. It says: “I made up my mind eons ago and I’ll be damned if I ever change it.” I understand hardwiring. I don’t believe sexual attraction is a choice. But I do believe that sexual attraction is complex and that bragging about your own self-inflicted limitations is sort of like bragging about getting a DUI. I’m not judging her for having a type. I have a type... a rather specific one at that; it seems I have an affinity for highly opinionated, award-winning butch-identified (or at least ‘gendercomplex’) authors who either currently reside in a rural setting or once resided in a rural setting. But I don’t brag about this. I don’t want an award for this. I chuckle at myself whenever I think about it.

idea that there are men and there are women and that’s that. The Gold Star is a line drawn in the sand, a foregone conclusion and, frankly, a myth. Too much good stuff gets glossed over and denied when the focus is on the destination rather than the journey. The idea that once one comes out one must somehow erase, deny, negate or pretend to be completely over heterosexuality is just silly. Sexuality is sexuality; it’s as complex as we are. Romantic connections, physical explorations and respectful mutual consensual trysts are the foundations of sexual diversity and that diversity includes random acts of heterosexuality (or great big periods thereof). Didn’t most of us come out in order to escape being boxed in? Sure, the Gold Star is, for most lesbians who use the term, probably meant in good fun. It’s cheerfully territorial. It speaks to layers upon layers of invisibility. But, for me, and for most transfolks, bifolks, and anyone with an imagination, really, it’s a bit too narrow. We are all much more like rainbow stars - diverse in our makeup and sexual explorations. It took me a long time to figure out what bothered me about that date and where I stand on the whole Gold Star matter and I’m cool with that. Thoughts are like sexualities: they are journeys and you can take as long as you want.

The Gold Star concept buys into the

dec 2009

If I were a teacher grading this magazine, I give it two gold stars and a scratch-n-sniff, the star one.

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The Cardinal is Ohioâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s State Bird. Do you know what the Paw Paw is?

dec 2009

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gaily forward

Here Comes Santa Claus... by Erin Upchurch Tonight the conversation came. The boy wanted to know if Santa Claus was real; and he wanted the truth. I tried the feel good answer of “whatever you believe, is real for you” and he wasn’t buying it. I could see it in his eyes, at the age of seven, he wanted so desperately to believe in the magic of toys appearing under a beautifully lit tree on Christmas morning. He needed to know that we were really going to bed when we said we were, so that Santa could come into the house and deliver his most wished- for items. The challenge was his logic. Do reindeers really fly? The past two years we sprinkled oatmeal in the yard as a snack for the reindeers; and of course it was gone the next morning. But, how could one reindeer have a giant red nose that shines? The cookies prepared for Santa’s snack were always half eaten, and the milk spilled; however, we never even use the fireplace. As he contemplated the reality of December 25th, I was drawn into my own memories and discovery of Santa. My parents, much like I do with my own children, went through great strides to ensure our belief in the jolly old guy. Every year my mom read The Night Before Christmas just before we went to bed. My sisters and I always slept in the same room. If we gave our mom and dad trouble about going to sleep (which rarely occurred, we wanted morning to come fast) my dad would pretend he heard something in the sky which indicated Santa was near. I remember a few different times looking above, convinced I saw Rudolph’s glow. As the rules went, we were not allowed to go downstairs until my parents scoped the scene to ensure that Santa was not still there; perhaps he’d taken a nap or something. We would then race down the steps to find our plethora of gifts sprawled

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generously across the room. There wasn’t a tree wide enough under which they could hide. Post shredding of the finely wrapped gifts, we then trotted in to the family room to inspect our over-filled stockings. Every single year Santa brought us an orange. I suppose he wanted us to remember healthy eating amidst the candy canes and cookies. There was always a mess in front of the fireplace. Pieces of wood were scattered across the floor, the doors were opened, and a vase was inevitably knocked over. “That clumsy Santa” my parents would exclaim in an exasperated way as they cleaned up the mess. Santa never ate all the cookies we had left out for him. My mom explained that he was probably full from all those others treats he’d consumed throughout the night. This song and dance continued faithfully until I was 13. December had arrived, and we had joyfully submitted our lists, highlighting the most desired items. This was also the year my parents separated and the one in which I was instantly ripped from my childhood fantasies of Santa, reindeer, and ‘The List’ into the land of reality. My two younger sisters had gone to bed, and my mom asked me to help her wrap presents. Until recently, this was something I hated to do. As such, I did so in the most begrudging way that only a newly-minted teenager could do. There were tons of gifts; all toys I knew my sisters had wanted. I couldn’t believe that my parents were spoiling them in this way! Surely, my prizes were cleverly hidden throughout the house. When finished wrapping, my mom moved on to another project, but not before she instructed me to sign the gifts ‘Love, Santa’. I froze. If I was signing Santa’s name, then maybe he wasn’t coming that year? Perhaps he was just to busy to write his own name and this was an arrangement he’d work out with parents all over the

If you think about it, Chad Frye is like Santa. Drunk and trying to slide down everyone’s chimney if you know what I mean!

world. I pondered every excuse my pubescent mind could conjure, only to accept the fact that Santa wasn’t coming. Santa, in fact, wasn’t real. Years later, I confronted my parents regarding this experience. They joked, of course, that a 13-year-old still believed in Santa. Of course I did! They had gone through such great lengths to coerce our young minds, I’m shocked we didn’t believe longer than we did. They apologized when I accused them of lying and indulged my pledge of never allowing my children to engage in such trickery. I didn’t keep my promise. Somehow Santa crept into the life of my own family and I found myself, again, signing gifts ‘Love, Santa’. It was at this moment I realized that my belief was never really in a fat white man in a red suit. I don’t think I ever truly expected all the cookies to be gone. What I really enjoyed was the way my sisters, cousins, and I got together to make dozens upon dozens of different cookies and treats every year. I loved icing our creations while simultaneously snacking on my nana’s fresh fudge. The thoughtfulness and hard work my parents put into designing a Santa-visited scene, only underscored their love for us and their desire for us to have fun and enjoy the few magical and mystical moments of life. It was fun to pretend and I often feel sad that as adults, the business of pretending is rarely encouraged. I don’t know if my son really wanted the truth. I don’t know if any of us ever really want the truth about anything. What I do know is this: the enchantment of the holidays is one to be cherished regardless of age. Be it Santa, or another gift-giving figure, we all deserve the chance to believe in the unbelievable. Erin Upchurch is a contributor writer from the podcast Gaily Fwd. Check out the podcast on itunes or at www.gailyfwd.com

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Chemical Legislation by Deborah Steele Eight years after the September 11th attacks, the House of Representatives on November 6th 2009 approved the “Chemical and Water Security Act of 2009,” (H.R. 2868) by a vote of 230193. The legislation was led by Representatives Thompson (D-MS), Jackson-Lee (D-TX), Waxman (D-CA), Markey (D-MA), Oberstar (D-MN) and Johnson (D-TX). This is the first time either house of Congress has approved permanent and comprehensive chemical security legislation. “Although it’s a compromise, this bill represents a historic first step toward protecting the 100 million Americans living in the shadow of highrisk chemical plants,” said Rick Hind, legislative director of Greenpeace. Attempts by House Republicans to weaken the legislation were voted down. “The day after a terrorist attack at a chemical plant kills thousands of Americans, any suggestion that we should not require the use of safer chemicals at these plants will be considered totally crazy. Republicans should have been offering amendments to strengthen this modest legislation instead of trying to cripple it,” said Hind. “Senator Lautenberg (D-NJ) first proposed this legislation in 1999. It’s time for the Senate to recognize the urgency of this issue and embrace common sense solutions that eliminate these risks once and for all,” said Hind. Earlier this in November 2009, the Clorox Company announced plans to convert all of their U.S. facilities from ultra-hazardous chlorine gas to liquid bleach to “strengthen our operations and add another layer of security,” according to their CEO Don Knauss. Clorox also indicated that these changes “won’t affect the size of the company’s workforce.” Hind added, “by leading the way in eliminating the potential consequences of a catastrophic terrorist attack or accident, Clorox provided Congress with compelling new evidence to enact chemical plant security legislation.”

In addition, water utility groups, environmental organizations and labor unions created a coalition of more than 50 organizations that are urging Congress to enact this legislation. They include: Association of Metropolitan Water Agencies, the United Auto Workers, Steelworkers, Teamsters, Fire Fighters, Sierra Club, Physicians for Social Responsibility, U.S. Public Interest Research Group, Environmental Defense Fund and Greenpeace. The House passed bill (H.R. 2868) will: • Conditionally require the highest risk plants to use safer chemical processes where feasible and cost-effective, and requires the remaining high risk plants to “assess” safer chemical processes; • Eliminate the current law’s exemption of thousands of chemical facilities, such as wastewater and drinking water plants and port facilities; • Involve plant employees in the development of security plans and provides protections for whistleblowers and limit background check abuses; • Preserve state’s authority to establish stronger security standards; • Provide funding for conversion of plants, including drinking water facilities and wastewater facilities, and • Allow citizen suits to enforce government implementation of the law. This legislation will have huge effects on Ohioans. Our state has numerous industrial sites that use these dangerous chemicals, putting untold numbers of nearby residents at risk instead of using safer alternatives that are less harmful to the environment, workers, and citizens if an accident were to occur. This issue will be taken up in the Senate and it is important we continue to work to insure this bill becomes law ensuring a safer tomorrow. Deborah Steele is Field Organizer in Columbus for Greenpeace USA. For more info call 614.323.1703.

Since 9/11 more than 200 chemical facilities have converted to safer chemical processes, eliminating poison gas risks to more than 30 million Americans. Yet 300 other chemical plants together put 110 million Americans at risk. On October 1st, the Department of Homeland Security and the Environmental Protection Agency for the first time testified in favor of this legislation. “For the first time since the September 11th attacks Congressional leaders and the administration are in agreement on legislation that will actually protect the millions of Americans that remain at risk from chemical plants that can be turned into weapons of mass destruction,” said Hind.

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Menage-A-Santa?

dec 2009

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Homeless for the Holiday – and the other 364 days, too Erika Clark Jones works to combat homelessness and stereotypes by Michael Daniels Erika Clark Jones cuts an impressive figure in her second-floor office at City Hall. She’s young, she’s strikingly pretty, and she’s no-nonsense in her commitment to her role as the Mayor’s Director of the Office of Homeless and Social Services Advocacy. “There are about 7,800 people homeless in the City,” she tells me. “About 175 of those are on the land, the others are in shelters, in transitional housing, in a variety of situations. Our job is to let them know that there are services available to them – they don’t have to be on the land or living in their cars. There are alternatives. The Rebuilding Lives program, opportunities for transitional housing, and other programs. We’re here every day, working the model, coordinating with agencies and service providers – trying to take care of everyone who needs our help.” The stereotype of the homeless is always something against which people like Clark Jones must battle. Let’s start with some basics – a legal definition of homeless is ‘an individual who lacks a fixed, regular, and adequate nighttime residence, or a person who resides in a shelter, welfare hotel, transitional program, or place not ordinarily used as regular sleeping accommodations, such as streets, cars, movie theatres, abandoned buildings, etc.’ So if you’re couch surfing, you’re technically homeless. Living at the Y? Homeless. Got kicked out by your housemate? Homeless. For many, homelessness is seen as something to be criminalized, marginalized, and even demonized. Mention the word ‘homeless’ and they think dirty, lazy drug addicts who are mentally ill, leeching off welfare programs, and engaging in an endless series of petty crimes. These generalizations, like all stereotypes, are largely false, offensive, and harmful. The vast majority of homeless individuals are lower- to middle-class folk who have fallen on hard times, want to work, want to have a home, want to rejoin society, but because of a bad job history, or foreclosure/eviction, or poor credit score, cannot reenter the job and housing market on their own. There but for the grace of God go we. “We are blessed to have many dedicated agencies like the Community Shelter Board,” says Clark Jones. CSB was created in 1986 and tasked with coordinating efforts to end homelessness. Through work with their partners and funding agencies – including Clark Jones’ office at the City – CSB is engaged in homelessness prevention, emergency shelter, housing services, and supportive housing throughout the metro area. I ask Clark Jones specifically about GLBT homeless people and their special circumstances, if any. “We have encountered gay and lesbian couples on the land,” she replies. “And many of them tell us they’d rather stay out there than go into a shelter.” GLBT people often do not feel safe in shelter hous-

dec 2009

Ya just want to kiss her, don’t ya?

ing – and rightly so. Agencies such as BRAVO and Kaleidoscope have known this for some time. As Chris Cozad, President Emerita of BRAVO points out in a recent reply to The Columbus Dispatch, “… [T]he closest domestic violence shelter that will house men or transgender people is in Marion Ohio … [and that] other than] BRAVO there are NO resources for gay men (or any other men) available in Columbus if these men experience violence at the hands of their partners (male or female.)” “We have shelters for men and shelters for women,” says Clark Jones. “But very little for couples – couples housing of any kind presents a challenge across the board, and this is a big problem. If you’re homeless, the only thing you feel that you have left is your partner, and to think that if you come in and ask for help you’re going to be separated from that person … that’s an impossible choice.” Imagine asking yourself, ‘Do I want a roof over my head, or to be with the person I love?’ Most choose the person. “We also have special challenges with youth and young adults,” Clark Jones says. “We have homeless young people from all backgrounds, and they tend to not use traditional facilities. We need to continue to work on solutions tailored to them.” Programs for GLBT homeless youth have been pioneered by organizations such as the Ali Forney Center, and could serve as models. “What we need most is the continued support of citizens – all of us,” says Clark Jones. “Get involved through your community center or through your community of faith. Donate food and material assistance through a pantry – essential items such as personal care, toiletries, clean undergarments, and cleaning supplies are always needed. People need wallets to carry their IDs, and alarm clocks to get them up for a job interview or their first day of work.” There’s one more thing Clark Jones says is more valuable than any of the above. “Your time,” she says directly. “We need legal aid volunteers to help people work through the process of getting a copy of their birth certificate or a new ID card, or to deal with past petty legal issues. And we just need volunteers to be someone’s friend – to help them deal with the transition from being on the streets to being in a shelter to moving into transitional or community housing.” Awareness. Involvement. Caring. These are things we think about now that the holiday season draws near. We need to remember that these are things our homeless brothers and sisters need 365 days a year – not just one day in December. For more information, contact Erika Clark Jones at ecjones@columbus.gov. For more information on the Community Shelter Board, visit www.csb.org. BRAVO is online at www.bravo-ohio.org, and Kaleidoscope at www.kycohio.org. The Ali Forney Center can be found at www.aliforneycenter.org.

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How many Santas do you think we can fit in that car? How many dreidels?

dec 2009

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NYL’s Joel Field is the LTR You’ve Been Looking For by Elliot Fishman

Second, said Field, many gay people have only their own pensions and savings to support them Financial advisor Joel Field is looking for an LTR, in retirement, and they do not benefit from being but not the kind found on a gay dating site. able to rely on their spouses’ pension or children to take care of them when they are older. He’s talking about clients. In fact, a recent New York Times study identified “My philosophy is to develop a long-term relaa significant cost of being gay, in terms of taxes, tionship with each of my clients,” says the New lower benefits, and lower retirement income York Life and NYLife Securities licensed financial ranging from several thousands to millions of advisor, “When we work together, it’s not just a dollars - when compared to heterosexual counpoint-of-sale transaction.” terparts.

For young adults, Field advises clients to figure out a budget, decide how much they need or want to have in assets when they retire, and work with a financial advisor over the long run, to keep them on track.

investment of his clients, and he is not a feebased financial planner. Field also said that he works with a range of investment tools, from non-proprietary mutual funds to insurance and related products offered by New York Life.

Field also said it is never too late to start saving and investing. For clients who are getting closer to retirement, Field said you’ll need to invest more than you would if you were younger to catch up.

“Our financial ratings were recently affirmed by all four major rating agencies as being the highest possible,” he said. Field also said that the end of this year is a good time for LGBT persons to review their savings and investment strategies, in order to plan for upcoming tax law and economic changes.

“One thing people are worrying more and more about is outliving their savings,” he said, suggesting that clients might cut down on expenses and put more money into savings. For example, a change in the tax laws means that more people may be able to take advantage “I tell clients they can lower expenses and inof a Roth IRA, which can provide a number of Although in many ways gay people face the crease savings, or they can work ten years benefits to investors, said Field, who cautioned same opportunities and challenges as heteroField, 28, joined his company’s Dublin office ear- longer than they wanted to,” he said. that investors should consult with a tax professexual people, said Field, there are some impor- lier this year, after working as a senior personal sional to determine their individual tax advantant differences. banker at a local financial institution. He has So why work with a financial advisor? Can’t tages and liabilities. quickly become one of New York Life’s top new most people simply invest for themselves? First, he said, “GLBT couples do not enjoy the agents and says that his job is to “help people Finally, Field said, people who wish to make endsame tax benefits as heterosexual married cou- retire young and wealthy,” by developing an en- Field said, “the best way I can explain it is this: I of-year charitable contributions may wish to talk ples since gay partners are not recognized as during savings and investment strategy. can go to California either by jumping on a with financial advisors about ways to better legal spouses in Ohio. The effect of taxes on plane or riding a bike. If I fly, I can get there in a leverage their philanthropy. one’s savings and investments will be an exThe financial advisor suggested that investment few hours. If I bike, it will take me two months.” tremely important issue for individuals in the and retirement planning should begin at the Financial advisors, he said, can help clients bet- “I talk a lot about legacy planning,” he said, years to come” and it is therefore important to earliest age possible. ter identify their financial goals and make their “because people need to know that they can indiversify people across taxation categories and investments work more efficiently. vest for their future charitable giving as well.” not just asset classes. Field said he works “Time is either your enemy or your friend,” said closely with clients’ tax advisors, to make sure Field, “and it becomes more of an enemy every People of any income level can and should work Joel M. Field III is a financial services professional with New York Life Insurance Company. He can be reached at 485 their savings plans take advantage of any avail- month you waste” by not saving and investing. with a financial advisor, said Field, who exPlace South, Suite 350, Dublin, Ohio 43017; at able tax savings. plained that he does not require any minimum Metro 614.793.2121, or at jmfield@ft.newyorklife.com. That philosophy, says Field, especially extends to members of the LGBT community, of which he is a member. The community, he says, is underserved and has some specific financial needs.

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He said that New York Life, which has a rating of 100 in the HRC Corporate Equality Index, has a network of LGBT agents who are continually working with the company to make their materials and their products more gay friendly.

Joel is also a Bucks fan, which reminds me: Ohio State beat Michigan. Kinda killed them actually. Go Bucks!

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Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget to come to the cityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best free networking event, Network Columbus, the 2nd Wednesday of each month from 6p-8p.

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dec 2009

The tradition of christening new ships by breaking a bottle of champagne against the bow developed in the 19th century. If it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t break it was bad luck.

EVEN

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Home for the Holidays NCMCC’s outreach teaches that gays do good for the world by Annette Prue As we come into this holiday season, some of us find ourselves wondering if we want to go home for the holidays. I would like to share a few words of my own personal wisdom and experience with you… Home truly is where the heart is, but home is also where you make it. Home can be made up of friends, family or people that you share time with. It can even be a place where you go even if you are invited at the last minute – invited by someone you know who doesn’t want you to spend the day alone. I have attended all of these and I love the ones that I did not have to spend with my family the most. I have also hosted an open house to those with no place to go and found that to be such a great pleasure - in spite of all the hard work involved. Why do this? Well, when you are part of a community like New Creation Metropolitan Community Church (NCMCC) and you see in action the outreach going on there all the time, you know you can’t shut yourself off from a chance to share the love. We all show each other what community is about ats some time or another. Like those times, on holidays, when you take the phone call from a friend who is with family and is going crazy. Who hasn’t taken those calls? And you know who your friends are that you can call when the hot chocolate toast with your clueless family gets on your own last nerve! Isn’t it good to know that there are places for us where we can be ourselves? People who accept us just as we are? At NCMCC I have found that place where I’m at home with a group of people who know how I am and love me anyway. I love it that I can talk about going to drag shows, or having friends who are queens, and not get a funny look like I would if I was at “home” with my family. And for me, that makes me want to

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help out the church itself. That’s why I’ve taken on the Holiday Bazaar this year. It will be held December 5Th from 9am to 3pm, at 116 E. Williams Rd., just off of High street. As an artist, I donate part of my profits to the church and I also give some of the profits to other local GLBT groups. This year, those other groups are going to be the Columbus Aids Task Fforce and Equality Ohio because they do so much for our community. I have watched people pitch in just a little time at all these places to a project like the bazaar, or helping in the office, or calling voters and every time it shows me what community is about. At NCMCC, the outreach goes beyond the GLBT community also. Since coming to the Williams road location we have started several programs reaching out to the local community. Many of our neighbors are people forgotten by the rest of the community because they are poor, old, disenfranchised or just different. So many of us have been forgotten because we are ourselves different, so we can understand that and can reach out to these people who just need someone there in their time of need. Some of these events have included the following: About a dozen of us met at the church on Valentine’s Day to make cookies for the homeless. We made and decorated more than sixty-five dozen cookies, which were delivered that evening to the YMCA Family Center, Huckleberry House, and Friends of the Homeless. The whole church collected toiletries, clothing, shoes, boots, and towels for the homeless in Columbus in support of New Life UMC Homeless Ministry. We’ve also delivered items like travelsize shampoo and soaps to the Community Shower Program at South Side Settlement House. As “Walking Rainbows,” we’ve become the arms and legs of Christ. Contact has been made with a social worker

assigned to the south end and a case manager at Senior Options to identify elderly folks and housebound individuals in our area who need help with yard work and/or minor maintenance tasks. We’ve helped elderly widows, low income families, at least one disabled couple. Not a single queer person on the list – but they needed help so we gave it. At our church, we’ve collected all sorts of things for Huckleberry House, a shelter and counseling center for homeless or runaway teens; baby items for the Columbus Health Department’s Caring for Two program, we’ve donated food – lots of it – to the food bank at St. Paul’s UCC in the South End; we make and donate kid-sized blankets to a program that gives them to kids in crisis so they’ll know someone cares and have something to cuddle when they need some extra comfort. How can anyone not want to participate in their community after seeing such a small church work so hard to get out and help others? I have seen for myself that you do not have to be big to make a difference. I think of the verse in the Bible about David taking on Goliath: he was so small and no one thought he could do anything, yet he did. Well, no matter how small anyone is, we each matter - every one of us. So go out there and make this season the best you can. Find home wherever your heart takes you, and don’t let the Grinch steal your gift this year! What gift is that? The joy you give another person when you share your smile with them, when you open a door, when you don’t cut someone off in traffic but just let them in with a wave. The joy you give when you’re there for that Christmas Eve phone call from your frustrated friend. The joy you give when you volunteer in our community. The joy you give yourself when you know you make a difference! For more info on NCMCC: http://www.newcreationmcc.org.

Annette is one of the craziest people we know. She also is very crafty. Check out her art at the bazzaar on Dec 5th. Good holiday shopping!

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To Mormons, North Koreans, Sarah Palin, and Gangstas:

Happy Holidays from The Gays! by Mickey Weems The holiday season is upon us. After a year in which too many Americans have made every excuse to demonize each other, maybe it’s time we start looking for the good in everyone. If you look hard enough, you’re bound to find something. Contrary to expectations, the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), the ex-Governor of Alaska (Sarah Barracuda Palin), and gangsta rappers (respect) all support Gay people, even if they don’t know it. Here’s how. Mormon Did you know that the Mormons have their own alphabet? And one of the letters is Gay. No, really, it is. In the 1800s, Mormons under Brigham Young decided to create a phonetic alphabet that they called Deseret, a word that means “honeybee” in the language of the Jaredites, a group of Silvan elves who fled west to escape the Orcs when Mordor was controlled by the Dark Lord Sauron - oops! I’m confusing my imaginary peoples. Actually, the Jaredites are an extinct tribe sent by Jesus from Mesopotamia to America in giant sealed barges thousands of years ago. Anyway, the Deseret alphabet was designed to simplify written English for non-English-speaking immigrants. There are 40 letters in Deseret, each one representing a sound such as I, E, A, Ah, O, Oo, Bee, Tee, Pee, Wee, Vee, Em, En, Er, El, Kay and of course Gay. By stringing the letters together and pronouncing them as if they were words, Queer Mormons can honor the proud traditions of the founding fathers, their many loving wives, and countless unsung same-sex relationships, by proclaiming, “I Em Gay,” “Wee Er Gay, O Kay?” and “I Em El Es Bee En” in Deseret code-script. North Korea In its continuing war of words with America, North Korea has

dec 2009

actually called for greater tolerance for Gays, just as long as they keep one foot in the closet. Here is a statement from the official website (www.koreadpr.com), where you can also request a signed photo of the Dear Leader, no joke:

See her as a proud drag queen, and remember our beloved Patrick.

Gangstas “No homo” is a verbal disclaimer that insecure male rappers use when they feel like they might be looking a little bit, well, “Due to tradition in Korean cul- faggotty. So they clear the air by ture, it is not customary for indi- saying “no homo” just to make viduals of any sexual orientation sure nobody takes them for to engage in public displays of being a real man who would affection. As a country that has never, ever issue such a lame embraced science and rational- disclaimer. This little nugget-o’ism, the DPRK recognizes that hate pops up in rap songs by many individuals are born with Cam’ron, Jay-Z, and Lil Wayne. homosexuality as a genetic trait Even Kanye West is not immune. and treats them with due respect. What good can come from “no homo”? Plenty! “Homosexuals in the DPRK have never been subject to repression, Every time rappers say “no as in many capitalist regimes homo,” they call attention to the around the world [i.e. the good possible homosexual meaning of old US of A…Snap!]. However, their lyrics, something nobody North Koreans also place a lot of would have done in the first emphasis on social harmony place if they hadn’t raised it up, and morals. Therefore, the DPRK so to speak. It’s kind of like tryrejects many characteristics of ing to act tough (or run from the the popular gay culture in the law) as your sagging pants West, which many perceive to threaten to fall around your anembrace consumerism, claskles, or talk tough when your sism and promiscuity.” mouth bleeds from a poorlymade grill. Sooner or later, you So if you’re planning to go to Py- realize you are making yourself a ongyang, leave the butt-less laughingstock. chaps at home. This is not to say that low-slung Sarah Palin pants and gold grills are bad Try to describe her and not use things. They are regular props the word “statuesque.” for G-on-G thugporn that is all the rage in frat houses across There is something magical America. about a woman who gets pregnant before marriage, has a Somewhat like gangstas, musdaughter who gets pregnant be- cle queens and wafer-thin fore marriage, and then betwinks like to wear their pants comes a leading spokesperson down-low enough so everyone for American family values. can see the label on the waistband of their designer underWhat is even more magical wear (if they are wearing any). about Sarah Palin is the iconic And both gangstas and Gay men look she has come to embody, are notorious for putting hard with her brown hair pulled back, things in their mouths, no homo. bangs in front, so picture-perfect she could have been in a Now that we’ve established is movie. In fact, when I look at that gangstas are mo’ homo Sarah now, I cannot help but see than no homo, their use of the the lovely Miss Vida Boheme, phrase “no homo” can also be played to the Tee by the late an effective way to point out how great Patrick Swayze in To Wong Gay most gangsta speech is: Foo. Suck my dick, no homo So when you see Ms. Sarah Kiss my ass, no homo Palin, don’t dwell on death pan- Pop a cap in his ass, no homo els, tea-baggers or ghostwriters. These nuts! No homo

Some say the circuit is dead. Some say Lady GaGa killed the White Party. I say just dance, it will be ok....

Balling with my crew, no homo I’m a gang-banger, no homo Packing my nine and got something for you, no homo Let me introduce you to my little friend, no homo Do you feel me? No homo Hysterical people paranoid about health care and the deficit can use it too: “I’m startin’ a teabagging chapter with my huntin’ buddies, no homo.” There are so many misunderstood homophobes! North Korea, Mormons, Sarah Palin, and gangstas are not the only ones we should be regarding with a kinder eye. Here are some more: John Boehner Anyone whose last name is a stiff, hard cock can’t be all that bad. “Bay-nor”? I don’t think so. Your name is right there with Dick Armey’s, Johnny-boy. Hugo Chavez Besides being a power-hungry dictator with a soft spot in his heart for poor people, Chavez has also spoken out in favor of LGBTQ rights. Aaron Schock The new wonder-boy of the wingnut Conservatives, he is handsome, he has a six-pack, and he will sooner or later come to realize there is nothing wrong with being Gay. Once he gets through his slut-phase and has his fill of go-go dancing on the box at Circuit parties, he could potentially be the next Barney Frank. So you don’t think Aaron is homosexual? OH PLEASE! Don’t let his Ahmedinejadesque denials fool you. Aaron opens his mouth, and star-spangled daisies fall out. No homo. Last but not Least: Scientologists Granted that their beliefs in galactic pseudo-history make Mormon theology look rational, and their homophobia is on par with Ann Coulter (but without the clever repartee that she does so well), Scientologists have one saving grace: they count among their number the totally lovable John Travolta. At least for now.

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Traut and I have a dream of opening a bar called Bear Town. We’ve got the name copywritten so don’t get any ideas. RwwrwwwrRWrWrwwRrWww!

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Holiday Cocktails A little beer, a little wine, drink up, it’s Solstice time Bottle of wine, fruit of the vine, when you gonna let me get sober. Let me alone. Let me go home. Let me go back and start over. (Tom Paxton – “Bottle of Wine”) Whether it’s the Christmas Cosmo, the Candy Cane Martini, the Grinch, the Scroogedriver, the Snow Job, high octane Eggnog, Hot Buttered Rum, or standard beer or wine, alcohol is the social lubricant that makes many holiday celebrations flow. And let’s face it, there are some bosses, co-workers, relatives and/or members of our partner’s cadre of friends that go better with a buzz. The spirit of the season creates a suspension of sobriety norms so that when someone staggers a little, shows up at the doorstep bellowing, “Kiss me you fool,” does a headstand in the middle of the table or sends a picture of their left nostril to everyone in their phonebook, it’s kinda funny. And even when it’s not so funny, most of us are able to excuse it because we know that the holiday season is sort of like an extended cocktail hour. Besides, it’s hard to judge someone else’s drunken behavior if we remember having done something equally stupid under the influence.

signs of alcohol abuse are: • A Jekyll and Hyde personality change (i.e. a generally shy person becomes loud and outgoing or a generally mild-mannered person becomes belligerent and abusive); • Increased irritability and a lower threshold for violence; • Risky behavior such as driving well beyond the safe limit, walking in areas that are risky in the best of circumstances or engaging in unsafe or nonconsensual sex; • Emotional volatility marked by yelling, screaming or sobbing over things that seem trivial to a sober mind; • Blackouts in which entire spans of time or conversations are forgotten; • Avoidance of activities that don’t involve the opportunity to drink; • Unwillingness to discuss drinking and/or becoming annoyed at people who express concern about drinking; • Sneaking drinks and/or gulping first drinks; • Feeling guilt and/or shame about drinking or drunken behavior; • Inability to control one’s drinking so that “just one drink” rapidly leads to more; • Missing or being late to work, school or social or family obligations because of drunkenness or hangovers; • Oversleeping or difficulty sleeping; • Making excuses for drinking; • Doing things to hide the extent of drinking like buying alcohol at different stores or hiding empty bottles; • Worrying about having enough alcohol on hand for an evening or weekend.

Still, even during the holiday season, there are limits to social tolerance. When someone slides past tipsy into flat-out drunk, it’s not so funny anymore. It’s painful to talk to someone who’s so impaired that they can’t formulate their thoughts, embarrassing to watch them stagger and fall and horrifying to see them climb behind the As abuse progresses towards addicwheel of a car. Drunkenness is even tion, you may see: less amusing when it’s the norm rather • Attempts to quit drinking or cut than the exception. Frequent drunken- back on the amount are unsuccessful; ness is a sign of alcohol abuse. Other • Devaluation of relationships as

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alcohol becomes more important; • Loss of friends and other significant relationships; • Legal problems; • Problems at work or job loss; • Unreasonable resentments; • Marked self pity; • Drinking to avoid the pain of the morning after or to avoid “the shakes” and other symptoms of withdrawal; • Prolonged binges; • Tolerance to alcohol decreases so that it takes less alcohol to produce inebriation. If someone you care about has a drinking problem, you probably feel like you’ve been run through an emotional blender every time they go on a bender. You may become someone you hate in reaction their drinking or go numb to avoid the fear, anger and deep, deep sorrow their drinking brings up for you. Even if you accept the possibility that they can’t control their drinking, you might have the illusion that you can control their drinking and its consequences. If you’re the partner, parent, child, or close friend of a problem drinker, you may even catch yourself getting wrapped up in their drinking. You may: • Focus a great deal of attention on what they are doing, where they are (or aren’t), and how much they drink; • Try to control their drinking by setting limits for them, hiding their alcohol stash or stealing drinks from their glass or bottle so that they don’t get as drunk; • Take responsibility for them, keeping them from making phone calls when their words are fuzzy, and/or apologizing for their behavior; • Corroborate (or fail to dispute) their lies; • Call in sick for them or do other things to minimize the damage created by their drinking;

• Take responsibility for their drinking, finding ways to make their drinking your fault in your head; • Isolate yourself in order to keep their drinking a secret; • Feel shame about their drinking; • Become addicted to the drama surrounding the drinking.

might have to do this a few more times.

Now think about how you’d like to be. Imagine it in as much detail as you can, starting with how you’d like to feel at the beginning of the day. How would you like to spend your time? Really imagine doing the things you love to do If you recognize yourself through the (sans the cocktail). Imagine your relabehaviors on any of these lists, it’s tionships – the talks you have with time to make some drastic changes. people you want to hang out with and The bottom line is that if you keep be connected to. Finally, let yourself sit doing things the same way you’ve been with your life’s dream for a moment. doing them, you’re gonna keep getting You may not know it now, but it will the same results. If you’re not really come to you eventually if you keep up feeling any motivation to change, take this visualization process. an honest assessment of your life. If you’re getting warmed up to chang• How much money do you (or the ing, I encourage you to take the next drinker you love) spend on alcohol? step. Go to a meeting, AA or Al-Anon, to How much do you spend a week? How get support working with your particumuch does alcohol cost you per lar problem. If you feel overwhelmed or month? Per year? need more intense support, find a • What are you missing because of counselor. your (or their) drinking? If you looked at a map of your social world, would you The holiday season is a time to celesee significant relationships becoming brate putting the old year and old patmore distant or superficial relationterns to rest and creating space for ships becoming more important? If so, new energy, new patterns and new how does this feel? hope. We do this with family, friends • Have you cut back on the time you and community. Make this the season spend playing softball, beading, gar- you let go of your drinking and/or the dening, playing guitar or doing other drama caused by your reaction to things you love because of your (or someone else’s drinking. Get support. someone else’s) drinking? Is this what Stop drinking yourself into oblivion you really want? and/or set healthy boundaries. And if • Have you lost connection to your you really need to be buzzed around life’s dream? certain people, perhaps you’d be better • Do you spend a lot of time spinoff avoiding them entirely. Here’s to the ning in contentious relationship first day of the rest of your life! drama? If so, is this really the way you Regina Sewell is a mental health counselor, prowant to spend your time? Take a moment to sit with these answers, to really feel the loss or frustration. When you’ve had enough, take a deep breath in and release any hopelessness you feel on the exhale. You

Want to see a real drunk Santa? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sem8RvpolvI&feature=player_embedded

fessor and writer. To ask a question, propose a column topic, read about her approach to counseling, or check out her books and other writing, go to: www.ReginaSewell.com. Her most recent publication, “Sliding Away” can be found in Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in Our 40s, edited by Molly Rosen.

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Thirty days hath September, April, June and November, February has twenty eight alone, All the rest have thirty-one,..

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dec 2009

Mom always said money doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t grow on trees. She didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell me it grew on cars and houses.

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Nothing says Christmas like a tampon angel. Learn how to make one at Mary Annâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s show!

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There ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a closet in the world big enough to hold outlook... and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just our shoes!

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Oh, But To Be A Bearer Of The Light BEING THE BEACON OF LIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY TO FIND THEIR WAY TO ACCEPTANCE by Paul D. Saltz

sive voyeur, and a host of other fallacies concerning my character. My entire extended family knows Needless to say, I was not prethat I’m gay. While many will see pared for the unexpected phone this as a blessing, I must confess call from my grandmother, leadthat if that is so, it is mixed at ing to the most torturous and best. My parents, siblings, and draining forty-five minutes of my cousins have all been incredibly life wherein they told me that supportive. Even my uncle, who at though they loved me because I times can be fairly heterosexist was their eldest grandson, they and chauvinistic, immediately wanted to know absolutely nothstopped making jokes about AIDS ing about “that part” of my life. once he found out. As great as Ever since, visits, particularly durthat is, I find I can’t relish in all ing the holidays, have been rather that goodness because there is difficult. still a wall that stands between my grandparents and me. When we think of the holidays what comes to mind? Generally Growing up I faced a continuous speaking we think of the ability to barrage of comments from my celebrate and share of ourselves grandparents ranging from: I’ll be with those we love and who love disinherited if I grew up to be a us back. We do not think of the fairy, to how “special” and “cre- need to hide or otherwise mask ative” I was. These did not even various parts of our lives in order begin to cover the indirect comto be considered acceptable by ments of slander toward the LGBT everyone present. Yet that is precommunity (including their own cisely what many of us are reneighbors). I thus decided (with quired to resort to when we go the rest of the family’sies conhome for the holidays. I am sure sent) that they would be kept in that there are many who will the dark. Unfortunately, an ex of share my sentiment that it is mine had other ideas. Unbeknown rather disheartening and downto me, my ex, knowing my grand- right depressing sitting at the parents didn’t know, hacked into dinner table seeing cousins and my email and sent them an email siblings being able to sit next to as me, not only telling them that I their spouses and boyfriends, all was gay, but that I was an exces- the while knowing that as long as

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various family members are not yet six feet under, you are required to show up alone. Then to add insult to injury, when certain family members make disparaging remarks, entirely forgetting that those remarks are unconsciously being directed towards someone sitting not four feet away from them, you are required to just sit there and bear it for the purpose of keeping the peace. What is a gay or lesbian to do?

I do not believe that it is a coincidence that the holidays we celebrate this time of year (Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, Yule) are all celebrations of light. Ritually and spiritually we begin with a spark or single flame, that grows to illuminate our rooms and hearts. With each thoughtful comment or question from my grandfather, or loving comment from my grandmother, a crack grows in the wall that separates us. This crack is I know this may sound a bit cliché just big enough to let a little but there is hope to be found in shred of light through. In time, it the most disparaging of situawill be enough to illuminate their tions. It has been several years mind and worldview. since my grandparents found out, and while the odd comment or eu- Last Christmas, after months of phemism still escapes unseemly hinting and pleading, I finally lips from time to time, the freconvinced my grandparents to quency has dramatically decome to my church for both a concreased. Surprisingly my cert and Christmas Eve service. grandfather will actually make While this may not seem like anysmall comments or ask questions thing, I attend an open and afwhen the two of us are alone; firming congregation and my such as: “why do people have to grandparents had never been in a know, why can’t you just keep it church where openly gay couples secret?” Or: “Don’t they want kids where holding hands, etc. I know to carry their legacy? They can’t it took them by surprise, particuprocreate.” While I know these are larly after I pointed out our Direcrhetorical and he doesn’t expect tor of Music and his husband. me to answer (and I don’t), the With much of their objections fact that he is thinking about it being church-based, I know that and letting me know he is, is a seeing LGBT people within a new huge step! context laid some seeds within

their minds and just maybe let a little light in. While I realize that not everyone may feel comfortable bringing their extended family to their house of worship (if you have one), everyone has the capacity to do something. We can all be bearers of light to our families this holiday season through worship, conversation, and even by simply being out and present. While it is unreasonable to think that one holiday meal can entirely change a person’s outlook, it is possible to lay the foundation for a continuing conversation. I realize that this can take a considerable amount of courage. It’s courage I didn’t think I had till that phone call. Yet if we look deep within ourselves we will find that even in the darkest of times, there is a spark that resides within us. We simply need to bring it out and permit it to light our path. However, if things in your life appear to be so dark that it is absolutely impossible to find your divine spark, know that there are those of us who are more than willing to shed a little light for you this blessed holiday season. Bear Hugs and Happy Holidays!

When things get tough with your family at the holidays turn to egg-nog. Rum and raw eggs makes everything better!

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Shop Smart - Shop Safe This Holiday Season by Lawrence F. Loesch

being aware of noises and movements and having your keys in your hands, ready to open your vehicle. Be sure to look into the vehicle’s front and rear seat before entering it, and lock your vehicle as soon as you get in.

days, effective security precautions require a conscious awareness of one’s environment virtually every day of the year. Maintain vigilance, common sense and caution to shop smart, and safe, during the holidays and always.

Keep Guard and Windows Up - If someone approaches your vehicle inquiring about diWhere is Waldo or your Wallet and Purse? rections, do not open your door or roll your – While the worldwide search for Waldo may window down. If you have car trouble, rebe fun, the same spirit of joy is missing main in your car and use a cell phone to call when a purse or wallet has gone MIA. Carry for assistance, or return to the mall and noyour handbag or purse close to your body tify security. with the clasp or flap secured and facing toward you. Never leave your purse on a Collect Cash with Care – If your holiday store counter, on the floor in a restroom or in shopping includes a trip to an ATM, be alert a dressing room. for ATM skimmers. Skimmers can be inAs Vice President and General Manager for Maintain Pack Mentality – There is safety stalled on an ATM’s card reader to collect or the New York City Region of the largest in numbers, so shopping with friends when- skim your card information. The thieves can American-owned security officer services ever possible is highly recommended. then use the stolen information to access company and a former NYPD Deputy Chief, I your account. Avoid this by using ATM mahave seen my share of holiday crime. I offer Report Suspicious Activity – Report suspi- chines inside bank lobbies, under video surthe following top 10 tips for a safer shopcious people or situations to mall security. veillance, that are less likely to be ping experience to ensure a joyous holiday Be aware of unusual movements or anyone tampered with. Be sure to shield the keyseason: who gets too close for comfort. board as you enter your PIN and keep your card in your possession. Don’t accept help Strut While You Shop - Thieves and preda- Avoid Parking Lot Isolation – Chockfull of from random people at the ATM and if the tors are on the lookout for body language goodies during the holidays, parking lots machine keeps your card, call your bank that conveys vulnerability. Criminals look for are targeted locations for the theft of valu- immediately. easy marks such as people who are ables from vehicles. Parking in an isolated slouched over, preoccupied or are fumbling area rolls out the welcome mat for crimiWhile criminals and with packages. Walk confidently and be nals, so park near other vehicles or in high predators are alert when you maneuver through crowded pedestrian and vehicle traffic areas. You most prolific malls and parking areas. can also avoid becoming an easy target for during the theft by tucking packages and valuables holiDon’t Shop Till You Drop – While Madison out of sight in your vehicle, and making Avenue may say otherwise, security profes- sure that your windows are closed and doors sionals advise that consumers avoid holiday are locked. shopping fatigue. Keep your shopping bags in your sight at all times, and don’t burden Parking Lot Readiness – Avoid yourself with too many bags or becoming an easy mark packages. in the parking lot by

Lawrence F. Loesch is Vice President/General Manager for AlliedBarton Security Services’ New York City region. Established in 1957, AlliedBarton Security Services is the largest American-owned security officer services company. Loesch served as a Deputy Chief for the NYC Police Department and has held corporate security positions for Credit Suisse First Boston and UBS/Paine Webber. He can be reached at: Larry.Loesch@alliedbarton.com.

With the economy on a turbulent roller coaster ride, more people than ever have credit problems. While these credit problems don’t derail the law-abiding among us, they will likely bring more predatory thieves to our holiday shopping season. “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving, is historically the busiest retail shopping day of the year and what many consider to be the “official” beginning to the holiday season. But as the holiday season gets into full swing, some crooks and predators are celebrating their “holiday cheer” with assorted mayhem, misdeeds and misdemeanors.

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No Flashing – Displaying large sums of cash is a powerful lure to greedy thieves. Use checks or credit cards whenever possible and never leave your credit card on a store counter. While “bling” may be king, avoid wearing visibly expensive jewelry during holiday shopping jaunts.

In Columbus officers no longer come out for car break -ins. You have to report it online or over the phone. I know from 12 personal experiences.

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Did anyone else see that the nutcracker got arrested here in town? Check out a picture on our website.

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MIKEY ROX’S THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO GAY GIFT GIVING JAM SESSION Oprah named Sarabeth’s Legendary Spreadable Fruits one of her top 10 all-time favorite gifts – and ’round here, what Mama O says goes. But it’s no wonder why the daytime diva and her devoted minions think Sarabeth’s preserves are the bees’ knees; the NYC-based Kitchen cuts the fruits by hand to avoid bruising, and each batch is slow-simmered and allowed to thicken until it reaches peak flavor. Certified kosher by the Orthodox Union (Hellooo, Hanukkah!), these awardwinning jams are available by the jar or in no-need-to-wrap gift and sampler boxes. ($10-$32; www.sarabeth.com) BRIEF BELIEFS Piss & Vinegar – the provocative new brand of underwear from Ginch Gonch founder Jason Sutherland – has a heart on. For Jesus. Yes, that Jesus. Made from breathable, body-conforming stretch fabric, the first release from this caustic collection is the “I Love…” line, which features the controversial “I Love Jesus” and “I Love Buddha” briefs, boxer briefs, low-rise briefs and jockstraps. Of course, if you’re not feeling so sacrilegious this holiday season, Piss & Vinegar – which borrows its name from British slang for living young at heart – will also introduce “I Love Boys” and “I Love Girls” briefs. Redeeming, sure. But you’re still on the shortlist for eternal damnation. ($25; www.pissvinegar.com) DIRTY ‘POP’ An homage to the surreality that defines New York City, celebrated pop artist Olan Montgomery’s new pocketsized book, POP - Art inspired by New York’s Own Subcultures from Celebrity to Subway, examines with hypercolor sunglasses the individuals that affectionately rub the Big Apple’s underbelly, including glittering nightlife personalities, gay idols and the fragile homeless. Combining elements of photography and hand painting with poetry and famous quotes, the images contained within the coffeetable tome are digitally manipulated, printed on canvas, then personally stroked with color and rhetoric by the artist himself – all in a neon-hued attempt to answer the question, “Why can’t a nanosecond last forever?” Cultural icons Boy George, Rufus Wainwright, Alan Cumming, Anna Nicole Smith and Amanda Lepore are among those featured. ($59.95-$77.95; www.lipstickchic.com) MERRY-TINIS With flavor infusions like Pomegranate, Chocolate, Tomato and Triple Shot Espresso, Three Olives Vodka is quickly gaining a reputation as the

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gourmand’s drink of choice. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a food and beverage snob to get your hands on a bottle. For less than a Jackson (Andrew, not Tito), you can snag 750 ml of the smooth stuff to give as a gift to the host of your next holiday party. Extra points for playing guest bartender with this Ho-Ho-Hojito recipe: Muddle 10 mint leaves and half a lime in a tall cocktail glass. Pour in two tablespoons of simple syrup and fill the glass with ice. Add two ounces of Three Olives Pomegranate Vodka (and a dash more for good measure) and top it off with club soda. Garnish with a mint sprig and lime, and voila! Just don’t overdo it, OK. Remember what happened last year? ($19.99; www.threeolives.com) A HIGHER ‘SCORE’ In season two of “Keeping Score” – the national project of the San Francisco Symphony to make classical music more accessible to the masses – three new programs explore the music and stories behind Hector Berlioz’s symphonic love letter “Symphonie fantastique”; Charles Ives’ sonic portrait of New England with “Holidays Symphony”; and Dmitri Shostakovich’s “Symphony No. 5,” a work that may have saved the composer’s life. This high-def, three-disc documentary program – a follow-up to season one of the series, which premiered on PBS in November 2006 – is packaged with two concert tapings and available on Blu-Ray. ($24.99 each; www.keepingscore.org) FLY PINK SKIES Like you need a reason to jet off to a faraway land – but at least this is a good one. Now through the end of the year, when you purchase an American Airlines gift card you’ll join the fight against breast cancer. For every $50 you spend in travel gift cards, American Airlines will donate $5 to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. You can purchase physical cards for yourself (to enjoy a guilt-free getaway), or choose virtual cards to be delivered by e-mail with a personal message attached. Just enter code “Komen” in the tracking box when ordering online. ($50; www.aa.com/komen) SONIC COLOR Built on the concept of technology meeting style, DEOS introduces two collections of innovative iPod earphone covers available at all price levels. The first, DEOS DIAMOND – for those who have more cash than they can shake a peppermint stick at – consists of three distinct earphone cover styles specifically named for the number of individual diamonds imbedded in each

traditional or black titanium design. DEOS CRVZ – for more budget-conscious consumers – boasts three collections: Crystal, featuring Swarovski bedazzlements; Aluminum, available in an array of metallic colors; and Silicone, designed with active lifestyles in mind. ($9.99 and up; www.deosgroup.com) ‘STRiDA’ RITE Give your hooves a rest with the STRiDA collapsible bike, the first completely new bicycle geometry in 95 years. Inside a foldable triangular frame of lightweight aluminum, power is transferred to the rear wheel via a silent Kevlar belt (no oily gears or chains!) while horizontally mounted handlebars allow the rider to sit comfortably upright for an excellent view of the road. When you’re ready to hop off, just fold STRiDA up and wheel it to your next destination. In compact form, the bike stows easily in a car, on the train, or in the closet. Just like you used to. ($800; www.shoprenaissance.com) JESUS JUICE Treat the oenophiles on your list to the gift that keeps on giving with monthly deliveries from the Wine Every Month Club. Recipients will enjoy new, noteworthy discoveries from wine regions around the world – including Australia, France, Italy, the United States and more. Each bottle arrives with an informative description of the selection as well as seasonal tips and recipes. And just for you – our loyal reader – the Wine Every Month Club is offering an additional month of free wine when you order by phone and mention discount code “ROX.” Six and 12-month subscriptions are available. ($90-$1,000; 212.787.1700) BAR STARS A perfect pairing to the Wine Every Month Club, Germany-based Blomus Designs’ corkscrew and decanting funnel will add a modern, sophisticated touch to any home bar. Made of sleek, stainless steel – and available exclusively from the San Francisco Museum of Craft+Design Museum Store – these inspired, affordable gifts aim to impress the foodies and wine connoisseurs in your life without depressing your pockets. All proceeds will support SFMC+D exhibitions and educational programs. ($26-$29; 877.487.3623) MAN UP Trouble attracting potential suitors? No sweat. Or maybe it is. Cover up your natural repellent with Masculinity by Intense, a new fragrance from N10Z that’s formulated with a unique maleto-male pheromone. Featuring a re-

outlook is doing our big gift guide giveaway too. Come to Network Columbus for your chance to win gifts featured here, including Band Hero!

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This holiday season, make a donation to your favorite charity. You can find a list of local charities at centralohio.bbb.org

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dec 2009

If you like the CGMC, then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll love a chance to win tickets to their concert. Register online at www.outlookcolumbus.com/win.html

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fined composition of exotic spices, aromatic herbs and crisp citrus, Masculinity opens with notes of French basil, West Indian clove, Asian mandarin and Sicilian bergamot followed by hints of amber, cedarwood, black pepper and leather. Holy Hugh Jackman! Designed to stimulate the vomeronasal organ (among other “organs”), this sensual scent also is said to help improve self-confidence. Whatever works. ($55; www.10percent.com) WAKE UP Want to make a difference? “I’m Tired of...” bracelets cost just $10 each and half the sale ($5) is donated to charities that support one of 16 important world causes, from hunger, discrimination, global warming and animal cruelty to cancer, diabetes, AIDS and autism. They are eco friendly, made from recycled tires and metals. You can be as cool as celebrities Daryl Hannah, Jenny McCarthy and Kim Kardashian who have been wearing them. (www.ImTiredOnline.com) HELLO KITTY Hello Kitty® Balloon MIMOBOT® is taking to the sky with her birthday bear balloon! It’s her 35th anniversary. To celebrate the Hello Kitty Balloon MIMOBOT was released. It’s a hi-speed USB 2.0, Mac/PC compatible, that is preloaded with wallpapers, icons, and screensavers, and is available in 2GB ($24.95), 4GB ($34.95), and 8GB ($49.95) capacities. (www.mimoco.com) WANT TO BE MY GROUPIE? The most popular bands from yesterday and today will be coming to living rooms this Fall as Activision Publishing, Inc.’s Band Hero™ delivers the most exciting and accessible music collection ever assembled for the entire family. The game’s set list is packed with No. 1 hits, including Jackson 5’s “ABC,” Don McLean’s “American Pie,” KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and the outlookcolumbus.com

Cherry Tree,” The Turtles’ “Happy Together” and Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Music fans will enjoy all of the critically-acclaimed innovations from Guitar Hero® 5, such as Party Play, RockFest and various Nintendo exclusive modes, in the most social music gaming experience ever as they strum, drum and sing along to their favorite, popular tunes as a full band with any combination of four singers, guitarists, bassists and drummers or simply sing together in the allnew karaoke-style Sing-Along Mode. (www.bandhero.com; $39.99-$199.99)

Kristine W: The Ultimate Music Video Collection, a two-disc DVD, comes packed with a decade of the diva’s biggest hits, including “Save My Soul” and “The Boss.”

escorts and boyfriends for hire. This year’s eye candy includes Nick Capra, Josh Hart, Arpad Miklos and Tommy Defendi. ($15.95; www.rentboy.com)

The Judy Garland Holiday Special - Enjoy the festivities and joys of the holidays with the inimitable Judy Garland in this special 1963 Christmas television show classic. Joined by Jack Jones, Liza Minnelli, Lorna Luft, Joey Luft, Mel Tormé and Tracy Everitt, Judy brings a shine to the season not seen since!

Elegant cross-hatched drawings and vivid paintings of the Hawaiian male nudes are featured in the Douglas Simonson 2010 calendar. The “arty-est” of all the calendars for sure. ($14.95; www.douglassimonson.com)

STOCKING STUFFERS

BOOKS Author, Mike Pingel has taken his passion for 70s TV with his new book: The Brady Bunch: Super Groovy After All These Year. The book includes new interviews with actors, Ann B. Davis, Susan Olsen, Robbie Rist, Geri Reischl and producers, Sherwood Schwartz, Lloyd Schwartz, plus so much more. Plus foreword written by Dallas star & Brady Bunch fan Charlene Tilton (“Dallas”). (Amazon.com; $19.99)

CDS Club Christmas 3, from D1 Music producers Peter McLean and Keith Kemper, features uplifting, instrumental dance-floor versions of beloved holiday classics like “Away in a Manger,” “O Come, All Ye Faithful,” and a neverheard-before remix of New Year’s staple “Auld Lang Syne.” Turn the disc merrily on high after dinner and watch grandma get down. (TBA; releases Nov. 25) Let Freedom Sing (Time Life) – Powerful 3-disc set that is the audio companion to the criticallyacclaimed documentary, it includes songs that were drawn upon during and were influenced by the Civil Rights Movement with an introduction written by Chuck D. DVDS Make the Yuletide Gay, the sugar-cookie-sweet new rom-com from writer-director Rob Williams (“3-Day Weekend”), follows Olaf “Gunn” Gunnunderson (Keith Jordan) home for the holidays as he trades his out-and-proud college persona for an in-the-closet existence with his parents. But as Christmas approaches, he gets a surprise he never expected – his boyfriend … on his doorstep. ($19.99; www.tlavideoa.com)

Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Story Behind the Song features the exclusive personal stories behind 101 of your favorite songs including Barry Manilow’s “One Voice”, Christine Aguilera’s “Fighter” and Boyz II Men& Mariah Carey’s “One Sweet Day.” ($14.95) CALENDARS Out bodybuilder and former Colt supermodel Bo Dixon releases his first self-titled calendar, BO DIXON: Reinvented 2010. Celebrating the power of perseverance, this muscle-worship date keeper features the hirsute powerhouse in fourteen all-new photos and comes with a “makingof” DVD. ($16.95; www.bodixon.net) “Money can’t buy you love, but the rest is negotiable…” That’s the tagline of The Working Men of Rentboy.com 2010, the Web site’s thirdannual calendar honoring its hottest porn stars,

COMMUNITY Start your holiday season off right with a Columbus Gay Men’s Chorus concert, Joy. Five shows in two weeks will have you joyful and bright. Falalalalalalalala. Dec 4, 5, 12; $20. A Stonewall Columbus family membership is the perfect way to support the community and get membership privileges too. $60 will get your family discounted classes and two sets of dog tags to get you into Pride free. (www.stonewallcolumbus.org/membership) THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO GAY GIFT GIVING GIVEAWAY! Become a fan of Paper Rox Scissors on Facebook for your chance to win a gift basket overflowing with many of the items featured in Mikey Rox’s The Ultimate Guide to Gay Gift Giving. Prizes include a $50 gift card from American Airlines, Three Olives vodka, “I Love Jesus” briefs from Piss & Vinegar, “Make the Yuletide Gay” on DVD, Blomus Designs’ bar accessories and much more! Must be age 21 or older and have a continental U.S. mailing address to enter; see the Paper Rox Scissors fan page on Facebook for additional details. Contest ends Dec. 16. Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist/writer and the principal of Paper Rox Scissors, a copywriting and creative consulting company in New York City. Find him at www.paperroxscissors.com.

Are gift cards really gifts? They make up $180 billion in consumer sales, but do they say I thought about you or I’m lazy?

dec 2009

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Harmony for the Holidays by Gregg Shapiro The product of “a shared passion for offering, hope, religion and unification through music,” Higher & Higher (Sojourn), finds Neshama Carlebach collaborating with the Green Pastures Baptist Choir. Carlebach’s father, the late Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach, has been described as the “father of Jewish music” and wrote eight of the nine songs on the album. The combination of the traditional sounding contemporary Jewish music compositions with the fervor and energy of the choir succeeds in giving the material a universal quality. Whatever your affiliation, it’s almost impossible not to be moved by (and feel like testifying to) tracks such as “Esso Ennai,” “Ata” and “Kiva Moed.”

Oh Blue Christmas (Virgin) opens with an equally distinguished rendition of the popular “Blue Christmas.” AFF’s Alison Sudol performs one of the most chilling readings of “Winter Wonderland” and then goes on to deconstruct Vince Guaraldi and Lee Mendelson’s Peanuts holiday classic “Christmas Time Is Here.” The three remaining tracks, “Red Ribbon Foxes,” “Wish You Well” and the bouncy “Winter White” (with its “happy goddamn new year” greeting) are Sudol originals and welcome additions to the holiday songbook.

Considered by many to be the ultimate pop music Christmas album, the various artists recording A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector (Phil Spector Records/Legacy) stands the test of time. The CD reissue, originally reOn their eponymous JDub disc, Girls in Trouble leased on vinyl more than 45 years ago, feaposes the musical question, “what if the girls tures Spector’s stable of acts, including in the bible started an indie rock band?,” and Darlene Love, The Ronettes, The Crystals and then proceeds to answer it over the course of Bob B, Soxx and The Blue Jeans, performing a 10 songs. “Haunted and moved by the sex, the number of familiar holiday favorites enveloped violence and the twisted HBO-worthy drama” in his trademark “wall of sound.” of the Old Testament, Alicia Jo Rabins, frontwoman of Girls in Trouble, transformed the Ubiquitous country duo Sugarland has only tales into tunes that transcend religious iden- been at it since 2004 with three studio albums tity. Standouts include “Secrets/You’re Always to their name. But this year not only found Watching,” “Marble Floor,” “I Was a Desert,” them releasing their first live recording, but “Where You Go,” and the gorgeous instrumen- also their first holiday album. Gold and Green tals “I Fell Off a Camel” and “A Lion at Rest.” (Mercury) doesn’t stray far from Sugarland’s trademark sound on a set that is equal parts Girls in Trouble aren’t the only indie rock act to standards and traditionals and originals. turn to the pages of the bible for inspiration. The Life of the World to Come (4AD) by The Recorded in New Jersey, Suckin’ It for the HoliMountain Goats has its roots in a similar days (Music With A Twist), Kathy Griffin’s “holiplace. “An immersion in Biblical poetry and day CD,” is a chance to “celebrate a lot of dick imagery,” the titles of the dozen songs on “The jokes” on “Kwanzaa, Navidad, Christmas and Life of the World to Come” are drawn from the all those other holidays,” with one of the bible verses that served as inspiration, from world’s busiest comedy legends. Of course, both the Old and New Testament. Higher-pow- Griffith readily admits that after that joke, the ered highlights include “Psalms 40:2,” “Gene- CD has nothing to do with the holidays. An exsis 3:23,” “Genesis 30:3,” “Romans 10:9,” “1 cuse to dress like a slutty Mrs. Clause on the John 4:16,” “Deuteronomy 2:10” and “Isaiah cover, Griffith regales us with the usual array 45:23.” of gay-themed material including her mother marching at anti-Prop. 8 rally, jokes about, The various artists holiday music compilation Suze Orman, Oprah and Gayle, and more. A Blackheart Christmas (Blackheart Records) opens with queer band Girl in a Coma’s disOriginally performed by Sounds of Blackness, tinctive cover of “Blue Christmas.” The trio the uplifting “Optimistic” opens The Gift of also performs a rendition of “I’ll be Home for Love (Shanachie), a pleasant musical collaboChristmas.” Blackheart matriarch Joan Jett ration between singer/actress/disco diva and her band the Blackhearts do “The Little Melba Moore and Phil Perry. The 11 selections Drummer Boy,” and Blackheart bands includ- strike a balance between inspirational pop ing The Dollyrots, The Cute Lepers and The Va- classics (“I Believe,” Ashford & Simpson’s cancies, among others, contribute to the “You’re All I Need to Get By” and “Ain’t Nothing holiday spirit. Like the Real Thing” and Stevie Wonder’s “Weakness”) and flat out inspirational music Available exclusively at Target, A Fine Frenzy’s (“It Will Be Alright,” “Survival Kit” and “We’ll

dec 2009

Be Together, Then”), and Moore and Perry are in possession of voices that inspire an emotional response.

versions of instantly recognizable Christmas tunes performed by Martin Sexton, Leon Redbone, Deana Carter, Sam Bush, Kate Rusby and The Christmas Jug Band featuring Angela Neil Diamond doesn’t abandon his roots enStrehli and Maria Muldaur. A Christmas Story: tirely on A Cherry Cherry Christmas (ColumMusic from the Motion Picture (TCM/Rhino bia). He has a rip-roaring good time with Adam Movie Music), the never before available Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song.” Speaking of soundtrack to the late Bob Clark’s contemporoots, the self-referential title tune weaves rary 1983 holiday classic A Christmas Story lines from and names of some of Diamond’s can now be yours to have and hold. beloved gems into the song. There is also the pleasant “Christmas Dream.” The remaining Earlier this year, Ben Folds released the Universelections are culled from Diamond’s previous sity A Cappella! disc on which 16 of his songs Christmas recordings. were performed by collegiate a cappella choirs from around the country (with a couple also In 1961, just a few years after “nice” Jewish featuring Folds himself). Ray Davies, the legfella Eddie Fisher (who later married and diendary front-man of The Kinks, follows suit vorced Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor) with The Kinks Choral Collection (Decca). had a hit with the Yiddish flavored “Oh! My Davies, joined by the Crouch End Festival ChoPa-pa” and around the time that Connie Fran- rus, reimagines 15 Kinks tunes in choral setcis (of Italian heritage) had a minor hit with tings. A testament to the material, songs such “Tzena Tzena” from her “Sings Jewish Faas “Days,” “Waterloo Sunset,” “You Really Got vorites” album, Mazel Tov, Mis Amigos, credMe,” “Shangri-La,” “Celluloid Heroes,” as well ited to Juan Calle and his Latin Lanzmen as the six song suite from “Village Green arrived. Released on the highly regarded River- Preservation Society,” make the transition with side Records jazz label, it is newly reissued on ease, sounding as if they were always intended CD by Idelsohn Society. “Yiddish favorites in to be performed in this manner. Latin tempos,” the 11 tracks not only remind us of the Borscht belt state of mind of that time (see comedic singer Allan Sherman, who followed in 1962), but also of the Latin music craze that would come (see Herb Alpert, who also followed in 1962). Nevertheless, you will probably never listen to “Havah Negilah” (done Cha-Cha style), “Papirossen” (done mambo) or “Bei Mir Bist Du Shein” (done merengue) the same way again. This presents a good opportunity to mention “A Fine Romance: Jewish Songwriters, American Songs” (Nextbook/Schocken, 2009) by David Lehman (editor of The Best American Poetry series), in which the contributions of Jews to the “formation of the American songbook” is closely examined. Kevin Keolbl puts a theatrical cabaret spin on 14 songs of the season on his disc This Is Christmas Time (LML Music). The most uncommon of the selections is “The Little Drummer Boy,” which places more than the usual emphasis on the drums, while “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” is as warm as a fireplace. Irish tenor and Riverdancer Michael Londra celebrates the season with Beyond the Star (concernusa.org) on which he applies his distinctive vocals to 10 holiday numbers. The sanitized various artists collection A Family Christmas (Putumayo) lives up to its name

Sitting in a sauna is like a Christmas song. Chest. Nuts. Roasting.

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Business card ads are the most affordable way to get your business in front of outlook readers. Call Chad today to get one - 614.268.8525.

dec 2009

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by Marcus Morris photo by John Danner I hate Christmas. I dislike most of the things associated with the holidays. I do not like massive family gatherings, going broke to buy people things they hate, religion, and gaining weight. I can be a slight Scrooge. I wish I could say “Bah Humbug” with a straight face. Or a gayface for that matter. I just do not like the idea of doing things that drive you crazy because it’s the “holidays.” So, for Outlook’s Holiday issue, I tried to think of what I could do to contribute and not seem like a bitch. I didn’t want to make fun of Santa’s wardrobe, or complain about the weather. Since this column tries to dissect clothes, I figured I should do a gift guide again. Then I realized that I would much rather shop for myself than anybody else. Then I decided this might be the best idea for a column: Instead of getting the fucking Snuggie, or a load of crappy body sprays and lotions, I say make a wish list, and hand it to your family and friends. It’s sort of like a Bridal Registry. They can choose things in their price range for you, and you can avoid getting a cheap picture frame, or clothes that you despise.

All I Want for Christmas…

In the holiday spirit, I am making my own Wish List. It will contain all of the things I have secretly been coveting, and would love to have. The best part is that you do not have to leave the gayborhood to buy them. Everything is located between Russell and Hubbard. This may be a thinly veiled way to get everything I want for Christmas, as well as a really great way to keep our community shopping in our neighborhood. The people who own these shops are more than happy to see your faces, and offer a distinct lack of suburbia. You can’t get that at Easton! My first stop is at Alexander’s Jewelers. I went in with the intention of checking out their selection of pre-owned Rolex watches, but found out that I could design my own piece of jewelry, and got way more interested in having a custom-made piece. In my dream world, I could afford to make a sweet piece of jewelry that was one of a kind. It would be great to have a white gold pendant in the shape of a lobster, and Alexander’s would be the place that I could explore the option. I love anything with a lobster, and for those who have me in the exchange, jewelry is always nice. I cross the street for a gin and tonic lunch at The Short North Tavern, and then decide to sweep into Jeni’s for my next gift item. What else can you say about Jeni’s other than it is great? I would like a pint of Gravel Road in my freezer as a gift because there is not a better ice cream to me in this world. I have never done crack, but I imagine that it is similar. I also recommend it as a gift, if you decide to be a giver this year. For $70, you can ship 6 pints to someone. I am saying this also in case I ever leave the Short North. I expect a package with a few pints of Gravel Road, Wildberry Lavender, and the awesome Pistachio. We all scream for this shit. After sampling the entire selection at Jeni’s, I stopped into Rowe with a clear focus. Hunter

dec 2009

We cannot get the “muffin-top” image out of our heads. Thanks, Marcus!

Wellie socks. I got my Hunter boots as an anniversary gift from my husband. They are impossibly chic. They first caught my eye in Rowe, and owner Maren Roth convinced me that life would not be worth living without a pair. She also has the best handbags in the Short North. I am really glad they have focused on womenswear because they really have great pieces for a fashionable Columbus girl. But back to me, I like the Hunter Wellie socks. They are $34, and I want them in Red, Hunter, Charcoal, and Navy. Buy yourself a bag, and grab socks for me. It’s easy. Torso, the neighborhood institution, remains the best place to get good underwear. I am a basic underwear kind of guy, but have been exploring the idea of switching in some pieces that are not just meant to keep my balls from my leg. Plus, my husband wants to see me in something that doesn’t look like I have owned it for 10 years. I really like the Andrew Christian jock strap. I really LOVE it actually. I prefer it in navy, and bought it on the premise that it is a “no muffin-top” jock strap. I quit smoking recently, and put on ten pounds. I am all about camouflaging weight gain, which is hard to do in a jock strap. In this jock strap, you can eat a doughnut. They are also comfortable, though you hope to take it off in a relatively short time. Best of all, I felt good in them. Which, ten pounds up, I have not been feeling. You can also throw in a bottle of lube for a fun accessory you can never have too much. Before I headed home, I decide to stop into Sole Classics and check out a few shoes. I have recently been testing the waters, and think I need to explore a shoe outside of Converse. I mean, they are classic, but sometimes you need to switch it up. At Sole Classics I found some ridiculous looking Nike Dunks, and I fell in love. There were alien colors everywhere, and plenty of idiosyncratic shoes. I seriously wanted 6 pairs of shoes, which is rare. I usually only covet leather shoes from Ferragamo. I also liked the Nike sportswear, which made me think of the appallingly loud clothes I wore in 3rd grade. I would like to believe I could go retro in shoes, but I will leave the Dday Gglo sportswear to the ghost of Flo-Jo. My final stop was Tigertree. Owner Josh Quinn dresses like an Englishman. It’s never plain, never perfect, and he always has a slight detail that sets his look off. If there is an inspiration to the neighborhood in terms of how a man should dress, I nominate him. It’s not that he is a model, and looks great in everything, but that he has character in his clothes, which makes me want to shop in his store. Tigertree has a great range of items for every guy and girl, and a short belted trench from Obey Propaganda for $105 that I wanted to sell myself for. I also love the Skagen watches they carry. I look forward to checking my wrist. Hint, hint. This list was fun to make, but I am looking for more than just gifts. I just want some peace. Not in the Middle East, but during the holidays. I would like to snuggle up with my awesome husband, watch A Christmas Story, and try to avoid the chaos of being home for the holidays.

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What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt? You're shocking!

dec 2009

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Yosick’s, Gurllll “Yosick’s, Gurllll” As I sat in my living room admiring my Christmas tree and finishing my morning coffee, my phone rang. The Yakety Sax ringtone signaled that the caller was none other than the infamous Jean Skort, reigning Queen of Columbus drag. I considered not answering for a moment, but my good upbringing forced me to reluctantly accept the call.

fore I could speak, Jean spotted the infamous Coco Marie Love Punasty Fontaine Vasquez Rollins Manchester Von Schaffelhund, Columbus’ leading Delta Burke impersonator. Jean stood and quickly made her way over to the ageing but still-impressive Hurricain. They hugged, and chatting for a moment, which all seemed very normal, until, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a strange flash of metal. When Jean returned to the table, a large cranberry scone in one hand, she was noticeably pale.

“Hello” I said, sounding a little defeated. “Caller, have you seen the movie Food, Inc.?” Jean asked, not bothering to say hello. “I have not, Jean.” “You must. Me and Foxy Bagels just finished it, and we’re disgusted. Both of us have decided the only way to keep corporate America from poisoning us with E. Coli is to keep Kosher.” “Uh huh” I said as I feigned interest and flipped through a magazine. “Girl, put on your knickers, we’re picking you up in five and we’re heading to this Kosher place in German Village. They have chocolate and pastries, and quiche, and everything one might need to live. Plus they’ve got chocolate macaroons, and you know Foxy and her macaroons. See you in five! ” I began to respond, but quickly realized that Jean had ended the call and was on her way to my home.

“Don’t you think you should see a doctor?,” I asked as I bit into a large and savory tomato-basil-mozzarella scone, my tone somewhere between disbelief and concern. “Of course not, silly. Duct tape fixes everything, and I don’t think I could tear myself away from these delicious sweet cheese croissants!? And at $2.50 each, I’d be a fool not to have another!,” said Jean as she stood, and stumbled toward the well-appointed counter.

“Caller, this quiche is divine! Each bite is like a small kosher explosion in my mouth. On an unrelated topic, let’s ski Kilimanjaro. We’ll have Yosick’s make an eight inch round chocolate cake with buttercream frosting, and we’ll eat it at the bottom to celebrate!,” said Jean, the remnants of last night’s drag all over her face.

“Bath house, girl. We’re taking them there and using them to attract gentlemen callers. Foxy likes for gents to find a treat in her peach.”

“Oooh, you’re a sourpussy today. Here, eat this spice cookie, then you’ll be right as rain,” said Jean, pushing the cookie into my face. I began to protest, but be-

dec 2009

“Duct tape, mon frere, isn’t just for dick taping and fixing a hippie’s automobile,” said Jean as she replaced her top, and threw the duct tape roll haphazardly back into her bag.

Less than an hour later I found myself sitting in Yosicks Artisan Chocolates, Jean to my left, Foxy Bagels to my right, and an enormous amount of food in front of us. Jean had ordered one of everything on the menu, and was working her way through the pile of kosher delights with the determination of an Olympic figure skater. Foxy was, as always, silent. She mumbled occasionally, but the white noise that was her chewing was her major contribution to the conversation. Jean, on the other hand, wouldn’t shut up. Between bites of fragrant spinach and cheddar quiche, and the occasional apricot rugelach interruption, she spoke on what seemed like ten-thousand topics.

“You can’t ski Kilimanjaro, Jean. The bottom half is solid rock, and there’s no place to stop off and have cake. It’s Tanzania.”

“I think she just stabbed me. She always does that - I don’t even think she knows she’s doing it,” said Jean nonchalantly as she sat and began to fumble through her large tote, grunting loudly. After a few moments of frantic searching, her hand emerged from the bag clutching a large roll of duct tape. She immediately removed her top, and using her hands, probed around until she found the offending wound. She reached for several rugelach, and began stuffing them into the wound. From here she worked quickly, wrapping the duct tape around her body, cinching her waist, and stopping the small but steady flow of blood. Customers began to notice.

When she returned, she had several cheese croissants, and what looked like twenty pounds of artisan chocolates. “What the hell are you going to do with all that chocolate?,” I asked, pleased in stomach but not in mind.

At this, Foxy nodded vigorously. Sighing, I bite into a chocolate biscotini and tried to let its deliciousness erase the image of a chocolate delight nesting in Foxy’s peach and the person who might be regaled in finding it there. Yosick's Artisan Chocolates is at 539 South Fifth St, 43206, 614.223.9575, yosicks.com.

When girls have their period and are craving chocolate, are they really craving cocoa or cocaine?

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This might be a little off subject, but does anyone know exactly where the new casino is going to be?

dec 2009

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DUMBLEDORE’S BOYFRIEND IS A VAMPIRE

gala), the trash-talking redhead might have had research – not just photo-ops for once – on her mind. Turns out Griffin will You don’t know Jamie Campbell-Bower yet. be playing a lesbian activist on an upcomBut you will, and soon, especially if you’re ing episode of Law & Order: Special Vica rabid Twilight or Harry Potter enthusiast. tims Unit. The Emmy-winner is no stranger Bower co-stars, however briefly, in New to episodic TV, but her appearance on SVU Moon as Caius, leader of the Volturi. will mark the first time in quite a while What’s that, you ask? Well, the Volturi are a where she’s appeared on a network series powerful coven of vampires who figure playing a character other than herself. So prominently in the upcoming films, and yeah, the queen of all gay-adjacent media Campbell-Bower is on board as their plays a gay lady herself, and it’s another shocking-white-haired leader. Between excuse to watch Chris Meloni for an hour. those shoots he’ll hop on one of those wiz- This win-win situation airs on Feb. 10. ard broom things and fly on over to Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows where, in GORAN VISNJIC IN LOVE, JUST NOT WITH flashback, he’ll portray Gellert Grindelwald, EWAN young Dumbledore’s closest friend and subtext-heavy (now that J.K. Rowling has Former ER crush – and the world’s most outed the beloved character) lover. It can famous Croatian actor – Goran Visnjic has be assumed that the young actor isn’t es- joined the cast of Beginners, the indie pecially worried about getting typecast in drama currently in production from writerfantasy-themed spectacles. But if he does director Mike Mills (Thumbsucker). It stars wind up unhappy with that fate, he can al- Ewan McGregor and Christopher Plummer ways dry his tears with money. and early reports are that Plummer plays a man who comes out of a lifelong closet KATHY GRIFFIN: SPECIAL LESBIAN after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. The role of Plummer’s new, younger When comedian Kathy Griffin recently took admirer falls to Visnjic, with McGregor lesbian finance whiz Suze Orman as her playing Plummer’s shocked son. So while date to the Gracie Awards (American this may annoy McGregor’s gay following – Women in Radio in Television’s annual his career to date as been marked by a

well-documented, enthusiastic willingness to have an on-screen love scene with either gender – there will be no make-out moments between him and Visnjic. Fans of intergenerational romance, however, may now have a date movie to call their own. IN THE PIPELINE: ROCK AND T Two new projects, one definitively queer and one simply featuring men in tight, acid-wash jeans, are headed to screens big and bigger. Actor-writer Dan Futterman (The Birdcage, Capote) and his wife Anya Epstein are aiming their pilot T (as in testosterone injections) in HBO’s direction. Based on a story first heard on the radio program This American Life, the half-hour drama will center on a woman who transitions to male. Meanwhile, Rock of Ages, Broadway’s goofy hair-metal extravaganza, is coming to the big screen under the direction of Hairspray’s choreographerdirector Adam Shankman (currently seen as a judge on So You Think You Can Dance). Finally, all that guyliner and styling gel will get the proper context. Neither project has a cast yet. Stay tuned here for more details.

Romeo San Vicente has T to spare. He can be reached care of this publication or at DeepInsideHollywood@qsyndicate.com.

Shank by Adam Lippe Opening with a coke-filled clandestine internet hook-up in the woods, quickly followed up with a painful headbutt, Simon Pearce’s Shank successfully treads the line between sweet romance, gay soft-core porn, gang violence, and aimless exploitation. The combination of all of these elements is the only way the movie is unique, otherwise it’s just a coming-out story where the lead character, Cal (played by Wayne Virgo), is a closeted British gang member with intimacy problems.

dec 2009

A dead ringer for a paler, teenage version of Martin Lawrence, Cal goes about his adult-free days smoking weed, jumping queers, and finding anonymous bareback partners who can videotape him servicing them. His fellow gang members obviously don’t have a clue about the last part (though there’s plenty of shirtless homoerotic bonding with Cal and his best friend) otherwise he’d be first in line for a beating. First-time director Pearce owes a lot to Larry Clark’s Kids, as Shank is basically the same movie, but [well] shot on video, with a few more savage attacks and considerably less HIV. Cal’s boyfriend, Olivier, a French exchange student, looks like a skinnier Telly from Kids. Well, if you mixed Telly with E.T. Their love story is convincing only from Cal’s perspective, he’s needy,

lonely, and scared, but Olivier has little to no reason to embrace this thug, especially since he was on the receiving end of one of the gang’s attacks (an interesting meet - cute though). Since Cal is realistically stupid, as are most of the other characters, condemning his point-ofview isn’t easy, so we watch Shank from a distance, waiting for the eventual car wreck of gay bashing and emotional confusion to pile up. Pearce loses his way by the third act as the movie attempts to literally rub your nose in its grime and intensity. The film goes off into ridiculous melodrama-land where there are apparently only 7 people in the world, and they’ve either been beaten up by or had sex with Cal. Obviously these soap opera contrivances dis-

solve the interest that had been built up by Cal’s self-discovery and his romanticizing of his relationship with Olivier. But while Shank is certainly a mess (it has nowhere near the insight into British gangs as Shane Meadows’ This is England), it isn’t boring, and Pearce should be congratulated for hiring actors who were not only effective, but handled the graphic sex scenes quite well. The fact that his movie is all over the place is hardly an anomaly for a first film, and hopefully next time, much like Cal, instead of trying to cram everything in, he can just relax and enjoy himself. Shank will be released by TLA Releasing on December 8th on DVD. If you’d like to read more of Adam’s reviews you can find them on RegrettableSincerity.com or find his critic’s page on Rotten Tomatoes.

In prison you can make a shank out of a spoon, or mirror, or plastic combs. They also make alcohol out of fruit that they hide and ferment.

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If you have never been, you should go. It is the best party out there. Nothing better than dancing on the beach in Miami.

dec 2009

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The Holiday Lunchbox Packs Plenty of Holiday Cheer into the Lunch Hour It’s always the same, isn’t it? The Holiday season comes around and things just get crazy. Your evenings become overrun with seasonal parties, last minute shopping and spending time with the relatives who pop in for the weekend despite your best efforts to pretend you’re not home. You want to come to Shadowbox and laugh away some of that Yule-tide stress but the nights are so packed that it just doesn’t look like you’re going to get the chance.

mas party,” said Company Events Director Amy Lay. “Not only do we have a wonderful bistro-style menu but we also offer a variety of banquet options. And since a lot of companies are forced to cut back on spending this holiday season The Holiday Lunchbox is just right for those with limited budgets.”

Shadowbox’s Holiday Lunchbox makes for a great escape from the hectic hustle and bustle of the season. Take an hour away from work, take a break from shopping, Well not to worry because Shadow- or plan your family or office get tobox has a back-up plan for you. gether and lose yourself in the That’s right, December 2nd Shad- great comedy and rock n’ roll owbox will open The Holiday you’ve come to expect from ShadLunchbox, which will run Wednes- owbox. days - Fridays at noon in December at the sketch comedy and rock For parties planning to order off ‘n’ roll club in the Easton Town Shadowbox’s bistro-style menu, Center. give an email address or fax number so that you can pre-order your The Holiday Lunchbox is a 45lunch for faster service. And for minute matinee that is full of sea- parties wanting something a little sonal songs and sketches that are more special, contact Amy Lay at totally different from those prealay@shadowboxcabaret.com for sented in the night show, Holiday information on our banquet and Hoopla. Rounding out the show is party options. the immensely popular closing feature, The Snow Bunnies. These Shadowbox’s Holiday Lunchbox white and silver sequin-clad runs every Wednesday through Fricuties know just how to rock your day at Noon from December 2 world and tickle your... um... funny December 23. Make your reservabone. tions by calling 614.416.7625 or go online to www.shadowbox“The Holiday Lunchbox is the per- cabaret.com. fect place to celebrate your Christ-

Founders Of Center Stage Players To Team Up With Club Diversity For the 2010 Theatre Season, the founders of Center Stage Players (performing in the Short North) will team up with Club Diversity to bring a new concept in theatre to Columbus. Drawing Room Theatre will debut with Godspell in February of 2010.

when a song-writing team had a new show ready for the stage, they would rent a formal living or drawing room, invite potential investors and producers and sing through the songs for the new show. “It still works the same way today, except that it’s usually a theatre that hosts the “We’ve been working on this con- audition” Alan says. cept for quite some time,” says Alan Saunders, Producer. “Wwe That doesn’t mean audiences were just waiting for the right should expect to see a songwritopportunity.” The new concept is ing team performing songs for a called Theme Theatre, which is new show. Alan goes on, “We will very similar to a theme park in be doing full-length productions, which everything revolves around but within the theme of a backa central theme. In the case of ers’ audition. It’s all part of creDrawing Room Theatre, our ating an immersive environment theme is based around a 1930’s to take audiences out of the backers’ audition. In the 1930’s mundane every-day-world every-

dec 2009

day world and allow them to take Doesn’t a “well-versed” audion a different persona during the ence mean actors and acbrief length of a show.” tresses? “Well, yes,” Alan says, “that’s why we will have perThe new company will focus on formances not only on Friday and presenting shows to a wellSaturday but Monday as well. versed theatre audience. “Our Most theatre people are involved selections have been made with shows on weekends and based on an audience that cannot get around to see other knows theatre,” says Alan. performances. By performing on “Shows like Musical of Musicals Mondays, we give them a chance (The Musical) that spoofs fato keep in touch with at least one mous Broadway Composers other theatre company in Central Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Ohio.” Lloyd Webber, and Zombie Prom that spoofs Bye Bye Birdie and The collaboration came about Grease. These shows are enter- because Club Theatre Co., whom taining in their own right, but originally occupied the Club Themuch more entertaining to peo- atre space (above Club Diverple that know the original works sity), is heading into a or shows they are based upon.“ re-structuring restructuring pe-

riod to change their concept. “The space was open, and we had been discussing spinning off another troupe from Center Stage Players for the better part of a year, and it made sense to team up with Club Diversity and expand the theatre offering of Columbus Ohio. The owners of the space have been very gracious and cooperative in accommodating our wishes for this new troupe,” Alan says. More information about Drawing Room Theatre will be available soon with the debut of their website at www.drawingroomtheatre.com. For more information about Center Stage Players or the parent company Backstage Investment Group visit their websites at www.centerstageplayers.com and www.backstageinvestmentgroup.com.

By the time you read the rest of the magazine, there will be 24 bunnies on this page. Hopefully the retarded one isn’t the dominant gene pool.

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Fiinanci Financial nan nciial Fitness… Fiitnesss… No ssit-ups it-ups ups – I p promise! romise!

Molly Molly Ma Marie rie Hough, Hough, CLTC C LTC 8800 Lyra Lyra Drive, Drive, Su Suite ite 680 Columbus, OH Co lu m b u s , O H 43240 43240 www.dfsltd.com www.dfsltd.com

Te Telephone: lephone: 6614.430.8414 1 4 .4 3 0 .8 4 1 4 Ce Cell: ll: 6614.581.4541 1 4 .5 8 1 .4 5 4 1 Fax: Fa x: 614.430.8412 6 1 4 .4 3 0 .8 4 1 2 mhough@dfsltd.com mh ough@dfsltd.com

Mo Molly lly Marie Marie H Hough, ough, In Investment vestment A Advisor dvisor R Representative epresentative Se curities aand nd investment investment advisory advisory sservices ervices offered offered through through Ameritas Ameritas IInvestment nvestment C Securities Corp orp ((AIC). AIC). Me m b er F IN R A , S IPC. AIC AIC and and Dome Dome Financial Financial Services Services Ltd. Ltd. are are not not affiliated. affiliated. Member FINRA, SIPC. Se curities email email address: address: mhough@aicinvest.com mhough@aicinvest.com Securities

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Mollie is lying! She’s a sit-up Nazi. She’s making me do them right now... but hey good abs and good finances ain’t a bad pair.

dec 2009

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dec 2009

All I want for Christmas is a Chihuly chandelier.

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¡LOCA! by Michael Daniels She’s the fierce Puerto Rican queen we all fell in love with on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She is among the new faces of drag_queens that bend gender until it almost breaks, then let it go and watch it slap you in the face. She’s buff, she’s tattooed, and she’s becoming an icon. She’s Nina Flowers. At her only Ohio appearance at Dayton’s Aquarius, I was doubly fortunate – I got to watch Flowers perform her new single, “Loca,” from backstage – my husband, in his alter ego as Noka Davers, was in the show with her. After the show, I caught up with Flowers in her dressing room, where she was gracious and funny. Following is our conversation: Michael Daniels: You’re a successful DJ, and were before Drag Race. [Ed Note: Flowers is now resident DJ at Tracks in Denver, CO, where she calls home.] Is DJing your first love? Nina Flowers: Absolutely. I started making music when I was 12, and was doing music in the clubs in Puerto Rico by the time I was 16. I found drag when I was 19 – I was going to school to become a makeup artist and that’s when I first discovered drag. It’s the best blend of music and makeup. But yes, music is the most important to me. MD: How has being on Drag Race affected your career? NF: It’s opened so many doors. When I first moved to the States to begin my career as an entertainer, when I moved to Denver, it was rough. It was my first time away from home and trying to get a job in the music world was hard. I started performing as a way to get on the inside. Then I heard about Drag Race and I went to the website and signed up. I called my friends in Puerto Rico and they all went crazy – loca! Every day they would all vote for me, and they did campaigns and flyers and promoted me even at Puerto Rico’s PRIDE. I was so happy when I found out I was the top vote getter in the online contest – that got me a spot on the show. And that has meant everything to my career.

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MD: You travel all across the USA. What do you see as the biggest differences in drag in different parts of the country? NF: It’s always different – I’ve gone some places where people seemed more committed to it than in other places. But for me the bigger difference is the evolution of drag through the years. 10 years ago it was all about impersonators – everyone did Cher or Celine or someone. Then it was mostly typical beauty drag, and there’s still a lot of that – a lot of good beauty queens. But I’m happy when people tell me that my kind of drag – the more androgynous, more variety drag – inspires them. It’s good to see the evolution, and I’m proud and honored that I can be a part of that. MD: What’s up next for Nina Flowers? What new projects do you have on tap? NF: My first single, “Loca,” has been released, and is available at www.masterbeat.com. Doing that single has opened so many doors for me to work with other DJs, and to doing guest DJ spots at other places. I’m working toward having my own studio, producing my own music. That is the ultimate. Oh, and I did a cameo appearance in the upcoming film On The Border. It’s about these three friends – two are definitely gay, the third one you’re not sure. At the end, you see me and I’m his date. Guess that gives it away. (She laughs) MD: Loca, tengo que preguntarte eso. Tenemos muchos leadores hispanos de nuestra revista. ¿Qué quieres decir a tus hermanos y hermanas latinos que son miembros de nuestra comunidad? NF: Quiero exhortarlos – invitarlos - que sean auténticos – orgullos de su propia cultura. Y que no importa lo que piensan los demás. For more info on Nina Flowers www.facebook.com/nina.flowers or www.myspace.com/nina_flowers.

We honor Jorge Steven López Mercado who was decapitated, dismembered and his body partially burned in Puerto Rico in what appears to be a hate crime.

dec 2009

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by Dan Savage I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It’s been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this way. I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don’t want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience. Straight Except For One Guy While you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can’t “have you” - i.e., you’re never gonna gay marry him - may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to “save the friendship” - duh - and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

secret with you about gay men: We’re men, real men, just like straight men. We’re good at having sex without getting emotionally attached some of us are a little too good at it - and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men - besides deep-throating - is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al. Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you won’t be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him. I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing it: I enjoy his company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible. But I’m not sure why he’s having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a “masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I am a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not. Confused Over Male Eroticism

I would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this - doing you - for the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys your company, you’re hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it’s typiAll that said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little cally because he’s not romantically attracted to

dec 2009

women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don’t fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight. I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.

sex with a guy myself. I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then, I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests - all positive. How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all? Gay Baby Mama Drama

How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it’s a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you’re counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enorSent From My iPhone mous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be inMy apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a formed of your condition three pregnancy tests moment to contract a sexually transmitted in- ago. fection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you - however brief the Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of blowjob was - had syphilis or chlamydia or her- commitment that coparenting represents. Roger pes or all three, you could’ve contracted any or may be nontraditional in the whole three-waysall of them. You can’t contract an STI from a guy with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional in the who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but what wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You do you think the chances are that a guy who need their input as you make this choice, GBMD. blows strangers he meets online has an STI? And you have choices in addition to abortion or Low? Medium? High? keeping the baby. There’s also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the Go get tested, SFMi. child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adopI’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a re- tion. You can learn more about open adoption lationship with a bisexual woman. She’s al- at www.openadopt.org. ways had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tueswe decided to invite her best friend, “Roger,” day at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net into bed with us. We’ve both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided I wanted to try it, never having had

Um....ICK! Throw that thing away!

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Here is gratuitous imagery.

dec 2009

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d a chl Frye Pau

by Chris Hayes Some might say sanctimonious when they hear the name Chad Paul Frye, others might say ugly girl, drunk or who? But that’s all crap. This month’s local celebrity is nothing more than a lovable kitten. Oh yeah, and a community activist, an entertainer and one hell of a salesman. Chad grew up in Upper Arlington and has the accent to prove it. After graduating from The Wellington School, Frye made his way to the big city via Muskingum College in 2002 where he took the banking industry by storm. After making an appearance at almost every major financial institution in town, Chad found his way into mortgage lending where he excelled until he fell victim to the economic climate and company downsizing. His misfortune became our windfall, however, and in October Mr Frye joined the outlook sales team. He might not sell a lot, but man do we share some giggles. Just kidding, he’s surprisingly awesome at his job, I think mainly due to the fact that he has self-esteem that defies both looks and talent. That’s also probably how he’s managed to bed a majority of the studs in town. (You’re welcome.) Believing in a well-balanced life where he can give as much as he takes, CPF serves on two nonprofit boards in town: The Gay Ohio History Initiative (GOHI), which aims to preserve Ohio gay history and The Richard Frye Foundation, which funds music programs in schools. As he was a history major and has a rock-star dad, they are a perfect fit. To get out from under his father’s Phil-Dirt-and-the-Dozers stardom, Chad took to the stage in 2003. Sherry Dribblelipz debuted in Virgina West’s Road Trip spectacular and became an instant icon. Known best for the drag queen that’s better at eating her hair than learning her lyrics, Sherry stunned crowds with her frightening faces and exposed pubis. You can catch her in the upcoming Miss Peppermint Stick Pageant at Axis Dec 4-6. This Libra in feces rising also believes in a balanced life and so when he’s not busy expanding outlook or painting in black face, he enjoys traveling, cooking and cuddling with his ex-porn-star-pants-wetting-husband Jim. You may yet best know this intellectual Nazi, though, as the economic stimulus package for the food and liquor industry. You’ve probably been bitch slapped by his free speech hooliganism at any of our local watering holes where he tells grand stories while drinking his weight in vodka tonics with two limes. You want a story, buy him one - it’s worth it. The 29 year-old Chad Paul Frye plans to use his newfound local celebrity status to promote the work of fullextension.com, preach the gospel of Fancy Pants and show the world that dandies can be handy. Your hand job awaits!

dec 2009

“Put your wallet away, Sagittarius!”

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Intellectual and technical demands can make it feel as if the Off and on through the next year world is conspiring to make you feel brutish and inept. Sex reSaturn is square to Pluto, signaling profound changes in so- mains an excellent release of ciety and government. As faster tension. Explore new techniques – or just lie back and ask your planets aspect them both we will see opportunities in this cri- partner to take care of you. sis. Venus in Sagittarius shows how to apply new philosophical GEMINI (May 21- June 20): Revalues to greater practical ben- laxing and having fun may seem more trouble than it’s worth, but efit. it is absolutely necessary. Let your sweetheart do all the work. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – Leaving yourself open to surDecember 20): Put your wallet away. It’s generosity of the spirit prises and adventures will do you a world of good. that counts. Friends who want your money are not really your CANCER (June 21- July 22): The friends. Long philosophical chats around a coffee table can only solution to domestic stress be much better than expensive involves real labor. Some exotic tchotchke from a rummage sale nights out. could become the centerpiece of a new look, providing the fun CAPRICORN (December 21 – January 19): It’s a good time to and motivation for otherwise forge ahead in your career and dreary housework. make big changes, but you can LEO (July 23 – August 22): Obbe much too demanding and sessing too hard on details can aggressive, undermining your own best efforts. Pay attention detract from the big picture and to that little voice inside. Media- distract you from normal safety precautions. There is a differtion will help. ence between focus (good!) and AQUARIUS (January 20 – Febru- obsession (bad!). Some playful ary 18): In Greek myth, Cassan- diversion will help you keep perspective. dra’s curse was to see the future – and nobody believed VIRGO (August 23 – September her. Your forebodings may be 22): Everyone’s worried about excessive, but they’re not entirely wrong. Discuss them with money these days; try to keep friends you can count on to help your own worries in perspecyou make better sense of them. tive. Taking time out with your family (or origin or of choice) can help you relax and appreciPISCES (February 19 – March ate what you have. 19): Your capacity as a mover and shaker among your friends LIBRA (September 23 – October is sure to get noticed, but is it the sort of moving and shaking 22): Knowing your place in your family and community is imporyou want to get noticed? Be tant, but probably not as much bold in politics and work, disas you make it out to be. What’s creet in the bedroom, and always keep your sense of humor. bugging you? Talk it over with a sibling or a “sister” over an exotic lunch. ARIES (March 20 – April 19): Work can be overwhelming, and SCORPIO (October 23 – Novemthe demands of relationships don’t help. The stars call for an ber 21): Step away from the exotic, artistic holiday. A foreign plastic! Do not go near that cash register! At least stop and film or art show can offer enough escapism, and perhaps think before spending. When you get worried and dithery, a new insight to put the presfocus on your philosophical valsures into perspective. ues. Remember what’s important. “Retail therapy” is not therapeutic! Jack Fertig, a professional astrologer since 1977 teaches at the International Academy of Astrology www.astrocollege.com. He can be reached for personal or business consultations at www.starjack.com,

Did you know the orginal pride flag had pink and black on it. The represented sex and magic. We need to bring that back!

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I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think the movie 9 1/2 weeks helps with infection rates. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think I ever saw a condom in that food sex scene.

dec 2009

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • outlook’s sponsored events • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • about town • • • • • • • • WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9 LUNCH WITH LESLIE - THIS IS NOT A LESBIAN FILM TITLE Les Wexner @ Athletic Club of Columbus, 136 E. Broad Street, 614.221.3344, accolumbus.com; We could listen to good old Leslie read the dictionary, so instead of telling you what he’ll be discussing, we’ll let you know about the menu: Iceberg Wedge Salad, Pecan-Crusted Chicken Breast, Apple-Raisin Chutney, Mashed Potatoes, Seasonal Vegetables. Eggplant vegetarian option. Delicious! 12p-1:15; $40 general admission. HEALTHY. WEALTHY. DEAD. Thurber Birthday Gala @ The Westin Columbus, 310 South High Street, 614.228.3800, Westincolumbus.com; Ok, so as I fancy myself a funnyman, a man of the funnies, I have to tell you how much I love the Thurber House. They’re favorite subject is humor, and for their annual birthday gala they invited as featured guest Larry Doyle, winner of the 2008 Thurber Prize for American Humor. The gala begins with light hors d’oeuvres and cocktails, followed by dinner with birthday cake to top it off! “Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead.” Mr. Thurber would be proud. 6-9p; $125. FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11 GET LIT Positively Hopeful! A Community Forum @ 6p. This forum will consist of people living with HIV, AIDS Service Providers, Community Activists and Educators who will share their experiences, knowledge and hope with the community. Afterwards, the AIDS Memorial Tree will be illuminated during a special candlelight ceremony and ecumenical liturgy at 7:00 pm; Free! SKAGG DRAG OR SKAGG, DRAG? CAPA presents Skaggs Family Christmas @ The Palace Theatre, 34 W Broad St, 614.469.9850: Virtuoso multi-instrumentalist Ricky Skaggs, celebrated musical clan The Whites, and their families perform Christmas classics and brand new holiday gems, bringing together the love of family and the beauty of song. Now please excuse me as I take some time to look at my vagina in a mirror. Actually, this should be pretty amazing. 8 p; $40, $34.50, $27.50, and $22.50 THEY WENT ROGUE LONG BEFORE A CERTAIN ALASKAN... Royal Renegades Radio City Spectacular @ Wall Street, 144 N High St, 614.464.2800, www.wallstreetnightclub.com: Join the Royal Renegades, Alexis Stevens, Jac McFaggin, Ashley O’Shea, and others as they presumably show us how they spend the holidays. Knowing Ashley, it involves boozin’. 8:30p; $7.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12 IF YOU GET A CHANCE 1) ASK MABSY ABOUT MELVINA SHARPELS, AND 2) BRACE YOURSELF The Mary Ann Brandt Christmas Show @ Wall Street, 144 N High St, 614.464.2800, www.wallstreetnightclub.com: This show is much like Mary Ann’s famous Arlingtonian shrimp cocktail; fresh, never frozen. Join Mabsy, DeMonica Hunter, Dusti Hymen, Betty Cracker, Ashley O’Shea, Andrea Benahoe, Showeena DoMore, Flaggots, and the ageless Joe for this timeless holiday tradition. Bring a change of pants. Dec 13, 19, & 20. Doors 8, show 9; General admission at the door. DIDN’T THAT HOSTEL MOVIE START THIS WAY? Open House @ Junctionview Studios, 889 Williams Ave, www.agora.com: Come visit and see what they do in that there big ugly warehouse. At Junctionview, behind cinderblock and drywall are some of the most creative dynamic artists in Columbus. In John Wayne Gacy’s house, behind cinderblock and drywall...People. Dead People. Subtle difference. Regardless, check it out! From 4p; free! FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18 WE SAID IT ONCE, AND WE’LL SAY IT AGAIN: TIGHTS? NUTS? SOLD. The Nutcracker with the Columbus Ballet Orchestra @ The Ohio Theater, 39 E State St, 614.469.0939: It’s that time again! Sissy boys, prissy girls, costumes, soldiers, bombastic music. It’s like Saddam Husseins Iraq. Don’t miss this adorable holiday tradition! Dec 11, 12, 13, 17, 18, 19, 20, 22, 23! Whew! Call for availability. 2p &7:30p; $29. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24 GIRD YOUR LOINS Last minute shopping @ Easton, ShoNo, EVERYWHERE. Put your nog in a flask, and get to it. Don’t feed the carolers! SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26 THE CRYING GAME Crying, regret and realization @ Your Home. Everything you purchased on Thursday is now 50% cheaper. Congratulations, you’ve just done your part for our economy. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31 AMATUER NIGHT Drinking @ Blazers. Just Blazers. It’s the only place that will be open. Now everyone go there immediately. But seriously, There are a million things happening this night, so check Outlook’s website for updates. Be safe, make good decisions, and no matter what you do, don’t poop in someone’s yard and pretend a dog did it.

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Garrison, Freesia Balls, Hellin Bedd, Sherri Dribblelipz, Eva Stolichnya, Claudia Mann and the very flexible and exceedingly masculine Bootsie, as they TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1 WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU AIDS, MAKE LEMONAIDS. guide you through this gut-wrenching, World AIDS Day @ Everywhere. All levity cutthroat, balls-to-the-wall pageant of pageants. Was the sarcasm subtle aside, take this day to remember those who have moved on, and the millions of enough? Prepare to be impressed. Or is people who continue to live with this terri- that empressed? Dec 4, 5 & 6. Doors at 7p, show at 8p;Tables $40, general adble disease. It’s time to take the lead, mission $8. and work even harder to put an end to HIV/AIDS. Seriously people. CRAFTY Winterfair @ Ohio Craft Museum, 1665 WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2 W. Fifth Avenue, 614/486-7119, I’VE HAD BETTER WOOKIE IN PRISON! ohiocraft.org; Get your craft on, get your Star Wars in Concert @ Nationwide craft on, get your, get your, get your, get Arena, 200 W Nationwide Blvd, your craft on. This is pretty simple; Craft 614.246.2000, www.NationwideArena.com: All your fa- fair at the Ohio Craft Museum. Go. Dec 5, vorite music from the Star Wars saga. It’s 6. 10a. Free! John Williams. You know the drill. In unreSATURDAY, DECEMBER 5 lated news, Chris Hayes just confused the uvula with the epiglottis. That sounds “I DIDN’T KILL THE BITCH!” like an uncomfortable moment in oral sex Holiday Hop @ The Short North! It’s no waiting to happen. Regardless, go to this secret that the Short North likes to have a good time. This is never more obvious concert. Doors at 6 p, concert at 7:30p. than during the December Gallery Hop, $35, $55, $75. affectionately referred to as The Holiday WILL AURORA DRESS HERSELF AS KYLE KLINE AS Hop. Come out and drink some hooch, walk the streets, visit the galleries, tip a AURORA? passing busker, and maybe even purEmployee Turnabout Drag Show @ chase something from a street vendor. Level Dining Lounge, 700 N. High St, 614.754.7111, levelcolumbus.com: I’ve Once during holiday hop I met a man on said it once, and I’ll say it again; Drag is a bicycle trying to sell fake jewelry. When I remarked that the “jewels” looked like inevitable. Come see all of your favorite bartenders as they transform into whoa- something belonging to Samantha Rollins, he responded with “I didn’t kill men, shake their business to disco music, and beg for your tips. We imagine the bitch!” You can’t put a price on that kind of entertainment. 4-10p; free! Aurora will be there, and rumor has it a certain Japanese bartender might make SPEED NETWORKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH his/her triumphant return to the stage. DRUGS, CLAUDIA MANN All proceeds go to CATF! Doors at 10p. Statewide Leadership Summit @ Broad Suggested donation at the door. St. United Methodist Church, 501 East Broad Street, 614.221.4571, broadstreeTHURSDAY, DECEMBER 3 tumc.net; Join your peers from across the state for this important summit on GLBT FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU BLACK affairs. This year’s Summit marks the JESUS... Ujima Theatre Company presents “One passing of the 5-year anniversary of ‘MO’ Christmas” @ Lincoln Theatre 769 Ohio’s enactment of the ban on marriage equality. The day will include special E. Long Street, ujimatheatre.com; This is described as an upbeat, soul-stir- guest speakers, speed networking, lunch, ring story of Ebenezer Scrooge like never a report from Equality Ohio on the past seen before. Keep it in your pants, ladies; year, and a World Cafe style discussion on a marriage in Ohio. 9:30a-4p; free! the “mo” mentioned refers to Motown and not homosexuals. Regardless, I highly suspect this production will be an HOW BIZARRE interesting, innovative, and thoroughly NCMCC Holiday Bazaar @ New Creation entertaining take on an old classic. Plus, MCC Church, 116 Williams Rd: New Creit’s taking place at the Lincoln. Check it ation Metropolitan Community Church is out. Through Dec. 6. Go to having its Fourth Holiday Bazaar. Local Ujimatheatre.com for ticket prices. artists will offer fine art, unique gift items including hand-tied fleece blankets, croFRIDAY, DECEMBER 4 cheted items, holiday decorations, soaps, SOME CHRISTMAS WISHES SHOULDN’T COME TRUE jewelry, fashion items, treats for your four Miss Peppermint Stick Ohio @ @ Axis, legged friends, OSU themed items, and 775 N High St, 614.291.4008, columbus- New Creation’s own cookbooks. 9a-3p; nightlife.com: It’s that time again! Time free. to see your favorite “girls” compete in the VERY prestigious Peppermint Stick Pageant. Join Virginia West, Nina West, Maria ALL MONTH LONG: RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS! HOORAH!

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• • • • • Stylings Emerald and Diamond Snowflake set by Alex = $15,000.00 Emeral City Gown by Oz, Inc = $29.95 Throat Stretching for better swallowing = $2450.00 Silver Filling b y Kover Dental Group = $850.oo or a Citron/Soda

Dusti Hymen starring in Isle of the Misfit Drag Queens

photography by robert trautman

December 2009

November 2009

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Networking Sunday

Monday 29

11:00 AM Brunch & Showtunes @ U 6:30 PM Strippers @ Score 8:00 PM Sunday Night Players @ Wall St 8:30 PM Strippers @ Exile 10:00 PM Karaoke @ Level 10:30 PM Strippers @ Havana 11:00 PM Strippers @ Tradewinds II

12:00 PM Dollar Days @ Flex 1:00 PM Happy Hour @ Tremont 4:00 PM $2 Bitchy Mondays @ Club D 5:00 PM Happy Hour @ Blazers 8:00 PM Pitchers & Pool @ Somewhere Else 8:00 PM Martini Monday @ Havana 8:00 PM Karaoke Monday @ U 9:00 PM Service Industry Night @ Level 10:00 PM Karaoke @ AWOL 10:00 PM Trivia & Comedy @ Q

6 11:00 AM Brunch & Showtunes @ U 6:30 PM Strippers @ Score 8:00 PM Latin Dance Night @ Wall St 8:30 PM Strippers @ Exile 10:00 PM Karaoke @ Level 10:30 PM Strippers @ Havana 11:00 PM Strippers @ Tradewinds II

13 11:00 AM Brunch & Showtunes @ U 6:30 PM Strippers @ Score 8:00 PM Latin Dance Night @ Wall St 8:30 PM Strippers @ Exile 10:00 PM Karaoke @ Level 10:30 PM Strippers @ Havana 11:00 PM Strippers @ Tradewinds II

20 11:00 AM Brunch & Showtunes @ U 6:30 PM Strippers @ Score 8:00 PM Latin Dance Night @ Wall St 8:30 PM Strippers @ Exile 10:00 PM Karaoke @ Level 10:30 PM Strippers @ Havana 11:00 PM Strippers @ Tradewinds II

27 11:00 AM Brunch & Showtunes @ U 6:30 PM Strippers @ Score 8:00 PM Sunday Night Players @ Wall St 8:30 PM Strippers @ Exile 10:00 PM Karaoke @ Level 10:30 PM Strippers @ Havana 11:00 PM Strippers @ Tradewinds II

Tuesday

Wednesday

1 4:00 PM 5:00 PM 7:30 PM Club D 8:00 PM 8:00 PM 8:00 PM mers