A Journal of My Heart

By Andrea Thaxton

The hardest part of living is losing. I have never been one to lose in sports, life, love, or anything else. I have always strived to be the best at everything I’ve ever done and have been extremely successful; but losing a baby showed me that I am not in control‒ God is. When you grow up as a young girl, you want the life your parents had. I’ve been blessed with parents that have been together my entire life. I too wanted that life – to be a happy family on a farm, but it would be a while before that would come to pass.

On August 3, 2013, while eating at a restaurant with friends, I felt an excruciating pain surge across my abdomen. I was experiencing something no woman wanted: a miscarriage. Nothing in the three pregnancy books I’ve read could have prepared me for the pain of losing a child; so I turned to the Lord for my solace. It was then that I clung onto my faith in God and all His goodness. I knew that despite the current circumstance, God “would never leave me nor forsake me” (Deut. 31:6). I asked Him to shed His grace on me because I didn’t think I was going to be able to bear the loss of this child. I found myself beginning to pray for my husband and myself. I had never really prayed for him before. Up until the miscarriage, my prayers were always focused on me and my needs, and no one else’s.

Later that night, when we went to the emergency room and heard the news that the womb was open and there was no fetus, Clay and I looked at one another and cried. Both of us felt like failures. Would my dreams of having the perfect family be shattered? What did I have to do Lord? August 6, 2013 - Does anyone know why I missed the first day of school? What will I do if they ask me about it? I anxiously sit in my car waiting for the clock to turn to 7:30am before I reluctantly pull myself together and exit the vehicle. As I walked down the hall, I feel as if I am floating and wandering aimlessly to my classroom. I have ten minutes to put on a brave face before I meet my new students for the school year. I pray, “Please, God, help me get through this day.” I turn on my computer, and I quickly look for a Bible verse which deals with coping with loss. Why did this happen to me? Is God paying me back for the things I did when I was growing up? Searching for the right verse… Philippians 4:13... No, I don’t feel that strong today. Matthew 5:4… “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”. .. No, not that one. Scrolling, scrolling...no, no, no… This may be it. YES! “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:17-18). I hastily press the print button and then go to work trimming the white edges of the paper. As I tape the paper to the wall by my computer desk, I let out a sigh of relief because I know God is going to take care of me and my family no matter what. After having the miscarriage, Clay and I began praying about our lives and what our next step as a family would be. What if we try again? But what if I have another miscarriage?

At that point, my relationship with God changed forever. I gave myself over to the Lord and told Him to take this pain; and if we were meant to be parents, to please help us get pregnant when He saw fit. I fervently prayed day in and day out.

December 10, 2013 - We found out through home pregnancy tests we were pregnant with our second child. This time I didn’t want to forget anything so I began a journal of notes and prayers throughout the duration of my pregnancy. “I gave myself over to the Lord and told Him to take this pain; and if we were meant to be parents, to please help us get pregnant when He saw fi t.”

December 11, 2013 - God is here to help me through this one. I can feel His presence because I am calm and feel comfortable. To my baby: I can’t wait to see you and hold you. Here is my prayer for you today: God, you have done amazing things in my life thus far, and I know you have many more blessings in store. Please, watch over me and my family through this pregnancy and give me the comfort and peace needed. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

December 12, 2013 - God, this prayer that I pray is for the things you have given me. Giving my life to you has brought me a huge blessing. Be with me throughout this pregnancy and the years after so that I may raise a disciple for you here on earth. Mold me and make me in Your image to go forth and spread the word. Thank you for your son, Jesus Christ, being sent here for us. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

December 14, 2013 - Yes! We are having a baby! With my history of having a pulmonary embolism, my pregnancy was considered high risk, and I had to take shots every day to ensure that no blood clots would occur again. I will have another year of doctor’s visits, but God has blessed me and will continue to do so. God, Thank you for keeping watch over me and my family. Please continue with your healing touch and comforting hand. Help me stay healthy throughout this pregnancy. Give Clay the confidence he needs and use us to be messengers for you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

December 28, 2013 - The doubts came creeping into my mind. When I woke up this morning, I was bleeding. The nurse told me that I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse practitioner told me that he wanted an ultrasound, blood work, and a pelvic exam. I went for my ultrasound, and…I got to hear your heartbeat for the first time! I wish your daddy could have been in there with me. I had a little relief after I heard it. I had to wait to see if everything was closed in the pelvic exam, and everything looked good. The culprit of the bleeding was a cyst on my ovaries. God, Thank you for giving me a sense of peace and comfort while in the ER. Thank you for placing your healing touch on my pregnancy and keeping my miracle baby growing. God is so good! In Jesus’ name. Amen.

March 9, 2014 - I looked over at your daddy and said I think I felt your baby kick. His smile made me cry. March 18, 2014 - It’s off icial. You are a boy. I cried at the precious baby I saw on the ultrasound. I love you so much already!

On August 5, 2014 Charles Henry Thaxton came into our lives and changed our world forever…. God, Thank you for EVERYTHING! In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Andrea Thaxton is a native of Jackson County, Tennessee where she is known by many for playing basketball, teaching English, and/or mothering Charles Henry. Basketball was a passion of hers for roughly 14 years until she met her wonderful husband, Clay. They have been married for 11 years and have a six-year-old son named Charles Henry. The Thaxton family enjoys farming, boating, and traveling with family and friends.

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