F A I T H
W O R K S
A Journal of My Heart
P A G E
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O U T P O U R
M A G A Z I N E
By Andrea Thaxton The hardest part of living is losing. I have never been one to lose in sports, life, love, or anything else. I have always strived to be the best at everything I’ve ever done and have been extremely successful; but losing a baby showed me that I am not in control‒ God is. When you grow up as a young girl, you want the life your parents had. I’ve been blessed with parents that have been together my entire life. I too wanted that life – to be a happy family on a farm, but it would be a while before that would come to pass. On August 3, 2013, while eating at a restaurant with friends, I felt an excruciating pain surge across my abdomen. I was experiencing something no woman wanted: a miscarriage. Nothing in the three pregnancy books I’ve read could have prepared me for the pain of losing a child; so I turned to the Lord for my solace. It was then that I clung onto my faith in God and all His goodness. I knew that despite the current circumstance, God “would never leave me nor forsake me” (Deut. 31:6). I asked Him to shed His grace on me because I didn’t think I was going to be able to bear the loss of this child. I found myself beginning to pray for my husband and myself. I had never really prayed for him before. Up until the miscarriage, my prayers were always focused on me and my needs, and no one else’s. Later that night, when we went to the emergency room and heard the news that the
womb was open and there was no fetus, Clay and I looked at one another and cried. Both of us felt like failures. Would my dreams of having the perfect family be shattered? What did I have to do Lord? August 6, 2013 - Does anyone know why I missed the first day of school? What will I do if they ask me about it? I anxiously sit in my car waiting for the clock to turn to 7:30am before I reluctantly pull myself together and exit the vehicle. As I walked down the hall, I feel as if I am floating and wandering aimlessly to my classroom. I have ten minutes to put on a brave face before I meet my new students for the school year. I pray, “Please, God, help me get through this day.” I turn on my computer, and I quickly look for a Bible verse which deals with coping with loss. Why did this happen to me? Is God paying me back for the things I did when I was growing up? Searching for the right verse… Philippians 4:13... No, I don’t feel that strong today. Matthew 5:4…“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”... No, not that one. Scrolling, scrolling...no, no, no… This may be it. YES! “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:17-18). I hastily press the print button and then go to work trimming the white edges of the paper. As I tape the paper to the wall by my computer desk, I let out a sigh of relief because I know God is going to take care of me and my family no matter what. After having the miscarriage, Clay and I began praying about our lives and what our next step as a family would be. What if we try again? But what if I have another miscarriage?
