and Process. Article Mistress Tokyo

The Mindful ConsentTM Model and Process

Mistress Tokyo

Consent separates BDSM from assault, but beyond repeating phrases like “Risk Aware Consensual Kink” and “Safe, Sane and Consensual”, how do we ascertain whether an action, person or situation is right for us in that moment? We tend to rely on intuition and gut instinct, but beyond that there is not much structure to guide us.

The Mindful ConsentTM Model: IG: @mindful_consent_model FB: mindfulconsentmodel Image 1:

To remedy this, I created a consent model called Mindful ConsentTM. I believe the model can assist people to understand where they’re at as to whether an action is right for them in the moment of decision-making, or even whether it’s a good time for them to make a decision. The aim of the model is to help people better identify what they are feeling in the moment when faced with a decision, whether they are in a state of “yes”, “no” or needing “time out”. Through using the model, I hope people can develop a better relationship with themselves and others when co-creating decisions based in mutual consent.

What does the Model look like?

The model has three aspects, with a total of four parts;

Aspect 1 - your Thoughts in your head, Aspect 2 - your Feelings in your heart, Aspect 3 - your Sensations in your body, and The Consent Zone - where they balance The three aspects are the process dimensions of your experience. I believe these need to be in balance for you to be in the best state to say “yes”, “no” or “time out” when making a decision about an action, person or situation. When the aspects are in balance, I call this state the “Consent Zone”.

The Model in balance: 5

How do you know if the three aspects are in balance? For me, if I feel “safe enough” across the three process dimensions - whatever that looks like for me as an individual - then I believe I am in my Consent Zone and in my best state to make a decision about an action – whether it be “yes”, “no” or that I’m needing “time out”.

Using the Model to ascertain your state in relation to your Consent Zone:

For me, this looks like pausing before making a decision and analysing my thoughts, feelings and what is happening in my body. My own process involves using mindfulness techniques - slowing down both my breathing and my actions and taking some time to myself, ideally in private. This helps me think more clearly (Thoughts Aspect), to get a hold of my emotions (Feelings Aspect) and ascertain what type of sensation my body is expressing (Body Sensations Aspect). I then make a call as to whether I think I am in my sympathetic nervous system Window of Tolerance or if I am leaving that state and approaching a state of fight, flight, freeze or appease. I believe I am in my nervous system Window of Tolerance if my three aspects are in balance – in my Consent Zone – my optimal state for making a decision. I feel they are in balance if, for example, my thoughts are not catastrophising, I am not feeling emotions like anger or anxiety, and my body does not exhibit unusual stress or tension brought about by the decision. Therefore, I know I am “safe enough” to proceed with my decision, whether it is “yes” or “no”.

If I believe I am NOT in my nervous system Window of Tolerance because one or more of my three aspects are OUT of balance, then I know I am NOT in my optimal state for making a decision. This means I could abstain from making my decision and that I could consider not saying “yes” or “no” but taking time out instead. If I can’t take time out, I could use a mindfulness exercise and then see if that puts me back into my Window of Tolerance of my nervous system, or my Consent Zone. I then could use the model again to analyse my experience across the three aspects of thoughts, feelings and body sensations to see if I am

back into my Window of Tolerance/my consent zone. From here, if I was STILL not back in my Consent Zone, I would abstain from making the decision all together until I can collect myself.

The crux of the Mindful ConsentTM decision making process is: (see page 53)

When contemplating a decision...

SENSE your thoughts, feelings and body sensations and use MINDFULNESS to downregulate yourself

ANALYZE your thoughts, feelings and body sensations in relation to your fight, flight, freeze or appease response

JUDGE whether you are “safe enough” to make a decision – whether you’re in your Consent Zone

If you are SAFE ENOUGH, make your decision – yes, no or maybe/take time out

If you don’t feel SAFE ENOUGH, or if your answer is a MAYBE, consider doing another mindfulness technique then go through the decision-making process again

A limitation of the Mindful ConsentTM model is that we need to develop a habit of using it as an intervention. This is because we may be in a state of dysregulation and outside of our Window of Tolerance when contemplating a decision. We may be in a state of hypoarousal, such as dissociation, or hyperarousal, such as being highly anxious, and not be able to remember the model in our toolkit of interventions to self-soothe because we are unable to think clearly. Here, the modAdditionally, use of the model may be contraindicated if people with a trauma history find mindfulness triggering. If you are one of these people, please consult your therapist before using the model and decision process.

I believe the Mindful ConsentTM model centers our experience when making a decision regardless of whether our bodies are often dysregulated, regardless of whether we have histories of trauma and abuse, and as people who often experience external and internal pressures when making decisions involving consent. I hope people such as kinksters, who regularly engage in activities requiring greater levels of interoception across consent, find the model and process particularly useful. I hope the model clarifies our experience of decision making, and our experience of ourselves during decision making, to build relationships of solidarity with our own embodied truth.

If you are interested in hearing more about the Mindful ConsentTM model and decision process, I’m releasing a course on Udemy in Sept 2022. Email me at info@ mindfulconsentmodel.com for more information.

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Socials: www.mindfulconsentmodel.com

Twitter: @ConsentModel