Pattaya One Issue 11

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1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11 www.pattayaone.net

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Who’s inside this issue:

% Fool in Paradise % Nightmarch % Pete’s Peregrinations % Thai Lite

Home Invasion turns Violent Inside job serves as warning to others stated the safe held 20,000 Euros in cash (approximately 600,000 baht) as well as gold jewellery and diamonds and a Rolex watch. The combined value of the items was approximately one million baht.

After the thieves left the couple remained bound until they were discovered in the morning by a pool technician who works at the village. Mr Snell was rushed to the Pattaya International Hospital with serious head injuries.

Pattaya police investigators were fairly certain this was a pre-planned robbery and suspected the thieves had probably spent a little time staking out the estate. Although there are security cameras on the estate it was not clear if any footage of the thieves could be obtained that would prove of use.

Forensic Police from Chonburi Headquarters were called in to go over the residence for any evidence that may prove useful. Blood stains were seen on a high wall, suggesting at least one of the

By Staff Writers thieves was injured as he climbed over the wall which backs onto the Birds & Bees Resort in Pratamnak Soi 4.

Suspects After analysing security camera footage, police believed they had captured the image of one potential suspect who was seen on a private beach at the resort after the break-in and attack. Additionally, a security guard at the resort claimed to have seen one suspicious man on the

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A 62-year-old English resident and his 52-year-old Thai wife were seriously assaulted during a violent home invasion that took place very late at night at a prime residential estate in south Pattaya.

The incident occurred at the Majestic Residence, located off Pratamnak Road.

Three suspects, their faces covered by balaclavas, managed to break into a house owned by Mr David Snell and Khun Benjar, who were both asleep at the time. The thieves bound the hands of Mr Snell and his wife together using a leather belt. They then demanded to know the location and combination number of the couples’ safe. In order to obtain this knowledge from a reluctant Mr Snell, the thieves bashed the Englishmen about the head and upper torso with a hammer.

Naturally, Mr Snell divulged the location of the safe and the numbers needed to open it. He later

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

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From page one morning of the attack who had been joined by two other males later in the day.

Descriptions of the men were given to police and a firm suspect was announced. A Khun Anuchit, a former painter employed at the Majestic Residence Estate, was described as being a person of interest as he had resigned from his position only one day before the assault and robbery.

As of going to press, none of the three assailants had been appre-

The family jewels went from here

Being treated in hospital hended by police. According to our information, the injured Mr Snell and his wife are recovering quite well from their beating.

The incident clearly demonstrates that the disparity of incomes and lifestyles between foreign residents and visitors and many of the local labourers and others is such that the temptation to relieve the former of as much of their valuables as possible can be overwhelming.

Searching for clues at the scene of the crime

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New law aids in And the deportation of alleged scams child molester go on and on

A British national was deported from Thailand after the Pattaya Immigration office issued a notice of visa revocation against him.

A press conference was held at the Immigration Office in Jomtien on to announce the detention of Mr. Roderick William Robinson, aged 73, from England who was caught in a joint operation with the Special Organized Crime Agency from the United Kingdom at the V&M Terrace in Soi Buakhow.

The police detailed four separate cases involving Mr. Robinson dating back to 1999, with a case as recent as March 2010 in Australia.

In each case the suspect is accused of crimes against minors. For this reason, the Immigration Department made the decision to use a new law to issue an order to revoke his visa and ordered an immediate deportation to Britain, even though Mr. Robinson is currently not wanted in connection to any of the

cases.

This relatively new law allows Immigration officers special powers to revoke a visa if they consider the subject to be a danger to Thai society or is likely to commit a crime in Thailand. Mr. Robinson fit the description and after being transported to the Immigration Detention Center in Bangkok he was held until the deportation process could be completed.

Unwanted in Thailand

Does your skimmer bite?

The two amigos Two French Nationals, accused of a multi-million baht ATM skimming operation based in Pattaya were arrested by local officers.

Mr. Ali Ennouri, aged 28, and Mr. Alexandrie Giro Zinno, aged 29, both French passport holders with less than genuine Gallic names and reasonably deep tans, were arrested outside a Siam Commercial Bank booth in South Pattaya.

Staff had become suspicious of the two men who appeared to be assisting mostly elderly foreigners with their ATM transactions. The men were caught with ATM skimming equipment, including a blank credit card, laptop computer and 100,000 Baht in cash, along with a small book containing credit card numbers and pin numbers

of almost 20 foreigners. All of the foreigners were found to be fairly elderly and therefore vulnerable to such a scam.

Security camera footage of the two suspects in action was shown during a press conference held at Pattaya Police Station. In one case Mr. Ennouri appeared to lean over an elderly gentleman who was using the Siam Commercial Bank ATM. The arrestee was holding a device in his hand which is believed to have recorded the credit card details. This device was then handed back to his accomplice, Mr. Zinno.

At the same time, Mr. Ennouri appeared to be recording the pin number as entered by the victim.

The two suspects are thought to be part of a larger gang who are now being sought by police.

Fake cards and written evidence

Incidents involving jet ski’s are a daily occurrence here and yet another took place on Pattaya Beach, in front of the Royal Garden Plaza one evening recently.

Pattaya One was originally tipped-off by the Thai owner of a speed boat who operates on the beach. He is angry the reputation of Pattaya and other businesses along Pattaya Beach are being destroyed because of the jet ski operators, who appear to be working in cooperation with local police in some cases.

Our informant, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, claims tourists are being charged excessive amounts for minor damage which they are alleged to have caused to the machines. In some cases, the damage is genuine, in others it is not.

We saw a group of Indian tourists and a Russian couple, who are

Pattaya One 03

It takes time to complete a scam believed to have been involved in an accident with their jet ski’s. The jet ski operators appeared to utilize the services of a local tailor shop owner and an unknown Russian interpreter to negotiate compensation from both parties. Two uniformed Tourist police officers were also present.

Our informant claimed that in most cases, a percentage of the money collected is distributed amongst all parties involved in the incident, including the interpreters and any police who may attend.

Details of this case, including the video which accompanied this story, were forwarded to Pattaya City Hall for their consideration.

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1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

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Pete’s Peregrinations

By Peter Lloyd

Namibia I am writing this in the Caprivi Strip, a small, historically troublesome and dangerous sliver of land in Namibia, near to the borders of Angola, Zimbabwe, Zambia and Botswana.

We spent last night camping by the side of the flat, swollen, fastflowing Okavango River, looking over into Angola and being serenaded by the sound of hippopotamus in the river, much too close to our tents on the riverbank for comfort - or for a decent night’s sleep.

The only other too-close brush with nature I have had was when I was taking a photograph in some bush, and a snake, sandy coloured, with two lines of black dots or diamonds on its back, slithered an

The Okavango River between Namibia and Angola inch away from my feet. It gave me a shock but it clearly wanted to get out of my path, rather than stop for a scrap, thank goodness.

The bird and animal life has been amazing here.

The night sky has also been stunning, and we often count the satellites, shooting stars and constellations, admiring the Milky Way as it arcs across the sky, from horizon to horizon, unbroken by trees or buildings, and undimmed by lights from towns or cities.

All The News That’s Fit to Burn From bum wipe to firelighter, my copies of Pattaya One have come in very handy in Namibia. I brought a few copies to evangelise the Nambians and South Africans into the ways of Pattaya, but besides dishing a copy out wherever we stay, they also came in useful when we had to light a barbecue the other night, out in the Namibian bush when all the available wood was damp.

Perhaps it was the incendiary contents, but it burned a treat.

Pattaya One Setting the world alight.

Hard Times for Lawyers Being an ex-lawyer, I had to spare a thought for the poor unfortunates of the Cape Town legal profession, who have fallen on hard times and are now reduced to making coffee in the Cape Town coffee shop where I saw this sign.

Either that, or they have misspelled “barista”, which is the usual term for a person who makes your coffee.

I have had no mobile phone coverage here or internet access of any kind for over 10 days, and I haven’t seen a TV. It’s been great.

In the past two weeks we have driven through the centre of South Africa, crossed into Namibia, driven right up to the Angolan border, and then deep into the Caprivi Strip, where, for me, the real Africa began, which made a refreshing change to the sterile but very efficient ways of South Africa and central Namibia.

To see large herds of huge-

Pattaya’s Ya Dong Travels Well If you have friends like mine, a nicely crafted Thai gift would be about as welcome as a slaughterhouse worker at an animal rights convention.

So I brought my friends a large bottle of ya dong (this one a skilful blend of 50 percent 2,000 year old lady and 50 percent menthol) mixed by my regular purveyor of fine ya dong on Walking Street.

Not only did it survive the journey, but it also went down a treat.

Until last night when my friend ill-advisedly glugged a third nightcap of it as we sat admiring the stars in the Namibian desert.

I warned him to be careful and to drink it in moderation, but he

Dolphins When we were in Cape Town, walking along the Promenade, we were amazed to see a pod of dolphins playing very close to the shore. I am used to seeing whales breaching and playing out at sea there, but this was the first time I had seen

Mine told me to piss off and do it myself.

horned cattle stray over the roads, herded by villagers from nearby rondavels (circular straw-thatched mud huts), or having to avoid slow-moving chameleons and dung beetles pushing balls of cattle dung across the roads, made the driving more interesting.

It has been an expensive trip, and that’s not even comparing it to Thailand, but to other modern, developing African countries. Why this is I have no idea, except the Namibian dollar is pegged to the South African Rand, for no good reason. I accept paying high prices in Cape Town, but not the same price for commodities in some backwoods town in northern Namibia.

So far we have had no major problems, but lots of unusual encounters. For example, as we walked around one Namibian town, called Tsumeb, a feisty local woman came up to us in the street and pointed to a man across the road, who we had no intention of engaging in conversation at all, saying “don’t talk to him. He’s the local rapist!”

The guilty parties idling on Walking Street ignored me, and of course today woke with a monumental ya dong hangover, which has dogged him all day.

Som nam na, I thought.

dolphins. I had assumed the water was too cold for them.

We stood and watched them playing for a while, as I fired off a few photos.

Leaping Dolphins in Cape Town

Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com

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Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

If It’s Not Sand, Crab, Bird or a Dog, Remove It Sir, I often ask myself. Why do “some” of the people that make money from our beaches and ocean, not care about tomorrow and leave a mess, to wash back into our ocean, to pollute, kill sea life and much of it to wash back up to our beaches at a different location, the next day.

I often ask myself. How can “some” humans, Thai and Farang come to the beach, play or lay in litter, some with their children and also leave their litter behind when they leave.

I often ask myself. Are most people so busy in their own little world, that they don’t see or hear the cry of Mother Earth or the Voiceless, Wildlife And Waterways.

I often ask myself. Why aren’t the people that litter fined? Why doesn’t Pattaya City Hall do something to promote safety for our children, clean beaches for people to visit by having the toxic cigarette butts, bottle caps, camera batteries that can be and have been ingested by babies, fish, seabirds, plastic which is ingested by turtles and

other sea-life and may become quite ill or die!

Bar-B-Que sticks that are stepped on all of the time, injuring the beach-goers, removed by the beach clean-up crews that are seldom ever seen on the beach and when they are, rake sand over the dangers rather then removing them, taking only the harmless leaves and large trash, leaving it looking clean and safe, but more dangerous then before, for a unknowing baby to find dangers just below the sand that they find and put into their little mouths, or stepping on a pointed dangerous Bar-B-Que Sticks which are everywhere, sweeping things under the carpet is one thing, covering it with sand to be stepped on or found by a baby is another, “many” beach chair vendors, jet ski and boat people along with “most” of the beach clean up crew need to be reeducated on how to take care of our beaches and ocean.

Education, Education, Education.

I often ask myself am I the only one that cares! Don’t misunder-

stand me, “many” of the beachchair-vendors, clean-up-crews, jet-ski and boat operators work very hard for many hours a day, but The Pollution Solution Group has been cleaning beaches longer them most have been alive and we know how to make a beach safe, clean and ways to bring more beach-goers to enjoy Thailand’s beaches.

We are willing to talk to “all” that work on the beach on how and what to do to improve the safety and ways to increase the amount of beach-goers, all that needs to happen is that Pattaya City Hall has them “ALL” come to city hall and I will demonstrate simple daily methods on how to keep our beaches and ocean much, much cleaner then they presently are.

Waster-Sizing is the best way, one needs to bend at the waste to pick up the waste, sweeping sand over the waste is a waste of time.

The Pollution Solution Group KOTO It’s not just Pattaya City Hall which has to be asked, it’s also all the other municipal councils that

control beaches up and down the coast nearby, from Sri Racha to Sattahip. The problem is money.

That is, what’s in it for a vendor in terms of immediate and clear-cut financial reward? I know we are being cynical, but the sad reality is that many people don’t care about keeping things clean and tidy for others if there is no financial benefit to themselves. And it’s no good pointing out the overall aesthetic benefits to an area which is likely to lead to more foreigners and even locals wanting to come and spend time on the beach. That’s nonquantifiable in monetary terms.

If a long-running properly targeted media campaign was put in place to educate people about littering (Keep Thailand Beautiful) and at the same time hefty fines for littering were introduced and properly enforced (fat chance of that in this current society where corruption is rife), then attitudes might change, albeit over the course of a generation or two. The habits of hundreds of years are a bit hard to reverse overnight.

Living without the puffing Sir, I was a smoker for nearly 40 years, and for the last ten of those years I deeply despised myself for it, to the extent of no longer getting annual check-ups (“if I don’t care about my lungs, why should I care about the rest of my body”). I had tried, and repeatedly failed, both cold turkey and NRT, with increasing negative effects on my self-esteem-especially as I had previously successfully rid myself of a serious cocaine problem cold-turkey. So I knew I didn’t lack will-power.

But I continued to fail. (And I am very surprised to read that NRT has a 60% success rate as I always thought that this was like telling an alcoholic to drink wine instead of whiskey.) There IS a point to this coming.

Ten years ago I decided to learn to scuba dive. This required medical permission, which was refused due to very high blood pressure. This, in turn, brought me to Doctor Sutin, then a cardiologist at BPH. Discussing my repeated failures, he informed me that, should I wish to try again, there was a new medication

available that he thought would greatly enhance my chance of success, if I planned carefully.

(The drug was Quomem, from Glaxo Smith Kline, and it acted by fooling the brain’s nicotine receptors into ‘thinking’ that they were receiving the nicotine they, and I, craved, while in fact delivering no nicotine. A 45 course that promised withdrawal with no withdrawal symptoms.)

But Dr Sutin also emphasized the role of planning (as do you), and environment. My chances of success would be greatly enhanced if I did not make the attempt surrounded by my familiar haunts, habits, situations, and temptations: i.e. smoky bars and smoking friends.

At this point, blood pressure controlled, I had become a scuba diver, and was planning a vacation in Bali, followed by a 17-day liveaboard dive trip in eastern Indonesia. Seemed the ideal opportunity, and was. I smoked my LAST cigarette in the cactus garden atop Changi Airport in Singapore. The two years that followed were not always easy, but I have remained

a confirmed non-smoker, though I plead guilty to having the self-righteous attitude that once so irritated me in others. I awake everyday with gratitude towards to Dr Sutin.

My thanks to you, judging from your first article, for a serious, considered approach to this issue in a playground that is seldom interested in such an approach.

I wish you all possible success with this series, and your future “Living Healthy in Pattaya” endeavours.

Peter by email It’s gratifying to know the ‘Living Healthy in Pattaya’ column has its

adherents. Then again we aren’t completely taken by surprise because there are many people in the city who do not spend all their time propping up barstools and sinking 48 bottles of Chang on top of a full English breakfast. Pattaya is party central, but it’s all about personal lifestyle choices.

Smoking, so it is said in some quarters, is the hardest addictive drug habit to beat…and it’s legal.

The overwhelming evidence of scientific research shows it is harmful to health, although its eradication would be extremely harmful to the financial bottom line of some very wealthy companies.

Mrs. Saichol Panchumchit, Thai Health Insurance Manager of Bangkok Hospital Pattaya presented an ambulance to Mr. Prasit Thongthitcharoen, the Chairman of the Sawang Boriboonthammasatan Foundation, for the use of their staff and volunteers at Koh Larn.

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One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer Alcohol, and the ingestion of far too much of it, appeared as major contributing factors in the deaths of two male tourists in recent weeks in the Naklua area.

In the first case, a Russian man was found dead in his rented apartment on Soi 12 off Naklua Road in mid-February. Police inspected the body of Mr. Denis Bazanov, aged 26, from Russia. The deceased was lying in an unusual position as if he had fallen, head-first off his bed. It is thought he had been dead for at least two days, based on the level of decomposition.

Neighbours suggested Mr. Bazanov was a heavy drinker, most unusual for a person from the Eastern European or Scandinavian countries. He had checked-in on 13th February and staff at the hotel said he had been in a permanent

drunken state since that time. Just why he decided to get on a plane and travel thousands of kilometres to a warm climate simply so he could stay in a permanently inebriated state was not clear.

Police believe there were no suspicious circumstances surrounding the death and sent the body to the Police Forensic Institute in Bangkok for a post mortem examination. This is designed to find the cause of death, although they

suspect a few too many belts of the giggle sauce might well provide the answer.

The second case involved a 48-year-old German national named Joachim Diebenbacher who passed away on a couch in a bar in Soi 14 in Naklua one afternoon.

Witnesses said he had been sipping fermented juices since 8:00am and at some point asked the bar owner if he minded if he took a short nap. After a time, staff attempted to rouse him, but without success, and realized he had passed away.

The deceased was known to be a diabetic and a bandage was covering an infection on his left leg which is believed to be related to the disease.

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Australian dies in condo

A Ford Executive based at their plant in Rayong was found dead in his apartment at the Ananyar Condominium in Naklua.

A cleaner at the location discovered the body of Mr. Michael aged 50 from Australia, an executive security official working at the Ford Motor Company Factory in Rayong. He was lying, fully-clothed, on the floor next a sofa in the living room area. He was slumped, under a coffee table and police suspect he may have suffered a cardiac event which led to his passing.

Officers found no evidence of foul play and no evidence of trauma on the body which was sent to the Police Forensic Institute in Bangkok for a post mortem examination.

The

BellwetherEnd

By Mike Bell There’s not a single subject this week but rather an assortment of ideas that clumped together when I thought Thai. The first of these is ‘karaoke.’ As a young father I spent a fortune on ensuring my children were given the rudiments of musical training. As a result I have one daughter who can play the piano and violin to grade 8 level, not simultaneously, you understand; one son who thought the violin case made him look like Al Capone; and my youngest daughter who was opera trained and can sing like a nightingale. It is this latter ability that I envy most.

At junior school my music teacher decided I was a ‘groaner’ and banned me from singing. Instead I got to write the names of any miscreants on the board. I feel as if I have been cheated. Like those ‘Air Guitar’ players, I have all the moves for a passable Elvis imitation, I just lack the voice. I have come to accept this very hard lesson for life.

So why is it that Thais have not?

Go into one of those Shopping Malls where they have Video Games – I dare you. The noise is

Medley

painful; gunshots, screaming tyres, magic roundabouts and karaoke’s.

There are booths for hire where you and your friends can cram in and sing! It all looks so innocent as six or eight girls sing along and even practice dance routines. Fast forward ten years you will find these same girls sitting in a karaoke bar waiting for a farang Tom Jones wannabe. Elvis or Robbie Williams never had a more adoring audience than the one you will find drinking your whiskey in a karaoke bar.

They hang on your every bum note, raising their glasses high to toast your every cracked and flat groan.

It has been calculated it is cheaper to hire a studio and cut your own demo disc than join a group of Thai girls singing farang songs.

Have you noticed your teerak wearing an amulet? Then you are not paying her enough. These amulets are to assist in the winning of that bi-monthly scam, The Thai Lottery. They are often made/ sold by monks so they must work, right? They can change hands for thousands of baht. The most valuable a few years ago were the Jatukarm, which even had its very

own counterfeiters! Besides bringing good luck in money matters, these amulets help protect you from accidents in the home or on the road. Go into any Accident and Emergency department in a Pattaya hospital and check out how many of the casualties are wearing amulets. I guarantee over 70 percent are protected. Wearing an amulet ensures you don’t need a crash helmet; you don’t need to glance right when turning on to Sukhumvit; and your motor bike never loses stability when you are carrying three or more passengers.

Despite warnings of early deafness and incipient brain tumours, this mobile phone fad shows no sign of diminishing here. Given the choice of losing a leg or their mobile, 92 percent of Thai ladies chose the former. Given the choice of losing their male member or their mobile, 100 percent of katoeys also chose the former. I am not anti-phone; I would imagine if you found yourself trapped in a dark soi by five baht bus drivers demanding double the Thai fare, it could prove a handy weapon. I just don’t like its current must-have status.

I bought my first mobile when I turned sixty and came to this strange new world. At first I thought it was peopled by a race of madmen who walked about talking loudly to themselves. Then I began to notice the ear-pieces. My first mobile is now six years old. It cost me 2000 baht and cannot take photographs; it cannot show pornographic videos; nor can it Google, play music or make toast.

I keep it discreetly on my belt. I do not walk into a bar, stand on a chair, howl at the moon and place my mobile on a shrine where others can kneel and worship. On the rare occasions when someone phones me, it emits a soothing tune. It does not bray like a donkey, crow like a cock or sound like a symphony orchestra. It never goes off in the cinema requiring a long and loud explanation of why I can’t talk just now. I know it does something called texting; that you can set annual birthday reminders and daily wake-up calls. I know it has a calculator and a calendar. One day I am going to read the manual, but not yet.

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Kris & Noi’s

Private

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Western and Country

My wife and I have lived in Bangkok, then Pattaya, for 10 years. Now we are considering moving to her home province in the northeast, where the town is just 60 kms from her home village. Naturally she would be happy living nearer to her family (no problem about having family members closer—I have always had a great relationship with all of them).

With the cost of living increasing rapidly, and my pension being murdered by the exchange rate, I am sure that living costs would be reduced. It’s a small town by western standards, but I’ve seen Tesco, Big-C, and Makro, but haven’t been in. I’ve seen very few expats about, which doesn’t bother me as we are not big socialisers, and have more Thai friends than expat. Could you suggest other pros and cons we should consider, and do you think it is easy to adapt to such a life after living so long in places that cater for expats?

Bret Maverick

in the foreseeable future, have no doubt made many expats consider a move upcountry. A lower cost of living, although not as much as some would expect, cleaner air, less crowded roads, genuinely friendly locals, are major pluses. Restaurants will be mainly Thai, obviously, but cheaper than Pattaya. On the downside, expats in the smaller towns find that the hypermarkets naturally cater for the needs and the pockets of the locals, and some western items are not stocked. Most expats accept this, as they are living in a foreign country and away from expat areas, but there is an occasional forum rant from a paleface about stupid retailers because he couldn’t buy his favourite brand of paté or Cumberland sausage in some rural township with a 1% expat customer base. Other minuses include lack of English soundtrack films, and technicians who can speak decent English when you need repairs, although the wife can help out there.

The poor exchange rates of most western currencies, with little prospect of major improvement

If you rented accommodation for three months, it would give you time to look around and discover

whether or not it would be the right move for you. As you are content to be away from fellow expats, you will probably like it, but please do check the medical facilities, both private and local. No point in having medical insurance if you don’t have a decent clinic or hospital to care for you.

Wrong Gender

Being as I am definitely average in looks and rather portly and ancient in body, I love being served and pampered by lovely girls when having a drink. Last week I sat with a really stunning girl, pinup face, great body and pleasant chat. But when I offered to bar fine, she smiled and said she didn’t leave the bar, and did I know “she” was a ladyboy! Never been fooled before—“she” was quite petite and not at all aggressive like the popular stereotype of the ladyboy; and I was not drunk! But Pattaya does seem to have a huge ladyboy population; do you think they are more accepted here than in most western countries?

Cheyenne Bodie Their presence in large numbers is

Pattaya One 07

not confined to Pattaya. Just about every TV soap, chat and game show seems to have at least one in attendance, and it isn’t a rarity seeing young male students walking around with effeminate clothing and make-up. Remember that Thailand is a leading centre for the required surgery, and with various variety shows here featuring them, it’s no wonder there are so many beautiful lookers. They appear to be better accepted publicly here than in the western world, and it isn’t fair to judge them all by those you see punter-hunting. Women feel comfortable with them, and they are known for excellent work as beauticians and stylists, as well as working in many offices.

Time to discard the safety-jacket?

My girlfriend has been with me for two months now, and we haven’t been with anyone else. Do you think it is safe now to stop using condoms, because I don’t like them? She says she was fairly new to Pattaya anyway and was only a cashier at the bar normally.

Paladin Another girl who was only a cashier?

Pattaya bars seem to have more cashiers than waitresses. And what did miss fairly new do when she wasn’t being a normal cashier?

Seriously mate, you should take medical advice first; this is something that could have devastating consequences for you and your girlfriend. No one likes pulling on the latex, but it beats serious illness and a possibly early visit by the Grim Reaper, wouldn’t you say?

Pattaya-based movie bound for glory An American movie director, producer, musician, recording engineer, soundman, cameraman and Pattaya-ophile named Roy Alfred Jr is in the final throes of putting together his first independent feature-length film.

Pattaya One was invited to a screening of the director’s cut, and while the movie is yet to be fully finished and polished, we have no doubt it will be a big hit with anyone who has ever fallen for Pattaya.

Called GloryDays, the story revolves around a rock and roll band, called The Spiders, who split up in some acrimony 20 years earlier and are now being asked to get back together for a reality television series. As it happens, the band’s producer has retired to Pattaya and he’s not going anywhere near Hollywood for love

(which he’s got plenty of in Fun Town) or money. So, the disparate members of the former band come together in Pattaya.

The storyline is nothing new; the romantic moments are hardly World of Suzie Wong, but it’s the place, Pattaya, that makes this movie. Not sure if those who haven’t been here will be that impressed by the plot and the acting, but for this writer the fact there’s not a single car chase scene, nor do a million rounds of bullets from a variety of weapons get fired, is a step in the right direction.

The Tourism Authority of Thailand will no doubt be taking some serious medication over the Walking Street bar scenes, as well as some of the early antics by a couple of the actors with bargirls in local hotels. The dialogue won’t win a

Best Screenplay award; the cinematography won’t have Hollywood moguls shaking their heads in disbelief; and the Cannes Palm D’Or won’t be heading to a City Hall function anytime soon.

As Roy Alfred Jr told us at the screening, there’s still some work that needs to be done to complete the package. If the cutting room floor becomes covered with the right bits of celluloid graffiti then this movie could well become the must-see that captures Pattaya, much like the novel Good Woman of Bangkok is supposed to capture the essence of the Thai capital’s 1960s expat bar scene.

The movie is set for release sometime in the middle of 2011.

Duncan Stearn

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

Living Healthy in Pattaya

By Khun Dee

SMOKING ROOM part three Smoking Room Recap In parts one and two of the Smoking Room, the following points were made: * Write down your three most important reasons to quit smoking. * Establish a quit date and write it down.. * See a doctor for a chat and a check up. Discuss your plans to quit smoking; ask if nicotine replacement therapy (patches, gum, medications such as bupropion) is safe and appropriate for you. * Walk 30 minutes every day. * Disrupt your smoking pat terns: Don’t smoke at home, on the phone, while having coffee or a drink. Don’t carry cigarettes. Switch brands.

Q-Day-Time to get nervous Quit-smoking day is upon us. If you’re not yet nervous about taking the first step into a smoke-free life, you will be after taking that step; anxiety is one of the withdrawal symptoms experienced by virtually all smokers when they quit. It’s usually accompanied by anger, frustration, irritability, depression, hunger and, of course, nicotine cravings.

That’s just the first week!

Truth be told, week one is the most difficult to get through. Most symptoms tend to diminish in week two, and fade away over the next month or so. Be reminded, however, that nine out of every ten smokers who try to kick the habit do not make it through that first week. It’s not an easy battle.

Cigarettes have been your friend most of your life. They have been there for you every day through good times and bad, helping to celebrate your triumphs and joys, consoling you in defeats and heartaches. But just as they have been a strong--if questionable--friend, they now represent a formidable enemy as you seek to sever that alliance. You better believe that nicotine is a powerful contender in this fight, and it is committed to winning. Are you?

Experts agree that giving up cigarettes is difficult--perhaps more

challenging than defeating heroin addiction--but not impossible. Just keep in mind that most people must try more than once, and only four to seven percent succeed without help.

Such help can come in the form of professional counselors, quitting buddies, support from family and friends, and from nicotine replacement therapies and drugs. But your single-most important weapon in this battle is commitment. If you decide you want to be a non-smoker, you will succeed. And if you made that decision a month ago (when you read part one of the Smoking Room), then you have been walking 30 minutes every day, you’ve stocked up on nicotine replacement products of your choice, and you’ve jotted down your reasons for quitting and your quit date. Is your Qdate two or three days from now?

Then begin your daily regiment of Zyban or Quomem immediately.

Starting either of these anti-craving meds a couple days before quitting will reduce your desire to smoke by the time you quit.

On Q-day, take the anti-craving tablet, attach the patch, and toss all cigarettes, ashtrays, matches, lighters and anything else that might trigger cravings. You were a smoker; as of today you are smoke free.

You were poisoning your body; now you are healthier. That’s right, the health benefits of quitting accrue almost immediately: Within 20 minutes of smoking that last cigarette, your blood pressure and heart rate return to normal. Within 24 hours, your heartattack risk begins falling, and your blood levels of carbon monoxide and oxygen return to normal. Over the next several weeks, tiny cilia grow back and again sweep irritants out of your lungs; blood circulation improves; walking becomes easier, and your lung function increases

Reclaiming the Beaches Pattaya One has previously argued that Pattaya’s beaches need to be cleared of umbrellas to accommodate the growing army of sun-seeking Russians whose numbers have rocketed this high season. Russians want to fry in the sun, not skulk under umbrellas.

Recently a meeting at City Hall agreed with us and a proposal was tabled to reduce the umbrellas on the beach by taking a percentage of space from each umbrella concession.

This was because the deck chairs under the umbrellas are never remotely fully occupied,

even on New Year’s Day, whilst thousands of Russians cram onto the postage stamp–sized scraps of beach where no deck chairs are currently allowed.

Eagle-eyed readers may be able to spot such a sunny spot in the accompanying photograph, wedged in between the coconut trees, lighting columns - and umbrellas.

It is not known whether this is the first shot in the war to regain even more valuable beach space – from beneath the 101 Businesses on the beach side of Walking Street.

by as much as 30 percent. Within a year, your risk of developing heart disease drops to half that of people who still smoke. And after 10 smokefree years, you’re no more likely to die of lung cancer than someone who never smoked.

Improved health is great incentive to quit and stay quit. But having tried and failed to break the habit more times than I can remember, I fully respect the awesome lure of smoking. Commitment and incentives are not enough to ensure victory. We also must alter the battlefield. That means avoiding triggers that we associate with smoking: bars, parties, stress, idle time, smokers, spicy food, alcohol, coffee, tea, boredom and whatever else triggers the need in you to light up.

Important to note that these places and items should be avoided, not eliminated. Don’t fear that you must give up your prior life in order to be nicotine free; everything you did as a smoker you can do as an ex-smoker. Initially, when you encounter each crave trigger, you will become anxious and think of lighting up. But know the desire will last only two or three minutes. In the meantime, take deep breaths, drink a glass of water, take a walk-away from the trigger. In time your mind will be reconditioned to not expect nicotine when encountering triggers. For now, best to reduce the enticements.

Should temptation get the better of you, stop at that one puff.

That one lapse. Consider it a slip (a mistake) and continue with the program. But if you relapse, it’s not just a mistake, it’s a return to smoking for a day, a week or longer. Accept that you failed this time, but know you will succeed in the future. Try again when you are ready.

Smokers and former smokers alike recognize that quitting is a big deal. A formidable challenge. Like a reformed alcoholic, take it one day at a time. Look upon each smokefree day as a little victory, and celebrate often along the way.

Conquer Cravings Use one or more of the following tips to conquer cravings over the next several weeks:

1. Remind yourself that the urge only lasts a few seconds.

2. Take a series of deep breaths.

3. Relax your mind and body (meditate if you can).

4. Drink a glass of water.

5. Take a five-minute walk.

6. Chew gum-nicotine or otherwise.

7. Distract yourself from whatever is triggering the craving.

8. When the craving fades, praise yourself for another victory.

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Pattaya Fashions & Facial Hair A review of threads on Pattaya Addicts has helped me decide not to grow a beard, not to wear a bandana either on my head or – ahem – in my belt, and not to wear sunglasses indoors, especially at night, when they also certainly should not be worn on top of my head either.

All of these things seem to rile internet posters. And recently after writing this column, John Thomas espied a bandana wearer in a bar and a nocturnal wearer of sunglasses shortly after, and felt his top lip curl.

Like it or not, unfortunately, facial hair seems to be frowned on, especially by most posters, but also apparently by girls in Pattaya, although unless banknotes have grown hair, a brief flash of sufficient of them can soothe even the most powerful objections.

Another big fashion no-no is men going shirtless, especially in public, and John Thomas has a complaint to make to bar owners here.

Recently in go gos in Pattaya I have seen shirtless Russian men and many other Russian men, usually fat, drunken old farts, with their shirts open at the front, revealing enormous beer bellies. It is truly disgusting when you can see more skin on a fat Russian bloke than you can see elsewhere in a bar.

Maybe bar owners need a new dress code if the Russians are indeed coming – into their bars.

Without further ado let’s get dolled up to examine acceptable Pattaya (male) fashion in the Pattaya Addicts thread: Track Suits, Checked Shirts and Wife Beater Vests, where Mike Asia complained: Socks with sandals, track suits, checked shirts with only one button, Singha wife beater vests are all over Pattaya.

People... show some respect for yourself and others around you... dress up a little bit.

Dodgy added football shirts to the list for good measure. Londonboy added: Middle aged people wearing cartoon t-shirts or supposed comical slogan shirts. Leadpencil added: No top on is just unhygienic.

Socks and sandals has got to be the worst in my book.

A somewhat baffled TakeItEasyDarling said: Can’t say I spend much time looking at what other dudes are wearing when I’m in Pattaya surrounded by hot scantily clad women. But whatever floats your boat.

Many posters opined that shorts,

Pattaya One 09

Fun Town’s most vibrant

ABOVE BAWD

IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop

Sponsored by

Where you go sexy man? (Hopefully to a decent barber) T shirts and flip flops were completely acceptable daytime (and nighttime) wear in Pattaya, and who can blame them.

In reply to dudebrah’s question: is my mankini OK? Mike Asia said: no problem if it’s under your track suit.

Glosboy, in a disdainful reference to beer-logo T shirts asked: What’s the crack with those individuals wearing a beer mat round their neck???

Having gleaned more fashion “don’ts” than “do’s” from the above, we found another thread on the Addicts board entitled “Gotta be said..Just..WHY? which Muso started with a strong condemnation of the bandana: Right....blokes in sandals with socks half way up their legs I can tolerate. “No Money No Honey” and “Good Guys Go etc” I can only barely stop myself screaming.....But.....

Men in....BANDANAS!!!!!!!!!!

Do they use the same mirrors as me?? Headscarves = GIRLS!!!

Please advise these fashion rejects they look like tossers...I sincerely hope none of my UK compadres would even consider this gypsy clothespeg seller image. ....Rant over...Phew!!

Scaffman concurred, observing: What happens to men when they come over to Thailand, as their

dress sense seen to go right out of the window. And they think that they look younger for the bar girls.

Do they not know it’s their money they want?

Sinkorswim put the boot into another fashion faux pas: It’s like people wearing sunglasses at night in bars and clubs.

OleKingCole listed his fashion hates on Walking Street: Socks and sandals, Sunglasses at night – Prats. Even worse - sunglasses perched on top of head WTF!! T shirts with the dickhead comments on - infantile dickheads. Bandanas and bumbags Aarrghh.

Some posters defended sunglasses at night, but only if you planned to be exiting a club at 6 or 7am, or if you needed to hide medicallycaused dilated pupils, and some defended bandanas as being useful for sweaty heads and keeping the sun off bald pates, but the criticism seemed unrelenting.

Mind you a lack of sartorial sense clearly does not stop you from getting a girl – well, this IS Pattaya.

1Rooster said: I saw some dude about 75 years old in a safari suit.

His trousers were about 6 inches above his ankles, but he still had a stunner on his arm.

Scuzz reported on an embarrassing bandana fashion mishap of his own: I’m an old fart from a cold

climate. I often wear a bandana in the summer, and I keep it in my belt loop when I’m not wearing it. As soon as I found out that there was a bandana wearing code I looked it up, and it turns out I’m wearing it as a Dom. But as a general rule first timers to Pattaya would do well to leave their bandanas at home and their sunglasses in their hotel room when they go out at night.

We then turned to another Addicts thread called: Do they hate guys with beards?

Excited, I read this thread looking for guidance on the correctness of wearing a male merkin in Pattaya, alas to no avail.

Deepthroat2 asked: Anyone really know if my having a neatlytrimmed beard (picture Sigmund Freud, not Grizzly Adams) will be an impediment with the girls?

I’ve heard that Thai’s find beards to be “unclean” and think your face looks “dirty” if not clean-shaven.

I’m not planning to shave, but am wondering how much of a crimp it will put in my style.

Pallmall replied: I think the crimp in your style will come from having a neatly trimmed wallet.

The advantage of having a beard is you always find some of your lunch in there if you are feeling peckish later.

Devil Plaything said: When I grew a beard the response from the girls was about 1000:1 against it, although big shooter said: Beards are “in” again and most of the young women I know here love them. I chat with a non bg Thai girl and she asked if I would grow a beard before my trip (she loves them too). As long as your wallet is full, it doesn’t matter what you have.

Culvers pretty much summed up the negativity towards beards with: yawn - the question isn’t whether girls will go with guys who have beards, it is do girls “hate” beards.

The answer is a resounding yes, beards are very unpopular with thai women.

Sure, you will still get loads of girls to go with you if you have a beard, the same as girls will go with grossly overweight ugly men.

But for some reason beards are not seen as a good thing. I started growing one once when I was over there, and every girl I knew practically begged me to shave.

It would not be splitting hairs to say that I could find no threads on moustaches. Until I do, worried readers and fans of the soup strainer should form their own judgment and consult the internet about the wisdom of sporting these items in Pattaya.

All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@ pattayaone.net

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Dying to Pattaya Focus on ...... get at her:

By Street Stroller

Art Theft-Someone’s nicked Our Coral Top of the Like a virgin in a brothel (or, more appropriately, at the coconut bar), Pattaya’s art on beach Road will always remain a much-sought-after commodity, at risk of perverted ravishment by unappreciative, insensitive brutes.

And so it is with a piece I featured only three editions ago, in this pristine state:

Recently Which now looks like this:

Unless taken by the Marine Police as evidence in the unlawful use of protected coral in art, I can only presume this has been stolen, and the fresh damage to the glaze seen at the lower right of the base is also disappointing. Of course, an irate reader disagreeing with my positive comments on the piece might also be to blame, but I hope not.

After a few weeks of looking at art and architecture on Beach Road, we will leave it for now, with a look at some figures which I couldn’t put in the other columns, but which are also worth a gander.

It has been an interesting time looking so closely at art down there, but that did not blind me to many other angles, scams and unpleasantness on Beach Road, which we will revisit in some future editions.

But for now’ let’s sign off with a look at some final works of art.

I like the work of three children playing tug-of-war with a rope. I wonder if it is symbolic of the battle against corruption in Thailand.

Perpetual , hard and unwinnable.

And you get your arms broken.

Now

Symbolic of the Battle against Corruption

And, for non-eagle-eyed readers, this is now missing this from the middle of it:

I also like this detail of the fountain by the Dusit, which is actually a nice composition but the flaking paint does it no favours. It could do with a, ahem, touch up.

Call the coral cops

Things are looking up

When I first saw these images of shells worked into the seating up PBR, I at first thought a giant dog (or worse) had dumped on the seats. A closer inspection fortunately proved this to be unfounded, but it is an unusual detail for these seats.

Gulf Regatta

Hello sailor

Holy Crap And finally, my favourite piece of art and/or architecture along PBR is the magnificent guitar outside the Hard Rock Hotel, thrusting phallicly skywards.

It is a superb marketing tool, setting the hotel’s stall out, and it is an excellent, eye-catching piece of modern art on Pattaya Beach Road.

However the fact that it shows the shaft of a guitar could turn it into a marketer’s dream – or nightmare – in the wrong hands. As my caption suggests, the image could function as a perfect symbol for the dubious double delights of Pattaya Beach Road.

A BigCall Shaft theon coral Beach copsRoad

Anticipation in the sailing world is building as the Gulf of Thailand prepares to welcome sailors from around the region to the 2011 Top of the Gulf Regatta (TOG Regatta).

Set to take place 29 April – 3 May at Ocean Marina Yacht Club, Jomtien Beach, Pattaya, the TOG Regatta incorporates the one-design Platu Coronation Cup and Thailand Optimist Nationals.

Hot on the heels of the Phuket King’s Cup Regatta, Royal Langkawi International Regatta and Singapore Straits Regattas, keel boat and multihull sailors from around the region are eying this, the penultimate event of the Asian Yachting Grand Prix Championship, as the ‘one to win’.

“The 2010 Regatta was a great success. We welcomed big fleets of all kinds of boats to the Gulf of Thailand. Planning for the 2011 event is well underway and we are looking forward to another great year. With strong support from Host Sponsor Ocean Marina Yacht Club, we are expecting to further increase the number of participants in 2011,” said William Gasson, Regatta founder and Chairman of the Organising Committee.

Now in its seventh sailing, the TOG Regatta continues to attract a strong domestic fleet and more international racing yachts each year, in addition to strong dinghy and hobie classes, and the ultra-competitive one-design Platu class.

The TOG Regatta is unique, being the only marina-based regatta in Thailand, and one which welcomes boats of all sizes from Optimists and dinghies to beach catamarans, keel boats and ocean multihulls.

Participants in the 2011 TOG Regatta are expected to attend from Australia, India, Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand, to name just a few countries.

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THE

FRUGAL GOURMAND

TERRIFIC AND CHEAP THAI FOOD Obviously, it’s easy to find places serving delicious and inexpensive Thai food here in Fun Town. Following is a small sample of some of my favourites. In most establishments, you can get them to go easy on the chilies by saying ‘mai phet, khrup’ (not spicy, please) or mai ao prik (no chilies).

Or Ah Harn Thai on South Road, opposite the soi formerly known as Soi Hollywood is often crowded with happy gourmands.

Be warned: You don’t go there for the atmosphere. On the other hand, their food is inexpensive and delicious. The cooking is done in the front of the restaurant and there are two dining areas; the downstairs non air-conditioned room and the upstairs air-conditioned area. I am a fanatic for yellow curry sauce and adore their crab meat with yellow curry powder. (Alas, it’s often not available.) Whole or filleted fish covered with yellow curry is also quite delectable and an excellent consolation if they’re out of the crab. Another favorite is their fired dandelion (pak boon fai dang), which can be a bit fiery. The menu is huge. So, if you can’t find something which appeals to you, you better try another country. Two

Or Aharn Thai can easily dine here for well under 500 baht (including beer).

Little Mango, at the end of Soi VC near Soi Yensabai Mansion, is a smallish, Thai managed restaurant with indoor and outdoor seating.

This is a popular place, often crowded, due in equal parts to the good and inexpensive food and Ken, the very affable manager. Ken knows most of his customers, by name; and many become his friends. In addition to numerous European items, the menu has extensive Thai offerings. Chicken with cashew nuts is one of my favourites. They also offer several set menus that include choices of starters, mains, dessert, and coffee. These range in price from a bit under to a bit over 200 baht.

If you haven’t, yet, tried ANTZ,

what are you waiting for? It’s located in Jomtien Complex adjacent to the Jomtien Complex Condotel; on the same soi as Dick’s Café. Their original branch is located in the View Talay 1 Condominium. This large, attractive, airy bistro has a huge selection of Thai and European cuisine. The food is delicious and the prices are surprisingly reasonable. My introduction to yellow curry with chicken (kaeng ka-ri kai) was at the original ANTZ about ten years ago; and I haven’t found better yellow curry anywhere else, since. If Or Ah Harn Thai is out of crab, you can, most likely, get your crab and curry powder fix here at ANTZ. Other tasty choices are sweet and sour chicken or shrimp; fried broccoli with shrimp and, of course, tom yum goong. Generally,

Thai dishes will set you back in the neighborhood of 100 baht, give or take. Wash it down with a Chang Beer or a glass of wine and you’ll probably get change from your 200 baht.

Pak Boon Fai Dang (The Flying Vegetable), located on Second Road, between Pattayaland Sois 2 and 3, is a large joint with metal tables and inside and outside seating. If you’re lucky, you’ll catch the staff tossing and catching cooked vegetables across Second Road. The food’s good too; and reasonably priced. This is also a place you don’t go to for the ambiance; but maybe you’ll catch them playing ‘toss the vegetables ‘over the Second Road traffic.

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com.

Ken at the Little Mango

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com

Pattaya’s Gastronomic Delights Many visitors to Fun Town see carts selling dried squid around the city and probably don’t give them a second thought, after their first one, which is probably to avoid them like the plague.

But we beg to differ.

These dried squid are reheated over a grill, rolled through a mini mangle to make them softer, and are very tasty and cheap (usually 20 baht for three small ones).

Taste aside, for the amount of work that goes into preparing them, they are well worth the money and the experience of trying them.

And in keeping with our policy of encouraging our readers to spend money in the wider Thai economy in Pattaya, why not try them, at least once, and see what you think.

Mr Steve Plane with his Thai partner Khun Mali, the winners of the Thai Garden Resort special Valentine's Day dinner for two. The dinner was a prize donated by Thai Garden Resort and featured on the Johnny Diamond Morning Show on Pattaya 105 FM.

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GAYMARCH Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com

I recently spent a few days in Manila doing some sightseeing and checking out the gay scene. Although, there’s probably nowhere on earth with gay life to compare to that found in Thailand, Manila’s is pretty vibrant and extensive.

Despite the strong influence of the Catholic Church, homosexuality is legal, open and tolerated in the Philippines. (Age of consent is 18.)

The Malate district is known as a ‘bohemian’ area and is a center for gay venues. It’s very easy to meet young men in the city. Lots of cruising goes on in the malls (especially Robinson’s); on the streets and almost everywhere. Head to the intersection of Orosa and Nakpil Streets, in Malate, and you’ll find a concentration of gay bars and venues, somewhat akin to Silom Soi 4 in Bangkok. Bed is a two-storey party palace for dinking and dancing. It opens late and doesn’t close until sunup. O Bar features hunky waiters and drag shows. They have go-go boys on the weekends.

Manila’s ‘macho dancing bars’ are the closest you’ll come to Bangkok or Pattaya style go-go bars.

However, there is no ‘bar fine’ system; and you can’t take off the dancers. (On the other hand, in some cases, you can make private arrangements to meet a dancer after work, which is usually 4 am or later; or the next afternoon.) You pay a cover charge and there is a minimum of two drinks in most of these bars. If you want a boy to sit with you, you’re expected to buy him a drink (at about three times the price of a customer drink) and he’ll sit with you for about 45 minutes. Of course, you’re expected to tip him as well. The dancers usually come onstage one or two at a time, dressed in jeans and high, leather boots. They, eventually, strip down to a bikini; and many circulate among the audience with their members out at full staff. If you touch, a one hundred peso (about 80 baht) tip is appreciated. White Bird (Paranaque) is probably the

PATTAYA’S HOT MALES classiest of the macho dancing bars. Another popular one is Big Papa (Pasay City), which presented a very entertaining cabaret show on the weekend.

There are also several saunas, which can get pretty wild in the dark areas. Epitome and Club Bath are two of the most popular and get quite crowded on weekends All venues require you to check your guns and mobile phones, upon entrance. All in all, if you want to experience the gay scene in another country, you could do a lot worse than Manila.

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Pattaya HotMale has opened in Jomtien Complex (Soi 1 next to Ole’s Restaurant, across from Two Faces). A logical extension of the popular website (www. pattayahotmale.com), it’s a one stop center for all kinds of information for gay tourists and expats.

You can get the scoop on upcoming events, bars, restaurants, places to stay and anything else you might want to know. They also have condos and houses for sale and rent. What’s more, original homoerotic art by Khun Kay (Thailand’s representative in the upcoming Mr. Gay World competition to be held in Manila), is on display and for sale.

They have fresh coffee and snacks on offer. So, stop in and say hello to Mike and his partner, Ton; and while you’re there, pick up the latest copy of one of Thailand’s gay publications, as well as, the latest issue of Pattaya One. It’s open Tuesday through Sunday 10 am until 6 pm (opens 2 pm on Sundays).

Sunday, 6 March is the Mardi Gras street party in Boyz Town.

Lots of fun and entertainment is promised, including the singers Toi and DK (DK was half of the former El Duo.); as well as lucky draws and a host of international ‘artistes.

Pattaya: One Rainbow Ism’s, schism’s and prisons

By James Barnes Sensitive readers, delicate souls, politically correct zealots, do not read on. This will not appeal to your manifesto. It will assault your sensibilities. It will pervert your agenda. Derail your bandwagon.

So leave now. Look away. Go read some George Monbiot or some Enid Blyton. On second (and third) thoughts, better thoughts, you are discordially invited to please stay and read on. Get hooked up to your blood pressure monitor. Let’s see how high it gets. Grab a bucket and place it on the other side of your room to receive the gush of your projectile, vitriolic vomit.

One of the great things about being a hack is that you get to talk to some fascinating folk. Yours truly recently interviewed that gay Thai movie maverick, 2010 Cannes Palme D’Or winner, Apichatpong Weerasethakul. Awarded for his dreamlike film, Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall Past Lives, you can read the full interview in this month’s OUT in Thailand maga-

zine. It was the first time he had spoken to a gay publication and despite having been feted by the New York Times, The Guardian and a regiment of the world’s press, he had also never addressed the subject of gay rights.

“I will never support gay rights outright because I feel that being gay or straight is not special. You don’t need to shout out to get attention. I would support human rights - that’s what many Thais don’t realize we have. Then we can lessen the discriminatory practices.” These are the wise words of Apichatpong, speaking to OUT iT. A not so simple country boy from Khon Kaen. Follow his lead and the world will be a better place.

Forget about feminism. Abandon railing against racism. Discard the anti sexism battle. All your ism’s and schism’s are worthless.

Your blind beliefs are just politically correct fascism. They put you in a ghetto of your own construction. A prison of your own making.

They narrow your view and put you in a cage of competition that con-

tradicts cooperation. That factual friction of fighting factions that undermine your goals and aspirations and renders your arguments impotent, unheard amongst the ceaseless clatter of the chattering classes is a waste of your idealistic energies. Get the message?

You gain comfort on board the bandwagon of populist political correctness. Time to get uncom-

fortable. Free yourself from philosophical fashion. Liberate yourself from the consolation and cosiness of your campaign committees and support groups. We only need one ism. Humanism. Win that and all the other isms and schisms are dealt with.

James Barnes is editor-in-chief of OUT in Thailand Magazine

Prostate Exam...

Thai Style After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Australian National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test done while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip

off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

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Pattaya One 17

Fun Town’s most vibrant

THAI Lite

Horrid Airways and the Airport from Hell

being, a rare occurrence in a country increasingly run by machines.

The lady was friendly and helpful. “Go over to the kiosk by the dinosaur and rebook your flight,” she said, pointing.

The dinosaur? Baffled, I thanked her and headed off. Eventually I came to another service booth, and said, “I need to rebook my flight. I was told to do it by the dinosaur.

But there’s no dinosaur here, and anyway, who would be so stupid as to put a dinosaur in an airport?”

The lady laughed. “Oh, the dinosaur is right there,” she said, pointing upward. I goggled upward, and sure enough, high above me loomed the skull of a brontosaurus, attached to the complete skeleton.

“Jesus!” I cried.

I began to have serious concerns about the mental health of a populace who bought robotic sharks and nail fungus remover and put dinosaur skeletons in their airports.

The weirdification of America had made alarming progress.

More weirdness awaited me. You couldn’t rebook a flight through a human being; you had to tap out your choices on a computer screen.

The procedure was new to me, and when I begged for help from attendants hovering in the background,

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in my window seat, starving and forlorn, I figured things couldn’t get any worse.

And then I arrived at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.

O’Hare has become famous as possibly the most chaotic airport in the world, with flights delayed, planes piled up on the tarmac, and fleets of desperate aircraft circling overhead waiting for a place to land.

The tales of frazzled passengers waiting for days for connecting flights have become legendary.

They should rename it O’Hell.

My ordeal was a funfest by comparison. My incoming flight had been delayed; I had 15 minutes to make my connecting flight. That was a concourse away, and I galloped through the walkways till I came to the relevant gate.

“Need to get on the flight to Boston,” I gasped, thrusting my boarding pass at the gate attendant.

He didn’t even look at me.

“Gone,” he barked. “Go there.” And he pointed to a line of barriers bearing signs that read “DO NOT ENTER.” Charmed by his helpfulness, I sought out a customer service booth. It was staffed by a human

S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when he’s fantasizing about grandmotherly flight attendants.

Where to find Pattaya One

By S. Tsow

On my recent visit to the United States, I was appalled at the deterioration of airline service and the chaos that engulfs some airports.

We’re talking Third World stuff here, folks, and the US used to be considered a First World country.

I was flying on an American airline, mainly to rack up some mileage on their frequent flyer program. Call it Horrid Airways, to avoid lawsuits. (Motto: “If it’s horrid, it’s Horrid.”)

Gone was any hope of gorgeous young stewardesses serving free beer and wine and delicious hot meals that would shame the chefs of most five-star restaurants.

Some of the flight attendants appeared to be grandmothers, tottering down the aisles dispensing culinary largesse. Dinner was a packet of mini-pretzels and a soft drink. If you wanted anything more, they offered box lunches at five dollars a shot. Alcoholic drinks also cost five dollars, and they allowed you only one.

I sought solace in the in-flight magazine, which advertised robotic sharks and nail fungus remover.

I wondered what kind of people would buy such things. Cramped

their answer was “Use the computer, sir.” What were they there for window dressing? Maybe their function was to prevent crazed passengers from smashing the computers.

Finally I managed to rebook. By now I was nearing death from starvation, so I bought a sandwich from a scowling vendor. The price: $7.16 (250 baht). The outrageousness of such larceny was exceeded only by the staleness of the sandwich.

How I pined for a steaming bowl of noodles served by a smiling Thai vendor!

My flight was scheduled to leave in two hours, but that stretched on to four, and they changed the departure gate five times. These changes were posted on the “Departures” board. If you didn’t keep a close eye on it, you’d end up sitting at the wrong gate and your flight would leave without you.

By the time I got on the plane, those mini-pretzels tasted pretty good.

Even the grandmotherly flight attendants looked good.

Sales Marketing Manager We are looking for a hard-working, enthusiastic Thai national preferably with marketing skills and a good command of English, to sell advertising for the paper, on a mixed commission/salary basis.

Please contact marketing@pattayaone.net or call Howard on 087 747 8555 for more information. หนังสือพิมพ์พัทยาวัน รับสมัครผู้จัดการฝ่ายการตลาด wมีความกระตือรือร้น wสัญชาติไทย wมีประสบการณ์ด้านการตลาดจะพิจารณาเป็นพิเศษ wขายสื่อโฆษณาของหนังสือพิมพ์ wสามารถสื่อสารภาษาอังกฤษได้ wมีเงินเดือนและคอมมิชชั่น สนใจติดต่อและสมัครงานด้วยตัวเองได้ที่

อีเมล์: marketing@pattayaone.net หรือ คุณฮาวเวิรด์ 087 747 8555

18 Pattaya One

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Thai Business Acquisition Consultants Co Ltd

‘The Company you can trust’ 245/142-3 Moo 9 Third Road, Central Pattaya, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150

Telephone: 087 283 5349

sven.tbac@gmail.com www.businessbrokersasia.com Businesses for Sale

In business to sell businesses Rest & Guesthouse THB 6.95 million

Massage Parlours THB 6.9 million Ref: 0372/SLN & 0373/SLN Two massage parlours, both located in high foot traffic areas of Central Pattaya. Each has Jaccuzi, Sauna, traditional Thai body and foot massage. Easy to manage and very profitable.

Ref: 0383/SLN Profitable business 6 - storey double shop house located on Jomtien Beach Road.

Ground floor restaurant with 6 studio rental rooms, staff rooms and penthouse on upper floors.

Rent THB 85,000 per month.

Bar & Guesthouse THB 7.95 million Ref: 0377/SLN Profitable business located in triple, 4 storey shop house in Central Pattaya. 3 businesses in one. Ground floor bar with16 rental rooms on the upper floors.

Long lease with no Key Money.

Finance

available

Pub/Restaurant THB 11.75 million

Lounge Bar with Rooms THB 5.2 million

Bar/Rest/Rooms THB 20.95 million

Ref: 0326/SLN Profitable business, located on Soi Bua Khao. Large ground floor bar, kitchen & 3 en suite bedrooms. Sale price includes rent fully paid till August 2011.

No key money.

Ref: 0356/SLN Large bar with external terrace Luxury Jacuzzi room, three additional guest rooms, large apartment & offices.

Long lease - rent THB 60,000 per month. No Key Money

Ref: 0378/SLN Located in East Pattaya.

Ground floor bar & restaurant with rooms above. Very profitable business. Sale price includes land & buildings.

Restaurant THB 1.35 Million

Beer Bar THB 2.5 million

Pub/Restaurant THB 15.5 million

Ref: 0384/SLN Delightful restaurant set in beautiful landscaped garden.

Detached house located just off Thepprasit Road. Seating capacity for 40+ diners. Rent 26,000 baht per month.

Ref: 0387/SLN Profitable beer bar with seating for 70+ customers located in Soi just off Walking Street in the heart of the night life action.

Ref: 0362/SLN Located in East Pattaya.

Sought-after English style pub and restaurant. 3 bedrooms all en suite.

Sale price includes land and building.

0313/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house located in busy soi just off Beach Road, Central Pattaya. Ground floor bar with 5 rental rooms on the upper floors. Rent only 9,000 baht per month. Key Money has been paid till March 2012. Sale Price: 1.65 million baht 0319/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house located in Jomtien. Ground floor bar, with 4 rental rooms & large apartment on upper floors. Long lease available. Key Money paid till January 2013. Rent 25,000 baht per month. Sale Price: 1.65 million baht Freehold also available for an additional 6 million baht 0331/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single – end unit located on Thappraya Road between Pattaya and

Finance

available

Jomtien Beach. Ground floor bar with 2 rooms & 2 large apartments on upper floors. Profitable business. Sale Price: 2.75 million baht 0320/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house, located in busy ‘night life’ area of Jomtien.

Ground floor bar, with kitchen facilities and 4 rooms on the upper floors. Rent 30,000 baht per month and No Key Money. Sale Price: 2.65 million baht 0284/SLN – Bar with Rooms 3 storey double shop house, located in the heart of the ‘night life’ action on Soi 6. Ground floor bar with 6 rooms and a large apartment on upper floors. The bar was totally refurbished in February 2010. Rent 30,000 baht per month and Key Money has been fully paid till Dec. 2011 Sale Price: 3.65 million baht

0380/SLN – Apartment Block 2 storey, 20 rental rooms apartment block located in East Pattaya. Currently rooms are rented to Thai citizens. Included in sale price is the land and buildings. Sale Price: 4.9 million baht

business is earning good profits which the current owner can verify. Included in the sale price is the land and buildings. Good investment opportunity.

Sale Price: 29.9 million baht

0382/SLN – Sports Club Located in central Pattaya. Club house and sport facilities. Low rent and No Key Money. Profitable business and comes with a Limited Company enabling any potential foreign buyer to apply for a work permit. Sale Price: 6.9 million baht

0352/SLN – Gentlemans Club with residence.Private house on corner plot, very close to Soi Country Club road with access to communal swimming pool. Ground floor lounge, kitchen and bar. 3 bedrooms on upper floor.

Sale price includes building and land in Foreign ownership with company.

Sale Price: 7 million

0247/SLN – Pub & Restaurant.

Located in South Pattaya. On the ground floor is an English style pub and restaurant with a swimming pool and office. On the upper floors are 12 rental rooms and a laundry room The

0371/SLN - Mini Mart Profitable Mini Mart. Exclusively located on the ground floor of an apartment block in south Pattaya. Rent only THB 10,000 per month. Ideal business for wife or girlfriend. Sale Price: 1.25 million baht

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 19

20 Pattaya One

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

14 February 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 03 Jan 10 Jan 17 Jan 24 Jan 31 Jan 07 Feb 14 Feb 21 Feb Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points

WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

B/F

1 BOWLING GREEN 2 PALMERS 3 CHEERS 4 OFFSHORE BAR 5 THE LONDONER 6 RISING SUN 7 NOM'S BAR 8 NERVOUS WRECK 9 W. TANKIE 10 LEGENDS

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

749 754 715 681 665 673 653 643 598 496

91 93 76 58 50 53 44 44 29 11

84 84 88 83 78 78 76 75 69 41

Percentage correct by round this Geog. week.

60.0%

10 10 12 7 6 6 4 3 2 1

86 84 86 76 76 76 74 86 76 74

Sport

12 7 12 6 6 6 2 12 6 2

70 68 66 77 71 74 67 68 53 52

7 6 3 12 8 10 4 6 2 1

84 73 82 80 78 72 83 67 69 43

12 5 8 7 6 4 10 2 3 1

74 74 80 82 82 66 82 72 64 56

6 6 7 12 12 3 12 4 2 1

76 75 74 79 62 65 70 55 49 54

10 8 7 12 4 5 6 3 1 2

88 83 80 81 81 87 81 78 83 53

History Movies Science Reading General

1311 1295 1271 1239 1193 1191 1186 1144 1061 869

12 8 3 6 6 10 6 2 8 1 All

48.6% 81.4% 90.0% 90.7% 88.6% 95.0% 79.5%

160 143 128 120 98 97 88 76 53 20

Average Team Total: 79.5

R1Q1: Q: Between which two cities is the shortest regular intercontinental commercial flight? A: Gibraltar and Tangiers.

Palmers appealed for Ankara to Istanbul, and Offshore for Tunis to Seville. The distance from Tangiers to Gibraltar is 42.8 miles, from Ankara to Istanbul 219 miles and Tunis to Seville 868 miles. So the Gibraltar route is by far the shortest, and Wikipedia calls Gibraltar a city. Appeal denied.

R1Q3: Q: In which desert is the city of Las Vegas? A: Mojave Desert. Legends and Nervous Wreck appealed for Nevada Desert. From Wikipedia: Las Vegas, Nevada is the largest city in the Mojave, with a metropolitan population of around 1.9 million in 2006. Appeal denied.

Results for 9th February 2011

05 Jan 12 Jan 19 Jan 26 Jan 02 Feb 09 Feb 16 Feb 23 Feb 02 Mar 09 Mar Total

1 SHAGWELL MANSION 2 PALMERS 3 RISING SUN 4 OFFSHORE 5 BOWLING GREEN 6 CHEERS 7 THE LONDONER 8 W. TANKIE 9 NERVOUS WRECK 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER

3 2 2 1 2 3 2 3 3 1 1

3 1 3 3 3 2 3 1 2 1 1

Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com

3 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1 1 3

1 3 3 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1

3 3 1 3 3 1 3 1 1 3 1

3 3 3 1 1 3 1 3 3 1 1

3 3 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1 1

100 104 66 92 102 L

HOME Bowling Green Palmers Queen Victoria Rising Sun Shagwell Mansion Bye

19 18 18 17 16 16 14 13 12 9 9 AWAY W. Tankie Nervous Wreck Offshore Cheers The Bunker The Londoner

84 82 102 86 74 W

R2Q2: Q: In which sport would you find a telltale and a service box? A: Squash. Palmers appealed for Yachting as they had never heard of a telltale in squash. One of the meanings of telltale, from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: a strip of metal on the front wall of a racquets or squash court above which the ball must be hit. There does not appear to be a service box in yachting. Appeal denied.

R3Q1 Q: What sized ball is a game of netball played with? A: Size 5. Queen Victoria (who put 10 inches) though the question rather vague. From Wikipedia: The ball is made of leather, rubber or similar material, measures 690mm-710mm in circumference and weighs 400-450grams. This is known as a size 5 netball. A circumference of 690-710mm would give a diameter of 220-226mm or 8!-9 inches.

Appeal denied.

R3Q3: Which two cities had the first underground railway systems? A: London and Budapest. Bowling Green appealed for London and Glasgow. From Wikipedia: The Budapest Metro is the rapid transit system in the Hungarian capital Budapest. It is the second-oldest underground metro system in the world after the London Underground. Appeal denied.

R3Q8 Q: What was Muhammad Ali's birth name? A: Cassius Clay. The Bunker and Shagwell were both marked incorrect for Cassius Marcellus Clay. From Wikipedia: Muhammad Ali (born Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr.; January 17, 1942) is a former American boxer. Two points to both teams.

R3Q5: Q: Who commissioned the Arc de Triomphe in Paris? A: Napoleon I. Cheers appealed for Napoleon III, and Offshore and Londoner for Napoleon Bonaparte. From Wikipedia's article on the Arc: It was commissioned in 1806 after the victory at Austerlitz by Emperor Napoleon at the peak of his fortunes. In 1806 Napoleon I, or Napoleon Bonaparte was on the French throne. Two points to Offshore and The Londoner.

R4Q7: Q: Which are the only two non-British makes of car that James Bond has used? A: BMW and Toyota. According to Wikipedia there are several other non-British cars that Bond has used in the movies including Alfa Romeo, American Motors, Audi, American Ford, General Motors, Honda, Volvo and Renault. I will allow any of these. One point to W. Tankie and Palmers.

R5Q3: Q: What is the two word name of the study of the motion of the earth's crust? A: Plate Tectonics. Nom's appealed for Tectonic movement. Plate Tectonics is the correct term. Appeal denied.

sudoku answers

R5Q6: Q: In which organ of the human body would you find the pineal gland? A: The Brain. Bowling Green appealed for "behind the nose". I don't think "behind the nose" is an organ! Appeal denied.

NB: There will be an end-of-season meeting at Palmers on Friday 25th February at 3:00pm. Would all bar owners or their representatives please be sure to attend. Thanks, Ian.

Next week's matches 28th February 2011: Bowling Green vs. Nervous Wreck, Londoner vs. W. Tankie, Nom's vs. Cheers, Palmers vs. Legends, Offshore vs.

Rising Sun.

R5Q8 Q: On what occasions would the Royal Standard be flown at half-mast? A: Never. Palmers appealed for "Death of a Royal". From Wikipedia: the Royal Standard is never flown at half mast, even after the death of the sovereign, as there is always a sovereign on the throne. Appeal denied.

Next week's matches March 2nd 2011: Bowling Green vs. Nervous Wreck, Bunker vs. Offshore, Cheers vs. W. Tankie, Londoner vs. Shagwell, Palmers vs. Queen Victoria, Rising Sun bye.

A Full Moon Imagine the scene.

In deepest Isaan, a gentle breeze ripples through the ricefields, the distant calls of cattle can be heard floating through the palm trees.

A full moon rises, stunningly silhouetting the bells of the local temple, as they gently tinkle in the quiet night air. From elsewhere, not a sound.

Well, you can imagine that, but the photograph (left) was taken in the car park of Wat Chaimongkol Temple, slap bang in the centre of Pattaya.

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Pattaya One 21

It’s a Wonderful World Sitting in a Pattaya beer bar reading a free copy of yesterday’s Bangkok Post, I can’t help the feeling that this world is not in such a great state. If I believed in any god then I’d have to draw the conclusion that he or she was a tad upset with us at the moment. Take the punishment just dished out to Australia; floods and cyclones along the east coast, bush fires on the west coast and, in the north, Darwin hit by yet another cyclone. Add to those natural disasters the man-made uprisings in the Middle East and North Africa and you have the world appearing to be on a collision course with catastrophe.

After all, 2012 is almost here. It would be great to have a crystal ball to find out exactly how it’s all going to turn out, but that is science fiction so we just have to rely on guesswork. And it is my guess that if or when the you-know-what does hit the global fan, the safest place will be Pattaya.

As far as natural disasters go, consider the geography of the place.

Pattaya is not in any earthquake prone area nor are we sitting in the neighbourhood of an active volcano.

We are protected from destructive

typhoons by Vietnam and Cambodia who cop the brunt of any foul weather whipped up in the South China Sea. We are protected from tsunamis because we are in the Gulf of Thailand. That long, skinny, Thai land mass directed south to Malaysia stops anything emanating from seismic activity along the Indonesian fault line.

For a tsunami to hit Pattaya it would have to start somewhere in the Gulf of Thailand and there are no geological problems there that I’ve heard about. We don’t get bush fires because there is no bush left to burn and when Pattaya floods, it is nowhere near Biblical proportions and dissipates quickly.

That leaves us with man-made problems which are much more probable and harder to assess.

There has been a lot of sabre-rattling between Thailand and Cambodia recently but it would be difficult to imagine the two countries going to

war over four square kilometres of disputed dirt, wouldn’t it? It is safe to say that the two neighbours have never liked each other and probably never will, but to send young men to die over something so trivial would be sheer madness. Surely sanity will prevail. And if it doesn’t, only a brave gambler would back Cambodia to win. Therefore, Pattaya seems fairly safe from Khmer invasion.

But what about a non-violent invasion? Nobody could fail to notice the “Russian Invasion” of our fine city, with around a million Russians visiting Pattaya last year.

That is up from merely thousands in 2006. (By the term ‘Russians’ I mean people from any of the former republics of the Soviet Union and not just those from Russia itself.)

The evidence is everywhere, with Russian accents, Russian restaurants and Russian subtitles on signage becoming commonplace. Does this mean that English will be replaced as the unofficial second language of Pattaya and vodka sales will surpass Chivas Regal? Could you imagine Russian songs on all the karaoke machines and the Volga Boatman song replacing Hotel California?

Now, I’ve got nothing against Russians. In fact, I don’t think I even know any. But Thai hostesses, vendors and transport operators have told me the Russians aren’t spending money at the grass roots of Thai society. Sure, they arrive with a suitcase full of US currency and may buy a condo, a beach or buy the town, but they won’t buy a girl a drink! I’m sure, once they become available, statistics will refute that and show Russians spending more per person per day than any other nationality. But they are not spending it where it is most needed and

that is why I suspect the ‘Russian Invasion’ may not be sustained.

What will be sustained is the covert invasion from a country much closer to home. The economic tentacles and industrial might of China is gradually but surely making its presence felt in every corner of the globe, not just Thailand.

You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see that with the inevitable demise of the US imperialists and all their running dogs, China will be more than ready to take over the reins. They are already investing in and building infrastructure projects across the world to suit the collective good of the Motherland. They are constructing deep-water ports where deep water is not necessary, unless you are the captain of a Chinese submarine. All-weather roads, bridges and railway lines are being built with Chinese money and to Chinese specifications; large enough and strong enough to carry the latest Chinese T99 tanks. The rail system linking Kunming in China with Laos, Burma, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Malaysia is a fantastic idea that, as well as being a tourist bonanza, will be able to quickly transport 500,000 Chinese armoursupported peacekeepers all the way through to Singapore. The Chinese are very patient so we may not be around to see it, but it is coming.

While we brush up on our Mandarin and wait for the inevitable, what about the possibility of a popular uprising here in Thailand?

What if the riots and protests in North Africa and the Middle East have a domino effect which reaches Thailand? “Sir, the people are revolting!” Well, those of us who have been in the country since 2000 are well used to such events. We have seen it all before and Pattaya is still standing. I suspect the many political problems Thailand has had over the last decade had the least consequences on the citizens of Fun Town.

Getting back to the title of this missive, it is a wonderful world as long as you are in Pattaya. We are multi-cultural, peaceful, tolerant and probably too affected by alcohol to really give a rat’s bum about anything. You never know, at some point in the future it may turn out that the safest place in the world is reclining in a short-time room in Soi 6.

22 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Our Man in

By Duncan Stearn

Pattaya

A good walk spoiled There I was in the smallest room in the house, having one of my regular out-of-body experiences when a series of thoughts struck me. First, a lot of people play golf in Pattaya; second, the eastern seaboard is noted for having a lot of courses all within relatively easy reach; third, these courses are considered to be of a high standard and fourth, why do thoughts of this nature come to me after a really hard night of drinking and carousing?

After a little more carousing my thoughts occasionally meandered towards golf, so I decided to become involved in this social past-time and maybe do enough damage to my lower back to turn a local chiropractor into a baht millionaire.

I can say I have attempted to play golf on two previous occasions.

To the manager of the North Manly golf links please be assured the series of divots from holes one through to five were not intentional; I hadn’t quite grasped the length of the shaft, if you’ll pardon the expression. This was my first time on a golf course and I didn’t realize I could hit a ball so fast, and at a ninety-degree angle. Or that it could do so much damage to a sliding door. And a porcelain tea service. I was still at school, so you didn’t have to throw me off the course and threaten me with legal action and expulsion.

If you happen to be the man in the green tweed jacket, checked tartan plus fours and wearing a loud Panama hat on the fifth hole at the Coffs Harbour course back in 1993 then I apologise. Somebody told me I should have shouted ‘four’, but I replied this was golf, not cricket. They informed me ‘four’ was the accepted term used to warn a player ahead of you a misdirected golf ball was about to land on their exposed melon. Believe me when I say I wasn’t aiming at you. OK, I didn’t think I’d be able to hit you at that distance.

With these two experiences under my belt, I made my way to a golf course near Pattaya. I won’t embarrass them by telling you which course.

“What’s your handicap?” asked a man in a green tweed jacket, checked tartan plus fours and a loud Panama hat. “Oh, I didn’t think you had to be physically disabled; just mentally disturbed,” I replied.

I went around in 198. Then they told me there were still nine more holes to go. “In this heat? You must be kidding?” No wonder Noel Coward’s ‘mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun’ came ringing in my head.

I think my caddy had been smoking some really good grass because all she seemed to be doing was falling about the place laughing her head off. I’d select a club, and she’d laugh; I’d settle into my stance, and she’d giggle (loudly); I’d play my shot and she’d cackle like a somtam lady at a cock fight.

What really put me off was when she said, “Oh, you joking too much.

I never see someone play like you before.”

Whoever invented golf must have been a frustrated ornithologist with scoring terms like ‘birdie’, ‘eagle’, and ‘albatross’. These feathered terms are used for good scores.

The terms used for my round are not printable in a publication such as this.

While I was in the clubhouse after this deplorable effort I realized where I was going wrong. First, I was not wearing the right style of golfing attire and second, I needed to change my name. Consider some of the most recent of noted players: Curtis Strange, Fuzzy Zoeller, Steve Elkington (an endangered species of herd animal) and my favourite, Loudon Wainwright III. Oh, sorry, he was the guy famous for the song Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road; I meant Davis Love III. In 1935, Mr. Justice Trout (probably a fly fisherman) made the following observation in his judgement in a case involving unseemly conduct on a golf course: ‘Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth…’

Unless I change my name to something like Donegal Stirrfart IV, I shall heed Mark Twain’s admonition that, ‘Golf is a good walk spoiled.’ Then again, the caddy did have a cute face and a nice smile.

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11 The fog of confusion: A couple of issues back I wrote a piece about the Babydolls go-go (Soi 15, off Walking Street) in which I clearly missed the ‘mark’ with some people who seemed to get the impression I didn’t like the den. Certainly, when I re-read my piece, knowing what had to be cut because of space constraints in the newspaper, I realised it was indeed possible to jump to the wrong conclusion. So, let me pose myself a simple question to see if my answer makes my position as clear as the proverbial bell.

Would I rate Babydolls as a ‘must-visit’ for first-timers, those who are regularly returning or expats on a night out? My answer is an unequivocal yes. Given the fact there are about 75 go-go bars in Pattaya, I would personally put Babydolls into the top five. As for being a ‘fun’ bar it definitely rates in the top two or three. I have no doubt the ‘fun’ factor was one of the major reasons they have been voted as the best in Pattaya (for the third successive year) via an on-line poll conducted by a locally-based website. Come into Babydolls and you won’t be left alone for very long. If you can’t have fun in here then you are a very hard marker indeed.

The top of the heap: I don’t believe there is a single ‘stand-out’ den in Fun Town. Tastes vary from person to person. For example the first or second timer wants to find the youngest, prettiest, sexiest girl hanging off a chrome pole with whom he can engage in horizontal folk dancing classes and brag to his mates back home that he’s ‘had a stunner’. Many expats and regular visitors are more interested in getting together with a friendly lady who’ll show them a good time both between the sheets and over a full English breakfast. The punters in the second bracket realistically make up the majority of bar hoppers in Fun Town.

My personal current top five gogo bars, in alphabetical order -not personal rating- are: Angelwitch and Babydolls (both in Soi 15), Baccara (Walking Street), Club Oasis (Soi Buakhow) and Heaven Above (Soi Diamond). These five are the places I would take a firsttime visitor to see because I can be 99 percent certain they will enjoy what’s on offer.

Regarding Angelwitch, as most people are probably aware, the Pattaya and Bangkok dens have been sold and new management take the reins on 1 March. Hopefully, the same standard of shows will be maintained as those developed by Matt and Pim over the years.

The genuine bottom of the pile: The places I object to in Fun Town are the ones where some traumatized amphibian is unceremoniously excreted like a primordial birthing from the confines of

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

N ghtmarch

By Duncan Stearn

the pudenda of a bloated harridan.

These include Rocket and Byblos (both on Soi Diamond) and Hot Girls (Walking Street), where unsuspecting tourists (usually from Eastern Europe) are charged 200 baht for a ticket to watch the ride, albeit with a free glass of amber froth thrown in. Any place that requires a ticket to enter should be avoided like the plague.

Another stroll on the Dark Side: While this column generally concentrates on the road much traveled, that is Walking Street and its environs as well as the dens stretching east as far as Soi Buakhow, I do occasionally manage to explore the boozers situated on the eastern side of Sukhumvit Road.

A friend -who lives out on the Dark Side- and I decided to trek about a few of the better-known afternoon Sierra Tango joints to get an idea of what we might be missing. At the end of the day I can tell you the short answer is, not much.

We kicked off in the Mango dine and dash establishment (Soi Kow Noi). The last time I was in there was a pool table (20 baht a game) close by the main bar, but this has now been put outside and a couple of tiled dividers have been installed.

These can be found in a number of afternoon establishments over on the Dark Side and are colloquially called ‘Soi Suck’ by the wallet emptiers employed in the bars. It is hardly a surprise to anyone who lives over this way or visits that one can walk into a darkened den such as this and witness a number of bobbing heads, and they’re not in search of toffee apples at a Church fete. The word ‘discreet’ is not one you’ll find in the Dark Side bargirl dictionary.

Mango only had a small staff of six or so serving personnel on hand and a couple of these had surely been brought out of retirement.

After all, how many places would be prepared to employ a couple of ladies who were well within striking range of their half-century in terms of age? Admittedly, both could pass for being a few years younger, but then again the light is dim in Mango.

We left there are went up Soi Kow Noi to the Black Sheep boozer. This is a much brighter place in terms of lighting and boasts a good quality pool table (free). The eight or 10 girls were dressed quite sexily in fetching predominantly red outfits (think Christmas and Santa’s little helpers) but most were

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carrying a bit too much beef (think Christmas and Santa Claus without a beard, in a short dress). They were a friendly bunch and know their way around the pool table, and probably around the extensive menu of the Red Lion noshery just a few metres away.

Digressing slightly, the aforementioned Red Lion serves meals that are guaranteed to fill even the emptiest of stomachs, in a clean, fresh and spacious environment and with friendly, attentive staff.

Well worth dropping by if you are in the area.

After we exited the Black Sheep we wandered further afield, into the Pussycat Club (Soi Ngern Plub Wan). From the outside the place fairly screams den of iniquity, but once inside we couldn’t figure out what the theme of the joint happens to be. The wallet emptying brigade consists of some poorly-attired ladyboys, a few old scrubbers who are well past their use-by date but still trying to dress as if they were sexy young things, a number of younger versions for whom eating is probably their most strenuous form of exercise, and a couple of reasonably attractive and young damsels (as one would hope to find).

The customers, of which there were certainly enough, were also a mixed crew. There were the usual bar trawlers looking for a short session with a willing bedmate, a few single men just out for a drink at the local either by themselves or with a mate, a few playing on the pool table at the back, and a couple of family groups: foreign mum and dad and the two kids. For the latter it was probably a more interesting place for a Sunday afternoon than

their old haunts in Shove-it-Inme, Somerset. As my mate reckoned, “perfect Sunday roast place.” Maybe I missed something but I can’t see myself going back there in a hurry.

After we left the Pussycat Club we returned to Soi Kow Noi and wandered into the fairly new and strangely named Go Gress dine and dash den. A narrow, nicely appointed bar with bench seating facing the wet bar it lacked any semblance of atmosphere. Lolly water is overpriced at 50 baht (most other places charge around 30 baht), although bottled amber was the standard 60 baht. The female talent was average and were a sad bunch who looked about as exciting as watching a funeral procession in a rainstorm. We left as soon as our drinks were finished, as did the other couple of customers who were already in the place when we arrived. Maybe another time and day it might be different, but I won’t be racing back here either.

We finished our day down at the Paradise, further down Soi Kow Noi. This was reasonably busy and definitely had a fun, party feel. The pool table (free for customers) was getting a good workout while a customer sat behind the Soi Suck divider had himself a couple of willing participants. While the girls are either fat, ugly, or old -or all three- they manage to make up for their lack of physical charms by being a very friendly and hands-on crew, perfect for the type of customers who frequent the Dark Side dens.

Piece of Pith: Confucious says: ‘Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cathouse.’

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24 Pattaya One

Flawed mapping and a misplaced stream were disregarded over the Preah Vihear temple dispute On 15 June 1962 in a judgement described as ‘peculiar in that it relied upon absence to startling effect’ the International Court of Justice (ICJ) voted 9-3 in favour of Cambodia in a case she had brought against Thailand in October 1959 over the sovereignty of the Preah Vihear temple, called Khao Phra Viharn by the Thais.

Applying the principle ‘He who keeps silent is held to consent if he must and can speak’, the majority justices claimed Thailand’s failure to protest the inaccuracy of a map drawn up under the provisions of a 1904 Franco-Siamese treaty and purporting to reflect the watershed line between the two states constituted tacit acceptance of the map line as the border.

The temple, atop a 525-metre high escarpment in the Dangrek mountain range, is on the border with Sisaket province. A French military officer in 1907 described the area as ‘desolate’ and ‘despairingly monotonous’.

Preah Vihear came to prominence in 1949 after being occupied by Thailand. Over the next decade, the French and then the Cambodians lodged futile diplomatic protests with Thailand before taking the case to the ICJ. Among the dozen justices hearing the case were Moreno Quintana (Argentina), Sir Gerald Fitzmaurice (United Kingdom), Wellington Koo (China), and Sir Percy Spender (Australia).

Fitzmaurice had been senior legal adviser at the British Foreign Office; Koo was a former President of the Republic of China, and ambassador to France, Britain, and the US, while Spender had been Australian ambassador to the US and Vice President of the UN General Assembly.

The first hearing, in April 1961, noted the dispute originated out of boundary settlements between Thailand and France, specifically the provisions of Article 1 of the 1904 treaty. This Article, delimiting the eastern frontier along the line of the watershed, was to be mapped by a Franco-Siamese Mixed Commission, which travelled along the

1 - 15 March 2011 Issue 11

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Sir Percy Spender.

One of three dissenting voices

Historical Feature

By Duncan Stearn Dangrek range.

Thailand did not possess the technical capacity to have maps prepared and depended on the accuracy of frontier charts, completed in 1907 by French officers.

Among these charts was Annex I, ‘a map of the Dangrek range showing Preah Vihear on the Cambodian side.’ It was this map Cambodia relied upon to support her temple sovereignty claim.

Flawed Thailand argued since Annex I was not the work of the Mixed Commission it had no binding character because the frontier indicated ‘was not the true watershed line…’, saying it previously accepted the map, ‘because of a mistaken belief that the frontier indicated corresponded with the watershed line.’

The ICJ agreed Annex I was not formally approved by the Mixed Commission, but the majority believed since there had been no reaction from Thailand at the time and for years afterwards ‘…they must be held to have acquiesced.’

Justice Fitzmaurice noted title to territory is abandoned ‘…by letting another country assume and carry out for many years all the responsibilities and expenses in connection with the territory concerned. Could anything be imagined more obviously amounting to acquiescence, that is in effect abandonment?’

In response, Thailand claimed she had been in possession of Preah Vihear and produced acts of her administration as evidence.

For the majority judges, Thailand’s implied acceptance of Annex I was considered crucial, suggesting she and France had come to a tacit agreement whereby the map line prevailed over Article 1 of the 1904 treaty. The judges felt there was no reason to think either country

attached any special importance to the line of the watershed ‘compared with the…importance of a final regulation of their own frontiers…’

The majority justices pronounced in favour of the frontier as ‘indicated on the Annex I map in the disputed area’ considering it unnecessary to consider whether the map line corresponded to the true watershed line.

Yet Justice Spender believed the fact Annex I was not produced until November 1907 was important since the Mixed Commission no longer existed. It never met after January 1907, which meant no report, sketch or working map, ‘in relation to the Dangrek frontier region… could ever have been placed before [it] for discussion or decision.’

The dissenting judges felt it was presumptuous to suggest, ‘…the Mixed Commission must…have made a decision delimiting the Dangrek by agreeing to the frontier line shown in or in the form of Annex I…’ These judges rejected Cambodia’s contention that Thailand’s request for France to draw the frontier maps was tacit acceptance by her of those maps as representing the border, suggesting the issuance of the maps was a separate matter and in no way binding upon Thailand.

As Spender noted, ‘the Temple was not of any great significance to either State in 1908-1909…’

Justice Quintana noted, ‘A wellestablished rule…embodied in Article 29 of the [1919] Treaty of Versailles…states…when there is a discrepancy concerning a frontier delimitation between the text of a treaty and maps, it is the text and not the maps which is final…An error remains an error and cannot by repetition make good acts of later date that are based upon that error.’

Quoting an arbitrator in another case, ‘If…legally relevant facts [exist] which contradict the statements of cartographers whose sources of

information are not known, he can attach no weight to the maps…’

Misplaced The contradiction was provided by Thailand’s expert witnesses, from the Netherlands-based International Training Centre for Aerial Survey, who pointed out a glaring mistake in Annex I regarding the location of a non-descript, but nonetheless important stream, the O.Tasem.

Their aerial survey discovered the O.Tasem passes to the south of a mountain known as Phnom Trap, but Annex I placed it to the north.

Spender noted this error meant Annex I did not conform ‘…with the treaty line of the watershed stipulated in Article 1 of the Treaty of 1904…’ The mapping error meant the frontier line was ‘…completely out of alignment with the line of the watershed in the region of the Temple...[leaving] the Temple wholly within… Cambodia.’

Quintana believed this raised only one question: ‘is the temple of Preah Vihear situated south of the line stipulated by the treaty-… in Cambodian territory-or north of it, [putting] the temple in Thai territory? The decisive geographical factor…is the line of the watershed…

A watershed is not an intellectual abstraction; it is the result of the characteristics of the terrain, and it is always a topographical featurethe crest of a mountain, the ridge of an escarpment or the height of a piece of land…’

The misplaced stream on Annex I therefore attributed, ‘to Cambodia territory to which she was not entitled,’ wrote Quintana. ‘Even if the alternative line had been the true line it would still not have left the temple area in Cambodian territory. And it is the question of the sovereignty over the temple that is put to the Court, and no other.

The waters of a river basin may run down from a promontory like one on which the temple is situated, but they can never run up it. That is obvious.’

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.