Pattaya One Newspaper Issue 20

One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

inside this issue:

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16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20 www.pattayaone.net

% Local News % Thai Lite % Your Health % Travel

No More ‘Made in Thailand’

Another Pattaya Landmark Bites the Dust The popular tourist market on Second Road, known as Made in Thailand, has finally been razed to the ground.

Sometimes the sweeping away of old buildings can be a sad event, but surely no-one except the stallholders can lament the passing of what was a stiflingly hot cattle shed, made hotter by the corrugated tin roof which covered it.

Known to some as the poor man’s sauna, on account of its suffocating heat, and resulting rivers of sweat that poured forth from every pore of its uncomfortable shoppers, the market has now been demolished and the site is being prepared for a new venture, which we will hazard a guess will not be a low-end, lowrent market complex.

It is interesting to see how the construction of new buildings can change the nature of an area.

For example here, the proximity of the huge and popular Central Shopping centre, very close to the old market has resulted in adjoining land prices rocketing skywards, so that instead of being content to receive low rents from small tenants, nearby landowners

By Staff Writers are now waking up to other, more profitable commercial possibilities.

Added to this the new, wealthier, family tourists to Pattaya, who have money and want to spend it in more upscale premises, particularly the Russians and Arabs, make some ventures commercially viable which would not have been so had it remained a one-horse town.

You see the same principle at work if you walk down Sois 7 and 8, where hotel ventures have replaced large swathes of beer bars over the past few years. It can’t be long before many of the remianing bars are just a memory.

Nonetheless, those with a thirst to quench or an ‘itch’ to be scratched, can still find somewhere to sate their desire just a beer bottle’s throw from the area around the old Made in Thailand market.

Pattaya is a resilient city, and Pattayans have always known how to make a fast buck, so it is little surprise that landowners in the city centre are now waking up to a broader range of commercial opportunities open to them on land which was previously underdeveloped.

The Made in Thailand market in 2010

The site today.

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These are NOT wanted pictures. These are your candidates

‘6’ of one; half a dozen or more of the other

By the early evening of Sunday 3 July, the residents of Pattaya, along with the rest of Thailand, were aware their fellow voters had overwhelmingly supported the Yingluck Shinawatra-led Pheu Thai party.

Thankfully, apart from a few incidents, the 2011 national election

the sale of alcohol. At 8:00am on Sunday, polling stations opened and continued until 3:00pm. There were some people who complained they were not able to vote even though they were registered to do so in Pattaya, as their names did not appear on the electoral register. All complaints were forwarded to the Electoral Commission for investigation.

By evening, as the count progressed, it was clear the Palangchon Party were going to win many seats around Chonburi Province. Out of eight voting districts, Palangchon won six, and also received enough votes for an additional party-list MP. The other two districts were won by Pheu Thai and the Democrat Party.

Palangchon officials were quick to align themselves with Pheu Thai and stated their intention to enter into a coalition government if they

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20 were invited to do so.

The fact one party managed to obtain a very clear mandate from the voters in Thailand is important for the future of reconciliation. If the parliament had once more been polarised (as it was after the December 2007 poll), then legitimacy for either was always going to be difficult. As it stands, the majority have had their say and the voices are clearly with Pheu Thai.

That said, the country is clearly divided in territorial terms. Most of the south and the western border areas belong to the Democrats.

The north and north-east belong to Pheu Thai. In Bangkok itself, the divide is also clear-cut on geographical lines. The south and west of the city belong to the Democrats.

The east is Pheu Thai. The results should be ratified by the Election Commission by the end of July.

proved relatively untroubled. In Chonburi, the Palangchon party, really a proxy of Pheu Thai, won a significant seven seats.

The weekend began in darkness for many as bars and other entertainment complexes around Pattaya were forced to close on the eve of the election due to restrictions on

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Child Protection Conference scheduled for Pattaya Preparations are underway for a three-day conference which will take place in Pattaya between the 24th and 26th October to discuss child exploitation around Asia.

Khun Prasit, assistant to the mayor of Pattaya chaired a meeting with two representatives from the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Center (CEOP), an organization based in London and supported in Thailand by the British Embassy.

Ms. Gabrielle Shaw, Head of International and Relations and Mr. Tim Gerrish, Education and Thailand Group Leader discussed the conference in October and officials from Pattaya City Hall said they will offer all the support they can.

CEOP is dedicated to eradicating the sexual abuse of children and work closely with police and governments around the world.

Further information on their work can be found by logging on to their website www.ceop.police.uk

danish expat involved in necklace snatch A 54-year-old Danish resident and his 30-year-old Thai girlfriend were the subject of an aggravated necklace snatch early one afternoon, which led to a dramatic chase around the streets of Pattaya as police attempted to apprehend the thieves.

The Dane was riding his motorbike along Thepprasit Road with his girlfriend as pillion passenger. They were on their way to book a taxi to the airport in Bangkok for a planned trip to Vietnam. Just near the junction with Soi 17 two men on a motorbike came up and snatched a gold necklace from the Thai female.

She was slightly injured in the theft.

Police and volunteers soon spotted the two offenders and gave chase. The alleged thieves raced through the streets of the city with officers in hot pursuit. They were eventually apprehended on North Pattaya Road, close to the Bus Terminal. As soon as the two suspects, both aged 17, were in custody, a search began for the gold necklace which had been discarded by them somewhere on North Pattaya Road.

The necklace could not be found and the two suspects were taken to Pattaya Police Station for further investigation.

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www.baanyai.asia 037 243 248 eng 084 958 6569 thai

Police arrest 18 wanted ‘voters’

Police from Banglamung arrested a total of 18 fugitives as they exercised their democratic right and voted in the general election at the Banglamung School polling station.

Officers had circulated arrest warrants to government officials and asked them to inform waiting police if any of these fugitives came to vote. Naturally, given that your average garden variety alleged criminal tends to be not too concerned with the functioning of a democracy, police were actually amazed to see that 18 wanted persons came to vote, even though they were aware they were wanted on serious offences. Then again, at the early voting the previous week, a man wanted for murder had been arrested when he came to cast a vote. You’d think that news alone

I have in my hand a piece of paper that will mean peace in our time

We might be wanted criminals but we just wanted to exercise our democratic right would have served as a warning to those who were arrested on the main polling day.

Police Colonel Somnook, the Chief of Banglamung Police held a press conference on the night of the election to announce the arrests and said 12 of the suspects were transported to Pattaya Police Station.

The other six were being held on remand at the Banglamung station.

The Colonel said the majority of the male suspects were wanted in connection with sexual assault of minors and one was wanted on an attempted murder charge.

One wonders how many wanted miscreants could be snared at one time if the police held a false lottery winners seminar?

04 Pattaya One

Frenchman with Anglo-Saxon name arrested on drugs charges A foreign resident of Pattaya was arrested on drug offences by police armed with an arrest warrant number issued on 1st July.

Police conducted a raid of a house in Soi 13 off Thappraya Road in Jomtien where they detained 28-year-old Mr Alexander Davis, who holds a French passport and also claimed to hold a British passport, which was not produced.

Inside the room, police found an unlicensed firearm, 0.47g of crystal methamphetamine, marijuana seeds and five small marijuana plants which were being grown under special lights.

Police Colonel Nantawoot, the Pattaya Police Chief, questioned the man at the house where he explained that he had moved from Phuket to Pattaya less than four months ago and stated he was a freelance website designer. He claimed that all the drugs in his possession were for personal use only and he had no intention of selling them on to others.

Just the type of t-shirt you want to be wearing when the cops come knocking He claimed he had purchased the gun from a friend based in Koh Samui, along with the marijuana seeds, for a price of 25,000 Baht. Pattaya Police talked to their colleagues in Phuket colleagues over the arrest and Mr Davis was held on remand pending court proceedings.

Convicted child molester arrested and deported Chonburi Immigration, based in Jomtien, announced the arrest of an American teacher, wanted in the United States, for sexual offences involving children under the age of 12.

Mr Dennis Gale Catron, aged 60, is allegedly wanted by a court in the state of Illinois after being convicted of two counts of sexual assault of a minor and sentenced to 36 years in jail. It is believed that during the court proceedings, which took place in 1991 and 1992, the school teacher paid a bond of US$20,000 and then fled to Thailand. While here for almost 19 years undetected, he has worked in a number of universities and other education facilities.

Police said there were no reported incidents relating to Mr Catron

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in Thailand. He was arrested in Nontaburi Province, next to Bangkok, and is known to have resided in Soi Buakhow in central Pattaya.

Upon questioning, Mr Catron appeared confused by allegations he was involved in two cases back in the USA, but confirmed knowledge of being sentenced in the other. His Thai visa has now been cancelled and in conjunction with the American Embassy will be deported where he is expected to be arrested upon arrival.

Wounded man claims it wasn’t him A man was admitted to Banglamung Hospital claiming to have been shot in the leg in a random shooting which occurred in North Pattaya.

The 19-year-old, who was in considerable pain, claimed he was shot by a male passenger in a white car on North Pattaya Road. However the wound looked suspiciously self-inflicted according to medical staff because of the presence of gunpowder residue where the bullet penetrated the leg.

Police later questioned the teenager before he was transferred to Chonburi Hospital for more specialized treatment. They are convinced he may have accidentally expelled a firearm in his possession which caused him to sustain the injury.

With no witnesses to back up either

version of events and no signs of any weapon, police are likely drop their investigation into the case, unless new evidence comes to light.

Lucky it missed my brain.

A few centimetres higher and my IQ would have dropped below the single digit

Brazen thief punches victim

A man, thought to be of middleeastern origin, is being hunted by police following an aggravated robbery at a dressmaking shop.

The incident occurred in North Pattaya and resulted in facial injuries sustained by the 47-year-old female shop owner. She was watching TV on the ground floor at the time of the incident while her son and daughter-in-law were sleeping upstairs.

Although the shop was closed, the front shutters to the shop were not pulled down. The middle-eastern man, wearing a black baseball cap, white t-shirt and shorts, appeared to know where the owner kept her money, in a drawer close to the television. He walked up to the victim and punched her in the face before going straight for the money. Although the victim did try

to offer some resistance the thief was able to escape on his motorbike. According to the victim the thief made off with approximately 50,000 Baht in cash. Police will check security cameras in the area as they attempt to catch the man.

An American resident of Pattaya was slightly hurt following a gas explosion at his East Pattaya townhouse.. Fire Rescue units rushed to the townhouse located at the Pattaya Hill 1 Estate in Soi Watboonsampan 9 where the fire had spread from the kitchen to the rest of the dwelling.

Mr Kevin McLaughlin, aged 50, had managed to escape from the burning house but had sustained minor injuries from the initial explosion.

Khun Mai, the Mayor of Nong-

prue personally oversaw the firefighters who managed to extinguish the flames after 20 minutes.

Mr McLaughlin explained the initial explosion inside the kitchen, which occurred while he was cooking, soon spread to the rest of the house and a 10-litre container of petrol, which he used to power remote-controlled aircraft, also caught fire. Damage to the house was extensive and Mr McLaughlin was taken to hospital as a precaution. Damage is estimated at around 500,000 Baht.

Make sure you get my good side.

Whichever that is

American’s lucky escape

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

Electricity prices set to rise after Gulf accident A natural gas leak in the Gulf of Thailand, which occurred in late June, resulted in a loss of up to 600 million cubic feet per day, which translated into approximately 14 percent of the Petroleum Authority of Thailand’s (PTT) total gas supplies in the country. Thailand uses natural gas to generate almost 70 percent of its electricity and the accident is almost certain to have an impact on the price of electricity.

The accident was apparently caused by a South Korean vessel, under contract to PTT, which dropped its anchor in the wrong spot and subsequently ripped into a main underwater feeder pipeline. After a number of unprintable expletives were uttered in Korean, and then by the Thais, the public relations department of PTT was wheeled into action to downplay the possible serious results of the busted pipeline.

Within a day, PTT officials were saying all six of its gas separation plants were operating normally, despite the leak. PTT said one of their plants, which had been shut down for routine maintenance, had resumed operations.

Wichai Pornkeratiwat, a senior executive, told reporters, “Our gas plants are running as normal because we try to manage our gas supply.”

Khun Wichai said PTT would be able to continue supplying gas to the petrochemical plants run by its subsidiary at the minimum level required in their contract.

Just in case there was some unforeseen difficulty, PTT initiated plans to import about 30 million litres of low-sulphur fuel oil from Singapore to offset any shortfall. They also planned to bring in 70,000 tonnes of liquefied natural gas (LNG) from Qatar to ease tight supplies.

PTT had to wait for equipment from Singapore before they could send divers to plug the pipeline.

After investigating the extent of the damage it was felt the pipeline could be repaired in a few weeks.

Pailin Chuchottaworn, Chief Operating Officer, said it was probable the leak was caused the when the anchor of a ship operated by the South Korean contractor Hyundai Heavy Industries was accidentally dragged through the pipeline.

“We have to investigate whether the damage was caused by the anchor and assess the damage.

If it was, the contractor has to be

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An exclusive underwater photo of the damage to the pipeline in the Gulf of Thailand. It really is dark down there. responsible for this,” said Khun Pailin. It appears unlikely the damage was caused by a rogue shoal of ravenous piranha, a pod of humpback whales, or a Surat Thani-based fishing trawler.

The Stop Global Warming chairman, Srisuwan Janya, wasn’t buying the usual po-faced PR spin and accused the PTT of poor monitoring and standards for its marine gas pipelines. Khun Srisuwan claimed this was not the first time a gas pipeline had leaked and said claims it would not affect the marine ecosystem were untrue. “This gas leak will make seawater more acidic and harm food chains in the area, ” claimed Khun Srisuwan.

For some reason the well-meaning Khun Srisuwan didn’t seem to be impressed by the argument it was a Korean vessel, manned by Koreans, which had been the cause of the accident, wanting instead to lay the blame at the feet of the PTT hierarchy, most of whom probably wouldn’t know what an anchor looked like, let alone how to release into the sea and drag it in such a way as to sever a natural has pipeline.

The PTT chief executive Prasert Bunsumpun did admit, “The impact of the accident will result in higher electricity bills…We will meet with our staff and discuss ways to prevent the possibility of similar accidents in the future.”

According to an industry insider, the Gulf of Thailand is extremely well mapped in relation to the location, size and length of the natural gas pipelines, which run like arteries all the way up to Chonburi and Rayong provinces.

It was later revealed that the incident forced EGAT power plants to shift from using natural gas to 10 million litres of bunker oil per day. No black outs or power shortages have so far resulted because of the disruption to supply.

Hotel cleaner prime suspect in robbery

An Iranian tourist was robbed of over 100,000 Bahts’ worth of US dollars from his South Pattaya hotel room.

Tourist Police were called to the Paramita Hotel in Soi 6 off Pratamnuk Road where they met Mr Bagher Ghandehari, aged 50, who directed officers to his room and to the safe which he claimed had been opened and US$3,500 taken.

The prime suspect is a 33-yearold hotel cleaner who had been employed for only two days. Mr Ghandehari revealed that earlier on the day of the robbery he had given his key to the cleaner before leaving. He returned later to find his room safe had been opened.

The hotel manager said they were unaware of the cleaner’s real name and knew her only as

I only gave it to the cleaner. How was I to know she could work out the combination to the safe Mam. Since the alleged robbery took place she has disappeared and her mobile phone has been switched off. Considering it is almost an offence for a Thai female to turn her phone off, and adding the fact she has not come back to work, police are fairly sure they have the right suspect in mind for this robbery.

Lucky that slingshot thief didn’t ruffle my hair

Pain in the neck leads to robbery An Austrian resident of Pattaya was the victim of a slingshot robbery late one mid-week night.

Mr Roland Georg Ilmer, aged 51, was riding his motorbike close to the Pattaya Floating Market on Sukhumvit Road with his Filipino wife riding as passenger. He suddenly felt a sharp pain on his neck and realized he had been hit with something. He stopped the bike and seconds later another bike pulled up behind him and the passenger approached Mr Ilmer and his wife, armed with a slingshot, and demanded she

hand over her handbag which contained her passport, a digital camera and other personal items. The keys to the motorbike were also handed over.

The armed suspect drove off in the direction of Pattaya. Luckily the motorbike was fitted with a GPS tracker and police were able to locate the stolen bike inside the suspects family home. After a search, the suspect could not be found but police are hopeful of a swift arrest. The motorbike and handbag have been return to their rightful owners.

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Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

Bad Timing?

Sir, Me and my mates have been in Pattaya for 3 weeks, going back next week. In the three weekends we’ve been here all the bars have been shut for each weekend. It’s ridiculous.

Can bar owners make money, and do you think it’s time the closing policy was changed in Pattaya, which is more tourist than Thai really?

It doesn’t look good for a city that’s supposed to be Fun Town, when people come here for a holiday to find it closed.

Yours sincerely, Unhappy Camper.

By email Although this has been the policy of the central government (no matter which side of the fence) for more years than anyone can recall, it does seem a complete anachronism. Basically, the people at the top of the tree are suggesting those at the bottom (from their perspective) can’t be trusted to make an informed decision

if they’ve been nudging the turps the previous night. Given the end-results of many elections, it might actually be better to encourage people to get legless the night before: the end product surely couldn’t be any worse. Quite seriously, now that compulsory voting is part of the electoral process in Thailand there really should be no need to punish drinkers, bar owners, be they Thai or foreign, and tourists.

Turning into a bad buoy Sir, Around October 2010, a great safe idea was to put large florescent buoys around 100 metre areas on Jomtien and Pattaya beaches so swimmers could enjoy safe swimming and playing without any type of thrill craft, tour or fishing boat entering the swimmers area. They did keep the areas safe, but are now unsafe to all.

The problem is the manufacturer did not build these buoys strong enough to handle the moods of Mother Nature and now they are breaking up and trashing our beaches and ocean with plastic and foam. It is not only an eyesore, it is also going to kill sea-life, fish, turtles, seabirds and many other ocean living creatures plus contaminate our water.

We have learned there is a two-year guarantee on these buoys, but who is going to clean up this horrible mess? In the meantime, all sizes of foam and heavy gauge bits of plastic is breaking and leaching out of these buoys every hour.

The Pollution Solution Group feels that the manufacturer of these units is responsible for them breaking up and spewing foam and plastic all over our beaches and ocean and should send out a crew to remove the problem. This should take place daily until the problem is somewhat solved.

I’m sure that the manufacturer has now

mastered a better way to build these buoys or be open for suggestions as we have heard many better and safer ways to build them.

These pictures are just a few of the dangerous mess on the beaches and in the ocean. Over 20% of these buoys are covered with barnacles which are on the lower sides and bottom mostly out of sight and are like razorblades, cutting and scratching children or swimmers that get to close, hanging on them, a wave or swell sending the buoy, child or the swimmer into each other.

We need action on this matter as soon as possible.

The Pollution Solution Group Thailand Gerry Rasmus aka KOTO Keeper Of The Ocean Sadly, the attempt at saving face because of the failure of the buoys may result in not a lot being done, at least in the short term. The whole idea of the buoys was, and still is, a good one: section off areas so that swimmers could indeed venture into the water safe in the knowledge they weren’t about to be ploughed into by some careless brain-dead idiot on a jet-ski, or turned into shark bait by having a limb or two severed by one of the speed boats that ply the waters between Pat-

taya beach and Koh Larn.

Quick action would be welcome, but we’re talking about someone in authority actually deciding ‘something’ needs to be done. Then a committee is formed, with a couple of secretaries roped in to provide dictation, while someone tries to work out who’s to blame for this mess and how much money will be needed to fix it. Somebody else is tasked with going to a suitable temple to offer the right kinds of offerings which will hopefully prevent and serious accidents from taking place while the committee reaches its preliminary findings. In between times, the committee members will no doubt be busy with the other tasks of municipal administration, organising the 2012 Pattaya Film Festival, 2012 Pattaya International Festival of the Arts, 2012 Pattaya Fashion Week Extravaganza, 2012 Pattaya Dwarf Throwing Championships, and preparing the bids for Pattaya to host the 2024 Olympic Games, 2028 World Expo, and become the launch site for the 2036 NASA mission to land on Mars. These things take time, so a few busted buoys on the beaches might not be too high on the list of photo opportunity priorities.

A happy pussy Sir, Thanks for the great story you did for us in the last issue (1-15 July 2011) featuring ‘Eric and Ernie’.

They are still with us but we did re-home a cat via your piece.

‘Elsie’ is a lovely ginger and white girl that we brought back from the shelter last year and had been poorly for around six months. Now she is finally well and had just been neutered.

A lovely guy called Max and his wife Nuy saw the ad and looked at the website and chose ‘Elsie’ to be a friend for their other cat who was pining

for his brother who sadly died a few weeks ago.

I have attached a photo for you of the proud new parents.

Thanks again Paul and Sandra Website: www.cats4youinpattaya.webs.com or phone: 085 2875004 Thanks for the kind words, and we’re happy to see a positive result from the newspaper for you, and the cat, of course.

What’s new pussycat?

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

That burning sensation in your chest...

By Khun Dee Do you have chest pains that are worrying you? Potential causes range from the trivial to the life threatening. From heartache (no, what Thai girl would dump you?) to heart attack (probably another ‘no’ if you’re sitting back reading this calmly). Which leaves stomach ulcer (but then the pain would be lower, not as high as your chest) and heartburn (the most likely culprit... but ignore the other options at your own peril.)

Obviously, the most serious concern with chest pain is that it might be angina or a heart attack.

Understandably, chest pain is one of the most common reasons people go to the emergency room. While some of those people actually are suffering from a heart attack, odds are those chest pains derive from severe heartburn.

It is often so difficult to distinguish between pain caused by a heart attack and that stemming from severe heartburn that sophisticated medical testing is needed to determine the cause. So don’t be so quick to self diagnose or to discount what may be a more critical condition. To complicate matters even more, the two complaints have many of the same symptoms and occur in similar types of people--the old and the overweight.

Possible signs of heartburn that could be mistaken for a heart attack include: • A sharp, burning sensation just below your breastbone or ribs.

• Pain that does not radiate to your shoulders, neck, or arms (but it can).

• Pain arising after meals, when you’re lying on your back, when exercising or when experiencing anxiety.

• Symptoms that usually respond quickly to antacids.

• Discomfort that is rarely accompanied by a cold sweat.

Possible signs of heart attack or angina (severe pain in chest): • Feeling of fullness, tightness, or dull pressure or pain generally in the center of your chest.

• Feeling like a belt is being tightened around your chest.

• Sudden chest pain or pressure that worsens.

• Dizziness.

• Pain spreading to your shoulders, neck, jaw or arms.

• Pain often responds quickly to nitroglycerin.

• Shortness of breath.

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Living Healthy in Pattaya

Is it really just heartburn?

How to tell and what to do about it • Often accompanied by a cold sweat.

• Possible lightheadedness.

If the pain lasts for more than a few minutes or there any warning signs of a heart attack, seek immediate medical attention.

On the other hand, if you think that burning sensation could be a stomach ulcer rather than heartburn, here is how to tell the difference. First, pinpoint the pain.

The location of the pain indicates whether the discomfort is more likely to be heartburn or an ulcer.

Ulcer pain tends to occur in the abdominal area--especially just above the navel; people experiencing heartburn (as well as the more serious form of heartburn--gastroesophageal reflux disease, also called GERD) typically feel pain in the chest and throat.

Another way to distinguish between the two is to eat something.

Eating often relieves symptoms associated with ulcers but typically makes heartburn and GERD symptoms worse.

Which brings us to that burning, tingling, sometimes painful sensation in the chest that is usually caused by heartburn--sometimes called acid indigestion or sour stomach. Or it could be that more serious condition called GERD. Most think of heartburn as a simple ailment brought on by five refills at one of Pattaya’s all-youcan-eat buffets or partaking of too much som-tam pla ra, lap moo phet, etc. But it’s not all about how much you overeat or how spicy your selections are. There are other culprits that can set your chest afire as well--some of which may be in your medicine cabinet. Some medications weaken your lower esophageal sphincter and cause the contents of your stomach to creep back up into your esophagus. Ibuprofen, aspirin and other over-the-counter nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, for example. Antihistamines too. And birth control pills, antispasmodics and even a chronic cough.

Optionally, when trying to determine your propensity for heartburn, you might need look no further than your family tree.

Did Mom or Dad have a daily diet of antacids? Does your sister or brother complain of reflux? Genetics may account for more than 40 percent of your susceptibility to heartburn. But whether the cause is pla phat phet, pain pills or parents, you have options for staying heart-

avoid eating heavily during the last two to three hours before bedtime.

Elevating the head of your bed so that you sleep with your head raised slightly higher than your feet helps prevent stomach acid from flowing backward. And when that burning sensation begins, reach for an antacid such as calcium carbonate or histamine blockers such as ranitidine.

Heartburn pain is often worse when lying down or bending over.

Occasional heartburn is common and no cause for alarm. Most people can manage the discomfort of heartburn on their own with lifestyle changes (see accompanying suggestions) and over-the-counter medications. But if it occurs more than twice a week and interferes with your daily routine, it may be something more serious and require a visit to your doctor. In the most severe cases, surgery may be required to repair the lower esophageal sphincter. This operation now can be done using a laparoscope and requires only a short hospital stay.

burn free.

The most popular heartburn remedies are antacid liquids and tablets. In a majority of incidents they are enough and quite effective.

But solutions need not come from the medicine cabinet. Here are some simple tricks to try if you’re bothered by frequent bouts of heartburn: • Chew gum for 30 minutes after a meal. Chewing gum stimulates swallowing, which reduces the acid reflux that often occurs after eating. Choose sugar-free varieties (no mint, which can bring on heartburn).

• Cut salt and fat from your diet and increase fiber. Consuming less total fat and salt and more fiber may help reduce acid-reflux symptoms.

• Recognize the tried and true: Two of the best ways to avoid heartburn are losing weight (drop as little as 10 percent of your body weight) and elevating the head of your bed for sleep.

A smart thing to do is eat smaller, less fatty meals and, in any event,

Ask Your Doctor About Heartburn and GERD Occasional heartburn is common, but if symptoms occur more than once or twice a week over an extended period of time--particularly if the discomfort interferes with your daily routine--it could indicate something more serious such as gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD). To understand your condition, it might be helpful to see your doctor for an exam and to ask the following questions: 1. Is my case relatively mild or severe?

2. What lifestyle changes do you

recommend for me?

3. Should I take over-the-counter medicines? If so, which ones?

4. Do I need prescription medicine?

5. If so, what side effects can I expect?

6. What should I do if the medicines don't help?

7. Do I show signs of esophagitis or Barrett's esophagus?

8. Should I be examined for esophageal cancer?

9. Will I need such exams in the future?

10. If I have GERD, would surgery be appropriate?

Heartburn triggers Food and beverages that most commonly trigger heartburn: • • • • • • • •

Alcohol Black pepper Carbonated soft drinks Chili Chocolate Coffee Fatty food Fried food

• • • • • • •

Ketchup (Tomato Sauce) Mustard Onions Orange juice Peppermint Tomato sauce Vinegar

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Kris & Noi’s

Beware Zebras Crossing

Private

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Just Good Friends Where I work the Thais and expats mix well, at work and socially. I am especially friendly with Jak, a lady in my group—purely friendly, nothing romantic. We compare our different backgrounds, and she has shown me photos of her family and their village. Next month she is going home for some celebration; apparently it is a highlight for the village and all family members try to attend. I am interested in seeing how rural Thais live and enjoy themselves, so I asked Jak if I could go along with her. However, she immediately refused, and didn’t offer any reason,

although we remain just as friendly.

A friend suggested that maybe if the villagers saw her with a foreigner, they would say she is a prostitute.

Is that the general thinking of Thais towards ladies accompanying expats?

Baffled

Some Thais, particularly in rural Thailand, still think that only naughty girls hook up with palefaces (if you look at expat forums, you will see that many sanctimonious keyboard crunchers say the same). But this perception is slowly changing as more mixed-marriage

Mercy Center on the move

The Mercy Center, an authorized charity soon to celebrate its tenth year in Pattaya, is on the move in more ways than one.

They recently moved to new offices beside the Big C shopping mall in South Pattaya, inside Duck Square. The official address is 565/55 Moo 10. Their new telephone number is 038 416 707 or they can be emailed: mercypattaya@gmail.com The Pattaya Mercy Center currently provides a home and care for twenty high-risk children with a new facility for a further thirty just completed.

The Mercy/Pattaya Street Kids Scholarship initiative provides funding to enable over 220 students to attend school and the Slum Support Project provides basic foodstuffs and essentials for seventy families in Pattaya’s poorest areas. If you’d like to do something to help please visit and pick up a copy of our “Needs & Wants” list or contact Dianne on 038 416 707 to find out how you can help.

At the end of June the Mercy Center Children moved into their very own home, situated in Pong district. Although concreting access pathways has been held up by heavy rainfall and landscaping

continues, the children were still able to enjoy learning their lessons surrounded by greenery amid a peaceful, country environment.

The Mercy Directors, Dianne and Fred Doell, wish to thank everyone who has helped to fund this ambitious project. The new home sits on four rai of land and has made it possible for some of the orphaned, abused, misused and abandoned children of Pattaya to feel safe in the loving care of Mercy Center staff and volunteers…to have a real home of their own.

The completion and furnishing of the new Mercy facility increases the number of children who can be cared for and accommodated to 50, plus a further intake of day students. Naturally, there’s plenty of space outside the house, too, so Mercy children can be proud to invite home the new school friends they make.

The new Mercy Center home

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couples blend into communities away from the usual expat areas.

Jak may well be worried about how her family and neighbours would see her relationship with you. If she arrives with any man they will be considered an item, but especially so when it’s a foreigner in tow. Platonic friend interested in rural culture won’t cut any ice with the village gossips—if a farang is with a Thai girl it’s only for rumpy pumpy in their eyes. Suggest to Jak that you go with other work colleagues and you will all stay in a hotel near to the village. That will remove pressure on the girl from her family and others.

A recent letter mentioned expats breaking traffic laws. What I find annoying is that I hardly ever see expats stopping at pedestrian crossings, just like the Thais. Every western country has rules for giving right of way to pedestrians at crossings, so these expats must know that they should stop. Why do they just drive on?

Rebecca

Expats usually obey crossing regulations in their homelands because not doing so can be expensive.

However, in Thailand our Officer Plods are as guilty as anyone in failing to stop, so expat drivers can be as selfish as the Thais. Yet, in fairness to them, there are valid reasons for not stopping. It can be a death trap for the pedestrian, as any person attempting to cross, naively thinking that other vehicles will also stop, could easily be mown down; and the driver risks a rear-end thump and possible whiplash when the vehicle behind whacks into him, as no Thai driver ever expects someone to actually stop at those strange black and white markings.

Hilton Pattaya wins Asia-Pacific Awards The Hilton Pattaya won four prestigious awards, including “Best Hotel Architecture, Asia Pacific”, “Best Hotel Architecture, Thailand”, “Best New Hotel Construction and Design, Thailand”, and a High Commendation for Hotel Interior, Thailand at the inaugural AsiaPacific Hotel Awards 2011, held in association with Bloomberg Television. The awards were presented in Shanghai, China on 31 May. “Having only opened our doors six months ago, we are truly delighted and honoured to be recognized by industry opinion leaders and peers,” said Harald Feurstein, General Manager, Hilton Pattaya.

“These prestigious and highly coveted awards bears testament that Hilton Pattaya will stand out as a distinctive and luxurious hotel that will excel in the keenly competitive hospitality industry in Asia Pacific.”

Organized in association with Bloomberg Television, the Hotel

Awards evolved from the longestablished International Property Awards and aim to identify and highlight the crème de la crème in the hospitality industry. The awards are increasingly used as benchmarks for discerning travelers when selecting their holiday destination and hotels.

As an extension from having received these awards, Hilton Pattaya will compete against other winning entries from Europe, Africa, the Americas and Arabia for the title of “World’s Best” in each category. Results from this will be announced at a presentation dinner in London in January 2012.

Hilton Pattaya is a 302-room property set in the heart of the city overlooking Pattaya Beach and the Bay, and part of the newly-built Central Festival Pattaya Beach complex.

Hilton Hotel general manager Harald Feurstein (right) receives the awards in Shanghai

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Pete’s Peregrinations The Bribery Act

By Peter Lloyd

Bangkok To call Bangkok the Venice of Asia is pushing it a bit, although I suppose they do have foul-smelling canals doubling as sewers and waste disposal systems in common.

However on my recent visits to Bangkok I have increasingly been using a very effective form of public transport, the speedboats on the small canals, which have saved me a lot of time getting into and around the city from where I have been staying.

They can be very cramped, dangerous to get into and out of, especially if you have big, clumsy feet like mine, and you can get wet from passing speedboats if you aren’t quick to protect yourself.

But all that aside, they are a great form of transport in Bangkok and extremely cheap, and you get to see very different views of the city.

Makkasan Station-Empty White Elephant Tin Shed

Infrastructure Scams Makkasan Station-Empty White Elephant Tin Shed And while I’m on the subject of Bangkok transport, it seems to me Thailand is incapable of building a major infrastructure project which puts the passengers’ needs at its heart. Instead, the commuter ends up with badly designed, ill-thought out schemes, which seem to have only been designed to ensure maximum skim for those involved.

The MRT, airport link, and even the airport itself, were all clearly deficient when it came to what was needed for passengers. All these projects have (or had, the airport is getting better) a distinct lack of toilets and seating, and seemingly little thought wasted on the requirements of the passengers who would actually be using them.

However, I am sure the builders and operators are happy with the resulting cavernous, expensively and lavishly built concrete structures, where commercialism and skim are left to run riot.

In the airport we saw this with the space allocated to King Power,

often right in the way of emergency exits, and of passengers rushing to gates. The whole place seemed designed for major commercial impact, and a disgraceful lack of seating, toilets and moving walkways for passengers only reinforced this.

On the airport link, there are gigantic stations like Makkasan, vast empty spaces, built in the middle of nowhere, with no seats for passengers, no facilities, but tons of lovely, expensive concrete used to make them.

Many airport link stations have no toilets either, even extremely busy ones.

And when the hapless, knackered, bag-carrying passengers arrive at the airport rail link station, they find to their astonishment that there are no seats for passengers while they wait for the trains.

I can well guess what happened to the chairs and toilets budgets.

And who cares? It’s only passengers that are being inconvenienced.

Luckily in these infrastructure

projects, all commercial and advertising opportunities have been greedily capitalized on, with ads, billboards and the like festooned everywhere.

On the MRT subway the other day I noticed where there should be straps for standing commuters to hold on to, there are adverts hanging from the rails instead. And of course no seats or toilets in the majority of MRT stations.

This greedy lack of concern for the end-user of these massive infrastructure projects strikes most foreigners as contemptible, but I doubt it will change in the near future, as every time anyone gets a sniff of an infrastructure project in Thailand, the question doesn’t seem to be “how can we best design this for the end-user”, but “how much can we scam off this budget, and to hell with the end result”.

The UK have just brought into force legislation outlawing bribery abroad, making it an offence for companies AND INDIVIDUALS to pay bribes to anyone abroad, with unlimited fines and a maximum of 10 years in prison.

The government defined bribery as giving someone a financial or other advantage to encourage that person to perform their functions or activities improperly or to reward that person for having already done so.

The Act will apply to UK nationals who bribe police at roadblocks (sorry- who pay an “express fine”) in Thailand just as it would to BP directors bunging Russian government officials, so I wonder whether UK passport holders will now face a risk of “double bubble” when stopped at roadblocks by clued-up police.

Firstly the usual fee for the (usually invented) traffic offence. “300 baht. Thank you sir”.

“Now give me 50,000 baht or I’ll report you to your government for breaking the Bribery Act, and I’ll have you arrested and deported, after you’ve spent some some time in the local monkey house.”

Never say it could never happen here.

Safe Sex I recently saw a woman in Pattaya sporting a T shirt proclaiming “Safe Sex”. I had to smile as I realized Pattaya is one of the few places on earth where such a well-meaning slogan could also be construed as an advertisement for the safe hiring of the wearer’s sexual services.

Needless to say, I didn’t ask her which way it should be interpreted.

Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com

To read this column online go to www.pattayaone.net

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By Street Stroller

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Pattaya Focus on ....

A Walk Along Dongtan Beach (Continued)

The recent demographic changes on Jomtien’s Dongtan and Pratamnak beaches can be clearly seen in the fluttering flags displayed by the many beach vendors. Nowadays there are far fewer multicoloured gay flags than there used to, and many more Russian flags, as above, although there is a lot more going on down this stretch of beach than just a Russian Revolution.

Construction The rate of beachside construction shows no sign of stopping in this part of Jomtien. Like it (some do) or loathe it (many do) the View Talay 7 building is now completed, and next door to it, a large construction project has been going on for a couple of years, which will be another tourist complex and hotel.

Going Up Sandwiched between View Talays 7 and 5, and next door to the Avalon Resort, this is the last major development that can go up along this piece of beachfront, because there is now no more land left on which to build.

We did notice that there seemed to be no takers for the long-ago completed prime beachfront retail units running down the side of VT7. Whether that’s because of the state of the economy, or the asking price of the rents, we didn’t know.

Sand Problems One early morning, as we walked along the pleasantly meandering path next to the beach, we were struck by how diligent the beach vendors clean their areas of rubbish, rake the sand, and even sweep sand from the pathway next to their concessions.

Where there are no concessions, because of the tardiness characterising much of the “non-service” industry in Fun Town, nobody is employed to keep the beach from encroaching on other parts of the footpath, with this forlorn result: Sand encroachment is a serious problem on some parts of the beach, while only a few metres away sand loss, on a scale similar to Pattaya Beach is occurring, which we will look at next week.

Sand Encroachment

Swimming Safety One stormy day recently we noticed on Pattaya Beach that there were red flags out, warning people not to swim in the rough seas.

However, that very same day we saw many Russians frolicking in even bigger waves in Jomtien, oblivious to the dangers, as no such red warning flags were on the beach.

One wonders if this was an oversight or is Jomtien Beach being marketed more as a haven for the reckless, swimming thrill seeker.

Warmer than the Caspian Sea……

Of course along the beach there is also evidence of the pointless lifeguard towers erected no doubt at monumental expense to clutter up the city’s beaches. Their primary

purpose served (and somehow I don’t think it was to save lives), they will no doubt now be left to rot on the sand and blight the beaches in a way even Pattaya’s very own Koto can’t prevent.

Beach Life

Counting the days until high season No Takers

……And less supervised.

Contact us at pattayafocus@gmail.com

With far fewer tourists braving the recent rough weather and the high seas, we saw far fewer beach vendors out and about.

We did see this hapless beach vendor, no doubt regretting that the only thing biting for him right now, was low season.

And finally, we enjoyed the unusual sight one early morning of the coconut catchers at work along the beach. I am not sure if they do it for just to acquire and sell the coconuts or for a more admirable purpose, such as to prevent them falling on passers-by.

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THE Le ‘Strogonoff’ 2, on Pratumnak Road, near Soi 4, is definitely worth a visit. (The original branch is on Soi Yamato off Second Road.)

They have a four-course, set menu for 290 baht, which is quite a bargain for the variety and quality offered. The set menu includes soup, a choice of around 10 appetizers, 10 mains and nine desserts. The meal starts with crusty baguettes accompanied by seasoned olive oil for dipping. Vegetable soup was on offer the night we visited. My friend had the crispy camembert with smoked ham as his starter.

Like me, he is usually not a fan of camembert, but said this was an exception. I tried the crab salad with smoked salmon, which turned out to be a very satisfying choice.

It included a generous portion of tasty crab meat and lots succulent

FRUGAL GOURMAND

Gratinee Seafood at Le Strogonoff 2 smoked salmon.

For my main course, I went with the ‘seafood grantined’. (The French name, gratin de fruits de mer sounds more exotic.) The seafood was topped with a very generous crust of chewy, parmesan cheese, which was perfectly browned . My friend tried the stro-

gonoff of chicken. It was more akin to a chicken stew than the Russian version of stroganoff; but, he enjoyed it very much. There are two duck dishes and fish, beef and pork options to satisfy almost any gourmand. By the way, the portions were quite generous.

By all means, do save room for

dessert. There are nine selections to choose from in order to satisfy your sweet tooth. As an unrepentant chocoholic, I had the ‘all chocolate plate,’ consisting of a brownie, a chocolate crepe and ice cream with chocolate sauce. Although quite sweet and satisfying, next time I might go with the crocanti cup, ordered by my friend, consisting of vanilla ice cream, meringue, peanuts and caramel. It looked scrumptious and my companion didn’t leave a drop. Other choices included the mandatory crème brulee, Crepe Suzette and crepe with fruit forest and ice cream, which looked really sinful. Le Strogonoff 2 also offers an extensive a la carte menu with continental and Thai dishes. Le Strogonoff 2 is open daily from 11 am to 3 pm and 6:30 pm to 11 pm.

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or like your restaurant reviewed, email: FrugalGourmand@Pattayaone.net

Doing the coffee ‘Business’ in Pattaya The following is an interview conducted with Steve Mascari, the public face of the newly launched Pattaya Coffee Roasting Company (PCRC). Steve is well-known in golfing circles and a successful businessman in Pattaya and his home country, the United States.

He’s also a coffee aficionado, so it’s no real surprise he has combined his business acumen and affection for the ‘bean’ to start PCRC. Pattaya One: Pattaya Coffee Roasting Company, why open a business now?

PCRC: Actually it is a very good time to open a business if you have a good product. We are combining a very good product with excellent, cost-effective advertising possibilities for our clients. Clients and tourists like mementoes of their visit to Thailand, and specifically YOUR business. PCRC makes that possible with what we call Private Label Branding. In today’s difficult economic environment it is vitally important to find new and creative ways to keep your business ‘in front’ of your clients. Private Label Branding does just this and it is one of the very few advertising vehicles that does actually pay for itself.

Pattaya One: How does PCRC achieve this ?

PCRC: After oil, coffee is the world’s most consumed commodity. What we are offering is 100 % Thai coffee combined with what we call our ‘Private Label Program.’

PCRC will create a ‘Private Label’ for any business that buys, sells or serves coffee. This ‘Private Label’ will advertise your business with your company logo, email, telephone number and web address etc. It allows our clients to stay out in front of their clients in a very cost effective fashion. It allows our clients to stay ahead of the curve.

If you are not in front of your clients someone else will be. What do I mean by this? If you have and sell your own ‘Private Label’ you are creating an opportunity for your customers to re-live and be reminded of your business and their experience with you. Every morning your picture and essential information starts the day for your client with your company logo and information and, in many cases to revisit it a few times per day.

Pattaya One: What kind of coffee do you sell?

PCRC: Our coffee is 100% Thai

grown. We sell a full line of coffee depending on our client’s wishes.

We offer everything from a big espresso roast to a lighter ‘medium roast’ and all coffee profiles in between. We also have our own House Coffee, ‘Pattaya Coffee Roasting Co.’ and that is a strong full roast that we call ‘farang full roast.’

Pattaya One: How are the beans roasted?

PCRC: We have four roasters: five, 10, 20 and 60-kilo drum roasters.

We focus on small batch roasts to control quality and to offer the freshest coffee possible.

Pattaya One: Why coffee?

PCRC: Well, I’ve been the bar route…Seriously, PCRC is proud to be offering a natural product and

a quality product. A product that is 100 % Thai. PCRC offers something good, everyday into people’s lives. A daily, flavourful reminder of Thailand.

Pattaya One: Where can we find your coffee?

PCRC: We are available to any tourist business , company, bar, restaurant, business, charity groups and hotels. Our own label is in stores, stalls etc. If you can’t find us please ask your store manager to carry our brand or to please contact PCRC. We would like to be your coffee supplier.

Pattaya One: How can people interested contact PCRC? PCRC: We can be reached by telephone on 038 373 204, or mobile on: 087 8010 705.

16 Pattaya One

TalKiNG WheelS By edd ellison

email: edd@interfuture-media.com ph: 083 8005800)

the new Perodua myvi

Perodua has launched its secondgeneration Myvi. Malaysia’s bestseller for the last five years – over 487,000 have been sold since its 2005 debut –is set to be released in Thailand, in the future. With Perodua having an unrivalled 31 percent market share in Malaysia, and with nearly half its sales coming from the Myvi, getting the new model (which accounts for 85% of all hatchback sales on the domestic market) right, was crucial.

Perodua reinterprets Daihatsu models, building low-cost, efficient and affordable cars, so the new Myvi is about evolution not revolution, all round improved. In the two weeks that the order book opened pre-launch it received a promising 10,000 bookings. Perodua MD Datuk Aminar Rashid says the new Myvi is, “still compact but more spacious.”

Evolution is very evident; outside, there are more curves and sharper planes, partly to improve aerodynamics and thus fuel economy, while at the rear fashionable LED light clusters feature. The proven 1.3 petrol engine is carried over, with its efficiency improved, and it is hooked up to a new automatic transmission.

Inside there is a new two-tone dashboard with an easy-to-use, high-mounted gearstick. Leather seats are optional on the top version, while new safety features include a more rigid chassis as well as crash-

sl

ge Louen atery bar

haiL and pattaya t

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deformable pedal assembly and steering column. ISOFIX is another first for Perodua, as are three rear seatbelts.

Other safety features of the new Myvi include ABS, EBD, BA, belt pre-tensioners, dual airbags, and child locks. There is also a new, integrated telematics package, a first for the subcompact segment in Malaysia. The range starts at RM43,000 (about 430,000 baht).

Perodua plans to boost exports, and significantly, in a reversal of the one-way technical flow, the Myvi will be sold in Indonesia from July 2011, wearing a Daihatsu badge. New markets will include here Thailand as well as South Africa – a decision being delayed as Perodua has focused on Malaysia.

The company has a target of 10,000 units per year for export by the end of its current five-year plan. For 2011, it should hit more than 8,000 units, which go to five export markets. Meanwhile Daihatsu’s withdrawal from Europe could open up new space.

New Perodua Myvi launched at the Putra World Trade Center in KL

is a great way to promote your business or your next event.

Perfect for restaurants and bars.

Our Drink and Beverage Coasters can be custom imprinted with your logo or promotional message.

To order yours call: 0854 30 38 36 email: coastercandy@gmail.com

THAI

Lite

ALien thouGhts

By S. tsow Recently Stephen Hawking warned us not to be too keen on contacting any extraterrestrial aliens that may exist. He says that such aliens would probably be interplanetary nomads who had exhausted the resources of their home planet and would be exploring the universe in quest of other planets to exploit.

They would be cold-blooded and rapacious, bent on ravaging our resources and exterminating us.

My feeling was that Professor Hawking had been watching the movie Independence Day. In that noteworthy film, the world is invaded by just that kind of aliens. But Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and Bill Pullman save the day by blowing the villains out of the sky.

Even so, Hawking’s theory depressed me. I wondered what it would be like if I could contact an alien and wangle an interview. I imagine the conversation might go like this: Me: So, uh, Mr. Alien, do you have a name?

Alien: Of course I have a name, you imbecile. All advanced species have names. Mine is Sz-58630. I’m a snark. You hume, me snark.

Me: Hume?

Alien: Short for human.

Me: Right. Now, Stephen Hawking says your species would probably invade our planet, rape its resources, exterminate us, and move on. Any truth to that?

Alien: No. It would be much worse than that.

Me: How could it be worse?

Alien: We wouldn’t leave. This is a cushy little planet you’ve got here—an island of fertility in a vast and barren ocean of space. We’d stay and settle in. For you, that’s the downside.

The upside is that we wouldn’t exterminate you. Why should we?

You’re so tasty! We’d farm you.

Just as you have farms for pigs, chickens, and shrimp, so we’d have hume farms.

Me (dismayed): Errrr…You’d eat us?

Alien: Of course! Don’t you eat the pigs, chickens, and shrimp you raise?

Me: Well, yes, but…that’s different.

Alien: How is that different?

Me (weakly): Well, we’re a higher

species than they are.

Alien: And we are a higher species than you are. If it’s okay for you to eat lower species, why isn’t it okay for us?

Me: Hmmm. This is going to take some figuring out.

Alien: There is also the fine example you set as a species when Cortez and the Spanish conquered Mexico. The Aztecs greeted them as gods, gave them gold, silver, jewels, everything. And how did the Spanish reward them? Demanded more and more gold, conquered them, enslaved them, burned their cities, slaughtered thousands. That was a lovely example you set. We are merely following your lead.

Me: Couldn’t we maybe negotiate a deal? Maybe we could give you some of our natural resources and you could agree not to eat us?

Alien (scornfully): That’s not a deal. You’ve got no cards to play.

We could plunder all your natural resources AND eat you, and you wouldn’t be able to do a thing about it. But there is one thing you could offer us that might mitigate our rapacity.

Me: What’s that?

Alien: Movies. We like your movies. We especially like the ones where aliens are the heroes, like Starman and E.T. You make some movies starring snarks as heroes, and we’ll be more favorably disposed toward you. We’d want some romantic interest, though. We’d want movie stars like Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba and Aishwarya Rai to fall in love with snark heroes. The Snark Who Loved Me would make a wonderful movie title.

Me: So making movies about you would stop you from eating us?

Alien: Well, not exactly. We’d let you make the movie and then eat you.

Me: As deals go, this one is pretty rotten.

Alien: Hey, it’s better than the deal you gave the Aztecs.

S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when he’s wondering whether movies starring snarks would end with the hero eating the leading lady

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A Typical Conversation with my Wife (Part 3) This is the final instalment of the excellent Thai Visa thread: “A Typical Conversation with my Wife”, which chronicles linguistic mix-ups and misunderstandings with posters’ better halves in the Land of Misunderstandings.

I liked Monkeypants’ contribution about a friend of his: Wife- I take son go Arabic dancing Him - he is not going Arabic dancing. He is THAI, not an Arab, no fkin way is he going Arabic dancing!

Wife- Why you so angry, only Arabic dancing?

Him- Look, I have just told you why. He isn’t an Arab, he’s Thai. No way; that’s’ it. He’s not going.

Wife- Fine, have it your way !!

2 minutes later Wife- come here husband I have Arabic dancing to show you on youtube.

Him- No. Wife Please look.

Him- THAT’s not Arabic dancing its Aerobic dancing!

Jangot then offered this mix-upA few years ago, wife & I had the following conversation.

She: daughter wants a helicopter Me: Why would a 16 year old girl want a helicopter? (assuming it’s a toy, as a real one is outside my budget) She: She says she likes. She wants the new one.

Me: Are you sure helicopter?

She: Yes, the latest helicopter.

Me: OK let’s go to Robinsons.

Fade out...fade in at Robinsons. I head for the toy department.

She: No not here - books.

Me: Ah! She wants a book on helicopters (Still thinking strange request from 16 Year old girl).

She: (Pointing to shelf bearing copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, or whatever) - Here, Heli pocter.

And Mosha came up with an example that simply wouldn’t wash: Toi : My friend want to borrow 100,000 to open lolly shop Brian: Why open shop? She can just buy table to put sweets on.

Toi: (giving Brian the “you are too stupid to walk” look). She want shop for lolly not sweets.

aBOVe BaWd IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop

Brian: (reading the warning signs).What she want to do with this lolly shop?

Toi: (giving the “you can’t be seriously asking such a stupid question look”) explains it so even a stupid Farang can understand. She want wash clothes.

Brian: Oh Laundry shop.

Toi: That what I said!

Patron got into comprehension trouble over chickens.

Wife...Help me please, I onion hurts in chicken Me...What Wife....Onion hurts in chicken Me...Oh...you mean when I cook chicken last night and put onion in belly, that hurt him?

Wife...What you talk about chicken last night for?

Me...What are you saying?

Wife...Oh no, why I have to marry man not smart.....she now goes downstairs and comes back carrying a ironing board and the iron Me... Oh so you want to iron my shirts in the kitchen?

Wife... what you think I say More chickens this time, from Sharecropper My wife came back from the market tonight: Me: “What did you buy”?

SHE “A chicken theatre duster” ME: We haven’t got a chicken theatre. What the heck is that? (imagining making my fortune with chickens on Broadway) SHE: What chickens have on their body.

ME “Oh, chicken FEATHER duster” SHE “That what I said”!

And yet more animal misunderstandings, from yankeeVet While walking out the door of our condo...

Wife: You go get alligator.

Me: Alligator?

Wife: Yes, you go get alligator.

Me: Honey, they don’t have alligators in Thailand, only crocodiles.

Angry Wife: What you talk about? I say go push button for alligator!

Me: Oh, elevator.

Angry Wife: That’s what I say! Why you always do this? david006 also had an animal tale.

One time in front of us on the road, was an er-

ratically driven truck loaded with coconuts and perched on top was the monkey...I started to grin and the wife looks at me and says “what dear? You think wrong person driving, yes?!”

JetsetBkk raised one I too have had a problem with: A girlfriend of mine wanted to go to the stationers for lemonade.

This confused the hell out of me. After a more indepth discussion, I realised she wanted to get a photograph laminated.

Moonrakers came out with a classic, which showed the pitfalls of sometimes speaking tooclever English: My wife has a habit of not throwing things away. Even things such as broken TV remotes she insists on keeping.

For this reason, one day I let her know just what a hoarder she is..........

Even to this day, I swear at times I can hear the echo from the hand to face (mine) connection.

Stevemck sympathized: I told my wife she was a sexy Bitch one time. One time was enough. It didn’t matter how much I tried to convince her it was a good thing. It took weeks to get over that one.

Packhik came out with a disturbing confusion from the marital bed.

Just got done making love to wife early in our marriage.

Wife---Your cock no good Me--What?????

Wife--Your cock no good Me--What the hell do you mean by that??

Wife--I mean your cock no work ME---What the hell? You say I no good?

Wife-Not you your cock (then she points to my CLOCK) Me--ohhh my clock...

And finally, t.s added a wry observation about Thai/expat relationships for men coming from unhappy relationships overseas: You must admit there is a perverse beauty in leaving a woman you won’t talk to for one you can’t talk to.

All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net

Naval exercise in preparation for Somalia The Royal Thai Navy conduct regular security patrols off the coast of Somalia as part of a joint task force to combat piracy in the area, which is a busy shipping route.

A recent training exercise was undertaken off Sattahip to prepare sailors for their next mission. The exercise included simulated as-

saults on vessels and firing practice for gunners.

Rear Admiral Paitoon, the commander of training at the Sattahip Navy Base, oversaw the exercise and confirmed his sailors are fully prepared for their next mission to the waters off Somalia beginning on 12th July.

See if you can hit the side of that barn over there

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WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

Results for 6th July 2011

22 Jun 29 Jun 06 Jul 13 Jul 20 Jul 27 Jul 03 Aug 10 Aug 17 Aug 24 Aug

1 PALMERS 2 W. TANKIE 3 THE LONDONER 4 CHEERS 5 BOWLING GREEN 6 SHAGWELL MANSION 7 OFFSHORE 8 NERVOUS WRECK 9 QUEEN VICTORIA 10 THE BUNKER 11 RISING SUN

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

Fun Town’s most vibrant

3 3 1 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1

3 2 3 3 3 1 2 1 3 1 1

Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com

3 3 3 1 1 3 3 1 1 3 1

9 8 7 7 7 7 6 5 5 5 3 89 91 89 74 87 L

HOME The Londoner Nervous Wreck Palmers Queen Victoria W. Tankie Bye

AWAY Cheers Offshore Bowling Green Shagwell Mansion Rising Sun The Bunker

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

4 July 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 06 Jun 13 Jun 20 Jun 27 Jun 04 Jul 11 Jul 18 Jul 25 Jul Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points

Total

87 94 88 84 57 W

R2Q4 Q: Which is the only French-speaking Republic in the Americas? A: Haiti. Bowling Green appealed for Martinique. From Wikipedia: Martinique is an island in the eastern Caribbean Sea, […] it is an overseas region of France. It is not a republic. Appeal denied.

R5Q1 Q: What five letter word may refer to a type of citrus orange fruit, or a human body part? A: Navel.

Rising Sun and Londoner appealed for blood, as in blood orange. I don't think blood can be referred to as a human body part. Appeal denied.

R5Q2 Q: Name the largest tree borne fruit in the world; reaching 36kg in weight, and up to 90cm long and 50cm in diameter. A: Jackfruit. Queen Victoria appealed for Coco de Mer. From the Wikipedia article on Coco de Mer: The mature fruit is 40–50 cm in diameter and weighs 15–30 kg, and contains the largest seed in the plant kingdom. So it is not as big as the jackfruit. And from proscitech.com.au: The jackfruit [...] is the largest edible tree-grown fruit. Appeal denied.

B/F

1 PALMERS 2 CHEERS 3 OFFSHORE BAR 4 BOWLING GREEN 5 THE LONDONER 6 NERVOUS WRECK 7 NOM'S BAR 8 W. TANKIE 9 RISING SUN

814 783 770 746 734 709 707 643 649

99 86 80 69 72 55 49 34 42

72 72 80 82 76 72 70 80 62

Percentage correct by round this Geog. week.

78.6%

6 6 10 12 7 6 3 10 2

86 70 70 64 68 50 84 77 50

Sport

12 7 7 4 5 3 10 8 3

82 80 74 74 67 62 66 65 62

12 10 8 8 6 3 5 4 3

76 62 59 64 72 58 58 70 44

12 6 5 7 10 4 4 8 2

77 82 75 82 74 81 74 67 62

1207 1149 1128 1112 1091 1032 1059 1002 929

7 12 6 12 5 8 5 3 2

History Movies Science Reading General

All

62.7% 60.3% 87.3% 77.8% 66.7% 88.9% 74.9%

148 127 116 112 105 79 76 67 54

Average Team Total: 74.9

R1Q6: Q: On the London Underground, which is the only line to connect at some point with every other line on the system? A: Jubilee. Cheers, Nervous Wreck and Nom's appealed for the Circle Line. Consulting an Underground map, one can see that the Circle connects with every other Underground line apart from the Waterloo & City Line, which has only two stations: Waterloo and Bank. The Circle does not connect with either of these, but the Jubilee does, at Waterloo. Appeal denied.

R2Q5: Q: The oldest driver ever to be crowned Formula One World Champion was 46. Name him. A: Fangio. Cheers appealed for Nigel Mansell claiming that F1 started after Fangio. According to Wikipedia, the first F1 World Championship was in 1950. Fangio was born in 1911 and claimed his fifth and last F1 Championship in 1957 at the age of 46. Mansell was 39 when he won his only F1 Championship in 1992. Appeal denied.

R2Q7: Q: In which sport are competitors referred to as being "a goofy foot" if standing with their right foot forward? A: Surfing. Cheers and W. Tankie appealed for skateboarding. From Wikipedia: Boardsport riders are "footed" in one of two stances, generally called "regular" and "goofy". As this applies to all boardsports, then skateboarding is correct.

Two points to Cheers and W. Tankie.

R5Q6 Q: In legal proceedings what is the commonly used Latin word meaning "in or at another place"? A: Alibi. Queen Victoria appealed for In Absentia. Apart from Queen Vic's answer having two words, their answer means "while not present, or while absent" (from Wiktionary). It is also not used in legal proceedings. Appeal denied.

R3Q6: Q: What was the first major German city to be captured by the Allies in World War II? A: Aachen. Bowling Green appealed for Danzig. From Wikipedia: The Battle of Aachen occurred between 2–21 October 1944 and Aachen was the first German city to be captured by the Allies. Appeal denied.

R6Q1 Q: Which gemstones take their name from the Ancient Greek for unbreakable? A: Diamonds. As this question was part of a connection round (the connection being UK No.1s with one word titles), Bowling Green and Offshore didn't know this particular title. For their edification (and for others, I suspect), Diamonds was an instrumental No.1 hit for Jet Harris and Tony Meehan in January 1963.

R5Q1: Q: In the USA, specifically what is a cayuse? A: A Horse. Offshore appealed for jail. From Wikipedia: Cayuse is an archaic term used in the American West, usually referring to a feral or low-quality horse or pony. Appeal denied.

R6Q8 Q: What connects the answers to the previous 7 questions to the UK music industry (the answers being Diamonds, Michelle, Fire, Dizzy, Vincent, Waterloo and Mississippi)? A: All UK No.1s with one word in the title. Queen Victoria appealed for "Song Titles". As Diamonds was an instrumental, not a song, I cannot allow their answer.

R5Q5: Q: Which is the most poisonous fish in the world? A: Stonefish. Offshore appealed for the puffer fish which can be fatal to a diner if not prepared properly. From Wikipedia: The stonefish is the most venomous fish in the world.

However in another article: Puffer fish are generally believed to be the second–most poisonous vertebrate in the world, after the Golden Poison Frog. Maybe there is a difference between the words poisonous and venomous. I will accept Puffer Fish. Two points to Offshore, Nom's, Bowling Green, Londoner, W. Tankie, Nervous Wreck and Cheers.

One Pattaya

QUIZ

Just for fun and to test your memory and knowledge.

A good way to see whether Alzheimer’s might be a concern here in God’s waiting room by the sea.

Science and Nature

1. The Jura Mountains, after which the geological Jurassic Period is named, are located on the border of what two countries in Europe?

2. In what year did the Natural History Museum in London open?

3. In 1781 what planet in our solar system was discovered? It was allegedly intended to name it George.

4. Who were the last two men to visit the Moon, in December 1972?

5. In relation to rivers, what is the thalweg?

6. The Naked Ape, was written by who? a former curator of mammals at London Zoo. 7. John Cockcroft and Ernest Walton are credited as being the first two scientists to achieve what microscopic but ultimately world-changing event in 1932?

NB: There will be an end-of-season meeting on Friday 15th July at 3pm at Palmers. Would all bar owners or their representatives please be sure to attend. Thanks, Ian. Next week's matches 18th July 2011: Bowling Green vs. Nervous Wreck, Londoner vs. W. Tankie, Nom's vs. Cheers, Offshore vs. Rising Sun, Palmers.

sudoku answers

Next week's matches July 20th 2011: Londoner vs. Nervous Wreck, Palmers vs. Cheers, Queen Victoria vs. Bunker, Rising Sun vs. Bowling Green, W. Tankie vs. Shagwell, Offshore bye.

1. France and Switzerland 2. 1880 3. Uranus 4. Harrison Schmitt and Eugene Cernan 5. The deepest continual line of a river 6. Desmond Morris 7. Split the atom

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 21

IT OCCURS TO ME

By Khun Pobaan This morning I’m going for a leisurely walk. Come with me if you want. Notice how, as we leave the cool ambience of our Khao Talo residence (the Pobaan’s are not crazy; we have the air con on all night), the heat hits us like a tsunami. This always comes as a bit of a surprise. It has been seven hours since I was last outdoors – quite enough to forget overnight that 34 degrees Celsius is a perfectly normal daytime temperature hereabouts. I must try to remember that.

As we set off, I feel strangely unaffected by the heat. I expect you sense it too. As the breeze ruffles my loose shirt my skin still feels cool, even after a few minutes’ walk from home. A wave of optimism flows over me. I am filled with a euphoric sense of being in control. Can it be that, after all this time living here, I have finally become acclimatised to Pattaya’s weather? Will I now stop sweating like a lawn-sprinkler every time I venture outdoors?

Will I, like a local, be able to wear a pale blue cotton shirt without the certainty that, within moments of leaving an air-conditioned mall, it will develop large dark patches like a Friesian cow?

Such is my optimism that I bring to mind a fish that, as a result of an over-energetic leap, finds itself on a rock by the side of the river. For the first few seconds, the fish is thinking, ‘I’m on land. It’s actually not too bad. I can become a land animal.

Think of the travel opportunities, and what about all that food there must be on land? Perhaps one day I could become a reptile and even grow feathers and fly.’

This is a complex daydream for a fish and would probably require more computing power to execute than is available from a brain the size of a peanut. It’s more likely

It’s not that easy going native that at the point where the fish is thinking, ‘Gadzooks, I’m out of the water!’ (though why a fish should exclaim like an Elizabethan pirate is not immediately obvious), it either flips back into the water or gives a final gasp and becomes sushi.

Whatever, the fish’s fantasy is not long-lived. Likewise, my dream moment lasts no more than ten minutes. At that point of our walk I feel a small, localised tickle on my side. A fly, perhaps, which I swat away. Then there’s another one on the other side. Hang on, they’re not insects, they’re drips of sweat. I am aware of another and another until I realise there’s a slick of water across my torso. I’m back to normal; my dream of confronting the climate like a local is gone. My shirt is as limp as a dishcloth, my face is shiny, my hair is clumped into damp points. I look like someone out of place, an arriviste who cannot cope with what natives would consider normal conditions. I’m a fish out of water.

I get a similar feeling when I go into a shop such as 7-Eleven and actually manage to ask for, say, a bottle of whisky in Thai without the cashier dissolving into giggles or giving me one of those looks that means, ‘I can see your lips moving and hear some grunts, but cannot understand a word you’re saying; you must be mentally deranged.

Ting tong.’

She doesn’t give me that look.

She reaches for the bottle without my having to point at it. She smiles as she rings up the price. She has accepted me as a local, a member of her community. The fact that I am half a metre taller than her father, have blue eyes and hair the colour of Weetabix is irrelevant. She judges me solely by the excellence of my spoken Thai. She sees through all

these superficial markers and embraces me as one of her tribe.

This acceptance feels great; it’s the sense of belonging. But it lasts only a couple of seconds – until she looks up and says something to me in Thai which could be, ‘It’s hot for the time of year; it could rain later.’

Or perhaps, ‘Have you seen our special offer on hair dye?’

‘Umm. Ahh, excuse me?’ I splutter in English, having exhausted my entire repertoire of Thai words in our earlier exchange.

I can remember the Thai for ‘What did you say?’ but that would only elicit a repetition of the phrase I have no chance of understanding.

‘That’ll be 349 baht,’ she responds in the international language. (That wasn’t what she said before, because I happen to know the Thai word for ‘baht’ and that wasn’t included.) But while she speaks, her eyes are saying something else: ‘You’re a hopeless farang who won’t make the effort to learn our noble language. On top

of that, your hair is the colour of breakfast cereal and you shouldn’t wear a light blue cotton shirt if you can’t cope with the heat.’

And so, gentle companion, since it is too hot to walk home, we return by motorbike taxi. The windows of my modest residence have spent the whole day trapping the rays of the merciless sun inside, like an experiment in renewable energy generation. I could cook a pizza in here now without bothering with the oven. Do you have time to rest your feet for a while? Come on to the verandah for a refreshing Scotch and soda – a stengah, I believe the colonials used to call it.

It’ll remind you of home, the place you truly belong.

This article is an extract from ‘If You Can’t Stand The Fun, Stay Out Of The Go-Go’, a new collection of perspectives on everyday life in Pattaya by William Peskett, alias Khun Pobaan. The book is available from Amazon.com or the Kindle Store.

22 Pattaya One

A Fool in Paradise

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Same Same But Different I first came to Thailand in 1998 and it seems the more things change the more they stay the same. Take the old ‘prawn farm’ investment which used to be offered up to gullible foreigners eagre to eek out a living in this land of smiles. Most often, the bait was a beautiful young lady genuinely trying to help out the foreign love of her life, even if he was old enough to be her father or grandfather. Horny men fell for it with reckless abandon, pouring hundreds of thousands of baht into businesses they knew nothing about nor had any control over. I cannot recall hearing one single success story from such an enterprise, and in Money Number One I recounted the following true tale: Dave invested some 50,000 baht in his girlfriend’s prawn farm. One day, while drinking with a group of friends, he produced a plate containing some large yet unspectacular prawns for the group.

“Is this a sample of your prawn harvest?” one of the friends asked.

“What sample?” Dave replied sheepishly. “This is it – the entire crop!”

It seems that Dave had failed to take into account certain factors when it came to his business venture. After allowing for all the stock that was stolen from the unguarded pond, all the ones eaten by his girlfriend’s family, all of those sold prematurely by these same in-laws and all the prawns that simply died of neglect, his part of the deal amounted to about 500 grams.

“Dave, this is the first time in my life I’ve eaten prawns that cost 100,000 baht per kilo.”

After the ‘prawn farm’ business went ‘on the nose’ so to speak, next came the ‘fish farm’. This was proposed in exactly the same way, similar costs were involved and, of course, the result was the same.

“No profit this time because of (pick any of a hundred excuses), but we’re sure we’ll make a fortune next time.

Please send more money for stock, food and equipment.”

Now in 2011 the wheel has turned once again. This time the gold mine is in the form of rubber plantations.

Over the past months many friends have told me of acquaintances who have poured money into rubber trees. Even my investment wizard and Thai turtle dove has got into the

act. With no pre-discussion or hint what she was up to, she proudly announced she had purchased one rai (1,600sq.m.) of an existing rubber plantation for 15,000 baht, using all the money she had saved from her allowance over the past eight years and borrowing the other 14,950 baht from her sister. It seems I am now cohabitating with a rubber baron.

Upon investigation, I found the pitfalls for the inexperienced or unwary are the same as for the prawns or fish, and cost much more than you think.

Thailand is the largest rubber producer and exporter in the world.

Rubber trees grow best on flat, low land and require a climate with heavy rainfall. There are not a lot of rubber plantations in the Northeast compared to the South. Most of Isaan’s rubber is grown along the Cambodian and Lao borders and along the Mekong.

After purchasing suitable land (anything less than 10 rai is a waste of effort), clearing and preparing it, saplings are purchased and planted at about 72 trees per rai. Trees mature at seven years and will produce rubber for 20 years or more. With no return for 7 years, the costs are still there. Expenses like fertilizer (10 rai – 8 bags twice a year) and labour costs including people to spread it and workers to cut the grass around the trees and the branches as they grow. Plantations also need to be ploughed twice a year for the first few years. Water pumps and tanks are required to water the young trees during the dry season and only expert rubber tappers should be hired when the time comes.

Thai government figures suggest a yield of 270kg per rai per year.

(Yields are better in the south. In Malaysia, for instance, they are nearly double.) Today, natural latex concentrate sells for around 134 baht per kg. That is a maximum return of 36,000 baht per rai. Sounds good, but remember you have done nothing but outlay money for six years, so the first year’s harvest is not going to get you in the black.

Once it is local knowledge that a foreigner is the financier of the rubber plantation, you will be subject to the usual Thai eccentricities. As a rule of thumb, double the costs and halve the returns. That alone should take the shine off it.

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20 The changing face of the faux chrome pole molester: For quite some months regular bar hounds who spend their evenings trawling through the 50 or so gogo bars on or around the environs of Walking Street may have been a little confused at different times when it comes to some of the damsels caressing the chrome poles. By ‘confused’ I mean they might have begun thinking they are seeing the same girl on a Monday night in one den only to discover her cavorting about in a different chrome pole palace on Tuesday and yet another joint on Wednesday. Perhaps they are starting to think there is some kind of village in Issan producing almost exact replicas, or clones, of some of the best looking ladies whose general attire doesn’t run to much more than a knowing smirk and a g-string.

It is my understanding that in recent times an agency controlled by a foreigner who runs his own bar in Pattaya has been established which has gone around signing the most alluring girls to its books, offering a generous contract deal which effectively takes these girls off the market. This stable of contracted girls is then farmed out to various dens who are prepared to ‘order’ a quantity of ladies in to fill their stages and make it look as though they’re well staffed.

Now I may not have all the intricate details one hundred percent correct, and that may be my interpretation rather than the info I have been given, but I believe each damsel has a 10-days on, 10-days off cycle. Naturally, this would suit pretty much every girl. After all, during their 10-day down time they are free to do what they please.

When they are working, I am led to believe the deal is that a bar pays 1,100 baht or thereabouts per night to the foreign contractor for the girls’ services. In turn, she receives about 800 baht per night, but her task is to milk as many punters as possible for as many lady drinks as possible and avoid offers of horizontal companionship. If a punter insists, then the bar fine is set at 1,000 baht and at least one lady drink, so that the bar is not out of pocket if a damsel goes off with the first bulging wallet who walks through the door.

Local rumour suggests there are up to 150 girls on the contractors’ books. There are some dens -for example What’s up (Soi 15, off Walking Street)- which have taken 20 or 30 girls at a time. In some ways it’s a cheap option: reduce the salaried staff and operate on a scaled basis. That is, order a crew of 20 dancers for a Monday and Tuesday night, 25 for Wednesdays and Thursdays, and 30-plus for the busy Friday, Saturday and Sunday night trade.

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

N ghtmarch By duncan Stearn

The problem in the long term is the effect this kind of contracting will have on the overall customer experience. Apart from the twoweek millionaires who are usually here during the high season months, the majority of bums on seats in go-go and coyote bars are not guys whose cash reserves are bottomless. There aren’t many I know who are prepared to shell out a 1,000 baht bar fine for a damsel plus the silly amounts some of these girls demand for a sniff at their mound of Venus. I don’t have any problem with girls trying to extract as much monetary reward as they possibly can from their paramours.

Yet the reality is that as the costs of horizontal folk dancing rises, a tipping point will be reached which makes a majority of punters decide other countries may offer a better bang for their money.

Go to the head of the gaming table: The last time I trekked about the go-gos in Sois Post Office (13/2) and Yamato (13/1) I was very disappointed. I recently went out on an afternoon with a friend of mine and we had a quick drink, first in Far east rock go-go (Soi Post Office) and then las Vegas go-go (Soi Yamato).

Far East was average. The music was fine, and combined nicely with a video presentation, the draft beer was 60 baht a glass and cold.

There were a few punters enjoying themselves, and the damsels were friendly enough. Naturally, you can’t expect to be confronted with stunners and 8/10’s in these places, but there was not one of the dozen or so in the den I would have taken, for free.

It was a different story in Las Vegas. There were about a dozen or more dancing damsels, with a couple worth a second look. The music was similar to that of Far East, the draft beer 50 baht, lady drinks 125 baht. The place has got a clean and fresh feel to it, and probably rates about the best of the go-go’s in the immediate area.

The temperature rises: The Fahrenheit go-go (Walking Street) is pretty much populated by chrome pole huggers who appear to only have eyes for the younger guys, or the obviously starry-eyed visitors with wallet-loads of personality. That’s hardly surprising given the subtle shift in the attitudes of dancing damsels, and mattress entertainers, over the past few years. Having said that, there are

Email: duncan@pattayaone.net

a couple of chrome pole huggers who leave nothing to the imagination, apart from what soap they might use, and have the kind of upfront physique usually only seen on page Three girls in British tabloids.

Worth a drink if only to ogle at the female form in all its beauty. If that sounds sexist or chauvinistic, please note the nature of the column you are reading: I am not employed to write about flowering shrubs, quantum mechanics, or the dream sequences of Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir.

Rub it in, baby: First it was tequila shooter babes, then it was buckets of ping-pong balls, and now the new craze designed to extract a few extra baht from the wallets of goggle-eyed punters in go-go bars is skin cream…a little dab ‘ll do ya.

The management of the living dolls Showcase go-go (Walking Street) has introduced an idea whereby punters can buy a small tub of skin cream (I think the amount is 100 baht) which they are then free to apply to as much of the physical charms of a dancing damsel as they can. I guess this means the damsels in Living Dolls Showcase will be easy to spot on the streets of Fun Town as they’ll be the ones with glowing skin.

The steroids are going digital: OK, this is a shameless plug, so feel free to skip to the next item should you not wish to read further. Over the past year or two, the world of e-books has expanded exponentially as the electronic reading devices have become more sophisticated and user friendly. About the only

place they’re not suitable for is the beach.

Mindful of the rise in the e-book market, I have re-issued my first Thailand-based book, Pattaya, Patpong on Steroids, in this new electronic, downloadable format.

The hard copies have been exhausted (although I did spot two in the bookshop in Soi Post Office recently), and I saw no advantage in issuing yet another print run.

Since about 2005, the market in books about Pattaya and Thailand has become saturated, and a lot of what is on groaning away on the shelves is dross.

For anyone interested in an e-book of Pattaya, Patpong on Steroids, just go to www.amazon.com and search in the Kindle books section. Alternatively, try the Thailand-based book website www. dcothai.com.

Piece of Pith: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

to read this column online go to www.pattayaone.net

s a t i l o L www.lolitapattaya.com

Pattaya

A Gentlemen’s Lounge

• Coyote Dancing Nightly Sat-Thurs • Extensive Music & Video Library • Live Music Friday Nights • Complimentary Pool & Wi-Fi

Ask the staff about our VIP Card!

Soi LK Metro, Pattaya. Tel: 038 720 689 Open 10am-2am

24 Pattaya One

16 - 31 July 2011 Issue 20

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Travel Thailand & beyond

A Day at Bangkok’s Whacky Races

By Duncan Stearn Among Bangkok’s less well-publicised attractions are its two horse-racing circuits: the Royal Bangkok Sports Club (RBSC) and the Royal Turf Club (RTC). The latter is on Phitsanulok Road while the former is probably the easier to get to, being near Lumpini Park (and its underground railway station) and within walking distance of the Ratchadamri, Sala Daeng and Chit Lom Skytrain (BTS) stations.

The RBSC and RTC alternate between each other, racing on a Sunday between 12:30 pm and 6:00 pm. The reason for running on a Sunday is that this is the standard day off for most ordinary workingclass folk.

Owners of racehorses include politicians -both current and former-, high-ranking police and military personnel, and high society types.

Six major races are conducted each year on the two city courses including the King’s, Queen’s, and Chakri Cups at RBSC (also referred to as Patumwan racecourse) while the RTC holds the Derby, President’s Cup and something called the Ramraghob, which sounds suspiciously like an exotic Asian dish featuring an endangered species.

Around 500 races are run in Bangkok each year and there are provincial racecourses in Khorat, Khon Kaen, Udon Thani, Chiang Mai, and Roi Et. Perhaps the best known racehorse -and by ‘best known’ I mean an animal whose name appears among the many winners of major races conducted around the worldto stand at stud in Thailand was Temperence Hill, who won the 1980 Belmont Stakes (third leg of the U.S. Triple Crown). He also won the Arkansas Derby, the prestigious Travers Stakes, Jockey Club Gold Cup, Super Derby, and Suburban Handicap, finishing with 11 wins in 31 starts. His career prize money of US$1,567,650 was the-then eighth highest in the world. He came to Thailand in 1996 after an average career as a stallion in the US.

RIGGED In an August 2002 article, the American magazine Newsweek claimed horse racing in Thailand

A well spread out field in the home straight was ‘rigged’. It called it ‘one of the most corrupt in Asia with backroom deals occurring on a regular basis.’ Owners were colluding with each other to determine who wins races and were ‘making millions of dollars in gambling profits at the expense of average fans.’ Allegedly the winning owner/s share the proceeds with others involved in the scams. Considering an average year sees a turnover in excess of 35 billion baht, of which the government receives more than 16 percent, it’s not hard to see why a few people might find it very lucrative.

In 2003, one contributor to an Australian horse racing website noted: ‘I recall the day I went with a business colleague and he kept backing the second-favourite, which in one race streaked away at the 300 metre mark only to be collared on the line by the odds-on favourite which had all but collapsed and called for oxygen on the home turn- I think the jockey on the second horse had a bad case of hand blisters after the race…’

Throughout the world a racetrack tends to be a male-dominated environment. The courses in Bangkok are no different, with men outnumbering women on a ratio of about 10 to one. At least this is undoubtedly the case in the public enclosure (entry fee 100 baht), which always looks to be made up of the type of people who would most kindly be described as the needy and the greedy.

The public stand is not a place to bring someone you are trying to impress. The place looks like it hasn’t had anything resembling a modern makeover for about half a century.

The last time it saw a coat of paint

was just after Armstrong and Aldrin were traipsing about the surface of the moon.

Betting is by totalisator (Tote) only. The odds on each horse and the amounts invested for the win or the place are displayed on TV monitors around the course, as well as on a semaphore board in front of the main grandstand on the infield of the track. The minimum bet is 50 baht.

All races are run over 1200 metres (six furlongs) and it is possible to purchase a comprehensive formguide in English. The events, usually 10 per meeting, are divided into a series of divisions with the higher numbers representing poorer quality conveyances, i.e. animals classified as thoroughbreds but more inclined to run like castrated goats.

DOPED In the abbreviations guide at the start of the formguide are the letters ‘d’ and ‘m’. They do not translate as ‘deep’ and ‘meaningful’ but rather as ‘doped substance’ and ‘medicated substance’, both of which appear to indicate a rather relaxed attitude towards performance-enhancing or retarding drugs.

Within a couple of minutes of the conclusion of each race the field for

the following event makes its way onto the course and around to the barrier stalls. A bevy of barrier attendants then help to place the runners in the barriers where they remain for anything up to 20 minutes.

Although there is an advertised starting time for each race, the events take place in a Kipling-like ‘a fool lies here who tried to hurry the East’ fashion. During that time betting on the race takes place but it’s apparent the ‘real’ money only goes on in the last one or two minutes.

As the advertised start time comes and goes a course broadcaster tells gamblers they now have about one minute to place a wager. He then starts a 10-second countdown before the horses are released from the barriers; this is made very clear by the announcer shrieking in a fashion normally associated with people who have suddenly come into painful contact with a cattle prod in a tender part of their anatomy. He then falls completely silent for the remainder of the race.

The fields tend to be fairly closely packed as they approach the one and only sweeping bend. Once in the home straight the slowest animals drop back quickly and by the time the winner and placegetters pass the finish line there can be quite a margin between first and last. Finesse is not a word that jumps into the mind when watching the jockeys.

I wonder if there are ever representatives of pet food companies attending these meetings?

Most races that I’ve seen have been taken out by one of the first two favourites on the tote board.

Thailand may well boast a proud history of world-class lightweight boxers and the odd snooker and tennis player, but if the visual evidence of a race day in Bangkok is anything to go by they are a long way from ever having a Thai jockey equivalent of a Lester Piggott, George Moore, or Willie Shoemaker.

A tight finish at the RBSC

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.