Pattaya One Issue 14

One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

inside this issue:

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16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14 www.pattayaone.net

% Fool in Paradise % Nightmarch % Pete’s Peregrinations % Thai Lite

imitation Nazi Memorabilia For Sale in Pattaya Russian Tourists Outraged

Pattaya One was recently alerted by a disgusted reader who referred us to the open sale of fake Nazi memorabilia on stalls off Walking Street and elsewhere in the city, usually late at night.

Our reporter walked around Pattaya’s main shopping streets after midnight recently and discovered there were indeed a number of vendors purveying these items, considered deeply offensive to many people.

The city was the centre of an international storm in October 2009 when Louis Tussaud’s opened its waxworks and promoted the attraction with a billboard on Sukhumvit Road featuring Adolf Hitler, the former German dictator. In Thai, the slogan on the billboard read, ‘Hitler is not dead’.

Thankfully, it didn’t go so far as to suggest the raving lunatic was somehow still alive and living in Naklua, aged 120. The billboard was neatly placed not too far past the ‘Welcome to Pattaya’ sign.

After a raft of complaints, including those of the German and Israeli ambassadors the billboard was removed. The Israeli ambassador, Itzhak Shaham, was quoted as saying, “It is totally unacceptable to have such a monster like Adolf Hitler on public display. How this could happen is beyond my comprehension.”

The fact a few Pattaya vendors are now openly selling Nazi-style material under the noses of

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By Staff Writers

many thousands of family tourists from Russia, a country whose suffering under the hands of Nazis in World War Two resulted in the deaths of millions of their countrymen has sparked outrage.

Pattaya One spoke to Russian tourists on Walking Street who expressed disgust at the images for sale on Pattaya’s streets. Sasha, from Moscow, said it was, “very sad to see these things for sale, when Nazis were terrible for Russian people”.

Dimitry, also from Moscow, and a police officer, was particularly angry. He said he thought the vendors should be arrested, fined and jailed, as the sale of these items was a hostile act which was unwelcome to Russian tourists, not just for historical reasons but also because of current offensive Neo-Nazi activity in Russia.

Richard, a long-term Jewish resident of Pattaya, was asked for his opinion on the Nazi material. “Those people have no concept of world history. They’re only interested in making money and have no sense of the hurt they might cause,” he stated. “If there was a Jewish organization here in Thailand you can be sure they would have made a hue and cry about these kinds of things being for sale.”

Further afield, Rabbi Abraham Cooper of the Simon Weisenthal Centre, based in California in the United States, commented by email: ‘It is important for people of good will to understand

To advertise please contact Howard on 087 747 8555 or email: howard@pattayaone.net

02 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Imitation Nazi Memorabilia For Sale in Pattaya From page one

You should see the prices they charge in here

the hurt and anger that the marketing of Nazi symbols cause millions of Europeans, the Jewish people and Roma(Gypsies). Hitler’s Third Reich was responsible for the Second World War and all the death and suffering inflicted on tens of millions of innocent people.

In addition their ideology was racists. It’s genocidal program against Jewish people murdered 6 million Jews among them 1.5 million Jewish children. Their alliance with Imperial Japan also helped further embolden Japanese aggression in Asia.

There is no doubt with their so-called Aryan Race that had they won World War II they would have targeted other ”inferior races “, including Asians. In 2011, the Nazi symbols are used by racists in Russia and elsewhere in Europe by groups that hate all people of color.

We would hope that the good people of Thailand would remove this stain from their marketplaces.’

One of the most common sights is the sale of motorbike helmets with the Nazi flag stenciled on one side and the SS insignia on the

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

other. Other helmets have the Nazi flag on one side and the eagle and swastika on the other. These helmets are worn by many European expats and others in Pattaya. One has to wonder whether the people who wear them are fully aware that in many cases their own countries had been invaded and occupied by the Nazi’s and tens of thousands of their countrymen (and almost certainly a number of their own relatives) would have suffered at the hands of the invaders. As one Australian expat commented, “You’d have to be some kind of a brain-dead moron to want to be seen swanning about the streets with one of these on your melon.”

The authorities clamped down on the sale of offensive anti-George Bush t-shirts, and pro-9/11 items nearly a decade ago, and more recently, on child pornography.

So the precedents exist to remove these items from the streets, the open sale of which bring no good to the international reputation of the city. Of course, the other question that needs to be asked is, just who is buying this material? After all, if there was no customer base then the offensive material wouldn’t be on sale. Perhaps there really are more “brain-dead morons” loose on the streets than we might have thought.

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16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

A Sea of Mist

Recent unusual weather conditions resulted in the early-morning shrouding of Jomtien in smog, mist and smoke from fires, as the accompanying photograph shows.

Rumours that air quality in Pattaya has recently deteriorated were greeted with excitement by pulmonologists in the city, to whom hacking coughs sound rather like hitting the jackpot on a fruit machine.

Bottom’s Up

Our photographer recently captured the aftermath of Pattaya’s recent, terrible storms, when he spotted an upturned fishing vessel resting just offshore in Pattaya Bay. In the distance can also be seen one of the severely damaged parasailing platforms which bore the brunt of the stormy weather. Fortunately they were back in business within days. Unlike the hapless owner of the fishing vessel.

Gold necklace snatched

British sports star succumbs to wily Thai female Just how hard was he trying?

The Megabreak Snooker Hall in Soi Diana Inn held a series of exhibition matches recently in which the star attraction was the champion British snooker player Jimmy White. In what can only be described as an amazing turn of events, White was defeated in a close-fought pool match by an amateur Thai female.

Khun Nisa, also known as Nikky, hails from Bangkok and showed the champion snooker player some classy moves on her way to scoring a rare victory over the man still ranked among the best snooker

players in the world.

A regular visitor to Thailand and especially Pattaya, Jimmy White was relaxing between more serious snooker tournaments when he agreed to take part in a few exhibition games at Megabreak. Naturally, the matches proved popular and it was almost standing room only during the time when White was in action.

White has never won a world snooker championship but holds the record for the most number of appearances in finals.

After the shock of the theft Mr Granier tried to catch up with the thief, but he was too quick and disappeared into the side sois.

A report was made at Pattaya police station but the chances of finding the thief and the necklace don’t look good. Merde.

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Jimmy White gets beaten at his own game.

Photo courtesy Derek Trent

A Mr Frederic Granier, a 46-yearold Frenchman, is about 50,000 baht poorer after he was relieved of a two-baht weighted gold necklace and its attached Buddha following a snatch and grab that took place on Naklua road.

Despite the plethora of stories available online, in print, on the radio and on television concerning Thai males on motorbikes who roam the streets stealing gold necklaces from around the necks of anyone wearing such an item, Mr Granier probably thought he was immune from such impudence.

However, the song remains the same: he was driving the motorbike, his Thai girlfriend was on the back and one Thai male on another motorbike came past, reached out and snatched the gold necklace.

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16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Pete’s Peregrinations Being Back in Pattaya

By Peter Lloyd

Just My Luck We are back in Thailand having spent our last few days in Cape Town in a condo with amazing views over Table Mountain, although it was mostly shrouded in white cloud - called its table cloth, by locals.

We travelled around for two weeks in South Africa, and spent a hard three weeks travelling in Namibia in many situations that could have caused us really serious problems, with not so much of a scratch on any of us.

Yet within 24 hours of being back in Thailand I was lying on a bed in the emergency room of Pattaya Memorial Hospital, having walked into a metal ruler which was jutting out from my bookcase, with the following result:

It was caused by a ruler in my condo, not a drunken knife fight on Walking Street. Honest doc.

All of which blood, drama and palaver made me conclude that, contrary to popular belief, travelling around darkest Africa is MUCH safer than staying at home in Pattaya sorting out the stationery.

Not the lie-in I had envisaged early on a jet-lagged Sunday morning.

Table Mountain’s Table Cloth

Nong Khai

Coming back to Pattaya is always interesting, especially after six weeks away. I was not surprised to see the appalling progress being made on Thappraya Road, but I was very surprised to note the increasing number of Russian tourists still coming well after traditional high season has ended.

Speaking to many Thais and foreigners with restaurants, bars, retail outlets and even with people at Pattaya Memorial Hospital, where I noticed new signs in Russian, Russians are accounting for anything between 50%-75% of mainstream foreign tourist business in Pattaya right now, and I suspect this won’t diminish anytime soon, for better and for worse.

One Pattaya

Laos Gravel Extraction Operation - well over the middle line of the Mekong I’d hardly had time to visit the emergency room before I was gone again, this time to Nong Khai for a week for the Chinese “Cheng Meng” celebration, when families to go the graves of their ancestors with food, and to spruce up the graves.

The cemeteries come to resemble tented fairgrounds, with large multi-coloured awnings and umbrellas protecting people from the hot sun, cannonades of firecrackers echoing around the place, streamers, flower petals and many coloured flags decorating the graves, while excited family groups meet, chat and lay out enormous amounts of food, to be eaten later.

I always love my trips to Nong Khai, and I’m interested to note the increasing wealth and investment in and around the town.

Walking along the Mekong River is one of my favourite pastimes when I’m there.

This time I saw what looked like an earthwork stretching right across the river, which I at first thought was a dam being built, with many trucks moving along it.

Astonished, as I had heard nothing about a dam on the Mekong here, I walked up to check it out, only to discover the Laos gravel extractors have encroached well

over halfway across the river, in the low water season, to take gravel and sand from the river bed, I presume for the huge waterfront works they are carrying out at Vientiane.

It was an impressive and expensive logistical feat, but unless it’s a joint venture (and it didn’t look like it), I‘m sure someone is being paid off on the Thai side, otherwise there’d be armies of Yellow Shirts causing trouble about Thailand’s (river) border being encroached on.

Mind you, they’ll probably not be welcome in Nong Khai.

As a reminder of the deep divisions that remain in Thai society, the only overtly political signs (literally in this case) I saw were photos of local politicians, up for election, posing with Thaksin!

Politician and Friend

delivered to your hospital bed I visited a good friend of mine who was in hospital after being admitted two weeks earlier, with a serious abscess on his liver, caught from eating river prawns on a recent trip up –country.

He had been in an extremely serious condition at one stage and could have died, but was now fortunately beginning the slow road to recovery.

When I asked what he would like me to bring with me on my visit, anything at all, he asked only for a copy of Pattaya One! So either he enjoys reading the paper, like many others seem to, given the positive feedback I have received since being back, or he has been hitting the morphine drip with an un-medicated gusto, and was seriously off his head. Which is more likely.

Contact me on pattayaonepete@gmail.com

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Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

Sometimes On, Sometimes Off Sir, I just had to write again about the daily comedy involving the traffic lights that control the railway track roads on the Dark Side.

I live in Soi Khao Talo and regularly travel towards Soi Ngern Plub Wan and Soi Kow Noi. Sometimes the traffic lights for all these intersections have been turned on and sometimes they haven’t. Sometimes the traffic runs really quite well and other times it looks like a dogs breakfast. It also

doesn’t stop some people ignoring them altogether and just driving through, which must surely lead to accidents.

I have noticed the traffic lights seem to be operating a bit more sensibly and bank-ups aren’t happening quite as badly as in the past so maybe the local council managed to finally work out what’s best.

I hope so anyway.

Bill Reynolds, by email

We are aware that local residents along the sois you mention are not happy with the way the traffic lights have operated, but it does appear as though some effort has been made to understand that the majority of traffic along these roads travels east-west or westeast, not north-south or southnorth.

We are not privy to the way the system works in terms of when they are turned on and when they are switched off. It may have

something to do with the alignment of the planets Mars and Uranus; whether the Moon is waxing or waning; the number of winning Lottery numbers less than 6; the price of pork futures on the Thai Stock Exchange; the amount of sleep the Commissioner for Traffic Lights has had in the last five hours, or a combination of all, or none, of the above.

The bears are out of hibernation Sir, I am seeing more Russians every time I visit Pattaya.

I think it is a bad thing for Pattaya, because they aren’t polite or friendly like other tourists and the more Pattaya gets, the worse this gets for everyone else.

A mate of mine lived in India for two years and said the Russians ruined the city he was in by taking it over -arriving on cheap package tours and young people showed too much drunk and aggressive behaviour, and even shocked the locals.

Do you think it is a good thing for Pattaya?

Or do you think it will go the same way here -worse for others, and what about the people

who own bars and go gos etc?

Yours sincerely, Phil, from UK by email.

As far as the bar owners are concerned (beer bars and go-go variety) the Russians have very little impact on their financial bottom line as they bring their own ‘sand to the beach’ as it were. The only reason the Russians are here in Pattaya in such large numbers is the proximity of U-Tapao airport where they arrive on charter flights. They probably don’t really like the local Thais all that much, but obviously enjoy the hot weather, all year round. After all,

what would you prefer: freezing your gonads off for nine months of the year or catching the warm rays of the sun on an average beach in Pattaya? A lot of people ask whether the Russian ‘mafia’ will outmuscle the Thais and take over as the premier crime figures on the Eastern Seaboard. It’s doubtful. The Thais have always been smart enough to let things get to a certain tipping point before reclaiming their territory.

Letting things get to such a stage is, of course, no good thing, but, we as foreign guests in Thailand have to understand the locals will take the action they deem necessary, when they think the time is right. Perhaps that’s why a lot of effort has been taken by TAT to attract the burgeoning Indian tourist market.

Motorbike Madness Sir, When I first came to Pattaya I sympathised with the taxi motorcyclists who hung around for hours on end for the odd fare.

But now I see them for what they are: a menace on the roads and indeed footpaths, especially the younger riders. They have about as much road sense as a bull in a china shop.

They show absolutely no consideration to pedestrians and they are menace to other road users too. It makes no sense for these taxi motorcyclists to be injuring or maiming their potential customers, but then the manner in which they drive indicates that they don’t have much sense anyway.

Recently as I walked on the footpath of the North Pattaya Road a taxi motorcyclist hurtled towards me with a passenger on board. I instinctively raised my bag to try and protect myself. Undaunted this taxi

motorcyclist idiot drove straight through the bag, cracking the glass face of my mobile phone, although of course that was preferable to cracking my ribs.

Some private motorbike users are just as reckless as the taxi motorcyclists. Today at the pedestrian lights situated beside Tesco Lotus on North Pattaya Road, while cars stopped as I attempted to cross at the green light, this reckless fool on a motorbike drove on blasting his horn, shouting abuse and narrowly missing me in the process.

Unfortunately Pattaya’s finest were nowhere to be seen.

These irresponsible motorcyclists are a serious threat to the safety of us all and should be dealt with severely by the police, but this serious safety issue seems to be very low on the priority list of the police.

There is something seriously wrong when one cannot even feel

safe from the danger of motorcyclists whilst walking on the footpath!

Derek, by email In a book entitled Land of the Lotus Eaters, the author was told by an expatriate Bangkok resident: “The traffic is worse than anywhere I’ve ever been. Buses come at you like juggernauts. Samlors dodge under your wheels. Taxis are liable to make right-hand turns across your track and...well, everybody interprets the traffic laws as he or she sees fit...You’ve never seen such chaos.” That book was published in 1959 and nothing appears to have changed very much in the half century since.

When the city allocated some money many years ago to the creation and improvement of existing footpaths the planners made it easy for motorbikes to ride up

onto the pavement. Naturally, whenever traffic is heavy, or simply when a motorcyclist wants to go somewhere in a hurry, he (for it is almost always a male) will mount the pavement and ride without much regard for the walking classes.

Driving against oncoming traffic is another common sight and vehicles without license plates are so common now you have to wonder if the police and authorities charged with maintaining traffic jams have even one eye open.

Pattaya is not the only city or town in Southeast Asia where a pedestrian is basically viewed with utter contempt. In Kuala Lumpur, for example, the pedestrian footpaths are also used as an ‘extra’ lane.

Perhaps you should start carrying a baseball bat, purely to be used to fend off potential collisions.

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Big hole fixed in central Pattaya road

The committee determines this is indeed a big hole in the road City council employees were called to the western side of the fairly new railway road where it joins with Soi Kow Noi to inspect a significant and poten-

tially dangerous hole in the bitumen.

As with anything of this nature the operation involved up to a dozen employees of the local government, as well as a few motorbikes, a couple of trucks and, eventually, a backhoe.

The first task was to properly identify the problem, that is, that a big hole had suddenly appeared in the road. Then, after an on-the-spot committee had been formed, and minutes taken, it was decided to refer a final decision on what should be done to someone not dressed in an orange shirt. He clearly thought the problem needed to be fixed and so a backhoe was called in.

When the backhoe turned up, one of the committee members helpfully pointed out the location of the said hole. After clearing the hole of debris we are happy to report that it was suitably filled in and will probably only re-appear the next time someone spills a bucket of water in the vicinity.

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Loud motorbike leads to drug arrest Just before sparrow fart one morning, a 30-year-old Kuwaiti national, named as Khaled Alazemi, was stopped by police on routine patrol in the South Pattaya area after they saw him riding around on a very loud motorbike.

Since Mr Alazemi wasn’t dressed in traditional garb and was acting suspiciously, officers decided to urine test him and came up trumps when his sample turned the colour purple. He was then told to take officers back to his rented room,

By day he is clean living Khaled the employee

By night he is Khaled of the loud bike and illegal narcotics which was on Third Road, where a search uncovered an Aladdin’s cave of illegal narcotics and drug taking materials. Just one yah bah tablet was found, but along with 0.53g of crystal methamphetamine and a small bag of marijuana it was enough to arrest the Kuwaiti and give him a small room with iron bars while he awaits a court appearance. It also means there is one less really loud motorbike on the streets of Pattaya, at least for the time being.

The

BellwetherEnd

By Mike Bell

Water, water everywhere

Throughout Thailand there are many different festivals and celebrations. Bangkok has its famous Royal Barge ceremony and its equally infamous Film Festival.

Surin hosts an Elephant Round-up; Petchaburi has Kite Flying; there is even a rocket launching Festival at the appropriately named Bun Bang Fai in Yasothon. Chiang Mai is famed for the beauty of its Loy Kratong show. And Pattaya?

Pattaya has the longest Songkran celebration in all of Thailand. It is reckoned to boost the economies of neighbouring countries by two percent as water-wearied expats depart for dryer shores, notably the Philippines and Vietnam. Their place is taken by boys of all ages from around the world. They appear clad from head to toe in battle gear. Face masks thankfully cover their, well, faces. Strapped to their sturdy shoulders are great plastic canisters in which to carry their ammunition. In their hands they

carry the very latest in water propellant guns. These are so powerful they can floor a motorbike taxi driver at twenty paces and they do, amid much guttural guffawing.

They stride from one watering hole to another lending a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘getting tanked up’.

Of course the local Thai populace welcomes them with open arms; they stroke talcum powder on to their cheeks and sell them water at Draft Chang prices. Boys will be boys, but unfortunately they don’t know when to stop. A Japanese father photographing his children with an expensive camera? Drench him. A couple of Hi-So Thais en route for the Amari in their best clothes? Drown ‘em. Despite the unwritten rule that decrees no water during the hours of darkness, they keep at it, laughing uproariously every time they ruin some hapless victim’s new clothes. It is like watching a comedy series with only one joke like The Nanny or Chang Heart of Goals. Laugh? I

nearly wet my pants.

And the traffic! I once elected to change some books at Tops Emporium. I had not realized it was the final chaotic day of Songkran culminating in the Grand Parade. I ‘drove’ down Pattaya Klang watching all those lucky people who had left their cars at home and were actually moving forward. How many times can you smile as some arsehole smears your windscreen with flour or talc? What can you do when your windscreen reservoir runs dry? How I chortled when I tried to clear it with a tissue through my open window and some one threw a pint of water over my car seats. Two hours later I got to the shop and read the notice on the locked door: ‘Closed for Songkran’.

Another two hours back – sanuk, sanuk.

Any business opportunists should embrace this week with open arms.

Get shares in a local car-cleaning franchise or invest in a Travel Agents specializing in Get-a-way

packages. Laundries also do well as customers seek to wash out the foul smelling liquid masquerading as water sold at exorbitant prices.

Hire a water pumping vehicle, hoover up any liquid in roadside ditches complete with slime and mosquito larvae and sell it. On a hot day an iced anything goes down well? Well not anything. An ice cold douche when you are taken unawares at my age is heart attack inducing. Shares in Bangkok Pattaya Cardiology Department are also a good buy.

Where do all the people come from? I am talking in particular about the lady boys. They cannot be breeding, but every other person in the parade seems to be of the middle persuasion, dancing, singing and shaking their recently acquired booty. They are obviously the best dancers, the most flamboyant of the participants. They have the loudest music, the smallest amount of clothing and the widest smiles.

Now where did I put that plane ticket?

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Kris & Noi’s

the Thais do not suffer from the age gap angst of the western world. An invite to an evening at the cinema could be a good, safe starter, or going for a meal. Chat with her about restaurants she likes, and then offer to take her to her favourite.

Private

Wife-Hunter

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Honey-Trapped

On holiday a few months ago, I barfined a girl, we hit it off and she stayed with me all the holiday. She was so fantastic that I decided to send her regular money so that she could stop working in the bar. But when I returned here, I found out that she hadn’t stopped working, and even had a regular expat she was seeing, as well as other customers. But I do not blame the girl; she is just using her looks and charms, and her brains, to earn a living.

Also she had given me my happiest holiday, and the money I sent I could well afford. It was my own fault for mistaking paid sex for romance. But no lasting harm done, I’m having fun with different girls, and will make this a regular visit. Hope that others learn from my mistake.

Larry So you paid a girl to bang your brains out for a few weeks, which she did so well that you sent her money so she could become a virgin again until your return. Unfortu-

nately you discovered that her new virginity was soon lost, and other punters had been digging your potatoes while you were away. This happens quite often in Pattaya, squire, where visiting first-timers fall in love after being hyptonised by a sweet young delilah’s pubic pyrotechnics. However, full marks for taking it so well, unlike the usual expat rants about evil bitches conning virtuous men.

Slow-Moe

I rented a bungalow four months ago, and as the owner’s English was as bad as my Thai, his daughter handled all the business. I see them often, and she always helps me with any queries and problems that come along. She is a nice, cheerful girl, but doesn’t go out much, and says she doesn’t like bars or discos. I’ve seen her sometimes with female friends in a local coffee shop and she always invites me over to join her group.

She isn’t shy with me, and I like her

ladyboy thief caught by hotel staff in south Pattaya

Early one morning a 26-year-old transsexual in a bad wig was apprehended by staff from a hotel in Soi Yensabai in south Pattaya and handed over to local police after allegedly stealing an amount of cash from a 56-year-old German national.

The alleged victim of the theft, a Mr Behyouz Riahy from Germany, said he had been on Walking Street when the ladyboy brazenly came up to him and suggested Mr Riahy might like to engage his services for a session of horizontal mattress dancing in the privacy of a hotel room.

Clearly attracted to men in short dresses and bad wigs, Mr Riahy answered yes and took the ladyboy

back to his rented room, where the couple compared wedding tackle.

Mr Riahy then claimed that when he went to the bathroom his erstwhile companion left their little love nest and legged it into the night, with 3,000 baht of the German’s money.

Mr Riahy hurriedly went downstairs and informed the desk staff.

They immediately launched themselves into the soi and were able to catch the alleged thief and call the police.

At the station an amount of 3,000 baht was indeed located on the ladyboy’s person, but in a place where the sun doesn’t usually shine. After extracting the amount, the police asked Mr Riahy to pose

Pattaya One 07

very much. I want to invite her for a date, without her friends along, but am nervous about asking. Perhaps she would not like to be seen alone with an expat, especially one who is twelve years older than her, and would be offended if I ask her.

I know I sound very naïve, but I’ve never dated a Thai girl in the proper way—it was always bargirl pickups—so I don’t want to lose this nice girl through ignorance of the culture.

Any suggestions as to where to go on a first date if I’m lucky?

Moe Treading warily in such a situation is sensible, but you seem to be almost static. The girl has been friendly, helpful, and even invited you to join her when with her friends, so she obviously likes you. Go ahead and ask; even if she says no she will remain friendly, so you have nothing to lose, plenty to gain. As she has shown you to her friends, she isn’t likely to be bothered about being seen out with a farang, and for the press cameras next to his short-term lover. The ladyboy duly obliged by getting on her knees and placing the bad wig on her lap like an oversized merkin.

The ladyboy is now likely to face a term in prison while Mr Riahy has been advised to improve his selection criteria for bedmates.

Although only 53, I have an early retirement pension that enables me to live here quite comfortably even during these times. I rent a nice apartment, travel to other parts of the country occasionally, and eat out whenever I fancy. I like to have a drink at times, and I sometimes take a lady, but I am not a heavy drinker or constant sex seeker. I am friendly with the locals in my neighbourhood and am fairly good at conversing in Thai. It would be nice to have a permanent companion as I get older. Do you think that any Thai ladies would consider me a good marriage prospect, or do they only want expats with more money?

Curly With that CV, it’s surprising that you haven’t been snapped up already! Many women would be happy with a man who appears to be a steady type with a comfortable lifestyle. Speaking conversational Thai is a considerable help; supermarket food halls, markets, small restaurants, trade fairs—all are good places to start up a conversation. When you meet someone you like, take things slowly, get to know all about her and her background; meet her family. You have a good chance of meeting a nice lady who could become your wife.

Due to public and staff holidays the British Consulate in pattaya will be open in april on the following days: thur 21st April tues 26th April Wed 27th April thur 28th April

A bad wig or an oversized merkin. Neither is a good look

whilst we are closed please visit our website www.ukinthailand.fco.gov.uk for advice about the consular services we can help with. If you require notarial services please contact the Consular section of the British embassy in Bangkok on 02 305 8333. our Bangkok staff will be able to advise you on the best way to submit your documents, based on your circumstances. we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you.

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16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Living Healthy in Pattaya

By Khun Dee

But proper care can help you get rid of it When you started your night out at 9, you rated her a ‘two,’ and by 2 you rated her a ‘nine.’ Why the upgrade?

Was it the booze or the late hour?

More likely (for purposes of this article) it was your failing eyesight.

Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger. And just as our physical strength declines with age, so too does our vision--particularly as we reach our 60s and beyond. Some age-related eye changes occur even earlier. For example, the need for reading glasses develops in many at around age 40 as it becomes more difficult to focus on objects up close.

The condition is called presbyopia.

Not to worry, it doesn’t signify a disease or anything serious. And it’s readily corrected with a pair of 99baht reading glasses (surgery to extend arm length is a less appealing option).

Eye diseases Other age-related vision changes, however, usually are diseases that require medical intervention. The most common of these is cataracts.

The majority of Pattaya’s retired expats have various stages of cataracts which, like presbyopia, is readily corrected--but not for 99 baht. Standard corrective treatment involves surgery. While some money-hungry ophthalmologists might urge you to lie down on the operating table immediately upon being diagnosed with cataracts, there is no need for such urgency. The condition progresses slowly and allows plenty of time--years, in fact--to consider going under the knife.

Eye diseases that are not so benign in older folk include glaucoma, macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy. All of which have greater potential for affecting quality of life as people grow older. Such ailments generally become apparent sometime after age 50 and even more so after age 60 or so. Why the decline?

It has to do with changes that occur to the eye structure as we get older.

The good news is that a healthy lifestyle might help minimize the effects of those changes and even reduce your risk for cataracts,

The eyes have it

glaucoma, and age-related macular degeneration. In essence, avoid bright sunlight, wear a sunhat and dark sunglasses with UV protective lenses, exercise, eat an eye-healthy diet (see sidebar), and don’t smoke.

Test early and often Beyond a healthy diet and lifestyle, periodic eye exams are important for everyone over age 40. How often you should have your eyes checked depends on several factors such as your age, your health and your risk of developing eye problems. In general, healthy people in their 20s and 30s who have no vision problems should see an ophthalmologist every five to 10 years. Between the age of 40 and 65, get an exam every two to four years, and after age 65 about every year or two. If you wear glasses, have a family history of eye disease or have a chronic disease that puts you at greater risk of eye disease, such as diabetes, have your eyes checked more frequently.

For a closer look (no pun intended) at some common eye conditions, let’s begin with presbyopia, which is simply difficulty focusing on objects up close. This is due to hardening of the lens inside your eye, which routinely accompanies aging.

For a time, you can compensate for this change by just holding reading material farther away from your eyes. But eventually you will need reading glasses, multifocal contact lenses or multifocal eyeglasses. Some corrective surgery options for presbyopia also are available, such as LASIK and conductive keratoplasty. But presbyopia becomes more advanced with advancing years. You may notice the need for more frequent changes in eyeglass or contact lens prescrip-

tions. You may also find that a single prescription is no longer the best solution for all your visual needs. As an example, you may need one pair of eyeglasses for normal tasks and another that emphasizes intermediate ranges--for working more comfortably at the computer, for example.

Beyond glasses Cataracts, also considered an agerelated eye disease, is the clouding of the normally clear lens of the eye--as if you were looking through frosted glass. Cataracts typically develop gradually over a period of years. Roughly half of all 65-yearolds have some degree of cataract formation; the percentage is even higher among those in their 70s.

While modern cataract surgery is safe and effective (100 percent of vision lost to cataract formation usually is restored), there is no urgency to undergo surgery immediately upon being diagnosed with the condition. On the other hand, it is better to have cataracts removed before they advance too far.

Cataract surgery involves removing the lens of the eye and replacing it with a plastic lens.

However, some individuals are not bothered too much by their cataracts and are able to manage by changing eyeglass prescriptions and protecting their eyes from too much sunlight; exposure to sun speeds up the growth of cataracts.

Blind sided In contrast, it’s imperative that glaucoma be diagnosed and treated early. The disease causes the loss of peripheral (side) vision due to optic nerve damage usually associ-

Conditions

Common Symptoms and Warning Signs

Macular Degeneration

Glaucoma

Vision loss in center of eye; blurred vision; straight lines look wavy; need for more light; affects one or both eyes

Cataracts

Hazy vision; difficulty driving at night; double vision; trouble distinguishing colors; sensitivity to glare

Diabetic Retinopathy

Blurred or changing vision; difficulty reading; floaters; affects central or peripheral vision

Gradual loss of peripheral, or side, vision; difficulty driving at night; loss of contrast

ated with intense pressure on the eye itself. Your risk of developing glaucoma, a leading cause of blindness, increases with each decade after age 40, from around 1 percent in your 40s to up to 12 percent in your 80s. To prevent total blindness it is important to diagnose glaucoma early through regular exams by an eye doctor.

The damage caused by glaucoma is permanent, but treatments are available to prevent further vision loss. The most common treatment is daily use of eye-drops to lower eye pressure. In some cases, laser and conventional surgery are also options.

Diabetic retinopathy, which is caused by leaking blood vessels, affects about 25 percent of those with advanced diabetes and high blood sugar levels. There are often no symptoms in the early stages of diabetic retinopathy, so it is vital that people with advanced diabetes have regular eye exams.

Maintaining stable blood sugar levels is the best way for a diabetic to prevent diabetic retinopathy.

Once the condition has developed, laser surgery can sometimes prevent further vision loss. Advanced conditions can be treated through microsurgery (called vitrectomy) which removes and replaces eye fluid.

ABCs of AMD Perhaps the most serious and perilous of all eye diseases is age-related macular degeneration (AMD)-the leading cause of irreversible vision loss among the elderly. It begins with the slow loss of central vision and ultimately can lead to the inability to read, drive or recognize familiar faces.

You can help prevent AMD or slow its progression by following general advice for healthy vision, with emphasis on the following: eat dark, leafy green vegetables most days, take vitamins, eat fish, take omega-3 supplements, exercise daily, maintain a healthy weight, eat fruit and nuts every day, reduce intake of refined carbohydrates, control blood pressure and cholesterol, and do not smoke.

While such lifestyle guidelines are appropriate for everyone, they are particularly for older readers and those with existing or potential vision problems. Once again, have your eyes examined by a qualified eye doctor. And if you can’t quit smoking, have your head examined.

Here’s looking at you, Kid.

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

The Funny Things The Girls Say! (Part 1) You could be forgiven for thinking the above title and unnecessary exclamation mark may be the start of a disappointingly unfunny thread, but think again. The contributors did not disappoint in a very amusing topic by that name on Thai Visa, about those cultural and linguistic misunderstandings that litter Thaiforeigner relationships.

It wasn’t taking the mickey out of Thais, just harmlessly offering examples of some very amusing verbal misunderstandings and mistakes.

For instance, BIG SPUDS opener: My girlfriend constantly makes me laugh with the things she says to me on the phone. The other day she had been to and back from Bangkok in one morning and had done a lot of walking around.

When I called her for our daily chat I asked her if she was going out.

She replied (well what sounded like) “ My I don’t work” I kept saying “what do you mean you don’t work”.

I said “I know you don’t work”. “No no” she replied “my I don’t work, cannot go out”. “What?” I replied.

“Your iron?”

“No no......I!” “Cannot see I no work” After laughing for 10 minutes trying to understand what she was saying, I worked it out her eyes were sore and she was tired!!!!!

And BIG SPUDS again: When I ask my girlfriend what she is doing she says: “ I look TV” After several weeks of this I told her it was “watch TV” Ok she said.

Next day I asked what did you do today?

“I watch shops!”

Tatom’s missus showed good commercial savvy with this: Once when we lived in the US, we were watching a show where a salesman was selling used cars on TV from a local dealership. He was jabbering away about the great deal offered on a certain car and said to “ hurry on down because this car won’t last long”. My wife asked me, “why would anyone want to buy that car if it won’t last long?”

Zapa evened things out a bit with this: It’s not only the girls that come out with these corkers. After a long night clubbing a mixed group (thai/ farang) sat down for an early breakfast, after the initial ordering and arrival of various

Fun Town’s most vibrant

ABOVE BAWD

IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop foods and drinks said...”the thing one of the Thai was she had my guys with us anlaundry in her nounced, and I hand and when I quote “There’s came back out it nothing like a big was hanging on cold cock in the the door.” morning.”

Cut to scene of After we all my wife (Thai) picked ourselves choking on her up from the floor, Margarita... we explained to when we revived him what he’d her she said “they just said, and he can’t pronounce announced that their “r”s up from now on he’d here...the maid be drinking was saying “here What you look? You no good. your laundry...”

Pepsi.

More cock,

this time from Tufty: We’d finJayenram had a great one: My ished shopping for clothes (party wife was cleaning one day and that night) when I asked my girl asked the question “where does what she would like to buy for her the Dutch come from?” I said “the friend’s birthday and she said she Dutch come from Holland”. “No”, wanted to buy “some cock” . she said “the DUTCH!” I said, “OK, I told her that her friend could the Netherlands then”. “No” she reprobably get that for free. peated, “the dutch on the furniture?”

What she meant to say was a clock Dutch = dust.

And yet more cock from Axel: Kurgen had one which many Friend of mine discussed with his with Thai partners might seem favorite waitress about the lunar familiar: Last year my friend’s girlyears. Found out he and she where friend wanted a moped so I asked born under the same ‘rooster’. (For her what colour she wanted. She sure different cycles) pointed at her gold bracelet and Next time he walked in and said said “same same but not same”. ‘hello my hen’. Her reply, absolutely After staring blankly at her for a serious, ‘Hello my cock’. few seconds she said I show you.

Also from Axel: Over dinner: She takes me by the hand and leads “The cooker in here no good”. me to where a load of mopeds are Call him “cook”. parked , and eventually she finds “No you wrong, you paint, you are what she is looking for. See I told a painter you same same but not same she you drive, you are a driver, you says pointing at a silver one. Then cook, you are a cooker...” told me I was stupid.

How to fight such logic?

Insightful came a cropper with I liked roamer’s double whammy this attempt at Thai: I just started as well: working out here. Had a note left My wife watching an advert on my desk asking to see a Thai for Siemens mobile phones in the member of staff. Thought I’d be a UK...”Oh I like Siemen” Even the smart arse and practice my limited educated Thais often drop the final Thai with her. Walked up to her “s”... desk and tried to say “did you want and me?” in Thai I thought was “khun In a hotel in Ubon when a beow phom mai?”... She was in hysmused friend came down to the bar terics for five minutes, during to say that the maid had proposiwhich a crowd of more Thai staff tioned him, knocking on the door had gathered around to see what and asking “are you lonely?” to was going on. When she came to which he replied “No I’m ok thanks” her senses, she asked me to repeat and closed the door. We were a it, so I did. Now the entire crowd little surprised, good hotel, stayed was in hysterics. When they all there many times, never expericame too, I asked them for the real enced anything like that. Then he translation of what I just said...”Do

Pattaya One 09 you want to f*ck me?”

Mowlem recounted another awkward use of Inglit: One danger here, is the misused English word. Example: Our secretary speaks virtually no English (I speak passable Thai), and one day I came into her office where she was talking “girl talk” to several of her mates. So she sees me, and says “chop golden mai?” (Do I like a golden?) Long silence from me.

The only thing I can think of is a slightly weird sexual practice.....

Then it clicks. She has a picture of a dog on her desk..........aha! “Do I like golden retrievers!!!!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her.

Chokrai mischievously suggested: Ask your Thai girlfriend/wife if she likes fog.

Penzman replied: The manager warned me that “we are fu##ing at school next Tuesday”. She must have seen my face change, she then explained that there are far too many mosquitos and roaches, so a good fog is needed every now and then... Broken dreams Jayenram weighed in again with a bit of popular culture: My girlfriend was telling me one day that there was a movie on TV that evening that she wanted to watch : “Rah Rah Cough”. I told her that I’d never heard of the movie and said I’d look it up in the UBC magazine.

I eventually realised what she was trying to say when she pointed to ‘Lara Croft, Tomb Raider’.

Flummoxed flummoxed everyone with: One day, my wife’s number 2 son wouldn’t stop crying for hours.

I asked her what the problem was.

She said this with a completely straight face....’Him shit too much, now him ass hurt’. I didn’t stop laughing all night The earth moved for Moving when he had the following earthy, linguistic experience: One night while eating a semi-formal dinner with some very high ranking military officers (US, Thai, Australian and Singaporean) and their wives and girlfriends...My girlfriend, at a lull in the conversation leans over to me and says, “I want to go back to apartment now and F*ck with you.” All at the table heard and husbands and boyfriends are smiling and wives and girlfriends are all looking around and at each other.

I told my girlfriend that it is probably better that she say, “I am tired, we go back to apartment and sleep”. She responds so all can hear, “ Oh no, Phil Ja you not understand what I say. I not tired, I horny. We go back to apartment and F*ck.”

Gotta love em.

He’s right.

All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net

10 Pattaya One

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya Focus on ......

The Problems with Baht Buses In the last edition I suggested the present baht bus system is unprofessionally run, inappropriate for the city as its only mass transport system, and completely unable to cope with the huge influx of tourists and residents into Fun Town over the past couple of years.

Now the Russians are here in numbers -even as we head into low season- what they have (unintentionally) done is completely skewer the transport system, as I explain below.

But first, as an experiment, on a week day, at 6:00pm, I waited for a baht bus to pick me up on Second Road, going to Jomtien. TWENTY FIVE went past me, and the other passengers who were unhappily waiting by the roadside, before one that was not overloaded, or already hired privately, or, worse, totally empty, but greedily looking for a bumper fare from a Russian, would stop.

Try it yourselves and let me know what happens. You may be lucky and get one within seconds.

I hope so.

Given the number of empty baht buses cruising the streets looking for big fares, while many people wait for increasingly longer periods by the side of the road, it is obvious something has to change in the city, although increasing the number of baht buses would not be the answer.

They are disliked by many in Pattaya for good (and bad) reasons.

Baht bus numbers and the ‘baht bus Co-operative” The roads in Fun Town are congested enough with the 700 baht buses now in circulation, without adding to their number, and because they are not a public service but a private enterprise, it is impossible for the City to control their numbers and routes anyway, especially with the baht bus co-operative (incorrectly, of course, usually known as the baht bus mafia) holding such sway over City Hall.

That is probably the real reason why nothing gets done about fixing the transport mess in the city.

Vested interests.

That is also why the ridiculous non-meter taxi meters (and guess who controls them?) have been allowed to make the city a laughing stock, and why the scheduled bus

By Street Stroller

Russians Skewering the market As mentioned above, the increasing number of Russians willing to pay for private hires has quickly put enormous pressure on baht buses.

Many are taken out by such private hires, while many (too many) remain empty, prowling the streets hoping to find a high paying customer. The idea of a 10-baht ride seems to be beneath many drivers nowadays, as they ignore long-suffering passengers waiting for a driver willing to accept the standard rate.

The drivers are getting greedier and lazier, and these problems will only increase as Russian numbers increase.

A Suggestion – A duty to pick up.

Up a blind alley – like Pattaya’s transport policy services were quietly allowed to die. They recently had the gall to moan about Bangkok taxis operating in Pattaya, probably because they switch their meters on.

This would be funny if it wasn’t so serious.

Capricious, moody, violent, drugged, drunk drivers Another often-raised complaint is the behavior or appearance of some of the drivers, who can be violent or aggressive with people. Anyone here for a period of time will have witnessed instances of this.

I recently saw one filthy coward driver square up and go to punch two small Korean girls who were refusing to be ripped off in an extortionate fares dispute. I whipped my camera out and walked towards them to ensure he didn’t hit them.

What kind of impressions do people leave Pattaya with having been faced with this kind of scum?

Not all drivers are bad, of course, but a significant number are, and without proper interpersonal training (or just good manners), they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads.

Dangerous drivers, stopping at will Another justified moan is how appallingly baht bus drivers actually drive their vehicles, often with no

regard to other road users, as they hunt down a fare, stopping anywhere for any length of time as someone slowly walks from half a mile away, never intending to get on the bus in the first place. Traffic congestion on already-clogged roads is the result.

Unreliable Baht buses and their drivers, not being a public service, can work when they like, go where they like, choose who to pick up (or not), and drive their baht buses in any way that makes the drivers happy, with a total disregard for the people who use (or would like to use) them.

There is no accountability, no reliability, no consistency.

Baht buses are less reliable than a fixed, air-conditioned bus service, which they should supplement, not substitute, as they do now.

A Nasty Ride A converted pickup, open to the sun, dust, smog and rain from the outside, and BO, sweat, cigarettes and beer fumes from passengers within, baht buses hardly appear to be the primary transport system of choice for any city, let alone a hot dirty one like Pattaya.

When you add the discomfort of travelling in them, the way they cram in passengers, their shocking suspension on Pattaya’s roads and their frequent, hard braking when going fast, nobody could seriously think they are the only solution to Pattaya’s transport problems, now or in the future.

This being Thailand AND Pattaya, we would never assume a law could be passed, let alone enforced, to force drivers of empty baht buses to pick up passengers at the standard fare rates, if they are travelling on the main routes between, say, certain peak hours of the day. That would solve a lot of the problems, but it could be done if the baht bus collective could only do it through issuing regulations to that effect, and policing it.

But why should they? They are a private business, not a publiclyowned one, and they are accountable to no-one. And that, I’m afraid is very much THE problem.

Not For Thais And finally, it isn’t just foreigners who are unhappy with, and moaning about, the baht bus system. Recently a Thai said to me, with an air of resignation: “baht buses aren’t for Thai people any more. We cannot get on them because of all the foreigners”!

That is a damming indictment of the present system.

No room for a little ‘un

Next Edition: Transport Options for Pattaya

Contact us at pattayafocus@gmail.com

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 11

12 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

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14 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

THE In a recent column, I mentioned the passing of the popular breakfast buffet at Poseidon Restaurant in Jomtien Complex. I’m happy to report the buffet has been resurrected at Casa Pascal (same management and same 165 baht)) on Second Road (same soi as Reun Thai Restaurant, opposite the Marriott Hotel). The breakfast and lunch buffet, as of 15 March, is being served from 8 am to 2 pm and has all of the items offered at the previous location. There’s a large variety of cold salads, smoked fish, cold meats and many hot offerings, such as several kinds of potatoes, lasagna and steamed vegetables.

There’s a station outside where you can have your eggs and omelets made to order, as well as pancakes, waffles, bacon and pork steaks, to name a few. There’s a variety of fresh breads and croissants, fresh fruits and sumptuous desserts.

Still hungry? Casa Pascal has introduced a new cake, sandwich and coffee buffet from 2 pm to 5 pm at 135 baht. This buffet features small sandwiches such as smoked salmon with capers; tuna; various cold cuts and BLT (OK, bacon, lettuce and tomato for non-Americans.)

Various cakes and pastries are on offer; including peach crumble and apple crumble, as well as, ‘Kalua’ coffee cream cake (not bad at all).

Of course, as you’d expect, unlimited coffee is included. You can also have eggs made to order.

Pattaya One 15

Fun Town’s most vibrant

FRUGAL GOURMAND

Cafe Ritz roast Australian beef and chicken

BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER

For more information: their web site is www.casapascal.restaurantin-pattaya.com. Or phone 038 723 660. According to management, these buffets will be offered seven days a week.

Putting on the Ritz: I recently had dinner at Café Ritz, in Jomtien Complex (middle soi); and it was quite delicious. The bistro, which opens from 6:00pm daily, has out-

door and indoor seating; and a very attractive dining room with beautiful art on the walls. While you’re perusing the menu, you’re given fresh bread with butter; something often omitted here in the Land of Smiles.

The café offers several set menus, as well as extensive a la carte offerings. On the night I visited, they were featuring Australian roast beef at 355 baht. The set, threecourse meal included appetizer (I

had the prawn cocktail, which was ample and succulent), main course, which had a generous portion of grilled vegetables, including peas, carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, as well as creamy, mashed potatoes, and choice of dessert. I chose the apple and blueberry crumble topped with vanilla ice cream. The crumble was soft, moist, appropriately crumbly and sinfully delectable. The main course was more than generous. The beef was fork tender, juicy and flavorful. It really didn’t need the accompanying sauce. They allow you to mix and match and my friend ordered half Australian beef and roast chicken.

He was very happy with his choice.

I had a small carafe of red wine bringing my total bill to 505 baht; a bargain considering the high quality and quantity of food included.

They also offered five kinds of sole for the same price. A three-course dinner featuring pepper steak, Steak Layonaise (sic) or grilled lamb cutlet was 395 baht. By the way, although mango ice cream was the featured dessert, you were free to choose any dessert from the extensive menu.

If you prefer to order a la carte, there are lots of choices, including pork, lamb, chicken, beef and fish.

All mains come with potatoes and a large serving of fresh vegetables.

I definitely recommend a visit to Café Ritz. (Phone: 08-7912-9108)

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive

To show it’s not all fun, neon, glitz and glamour on Walking Street [Sorry, Ed?], our photographer recently spotted this exhausted two-guitar hero taking a break from serenading the late-night masses with his unique skill of playing two guitars at the same time [Pattaya’s version of Bruce Springsteen perhaps? Ed]. Or at least that’s what our man thought he saw, but he was seeing two of everything by that stage of the evening, so who knows.

Beach Junk No Longer

I hope the Immigration Police don’t see me

When some in the city outrageously suggested that these wonderful hot, metal, custom-built, state-of-the-art tin can lifeguard towers were nothing more than wasteful, expensive junk and a waste of good beach space, we were appalled.

Now their true use has been revealed to us - as a vantage point for residents and holidaymakers to climb up and admire the views of nubile Russians on the sand, or the jet ski scams, or whatever else floats your boat at the beach.

At least we HOPE this is what they are for, and this gentleman has not mistakenly taken on lifeguarding duties as a kindly act of civic responsibility.

16 Pattaya One

By James Barnes

16 - 30 april 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya: one rainbow Where there’s a will...

Same sex marriages are all the rage. The Americans have their collective knickers in a twist about it. Some States allow it but deliver no federal legitimacy. Others don’t allow it at all- it’s not Christian! All are arguing about it. In Western Europe, it has become so fashionable that gay businesses are springing up all over the place, offering catering, flowers, limousines, photographers et al to make that ‘special’ day even more special.

However, if you will forgive the phrase, let’s get one thing straight: these unions are not marriage. They are civil partnerships that, quite rightly, provide equality under the law, which is more than welcome when it comes to sticky problems such as inheritance, property rights

and even hospital visits. They make the couples each other’s next of kin.

They have no connection with any deity. Thank God! The confusion reigning inside any gay man’s head if he wants to ape the heterosexual model must be more discombobulating than The Book of Revelations.

If you are wondering what all this has to do with the gay community here in Pattaya, read on.

Having a drink with an old chum in Cafe Royale recently, and remarking on his absence of late, he explained that he had been away to Khon Kaen with his boyfriend to get ‘married’. He went on to describe a festival of joyous activities lasting several days. There had been a feast of eating and drinking that would have tested Dionysus’ stamina. It

was, apparently, no challenge to the extended Thai family of ‘wedding’ guests. A host of Buddhist monks were organised to chant for hours, sealing the union with great dollops of “Chok dee”. My friend was proudly sporting a mass of white cotton bracelets that they had tied to his wrist. They were handsomely rewarded and a most generous ‘sin sod’ (dowry) was paid to the young Thai guy’s proud parents. Everyone was more than happy.

The problem is that it was not a wedding. Did this beaming newlywed farang realise it? Yours truly was certainly not going to rain on his parade, not before the rainy season, anyway. There was no paperwork (apart from the cash) and no Thai authority will recognise the

Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com

HEAD STRONG JR. B BOY

exciting changes are coming to the Copa Hotel. Guests at the hotel will receive a ten percent discount on drinks at the show bar and ten percent off at the Copa Body Club. For those who want to experience the beach without actually going to the beach (How lazy can you get?), guests will now be able to use the swim tank for free; during daytime hours. The stage will be covered with sand and vendors will be on hand to sell tacky souvenirs and fake watches. It wasn’t mentioned if they would be selling gay porn, as well, but somehow I doubt it. However, handsome masseurs will be available. The question is: Do people really want to sit on the sand and watch fat, old foreigners swimming around the aquarium in thongs and bikinis?

Ganymede, in Jomtien Complex, was the venue for the TAKE CARE!! charity fundraiser on Saturday, 9 April. There was an underwear fashion show and auction. Highest bidders got to take home slightly used bikinis donated by the Sexy Body underwear shop, located on the ground floor of Tuk.Com. The underwear show was slightly long and the group promised a ‘briefer’ version in the future. Other festivities included the fabulous B Boys

James Barnes is editor-in-chief of oUT in Thailand magazine www.out-in-thailand.com Bar in Boyz Town (Pattayaland Soi 3) is staging a celebration of ‘all things English and British’ on Saturday, 23 April at their St. George’s Night Party. They’re promising pomp and circumstance and a sing-along. They’ve announced that the ‘Old Queen’ will be there; but I think I have other plans that night. Complimentary cocktails will be offered until 10 pm. Not to be outdone, le Café royale, also in Boyz Town, will hold an all day Royal Wedding Spectacular, with a special VIP package for 750 baht, starting at 2 pm on Friday, 29 April. Check their web site, www.caferoyale-pattaya. com for details.

GAYMARCH at the Copa: Big plans for the Copa, in Boyz Town (Pattayaland Soi 3). All you perverts and fetishists should mark your calendars for Friday, 22 April for Fetish Friday.

The Copa promises a ‘wet show’ (water sports?) at 10:30 pm and a ‘spanking good cabaret show’ starting at 11 pm. It sounds interesting.

Maybe, this will become a regular Friday event? They don’t say if you should bring your own whips. (The 22nd is also Boy Bingo Night at happy Boys on Pattayaland 2 at 9:30. Maybe you can win a boy at Happy Boys and bring him to the fetish show at the Copa.) other

couple as being married or confer any legal status to their bonds of undoubted affection. Had he made a will? In Thai and in English? It is not unknown for relatives of the deceased to excommunicate a surviving gay partner, especially when he is Thai and they have never met him. The result is that the estate escapes him. Getting everything properly documented by a competent lawyer is the only way to ensure the rights enjoyed by straight married couples. And for when you are gone? That will is the only way.

Hope you’re staying dry (or not) this Songkran season. As of press time, I still haven’t decided whether to hole up in my house or get out of Dodge.

ALL STUCK UP dancers and three lucky draws with prizes donated by local bars, restaurants and other venues. The event was attended by over 100 people and raised over 60,000 baht for the group, which distributes ‘safer sex packs’ throughout Boyz Town/Pattayaland, Sunee Plaza and Jomtien. The generous management at Ganymede donated the entire 150 baht admission to TAKE CARE!!; which included a delicious buffet, prepared by Sam’s Mexican restaurant, and first drink.

Calling all anglophiles: oscar’s

COLLECTING OUR STICKERS

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

THAI Lite The Karaoke Codger

By S. Tsow

I used to think that karaoke was the worst atrocity the Japanese have inflicted upon humankind since the Rape of Nanking. But that was in my feckless and misspent youth.

Since then, the sun has risen, I have been to the mountaintop, I’ve been born again, I have seen the light, I stand redeemed and sanctified, dazzled by the brilliance of a new dawn. I now know with the certainty born of complete enlightenment that karaoke is the greatest gift the Japanese have bestowed upon humanity since the invention of the sushi bar.

What transcendent catharsis wrought this transformation? Ah, dear reader, let me share with you a wondrous truth. Whether you regard karaoke as a curse or a blessing depends entirely on who is doing the singing.

Yes! Most people who sing karaoke are boorish clods, oafish drunks clowning at the microphone, caterwauling off key in a remorseless display of ongoing cacophony.

Utterly talentless, yet wrapped in delusions of musical genius, they have no idea of the pathetic spectacle they are making of themselves.

But when you yourself are singing, dear reader, the situation changes dramatically. Then the singer becomes a dashing, world-class superstar, radiating charisma,

pulsating with talent, and warbling like Pavarotti. The audience, which formerly consisted of uncouth, drunken rabble, hooting and jeering at the singer’s incompetence, now becomes transformed into screaming legions of fervid fans.

Agents of major music corporations will besiege the stage waving multimillion-baht contracts; hordes of gorgeous groupies will hurl themselves at the stage in a frenzy of lust.

Formerly the cruel audience hurled empty bottles and plates of somtam at the hapless performer; now they sit tamed, enthralled, rapt in wonder, as angels bend from heaven to savor the golden sounds.

Yes, dear reader, this insight has transformed me, as indeed it will transform you, if you will only deign to pick up the microphone.

In my case, the transformation has been facilitated by the discovery that karaoke machines in Bangkok are not limited to the degenerate hip-hop and rap music that afflict the contemporary music scene, dominated as it is by lobotomized youth. Some machines are programmed to play immortal classics of yesteryear like “Tell Laura I Love Her,” “Sh-boom Sh-boom,” “Tuttifrutti,” and “Be-bop-a-lula.” Despite all appearances, quality music still lives in Thailand.

This discovery has caused me to

morph from a karaokephobe into a karaokephile. In fact, you can now call me the Karaoke Kid. No, wait a minute, there is the delicate issue of age, which in my case is old. So let me curb my ardor and sacrifice the lamb of fantasy on the altar of accuracy. You can call me the Karaoke Codger.

Karaoke is OK, as signified by its name, which when translated from the Japanese means “Kara is OK.” Don’t ask me what “kara” means— I don’t speak Japanese. I know the Japanese misspell “OK” as “oke,” but hey, it’s not their fault. English is not their native language. You try writing “OK” in hirakana or harakiri or whatever it is they write in and see how far you get.

But alas! Every sunbeam has its shadow, every mango has its maggot, every plate of somtam has its little black crabs, and there is one exception I must make in my glowing endorsement of this celestial art form.

Throughout history, an incalculable number of songs have been written. Out of all this entire stupendous repertoire, no matter who the singer is, there is one song that must never, under any circumstances, be sung by anybody. That is the abominable “My Way.” Yes! This boastful, preening, pretentious ditty has been warbled by generations of boozed-up, fat-

Pattaya One 17 cat CEOs who made billions by downsizing their corporations, destroying the lives of thousands of employees, and casting them and their families into the gutters to beg. When King Herod completed the Slaughter of the Innocents and the last Jewish infant had been impaled upon the last Roman sword, I bet he celebrated by crooning, “I did it myyyyyyy way!” When Christian martyrs were being fed to the lions and Rome was burning, it is a known fact of history that the emperor Nero was playing his lyre and boasting, “I did it myyyyy way!”

When Genghis Khan completed his conquests and mountains of corpses covered the earth from Seville to Shanghai, he raised his cup of fermented mare’s milk and bellowed, “I did it myyyyy way!”

And he did it in Mongolian.

Any time a karaoke singer gets up and starts crooning “My Way,” the audience will be fully justified if it rises en masse, rips out the microphone, kicks the bejesus out of the amplifier, pulls the singer down from the stage, and tears him asunder like a pack of rabid hyenas.

Aside from that one little problem, karaoke really is OK. S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when he’s singing “My Way.”

Where to find Pattaya One BEST supermarket, North Pattaya BIG C supermarkets, North and South Pattaya CARREFOUR supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODLAND supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODMART supermarket, Thappraya Road, Jomtien TOPS supermarket, Central Pattaya Road In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Road, Jomtien TESCO-LOTUS CONVENIENCE STORE, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION, North Pattaya Road PATTAYA FLOATING MARKET, Sukhumvit Road, Jomtien ASIA BOOKS/BOOKAZINE, (five locations: Carrefour, Royal Garden Plaza, Jomtien, Big C North Pattaya and Central Festival Center) SE-ED Bookshops (17 locations, including: Carrefour, Tukcom, and Tesco-Lotus) ASIA BOOKS, Suvarnabhumi International airport (seven outlets) Free on-line at: www.pattayaone.net (as a free download in PDF format) To make sure you NEVER MISS a single issue, subscribe to Pattaya One online at the above website address. It’s FREE: just supply your name and an email address and we will send you each new issue as it’s published.

FREE (previous issue) with any NICK the PIZZA HOME DELIVERY order

18 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 19

20 Pattaya One

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

4 April 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 07 Mar 14 Mar 21 Mar 28 Mar 04 Apr 25 Apr 02 May 09 May 16 May Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points

1 CHEERS 2 PALMERS 3 BOWLING GREEN 4 OFFSHORE BAR 5 RISING SUN 6 THE LONDONER 7 NERVOUS WRECK 8 NOM'S BAR 9 W. TANKIE

79 8 76 7 85 12 86 10 82 90 12 81 12 84 10 74 4 78 72 3 81 12 78 8 90 12 78 80 10 67 5 76 6 82 7 78 76 6 77 8 76 6 84 8 64 76 6 69 6 60 2 70 3 84 77 7 67 5 65 4 66 2 80 74 4 62 3 78 8 78 6 76 69 2 58 2 63 3 78 6 74

Percentage correct by round this Geog. week.

77.8%

408 407 399 383 377 359 355 368 342

10 7 7 7 2 12 8 4 3

History Movies Science Reading General

Sport

All

82.5% 69.8% 68.3% 81.0% 77.8% 81.9% 77.1%

47 45 42 35 30 29 26 25 16

Average Team Total: 77.1

R3Q6: Q: The world's first public railway was opened in which country? A: England/UK. Bowling Green appealed for Wales; specifically the Swansea and Mumbles Railway. According to Wikipedia this was opened in 1806 and had it's first paying passenger in 1807. The Stockton and Darlington Railway did not open until 1825. However, the SwanseaMumbles line was a horse-drawn railway, whereas the Stockton-Darlington line used steam locomotives. I will accept both answers. Two points to Bowling Green.

R6Q3: Q: Which US based magazine was the world's best seller until the 1980s? A: Reader's Digest. Nervous Wreck appealed for Playboy. From Wikipedia: Although Reader's Digest was founded in the U.S., its international editions have made it the best-selling monthly magazine in the world. Appeal denied.

Next week's matches (2nd May 2011): Bowling Green vs. Offshore, Londoner vs. Cheers, Nom's vs. Palmers, W. Tankie vs. Rising Sun, Nervous Wreck.

WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

Results for 6th April 2011 3 1 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 3 1

Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com

3 3 3 2 2 1 1 3 3 1 1

3 3 1 3 1 3 3 1 3 1 1

1 3 1 2 3 1 1 3 2 3 3

104 100 92 76 ?

W

HOME Bowling Green Cheers Offshore Rising Sun Shagwell Mansion The Bunker

38 35 33 33 30 30 29 28 28 20 18 AWAY Palmers The Londoner Nervous Wreck W. Tankie Queen Victoria Bye

67 90 92 80 85 L

R2Q2 Q: Mount Everest is located on the border between which two countries? A: Nepal and Tibet. Several teams appealed for Nepal and China. Of course, Tibet is not a country in its own right: The Tibet Autonomous Region (TAR), Tibet for short, is a province-level autonomous region of the People's Republic of China created in 1965 (Wikipedia). China is correct, two points to all teams who put China.

Although I received the results sheet for Queen Victoria, I do not appear to have received the one for Shagwell.

So I will have to mark it as a win for Queen Victoria. If someone from Shagwell can retrieve their sheet, or let me know their score, I will correct the results next time. Thanks, Ian.

Next week's matches April 27th 2011: Bowling Green vs. Rising Sun, Bunker vs. Queen Victoria, Cheers vs. Palmers, Nervous Wreck vs. Londoner, Shagwell vs. W. Tankie, Offshore bye.

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For Rent (by owner). Jomtien 124 sq m. luxury condo, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, big kitchen and living room, 200 metres from the beach.

Available for rent at 32,000 baht per month (by owner). Call Steve 087 6077779. Email: no.ok.yes@gmail.com

sudoku answers

28 25 25 23 21 24 21 20 19 12 12

Pattaya

1 SHAGWELL MANSION 2 BOWLING GREEN 3 PALMERS 4 OFFSHORE 5 CHEERS 6 RISING SUN 7 THE LONDONER 8 W. TANKIE 9 NERVOUS WRECK 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER

One

B/F 16 Mar 23 Mar 30 Mar 06 Apr 20 Apr 27 Apr 04 May 11 May 18 May Total

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 21

April Fool When I received the e-mail and read the heading it was a matter of, “Here we go again,” as I mentally mused as to what cunning plan the Thais have come up with now to ruffle the feathers of foreigners.

“Law prohibiting marriage to foreigners over the age of 50 proposed to Thai Cabinet.”

Momentary disbelief caused me to read the rest of the article which was well written and contained references to the popular website thaivisa.com and a link to a website showing the existing marriage laws in Cambodia. I was already under the impression that both Cambodia and Laos have stricter laws regarding marriages of foreigners to nationals.

But the date was 1st April, so I became very skeptical of the article’s authenticity. I forwarded it to two friends to get their opinions. Was it genuine or was it an April Fool’s joke? They didn’t know either.

I re-read the article carefully.

Supposedly, the Thai “Ministry of Interior are bringing a new proposal before the Cabinet prohibiting foreigners over the age of 50 from marrying Thai nationals.” Then, in the wording of the article were subtle clues that all was not as it seemed.

For instance, a spokesperson for

the Ministry of Interior referred to foreign men over the age of 50 by saying, “In many cases they are old enough to be their father. I am concerned that these people are attempting to circumvent the rules by marrying innocent Thai women.” Note the use of the word “innocent”.

Personally, I don’t believe even the most nationalistic, xenophobic Thai male would use that term in this context. My guess was it was written by a foreigner for dramatic effect.

The next clue was the date of the new law coming into effect. Supposedly sent to Cabinet on 1st April and written into law on 1st May? Not likely. No government or parliamentary system in the world works that fast.

Finally the article stated, “The new law is in line with similar laws in Cambodia and Laos as part of the upcoming ASEAN integration in 2015.” No, no, no. Whatever the laws in Cambodia and Laos,

the chance of Thailand changing its laws to conform to those countries is remote. In case you don’t know, Thais don’t like Cambodians and they consider Laos a poor cousin.

Over the last few months bombs have been flying backwards and forwards across one section of the Thai border with Cambodia. Even if they are fellow members of ASEAN, it would be a big loss of face for Thailand to ever take the legislative or political lead from Cambodia.

By the way, Cambodia’s Marriage Laws do not currently spell out any restrictions on the marriage of foreigners to nationals. Earlier this year, the Foreign Ministry sent a diplomatic note to foreign embassies placing financial and age restrictions on foreign men marrying Cambodian women. According to the note, only men making more than $2,550 a month and younger than 50 years old will be allowed to marry Cambodian women. However, it is debatable whether the Foreign Ministry can amend the law through a diplomatic note.

Strangely enough, perhaps age restrictions have already been covered by existing laws which state, in part, that marriage is prohibited to “a person whose penis is impotent” or to “a person who is insane, and a person who has mental defect.”

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Laos Marriage Laws do not currently have any specific financial or age restrictions on the marriage of foreign men to Laotian women.

The only obstacle is they must first obtain permission to marry from the government which involves a lot of paperwork and could take anywhere from a month to a year.

Foreigners face severe penalties (heavy fines and/or imprisonment) if caught ‘being intimate’ with a Laotian woman outside of wedlock, but generally the laws pertaining to marriage apply equally regardless of the foreigner’s age.

Back to Thailand, there are some expats who believe there is a secret government building in Bangkok housing people whose only job is to dream up cunning laws and regulations to screw with foreigners. I, of course, don’t believe it and would never spread such malicious slander. Therefore, I concluded the thaivisa article contained in the e-mail was a hoax. As it turned out, it was an elaborate April Fool’s joke. The author receives top marks for stirring the expat pot but the fact remains that old foreign geezers are still free to marry in this country. But the article did beg questions about the implications such a law would have. Regardless of the reasons given, if such a marriage law was introduced, who would it benefit and who would it disadvantage?

In my opinion the law would benefit no-one, apart from perhaps saving a few bedazzled old men from making a big mistake. It would disadvantage the Thai spouse due to the fact that a Thai marriage registered with the foreigner’s embassy has legal implications regarding her inheritance rights. Let’s face it, we are talking about guys over the age of fifty here and it would take a brave gambler to bet he would outlive his (presumably) younger bride. Upon his demise, the marriage document means she could make a rightful claim to his assets. Without it, his remaining assets including bank accounts and investments could be frozen – for years – while the embassy locates and makes arrangements through his next of kin.

I am over 50, have been married once and am now divorced. I can see no point in ever remarrying so a law prohibiting me from doing so would not cause me one nanosecond of grief. My thoughts on the institution of marriage are no secret; I tend to agree with the Marquis de Sade (1740–1814) who wrote, “The horror of wedlock, the most appalling, the most loathsome of all the bonds humankind has devised for its own discomfort and degradation.” And he should know about pain and suffering.

22 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

OUr MAN IN

By duncan Stearn

PAttAYA

Pattaya Songkran: party time for some; to the bunkers for others Mention the word ‘Songkran’ to expats and regular visitors to Pattaya and the reactions of many indicate this is most definitely not their favourite time of the year. Normally mild-mannered, polite, reserved foreign residents are liable to start frothing at the mouth and exhibiting all the traits generally associated with serial killers, rogue politicians and used car salesmen, at the mere mention of Songkran.

For many, Pattaya during the five or six days of celebrating Songkran becomes akin to a giant mental asylum, with the lunatics well and truly in charge. This is why so many expats make a point of fleeing Fun Town, either going upcountry where Songkran is celebrated in a far more traditional manner, or leaving Thailand altogether until the whole festival has come and gone for another year.

Popular destinations might be the Osama Bin Laden Getaway and Hideaway Resort (a series of caves in the hinterland of Afghanistan) or the Robert Mugabe Continuous Polling Booth in Zimbabwe, where visitors can spend 24 hours a day casting dodgy votes for the ruling party.

Traditionally, people are supposed to respectfully ask if they can dab some water on the forehead of another, not throw the contents of an entire bucket over them. In Pattaya, around Sois 7 and 8 it’s likely you’ll spend days and nights being soaked through to the skin and covered from head to foot in a glue-like white powder. People so covered look as though they’ve just gone through some arcane initiation ceremony. After a while, the average expat starts to exhibit signs of having over-indulged on hallucinogenic drugs.

Parts of Pattaya resemble a combat zone, becoming like a scene from the movie Waterworld.

It’s not just the local Thais who get carried away. There are many foreigners, both locals, regular visitors and occasional tourists, who get caught up in the occasion and take to the streets with an almost religious fervour, heavily armed with water cannons, and stalking anybody and everybody, but particularly those who appear to be

unarmed and unable to offer much resistance. If Charles Darwin were alive today, he could come to Pattaya during Songkran and be able to see his theory of survival of the fittest in all its egregious glory.

Sigmund Freud would probably put it all down to neuroses caused by serial bed wetting as children.

Some expats adopt a siege mentality. They re-victual their abodes with sufficient provisions to survive without having to leave the confines of their four walls, entertaining themselves by listening to music, watching television and videos or reading. If they are compelled to venture out into the real world, they tend to do it under the cover of darkness or in the very early hours of the morning when even the soi dogs are sleeping.

There are other foreign expats who love Songkran. Imagine, the opportunity to go around, armed to the back teeth with all kinds of amazing weaponry, even though the ‘ammunition’ is just water and powder, and blast away at anything and everything that moves with impunity.

For the Thais, Songkran offers an acceptable way of letting off all the frustrations, the trials and tribulations of the past year in an exhilarating and exuberant explosion of insanity. Laughter is the order of the day; there is no point losing your cool, because you’ll more than likely attract even more attention, as well as more water and powder.

While most of the nation celebrates Songkran for one day, Pattaya goes in for an orgiastic excess, lasting for a week or more before culminating in a last blast of insanity and mayhem on April 19. Even my son, just a couple of months shy of his third birthday, joined in the fun, armed with a 12-baht water pistol. Given the way he wielded the weapon I can see a future glittering career for him in the army; although as a Pattaya resident he will probably be a gangster.

Every year the authorities claim they will restrict the madness in Pattaya to around three days instead of the usual six or seven. Not in this lifetime.

16 - 30 april 2011 Issue 14

16 - 30 april 2011 Issue 14 three decades on: On Sunday 1 May, Terry, the owner of the Shamrock beer boozer and food hall down on Pattayaland Soi 2 (13/4), will be holding a party to celebrate 30 years in Thailand. A roast pig dinner will be served up and the whole gig gets under way at about 7:00pm.

Considering the ups and downs of the tourism industry as it relates to the bar businesses run by foreigners and catering to a foreign, predominantly English-speaking clientele, surviving for 30 years in the country is a pretty good effort.

Over the years Terry has built up a solid expat customer base and his bar is rarely without a couple of people propping up a barstool.

While the menu is hardly haute cuisine, the available dishes are usually filling and good value.

There’s an all-day breakfast consisting of two eggs, two small slices of bacon, two pieces of toast, baked beans and fried potatoes as well as a small glass of orange juice and a coffee or tea for just 95 baht.

Terrific value, and filling as well. more than a jumping bean: Congratulations to the owners of the tequila reef Cantina Mexican noshery and margaritaville (Soi 7) who celebrated 11 years in business with a party on 26 March. To stay afloat in Fun Town for 11 years you’ve got to be doing something right. A couple of Aussie visitors decided to try the place out on a lazy afternoon based on a review in this newspaper by the ‘Frugal Gourmand’. They invited me along and none of us were disappointed: the food was plentiful and top notch. live and uninterrupted: Even among non-Antipodeans the Australia Network channel is quite popular. I’m often surprised by the number of people who tell me they enjoy watching the Australian winter sports of aerial ping-pong (officially called Australian Rules Football) and rugby league. Sadly, the Australia Network management are not interested in catering to the multitude of Australian expats living in a variety of countries around the world. They have decided these expat Aussies are not their target audience. Instead, Australia Network wants to promote programs about special-needs macramé in outback Queensland and opera in the zoo in Sydney to subsistence farmers in Wajiristan, so the National Rugby League (NRL) 2011 season has been shelved.

To fill this gap in the sporting agenda the management of the Boxing Roo beer and sporting boozer (Third Road, opposite Soi Lengkee) has subscribed to the NRL and will be showing all matches live on their new big-screen TVs. There is a schedule for the games listed out the front of the Boxing Roo. taking out the attitude: Almost

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

N ghtmarch By duncan Stearn

two months ago some major changes took place within the Windmill Club go-go (Soi Diamond). They were probably not all that noticeable to many punters, but the changes have had an impact on the way the den has been run.

David, the original owner, had gone back to live in England but has since returned to take full control of the den. He claims that during his absence a new culture of indifference by many of the dancing damsels and bill padding by some of the staff had been allowed to go unchecked. Naturally, this had an impact on the overall customer experience and business had suffered in consequence. David is now back in the saddle and slowly but surely trying to resurrect the ‘pussy without attitude’ structure back into the bar. On my most recent visit the bar was busy enough, although nothing like its heyday when a seat was almost impossible to find. There are plenty of dancers and the Jacuzzi area was, as in the past, filled with ogling punters keen to experience the cultural ablution shows.

Slowly dying: There are three long-established go-gos on Soi Post office (13/2), namely hot and Cold, Club Nevada and Far east rock, and a single den, las Vegas, in Soi Yamato (13/1).

During the recent cold weather, when the sirens on Beach Road were dressed as if Fun Town was in the throes of a Canadian blizzard, I dropped in during the early evening on three of the four; it wasn’t an uplifting experience.

First off I tried Hot and Cold.

One dancer -well OK, she was of a size that a person who’d had a few too many fomented libations and wasn’t seeing too well might think was a double- and maybe three others constituted the entire lineup. And no customers.

Then I walked around the corner into Soi Yamato and Las Vegas. At least there were three chrome pole molesters and another four or so milling about. With three or four customers at least the place had some life.

Then it was back into Soi Post office, and Club Nevada. To be fair, this is an afternoon den and so it was no real shock to find I was the only customer. There were eight dancers and nothing was left to the imagination. In a couple of cases it might have been better to let the imagination be given its chance.

email: duncan@pattayaone.net

Lolly water is 75 baht while lady drinks are reasonable at 100 baht.

For those who find all the walking around a little debilitating, there is an in-house lying in facility for 300 baht while a willing damsel to help provide emotional relief will set a punter back a grey note. one wonders just how much longer many of these places have left as the crowds that are here concentrate around Walking Street and, increasingly, the Soi Buakhow area. too few gems: The Sapphire Club go-go (Soi 15, off Walking Street) has a strong Internet presence and offers a number of different promotions throughout the week, but a recent visit on a quiet Monday night left me underwhelmed. There was nothing overly wrong about the place, but equally nothing to bring me back in a hurry. The music was OK, not too loud or especially riveting, the drinks prices weren’t ridiculous and although the central stage sported only four dancers, at least they smiled. All told it looked like there was 10 to 12 wallet emptiers in various stages of limited attire scattered about the den, a few looked presentable enough, although there were no ‘stars’. There was only one other customer in the joint and therefore it lacked ambience, so to be fair Sapphire Club will require another visit to gauge what it’s really like. ringing the changes: These days hardly a month goes by without a slew of openings, closings, re-openings, and name changes within the go-go bar collective. In the first week of April, the benighted First go-go bar in Soi 8 closed its doors once more. It had been reopened as a go-go last November, but proved incapable of stirring

anyone’s imagination.

Soi LK Metro continues to grow as a major alternative to Walking Street with the April opening of the Submarine go-go, situated next door to the kiss go-go. This opening means that there are now five ogling dens on Soi LK Metro and, with the popular Club oasis just a happy hour stagger away in Soi Buakhow, the area is easily a place one can get lost in for a night or two.

The Sexy go-go in Soi 7 was recently closed for much needed renovations and re-opened at the start of April. As at the time of writing I have not been able to get down and check it out, but anything would have been an improvement, even a pile of builder’s waste masquerading as a stage, compared to the way it was.

In Soi 6, the former Wanthana dance Club go-go reopened in April with a new name: omG. Hopefully this acronym does not translate as Overtly Menopausal Girls.

On a slightly different note, the Betty Boum beer boozer and former go-goin Pattayaland Soi 1 (under the aforementioned name as well as Spicy Girls and Papillon in past incarnations) is closed and up for rent or sale.

Piece of Pith: ‘I am happy now that Charles calls in my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.’ (from the diary of Lady Hillingdon, 1912, as quoted in a 1995-published book You Don’t Say. Apparently, this is the first recorded instance of what later became the saying, ‘lie back and think of England’.)

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24 Pattaya One

16 - 30 April 2011 Issue 14

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Travel Thailand & beyond ANZAC Day in Kanchanaburi

By Duncan Stearn Most countries have one or two especially significant days celebrated by their citizens in a given calendar year, and for Australians and New Zealanders one of these is on 25 April.

Known as ANZAC Day it commemorates a defeat. I think this might be some kind of British hangover: the glorious but ultimately futile attempt against overwhelming odds. On 25 April 1915 troops from France, Britain and two of her former colonies, Australia and New Zealand, came ashore on the Gallipoli peninsula with the aim of driving towards Constantinople (now Istanbul) and knocking the Ottoman Empire out of the First World War. The campaign ended in defeat but since it was the first major battle for the fledgling federated nation of Australia, it has become almost a surrogate national day. The Australian New Zealand Army Corps, or ANZAC’s as they became known, are now legends. Each year on the anniversary of the landing, services are held at locations all over Australia and New Zealand as well as significant services taking place at Gallipoli itself, Villers-Bretonneux in France (the scene of a victory), and Hellfire Pass and the Kanchanaburi War Cemetery in Kanchanaburi in Thailand.

A dawn service, commencing at 5:30am, takes place at Hellfire Pass, about 80 kilometres north of Kanchanaburi, in an area known as

Mementoes left at the grave of a 42-year-old for ANZAC day

Konyu Cutting the Konyu Cutting. This was one of the deadliest parts of the BurmaSiam railway (colloquially called the Death railway) that was being constructed by the Japanese during the Second World War using forced labour, including prisoners of war.

According to a brass plate at the entrance to the long walk into Hellfire Pass, the Konyu Cutting claimed 73,436 lives out of the 276,700 people employed to work on the construction. The figures show 6,540 of 30,000 British troops perished, as did 2,830 of 18,000 Dutch, 2,710 of 13,000 Australians, and 356 of the approximately 700 Americans. We tend to forget there were Americans in this theatre.

Even 1,000 of the 15,000 Japanese guards lost their lives, although it’s doubtful if too many tears were shed by the prisoners at their demise.

One group of people almost constantly forgotten in the figures are the impressed Asian labourers, 60,000 of the 200,000 who worked in the Konyu cutting died.

Descending into the cutting in the darkness, people are handed a small plastic cup with a lit candle to help guide their way. Amidst the crickets and the birdsong a mist rises in what is now a pristine setting. The dawn service attracts around 400-500 people, mainly Australians and New Zealanders. A Christian service is conducted by a military chaplain, speeches made by one or two diplomats, wreaths laid and the honour guard fires a salute.

There is a call for two minutes silence and it is then the tweeting of the birds -the beautiful lullaby of the forest- stands out in stark

contrast to the silently assembled.

A bagpiper plays the ‘Last Post’ as no doubt many ponder the horrors the labourers endured as they tried to carve out a railway line with rudimentary tools, little food, not much rest and beatings all under a tropical sun.

The 2008 service featured a speech by outgoing Australian ambassador Bill Paterson and was attended by 86-year-old former POW Bill Hoskin. A crush of Thai journalists jockeyed to photograph and interview the war veterans.

One answered a few questions then called a stop as the memories were too painful.

A commemoration ceremony takes place each year at 11:00am at the Kanchanaburi War Cemetery.

The wreath-laying one year was long and elaborate. Representatives from Poland, Nepal, Pakistan, Singapore, and Vietnam placed wreaths alongside those of Legacy (an Australian organization which helps the widows and children of veterans) and the Macclesfield RSL. Perhaps the most moving part of both ceremonies came with a long, yet wonderfully prepared, speech by a Death Railway survivor. He told how he had been taken prisoner in Java and transported by ship to work on the Burmese side of the railway. He explained why so many of his colleagues survived, being young, physically-fit, frontline troops, and so many others died, chiefly older, rear-echelon types. He ended his speech with a poem entitled ‘Mates’. As he said, “you needed a mate.” As he walked upright back to his seat he and his colleagues were warmly applauded.

When people look at the graves many seem to see just the young: 18, 19, 20-year-old lives cut short before they had ever really begun. A tragedy, yes. They are mourned by mothers, father, sisters, brothers.

The older men, in their thirties and

Part of the Kanchanaburi War Cemetery service On the walk along the trail down to the service one has to be careful to watch your step to avoid sleepers and shuffle across loose shingle. It was only as the dawn broke and the crowd moved back off up the cutting that the enormity of what these men achieved strikes home.

MAIN SERVICE The Kanchanaburi War Cemetery holds 6,982 marked graves while another cemetery, at Chungkai, contains 1,750 British and Dutch graves.

forties, their lives built but far from over, strike me as just as tragic. Not only are they mourned by mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, but in many cases by wives and sons and daughters. Their children grew up with their father as simply a blackand-white photo of a man in a uniform.

The question almost every male visitor asks, either out loud or thinks silently, ‘would I have survived?’

Thankfully, we’ve never had to find out the answer.

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.