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1 - 15 april 2011
Issue 13 www.pa ttayaone.net
zi CITy-wIde imitatioN NaSHIRTS’ SHOT r Fo Ch memoraBiliaIN PRE-ELECTION VIOLENCEeCks on a y ad likely to see more incidents Bars and SalRuessianiNTourPistas OuttratPattaya ge venues C Election fever fee onTInue ds a de
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By Staff Writers
by a ly alerted was recent d us to the Pattay a One who referre on disgusted reader memorabilia of fake Nazi elsewhere in open sale g Street and stalls off Walkinlate at night. Pattaya’s main the city, usually walked around disOur reporter t recently and after midnigh vendors shopping streets a number of indeed were ed deeply offensive covered there items, consider purveying these storm to many people. centre of an international The city was the Tussaud’s opened when Louis with in October 2009 promoted the attraction and g Adolf its waxworks Road featurin vit Sukhum In Thai, the a billboard on German dictator. is not dead’. Hitler, the former ‘Hitler the billboard read, slogan on the far as to suggest in didn’t go so living Thankfully, it still alive and was somehow was neatly placed raving lunatic 120. The billboard Pattaya’ sign. Naklua, aged e to ‘Welcom of the past those g not too far complaints, includin the billboard After a raft of ambassadors Israeli Itzhak and the German ambassador, . The Israeli “It is totally was removed quoted as saying, Adolf Shaham, was a monster like is to have such unacceptable this could happen display. How public on Hitler ension.” are now openly beyond my compreh Pattaya vendors the noses of The fact a few le material under selling Nazi-sty
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a from Russia, ds of family touristshands of Nazis in many thousan the suffering under deaths of millions country whose resulted in the outrage. World War Two en has sparked tourists on of their countrym spoke to Russian at the images Pattaya One disgust , who expressed Moscow Street from Walking s streets. Sasha, sale, for sale on Pattaya’ to see these things for sad people”. said it was, “very terrible for Russian a police of, and when Nazis were from Moscow Dimitry, also said he thought rly angry. He ficer, was particula be arrested, fined and jailed, should which act vendors hostile the a these items was not just for as the sale of to Russian tourists, of current was unwelcome but also because historical reasonsi activity in Russia. residen t of offensive Neo-Naz long-ter m Jewish on the Nazi Richard , a opinion asked for his concept of world Pattaya, was people have no material. “Those d in making money only intereste cause,” might history. They’re they tion sense of the hurt and have no Jewish organiza there was a would have they he stated. “If sure be you can kinds of things here in Thailand cry about these made a hue and Cooper being for sale.” Rabbi Abraham Further afield, based Centre, Weisenthal States, of the Simon in the United nt in California importa is ‘It email: commented by understand good will to for people of
impressive statis
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LiFe’s NO LONger A BeAch
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In recent weeks, months, many indeed over a couple By Staff Writers of places of In the most recent across the entertainment set of raids, two length of Pattaya’s have been targete and breadth of Pattaya busiest pubs and discos, catering primaril d for random local Thai market illicit drug y for the checks for use among District licensing were raided by Banglam patrons and local govern ung officials, along staff by late ment official with local police, on a busy Saturday s and law enforce ment agencie s. The reason Differ Pub, located night. for this increas interest in finding illegal close to Big ed Pattaya C in North , and Hollywo dealers is the drug users Naturall and Petragoo desire of the od Discotheque central governm n, also in North in Bangkok in Soi in the y, all these raids necessar to reduce crime ent over 100 Pattaya, were ily take place raided by silly dead of night. After all, it With a nationw officers and voluntee by 20 percen would look a raiding a bunch t. stopped, ide election rs. The music bit the lights turned nice set of in the offing of beer bars around was 7 or 8 impressive on and urine at say Soi statistics could a patrons and staff took used as a ‘plank’ tests of manage 3:00pm on a wet afternoo place. be n. They might to show the to find a few heavily Amazingly, at firm determ the end of the inebriated and ination of the electorate the person poorly operation, one dressed foreign tourists whiling was the issue of noon with a person law and order. government to they were detained and that was away the afteronly because not carrying who resembles Many of these who they had their Thai ID checks have taken a female and is an offence met the night card, which and beer bars , place while in an previous this go-go unname frequented primaril is against the . None of arrested after patrons and law, yet. The they failed the d number were yet to enact y by foreign the results have turned a shade urine test, which a dress code policy city is usually only been mixed, of purple indicatin out or a handful of with hand pamphlets warning of methamphetam g recent ingestion patrons or staff positive to banned of the dangers ine. After the testing complet of drinking in substances and checks were the afternoon ed, the venues carted off to face and then going out and were allowed the legal consequ subsequently It’s not sure picking up a to re-open. if the police and ences. pre-loved volunteers stayed enjoy the music; on to after all, it was a Saturday night.
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the headquarters of the jet-ski scam brigade, but if the beach continues to be eroded at its current rate, the scam artists will be forced to look for a new business. The reasons for the erosion of the
TUrn To page 3
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A report by marine experts based at chulalongkorn University recently stated the northern end of pattaya’s eponymous beach could disappear forever within the next five years unless serious erosion problems were addressed. In recent times, the main beach has garnered an unwelcome reputation as
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Fun Town’s most vibrant
A couple of artillery pieces and the scene would resemble a real war zone
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02 Pattaya One
Fun Town’s most vibrant
The numbers are stacking up Since Pattaya One first hit the streets just over seven months ago, it has had an extremely strong Internet presence via the website: www.pattayaone.net This site hosts a click-through version of the newspaper and has attracted quite a strong and consistent readership, both in terms of total number of readers and unique page views. The numbers are verifiable, and are not sprouted from the fertile imagination of some closeted marketing whiz. Since issue one (1-15 October 2010), which had 58,128 readers, the lowest numbers in terms of readers was for issue 13 (1-15 April 2011; the lead-up to Songkran) with a still-substantial 45,839, while the highest number of readers came in issue 12 (1631 March 2011) with a whopping 73,254 readers. Overall, Pattaya One reader numbers of the online paper average nearly 53,000. Issue one had 125,851 unique page views. The lowest figure since then has been 98,718 for issue six (16-31 December 2010)
with the highest being 156.626 for issue 13, ironically the very same issue which had the lowest number of actual readers. Of the 13 issues of Pattaya One for which there are completed statistics, the average number of unique page views per edition comes out at around 125,000. All of these figures only cover the on-line readership and take no account of PDF downloads from the website and sales of physical copies on the streets of Pattaya and through Suvarnabhumi airport. Source: www.issuu.com
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Thai-American child, and mother, perish in tragic fire A three-year-old Thai-American girl was sadly burnt to death, and her mother died a few days later from horrific injuries, in a raging fire which broke out at a music studio in South Pattaya. Fire Rescue Units, medical personnel and police were called to the Pattaya Music Studio, located at Duck Square, close to Big C in South Pattaya. There were frantic scenes as witnesses, including the uncle of the young victim, confirmed she was inside. The child’s mother managed to escape but was rushed to hospital suffering massive burns to much of her body. Medical personnel stated they were not sure if the mother would survive and she passed away approximately 48 hours later. Due to the intensity of the flames a rescue attempt for the young girl was not possible, even though family members did attempt to enter the burning building. The fire was eventually brought under control after about 30 minutes. Fire fighters were then able
to enter the gutted building and recover the charred body of the girl, who was curled into a ball. The young victim was apparently asleep on a bed at the time the fire began. Although it is small consolation, the victim is likely to have been rendered unconscious by smoke long before the flames reached her. The victim’s uncle claimed an explosion inside the studio led to the fire. Examiners believe a serious problem with a computer in the studio may have been the cause of the explosion and resultant fire, although suspicions have been raised that arson might also have to be considered.
Fire fighters after the dousing the blaze
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16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
From page one
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Pattaya One 03
Life’s No Longer a Beach
northern end of Pattaya Beach, as well as less substantial, but nonetheless important, erosion elsewhere, are many and varied. Included among the causes are: increased development along Beach Road; apparently stronger tides and currents which have led to wave action contributing to erosion; and, arguably, the development of the major deepwater port at Laem Chabang which may have had an effect on tidal activity. According to the Chulalongkorn experts, the north end of Pattaya Beach measured a whopping 35.6 metres in width in 1952. It has been shrinking gradually almost every year since then, but in the last few years the erosion has become magnified. The experts claim the north
end of Pattaya Beach now measures only 3.5 metres in width. As a result, City Hall has been galvanized into taking action in an effort to halt the erosion. After all, a large number of individuals earn their livelihoods by way of the beach. The preventative measures, unfortunately, are not especially attractive. Parts of the northern end of the beach now resemble a war zone, with sandbags and huge cement bags shoring up foundations and concession areas. Buttresses, wires, ropes and supports attempt to prevent tottering trees from tumbling onto tourists. Other trees, their roots far exposed by erosion, have been cut down for the safety of the public, while other man-made structures, steps, seating areas and landscaped parts of the walkway have been undermined and severely damaged by the relentless power of the sea. Pattaya One recently visited the beach and observed two distinct erosion patterns, not just the conventional one that everyone has focused on.
of this runoff erosion could have been foreseen and dealt with in Environmental Impact Surveys when large beachfront buildings were being approved. If these risks were foreseen, they do not appear to have not been dealt with adequately. The Chulalongkorn academics suggested further studies need carrying out to discover where all the sand is going. They suggested it could be worth trying to artificially increase the size of the beach by taking sand from near Koh Larn and depositing it along Pattaya Beach, aiming to once again extend it to 30 metres in width. This may prove a waste of time and money. Perhaps a cheaper, and more obvious, option be explored first. Groynes (man-made structures running from the shore out into the sea at right angles to the beach) could be built to reduce the cross-currents and loss of sand on Pattaya Beach. This is basic, and relatively cheap, marine technology aimed at preventing beach erosion by reducing cross-currents along seafronts, and is commonly employed around the world in similar circumstances.
The Price of Progress Livelihoods Threatened
Definitely not the Cote D’Azur
We believe the gradual extension of Laem Chabang port may account for much of the change in sea erosion, as tides and currents that used to take sand from further up the coast and deposit them on Pattaya Beach, no longer do so because those sand reserves are now covered by the expanded port. The other erosion process we observed was the runoff of water from Beach Road which spills onto, and across, the beach. This runoff has increased dramatically over the past few years to the point where deep canyons and gullies traverse the beach at regular intervals in the central and northern areas, washing a considerable amount of sand into the sea. We believe the cause of this is the development of the opposite side of Beach Road over the past few years, where piling, underground works and foundations have diverted the flow of water across Beach Road and concentrated it into fast-flowing surface and sub-surface water channels which are washing the beach away from the rear, while the front is assaulted by the sea. Hindsight is always 20:20, but surely some
On the Buses
Pattaya City Hall has recently spent a small fortune purchasing a fleet of brand new, clean, air-conditioned coaches which will be used as school transport for the various public schools scattered throughout the city.
The buses were made in China and are colourfully decorated. The vehicles run on NGV rather than diesel, an environmentally friendly option for which City Hall deserves plaudits.
If no action is taken, many who use the beach for business and pleasure will be robbed of the opportunity to do so in future, although some, such as the jet ski scammers, whose livelihood is to rob on the beach will not be missed. Pattaya One spoke to Khun Jeab, from Surin, who has been selling trinkets on Pattaya Beach for the past eight years. She said the northern end of the beach is no longer worth walking to in the search for customers. Khun Jeab thinks it will soon be the same with the middle section of the beach. The deck-chair concessionaires (some of whom claim their average daily returns have declined by up to eighty percent in the past two years), legitimate sea-craft operators, and the many beach vendors who depend on Pattaya’s beaches being un-eroded and full of free-spending tourists are the first residents to be inconvenienced by the sea changes in erosion patterns on the beach. They won’t be the last.
04 Pattaya One
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Pete’s Peregrinations Boozed-up Russian Knocks Himself Out
By Peter Lloyd
Tanzania I am writing this in Dar es Salaam, the capital of Tanzania, where I have come for five days, for meetings which are to be held in a remote town called Shinyanga. To get to Shinyanga, I have to fly for three-and-a-half hours deep into the bush near Lake Victoria, close to the borders of Rwanda and Uganda. I always enjoy my flights when I am here. This morning’s flight from Nairobi to Dar took me right past the tallest mountain in Africa, Kilimanjaro (see photos), where even I can see less snow on the summit each year. I also enjoy my flights to Shinyanga, as I get to see two of Africa’s greatest natural features, Kilimanjaro (again), and fly over the Great Rift Valley, its vast valley floor and steep sides scarring the earth for as far as I can see, with large, brightly–coloured mineral lakes, situated within the valley, playing topographical tricks on my eyes as we fly over them.
Pickpockets I am here with an older British man in his 70s, more used to the Home Counties than the Mean Streets of Africa. When we were walking through Dar es Salaam earlier today he was hustled and pushed by a young African guy on the pavement. It was an unusual incident in this usually very friendly, safe city, but we walked off thinking nothing of it, when suddenly my friend was hit on the head by a flying passport – his own. He had been pick-pocketed; the guy had obviously not wanted his passport and had thrown it back at my friend, before running off. This was actually a result, not having to lose a day reporting a lost passport to the police and the Embassy and dealing with the hassles of getting a replacement travel permit issued. Luckily, the pickpocket got nothing else from my friend, but it served as a salutary tale to always be on your guard here, even in broad daylight.
Mount Kilimanjaro
Kilimanjaro’s disappearing snow.
Excessive Slicing? A friend of mine recently stepped on two nails which punctured his skin through his flip flops, so he went to a local hospital -which shall remain nameless- to get the wounds cleaned. A doctor looked at the sole of my friend’s foot, whipped out a scalpel and, without a local anesthetic, and without any warning, sliced him open between the two punctures. My friend not unnaturally swore in agony, astonished a doctor would do such a thing, especially without anesthetic being admin-
istered. The doctor said he was draining the wound. The now greatly enlarged and bloody cut was then stuffed with some kind of wadding and my friend was told to come back every day to have the dressing changed. He couldn’t help feeling that something was (literally) sorely awry with this treatment, and that it wasn’t just his needlesslyenlarged wound that was being stuffed with wadding, but his bill was getting a similar seeing-to.
Just a small vignette of what is fast becoming drunken commonplace in Fun Town. At 9pm recently I was waiting for some food in a busy McDonalds in Pattaya. (Unfortunately, this is a longstanding requirement for me if going out boozing). Anyway, I was standing behind a young Russian guy. Mid-20’s, sweaty (of course) open shirt (of course), swigging from a large bottle of Heineken (of course), and drunk (of course). After a conversation with the waitress where she used telepathic powers to work out what he actually wanted to order, as he stumbled and slurred all over the place, he tried to stand up straight, and look cool when some Russian women walked in. As he turned around to survey the scene and the women, he casually put an outstretched arm to his side, to lean it on the counter. Unfortunately, he totally missed it, went arse over tit, and instead smashed his head on the counter, knocking himself out cold. A Russian tended to him, and by the time an ambulance came, he was awake and violently resisting attempts to take him to hospital. Amazingly there was no blood, but he could have been severely concussed, although he was probably too drunk to notice.
Philippines Scuba Diving
An incredibly camouflaged (and very poisonous) Stonefish on a wreck.
Before flying to Tanzania I spent 2 weeks in The Philippines, scuba diving in world class dive sites, for about half the price per dive of even the dubious delights of diving in murky Pattaya Bay. Here are a couple of photos (hopefully) of interest. I could hardly make out the stonefish on the wreck, so well camouflaged was it. But touching it accidentally would bring you a whole world of underwater hurt.
A Ghost pipefish
Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Pattaya One 05
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.
An Accident Waiting To Happen Sir, Just a reminder, I have lived on Soi Wat Boon Rd Jomtien for nine years and now that Jomtien Second Road crosses through Soi Wat Boon, very close to where I live and drive through everyday, I have been seeing the near misses and some accidents. I honestly feel if there is not a ‘Stop’ sign installed NOW, before they finishing working on Second Road, and I hope put in a traffic light or keep the stop sign, that people will die at this
intersection and it is a shame to wait for deaths before we make a move. The Pollution Solution Group recommends this and ask others that also realize the need for this to please write Pattaya City Hall, Call 1337 or write the local papers. Thank You Very Much The Pollution Solution Group KOTO by email
Sadly, it is likely to take some serious injuries and possibly a couple of deaths before traffic lights, rather than a Stop sign, would be installed. We hate to say this, but a Stop sign would probably be virtually ignored, and even lights aren’t going to completely prevent accidents. Also, this wouldn’t be the only intersection within the city limits requiring either a sign (to be dutifully ignored no doubt) or set of lights or some kind of a traffic upgrade.
The needy and the greedy Sir, Arriving in Thailand as an expat is in some ways a bewildering experience. When the first moments of euphoria have declined over the wonderful climate and the apparently charming people (one learns over time that the smiles are not always as nice as one might like to think) there comes an element of disappointment. The many variations and amusements are impressive for the newcomer. The minimum of clothing here is cheap and satisfactory. So far so good. But one will discover some snakes, even in this paradise. Many of these have been experienced by those who have travelled abroad previously. Cheating with money; conning vendors, rude taxi drivers and race-related price tariffs. The racism, appearing just under the surface of smiling faces, is not pleasant. Maybe it makes some of us less intolerant of others to see how we our sometimes treated.
Moments of surprise happen all the time, some are hard to comprehend. Such as trying to leave an elevator packed like a tin of sardines and having to almost push your way out while those who want to get in push forward. The ruling principle: me first, at any price. Of course this is common behaviour all over Asia. The high death toll on the roads doesn’t seem to have any impact on the dreadful driving habits of the rest. Every day there seem to be different kinds of discrimination and not all from ignorant people. Some is inherited bad manners. Sometimes it’s pure ill will. The important thing is to recognise these things and understand we will have to live with it. If things get really unacceptable, well just keep your passport handy as well as toothbrush and ATM. Complaining won’t do any good. Despite all of the above I do appreciate living in this country. The quality of life here
Pattaya City Hall Takes Action? Sir, Recently I saw two officials, I think from City Hall, one with a large camera, and the other with a file, clipboard and forms, talking to a group of nervous looking jet-ski operators. I recognized a couple from photos of scammers on the internet. It looked like the officials were getting personal information from the operators, and the jet-ski people did not look comfortable with being asked. It was funny. Do you know if the city is setting up a registration scheme to help protect tourists from these people? Good luck to them if they are. Yours sincerely Beach Bum by email
It is quite possible that officials from one section of the local government administration have been given the task of at least compiling a registry of private jet-ski operators. Just what this list of names, addresses and other details can be used for is anyone’s guess. One of the sad realities of Pattaya living is that City Hall has to tread a fine line between all the various competing elements: the local plod, the tourist coppers, the district licensing authorities, the beach concessionaires, anybody else in a uniform, and Khun Lek’s som dtam stall. Will the scams cease and desist? Unfortunately, the phrase containing the words ‘hell’ and ‘freeze over’ springs to mind.
outweighs what I remember from my own country. Therefore I am prepared to endure certain inconveniences in my daily life and balance the good with the bad. Positive thinking never hurts. Jan From the Dark Side I think you’ve managed to get it about right. This is not paradise on Earth, but if you work within a set of guiding parameters: accept what you can’t change, avoid what is likely to turn nasty or unfavourable to you, and enjoy the good times for what they are, then your life here should be reasonably contented. As guests in this country we are always in a position to take the decision to leave or relocate. Most Thais don’t have that option. They are stuck with the system the way it is, and if it’s going to change and improve it’s going to be the locals who’ll get around to doing it…eventually.
Better borscht than vindaloo Sir, In a reply to a recent letter (Edition 14) you suggested Thailand’s tourist bodies may be trying to limit the potential problems of a large Russian presence in Pattaya by attracting Indian tourists to the city. Mate, I had to laugh, Indian tourists there seem poorer even than the Thais, and more clueless than the Russians, and because they don’t bring, in your excellent phrase, their own “sand to the beach,” they have to go and get their own, and they can be seen swarming over ugly, old, fat freelancers in sleazy groups every night of the week. When I was there, there was a story of five gangbanging Indians, who paid 1,000 baht between them
to have sex with a Beach Road hooker in a hotel. They got drugged and robbed by her. I doubt this would have happened to five Russians. So I think Russians are better tourists for Pattaya! Phil from the UK. by email Well someone has to give the ‘ugly, old, fat freelancers’ a bit of a legup in the financial stakes. After all, the only time they probably manage to get a bit of a look-in is sometime between midnight and 4:00am when they might snare a European punter with bad eyesight and 84 vodkas in his system. Pattaya One agrees five Russians would never be caught out like this.
06 Pattaya One
Fun Town’s most vibrant
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
The
BellwetherEnd Pandaring to the Inevitable
By Mike Bell
This article is about the ludicrosity (a new word, I’ve just coined and immediately patented) of trying to save the giant panda. If you’ve been in Thailand any length of time, i.e. more than 10 minutes, you have probably heard about Lin Ping. This animal not only has its own program, but a continuous 24hour channel dedicated to showing this dying creature eke out its final years. You can view this exercise in human futility on a Truevision channel somewhere between 22 and 24; so no more clues. Watching it for more than four consecutive minutes is akin to slowly inserting sharpened slivers of bamboo under your own fingernails. Which brings me to the giant panda’s diet: 99% of which is bamboo! Now can any biologist, conversant with Darwin’s theory of evolution, explain this phenomenon? Why would a creature equipped with a carnivore’s digestive tract choose to eat only vegetarian, and such a limited one at that? This silly animal spends between 10 to 12 hours every day eating up to 20 kilograms of bamboo. Because it is so inefficient only 17% is utilized to provide nourishment, so what happens to the other 16.6 kilograms? Yes, you’ve guessed it. This can clearly be watched in full colour on the above-mentioned channel. I want to know where all this bamboo comes from. Is there a
plantation in Chiang Mai specialising in growing panda fodder? Is there an army of workers whose sole task it is to go out into the fields hacking down great swathes of bamboo? Is bamboo endangered? In the interests of journalistic research, I went to Chiang Mai Zoo and paid my entrance fee. We took a shuttle bus that brought us to the Panda building where you had to pay AGAIN! No flash photography was allowed to disturb the indolent tranquility of these giant imposters. All cameras had sticky tape affixed to the flash attachment. This was a lot less painful than it sounds. Surrounded by a hushed and adoring crowd, we filed reverently past and watched these spoilt brats, doing nothing. For the 50 baht we were charged they might just as well have been those plastic replicas which Thailand does so well. Until I read up on pandas, I thought Sichuan was a spicy Chinese dish; it is, in fact, a province in South West China where pandas are mass-produced at the Chengdu Panda Camp. Given the creatures’ remarkable reluctance to mate, any off-spring is a near miracle. In the wild, the mating period is from mid-March to mid-May! So what do they do for the other 10 months of the year? During this short period, there is an even narrower window of opportunity; she is only fertile for between two and seven days. We’re looking at a headache that lasts 350 days every year!
They are solitary creatures roaming a feeding area of two or three square kilometres, so how do they meet up at just the right time? If by any remarkable mathematical chance they should get it together, (and there is more chance of a poor person winning the Thai lottery) the female shuts up shop and becomes infertile for two years. They have obviously no survival instinct; no desire to perpetuate their species. The gestation period can be any where from 97 to 181 days. ‘When are you due?’ ‘Sometime in September, October or November, possibly!’ ‘Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?’ ‘I don’t mind so long as it’s black and white. I don’t even know how it happened.’ There is even a special word coined to describe a panda’s offspring: altricial. It means born helpless: its eyes and ears are sealed; it cannot walk or maintain its own body temperature; it cannot even excrete without assistance. I am not sure what sort of assistance you can give a blind, deaf and immobile creature in this area. (Incidentally, the area we are talking about has to be between 2,000– 3,500 metres above sea level. Anything more or less and they perish.) Now I know for a fact that Chiang Mai Zoo does not lie between those two altitudes. My theory is pandas were scheduled for extinction 300 to 400 years ago... Mother Nature decided they were useless
Foreign volunteer aids in sex shop raid and arrest A British man, named as Ian Hoskin, aged 61, was arrested by Pattaya Immigration officers after they conducted an afternoon raid on a shop on Third Road. Mr Hoskin was accused of producing and selling pornographic material and sex toys. Officers raided the Boutique Sexy shop on Third Road and detained Mr Hoskin, the reported owner of the business. Using the usual marked banknotes, an unnamed undercover foreign Immigration volunteer
went into the shop to purchase items which are deemed illegal in Thailand. This purchase provided Immigration Officers with enough evidence to conduct the raid. Inside the shop, officers found plastic and silicon sex toys, including fake penises, unusual metallic objects designed for insertion in small holes, leather goods not normally worn in public during the day, dog collars designed for humans rather than canines, and a number of other items whose use
is probably only understood by the cognoscenti. Mr Hoskin then led police to a manufacturing facility, located in Soi 5, off Naklua Road where items were being manufactured, mostly for export to foreign countries. Immigration officers claimed they initially became aware of the Boutique Sexy operation through its website, which was selling many of the locally produced items. Although some reports suggested the business had been in operation
buggers who couldn’t be arsed to eat or shag so she wanted shot of them. The only reason they linger on, is because mankind artificially keeps them alive... Mother Nature is screaming, “Pull the bloody plug, won’t you? I made some cool animals that WANT to survive.... Pick one of them to save.” Tigers for example...they LOVE having sex. And babies. Look at the Tiger Zoo or temple - it’s awash with orange and white striped orgies. It’s just that they don’t get that many opportunities in the wild because they’ve all been turned into coats, hats and scarves, or had their penises eaten by old Chinese men. It’s pretty hard to perpetuate the species when your todger is slowly being digested in the lower intestine of an impotent Chinaman. There’s only one fair way to decide who gets preserved and who goes down to Dodo farm - A gladiatorial duel to the death... A hungry tiger in one corner and Lin Ping in the other. I know where my money’s going! You could even make it pay per view. And then with the money made from that, build a breeding centre for tigers. And then release ‘em into Panda country. There’s a lot of money being made perpetuating the myth of this emblematic animal. You can even have your dog groomed to resemble a panda, or your elephant. It is Lin Ping’s second birthday on 27th May 2011. Get her something with stripes on it.
for six years, in fact Boutique Sexy commenced commercial operations in Pattaya from a shopfront in Naklua in about 1995. Mr Hoskin has been ‘visited’ previously by authorities, but his operation was apparently deemed acceptable to investigators. Strangely, a similar shop operates openly in the Big C shopping mall in North Pattaya, but maybe they don’t allow foreign volunteers to purchase items with marked banknotes. As of going to press, Pattaya One understands Mr Hoskin has been unable to raise sufficient funds to bail himself out of prison and is currently awaiting a court appearance.
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Fun Town’s most vibrant
kris & noi’s
number, the attitude is friendlier and more laid back than in the tourist areas. Hope that the remainder of your tour will be equally as satisfying.
Private
Silent Short -Time
Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com satisfied Punter
i’m just home from my first holiday in Pattaya, and it was my finest holiday ever. I heard some expats complaining that the girls were greedy, untrustworthy, and not even attractive. i’m glad i didn’t listen, because I met some lovely girls and they gave me a wonderful time. I am very shy with women, and life is lonely at home, so Pattaya was an unbelievable new experience for me. And the atmosphere was so normal, no sleazy feel at all—girls and their customers mixed in with expat couples and families, on the sea front, in bars, everywhere. Every girl treated me so well, it was like having a real girlfriend. Of course I was nice to them too, but I only spent within my means. People can say that it is wrong to pay a woman for companionship and sex, but how else can a shy, lonely man get such happy days with lovely ladies? Pattaya will now be my regular holiday spot. Rodders
Pattaya’s all-action nooky scene can be quite overwhelming for a newcomer, but you handled it very well—ignoring the moaners was a smart move. You had a good time without breaking your bank and the girls had the company of a nice man for a few days while earning some money; compensation for the times they have to suffer an obnoxious tosser. Let other people argue over the rights or wrongs of the business; you just be happy that it enabled you to have the pleasure of some great times with pretty girls.
Happy Trails
We wrote to you a while ago, asking about the practicality of a self-drive tour of Thailand. We are now ten days into our tour, and it is going smoothly. We are mostly avoiding touristy areas to get a feel of the real Thai people. The Thais in Pattaya are friendly, but they are working and cannot relax and pass idle time chatting to foreigners. However, in
All Beach, No Water Just to show how capricious nature can be, recent very low tides left the usually tiny strip of sand also known as Pattaya Beach looking, in places, more like a sandy desert. Tourists trying to get to speedboats faced a long walk across hot sand to reach the boats, which were moored far offshore in deeper water. It is believed nature will soon retake its course and continue to
remove sand and trees from the beach once these seasonally low tides disappear. In the meantime, Pattaya One suggests city hall’s tourism marketing department goes down to the beach with a camera on one of these low tide days to take some good Pr photos of Pattaya’s newlyexposed sands for future marketing promotions.
All Beach, no water
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their home surroundings they have been so friendly and kind; when we stop at a village there is always someone who offers a drink and once we were invited to join some people who were eating. Although we like Pattaya very much it is good to find out more about a country and its people. Perhaps if expats travelled around and met other Thais, they would understand the people better and there would be fewer complaints? Micawber & Little nell Expats would only stop complaining about the locals if all Thais, excepting service and entertainment staff, and the muff-donors of course, were removed from Thailand. In every country the locals differ from region to region, so touring is the only way to really get to know a country. However, not all expats have the means, or the inclination, to travel extensively. This is a shame as, in the smaller towns and rural areas, where expats are fewer in
I do admire and enjoy watching young hookers as they turn on the charm to fool aging expats into thinking they have fallen in love. The old fools take them all around with them, spend wads of money on expensive presents, kidding themselves that it’s their personality and looks that the girls have fallen for, not their ATM cards! Well, this aging expat never even asks a girl her name, and when we’ve finished there’s no small talk, i just pay up and go. Let’s be honest, we are all after the same thing, a screw, and I get the same ending as them, without wasting pots of money! Early Doors When a man has been thoroughly worked over by a girl less than half his age, who then gazes into his eyes and tells him he is a good and sexy man, it is so easy to think that love is in the air. The girls are very adept at tugging heartstrings; most punters accept that the romance is temporary and cash-fuelled, but are prepared to pay for the pleasure of having a sexy girl in tow for a few days, or even weeks, and consider the money wellspent. However, some men only want direct, unemotional sex. No romance for you, just agree the price then it’s a quick one up the knicker leg and out the door. Each to his own squire; you do what satisfies you. However, although you all reach the same target, maybe the other men have more fun en route.
road race leads to lost lives A pick-up driver was killed and a 40-year-old man and three-yearold girl seriously injured after a spontaneous road race ended in tragedy one afternoon. Police and rescue services were called to sukhumvit road in north Pattaya to deal with the accident which involved a pick-up, a motorbike, and a car which left the scene before authorities arrived. According to witnesses, the car, described as a Chevrolet, and the pick-up appeared to be racing each other along the main road. The Chevrolet apparently lost control and slammed into a slow-moving motorbike. The pick-up attempted to avoid the accident and ended up in the central reservation. The 26-year-old driver of the pick-up was pronounced dead at
the scene. The 40-year-old driver of the motorbike and his threeyear-old passenger were taken to Banglamung Hospital. Sadly, the young girl had to be transferred to Chonburi Hospital in a coma and doctors suggested she was unlikely to survive. Security camera footage was being examined by police in the hope of identifying the Chevrolet and bringing the driver to some kind of justice.
The gene pool improves by 0.000001%
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Fun Town’s most vibrant
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Living Healthy in Pattaya By Khun Dee
Eat smart You know by now that smoking causes lung cancer. You know that excessive sun- exposure causes skin cancer. And you probably know that excessive alcohol can lead to mouth and throat cancer and may increase the risk of liver and breast cancer. But did you know that the easiest, least expensive way to reduce your risk for cancer is by just eating smarter? That doesn’t mean a diet of sea kelp, tofu and flax. It does mean choosing foods that are rich in cancer-fighting substances. Foods you probably already eat—like broccoli, tomatoes, oranges, salmon—but perhaps not often enough. And it means avoiding foods that are high in saturated fat. The one excellent protein choice to reduce cancer risk and also control cholesterol is salmon. Like other fatty fish such as trout and herring, salmon may help boost blood levels of good cholesterol while it slashes the risk of several different types of cancer. But when it comes to a diet rich in cancer-fighting substances, most experts agree that the key is a plant-based diet—predominantly
Outwit the big C
fruits and vegetables. If your plate consists of two-thirds plant food it should be enough to avoid excessive saturated fat--which has been linked to cancer of the breast, colon, uterus, and prostate. For some, it may take awhile to adjust to a new eating plan. So each week--or even each month--try working only one new vegetable into your diet. In fact, drastic changes too often result in failure. Begin by including five or more servings of fruits and vegetables daily, starting with some of the following: One of the smartest things you can eat is food rich in folate. And you needn’t experiment with exotic fare to get your fill. This B-complex vitamin is found in such common foods as orange juice, spinach, romaine lettuce, dried beans, peas, peanuts, asparagus and Brussels sprouts. Then there is Vitamin D. Researchers suggest that vitamin D curbs the growth of cancerous cells and may improve survival rates among lung cancer patients. Find it in fish and fortified cereals and dairy products. And here in Pattaya it’s free; just go out and soak up Vitamin D from the sun year round. In just 10 minutes, you can absorb more than enough
The End is Nigh
Over the past few weeks a number of baht buses have been liveried with advertising promoting ‘Judgment Day’, which apparently is due to take place on Saturday 21 May. Although the date has allegedly been determined, the precise time is apparently elusive. The advertisements have been bought and paid for -presumably up to 21 May- by Family Radio, which describes itself as ‘a Bible-based Christian broadcasting ministry with no church affiliation’. They claim to broadcast in more than 40 languages, worldwide, from their headquarters in Oakland, California. It might be a surprise they’re not based somewhere like Castration, Alabama or Flagellation, Idaho, but maybe these traditional Bible-belt areas are already oversupplied with fundamentalist god-botherers. Naturally, there are some people who take this ‘end of the world’ scenario quite seriously, especially as it tends to ruin weekend plans for barbeques, camping trips, and orgies.
According to the Family Radio Bible-believing persons, they have worked out the time from the socalled Great Flood to now is 7,000 years, give or take a day or six. So, using Biblical material, such as ‘In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life…’ (Surely a Guinness Book of World Records lifespan), the Family Radio people have worked out the precise date of the end of the world. They suggest only 200 million people will be saved; the rest of us will wind up in a hot place: something like the wilds of Issan in the middle of summer. It could be all fire and brimstone, a bit like a tough night in the Devil’s Den in Soi LK Metro. The plus for Pattaya, of course, will be that these end-of-the-world signs will be removed from the baht buses (either manually or by the hand of god) and perhaps we can return to more normal advertising: Susie’s Massage and House of Load Relief, or Bungy Jumping into the Crocodile Zoo.
(as much as 5,000 IU) with 40 percent of your body exposed to the sun. One study shows that bumping up your vitamin D intake from 150 IU per day to 600 IU may drop your risk of pancreatic cancer by up to 41 percent. Aim for at least 400 IU of vitamin D per day--more if you’re over 70. Green tea and black tea have been shown to protect against some forms of cancer. Tea contains flavonoids known for their antioxidant effects. Four cups a day, hot or cold, seem to be enough to help boost cancer protection. Cruciferous vegetables may not have been your favorite as a kid, but these members of the cabbage family--kale, turnip greens, cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts--can help you ward off cancer. Recent studies show promising results against prostate and colon cancers. But swallowing them whole won’t do. The protective effect of cruciferous vegetables seems to occur when they are cut or chewed. They’re great in stir fry (think phat phak ruam), as side dishes, or tossed into salads. Ginger is a popular spice in Thailand. It’s long been used to quell
nausea and soon may be used to fight cancer, too. Its effectiveness in killing cancer cells in humans has yet to be proven, but the evidence is strong. Add ginger to soups, marinades, and sauces. Curcumin, the main ingredient in curry powder, can be sprinkled into your favorite dishes, adding a little zest to your meal and years to your life. Curcumin is known for its antitumor, antioxidant, anti-amyloid and anti-inflammatory properties, and acts as a free radical scavenger and antioxidant. Experts credit curcumin’s anti-inflammatory effects for its ability to fight cancer. Most diseases are caused by chronic inflammation that persists over long periods of time. Recent studies have shown curcumin interferes with cell-signaling pathways, thereby suppressing potential cancerous cells. Curcumin’s protective effects may extend to bladder and gastrointestinal cancers. In a number of studies, no cancer yet has been found which is not affected by curcumin. If none of the above foods are to your liking, here are some alternatives that also may be effective in preventing cancer (in alphabetical order): Avocados, berries, carrots, chili peppers, figs, flax, garlic, citrus fruit, nuts, papaya, pomegranate juice, rosemary, soy products, seaweed, sweet potatoes and tomatoes.
Crapulous Crappers Our photographer responsible for loitering, snooping and taking photographs in public lavatories recently spotted this rather graphic sign in the men’s toilets of upmarket Central Festival Mall. We wonder whether the new breed of Pattaya tourist needs to be this specifically educated about lavatorial etiquette in Fun Town, and if so, what do they get up to in toilets which aren’t so well signaged. Perhaps we’d better not speculate. Once again it shows one should never overestimate the quality of some of Pattaya’s recent crappy tourists.
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16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Funny things Girls Say (Part 2) I was rudely interrupted by the madness of Songkran from continuing with the very amusing topic called “The funny things the Girls Say!” on Thai Visa, which kept me entertained for hours researching it for this column.
Fun Town’s most vibrant
ABOVE BAWD
IN PATTAYA
By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop
Food Kicking off with perhaps my favourite in the whole topic, Lordsux said: I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” she replied “I’m not hungry”. Keeping it on food, Zarkow related the following interesting conversation with his wife in a restaurant: She: - “Do you want a slut?” Me: - “Um...” She: - “I might take a slut...” Me: - “...” She: - “...a chicken slut maybe...I like the dressing too.” Bad luck there. She only meant a salad. Beerchang and his wife almost had a big ploplem about food too, when he said after a meal: “Don’t give me any more food or I’ll go boom”. After removing the fork from my eye, I explained what I really meant! Learningcurve, also on the subject of food, related this: A friend took his Thai wife on holiday to the UK to meet his parents. On the first Sunday the family sat down to a traditional Sunday lunch. Half way through the meal my friend excused himself from the table to visit the bathroom. When he reentered the dining room his wife asked in a loud voice “Have you had a good shit?” A Thai lady, SiamOne also contributed her own dinner party faux pas: - I was at dinner party in London, we were talking about tattoos I said I wanted one, they politely asked me where. I replied “up my bum”. Stunned silence, until my hubby explained I meant on top of my butt. An excellent and intelligent bit of English usage was related by All4one : my missus said she wanted to eat steak. Given a choice of 5, I ordered an oriental steak for her. When it came it was chopped beef with spices, shaped like a steak. She hit the roof as it wasn’t a real steak....then the killer line....”This isn’t a steak this is a MISTAKE”. Daleyboy said: When we ordered Chinese food the other night, I
Food-related faux pas feature firmly asked my wife what she wanted and she told me she wanted “fu*king duck”… More food, this time in a supermarket, from Ericd: My ex Thai wife had been living with me in the UK for about a year. We were at the supermarket checkout together and she kept on pulling out a bag of sugar from the other groceries and refusing to let the cashier put it through the till. We both asked her why? She pointed to a nearby display of a completely different product which in large letters pronounced it to be “SUGAR FREE” !!! On another famous occasion we were in bed together and I passed wind. She turned over and said: “How many dog die stomach you?”
We were out driving as a family and a songtaew pulled out from the side of the road right in front of me without checking if it was clear. From the back seat my daughter said: “Daddy that man can’t drive for shit can he?” Cue a “Where did she get that from?” look from my wife and a “Haven’t a clue “ shoulder shrug from me. And Tatom added: We used to live in the US and my mother really loved my wife. I think it was her innocence and honesty my mother liked. One day my mother telephoned and my wife answered. Mother: “Hello dear, is Tom home?”. Wife: “ yes, he’s in the bathroom, sh*tting”.
Scatology
Very Bollocks
There were a lot of scatological linguistic mishaps on the thread, evidenced by Nysan’s contribution: I thought a friend said:”I surprise you. I have diarrhea express.” I suggested that she should go to the drugstore and buy some medicine. Then she got frustrated and hung up on me. In the end I discovered she had taken a free magazine called “Daily Express” for me. Beerchang added: When I first met the wife to be and with farang friends, I jokingly called her ‘you little sh*t’ and said it was cutespeak, like for babies. Years later, I had to apologise to an American couple on our honeymoon at the swimming pool on Koh Samet when my wife said to their kid...”You want swim you liitle sh*t” Mca’s six-year-old daughter had also been learning bad words from her father:
There were some great (mis)uses of the English language as well: aaaaaa said: my wife was watching some TV program or news and commented to me: “you see that monk and that monkey....” - she was actually referring to a nun. Prestburypark added: I was moaning about being bored upcountry, she agreed (lying, as she loves it up there), “yes, nothing happen, many times”. Duality related an excellent exchange with his girlfriend. ME - “ ohhh bollocks!” Girlfriend: - “yes very bollocks”. meelousee said: I was to meet my wife at the Skytrain station, I walked around and waited. “Dang where is she”. I called her mobile and asked her, she told me she was at a bookshop near the ejaculator! I also liked this from Lampard10: I was woken up one night by a thump round the ear. ‘I dreamt
Pattaya One 09
you with other lady ‘ was my wife’s excuse. Jayenram also posed a time-honoured domestic question: - Why is it that if I drop something and it breaks, it is my fault because “I dropped it” - however, if my girlfriend drops something and it breaks “It fell down”? ChiangmaiJim showed the limits of quasi-Socratic dialogue: Last year we were preparing to move into our new house and I had been making inquiries as to what we could do and what we couldn’t do in or to our new property, and basically my wife said you can do what the **** you like. Therefore I started to ask her a few questions like “can I do this”? and “can I have this”? and always the answer was, “You can do what you want” Therefore trying to push the point I then said that I would like to buy an elephant and keep it in the garden! At this she turned and said “You can’t keep an elephant in the garden” I then asked her why not. I can basically do anything I want but I can’t have an elephant? She replied “It will sh*t all over the garden”!!! Moo9 related the following exchange with one friend: SHE “Phone you have sing a song?” ME: What? SHE: “You phone have sing a song, chai mai?” It took me 10 minutes or so to find out that she wanted to know whether my mobile phone can play MP3 files!!!!
I Love Man? Roscoe told the following great tale: Sitting at one of the bars on the cut through between soi 7 and soi 8 (second road end ) Pattaya with my friend Martin . A bar girl started chatting to him “where you from? English?” “No” says Martin. “Isle of Man.” “Ok” says the bar girl , and goes away. Five minutes later she returns with a handsome if somewhat effeminate male. She introduces Martin to him with the immortal words: “He love man”! Penzman told a pleasant tale: We eat at the same shop every day and have become great friends with the family who runs it. There are quite a few shops next to it and a park for kids to play. Two women who were having beer next door decided to take a pee in the bushes. The shop lady told my girlfriend who then translated to me: “ They better watch out for the snake not to bite their kisstoris” All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net
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16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Pattaya Focus on ...... Thappraya Roadworks Update I decided to revisit Thappraya Road in the hope of being able to give a positive update on the roadwidening scheme, now in its fifth year. I rather wish I hadn’t, given the congestion, dust, fumes and mayhem on the roads and the non-existent pavements. Although nearly in its final stages, this road scheme has embarrassed the city, and professional lessons need to be learned from this, if the city ever wants to be seen to be able to project-manage bigger construction projects (or, more realistically, their budgets). What has happened seems to demonstrate failure at every level, from the initial planning, when work commenced without ensuring all the required land was acquired
By Street Stroller
Understatement of the century before the road scheme started, to the bumbling road crews, poor specifications, the city’s lack of oversight of the project and what looks like a failure to properly set out construction benchmarks for stage payments to the contractors.
Supposed to be a pavement
Admittedly the workers now engaged on the construction near the Hanuman statue look like they are getting on with the job in a reasonably professional manner, but that cannot be said for the earlier stages of this project.
Stand by for travel chaos
Heaven and Hell - two sides of the road
As more than a PR exercise, as a fig leaf of accountability, the city should place large signs on all future construction projects identifying the person responsible at City Hall, with contact details, as well as the contractor and sub-contractor’s names and contact numbers. They should make supplying this information a condition of any tendering procedure, if they bother with tendering for these projects in future. If this is a tendered project, they need to change their tendering process. Over two days observing the works, I saw two people fall over the dirt track masquerading as a footpath. One, an elderly gentleman fell after disembarking from a baht bus as he lost his footing on the sidewalk. It looked very serious as he went down hard and hit his back on a rock. Later that day, a Russian boy, about six years old, walking with his family, fell over in the dirt and cut his hands. The number of accidents and fatalities, vehicle and pedestrian, that have been caused by this woeful construction project would probably shock us all.
Ok, we’ve built the kerbs. All we need now is a pavement and a road.
Digging deep for a better road in the future. Hopefully.
Contact us at pattayafocus@gmail.com
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Fun Town’s most vibrant
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Fun Town’s most vibrant
THE THANKSGIVING IN MAY: I recently paid a visit to Rich Man Poor Man on Jomtien Soi 9 (Tel: 038 233 414). The smallish eatery is part of a guest house of the same name. As the owner is American, the accent here is on American food, with nice doses of Italian and Mexican as well. Specials are offered on various nights, such as seafood on Monday; grill night on Wednesday and Saturday, including salad bar, and an all-you-caneat hot and cold buffet on Friday from 3 pm to 6 pm. Sunday is when they do their roasts (starting at noon); and on the Sunday we visited, they were offering a roast turkey dinner, with all the trimmings, for 300 baht. The plate included a generous portion of juicy turkey, asparagus, cooked carrots, genuine mashed potatoes, yams and cranberry sauce. This was real comfort food and quite satisfying. The large menu offers all kinds of sandwiches, burgers and pizzas, as well as, various platters. They also serve breakfast. On a previous visit, I tried the chicken parmigian (185 baht) and enjoyed it immensely.
FRUGAL GOURMAND
Turkey dinner at Rich Man Poor Man So, whether you’re rich or poor give this place a try. They also organize golf outings for golfing enthusiasts. You Don’t Have to Be…: To paraphrase an old Levy’s Real Jewish Rye Bread ad, you don’t have to be gay to enjoy Street Life, located in Boyz Town (Pattayaland Soi 3), and formerly known as the Amor Restaurant. It’s now a New York-style deli, a wine bar, and an
art gallery. A New York-style corned beef or pastrami sandwich (200 grams) will set you back 290 baht and comes with coleslaw and a piece of pickle. You can get a half sandwich for 170 baht. I’ve tried their corned beef sandwich several times and enjoyed it very much. It’s the closest you’ll come in Pattaya to the New York deli experience. They
also offer a variety of other types of sandwiches, on your choice of bread, including Jewish rye, such as turkey, salami and prosciutto. They even have bagels with lox and cream cheese. For those who want a more substantial meal, Street Life also has an extensive selection of hot items, many from the former Amor Restaurant. These include a variety of pastas in the 200-300-baht range; several lamb and beef items, including Australian T-bone at 650 baht; and quite a few chicken, pork and fish dishes. Wiener schnitzel is offered at 250 baht. If you still have room, indulge in one of their fabulous desserts, such as their sinful carrot cake or one of their ‘crumbles.’ You can really pig out and get your sweets a la mode. While you’re enjoying your meal and/or a glass of wine, you can admire the fine art displayed on the walls. The artwork is for sale. On their web site, www.streetlifepattaya.com, you can preview the pieces of art and read biographies of the artists. They’re open every day from 3 pm to midnight.
If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com
Coffee Art
Royal Garden Plaza recently held a Thailand International Coffee and Bakery Exhibition for exotic coffees from around the world, which also featured coffee-related paraphernalia, delicious confectionary and all manner of coffee-making gadgetry. There was also a tasting of the top ten most expensive coffees in the world. The ground floor was filled with wonderful coffee aromas, and our photographer was interested to see the before and after of this work of art, being lovingly created out of different types of coffee beans.
Elvis hasn’t left the building, he’s above it
The popularity of American singer Elvis Presley, who died in 1977, appears undiminished, at least in Pattaya. The Zab Bar, situated on the bayside at the northern entrance to Walking Street boasts a rather large photo billboard of the man who was once known as the ‘King of Rock n Roll’. In the more
than three decades since Presley died an entire growth industry has emerged in the form of people who try to impersonate Elvis. For some reason Asia spawns an incredible number of Elvis impersonators and at least one of them can be found cavorting about on stage at the Zab bar at about 11:15pm every night.
Elvis live at Zab Pub on Walking Street
16 Pattaya One
By James Barnes
Fun Town’s most vibrant
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
pattaya: One rainbow Innocence abroad
It was my second week in Thailand, and I was greener than a banana leaf. A brief but thrilling fling with a Thai guy in Europe had whetted my appetite for his homeland and the thought of another cold and dreary English winter propelled me to the airport with all the happy expectation of a kid at Christmas. Strolling through Pattaya, in an early afternoon mission of exploration, I was not yet acclimatised to the blistering tropical heat and blissfully unaware of the risqué reputation of the neighbourhood. The businesses preparing for another trading day, the sights, the sounds and the smells were as exciting and stimulating as the ready, radiant smiles, flashed in my direction, by an army of handsome young men. But the heat was getting to me too. An open-air bar offered a welcome oasis of refreshment so I perched on a barstool and ordered an orange juice. The character behind the counter was Thai, greeted the order with a stock smile and as I sipped and soaked up the surroundings, he spoke. First, the usual, harmless, queries
about origin and, “Where you stay?” All pleasant enough but then things took an ominous turn when a young boy materialised and began to caress and squeeze my thigh with a skill born from practise. But this was not a young man. It was a boy. Even as i brushed his hand away, it emerged that the barman was the father of this nine year old who was now being offered for me to take away, “He do everything, same you want- 1,000 baht”. I did not want. I nearly threw up. Stunned, I found myself, inexplicably, offering apologies. Panic threatened. The drinks bill was settled in a flustered flash and i quickly escaped into the bright sanctuary of the now welcome sunlight, leaving them both behind in that shady bar. However, they stayed in my memory. Maybe I should have gone to the authorities. Or burnt the place to the ground? This country was alien to me and this ‘child sex’ territory was a completely new world. To my shame, I did nothing. A decade on and things are changing for the better. Some
GAYMARCH Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com
soft Opening: A new beer bar, pour house, recently had their ‘soft opening.’ The bar is located on the middle soi of Jomtien Complex, across from Ganymede. About a half dozen cute waiter/hosts were on hand. The bar has pool tables; and i’m told it will have a stage to present various types of entertainment. As of press time, they will probably already have achieved their hard opening; although not too hard. This is not an ‘off bar’ and the waiter/hosts cannot be bar fined. The owner would like this to
The boys are waiting to serve you at Pour House. be a bar where people can relax and have a drink without being hassled. Is there room for a gay bar in Pattaya that doesn’t allow customers to ‘off’ staff? We’ll see.
New bar in Jomtien Complex
Over on Pattayaland Soi 1, coco, formerly a girlie bar, now features staff of the male variety. Recently, lots of cute young men were on hand to entertain customers. As
battles have been won but the war is not yet over. high profile cases have produced an awareness of the problem and an emergent, influential, Thai middle class are keen to keep their country clean and clear of paedophiles and those who profit from them. standing solidly behind them is a gay community, weary of being tarred by the guilty and ignorant brush that paints gay men ‘offenders’ by default. Some of this anti-gay attitude may be explained by simple syntax. The word ‘boy’ is commonly used by us all, but really that is not what we mean. The reference is actually to a young guy, normally in his twenties. There is a connotation, subliminal, that is comparable to the use of the same word ‘boy’ in the southern states of America, referring to a black servant- even if he is middle aged. A condescension that implies much to an outsider listening in who can all too easily draw the horribly wrong conclusion and reinforce a vile misconception. Simple vanity could be at play here too. I was secretly thrilled to be called ‘the boy’ by older gay
friends and even by my uncles! Unfortunately, the modern world is quick to jump on such innocence. In Thailand it is nothing to scoop up a young child and make a fuss of it or offer comfort if it is crying. Do the same in Europe and face the unpredictable panic of paranoid parents. There is no doubt the trading of children for sex is fuelled by poverty and now more Thais have more money than ever before. This helps. But the real answer is in legislation that allows Thai prosecutors the muscle to wield the law applicable in the country of the perpetrators origin. The power of the Internet, harnessed by those seeking to abuse, is now used to bring them to justice. The famous ‘swirly faced’ Swiss national that was literally undone by the authorities is but one example. Another case was successfully prosecuted as Human Trafficking. The big guns are not only out, but also firing a message that cannot and will not be ignored.
Soi 1 has about a dozen boy bars, this change seems to make sense. Across the street, the upstairs Jet set karaoke is now doing double duty as a go-go bar as well. I recently climbed the stairs at about 10 pm and found one boy and no customers on hand. However, as the addition of go-go dancers is quite new, the bar may need some time before people are aware of this change. You can sing your heart out and watch cute boys on the stage at the same time. Also upstairs, above X Boys, New dynamite go-go bar remains closed and is for sale. Does anyone want to buy a bar?
ten clad in sheer material rendering them almost naked; actually a pretty erotic effect.
Speaking of X Boys, the 22nd of each month seems to be when they have extra special shows. You know it’s a special night because they don’t accept their ‘viP” discount cards that evening. Last month they presented some new acts; erotic but not quite X-rated. There were some clever routines, including one that was reminiscent of the old ‘boy scout’ show presented years ago at the Adam’s Apple Bar, in Chiang Mai. However, instead of boy scouts, it was ‘soldiers’ who were being inspected; a prudent change, i’d say. Although there wasn’t full nudity this time, the guys were of-
James Barnes is editor-in-chief of OUT in Thailand magazine
Rear of the Year will be presented at The copa (Boyz Town-Pattayaland Soi 3) on Friday, 27 May. Admission will be 250 baht, which includes a drink and a 100-baht donation to the pattaya pride charity. First prize, for the contestant with the best butt, as judged by an esteemed panel, will be 8,000 baht. Stickers will be sold to paste on your favorite boy (or his rear, I suppose) and the most popular rear (as evidenced by the most stickers) will be awarded 3,000 baht. For more information, go to www.pattayapride.com; or to www.copapattaya.com. For the literate punter: Are you looking for a good book to read with your boys and beer? The Thais4Life charity has opened a branch of their bookstore at ganymede in Jomtien Complex. The second hand books can be purchased for 80 baht each. When you finish reading a book, you can return it for a 40 baht credit on your next purchase. The Thais4Life main bookshop is on Soi Yensabai Condotel, off Soi VC.
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
THAI Lite Old Is Okay By S. Tsow
Old age is a subject frequently dealt with on the health-and-fitness pages of major newspapers, and as a certified, card-carrrying Old Dork, I propose to present the definitive treatise on that weighty topic. When I was 40, I thought 50 was old. When I was 50, I thought 60 was old, and when I turned 60 I thought 70 was old. Now that I’m turning 73, I’m thinking that 70 is pretty youthful if you think about it, and old age doesn’t really kick in till you’re 80. “Old” gets older the older you get. Not wishing to boast, but I consider myself an expert on old age. I know there are people out there who are older than I am, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t many who are as senile. In fact, I consider myself the Dean of Senile Seniors in my neighborhood, and I’d like to point out to all you young whippersnappers out there some of the benefits of old age. But first let me dispose of some of the objections to that august state. Old people will moan that just about the time they thought they had everything figured out, their bodies started to fall apart. They’ll quote the late actor Jimmy Stewart, who said, “After 70, it’s patch, patch, patch.” Well, hey. Your body was MEANT to fall apart. That’s the way
life is. If you didn’t know that, you didn’t have everything figured out after all. So stop whining and get with the program, people. When your body starts to fall apart, follow the Jimmy Stewart prescription and patch, patch, patch. Some people worry about wrinkles. There’s a way to beat wrinkles, and with the cunning born of old age I’ve mastered it. Get fat. Fat smoothes out the wrinkles. People won’t notice your wrinkles, they’ll notice the fat. They won’t say, “God, what a wrinkled old prune that old scarecrow is.” They’ll say, “God, what a fat old hog that old porkbelly is.” Given a choice between looking like Pruneface or Jabba the Hutt, I believe that most people would pick Jabba every time. Some people worry about being helpless in their old age. That can be a problem, and it’s one of the reasons I advocate bringing back slavery. If you have a slave, you don’t have to worry about being helpless. Your slave can do everything for you. Out of concern for the plight of the aged, I call upon the authorities to revive this venerable institution. Exactly what do you need help for when you’re old? Obviously you’ll need help to get food and go to the bathroom. But aside from those two most basic needs, you
really don’t have to do anything but sleep. Your slave can get your food for you and help you in the bathroom. For those touchie-feelie liberals who have moral objections to slavery, modern technology has thoughtfully provided a solution. Slaves will soon be obsolete, because we’ll have robots that can do everything they used to do. Buy yourself a robot when you get old, and your robot can help you to get on and off the toilet, clean you up afterwards, give you a bath whenever you start to stink, and perform a number of other invaluable personal functions. This is actually something to look forward to. I’m planning on buying a cute Japanese robot who will replicate a human female in every respect, except that she’ll keep her mouth shut, speak only when spoken to, obey my every command, leap to respond to my unspoken whims, and croon Japanese lullabies to me while I’m in the bathtub. Some people may complain that old age will prevent them from doing all the things they used to do— play football, dance the night away, go skiing and windsurfing and whatnot. Don’t worry about it. When you get old, you won’t feel like doing any of those things. Tsow’s First Law of Senility reads: “By the time you can’t do something, you won’t feel like doing it anyway.” That’s nature’s way of taking care of us in
Pattaya One 17 our dotage. Take me, for example. I used to love climbing mountains. Now I don’t even want to look at them. Climbing mountains is stupid. Once you get to the top you just have to climb down again. What’s the point of that? To see the view from the top? Buy a postcard of the view and look at the postcard. Because it’s there? That’s what George LeighMallory said when he was asked why he wanted to climb Mount Everest, and it’s the stupidest answer that ever made its way into the lexicon of popular sayings. The ocean is also there. Does that mean we have to swim it? The desert is also there. Does that mean we have to cross it? The tiger’s mouth is also there. Does that mean we have to stick our head into it? You will object that those who are young and adventurous are eager to perform such feats of derring-do. And that is precisely my point. Let the young and foolish exhaust themselves with pointless heroics if they want to. When you’re old, all you’ll want to do is lie in bed and drool. Yes, elderly is excellent, senior is super, and old is okay. Especially when you consider the alternative, which is to be dead. S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when he’s trying to think of some of the benefits of being dead.
Where to find Pattaya One BEST supermarket, North Pattaya BIG C supermarkets, North and South Pattaya CARREFOUR supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODLAND supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODMART supermarket, Thappraya Road, Jomtien TOPS supermarket, Central Pattaya Road In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Road, Jomtien TESCO-LOTUS CONVENIENCE STORE, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION, North Pattaya Road PATTAYA FLOATING MARKET, Sukhumvit Road, Jomtien ASIA BOOKS/BOOKAZINE, (five locations: Carrefour, Royal Garden Plaza, Jomtien, Big C North Pattaya and Central Festival Center) SE-ED Bookshops (17 locations, including: Carrefour, Tukcom, and Tesco-Lotus) ASIA BOOKS, Suvarnabhumi International airport (seven outlets) Free on-line at: www.pattayaone.net (as a free download in PDF format) To make sure you NEVER MISS a single issue, subscribe to Pattaya One online at the above website address. It’s FREE: just supply your name and an email address and we will send you each new issue as it’s published. FREE (previous issue) with any NICK the PIZZA HOME DELIVERY order
18 Pattaya One
Fun Town’s most vibrant
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Pattaya One 19
20 Pattaya One
MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE
2 May 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 07 Mar 14 Mar 21 Mar 28 Mar 04 Apr 25 Apr 02 May 09 May 16 May Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points
1 PALMERS 2 CHEERS 3 OFFSHORE BAR 4 BOWLING GREEN 5 THE LONDONER 6 NERVOUS WRECK 7 RISING SUN 8 NOM'S BAR 9 W. TANKIE
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
90 12 81 12 84 10 74 4 78 7 79 8 76 7 85 12 86 10 82 10 80 10 67 5 76 6 82 7 78 7 72 3 81 12 78 8 90 12 78 7 76 6 69 6 60 2 70 3 84 12 77 7 67 5 65 4 66 2 80 8 76 6 77 8 76 6 84 8 64 2 74 4 62 3 78 8 78 6 76 4 69 2 58 2 63 3 78 6 74 3
Percentage correct by round this Geog. week. 72.2%
Sport
76 72 72 69 78 75 47 65 59
10 7 7 5 12 8 2 4 3
84 80 89 77 79 79 50 65 66
567 560 544 545 516 509 474 498 467
10 8 12 5 7 7 2 3 4
History Movies Science Reading General
All
63.5% 73.0% 73.0% 69.8% 77.8% 88.9% 74.3%
65 62 54 52 48 41 34 32 23
Average Team Total: 74.3
R1Q6: Q: Which two London Boroughs begin with the letter "E"? A: Ealing and Enfield. Both Nom's and Rising Sun appealed for Edmonton. Edmonton is not a London Borough, but an area of London within the Borough of Enfield (info from Wikipedia). Appeals denied. R2Q5: Q: In which sport did Marcus Gronholm achieve world championship status? A: Motor Rallying. Palmers were marked wrong for Rallying. From Wikipedia: Rallying, also known as rally racing, is a form of auto racing that takes place on public or private roads with modified production or specially built road-legal cars. Rallying is correct.
WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE 1 SHAGWELL MANSION 2 BOWLING GREEN 3 PALMERS 4 OFFSHORE 5 CHEERS 6 RISING SUN 7 NERVOUS WRECK 8 THE LONDONER 9 W. TANKIE 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER
28 25 25 23 21 24 19 21 20 12 12
3 1 3 3 3 1 1 3 1 3 1
Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com
R4Q6: Q: In the original "Incredible Hulk" TV series, who played The Hulk. A: Lou Ferrigno. Nom's appealed for Bill Bixby. According to Wikipedia, Bixby played Hulk's alter ego Dr. David Banner. I cannot accept Nom's answer. R5Q3: Q: If your Wassermann test came up positive, what would you be suffering from? A: Syphilis. Cheers appealed for VD and Palmers for STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease). From Wikipedia: The Wassermann test or Wassermann reaction is an antibody test for syphilis. VD or STD is a much wider term than syphilis (includes NSU, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, genital warts etc.), so I cannot accept those answers.
Results for 4th May 2011
B/F 16 Mar 23 Mar 30 Mar 06 Apr 27 Apr 04 May 11 May 18 May 25 May Total
3 3 3 2 2 1 3 1 3 1 1
3 3 1 3 1 3 3 3 1 1 1
1 3 1 2 3 1 2 1 3 3 3
3 3 1 3 3 1 3 1 1 3 1
2 2 3 1 3 3 3 3 1 1 1
102 86 64 100 96 L
HOME Palmers Queen Victoria Rising Sun Shagwell Mansion W. Tankie Bye
43 40 37 37 36 34 34 33 30 24 20 AWAY Offshore Cheers The Bunker Bowling Green The Londoner Nervous Wreck
96 92 60 100 100 W
R4Q2 Q: If a picture is painted monochromatically, how is it painted? A: In black and white. Several teams appealed for "In a single colour". From Wikipedia: For an image, the term monochrome is usually taken to mean the same as black and white or, more likely, grayscale, but may also be used to refer to other combinations containing only tones of a single color. Appeal upheld - 2 points to Shagwell, Londoner, Queen Victoria and Cheers.
Next week's matches 16th May 2011: Cheers vs. Nom's, Nervous Wreck vs. Bowling Green, Rising Sun vs. Offshore, W. Tankie vs. Londoner, Palmers.
QUIZ
Just for fun and to test your memory and knowledge. A good way to see whether Alzheimer’s might be a concern here in God’s waiting room by the sea. Geography 1. In what year did North and South Yemen merge to form the single nation of Yemen? 2. James Bay is part of what major body of water? 3. Which country shares its borders with Panama and Nicaragua? 4. Port Blair is the principal town in what group of Indian Ocean islands? 5. What is the capital city of the US state of South Dakota? 6. Which city is more northerly: Edinburgh or Glasgow? 7. The Thai city of Hat Yai is in what province?
Answers: 1. 1990; 2. Hudson Bay, Canada; 3. Costa Rica; 4. Andaman Islands; 5. Pierre; 6. Edinburgh; 7. Songkhla.
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R5Q2 Q: What European Queen was already a widow at the age of 18? A: Mary, Queen of Scots. Bowling Green appealed for Catherine of Aragon. Before she married Henry VIII, Catherine married Arthur, Prince of Wales in 1501 at the age of 15. However Arthur died on April 2nd, 1502 when Catherine was 16. In 1509 she married Henry VIII, thus becoming Queen of England (info from Wikipedia). Catherine fits all the criteria of the question, therefore two points to Bowling Green.
Shagwell Mansion have informed me that they did deliver both sets of results sheets for the match played on April 6th, and that they, in fact, defeated Queen Victoria. It seems that the paper may have been mislaid at Palmers. If Queen Victoria can confirm that Shagwell did win, then I will happily revise the table. Ian.
Next week's matches May 18th 2011: Bowling Green vs. Bunker, Cheers vs. Shagwell, Londoner vs. Palmers, Queen Victoria vs. Nervous Wreck, Rising Sun vs. Offshore, W. Tankie bye.
sudoku answers
One Pattaya
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Pattaya One 21
Lovely Vacation I have just returned from a weeklong holiday in beautiful Sihanoukville, Cambodia, which, by the way, has changed enormously during the ten years I have been going there. The beachside town just keeps getting better and brighter. But this article is not about Sihanoukville but rather about some interesting close encounters I had while away from Pattaya. I travelled with a friend who was present at the time of these events so if you think I am making this up, I have a witness. My friend and I sat down at our favourite outdoor restaurant near Ochheuteal Beach just as the sun slipped below the horizon. It is a beautiful time of the evening and the small Khmer restaurant offers great ambiance and delicious food. It wasn’t long before I noticed one of the waitresses staring at me. At first I thought my fly was open, until I realized I was wearing shorts and there was no fly. Each time I caught her eye I would smile and she would smile broadly back. She had a nice body and pleasant face and I guessed she was in her early 30s. Every time I glanced in her direction she was staring at me and every time I looked like I needed another drink refill she would rush over to provide the service. Eventually, another waitress who
we knew from previous visits came over and told me, “She thinks you are lovely.” “Pardon?” “She likes you. She thinks you are lovely.” As my erstwhile friend contorted with laughter, I leaned back seductively in my chair. “Well mate,” I said, “you have finally seen the maestro at work. This happens to me often and I’m glad there is an eyewitness this time.” Now that her friend had let the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, she came over to our table and introduced herself. She repeated what the other waitress had passed on and added the fact I have a nice face and beautiful smile. Half blushing, I responded with my best Cary Grant pose and she became putty in my hands. The lady spoke very reasonable
English and sat with us for the rest of the evening, when she was not serving other customers. As we became better acquainted she admitted, “I’d like to have a boyfriend like you.” If that didn’t put my friend off his food then my tongue-in-cheek reply of, “Of course, darling; we’re a rare breed,” really made him nauseous. Next morning after aerobics class I ventured to the buffet breakfast provided by the hotel. I was comfortably seated enjoying my usual double decaf latte and light tofu organic salad when a large group of female European guests entered. All between the ages of 20 and 30, they descended on the buffet like a swarm of locusts, devouring everything in sight. A blonde caught my eye as being the least unattractive of the pride. I noticed her slicing herself some bread with a very sharp bread knife and she seemed to be really enjoying the task. Her energy suggested she was symbolically severing the tortured heads of boyfriends past who had failed to live up to her required standards of fealty and servitude. Then she said something to a male waiter who either didn’t hear her or understand. She repeated it loudly and slowly in heavily-accented English for everyone’s benefit. Something was not exactly to her liking so she let him know it with a European arrogance and pettiness that made me cringe. Keeping a subtle eye on her I soon realized she was the alpha
female of the group, even though she was certainly not the oldest. I made a quiet bet with myself that no man had ever had sex with her twice, because immediately after mating she devoured every one of them. That evening I donned my best t-shirt, splashed on some Eau de Benjamin Franklin and returned to the small Khmer restaurant with my friend as we had promised. (Note: Eau de Benjamin Franklin is my own invention – an aftershave that smells exactly like freshly-minted US$100 notes.) My sweet waitress was there, wearing a broad smile as I approached our usual table. While she fetched my first cold ale I thought about how strange life is. Back in Pattaya I am used to being an incredibly sexy man, but here on holiday I am simply “lovely”. Somehow, without the carnal connection it made a nice change. Had circumstances been different, in Europe I could have been enamoured with the blonde from the buffet who, I am certain, would have made my life as miserable as she possibly could. I suspect her idea of housework would be making sure the maid didn’t sneak a fiveminute nap during her 12-hour shift. But here in Southeast Asia I happily draw the attention of a different social set and it is nice to alternate between being incredibly sexy and lovely. That night at the restaurant my devoted waitress told me a lot more about herself and, of course, how handsome I was. Her question of how long I was staying had a familiar ring to it but I dismissed it as just making conversation. Then, just as we paid our bill she leaned down close to my ear and whispered, “I come with you to hotel? I stay with you tonight?” The sound of my dreams being shattered was deafening. I may have been in a different country but the reality that nothing really changes came and bit me with a savage passion. Whether it is ‘sexy’ or ‘lovely’, the description means ‘meal ticket’ and why should I pretend it is something else. Never mind; there are worse things in life. Beam me up, Scottie!
22 Pattaya One
Fun Town’s most vibrant
Our MAn In
By duncan stearn
PAttAYA
You Got a Load of Mail I am amazed at my popularity. I don’t want to make people reading this feel inadequate, but if i don’t open my email every day my inbox (such a maternally suggestive word I happen to think) seems to become overwhelmed. The only problem I have with this truly incredible popularity is i can’t quite remember who so many of my correspondents are, or how I know them, or where I know them from. And, a lot of them are women; and I like women, a lot. Most of these correspondents seem to know some amazingly intimate aspects about my personal situation and physical condition.
probably noted my Pattaya address and, having done their homework, figure i could well be a candidate for gender re-assignment surgery.
Let me give a few examples. you’d be amazed at the number of friendly people offering to help me extend the length, and occasionally the thickness, of my penis. How nice. Obviously, one of my former –sadly dissatisfied- female conquests has contacted places such as the Dr Josef Mengele Institute for Unusual Medical research (i think it’s in Argentina, or maybe Paraguay) and given them thorough information about my ‘condition’. not much you can do about genetics I always thought, but these e-mailers assure me I have the opportunity to possess a ‘weapon’ of amazing size if only i’ll part with a small monetary fortune.
i’ve never been to Africa and have only one friend who lives in the entire continent. Yet, and again I don’t want to make readers feel inadequate here, I receive mail from wives, sons, daughters, and business associates of sundry dictators, presidents, prime ministers -most overthrown or passed awayoffering me these amazing financial deals just for the use of my bank accounts. How popular is that? And the sums are phenomenal, with my expected share more than enough to purchase a couple of high-floor condos in some of these new luxury developments.
A couple of other friendly correspondents have offered to teach me, via the wonders of email, how to ‘last much longer’. i have to say I always thought my abilities in this area were quite adequate. After all, in Thailand’s steamy and humid weather it’s so easy to work up a lather of sweat in just a minute or two, even with the air-conditioning on full blast. Still others offer ways of increasing the volume of the end product of each and every nocturnal ‘happy ending’. sadly, the results so far have been disappointing. The Pamela Anderson Mammary Enlargement center in Los Angeles keeps sending me offers; pity these nice people are under the misguided impression I have a desire to change my sexual gender and turn into a female. of course, they’ve
The problem i have is finding time to answer all these nice people who send me emails. i find i’m spending literally hours a day replying to sandra (she’s ‘hot and horny’), ivana (she’s also ‘hot and horny’), natasha (she’s married she tells me, but is ‘hot and horny’), and savannah (she tells me she’s in the process of gender re-assignment surgery and hopes to remain ‘hot and horny’) among others.
There must be a dozen or more countries in Africa with millions of US dollars locked up in bank vaults. Think about this: from my little jottings and scribblings on a note-pad I can give you a practical idea of the value of the money just sitting idly waiting for release. Turned into Thai baht the money would equate to an astounding 10 million standard bar fines in the chrome pole palaces of Fun Town. now that’s one hell of a load to get off my tiny mind, let me tell you. Thinking about this, perhaps I should start taking up the kind offers of some of my e-mailing pals and think about purchasing the wherewithal to ‘last much longer’. After all, what’s a few thousand baht among friends when others are willing to part with literally millions just for the use of my bank account?
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16 A brilliant double act: For the first time in many years the diamond go-go (Soi Diamond) will be hosting a dance contest against an external opponent, in this case the popular iron club go-go (Walking Street). The action will take place on Sunday night 22 May, commencing at about 10:00 o’clock. There will then be a return match on Tuesday night 24 May inside Iron Club. Diamond has seen an almost complete turnover of wallet emptiers in recent months. Management have hosted a number of events in the den, which gets packed to the gunwales later rather than earlier in the night. On 7 May there was a White Party, followed a week later by a Black Party. On Wednesday night 18 May the den will host a Full Moon Party and on Saturday night 28 May there will be a Wet Tshirt Party. DJ Phil, one of the two regular turntable twirlers in Diamond, is arguably one of the better exponents of the art of playing deafening car alarm music in the chrome pole palaces of Fun Town. He certainly has the ability to keep the joint pumping into the wee small hours and has been at Diamond for more years than even he would probably care to remember. not sure he can recall many of them anyway. A great tragedy: As many people are aware, Shane Wheatley, the former owner of the New Living dolls 1 go-go (Walking Street), was tragically killed in a road accident in Kanchanaburi province on 25 April while on his way to attend the annual AnZAc Day Dawn service at hellfire Pass. The 53-year-old from Western Australia was a passenger in a minivan which collided with a truck. The Thai driver was also killed and a passenger, a fellow Australian, was severely injured. Regular readers of this column may recall I used the pseudonym Alan Ladd for Shane. Those who are old enough will draw the tenuous connection between his first name and the Hollywood actor Alan Ladd’s arguably most famous movie role. As most people are also aware, i don’t spend much time on chat forums, but I went onto the secret’s (www.pattayasecrets.com) website to see what people had to say about Shane. There were 90 replies at the time I logged in. The majority were of the simple RIP variety, others from close Australian friends. One British poster wrote: ‘I met Shane a few times and he went out of his way to help me out once. Sad news indeed. RIP mate.’ Another Brit added, ‘Very sad indeed, my first trip to Pattaya he came up to me in Living Dolls 1 and said he could see I was new to town and proceeded
Pattaya One 23
Fun Town’s most vibrant
n ghtmarch By duncan stearn
to take me out on a go-go crawl and show me the ropes, one of the nicest guys I have met in Pattaya. R.I.P.’ An American man penned, ‘I was completely devastated by this news! Truly in shock, as this was one of most kindest, humble man I had ever met!’ Another American wrote, ‘My brother and I met Shane on our 2nd trip. We spent a lot of our 2 weeks in LD1 . He was a great host and a cool guy.’ I think those four examples give a pretty good summary of Shane. My own dealings with him were always cordial and friendly, for he was indeed an extremely charming and genuinely nice person. He had his detractors as well, but they were very few and, in the main, stemmed primarily from poorly-constructed business dealings rather than some real character flaw. After all, none of us is perfect. The saddest part of this tragedy is that he leaves behind a couple of young children; the youngest will never remember him at all, while his son will only ever have fleeting memories of a doting father. To his young Thai-based family, his eldest son, Jason, and the rest of his family I can only add my own condolences. The world is a far poorer place for your untimely passing. seen and heard: A couple of Aussie guys, on a brief trip into Fun Town for a bit of rack and ruin, were impressed by a couple of dens of the chrome pole in and around Walking Street. One place they liked was What’s Up go-go (Soi 15). “All legs, legs, legs,” said one them. “But the girls wanted 2,000 baht just for the barfine, and drinks weren’t all that cheap either.” I guess that just about sums the place up. It looks good, the dancing damsels are a leggy bunch and many pretty easy on the optic nerve, but for an expat on a budget or even a visitor who’s also watching the shekels, it can get a bit pricey. I would guess the management of What’s Up made a conscious decision to reap the financial rewards over high season and make more than enough profit to see them comfortably through whatever kind of low season Pattaya experiences. Missing from the action: The Xzyte head-bangers auditorium (Third Road) has been closed for a little time now. Although nothing appears to be happening with the building itself, that is, there is no apparent renovation or refurbishment taking place, no one seems to
email: duncan@pattayaone.net
know what is planned for the site in the future. it’s far too valuable to simply lie idle, especially as there is quite a bit of vacant, unimproved land behind it. A couple of months back I was led to believe the Mirage go-go bar (Soi Diamond) would be brought back to life. My understanding was the French owner wanted to open up for trading again and sell the place as a going concern. He was definitely doing some print advertising stating the den was open for business. As at the time of going to press, the doors to Mirage are firmly shut, so I guess the re-opening plan was all just a…mirage. The Beavers go-go (Walking Street) has closed down, apparently because its lease has expired. I am aware that the rental agreement for the den was probably one of the cheapest deals in such a prime location in the city, so perhaps the new lease agreement wasn’t as attractive. Beavers opened in 2005. The dancing damsels have moved around the corner into Misty’s go-go (Soi 15), which can only be a positive for that chrome pole establishment. When is a go-go not quite a gogo? A strange den called Fantasy go-go has opened inside the new Simon Beer Bar complex on Walking Street, opposite Soi 14 (the street that leads to secrets). From what I understand, it only has dancers if there are customers. The wallet emptiers work in the beer boozer out front but will dive into the den and disport themselves of superfluous clothing in order to caress the chrome poles should punters turn up. It sounds like the business plan has been thought up
by a committee. For the gender-confused: The kitten club/Obsessions dual go-go, a part of the Penthouse Hotel on Pattayaland Soi 2, might be better named Confusion. If an unwary punter, fond of the distaff side of the mattress, wanders in one door (for the sake of argument let’s call it the ‘back’ door) he will likely be confronted by Amazonian types with gravelly voices. If he takes the front door then he will see a few ladies, but still be overwhelmed by the numbers of persons of the so-called third sex. i’m really not sure what the management are hoping to achieve in Kitten Club. On a recent visit I spotted about eight persons who were born as females and 200 others who could never pass a lie detector test if the questioner asked “do you now, or have you ever, sported the genital equivalent of meat and two veg?” Although it tries to pass itself off as two separate dens, that is, Kitten Club and Obsessions, it really is just one place. it’s nicely appointed, and draft amber fluid is the discount libation at 79 baht a glass. The staff are friendly enough, but the music, especially when the place only has a few customers, is far too loud. Given the fact the majority of enclosed bars in the three Pattayaland sois are now catering primarily to the gay trade, perhaps it would be better if the Penthouse management simply did away with the pretence and turn Kitten Club/Obsessions into a full-on ladyboy den, similar to stringfellows in Soi Yamato. piece of pith: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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24 Pattaya One
Fun Town’s most vibrant
16 - 31 May 2011 Issue 16
Travel Thailand & beyond
Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam The Vietnamese language was once described by Donald Wise -an English journalist who frequented the country for the Daily Mirror in the Vietnam War period- as “like listening to ducks fucking.” Can’t say as I disagree. The language was adapted to the Roman alphabet in 1627 by Alexandre de Rhodes, a French Catholic missionary.
By Duncan Stearn ‘There are some cities that burn into our consciousness the moment we arrive. Saigon in 1970 was such a place.’ So wrote British journalist Jon Swain in his book River of Time. Paris, for me and I think many others, is much the same, so perhaps it’s not surprising Saigon was once known by the epithet ‘Paris of the Orient’. By the time Swain arrived in 1970 the ‘Paris of the Orient’ was just that, an epithet. The American phase of the Vietnam War, which had begun in earnest in 1965, would be almost over less than three years after Swain’s arrival, but it is the ghosts of that historical presence now driving the tourist economy of this vibrant metropolis, officially renamed Ho Chi Minh City (HCMC) in July 1976 by the victorious North. Since rapprochement with the United States in the mid-1990s the economy, at least in the south, is now fuelled by market forces. The bones of Marx, Engels, and Ho Chi Minh are probably whirling in their respective graves and mausoleums; but now the dong (the unfortunately-named local currency) dominates the thoughts of the masses instead of interminable speeches denouncing Western imperialism and capitalism.
Arrival During the Vietnam War, Saigon’s Tan Son Nhat airport became the busiest in the world. In August 1964, Australian cameraman Neil Davis noted in a letter to his aunt, ‘Tan Son Nhat…is the busiest I’ve ever seen- hundreds of fighters, bombers, supply and transport planes- plus
1925-built Majestic Hotel
Traffic
Saigon traffic of course seven or eight major commercial airlines. Usually one can count ten or twelve aircraft in the air at any time, either just taken off or waiting to land.’ A new, modern airport and attendant facilities opened in early 2008, the old terminal is now just for domestic use. The men and women charged with inspecting passports of incoming travellers are friendly, smiling, and chatty as they stamp and initial the relevant pages. The taxi I hired from the airport was a yellow-coloured number that looked as though it could have been in service since before the fall of Saigon in 1975. It was comfortable enough, but I noticed the driver used his horn on average once every 20 seconds or so from the time we left the airport until my destination, a guesthouse in District 1, off Pham Ngu Lao Street. It wasn’t aggressive usage, just persistent. The narrow strip between Pham Ngu Lao and Bui Vien Street is the backpacker/guesthouse area, full of cheap accommodation, inexpensive restaurants, and trendy-looking bars. All around the area young backpackers can be seen day and night clutching Lonely Planet’s to their chests. As in Thailand, businesses encroach onto the pavement so pedestrians are compelled to walk on the street in some areas. The underground
entrepreneurial spirit is vibrant enough with touts whispering ‘massage’ and ‘marijuana’ and bars and massage parlours evident. Some of the bars in the popular tourist areas employ young ladies who appear more approachable than the average Vietnamese female. You can be pretty certain they have it in mind to help in the redistribution of wealth by offering services involving darkened rooms and well-used sleeping facilities. In 2005, Ho Chi Minh City was a low-rise but sprawling city with no 7-11’s, Family Marts or McDonald’s, although it had Ga Ran Kentucky (known to the rest of the fast food planet as KFC), and Lotteria, a 10-store McDonald’s by any other name, complete with red and gold livery. The vast majority of buildings did not exceed eight storeys, even around the Saigon River and the central areas of the city. There were some scattered high-rises in the west, but by my next visit just three years later HCMC was starting to work on copying the Bangkok skyline. The city remains a patchwork quilt of colours and architectural styles of all shapes and sizes reflecting its multitude of racial and religious influences: Chinese, Cambodian, French, American, Taoist, Buddhist, Christian.
Traffic in Asia is a favourite topic of most writers, simply because it exemplifies Darwinian theory: the domination of the biggest, and the survival of the fittest. No one argues with trucks and buses or large passenger vehicles in most Asian cities, whether they’re in the right or wrong according to what may pass for the Traffic Code. HCMC’s traffic is organised insanity. The place is home to literally thousands of motorbikes and these, along with four-wheeled vehicles, as well as pushbikes and cyclos, drive as though each and every one is protected by the patron saint of fools and optimists. In the side streets and laneways no one seems to come to a stop at a corner; they keep going and the number of near misses I witnessed ran into the dozens. On the main roads, the principle is pretty much the same, with the roundabouts really testing the nerves of unseasoned drivers and riders. In a four-wheeled or greater vehicle use of the horn appears compulsory, not in an aggressive ‘get-out-of-my-way-I’m-comingthrough’ manner, but more in the manner of ‘watch-out-I’m-behindyou-and-I’m-not-brilliant-withcombustion-engines’ fashion. For a pedestrian, the task of crossing a road appears, at worst, impossible, and at best, fraught with vehicular danger. Running with the bulls at Pamplona must be child’s play compared with crossing a HCMC boulevard. Yet locals seem to simply step off the kerb and walk through the on-coming maelstrom, emerging unscathed on the other side. I tried crossing busy intersections in the Vietnamese manner: clearly I survived otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this; the nightmares only come back when I stop smoking the happy weed.
Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.