Pattaya One Newspaper Issue 17

One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

inSide tHiS iSSUe:

20 Baht

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17 www.pattayaone.net

% local news % Value Meals % your Health % thai History

JUDgemenT Day DelayeD

did tHe eartH really MoVe in an inViSiBle Way?

By staff Writers

the search for fire, brimstone, and heavenly bodies. A couple suggested they had experienced something akin to the promised ‘rapture’ the previous evening, but this had taken place inside a drinking establishment on walking Street. The ‘rapture’ was aided by some eager young ladies of dubious morals and a few tumblers of alcoholic beverages.

No fire or brimstone could be discerned during much of Saturday, the closest our reporters saw was a street vendor whose chicken pieces appeared to have been charcoaled back to the Stone Age and a local householder who decided he would improve municipal beautification by setting fire to a clump of refuse at the

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Despite dire predictions by a United states-based fundamentalist christian organization forecasting the end of the world, saturday, 21 may came and went without much fanfare. although a volcano in iceland began spewing large amounts of ash into the heavens, which might have put the travel plans of a few thousand europeans into disarray, this was not quite what had been predicted by family radio, a self-styled Bible-based christian broadcasting ministry which claims to have no church affiliation, and suggested 21 may would be the Day of Judgement. our reporters were out early on the streets of Pattaya on 21 may (most coming home from a very late night and a little worse for wear) in

N I W O N We are pleased to announce that as of 1 June issue (number 17) you can find your copy of Pattaya One in most 7:11 convenience stores in the Pattaya and Jomtien areas.

02 Pattaya One

From page one

Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

Judgement Day Delayed

side of a minor road. Our reporters did stumble upon a number of heavenly bodies, all of them local females and wandering around shopping for trinkets and baubles in the major malls.

Sodom Tomorrow Of course, somewhere in a parallel universe, Saturday 21 May might well have proven to be Judgement Day, but for the inhabitants of the version of Earth on which we all live, not much appears to have changed. It seems that god, or the supreme being, or whatever is supposed to be out there, wasn’t getting with the Family Radio program. Perhaps the Internet connection wasn’t making it into the ether.

The Family Radio ministry, according to various stories available on websites, is run by 89-year-old Harold Camping. His Family Radio station has been operating since 1961 and in 1970 he published a Biblical Calendar of History which dated the world as beginning 13,025 years ago. He claimed the so-called Great Flood took place precisely 7,000 years ago.

He produced a book in which he claimed there was a strong likelihood the world would end on 6 September 1994. To have a bet each way, he did apparently note “the possibility…I could be wrong.” After he was indeed proved incorrect, although there may have been a few

showers in certain parts of the globe and more than a few people achieved what they might have termed ‘rapture’ in a series of entertainment venues in cities such as Las Vegas, Amsterdam, Hamburg, and Pattaya, Camping went back to the calendar drawing board.

His calculations are a hotchpotch of elements from lunar months, Jewish feast days, the Gregorian calendar, and possibly The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the more obscure novels of Barbara Cartland and a deck of cards.

After consulting his various calendars and spending a few late nights where he might not have been in bed before 8:00pm, Camping came up with a new set of predictions, with 21 May 2011 the new date for the end of time. The baht bus advertising stridently proclaimed, ‘the Bible guarantees it’.

Reporters from the Reuters news agency claimed the curtains were drawn at Camping’s home in California on 21 May and no-one answered the door. The following day he appeared

to face the public and was allegedly ‘flabbergasted’ that the promised ‘rapture’ had not taken place. Then, on 23 May, he said he had worked out what had gone wrong and claimed that indeed 21 May had been the day of rapture, only it was an “invisible judgement day.” He still insisted the world would come to an end on 21 October, as he originally predicted.

When asked whether he would be returning the money donated to his non-profit organization by those who thought he was right, Camping was allegedly quoted as saying, “We are not at the end. Why would we return it.”

There apparently is no truth in the suggestion that of his worldwide advertising campaign, the cost of promoting the end of the world on the baht buses in Pattaya was the straw that broke the financial camel’s back. It’s not known whether Camping will be funding another pre-end-of-the-world advertising campaign for the Pattaya baht buses prior to 21 October.

Judgement Day 21 May 2011 baht bus advertising

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

(another) helmet clampdown This time it’s serious. for now.

Developments in fun Town

Corner of Thappraya and Pratamnak Roads

Partly concealed small child, who was not wearing a helmet, was the reason her helmet-wearing father was stopped at this checkpoint. when our roving reporter first saw this sign he believed it was a 100% promise by the police that their officers would be wearing helmets when riding motorbikes in future.

Alas not so, but it is the next best thing – the promise of a clampdown on everyone else who rides a motorbike and who doesn’t wear a helmet on Pattaya’s roads.

No doubt this is in part motivated by the spiraling costs of treatment at Thai hospitals for victims of motorbike accidents where the riders and passengers have not worn helmets and who have been seriously injured as a result. only recently a child of three years old, together with his mother and eleven-year-old brother were badly injured in a single vehicle motorcycle accident in Jomtien, where no helmets were being worn. The three-year-old incurred serious facial injuries and will be scarred for life.

Pattaya One can only applaud this road safety clampdown and we have in fact seen it applied very recently at a checkpoint on South Pattaya road, when a helmet-wear-

recently Pattaya One was on hand to witness the felling of an ancient tree on the corner of Thappraya and Pratamnak roads (see 16-28 February 2011 edition) At the time we bemoaned the price of progress in Fun Town, but we were surprised to recently see the whole site next to where the tree once

stood has now been cleared of its motorbike repair shop, garage and other small retail units, affording views of a corner of Pattaya that have not been possible for many years.

The cleared site is quite large and we suspect a hotel will soon be erected on it, to cater to Pattaya’s booming mass tourist trade.

Political party signage defaced

Amazing Pattaya: Zero Tolerance ing father was stopped because his five-year-old child was on the motorbike without wearing a helmet.

The prime minister loses his head over the election Signs promoting the democrat Party and featuring a picture of current Thai Prime minister Abhisit Vejjajiva have been vandalized in many parts of Pattaya and its environs.

Along Sukhumvit road, close to the Ambassador City Hotel in Jomtien, at least 10 roadside signs had been defaced. In each case the head

of the Prime minister had been cut around and thrown on the grass close to the sign. The action was somewhat symbolic, a kind of ritual ‘dethroning’ of the incumbent in the run-up to the 3 July general election.

Local Democrat Party members and officials later went to Na-Jomtien police station to report the incident.

04 Pattaya One

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Pete’s Peregrinations

By Peter Lloyd

Great African Rift Valley As I said in my last column, I love my African visits, because I get to see some amazing natural sights that would otherwise just be names on a map.

On my way back from Tanzania, I crossed the great African Rift valley and managed to get a half decent shot of the sides of the valley and some of the valley floor, stretching

away into the distance (see above).

While I was in the bush in Tanzania, my brother and I went on a walk (there was a purpose to this; it wasn’t an aimless amble).

He had a new GPS and a compass and sort of knew the area.

It is lion-free I’m happy to say, but recently a large hyena, protecting its young, attacked and

killed a woman on her bike in the middle of the countryside in that area, so we walked a little warily.

Imagine my dismay when, after a couple of hours walking around in circles, with my brother busy consulting the GPS and the compass, he announced we were lost, and that he couldn’t understand the GPS readings!

Trusty Baobab Tree We ended up getting back to our truck successfully by using a low-tech orienteering method, of aiming at this trusty Baobab tree, miles in the distance, which had the added upside of giving me plenty of time to roundly abuse his navigational skills.

Do all Developing Countries have the same problems?

I think all emerging economies and developing countries in Africa and Asia have the same problems with massive, high-level corruption, which goes unchecked and unpunished.

When I was in Tanzania I was reminded of Thailand’s own corruption problems, although in Tanzania people seem to be genuinely sick of it, whereas in Thailand it seems to be tolerated,

whatever anyone in authority says when it suits them.

In Tanzania I was struck this time by the anger and frustration being expressed by people on the street, in hotels and bars about corruption and what it is doing to the country. Usually Tanzanians would not express these feelings to foreign visitors, but things seem to have become so intense there that

The end of the World ISN’T nigh Religious nutters of all stripes usually give any religion a bad name, but the zealots associated with the fundamentalist Christian Family Radio organization combined to score two spectacular own goals by making themselves look stupid (not too difficult) by predicting the end of the world, and discrediting the Bible into the bargain, by claiming the Bible “guaranteed” it.

It is a worrying commentary on human gullibility when some deluded morons can waste millions of dollars persuading naive people around the globe the End is Nigh.

I wouldn’t even write about it except they festooned baht buses in Pattaya with their ridiculous

many people were keen to bring it up with me.

Part of the problem is that there is not enough electricity in the country, nor any viable means of quickly doing something about it, and there have been some extremely corrupt scams run at a very high level, which have made electricity supply matters worse.

There are now daily power cuts

in Tanzania, and talk of imposing electricity rationing, so people will only have 6 hours of electricity per day, and 18 hours without.

Apart from the massive inconvenience to individuals and households, these power cuts are causing serious problems for the business community with layoffs, partial closing of plants, and they are also scaring off foreign investment.

See You in Court?

advertising, and of course, like any sane person, I laughed heartily when their predictions proved to be false, as any sane person could have told them it would have done beforehand.

I really object to this kind of advertising and believe it should be banned.

The money wasted on the Family Radio advertising would have been better spent on donations to orphanages and charities in the area rather than being squandered on this nonsense.

That would have been the genuinely Christian thing to do.

I had recently had a masterclass on the chicanery, loopholes, flaws, pitfalls, costs, upmanship and sheer time-consuming hassle, involved in bringing a civil and a criminal case in the Thai courts, by someone who is seeing the courts on both sides of serious business-related litigation.

Also recently I spoke to someone who was defrauded of title to many properties by a number of Thais acting in collusion. Even though seriously defrauded, in a scam that would have been exposed and prosecuted in the courts of the home countries of most people who do business here, the scammed party was strongly advised to drop his court case and reach a pathetic settlement, as proceeding with the

case would likely prove terminal to his life.

Even as a lawyer, and someone who loves to use the law as a tactical weapon, after listening to these two conversations, I thought: I hope I never have to fight my way through the Thai courts as either a plaintiff or a defendant.

It is costly, complex and spiritsapping, even if you win, which you probably won’t, especially if you have traditional vested interests ranged against you, unless you are well connected yourself, and even that is no guarantee, as both parties are then played off against each other, and milked to death by those they enlist to help.

Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com

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Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

Pedestrian traffic Lights (again) Sir, Can I ask your opinion on something?

The recently installed traffic lights usually don’t work, or they aren’t usually switched on, and when they are working nobody uses them, and no cars stop for them anyway, and the police don’t care about enforcing the red light rules and prosecuting motorists for not stopping.

This is yet another embarrassing mess, for which nobody takes responsibility.

Was this all a total waste of public money?

Pattaya is a joke.

Mark Jones by email Although you write ‘recently installed traffic lights’ we presume you are referring to the pedestrian lights. Some 43 of these were put into operation a few months ago, with grandiose

claims that the walking classes would somehow be safer attempting to do the ‘chicken thing’ and cross the road to the other side.

Empirical evidence suggests you are quite correct that many of the pedestrian crossing lights simply don’t work anymore. Cheap batteries or simply been turned off? Those lights that do work may well pose more of a danger to pedestrians than the faulty versions.

After all, a green light in the pedestrian’s favour will in no way guarantee vehicular traffic will come to a standstill.

As we have stated before, the chances are that at some point in the future someone will be crossing with the lights in their favour and be pole-axed by a vehicle that does not intend to stop, for anyone. What will then happen, will be that the vehicle driver will perform the traditional cultural method of leaving the

scene, at even greater speed. If someone does manage to get his/her numberplate, then maybe the relevant authorities will be able to track him/her down. Depending on the status and nationality of the offending driver vis-a-vis the deceased pedestrian, the possibilities will be that either money will be paid to the victim’s relatives to help with funeral expenses or the driver will be asked to try out for a fledgling Thai Formula One team.

Sadly, in much of Asia, and certainly Thailand and Pattaya, the pedestrian is viewed with a measure of contempt. There appears to be a sub-conscious belief that people who are walking any kind of distance (in Pattaya, this is further than 20 metres) must be financially insolvent. This means they are practically invisible to those who have vehicular transport.

The other man’s grass is always greener Sir, I read in your paper about the raid on a man who sold sex aids. In that raid, and others around town, I have seen that foreigners are used by the police to pretend to buy something and to set up the person the police are raiding.

What is the law on this? Is it legal?

And how can foreigners who allow themselves to be used like this against other foreign people trying to make a living here live with themselves?

I would do the decent thing if I was a Pattaya grass or a stool pigeon, out of deep shame.

BRITISH CONSULATE CLOSURE NOTICE Due to staff training, the British Consulate in Pattaya will be closed on Wednesday 8th June and Thursday 9th June. We will re-open for normal business on Friday 10th June.

Whilst we are closed please visit our website www.ukinthailand.fco.gov.uk for advice about the consular services we can help with. If you require Notarial services please contact the Consular Section of the British Embassy in Bangkok on 02 305 8333.

Our Bangkok staff will be able to advise you on the best way to submit your documents, based on your circumstances. However, please note that the British Embassy in Bangkok will also be closed for staff training on 9th June.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Yours sincerely, Name and address withheld.

Regarding the story to which you originally refer, we have an update on that in this issue.

Unfortunately, as with so many stories, the full facts are not always recorded correctly in the first instance. In that case, for example, no foreigner was used in an undercover capacity.

Nonetheless, there are quite a number of foreign individuals (some even run businesses here) who either willingly, or with some coercion, aid the local authorities in supposedly catching

One Pattaya

and removing miscreants or those engaged in allegedly illegal activities.

As to how some foreigners can allow themselves to be used in this fashion, we think, in some cases, it’s a simple attempt at survival.

The person may be wanted for illegal activities back in their homeland and due to a series of events find that they can avoid being deported by becoming, in your words, a ‘stool pigeon’.

This is an offensive term: most pigeons would be extremely embarrassed to be mentioned in the same breath as these people. A simple ‘stool’ may well be the better term.

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06 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Fire in street sign adds to night-time entertainment

An illuminated street sign on Walking Street in South Pattaya malfunctioned and led to a small fire as hundreds of foreign tourists enjoyed the sights and sounds of the street.

The sign above the Playboy tailor shop caught fire after a loud popping sound suggested to those who witnessed it that a short circuit within the light box had occurred.

Fire Fighters rushed to the location, however local shop owners had already used fire extinguishers to douse the small blaze.

Another sign, belonging to a discotheque on Walking Street was also damaged in the fire. No injuries were reported and customers 24hour suits were not going to be delayed.

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Counterfeit branded items confiscated The Mike Shopping Mall and Mike Department Store, in central and south Pattaya, were the target of a raid by police officers from the Suppression of Intellectual Property Unit.

More than 10,000 counterfeit branded items were impounded and 10 vendors were asked to accompany officers to the police station to be profiled.

The Mike shopping stores are well-known to both locals and tourists as places where vendors openly sell copies of shirts featuring well-known brands such as Lacoste, Adidas, Polo, Puma and Versace.

The raid unusually included offi-

cers from Angtong province, which is located north-west of Bangkok.

Perhaps they’re short of counterfeit branded items up that way. Police claimed they valued the haul at five million baht. On some of the side sois away from Mike shopping mall and other tourist areas the haul might only have been worth about two million baht.

have been involved in since I started has been successful. A couple of applications were initially refused by the visa officer at the British embassy, but were subsequently issued when we pointed out the visa officer’s decision may not have been entirely correct! We have also helped in several cases where people, who were not our customers initially, have been refused visas.

We have either assisted with their

appeal or made written representations to the Embassy.

All have been successful. On one occasion we even managed to help one applicant get her 10 year visa ban as an immigration offender removed.”

For further information about Visas Plus and the services they offer, simply refer to the advertisement on the front page of Pattaya One.

New Visa Agency Office Set to Open Visas Plus has announced they are in the process of opening a second office, to be located in Soi Buakhow.

Visas Plus is one of several visa agencies in the Pattaya area, but the only farang-staffed agency in Jomtien, with two British staff: Nick Gunning and Tony Martin.

There are also four Thai females on staff, namely, Ell, Aon, Baitoey and Boo. Nick Gunning, who came to work at Visas Plus from a management position in the UK, will head up the Soi Buakhow office.

Senior visa adviser Tony Martin told Pattaya One: “Our girls are all experienced in visa work, have good contacts in the immigration office, and just love arranging marriages for our customers! We enjoy our work, and have a great ‘family’ atmosphere in the office.”

Visas Plus has been in operation for 10 years. The main office is ideally situated, between the British Honorary Consulate and the Chonburi Immigration Office. In addition to visa services, they also have a translation service for such documents as marriage affirmations.

“We even do a complete marriage package, and can arrange everything from start to finish for your marriage plans, including going to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Bangkok to get your translations legalised. We can also assist in getting your extension of stay on grounds of retirement or marriage, even to study, or getting your new British passport.” Tony noted.

“Our main business is, of course, visas. The majority of our customers

wish to apply for visas for the UK, either to visit or to settle, but we are getting an increasing number of enquiries and applications for visas to go to Europe (Schengen area visas). We understand the arguments, both for and against, using visa agencies to obtain visas, but using an agent is, of course, a personal choice. We are happy to have a free consultation to see if an application is likely to succeed or not, and we are not afraid to decline an application if we think it will fail. We certainly don’t take your money and submit an application that we know will fail. Some of our prospective customers tell us they have been ‘guaranteed’ a visa by an agency. My response to that is that nobody, except the visa officer at the British Embassy, can make the decision, and nobody else can guarantee that a visa will be issued. I would challenge anyone to prove they can guarantee the issue of a visa,” Tony explained further.

Asked about his own qualifications, Tony said, “My own background in this area of work is 40 years in the UK Home Office, in immigration work at Heathrow, Gatwick and Portsmouth. I also worked as a visa officer in New Delhi and Kuala Lumpur. The last 10 years were spent overseas, still working for what is now the UKBA, but specialising in the detection of forged passports, forged visas, people trafficking and various other odds and ends. I started work with Visas Plus more than a year ago, and am happy to be able to say that every UK visa application that I

Foreigner attacked by large gang A 30-year-old Australian national sustained head injuries following an allegedly random attack by a gang of youths at an outdoor noodle shop on Sukhumvit Road in Jomtien.

The incident occurred at 5:30am on a Sunday and was witnessed by three friends of the victim. They had all spent the night on Walking Street.

On their way home, they stopped at the shop for some food.

Moments later a group of youths,

claimed to be up to 20 men in two cars and one pick-up truck, arrived at the shop and attacked the Australian. He managed to run into a toilet inside an apartment complex nearby to escape the assault. The victim claimed not to know any of the Thai attackers and was taken to hospital for treatment.

Police are unsure if they were given full details of the story but did attempt to catch members of the attacking gang, without success.

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Living Healthy in Pattaya

By Khun Dee

Mythconceptions Have your eyebrows stayed dark while the rest of your hair has turned gray? Do cuts seem to heal more slowly? Are you losing your hair? Your teeth?

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions and you are older than 45, physically inactive, or substantially overweight, you would be well advised to have a fasting-glucose test sooner rather than later.

While far from conclusive, all of the above factors indicate a higher risk of diabetes. Other risk factors include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, dark, thickened skin around the armpits or the neck, short legs in relation to your body, and, of course, a family history of diabetes.

About 300 million people worldwide suffer from diabetes. That number is rising rapidly as the world’s aging population becomes more sedentary and more obese. In turn, that will mean more incidents of heart disease, stroke, adult blindness, amputations of legs and feet, and even hearing loss.

Those are facts.

Now for the fiction. There are many misconceptions about diabetes.

Erroneous beliefs that may discourage some people from seeking diagnosis and treatment or may encourage

Diabetes

indifference toward symptoms. The following is intended to dispel illfounded notions.

The most flagrant misconception is that diabetes is not a serious condition. In fact, diabetes causes more deaths than breast cancer and AIDS combined.

People with type 2 diabetes--the most common form of the disease— often are not diagnosed for years because they may downplay their symptoms or attribute them to other causes. Familiarize yourself with the signs of diabetes. If you make frequent trips to the bathroom at night, or you experience extreme thirst, overwhelming fatigue, or blurry vision, ask your doctor, hospital or medical lab to test you for diabetes. An early diagnosis can help avoid serious complications.

Most of us have been warned since childhood that eating too much sugar causes diabetes. False.

It’s easy to see why people accept that most common myth. Because diabetes causes blood sugar to rise too high, many people make the assumption that eating too many sugary foods causes diabetes.

Type 1 diabetes is entirely due to destruction of insulin-producing cells in the pancreas by the immune system. Type 2 diabetes is caused by a combination of insulin resistance and inadequate insulin production.

While eating too many sugary foods may be a contributing factor, that’s only because consuming too much of any food type--from chocolate to cheeseburgers--can add weight.

And research clearly shows that obesity increases the risk of insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes.

One belief that may not be so widespread is that fructose is a safe sweetener. Fructose is a simple sugar found in fruits, vegetables, and honey, and it is low on the glycemic index, so it does not cause as much rise in blood glucose as does sugar (sucrose) or glucose. But some studies show that a diet high in fructose can raise levels of arteryclogging fats called triglycerides.

The American Diabetes Association advises against using fructose as an artificial sweetener, but do eat fruits, vegetables and honey.

And while you should avoid gaining weight, it must be noted that being fat does not mean you will develop type 2 diabetes. It is a risk factor, yes, as noted above. But just one of several risk factors; many overweight people never get the disease. Still, being obese—having a body mass index of 30 or more—is considered a major risk factor. The increase seen in diabetes diagnoses has coincided with an increase in obesity worldwide.

Another myth is that diabetics cannot eat normal food. Not true.

They need not follow a restricted

diet, though--like everyone else--they benefit from eating healthy foods that are lower in fat, calories and sugar, and higher in nutritional value.

Many believe that all diabetics require insulin. Wrong. While those with type 1 diabetes need insulin, type 2 diabetics generally do not.

They usually can keep their ailment under control for years through proper diet, exercise, and--in some cases--oral medicine.

The final misconception is that the disease is limited to older people. In our modern world, unfortunately, children as young as age 5 are diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. When youngsters were diagnosed 20 or 30 years ago, it was almost always with type 1 diabetes, also known as insulin-dependent diabetes. That is no longer true. Today’s parents must instill good health habits in children, and less time in front of the TV or playing video games.

Instead, encourage kids to be physically active, to eat less junk food, and to consume smaller portions.

Next issue: How to avoid--and maybe even reverse--diabetes.

Information provided herein is for the general information of readers and to help with patients’ consultation with their own physicians. It does not constitute a doctor-patient relationship, it is not a substitute for professional medical advice, and it should not be used for diagnosing or treating medical conditions.

Back from a foreign grave A woman has literally come back from the dead after her former husband assumed she had died some years ago.

In fact Khun Lamphun, aged 55, claims to be alive and her younger sister went to Banglamung police station to try and prove this fact.

The 36-year-old sister explained to police that her elder sister was married to a man in southern Thailand. Their marriage came to an end and Khun Lamphun then married a foreign man with the surname of Neugebauer, and he took her out of Thailand to live.

On 16 November 2007 the Thai ex-husband lost contact with Khun Lamphun and reported her as dead to police. Even though there was

apparently no official conformation from the foreign country, presumably Germany, of her demise, a death certificate was issued in Thailand in her name.

Recently Khun Lamphun returned to Thailand as she was suffering from thyroid problems and paralysis and was fitted with a breathing tube through her neck.

When she went to Banglamung Hospital to register herself, she was told she was dead and could therefore not register herself. Naturally, she took umbrage at being told she was already gone, so her younger sister took proof to the police to confirm she was alive and the death certificate should be cancelled. She also hopes to arrange for Khun

Lamphun to receive a new Thai ID Card. Police must investigate further to ensure they have the right person and will forward their findings to the local district office for their consideration.

I’m not dead. Just a little unwell

One Pattaya

NOW in

08 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Kris & Noi’s

Friends & Neighbours

Private

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Control Freak?

We own a high quality condo and a beautiful house in my wife’s village, but my wife, Pai, and I are having many arguments about money. Five years married and I’ve always dealt with anything financial. I pay all the bills and pay when out shopping at supermarkets or buying things like clothes. But Pai is upset, she says I should trust her as my wife, not like someone who just looks after the house and for sex. She wants a monthly pocket money, so that she can go shopping alone, buy things she wants without having to ask me for it. She is a good lady, but I have known too many men with Thai girlfriends or wives who have no idea about handling money and just spend it quickly on useless things.

She has a high standard of living with me, I think she should feel grateful and not complaining.

Luis Some people can get carried away when suddenly finding themselves with money to spare but, after five years, don’t you think it’s time to trust your wife a little? Certainly

she has a very good standard of living and lovely homes, but she is a bird in a gilded cage. She isn’t asking for much, just to be able to go out alone, with money in her purse—to stroll through a market looking for bargains, buy herself some clothes, toiletries, sit and have a coffee; in other words, have some freedom and independence. If you were to continue to handle all the main family finances, but allow her a decent sum to enable her to go out and about the shops at times, the arguments should stop; then you will both be happier.

Beach Bums When looking at the more adult web sites, I have noticed that some Bangkok expats are very disparaging towards Pattaya expats. I sometimes see comments about our poor dress sense and hooligan manners, and that we are such cheapskates that only low-quality and drab girls work in Pattaya, while their lovelier sisters remain in Bangkok to pander to expats of higher standing. whilst I agree that some of us do look for discounts when romancing the girls,

and some dress rather poorly, we are, after all, at the seaside not the city, and I think that our girls are just as lovely as the Bangkok belles.

But how odd to find class distinction practiced by sex mongers!

Ike Laudius Big-City dwellers often like to consider themselves as being superior to others. Although it’s true that Pattaya does play host to some farang clothing disasters and obnoxious yobs, and many punters do come here because the girls are cheaper, an evening spent prowling between Nana and Cowboy will show that Bangkok also has its share of dickheads, cheapos and slobs. As for the girls, Bangkok may well possess more exceptional good lookers, but Pattaya girls usually adopt a far friendlier attitude towards customers, both in bar and bed. Many a satisfied punter will tell you that the Pattaya princesses have a warmer manner and perform more wholeheartedly than some beautiful Bangkok icemaidens. Looks, just like size, aren’t always everything..

mother accused of providing her daughter for sex Tourist police arrested two people in connection with a prostitution service offering an underage girl for sexual services to foreigners. one of those arrested was the mother of a 14-year-old girl who was being sold to foreign customers for sex, in exchange for cash.

Officers from the Tourist police undercover unit, based in North Pattaya, were made aware of a woman who was attempting to sell sexual services to foreigners and claimed to be in a position where she could offer a 14-year-old girl to them in exchange for 1,500 Baht.

An undercover operation was set up, using the usual marked

bank notes. A 26-year-old female was arrested in the sting and the 14-year-old teenager was also detained, for her own safety.

The elder female claimed she had been told by the teenager’s 28-year-old mother, to bring her daughter to a customer, who was in fact working with the Tourist police. The mother, who lives in rayong Province, was asked to attend the police station and initially denied she was using her underage daughter as a prostitute. when pressed further, she confessed and claimed she needed money to pay for court costs relating to a case of suspected theft

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

of watches from a shop where she used to work at the royal Garden Plaza in South Pattaya. The mother said she thought her daughter could be used as a cash cow to obtain the necessary funds. Apparently this was the second time her daughter had been farmed out with the aim of having sex with a foreigner in exchange for monetary reward.

Sadly, it appears the teenager had been raped by a cousin when she was only nine years old and had then dropped out of school. Police arrested the 26-year-old procuring agent and were in the process of building a case against the mother.

I have wonderful neighbours, a Thai family, and we have become friends.

They speak reasonable English, and have helped me out whenever I couldn’t handle a problem, such as finding repair men, or dealing with Thai documents. Several times I have been invited in for food, and I also spend some evenings with them, chatting over a drink; they say it’s nice to be able to refresh their English-speaking. It’s so nice to have such friends, away from the usual expat social scene. As a thank you I wanted to take them out for a meal, but they said that, with the young children, they prefer to stay home as a family, and feel more relaxed at home anyway. Could you suggest another way to repay their kindness and friendship?

Dobbie you are repaying these people when you spend time speaking English with them. It is generally accepted that holding conversations in a casual environment, with a native speaker, improves foreign language skills better than in a formal atmosphere. In your case, not only does it help the parents to improve their speech, but also the young children will benefit by hearing English spoken regularly; they will become used to the sounds of English and eventually will also learn the meanings of the words. your friends would probably be pleased if you were to give little presents to the children at times; inexpensive items but things that children always enjoy, such as drawing or reading books and colouring pencils.

sex shop arrest update

In the last issue of Pattaya One (16-31 may 2011) we covered a story about an Immigration police raid on the Boutique Sexy shop on Third road and the arrest of its owner, a British national named Ian Hoskin.

Further information has come to light in relation to the original story. The raid was indeed carried out by Immigration police, but the officers were from Bangkok and not Pattaya. Although a foreign volunteer was apparently present for the raid, he had not been used in an undercover operation. while a number of foreigners do operate in an undercover capacity for Pattaya Immigration, on this occasion the foreign national was apparently brought down to act as an interpreter.

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Pattaya One 09

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya focus on ......

Thappraya Road Flooding For the last edition of the paper, the above photo and jocose caption was left out of our column for space reasons. However recently we got the answer to this very pertinent question by driving out in the middle of a heavy thunderstorm and cloudburst to find out how the new Thappraya road actually coped with a Pattaya-style rainstorm.

And the answer was: appallingly. on that drive we discovered the lack of adequate drainage is likely to cause road damage, flooding and traffic misery for many years to come, every time we have a rainstorm, in the Jomtien area.

This should have been foreseen by everyone involved with this road project.

Bear in mind, for the past 10 years, flooding has been one of the biggest infrastructure problems in Pattaya, along with lack of planning, budgetary ‘dieting’ on construction projects, abysmal road-building standards and very bad traffic.

Unfortunately, the new Thappraya road has just exacerbated these problems with its appallingly inadequate design, construction and drainage, as you will see.

Let’s face it, anyone unconnected with the project can see that

Pedestrian fording the Soi 5 River

By street stroller

Thappraya Road: “Hey Boss. Will these few, small grids be sufficient for a big road running downhill in the tropics, in the rainy season” ?. “Who cares”. this road is an utter shambles, and it has just made Pattaya’s flooding problems a lot worse than before it was even built, but we will look at those unintended consequences in the next edition.

We have to assume that whoever is responsible for the road genuinely believed that the inadequate drainage in place as the road runs steeply into Jomtien was a good idea, and also let’s assume everyone involved worked with best possible intentions, to their best of their abilities, in the best interests of the public good.

Stop laughing. Of course they

would.

Unfortunately in heavy rain the new section of the road is now a new river on the map of Jomtien.

It even has waterfall features where side roads join it at a steep angle. Outside the View Talay entrance is a water feature worthy of the front page of the National Geographic, giving Angel Falls in Venezuela a run for its money.

And the speed of water running into Soi 5 actually created rapids that a Nepalese river would be proud of.

The road from the Pratamnak Junction, heading towards Jomtien,

Even the central reservation vanished

White Water Rafting: Water barrelling at a fast rate into the Soi 5 River (severely disrupting access to the Immigration Office, post office and British Consular office).

now has very fast-flowing water channels on either side of the road, untroubled by its poor drainage.

It runs through the roadworks, past the Hanuman Statue (detouring to create a lake on the final stretch of Thappraya road towards the beach), and continues on, creating a deep and dangerous inland SEA between the Hanuman Statue and Jomtien market, making the road impassable to ordinary cars, for a considerable distance.

Just past Jomtien market, the road became totally impossible to drive along, even with a 4 wheel drive, as there was so much water on the road, and other vehicles had stalled up ahead. Everyone began reversing or U-turning, causing further chaos.

So can someone tell me how this road is supposed to help improve transport and flooding problems in Jomtien?

To add insult to injury, a couple of hours later, I drove along the same road and was amused/incensed to see: 1. major water damage to what is clearly an inadequatelybuilt, insufficiently-covered road surface; 2.

Two water trucks pumping water from the road as the water was not draining away through the inadequate (or , in parts, completely absent) drainage; 3.

The contractors had filled in all the terrible new potholes and bone-jarring, car-wrecking huge trenches - with SOIL! Had the road been built to an acceptable standard in the first place, these problems would never arise, and these absurd solutions would not be needed.

Car engine floods in the inland sea

Deep water, hidden holes and treacherously submerged spikes caused problems for motorists

Contact us at pattayafocus@gmail.com

10 Pattaya One

Thailand on a Shoestring

Fun Town’s most vibrant

ABOVE BAWD

IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop

A nice bit of cheap booze Being a naïve cove, I opened a topic on the Teakdoor website called “Thailand on a Shoe-string”, believing it to contain a treasure trove of helpful budget travel advice.

Alas, I was mistaken, but I was also much more enjoyably entertained.

SIAM SATO The thread kicked off with Somtamslap suggesting some helpful tips for those without a pot to piss in.

Firstly, let’s take care of the essentials. Although it put you in this situation in the first place, there’s still a hell of a lot to be said for alcohol.

At 25 baht for a large bottle and 15 for a small, Siam Sato (rice wine) will save your pennies and get you completely spannered for less than a quid.

Should you not have such a sweet tooth and your habit is a tad more demanding, then the next choice is a small bottle of Lau Kau (Rice Whiskey) and at 40 bt a pop, it is guaranteed to make you forget that you have f*cked up big style.

In fact, you’ll probably think you’re the most successful person on the planet.

Mix with a drop of strawberry fanta, as the locals do, to take away the pure chemical taste and it is a thoroughly drinkable beverage....

Bangyai commented: ‘ Chateau de 7/11 ‘ is the pick of the Satos. All the others I’ve tasted were worse. So sweet that you’d end up a diabetic by the time you’ve had a few bottles.

However, if you mix it with about 20% water and add a glass of Vodka to give it some kick (only 8 degrees neat ) then it is marginally improved.

Paul Barton tried to posh up a poor man’s thread with some delicious, internationally urbane cocktail tips…for Thai whisky.

Thai whisky isn’t that far off cheap Brazilian cachaça, only distilled from rice instead of sugar cane.

If you’re not too broke, for a few extra baht you can make a pretty convincing caipirinha with freshly squeezed lemon juice, sugar and crushed ice to taste.

Even better, spice it up with half a sweet tangerine when they’re in season, sugar and ice again.

Worryingly, he then slapped Thai whisky fans and fiends with a medical warning that definitely doesn’t come on the bottle: If you’re here for the duration, drinking rice whisky regularly will make you shake, then kill you.

Whether he meant ‘shake” as in a cocktail, the night terrors or a boozers’ ‘Gin Lane’ death throes, I wouldn’t like to guess.

NOT FINE DINING Somptamslap also offered readers some non fine-dining advice: Let’s make the best out of an incredibly bad situation. Sooner or later, the Siam Sato and Lau Kau will not be enough to sustain life, so you’ll have to bite the bullet and eat some food.

Although most food is relatively cheap in Thailand, you’ll want to be as thrifty as possible.

He went on to recommend cheap instant noodles with the knowledge of an afficionado.

Of the two different cheaper brands, ‘Mama’ and ‘Waiwai’, Mama is the far superior of the two, as it comes in a few different flavours whilst Waiwai is just one plain old taste; but this is reflected in the price.

Wai Wai at 5bt in comparison to the Mama, which sells at a whopping 6 bt.

Charitably concerned to vary the diet of poor foreigners, he suggested buying baskets of mackerel fish from local markets: A basket should go for 20 baht, depending on the size of the fish.

Light a fire to cook them over and indulge in a nip or two of the

Lau Kau while you’re eating. See? Not so bad after all, is it?

Note to self: kill myself first, before becoming a vagrant.

DRINKING PETROL Withnallstoke literally threw fuel on the fire with his cheap booze recommendation – to drink gasoline.

Perhaps he’s Russian: Lau Kau has priced itself out of the hardcore lowlife drinkers budget since the empties are worth nowt. Any skint boozer worth his salt, supps from the gasoline bottle.

Available from any good ma and pa shop, this beverage is openly displayed in quantities of roughly 1 litre, and comes in bottles as varied as Hong Thong and Regency. What’s more, it is acceptable to turn up on foot to purchase, under the ‘guise that you might have been riding a motorsai that has run out of petrol.

Petrol does, however, have one major drawback against its closest competitor. Petrol drinkers tend to forego the “talking in tongues fluent Burnambodia and dancing whilst grinning” stage, and instead just slump in a heap.

BEACH ROAD LADYBOYS Rascal brought it back to a Pattaya level with his query to Somtamslap: How about getting a blow job?

Is that next on your list of how to do’s or how to get?

In reply, Wefearourdespot was alarmingly able to supply detailed local knowledge of murky nocturnal goings-on on Beach Road: That will be a harder task. Now that the palms along Beach Road have been cut, it’s not easy anymore to get a quick BJ for 200 baht from a katoey.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT Simon43 personalised the discussion by relating his own sobering life experience and philosophical take on it:

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17 This is a great thread to read because I have experienced this type of living (except I preferred to drink Beer Chang, as opposed to the paint stripper).

The 5 baht noodles? Yes, been there, done that for several months after breaking up with my ex, and being somewhat destitute.

I still have a photo of me scooping out a tasty Mama pot to prove it. Bit of a change from my previous lifestyle in a $1 million house that I built in the UK! I’m back on track now. But living on/below the breadline for a while gives you a good perspective on life. I can’t say that I actually regret going through that experience.

Humbert hoped it never comes to this, while HollyGoodhead asked what about begging for food as a farang? Does that work in Thailand?

Humbert had seen a few desperate, farang wrecks begging, but not many. I think Immigration rounds them up.

OTHER CHEAP FOOD CHOICES For those looking for cheap fast food, Sabang suggested: The cheapest Hot Dog or burger at a 7:11 still allows you to heap on as much salad as you want from the small salad buffet - and it’s pretty fresh. Think of it as a budget ‘Sizzler’.

Dirtydog agreed: A 7:11 burger is no worse than McDonalds, and a 10th of the price. Pretty damn good I reckon.

HOW TO GET A JOB WHEN YOU’RE DOWN AND OUT And finally, Somtamslap was able to give good cheer to those of us who end up sleeping rough on the beach, our lives in tatters, destroyed by booze, with these encouraging words.

I met a chap not so long ago who’d been sleeping on the beach in Pattaya for a month. Funny as f*ck he was. He had a great tan too.

The sad thing was he came to the job interview where I met him, me being the interviewer, pissed out of his face. He’d added an M150 bottle of Lau Kau to his coffee, and I could smell it a mile away.

My office smelt like a pub by the time he left.

Needless to say, we employed him…..

All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net

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Pattaya One 15

Fun Town’s most vibrant

THE Great Steak Dinner that Won’t Bust Your Budget: My Thai friend and I recently dined at Mignon, on Thappraya Road, across from Jomtien Complex, near the Jomtien arch. (Open daily from 2 pm until 11 pm. Phone: 038 233 763) The nicely decorated restaurant offers al-fresco and indoor, air-conditioned seating.

Since my companion and I both enjoy red wine, we tried a carafe of the house red. At four glasses for 290 baht, it was a good value, and quite enjoyable. Delicious fresh bread and butter were brought to the table before we ordered.

The menu is not that extensive, but still manages to offer a variety of beef, lamb, pork, and pastas.

Appetizers include a variety of salads, soups and such items as mussels au gratin, smoked salmon, and lobster bisque.

In honor of this bistro’s name, I ordered the signature, filet mignon (315 baht). It came cooked as I had ordered it (medium), wrapped in bacon and topped with mushrooms. The beef was tender, juicy and very tasty. The steak was accompanied by French fries and

FRUGAL GOURMAND

Filet mignon at Mignon assorted vegetables.

My companion tried the spaghetti with shrimp (195 baht) and ate every last morsel. This is a Thai person who normally doesn’t like farang food. Although we didn’t order dessert, our server brought us two small dishes of vanilla ice cream; a nice touch. The total bill for two came to just under 800

baht, including the wine. If you haven’t tried it yet, I highly recommend a visit.

Another Breakfast Choice: Alto’s is located on Thappraya Road, across from Resident Garden/ Captain’s Corner. The smallish bistro has outdoor and indoor, air-conditioned seating. A friend

had recommended their breakfast and I wasn’t disappointed. Their regular breakfast, which includes two eggs, bacon, toast and coffee or tea, is an incredibly reasonable 55 baht. I tried the super breakfast (110 baht). It comes with two eggs, bacon, ham, sausages, fried tomatoes, mushrooms, fresh orange juice and tea/coffee. You have to be fairly hungry for this one. I couldn’t finish it; but my dogs were in for a treat with the leftover ham and sausage. As my friend didn’t want sausage, they gladly substituted extra bacon. They also have a variety of omelettes.

Alto’s offers a full menu featuring all kinds of sandwiches, baguettes, burgers and salads. They have a large variety of mains, including beef, chicken, pork, pasta, and fish. There are over 40 Thai dishes on the menu. So, your Thai friend will have no problem finding something to suit his or her taste. Most Western dishes are under 200 baht. Thai food is around 100 baht or less for most items. They’re open, daily, from 8 am until ‘late.’

Give them a try.

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com

Risque signs and Suspected thieves hostesses upsets local caught in Sri Racha official’s sister

In a clear indication that low season is upon us, the sister of one of Pattaya’s deputy mayor’s has just discovered a way of making a name for herself.

After more than 40 years as a destination which lives on the back of its night entertainment scene, the sister of the deputy mayor is upset that so many bars and nightclubs are able to put up what she considers revealing signs to try and promote their businesses. For some strange reason she was not upset at the city administration officials for giving permission for these allegedly risque signs to be erected.

She is also not pleased about the number of bar hostesses wearing skimpy and revealing outfits to try and entice customers into their places of employment. The deputy

mayor’s sister claims families coming on holidays are taking offence to the signs and the hostesses, even though she provided no concrete evidence of these alleged complaints. Anyway, she wants something done about it because the signs and hostesses do not conform to Thai culture. And the beat goes on.

What a shock. There are bars with girls in them in Pattaya

victims into using their ATM cards to remove money from their bank accounts.

Police discovered the pair were wanted in many provinces in Northern and Central Thailand where they had allegedly committed similar crimes. Both are now being held pending further enquiries.

A pair of suspected thieves, who reportedly drug and then rob their victims, were caught in a department store in Sriracha district.

The pair of females, aged 35 and 43, were arrested by police at the Robinson’s Department Store.

They had been recognized by two of their previous victims who then contacted police.

The two suspects are accused of somehow smothering their victims by way of a soporific drug.

Once this took effect they allegedly are able to convince their their

16 Pattaya One

By James Barnes

Fun Town’s most vibrant

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Pattaya: one rainbow a digital Miracle

The internet is a modern miracle that has transformed the way we live our lives. Shopping for clothes, planning our holidays and even booking cinema tickets are quick and easy, online. The wealth of research is but a swift Google away, social networking sites connect millions of ‘friends’ and, although I cannot fathom how, according to the news networks, Facebook and the like are now pivotal in the revolutions tagged, the Arab Spring.

Of course, the web has always been a font of pornography but now, it is being used increasingly to arrange real sexual encounters.

Gay romeo, Gaydar, Camfrog and Gay.com are the most popular ‘hook up’ sites here in Pattaya and certain bar owners have suggested that they are negatively affecting business. No off fees, no need to pay for booze, no need even to venture

out. The convenience of arranging trysts from the comfort of a hotel room and the prospect of saving a few baht threaten their businesses, they say. This is a myth.

Travellers are certainly used to digitally organising their sex lives back home but back home they don’t have go-go bars. The novelty of being away on holiday and going out to tour the bars, have a drink or three and selecting a cute guy from a stage will always beat the lonely pursuit of thrills on the net. There are so many disadvantages, online.

Your would-be amour needs to be trusted. Is the age on his online profile truthful? Is that moist young man displayed, showing a recent picture, or was it taken when he was young and lovely, fifteen years ago? Is it even him? reports of online beauty who knock on the door as beasts abound.

But, more importantly (even more important than beauty!), security is a real worry. If a guy is taken from a bar and causes a problem, at least the customer can go back there and have some recourse.

Internet connections have no security and there is no comeback if you find yourself hosting a thief- or worse. Violence has resulted from internet hook ups. The service provider has no more than a hotmail address to identify the perpetrator and will certainly disclaim all responsibility.

while the bars suffer a downturn, the massage spas report an increase in business. How can this be if the problem is online dating?

Those bars with fewer customers have to look to themselves for the answer to their woes. Are the drinks prices a rip off? Is the music being played too loud and there to

GAYmArCH many cases. well, I guess when everyone is working up a sweat; it’s unavoidable to some extent. For our purposes, we’ll stick to sleazy places, here in Sin City. rest assured, there are also plenty of these types of establishments to be found in Bangkok, as well. holiday Two, in Sunee Plaza, now closed for over a year, probably would have won first prize for sleaze. In this establishment, the boys had continuous ‘kite flying’ contests, with the winner

KRAZY DRAGON in Sunee Plaza taking whatever amount of baht the punters put in a hat. Also in Sunee Plaza, good Boys is pretty sleazy. The boys mostly sit on the stage, more or less exposed and will let customers fondle them for a small tip. They’ve also been known to spank the monkey on request. when you enter this place, you’re hit by the dankness. Air it out guys and use some disinfectant.

The boys at the upstairs Tom yum also let it all hang out and can be quite friendly when they sit with customers.

So, what’s under there, anyway

This month, OUT in Thailand magazine is launching the first ever national awards for the gay scene in Thailand. readers can go online at out-in-thailand.com and vote for their favourite gay businesses.

It will be interesting to see who the winners are when they are announced in January 2012 as those who vote with their feet can also vote with a finger click.

James Barnes is editor-in-chief of OUT in Thailand magazine www.out-in-thailand.com the boy a drink, you can bring him to the upstairs area, where semiprivate accommodations are provided for your intimate pleasure.

Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com

sleaZe PleaZe: There was a recent thread on Sawatdee forum (www.sawatdee-gay-thailand.com) about the sleaziest bars in Thailand. For their purposes, sleaze was defined as, more or less, places where the boys let it all hang out and get physical with the customers, right there in the bar, for a small fee. As a lover of sleazy bars, I thought I’d add my two satang worth. my only complaint or question is: why does sleazy have to be dirty? This is not the case with all of the sleazy haunts, but is true in

entertain the staff or the customers? Are the ‘shows’ old hat, boring and lacklustre? Could the place do with a facelift and are the lavatories clean? There are plenty of bars that are getting it right and they are the ones who enjoy a brisk trade.

happy Boys, on Soi Yensabai, is actually a clean and classy looking bar; but I’d still put it in the sleazy category. The boys dance in front of you on low tables, clad in very loose fitting loin cloths with nothing underneath. You’re welcome to touch the merchandise. If you buy

Under the same management, eros, adjacent to the marine Inn, at the end of Sunee Plaza, near Soi Yensabai, has dark and semiprivate corners where you can sit with your favorite boy a la Happy Boys. A recent visit revealed a large stable of young men on the go-go stage.

Krazy Dragon, in Sunee Plaza, as well, is also a table-top dancing establishment. The ‘dancers’ perform on high tables in front of the customers, seated on sofas. They boys generally wear very loose fitting boxers, affording the punters a view from the bottom. They’ll gladly kneel down to afford better access. For a small tip, customers can sample the goods. Drinks are only 99 baht at Krazy Dragon.

Jomtien Complex tends to be a little lower key and sedate; but that wasn’t always the case. rock hard, now closed for about two years, definitely fell into the sleazy category. They had an outdoor bar area; but inside is where all the shenanigans took place. with minimal privacy, the ‘dancers’ were happy to provide oral recitations right there on the sofas in the main bar. Ah, the good old days.

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Pattaya One 17

Fun Town’s most vibrant

THAI Lite

Happifying the Golden Land

By S. Tsow

Some time ago, the Bhutanese government decided to stop worrying about their Gross National Product (GNP) and focus on their people’s Gross National Happiness (GNH). This idea quickly spread to Thailand, and serious movers and shakers in the government are now thinking of establishing a Ministry of Happiness to promote the happiness of the Thai people.

To that end, they have brought over Dr. Joy Bliss, an American psychologist specializing in Happiness Studies, to advise them. I interviewed her in her luxurious suite at the Opulence Epicureana Resort: Welcome to Thailand, Dr. Bliss. How do you propose to increase the happiness of the Thai people?

Well, if every Thai citizen could enjoy a few days as a guest in a snazzy hotel like this at government expense, I think the National Happiness Quotient would increase significantly.

It would certainly increase the happiness of the average rice farmer from Sisaket. But where would the money come from?

We could borrow it from the funds frozen in the former prime minister’s many bank accounts.

But that raises a salient point.

My studies show that the average Thai’s Happiness Quotient varies

in direct proportion to his income.

Translation: If you want people to be happy, throw money at them.

Most people are happiest on payday. Women tend to be happiest when they’re shopping, and their husbands are happiest when they’re not. Both genders are unhappiest on the days when rent, mortgage, or car payments are due.

But I’ve heard that the Bhutanese found that money doesn’t correlate with happiness.

That may be true in Bhutan. This is Thailand. Most Thais still believe that money is God. Is there a scientific way of measuring happiness?

Oh, yes. We have a machine called a euphoriascope which can measure any individual’s Happiness Quotient at any given time. It covers a wide range of happiness-related emotions. At the top of the scale is Rapturous/Ecstatic. At the bottom is Miserable/Really Pissed Off. But after years of study, I find I’ve developed a sort of instinct for guessing when any given person is likely to be happiest.

Really? Can you guess when I’m happiest?

Yes. You’re happiest whenever you finish eating a large supersupreme pizza with extra cheese, multiple toppings, and heavy lashings of ketchup.

That’s amazing! How did

you know?

I noticed the stains on your shirt.

What advice are you planning to give the Thai government?

My research indicates that the National Happiness Index would soar if the government sponsored more lotteries, with bigger prizes.

Also, provide heavy subsidies to the rice farmers, eliminating middlemen.

Hold weekly raves at Sanam Luang.

Broadcast more Korean soap operas on TV, and show Academy Fantasia every day, all year long. Finally, have “no-pay” days at shopping malls.

“No-pay” days? You mean days when shoppers don’t have to pay for the things they buy?

That’s right. They just grab anything they want and walk away.

But isn’t that…looting?

Not on “no-pay” days.

Who’s going to pay for all that?

As I suggested before, judicious use of the frozen funds of the former prime minister constitute a powerful source of income that could make a lot of people very happy indeed.

It would certainly pay for lots of super-supreme pizzas with extra cheese and multiple toppings, not to mention those lavish lashings of ketchup.

Now, the current political situation is very tense. How would you turn it into a happy lovefest?

Thais have forgotten that sanuk is the bedrock of their culture. They need to stop being serious about politics and sanukify the national

mood. I understand they’re thinking about rewriting the constitution. So write in some provisions conducive to sanukification.

Alcohol consumption is currently prohibited on the eve of national elections. This is stupid and un-sanuk.

Require the entire populace to get drunk on every election eve. This will make them happy and greatly improve the choices they make the next day.

Whenever the red shirts and the yellow shirts hold their demonstrations, require them to play morlam music and dance in the streets.

Encourage food vendors to mingle with the demonstrators as they sing and dance. People will be so happy singing, dancing, and eating that they’ll forget what they’re demonstrating about.

Solve the political standoff between pro- and anti-Thaksin forces by inviting Thaksin to come back and be Minister Mentor to the government, just like Lee Kwan Yew in Singapore. The only condition will be that he must donate half his wealth to the national treasury and appear regularly on Academy Fantasia. Make sure he sings “My Way.” Finally, send free super-supreme pizzas with extra cheese and multiple toppings to hungry columnists on Saturday nights.

And don’t forget those lascivious lashings of ketchup.

S. Tsow can be flamed at s.tsow@ ymail.com, except when he’s trying to clean the pizza stains off his shirt.

Where to find Pattaya One BEST supermarket, North Pattaya BIG C supermarkets, North and South Pattaya CARREFOUR supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODLAND supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODMART supermarket, Thappraya Road, Jomtien TOPS supermarket, Central Pattaya Road In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Road, Jomtien TESCO-LOTUS CONVENIENCE STORE, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION, North Pattaya Road PATTAYA FLOATING MARKET, Sukhumvit Road, Jomtien ASIA BOOKS/BOOKAZINE, (five locations: Carrefour, Royal Garden Plaza, Jomtien, Big C North Pattaya and Central Festival Center) SE-ED Bookshops (17 locations, including: Carrefour, Tukcom, and Tesco-Lotus) ASIA BOOKS, Suvarnabhumi International airport (seven outlets)

Free on-line at:

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18 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 19

20 Pattaya One

16 May 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 07 Mar 14 Mar 21 Mar 28 Mar 04 Apr 25 Apr 02 May 16 May 23 May Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points

WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

90 12 81 12 84 10 74 4 78 7 79 8 76 7 85 12 86 10 82 10 80 10 67 5 76 6 82 7 78 7 72 3 81 12 78 8 90 12 78 7 76 6 69 6 60 2 70 3 84 12 77 7 67 5 65 4 66 2 80 8 74 4 62 3 78 8 78 6 76 4 76 6 77 8 76 6 84 8 64 2 69 2 58 2 63 3 78 6 74 3

1 SHAGWELL MANSION 2 BOWLING GREEN 3 OFFSHORE 4 PALMERS 5 CHEERS 6 THE LONDONER 7 NERVOUS WRECK 8 RISING SUN 9 W. TANKIE 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER

Percentage correct by round this Geog. week.

56.3%

Sport

History

76 72 72 69 78 75 65 47 59

10 7 7 5 12 8 4 2 3

84 80 89 77 79 79 65 50 66

10 8 12 5 7 7 3 2 4

88 74 81 67 76 76 70 66 59

Movies Science Reading General

655 634 625 612 592 585 568 540 526

12 6 10 4 8 8 5 3 2 All

69.8% 69.8% 74.6% 65.9% 91.3% 81.9% 73.0%

77 68 64 56 56 49 37 37 25

Average Team Total: 73.0

R1Q3: Q: What colour are French letter boxes? A: Yellow. Nervous Wreck appealed for indigo. I googled images of French letter boxes and they all appeared yellow to me. Appeal denied.

R2Q4: Q: In Australian rules football, what name is given to the equivalent of a kick off? A: The bounce. Palmers appealed for "Bounce Down" and Offshore for "Ball Up". From Wikipedia: Australian football begins after the first siren, the umpire bounces the ball on the ground, and the two ruckmen, battle for the ball in the air on its way back down. This is known as the ball-up. But from dictionary.com: bouncedown: Australian rules football: an occasion of restarting play by the umpire bouncing the ball. So bouncedown or ball-up are correct. Two points to Palmers and Offshore.

R4Q7: Q: In which film did Mick Jagger make his acting debut? A: Ned Kelly. Palmers, Londoner and Offshore appealed for Performance. Both films were released in 1970, but Performance was filmed two years earlier, and from Allrovi's review of Ned Kelly: In his second film role (following his closer-to-home turn in Performance), Mick just hasn't developed the acting chops.

Performance is the correct answer.Two points to Offshore, Cheers, Nom's, Londoner and Palmers. Two points deducted from Nervous Wreck, W. Tankie and Bowling Green.

R5Q3: Q: What name is given to the study and use of frequencies beyond the limits of human hearing? A: Ultrasonics. Bowling Green appealed for Ultraphonics. I'm sorry, this is not the correct term (though it is the name of an American rock band). Appeal denied.

R5Q4: Q: What two names of flowers would you find in an orchestra? A: Viola and Bugle. Rising Sun appealed for Trumpet, and Nom's complained that you wouldn't find a bugle in an orchestra. There are a group of flowers called Angel's Trumpets, so I will allow trumpet as an answer. In reply to Nom's: maybe a bugle would not be found in a classical orchestra, but it may be found in a jazz orchestra. So I am going to deny Nom's appeal, but they still gain a point as they put trumpet. So one point to Rising Sun, Nom's, W. Tankie and Nervous Wreck.

R5Q6: Q: What is the name of the white crystalline alkaloid derived from opium? A: Morphine. Nervous Wreck and Bowling Green appealed for Heroin. Heroin is synthesised from morphie which is derived from opium. So it is two steps removed from opium. Morphine is the correct answer R6Q6: Q: What colour are the French Michelin guides? A: Red. Palmers appealed for green. There are two different Michelin Guides, the red ones that reviews restaurants and hotels, and the green ones for general travel and tourism. Both red and green are correct. Two points to Palmers and Cheers.

R7Q4: Q: Black Velvet is a beer cocktail made out of which two products? A: Guinness and Champagne. Bowling Green and W. Tankie appealed for Guinness and Cider. From Wikipedia: When cider or perry is used in place of the more expensive champagne, it is known as a "Poor Man's Black Velvet". Appeal denied.

R7Q8: Q: What is the cheeselike food made of curdled soybean milk? A: Tofu. Rising Sun appealed for Bean Curd. From Wikipedia: Tofu or bean curd is a food made by coagulating soy milk. Two points to Rising Sun. For those that don't know, The matches that were held on May 9th had to be scrapped, as each team got a different set of questions! Those matches will be replayed on July 25th.

Next week's matches 30th May 2011: Bowling Green vs. Rising Sun, Londoner vs. Offshore, Nervous Wreck vs. Palmers, W. Tankie vs. Nom's, Cheers.

One Pattaya

QUIZ

Just for fun and to test your memory and knowledge.

A good way to see whether Alzheimer’s might be a concern here in God’s waiting room by the sea.

Sport 1. In 1932 which English batsman first broke Donald Bradman’s then world record highest individual innings score of 334 set in 1930?

2. Who is the only boxer to have won world titles at seven different weight classifications?

3. What nationality is champion speedway rider Jason Crump?

4. Yogi Berra was a famous player of what sport back in the 1950s?

5. At what Olympic Games did boxing first use four two-minute rounds to replace the old three three-minute rounds?

6. How many Rugby Union World Cup’s have taken place?

7. Who did Serena Williams defeat to win the 2010 Australian Open tennis title?

Results for 18th May 2011

B/F 16 Mar 23 Mar 30 Mar 06 Apr 27 Apr 04 May 11 May 18 May 25 May Total

28 25 23 25 21 21 19 24 20 12 12

3 1 3 3 3 3 1 1 1 3 1

Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com

3 3 2 3 2 1 3 1 3 1 1

3 3 3 1 1 3 3 3 1 1 1 L 100 108 84 82 L

3 3 2 1 3 1 2 1 3 1 3

3 3 3 1 3 1 3 1 1 3 1 HOME Bowling Green Cheers The Londoner Queen Victoria Rising Sun Bye

2 2 1 3 3 3 3 3 1 1 1

3 3 2 3 3 3 1 1 1 2 1

3 1 3 1 1 3 3 1 3 1 3

51 44 42 41 40 39 38 36 34 25 24

AWAY The Bunker Shagwell Mansion Palmers Nervous Wreck Offshore W. Tankie

W 112 104 100 100 W

R3Q2 Q: What non-mechanical sport achieves the highest speeds? A: Sky Diving. Palmers appealed for Pelota (Jai Alai), and Cheers for Luge, saying that sky diving used a plane, which is mechanical. I felt the question was badly worded, did it mean the highest speed for the human body, or for one of the components of the sport (e.g. the ball)? And what exactly does non-mechanical mean? Anyway, I will accept that the question means the speed of the human body, which in sky diving is around 122 mph.

No other sport approaches that speed, and a sky diver can jump from a balloon which is nonmechanical. Appeals denied.

R3Q7 Q: What number did Damon Hill carry on his car in both his first and second seasons for WilliamsRenault? A: 0. Palmers appealed for 1. From Wikipedia: Traditionally the reigning driver's world champion carries the number '1' on his car; his team-mate takes the number '2'. Because Mansell, the 1992 champion, was not racing in Formula One in 1993, his Williams team were given numbers '0' and '2'. As the junior partner to Prost, Hill took '0', the second man in Formula One history to do so, after Jody Scheckter in 1973. Appeal denied.

I did not receive the results sheet from the Bowling Green for their match against the Bunker. Bowling Green lose by default. Ian Next week's matches June 1st 2011: Bowling Green vs. Cheers, Bunker vs. W. Tankie, Londoner vs. Queen Victoria, Rising Sun vs. Nervous Wreck, Shagwell vs. Offshore, Palmers bye.

sudoku answers

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE 1 PALMERS 2 CHEERS 3 OFFSHORE BAR 4 BOWLING GREEN 5 THE LONDONER 6 NERVOUS WRECK 7 NOM'S BAR 8 RISING SUN 9 W. TANKIE

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

Fun Town’s most vibrant

1. Walter Hammond (336 not out against New Zealand in 1932) 2. Manny Pacquiao 3. Australian 4. Baseball 5. 2000; Sydney 6. Six (1987; 1991; 1995; 1999; 2003; 2007) 7. Justine Henin

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 21

Not My Fault I have a confession to make. My Australian ex-wife didn’t understand me. I don’t mean to be unkind because it was not her fault. It certainly wasn’t my fault either. It was just one of those ‘things’ between males and females that cannot be explained. For instance, on rare occasions I would come home in an inebriated state to find her waiting with arms folded and her foot tapping on the floor. When I asked the obvious question, “What?” she would reply with, “You are the only person I know who can go out for a ‘couple of beers’ with five dollars in his pocket and come home nine hours later as blind as an ant.”

Yes, it baffled me too, but at that point I was never in the mood or condition to argue or defend my actions. As I say, it was nobody’s fault.

I would go to my local watering hole for a quiet beer and, by total coincidence, a friend would show up.

Then another one would show up. I would politely explain I didn’t have a lot of funds and was only going to have one or two beers and then head home. Before I knew it, it was closing time and I scarcely knew where home was.

That was twenty-five years ago.

Now I am divorced and living in a different country but strangely, not a lot has changed. Last week I went

out for a quiet beer to my favourite Pattaya beer bar, the Boxing Roo on Third Road, arriving at about 5:30pm. Boxing Roo is an Aussie bar with great ambiance and a core of regulars always available for a chat.

On this occasion, I had arranged to meet a good friend to discuss his impending trip to the Philippines.

Because I have lived in the Philippines, my intention was to talk him out of it if possible. Whatever the outcome, I was only going to have one or two beers with him and the owner, another good mate of mine, then head back home to my beloved. The best laid plans of mice and men.

I realise now that I should have noticed it. Once my unwavering

Philippine-bound friend left I still had half a bottle of beer remaining. At that time there may have been only eight customers in the bar besides myself but before I had the chance to finish that ‘last beer’, the sedate, cordial and quiet social atmosphere changed. The first indication that the medication had kicked in was when the music went up a notch. Then somebody ‘rang the bell’. No sooner had I received my free beer than a falung friend grabbed one of the hostesses and whisked her onto a makeshift dance floor. Then another friend gave a more than willing consort the chance to jive with him. In no time at all there were four couples tripping the light fantastic.

It was an amusing sight; four middle-aged foreigners dancing 50’s style to late 70’s music with ladies who would not have been born until the late 80’s. I remarked to a friend that this would not happen back in Australia. For a start, the staff would be forbidden to fraternize or drink with the customers.

Secondly, they would probably be older than the customers. Even if the hostesses were younger, the guys would be frowned upon as being ‘dirty old men’. But here, everyone was having a good time.

The management was happy that the customers were happy. The customers were happy that the girls were happy. The girls were just happy but they probably didn’t

know why. And the music went up another notch just as a mysterious beer arrived in front of me.

Ok, thanks mate; I’ll finish this and still make it home by nine.

As it turned out, one of the customers was not Australian although he had spent many years in Australia. He was a Kiwi (from New Zealand). We Aussies love our Kiwi cousins, except when we play them in sport. In that regard, it was a real blast when he removed his shirt and took centre stage on the dance floor to perform the Haka.

For the uninitiated, the Haka is a Maori war dance, traditionally performed before a battle but, more recently, before a sporting contest.

Any Rugby Union fan will have seen the Haka performed many times by the New Zealand All Blacks.

I must admit, this was the first time I had seen the Haka performed live. And he did a very good job.

The crowd cheered and another mysterious beer arrived in front of me. Thanks, whoever you are; I can still make it home by ten.

The ‘dance floor’ then turned into a Haka school as two burly Aussies joined the Kiwi to learn all the moves. This was hilarious and camera flashes meant that the moment was recorded for posterity, or perhaps future blackmail opportunities. The three of them looked like the ‘after photo’ of a long since retired rugby forward pack. With the female Thai staff cheering these strange foreigners on, I hardly noticed the fresh beer being placed in front of me. Thanks again to my anonymous benefactor, but this will definitely have to be the last one if I am to make it home by eleven.

I arrived home at 2am in an inebriated state to find my beloved waiting with arms folded and her foot tapping on the floor. Before I could ask the obvious question, she announced in broken English, “You are the only person I know who can go out for a ‘couple of beers’ with five hundred baht in his pocket and come home nine hours later as blind as an ant.”

It’s a gift.

22 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

OUr MAN IN

By duncan stearn

PAttAYA

A Great Big Melting Pot As the statistics from the Tourism Authority of Thailand reveal, Pattaya attracts an incredible cross-section of visitors from the four corners of the globe. To help better understand the quirks and foibles of this diverse range of visitors the following is a brief snapshot of the most common arrivals, with their Latin classification in brackets. americans: (loudus noisiatum) These can be divided into those who were Vietnam vets; those who think they were Vietnam vets; grunts on a 24-hour intoxicationand-intercourse leave from the annual Cobra Gold exercises; and retirees refused entry to Florida. rarely mistaken for a Canadian. arabs: (horrendous armpitius) The dish-cloth and fan-belt brigade tend to wander about looking like an unmade bed, clutching worry beads while others discard their traditional camel-jockey attire and after dosing themselves on anabolic steroids hire the biggest and nosiest motorbikes they can find. australians: (beerium gutius) Usually announce their arrival in a beer bar by way of a stupendous belch. In certain parts of the Australian continent this expression of stomach gases serves the purpose of frightening the local wildlife, including man-eating crocodiles Sometimes mistaken for a New Zealander, which really annoys any genuine Kiwi. new Zealanders: (chippula shoulderous) Easily recognised by their tortured vowels and fondness for animals with woolly coats. Often mistaken for Australians. This causes them no end of angst. canadians: (mountium moosalot) Very often mistaken for Americans, tending to send them into a complete decline. They find a lot in common with New Zealanders. chinese: (herdius sheepus baaaa) Usually mistaken for Japanese and Koreans. Thankfully, local tour guides have limited their national habit of spitting on almost anything and everything at anytime and anywhere to hotel carpets, tour buses, karaoke bars, and sundry beggars. english: (whinus complainiti) Easily recognisable by their white football shirts with lions rampant; many are heavily tattooed, a throwback to Boadicea and the Iceni and the belief discolouring the body will keep them warm in winter. recognisable by the sort of teeth

only envisioned by orthodontists on LSD. french: (frogula leggium) Tend to stick within their own community and make aloofness an art form. regarded as having the best restaurants in town, they try to keep the riff-raff out by having their menus in French only. germans: (achtungi uberalus) Have a penchant for chunky gold chains, bright clothing, steroids, and munching on pig’s bums, usually, but not always, after the porker has expired. Have conquered most of Naklua but claim to have no further territorial ambitions. scandinavians: (vodkaius smashedium) most seem to wear a permanent smile which may be attributed to the fact they are very happy to come to a country with a daily average temperature around 100 degrees warmer than their homeland where they can drink an incredible amount of wood fermented spirit-based alcohol at prices one-quarter of the amount they’d been forking out back home.

Japanese: (karaokesingus strangulous painfullum) Tend to bend from the waist a lot, squint, and smile. Taking photos is a national pastime. indians: (currius munchus) The Pattaya variety are heavily engaged in travel agencies and the 24-hour suit trade. Brilliant at knocking up a sensational seersucker or crackerjack crimpolene number: an art lost to most rag traders in the West sometime around 1979. russians: (obnoxious wallius) Have all the charm and manners of a disabled nuclear reactor. Vendors seeking to offload mountains of garishly-coloured shirts and pyjama-style shorts as well as ridiculous hats welcome them with open arms.

Finally, the reason 99.98 percent of people first come to Pattaya and then keep coming back (the other 00.02 percent are just lost): Thai bar-girl: (coitus regulus remunerum) The greatest income re-distributor known to man. when they’re not sleeping, eating, watching television, or talking endlessly on their mobile phone, they’re thinking about sleeping, eating, watching television or ringing somebody on their mobile phone. due to their lack of interest in foreign nations they refer to all customers as ATm.

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17 Two to play: It’s that time of the year again for Aussie rugby league fans. In fact, for lovers of sport, from any nationality, the annual threegame State of origin series ranks as one of the truly great sporting contests held anywhere around the globe. The first of the three NSw vs Queensland State of origin matches has taken place (sadly won 16-12

by Queensland). whatever the result, all three games, even in a dead rubber, are fiercely contested. For atmosphere, one of the best places to watch the series is the Boxing roo beer boozer and sporting emporium on Third road (opposite Soi Lengkee). The joint will be busy and mine host, Uncle Kenny, will have the usual free food for punters and plenty of booze to keep those throats from getting too hoarse or dry. The roo has recruited a bevy of new hostesses to keep the fluids up to those who wish to maintain optimum fitness, although they are also available to help with physical relief for anyone who finds they have a little too much fluid in their system. Game two takes place on wednesday 8 June, kick-off at about 5:00pm.

Dive, dive, dive: Soi LK metro and its immediate environs is now well and truly a mini go-go bar ‘hub’, to use that favourite word of Thai politicians, both recent past and present. On Soi Buakhow proper is the well-established and deservedly popular club oasis, while LK metro now boasts a total of five dens of the chrome pole.

The most recent of these to open is submarine. It sent the periscope up in April and after giving it some time to go through its sea trials I thought I’d wander in and see how it’s settled down. The den is one of three operated by the same people in the soi, the others being m*a*s*h and The Office.

Submarine is probably the best in terms of sticking to a theme.

The entrance is over a steel grating and the front door is grey-painted and oval-shaped, just like a typical naval vessel. There is even a lip to step over to get into the den. That might be taking things a little far as I could see the odd inebriated punter forgetting to lift his feet sufficiently and tripping. Leaving in an unplanned head-first manoeuvre would not encourage repeat business.

The den is narrow, with five dancing tables stretched down the centre, and a girl on each shuffling about. The battleship grey paint theme and the wall fixtures make it look as though you have entered a real submarine, although the only periscopes likely to be in evidence will be hiding inside a pair of tight jeans or loose shorts.

There were about 15 dancing damsels, but most were overdressed. The sailor suit tops and skirts looked more like the swim-

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

N ghtmarch By duncan stearn

wear one might have seen on the beaches of manly and Bondi in about 1935. There were a couple of ladies who appeared to have mislaid their tops and certainly a handful of the damsels were quite attractive. The discounted thirst quencher is draft beer in small glass for 60 baht and, of course, the music is standard car alarm played at ear-damaging decibel level. how to win customers: An email from a reader, which I have reproduced below, should make it clear to any and all bar owners that bringing in freelancers to try and make your bar look busy and thereby increase your customer base could easily backfire if it’s not handled correctly.

Dear Nightmarch, you mentioned Sapphire Club in a recent column.

I went there with some mates last week and we bought drinks for some very pretty girls on the stage.

When we had bought them, and the drinks were brought, the girls disappeared faster than a teenage father in Isaan, returning just before we left the bar, when we made our feelings known.

We found out later they are contracted Coyote girls, who move around different bars, and who clearly don’t care about customer satisfaction in the bars they are then in, but operate a ruthless “buy me a drink (and watch me disappear)” policy at the expense of the goodwill of the bar.

There are many great girls who actually work for the bar in Sapphire, which is a good bar, and in future we will make sure we buy THEM a drink and not the greedy coyotes.

Alan from Manchester. sapphire club, situated in Soi 15, off walking Street, is apparently only one of a handful of places employing these so-called coyote dancers. Personally, I’ve found many coyote dancers to either have more attitude than a teenage rock star or they’ve taken up the short shorts with revealing shirt dancing caper to hide a multitude of physical sins from a wide beam to an overlined stomach.

It can take forever to build goodwill in a bar, and just a couple of selfish employees or, in this case, greedy freelancers, to severely damage that hard-fought reputation.

Jealousy, rivalry or someone with too much time on his hands? A number of places

email: duncan@pattayaone.net

recently received an email or two from a clearly annoyed foreigner who wanted to find a way of getting a fellow foreign bar manager arrested and/or deported. The manager, so the email claimed, was a British national working for one of the most successful dens in Fun Town.

The emails were leaked to more than a few people and the bar in question is now well aware of the name of the person trying to cause them trouble. The manager, as far as I’m aware, is not some closet kiddy fiddler with a bad case of syphilis, nor is he a major criminal on the run from the British authorities. Just why someone wants to bring him down is anybody’s guess, although the usual double of jealousy or rivalry could well be the cause. It could well be a champagne moment if the bar operators catch up with the snitch.

Turning defeat into Victory: down on Soi Lengkee there is a bar with a unique style of pool

table: circular, rather than rectangular. The bar is apparently French-owned and run and goes by the name le Trafalgar. Is it just me, or is there something a little incongruous about a Frenchoperated bar calling itself after a great British naval victory in which France was well and truly flogged?

It would be akin to an American opening a bar in Naklua and calling it the Kasserine Pass. a scatalogical Boozer: Along Soi Khao Talo, over on the Dark Side, a reasonably popular boozer called finn’s has apparently changed hands. Naturally, the new owner wants to give it a new name and so a very large Poo’s has now replaced Finn’s. I haven’t heard anybody refer to the new management as a pile of guano, and it still appears to be well-patronised.

Piece of Pith: The higher a monkey climbs, the more you can see of its arse.

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24 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 June 2011 Issue 17

Monarch abdicates and takes a swipe at an unelected government Just under three years after the relatively peaceful coup of June 1932 that turned Thailand (then called Siam) from an absolute to a constitutional monarchy, King Prajadhipok (Rama VII) abdicated.

The abdication was announced on 2 March 1935. The monarch, who had succeeded his elder brother in 1925, at the age of 32, had become increasingly unhappy with the way Siam was being run by the successful coup leaders.

Just over a week after his abdication, TIME magazine in the United States ran a feature on the announcement and the build up to it. Much of the following quotes from that article.

The piece began with a statement most long-time expats can relate to, even in the 21st century: ‘The difference between a Siamese and anybody else is that the Siamese takes things more easily…With the sublime vagueness of the true Siamese, His Majesty addressed his abdication to nobody, not to his Government which wished to keep him on the Throne, not to his people who have ever idolized him, finally not even to his Buddhist Gods.’

As the article noted, King Prajadhipok and his consort had been living in England for almost a year. What must surely have made the locals a little suspicious was the pair were using the pseudonym James J. Walker (hardly an Asiansounding cognomen) while renting a country estate called Knowle House.

Historical Feature

By Duncan Stearn

King Prajadhipok & Queen Bharni

Abdication Summoning the press to Knowle House on 2 March 1935 was His Majesty’s youthful secretary, who announced the abdication. Part of the statement of abdication read: When Phya Bahol and his associates seized power by military force on June 24, 1932, they invited

Compton House, Virginia Water. Prajadhipok’s last residence

me to remain as a constitutional king. I accepted the invitation on the understanding that Bahol and his associates would establish a constitution on the same lines as in all other countries with constitutional governments of that kind so the people would have a right to have a voice in administration and in matters of policy affecting the welfare of the people.

Owing to the fact that the promoters did not implement true political liberty to the people and the people had no opportunity of voicing their opinion before an important policy was undertaken, revolt broke out, involving civil war.

When I asked that the Constitution should be changed to conform to true democracy in order to satisfy the people, the Government and its party, which now hold complete power in their hands, refused. . . .

I am unable to agree that any party should carry on an administration in this way under cover of my name. . .

I hereby renounce all the rights I had been asking, but reserve all the rights I formerly enjoyed before my accession to the throne. I have no wish to exercise my right under the Succession Act to nominate my successor. I have no wish that any one should create any disturbance in the country on my behalf;

if any one should use my name in this connection it must be understood that it would be without my agreement, approval or support My deepest regret is that I no longer will be able to serve my people and my country. . . . I can but pray that Siam may have prosperity and that the Siamese people may have happiness.

As a reigning monarch, King Prajadhipok could never be interviewed. Now, having abdicated, his secretary agreed to let the throng of journalists onto the front lawn to ask the former Rama VII a few questions. According to the TIME correspondent, the now former King Prajadhipok was quoted as saying, “One thing I want to ask you…in what you are writing about me, please do not talk about the ‘brother of the moon’ or the ‘twenty-four umbrellas.’ I am not the moon’s brother. That is all bunk.

There is a nine-tiered umbrella in our Siamese ritual, but I have no idea who invented the titles usually ascribed to me. . .I like the English countryside. The Queen and I have done a lot of motoring. Perhaps we may take a holiday now. I admit I am feeling rather tired.”

From Thailand, the government sent emissaries to Lausanne in Switzerland to offer the throne to Prajadhipok’s 11-year-old nephew, Prince Ananda Mahidol. He would become King Rama VIII, although his mother was quoted as saying, “My son will accept the Throne of his country, if the Government does not require his presence in Siam until his health improves.”

The former King Prajadhipok lived out the remainder of his life in his beloved England, dying at the age of just 48 on 30 May 1941, at the height of the Second World War.

On a European tour in 1934 King Prajadhipok met German chancellor Adolf Hitler

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.