Pattaya One Issue 9

One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

20 Baht

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9 www.pattayaone.net

Who’s inside this issue:

The Money Shot

% Fool in Paradise % Nightmarch % Pete’s Peregrinations % Thai Lite

Jet Ski Scammers Emboldened Using new tactics to avoid police involvement a blight on the city.

After the encounter with three Iranians was over, and money had changed hands, our reporter spoke to Ali, one of the Iranian victims. He fumed, “The law is very bad, and these people are very bad. We have an innocent time on the water and have this bullshit problem for no reason. Very bad Pattaya. Not protecting the tourists.”

Our reporters watched as the jet-ski operators followed their standard modus operandi and went straight to the jet ski as it returned to the beach and were able to ‘discover’ some extremely minor damage, consisting of small scratches on paintwork, which did not seem to have possibly been caused by taking the boats into the bay, and using them only on the water.

RIDICULOUS SUM

interpreter. He sat with the scammers and negotiated on their behalf, before disappearing on his bike at the conclusion of the deal.

“We did not want to ruin the day by having the police come and we have to fight over 100,000 baht,” Ali stated. “Better to pay 4,000, but we should not have to pay anything at all.”

The amount the scammers demanded seemed to reflect the almost non-existent damage, but, perhaps feeling some recent heat from the police or City Hall, they have changed their negotiating tactics, in an effort to keep the police away from the scene of their crime.

AVOID POLICE STATION

Another tactic of the scammers is to The Iranians were asked for 4,000 baht for scare their victims with dire warnings the damage, a sum which would rise to ONE of what will happen to them if they go HUNDRED THOUSAND BAHT, with no discount, to the police station. if they involved the police in the proceedings.

Instead, the scammers called for a foreign turn to page 3

>

Three Iranian tourists and two Indian tourists were recently subjected to a new style of jet-ski scamming being perpetrated along Pattaya Beach Road, with both incidents unfolding under the eyes of Pattaya One reporters.

In what was the most serious of five scamming incidents to have occurred during three visits by our journalists to the area since our front page report in issue 5 (1-15 December 2010), three Iranians were bluffed into paying up without involving the police.

In a new twist to an old tale, the jet-ski operators have changed the way they deal with their victims, demanding relatively small amounts up front or claiming the amount will skyrocket if the ‘marks’ dare to involve the authorities.

In other shakedowns, the scammers and the non-police civil officials who first attend incidents, advise the tourists not to involve police, and not to go to the police station, because this will only add to their difficulties, advice which will rightly irritate those in Soi 9 who see these daily scams as

To advertise please contact Howard on 087 747 8555 or email: howard@pattayaone.net

02 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

German tourist Gargle of Beach claims to have been Road gambolers robbed at gunpoint gobbled up in police roundup

In a truly Amazing Thailand incident a German tourist claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint by two men who were wearing police volunteer uniforms one Friday evening. The incident occurred in Soi 7 off Thepprasit Road in Jomtien.

Mr. Michael Maslankowski, aged 43, called police to the scene of the alleged crime and told incredulous officers he just happened to be riding his motorbike along the road when he was stopped by the two men, who were both carrying guns and wearing uniforms consistent

Crying over spilt Euros

with those of Pattaya police volunteers.

He said the men ordered him to hand over cash and valuables.

The men must have thought all their Songkran’s had come at once when the German handed over 8,500 Euros (the equivalent of more than 300,000 baht) which he was reportedly carrying in the seat compartment. He said he was about to take the cash to a money exchange booth when the robbers just happened to be in the right place while he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The money belonged to his Danish friend who soon arrived to confirm the fact his Germanic mate had indeed been carrying this amount of money.

Back at Pattaya police station Mr. Maslankowski attempted to identify the two gunmen through the police volunteer records. No positive ID was made and the men were told the likelihood of the money being recovered was extremely slim. It is to be hoped they had travel insurance.

More than 20 persons who were seen to be loitering, and probably littering, along the Beach Road promenade in the very early hours of a mid-week morning were asked by a task force of police and police volunteers to accompany the officers back to the station for interrogation, profiling, and drug testing.

At the station the collection of individuals, most of whom turned out to be ladyboys, were asked to provide a urine sample. The end

I said assume the position and you go straight onto your knees

I had my mouth open and my hand like this when they pulled me off result was that three of the ladyboys tested positive to having recently ingested an illicit substance. One female, described simply as ‘an alien’ (although she didn’t look anything like something from another planet) also tested positive to having taken an illegal narcotic.

These four were arrested while the remainder were all profiled for the police files before being released so they could return to Beach Road in time for the morning rush hour.

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1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Scammers Emboldened From page one

Meanwhile, 2 minutes away......

In one scam involving Indians, including Deepak from New Delhi, the scammers demanded 90,000 baht, a figure which dropped to 22,000 baht for very minor damage.

Deepak, a travel agency director from India, had to call his New Delhi office from the beach. His office then called an agent in Pattaya to organise the police to turn up. The scammers and the civil officers had told him not to involve the police at all, and not to go to Soi 9 police station, as his problems would only get worse.

What kind of advice is that to be giving to tourists to Pattaya?

Unfortunately for Deepak, the attending police officer was the man made famous on the Internet, but in the end he agreed to pay 22,000 baht, rather than the original claim of 90,000 baht for the damage.

Deepak later told Pattaya One: “These people need to learn that this behaviour is unacceptable in a tourist city. It will drive away tourists from every country.’

The attending officer was then busy minutes later with two young Russians who were angry and uncompromising, and who DID insist on going to the police station with the jet ski hirer and the policeman.

All of the scams took place within five minutes walk of the area assigned to Marine police, near Central department store, but when the five scams went down, there were either no Marine police officers on duty, or, on one of the days, eight of them sat under cover on their chairs while the scams continued unchecked, metres away.

The Marine police sign advertised that they offered ‘dispute resolution’ but it is not known how they can mediate when other

officials have seemingly cornered the market in ‘mediation’ of jet ski scams.

It might in any case be better for the Marine police to patrol Beach Road rather than sit in one fixed location all day.

INTERNATIONAL SPOTLIGHT

While there has been no let-up in reports on international and local internet forums and in the local news media about the number and audacity of these scams, the same players are still in the game, and the same charade of fake negotiation is playing out every day under the coconut trees, with the same supporting actors, fake accomplices in uniform, and no real assistance from anyone in authority.

One Internet forum reported a major disturbance at the beach recently when yet another group of Iranian tourists decided to confront the gang of jet-ski operators who were demanding inflated amounts of money for damage. A large crowd of onlookers gathered, punches were traded and the situation threatened to get out of hand, before the police finally arrived to prevent a major incident of civil disorder.

On a recent visit to Pattaya, the British Charge D’Affaires raised the jet-ski scam issue with Pattaya’s mayor, such is the impact these incidents are having on the overall impression of the city. These ongoing incidents continue to undermine Pattaya City’s attempt to portray itself as a safe, family resort.

In fact, the daily scams on Beach Road are increasingly becoming a Pattaya tourist spectator sport,

as our reporters witnessed, when large crowds gathered to watch the incidents of shameless scamming of Russians, Indians and the aforementioned Iranians.

While the message does appear to be getting through to native English speakers: Americans, Brits, Australians and the like appear to be avoiding hiring jet-skis, the scammers are able to perform their shakedowns on unsuspecting Indians, Iranians, Russians and other Europeans who are probably not aware of the scope of the trade.

Pattaya One repeats its advice to readers to avoid hiring jet-skis in the town while the threat of assault

Pattaya One 03 and scamming is so high. We suggest tourists take a note of the tourist police telephone number (call 1155) and contact them if they get into difficulties on Pattaya beach or elsewhere in the city.

Jet-ski operators should carry insurance (but probably don’t; and even if they did they would probably factor the cost of this into their scam price). They should also be required to prominently display the telephone number of the Tourist Police at their hiring stations.

By Staff Writers

04 Pattaya One

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pete’s Peregrinations

By Peter Lloyd

High Season Street Dramas Continued In the two weeks of slightly less high season since my last column, my sightings of high season street dramas show no signs of let up.

I don’t know whether Pattaya is changing, or whether I have a finelydeveloped eye for trouble, but I am seeing it everywhere.

For instance one night recently a friend and I were walking into a bar on Walking Street when three Arabs were being thrown out for manhandling the girls.

The tallest of the Arabs, clearly drunk or drugged, squared up to one of the bouncers, threw him a moody chin and what must pass for a threatening glare on the streets of Tehran, but on Walking Street, it only resulted in the bouncer, about half his size, springing up to hit him.

The Iranian unwisely pushed the bouncer and was punched, hard.

He fell back, stumbled, then ran as fast as he could, chased down the road by the irate bouncer, having

Fire and Brimstone on Walking Street learned another basic but painful Pattaya lesson.

On another night on Walking Street I was looking at the huge crowd of free entertainment-gawkers those pathetic break dancing kids attract, baffled by what on earth people stop to watch them for (on second thoughts maybe they’re all Pattaya columnists thinking what I’m thinking), when a Turkish guy snaked through the crowd and, not content with sexually assaulting one girl, he grabbed the backsides of TWO of them before slipping away quickly, leaving two very angry young woman searching for him.

Later I saw him again, in a 7:11, and overheard his Turkish (I speak some, believe it or not).

Keeping with public sexual assaults, I saw an utterly disgusting sight on Beach Road up near Soi 2, one night. I saw a man standing

There’s a time and a place…..

Recently I was interested to see a mini-jet ski scam unfold as I strolled along Beach Road.

This one didn’t have knives, threats, fisticuffs, or mass brawls, but it did have something of interest.

As the usual uniformed policeman made a show of investigating the alleged damage, a victim of the scam, bought, opened and began slurping on a can of Heineken, even as the scam unfolded.

Talk about undermining your negotiating position at a critical juncture.

very close to a girl sitting in the shadows. I then realized he had his tackle out, almost in the face of the girl, and I thought he was being given some inappropriately public oral assistance.

Stuck between being an outraged resident, a voyeur and a columnist, I hung around so I could work out what exactly was going on. Eventually he clocked me, and walked off.

I went up to the girl and asked her what had happened, as she clearly wasn’t doing anything with him.

She said, angrily: “Arab man want show me his cock.” So he had indecently exposed himself and had been making love to himself inches away from her, on Beach Road.

Nice.

At 3:00am recently, as I bought a kebab in Marine Plaza (class act me), a group of four Arab guys came hurtling out of a nearby hotel, in

Baht Bus Embarrassment I was recently on a baht bus clutching a freshly-bought copy of Pattaya One, when an English guy next to me asked: “Is there anything good in that”?

Somewhat flustered, I said “yes” and proceeded to page-turn for him. He stopped at my column and said “Oh, so Peter Lloyd now writes in here does he?”

I should have said, “Yes he does, and I am he” but misplaced modesty, masking deep shame at my drivel momentarily prevented

An ill-advised beer

utter panic. Between them they carried the comatose body of a bar girl, which they hurled into a baht bus they flagged down, before speeding off into the night, presumably to the nearest emergency room.

How she had got into that state, who knows, but at least they stuck with her. I suspected a drug overdose, hence the sheer terror on these guys faces.

Moving back down to Walking Street and our Russian-speaking friends. Where do I start with them?

Recently, when a group of already-dead drunk Russians staggered into a bar I was in, roughly plonked themselves down next to me, and proceeded to glower in that drunkenly oafish way at everyone around them, and then ordered 12 tequilas between four of them, I drank up, paid my bill and left.

There is nothing pleasant about being near a drunken gang of anyone in Pattaya, and Russians are no exception.

I have seen three comatose Russians being “golf-carted” off Walking Street recently, and numerous shirtless, drunken confrontations involving Russian speakers around the town.

I have decided this level of unpleasant drunkenness is something I have to get used to, because this is the way Pattaya’s going. And it CAN get much worse, as the price of holidays in Thailand comes down, the Baht sinks against the Rouble, and the Russian economy recovers, allowing even poorer and ruder Russians to descend on Pattaya.

me, and the moment was lost.

I was then left to conduct the rest of the conversation with the guy from deep cover, as I extolled the virtues of the newspaper and its excellent (other) columnists.

Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

year of the cat Sir, My wife and I have lived in Pattaya for just over 4 years. We have been helping sick and abandoned cats for most of this time. We visit an animal shelter when we can to feed and administer basic medical care to over 50 cats and kittens. If there any that need more serious treatment we take them to an animal hospital here in Pattaya.

Some of them we bring to our home to recover from their various illnesses. We have 29 cats and kittens at our home at the present

and until recently we used to return them to the shelter when they were well enough.

However during the last year or so we have been trying to re-home some of them. We put up posters in shops and vet surgeries and have used free classified columns to advertise. This has resulted in us re-homing over 49 cats and kittens in 2010 and one this year so far.

We have a new website showing most of the cats that are available for adoption. Maybe you could check it out, the address is :- http://

cats4youinpattaya.webs.com/ We have attached a photo of “Minnie” a poor cat that we brought home from the shelter last week, she is now putting on a little weight and is responding well to some TLC. We especially need to find a home for her when she is well.

Please phone 0852875004.

Paul and Sandra by email Not quite the kind of feline companionship most people in Pattaya are looking for, but they do tend to

Minnie the moocher be cheaper on the wallet than their two-legged counterparts. What one should always keep in mind however is the adage that ‘dogs have owners, cats have staff’.

caught in the up position Sir, Thank you for publishing my last letter about police immunity from Thailand’s motorbike helmet laws in your last edition.

I have had another brush with the law in Pattaya, this time when I was caught up in a police raid on a short time bar in Soi 6 recently.

I was only praying that my young lady would see the error of her mischievous ways, when all hell broke loose downstairs - just as I was speaking in tongues upstairs.

The police came in and tested my urine for drugs (fortunately my medically prescribed erectile dys-

function medication didn’t show), and sent me on my way, but they took a note of my name and address.

I foolishly gave them my real name and address, and now I am worried that they may come round and make trouble for me, or some “fake police” may make problems for me as they seem to be doing all over the town recently.

Is that likely? Or should I stop worrying?

Han D Shandy By email This sounds more like a job for

Kris & Noi of the Private Posts column. We seriously doubt you’ll find a posse of the local plod camping out on your doorstep anytime soon. A lot of foreigners in Pattaya seem to fall into one of two camps. The first camp think the Thai law enforcement authorities are as thick as week-old molasses and couldn’t catch a cold let alone a criminal without recourse to a seeing eye dog. The second camp think the people in uniform are all lurking in dark alleys and trawling through trash cans in the hope of finding some incriminating evidence which can be used to relieve

any and all foreigners of whatever valuables they may possess. OK, we’re being a bit hyperbolic here, but I’m sure you get the drift. The reality is probably your name and address will disappear into a suitable receptacle designed for waste products at the earliest opportunity, and even if you do come to the attention of those charged with raiding bars and keeping the peace, no alarm bells will ring or red flags be raised. It is possible the officers ran your name through the Interpol wanted list, but if they drew a blank then don’t fret.

I feel a little queer Sir, On my recent visits to Walking Street, I have come to fancy ladyboys more and more.

I am a straight bloke but I worry that this attraction, if I act on it, might tip me over the edge to being gay. Is that how it works?

Can you confirm, or ask one of your gay columnists, whether I would be considered gay if I had intimate relations with a ladyboy?

Are there some lesser forms of intimate contact with ladyboys (I don’t want to be too specific in a family newspaper), where I could still be considered straight?

Or am I just lying to myself about my 50 years of heterosexuality and maybe I have been in the closet all along?

Please help me.

Confused in Camden, Perplexed in Pattaya.

By email

We asked our nightlife columnist ‘Nightmarch’ to provide an answer: From what I have been able to glean by asking around -the cleaner, delivery boy, sundry columnists, both straight and gay, the Honorary Consul and a couple of ladyboys well known to both the straight and gay columnists- has left me more gender confused than the owners of the bars along Soi Pattayaland 1.

The gay division told us a genuinely gay man wouldn’t fancy a bloke in a dress. Mind you, from what you have written about your growing attraction to ladyboys it could be the thin end of the wedge.

Start small and work up a head of real steam and before you can say meat and two veg you’re batting for both sides as it were.

The allegedly straight brigade said they had once or twice (or maybe even a few more times)

been unwittingly in intimate proximity to a person whose chest measurements had been surgically enhanced and whose voices were like sweet sirens with a bad head cold. They claimed the ingestion of copious amounts of alcoholic beverages had led to them dropping their gender guard, as well as some apparel. They described the experience as ‘enlightening’, whatever that means.

Quite frankly, this is Pattaya, where anything and everything pretty much goes. It’s not called Fun Town for nothing. No one really gives a toss which side of the fence you want to find your jollies, or even if you want to firmly plant your crackside in the middle, although the splinters could be much bigger and longer than you might imagine.

In my now out-of-print book Pattaya: Patpong on Steroids I

began a chapter with the following, which may help in some way. ‘In a 10-year study conducted from 1938 to 1948 and entitled Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male, Dr Alfred Kinsey found an incredible 37 percent of the male population would experience at least one homosexual experience to the point of orgasm at some time in their lives. Given that homosexuality in many countries is no longer considered a criminal activity, the percentage may now well be higher. The reality is that desire is a lot more complicated than just genitalia. Many psychologists and sex researchers have a belief that humans desire certain types of people rather specific genders. It is not the genitalia that is paramount but the person.’

Still gender confused? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Just be thankful you’re in Pattaya.

06 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Obituary

Father Lawrence Patin C.Ss.R. President of the Father Ray Foundation

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Drug importation operation goes bottoms up

1 October 1937 – 8 January 2011

It is with great sadness that the Father Ray Foundation announces the death of its President, Father Lawrence Patin C.Ss.R. who passed away on Saturday 8 January whilst receiving medical treatment at the St. Clements Health Center, in Liguori, Missouri.

Lawrence Patin was born on the 1 October 1937, the eldest of six children whose parents were of German and Polish ancestry. His first home was on a farm in the small town of Sand Lake in the northern US state of Michigan, before the family moved to the city of Grand Rapids.

In 1951 at the age of fourteen, young Lawrence entered the minor seminary and continued his schooling until deciding to take vows and become a Redemptorist priest.

Religion was very important to the Patin family, and all five Patin boys entered the Redemptorists, Lawrence as a priest and his four younger brothers all becoming Redemptorist Brothers. His parents were both very religious and themselves became Redemptorist Oblates: individuals who have shown a deep commitment to the Redemptorists mission to the poor and most abandoned.

On 29 June 1963 Lawrence Patin confirmed his vows of obedience, chastity and poverty and in the presence of both his parents, four brothers and young sister he was ordained a priest, known from then on as Father Lawrence Patin C.Ss.R. All Redemptorists use the initials “C.Ss.R.” after their last names.

These four letters are an abbreviation for ‘Congregatio Sanctissimi Redemptoris’, the Latin for ‘Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer.’

After spending a short time at the St. Alphonsus Rock Church in St. Louis, in June 1965 Father Lawrence, or Father Larry as he was sometimes known, made the long journey to Thailand. His first stop in the Kingdom was to school where he studied the Thai language before moving to the minor seminary in Sri-Racha.

The following years saw Father Larry being posted to parishes around the country, including time

at Phon Soong in Udon Thani province and five years at a leper colony in Khon Kaen.

In 1979 he returned to Bangkok where he preached to the city folk before once again making the journey up country and becoming novice master in Nong Khai. It was also at this time that Father Larry was parish priest in the towns of Tabo, Si Chiang Mai and Viengkhuk. Father Larry would spend many happy years in these parishes but in early 1990 he took a break and returned to the capital to become rector of Holy Redeemer Church. After several years in that position he made the journey back to his parishes up north where he again remained for several years.

In the early part of the 21st century Father Larry arrived in Pattaya to become rector of the Redemptorist Center before taking over as President of the Father Ray Foundation, the post having been vacated by Father Banchong Chaiyara who was elevated to Bishop.

Running a large organisation such as the Father Ray Foundation was a lot different to what he was used to; managing several social projects where 850 children and students with disabilities are housed and educated is a great responsibility, but one which he took on with enthusiasm.

In early 2010 Father Larry became unwell whilst visiting his good friend Father Mike Shea in Nong Khai. It was originally thought that he was suffering with a ‘frozen shoulder’, but on return to the US a small tumour was discovered on his brain. A course of radiation treatment was given and this did hold back the tumour, but the mixture of chemotherapy medications was not enough to cure him and he passed away with his family beside him.

Father Larry was a deeply spiritual man, who cared deeply about helping the underprivileged of society, especially children. Whilst he worked in his office in Pattaya most mornings he would be visited by the young toddlers from the Father Ray Day Care Center. More than fifty youngsters would run into his office, screaming and shouting, climbing over the furniture and all clamouring to sit on Father Patin’s knee and be the first to receive a small piece of candy. No matter how busy he was, or how important a meeting was, when he heard the youngsters arrive he would stop working to welcome his children.

The Father Ray Foundation will miss the advice, strength and support Father Larry gave to the workers, children and students. May he rest in eternal peace.

Derek Franklin

One hell of a sample

Scraping the bottom. Rubber gloves are essential

A drug importation and people smuggling operation gang were arrested in an undercover sting in Sattahip in the early hours of the morning recently.

Acting on information, undercover officers arranged to meet a pickup carrying two Thai men and five Cambodians, who had entered Thailand illegally, in Sattahip. The undercover officers knew two of the Cambodians inside the pickup were carrying a large quantity of yah bah tablets. When the pickup was stopped, a total of seven people, including a seven-year-old boy, were taken into custody.

Back at the police station the

Thai driver and his accomplice, who acted as a guide, said they regularly brought Cambodians into Thailand illegally, for 2,500 baht a head. That night they had already dropped six Cambodians off in Rayong, before continuing their journey to Sattahip.

A search of the two Cambodian drug couriers revealed they had managed to get 250 yah bah tablets enclosed in a plastic bag stuffed into their rectum. After dropping their load the Cambodians admitted they had trafficked yah bah into Thailand on 10 previous occasions using the same method. One man said it only hurts the first time.

Frenchman arrested after threatening Englishman with knife Police arrested a 19-year-old French national at a hotel in south Pattaya after he had threatened an Englishman and his Thai girlfriend at their room in the same complex.

About an hour before sunrise the receptionist at the Prima Place apartment on Third Road in south Pattaya called police to attend the scene as a 19-year-old French national, Salim Azzug, had threatened an Englishman and his Thai girlfriend with a long-bladed knife.

The Frenchman was taken into custody and claimed he had just come back from a night of ingesting alcoholic beverages on Walking Street. He had become involved in an argument with some Thai men on the street and when he returned to the hotel he was still angry. At the same time he entered the lift to go to his room he shared the conveyance with a 29-year-old Englishman and his Thai girlfriend. Mr Azzug didn’t like the look of them, and it may well be the feeling was mutual.

When he exited the lift he went to his room, grabbed a rather large knife and went to the Englishman’s

room and tried to break in, banging the knife against the door. Naturally, the Englishman and his girlfriend did the sensible thing and called reception, who requested the police presence.

Officers soon arrived and placed the belligerent Mr Azzug in handcuffs, after relieving him of the weapon. He was bundled into the police pickup where he gave attending journalists the one-fingered salute or he might just have been indicating his desire to pay a 1,000 baht fine.

I am a handsome man.

All the girls tell me so

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Kris & Noi’s

Private

people, has he also “gone native”?

It’s your choice—if you feel comfortable in returning a wai, go ahead mate; you needn’t return it to children, but they won’t stone you if you do. If you choose not to wai, you can just nod your head, smile, or preferably both, and that will be fine.

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Reluctant Learner Since relocating to Pattaya nearly one year ago, I’ve had several relationships with ladies. About two months ago I invited a young lady (Joom) to live with me. Now I recognize that we have very little in common. She’s from Buriram and was 12 when her parents stopped her schooling to help them in the rice fields and other chores. Anyway, I’ve been trying to broaden her interests by getting her to read, learn something about world affairs, or even just listen to me discuss topics she knew nothing about in the past. She won’t do it. She seems resistant to learning—to expanding her interests. Is there any hope, do you think? Anything else I can do to encourage her, or should I just move on and find someone else?

Dick Dastardly So, you’ve had a young woman living with you for two months, but now you have discovered that sex is all she has to interest you?

This happens when men get carried

1975, the year that the first nationwide city planning regulations were put into effect. In the initial stages the focus was on proposing planning models for towns and cities. By 1982 the first maps with a scale of 1:4,000 were introduced with the aim of developing more detailed plans.

Rayong was the first municipality in Thailand that was the subject of a comprehensive city plan.

Most city plans are reviewed every five years. In the case of Pattaya there appears to be some doubt among cynics that a cogent and comprehensive plan even exists. Across the nation many commentators claim the enforcement of city plans are basically toothless because the regulations are designed to promote development and not punish violators.

As at the beginning of 2011 the maximum fine for those who ignore zoning restrictions is 10,000 baht or six months in jail.

away by the thought of having their sweet young thing available for instant nooky. They forget that sex and sleep only take up a few hours of a day, so the time in between will be extremely boring if the couple has nothing in common. Joom has had a very poor education, and her knowledge of, and interest in, the outside world is probably limited to celebrity-style topics. Perhaps her reluctance to learn is because she cannot see any benefit. She knows that her relationship with you is not going to last, so will soon be looking for new customers, and sex-mongers tend to be more interested in a girl’s face and body, and the price of her honey, than her viewpoint on the global economy and conserving the planet.

Better for you both to go your separate ways, and before inviting a girl to live with you again, spend some time actually getting to know her, and consider whether or not you would enjoy each other’s company away from the bedroom.

Why Wai New to Thailand, I am wondering about the “wai.” I think it’s a lovely gesture, and I receive it just about everywhere I go: massage centres, shops, restaurants, even many times the bargirls wai me! I now wai in return and the Thai girl I’ve hooked up with says that Thais are pleased when foreigners use it back to them. But some expats told me that it looks ridiculous for us to do it, and the Thais laugh at us. So, is it OK, and if not, is there some other way to acknowledge another person’s wai?

Paul Kinnell Expats often blather on about knowing Thais who say that foreigners shouldn’t ever wai, and those that do are sniggered at, but we have never, ever encountered such a Thai. These expats are the same ones who claim that if a farang even says hello in Thai he has gone native! If a Thai goes to the west and shakes hands with

7943 By the 8621 NUMBERS 300+ millimetres, the amount of rainfall experienced in some parts of Nakhon Ratchasima province during October 2010 in a three-day period, resulting in severe flooding.

164, the number of people who died as a direct result of the 2010 floods in Thailand, primarily in Nakhon Ratchasima and Ubon Ratchathani provinces. This was the highest number of casualties since mudslides in 1988 in Nakhon Sri Thammarat province killed more than 700 people after illegally

Pattaya One 07

felled logs crashed into two villages from deforested mountainsides. In 2001, 147 people had been killed by mudslides in Phetchabun province while 116 people died from the effects of mudslides in five Northern provinces. One of these days the authorities may eventually work out a way of enforcing regulations against illegal logging and may even start implementing workable flood mitigation programs.

1908, the year the first Thai criminal code was enshrined in leg-

Bar Fine Blues

I normally go to massage soapies and oilies, but recently I fancied a girl in a bar, gave her the money to pay the bar fine, and we had a fun night. I went back a few days later and asked for her. I was told “she doesn’t work here, she’s freelance”.

So I asked two people, the mamasan and I think the owner, for my bar fine back, as she didn’t work for the bar, but they said they never received anything from her. Do you think they are lying? It was a great night with the girl and she was really nice next morning with me. I don’t think she would have tricked me that way, as I had agreed the price she asked.

Dai Hard There’s no reason for the bar people to lie; they could have just said the girl has moved on, and that would have been that. You’ve been turned over, and it was the really nice girl who did the deed! She realised that you are new to the bar fine system, and decided to pocket a little extra. But look on the bright side; you shouldn’t be caught out again, you had a great time with the girl anyway, and the lesson only cost you a few hundred baht.

islation, introduced on 1 June.

It included provisions for legal abortion.

78th, the ranking of Thailand on the scale of corruption according to a mob called Transparency International, who don’t appear to be a simple sticker making company. By comparison, Malaysia ranked 56th, which is not too good, with Indonesia (110th), Vietnam (116th), the Philippines (134th) and next door neighbours Cambodia (154th). Apparently Burma didn’t rate a number, maybe because no-one would believe a figure like 9,999th, in the galaxy.

A fine example of city planning

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Living Healthy in Pattaya

By Khun Dee

SMOKING ROOM Smokers of the world unite. Aren’t you sick and tired of all those do-gooders telling you about the dangers of smoking? (Like you didn’t already know.) Haven’t enough people told you that it’s a dirty, stinking habit? (As if that doesn’t occur to you each time friends shrink back to avoid your dragon breath or whenever you look at your yellowed fingers.) Haven’t you read too many articles advising you to quit or how to quit or why you should quit?

Don’t do it Remember: smoking makes you feel good. It’s satisfying. It fills a physical and a psychological need. How else would you have access to a legal substance--nicotine--that so effectively changes the levels of brain chemicals like dopamine, which is known for producing pleasure and dulling pain? Unfortunately, the nicotine in one cigarette doesn’t provide lasting satisfaction. After several minutes or hours, the urge for another cigarette develops. Even more unfortunate is the fact that in time your brain adjusts to those extra surges of dopamine. Before you know it, what used to feel like a high dopamine level begins to

Don’t Quit Smoking!

feel normal to you. If that supply of nicotine ceases, your dopamine plummets. (Now you know what causes a nicotine fit.)

Are you thinking of lighting up now? Don’t. Instead, test yourself by not smoking for just a few hours and watch what happens. In some ways, your body celebrates by bringing your blood pressure and pulse rate back to normal (in as little as 20 minutes). But in other ways, your body protests. That jittery irritability that makes you long for another cigarette is a withdrawal symptom.

Keep the butts at bay for another eight hours or so and more nasty annoyances will erupt. Some, like dizziness or headaches, last only a few days; a few, like fatigue and sleeplessness, might last several weeks.

You can avoid those discomforts totally just by lighting up. Or, if you are one of those health nuts or a weirdo who wants to add a few more years to his life, you can opt for nicotine replacement therapy (NRT). Things like nicotine patches, inhalers and gum not only reduce withdrawal symptoms, they also seriously increase your chances of getting smoke-free. Statistically, about 2% of people manage to quit smoking cold turkey; NRT users have a 60% success rate, and they usually gain less weight after quitting.

Wait a minute. This column topic was ‘Don’t quit smoking.’

Actually, the headline should

have read: Don’t Quit Smoking Now. (Our editor erred.)

The fact of the matter is, you wouldn’t quit smoking now in any case. You know that quitting would be the best thing for you. You know that’s what a smart person would do. You don’t need yet one more person telling you to put out that cigarette and never light another.

In fact, you probably quit smoking on 1 January and didn’t smoke again until 2 January. [Ed Note: our ‘Fool in Paradise’ correspondent Neil Hutchison has indeed taken the non-smoking pledge, and, as of this issue going to press, had managed to avoid the cancer sticks for just over two weeks!! Will miracles never cease?]

Quitting is an intellectual and emotional decision that requires preparation. Most successful quitters don’t wake up one morning and say, ‘I quit,’ and then never light up again. Most smokers take years to weigh the pros and cons. Some make the decision to quit because of the onset of a smoking-related ailment. Some because they want to live long enough to enjoy retirement or to see their children or grandchildren grow up. Your reason for quitting is not nearly as important as the resolve to stay smoke free.

And that resolve--that commitment to improve your life, your health, and even your self-esteem--will be formulated over the next month. So don’t quit now. Wait 30 days, then

Topical Thailand Thailand in the World’s Press Rubber to Remain ‘Strong’ on Supply

Bloomberg Businessweek reported that natural-rubber prices will remain “strong” next year as global consumption of the commodity used in tyres and gloves increases faster than supply, according to Thailand’s largest exporter.

Rubber prices gained 34 percent in 2010 on increased demand from China and India, the two largest consumers, as rising incomes boost

demand for autos and consumer goods. Heavy rains and floods in major producers including Thailand, the biggest exporter, have also disrupted tapping and curbed supply.

The Plight of Burmese Child Refugees in Thailand Independent Catholic News highlighted work by the Thai Childrens Trust, a charity which

is feeding 3,500 Burmese refugee children in Thailand.

Every year, thousands of Burmese children arrive in the Thai town of Mai Sot. They are refugees, fleeing violence and persecution. Back home their villages are raided, their crops destroyed, livestock killed, women and girls raped and the boys are captured sand used as forced labour.

Once they reach the safety of Mai Sot, they face another crisis. The camps are desperately overcrowded and there is a great shortage of food. An estimated 50% of the

you will quit forever.

For now, you are asked only to give some thought to quitting. Sit back, relax, light up and consider the benefits of a future without cigarettes. If you’re reading this on January 16, mark a quit date on your calendar--February 16. And while you have your pen out, write down the top three reasons to quit smoking. Make those reasons personal to you. Think about how your life will change once you say no to cigarettes. Then, on a card, write down those three reasons. Read the card from time to time as a reminder to yourself over the next month and beyond--each time you feel a need to light up.

That’s what you can do today. Set a date; jot down three reasons to quit.

Tomorrow you can begin a daily walking program. Get into the healthful habit of walking 30 minutes every day. Over the next month those daily walks will establish the discipline that will help you stick with your quit-smoking plan. They also will increase your stamina, and will help avoid weight gain when you quit smoking.

Between now and your kick-thehabit date, we will devote two more columns to additional steps that will ease your transition into a smokefree life. Look for those tips in Pattaya One editions of 16 February and 1 March.

In the meantime, talk to friends who smoke, and ask if they would consider being your quitting buddy.

Quitting is easier if you have the support of a friend or partner. And a quitting buddy is better than a butt buddy (in most circles).

children are classified as severely malnourished. The Thai Children’s Trust has pledged to feed 3,500 children.

An Industrial Project That Could Change Burma The New York Times was more blunt, suggesting that for Thailand, the Dawei project would be a cheap and convenient way to export its dirty refineries across the border.

“Some industries are not suitable to be located in Thailand,” Abhisit Vejjajiva, the Thai prime minister, said in explaining the project to viewers of his weekly television address recently. “This is why they decided to set up there,” he said, referring to Dawei.

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Deep-Fried and DopeSmoking Cockroaches No, not another weird food thread, but a review of a Teakdoor thread dealing with cockroaches (”Cockroach Tales”) which contained a wealth of information and scary anecdotes about a creature we live (and often sleep) cheek by jowl with, and which sometimes get too close for comfort.

Bangyai quoted a UK Times article which included some interesting cockroach facts, to get us going: Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches do not carry disease in themselves, although they can aggravate allergies and worsen asthma.

They may have gained such a bad name because of their favourite places to hang out: anywhere fairly warm and wet, such as sewers, toilets and rubbish dumps, where they can pick up germs and spread them around in their tracks.

Cockroaches are one of the most successful and tough pests on Earth — they have been around for 250 million years and even outlived the dinosaurs.

They are thought to be able to resist 15 times the level of radiation that a human being can, so they would probably be the only survivors of a nuclear war on Earth.

They do not need much food, either, being able to live on just one meal a month.

A female roach can lay an egg at the age of one month, then another for every month of her life thereafter — and every egg contains 40 babies. Each baby makes another 40, and so on. It is estimated that in one year, a single cockroach can be responsible for producing up to a million new cockroaches.

A cockroach will live for a number of weeks after decapitation, before starving to death. The severed head survives for several hours.

Bangyai also, described the scene when he moved into his Filipina girlfriend’s less than salubrious room.

Come lights out it wasn’t long before it sounded like I had crashed out on a forest floor in autumn ...... an ominous rustling from behind the wallpaper. Flicking on the lights I saw an army of roaches rehearsing the trooping of the colour across the wall. Somewhat alarmed I spent the next few hours with the sheet wrapped over my head and tucked in as best I could,

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ABOVE BAWD

IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop

trembling with fear……..

At the time, I sported a moustache and was recovering from hepatitis so was stuck on a diet of coke and sprite, which on this occasion I had failed to wash off.

About an hour later I was disturbed from my slumber by a tickling sensation around my upper lip.

Waking with a start I brushed my face and switched on the light to see two roaches scampering across the bed. I moved back into the hotel next day.

The same poster also mentioned a “bamboo pipe” he had at home, in more relaxed days in Thailand. I had a good long pull from the top of the pipe. I was just getting ready for seconds when a couple of long antennae emerged from the pipe shortly followed by a large roach looking a bit shaky on his feet.

Imagine that, a world first – smoking a roach in your bong.

Kingwilly brought it back to the level of a kitchen sink drama when he reminded us of best practice in the war on cockroaches: at breakfast I was pouring my mother an orange juice from the container and a dead bugger slipped out of the OJ into the glass! The maid must have left the lid off in the kitchen.

Showing everyone that cockroaches are not just a Third World problem, and that there’s no easy way to finish them off, Patsycat reported: They even pop up in Super Clean Switzerland. The pest control guys came round and sprayed a place I once rented, I don’t know what’s worse - the ones that scurry around or the ones that are half dead and you have to put them out of their misery as they die a slow death on your kitchen counter.

Similarly Jet Gordon reported

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from Canada: Many moons ago I was drinking a Spanish coffee at a fav club in Gastown, Vancouver. I asked for NO maraschino cherry.

Was finishing the drink and got a big glob in my mouth. Spat it out and it was a dead cockroach.

Nearer to home, Mr Brown posted his own unpleasant experience of being in Central Plaza, Bangkok in a rainstorm.

I could feel some tickling on my neck - I thought nothing of it believing it to be the rain dripping from the edge of the umbrella.

This tickling sensation reached my mouth however so I had a quick grab only to pull off my face a dirty little roach squirming away within my grasp.

Mr Brown was happier to recount the next tale: Went to work one day and a young big breasted farang was casually stood outside of my work soaking up the songkhran sunshine.

To my disbelief there was a huge cockroach relaxing on her tit

snuggled on top of her white shirt.

I clocked it straight away and as I passed her just mentioned that she had a roach on her, ahem, top.

She looked at me a bit wierd; when she looked down the scream was worth it, made my day.

Smug Farang Bore had another tale of sex and cockroaches.

The other night a rather fit bird that works for me suddenly started shouting out - GET IT OUT - GET IT OUT..! Well I must admit it did make me jump as it was late but then I thought YES I’m in at last...

Thank you god.

I look round and see her pulling her top this way and that way and pointing at it. I now realized that one of these beasties is inside so Sir Galahad here jumps to the rescue shoving my hand down her top and doing a full upper body check....

Lovely.

Thing is I’d seen it scuttle away one minute earlier. Made my night.

Happyman happily reported an industrial-strength tale from Singapore, where he had done a Heath & Safety survey of an upmarket food court in Singapore checked the greasetrap - took the lid off - BAD IDEA - 2 feet of water - 6 inches of grease- and 6 inches of cockroaches that were somewhat pissed off by being disturbed ! Cleared the place of customers in less than 2 mins and shut it down for 2 days !

And finally, Strontiumdog had another horrible tale of cockroaches inappropriately entering the food chain: Ate at a well known farang fish and chips shop in Bangkok one day. With my mate’s fish was an added and unasked for bonus... deep fried roach.

The wonderful serving staff took his plate away, removed the roach and returned his original plate, with the fish and chips moved around a bit to make it look like they’d given him a new meal.

We never went back there.

All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net

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10 Pattaya One

By Street Stroller Fighting off the Indian tailors, hawkers, beggars, barging Russians and hordes of shoppers streaming from the malls on the town side of Pattaya Beach Road is usually such an irritating experience that I usually walk along the beach side. However, ignoring these distractions recently, I focused on finding interesting items of art and objects of interest displayed as art.

Not good ones, mind. Only interesting - which is just as well as it’s hardly the bleeding Metropolitan Museum of Art over there, that’s for sure.

Whilst there isn’t much of note to coo over, there was certainly enough to keep an uneducated, un-artistic Philistine like me going.

The old stuffed shark (photo above) serves as a sobering reminder of the passing of time for Pattaya’s legion of working women, usually seen in the familiar Pattaya cycle of younger girl in go go bar, who becomes an older girl in Soi 6 who becomes an old bag on Beach Road. This toothless old shark seems to say “you too will end up on Beach Road, in the same condition as me”.

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya Focus on ......

Art on the City side of PBR

This toothless old shark seems to say “you too will end up on Beach Road, in the same condition as me”.

More pacifically, outside Central, on a sunny day with a blue sky background, these metallic sails reflecting the sunlight are a pleasant sight.

I see this as aspirational art, wishing this is what the city looked like – the clean blue sea flecked with tall sails atop expensive sailing boats owned by posh residents, moored in the no doubt soon-tobe-built marina, after which they all troop into Central to eat and shop, and spend gazillions of quid.

‘Aint gonna happen though. Or not in most of our lifetimes.

I saved my favourite piece until last. This statue of a boy with a swan is again an entirely appropriate image to grace Pattaya.

When I find myself Googling: “swan symbolism in classical art” for a column in Pattaya’s most vibrant rag, I know I have bitten off more than I can chew, and I am about as helpless as this poor swan in the clammy clutches of a (hopefully not priapic) youth.

Located in the pleasant grounds of Caffe Toscana, this fountain lends itself to a number of thoughts.

First of all, is he playing with this unfortunate creature? is he trying

to kill it? Or worse, to mount it?

Is the boy choking a chicken, grappling a goose or strangling a swan? I think the latter, but look how close he is to it. Disturbingly close.

Perhaps the boy really is THAT into birds, and if so, where better to put this statue than in Pattaya, where it can function as a piece of symbolic art representing the city, to which ornithologists all over the world flock to get to grips with birds themselves.

Although, as also represented in this statue, the bill for that kind of grappling can be quite large.

Dream On

Heady Stuff I like the above plastic heads which have been placed outside one restaurant, where they sit, sentinel-like, bearing silent witness to the shenanigans and crime on the other side of the road.

They act as a useful symbol for the city, where the powers that be are equally powerless to prevent the many scams being carried on under their very noses on PBR. And of course they are also a very appropriate symbol for other aspects of life in Pattaya, a city which specialises in all kinds of head, from the giving of it (everywhere) to head shots (guns).

I quite like this water, fish and metal installation which is also outside Central, although its impact is lessened during the day. By night it is nicely illuminated with different colour lights and the orgasmic explosion of water is more dramatic than by day.

Boy with Swan - Mistreatment of animals is a perverted Cygnus.

Next Edition: Architecture

Cool music for the hot city

Better At Night

www.pattaya105.com

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THE

FRUGAL GOURMAND

value. A five course, set menu (279 baht) is presented on a signboard brought to your table; and there’s a tremendous array of dishes to choose from. You get soup and salad; main course, dessert and coffee. One of my favorites is the beef bourguignon. Another winner, the spare ribs, was pleasantly spiced, moist and tender. The shrimp scampi was delicious as well. Ice cream was the perfect ending to the repast. There’s also an a la carte menu and tasty Thai food (according to one of my dining companions).

READY, SET, EAT Many of Fun Town’s restaurants offer great value with their set menus. You can often get a three or four-course dinner for less than 300 baht. I recently tried the Sunday set menu at Aquarius Restaurant in Jomtien Complex, diagonally opposite The Venue. This attractive bistro offers indoor and outdoor seating and has a special set menu every day for around 380 baht. (Ok, we splurged and spent an extra 80 baht.) It includes a starter, main course and ice cream for dessert. The meal started off with a complimentary, mini shrimp cocktail. For the starter, I chose the salmon pate, while my dining companion had the chicken soup.

We were both quite happy with our choices. Then, I tried the grilled salmon with lemon and butter sauce, which was very tasty. They also offered roast chicken with grape sauce, which was tender and flavorful. On other evenings, you can have leg of lamb, lamb shank and roast beef. Aquarius also has an extensive a la carte menu, including Thai food.

Also in Jomtien Complex, on the same soi as Aquarius is Ole’s, which offers various set menus for 320 baht, including bread and butter, appetizer, main and dessert.

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I haven’t tried it yet, but next door to Sanong is Café de Paris, which features a four-course set dinner for 275 baht. They also offer steak frites and salad for 220 baht.

Email me if you’ve eaten there and let me know what you think.

Sanong and adjacent Cafe de Paris All the sets are offered daily. Ole’s has been open for about eight months and is definitely worth a try. It also doubles as an art gallery displaying paintings by ‘Thong K.’ I tried a set dinner featuring grilled red salmon with saffron sauce which was, indeed, quite delicious. It was served with crispy and flavorful grilled vegetables with pesto sauce. The starter was smoked salmon atop greens with balsamic dressing. Although Chocolate brownie cake was listed as the dessert, they allowed me to

substitute fresh mango with sticky rice, which was the perfect ending to a very satisfactory dinner. Add 100 baht for a glass of wine and your meal is still well under 500 baht. Other sets feature items such as beef steak, pork steak and red snapper. There’s also an extensive a la carte menu. Most mains are under 200 baht.

Sanong Brussels RestoBistro (038713 377), on Soi Yensabai Mansion, off Soi VC in South Pattaya, is a real jewel for food and

Art at Ole’s

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com.

You’re in the Wrong Town Spotted recently on South Pattaya Road, and assuming it is not a clever scam to find readily up-for-it partners, this poster advertises a sex addict support meeting in Pattaya.

Whilst we applaud anyone who has the will to fight an addiction to anything, we wonder whether the first step in this recovery programme should be an immediate withdrawal from Fun Town.

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GAYMARCH Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com

Hold on to your towels: Ganymede, in Jomtien Complex, was recently packed with punters and balloon chasers (me included) who were attending a party in honour of the official opening of their new karaoke bar, Spilia and their new gay sauna, Thermae.

There was a delicious buffet with beef, pork, chicken and Thai food, as well as the obligatory roast pig.

They even had complimentary red and white wine. Lots of boys were on hand to make sure everyone was well fed and not thirsty. In addition to the main karaoke lounge, Spilia has three private rooms for your special occasions; or, as in my case, for those crooners who would be too embarrassed to sing in public.

In keeping with Ganymede’s Greek theme, Spilia means ‘the cave’ in Greek. As of press time, the new sauna was up and running. It features an indoor pool, wet and dry saunas, massage rooms and ‘relaxing’ areas. Thermae will also have eight guest rooms upstairs.

In addition, the Ganymede management will be opening a new executive-class guest residence next door.

All of Me is the new name of the former Wunderbar host and beer joint in Sunee Plaza. It’s under the new management of two young, Thai men, Tom and Boy; and their American backers, Keith and Gary.

They seem like a friendly and accommodating group and we wish them the best of luck.

I recently stopped into Eros Boy Bar, at the end of Sunee Plaza next to the Marina Inn. It’s a large venue with a big go-go stage in the center. There are lots of dark corners where you can sit with a young man and explore. I didn’t see too many customers; but they might have been lurking in the hidden recesses. Let’s just say what happens at Eros stays at Eros. By the way, alcoholic drinks were only 99 baht. Eros is under the same management as Happy Boys Bar on Soi Yensabai, which has an upstairs ‘lounge,’ where you can get to know your new friend more intimately.

Sky Restaurant and Drink (only one?) is the new name of the former Villa Rouge (aka Kaos) Bar in Sunee Plaza. The place has had a total makeover with a large central bar and new orange and

Thermae dry sauna. Great place for a woody black décor. For now, they’re serving drinks and boys. I’m told they’ll be adding food in the near future.

(As it is called Sky Restaurant and Drink, that seems appropriate.) It’s under the same management as Treetz, now closed.

Sugar N Spice, formerly a girl bar cum boy bar, next to Ganymede in Jomtien Complex, is now closed.

I never saw more than a few bored looking hosts and almost no customers there. We’ll see what comes next. Maybe Ganymede, which has undergone a major expansion (see above), will absorb it.

Celebrate The Year of the Rabbit with the boys in Boyz Town (Pattayaland Soi 3) on 3 February.

There’ll be lion dancing and other shows on the soi, as well as special parties in the bars. The fun starts at 9 pm.

Scores of police, from several different agencies, recently descended on Sunee Plaza’s dens of iniquity. Apparently, they put on quite a show, blocking off the entrances/exits to the sois and setting up pee test stations in the various bars. Those few unfortunates who didn’t get advanced warning and tested positive were carted off. Glad to see that our boys in brown are keeping us safe. I’m also happy that they’re not singling out gay entertainment districts as there was a similar spectacle on Soi 6 a day or so before this one. One question: If Bangkok-based police can raid Pattaya’s boy bars, why can’t Pattaya police do the same for the bars on Soi Pratuchai (aka Twilight) in Bangkok, whose shows are much bolder than Pattaya’s?

Pattaya: One Rainbow

The Globe’s Gayest Destination

By James Barnes Lindsay Lohan. Sex. Star Trek.

Conspiracy theory. Britney Spears.

Wikipedia. The connection? All these words are included in the most popular Internet searches.

Global Googlers united by the disparate. As Pattaya One is available on various online portals, these words will now shine out of the tag clouds and millions of unsuspecting netizens will be delivered, digitally direct to this column. But why? It is not the megalomaniacal fancy of an egotistical hack. Ok. A bit. But there is a message that needs to be so broadcast.

The world lurches from crisis to calamity with the ever-present threat of catastrophe. From slowdown to recession with the risk of depression and the menace of meltdown. Hurricanes and floods, volcanoes and mudslides, snowstorms and droughts intimidate

by turn. Despots and crackpots vie for airtime on the rolling news, sensationally soaking the senses of those who view in their masses, safe in the knowledge that they are not suffering from paranoia.

Someone or something is out to get them. They just do not know who or what.

Right now, it is ‘Pattaya: One Rainbow’ that is stalking them.

Lured by Lindsay Lohan, Sex, Star Trek, Conspiracy theory, Britney Spears and Wikipedia (doublebubble- yahoo!) through the trusted sieve of search engines, the digital cogs have turned out an unexpected result in inconceivably short nanofractions of time. The news?

The good news? The news that will have the news buds quivering with sated fulfilment and fevered satisfaction?

Pattaya is the gayest place on the planet. The globe’s gayest destination. It may not be official, but it is patently obvious. To our hordes of

new readers (welcome) who may suspect that this is disingenuous, there is but one answer. Get clicking and tapping on the interweb and get your posterior over herequick smart! Do not dither, dally or dilly. Wherever you are, it cannot, cannot, cannot be gayer than here. Book your flight and Feb will be fab. Ab fab in fact, sweetie. You may find it so fab that you will never want to leave.

In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan, from Milan to Yucatan, in the wilds of Borneo and the vineyards of Bordeaux, in the dock of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay, from Bombay to Santa Fé you’ll find a bit of gay, but in Pattaya , you’ve got to say, it’s in your face, everyday. Yes, more rhythm sticks than you can, well, shake a rhythm stick at. Thanks Mr Drury. Don’t you bother with San Francisco, even with those flowers in your hair, come to gay Pattaya, there’s gentler people there. Ta

muchly, Scott.

Those gorgeous Thai guys with their melting chocolate eyes, the smooth as silk skins, the razor blade smiles, generous, sensitive hearts and welcoming souls are here waiting for you. Be indifferent to those jaded expats who’ve forgotten on which side to find the jam. Discard their theories and your preconceptions. Soak yourself in an alien culture, get saturated and osmosis will take care of you. Your Thai love will be perceptive and insightful in ways that will shake your belief in Lindsay Lohan, Star Trek, Conspiracy theory, Britney Spears and Wikipedia. Do this and you will discover depths within yourself that are thrilling. It’s a funny little thing called love- in the gayest destination in the world.

James Barnes is Editor-in-chief of OUT in Thailand Magazine.

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The

BellwetherEnd

By Mike Bell

You Only Live Twice

What a paradoxical title Ian Fleming coined for his twelfth Bond book and how strange that in The Land of Lies, Truth should overwhelm Fiction! A Thai novelist is suing the Fleming estate for Intellectual Piracy. Somkinda Tealeaf is claiming that all the Bond plots appeared in Thai comics well before ‘Casino Royale’ was published in 1953. He claims, for example, that the Ambassador Hotel, that huge Russian ghetto north of Pattaya, was the original setting for ‘Royal Casino’ before gambling dens were outlawed in Thailand unless owned by the BiB.

To support his claim, Somkinda points to the fact that of the fourteen titles, one- seventh of them contain the word ‘gold’ or ‘golden’ – a sure sign of their Thai origin.

Fleming is alleged to have subtly changed the titles to avoid detection. ‘Muckraker’ was the first Pattaya newspaper. ‘Lotsa(Octo) Pussy’ and ‘Pussy Galore’ both had their origins down in soi 6. ‘Thunderballs’ was the local name for an ailment contracted from overdoing things. ‘The Guy who loved me,’ was a very popular title amongst girls from Isaan. ‘Live and Let Me Buy’ and ‘Diamonds Are Forever or at least until you go home’ were less popular because of the overt glorification of shopping. Since Fleming wrote ‘From Russia with Love’ in 1957, there has been a huge surge of interest with many girls and bar owners taking lessons in that language. Menus have started to appear in Cyrillic script (though you can

only buy cabbage.) As there is no Thai word for ‘no’, ‘Dr No’ was first entitled ‘Dr Maybe’ and finally became ‘Dr OK-then-but-I-want500-baht-more.’ ‘Chitty Shitty Bang Bang’ needs no explanation and is definitely not a children’s book – nor a Bond one either.

Fleming did not only tinker with the titles. He was not averse to making wholesale changes to the story line. ‘For Your Eyes Only’ was the poignant tale of a shy lady from Buriram who was asked to reveal all if she wanted a job in a certain Walking Street Go-Go bar.

She convinced the farang owner to allow her to maintain her womanly secrets until after they were married. (Too late he discovered ‘her’ extra equipment.) ‘On His Majesty’s Secret Service’ was the story of intrigue between senior police and army officers as they battled for control of Bangkok.

Many of Bond’s supporting cast had their earlier Thai counterparts.

Bond’s boss, M, recently played by Dame Judy Dench started life as Mor Maah, Thai for horse, or dog, or come, depending on the tone. It is said she was based on the classical Thai actress Ting Tong Macadangdang who has recently appeared on BBC’s ‘Little Britain’.

In Pattaya there is every kind of villain and all Bond’s enemies drew their inspiration from real life characters from Sin City. The popular (he appeared in no fewer than three Bond novels,) Ernst Stavro

Blofeld started life as Blow Felt, the sinister mastermind behind Lolitas.

Mr Big can be found displaying himself any night of the week in Boys Town. Spang, Drax and Krimmler have all gone respectable and run a team of lawyers specializing in selling houses to farangs.

Auric Goldfinger owns a number of precious metal and jewelry shops on Pattaya Klang.

Fleming drew his licensed to kill inspiration from the many motorcycle taxi drivers hereabouts, some of whom do have licenses. Even his iconic number was overheard being announced at the old Don Muang airport, ‘Soon Soon Jet come. So solly for deray.’

Even Bond’s life style was a direct copy of Somkinda’s hero. He was a member of many an exclusive Karaoke Club; his penchant for speed revealed itself in his choice of an early Fino. His favourite drink was a Lao Kao soda, shaken but not stirred, with a twist of manao.

His favourite vehicle was a threewheeled motorbike and sidecar that transformed, at the touch of a button into a mobile noodle shop or a luxury coach with twin rocket launchers.

Fleming’s final insulting theft was of Bond’s laconic introduction: ‘The name’s Chai. Som Chai.’

Where to find Pattaya One BEST SUPERMARKET, North Pattaya BIG C SUPERMARKETS, North and South Pattaya CARREFOUR SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Road FOODLAND SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Road FOODMART SUPERMARKET, Thappraya Road, Jomtien TOPS SUPERMARKET, Central Pattaya Road In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Road, Jomtien All 17 SE-ED BOOKSTORES (eg, Carrefour, Central Pattaya Rd; Tukcom, South Pattaya Rd; Tesco-Lotus, North Pattaya Road) TESCO-LOTUS CONVENIENCE STORE, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION, North Pattaya Road Most outdoor news vendors from Naklua to Jomtien Selected 7-Eleven and Family Mart stores.

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18 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

THAI Lite A New Religion for the 21st Century

By S. Tsow

There’s a new religion which has been creating quite a buzz lately. Founded in Mexico, it is rapidly spreading to all corners of the globe.

It’s called Enchiladism, because its followers believe that the universe is shaped like an enchilada, which is slowly being unrolled by a deity in the form of a giant panda named Bob. Einstein believed that the universe was expanding, not unrolling, which just goes to show how much HE knew. To be fair, though, I don’t know how anybody could expect Einstein to be right all the time with a haircut like that.

Einstein’s error was caused by his pathetic dependence on the inexact science of mathematics, instead of going with what made him feel good. Enchiladism’s founder, the prophet Pancho Mendoza, always went with what made him feel good. That is how he happened to discover the truths of Enchiladism in a burst of enlightenment after several bottles of tequila, three hits of LSD, and a dozen snorts of cocaine in the back room of a beer hall in Durango, Mexico, on a sweltering July afternoon in 1984.

Skeptics have raised a question about Bob. They want to know what he’ll do with the universe once he finishes unrolling it.

Alas, we don’t know. Theologians have been wrestling with this question ever since Prophet Pancho received his revelation on that holy (but sweltering!) afternoon in 1984.

It has given rise to three schools of Enchiladist eschatology.

The Big Gulp theory holds that Bob will eat the universe, and we’ll all be dead. The Big Rollback theory claims that Bob will inspect his handiwork and roll it back up. In that case, we’ll also be dead. The Big Bamboo theory says that Bob will lose interest and amble off to some other dimension to find some bamboo shoots, which are what he REALLY likes to eat.

Skeptics will scoff at the idea of a panda unrolling an enchilada, but don’t forget: Bob is a deity. Deities can do some mighty remarkable things. And it’s a good idea not to question them too closely, because they’re easily irritated, and they’re bigger than we are. Check out the Book of Job if you don’t believe me.

Now, the area where this amazing new religion really shines is in

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

its theory of the afterlife. This is a highly elaborate and sophisticated doctrine that makes other religions look primitive by comparison. It holds that unbelievers will go to hell, but that believers will ascend to a heavenly paradise called Salsa, where each of them will be given 365 virgins to enjoy for all eternity.

That’s one virgin for each day of the year, with an extra thrown in as a bonus on leap years.

Critics have complained that this is a smutty sensualist’s paradise that glorifies sexual promiscuity.

But there’s a catch. For every major sin that the believer committed during his lifetime, one virgin will be deducted from his total stash. This wise dictum ensures that believers will behave with impeccably morality during their earthly sojourn.

Critics also ask if these virgins are wizened 96-year-old hags with toothless gums and withered dugs hanging down to their knees. The answer is no. They are all young and obscenely beautiful, putting contemporary sex goddesses like Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Angelina Jolie to shame.

Well, then, the critics cavil, what happens after the believer has run through the whole lot? Is he then stuck with 365 used-up virgins for the rest of eternity? Or is he issued a new batch?

The answer is that he is stuck with the same batch, but they have self-renewing hymens to ensure their perpetual virginity.

Feminists, who rarely share the male obsession with virgins, have demanded to know what rewards women will receive in the afterlife.

They’ll be glad to learn that each

female believer will receive 365 supremely handsome toy boys, all eclipsing Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and George Clooney in manly beauty.

Thus Enchiladism not only satisfies feminist objections—it also champions a concept of gender equality that no other religion can beat.

But the critics don’t know when to quit. In 1990, heretics claimed that Prophet Pancho’s inspiring vision of the afterlife occurred because somebody slipped Viagra into his tequila. This filthy lie was quickly scotched by the execution of the blasphemers. The few survivors were hunted down by believers with bloodhounds and shotguns.

Orthodox Enchiladists fiercely defend their severity in upholding their faith. They argue that 365 virgins are better than none, and anybody who isn’t enthusiastic about Prophet Pancho’s vision of the afterlife is a no-fun guy who deserves to be shot. Enchiladists do not permit error to flourish.

Prophet Pancho himself was tragically gunned down in a shootout with a gang of tequila smugglers in 1995. His followers are devoutly praying for his second coming, or possibly his reincarnation, hopefully before Bob finishes unrolling the universe.

There is also much to be written about Enchiladist amulets, but that must await a future column.

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1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Fun Town’s most vibrant

advertisers Be a part of our success

Since Pattaya One’s first edition, only three months ago, we have had well over 750,000 individual page reads and over 275,000 individual readers on the Pattaya One News site and over 25,000 downloads on the Thai Visa website, as well as tens of thousands of reads of the individual Pattaya One columns.

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Our readership is truly local, national and global and we – and our advertisers - are delighted with

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We are constantly trying to improve the paper, but our print copies are disappearing fast

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Advertisers, if you want to make your advertising budget go further, and to reach a huge local, national and international readership with Pattaya One, please contact Howard on 087 747 8555 or email advertising@pattayaone.net to find out more about what we know to be the most competitive rates in town.

Be a part of our success.

Pattaya One 19

Pattaya

sudoku One answers

20 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Sales Marketing Manager We are looking for a hard-working, enthusiastic Thai national preferably with marketing skills and a good command of English, to sell advertising for the paper, on a mixed commission/salary basis.

Please contact marketing@pattayaone.net or call Howard on 087 747 8555 for more information. หนังสือพิมพ์พัทยาวัน รับสมัครผู้จัดการฝ่ายการตลาด wมีความกระตือรือร้น wสัญชาติไทย wมีประสบการณ์ด้านการตลาดจะพิจารณาเป็นพิเศษ wขายสื่อโฆษณาของหนังสือพิมพ์ wสามารถสื่อสารภาษาอังกฤษได้ wมีเงินเดือนและคอมมิชชั่น สนใจติดต่อและสมัครงานด้วยตัวเองได้ที่

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1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Tiger Zebra Dog

On Rampage in Pattaya Wildlife officials were airlifted into the city to try to trap a mythical Pattaya beast that had been seen by bleary-eyed revelers around the city in recent months.

Believed to be a cross between a tiger, a dog and a zebra, this hybrid animal avoided capture by a Khao Yai SWAT team and has left international wildlife scientists baffled by its appearance.

But in another Pattaya One exclusive we feature the first ever photographs of this elusive creature as it watered its garden, and our exhaustive investigations revealed it only to be a dog that some idiot had painted.

Our own wildlife expert, Narwhal Unicorn said: “Appearances can be deceptive in Pattaya. Whilst a leopard cannot change its spots, in Pattaya it isn’t just the old dog expats who can disguise their appearances with a bit of hair colour.”

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Fun Town’s most vibrant

If You Don’t Like it …

It was only some 52,534 years ago that Og was married. The ceremony was brief – Iggy clubbed her over the head with a bit of wood and dragged her to a small clearing in the forest to consummate their union. Honeymoons were unheard of at the time so Og set to work helping Iggy build a comfortable life for them both. Iggy was now happy because his workload had been halved but living out in the open, Og started complaining every time it rained.

She hated getting wet. Eventually, Iggy moved all their possessions – a club and a sharp stone – to a spot beneath an overhanging rock formation. This kept the rain out but Og began complaining it was too hot. Their new home did not catch any cool breezes. To stop her incessant whining, Iggy was faced with a challenge: to find or build a place which would keep the rain out but let the breeze in. After many failed attempts, Iggy constructed the world’s first water-resistant, breeze-catching house and civilization made a giant leap forward.

The reason for the ancient history lesson is simple. Almost on a daily basis, letters are submitted to

Pattaya’s popular English language publications by people needing to air a complaint about something. A similar number of letters are written by people complaining about other people complaining.

This latter group usually resorts to the hackneyed argument that, “if you don’t like it, go home!”

That is the last retort of the defeated and means he has no further sensible lines of reasoning to offer.

Complaints can be divided into several categories – futile, frivolous, legitimate and what I call ‘selfish’ complaints.

Futile complaints are made about something over which no-one has control. Complaining about the weather, for instance, or the kid in the back seat of the car continually whining, “Are we there yet?” when travelling a long distance. No amount of bitching will change the weather or greatly affect the time it takes to reach a destination. It’s out

of our hands and the only thing we can do is put up with it or avoid it.

Move where the weather is more to our liking and travel by plane next time.

Frivolous complaints are made about something over which there is some control but a decision was involved and a calculated risk was taken. You go to see a movie which turns out to be terrible. Just like the adage about ‘crying over spilt milk’, there is no point complaining about it afterwards. For as much as you may like to, you can’t un-watch it. Being caught in a traffic jam amounts to the same thing. Had you known the traffic would be that bad you may have taken a different route or left at a different time, but sitting behind the wheel of your gridlocked vehicle, getting angry and moaning about it, solves nothing.

‘Selfish’ complaints overlap the futile and frivolous categories but are unique in the respect that they are all about “me, me, me!” I don’t like kidney, but many people do and nobody is forcing me to eat it. Personal tastes regarding food, movies, actors or authors for instance, should not be confused with legitimate complaints.

Legitimate complaints are about real problems. Peter and Jane are a happily married couple, deeply in love. There is one problem, however. Peter snores, which causes Jane many sleepless nights in what would otherwise be her idyllic life.

What should Jane do? Should she tell Peter of the problem or should she keep quiet and put up with it? Of course she should tell Peter so they could work together on a

Pattaya One 21

solution. And here is where we make a further stipulation: people making legitimate complaints should also have a solution or alternative in mind. It is no use screaming something is bad unless you also propose how to fix it. First identify the problem then come up with a solution.

Returning to those letters to the editor, complaints are often about Pattaya or Bangkok’s traffic problems. To my knowledge, not one of the writers has ever come up with a workable, reasonable solution. Traffic snarls in both places have been worsening for years and building bigger and better roads will simply bring more cars onto those roads. Making the existing roads and road systems more efficient would help, however, engineers and city planners with years of experience and more degrees than a thermometer have been trying to work that out for decades. If the problem is not solvable, our complaints are reduced to being futile – the problem exists but is not going to go away in the foreseeable future. We just have to work around it.

Over the years I have discovered that Thailand is the principal address for many members of the S.A.F.D.R. (Self Appointed Foreign Defenders of the Realm). These people tell us all to shut our mouths and if we don’t like it, go home. Presumably they would also tell Jane that if she did not like Peter’s snoring to get a divorce. To a mother complaining about the state of untidiness of her son’s bedroom, the S.A.F.D.R. would say, “If you don’t like it, don’t go in!” Does that make sense? We, the descendants of Og and Iggy, would still be getting wet in a small clearing in a forest if these people had their way.

In democratic countries, every person has the right to point out, by peaceful means, problems and injustices wherever and whenever they see it, whether it be England, Australia or that most sacred place of all, Thailand. Quietly tolerating it delivers the message a situation is acceptable or that nothing is wrong.

In doing so, we also need to think about and offer a viable solution.

Maybe there were a few facts we were unaware of or perhaps we had not considered all the repercussions.

Ignore the drivel of the S.A.F.D.R. but always remember complaining simply for the sake of complaining is unproductive.

22 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

As scarce as a Pattaya virgin

The first edition of the 48-page glossy magazine Pattaya by Night, released in January 2006, was a Fun Town original. It was the first magazine to chronicle, in pictures, the activities inside a number of the city’s most prominent go-go bars. Pattaya by Night quickly had copycats; but then imitation is, as the saying goes, the sincerest form of flattery.

The first edition almost sold out, as did the second issue, which came out in August the same year.

For a variety of reasons only three more editions of the magazine were produced, in March 2007, April 2008, and July 2009. With only five issues printed Pattaya

by Night is now what would be referred to as a collectors item.

There are just 16 copies remaining of that first issue, and these are being sold on-line via

Thailand’s premier book and magazine website www.dcothai. com Among the go-go bars featured in that first issue are the now-defunct Club Electric Blue, Coyotee’s and Fantasia as well as Beavers, Carousel, Casino Club, Diamond, New Living Dolls, Super Baby, Super Girl and What’s Up. The second issue is also limited in numbers, with about 89 copies remaining for sale, and it too is being sold on-line at the same website. It has photos from the tragically doomed Route 999 club as well as Catz (now re-named Toyz), Club Boesche, Dollhouse, Heaven Above, Living Dolls Showcase, Secrets and Windmill.

Anyone interested in finding out more should go on-line to the following links:

http://www.dcothai.com/product_info.php?products_id=1262 (Pattaya by Night 1st. issue at $19.95) http://www.dcothai.com/product_info.php?products_id=844 (Pattaya by Night 2nd. issue at $14.95) DCOThai has also produced a digital book version of the fifth issue.

This can be found by following this link: http://ebooks.dco.co.th/magazines/view_document/11-pattaya-bynight-issue-5.html (Pattaya by Night 5th. issue Digital book version at $3.95) All prices shown above are in US dollars and the magazines or digital books can be purchased using PayPal or credit cards. Issues 3, 4 and the printed version of number 5 are also available on the DCOThai.com website.

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9 Seating for Dwarves and Garden Gnomes: I don’t recall ever spending a night on the tiles where the seating, and the quality thereof, became almost the focal point of the entire exercise. Yet this is what I found myself increasingly being concerned with during a reconnaissance of the seven go-go bars around the Soi 7 and 8 area.

Maybe if your backside has enough comfortable trackside then the overall experience of watching a bevy of cavorting damsels dance around the chrome poles is enhanced, albeit subtly.

Now, before some bum decides that maybe the problem is not the furnishings in the dens I’m about to write about but in fact has more to do with my own protruding posterior, I can assure you dear reader that my rear end does not resemble the back of a bus.

First port of call was the Sexy go-go in Soi 7. It’s at the Second Road end of the soi and has had a couple of owners and gone under different names over the few years it has been in operation. The music (although too loud) is the best thing about a joint that really needs someone to spend a few baht turning it from resembling an abandoned warehouse into a proper…think of a word that also begins with a ‘w’ and ends in ‘house’.

The bench-style seating along the right-hand side wall is narrow and bumpy, the upholstery having long ago surrendered to the pounding of bigger-boned persons placing their buttocks upon the cheap vinyl.

The seven dancing damsels (Dopey, Sleazy, Sneezy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy and Grumpier) were of average physical charms with at least six of them better suited to serving behind the confines of a beer boozer rather than disporting their apparel in a go-go. Lady drinks are a standard 100 baht while draft amber fluid is the discounted thirst-quencher at 50 baht a glass.

Towards the Beach Road end of Soi 7 is the Silver Star 2 go-go bar.

This is usually quite busy and has a small battalion of dancing maidens caressing the chrome poles on the small stage at the entrance or keeping their important orifices clean in the Jacuzzi further into the den. Apparel tends to be almost optional, at least when it comes to the upper body; I wonder how many of the wallet emptiers must spend a percentage of their salary fighting off chest infections?

While there are no real stunners in the place the majority of the dancers are young and lissome and appear to enjoy the loud car alarm music. The bench seating to the left of the entrance is also narrow, but without the bumps experienced in Sexy.

Draft goes off at 65 baht a glass.

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

N ghtmarch

By Duncan Stearn

A few doors closer to Beach Road, the relatively new Clinic go-go is still yet to find the right kind of medicine that will make it a real winner. The 20-plus crew of chrome pole molesters is a mixed bunch with some quite attractive young ladies, although they appeared to suffer from the same ‘my guano is odourless’ attitude prevalent in so many dens in Fun Town. The dress code is freestyle, similar to that of the damsels in Heaven Above in Soi Diamond. The white décor owes much to the aforementioned Heaven Above, but the bench seats are, like Sexy and Silver Star 2, narrow. The music, as you might expect, is standard loud car alarm.

Draft froth is 65 baht while other libations start at 100 baht and work up.

Around the corner on the way to Soi 8 is the long-established World Wide go-go. At last here was a place where the bench seating was wide and comfortable. The music was good and at a sensible decibel level. The hostesses are dressed like casino croupiers while the dancers are clearly attuned to the punters who are newcomers compared to the expats and long-termers. Plenty of uncovered flesh on show, although one overweight dancer could definitely use a Weight Watchers voucher for her next birthday.

Draft amber (Singha) is 55 baht a glass while the bottled variety is 70 baht and other thirst quenchers go higher than this.

Into Soi 8 and the original Silver Star go-go. Basically, refer to my comments above for Silver Star 2 as this place runs along the same lines.

The First go-go has been closed and then tried as a coyote den since the last time I wandered in. Back to being a go-go again I really don’t know how it survives. Not that it’s the worst place I’ve ever seen, far from it. The joint is in a bad location, being stuck behind a gauntlet of beer boozers and had just five dancers when I wandered in, and one of those was a ladyboy. It runs a happy hour from 7:00 until 10:00pm with bottled amber froth at 70 baht (no draft), so the incentive for the budget-conscious expat is removed. The music is good and not too loud; there’s a pool table (20 baht a game) and the bar fine is 600 baht. I left thinking, ‘how much longer?’

At the top of Soi 8 is Sexy Girls

Email: duncan@pattayaone.net

go-go. It expanded into the old U2 beer boozer about six months ago and has lost a little of the old intimacy it once possessed. Most of the dancers are average and reveal little, apart from the Jacuzzi girls of course, but it’s the music that makes this a winner. Modelled along the lines of the Tim go-go (Second Road), it features a large screen with music videos: I watched the likes of John Denver, Glen Campbell, Johnny Cash, Neil Young, Robbie Williams, and Pink Floyd while in the den. Worth a look if only for the music.

Low end of the market: Babydolls go-go is, for some people, a crass joint. Others find it, and its ilk (e.g. Windmill Club) confronting.

Still others claim it’s too much in your face (literally in many cases, even early in the evening). This reaction comes not only from those fairly new to the Dante’s Infernolike maelstrom that is Fun Town, but resident expats of many years standing. I like it, with some reservations. I tend to agree the activities of some patrons and damsels leaves a lot to be desired in terms of decorum, but then a Pattaya go-go bar is, by its very definition, hardly opened as an example of moral rectitude and propriety. You want tea and scones with the vicar on a Sunday you don’t come trawling in Pattaya.

I am not alone in liking Babydolls. A poll taken among the members on the www.pattayaddicts.com website finished up with Babydolls being ranked as their number one venue for 2010. OK, 54 votes or 10.71 percent of the total is hardly a ringing endorsement, but it’s still better than coming last. For the record, second place,

with 47 votes, went to Baccara with Airport third (46 votes) and Happy fourth (45 votes).

Word on the street: Along Soi Diamond the Mirage go-go is set to re-open sometime in February.

This is another place that may as well put a revolving door as its entrance because it seems to open and close with some monotony. I’m told the French owner is intending to kick it back into life again with ‘dirty girls’. Somehow I don’t think he meant angels with dirty faces.

And the beat goes on.

More in the bull than just the eye: Over on the Dark Side (east Pattaya) there are a number of beer boozers that have formed a Darts League. According to an informed source, there are three places vying for the championship title and a couple of these have resorted to ringing in a few class competitors to help them win matches. This has not gone down too well and I’m told one joint gained a measure of revenge on their away game by having a former world champion and two internationals play for them. It seems all a bit silly really considering the only prize at the end of a successful season is a trophy for the winning team.

Next thing you know one of the competitors will start bringing in some exotic dancers from some of the less salubrious chrome pole palaces and using their specialist dart firing dancers as ring-ins. They might not prove much good at getting a treble 20 but probably no one will be looking at the dartboard anyway when it’s their turn.

Piece of Pith: Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

" Voted Pattaya's

# 1 GoGo

2008, 2009 & 2010 " SOI 15 Walking Street www.babydollspattaya.com

24 Pattaya One

1 - 15 February 2011 Issue 9

Fun Town’s most vibrant

The truth about the Thai offer of a herd of elephants to fight for Abraham Lincoln in the American Civil War Historical Feature

By Duncan Stearn

King Mongkut & his son the future King Chulalongkorn When President James Buchanan of the United States penned a letter to King Mongkut (Rama IV) of Siam in May 1859 and included 192 books of US government publications in the accompanying package, the resultant reply from the Thai monarch has led to some misconceptions which continue to this day.

In May 1856 a commercial agreement between the United States and Siam, known as the Harris Treaty, was signed and later ratified by the United States Senate.

As a way of further cementing their relations, James Buchanan, then President of the United States, sent King Mongkut a gift comprising 192 books of US government publications. These arrived in 1860, a presidential election year.

Mongkut responded to this gift by sending a sword in a gold scabbard inlaid with silver, a daguerreotype portrait of himself with the future King Chulalongkorn, and a pair of elephant tusks as presents for the American president.

Included in this selection of gifts was a letter, dated 14 February 1861. Mongkut realised the length

of time taken by a voyage between Bangkok and Washington DC, and was aware presidential elections had taken place the previous November, so his letter, while addressed to James Buchanan, took account of the fact the latter may no longer have been in office. After the usual salutary greetings, Mongkut notes his receipt of an official letter from President Buchanan, ‘…to us from Washington dated at Washington 10th May Anno Christi 1859 which was Wednesday 10th night of Waxing moon in the Lunar month of Visakh, the 6th month reckoning from the commencement of the cold Season in the Year of Goat- 1st Decade of the Siamese Astronomical Era 1221, with a package of Books…’

Mongkut then goes on to make the point the reply is made to Buchanan ‘or to whomsoever the people have elected anew as Chief ruler in [his] place …’

Benefits The letter and the gifts were entrusted to a Captain Berrien of the USS John Adams, which had paid a courtesy call on Bangkok on behalf of the US government.

Mongkut notes, ‘During the interview in reply from Captain Berrien to our enquiries of various particulars relating to America, he stated that on that continent there are no elephants. Elephants are regarded as the most remarkable of the large quadrupeds…so that if any one has an elephants’ tusk of large size, and will deposit it in any public place, people come by thousands crowding to see it…

‘Having heard this it has occurred to us that, if on the continent of America there should be several pairs of young male and female elephants turned loose in forests where there was abundance of water and grass in any region under

the Sun’s declinations both North and South called by the English the Torrid Zone- and all were forbidden to molest them; to attempt to raise them would be well and if the climate there should prove favourable to elephants, we are of opinion that after a while they will increase till there be large herds as there are on the Continent of Asia until the inhabitants of America will be able to catch them and tame and use them as beasts of burden making them benefit to the country.’

The letter went on to extol the benefits of elephants to the construction of roads and stated Mongkut would be happy to send the animals to the United States if they so desired, but Siam did not have the means to be able to convey the beasts. He therefore asked that if ‘the President… and Congress who conjointly with him rule the country see fit to approve let them provide a large vessel loaded with hay and other food suitable for elephants on the voyage, with tanks holding a sufficiency of fresh water, and arranged with stalls so that the elephants can both stand & lie down in the ship- and send it to receive them. We on our part will procure young male and female elephants and forward them one or two pairs at a time.’

Pets By the time the gifts and the letter offering the elephants arrived in the United States, Abraham Lincoln was President. His reply to King Mongkut was a masterpiece of diplomatic tact and courtesy.

‘Your majesty’s letters show an understanding that our laws forbid the President from receiving these rich presents as personal treasures.

They are therefore accepted in accordance with Your Majesty’s desire as tokens of your good will and friendship for the American

People…’

Lincoln went on to address the offer of elephants, diplomatically stating, ‘I appreciate most highly Your Majesty’s tender of…a stock from which a supply of elephants might be raised on our own soil.

This Government would not hesitate to avail itself of so generous an offer if the object were one which could be made practically useful in the present condition of the United States.

‘Our political jurisdiction, however, does not reach a latitude so low as to favour the multiplication of the elephant, and steam…has been our best and most efficient agent of transportation in internal commerce.’ Basically, thanks, but no thanks.

For some strange reason, the contents of the original letter have been distorted to the extent there has arisen a belief King Mongkut did indeed send a herd of elephants which were received and kept by James Buchanan as pets, while others are under the impression Mongkut’s offer was made direct to Abraham Lincoln suggesting elephants could be used to help the Union in its struggle with the Confederacy following the outbreak of the American Civil War in 1861.

In fact, no elephants ever left the shores of Thailand for a life of free ranging in the forests of the United States, and most assuredly the offer was initially made to President Buchanan with the reply coming from his successor President Lincoln. King Mongkut’s offer was made prior to the outbreak of the American Civil War and the letter therefore contains no suggestion of any elephants being used for the purposes of war. An intriguing story, but a myth nonetheless.

Elephant near Wat Phra Keow

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.