Volume 2 / Apr-May 2011
SCREAMS
from Within
How
Men Love
Love Bytes:
In Spite Of
s i w e L e a R n o t n r o h T
A DEMONIC COMBINATION:
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Beloved Magazine takes readers through an enchanting and enlightening walk through love, romance, relationships, passion, sexuality and sensuality all from the Christ perspective. Geared towards mature audiences, married and single, this publication is about learning to love self and others through a whole and holistic intimate and embracing relationship with God - first.
Contributors
Publisher E. Claudette Freeman Editor-in-Chief Tymira Mack
Rae Lewis-Thornton
Carol Lynne Watson
E. Claudette Freeman
Creative Director E. Chantaye Watson Graphic Design Jenette Sityar Media/Publicity Margarate Mucheru Aldith St. Marthe Customer Service JoAn Bonjoc
Maureen Dube
Linda Moise
Ronn Elmore
Shanteria “Poetizer� Griglen
S.L. Wells
Norvell A.S. Holyfield
Tymira Mack
Pearl Bowden
Administrative Assistant Tameca Acree Pecan Tree Publishing is a Emily C. Freeman Holdings, LLC company. ISSN 2159-3736 Online and ISSN 2159-3728. For advertising, marketing or submission information, please feel free to contact our offices at: info@pecantreepress.com, 877-207-2442, fax: 877-842-3263; our visit the website at:www.pecantreemags.com.
Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone
Contents 6
Letting Go of the Shame
15
My Journey to Peace Begins
19
nderstanding How We Love Male intimacy: U An Introspective Self-Examination...
22
Loving Your Husband Just Felt Right
25
Screams from Within
28
Extreme Forgiveness
30
Trust Again?
34
If Only
36
Peel
38
In spite of...
40
I Hate Math / MAT1033
42
Pounds
44
S . L. Wells Column: Wells of Wellness
49
The Making of a Pearl
54
omen at the Crossroads: W How to Move Forward With Purpose
56
From the Soul of a Woman
60
Before you go… Love Never Fails
LETTING GO OF THE
SHAME RAE LEWIS-THORNTON
Educated, attractive, assertive and ambitious are just a few of the words used to describe Rae Lewis-Thornton. In 1986, during a routine blood drive visit at a Washington D.C. Red Cross, Rae received news of another word that would soon be used to describe her health and future. At the tender age of 23, Rae Lewis-Thornton was diagnosed HIV Positive. Despite her present day status of having full-blown AIDS (ACQUIRED Immune-deficiency Syndrome), Rae Lewis-Thornton leads her own unending crusade to educate and challenge young and old audiences to take control of their own bodies, futures and health. Rae uses her life as an example that AIDS is a non-discriminatory disease. She challenges the most common myths and stereotypes surrounding who and how one can become infected with the HIV virus that most often results in AIDS and death. In doing this, she incorporates her own oratory skills, personal experiences and unyielding honesty to create and disseminate her critical and deadly message of her own day by day, personal destruction by AIDS. Support her work and her efforts via her blog: www.raelewisthornton.com.
6  |  BELOVED
I
’m gonna admit that I have been holding onto a deep, dark secret that has been weighing me down. I have not talked about it openly and freely. No, I haven’t lived in total isolation, my close friends know, and I have mentioned it in a speaking engagement or two if I’m asked, but only if I’m asked, because I find no use in lying. But for the most part I have kept it close to my heart. Yes, people have reached out to me on this topic in private, but what I could have said very publicity to help others, I haven’t. I rationalized to myself, “Can’t I have some private issues?” Yes I can, but in truth,
privacy has not been the reason for my non-disclosure. And let’s be honest, it goes against the grain of my life. For me, it’s about using my life/pain/ joys to help others. But I just couldn’t! I got in the way, or better yet, maybe my pride got in the way of my ministry. And I have had this heavy dose of guilt to match my shame. Let me be honest... *Deep Breath* I am ashamed! Yes, I am ashamed that I have herpes. And like with most things, I can never, ever seem to have anything easy. I have herpes that is resistant to ALL oral medications. And yes I, the woman who has faced everything head on, am
ashamed of the fact! Close your mouth! At first having herpes was a breeze, or at least I came to see it that way. I just wasn’t bothered at all, not one bit. But now, my herpes is laced with a heaping dose of the DEVIL; mainly because AIDS and herpes are a deadly combination that should not be played with. And make no mistake; it has turned my world upside down and around again and again. I have had to undergo a slew of intravenous drug treatments because of herpes! Sometimes I don’t know if I’m going or coming. Let’s start from the beginning. I contracted herpes in
B E L O V E D | 7
college. It was 1982 and it was one of the most talked about diseases on college campuses across this country. There were even cover stories in magazines about herpes. So yes, it was a hot topic when I was infected. Why the hell wasn’t I listening to the discussion? I was a very serious young woman at the center of cutting edge issues and politics on campus. I was not using drugs or drinking. I was not hanging out with the wild bunch. I was about the business. So what happened? As smart and as on top of things as I was, how did I end up contracting herpes? I didn’t think anyone I would have sex with could possibility have herpes, ironically much like people and HIV today. I didn’t have sex with those kinds of people, so I thought! So at 18, I contracted herpes on the campus of Southern Illinois University, before I 8 | BELOVED
had even heard about HIV/AIDS. I knew this guy and I really had a crush on him and I believed that he liked me equally as much. I had met him at the beginning of the semester of my freshman year and we spent hours talking about everything. No, I was not easily fooled; I left my Mama’s house my senior year of high school and went to SIU a year after I graduated. So I knew the game. Hell, I even played it myself. I was not this young foolish girl wearing sucker across my chest. I was smart, serious, and even street smart, so how did my slick self get out slicked? Well, I really liked this guy. Did I say that? And I have to admit that I had sex with men I loved and I had sex with men that I wanted to love me. This perfect gentleman and I spent no time fooling around. Honestly, for months we spent
most of our time just holding hands and enjoying each other’s company and exploring each other’s mind. But the problem was my slick self talked a big game when it came to sex. Yes, we went there in our conversations, doesn’t everybody? I met him that September and we didn’t have sex until that April, seven whole months later! I knew everything there was to know about him, so I thought. So when the time came, I knew it would be perfect. Yes, we talked about everything except STD’s. In fact, that never even crossed my mind - we were not “those type of people.” Yes, we talked about protection, but protection for me during this time was not getting pregnant and having Mama say I told you so. So like most young girls of my era, I popped birth control pills. I remember the night like it was yesterday. He lit candles in his dorm room and the night was everything he had promised it to be and so much more. He took his time and “made love” to me. Yep! The brotha was on point. I knew this relationship was going somewhere. We were so compatible. We shared so much and, BINGO! We were compatible in bed, what more could a woman want? At 19 I thought I had landed my prince charming and all was right with the world. But a couple of days later I was itching really bad and was pretty sore down there. But I assumed that the soreness was from the sex. I mean this was one fun night. While using the bathroom I could have sworn I saw something crawling on my pubic
hairs. Yes I said crawling. That scared the mess out of me. So I got a mirror and a flashlight and put it between my legs. When I put the flashlight close to my hairs, I could see these little bugs crawling all over my hairs like ants attacking a piece of sugar. I was scared out of my freaking mind and I don’t scare easy. Then when I put the mirror lower, I could see that the opening of my vagina was raw and red. I got up, dressed, and went straight to student health services. Having that middle aged, white male doctor look between my legs was worse than anything my Mama could have done to me. I felt dirty. But what came next made me feel like a worthless whore. He looked for all of about 30 seconds, honest to God, then he said to me, “You can get dressed now.” I looked at him in silence but didn’t move. As he was taking off his gloves, he said to me, “You should watch who you are sleeping around with young lady. You have crabs and herpes.” We can treat the crabs but there is NO CURE for herpes. You will just have to live with it. I repeated what he said to me, “Crabs and herpes.” I fought back the tears as he left the room. I was not gonna let this man see me cry. But cry is exactly what I did on the long walk from student health services to my dorm. I had replayed it over and over in my head. I did everything right. I got to know him. I “took my time.” How could this happen to me? He was the perfect gentleman. I had no idea that day that this STD called herpes would become
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B E L O V E D | 9
the Devil that years later would make my life a living hell. I had no idea that day how one night had deeply affected my future. That day I simply cried and washed... washed and cried... I was so ashamed that I isolated myself in my dorm room for the rest of the week. I didn’t leave to go to class. I ordered carry-out and I made excuses to my girlfriends for not hanging out. I felt like the scum of the earth. And for the first time ever I seriously thought about killing myself. I’m not sure what saved me, except to say: But
10 | BELOVED
GOD! I was at a really dark place for about 5 days. On Monday, I was still alive but I felt like I had been through some sort of detox. I dragged myself out of bed and showered. I knew I couldn’t stay in my room for the rest of the semester, so I pulled it together and went to class. It was crazy; I had to figure out how to go on with my life. I had this disease that had no cure and at the time basically NO treatment. All there was at that time was a cream that relieved the itching but that was about it. I also had to face my dating life. I decided off the bat that I would disclose my herpes status to my partners. And just like with HIV later on, I found that men were still willing to date and have sex with me. With
disclosure there became a level of respect that helped to grow the relationship. I fundamentally felt that I had no right to put someone at risk. I had to disclose and respect their choices. I also had to accept a NO, if it came. Accept that a person had a right to make what they believe is the best decision for them, and that it is not a rejection of me but rather they made what they felt was the best choice for them. I almost never had a herpes outbreak after that first few months. You would have thought that becoming infected with the herpes virus would have been my biggest lesson, but the fact that my outbreaks were not an issue, I once again started living on a level of arrogance and in the Pretty Woman Syndrome looking for Mr. Right. But he never came. On my journey of looking for Mr. Right, I got HIV. HIV and herpes, as I said, are a marriage made in hell. And there will never be a divorce, just a “War of the Roses.” So how did my herpes go from an outbreak once every two years to drug resistant? And how did my herpes go from one tiny sore into something that looks like someone took pliers and pulled the skin back on my vulva? And how does a superwoman like me lose her mojo and let shame consume her once again? How do I talk openly about AIDS in my life and at the same time guard herpes with my life?
Glad you asked... See it was like this, AIDS and herpes are a deadly combination and together have wrecked havoc on my life in these past few years. And not only has it broken my spirit, it has left me struggling to maintain my dignity. The day in the hospital that I had to spread my legs and let twelve doctors look at my vagina to see the chaos that one mistake over 20 years earlier had caused, every bit of my pride went out the window. I was so ashamed. At that moment nothing could make me feel good about myself. As doctor after doctor took a closer look, I became that little girl again fighting back my Mama’s words, “See, you ain’t nothing but a little whore.” And nothing could take away the shame I felt. Nothing. Not 27 years of education, not one fabulous diamond necklace I own, not my best St. John Knit or a pair of Chanel pumps. Nothing. Not being on the cover of magazines or even my Emmy Award could make me muster up an ounce of self worth. I felt like I had hit rock bottom that day. HIV and herpes had double teamed me and they were in fact the Devil between my legs. I had invited this Devil to the party. You see because I almost never had a herpes outbreak after my initial diagnosis; in some ways, I let my guard down and that left me vulnerable to HIV. What I didn’t know is that having herpes makes it easier to contract HIV. But honestly,
if I had remembered that men When I made a transition to who seem nice and have things AIDS, about 7 years after I was on the ball also had sexually diagnosed with HIV, I started to have more herpes outbreaks. The doctors explained that this was typical for people that have an impaired immune system with less of an ability to fight off infection. So they started me on the standard medical protocol of treatment. In the early days of AIDS, anti-viral treatment was mediocre at best, so preventing infections was the driving force with treating people with AIDS. For the most part it seemed to be under control. Then one transmitted diseases, I would day, out of town on a speakhave never stopped using con- ing engagement, I got one tiny doms after I was infected with sore on the back of my leg that herpes. But because I believed, hurt so bad I could barely walk. and so did the medical com- I called my doctor in Chicago munity at the time, that you and she told me to come home couldn’t infect someone with immediately. I was having an herpes unless you actually had outbreak of herpes zoster, beta sore and that combined with ter known as shingles. She exthe fact that I dated men that plained that it would get worse were “the cream of the crop,” I and the pain would become set myself up for a false sense unbearable. In my superwomof security. After the guy who an fashion, I told her to patch gave me herpes, I went back to me up as best as she could, I dating older more established wasn’t coming home until after men. But that meant nothing I spoke. By that evening when in the face of AIDS. So I became I dressed to go speak, I had infected with a second sexu- sores from the top of my butt ally transmitted disease that to the bottom of my toes. How would alter the course of my I stood in those 4 inch heels life forever. AIDS was a new vi- and spoke for two hours that rus, and the doctors had no way night is still beyond me. After of guessing that the combina- that, I was bedridden for altion of AIDS and herpes would most two months and the pain be the Devil! And years later was so bad that I had to take it would become the combina- morphine. tion that would send me into It was the beginning of my a self loathing like no other. collision with herpes and AIDS. B E L O V E D | 11
Herpes is an opportunistic infection for people with AIDS. After that first outbreak of zoster, I started having weird herpes. In one occurrence, I had another weird looking sore on my vulva. I went to the doctor and she had no idea what it was. It did not look like your typical herpes lesion so she did a culture, and while we were waiting on the results, the sore grew from nowhere and my clit looked like someone had taken pliers and pulled the skin back. My doctor started to panic and took a bioscopy. Yes, she cut the open sore. And after two cultures and a biopsy they determined that it was indeed herpes. This time I went into the hospital and the chief of the hospital oversaw my case. I was way embarrassed. Not only was he the medical chief of
the hospital, but also an infectious disease doctor who knew me from my activism. But, to his credit, he showed a lot of compassion and worked hard on my case. After about 10 days I was mostly cleared and they let me go home. The doctor found this treatment in the form of a cream in the medical journals where the primary ingredient was from an IV medi-
me to admit that this was a “newly exposed” infection to herpes. He said, “There’s no way this could be the same herpes you have had all these years.” But it was. I had not had sex in over a year; yet he kept pressing me as if I was lying, and that pissed me off. My shame was now mixed with anger. I was not going to let him call me a whore too, even if I felt like one. I had to fight to maintain some of my dignity. Doctors finally concluded that there is a part of my immune system that will not repair itself and cannot fight off this resistant herpes. After they released me from the hospital, for the third time, they sent me home with IV medication in tote. I did the drip 6 hours, two times a day, at home for another 33 days. After the second drug resistant outbreak the next one came eight months later, then six months, and now they are coming it seems every three months. They have tried everything under the sun. Cream that costs $700 and cream that cost $23, cream that works on another virus and may work on this one. They have played around with the drops that treat herpes in the eyes and different dosages of the oral medication, but nothing seems to work except the IV medication. After three hospitalizations, three biopsies of my clitoris and an increasing number of times I will have to undergo outpatient
“He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured.”
12 | BELOVED
cation, Cidofovir. They sent me home with that but three days later the herpes came back and was worse than ever. I went back into the hospital, this time for 23 days. Stroger being a teaching hospital, my vagina became a case study for doctors on rounds. There in bed you can’t help but wonder what these doctors think of you while looking at your vagina, AIDS and herpes. I was ashamed. My choices had gotten me both of these diseases. I could have done something different that would have rendered a different outcome, and that’s a fact. I know for sure that the doctors were really blown away by the magnitude of this infection. My t-cell and viral load were really good and based on that I should not be having opportunistic infections of this magnitude, but I am. I had one doctor so perplexed by the intensity of the outbreak that he tried to get
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IV medication treatment, I am so beat down. I am typically on the IV for about 15-33 days a month, six hours a day. It’s been a long four years. And to make matters worse I have been carrying the burden of this shame. There was a part of me that believed people wouldn’t have compassion for me while on the IV medication if they knew that I was being treated for herpes. I believed that people would look on my herpes with contempt. I’ve been so open about everything else but how do you tell someone that you are on IV medication because you have genital herpes that is not treatable with oral medication. There is a sense of shame that I cannot explain. Yes, it’s an AIDS related opportunistic infection, but it somehow carries a shame battling pneumonia does not.
Even when I have told people, they get very quiet. I feel like they are holding back their judgments to my face, but inside or saying behind my back, “This heifer got AIDS, now she has herpes that you can’t treat like “normal” people. What the hell has she been doing with her life?” Many of my Twitter followers have been supportive during my IV treatments encouraging me to go on. It’s an aggressive treatment that wipes me totally out. When people would ask specifics about the infection, I would just say I had an AIDS related infection but never say what it was. I was just too ashamed to tell the truth. But I’m tired of hiding. I can no longer deal with the rigor of the treatment and the shame and stigma at the same time. So if I lose supporters be-
cause my AIDS related infection happens to be another sexually transmitted disease, then so be it. I can’t hide any longer. I have drug resistant herpes because I have AIDS. But I have both herpes and AIDS because I made choices years ago that have left me fighting for my life and my dignity for the rest of my life. These are facts that cannot be changed. It is what it is! But I can no longer go through the aggressive IV treatment with shame weighing me down. Stress is not good for herpes and by living in this shame I have created an environment that is not conducive to healing. There is an African Proverb that says, “He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured.” So I am letting go of shame - so I can be treated in an environment of healing and hope.
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I
n June of 1999, I was 29 years old, newly separated, and living on my own for the first time. This is where I believe my journey really began. My separation was devastating to me and it came (I will admit) unexpectedly. My ex-husband and I had a very turbulent marriage. He suffered from anxiety and depression. The medicine the doctor prescribed did not work well for him and he sought happiness in other places. There was an endless amount of extra – marital affairs and verbal abuse in the relationship and at times the abuse became physical. We had moments of happiness, but they were temporary. When things were great, they were great, but when things were bad, they were extremely ugly and painful. I should have left within the first year, but like a lot of women, I thought I had some magical formula to make the marriage work. I knew the marriage was a disaster, but I did nothing to put an end to the relationship. As cowardly as my ex-husband did it, he was the one who made the decision to leave. In spite of the troubles, his decision to leave crushed me. I came home one day, June 14, 1999 to be exact, to find my husband and everything he owned gone. There was no letter of explanation, but the wedding band he left on top of the television spoke volumes. I was devastated. For a while I was physically unable to move. I experienced an amazing range of emotions in a few short moments. As I stood in the open doorway, realizing that my world had changed without my permission, I experienced everything from hurt, self-pity, anger and even hate. My world had changed and there was nothing I could do about it. The first person I called was my cousin Sabrina. I am not sure why I called her or what she said when I called; I know that whatever she said to me in those important first moments may have saved my life. What he did by leaving so cowardly was inexcusable and heart breaking. We had been married for 3 years and I felt I deserved better than that cowardly exit. I could not go to
My Journey to Peace Begins CAROL LYNNE WATSON B E L O V E D | 15
work for a few days after this happened. For the first three days I was never alone. My visits consisted of me sitting crying while my visitor sat patiently letting me. My supervisor would leave work early to come and sit with me for hours and would allow others to do the same. When I finally went back to work, no one ever mentioned it again. I did not realize how beneficial those first three days had been for me. It was cleansing in a sense. At the end of the three-day stint, I slept peacefully without being interrupted by bouts of crying. I realized that he not being there was the best thing that could have happened to me. The marriage had been tiring, exhausting and eventful. I needed the break. A couple of years later, my boss asked my opinion about an IPO (Initial Public Offering) that was available for purchase by our company. The stock was selling for $6.66. I advised that we should not buy a stock that was being sold for 666, the sign of the devil. He said, “Come on you don’t believe in the devil do you”? I said “of course I do, I was married to him for three years”. I had come to realize that my husband leaving, as painful as it was, was a blessing because as much as I hated to admit it at the time, the marriage had been more painful than the separation. When he left, we were at the end of our lease. I had to find a place I could afford on my own. I found a little place in an area that was going through (unknown to me at the time), the same thing I was about to go through, revitalization. I was living alone for the first time, and again, it was not by my choice. I had just moved into a little two-bedroom duplex in downtown Hollywood, Florida. Downtown Hollywood sits in a great location in Broward County Florida. I was minutes away from the beach by car, and within walking distance of the main strip, Hollywood Boulevard. Downtown Hollywood was being revived during this time, and this was a place where they had 16 | BELOVED
jazz clubs lining the streets, outdoor art festivals, live bands playing in the streets, and plenty of trendy restaurants to choose from. This was truly a great place to live for someone in my situation, but I was unable to see that at first. All I could see was I no longer had the nice apartment in the brand new area of town, and I no longer had the man I was in love with. I confided to my best friend Sharon that the place I was living in did not feel like home to me. I was surrounded by all of my things, but I felt so far away from home. Sharon told me to light some of my scented candles and relax. She said that when it started to smell like home, it would feel like home. I did just as she advised and before long I was comfortable in that space. I have always decorated my bedroom to feel like a sanctuary and this place was no different. My bed was adorned with a beautiful comforter and sheets with patterns of flowers, petals and leaves. I had an array of silk floral arrangements and fresh flowers as well as beautiful candles. I had a rug next to my bed that was not only lovely to step unto when I got out of bed, but lovely to look at as well. I had been given a large, beautiful lounge chair with bold pink and white stripes on it and that chair was just right for sitting with a good book. I had beautiful art on the walls as well as a bookshelf which held all of my favorite books. It was a very personal space and it was beautiful. The bathroom was directly across the hall from my bedroom, and one night I ran a bubble bath, lit some candles, and sank into the bathtub. I had the door of my bedroom open, and since I lived alone, I also left the bathroom door open. At a certain point, I opened my eyes, looked out the bathroom door noticing the beauty, appeal and peace of my bedroom. In that moment, I felt so relaxed and at peace, finally. I said out loud, “I love this place.” Not only did I
feel at home there, I had fallen in love with my space in that moment. It was not just my space; it was the atmosphere I loved as well. There was nobody there to tell me negative things or make me feel bad about myself. Every item in my home represented the things I loved, because being single and living alone meant not having to compromise my style for the benefit of another. I was on my own for the first time and I was at peace for the first time since I was a little girl. Being on my own for the first time also meant paying all my own bills for the first time. It was the first time I was responsible for my own safety and my own comfort. I had to grow up. I had already made the decision after my separation, not to move back in with my parents, but to step out on my own. Now I had to follow through with that decision. Things were tough at first. I would frequent different restaurants and stores alone in the evenings. When I was married and out past 8 or 9 at night, I had someone calling to see where I was and when I would be home. Now my cell phone did not ring. No one knew I was not at home, no one noticed that I was not there. Many nights I would be home and that realization made me feel lonely and alone. It was during one of those nights out that my life turned around. I was at a bookstore in Hollywood browsing the self-help section. I came across a book and the title caught my attention. It was a book by Victoria Moran and it was titled, “Creating a Charmed Life.” The book was an easy read and it kept my attention throughout. I was so inspired by this book, that I was prompted to do something I had never done before. I wrote the author. To my surprise, she wrote me back. I learned so many things from that little book, and I made a decision that from that moment on I too would live a charmed existence. I started calling my home the Charmed Cottage. I would say to myself, “what a charmed life I have.” Before I knew it, my life was charmed. I decorated my home with things I found to be charming, I went places alone that I found charming and I found a few friends that were not only charming, but were living charmed lives as well. It was an amazing time in my life. For the first time, I was experiencing things
around me that had been there all along, but I had been so caught up in grief that I totally missed them. I started to take advantage of the great community I was living in. I walked to
CAROL LYNNE WATSON is an author, a ministry leader, a lover of life, a free spirit and a believer that everyone should live their life in peace. When not writing she enjoys traveling, singing, hanging out at her favorite coffee and frozen yogurt spots and meeting new people. She is the mother of three amazing children and her fourth “baby”, Abby the Great Dane. This peace is from her first book THE JOURNEY TO PEACE: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Inner Peace. She is working on a collection of books for pre-teen girls called the HIP PEACE CHICKS series. B E L O V E D | 17
Hollywood Boulevard on Friday nights to listen to the bands, have dinner or both. I had coffee and dessert at a sidewalk café and talked with a few interesting people that walked by. If no one else wanted to go out on Tuesday nights to my favorite jazz club and listen to my new favorite band, I would go alone. What a charmed life I had, indeed. When they opened a new Starbucks in Hollywood, I would go there on a Saturday morning, drink my coffee and read the paper. My life had slowed down, I was operating at my own pace and for the first time in a long time, it felt great to be me. I have a few regrets about that time period, decisions I wish I would have made, things I wish I had done differently, but without a doubt those two years, were some of the best days of my life. When I look back on that time; I smile. I have a song within my spirit. At times I dance to its rhythm.
18 | BELOVED
The words flow through me with an easy pace. Sometimes I laugh when I hear the lyrics, Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh so hard that I cry. I can feel the rhythm. Can you hear what I hear? Sometimes it’s an easy, mellow, smooth type of beat, Sometimes it moves so fast it makes my heart race. Some days it’s like listening to jazz in the park early on a Sunday morning, Some days it’s the hip-hop that awakens the downtown Hollywood streets on a Friday night. Some days I feel like singing! Some days I just want to hum. The music feeds my spirit and it speaks to me, speaks thru me. Nothing else touches me like my own rhythm. Do you hear what I hear?
Understanding How We Love
MALE INTIMACY: AN INTROSPECTIVE SELF-EXAMINATION... ELLINGTON JACKSON
Intimacy (a personal definition)—the act of being emotionally open & vulnerable, exposed to the element of human connection; opening up and allowing another person to enter your aura/your space in order to strengthen and deepen the bond between you and another. Types: Sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. Syn: Love. Trust. Honesty. B E L O V E D | 19
I
n defining intimacy, my thought process leads me to the conclusion that if I plan to write an article on intimacy, then I, myself, should open up and…be “intimate”. When it comes to a topic so dynamic and personal, I hesitate to make generalizations about all men. On this journey of introspection, I shall attempt to be both the writer and the case study—a perspective rarely attempted, but hopefully compelling. By doing so, I hope the men that read this find clarity, kinship, and possibly the courage to perform their own self-examinations and be more intimate in those moments when we know we should be, but don’t or can’t. For women, I can’t tell you “how to get your man to open up” per se, but what this piece might do is provide a glimpse into the mind/heart/soul of one man. I hope it will provide you with a better understanding of what obstacles possibly stand between you and the intimacy and love you desire from him. Furnished with that information, perhaps women can find within themselves more compassion, understanding, patience, and devise a viable technique that will allow their man to feel less apprehensive about “letting you in.” Let’s see how this goes…*Letting the butterflies settle*… I’ve always considered myself a magnified giver of love and intimacy (toot toot!). However, if I had to be brutally honest, my ability to receive intimacy is atrocious. I’m quite sure if you speak with any woman who has tried she will attest to this fact. I don’t relish the idea of “being open”. I often don’t see the benefit of intimacy (when I refer to “intimacy”, I’m referring to emotional intimacy, unless stated otherwise) for me. I find myself concerned with setting an expectation of openness that I might not be in the mood for at a later date or time. I often feel accosted when a woman expects me to be open because she believes she’s entitled to it, but saying that in the moment is a horrible idea and would only undermine her and us. I don’t fear intimacy per se, but I do harbor intense trepidation at the expectation of consistent intimacy. You see, since one act of intimacy can precipitate a landslide of expectations, even a single vulnerable moment can be dangerous and thus, assiduously avoided. I imagine women feel this yoyo effect all the time—the need/compulsion for a single, intensely intimate and emotional cathartic 20 | BELOVED
act by a man followed by the immediate retreat from and emotional disdain of said act. Personally, that singular expression of intimacy requires me to emotionally and intellectually breach all comfort barriers and is very disconcerting. I believe in my early 20’s I was more receptive to intimacy. However, over time I found myself spiritually marginalized. Intellectually, I felt isolated. Emotionally, I was abandoned. Sexually…well sexually, I was quite fine now that I think of it. At some point, protectionism became my modus operandi and my “intimate dexterity” withered away. If I had to delve into my adult past to uncover the reason for this, I would likely trace it back to two relationships where I was in love, but heartbroken back-to-back. One woman literally abandoned me, simply ceased all communication. The last phone call went “Hello! Hey I’m painting my room right now I’ll call you back”...that was 2000! The other woman I loved broke up with me on the church steps. With the church incident, I remember being dressed in a suit, crying on the steps of the church, while she stood there seeming so…so… indifferent. I vividly remember jumping in my car and speeding through streets, trying to peer through blurry-eyed tears of pain and cope with a cavernous aching in my chest. Both incidents happened within a year of each other! I wasn’t unfaithful in either relationship, I hadn’t been inattentive, nor was I making a myriad of mistakes we as men tend to make in relationships. I was good…great even! In moments like the ones I describe above, male and female support networks function much differently. I didn’t call up my boys so they all could tell me how handsome I was, or how stupid those women were for leaving me. They all didn’t come over for movie night and ice cream to comfort me and to discuss our feelings about women. My father didn’t tell me how amazing a son/man I was and that I shouldn’t worry. He didn’t tell me there was a woman out there for me and that I just had to be patient. Instead, and I imagine this is what happens to most men after traumatic events, I simply went home and coped…alone. Consequently, I believe I lost sight of how being vulnerable benefited me. Even ‘til this day when I’m in a situation where I know I should open up, I
honestly can’t figure out the benefit to me. My eyes see a woman who wants to get close to me as an opportunist whose sole purpose for getting close is simply so she can say she’s close; thereby, satisfying her desires of fulfillment disguised as an attempt to “be there for me”. Those same eyes view her as an emotional pirate who seeks to plunder my heart when I’m most vulnerable and abscond with my masculinity. I fully recognize that this is probably grossly inaccurate, but I did state that I would be open, and emotions are emotions, and they require very little, if any, rationale. I assure you ladies, men [I] need the intimacy you have to offer. I (and possibly other men) just need to not feel leveraged by you and your
awareness, of my/our needs! However, as a man, I do need to be brave enough and mature enough to not revert back once I’ve allowed us to experience intimacy and a deeper connection! In conclusion, I realize that vulnerability/intimacy is necessary, always desired, and rejuvenates, but I’ve discovered I lack the habits, “safe environment”, and road map to achieve it. What I will admit is that I’m trying to transcend this current paradigm to one that allows me to feel like a man while simultaneously craving/experiencing deep, soul-bearing, gut-curdling, heart-swelling, categorically engulfing intimacy and love. I think that went well *exhale*... B E L O V E D | 21
LOVING YOUR HUSBAND JUST FELT RIGHT E. CLAUDETTE FREEMAN
T
hat morning I left home, walked around the corner and climbed into his car. It wasn’t unusual. There were so many afternoons he would pick me up from school, take me to his place and we’d study each other. Then he’d drive me to the block where we both lived and drop me around the corner. I’d walk the corner, my books near the breasts he’d been holding, happy because he touched and enjoyed me. So that morning, I was happy but when he dropped me off this time it became bittersweet. I went about my day and by afternoon I’d settled on the porch pretending to read. I flipped the pages as I watched his family dressed to the nines preparing to head to his wedding. The sting of the moment is still very ripe. I carried the secret for so long because it reminded me of a young woman who did not know her value. She had no idea that she was worth more than sexual indiscretions that she equated with love. I tried not to ask myself the question, but even at 17 it rang like an enormous bell in my ear – if he loves you why are watching him leave to marry someone else? I was like a giddy kid. He was coming over and the night was going to be magical; after all, it was his first time in my new place. The steak was tender, the baby potatoes bathed in sour cream, the salad was crisp and his favorite beer was chilling in the freezer. I knew the night was going to be magical because I was working the magic. The candles lifted their aroma throughout the townhouse, and the bed was adorned in my new satin sheets. It was magical until about midnight, when the hour dictated he needed to beat her home. I understood the rules and so did he – I didn’t complain and he didn’t complain when he had to pay rent because I was lonely. I tried not to ask myself the question, but even in my 20s it rang like an enormous bell in my ear – is the subtle manipulation for money and the hidden rendezvous what love is all about? 22 | BELOVED
These moments had become the most problematic to deal with. What was the lingering at the door really all about with him? I kept asking myself that question. He lingers at the door and that thing, that junk that happens when we’re close fills the doorway. When he lingers at the door, it’s hard, so incredibly hard to ignore the look in his eyes. It is almost impossible not to read the unwritten invitation to grab hold to him. That is what makes these moments so problematic. Problematic became passion suddenly one fall afternoon. He lingered at the door. The he lingered just inside the locked door and my hand lingered on his chest as he hands lingered on my healthy hips. We lingered to long. He called later in the evening to remind me that he would be gone a few days. He and his wife and kids were going on vacation. He came over to say good-bye before they left. I tried not to ask myself the question, but even after 40 it rang like an enormous bell in my ear – if he loves you why is he whispering good bye in your ear and leaving to pick up his family? I would love to say that these are just intriguing introductions to short fictional pieces. They are not. They are my reality. For a large part of my adult life my experiences with relationships have been with married or otherwise committed men. While it may seem strange to say, I hold nothing against any of them. Their adulterous moments aside they were all great guys and good friends – most still are that to me – friends. It took me a long time to realize that they and that specific type of man were not for me. Yet, engaging in the experiences allowed me to hide from potential rejection. I expected to be rejected. The big girls typically were. So rather than face the sneers and the turning up of noses, I discovered that I could find wonderful comfort, tremendous passion, good listeners and in some instances providers in my married men. Dr. Deborah Jones-Allen explains that my experience of seeking illicit relationships because of rejection is not unusual. “Rejection and low self esteem is often a manifestation of childhood experiences, and relationships that had verbal abuse. It is often associated with being overweight, appearance, and a result of value and worth. If the mother exposed the daughter to low self esteem the mother-daughter conflict is often times seen
with defiance, disregard and anger this will spill into late adult life.” Dr. Jones-Allen also notes that seeking love in adulterous relationships becomes a learned behavior that must be unlearned if self-respect and self-esteem are to be groomed and respected. Not every woman who purposely engages in adulterous relationships, even as Christians, does so because of rejection or because she is afraid of giving her heart to God in faith. For some it is a matter of financial and material benefits. For some it is a matter of engaging in a relationship where commitment is not going to become a big conversation no one wants to have. And still for some it is the belief that the married partner is not happy in the marital relationship and she is who he really wants. Whatever the reason, the Bible is clear that each man should be with his own wife and each wife should be with her own husband. The reason is obvious. Still beneath the surface there are emotional and psychological ramifications that can leave “the other woman” or “the other man”: bitter, angry, lonely, fearful and rejected. Part of my unlearning adultery as a lifestyle process was learning: what love is and is not, what love needs to be for me B E L O V E D | 23
“Rejection and low self esteem is often a manifestation of childhood experiences, and relationships that had verbal abuse. It is often associated with being overweight, appearance, and a result of value and worth. If the mother exposed the daughter to low self esteem the mother-daughter conflict is often times seen with defiance, disregard and anger this will spill into late adult life.” and most importantly could I love myself enough to find God’s love in and for me. Unlearning the essence, behaviors, mindset and comfortability of being the secret on the side, meant taking a deliberate step into celibacy and a deliberate journey to learn how to love me. Dr. Jones-Allen says a good approach for those conditioned by adultery is to talk to someone like a counselor. “Talk Therapy can be used to discover thoughts and the belief system and patterns. Talk therapy is a non- judgmental, non-condemnation attitude with the goal of uncovering negative thoughts, patterns and irrational belief systems in efforts to go beyond the surface.” Therapy for adultery? Surely you are kidding! The continual and deliberate enjoyment of another person’s spouse speaks to an inner dilemma that has to be addressed in order for healthy love to seek you out and abound. Especially, when like me, even after accepting Christ, the temptation of adultery can still present itself as love and a desire that can blanket you without blame. While I have never been the kind of little girl that planned her wedding and lined up dolls to be bridesmaids; the pure essence of romance and the absolute power of loving someone from your very spirit is something I desire. Because it is I had to learn my true identity in Christ and to love who God created me to be. That creation is fearfully and wonderfully made. I can love and trust the affairs of my heart to the one that designed me for another who is also purposed just for me. I believe with all my heart that even with all of my hang-ups and challenges, that purposed man of mine will love me more than I could ever love him – because he will be ordained my God, with all the features I desire. I met him in a business meeting. His attraction to me evaded me, so I was shocked when one kiss at his office, led to an afternoon talking in the park and an evening in an hourly motel. Three years later we had a pattern, we were great friends and 24 | BELOVED
great lovers. But it was the same thing again, me, him and her. I told myself it was okay, he wasn’t married to her they just lived together. Besides he took good care of me. He supported me creatively. We clicked. I tried not to ask myself the question, but even in my 30s, it rang like an enormous bell in my ear, how much love can he give you when his spoken boundaries include – don’t fall for me? Dr. Jones-Allen encourages those involved in adultery to seek a relearning of self (worth, love and esteem) and who you are in Christ, through affirming scriptures: “I am complete in Him Colossians 2:9. I am accepted by the Beloved Ephesians 1:16. I am His workmanship Ephesians 2:10. In Him I live and move Acts 17:28. I am secure in Him Ephesians 2: 20. I know there is purpose for my suffering Ephesians 1:13 and I am not alone Hebrews 13:5.” I met me when I realized there had been too many years of crying about loving men who could not love me back. I met me when the desire to hold hands and embrace openly outweighed the desire for secret hook ups. I met me when my I set a place at the table for just He and I. There was no pretense. There was no defining when we would and could see each other. He promised never to leave me nor forsake me and I promised to trust Him as I learned to love Him and give Him my heart. He taught me that I deserved to be loved by my own man. He taught me that the way He loved me should be the example for how him on earth should love me. He taught me to be quiet and learn to hear what love wanted to say about what it could do for me. Love and I fell in love – internally, spiritually and emotionally and all the other wonder that it has will find me in its right moment. I tried not to ask myself the question, but it was important that I did, don’t you feel stupid for waiting all these years to love you? I smile at my response – no I don’t because in each moment now I can love me for then and for tomorrow.
FROM
WITHIN LINDA MOISE
H
e went from pinning both of my hands down to one of them on my throat. I can barely breathe. “No, I don’t want to do this”, I cried. “Come on, what’s your problem,” Jose commanded. “No I don’t want to do this,” I continued. As I continued my plea he got on top of me and held me down. “No,” I said again. I can barely breathe. Once again, I was having a nightmare. He was 5’8 180lbs. Although he was an average size man he was very strong. I couldn’t move. Maybe if I scream someone will come in here. But if I do that he might kill me. After all he is in the military and is trained to kill. He could snap my neck in a minute. Although this is an excerpt from my upcoming book Screams from Within, it was once my reality. Becoming the victim of date rape my second year in college was a reality that I never would have imagined. Being violated at the hands of someone I’d met through a friend was something I would never had considered as my experience. But, I did experience it and something within me changed. I was broken. My sense of love and warmth was taken from me. LINDA MOISE is a native of “No Jose! Stop! Stop!” I cried out Miami, Florida and currently He continued to ignore me. He tightened his resides in Atlanta, Georgia. grip on my throat. Even if I wanted to say someA graduate of the University thing now I couldn’t. His grip was so tight around of Florida, she works as an my neck. As I was trying to squirm my way out of educator. When not teachhis grip, he started pulling my panties down. He ing, she continues penning was already positioned between my legs. Now my her book SCREAMS FROM WITHIN, planned for hands were trying to get his other hand from my release in early 2012. throat. B E L O V E D | 25
“Stop fighting me. You know you want this as much as I do,” he said angrily. He slammed my head on the bed. The tears began to stream down the side of my face. These were the tears that stung my eyes. I can’t believe that this is happening to me right now. This is the kind of stuff I watch on Lifetime. This can’t be happening. I need to fight. I need to scream. I need to do something. But I couldn’t do anything. My legs were tired from trying to kick my way out of this. All it seemed to do was give him a better position. My arms were tired from trying to get his hands from around my neck. Suddenly, I felt pain. The pain of this man trying to penetrate my innocent world I froze in disbelief. I froze in fear for my life. I froze! I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to defend myself at a time like this. All those years of fighting my brother had gone to waste because I froze. With every thrust a part of me died. I really wish that God would strike me dead right now so that I won’t feel this pain. I knew that I would never be the same again. I knew that from this point forward that a part of me had just died and I will never be able to get it back. It took many years for me to get those words on paper. They were years filled with self-hate, abuse of medication, failed relationships, and most of all blaming God for not protecting me from that evil. I began to internalize everything and shared nothing with the people that were in my life. I protected him and his integrity, by staying quiet in my fear and shame. I began to slowly fall apart; holding it together only long enough to go to work - I had to pay the bills. Months later, the nightmares began. I would see his face. I would smell him. I would feel his hands on my throat and hear his nasty voice, over and over and over. Everything changed. My grades slipped into failing status. I began to push people away; especially my first love, because I was looking for him to fix what was broken inside me. I did not know at the time, that he never could, because I could not explain what was broken, he had not broken it and I was existing in a shattered place. I realized finally that no one could fix me but God. But I was still blaming God because I was a “good girl”. I wanted to save myself for marriage. I couldn’t understand why this had to happen to me of all people! I stopped attending church. I found every excuse not to make the journey from Gainesville, Florida to my home in Miami, knowing that if my family saw me, they would know because it (shame, the feeling of dirtiness, the aroma of rape) would have been written all over my face. 26 | BELOVED
I continued to blame myself because I had a feeling about him that I didn’t like. Sure, a friend introduced us, but still there was something about him that kept outweighing – oh he seems like a nice guy – but I ignored it. I knew that I couldn’t control his actions but I could have controlled mine. I didn’t follow my instincts and I hated me for not protecting me enough. The emotional turmoil became so bad and the nightmares so damning that I found myself locked in my bedroom closet – hiding from anything and anyone that would or could ever hurt me again. I sat in that closet and I cried. I poured everything in me out in my tears and hid in that closet. Then for some reason, I called a friend and told him what had happened. His calming voice and promise of protection talked me out of that closet. Days later, a friend would finally convince me to go into counseling. Counseling, finally telling my friends and some of my family, and reconnecting with God helped me begin to putting the pieces of my life back together. Even with years in and out of counseling, it took me a long time to realize that what happened to me wasn’t about me. Taking a deep breath and beginning to work on my book was a form of therapy for me that I never imagined. I was forced to deal with many of the emotions that I thought I had already dealt with in counseling and closure finally became mine. It gives me great comfort knowing that I could possibly save a life or help someone come through that hell, sharing my story. I must tell you I look forward to being in love and being married one day. I know that I am worthy to be loved and there is a lot of love in me. The Potter can put the shattered pieces back together again.
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JENNIFER KEITT
Forgiveness
“T
hen Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22 (NKJV) Isn’t that just like us? Forgiving seven times seems so very noble! C’mon, SEVEN times—that’s one forgiveness point per day, for a whole week! “Ok, Monday—you’re forgiven (one point)—for raising your voice at me; Tuesday—oh, another point—you’re forgiven—for not letting me know you were coming home late; Oh boy, Wednesday— another point—forgiven for getting on my nerves . . .” And we get ALL THE WAY to the end of the week and YES, we feel justified that we have forgiven E-N-O-U-G-H! We justify, how many times can this person be an idiot, and how many times can I allow this person to HURT me? Seven times—you’re done buddy—I’m NOT forgiving you anymore, you’ll NEVER hurt me again! I can relate to Peter’s logic. I feel that seven is a good solid number, not too short, not too long; just right in the number of times I can allow any human being to get off the hook. But there’s just one little (well rather huge) obstacle with my logic; I failed to factor in how much I’ve already been forgiven. In the scenarios that I played earlier, we can see forgiving someone for raising their voice or forgetting to call or getting on our nerves—but it’s much harder when the violations are, well, BIGGER. Abandonment by one or both parents as a child. Adultery in marriage. Being emotionally abused. How
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do you forgive someone who’s killed your loved one, or done bodily harm to you? How many times do you let him come back—believe him or forgive his indiscretions? How many times do you take their crap, give them access to your credit cards or give them money that you know they won’t repay? Let me ask you this first. How much forgiveness do you need from God in your life, moment by moment? How many little or big wrongs have you done, are doing, or plan to do in the next few days? How many promises have you broken? How many times have you said never again as you were planning how you were going to do it again? The thing about forgiveness is that it’s a two-way deal. I forgive because I’ve been forgiven. And I forgive much, as often as I’m wronged because I’ve already been forgiven much—even when the scenarios AREN’T EASY. I forgive NOT because the person who’s wronged me deserves it; I forgive because the hell that I live in when I hold onto wrongs done against me is too unbearable to live with! When I don’t release a wrong against me I SUFFER—big time! I also forgive because I realize that I HAVE ALREADY BEEN FORGIVEN by a God who didn’t have to forgive me. I recognize that I’ve been forgiven so much, in fact, that I don’t have any charges currently lodged against me although I deserve to never see the light of day again! So within this context of true forgiveness, ‘affairs’ pale. ‘Murder’ is consumed. ‘Wrongs’—while they HURT LIKE ANYTHING and are NEVER easily forgotten—they can ultimately find the healing power that forgiveness brings. We then become candidates for the vengeance enacted by a God who is Just and Merciful and so very, very good. Does forgiveness mean being beaten and abused or being friends again or forgetting what someone’s done? Absolutely not. It simply means releasing your right to enact punishment upon the person who’s wronged you. Doesn’t mean you have to stay as he beats you and your children. Doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him after his tenth affair. Doesn’t mean you have to have the person who killed your child over for dinner. Doesn’t mean that the relationship with your parents will ever be what you’d hoped for . . . forgiveness just means that what’s been done to you, YOU choose to RELEASE that person from what they ‘owe’ you.
You LET THEM GO! The truth that we can all take to the bank is that people hurt people VERY, VERY BADLY; that’s life in a fallen, sinful world. If you’re alive and in any sort of relationship with another human being you will be hurt. But know this, forgiveness stands as a lighthouse on a dark shore in a tumultuous storm cutting through the darkness and guiding dark souls out of the torrents of un-forgiveness toward the shore of the peace of releasing those who’ve wronged you and being embraced by the arms of the loving God Who’s already forgiven you ... I dare you to throw away your meager forgiveness score card of seven times—and plunge into EXTREME FORGIVENESS, right now, today.
Speaker, Author and Radio Talk Show Host JENNIFER KEITT invokes change and improvement in lives of people around the world! Jennifer is founder and host of nationally syndicated Today’s Black Woman Radio Show which reaches over a million radio listeners countrywide including XM Satellite radio. An entrepreneur at heart, Jennifer also founded Today’s Black Woman Corporation (TBW Corp). TBW Corporation is an organization that builds women through media publications, programming, and seminars that empower, educate and encourage women with a mission to develop strong, whole productive and successful women globally. She is a devoted wife and proud mother of four children, residing in Atlanta, GA. Get to know Jennifer at www.jenniferkeitt.com. B E L O V E D | 29
N
o saying is more on point than the one that goes, “Trust takes years to build and only a moment to destroy.” Life is unpredictable and we all want to know with some degree of certainty that the ones we love can be depended upon. When a significant other engages in behaviors that destroy the faith you’ve placed in them—including selfishness, broken promises, chronic irresponsibility, deception or infidelity—trust erodes. Can a relationship rebound from such severe breaches? The answer is a resounding yes, but only with a sincere commitment by both parties to rebuild what has been damaged.
TRUST AGAIN? RONN ELMORE, PSY.D
RONN ELMORE, Psy.d is a relationship therapist, ordained minister and bestselling author of How to Love a Black Man, How to Love A Black Woman, No-Nonsense Dating and other books. Known as the “How-to” Coach for smart single women, his popular blog about dating, relationships and motivation is at www.FindingSoulmateSuccess.com.
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Steps to restore trust 1
ADMISSION AND ACKNOWLEDGMENT The offending party has to own up to his or her transgression and sincerely apologize for the harm caused by it: “I am guilty of this, and from here on I am committed to doing the opposite of that.” Warning: Don’t insist on a play-by-play retelling of the events with all the gory details. The condensed version of the offense will be more than enough.
2
ASSESSMENT
It’s crucial that neither of you become so focused on the erring partner’s crime that you never get around to an honest look at what factors may have led to it. Certainly the selfishness and lack of discipline of the one who messed up play a part—that’s seldom the whole story. Both of you will have to explore all the possible ways in which the behaviors that led up to the incident—inattentiveness, unavailability, poor communication and conflict-resolution skills, misplaced priorities, inadequate checks and balances—may have contributed to the fallout.
3
ASSISTANCE
Enlist some supportive help as early in the trust rebuilding process as possible. Seek the support of qualified counseling professionals, your spiritual leaders and one or two trusted friends who can remain objective. Compassionate third parties can help the two of you stay focused on your goal of reconciliation and not become overcome by your urge to punish or your mate’s urge to rebel.
4
ACCOUNTABILITY
When it comes to establishing trust, talk is cheap unless it results in action. Start by spelling out your expectations. For example, insist that he cease all visits to X-rated websites, that she cut off all contact with the other man, that she enters rehab, or that he makes no credit card purchases over $50 without mutual agreement. You, too, should be held accountable, by making clear the behaviors your mate should expect of you during the reconciliation process and beyond it. For example, “I will faithfully and honestly participate in our counseling process for the next six months, unless I find that you have re-offended.” Mutual accountability reinforces your commitment to developing a stable future together--in spite of the rotten thing that happened.
MAKING UP AND MOVING ON. Moving on means accepting that neither of you can go back and change the past. It also means that you and your mate refuse to be permanently shackled to what happened. In the end, it’s important to take your and your mate’s entire history into account—before their big failure and after it; not merely one single dark chapter in your story. B E L O V E D | 31
Yes, You CAN Improve Your Love Life. I Can Help! Hi, I’m Dr. Ronn Elmore, “The How-To Coach” for smart, single women. Maybe you know me as bestselling author of How to Love a Black Man, No-Nonsense Dating and other books. Or maybe you know me as a long-time relationship expert for Essence and featured at numerous T.D. Jakes events. Perhaps you’ve seen me on television or heard me on radio giving unique, practical advice on life and love. Looking for a *FREE,* instantly usable treasure chest of expert dating and relationship advice - without all the jokes and hype? Visit www.findingsoulmatesuccess.com
Are you ready to:
Get relevant answers to your toughest questions about men and relationships? Jump-start your confidence and motivation to get back in the dating process? Gain crystal clarity about yourself, and what you really want in relationship? Learn powerful, practical tools to date with dignity, and never desperation? Connect with a quality, compatible mate for a serious relationship - or even marriage?
Sign up for my *FREE* Finding Soulmate Success ezine. Receive my ebook “The 5 Biggest Lies You Believe About Men & Dating” as my gift! To YOUR Great Success;
Dr. Ronn Elmore, Psy.d The "How-To" Coach for Single Women Dating - Relationships - Motivation – Men
Visit www.FindingSoulmateSuccess.com
Love Bytes
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 9
First Peter 2: 9
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If
Only If only for an hour, I had the power To set us free from our mental bondage Take you closer and give you a kiss of knowledge Erase all the race boarders Erase the very core of new world order Take us back to the Adam and Eve days Far back before we had this fear of aging craze I would take your hand as we run with naked minds Opening wide our mental blinds If we could all see each other in our true might If only just for an hour, I had the power To stop us from running this race And just mind our pace Because in His kingdom we all have a place That even though we all come from different cultures That does not mean that we have to behave like vultures Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to sound like an old folksong And NO I’m not here for votes I just wish we could all understand that human life is more valuable than banknotes
MAUREEN DUBE
If only for an hour, I had the power I would break these chains That keeps us from feeling each other’s pain And even though you will never know me Maybe we can know what it means to be truly free To be one nation Made out of different carnations To be human, to be one Maybe in the long run We would not need some guy in a suite To dilute the essence of our diversity Or pollute our minds Maybe we would not need ID books to identify humanity If just for an hour, I had the power To stop us all from going insane with everyday life And stop us from carrying guns and pocket knifes If just for an hour I had the power
Twenty-six year old South African native MAUREEN DUBE currently resides in Cape Town where she works as a project leader for an electrical specialty company. In addition to being in love with Christ, she also loves words and always has “something to say.” Visit her blog at http://maureen-listen.blogspot.com to read more of what Maureen has to say through her inspiring poetry.
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Love Bytes
But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. 1
Isaiah 43: 1, 4 NIV
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l e e P E. CHANTAYE WATSON
For so long I hid Underneath the mask of make-up That everyone else applied to me Hiding behind the make-up From everyone else’s cosmetic bag They painted me the way they felt I should be… White. Red. Quiet. Dead. Ignoring who I really was. With each application I became lost. No longer recognizable… No longer counted… No longer alive… No longer me. But today I peel… Everyone else’s mess and expectations and I Breathe… And layer by layer I Reveal… The beauty beneath. Me. 36 | BELOVED
Love Bytes
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2: 10 NIV
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In spite of... POETIZER THE POET
SHANTERIA “POETIZER” GRIGLEN is an author and poet universally described as a Florida native—born to believe that nothing occurs without purpose or reason. It is that same purpose that gives her the ability to embrace life’s obstacles as a character that influences her passion for writing. Raw Emotional Lyrics, her first book of collected poetry has just been published and is available online at: www.poetizeronline.com. You may reach her via email at: poetizeronline@gmail.com 38 | BELOVED
Every time I turn around A leech is sucking me dry Weighing on my emotions Grabbing me by the ankles Twisting my stability Unable to walk a straight line Pulled in the past Reminded of the pain Blinded by the shame Living in sin Generation after generation Be quiet Nobody has to know Crippling my growth Denial lurks within Covering the heart With manipulation Unable to care Racist to love Until... God showed me His hand He took my faults Hide them behind the cross He gave His son Who died For me to live Through His name I’ve been redeemed There’s a faithful ending Every failure conquered Brings Him glory I’m able to tell the story About a name above any other name I’m able to encourage Because of the shame I’m able to love In spite of the pain.
Love Bytes
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37 NIV
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I Hate Math MAT1033 NORVEL A. S. HOLYFIELD
I
thought my business plan or plan to change my life and love myself had nothing to do with math but I was wrong. It’s about balancing the x and y’s, what you do to one side you have to do to the other and sometimes that requires multiplying by a negative 1 to get it right. So for all the negligent and bad things that have happened to us and we have done to ourselves mentally or physically throughout this journey of life, we need to balance and find inner peace before the next lifetime. One, two, three and then you swear at me -a monomial, a binomial, a trinomial Where oh where can my rich Romeo be Come, come quickly and set me free Ten years later retaking 1033...
I'm X I got a “D” in 1033 and that darn Romeo never did show up and set me free Ten years later after telling quite a few brothers NORVELL A.S. HOLYFIELD is a creative writer, gifted orator and passionate being. She is sincerely committed to speaking up and out about issues of violence against women. Norvell is a servant leader who found her voice after years of physical and emotional abuse. Like a rose that grows from concrete, Norvell is a true survivor. She is a sought after poet and keynote speaker in Miami-Dade County. She has been featured in the Miami Dade College Book Fair, the Miami Beach Commission for women and various church auxiliaries and domestic violence shelters. 40 | BELOVED
y our stuff is to the left, pick up the phone and call Tyrone And once again, I’m all alone taking 1033, seriously In the nature of things and the development of human beings Factually “Y” is the 25th chromosome It was discovered AFTER “X” So actually WHO is the mistress or master of this universe? enerally you solve for “X” first and THEN you G solve for Y It’s a fact you can’t deny All my life I’ve tried to solve for “Y” without knowing the value of “X” Childhood storybooks got me hooked on heroes and Romeos Grooming, crying, wishing, hesitating and a lifetime of waiting My chances of solving for “Y” are quickly fading But I have solved for the value of “X” Self-respect, finance and intellect So when all else fails, I merely simplify and even the scales of “X” and “Y” S ee I like equations that have real numbers and are true not false or linear inequalities that are less than or equal to So I conclude as my solution In any relationship, mathematic or romantic be emphatic and understand the problem, Devise and execute a plan, take time to check and reflect because sometimes when you’re spontaneous The value of “Y” is simply extraneous OR “Y” may equal “0” or just an imaginary i small imaginary i!
Love Bytes
I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from god, one has this gift, another has that. 1 Corinthians 7:7 NIV
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Pounds ROBIN M. BELLAMY
Are you gaining? Yes I am. I’m gaining momentum. Confidence, More self-awareness, And strength. Why is my weight so important to you? You don’t have to carry it. Does it make you feel bad that despite my weight I still look good? No need to tell me what I look like By using your cheap way of insulting me Because I look in the mirror everyday I see myself You can’t and won’t bring me down Because I am beautiful Even when I’m round.
ROBIN M. BELLAMY is Author of: “A Collection of Poetry: Matters of the Heart, Revealed,” “Grandma’s Brooch,” and “Bare My Soul.” 42 | BELOVED
Soul food dressed to the nines - that best describes the recipes in this collection; flavored with stories that raised families for generations. The recipes are delightful twists to favorite dishes of an Ohio born and Florida raised cook Brenda L. Jackson. Down home meets elegant.
BUY YOUR COPY TODAY! RELEASE DATE: February 2009 GENRE: Food/Cooking ISBN: 978-0-9821114-1-3 Purchase Online: www.culinaryroots-bj.com
WELLS OF WELLNESS
ORDAINED AND ANOINTED: Beauty and Safe Sex G
od created beauty. Beauty was ordained before the foundations of the earth. Beauty and beautiful things are a gift from God in their own perfect way and divinely appointed time. Ecclesiastes 3:11 confirms it “God has made everything beautiful for its own time…” The subject of beauty has been debated by believers and nonbelievers for a very long time. In this month’s column I explore biblical and medical insights to answer your questions on the popular topics of beauty and beauty treatments. Q: I’m thinking about having cosmetic surgery (liposuction, breast implants, Botox injections) to improve how I look and feel about myself. Is this a sin? Are there any dangers? A: The bible does not literally or emphatically imply or state beauty, beauty treatments/adornments, cosmetics or cosmetic surgery is a sin. There are numerous positive mentions of beauty enhancements throughout the Bible, along with numerous cautions and warnings concerning it as well. In the story of Esther for example, the Bible records it was customary for women to go through 12-months of beauty regiments prior to coming before the king. “Now when the turn of each maiden came to go in to King Ahasuerus, after the regulations for the women had 44 | BELOVED
S. L. WELLS
been carried out for twelve months--since this was the regular period for their beauty treatments, six months with oil of myrrh and six months with sweet spices and perfumes and the things for the purifying of the women.” (Esther 2:12) Improving or paying attention to your physical appearance in and of itself is not displeasing to God. The Bible records a detailed account of God speaking about beauty as an act of his love, care and covenant with us (the body of Christ). It’s depicted as a blessing according to Ezekiel 16:8 “I came by again and saw you, saw that you were ready for love and a lover. I took care of you, dressed you and protected you. I promised you my love and entered the covenant of marriage with you. I, God, the Master, gave my word. You became mine. I gave you a good bath, washing off all that old blood, and anointed you with aromatic oils. I dressed you in a colorful gown and put leather sandals on your feet. I gave you linen blouses and a fashionable wardrobe of expensive clothing. I adorned you with jewelry: I placed bracelets on your wrists, fitted you out with a necklace, emerald rings, sapphire earrings, and a diamond tiara. You were provided with everything precious and beautiful: with exquisite clothes and elegant food, garnished with honey and oil. You were absolutely stunning. You were a queen! You became world-famous, a legendary beauty
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brought to perfection by my adornments. Decree of God, the Master. Although the word cosmetic surgery is not used in the Bible nor did it exist in the exact same form that is practiced today, the purpose and overall results are the same. Treatments/regiments that existed during biblical times would be equivalent to our modern day cosmetics or cosmetic surgery and therefore fall under the category of beauty treatments/adornments biblically speaking and should be viewed by believers as such. We are safe (morally speaking) to follow the context and principles in which beauty treatments are presented in the Bible. The Bible also shows how God used the beauty of a righteous woman to give her favor and later saved her people from death. The amplified Bible says “And the maiden pleased [Hegai] and obtained his favor. And he speedily gave her the things for her purification and her portion of food and the seven chosen maids to be given her from the king’s palace; and he removed her and her maids to the best [apartment] in the harem.” (Esther 2:9) The Message Bible states it this way “Hegai liked Esther and took a special interest in her. Right off he started her beauty treatments, ordered special food, assigned her seven personal maids from the palace, and put her and her maids in the best rooms in the harem.”
r ste 4 Ea ril 2 Ap
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Your body was designed not only for procreation but as a pleasurable gift to your husband and visual joy to him. The Bible makes mention of your lips, your skin, your curves, your shape, your breasts and your feminine essence. Song of Solomon Chapter 7 paints a clear picture of this, “Shapely and graceful your sandaled feet, and queenly your movement— Your limbs are lithe and elegant, the work of a master artist. Your body is a chalice, wine-filled. Your skin is silken and tawny like a field of wheat touched by the breeze. Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is carved ivory, curved and slender. Your eyes are wells of light, deep with mystery. Quintessentially feminine! Your profile turns all heads, commanding attention. The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges —stirrings of desire, longings for the heights— Remind me of you, and I’m spoiled for anyone else! Your beauty, within and without, is absolute, dear lover, close companion. You are tall and supple, like the palm tree, and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates. I say, “I’m going to climb that palm tree! I’m going to caress its fruit!” Oh yes! Your breasts will be clusters of sweet fruit to me, Your breath clean and cool like fresh mint, your tongue and lips like the best wine.” There are also numerous scriptures that refer to the beauty of God himself. Thus, it’s safe to say God has purpose for beauty and enhancing beauty is not sin. Along with all the positive mentions of beauty and beauty treatments, come very clear warnings regarding being overly consumed by it and overestimating its value/significance. Physical beauty is not more important than inner beauty. Your self-esteem and self-worth should not be tied to your outward appearance. First Peter 3:1 states it clearly “What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.” It is emotionally dangerous to allow beauty to consume you. “Your beauty went to your head. You corrupted wisdom by using it to get worldly fame.” (Ezek 28:11) Certain beauty enhancements presented physical dangers in biblical times, as does cosmetic surgery during this present time. Ac-
cording to research from the Mayo Clinic, liposuction carries risks. Some of the risks include numbness, infection, fluid pockets, bleeding, fat embolism, internal puncture (puncturing an internal organ), kidney & heart problems and contour irregularities (temporary or permanent changes – bumpy, wavy, withered or spotted skin). Some of the risks of Botox injections are vision problems, loss of bladder control, eye bruising, pain and bleeding, trouble breathing, speaking or swallowing, allergic reaction, blistering, seizure and/or muscle weakness all over the body. Breast implant/ augmentation risks include infection, pain, implant leakage or rupture, permanent nipple or sensation changes, and/or capsular contracture (distorted breast shape). Cosmetic surgery is a serious decision and is not one that should be made hastily or taken lightly. The stakes of beauty enhancements are high since they bring life threatening possibilities with them and therefore enhancements such as cosmetic surgery should not be used solely to make you feel good about yourself. Although improving your physical appearance is not a sin, take heed to the medical and biblical warning concerning it. Don’t allow popular
worldly images of beauty to intimidate or consume you or bring about anxiety. Inner beauty is far more important and will outlast and out shine physical beauty. First Peter 3:4 sums it up best “Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as “my dear husband.” You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.” Q: “What are some practical things you should know about safe sex beyond condoms after you’ve been diagnosed with herpes and/or HIV?” A: Receiving a STD diagnosis is a life–changing and difficult thing to deal with initially. It’s even more challenging being diagnosed with an STD that there is no known cure for. I can assure you from personal and professional experience there is life after diagnosis. It is important to see the medical industry in its proper perspective. It’s a “practice” not “perfection”. Humans have progressed in the practice of medicine but only God has mastered
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perfection in the art of healing. Keep your mind and spirit in a positive life affirming state. “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit— you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) Negative mindsets have also been scientifically proven to exacerbate illnesses and diseases. Know that your life is not over; if it were you would have died the moment your body was infected. Joining a confidential support group can be beneficial as can seeking professional counseling. Reciting breath prayers on healing is also beneficial. Contact me through my website if you would like a list of scriptures on healing. After a herpes diagnosis it is important to know the facts, the Center for Disease Control has great information online at www.cdc.gov or through your local health department and/or private doctor. There are prescription medications that can decrease the number of herpetic outbreaks, which is something you can consult with your doctor about. Know that a romantic relationship is still possible with herpes or HIV. There are websites that assist infected partners with dating and online resources for people in mixed status (1 partner infected & the other is not) relationships. The primary thing is to keep your partner safe by taking proper precautions. You should not engage in S.L. WELLS is a dedicated, passionate health educator specializing in sexual health and stress management. She is the creator of “Come Away With Me” Christian relaxation music and the author of “What your parents don’t know & didn’t tell you about sex!” Her works have appeared in local and international publications, bringing educational enrichment to thousands. 48 | BELOVED
Remember it is possible to transmit herpes or HIV without any visible symptoms therefore if you plan to engage in oral sex with your partner, females should place a dental dam over the vagina, males can place a flavored condom over the penis. Finger condoms can be used for petting/fingering/partnered masturbation to also decrease the risk of infecting your mate with herpes. sexual activity during a herpes outbreak, since sores can be present in or around the fingers, penis, buttocks, vagina or mouth and it is impossible to cover all areas of the outbreak. Remember it is possible to transmit herpes or HIV without any visible symptoms therefore if you plan to engage in oral sex with your partner, females should place a dental dam over the vagina, males can place a flavored condom over the penis. Finger condoms can be used for petting/fingering/partnered masturbation to also decrease the risk of infecting your mate with herpes. Having a baby is still possible as well. If you and your healthcare providers implement proper procedures and plans, the risk of infection for babies born to a mother or father who is HIV positive and/or infected with herpes is very low. Proper nutrition and exercise have been proven beneficial in slowing the progression of HIV. Massage therapy has also been proven to be very beneficial to HIV positive people. I have a girlfriend who was diagnosed with herpes over 10 years ago and later married an uninfected partner. She gave birth to a baby 4 years ago and they are living a happy life together now. I have another girlfriend who has been HIV positive for 9 years. She is happily dating, progressing in her career and has maintained a very strong immune system. Everyday won’t be all roses, but if God can bring my friends through such seemingly devastating diseases, he can do the same for you. ”But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 (KJV)
The Making of a
Pearl PEARL BOWDEN
C
an the trauma and suffering of one’s life actually be used for good? I first encountered this question in Romans 8:28, where it is stated, “We know that God works in ALL things for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.” These words never spoke life to me until recently. I used to ask myself, “How could I be called for anything good and purposeful when all I was familiar with was destruction and death?” To understand the reasons why I once believed I had no good in or through me, and found myself in situations and circumstances
that had created a cold, hopeless and hateful young person by 17 years old, I had to examine the foundation that began at the start of my life’s journey. I was told by my mother that I was a product of rape when she was 15 years old. She decided to keep me anyway and ended marrying my father. My very first memory of molestation was at the tender age of 5, inflicted on me by a friend of my father’s who was considered part of the family. From the ages of 7 to 9, I was being touched and violated by actual blood related cousins. At age 9 my mother’s then boyfriend decided to take from me
as well, molesting me during my Christmas vacation. I was brave enough to tell my mother what happened; but sad to say, she did not believe me and took his word over mine, calling me a liar and accusing me of trying to break them up (granted I was only 9 years old). She actually married this man and went on to have 3 kids from him. From that moment on, I never felt the trust, loyalty, or even love for her, as a daughter should have for her mother. These negative and hurtful events, imposed on me at such a young age, by those who were supposed to protect and cover me, formed the beginnings of my
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personal journey with self-destruction. At the age of eleven I began to cut my arms as a way of relief from my daily anguish and pain. Everyday brought feelings of worthlessness and disgust. By 14 years of age, my life was spiraling out of control. I gave up my virginity to some guy I barely knew. I could not escape the past memories that crept up on me from time to time. Drugs and alcohol became a new way of escape from my reality, which I believed I had no way out of. I desired so much to belong that I decided to engage in gang activity. I took on my new roles as a hustler and manipulator and became very good at it. I was proud of myself for finally being good at something; and, others saw it too. However this did not fill the gaps of emptiness and pain I carried with me every single moment of the day. In a moment of intense desperation, I made a conscious decision to make myself disappear. I had reached a point in my young life that it would be better for everyone involved if I was no longer part of the world. With one deep breath I took a box cutter and attacked myself
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slicing my arm deeply. Although it scared and hurt me awfully, I was relieved that it would be over soon. Yet I did not fade away as I had so hoped and prayed. Even now at 36 years old, the scar is still visible, serving as a constant reminder of how far the Grace of God has brought me. By age 15, the streets became my new family. It was the mother and father I never truly had; the support system I so longed for. I exchanged one form of dysfunction for another and allowed myself to feel some perverted form of safety in this dark world. Then at 16 years old I meet a man who would out do all the others who had taken things from me that I believed I could never get back. He was a 26-year-old drug dealer who befriended me as I was working as a runner, carrying cocaine on my person from place to place. He seemed so sincere and appeared to care about everything concerning me. Through this friendship, a relationship was born and I allowed myself to fall in love with him (well what I thought was love). I convinced myself that he would protect and defend me. If I gave of myself freely, he would then
provide the one thing I longed for, to be loved and to belong to something, which would bring some form of purpose in my useless life. He would come to my rescue when I was wronged. Boy was I mistaken! A few months into our relationship, I became ill for a few days unable to hold anything down, even water. Not once did a thought cross my mind that I could be pregnant. I believed I had a stomach bug or some form of a virus. After another day of nausea and vomiting I decided to secretly go to a free clinic to have a pregnancy test done just to rule this out. I was told my test came out positive and was advised to have an ultrasound done. According to the results of the ultrasound I was already 23 1/2 weeks along. I could not believe it; yet, the reality that I would actually have something of my own brought such meaning to my mind. At that very moment I decided to keep my baby and feeling so overjoyed I was looking forward to telling my boyfriend. I called him and asked if I could come over. He said yes and expressed how he was looking forward to seeing
me. (I can actually remember how happy his voice sounded). I arrived at his home and was greeted sweetly. I was so excited to share with him the news of our seed growing within me. Slowly I built up enough courage to tell him of my pregnancy with sincere joy. After just a few moments his expression changed in a way I had never seen before. He got up from the bed, lit a cigarette, and began pacing without saying one word to me. He then asked me a very unusual question, “So you want to keep this baby?” knowing that I had just expressed that I did, a few moments earlier. I answered him in a confused tone and said, “Of course I want to keep this baby!” He then proceeded to his bedroom closet, searched for something, emerged from the closet, walked back to me and threw a stack of money on the bed ($500 to be exact). So of course I ask the most obvious question, “What is this for?” He answered in a stern voice, “To get an abortion!” I could not believe the words I just heard this man say and from that moment everything changed. Overwhelmed with an-
ger and disgust, I got up to make my exit, leaving the cash on the bed. Tearful, I said to him, “I did not want your money and you don’t have to be part of my baby’s life or mine. Then without warning, the man I had convinced myself I loved with all that I was and who cherished and cared for me, grabbed me in a way that was unfamiliar. A force that picked me up off the ground and threw me on the bed. The same bed I had given of myself freely to him. Where I held him, kissed him and caressed him. I can remember every moment like a bad movie I can’t get out of my head. He then placed a pillow over my face as I began to scream and fight back with all my strength; but he was just too strong for me. His grip became painful and I began to feel lightheaded. He then ripped my pants off my body while they were still buttoned and zipped, moved my panties over and he then did the unthinkable. He raped me. I can still remember how he smelled, what he said, and the extreme pain my body experienced. Then as quickly as it began it ended. He removed the pillow from my face and I took the
deepest breath of air my body was starving for. There I was half naked, humiliated, violated, dirty, confused and completely awe struck. Before then I had not use the phrase “awe struck” in normal conversation, so I decided to look up the definition. I had always thought this word was positive yet I found this negative meaning: An overwhelming feeling of fear produced by that which is grand and perplexed. Shocked, stunned and dazed, to “strike” with fear and terror (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). I slowly got up off the bed with pain and soreness radiating from the lower half of my body. I did not say one word to him. I didn’t even look up at him. I kept my head down as I looked for my pants. He then threw the money at me again and told me to get dressed and get in his car. I took the money and threw it back at him, not feeling any fear of consequences after what had just been done to me. I had no time to even look at myself after the act. The entire car ride back home I cannot remember (I believe the trauma of what happened had already set in). When
B E L O V E D | 51
we reached the house where I was living, he reached over me, opened the door and told me to get out. I can honestly say I felt like common trash being thrown away on the side of the road. I neither spoke to nor told anyone. I scrubbed my entire body but it felt like I just could not get clean enough. A few days past and I noticed some blood on my panties. Worry gripped me but I just figured it was due to the trauma of the rape. At 4 am on the morning of the third day of the bleeding, a pain I had never felt before suddenly awakened me. I sat up quickly, filled with terror and confusion. Then out of nowhere I heard what I could describe as a rubber band being popped. An overwhelming feeling of dread took over and when I went to get up to go to the bathroom, a pool of bloody fluid poured out of me onto the floor. I had no idea what was happening to me. I finally made it to the bathroom with a trail of bloody fluid behind me in the hallway. I locked the door and ran bath water. I filled the tub half way with warm water and sat in it. Then a pain hit my body with such intensity that it took my breath away. Terrified, shaking, and in some form of shock I looked down and witnessed flowing out of my body, a tiny little person. I could not believe my eyes. As though time was going in slow motion, I saw the baby begin to float with the water toward the drain. As quick as I could, I grabbed for it. It fit right in the palm of my hand. Mystified I begin to examine the baby as I sat in water still bleeding. It was a little boy. He had brown eyes but no eyebrows, his hands 52 | BELOVED
and feet were all there, tiny but all there. He had an outline of a nose, a tiny shape of a mouth, and no outer skin. The umbilical cord was still attached to his tiny belly. Tears filled my eyes and flowed down my face nonstop. I slowly got out of the tub and sat on the toilet. I then placed the baby in a piece of yellow toilet tissue. The bleeding was not ceasing even though the pain had subsided. Although no one knew I was with child, I knew I needed help because if I continued bleeding out, I would die right there with my dead son in the palm of my hand. I had no choice but to wake up my father and his girlfriend. He opened the door and said sarcastically, “What’s the problem?” With no strength to speak I just open my hand revealing his dead grandson as blood dripped down my leg and onto the floor. The next set of words that this man, who was given to me as my father, spoke broke me to my core. He proceeded to say to me that I got what I deserved for opening my legs. I was a slut and a whore. With no remorse, he yelled at me to get in the car. The entire car ride to the ER, he spoke nothing but death and expressed his grand disgust towards me. I remember his words very well. They may not echo in my ears like they once did but they are branded with fire on my heart. As I held my dead baby in my hand, I felt anger, hate, sadness and feelings of rage not only towards this man who was given the title of father over my life; but also towards the man that betrayed me and caused me not only to lose a portion of myself from the rape but from this very act which resulted in
the loss of a son I wanted with all my heart and soul. This incident formed such an indescribable hatred toward drug dealers. Since I could not hurt him like I wanted to (believe me I tried) out of my anguish, I began to manipulate and hustle every drug dealer I knew through sex and drugs. As they slept, I would rob them for all their cash, drugs and even clothes. One day while on the run from all the robberies that I had been a part of, I was caught off guard and almost killed. This incident led to a oneway Amtrak train ticket out of New York City. Maybe because of the rejection from my mother and the disregard of my father, I was too fearful to report the rape or even tell anyone. So here I am, almost 20 years later, filled with the boldness and courage to share my story. This experience is part of who I am; a TRUE survivor by God’s Grace. A passion has developed in me for those lost in that same darkness, with no hope to hold on to. I desire to be a lighthouse for those searching for the light and even for those who are not aware that light does exist and restoration is obtainable. I want to share with others that your past does not dictate your future. Beauty, virtue, purity, and integrity can be part of my character even though I knew nothing of these attributes previously. I desire to encourage others to forgive those that have hurt them and most importantly, to forgive themselves. Of course time plays a major part in the healing process and everyone deals and heals at different paces; but I believe that everything that I’ve experienced in life has made me so
much stronger and bolder. I am a walking witness and example of God’s restoration process and His Gift of redemption that saved His Pearl from total destruction and death. I am now a voice for those who lost their own and an expression of empowerment for those who want to be set free from the prison of self hate, suicide, promiscuity and drugs. What is it to be a “WITNESS” for the Lord? Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirit are crushed”. I love this scripture for it reminds me that my Daddy God was there with me, even through all the filth and garbage. Without Him my life would make NO sense. Without His Grace, His Mercy, His Redemption, His Unconditional Love, I would be just a memory, a part of history that would fade away into time. I am so grateful that He did not leave me to myself and through His Strength and His alone I still live and will stand in the fire of this dark world and on the frontline of many battles to come for the youth of today. I will be God’s mouthpiece sharing the amazing news of a true Redeemer, a true Lover of my soul, and a real Savior who sees the pure you, the untainted you. He has given me hope, provided the light in the prison I once lived in and has sustained my life to be able to speak on and about His Resurrection Power and the TRUE sweetness of His Grace and Tender Mercies. I will use the same boldness and tenacity I had in the world for the Kingdom of God and stand as an example of God’s Great Patience even with the harlot lost in the alleys of darkness. I am a witness of a
tangible Love, a Power that does exist, and the Saving Blood of Christ that bought me back from the slave trade of life. Forgiveness is the only way to truly heal and love the little girl of my past and the woman of my present. I know that these men were used by the powers of hell to destroy my mind, my body, and my soul. As hard as it has been and at times can be, I choose to lay them ALL at the foot of the cross, pick myself up and my fresh garments of purity and virtue, and walk the rest of my life as a true example of the Redeeming Power of a Loving and Restoring God. I was found worthy to be bought back and rescued from the chains of death and I am forever thankful for His compassion on a truly lost and wandering soul. These are my life’s words of healing, empowerment, worthiness, strength, and hope, may they bless you as well… Ezekiel 16: 4-8 On the day you were born, no one cared about you. Your umbilical cord was not cut, and you were never washed, rubbed with salt, and wrapped in cloth. No one had the slightest interest in you; no one pitied you or cared for you. On the day you were born, you were unwanted, dumped in a field and left to die. “But I came by and saw you there, helplessly kicking about in your own blood. As you lay there, I said, ‘Live!’ And I helped you to thrive like a plant in the field. You grew up and became a beautiful jewel. Your breasts became full, and your body hair grew, but you were still naked. And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to
cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine. Hosea 2: 14-16, 19-20 “But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,” says the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’ I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the LORD.
Born to a teen mom, PEARL BOWDEN’s young life was filled with dysfunction, abuse, exploitation and self-mutilation. As a teen, Pearl traded in her dysfunctional family for a life of hustling and manipulation on the streets, only to learn that the street life was no better than her home life. Now older and wiser, Pearl is penning her first book “The Making of a Pearl,” which chronicles her life from conception to adulthood; the good the bad and the ugly which shaped her outer shell of healing and created a beautiful, strong, and rare jewel fashioned by the Hand of an Almighty God. B E L O V E D | 53
WOMEN AT THE CROSSROADS:
How to Move Forward With
Purpose
Dr. GRACE CORNISH LIVINGSTONE
T
here comes a point in every woman’s life where she purposely pauses along her life path to deeply ponder: What do I have to show for all I’ve been through? Am I on the right path? Is this the life I truly want for myself? Whether she is referring to financial stability, the right husband or man in her life, a certain career position, a child, a successful business, the ideal body weight or simply peace of mind, this soulsearching reflection can be a major turning point. After investing years, tears, hard work and selfsacrifice and not achieving personal contentment, she finds herself at a crossroads in life adamantly declares, “Enough is enough, it’s my time now!” Recently, three prominent girlfriends asked for advice for their crossroads experiences. I knew how to effectively help them though the process because I had already successfully overcome my own and had also helped hundreds of women at conferences. First, Margaret called: “On paper it looks good that I am a respected professor at a prominent University. But in reality I am overworked, underpaid and overwhelmed by people constantly using me as a sounding board, yet never once asking how DR. GRACE CORNISH LIVI’m doing. I’m fed up and will set boundaries with INGSTONE, on-air staff my time from now on.” Her crossroads experience: psychologist for the former Tired of being taken for granted. Queen Latifah TV show, is Next, Deborah confessed: “I feel so depressed one of America’s foremost rethat I have to talk this out. I have an influenlationship consultants. She tial job [as a media executive], good standing is an award-winning, bestselling author of ten in my community and I live in the suburbs, yet popular books, including 10 Bad Choices, The I still struggle to make ends meet financially. I Band-Aid Bond, The Sacred Bond and You Dehave worked so hard all my life, but I don’t have serve Healthy Love, Sis! Dr. Grace is currently enough money to show for it. Sometimes it gets the popular relationship columnist for the Lonreally rough. It’s time for a change.” Her crossdon-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace Cornish roads experience: Tired of being undervalued and healthy relationship books and healthy relaunderpaid. tionship CDs visit www.gracelivingstone.org. 54 | BELOVED
Then, Belinda shared this: “My last relationship took a toll on me emotionally. He cheated on me for a year before I found out. I left three months ago and it still hurts. I invested two solid years of my life with him. I’m tired of always being the second choice. I am not sleeping with another man unless he marries me. At 39, I thought I would be happily married and with two children by now. Her crossroads experience: Tired of being in unhealthy relationships. Though different, they share a common bond: They are savvy, contemporary women who have come to a point where they no longer will accept inadequate treatment. They will require—even demand— that their self-worth be recognized. These women are not alone. We all have crossroads experiences. Whether you are an actor, doctor, preacher, or teacher, at some point you will go through a deeply soul-searching period. Those on the outside may see you as the Woman who has it all together while not knowing that on the inside you are silently screaming for a personal breakthrough, deeper understanding and a change for the better. When you reach your crossroads and are ready to take control and move on to a better life, you will start shedding many old beliefs, habits and acquaintances you once considered friends. Your spirit will declare to God, the Universe, and all Humanity that you want and deserve better. There will be a cleansing as you prepare for the blessings that are about to emerge in your life. When God closes one door, He always opens another. But sometimes we have to spend a little time in the hallway. When you’re in the Hallway of Life, between exiting one door and on the threshold of a new one, this crossroads experience may seems lonely and discouraging at times because you can’t see the new opening right away. Remember: The darkest hour is just before dawn. After passing through your crossroads hour, your new dawn will surely come. Here’s to celebrating the new you and to receiving every blessing that you desire and deserve!
B E L O V E D | 55
FROM THE SOUL OF A
Woman VALORIE N. PARKER
I
have been on an incredible journey from pain to power. After surviving a 19 year marriage of domestic abuse, I found myself homeless, but not hopeless.
I remember one day during that season of abuse, we had one of the worst fights ever. My husband had been on the phone with one of those women evangelist again. He wasn’t working and I had come in from work and the place was a mess. The kids were crying and saying they were hungry. I asked him what he had been doing all day. He was still on the phone and ignored everything I was saying. I got the kids together and was about to change into something more comfortable so that I could prepare dinner. He was on the phone for at least another hour with this individual. When he hung up the phone he came rushing into the room yelling about how rude and backslidden I was and that I was going to respect him. He was the man of the house and I wasn’t calling any shots. I yelled back and was telling him that his responsibility was to the children and me and not to the individual he was on the phone with. I guess that was it for him, he came at me and punched me in the face. I had our youngest child in my arms and I fell back on the bed. I put the baby down as gently as I could and when I began to get up all the blood went rushing all over the place. I became very weak and dizzy, the kids were crying and I composed myself to get a towel to hold the blood. I started to cry and told him to get me to the hospital that I felt as though I were dying. He was in a panic himself and started to cry and tell me how sorry he was. He grabbed the children up and put them in the car and rushed me to the hospital. I don’t remember much of the ride to the hospital except for I was praying that I didn’t die at that moment and that my children would be protected. When we got to the hospital I was relieved, I was still breathing. The thing they asked when we arrived was - what happened? I said that I had ran into the door because I had been tired and feeling dizzy a lot. They looked at the small children I had and they believed it. They quickly rushed me to the back because the children were still crying and the blood was so plentiful. My husband and the kids were in the waiting room the whole time while I was being 56 | BELOVED
looked after. I was glad to know that it was a broken nose and that it would be okay except for the fact that I would have two black eyes after the swelling went down. They said that I would probably need surgery to restore it, however if I didn’t that I would more than likely suffer with headaches and sinus problems. We didn’t have insurance so I went home and prayed that it would be restored without any complications to follow. When I walked out of the emergency room, my husband began to cry and say how sorry he was and that he never meant for that to happen. He said he was so stressed out about finances and the kids kept crying and he was only talking to that individual because he felt overwhelmed. I reminded him that I was his wife and we were supposed to be working out things together. When we got home it was very late, and I was extremely tired. He put the kids to bed and slept in the room with them so that I could have some space. I was so tired I drifted off into a deep sleep. I felt my spirit lift out of my body and it felt so glorious, almost like when I got a glimpse of heaven earlier in my life of salvation. It felt like every care and pain had been lifted away and I did not want to return to that shell of misery and pain. I seemed to be floating around the room. I looked down and I saw this body that was so badly damaged and battered until I did not recognize who it was. I became sorrowful and began to weep and I cried out to the Lord, why must we suffer and bear so much pain. Look at what they have done to Jesus. I thought it was Jesus. The body looked similar to the man that I saw on the throne next to God when I had the vision of heaven. I heard a voice so soothing and calm say; “this is not Jesus…. This is you”. I was so surprised at the words that I heard and I immediately picked up all that pain along with the scars on that battered body and I cried out to God please, “I don’t want to go back, I like being free, please, please, save me.” The word of the Lord came back to me and said, “I have saved you, arise, you shall live and not die and you shall declare my word.”
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Armed with a foundation of faith, my four children and I began to rebuild, restructure and reposition our lives for success. It was a hard journey of recovery because I was a minister’s wife and I felt as though the whole world was watching me and had turned their back on me since I broke my silence. It wasn’t until I left the situation that I discovered there was a name for what I had experienced 17 of the 19 years married to my husband. I began to look over my life and discovered talents that had been dormant waiting to be explored. We so often sacrifice our dreams for the good of the man instead of the will of God’s
58 | BELOVED
purpose for our lives. I left the marriage when I was 38. I am now 51 years old and remember saying to myself when I was 30, “God take me now, I can’t take it anymore” I am so glad he didn’t listen to me. I now know that God had bigger plans for my life. One of the things I had to do was believe that I was lovable. When we are in relationships that are toxic we believe what the abuser dictates. The main thing he or she does is isolate you and then convince you that no one loves you except them and nothing else outside of them is possible. Sometimes individuals are already going through an emotional crisis where they feel unloved
before a relationship, so this makes it easier for the dominant force in their life to take advantage of their insecurities. Growing up I was the oldest daughter to my parents and was a product of dual families. I was raised by my father until I was 14 then went to live with my Mother who I had no idea existed until I was 11. The adjustment was tremendous. I instantly had nine other brothers and sisters that I knew nothing about. They knew about me and to them I was a celebrity because my hair and skin looked different and my speech was different from theirs. I left an environment where I began to question love into another environment trying to gain love. Love affects our past, present and future, it is an emotion given to us from God and it should never hurt. This was something I had to learn and embrace over time. The reality of what love really was. The masquerading emotion that presents itself as sincere and authentic love makes us willing to give up our identity which is our soul, just to embrace or experience L-O-V-E. I had to constantly struggle with TRUTH. Why, because I felt that everyone wanted something from me. I was constantly trying to fit in and it required sacrifices, but, only on my part. I always had to work extra hard to prove a point. Struggling to gain acceptance can be draining. In my efforts to gain the
love of my siblings, I began to live a destructive life. One day one of my Great Aunts said to me, “You are never going to be anything. You will be walking around here with a bunch of children and no man.” How dare she speak death to my life and my dreams? Her words haunted me throughout my entire marriage to my husband because I saw myself at that time with a bunch of children (4 kids) and about to lose my husband. Her words became bigger than life to me and I fought to stay in a situation that almost cost me my life. I discovered one day that my life was actually mine and I was not going to allow anyone to dictate anything to me anymore especially abusively. I had enough! We all have our levels of enough and it is up to us as individuals to decide what that is. Do we want to be imprisoned by our thoughts, emotions and dreams? We give that other person too much power over us. “Take your life back.” God gave it to you and he is waiting for you to manifest those gifts and talents in the earth. God loves with an everlasting love. The fact that those of us who have gone through the storm of life are still here is proof that God loves us and we have to begin loving ourselves enough to take back our power. For 19 years I served my husband in his ministerial capacity. I was good at making him look good so I took those skills I learned from serving him and opened my company Arise by VNP. As a result , I connected with several prominent indi-
viduals and entertainers. Internationally-renown Speaker Les Brown became my main client and I was able to build my company from there. After the accomplishment of that company, my passion for serving was rekindled and I founded the Soul of a Woman Foundation. I never dreamed that I would be an author, but to date I have written three books. The first book is my story, “From the Soul of a Woman, Love Shouldn’t Hurt”. One of the first things I wrote down as I sat in my new home after leaving that homeless situation was, “Love affects our past, present and future. It is an emotion, a gift given to us from God and it should never hurt”. Once you grab a hold of your life you will see we give up the right to be different, when we give up our right to be free. Never let anyone have so much power over you that you cease to exist, and you create for yourself a prison without walls. Break the cycle of self abuse and embrace the essence of who you really are. You, have to will it for yourself. God never does anything against someone’s will. Be ready to embrace change and know that you are a magnificent creature worthy of love. Celebrate you. Hold fast to your dreams, embrace possibilities and mount up with the wings of an eagle and fly! I lived in fear for my life and for my children. I felt that I had failed in life. I want you to know that fear and failure is a place that only you have the power to leave at anytime. Never let other people’s expec-
tations of what you should be determine your destiny. You are a gift to this world and you have purpose. No one can take that away from you, so don’t give your power away. I charge you this day, “choose life”, you deserve it. I promise you, that your today will be better than your yesterday and your tomorrow will be --better than your today, because the best is still to come for you! VALORIE N. PARKER is an author, motivational speaker, life coach and activist for those who have been abused. She invites you to visit: www. fromthesoulofawoman.com for resources for those in abusive situations. You may reach her at: soultopics@gmail.com B E L O V E D | 59
Before you go . . .
Never Fails TYMIRA MACK
F
or many years I wore a “total package, middle-class, twenty-something, confident sorority girl, honors graduate with the world at my fingertips” mask. Yet inside I was slowly being suffocated by the weight of a scroll sized Dirty Little Laundry List filled with secrets and lies that I’d been carrying for over ten years; rape, abortion, extreme sexual promiscuity, STD’s, Drugs, Alcohol and Adultery. It wasn’t until well into my thirties that I discovered I had the power to control the placement of the period that would punctuate the final item on my List. The good news is that you too have the power to control the placement of the period on your list of bad choices, frustrations, embarrassment and self-degradation. The last time that you will allow yourself to be sexually exploited “period”. The last time that you will settle for being the other woman “period”. The last time that you will allow yourself to remain in a physically or emotionally harmful relationship “period”. The last time that you will snort cocaine, take ecstasy, pop pain pills, or smoke marijuana, crack or methamphetamine “period”. The last time that you will over indulge in alcoholic drinks “period”. The last time that you will intentionally lie to your family and friends, or to yourself, in order to continue living in your current state of madness “period”. The last time that you will beat yourself up over a past that you cannot change or erase, no matter how hard you try “period”. So how do you effectively place a “period” to halt the cycle of adding new entries to your laundry list? First you’ve got to be brave enough to ACKNOWLEDGE that your list even exists. Right now, take a deep breath, be courageous and admit it to yourself out loud (maybe for the first time); and, then write it down on paper. Next, you’ve got to ANALYZE your list. This may take a few minutes, a few days, a few months, or for some (like me) a few years, even. But one thing is for certain, before you can ever effectively place the period that will signify the end of your list, you’re gonna have to face it! As you begin to face your list, take note of such things as: The most surprising revelations. The distinguishable patterns, behaviors or categories that are immediately noticeable. 60 | BELOVED
The length of your list. The period of time your list covers. How your list makes you feel deep down inside. Finally you must ABSOLVE yourself from the list. In order to successfully punctuate your list with a period, you must forgive the people, places and things that the list represents; for forgiveness represents power and mastery over the effect that these things have, or had, on your life. Since there is no such thing as a magic time machine that would allow you to go back and erase or even rewrite portions of your list, why keep kicking yourself for a past that you are absolutely powerless to change? It is only when you become brave, strong and wise enough to forgive what the contents on the list have represented in your life, that you will be able to forgive yourself for accumulating the list. The one and only effective means that I found for forgiving myself and absolving myself of the guilt, anger and shame that I harbored concerning my list, was recognizing God’s amazing grace. But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I am not about to let his grace go to waste…. (1 Cor 15:10 MSG) And so I encourage you to ACKNOWLEDGE your list, ANALYZE it, and ABSOLVE yourself of the burden of carrying that laundry list by embracing the grace of God and resolving in your heart not to let his grace go to waste another single day. Now give yourself permission to love yourself anyhow! Blessings,
Tymira Mack Editor-in-Chief
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