Break the Chains and Hold On to Your Faith Sex and Serving the Pastor? What An Abuser Won’t Say
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Beloved Magazine takes readers through an enchanting and enlightening walk through love, romance, relationships, passion, sexuality, and sensuality all from the Christ perspective. Geared towards mature audiences, married and single, this publication is about learning to love self and others through a whole and holistic intimate and embracing relationship with God - first. Publisher/Editor-in-Chief E. Claudette Freeman Administrative Operations Emily Elizabeth Prosser Creative Director E. Chantaye Watson Graphic Design Jenette Sityar Media/Publicity Cie Thomas Contributing Columnists Shawnte Wells Dr. LaVonne Shaw Audra Coats Hudson Guest Columnists ChaChanna Simpson JioVanni Jones Atiya Hodges Contributing Writers Cynthia D. Stargell Min. Inger Hanna Pastor Carol Nash-Lester Maria Pinkston-Bazile, Ph. D Nikki Clifton Ameerah Sanders Alia Knight E. Claudette Freeman Pecan Tree Magazines, part of Emily’s Essence Media, is an Emily C. Freeman Creative Holdings, LLC company. ISSN 2159-3736; Online ISSN 21593728. For advertising, marketing, or submission information, please feel free to contact our offices at: info@pecantreemags.com, 786-763-1291, our visit the website at: www.pecantreemags.com.
Contents 6
Spiritual Warfare Prayer BY INGER HANNA
7
I Am Not for your Enjoyment – Don’t Touch Me
BY NIKKI CLIFTON
9
L ipstick and Lashes Attention Superwoman – It’s All In Your Mind BY CHACHANNA SIMPSON
12
S erving the Pastor: Does that Include Sex and Accepting Behavior That’s Abusive? BY PASTOR CAROL NASH-LESTER
15
I nterludes A Haven Kept Quiet BY AMEERAH SANDERS
16
A Beat from my Heart Reality Women, Social Women and the Woman You Need BY JIOVANNI JONES
18
What God Wants You to Know About Your Value
BY CYNTHIA D. STARGELL
22
What Tamar and Amnon Teach Us BY ALIA KNIGHT
25
Breaking the Soul Ties from Sexual Abuse
BY AUDRA COATS HUDSON
28
Interludes Shaken Soda BY LAQUISHA HALL, MRS. ESSENCE 2013
30
Break the Chains and Hold On to Your Faith
BY MARIA PINKSTON, Ph.D.
35
Not My Child BY ALIA KNIGHT
37
Sensual Healing What a Sexual Abuser Won’t Say BY SHAWNTE L. WELLS
39
Love Never Fails The Path To Healing Can Be Long BY ATIYA HODGES, MSW Break The Chains and Hold On | 5
SPIRITUAL
WARFARE Prayer
By Min. Inger Hanna
Father, in the name of Jesus, according to your word we come boldy to your throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and grace to help us in the time of need. Thank you for your presence in our lives, thank you for your unfailing and unconditional love for us, thank you for access to you, thank you for being mindful of us, for never leaving nor forsaking us…even when situations would want us to think you are not near, you have promised to never leave nor forsake us.Therefore, we are never alone, never helpless, hopeless or powerless because the greater one is with us and in us. So we rise up in the true nature of who we are as your children and establish your order.The weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty through our God to the pulling down of strongholds. Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Chirst. Before we deal outward, we go inward and speak to anything within that is attempting to exalt itself against God, we command and demand that everything in us is subject to the rule and reign of God and submitted to the lordship of Jesus.We declare that the standard of the lord be lifted within us.We present ourselves as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God, which is our worship. As we lay our lives on the altar, we ask that you consume us oh God, purge and purify us all consuming fire and set us ablaze for you! We declare war against the enemy, demons, powers, and personalities that are set up to oppose the purpose of God in our lives.Your backbone is destroyed by the power of God’s word spoken over us and through us.Your plans are null and void in the name of Jesus! For everyone that has experienced abuse, we declare now that the pain of the abuse is not greater than the power of God that comes to lift you out of the place of despair into the place of healing and restoration.We declare that anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness will no longer shackle you, receive the grace of God now to forgive and step forward into a new season. Burdens be lifted and yokes of bondage be destroyed. . . Every satanic limitation against your advancement be swallowed up by the anointing of God now! We clear the pipeline for your breakthroughs with the blood of Jesus. Step into God’s liberty, stand fast in it and continue forward in him. In you do we live, move and have our being…out of that being we do your will.Thank you that your word takes on flesh in the form of us and we move forth as living epistles, lively stones, and the expression of you in the earth. Thank you Father for the performance of this prayer in the lives of your people, in Jesus’ matchless and mighty name.Yes and amen.
6 | Beloved
I AM NOT FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT
DON’T TOUCH ME
“
Please do not touch. ” Words most likely seen post-
ed next to a roped-away Faberge egg or mounted on a glass-encased display stand showing off a museum’s recent acquisition of a pair of eighteenth century spectacles. Antique clothing often has its delicate threads protected because oil on human hands exacerbates deterioration time. Can you imagine the horror on a curator’s face if an oblivious four-year-old, thinking it was a dress-up time, ran wildly through the Bania Gujarat collection, wearing Ghandi’s dhoti? We humans have a tendency to hole away our most prized possessions, placing them on the highest alcove shelf, or safeguarding them against handling by wrapping them in pimply, plastic bubble-wrap. The human body, though, is not as fragile, and made to react quite differently.
Systematically, our white blood cells destroy harmful germs and bacteria, and platelets rush immediately to a cut site and begin to clot.
By Nikki Clifton
Most significant, though, is how humans innately respond to touch. New research shows that being touched has direct and crucial effects on the chemistry of the body as well as the mind.Touch is a means of communication so critical that its absence retards growth in infants; brain chemicals released by touch, or others released in its absence literally account for an infant’s failure or success to thrive. “The standard policy in caring for premature infants has been a minimal touch rule. Babies born prematurely are kept in incubators and fed intravenously.They had been touched as little as possible because they had been observed becoming agitated when someone approached or handled them.The agitation sometimes put a dangerous strain on their tiny lungs, putting the infants in danger of hypoxia, an inability to oxygenate blood. However, light massage of the babies’ backs, legs and necks and gentle movement of their arms and legs proved to have a tonic
Break The Chains and Hold On | 7
effect immediately soothing them and eventually speeding growth, ” notes Dr.Tiffany Field, psychologist at the University of Miami Medical School. Hundreds of studies show that the skin is the body’s largest sensory organ and note the measurable emotional and physical benefits of touch. But what happens when the power of touch is harnessed and wielded as a destructive tool? What happens when fingers that could offer a supportive pat on the back secretly find their way into a child’s delicate folds? What happens when palm that could serve as warm, hug-fasteners speed through the air connecting to an adult face with ice-cold ferociousness? We shut down emotionally and wear an invisible sign that reads, “DO NOT TOUCH ME. ” The skin-to-skin contact that was supposed to communicate safety, reassurance and love served disapproval, pain and worthlessness instead.Touch is now synonymous with pain, and that pain manifests itself in as many different variations as there are people. I know firsthand the effects of touch misused. As a nine-year-old, I was sexually molested by a stranger who had come to visit my mother and who decided to come inside the tiny bedroom that I shared with my seven-year-old sister. Prepared by my Brownie Girl Scout troop’s reoccurring lesson on “stranger danger, ” I fought with all the strength I could muster, stammering through shock and the innocence of not knowing exactly what was happening.The days that followed were confusing, grey, and I found my own small “do not touch me” sign waiting for me. It fit around my small neck perfectly.Thankfully, I had an angel, my grandmother, Mrs. Ruby, that I call “Nana, ” who intervened with lots of tight, Avon scented hugs and a grandfather, Mr. Lucious, who’d show me off at the Longshoremen’s hall by resting a proud hand on my shoulder.They gave me a new blueprint for how to build a life of healthy intimacy. That was over twenty years ago and I know that the same remains true today: while physical contact is wonderful for all
8 | Beloved
its benefits, intimacy established by transparent verbal communication is supreme. Talking about being touched improperly – incest, rape, molestation - can be difficult for both men and women alike, especially since the society we live in heralds appearances and labels lives that are in emotional confusion as “good television”. “Ratchetness” - loud, head-rolling, ear-piercing, defensive aggression - is betraying. Used to demonstrate strength, it actually flashes a neon-colored light that screams, “I hurt!” The easy route is to either cover up pain, pretend as if it were never there, or shrug it off with the “this is just the way I am” justification. The problem with that, though, is because the sore is covered, it cannot heal. The solution is to talk to a friend, health-care professional, clergy or to yourself through the exercise of journaling. Local social services offices provide lists of support groups that are confidential and many are at no cost. Sessions can be one-on-one or in-group settings with others who are also ready to remove their “do not touch me” placards. In this issue of BELOVED, we’ve gathered a few amazing, resilient professionals, and common-folk to help get the conversation started. Yes, the human body is an amazing, glorious instrument capable of incredible feats, but it ironically thrives best not behind a glass case, but by being handled in loving, affirming ways.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Nikki Clifton is a Former Editor of BELOVED magazine and advocates for women and children’s health issues. She is a highly sought after speaker and freelance journalist, as well as the author of, “Through Ruby-Red Glasses. ” Twitter: @nikkiclifton
Lipstick &Lashes ATTENTION SUPERWOMAN
IT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND
T
here is a term that has been going around for over 30 years describing the misconception that a woman who can do it all. And every woman wants to, aspires to, and claims to be her. . . Superwoman. But striving to be a Superhero is not all it’s cracked up to be. Although on the outside, the Superwoman appears to have it all under control--physically, emotionally, and mentally--in her mind, she is constantly replaying all the reasons she sucks at life, being a mother, sibling, daughter, and employee, not to mention her body image issues and having a dirty home. She’s also playing a never-ending movie of every insecurity she has, with a couple highlights of embarrassing moments and guilt-ridden memories she’ll never allow herself to forget.
By ChaChanna Simpson
others have of you.Then feel crushed when you don’t measure up because you’re still in denial about you being a superhero. And you create these unattainable expectations because you are comparing yourself to someone else’s life or what you perceive them to think of you--which is a total disaster because when you look at yourself from someone else’s point of view, you never measure up. And now their opinion of you is more important than your own. So you continually seek out validation to prove, make up, or correct the human flaw.This is no way to live. But instead of realizing this and treating yourself like you do your loved ones, with understanding, you berate yourself, and say
But because Superwoman is supposed to be flawless, and never utter a word of weakness, you’ll never know that she is secretly overwhelmed, unhappy, and suffering (and quickly approaching a major meltdown). And this is the major problem I have with women calling themselves Superwoman or thinking they have to be this Superwoman, who can do everything, and be everything to everyone and save the world, all at the same time, with no problems. Let me inform you that Superwoman is dead. No woman can or ever has been able to do it all.And when you try, do you know who doesn’t get your much needed time and attention? You! Superwoman is ALWAYS the last person on her list.There never seems to be enough time because you are putting everyone else first. I always wonder why, Superwoman, is everyone else more important than you? And, I realize that, like most women I share this with, you’re probably shaking your head, agreeing with me but you will continue to live up to this unfair expectation you have, and believe
Break The Chains and Hold On | 9
answer is yes, keep on keeping on. If it’s no, then stop giving that thought your creating energy because that thought leads you to another thought and quickly spirals into an amazing tragic story that will never happen. During that thought process, you are caught up in the emotions, sadness, anger, disappointment and nothing has even happened in real life. (I know I’m not the only one who has gotten caught up in a “what if” scenario. ) This is such a waste of your emotions, creativity, and time. So stop those thoughts and force yourself to focus on something else. Turn that thought around and make it positive or think of something for which you are grateful. Exercise #3 Become your own personal historian.
some really nasty, mean things you probably would not put up with if someone else said those same things to you. For the love of cupcakes (and I do LOVE them), please stop saying mean things to yourself because you are not able to do everything for everyone else, you didn’t live up to the expectations of someone else, or for a moment—you didn’t live up to the expectations you have of yourself. You’re human and you will mess up. I guarantee it!
Stepping out of the cape
Our lives are a true indication of what we are thinking all the time. And this Superwoman Complex perpetuates because we continue to believe that every other woman is able to do everything and wonder what is wrong with us when we find out we can’t. So in order to stop verbally abusing ourselves every chance we get for what did or didn’t get done, we need to learn how to talk to ourselves with more respect, pride, and love. And lucky for you, I have three ways you can begin turning around that negative self-talk and start treating yourself like the queen you are. Exercise #1 Start paying attention to when you have those negative thoughts. Do you even realize how you talk to yourself all day? Most of us don’t. We are used to this “conversation” that happens in our minds all day. So, your assignment is to for one day, write down every negative thought you have and every positive thought and compare the two at the end of the day. Most times, as I did, you’ll stop after an hour after you realize the awful things you say to yourself, all the time. Exercise #2 Stop those thoughts in their tracks. When you notice you are having an amazingly horrible thought: Stop and ask yourself is this thought making me feel good? If the
10 | Beloved
It’s too easy for you to tell yourself what you cannot do, what you should not do, what you did wrong, etc. With this exercise, you are to celebrate what you did do, what you can do, what you want to do. I actually tried this exercise - found on Pinterest and I love it. You will need three things: • A clear jar (empty spaghetti or pickle jar or a Mason jar works, you can find all kinds of creative jar styles at craft stores. ); • 3 x 3 colored paper cube (you can find them at most pharmacy stores or office supply stores); and • A pen. During the day, write down your successes on a colored piece of paper and place it in the jar.You can collect them for an entire year and review them at the end of the year. Or you can do it at the end of each week, month, or quarter - your choice. Retraining your mind is a continuous and progressive work; these are not quick fixes and may not work immediately. However, if you are committed to using your power to change your mind for your benefit, then you’ll need to commit to repeatedly practicing until transforming your thoughts immediately becomes natural. When you are loving and understanding yourself, you will no longer seek validation from others; you will put your needs first, and walk consistently in your own happiness. Once these things become evident people will increasingly love being around you, and feeling your stellar energetic vibe. And, most importantly, you will love being around you!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR ChaChanna Simpson is a Superwoman Tamer, Motivational Speaker, and Empress of YourStellarStar. com. She works with women, who are suffering from Superwoman Complex,“escape the cape” into self-care and release the Queen inside. Follow her on Twitter to read her escape the cape musings at twitter. com/ChaChanna.
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Break The Chains and Hold On | 11
Serving the Pastor: Does that include Sex and Accepting Behavior that’s Abusive?
12 | Beloved
When Elijah heard the voice, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, What are you doing here, Elijah? 14 He said, I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts, because the Israelites have forsaken Your covenant, thrown down Your altars, and slain Your prophets with the sword. And I, I only, am left, and they seek my life, to destroy it. 15 And the Lord said to him, Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus; and when you arrive, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. 16 And anoint Jehu son of Nimshi to be king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah to be prophet in your place. 17 And him who escapes from the sword of [a]Hazael Jehu shall slay, and him who escapes the sword of Jehu Elisha shall slay. 18 Yet I will leave Myself 7, 000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him. 19 So Elijah left there and found Elisha son of Shaphat, whose plowing was being done with twelve yoke of oxen, and he drove the twelfth. Elijah crossed over to him and cast his mantle upon him. 20 He left the oxen and ran after Elijah and said, Let me kiss my father and mother, and then I will follow you. And he [testing Elisha] said, Go on back. What have I done to you? [Settle it for yourself. ] 21 So Elisha went back from him. Then he took a yoke of oxen, slew them, boiled their flesh with the oxen’s yoke [as fuel], and gave to the people, and they ate. Then he arose, followed Elijah, and served him. 1 Kings 19:13-21 (AMP) 13
The scriptures are replete with examples of where people have sought to serve the servant of God. In the Old Testament, you will find that: • Joshua was Moses’ minister (servant) - (Joshua 1:1) • Elisha poured water on Elijah’s hands (was his assistant) – (2 Kings 3:11) • David ministered to Saul in music – (1 Samuel 16:21-23) In the New Testament, you will find that: • Mary Magdalene, wiped Jesus’ feet with her hair and with her tears (Luke 7:38) • Martha of Bethany served Jesus and His disciples, when He came to their home to preach the gospel of the Kingdom (Luke 10:38-42) • Lydia, upon her conversion in faith in Christ, ministered hospitality to Paul and his companions (Acts 16:14, 15). Such acts of service were done out of love for God and in thanksgiving for God’s love shown to them through His servant. In much of the Old Testament, you will see service provided while in a mentoring relationship of sorts, for one preparing to succeed the servant of God, upon his transition.
In today’s church, you will see much of the same. In houses of worship throughout the world, both men and women, those who hold office and those who do not, seek to support the servant of God spiritually, practically (through clerical, technical and/or administrative support), financially, or otherwise. Oftentimes, this is done to “lighten the load” of the servant of God; to exercise their spiritual gift for the good of their house of worship; to provide comfort or support for the servant’s spouse or family; to undergird the mission/vision of the house , for Kingdom purposes, etc. When such support is given and received with a pure heart and clean motives, it serves to refresh the hearts of both those giving and receiving service. Such devotion to the servant is given in thanksgiving for how the servant has blessed them. (Ruth 1:16) Nevertheless, in the contemporary “church, ” you will find those who spiritually, emotionally, and financially misuse and abuse those wishing to support them.What can drive this behavior is: • Perversion of biblical principles of those in leadership, coupled with lack of understanding of biblical principles of those in “follow ship” • Selfish ambition, in using others to get where they want to go • Perceived need and or/ greed • A spirit of entitlement.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 13
The Scriptures teach us that all that we do in service to God and His people are to be rooted in love; and that love is manifested in sincere, heart-felt service. Indeed, the VOICE version of Galatians 5:13 tells us that, “Brothers and sisters, God has called you to freedom! Hear the call, and do not spoil this gift by using your liberty to engage in what your flesh desires [emphasis mine]; instead, use it to serve each other as Jesus taught through love. ” In the same vein, God’s Word speaks of “works of the flesh, ” or deeds of carnality, that are manifested or made evident in certain behaviors. Galatians 5:19 -21 describes them as such; “It’s clear that our flesh entices us into practicing some of its most heinous acts: participating in corrupt sexual relationships, impurity, unbridled lust, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, arguing, jealousy, anger, selfishness, contentiousness, division, envy of others’ good fortune, drunkenness, drunken revelry, and other shameful vices that plague humankind. I told you this clearly before, and I only tell you again so there is no room for confusion: those who give in to these ways will not inherit the kingdom of God. ” The scriptures are clear that these deeds do not come from pure motives, and those that perform them shall not inherit the kingdom of God. Nevertheless, you will find such behavior in the church, worldwide. Several examples of spiritual /sexual abuse by clergy toward laypersons have been found in both Protestant and Catholic churches. • The Christian Post reported about an Alabama pastor who had AIDS, confessed committing adultery with several church members, without informing them of his condition. (http:// www. christianpost. com/news/aids-infected-pastor-juan-mcfarland-who-committed-adultery-in-church-with-members-refuses-to-step-down-127998/) • A South African pastor reportedly instructed congregation members to eat grass so that they can “be closer to God, ” according to Times Live. As the obedient ministry followers ate the grass, the pastor was “allegedly witnessed walking on top of his congregants as they were spread out across a lawn. ” http://newsone. com/2832419/pastor-lesego-daniel/ First Samuel 2:11-17, tells of Hophni and Phineas, sons of the prophet Eli, who were to serve as prophets of God.The text reports that, although they held the office of priest that they didn’t even know God and that they had no regard for their responsibilities as priests in His service. According to the scriptures, they were known for: • Hijacking God’s portion of the sacrifices for those seeking God’s forgiveness and favor (vs. 11:17) • Having sex with the women who were serving in the Tabernacle (v. 22) By the time the New Testament church was born, this spirit had crept within congregations; “Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God, because many false prophets are gone out into the world. ” 1 John 4:1.
14 | Beloved
Those that exert ungodly influence upon unsuspecting people within their congregations are among those who commit spiritual abuse. How can you detect spiritual or religious abuse in your church? When you see those who commit: • Manipulation of people’s time, talents or treasures (including their bodies and their affections) (2 Corinthians 9:7; Mt. 23:4) • Proof-texting, or manipulating the scriptures to support their ungodly influence (2 Peter 1:21) • Phariseeism , or a “holier than thou” attitude (Matthew 23:27; Luke 18:10-14) • Deception, in attributing teachings to God that are not reflected in the scriptures (1 Tim. 4:1) • Legalism, adding rules and regulations that God does not call for (Galatians 2:21; 3:1) • Demanding allegiance to them, rather than to God (Mark 10:45) • Dogmatism that teaches that “ain’t nobody right but us. ” (Mark 9:40) • Those whose lifestyles are in consistent, direct opposition to the Word that they preach, without repentance (Mt. 7:15-16) There are ways that we can shield ourselves from such abuse and those that commit them. • Know the word of God for yourself.When you are thoroughly acquainted with truth, you can see error coming from a mile away and are less inclined to believe self-seeking interpretations of the Word (John 8:32). • Report the transgression to one to whom the clergy is accountable (Matthew 18:15-20) • Depending on the type or level of the abuse committed, report the leader to the law enforcement. • Seek a ministry where the Word of God is taught truthfully and where the love of God is evident. (1 John 4:7) • Seek support from those who know and love both God and you.When we’re in a community of love and support, we are less vulnerable to those who seek to capitalize on your need for acceptance. (2 Cor. 1:4) • Know your gifting and purpose in the Body of Christ and perform the ministry that Good has given you with a clear conscience (2 Timothy 1:6-7) • Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. (Gal. 5:1 MSG)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Carol Nash-Lester serves as Senior Pastor of Bethel Apostolic Temple of Miami, Florida and as president of the Bethel Temple Community Development Corporation. She is the author of From Chaos to Clarity, Calling Your Life to Order; It’s a New Season; God Will…. If You Will, Pathways to Pentecost: Igniting the Power of God in Your Mind, Your Ministry and Your Marriage and Good Mourning: Getting Through What You’re Going Through, which will be released Fall 2015.
Interludes
A Haven Kept Quiet By Ameerah Sanders
Sssshhhh. Keep the password hidden. They must not know the key to our haven. They must not hear the swing and beat of the music, That brings us people of different strokes together. They must not taste the burning whiskey and sweet brown sugar That make us forget we are forbidden fruit, for you are Adam and I Eve. They must not feel the wind of the trumpet as it stirs our soul to dance a dance somewhere Between a fox trot and a jitterbug. For we are too far gone to care where our feet fall. They must not see your hand in mine. As we keep each other from losing Our way in the cacophony of brass tunes and vibrant struck cords. For if we don’t our haven shall be lost. Keep the password hidden. Sssshhhhh.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 15
A Beat from my Heart
REALITY WOMEN, SOCIAL WOMEN AND THE WOMAN YOU NEED By JioVanni Jones
I
n recent years, multiple videos of children dancing in an adult fashion have surfaced.What’s worse is the discovery that parents are recording this behavior! There is a new rise in pageant participation in which tittle girls are made up to look like grown women, all in the spirit of competition. This has a negative impact on children as it makes them mature before time.They are not allowed the freedom of childhood and sadly, it is due to pressure from parents to keep up with what’s considered “in. ” Picture that same little girl as a teenager who has been trained since she was very young to act and do things beyond her years. Is it so hard to understand why many young women become pregnant too soon? If this teen has been looking and acting as an adult since childhood, sexual relations at a young age would not be out of the ordinary.The immediacy of victory for their looks is what is marketed to young girls. Women who carry on casual sexual relationships with multiple partners (Carrie, Sex and The City) are sensationalized, yet the complaint that tasting companionship cannot be found persists. Men understand that women who are liberal with their bodies may also are liberal with their loyalties and that’s not a risk most men will take. Over the years, the level of respect men have for women has diminished due to the issues raised throughout conversation. A man will not give you complete respect unless you demand it. Trust me; a man loves a woman who respects herself. It tells him three things: that he should court you, that you will carry yourself properly, and that loyalty is safe. Ladies, if you want to find a quality man do not give yourself to large quantities of boys. The most beautiful union God intended is between a man and a woman. The enemy knows this and wants to drive as many wedges as possible
16 | Beloved
between them. He knows two are always stronger than one.The reason so much abuse goes on to this day is because it starts early. If a child grows up in a home where they are yelled at, and are physically abused, they will gravitate toward that behavior when they are older. Familiarity sometimes betrays you. I’ve had friends and loved ones who continue to remain in abusive relationships and all the time I would wonder, “Why?” It would be very easy to sit back, judge and project how I would handle the situation. However, I do not do it, because you never know how you will truly handle any situation until (or unless) that situation enters your life. Learn how to be still and wait on the Lord. Sure, you may have prayed, fasted, and even waited previously on an answer from the Lord, but who is to say He has not answered you yet? God’s time is not our time. His ways are not ours. God wants us to work on our relationship with Him. How can you expect God to send you a significant other when you are mistreating the most significant relationship of their existence that relationship being with your Heavenly Father? Allow God’s voice to guide you on the path He wants you to follow. Maybe that man or woman you so desire is not ready for you or vice versa.You worship what you put first in your life.What’s first in yours?
God has no choice but to bless you when you keep His commandments and utilize His Word with an honest heart. The problem in relationships is that people do not want to wait. Men and women feel that if they are single then something is wrong with them. No! Take that time to grow in Christ and let Him deliver your mate. The best advice I could ever share is that your past is just that - the past. You cannot let it define you any longer and you cannot allow anyone else to treat you like your former self. Be careful, wait on the Lord, and I guarantee He will never let you down. When you rely on yourself instead of God, you will fail. Besides, would you rather consult someone who knows a lot about a lot of things, or consult One who knows everything about everything? I choose the latter.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Prior to meeting the woman who became my wife, I was searching for something. I prayed to God to send me someone who I could love, and who would love me unconditionally. I did not mention appearance, body type, income, or job title. I simply asked with an earnest heart for e e ph someone who would be my true friend.The lif astro ES! a t friendship I share with my wife is the most vital g ca UT in t i a l I N v n part of our relationship. A lot of people judge Sa ot e 0 M p 1 a a potential suitor by physical attraction alone. om RY E fr This is erroneous. Many men and women have EV sexual chemistry but are polar opposites when it comes to companionship, conversation, or interest. Sex does not last forever.
JioVanni Jones is from Cincinnati, Ohio and a graduate of The Ohio State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications. His previous work includes poetry and he is currently completing his first novel. He enjoys his faith in God and music.
I live
alone
Part of the wedding vows state, “…in sickness and in health…” Imagine being in a sexually based marriage and your wife or husband needs their hip replaced. Aside from being major surgery and needing time to heal, you cannot be intimate with them until they are ready to do so.Will you somehow learn to talk to them and bond on an intellectual level? What if, God forbid, your spouse is in a terrible accident that disfigures them? Will you stay with them when they are hard to look at? Will their need for care overcome what was purely sexual? When you build a relationship on friendship, you learn things.You learn the person’s character and what they value.You learn their mindset and aspirations.You learn if it is even worth your time pursuing them if you choose to listen.
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1-800-589-8146 Break The Chains and Hold On | 17
By Cynthia D. Stargell
18 | Beloved
I
f the entire world is indeed a stage, then some unforgettable performances are now playing out by us and before our very eyes. Sexual abuse, sexual trafficking and a resurgence of unbridled sexual liberation is center stage and under the spotlight. We can no longer head for the EXIT sign as if sex in Christian circles doesn’t exist. The evening news is littered with stories of those who have been violated by a sexual offense, and some of that offense in the church. Tragically, recurring themes centered on immediate sexual gratification and the power of one over another are ever before us. Following the death of Trayvon Martin, “Black Lives Matter” was chanted from one community to the next. But the fact of the matter is, ALL LIVES MATTER; and so we must now look behind the proscenium curtain to see what’s really going on. We must, more importantly, seek what God wants us to know about our value. THE NEED TO FEEL LOVED Most people have a need to feel loved. Whether by family, friends, or a significant other, after years of abstinence, adhering to church constructs, pinned up sexual frustrations are bound to catch up with you. Pinch yourself. What did you just pinch? Flesh. Did you feel that pinch? Sure you did. And if you
pinch hard enough, you might leave a mark. That’s what happens when flesh gives way to sexual desires. A temporary act has the ability to leave a mark on the heart. . . and soul. SAVE YOURSELF One of the most powerful tools to keep yourself from sexual promiscuity is prayer. God made us and knows our DNA better than we do. (Jeremiah 1:5) Since he already has the script, why not seek him for the way of escape to keep you out of situations you will feel guilty for later. Secondly, know your triggers. In a social work or clinical setting, clients are advised to be aware of people, places, or things that caused them to make poor choices in the past.The same applies to protecting your sexual self as a believer. If you know the company of a certain person, alone, usually ends up between the sheets, find the EXIT sign quick! If shopping on a certain side of town on weekends leads to a home visit of the wrong kind, perhaps you need another area to shop. Proverbs 4:23 admonishes us to guard our affections for they influence everything else in your life.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 19
Should you find yourself yielding to the desires of the flesh, yes, it was a choice too, but God prepared for that also. (I Corinthians 10:13) YOU ARE VALUABLE In the search to be accepted and loved, there could be an underlying issue of value or self-worth. Bestselling Pastor and author Rick Warren sums it up this way, “ God says not only are you accepted, you’re valuable. ” Countless items auctioned at Sotheby’s carry monetary values into the billions of dollars, but God thought so much more of you to buy you with the blood of His own son. That’s enough to think twice about your worth. BUT I WAS VIOLATED In the following discussion, let’s establish one premise - POWER belongs to God. In His infinite wisdom however, He has given everyone the power of choice. Does one choose their date of birth? No, but once an individual is able to make decisions-even in childhood-- God gives the power of choice.What one chooses to do with that power is totally up to them, but power unrestrained leaves victims along the way.
HE’S GOTTA HAVE IT After several years away, Uncle Soinso returned to the family circle and noticed you were no longer the little girl or boy who sat playfully on his lap. My how you’ve grown! His eyes gazed at the pre-teen you are becoming. He selfishly pondered his ability to lead you out of innocence and carefully plotted ways to catch you in a basement, a bedroom or perhaps in his car in a remote area—away from the security of parents or extended family. Consequences were of no effect to his sick mind. His sole determination was to violate your very being for self-gratification. When the opportune time revealed itself, he skillfully established power through fear-- fear of the unknown, fear of the embarrassment of being found out, fear of what could happen to you if you ever told-- then he pounced on you like a tiger catching his prey; satisfied the unthinkable deed was both justified and covered.Victims of incest were common even in biblical times. In Second Samuel 13, King David’s son Absalom had a half-brother named Amnon. Absalom’s sister Tamar was so attractive to Amnon; he couldn’t rest because of the over-abundance of thoughts about her. By mere request, he could have had any other maiden in the kingdom. But listening to the counsel of David’s foolish advisor Jonadeb, he made a choice to set a trap for Tamar. Here’s how the situation played out in the Second Samuel 13, excerpted from the New International Version of the Bible:
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20 | Beloved
“Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand. ” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister. ” Amnon set the scene by pretending to be sick. His motivation was to satisfy his own desire whether she agreed to it or not. Determination sealed Tamar’s fate. She tried to protect her sexual self and pleaded with him not to violate her body; but clarity of thought left him in exchange for the immediate need to fulfill the lust of flesh. When presented with an insurmountable scheme, Tamar suggested, alternatively, that he ask for her properly for her sake. The 14th verse of Second Samuel 13 revealed Amnon’s point of no return:
“But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. ” (2nd Samuel 2:14)
Uncle Soinso and Amnon types are clearly in need of deliverance —and possibly a mental assessment or two —from such line-crossing acts. Physical, emotional, and spiritual healing for the offended are often tied to the justice in exposing the criminal who violated more than their physical being. Dignity and self-worth are now challenged. This violation was real, rendering as the one violated seemingly powerless. Not at the point of the act, but at the point the victim believes they created the breach. Wearing emotional scars of an unwelcomed experience, victims inevitably ask themselves what they could have done differently to avoid the situation. Although the scenario is certainly not perceived as God’s perfect will, God still creates an avenue for the situation to be used for His glory. His love for us so encompassing, that through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus He reaches beyond the violation to provide spiritual and emotional strength to lift you to a safe place through His word:
SURE, AT FIRST I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BY THE WHOLE PEEING STANDING UP THING. BUT I TAUGHT HIM TO THROW A STICK AND NOW HANGING OUT WITH HIM IS THE BEST PART OF MY DAY. — EINSTEIN adopted 12-09-10
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. ” (Psalm 40: 1-3, NIV) This wonderful passage from The Psalms is an encouragement to those who feel they can’t pull themselves out of any participation in or victimization through sexual sin. Not only can God lift you out of the pit, He can give you a firm place to stand and give you a song of praise to sing to Him. How great is our God! You are valued because you were on His mind when He created you. (Jeremiah 1:5) You are surrounded by an everlasting love from The Father. (Jeremiah 31:3) You matter to Him because He sent Jesus to die for your sin. (St. John 3:16) Get up, dust yourself off, and move forward.The ovation in Heaven will be worth every act experienced on earth.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 21
By Alia Knight
22 | Beloved
T
he story of Amnon and Tamar is, to put it very delicately, not one that you are likely to find in a Sunday school curriculum. It deals with matters of sexual violence and incestuous desires; subjects that most people understandably recoil from in emotional pain and disgust. However, this story of horrific sexual desire teaches generational audiences how one can identify the risk of potential incest or sexual violence before it happens.That is the central lesson we can take away from this biblical tale; the risk factors for incest and assault. In brief, Amnon was the son of King David and Ahinoam.Tamar was the daughter of the king David and Maachah. Amnon was King David’s heir apparent. Despite laws against brother-sister and even half brother-sister relations, Amnon was beset by an intense desire for Tamar. He took the advice of his cousin Jonadab, whom the Scriptures describe as “crafty, ” and tricked her into coming into his room by faking an illness and a request for Tamar to cook a meal for him. Once they were alone in his room, Amnon raped Tamar though she did resist.Two years later,Tamar’s full brother Absalom exacted revenge. He organized a feast and invited all the king’s sons to attend. Absalom gave his servants orders to go to the feast and kill Amnon, which they carried out successfully. Sadly, barring the historical context, this is an all too familiar story for many victims of sexual assault. One does not need an expert literary analysis to see the parallels that exist between Amnon and a present day sexual predator.To see more specifically, what we can learn from this tragic story, let us start from its beginning. Propensity for sexual violence or incestuous attraction does not just occur in a vacuum. Perpetrators, more often than not, have been victims themselves when they were young and vulnerable, or have witnessed perverse behavior growing up.The perverse behavior may not be violent like Amnon’s assault on Tamar. It may simply be examples of a sense of entitlement and lack of real love within the home. “Amnon falls in love with his step-sister, ” explains Pastor Robert Roe of Peninsula Bible Church, “but in actuality his feeling is lust. He doesn’t know what true love is. He has never seen it.There was no true love in his family.You recall Bathsheba was not loved by David. . . She was not loved until a year or so after their child was born and died. Finally, David comforted her after the loss of that child broke him, and only then did God begin to call Bathsheba his wife. It is probable that after he had lain with her he had all the disgust, self-loathing, and guilt that go with something like that.That is the model of love Amnon witnessed. ” Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. If a given person is with someone they are comfortable and familiar with, they are of course not going to have their guard up.They are less likely to second-guess requests and claims that the perpetrator makes.Tamar did as her brother asked when he lured her into his room because they were family. It probably did not even occur to her that someone related to her by blood would violate her in such a horrific manner. Isolating the victim not only makes the actual assault easier, but it also serves the attacker in that it makes it so the only two witnesses are the victim and the assailant. In the days of Tamar and Amnon, three witnesses would be required under the law to confirm that a rape occurred and
Break The Chains and Hold On | 23
see her weakness as well as his own. She would always be a reminder of his act of sin. ”
punishment should be carried out accordingly. Amnon, not to mention his marauding cousin, planned the scenario out well. He went straight to the king and requested Tamar be sent to tend to him in his illness.That was the only conceivable way he could even get close to Tamar, let alone get alone with her.Amnon sent the servants away so that no one would see or hear what happened. The aftermath of the rape illustrates another facet of sexual maltreatment that is less comprehensible and arguably the most tragic.The Scriptures say, “. . . Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!” - Samuel 13:15.The American Journal of Biblical Theology explains this appalling and baffling reaction on Amnon’s part. “He could still marry Tamar, and avoid most of the consequences of the act. However, that was never Amnon’s intent. Now, any time he would look at Tamar he would
Guilt is a common symptom of sexual abuse survivors. Perpetrators will do anything to dissuade their victims from telling anybody about the assault, from threatening their lives to telling them no one will believe the contact was forced or even believe them contact occurred at all. Or, as in the case of Amnon, they will diffuse their feelings of self-loathing and any regrets onto the victim. They do not want to believe they were responsible for their sin, so they put all their negative feelings onto their victims.Tamar wanted Amnon to marry her as was the custom in those days because he had taken her virginity and it would be next to impossible for her to find a husband otherwise, but Amnon couldn’t even give her that. He had her forcibly removed from his house just as cruelly as he had forced her to his bed.Tamar went to her brother Absalom in a state of terrible grief and shame. She tore her clothes and covered her face with ashes as a sign of her grief.Absalom knew right away what had happened when he saw her and told her not to tell anyone,“Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart. ” Then he took her into his house where she remained “a desolate woman” according to Samuel 13:18-20. David heard about Tamar’s rape and was “furious” but did nothing.
Why did Absalom tell his sister to remain silent? Did he want to protect her from further scandal? And why did King David not reprimand his son for raping his daughter? Did he not want to interfere with Amnon’s impending ascension of the throne? Whatever the reason, these actions are an example of what not to do when a victim divulges their assault. Especially when a sexual assault has occurred within a family as it did with Tamar and Amnon, the rest of the family feels a sense of shame themselves and want to downplay the situation out of a desire to avoid further scandal. This will only compound the sense of shame, humiliation, and disgrace that the victim is left with. Every possible avenue of treatment and support for the survivor must be explored and the assailant must be prosecuted. This, admittedly, is terribly difficult if the assailant was a Are you tired of going in circles? Are you ready for change? family member. However, as Christians Do you desire to walk in all that God has for you? we not only have a responsibility to love and support victims but to protect potential future victims. Do not wait until Claim you FREE 1 hour discovery session TODAY. someone else is attacked to decide you must do something about it. If someone Step out in FAITH into the next chapter of your life! approaches you about their assault who is outside of your family, you are equally responsible to do everything in your Call: 352-507-5761 Email:Audra@AudraCoatsHudson.com power to assure the predator does not hurt anyone else.
24 | Beloved
Breaking
the Soul Ties from Sexual Abuse By Audra Coats Hudson
S
exual abuse is a very distinct and personal trauma that often leaves wounds that last well after the abuse has stopped.With the fields of counseling and psychology--both secular and Christian--making advances in understanding how our minds handle trauma, our ability to treat survivors of sexual abuse continues to improve.This, of course, is a very good thing. However, emotional scars aren’t the only scars that need to be treated; we also have to treat the spiritual ones by breaking the soul ties that were created. A soul tie is a spiritual connection that is forged during sexual activity. In sex, we are literally becoming one with the person we are intimate with.This oneness is more than just a physical phenomenon because we aren’t just physical beings.We were created with a spirit and a soul (our mind, will and emotions) to go along with our physical self.When oneness occurs during sexual intimacy, it occurs in our body, soul and our spirit. This tie isn’t something that we can choose to turn on or off at will. God created sex in this way because He intended us to bond with our spouse. His ultimate design for sex was an act of love wherein we intimately and completely know our spouse--emotionally and spiritually--and then manifest that love physically in a way that brings about new life and glorifies God. The significance of a husband being inside his wife loving, protecting and cherishing her is a reflection of our relationship with God where He dwells inside of us to love, protect and cherish.When I think about sex, I often think about the Trilogy at the beginning of creation. Father, Son and Spirit together in perfect emotional and spiritual intimacy giving and receiving love from one another and out of that love--the desire to share that love--they birthed the earth and all of its inhabitants. This is why sex is so holy to God; He created it to be a physical representation of something very spiritual and sacred. The good news is that soul ties are a way of forging a deeper connection with your spouse.The bad news is- that for victims of sexual abuse, these ties are created as well.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 25
The first step in breaking these ties is to surrender to God; allowing Him free reign in this journey towards wholeness. Let Him lead you and show you how He wants to bring healing to your life. Don’t fight Him on it, even if it’s painful, because He always has your best interest at heart. He is your Father; He loves you and wants to set you free.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. ” James 4:10
The effects of these ties may be subtle or obvious depending on the person. But some of the signs include: 1) Difficulty forming intimate relationships 2) Feeling helpless or used 3) Promiscuity 4) Low self-esteem and self-worth 5) Seeing sex as meaningless 6) Drug and alcohol abuse 7) Feeling that sex is dirty or wrong even within marriage 8) Trouble forgiving those who have wronged you The places in our soul where the ties have occurred are weak spots in our spiritual defenses. Like emotional wounds, ignoring the gaps in our spiritual defenses will not make them better. In fact, ignoring them can make them worse because we haven’t allowed God to clean and heal us; thus, the wounds often fester. Many times these spiritual weak spots make us more susceptible to demonic oppression and that’s because sexual activity that occurs outside of the bonds of marriage is often a highway for demonic activity.The result is difficulty in spiritual intimacy with God and the benefits that intimacy provides such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, etc. In their place, is often the opposite: deep-rooted anger, bitterness, despair, intolerance, selfishness, non-forgiveness, and turmoil despite a desire to let these things go. When you allow God to repair those weak spots and restore you to spiritual wholeness, your ability to grow fully in the spiritual benefits of God improves. If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, please understand: it was NOT your fault and nothing you did caused it.You are not broken, you are not dirty, and you have worth.YOU ARE LOVED. My goal is to help you recognize and take hold of this truth in the spiritual so that it can manifest fully in your body and your soul.
26 | Beloved
The second step is trusting that God not only wants to set you free but is powerful enough to liberate you. Being a victim of sexual abuse, especially if the abuse was perpetrated by someone you trusted, could make it difficult for you to trust others, including God. One of the few things that can tie the hands of an Almighty God is our lack of faith and trust in Him. Before you can ask anything of God, you must trust that He is willing and able to do all that He has promised in His Word including setting us free and making us whole. If God, through faith, can raise people from the dead, provide children to an elderly couple, and gift us with everlasting life, then He can restore your spirit to wholeness.
“And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. ” Hebrews 11:6 The third step, and quite possibly the hardest, is forgiving the one(s) that wronged you.When we refuse to forgive, we cut
ourselves off from the blessings of God as well as His spiritual/ emotional restoration.When dealing with the aftermath of something as damaging as sexual abuse, it may seem like forgiving the abuser is somehow saying that what they did to you was ok. That isn’t the case.The forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs, it’s so that you will be free.When we harbor bitterness and non-forgiveness, we keep ourselves bound to the person who wronged us and the damage they did.When we forgive them and release the weight of it to God, He is able to forgive our own sins as set us free.
“For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses. ” Matthew 6:14-15 Once you’ve completed the first three steps, the final two should be easy. Next, write down the name of your abuser--or make a list if there was more than one person. If you don’t know the person’s name you can write a BRIEF description of them or what happened to you. Due to the traumatic nature of what you may have experienced, you may not want to do this alone if it will be a trigger for you, especially if you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you are working with a mental health professional, talk to them about your desire to break the soul ties. If you don’t have a mental health practitioner, perhaps ask a trusted friend, or pastor to do this exercise with you. Once you have your list, pray over it, and ask God to break the soul ties created and restore your soul.You can pray something like this:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Audra Coats-Hudson is a speaker, writer, and Christian life coach in Ocala, Florida. Her mission is to promote sexual integrity worldwide, help build lasting and intimate marriages and assist women in finding their God-given life purpose.To learn more, please visit www. AudraCoatsHudson. com.
Heavenly Father, I come to you and ask for your help. I believe that you are Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. I sever and renounce all ties created to _________________. Lord I ask you now, by the precious blood of Jesus Christ, to cut, sever and release every emotional, spiritual, and physical tie that was forced upon me. By faith, I chose to forgive _____________________ for what they did to me and I receive the truth that it was not my fault. Lord, I stand on your word and trust that you are my Shepard and you restore my soul. I cast every bit of fear, doubt, shame, anger, hurt, distrust, and all other negative emotions that stem from the abuse onto you. I receive, by faith, complete emotional, physical, and spiritual healing from the damage the abuse has brought to my life and by your stripes I trust that I am healed, restored, and made whole. From this moment on, help me to hold steadfast to your word to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead, help me to press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling me. In Jesus name, Amen. Once you are done, take your piece of paper and cut, tear, or shred it up as a physical symbol of severing your ties to your abuser(s). Know that you have been set free for whom the Son sets free is free indeed.
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Break The Chains and Hold On | 27
Interludes
Shaken Soda By LaQuisha Hall, Mrs. Essence 2013 You are so cold. It is not easy looking into the complex eyes of an adult man who preached the word of God only days before, who was invited as a cousin to the family dinners; who drove you to and from high school.The trusted fellow, he helps your mother with maintaining the household in the absence of your father. You want to believe that he means well because he is an adult; he knows better. He would not hurt you while your mother is at work. Besides, she trusted him to care for her 14 year-old, precious daughter. However, you will find yourself for two years silently praying for salvation from the predator the community deemed a “man of God”. Forced to give up your birthed innocence, you decide to pack your favorite book bag with your best clothes, pictures and Michael Jackson CDs.You will believe that when you step out of the front door of what should have been a safe home, your demise will end. You will carry the weighted burden of silence for an additional two years.That baggage will become increasingly heavier to hold and hide as the weeks pile on.Your mental state will decide to finally put the bags down and reveal to your father a secret that a child should not have to articulate.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR LaQuisha Hall, the “Tailor-Made Teacher” of Confidence, goes far beyond what is expected of her.There was a time in LaQuisha’s life where she was not confident in much. She struggled through low self-esteem due to being naturally thin, witnessed domestic violence as a child and was sexually abused by clergy as a teen. Now an international advocate for herself and others, LaQuisha actively works to empower women and youth to overcome catastrophe through Couture’d Confidence. She is an award winning community service and the author of a self-esteem journal for young girls, Positively Bodyful. Reach out to her at: couturedconfidence@gmail. com.
28 | Beloved
You are a bottle of soda that has been shaken for years. The pressure has become too strong and the bottle cap has finally blown off. You feel accomplished, armed with the support of your father.The authorities will contact your mother, the woman who was charged with your protection. She will declare you a liar, and you will be devastated all over again.The bottle of soda, violently exposed and uncontained, has continued to splash its acidity over your thoughts, your belief of family relationships, and how you will interpret social life for years to come. Even after the soda’s acid levels become flat, its aftertaste remains soaked and stained within all crevices of what you call life.You now seek refuge in a different bottle.You swallow all of the pills hoping that you never awake, pouring your soul and all of your soda down the drain. You transition from being flat to flat-lining.You still recall a section of time that you were once bubbly and sweet; flavorful and uncompromised, even for a shortened season.You no longer want to be stained with the stench of old acids.You must be cleansed, and eventually you purify others who resemble you. In time, you will learn to refill with freshened content; you will have to refill with a second supply.The challenge will then become how to share your recipe of self-rejuvenation with others, teaching them how to wash themselves, and preparing them for a proper refilling. Your process will require much repair. It will hurt while healing.You will shed cleansing tears while simultaneously injecting better liquids. You will first survive; then you will conqueror.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 29
I
n my inner search for peace and safety throughout my tumultuous marriage, I held on tight to my faith. I believed that God would work things out and could make things better. One Sunday after church, I decided to share my abusive situation with an acquaintance and a fellow church member. She invited me to attend a support group for Christian wives. During the gathering, a slender, elderly woman with grey hair shared her testimony: “Greetings, everyone, my name is Sonya [a pseudonym] and I have been married to the same man for 42 years. Even though he took me through hell both physically and verbally, I still love him.You see he was a gangster ya’ll, who lived his life on the streets and then came home and beat the sense out of me and our kids, but I am here to tell you, today, he is a changed man. Now he beat me silly for over 25 years, but I stood by him, because that is what the Good Book says we are to do.Yes, even though he broke my jaw, cracked my ribs, and sent me to the hospital twice, I stood by him—you know, love, honor, and obey, till death do us part.Well, after he spent about 10 years in jail for dealing drugs, he came out and started beating me again, but something happened a few years later. He said the Lord captured his heart and told him that he was to preach the Gospel, and because of that, the beatings just stopped. Now our marriage is good. I am so glad I waited on the Lord to fix him.Wait, I say, on the Lord!” According to Walker (2000), despite a woman’s perception of danger, 17% still believe the batterer will eventually change.This group of women I met with was advocating staying in a toxic marriage because the abuser will eventually change, no matter how long it takes. Wow! Unbelievable! After 42 years of a marriage, he finally changed.Thoughts raced through my mind about my husband Omar.Will this be the same case for us? Confusion, panic, chaos, and inner turmoil all set in. How can I make sense of this for myself? He sent her to the hospital several times and she still stayed? Well, my marriage is not that bad - I thought to myself. Omar has never punched me, broken any bones, or given me a black eye. He is not so bad after all. Maybe it is me; maybe I need to be stronger in my faith. But he does choke me – I remembered. Is choking really considered domestic violence? How can I possibly take another 39 years with this violent man? Am I wrong for wanting to divorce my husband? According to Mills (1985), women often fail to identify the victim-
30 | Beloved
Break the Chains and Hold On to Your Faith By Maria Pinkston, Ph. D.
ization process. As the wives gathering ends, I touch Sister Bobbi’s shoulder and ask, “Sister Bobbi, may I please speak with you for one minute? I need to tell you something in private. ” “Sure, sugar, what is it?” “Sister Bobbi, Omar is hurting me. He is not a very good husband. I know what Sister Sonya says about waiting on the Lord, but it is hard, and I am not happy. I feel like I want a divorce. I need to leave.When Omar gets mad, he puts me in headlocks and chokes me. It is bad. ” “Now, Sister Maria, you cannot give up that easily, you all have not really been through anything yet.You say he chokes you; well, my husband spat on me once.You just need to know that God takes those marriage vows you made very seriously. Don’t you know a vow made before God cannot be broken? You need to just keep on praying, have faith, and things will eventually change. ” The light in my heart goes out. I have to honor my vows. I came here to learn how a Christian wife should handle problems in her marriage and I will do just as they say—hold on to my faith and wait for God. I will not let God down. According to Nason-Clark (2000), the majority of women of faith in abusive situations rely on their belief in God, and wait on Him to resolve the issues. I stayed for another year because I believed I was doing what pleased God -honoring the marital vows. Soon thoughts of suicide were constantly in my mind. I thought about taking pills, but convinced myself otherwise when I remembered one of my professors sharing with the class that most people would have to take hundreds of pills in order to die. I was too chicken to try anything else, like a gun or jumping off a bridge. After considering all this, I directed my thoughts to how I might kill
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32 | Beloved
Omar. Justification for killing Omar was easy to find. I was in so much pain and he was the source of my pain. He was a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a con artist and all around bad husband. I felt that it would solve my problems if he were dead. Fortunately, I again was too chicken to go through with a plan. After I had been in the abusive relationship for over 2 years, I slowly began to lose my mind.This dissociation with self meant that I had been driven into “protect” mode, and the best way to guard myself was to go to a virtual world. I felt like I was living in a fog. I would drive places and not be fully aware of where I was going or how I got where I was going. I became a hermit and isolated myself from friends and family. I was depressed and cried myself to sleep nearly every night for months. I chose to focus on what I could do to honor my marriage vows and be the type of good Christian wife described in the Bible. How would I accomplish this while feeling so bad all the time, I never have been so sad in all my life, and he treats me is wrong, but I need to know that I am being a good Christian. What a dilemma. I needed God’s help.Things had to change. I needed to know that God was listening to my prayers, because he had yet to give me a clear answer. Every day I went to God in prayer and everyday yielded no response. I started to doubt if God heard my prayers. “God, please help me, ” I would pray. I was tired of living in fear and anxiety. “God, please, fix me, or fix Omar, or fix us both, but make it different, please, ” I said. I needed to find peace of mind. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. . . Rescue me from the mouth of the lions, save me from the horn of the wild oxen. (Psalms 22:1-2; 21-22, NIV) This is an Old Testament commentary on the New Testament experience on the death of Christ. Christ used these words on the cross to express his feelings of abandonment and separation from his heavenly father. I related to these feelings of aloneness and sought out the Heavenly Father for an answer to my prayers. Then one day, God used my pastor (at the time) to deliver His response to me in a Rhema word straight from the throne of grace. During Bible study one evening at New Birth Baptist Church, Bishop Victor T. Curry approached the podium, “Today’s lesson is on the husband. ” His PowerPoint presentation was on the subject of “Godly Men. ” I remember thinking, man, I wish Omar were here to hear this one. Slide 1: “So, the Godly husband is supposed to treat his wife like Christ loved the church. ”
Next slide: “He is to love his wife and keep her free from blemishes. ” With each point, depression increased and I’m certain shock, disappointment, and disbelief filled my countenance. Bishop continued, “He is to be your best friend. He is not to hang around single friends . . .When he takes you as his wife, he is supposed to cherish you and be willing to die for you. ” “Yeah, right!” I say to myself as I stare off into space. “God, can you please find a way to let Omar hear about tonight’s lesson? Then maybe he will finally understand how he is supposed to treat me. ” As I get ready to walk out, I hear Bishop say loudly across the disbursing audience, “Hey, you, come here!” It sounds as if he is speaking to me. Is he talking to me? No way.What would he want from me? But I look around anyway. “You, yes you, come here, ” he says again. This time I point to myself and ask, “Me?” “Yes, you, ” he responds. I make my way to the front of the church where he is standing. As I walk up to him, I think to myself, what does he want? Oh, my goodness. Did he catch me staring off into space? He must think I am a little touched. Maybe he saw through me and saw my spirit—the spirit of depression all over my face. I often found myself with these blank facial expressions and I know that I had to have been staring at him during his lesson.When I approached him he asked, “Are you okay?” Oh, God, he saw me, how embarrassing, but maybe God has ordained for me to tell him what is going on. Let me tell him the truth; I need help and this may be my last chance. But then again, I need to sound like I have faith, like a good Christian should. So, trying hard to hold on to my faith, I responded, “No, but I’ll be all right. ” I do believe that somehow, someway, someday God will and can make everything better for Omar and me just as he did the lady from the wives group. Bishop responded, “I think we should talk. Can you tell me a little more about what’s happening?” “Well, my husband has not been treating me like how you just said he should, and I’m sorry for staring but I could not help it. I…. ” “Say no more, sister, ” as he cuts me off and asks, “May I please have a phone number where I may reach you sometime tomorrow? This way we have more time and you can tell me more about what’s going on. ” I give him my number and depart for home.
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The very next day, as promised, Bishop called, “Well pastor, I don’t know where to start, but I have to be honest with you, my husband is hurting me. He has ruined my credit. He continuously cheats on me, chokes me, and has dragged me down a flight of stairs. He put a knife to my neck. He holds me hostage. He kicks me out of the house, deprives me of sleep, hits me, throws me around the room, and yells at me. He tells me that if I ever leave him, he would kill me, and I am afraid he might do that. ”
A burden lifted from my shoulders. God answered my prayers. Bishop thinks my situation is bad and I need to leave for my safety.Wow! This means I have permission to leave.Whew! What a relief. I am not sure how many more months or years I could take. According to Miles (2000), battered women who are members of a congregation normally turn to their pastor for guidance, explaining that understanding what God has said about specific circumstances regarding divorce becomes of utmost importance. I did not realize it, but I had grounds for divorce based strictly on Omar’s treatment. Bishop helped me recognize that and counseled me on the matter. “Why yes, Maria, it is true what the Bible says, but you must be careful to read the entire passage, here in Ephesians it talks about both the husband and wife being equals:
“Wow! Do your parents know what is going on?” “No, I have not told them about most of this. ” “Well, I am sorry to hear this, but I have to tell you that I am concerned for your safety and I think you should tell your parents, ” he says. “Okay, ” I knew that he was right, yet I said confused. “But I believe that you are supposed to stay together through the good and bad times in life. ” “Yes, that’s what God wants us to do, but he also wants us to live in peace, and from what you told me, you are not living in peace, ” he explains. “Look, I am concerned about your safety and I want you to call me back after you speak with your parents.You can call me anytime day or night; I am here for you. ”
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“But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church” (Ephesians 5:24-29, New American Standard Bible). So, the vows had been broken by my husband when he opted not to treat me as Christ does the church. I had been released from the marriage vows the minute he decided to lay hands on me to cause harm and to sleep with another woman. Christ would not harm his church and neither should my husband cause harm to me.
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Reflections Similar to Moses, I went through my “wilderness experience” away from all that I had grown accustomed. During Moses’ “time in the wilderness, ” God spoke with him, showed him a burning bush, and developed a relationship with him, showing him His character. My encounters with God began with Him revealing to my spirit that He would use my experiences to help other women in the faith community so that they would not have to endure the abuse I endured. God also told me to start, The Soul Sanctuary, an organization in which I could use my story as a platform to help liberate other women from their abusive mates, just as Moses lead the children of Israel out of bondage. (Exodus, chapters 2-3). I am available for speaking engagements and training workshops, contact me at 404-647-7064 or maria. pinkston@thesoulsanctuary. org.
NOT MY CHILD By Alia Knight
N
o parent wants to consider the possibility of his or her child being subjected to abuse. One of the best ways to counter and mitigate it is to become educated about the red flags and risk factors of sexual maltreatment.The National Sexual Violence Resource Center says one of every four girls and one of every six boys in America will be sexually abused or assaulted before the age of 18. It takes a village to raise a child, and by being vigilant about learning and recognizing the signs of possible abuse, the village of teachers, ministry leaders, pastors, and family members can ensure early intervention for victims and protection for the vulnerable. Here are some signs that a child may be in danger or has been assaulted physically, emotionally or sexually: Ongoing physical symptoms of stress: The stress and anxiety caused by abuse and fear of abuse can manifest itself in very physical ways: headaches, stomach upset, fatigue, and sleep disturbances such as nightmares and insomnia. Depression: An unexplained loss of interest in activities they formerly enjoyed, a change in eating habits, change in body image, and/or a decline in school performance.
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Mood Swings: Outbursts of anger, short temper, sudden bouts of depression. Advanced sexual references: A child referring to sexual behavior or body parts that are not typical for their age group is a cause for concern.Watch for sexual enactments with dolls or toys and/or naming of sexual parts in young children. Fear of contact: A fear or anxiety about physical contact with someone or a resistance to or fear of being left alone with someone. Erratic behavior: This can take many forms but, especially in older children, it can often take the form of self-inflicted injury like cutting or burning. If a child you are familiar with is exhibiting these behaviors, approach them gently. Ask them non-specific questions such as “You seem like something is bothering you, would you like to tell me about it?” If they deny anything is different but you still see signs and your concern persists, consult a child psychologist who can evaluate the child and determine if abuse has likely occurred. If a child does suggest to you that they have been a victim of abuse, as hard as it may be, do not react emotionally, at the very least not in front of the child. Remain calm and composed. Assure them that they did a good thing by telling you. Do not interrogate them, only allow them to tell you whatever they are comfortable telling you on their own.Then, put the child in a safe place and go directly to the authorities. It is imperative that a report be filed as soon as possible not only so you can give a report while the details are still fresh in your mind but so the assailant can be apprehended as soon as possible. Obviously, the objective is to avoid abuse in the first place. Be mindful of inappropriate behaviors of other adults, no matter who they come from. Remember, 90% of child sexual abuses are someone the child knows well. One of the biggest red flags is frequent attempts by the adult to initiate contact with the child. If a child has no physical contact with anybody else that will be equally damaging, hence it should not be prevented completely. What should spark concern is if an adult is making an ongoing effort to initiate contact with the child. Do not permit an adult to have one-on-one contact with a child outside of a prescribed setting. An example of such an inappropriate situation would be giving the child a ride home when it is not requested. Don’t assume anything.There is no such thing as a “typical” sex offender. Do not assume someone is any more or less of a risk because of religion, ethnicity, economic status, occupation, etc.
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In a church setting, inquire with the pastor and ask about what steps the church staff has taken to prevent abuse. Check and see if staff and clergy have undergone background checks.While these do have limits, as they will only bring awareness about abusers whose crimes were reported, it is an important first step to ensuring that your church will be a safe environment for your child. Ask lots of questions. Be inquisitive, not confrontational. If a behavior seems odd to you, speak to the appropriate authority about it. Encourage an atmosphere of openness where people can feel comfortable voicing their concerns about this subject. Within church leadership, establish a “two adult” rule so a single adult is never alone with a child out of eye or earshot of other people. If a child wants private counsel from a pastor, perhaps establish a location where this counsel can be given out of earshot but not eye shot of others. In places where there will be children, create a physical environment with as few “hiding places” as possible.Abusers depend on secrecy. By encouraging an environment that is verbally and physically open and communicative, you can likely prevent or discourage the abuse from happening. MINISTRY TO THE ABUSER Then there is the most difficult part of prevention or repeated offenses - supporting and accommodating released or paroled offenders who are attempting a normal life. As Christians, we are called to forgive even the most heinous crimes. Nobody is beyond redemption in God’s eyes. However, forgiveness and acceptance are not the same thing, and often the greatest act of love is to be an accountability system for someone to keep them from sinning again and demonstrating to them that their sinful actions have consequences. If a registered sex offender wishes to attend a church, leadership must make an informed judgment call. Obtain the criminal record of the individual in question and decide if that person should even be allowed in the first place. Remember, it is not judgment or condemnation to decide this person, even if the most diligent precautions are taken, is too dangerous to be permitted into the church; it is caring for that person’s soul by keeping them away from an environment where they may be tempted to sin again. If it is determined that they can be permitted, they must willingly and diligently agree to any safeguards the church requests.These safeguards must take into consideration the safety of those who fit the description of former victims, as well as the abuser trying to walk out their deliverance. Such safeguards might include signing and enforcing a contract agreeing that they will never interact with those similar to former victims - for any reason - while at the church and that they will not be on church grounds without supervision.We must remember that God is merciful, but God is also just.
SENSUAL HEALING
What a Sexual Abuser won’t say By Shawnte L. Wells
A
sexual abuser will not walk up to you and say,“Hello, my name is _____ and I’m a sexual abuser. ” They do not walk around with pitchforks and horns or with a heinous, gothic, or deranged look. It doesn’t work like that.They typically use subtle and clever tactics. Perhaps this is why the bible instructs us to,“…be ye therefore wise as serpents and harmless as doves. ” Matthew 10:16(KJV) reminds us that it’s important to know the tactics, strategies and mindset of a snake. Snakes are typically elusive, stealthy, solitary andand clever hunters.A lot of snakes use ambush tactics to hunt.They prepare for ambush by identifying frequently used rodent trails, and then it lies quietly aside to capture its prey. Sexual abusers and mimic serpent like behavior.Although there is no way to eliminate your risk of being a sexual assault victim, there are ways to reduce your risk by familiarizing yourself with some of the warning signs.According to the American Psychological Association (APA), and characteristics of abusers include domination through deception, force, or coercion. Sexual assault perpetrators tend to be rather charming.The Bible tells us in Proverbs 31:30 “Charm and grace are deceptive…” (AMP) Another translation states “Charm can mislead…” (MSG) Isolation from the support
system soon follows their charm.They typically like to isolate and those they are abusing.They can also become excessively jealous or possessive. Other warning signs may include: • Ignoring your personal space (stand or walk to close or touch you) • Not listening to you, ignoring what you say, or talking over you, pretending not to hear you.They typically hear “No” as an invitation to “convince me” • Pushing you to drink beyond your tolerance level (alcohol is the #1 date rape drug) • Expressing anger or aggression frequently; and possible becoming hostile when someone tells them “no. ” • Trying to make you feel guilty or accusing you of being “uptight” if you resist their sexual overtures • Doing what they want regardless of what you want, e. g. - a person may do this in little ways for example, making all the decisions about what you both will do. According to the University of Illinois, abusers are adept at creating situations where they can take advantage of a person’s trust andand good will. Their initial aim is to gain your trust andand gain it quickly so they can ambush you just as a snake does its prey.
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They wait quietly along the trails of your trust. They will not call attention to themselves or say in the beginning “hey I’m here to ambush you!” They typically don’t see others as human beings, but rather mere objects that and can be owned or used according to their needs and desires.There is no need to walk around suspicious of everyone or falsely accusing anyone that remotely reminds you of these warning signs.
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Remember the parable Jesus used concerning wheat and tares. “And the servants of the owner came to him andand said, Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? Then how does it have darnel shoots in it? He replied to them, An enemy has done this.The servants said to him, then do you want us to go and weed them out? But he said, No, lest in gathering the wild wheat (weeds resembling wheat), you root up the [true] wheat along with it. Let them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will say to the reapers, gather the darnel first and bind it in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my granary. ” In essence, God is saying don’t sacrifice good people initially trying to weed out the bad. Sexual abusers are always on the prowl.They will not tell you that.The Bible tells us “Be alert and of sober mind.Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ” 1 Peter5:8 (NIV) Remember sexual abusers are not blatant, nor do they look a certain way.They are not typically strangers.They seek to win your trust, isolate, and control you. Don’t confuse their over the top flattery for true love or affection. Be mindful of adults who are not parents or caretakers yet are overly pre-occupied with children and desire excessive alone time with them.Alcohol is the most common substance used to abuse their victims. Don’t allow them “to blame it on the alcohol. ” Sexual abuse perpetrators are fully aware of their actions and tend to be master manipulators.
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Remember to respect your personal space and don’t allow others to violate it.You have a right to refuse sexual advances. God is not an accuser so don’t allow anyone to guilt you into sexual activity or relations. Observe your life and those who desire to be in it. I leave you with this charge found in 1 Thessalonians5:6 (NLT) “So be on your guard, not asleep like the others. Stay alert and be clearheaded. ” ________________________ For more information or questions about this topic, send us an email at wellsofwellness@yahoo. com.
The Path To Healing Can Be Long
LOVE NEVER FAILS
By Atiya Hodges
W
hen we hear incidents of a person being abused, our initial response is usually one of protection; we want to ensure that the victim is safe and away from the abuser, and that they get proper medical attention.We also would like to do whatever is necessary to make sure this person does not find themselves again in the same dangerous position. Many of our communities offer physical and emotional assistance for victims of abuse, which is commendable and very necessary. An often-missing piece of the puzzle is addressing the victim’s overall sense of self. All too often society takes on the role of “victim blaming” even unintentionally.The number one question I’m often asked is “Why would someone place themselves in that position?
Break The Chains and Hold On | 39
Why would they allow that to be done to them?” What we don’t realize is the desire to “know why” can be counterproductive in helping a person heal internally and externally. Self-esteem is a crucial component of the overall well-being of an individual. In essence, self-esteem has to do with how good a person feels about himself or herself. This is one of the reasons “victim blaming” can be so harmful.
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As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I have worked with people from various walks of life. One population that has a special place in my heart is victims of abuse.While completing work on my master’s degree, I was afforded the opportunity to intern at a domestic violence shelter. I saw many women, and a few men, from all walks of life, who had found themselves in painful situations. Domestic violence does not discriminate. It is for this reason that I offer my first and foremost position for any person on the path to healing the self:The victim is in no way shape or form at fault for the abuse that they have endured.
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40 | Beloved
Leaving an abusive partner is not the same as leaving behind other things that are termed “bad” for us. Most victims of abuse have partners who have created a continuum of violence. Initially, things are going well. In fact, they are better than well, and even close to perfect for a while.This is known as the “honeymoon” period.Then,“something happens” that “causes” the abuser to lash out at the victim. Often the abuser will justify their behavior by making statements like,“look at what you made me do. ” Afterward, the abuser will apologize for their behavior, insisting “it will never happen again” which often leads back into the honeymoon period until they cycle begins again. The path to healing can be a long one, and support is of utmost importance.This support can come from various places, which include family, friends, community resources, as well as online communities. Attend a support group, be it digital or in person. This will help you learn how to interact with others outside of the abusive bubble.You are not alone. “Dating yourself” is an important step on the way to recovery.Take the time to get to know yourself before getting involved in another relationship. One of the most recognizable themes across abusive relationship patterns is the need to control the other partner.The abuser requires that things go their way all of the time, and when they do not, the cycle begins again. It is possible
to become so accustomed to doing things “their” way, you have forgotten what “your” was even like. Set aside time for you to do your favorite things. Get back into old hobbies. When breaking away from an abusive relationship, a grieving period is necessary as well.The loss of time and companionship is very real, even though it is inside the confines of a toxic relationship. If you are comfortable sharing your story, it can be a helpful recovery tool for yourself and others who may be in the same predicament. As a practicing clinician combating domestic violence, one of the most difficult pieces to recovery is convincing people that abuse isn’t normal.Today’s stereotypical mindsets include ideas that “women should do as their told” and “men will be men. ” One of the most damaging things we tell children is that “if so-and-so picks on you that means that they like you. ” This philosophy positions pliable minds to accept agitation and punches as signs of affection. Marriage is especially sacred and is a union often supported by churches and encouraged by people of faith in general. However, it is important to note that if a pastor or congregation encourages you to remain in a relationship that is causing you harm -physical, emotional, sexual- it is imperative to seek counsel from a different source. Striving to the best of your ability to work
through difficult union does not mean subjecting yourself to harm in order to do so. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, please know that you are not alone.There is help available for you.There people trained in dealing with domestic violence and its effects. Here are two major tips that will assist you when you are ready to leave: Research - Use a computer to locate shelters nearest you.This is best done safely at a public library. Pack - Store mini toiletries (toothbrush, toothpaste, soap) inside a small bag along with copies of important documents including social security card and birth certificate. REMEMBER - You are loved and support is just a decision away!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Atiya Hodges, MSW, is a social worker specializing in mental health therapy for both individuals and groups.With a soft spot for pregnant women and infant children, Hodges is also a licensed mid-wife.
Break The Chains and Hold On | 41
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