Issue 3 June/July 2011 by Pecan Tree Publishing

Volume 3 / June-July 2011

Also Inside:

Features:

Blended Families, Our Perspective

9 Big

Lies

about Marriage

Cheat’n in the Next Room

Tips for Christian Parents of Gay Children

BELOVED | 1

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Beloved Magazine takes readers through an enchanting and enlightening walk through love, romance, relationships, passion, sexuality and sensuality all from the Christ perspective. Geared towards mature audiences, married and single, this publication is about learning to love self and others through a whole and holistic intimate and embracing relationship with God - first.

Contributors

Publisher E. Claudette Freeman Editor-in-Chief Tymira Mack

Brian and Ashley Bratton

Minister Robert and Dr. Anita Tyler

Valerie Coleman

Gwenda Kenon

Brenda L. Jackson

Minister Trey Morgan

Suprina Frazier

Tymira Mack

Dr. Ronn Elmore

Dr. LaVonne Shaw

Wayne Dean

Allen Holmes

Steve Arterburn

Associate Editor Carladean Ferguson Creative Director E. Chantaye Watson Graphic Design Jenette Sityar Media/Publicity Cie Thomas Customer Service/Administrative Assistant Mary Brown Pecan Tree Publishing is a Emily C. Freeman Holdings, LLC company. ISSN 2159-3736 Online and ISSN 2159-3728. For advertising, marketing or submission information, please feel free to contact our offices at: info@pecantreepress.com, 877-207-2442, fax: 877-842-3263; our visit the website at: www.pecantreemags.com.

Kervin Jean Baptiste

Contents 6

The Two Shall Become One, Brian and Ashley Bratton

12 Blended Families, Our Perspective, Minister Robert & Dr. Anita Tyler 16 Don’t Just Survive – Thrive! Eight Tips for Step Families, Valerie J. Lewis Coleman 20 Wells of Wellness: The Fruit of the Vine, Guest Columnist Gwenda Kenon 22

Love Don’t Eat Here Anymore, Brenda L. Jackson

9 Big Lies about Marriage, Minister Trey Morgan

A Family Affair (Short Story), Suprina Frazier

34 10 Tips for Christian Parents of Gay Children, Steve Arterburn 35

The Dreaded In-Laws, help! Pastor Allen Holmes

Cheatin’ in the Next Room (Book Excerpt), Tymira Mack

In Harmony, Dr. Ronn Elmore

No Romance without Finance, Wayne Dean

50 Erogenous Zone: Erogenous Coach Says, Dr. LaVonne Rawles Shaw 54 An Empty Quiver When You & Me Doesn’t Produce Them, Tymira Mack 59 What I’ve Learned – Single Dad, Oxymoron No More! Kervin Jean Baptiste 62

Love Never Fails: In the Fear of God, Tymira Mack

Brian and Ashley Bratton

6 | BELOVED

n an issue dedicated to the wonderful journey BRIAN: The first thing that I noticed was she had of courtship through the covenant commit- a big smile on her face, and it wasn’t because she ment of marriage, and all of its wonder-filled in- was meeting me, but she was surrounded by kids tricacies, Beloved thought it most appropriate to hanging off of her and she was having a good time. begin with a modern day love story. She was nice and the fact that she was involved Brian, a handsome and accomplished wide re- that day told me a lot about what type of person ceiver for the Canadian Football League’s Mon- she was, but I never thought anything would come treal Alouettes. of it. Ashley, a beautiful and dedicated Children’s Ministry and Special Events DID EITHER ONE OF YOU worker with Greenville HAVE AN INITIAL HESSouth Carolina’s RedempITANCY ABOUT DATtion World Outreach ING GIVEN THAT Center. YOU ARE FROM DIFI never was really hesitant Brian, black. FERENT RACIAL about our different racial Ashley, white. BACKGROUNDS? backgrounds. I am a firm believer Married January that people are more alike than they are 15 of this year, from ASHLEY: I had different regardless of race or the outside looking made up my mind socio-economic backgrounds. My in, Mr. and Mrs. Brian a few years prior to concern was more of would we Bratton couldn’t appear meeting Brian what mesh well when it came to more different…until you type of man I wanted to personality, character survey their hearts. marry. It had nothing to do traits and life While vacationing at Myrtle with the outside, but everything rhythms. Beach over their Memorial Day to do with the inside. My list went holiday weekend, newlyweds Brian something like this: 1) passionately in and Ashley made time to allow Beloved love with and pursuing Jesus; 2) adores this very candid interview: me; 3) family man; 4) hard worker. I felt like if he was pursuing Christ, whoever he HOW DID THE TWO OF YOU MEET AND WHAT was, that most of the other things would fall INITIALLY ATTRACTED YOU TO EACH OTHER? in place. So no, I was not hesitant at all. BRIAN: We met years ago at a 4th of July Special Event Celebration put on for our City – City of BRIAN: I never was really hesitant about our Greenville, SC – by our church. Ashley was doing different racial backgrounds. I am a firm believer an internship with Redemption World Outreach that people are more alike than they are different Center and I was still in college at Furman Uni- regardless of race or socio-economic backgrounds. versity. My concern was more of would we mesh well when it came to personality, character traits and life ASHLEY: I wasn’t really attracted to Brian ini- rhythms. tially. We lived in two different worlds. I was in inner city communities every weekend driving a SINCE YOUR PRIMARY RESIDENCE IS IN SOUTH ministry outreach bus; he was packing out stadi- CAROLINA, HAVE THE TWO OF YOU ENCOUNums. Brian and I had a lot of mutual friends. So TERED ANY PROBLEMS DUE TO YOUR INTEReventually after spending time together and get- RACIAL RELATIONSHIP? IF YES, HOW DID THE ting to know each other he began to grow on me. SITUATION(S) MAKE YOU FEEL AND HOW DID We had a lot in common. We’re both outgoing and YOU HANDLE IT AS A COUPLE? full of life. We shared a lot of the same beliefs and values. The more I saw his heart, the more I al- BRIAN & ASHLEY: We have not. Fortunately we lowed him in my world. go to a multiracial church. Also we’ve chosen to BELOVED | 7

surround ourselves with friends, family, and people who love and support us. If there have been issues, we haven’t encountered or noticed them. WHAT WAS YOUR COURTSHIP LIKE; HOW LONG DID YOU DATE BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED; AND, WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT EACH OTHER WAS “THE ONE”?

ther were always together and in the picture is a rarity in this generation. I was fortunate to learn what a happy home was, and see two Christian parents set an example for me. Hard work. Everyone looking out for each other and doing what is in the best interest of the family. These are all key attributes from my family that I would like to carry on.

ASHLEY: My family really set BRIAN: We dated for an example for how I wanted We get to see each other in 2 years before we got my marriage to be. As a their own element taking a married. Our courtship little girl I grew up wantback seat from our own world and was a little different ing the kind of marriage appreciating what the other is doing. from the usual relationmy parents had. My parents It’s really kind of neat and refreshing to take turns being ship. It was mostly long loved each other and have alout in front and then distance, so we had to reways valued their marriage and turning around to ally learn each other and what it means. My family loved support the communicate from afar. I think each other with unconditional love, other. that’s when I knew she was the one. and what I witnessed when I was young The way she stuck by me and supported helped shape my beliefs. me while I was away. It was refreshing. BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED, WHAT TYPE ASHLEY: Once I recommitted my life to Christ OF DISCUSSIONS DID THE TWO OF YOU HAVE in 2003, I made a decision that I didn’t want ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD MESH YOUR INto date someone just to date. So, when I saw the DIVIDUAL BELIEFS ABOUT FINANCES, EMqualities that I wanted in a husband and felt I was PLOYMENT OUTSIDE OF THE HOME, CHILDready, I let the walls down and focused on doing BEARING AND CHILDREARING, ETC. AFTER the best I could. YOU START YOUR NEW LIFE TOGETHER? WHAT ROLE HAVE YOUR INDIVIDUAL FAMILY BACKGROUNDS AND UPBRINGINGS PLAYED IN YOUR BELIEF ABOUT MARRIAGE? BRIAN: We both were brought up in Christian households, and I believe that is very key for us. I know the fact that my mother and fa-

8 | BELOVED

BRIAN: We have had numerous discussions about numerous different subjects. Pre marital counseling really made us think and converse about things. From finances and how many bank accounts to have, to when to have kids. If and when kids come, how many do we want to have? How will they be educated, publicly or privately? We also talked about Careers, and different as-

pects of each of them that could affect our future as a family. We know that there is more than one way of doing everything. We have agreed to put our individual beliefs and what we are used to aside and do what is best for our family to grow and succeed. WHAT WERE THE BIGGEST ADJUSTMENTS THAT THE TWO OF YOU HAD TO MAKE AFTER YOU WERE MARRIED AND BEGAN LIVING TOGETHER Faith is a 5 MONTHS AGO?

BRIAN: I feel we have found a pretty good balance. It’s almost forced. We are really intentional about keeping each other abreast about life and what’s going on. We talk about everything. We get to see each other in their own element taking a back seat from our own world and appreciating what the other is doing. It’s really kind of neat and refreshing to take turns being out in front and then turning around to support the other.

key component to our lives. Period. Its part ASHLEY: We choose to of our foundation that we’ve BRIAN: The biggest adenjoy life and our marbuilt individually and it will be justment for me personally riage regardless of what carried on as part of the is just living with someone. demands or challenges we foundation that we I have lived by myself for so may face. We try to underare building long and had only me to worry stand each other and take evas a about. Another person brings on erything that comes along with family. another dynamic. It’s a wonderful our jobs into consideration. thing; it just takes time to get used to. ASHLEY: My biggest adjustment was just having someone else in the picture. Learning how to live life in the role of a wife and letting my husband lead our home. I’ve realized that I don’t have to live life by myself anymore, now I have a teammate. GIVEN ALL THE DEMANDS AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL CAREER AND ASHLEY’S MINISTRY ASSIGNMENTS, HOW HAVE THE TWO OF YOU MAINTAINED BALANCE IN YOUR COURTSHIP AND NOW MARRIAGE?

HOW DO THE TWO OF YOU DEAL WITH THE PHYSICAL DISTANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP DURING THE FOOTBALL SEASON? ASHLEY: We embrace the challenge. It’s a season of life that doesn’t last long so we tough it out. We communicate as much as we can to make up for the physical distance. We use technology so we can at least see each other’s face in hopes of making it a little easier.

BELOVED | 9

BRIAN: We both are pretty busy people, so time flies. We talk a lot. And we are always texting and sending emails. But being busy really does help. We are focused on doing well in our careers so it helps keep us preoccupied. HOW DO THE TWO OF YOU DEAL WITH THE OUTSIDE PRESSURES, DEMANDS AND THREATS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP POSED BY COACHES/ PROFESSIONAL SPORTS, UNMARRIED OR UNRULY TEAMMATES, CRAZED FANS, INVASIVE MEDIA AND EVEN THE RELENTLESSNESS OF INAPPROPRIATE GROUPIES? BRIAN: Some of the stuff you can control, some of it you can’t. I can’t control my schedule and the football aspect of it, but I can control what I project and what I’m about. I let the media see what I want them to see. I try my best to guard my family from negative media attention. Some situations are inevitable; they are going to happen. But you have to have a plan in store that will help you deal with the situations as they arise. You have to block out the things that aren’t of substance that you don’t want to be associated with. This quote helps me sum it up perfectly, “In order to conduct an orchestra you have to turn your back on the crowd.” You have to focus on the main thing. ASHLEY: We try to live by the principle of put God first and family second. We try to do what we do for the glory of God. In order to do that we have to block out all the “noise” around us. There is always craziness around you, so we have to stand 10 | BELOVED

for what we believe in. We’ve been blessed also not to have to deal with a lot of that stuff. Brian doesn’t really attract those types of people. And he strives to represent everything he stands for well. DO THE TWO OF YOU PLAN TO START A FAMILY? WHAT ADJUSTMENTS TO YOUR DAILY RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE IN ORDER TO ADD CHILDREN TO THE EQUATION? ASHLEY: We do want to start a family; one day that is. Being newlyweds we are enjoying this time getting to know each other and we are taking advantage of it. We know that marriage is challenging in itself. Kids don’t make life any easier, but more challenging. Our goal is to establish a pretty solid foundation and love for each other before we throw kids into the mix. Once you have kids of course, everything changes. BRIAN: We would definitely have to be more detailed in scheduling. There is an increase in responsibility and a decrease in freedom. We would have to make sure that we keep an allotted time for ourselves. Date night becomes a lot more important. We have to make sure that our relationship stays strong even with the new responsibility. THE TWO OF YOU WORSHIP AT REDEMPTION WORLD OUTREACH CANTER UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF APOSTLE’S RON AND HOPE CARPENTER; WHAT ROLE DOES FAITH AND MINISTRY PLAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

BRIAN: Faith is a key component to our lives. Period. Its part of our foundation that we’ve built individually and it will be carried on as part of the foundation that we are building as a family. We look at ministry as a way of living. Whether it’s at our home, at work, through sports, relationships in business ventures. It’s just become part of us.

BRIAN: Marriage is like a bank account. You can deposit and withdraw. But you’ll get in trouble when you make more withdrawals than you do deposits. You consistently have to work at marriage and give more than you take. It’s never good to empty out the account, or in marriage drain your spouse.

ASHLEY: We know that we are here to serve. We believe that serving is the key and we really want to give of our “lives” to be used as a witness for Christ in every aspect of life.

ASHLEY: We all have issues individually. We have to communicate these things so that we can have grace in those areas for each other during their healing process. I realize how important it is to focus on each other’s good qualities, instead of harping on the things that aggravate you. I realized that Brian and I get to decide what kind of life we have together. We have to put in work to grow together. We can be a powerful team together or we can inhibit each other from really blossoming individually and collectively.

AFTER ONLY ONE MONTH OF MARRIAGE THE TWO OF YOU CHOSE TO ATTEND THE 2011 AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE MARRIAGE RETREAT PRESENTED BY APOSTLE CARPENTER, WHILE STILL IN YOUR “HONEYMOON PHASE.” WHY DID YOU FEEL IT IMPORTANT TO ATTEND THE MARRIAGE RETREAT? BRIAN & ASHLEY: We felt like getting as much information as possible on the front end of our marriage would help prevent us from having as many issues on the back end. We look at it as fireproofing our marriage. We want to hopefully minimize the tough times, but when they arise, we’ll have knowledge and wisdom on how to deal with them. WHAT ARE A COUPLE OF KEY NUGGETS OF WISDOM THAT YOU GAINED FROM THE RETREAT THAT YOU PLAN TO INCORPORATE IN YOUR MARRIAGE JOURNEY?

WHAT ARE THE GREATEST THINGS THAT THE TWO OF YOU LOOK FORWARD TO AS YOU BEGIN YOUR LIVES TOGETHER? BRIAN & ASHLEY: We enjoy sharing life together. We look forward to sharing experiences, accomplishments, milestones, as well as failures. We are looking forward to sharing anything and everything together that has to do with life. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen 2:24 NKJV) BELOVED | 11

Minister Robert and Dr. Anita Tyler

here is a not so new phenomenon engulfing the contemporary family. Although it is prevalent in the Black Family, it is a phenomenon that crosses racial, cultural and economic boundaries. This phenomenon in and of itself is neither good nor bad, but simply a matter of composition. More recently referred to as “The Blended Family,” this phenomenon consists of a husband and or wife who marry and bring children into the new union. Often, but not always, the couple will also produce children together, completing the picture of the blended family. In many communities and cultures, blended families are more the “norm” than not. Many of the Black families we knew had different “baby’s momma” or different “baby’s daddy” in them. According to Focus on the Family, “statistics show that approximately 1,300 new step families are formed every day in the US,” and it was estimated that by 2010 there would be more step families in the US than traditional families. Blended families are believed to represent as much as 70% of families in the Black community. So why is this even significant? As we seek and consider ways to develop healthier and stronger families we have to consider the impact and the dynamics of the blended family. The perspective being presented is the personal perspective of a Christian middle class African American family with seven years experience (good and bad of course) in the dynamics of a blended family. 12 | BELOVED

His Background:

Her Background: A Black professional, divorcee with no children, active in the church and a Physician in private practice

The couple has one shared child after 2 years of marriage

HER PERSPECTIVE: After seven years, I would say hindsight is 20/20. Having been married before, I was cautious entering into a marriage relationship again. I wanted to be sure that this time I had the man that God had chosen for me. As I prayed for God to reveal to me His will regarding the man I was dating, my soon to be husband became nicer by the moment. So, by the time this very nice man asked me to marry him, I was sure that he had found a good thing and favor with the Lord. We were in love and ready to partner as we moved forward in holy matrimony. I knew that my husband had children and I also knew we agreed to try to have a child of our own once we got married. I know now that I underestimated the “blending” of our family. Being a stepparent is a difficult undertaking but not an impossible one. In the beginning, I was convinced that my husband’s kids did not like me. They were not overly rude. Rather, it was more what they didn’t do than what they did do. I tried to discuss my feelings with my husband who tried to understand, but these were his kids. I made sure that I expressed to the child that lived with us that I was not there to replace his mom but would be available to help and listen to him.

A black professional, widower with three children (two grown and out of the house), an ordained minister and business owner (General Contractor)

What I soon learned was that I needed to make sure I prayed about everything regarding my family and then when I got finished praying I needed to pray some more. Eventually with the Lord’s help, I began to see that it was important to submit and be obedient to the Holy Spirit. This actually meant that it was okay to be giving to the kids and help them in the ways I felt led to, no matter how they responded. I also learned how important it was to be on one accord with my husband regarding any issues with the kids; and, it had to be all right with me to be the help meet (the one suitable to assist my husband). Discipline had to come from the biological parent to avoid unnecessary confrontation and rebellion. It was also extremely important to make our marriage and each other a priority…date nights were essential to maintaining our intimacy and cohesiveness as a couple. I believe the Lord helped us to see that our marriage had to be strong. Keeping the Lord as the center of our marriage and family was essential to our success as a family. One of the most important things I learned was to be patient with the process. It took time to bond. To expect that my spouse’s kids would love me just because he did was actually pretty silly. But fast forward seven years and we have grown as a family. Now, with the Lord’s help and guidBELOVED | 13

ance along with the tests and trials of “blending” we are on our way to victory. I believe we all love one another and the best is still yet to come. HIS PERSPECTIVE: The thought of preparing for blending a family did occur to me but I admit that I underestimated the impact that it would have on my family in particular. Only one of my three children would be living with my new bride and me, although all would have frequent and close interaction. It didn’t seem to be an insurmountable undertaking. We love each other and we love the Lord. I thought that should be enough. COMMUNICATION: One of the things that stands out to me from our experiences is battling that feeling of “alienation” that grips different members of the blended family. There are times that my wife experiences a feeling of being left out or excluded or simply not included; and there are times that my children (each in a different way) experience some alienation or displacement in the “new scenario”; so I have (painfully) learned the importance of communication and making an extra effort to keep my loved ones “in the loop”. INTERACTION: I’ve learned that the way for me to ensure positive interaction as a family unit is to maintain frequent and positive individual interaction. We get together frequently as a family – holidays, Sundays and different events – and we want those times to be special and not difficult, tense or testy. One way to accomplish this

is by spending quality time (individually) with each one, so that the shared time is not consumed by desires (and let downs) for individual attention. I now believe that promoting more individual time with each of my children and their “step mom” is important as well. UNITY: When the family becomes fragmented, different “sides” and factions emerge and one of the worst things that can happen is for the parents (husband and wife) to become divided. It is therefore critically important that my wife and I take the time to discuss whatever issues exist so that we emerge from that discussion unified and on one accord. Then whatever position is taken is a unified position of what is best for the family. COUNSEL: I (like many of us) was one who was unsure and unfamiliar with the benefits of professional counseling. Like most things, you will get out of it what you put into it. I recommend doing some research; finding a good Christian Counselor; and, getting individual and family counseling time. WORSHIP: We’ve heard all too often that “a family that prays together stays together”. My first hand experience is that for our family to pray and study and worship together is monumentally important to our health, development and experiences as a family. I try to make it painfully obvious to my entire family how much I depend on God and His word for my guidance and direction, and for that of my family.

What we can logically conclude from our experience is that the blending of families has to be considered in its own light. As in all things, to approach it carnally will definitely lead to defeat and destruction. To approach it with Christ as the center and circumference will guarantee victory, although probably not without challenges and controversy. What makes us different is how we respond to those challenges and controversies. The way to minimize them is through preparation. Couples should talk about potential issues ahead of time and in the midst of challenges, with everyone involved. Use God’s word to guide you; use professionals and other couples to advise you. Pray continually; individually and as a family. Worship consistently; individually and as a family. And, expect the victory.

14 | BELOVED

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Don’t Just Survive —

Thrive! eight tips for stepfamilies Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

ith divorce, single-parent households and family crises on the rise, many people are experiencing the tumultuous dynamics of blended or stepfamilies. National statistics indicate that the divorce rate for first marriages is fifty percent. That rate increases to more than sixty percent for second marriages due in part to the unique issues associated with raising non-biological children. To ensure successful blending of your family, consider the following tips:

16 | BELOVED

All the parents should come to a common understanding to promote healthy development of the children. This meeting of the minds is best served prior to marriage. Choose a neutral setting to collectively establish expectations about visitation, discipline, house rules, family gatherings, etc. Put the expectations in writing and have each parent sign them. This document, the parental agreement, will help to minimize opportunities to disrupt your family. Once the agreement is established, hold a gathering with the parents and children. Explain the expectations, the rewards for adherence and the penalties for noncompliance. If the parents use this forum to affirm each other, the children will see the parents as a united front and not pawns to be manipulated. For reinforcement, post the expectations on the refrigerator and refer to them often. Leave nothing to chance. The parents should plan to reconvene at least annually to assess the effectiveness of the plan and make adjustments when necessary. If your situation is not conducive to a meeting of all the parents, make sure that you and your mate create an agreement. Otherwise, outsiders may attempt to dictate the way you manage your home and if you give them power, you relinquish your own. How can two walk together except they agree? Amos 3:3

Since all is fair in love and war — and if you don’t plan ahead, you’ll have more war than love — treat each child the same, whether biological or step. Showing favoritism or “bending the rules” for one child or sibling group can create an abyss of jealousy and struggle. Preferential treatment causes an imbalance that leads to frustration and insecurity for both the slighted

children and parents. God has no respect of person and neither should we.

Hold regular family meetings to provide each member an opportunity to openly share concerns without fear of rejection or retaliation. Establish meeting norms like roundtable discussions, note taking and one person speaks at a time to ensure effective communication. To minimize interruptions, use a stuffed animal as the cue to speak. The person who has possession of the toy has the floor.

Schedule non-competitive activities. As the family attempts to bond into a cohesive unit, each member tries to establish his or her position. This jockeying can create competitive tension that hinders growth. Plan family outings — a walk in the park, a trip to the zoo or movie night at home — that neutralize the tension. Allow each child to choose from a couple of options and require everyone to participate. These activities will create family traditions that will be honored for years. In addition to group activities, spend quality time with each child on an individual basis. For example, commit Saturday mornings to one-on-one breakfast dates where the child selects the restaurant. The interaction can help foster communication and break down the barriers that may stifle the relationship.

Whether chaos is prevalent or peace has settled on your family, solicit the services of a professional counselor. This process allows each member to express his or her feelings to an unbiased person. Some children harbor resentment toward the new parent or blame themselves for the separation of their biological parents. Understanding their motives will help you see the family dynamic from another perspective and the illumination can cultivate cooperation.

Spend quality time with each child on an individual basis. For example, commit Saturday mornings to one-on-one breakfast dates where the child selects the restaurant. The interaction can help foster communication and break down the barriers that may stifle the relationship. BELOVED | 17

Plan couple time away from the children. Nurturing the relationship that created the blended dynamic is essential. Schedule visitations so that all of the children are gone at the same time. Using this quiet time to refresh the marriage helps to ensure a peaceful, loving atmosphere for the family. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Pray. Pray for all of the children. Pray for the extended family. Pray for the other parents. Pray for your mate. Pray for yourself. This experience is a proving of your faith in God. If you truly love the Lord with all of your heart, mind, body and soul, then you’ll be able to look past your own hurt and see that others are hurting too. Your example can mean the difference in winning a soul to the Lord.

The blending process may not be easy, but if you plan ahead, communicate daily with your mate and develop a consistent prayer life, your family will not just survive, but thrive. There’s a blessing in the blending! The bestselling author of Blended Families An Anthology (ISBN-13: 978-09786066-0-2), Valerie J. Lewis Coleman has helped thousands of families navigate the challenges of child support, visitation, discipline and more. With over twenty years of experience in family and relationships, this expert has given advice on varying issues including baby-momma drama, defiant children and disapproving in-laws. On her journey to assist others with building strong families, she shares her personal testimony and practical tools to help you stop the stepfamily madness in your home! To learn more about Valerie, her books and overcoming relational matters, visit www.ValerieJLColeman.com. 18 | BELOVED

*Discount does not apply to gift cards or certificates, same-day delivery, shipping and handling, taxes, third-party hosted products (e.g. wine), or Bose® products. Discount will appear upon checkout and cannot be combined with other offers or discounts. Offer expires 12/13/2011.

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BELOVED | 19

WELLS OF WELLNESS

Vine

The Fruit of the

Gwenda Kenon

Q: Is drinking wine sinful?

A: Absolutely NOT! According to the American Heritage Dictionary sin is described as: Deliberate disobedience to the known will of God; a condition of estrangement from God resulting from such disobedience; or something regarded as being shameful, deplorable, or utterly wrong. With that definition in mind, drinking wine would not fall into any of these categories. Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine, and the most exquisite kind of wine for a wedding. That wine was then served not only to those at the wedding but to the disciples. What becomes sinful is the excessive use of anything – like wine. Q: What are some of the health benefits of drinking wine? A: Documented science reports indicate that wine can be of some benefit to the heart and lungs. Reportedly, the benefit is found in an antioxidant in wine known as Resveratrol. Other medical research indicates wine may help in anti-aging; while other research shows positive preventative effects against cancer and strokes. In fact, some studies support doctors suggesting two 4-ounce glasses of red wine per day as a method of reducing heart attack risk. This wine prescription may also lower cholesterol.

20 | BELOVED

Q: Are there certain wines that promote or stimulate arousal more than others? A: Not really, though one might think Champagnes and Sparkling wines do so since they deliver alcohol to the brain more quickly and effectively because of their bubbles. Fine bubbles (the finer the bubbles, the better the champagne) are a much better means of transferring alcohol into the bloodstream than a still alcohol. Q: As the author of a cookbook that features food and wines, what would you suggest for an ideal couples-only evening? Or an intimate in-home picnic for hubby and wife? A: My idea of a romantic couples evening or picnic would include one of my favorite wines - Pine Ridge Chenin Blanc-Viognier. This sophisticated wine comes with a screw top which makes it both easy and perfect for picnics. Whenever I have suggested this wine, I always advise the person, if you serve this wine, you will have a very cooperative and creative evening. To complete this romantic meal, I suggest seafood. Not only does this particular wine pair well with grilled shrimp, smoked or raw oysters and even calamari, but these aphrodisiacs (foods of love) will only add to the romance you are creating.

Cheers!

Gwenda Kenon, author of the soon-to-be-released cookbook WINES AND COLLARD GREENS, is a wine consultant and Executive Director at Women Of Colour Wine Tasters, Inc. and Owner, Women Of Colour Wine Tasters, Inc. She travels frequently hosting wine tastings and touring vineyards and some of the nation’s best restaurants. Share her travels by visiting her blog: http://wineandfoodtravels.blogspot.com/

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LOVE

don’t eat here anymore Brenda L. Jackson

hat talk show has never presented the topic of couples who seem to have lost the romantic component of their relationship since the birth of their children? How many times have we heard “too tired because of work; too tired from being with the children all day; just plain too tired?” Attempting the “simple” task of a romantic dinner at home can seem insurmountable when trying to figure out how to prepare a meal that provides a two-fold result: (1) getting the children fed and asleep; and (2) sharing a quiet meal and moment for you and your spouse. As with anything worth having in life we have to make a pre-mediated, albeit calculated decision to retrieve whatever factor of pleasure we seem to have lost from our lives. First, you and your beloved make a plan. This plan must contain a date, time and menu. The menu, of course, must provide both you and the children with something pleasing to the taste without requiring the preparation of two distinctly separate meals. Creativity is important to your mission of experiencing “lawd ham-mercy” moments in the latter part of the evening. There are certain foods that are said to inspire romance. Gayot (guy-OH). com lists their Top 10 Romantic Foods – Food That Puts Us in the Mood as follows: Asparagus, Almonds, Avocado, Bananas, Basil, Chocolate, Eggs, Figs, Foie gras (goose liver), and Oysters (raw of course). In keeping your plan feasible, 22 | BELOVED

do not, attempt to purchase any of these items if: (1) you do not like them; (2) they are not readily available in your refrigerator; and (3) it is not something you can incorporate into a meal that feeds all in the home for the evening. The fact that the two of you are devising a plan leads me to believe you are INSPIRED already. The family structure lends to how to work the evening. For those with teenagers or older children, they will typically have other plans for the evening; anything that involves not being with their parents. If you have younger children, you can choose to feed them early, but I suggest that the whole family eat together. In this manner, you will have spent quality time with your children as parents, all the while knowing that the lover in you will soon be exercised to its fullest. The anticipation evokes the foreplay portion of the night. Remember, don’t overtax yourself. You can obtain simplicity, elegance and romance in this meal. Menu is simple. Spaghetti with Turkey Meatballs; garlic and basil bread; spring mix salad. This meal is easy to prepare; provides an eye-appealing table of food colors; and, the use of turkey provides a little head start for the kids getting sleepy. Dessert is reserved for the sweethearts. Here again, something simple, but sexy. Pick up a fruit bowl at the market. Pour your favorite sparkling wine – champagne, spumante – over the fruit to marry the flavor of the fruit with the wine. (I make a mean mojito for mine.) I suggest preparing this first, so when you are ready to serve, all the goodness of the fermented grape will have reached its potential. Before you serve, garnish with a sprig of fresh mint. Tip of the Night. Take the fruit bowl to your final destination of

playtime. Ladies be a little aggressive to initiate the moment, creating a sultry effect like only we can do. Hand-feed your man some of the fruit and position yourself to receive the same. Finger-fed foods are the best. Remember the love for one another is always there. Sometimes we overlook that the passion portion of the relationship may require a little nudge or bump in the right spot. For this occasion, we devised a plan and worked the plan; however spontaneity can lend itself to be quite a provocateur when going with what an open opportunity can bring. When it strikes your fancy to be frisky, check out the fridge, see what’s inside and use it on your partner however you like. You will be quite pleased as to what a few frozen grapes or orange slices with a little honey can do. Ladies if your man likes donuts, make yourself the cinnamon donut for his pleasure. A little cinnamon and sugar blended and placed in paradise can lead to a very accomplished evening. Then love will eat there at least one more time . . .

Bon Appétit! Brenda Jackson is the Author of Culinary Roots: Food from the Soul of a People; and a private cooking instructor for workshops and individuals. When not enjoying her favorite pastime – cooking – she is an Elder at New Birth Baptist Church where she actively serves in the Family Life and Stewardship ministries. She is additionally the Publisher of Culinary Roots Food & Family Magazine. BELOVED | 23

Love Bytes

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NIV)

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9 Big Lies

about Marriage Minister Trey Morgan

his past March, Texas Minister Trey Morgan served during the TULSA WORKSHOP, a 35 year old, 3-day, annual event that serves as an annual gathering place for Christians, missionaries and evangelistic individuals dedicated to hearing and sharing “the good news in a broken world.” In his blog Morgan confides that during the workshop he taught three classes on marriage and family to a full house, “I talked to a packed house, not because I was teaching … but because marriages and families are struggling, and we’re seeing the value in strengthening them.” In his class on healthy families, Minister Morgan reminded participants “the best thing you can do for your family is have a healthy marriage.” He further cautioned workshop participants, “When building a healthy marriage, don’t buy into these BIG LIES about marriage (a partial reprint) …”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Never! It’s okay when a job separates you occasionally, but taking a job that keeps you away for weeks at a time is asking for trouble. I had a man tell me once that his new job, that would take him away 4 months out of the year, would be worth it because it would gain him over $12,000 a year. I asked him if that was worth losing his family. He said it would never happen … but it did. I’m not saying a marriage can’t survive a job that separates a husband and a wife, but I sure don’t recommend it.

Your spouse shouldn’t be your best friend. Actually the opposite is true … your spouse SHOULD be your best friend. 26 | BELOVED

My spouse will know my needs without me having to say anything. Let me just say, “ARE YOU NUTS!” No way. Just because you are married doesn’t mean your spouse can read your mind. You have to tell your spouse what your needs are in order to have them met. Wives, listen close, you can’t connect the dots CLOSE enough for your husband to figure it out and catch on to what you’re thinking … so

Ignoring issues or problems will make them go away. Catch this … ignoring things your spouse says are problems will ONLY make them worse in time. Sweeping things under-the-rug only makes for worse problems later. When you’re having issues in your marriage, FIX THEM!

just tell him. Dropping hints or just expecting your husband to know what you’re thinking will only lead to MORE frustration.

Romance and affection will always fade in time. That’s not always true. Some of the most romantic couples I’ve seen have been married for 20+ years. At the same time, I can’t help but smile when young couples who are wanting to get married tell me, “Trey, we’ll be alright. When things get bad, we’ll live off the love we have for each other.” It’s at this time I’m usually looking for a trash can so I can throw up. Romantic love WILL fade in time, if you don’t put in the effort to keep it strong.

You will automatically grow in your marriage without working at it. Believe it or not, marriages that last are built on good old-fashion work. Good marriages and even great marriages don’t just happen, they take work. What kind of work? Read a book together, attend a weekend marriage seminar, take a weekend to get away without the kids, be willing to make changes in your own life or simply start by asking your spouse “How are we doing?”

Marriage is about getting your needs met. Nope, marriage is about giving and meeting your spouse’s needs. When you’re focused on meeting your spouse’s needs, they will in turn meet your needs.

There are some things you shouldn’t share with your spouse. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times more … keeping things or hiding things from your spouse is a sign of problems in a marriage. A healthy marriage is one that is built on total openness and honesty. When it comes to secrets in marriage, there should be none. You should NEVER hide passwords, emails, text messages, Facebook content or anything else from one another.

You should put your children first. Raising your children should be of the utmost importance, but not so important that you put your relationship with your husband/ wife on the back burner. If you invest all your energies into your children and none into your marriage, your marriage will struggle to survive when the kids are grown. What happens is, once the kids are grown, you’ll look across the table at your marriage partner and realize you really don’t have anything in common anymore. Having a successful marriage does not come by simply finding the right mate, but more by being the right mate.

Trey Morgan is a Christian husband and father, who moonlights as the minister for the Church of Christ in Childress, Texas. He and his wife Lea have been married for 21 years and together they are doing their best to raise their 4 boys. Visit www.treymorgan.net to glean more insights from Trey as he rediscovers the important things in life…faith, family and freedom in Christ. BELOVED | 27

r i a f f A y l i Fam razier

aF Suprin

orn to an African-American mother, Kendra’s sandy hair and fair skin suggested that the black man listed on her birth certificate may not be her real father. If so, then who was? “Mama, what do you mean my uncle is really my father?!” Kendra Flannigan shrieked in the hospital waiting room. Her hazel eyes were wide with shock. 28 | BELOVED

Her loud voice could be heard echoing in the quiet corridors nearby. Her fair cheeks were bright red with emotion. “Keep your voice down,” Reeka Flannigan hissed through clenched teeth, showing that feisty side of her that most people only saw in the courtroom. The esteemed New York lawyer looked anxiously at the door, hoping that all of their other relatives were long gone by now. The hospital had been overwhelmed by Flannigan fam-

ily and friends all week. They’d come to say tearful goodbyes to Kenneth ‘Kenny’ Flannigan, who was not expected to make it into next week after a bad skiing accident last Sunday. Not only did the adventuresome real estate mogul break too many bones to count, he had yet to wake up from a coma and was currently breathing with the help of a machine. “Did you sleep with your own brother, Mama?” Kendra asked in a lower tone. She looked horrified by her own question. She was.

“Stepbrother,” Reeka amended, moving to close the waiting room door, which was something that she should have done before she began to pull skeletons out of her closet. “And we didn’t know we were about to be kin at the time you were conceived.” Kendra touched her right hand to her forehead, as if checking for a fever. “I think I need to sit down for this.”

“You are sitting down, baby,” Reeka replied gently, turning the lock on the door for good measure. She didn’t want anyone else to hear this long overdue conversation. Kendra looked down at herself and frowned. “I am sitting down, aren’t I? I must be losing my mind then.” She raked trembling hands through her long sandy-colored silky locks.

“You’re not losing your mind, baby. You’re just in shock, that’s all.” Reeka returned to her seat beside her twenty-one-year-old daughter, the only child she’d ever had by the only man she’d ever loved romantically. “You better believe I’m in shock. Who wouldn’t be if they just found out that their favorite uncle was actually their father, not just the father figure they’ve known and loved all their lives,” Kendra replied, unable to remove the look of horror from her eyes. The whole thing just seemed so unreal. “I completely understand.” Reeka patted her on the back in comfort. “Take deep breaths in, baby, to keep yourself calm while I explain everything.” Kendra did as she was told as her mother shared how she and Kenny met during one fateful spring break in Florida. At the time, they were both seniors at different colleges, had both lost a parent within the previous five years, and both dreaded going home on holidays and school breaks. Especially since both of their surviving parents were stuck in perpetual grief that neither seemed willing to leave any time soon. “Kenny and I didn’t know that while we were falling in love in Florida, our parents were falling in love in New York. As everyone in the family knows, Kenny’s father met my mother when she moved into one of his apartment buildings,” Reeka continued, clasping her hands together in her lap now. Kendra nodded. She recalled the story well about how her BELOVED | 29

white grandfather was instantly smitten with her black grandmother when the feisty woman stormed into his corporate real estate office one day with a petition in one hand and a bright red sleeping bag in the other. The fully signed petition was a demand for him to fix the heat in her building. The sleeping bag was for her to sleep in his warm office until he did. So impressed with her, he called the repairman that very day and invited her to dinner the next. The rest was history. “Imagine me and Kenny’s shock when we got calls from our parents on the last day of spring break telling us that they had eloped and with whom,” Reeka said, grimacing even now at that memory. Kendra winced just imagining how painful that unexpected news must have been to her parents. “What did you and Unc…

my father do after that?” she asked, still trying to wrap her mind around all this. “We swore each other to secrecy and agreed to end our romance out of respect for our parents’ happiness,” Reeka replied. Her own hazel eyes filled with tears as her mocha cheeks deepened in color from the painful memories she had invoked. “That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. But what else were we to do? Our parents were so happy and fulfilled together after years of loneliness and stark misery. Plus, Kenny and I figured that since we were so young, we would have plenty of other opportunities to find true love again.” “But you never did, did you?” Kendra asked softly, unable to recall a single person that either parent had even thought to settle down with over the years. They had barely even dated any-

one else. Now Kendra knew why. “No, we didn’t. Some kinds of loves only come around once.” Reeka blinked back tears after a few deep breaths of her own. “Anyway, Kenny and I ended up having to tell our parents the truth eventually.” “When you turned up pregnant with me?” “No.” Reeka shook her head, “When you came out bearing too many Flannigan features. That sandy hair of yours was way too close to their blond locks and your coloring was way too fair to be the child of the fictional black man that I lied to everyone about. Yet it was your twelve toes that alerted your grandfather to your true paternity.” “I was born with twelve toes?!” A wide-eyed Kendra looked down at her feet, staring intently even though they were fully enclosed in a pair of stylish black boot. Boots that her

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generous father gave her along with many other expensive gifts over the years. “Yes. Along with changing my last name and yours after your birth to make us both legal Flannigans, your grandpa arranged to have your extra toes removed. That’s how you really got those scars on the sides of your feet. All blood-related Flannigans have had that same surgery, by the way.” Kendra looked at her mother now. “All this time you had me thinking that those scars were from cyst removals. What else have you lied to me about, Mama?” She suddenly looked distrustful of her mother, whom she’d never had cause to doubt before in their extremely open and amicable relationship. “Just things pertaining to your true paternity,” Reeka explained, looking truly remorse-

ful. “Everything else I made sure to tell you the absolute truth about.” “Why are you telling me all this now?” Kendra suddenly wanted to know. “Especially since this news was obviously supposed to be taken to the grave again as it was in Grandpa and Grandma’s case.” “I decided to break my silence so that you can fulfill Kenny’s second greatest wish before he…d…died.” Reeka nearly choked on a sob at that grim reminder. “Which is?” Kendra prompted with glossy eyes. The pain of losing a favorite uncle was one thing. But to suddenly be faced with losing a father was another. “Your unc…father always said that no matter how many material possessions he acquires on this earth, there are only two things he ever really wanted.

The first is to finally make me his wife. The second is to hear you call him Daddy just once.” Reeka’s eyes glistened with fresh emotion. “Since Kenny can never have the first thing, I thought you might give him the second thing before he dies.” “Let’s go take care of that now,” Kendra said, springing to her feet. “I’ll call him Daddy a thousand times if I need to, anything to soothe his soul.” She headed for the door with a determined stride. Reeka smiled, stood up, and headed to the door as well. “Like father, like daughter,” she muttered to herself at that display of spontaneity that was so like Kenny. *** In Kenny’s room, Kendra stood on one side of her father

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while Reeka stood on the other. He looked so frail and pale lying there. Not robust and tan as he usually was. Bending down to his right ear, Kendra whispered, “I know all about you and Mama. I just want you to know that I’m so proud to be your daughter. Even more proud to call you Daddy. My only regret is that I didn’t know sooner. Then I could have called you Daddy after every bedtime story you read me, at every birthday party that you insisted on paying for, after you bought me my first car, and especially during last Christmas break when you came and bailed me out of jail.” “Bailed you out of jail?!” Reeka exclaimed. Kendra looked up at her mother and grimaced. “Oops. Did I just say that?” she said, inadvertently revealing that Reeka wasn’t the only one who shared secrets with Kenny. The same Kenny that suddenly wasn’t looking quite so pale anymore. “Yes, you did.” Reeka frowned, speaking in a much calmer tone now. “What were you in jail for?” “DUI after partying too much in celebration of my 21st birthday. But don’t worry. Daddy scolded me enough for two parents that night. He made me promise never to drink and drive again. I took it a step

further and decided to never touch another drink again. I haven’t since,” Kendra quickly explained. “Thank God.” Reeka heaved a sigh of relief, so wrapped up in their current conversation that she didn’t see the small smile forming upon Kenny’s face. The doctors and nurses didn’t see his smile either, but they certainly saw the signs to what would be the beginning of a miraculous recovery. Kenny’s brain activity had increased significantly when the two ladies entered his room. It was increasing in leaps and bounds with each second they lingered. His blood pressure had stabilized and he was starting to breathe on his own. “What’s going on?” Reeka asked worriedly when she saw the throng of medical personnel suddenly invading the room. “Nothing short of a miracle, Miss Flannigan,” one of the doctors replied. “It seems that your brother is about to come out of his coma after all. He’s definitely breathing on his own again.” “Brother?” Kendra echoed. “The man on that bed is my father and her future husband,” she announced proudly, uncaring that everyone was now looking at her as if she really had lost her mind. ***

One year and a half later, Kenny and Reeka Flannigan attended Kendra’s college graduation ceremony together. Although they had gone to many of her school events together before, this was the first time they ever attended as husband and wife. No more hiding longing looks at each other across the room. No more sitting with at least one person between them. No more going out of their way to avoid touching each other, lest they surrender to the inferno of love and passion that always smoldered just beneath the surface when they were in the same room. No more secrets, lies, and restrictions of any kind for Kenny and Reeka. Finally they were free to just…love. How did everyone else take this new Flannigan union? With extreme shock, disbelief, and gradual acceptance. It was hard not to accept their marriage. After all, no one could deny the fact that Kenny, Reeka, and even Kendra were happier than they’ve ever been before. *** Moral of this story: Tell your kids the truth about their paternity before it’s too late… even if the details of that truth are ugly and painful.

A firm believer in real life happy-ever-afters, Suprina Frazier takes great pleasure in creating fictional happy endings via the enthralling and unforgettable stories she writes. Her books will entertain, inspire, enlighten, and even encourage you. She is a mother of two and a friend to many. Visit her website at www.Suprinafrazier.webs.com 32 | BELOVED

Love Bytes

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)

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10 Tips for Christian Parents of Gay Children Steve Arterburn

Finding out your child is a homosexual does not negate your parental love, any more than God negates His love for His children when they have fallen into sin. It is right that you still love your child. But God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Set clear boundaries. You love your child, but you must hate their sin because it hurts them. Be clear in your distinction between your love for them and your position on their behavior. When children reveal a piece of their own life to you, this is an expression of deep trust. What a terrific opportunity for you to show your unconditional love. That doesn’t mean you approve of their lifestyle choice, but it will help keep the door open for honest communication. You probably feel as though you are a solitary case, perhaps even afraid to share your dilemma for fear of rejection. It is important, however, that you find support from trusted friends, pastors or family members as you begin the process of examining your feelings and your response to your child. Don’t give up! Wrap your child in love and present them to the Lord. This commitment will free you to pray for the healing power of the Holy Spirit to inspire and liberate them, and you. Behold I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too difficult for Me? Jer. 32:27

When kids tell their parents about their homosexual involvement, at least their own inner struggle has been externalized, and the process of dealing with the issues that led them to this choice can begin. Understand that telling you has probably been the most difficult thing your child has faced. Lovingly guard your response. Your reaction will be long remembered.

Draw close to the Lord. Often, situations like this move people closer to God. If you were not in fellowship with other believers before this, you should be now. The toughest times often draw us to a much greater understanding of God’s love. He does love you and your child, and you must hold on to that. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from God’s love, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38,39 Your child is no tragedy. He or she is still your child. Knowing they are involved in homosexuality does not erase all the joy and blessings they have been to you over the years. Just because you learned of the problem doesn’t mean you can’t be the same loving parent you were a few hours before you became aware of the situation. Demonstrate your love to your child in every way possible. This will prevent stagnation and bitterness from settling in your own heart. It will assure and insure them of the unconditional love you are showing them which will, in turn, remind them of God’s love. In many instances, homosexual attraction begins at a young age, in the pre-teen period. At that point it is emotional and not sexual. Examine this time period in your child’s life, with them if possible, to explore root causes of their behavior.

Stephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation’s largest faith-based broadcast, counseling and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated “New Life Live!” daily radio program. Steve is a nationally known public speaker; has been featured in national media, most recently ABC World News Tonight, GQ magazine and Rolling Stone; and, is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences attended by over 4 million women. The author of over 80 books, including Regret Free Living, he’s been nominated for numerous writing awards and has won three Gold Medallion awards for writing excellence. Steve resides with his family in the Indianapolis area. To learn more about Steve and New Life Ministries, visit www.NewLife.com

34 | BELOVED

The dreaded in-laws, help! Dr. Allen Holmes

must begin by saying I have wonderful in-laws. They are not perfect. At times we get on each others nerves but I am very blessed. However, for many their in-laws can be a real problem. If this is true for you I recommend you read the book, Boundaries as soon as possible. This book empowers you to guard your heart in order to love well. It will also help you in every other relationship you have. Here are my thoughts:

You and your spouse must be on the same page. You have to work together to deal with both sets of parents to establish healthy boundaries. If you agree and stand together your parents will either get in line or pull back and either way you win. You cannot allow parents to come between you, ever!

In order to protect your unity, never talk to your parents about your spouses imperfections. If you need help or support talk to a trusted friend. Your parents will always be biased, will have a very difficult time forgiving, even after you have, and they will use this information against you when you are trying to establish boundaries. Dr Allen Holmes has a passion to restore You and your spouse are in charge of your family (leave marriages and create and cleave, Gen 2:24) not your parents. You must honhealthy homes. His or your parents (show them respect) but not obey them, own story of restoyou are not children any longer and they may need you ration fuels his pasto explain that to them. Many parents try to boss their sion to help others have the same grown kids around which is ridiculous. life changing experience. Serving as Lead Pastor for the past ten years Don’t be so easily offended. In-laws give us an opporat Daystar Church in Greensboro, tunity to be gracious, slow to anger, patient, forgiving, NC, he spends a majority of his time basically Christ like. Now, you do not want them to live next raising future leaders, counseling door but during the limited time you are together ask God couples and reaching the city for to build your character. Sometimes we just get bent out of Christ. His partners in this journey shape too quickly. are his lovely wife Tina and his three children Luke, Abby and Isabelle. You can do it!

3 4

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Love Bytes

And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together.” Mark 10:9 (CEV)

36 | BELOVED

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Cheat’n in the I

t’s Getting Hot in Here. It had been about a year since we’d reconciled our marriage when I caught a bad case of the seven-year itch. I wish that I had the luxury of pointing to some awful thing that went wrong in our marriage that would offer an excuse worthy of my illness. But by all accounts, things were actually going pretty well. We’d snagged a great deal on a simple little home that was a HUD foreclosure; I’d landed a new job that came with a $17 thousand dollar a year raise and a company car; our family had purchased season passes to Disney World; and, by all outward appearances I should have been blissfully happy. But I wasn’t. About the most exciting thing that I had going in my life was the new pc that my husband had recently purchased to help facilitate his decision to return to college and complete his undergraduate degree. During that time, my daily routine included coming home, watching Oprah while I fixed dinner, and then getting the kids fed, bathed and into bed. The actual highlight of my evenings began once I finally got an opportunity to plop down in front of the new computer to explore the Internet. 

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♥ 

When we first bought the computer, we knew that it came with a free introductory e-mail program; but, we had no idea that via its connection to the worldwide web, the e-mail program had so many interesting elements. We could check out world and entertainment news, my husband could get all kinds of sports updates, and we even discovered these communities of people that chatted amongst each other. It all seemed so cool; and, we were like kids in a candy store, until we stumbled on the “chat rooms” with names like, “HELL-o-KITTE” and “silkyblackcats.” Truthfully, for a quick minute we got caught up in being internet voyeurs as we tip-toed into those chat-rooms and watched the conversations in awe. Who knew stuff like this even existed? But being a touchy-feely-strictly-you-knowwhat-kinda sista, after a couple of days of “peeping in”, the initial curiosity wore off, as did the novelty of the new computer – at least for me anyways. And, pretty soon, I was once again overtaken by the “blah’s.” Oddly enough, my whole “blah” period

Next Room coincided with Oprah’s new programming format, which focused on encouraging women to find fulfillment in every aspect of their lives. And, it didn’t take long for the whole spiel about needing to care for yourself, before you could be capable of caring for your family, your spouse, your home, your job, etc. began to resonate loudly within my brain. Me, me, me…..now that’s what I’m talking about Oprah! Unfortunately, instead of tackling the deep inner spiritual work that I so desperately needed to do, I opted to make drastic – yet superficial – changes on the outside. The first of which was a decision to lose weight (that’s funny even now) and the second, was a decision to go out and get a really short, yet uncharacteristically chic for me (at least at that point in my rut), hairstyle. But never in my wildest imagination could I have known that such a simple decision to get a haircut would, in a matter of a few short weeks, have such a drastic impact on my life. 

♥ 

Tymira Mack

Finally, some peace and quiet, I thought as I peeped in to make sure that my daughters were fast asleep, before I headed across the hall and anxiously closed the door to the spare bedroom that doubled as our home office, behind me. I fumbled around in the dark for a few seconds, feeling my way to the switch to boot up the pc, because I felt more comfortable going on-line in the dark that night. I had no idea where to start, but I knew that our e-mail provider touted itself as “the place where the whole nation connects,” so I decided to search their personality pages first. Armed only with a name, I began my Internet sleuthing; and, to my surprise over twenty-five matches came back. The list included first and last names; some middle initials; even some cities and states; but most importantly, it included screen names. Right off the bat I was able to eliminate over half the names because the cities or states seemed improbable, so that left me with about nine names. And then it dawned on me; if I remember correctly his middle name did start with “B”. Ok that narrows it down to 4 names, two don’t list their city; there’s one with cat in the screen name….humph, not likely...... unless it’s a reference to the fact that he likes

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to ‘chase the cat’ I remember giggling to myself; and, the final possible match listed Atlanta, GA as the hometown? He couldn’t be back in Georgia, now could he? I wondered as I began to type… Subj: Date: From: To:

Thunder from Atlanta? 11/30/2000 7:47 PM ND2XL Nuttin_Butt_Thunder; ThunderCat; TH-UNDER-DOG

Looking for my long lost cousin Thunder. If this is you, please contact your cuz Tammy from Florida @ 954/911-8915. Fearing that I didn’t have a rat’s chance in Hades of my e-mail connecting with its intended recipient, and even more terrified that I might actually get a favorable response, I quickly signed off, what in the heck am I thinking, and went to bed. Even so, curiosity had me up and sitting right back in front of the computer bright and early the next morning. But this time, I didn’t have to worry about being secretive because it was a Saturday, and no one else in the family besides me was a morning person. Instead I boldly signed onto our e-mail program and eagerly anticipated that familiar message to let me know that I had e-mail. But once I’d successfully logged on, the computer was silent. Dang, still no reply? I knew it was a long shot, I thought as I disappointedly shut off the computer and headed into the kitchen and the garage to begin my boring old Saturday morning washing, cooking and cleaning routine. 

♥ 

After our weekly Sunday dinner at my parents, I came home, stripped down to my panties, and settled in for my routine Sunday afternoon nap. I awoke later that evening and busied myself ironing the girls’ school uniforms for the week and getting their backpacks ready for school. When I passed by our office, I could tell by the thin iridescent glow that shone on the tile floor outside the door that DL was inside amusing 40 | BELOVED

himself with the latest baseball stats and taking sideline trips into those stupid chat rooms…. Go right ahead and amuse yourself honey ‘cause that’s as close as you’ll be getting to some kittykat tonight, I signified to myself. Until then, I’d all but forgotten about the computer, hummmm I wonder if the post-man’s been ringing my bell today? “Hey Pooh,” I yelled out of habit, because at that point in our marriage it wasn’t a term of endearment any longer. “Huh?” He managed to mumble back between snickering at the madness that he was reading on the pc. “Can you leave the computer on for me when you’re finished please?” “Um-hum.” 

♥ 

“Welcome! You’ve got E-mail.” Awe shucks, I mumbled to myself while biting my lips in a mixture of fear and anticipation. For one small second, I hesitated, wondering whether I should tempt fate or turn the computer off. But my curiosity – ok my carnality – got the best of me. And, before I could honestly consider all the possible ramifications of my actions, I’d already clicked on the mailbox icon and was absolutely astounded. Subj: RE: Cousin Thunder from Atlanta? Date: 12/1/2000 10:25 PM From: TH-UNDER-DOG To: ND2XL You’ve gotta be SH@!-ing, I mean kidding me? This can’t be my tall, sexy, long-lost Cousin from Florida? Oh snap……it’s actually him. I remember thinking as a mixture of emotions flooded both my mind and my lower extremities. Subj: RE: RE: Cousin Thunder from Atlanta? Date: 12/2/2000 7:47 PM From: ND2XL To: TH-UNDER-DOG

Un–be–freaking–lievable! Is it really you? PS – does the Dog in your Screen Name refer to your persona, your frat affiliation, or both? Subj: RE: RE: RE: Cousin Thunder from Atlanta? Date: 12/2/2000 7:52 PM From: TH-UNDER-DOG To: ND2XL No the question is, is it really YOU. I was doubtful until I dialed the number and heard you on the voicemail. And no doubt, bow-wowwow, baby. Oh my geeze, if he took the time to call, he must’ve really been eager to know if this was really me? Wow! OK, gotta play it cool, I thought as I quickly reverted to my intellectual/flirtatious persona that had worked so well for me – in what felt like – eon’s ago. In fact, I switched into that hoochie gear so quickly and smoothly that for a second, I actually caught myself off guard. Is it just me, or do ya’ll smell smoke? Subj: Date: From: To:

Bow-Wow-Wow? 12/2/2000 8:00 PM ND2XL TH-UNDER-DOG

Bow-wow-wow – HUH? How fitting, I hope that’s just your social affiliation and not a personal affirmation. Anyway, it was hard to find you cuz. It’s been a long time since the fam’s been in touch and I wasn’t aware of all of your distinguished accomplishments. But at your age and professional status it’s all about uplifting the community. Right? Subj: Date: From: To:

RE: Bow-Wow-Wow? 12/2/2000 8:08 PM TH-UNDER-DOG ND2XL

It has been along time. Let’s see the last time you shot me down you were jumping the broom in VA and headed to Charlotte. Still happily married? Subj: Date: From: To:

Chicken & Homemade Biscuits 12/2/2000 8:15 PM ND2XL TH-UNDER-DOG

Yep, still barely married…too chicken to divorce… although I thought about fixin’ him some homemade biscuits a time or two. 2 kids, no dog. Last I heard from you… no kids, great marriage & a skyrocketing career. How’d you get back to the A-T-L? Subj: Date: From: To:

RE: Chicken & Homemade Biscuits 12/2/2000 8:22 PM TH-UNDER-DOG ND2XL

Barely married…… that’s not good? Hopefully that brotha has enough sense not to fall for the chicken & biscuits blue plate special. Same old Tammy. What’s up with that? Yup, still married. HAPPILY. No kids, thinking about adopting. 1 dog. Moved back for more corporate upward mobility. Hum same old sarcastic sense of humor. Oh and don’t think that I didn’t catch the emphasis on HAPPILY married; I remember thinking. But, I quickly and arrogantly discounted his little hint. Humph, if’n you’re so freaking HAPPY Mr. Quiet Storm, you sure did commence to calling and e-mailing a sista PDQ (pretty damn quick)! So you wanna challenge a sister? Well you ain’t said nothing but a thang, buddy! Even though I was talking big to myself, deep down inside that one simple word that he’d typed in LARGE CAPS, had cut me to the BELOVED | 41

bone. It really hurt to face the fact that Thunder was actually HAPPILY married…to someone…that wasn’t me… and it hurt twice as bad because at the time that I was reading his e-mail, I definitely wasn’t experiencing marital bliss. In less than the 20 minutes it took to exchange 3 or 4 “innocent” e-mails, what’d initially begun as a few smoldering embers of curiosity, was doused with an unhealthy dose of jealousy and before I knew anything, my mind was screaming, we don’t need no water, let the mutha-sucker-burn. But I had to play it cool, can’t let ‘em see me sweat….not just yet anyhow, I smirked at the unexpected sexual innuendo that my last thought had conjured up. Subj: Date: From: To:

Catching Up 12/2/2000 9:02 PM ND2XL TH-UNDER-DOG

I’m surprised you didn’t go back up north. I guess that was a part of your 1980’s persona. As for me, I’ve finally been able to marry my career with my

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life’s passion of writing & helping people. I have a 9 - 5 and I started my own consulting business. Besides my little pumpkins, my work is the highlight of my life right now. Adoption? That’s cool. I wish you guys much success in that arena. Kids are a joy, although they require an extreme lifestyle change. I think spending quality time together, learning & appreciating each other, living life a little & becoming more financially & emotionally mature is the wisest move. Then when you introduce children into your marriage, you have so much more to offer… that’s where we screwed up… but sounds like you guys have a lot to look forward to? As for the dog I hope it’s not a Rottweiler unless you have steel plated windows (LOL) PS – I’m headed near your way in January for a week-long seminar in Columbia, SC. Talk to ya soon??? If not, since we’re on the multiyear plan pencil me in for a call in 2005; and, don’t say no in 2050

when Springer calls for the Crush Reunion Show. I can’t believe I just typed that. What a crock of crap….do I really care if they live happily ever after? I thought to myself. Don’t be a hater. If you really cared for him as much as you claim, I told myself, then you should be glad that he’s found HAPPINESS. Yeah, I guess? Or whatever? Shucks, I’own know? Since my head was swirling around with so many crazy emotions, I figured it was time to sign off before I said something that I’d later regret, or exposed my hand before I determined whether I wanted to keep playing or cash in my chips and go home. Besides that, it was getting late, and my husband was moving around a little more than usual. Better get out of here before he gets suspicious, my guilty conscious kept telling me. 

♥ 

I was never big on Monday’s, but that Monday I was particularly exhausted by the time I finally sat down at my desk to begin the workweek. I’d tossed and turned most of the night mulling over all sorts of “what-if” scenarios; plus, the kids had been uncharacteristically difficult to deal with. To top it all off, I’d forgotten that I had a mandatory all day training to attend. Oh yippee! Since the Feds were infamous for calling at 4:45 pm on Fridays, with the news of some funding crisis that required immediate attention, I decided to play it safe and check my voice mail before heading down the hall to my training class. You have 1 mess–, my voicemail announced as I cringed and pressed 1 to bypass the date, time and originating telephone number information, eager to get to the crux of the crisis so I wouldn’t be late for training. “Good Morning Sexy.” “Urrrr–u?” I yelped out loud, sounding like Scooby Doo. “No longer an early-bird huh? I’d hoped to get a chance to hear that sexy voice of yours first thing this morning, but I guess I can’t always have what I want?”

Ya betta’ recognize, I smirked to myself, but at the same time I couldn’t help but admit, dang he still sounds sexy as hell, his dang-on self! Truthfully, the sound of his voice was so sensuous that it immediately conjured up memories of those juicy Marlon Jackson lips of his; nearly causing my body to go completely limp in my chair. “...How you gonna tease a brotha with a line about coming to town for a week and then just sign off?” I figured that’d pique your freak–ee–osity, I smirked while snapping out of my trance and regaining my swagger. “...Were you serious, or just setting a brotha up for another one of your disappearing acts?” “Damn, if your intent was to mess with a brotha’s head, congratulations, you succeeded. But then again…you always were good when it came to messing with MY HEAD.” Beeeeeep. Yup, you can take a freak out the game, but you can’t take the game out the freak, I thought as I gathered my composure, wiped the drool off my bottom lip, and rushed to get to my training class. Damn, it’s getting hot in here! 

♥ 

Excerpt from Love and the Affair by Tymira Mack.

Love and the Affair is the continuation of author Tymira Mack’s incredibly candid and inspiring journey to wholeness. Boldly transparent, honest and witty, Tymira bravely details her battles to overcome the lingering spirits of past lovers; exposes the tests she faced while striving to honor her marriage vows; reveals truths about her struggle to conquer feelings of inadequacy; and, most importantly, shares her quest toward discovering the true meaning of love. BELOVED | 43

hey all tend to use the same words to tell their stories: “not happy,” “disappointed,” “unsatisfied,” “unfair.” It is the vocabulary of growing numbers of discontented spouses everywhere. Husbands and wives who didn’t know that it would be like this; who feel they must have somehow ended up at the wrong address; that they said “I do” to the wrong person. Now they just want out. With a deep, weary sigh they usually go on to explain how much better off they would be, if only… Over the course of a long marriage there may at times seem to be another place, another feeling, another person – so much more ideal for you than the one you already have. Numbed by frustration and discontent, it is easy to begin fantasizing about another relationship that suits you in all the ways this one doesn’t. The “had you known then what you know now” option would have been your choice, without a doubt. Slowly but surely, when you allow yourself to constantly daydream about this supposedly “ideal” situation, you will become convinced that

In Harmony Dr. Ronn Elmore, Psyd

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you can – and should – make it a reality. You become more certain that who and what you have now is just not worth it. “After all,” you’ll say, “God could not possibly require me to go on like this when a more fulfilling choice is available – if only I weren’t married to you know who.” Beware! Your mind can lead you down some very destructive paths. You can’t possibly focus on what your marriage can be if you stay forever obsessed with what it isn’t, or with how much greener the grass is “over there.” “Over there” is nothing but an illusion, masterminded by Satan. It is a cunning, three-dimensional, beautifully adorned illusion that deceives discontented spouses into believing that it’s real. Buy into it, and you will gradually begin to emotionally, spiritually and physically disengage from your mate and your marriage. You’ll pronounce it a lost cause that could not possibly be God’s will for you. Being single again, or being married to someone better, will appear to be your true destiny. When we believe our fantasies of how the future could be, we will soon believe that we have the God-given right to go and make it happen. You can’t bring the best faith, self-sacrifice and commitment to your real marriage when you are completely consumed with the fantasy one. In the end, the one you focus the most attention on is the one that will survive. Our decisions are determined by our perceptions and beliefs. As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. Dissatisfaction grows from obsessing over repeated disappointments and making foolish comparisons of your marriage to someone else’s. Contentment, on the other hand, comes from determined effort and unshakable faith in the God by whom all things hold together – including your marriage. Contentment is the result of practicing consistent gratitude for what is good about your mate and your marriage, instead of keeping such detailed records of what’s wrong. It is re-embracing your commitment to your stale, presently unsatisfying marriage again, and yet again, in spite of how foolish it may feel. Contentment is neither a fruit of positive thinking or emotional manipulation; it is simply a daily decision to rest in the assurance that your God is bigger than your circumstances, and that He is able to do what you cannot do for yourself. Many will read these words and declare that contentment is only possible after God chooses to enliven their stale marriage. God often does His most awesome acts for those who choose to be content before He does anything at all. Contentment declares your mate and your vows to be more valuable than your feelings. Your conflicts become opportunities, not simply to get your own way, but to see into the pained, fearful heart of the one you once loved. Contentment is the gritty assurance that God is well able to build into your marriage something far more satisfying that what you believe is only available elsewhere. You may not have control over your spouse or everything about your marriage, but you can learn, whatever state you are in, to be content.

Ronn Elmore, Psy.d is a relationship therapist, ordained minister and bestselling author of How to Love a Black Man, How to Love A Black Woman, NoNonsense Dating and other books. Known as the “How-to” Coach for smart single women, his popular blog about dating, relationships and motivation is at www.FindingSoulmateSuccess.com.

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Yes, You CAN Improve Your Love Life. I Can Help! Hi, I’m Dr. Ronn Elmore, “The How-To Coach” for smart, single women. Maybe you know me as bestselling author of How to Love a Black Man, No-Nonsense Dating and other books. Or maybe you know me as a long-time relationship expert for Essence and featured at numerous T.D. Jakes events. Perhaps you’ve seen me on television or heard me on radio giving unique, practical advice on life and love. Looking for a *FREE,* instantly usable treasure chest of expert dating and relationship advice - without all the jokes and hype? Visit www.findingsoulmatesuccess.com

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Get relevant answers to your toughest questions about men and relationships? Jump-start your confidence and motivation to get back in the dating process? Gain crystal clarity about yourself, and what you really want in relationship? Learn powerful, practical tools to date with dignity, and never desperation? Connect with a quality, compatible mate for a serious relationship - or even marriage?

Sign up for my *FREE* Finding Soulmate Success ezine. Receive my ebook “The 5 Biggest Lies You Believe About Men & Dating” as my gift! To YOUR Great Success;

Dr. Ronn Elmore, Psy.d The "How-To" Coach for Single Women Dating - Relationships - Motivation – Men

Visit www.FindingSoulmateSuccess.com

Love Bytes

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV)

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hink back to the first time you saw each other, remember how the two of you would spend hours talking on the phone? Do you remember your first embrace or the first time the two of you kissed? Based on your communicating with each other you realized you were in love and wanted to spend the rest of your lives together in MARITAL BLISS! Of all the time you spent getting to know one another how much was used to talk about your true feelings with regard to financial issues? This is a major topic that you and your mate should talk about long before getting married; and if you are already married it’s not too late to discuss it now as you work towards a life of FINANCIAL BLISS! It is extremely important that you and your partner share your personal views on being debt free. Knowing how each other feels about savings could help tremendously. Have you discussed having a plan for retirement; and, which you feel comes first, funding your retirement or your children’s college fund? Have you both considered the importance of having life insurance to protect your income? These are must have conversations. I think you get the picture. When you get married you are bringing a lot more into the relationship than hot bodies and good sex. You are bringing your points of view and habits about life

is s r u o Y s t’

a Wh

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and money along with your credit history and FICO scores, and that can weigh far greater on a marriage than you may think. Let’s start with you sitting down together and working on a budget that does more than track how much money is coming in and going out of the house. Your budget should be broken down into different categories such as living expenses, debt, long term and short term investing and transportation, just to name a few. Many experts suggest that you allocate the following percentages of your gross income (after tithes and offerings) into these categories: 35% Housing, 15% Transportation, 15% Debt, 25% other and 10% Savings. (Jean Chatzky.com, September 14, 2010) Another part of your budget should include money allocated to short-term goals or desires (vacations, appliances, electronics) as well as an emergency fund (6-12 months of living expenses in case of prolonged illness or loss of job). www.CNN/Money.com reported in July 2010,

! T DEB

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“48% of Americans said last year they only had enough resources to carry them for two months before experiencing an economic hardship.” Honestly discuss how much debt each of you is bringing into the union. Also talk about the strategy you’re going to use to pay off the full amount of debt. Here is an example: You pay: $100 a month to Credit Card #1 $150 a month to Credit Card #2 + $600 a month for a Car Payment = $850 total monthly debt payment In order to work toward eliminating this debt, once you have paid off Card #1, take the $100 that you use to pay toward Card #1 and apply it to card #2 for a new monthly payment of $250 toward Card #2. Then, once you have paid off Card #2 take that $250 and apply it to your car payment. Now it may seem as if you are paying $850 a month towards your car, but actually you’re paying $850 towards eliminating your total debt. After you have paid all your debts off you have more money to invest for the future. Discussing your plans for retirement is critical. At what age do you plan on retiring and what are you doing to reach that goal? Inside of your budget, plan how much each of you will contribute to your 401K or deferred compensation plans at work. Allocate money for IRA accounts outside of your job. Whether you calculate your finances together or as individuals, it’s a good idea to know how much money you will need to have accumulated when it’s time to retire. According to www.BankRate.com, “Nearly three out of five middle-class retirees will likely run out of money if they maintain their pre-retirement lifestyles and don’t reduce spending by at least 24%.” Did you honestly express your viewpoint on which should be funded first your retirement accounts or the children’s college fund? Which type of college education plans have you considered? The 529 college plan, state offered pre- paid college plans, or a Coverdale account? (Check with a financial professional for more information on these and other types of accounts). Together, have you made the vital consideration of whether to purchase the proper income protection (life insurance)? The best made plans

will change the moment someone dies and their income is no longer available to help finance those plans and dreams. Estate Planning is another important related topic that you as a couple should address. This will allow each of you to spell out exactly what your wishes are in legal documents (prepared by a competent attorney) such as a Last Will and Testament in case of death, and appoint a Power of Attorney (Medical and Durable) in case you need someone to make decisions for you when you cannot. Have you discussed a long-term care plan for you and your spouse so you can have an opportunity to live your golden years in the dignified manner you deserve? Sending time working on your financial future together allows you to learn something about yourself and get to know your partner better in the process. It’s only when you sit down and work on your life plans together that you will be able to live the type of life that you truly desire. While knowing that you were there for each other step by step, fellows you look like the hero she always wanted, and ladies he’ll know that you are a Proverbs 18:22 woman. Besides what could be more of an aphrodisiac than working together and celebrating victories? He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD. (NKJV) For more than a decade, Wayne M. Dean has been a Regional Leader with Primerica Financial Services where he’s been empowering families and individuals with invaluable professional financial concepts and principles designed to help his clients attain their financial goals. Licensed and certified in such critical areas as investing, retirement planning, college education, life insurance, debt reduction and loans, Wayne provides professional solutions to the financial problems that concern people the most. Contact Wayne at 954-854-1510 to discuss what you want to accomplish with your financial future BELOVED | 49

THE EROGENOUS ZONE

“Play Date” Erogenous Coach (Simon) Says for Adults ™ Elicit play for adults only!

Rev. Dr. LaVonne Shaw

Disclaimer: The topics explored in the Erogenous Zone are intended for mature readers. As a Christian publication, Beloved Magazine only supports engagement in sexual activities within the confines of committed, monogamous, marriage relationships as originally designed and authorized by God in scripture.

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he things you will need to one day of your weekend? Most have before you start the of us use Saturday or Sunday to game: catch up laundry and household chores. Living like this seems Magnifying Glass out of balance. Find something Purple Rubber Gloves fun to anticipate every day. ReRoses petals (if not allergic) member anticipation is great Revelation Lubricant fun! (Exclusively in our online store (www.Valentine3sixty5.com) Balance is: Concentrated enstore ergy + relaxation = a healthy Ice (preferred crushed) sex life in a marriage. Do you work long hours from This formula led me to the Monday to Friday just to enjoy creation of our game, Simon Says for Adults. This game shows couples how to create enjoyable activities, share a common experience, achieve feelings of exhilaration, encourage creative accomplishment, and under controlled conditions, prescribed play can also provide erotic enjoyment. Before you begin, here are some tips for engaging in adult play: 1. Embrace simplicity. 2. Don’t overanalyze what you like to do or when you desire to do it. Look at your old photos for a reminder. Which stand out more: the candid shots or the all dressed up, posed ones? 3. Don’t worry about what the neighbors will think or hear. If they ask questions give them a copy of Beloved magazine. 4. Visit our online store www.Valentine3sixty5.com and learn some tricks. 5. Plan a sleepover for the little ones. (smile)

This game follows the pattern of that childhood game so many of us enjoyed Simon Says. We call it - Erogenous Coach (EC) Says…... EC Says… Husbands undress your wife; EC Says….. Wives undress your husband; EC Says….. Put on your purple rubber gloves; EC Says….. Husband place your wife on the bed of rose petals, on her tummy. Massage her back with Ecstasy Shea Soufflé. EC Says….. Wives -Lick his eyelids and behind his ears; (Make sure your breath is minty fresh!) EC Says….. Husbands – massage her feet with the soufflé. Make sure you rub between her toes and kiss each one. EC Says….. Wives – Massage the soufflé on his feet also. Watch him laugh! EC Says….. Wives – place the ice in your mouth to chill your tongue. Now share the chill. EC Says….. Husbands- now you do the same.

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EC Says….. Wives and husband, use your imagination with the Revelation Lubricant Now what happens next is all about what you – the husband and the wife says - if it’s the ultimate in pleasure, wonderful; if you fall asleep in each other’s arms laughing, that is fine too. Remember, you may add to this game as much as you like! As you may have noted, the intimate subjects explored in this column are often those which many fellow Christians have been too embarrassed to seek answers for or too afraid to openly discuss. However, I am confident that through our honest exploration God will heal marriages, revive marriage beds and re-ignite passions for each other. I invite you to e-mail me your questions or comments at www.coach@TheErogenousCoach.com. - Dr. Lavonne

Rev. Dr. LaVonne Shaw is a Preacher, Erogenous Coach, Author and #1 International Webcast Personality. Passion is her Profession! Empowering Marriages is her Ministry! Tune into Dr. Shaw’s high-octane talk show “The Erogenous Coach” Mondays at 8:00 p.m. on SKYPE. (Skype/Conference Call In Phone: 712-432-0075, Access Code: 670015)

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Love Bytes

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)

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An Empty Quiver When You and Me Doesn’t Produce Them Tymira Mack

od created man in His own image, he blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Gen 1:26-28) Most couples anticipate, no expect, that their love and subsequent union will produce fruit. Yet annually over 7% or 2.1 million couples wrestle with the initial shock and subsequent marital strain of being diagnosed as infertile. Defined by the medical community as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected relations and/or the inability to carry a pregnancy to term, infertility poses one of the greatest, oft hidden, challenges to marriages. Infertility is not a new phenomenon faced by couples. In the book of Genesis, the Bible records Abraham’s dialog with God, “What wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless…behold to me thou hast given no seed (15:2-3 NKJV); and, reveals that when Rachel saw she bare Jacob no children, she said 54 | BELOVED

unto him “give me children, or else I die” (30:1 NKJV). The beginning of 1 Samuel chronicles that in bitterness of soul Hannah wept much because the Lord had closed her womb (1:5, 10 NIV). The range of responses to the barrenness experienced by these ancient Hebrews give witness to contemporary parenting and marital advice offered by now retired psychologist Dr. Kalman Heller, “infertility is not simply a medical problem; it is also a devastating psychological problem.” And is further supported by advice that infertility medical providers such as the Georgia Reproductive Specialists offer their potential patients, “infertility can have emotional effects on relationships, as this is a time when couples feel that they’ve failed in the most basic of all roles: reproduction.” Kathy, a government executive in her mid thirties shared

with Beloved, “My husband was not very expressive about what he was feeling emotionally [but] the emotions for me ran the gamut. I would find that any time I talked about what was happening I would start to cry. It was like this underlying sadness that was dormant. When I would go to the doctor, I would be very high strung. The appointments were very painful physically and emotionally. It seemed as if everything was completely overwhelming. It was at that time that I had to let things go and just entrust God with the deepest desires of my heart. It was too hard to think about why this was happening and why it seemed that so many women that I knew were pregnant or got pregnant seemingly effortlessly.” Yet another Beloved reader in her mid-thirties (who we will call Grace) shared with us, “For me it was anger, despair, sadness and loneliness. I was an emo-

tional wreck and disappointed because I wouldn’t be able to give my husband a child. My self-esteem took a hit as well.” While Yvonne, a 40-year old former teen mom, shares that she felt guilty because she already had one child, yet was unable to conceive a child with her current husband of ten years who had no biological children of his own. Fueled by embarrassment, guilt, sadness, anger, feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness and isolation, psychologist and family therapists cite that infertile couples often cling together for dear life or, without proper counseling and support, find themselves facing separation and divorce. “I don’t think that there was a strain on our marriage as a result of the infertility,” advises Kathy. Instead, she shares that the diagnosis “was an opportunity for us to get together and decide what we would do as a couple about what we were faced with.”

Grace recalls feeling so bad that she didn’t want to talk at all, stating “My husband and I kind of just talked about it in passing conversations. I apologized for not being able to give him a child and he was very comforting, assuring me that he still loved me in spite of the situation. But all I could do was cry and go to my quiet place and shut down.” Alternatively, in her Twin Peas Podcast and Blog at www.twinpeas.com, Kelly Damron shares the impact that the initial diagnosis of infertility had on her marriage. “Our marriage was at a crossroads,” she shares recalling that initially her husband made peace with the notion that being a parent wasn’t in the cards for them and shifted gears toward convincing her how much more flexible their lives could be without having to fac-

tor kids into the equation. However Kelly records a completely opposite reaction stating, “As much as I loved him, I wanted to be a mom more. So I left him with two choices, divorce or In Vitro Fertilization. He decided to try IVF if it meant saving our marriage.” Even when couples come to terms with their diagnosis, and decide to move forward through their options together, the emotional rollercoaster doesn’t subside. Instead they face even more daunting challenges. Although all too “routine” for medical providers, the experience of being poked and prodded, enduring painful injections, having eggs harvested, producing semen in sterile medical facilities on demand, charting temperatures and ovulation cycles and scheduling sexual intercourse, all serve to reduce couples’ sex lives to scientific experiments judged as successes or failures based on one simple measuring stick – Did they or did they not conceive? “The thing that I was uncomfortable with related to the medical community was that it was somewhat of a foregone conclusion that we would avail ourselves to In Vitro Fertilization. It was all so matter of fact,” laments Kathy. “The doctor knew how to create life and if we followed the instructions, took some hormones, and preserved some sperm, we could likely have a baby. They even offered to freeze some eggs for free. It was as simple as going to the mall to purchase something that you wanted. It all seemed too easy and not just right.” BELOVED | 55

“The doctor that I had did not even remember, nor check his chart before we met, to remind him that he had done the surgery on my fallopian tube. It made me sick. Here I was grappling with one of the most difficult things in my life and I was a faceless infertile patient to the doctor. It was extremely hurtful.” Grace shares, “We went to a fertility facility to find out if we could conceive. We were both tested. The doctor performed a hysterosalpingogram (HSGP) on me, which is a very painful procedure if one’s tubes are blocked. During this procedure I was in so much pain and agony I was crying on the examination table begging the doctor to stop. A short time later, I had major surgery to unblock my tubes and remove fibroids. Unfortunately, I had to undergo that whole procedure again, and it still didn’t work.” “To add insult to injury, in the midst of the process we discovered that my insurance did not cover the procedure so we took a break to regroup and figure out what we would do, all the while still believing that God would perform a miracle on our behalf.” Kathy concurs with Grace’s frustration, “On top of everything, hardly any of the procedures were covered by medical insurance. They called all of these things ‘elective.’ I find it terrible that infertility treatment is not covered by insurance. Women are created to have children. When they are not able to naturally, in my mind, treatment is by no means ‘elective.’ The procedures are incred56 | BELOVED

their love for each other, sex may begin to feel like a chore. Either partner may also experience some form of performance anxiety. • Financial Stress – couples may find their relationship strained by the financial costs, and possible debt, associated with pursuing fertility treatments or adoption. • Fear of Abandonment – one or both partners may fear that their spouse may leave to pursue a relationship that can yield children. • Arguments about Treatment – the couple may feel strained while trying to resolve differing views on the treatments or options for dealing with infertility; or, even when to stop pursuing treatments and ibly expensive and there are no options. guarantees that they will work.” Yvonne and her husband share a similar experience of making And, Beloved magazine holds the agonizing decision to fi- that infertility may even cause nance their fertility treatments a fifth strain on marriages: with proceeds from the sale of land that they had purchased • Loss of Faith – either or both of the partners may experience two years earlier in expectation anger with, or loss of faith in, of building their dream home, God, posing a threat to the only to have the treatments very core of a Christian couples’ yield no positive results. covenant relationship. The experiences of these three couples are but a few of Grace candidly shared that their the numerous emotional stress- finances didn’t suffer much beors that couples facing infertil- cause they elected not to continue ity must overcome to maintain treatment without insurance covthe health of their marriage. In erage. However she admits her Research and Facts on Coping with Infertility published in “in the beginning, sex was 2011, Rachel Gurevich summadifficult for me because I felt rized that infertility may impact ‘what was the purpose if the the relationships of couples in end result was not going to four major ways: produce a child?’ Those moments still happen now, but • Sexual Tension – rather than not as often.” an intimate expression of

“And yes, I was angry with God because I felt that I had done what I was supposed to. I got married and then I worked on having a family – but he didn’t allow that to happen. My thoughts were all over the place on why this was happening to me? I know God has a reason for what he does, even when I don’t understand. But it still hurts me to the core, especially when I watch the news and hear of all the abused, neglected and murdered children.” “I ask God ‘how can you allow those people to have children and not allow my husband and me to have a child?’ And I wonder if it’s because I might love that child more than I love God? Then I cry and know that in spite of how I feel, God knows what’s best for me even when I don’t understand or like what is happening in my life.” Nevertheless, Grace adds, “Through prayer and hope my husband and I have preserved our marriage. We love each other beyond this circumstance in our lives. We are still believing God for our miracle, whether he blesses us to conceive or through adoption because we want a baby to grow with us from birth.” Kathy proudly expresses that “there was never any blame involved in the situation which I think is really important; [but] there is some deep hurt for both partners. As a woman I have described it as a pain in the soul. I would suspect it is the same for my husband. As a woman, you believe that when the time is right you will get pregnant. When you are married and you

love your spouse and you want a child, you think you will have one. When it doesn’t happen you ask why not?” “We are not perfect but would love a child and do the best we could for the child. It doesn’t make any sense when you see all these people having kids who don’t take care of them. It all seems so unfair.” Like Grace, Kathy Rhonda Lewis-Nwosu, admits “You do quesFounder Sparkles of Life tion whether you have done something wrong?” “I am turning it over to God. “I think it is important to recognize that both Overall I know God has a purpeople are in pain and neither pose for me, my husband and knows what to do for themselves for our marriage; with, or withnor for each other. Patience and out children. We pray together kindness is important and seek- for the Lord to guide our footing help and support from loved steps and reveal to us what we ones. Reaching out to people are to do for His glory. Little who have similar difficulties by little things are revealed. was very helpful to my husband We will be patient and wait and see.” and me.” Although extremely stressful, Through much introspection most experts agree with Kathy’s Kathy reveals, “I have increased my trust in God and have sur- assessment that couples should rendered to His will. God knows seek professional counseling or what I want and I have faith other support; and not attempt that I will have a child either to face the pressures of infertilnaturally or through adoption. ity alone. Having endured four I don’t know when or how but miscarriages over nine years I have put that in God’s hands. before successfully birthing In the meantime, my husband twins, Rhonda Lewis-Nwosu, and I are living our life the best founder of Sparkles of Life, we can. I no longer count the Inc. (www.sparklesoflife.org), days until I get my period or understands the importance of get fixated on when we need to offering couples a team of prachave sex. It is too hard and has titioners – physicians, counselbeen too disappointing in the ors, therapists, other couples and career professionals – who past.” BELOVED | 57

are both available and committed to helping them through the challenges of infertility. Inspired by the immense source of unequivocal encouragement offered by her late aunt and adoptive mother Theresa Holland, Rhonda sees her primary mission, and that of Sparkles of Life, as one of “sharing hope in the midst of infertility.” During her journey to motherhood, Rhonda recognized the limited resources for women to fellowship and have candid dialogue about their experiences during periods of infertility, delayed parenting or loss noting, “At a time when couples are most vulnerable, hoping and praying, doctors are often precautious, fact-based and borderline pessimistic.” Recognizing that a plethora of support is necessary during the journey, Sparkles of Life offers couples access to mentors; educational chats and forums; grief counseling, music and art therapy; and, events celebrating mothers and mothers-at-heart. Above all else, Rhonda insists that while on the journey couples should “encourage themselves in the Word and not give up too soon.” Perhaps Grace offers the greatest advice to those struggling with infertility “Faith

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without works is dead! While maintaining your faith in God, take action to see a specialist or consider adoption.” And she reminds those who have been blessed with the gift of parenthood, “Even though they may wear it out sometimes, be thankful because there are probably no sweeter words to

hear from a child’s mouth than mom and dad.” Don’t you see that children are GOD’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! (Psalm 127:3-5 MSG)

Tymira Mack is an inspirational speaker, author and primary visionary for the Divas Keepin’ It Real Young Ladies Empowerment Conferences. Ty is best known for her wiliness to be completely transparent as she ministers to women and teens. She resides in South Florida with her husband and their three children.

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What I’ve Learned

Single Dad, Oxymoron No More! Kervin Jean Baptiste

o matter what anybody says, raising children isn’t easy. Whether you have one child or twelve, it’s going to be tough. Add to this the fact that you are a single parent and your life now becomes ten times harder. In today’s world it’s not at all uncommon to see single moms raising their children, but when you are a single father...Huh? What’s that? Whether it’s due to the loss of a spouse, a custody dispute, abandonment or something else, single parenting seems to be happening more and more. I’m currently a single parent due to a joint custody arrangement. However, there are times it seems as though my son’s mother will try anything possible to keep him away from me. Although I’m a reasonable guy, the situation gets really frustrating because it seems as if all my efforts are in vain. It frustrates me when she won’t take reasonability for her part of the blame. And, it frustrates me when she and her family members talk negatively about me to my son, attempting to influence his views of me. Nevertheless, I’ve learned that sometimes GOD leaves a thorn in your side to keep you in prayer. Through my experience, I’ve learned to let go and forgiven a lot of things. I’ve come to realize the reason people behave the way they do is because they are still bitter, hurting and unwilling to forgive. I’ve learned to focus all my energy on doing what’s positive. When I look at my son I keep thanking GOD for allowing me to be a father. Of all the things I have done in my life, this is undoubtedly the best. I make it a point to take him to church, attend doctor appointments and remain involved in his education. His school even nominated me for parent of the year. Before anyone even asks how I’m doing, they always ask about my son. I often find that I have to re-educate people that I’m not a weekend father. My son’s mother and I have an alternating custody arrangement. He is with me for 2 weeks and weekends each month; and, with her the same.

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WHAT I’VE LEARNED IN THE BROKENNESS OF ONE RELATIONSHIP AND THE DESIRE TO BE ACTIVE IN ANOTHER  Any woman that is going through challenges has to understand how important it is to have a father involved in her child’s life; and, fathers have to realize how important it is to be there even if it means working past drama. I remember reading a book that read something like: court papers or child support cannot change people, but prayer can change things. Employing prayer has been my experience.  No matter what, be the bigger or more reasonable person in a difficult you, me and the kid(s) situation. My son repeats everything that I do, so regardless of how I am treated when emotions in my broken relationship with his mother create a negative or bad situation, I have to show him the right way to respond and behave. I do the same in situations that arise with others. I try to teach him not to act in anger, or treat someone with an eye for an eye.  Some things that helped me a lot and I believe will help others are to: 1. Learn how to get in the Word and allow GOD to speak to you. 2. Be patient, we may not like it, but it is necessary. 3. Be persistent, keep practicing temperance, keep loving your child. 4. Practice perseverance, “Perseverance only shows its rewards when a person refuses to quit.” 5. Keep a positive outlook on life. 6. Be consistent in being there for your child and in not adding fuel to the fire. 7. Teach and learn what helps you become a better father and a better man. 8. Set some goals, share them with your child to teach them the same, and do not give up on those goals. THE DATING GAME  One of the very first things I have to say (and it doesn’t apply to every man), if you don’t know how to cook, then learn. If I was dating someone and they knew how to cook I could be hooked. Growing up my father raised me with good work ethics. I have to admit, I struggle in the kitchen but I can guarantee the lights will never be turned off. Providing takes place in the home, as well as from the workplace.  As a man you want to have a woman figure there when raising your child; and, I’m sure it’s the same for women. However, we can’t allow our personal needs to get in the way. If someone accepts me, they must understand they are accepting my son also. He is my priority. If a woman I meet has kids, then I have to understand that her kids are her priority in just the same way as my son is for me.  Communication is key; too many times we jump in with our flesh and later try to figure out, “how did I get here?” THEN we want GOD to fix it. FINALLY I accept the challenges of parenthood and actually love it. I know there are a lot of guys that don’t do what they are supposed to and I wish they would do better. I don’t really think those men know what they are missing. But for the few of us men, who do understand that having a child is a blessing, I applaud us and say no matter what, keep your focus on your child – loving, providing, teaching and nurturing him or her. If you don’t remember anything else, remember this, keep everything before God in prayer and place yourself around fathers and other positive people that are moving and making things happen. 60 | BELOVED

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Never Fails TYMIRA MACK

In the Fear of God H

aving been married almost 16 ½ years, it would seem that writing this month’s column would be a breeze, but it isn’t. The longer I’m married, the more I realize that you never really “master” marriage. Add employment, in-laws, children, finances and plain old life into the mix and all bets are off! For sure some couples manage to live in a prolonged idyllic honeymoon state – seeing everything through fairytale happily ever after lenses. While others sail along on cruise control, adjusting for bumps in the road, temporary storms and slight changes in terrain. Then there are those who live in a constant state of denial – routinely discounting their own happiness, forfeiting deserved respect or denying that their marriages, spouses or children are seriously dysfunctional. And sadly, there are even those who endure a hellish existence, hoping daily that “’til death do us part” will come sooner than later. If we, who have been on this journey for an extended period, are truly honest, we will admit that over a continuum of time, most marriages go through some aspect of each of these scenarios. Notwithstanding, I’ve come to the conclusion that marriage – the process of two becoming one – is by far the most rewarding and challenging covenant relationship that two people can ever enter into. As I write I am reminded of that portion of traditional wedding vows which states that marriage is a covenant that should not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly in the fear of God. And therein lies the key – in the fear of God, for it is our reverence for God that allows us to forgive, the unforgivable; extend grace when we feel neglected or wronged; comfort and lovingly care for each other through sniffles, surgeries and senility; laugh, cheer, cry and pray together; face times of feast and famine as a united front; and hang in there, even if some days by a thread. 62 | | BELOVED BELOVED

I am so truly grateful for the contributors to this issue, for they have each ministered to my heart and my marriage; and, I sincerely pray that their wisdom and insight have done the same for you. Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! For now there are faith, hope, and love. But of these three, the greatest is love. (1 Cor 13:4-8,13 CEV)

Blessings,

Tymira Mack Editor-in-Chief

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