In 2004, I decided to chronicle a year of my life in response to a question many would ask: “So what do you actually do?” I decided to jot down, in small brown cover exercise books (the kind used in primary school), all that I thought and felt and significant experiences I had each day. As I did this, a saw a pattern of thought and a string of emotions pop up throughout the pages, all at once disturbing but also very enlightening. With this new realization, I came to a conclusion that was troubling but also freeing. I was a victim of depression and it was taking a heavy toll on me. Here are some snippets from the five exercise books I finally used up: “Woke up feeling depressed. Guess it is the result of suppressing my frustration due to the brevity of time, the enormity of the task. I sigh a lot, have less motivation to act and feel sad and mentally blank.” (March 12) “Being depress sucks because I keep on sighing and yawning and all my energy is zapped. Worst still is the sense of having heavy sagging cheeks and lips that are continually turned downwards – my face feels so tired.” (July 6) “I am still under this heavy oppressing burden of depression. There’s very little enthusiasm to do anything but what I miss most is the bright positive hope and expectation for life. All there is now is a deep sense of sorrow, discouragement and despair. Pretty bleak emotionally. A dark night for the soul.” (November 4) I think by now you get the picture. I was in this depressed mode for days and even weeks at a time with breaks in between (thank God for that!), with each episode destroying enthusiasm, diminishing hope and zapping me of much needed strength to go through each day. But go through I did and now 13 years later, I must say I am a very different man.
Understanding Depression Depression is a real and treatable illness. Yes, it’s an illness and it so easily hides behind the symptoms, pushing the symptoms to the front as the ‘real’ problem – I thought I was lazy, I had a sleeping problem or maybe my work was not interesting, when all the time I actually was depressed. Do I still get depressed? Yes, I do. The difference is I am aware of what I am facing and that I can do something about it. Depression is an unwelcomed neighbor who occasionally visits but I have learnt how to tolerate his presence and usher him out of my house more quickly and effectively. How do I know depression has come for a visit? One clear sign is when I begin to lose a passion for life and find great difficulty being interested in anything for weeks at a time. During these brooding seasons I also find myself feeling very tired though I have not been involved in any strenuous effort (except dragging myself from the house to the car to go to work). I found myself nodding off and sleeping a lot. I was always seeking opportunities to switch off, to hide in a corner and disappear in sleep. Some of the more common symptoms of depression include a deep sense of sadness or emptiness that just cannot be shaken off (no amount of parties or uplifting songs and talks help), feeling angry and irritable often and for reasons you just can’t seem to put a finger on, feeling anxious about your condition and perceived problems which many a times snowballs into a debilitating sense of hopelessness (there’s nothing I can do and no solution is in sight), not being able to concentrate or remember details (I would be driving to work and suddenly find myself wondering where I was headed to!) and unexplained, persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or gastric problems that don’t respond to normal treatment. All these when added up, makes it very difficult to carry out daily responsibilities, making it so difficult to excel in work, to care for the family or to complete important activities. Sadly, for some, this had led to thoughts of suicide or even suicide attempts.
Contributing Factors Apparently the mother of depression are stressful life events that make you feel helpless, profoundly sad, or overwhelmed. And I could not agree more. Looking back at what I wrote it became apparent that my inability to generate enough income to meet even the basic life necessities of my wife and I was a major inducer of stress that ultimately lead to long seasons of depression. For example, I wrote this in my journal on November 8: “Another depressing day. With almost no spending money, I have decided to cancel all plans to go to Kuching to do some errands. I have also decided to not pay certain bills and to not attend tomorrow’s Toastmasters meeting. This will help me save a few dollars for more pressing needs. I spent most of the day in a state of deep heavy lethargic state.” Constant money problems is a common depression trigger among men (especially for us who believe our role is to provide for the family) and as such an understanding the role money and learning how to generate and manage the money you do have is vital for freedom from depression. I pored over books to find solutions and learnt so much about the small wise steps that can lead to long term financial freedom. It took time and effort but I am glad to be delivered from this powerful depression trigger. Another contributing factor to my depression was a lack of healthy friendships with other men. An introvert by nature, I naturally was a loner but this just made matters worse. This is what I wrote, also on November 8 – “I realized I really don’t have much to look forward to as in good exciting things and I really don’t have any friends. I definitely lack stimulating friendships and activities and it’s (literally) driving me crazy!” My jottings for this day also revealed a third trigger – a lack of stimulating activities, including a healthy exercise routine.
Depression Deflaters Depression can be diffused with some effort. I am thankful for several men who reached out and related to me as an older brother or mentor. Their presence, encouragement and positive confidence in me helped me along my journey out of the valley of depression. They offered me support, understanding, patience, and encouragement by spending time with me, welcoming me into their homes and giving me responsibilities that built my confidence (and at times, helped me put some money in the coffer too). I have tried mountain biking, going to the gym and taking long early morning walks, though not consistently, but every little effort I successfully completed helped improve my disposition. In the end it was the opportunity to exert myself, to get moving and breathing and sweating that made an impact on my emotional and mental well-being. I strongly believe that if you are depressed, one of the best thing to do is to get out of the house and get moving – ride a bicycle, walk around the neighbourhood park or just tinker around in the garden.
I do agree with the health gurus who say regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication in countering the symptoms of depression in men. Take small steps, literally, by just getting out of the house and walking around the neighbourhood. Try doing this especially in the morning – the morning sun and bright light is therapeutic as well. Lastly, when moving, move both your arms and legs.
Today, when I counsel those who are wrestling with depression, I never forget to include this nugget of advice - avoid isolation. When you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your cave. But being around other people will improve your mood. Depression should serve as a reminder that you have failed to make quality time with others a priority. It’s time to schedule family and friends into your life (invite them to visit you, or better still, get out of the house and visit them!). I found it very uplifting whenever I was in the home of a friend, especially in homes where permission to be myself was given and the reminder ‘treat this place like your own’ was repeated often. When with these special people, take the risk to be vulnerable by talking about your feelings. With a little humility, learn to begin by saying, “I am feeling . . .” and see a miracle take place. The simple act of talking to someone face to face about how you feel can be an enormous help. I don’t know how many times the simple act of talking about my feelings just released the burden and poison accumulating in my soul. It is indeed very freeing. So take heart. Be brave and acknowledge you are depressed. Then take the necessary steps towards recovery, which is in your hands.
Peter De Run is a follower of Jesus, a loving husband and caring father, who is presently pastoring a church in Kota Samarahan, Sarawak (on the island of Borneo) and enjoys teaching the Bible and English. He welcomes comments and enquiries posted to peterderun@gmail.com He is available for talks and is happy to share his two cents worth to anyone willing to listen.