Philadelphia City Paper, May 2nd, 2013 by Philadelphia City Paper

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cpstaff

MAY 11 A L’ECOLE FRANCAISE You Will Love Your French Classes & Amaze Yourself! Registration any time and also Saturday, 5/11 from 9am to 12 noon. alecolefrancaise.com 610.660.9645

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We made this

Publisher Nancy Stuski Editor in Chief Theresa Everline Senior Editor Patrick Rapa News Editor Samantha Melamed Arts Editor/Copy Chief Emily Guendelsberger Digital Media Editor/Movies Editor Paulina Reso Food Editor/Listings Editor Caroline Russock Staff Writers Ryan Briggs, Daniel Denvir Assistant Copy Editor Carolyn Wyman Associate Web Producer Carly Szkaradnik Contributors Sam Adams, A.D. Amorosi, Rodney Anonymous, Mary Armstrong, Meg Augustin, Justin Bauer, Shaun Brady, Peter Burwasser, Ryan Carey, Mark Cofta, Jesse Delaney, Alison Dell, Adam Erace, M.J. Fine, David Anthony Fox, Michael Gold, K. Ross Hoffman, Brian Howard, Deni Kasrel, Gary M. Kramer, Drew Lazor, Gair “Dev 79” Marking, Robert McCormick, Andrew Milner, Annette Monnier, Michael Pelusi, Elliott Sharp, Tom Tomorrow, John Vettese, Julia West, Brian Wilensky Editorial Interns Naveed Ahsan, Dotun Akintoye, Jessica Bergman, Marisa Denker, Zoë Kirsch, Kelly Lawler, Joseph Poteracki, Sameer Rao, Marc Snitzer Production Director Michael Polimeno Editorial Art Director Reseca Peskin Senior Designer Evan M. Lopez Editorial Designers Brenna Adams, Matt Egger Staff Photographer Neal Santos Contributing Photographers Jessica Kourkounis, Mark Stehle Contributing Illustrators Ryan Casey, Don Haring Jr., Joel Kimmel, Cameron K. Lewis, Thomas Pitilli, Matthew Smith Human Resources Ron Scully (ext. 210) Circulation Director Mark Burkert (ext. 239) Senior Account Managers Colette Alexandre (ext. 250), Nick Cavanaugh (ext. 260), Sharon MacWilliams (ext. 262), Stephan Sitzai (ext. 258) Account Managers Sara Carano (ext. 228), Jonathan Morein (ext. 249) Marketing/Online Coordinator Jennifer Francano (ext. 252) Office Coordinator/Adult Advertising Sales Alexis Pierce (ext. 234) Founder & Editor Emeritus Bruce Schimmel citypaper.net

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123 Chestnut Street, Third Floor, Phila., PA 19106. 215-735-8444, Tip Line 215-7358444 ext. 241, Letters to the Editor editorial@citypaper.net, Listings Fax 215-8751800, Classified Ads 215-248-CITY, Advertising Fax 215-735-8535, Subscriptions 215-735-8444 ext. 235 Philadelphia City Paper is published and distributed every Thursday in Philadelphia, Montgomery, Chester, Bucks & Delaware Counties, in South Jersey and in Northern Delaware. Philadelphia City Paper is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. Additional copies may be purchased from our main office at $1 per copy. No person may, without prior written permission from Philadelphia City Paper, take more than one copy of each issue. Pennsylvania law prohibits any person from inserting printed material of any kind into any newspaper without the consent of the owner or publisher. Contents copyright © 2013, Philadelphia City Paper. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Philadelphia City Paper assumes no obligation (other than cancellation of charges for actual space occupied) for accidental errors in advertising, but will be glad to furnish a signed letter to the buying public.

contents (Un)lucky dog

The Naked City .........................................................................6 Arts & Entertainment.........................................................28 Movies.........................................................................................35 The Agenda ..............................................................................45 Food & Drink ...........................................................................54 COVER PHOTOGRAPH BY NEAL SANTOS DESIGN BY RESECA PESKIN

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the thebellcurve

city

CP’s Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ - 5 ] According to a new survey, Philadelphia is

the ninth most segregated metropolitan area in the country. “We can do better,” says Philly Mag, in a tone that’s hard to read.

[ - 1 ] The Rev. Kevin Johnson, of North Philly’s

Bright Hope Baptist Church, is disinvited from speaking at Morehouse College after writing a newspaper column critical of President Obama. “All I said was Jonathan Papelbon had some good ideas on how to take our country back.”

[ - 1 ] AshleyMadison.com releases a list of its Philly customers’ top 10 meetup spots, with No. 1 being Barclay Prime. And all the rest being handicap restrooms at the Linc.

[ - 3 ] Documentarians witness a shooting while

filming their This Is Kensington series. “How exciting,” says a guy from the This Is Chestnut Hillcrew.“All we did was sit around eating Mister Softee and making out.”

SCARE TACTICS: Andre Hawkes, shown here with his daughter, was threatened with a warrant over $3,600 in court fees and fines dating back to 2004.

[ - 4 ] A woman faces child-endangerment charg-

es after leaving her 6-year-old unattended in a car with a loaded gun in Kensington. “And just how do you propose the kid was supposed to defend himself?” asks Jonathan Papelbon.

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Philly is the seventh happiest city for young professionals, according to a survey by CareerBliss.com. Aw, that’s so nice! Thanks, stupid survey-churning, click-baiting website nobody’s ever heard of! A policy change allows Philly police to carry higher-powered firearms. “See, we were shooting lots of bad guys,” explains Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey. “But only making teeny-tiny holes in them.”

[ + 2 ] Penn’s Ryan Hospital is honored with a Veter-

inary Trauma Center designation.“Thanks, Obamacare!” says Jonathan Papelbon, and nobody even wants to guess what that’s supposed to mean.

[ + 1 ] Mariel Castro, the daughter of Cuban Pres-

ident Raul Castro, is cleared to travel to Philly to attend Equality Forum. Sorry, Dom Giordano, we know you’re upset, but nobody’s paying attention. You’re the boy who cried “gay socialist foreigner.”

This week’s total: -11 | Last week’s total: -7

NEAL SANTOS

[ courts ]

COLLECT CALLS Courts’ campaign to squeeze poor debtors goes awry. By Daniel Denvir

his past January, Andre Hawkes got the first of several unpleasant phone calls. “We have your name here,” the caller said, explaining that he was collecting old debts for the Philadelphia courts. “If this debt isn’t paid, a warrant could be put on you.” Hawkes’ immediate reaction was a question: Who are you? The answer was much more complicated than he could have imagined. Hawkes was caught up in an aggressive collection effort initiated by the Philadelphia courts — the First Judicial District (FJD) of Pennsylvania — in February 2011. Last October, a City Paper investigation revealed that the program resulted in the harassment of people, often poor, who did not know they owed decades-old debt — or who, in fact, owed nothing at all. Since then, CP’s continued investigation has found that thirdparty collection agencies hired by the FJD — including one agency whose owners owe the city millions of dollars — have threatened alleged debtors with arrest, outsourced work to a questionable subcontractor and engaged in alleged legal improprieties. In November, the FJD temporarily halted third-party debt collections, CP has learned. “We have recalibrated,” says deputy court administrator Dominic Rossi, who oversees collection efforts. “We looked at some

of the things that we implemented right off the bat … and a lot of the issues we’ve experienced.” Rossi, who declined an interview request, refused to specify what “issues” were encountered or what would be “recalibrated.” The collection program was initiated in the wake of the Inquirer’s high-profile 2009 “Justice: Delayed, Dismissed, Denied” investigation, which found that the courts, then administered by the now-defunct Clerk of Quarter Sessions, had failed to collect an estimated $1.5 billion in forfeited bail, fees, fines and restitution dating back to 1971. The Clerk of Quarter Sessions, an elected row office, was abolished in 2010 precisely because of bureaucratic incompetence — yet the FJD is still relying on its records for collections. The results have been Kafka-esque: People have been accused of owing bail related to long-ago missed court dates — during periods when they were actually incarcerated. Others have been chased down for court fees they paid years ago. But shoddy records were only one part of the problem. The FJD appears to have engaged collection agencies without meaningful oversight. Ten law firms submitted bids to FJD to participate in the collections work. The FJD hired all of them, plus two collection firms, and promised a fee of 25 percent of the debt and interest in non-bail cases. The FJD, according to its Request for Proposals, planned to assign each firm 500 cases each month; CP is still attempting to acquire data reflecting how much work each firm received and how

The collection efforts have been Kafka-esque.

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much they were paid. Hawkes was told that he owed $3,600 in court fees and fines, dating back to a 2004 conviction for possession of an illegal gun and drugs “with intent to distribute.” The company, according to Community Legal Services’ (CLS) Suzanne Young, identified itself as Coleman Associates and claimed to represent Convergent, a law firm contracted by the FJD. Reached by phone in Maryland, a man who would only identify himself as “Mr. Connor” confirmed that he had previously worked for a law firm on FJD debt, but would not say which one. Subcontracting is allowed only with the court’s written approval. “They never wanted to give me an address,” says Hawkes. But they did want a credit-card number. “That’s when I started thinking this was some kind of scam or something. I said, ‘I’m not giving you my credit-card number. You’re not even giving me an address.’” Hawkes, now eight years clean and sober, negotiated a $10per-month payment plan directly with the court after seeking help from CLS. He is not, he says, a difficult man to locate, so it is unclear why the courts needed a private firm to track him down. Indeed, it could have violated the court’s own rules, which stipulate that law firms are not to be given accounts until the court and a collection firm have both made unsuccessful attempts. For a man who has turned his life around, the prison threat was chilling. “I don’t have much,” says Hawkes, who has sole custody of his 8year-old child. “I have my little apartment, my car and my daughter. If I get locked up, what’s going to happen to my daughter? It would be kind of devastating if I got locked up and there was no one to pick her up from school.”

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Another former debtor, who asked not to be named, received similar calls in September 2012. The threats were stark: “They’ll take my house if I own a house; if I own a car, they’ll take it.” The company said that she owed more than $100,000. But the woman, who has been off probation for 15 years, had been on a $35per-month payment plan that she set up directly with the courts seven years earlier. The threats only stopped once she contacted a lawyer at CLS. Attorney Douglas G. Aaron of Dion, Rosenau, Smith, Menszak & Aaron mailed a letter to yet another debtor that threatened to “ask the court to issue a bench warrant directing the Sheriff to physically bring you into Court” if she did not respond. Aaron told CP that the FJD had authorized such threats insofar as they are “permissible under the regulations and rules of civil procedure.” He says that the firm has sought bench warrants, but that none were executed before the November moratorium on third-party collections. This debtor, says CLS, was not first contacted by the court. CLS is pleased that FJD suspended third-party collections, but wary of what might happen if and when the third-party collections are restarted, says attorney Rebecca Vallas. She cites “the great hardship that aggressive collections has imposed on very low-income Philadelphians, as well as the documented problems in substantiating much of the debt being sought.” CLS is urging the courts to limit collection efforts to debt not more than five years old, which would exclude the cases mentioned above. The courts say that Mayor Michael Nutter, who declined an interview request, has the power to decide such a policy change.

“They’ll take my house if I own one.”

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feedback From our readers

ORCHESTRAL MANEUVERS We heard happy responses to our cover story about how trumpet player and Temple professor Terell Stafford has formed the Jazz Orchestra of Philadelphia [“Group Dynamic,” Shaun Brady, April 25, 2013]. On citypaper.net, commenter peteinmich wrote: “Philly has a wonderful jazz heritage, and this is a great project. Good luck, Mr. Stafford.” Commenter Herman DeJong wrote: “Terrific. Jazz adds quality of life to patrons and performers. Young musicians need to find opportunities to learn from and harmonize with seasoned players.” After noting the opportunities to hear jazz at places such as university music departments, the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the 23rd Street Cafe, DeJong ended with, “Support jazz any way you can.” ON THE HOUSE In response to our story about the conditions at a halfway house that one man’s family claim are to blame for his death [“System Failure,” Daniel Denvir, April 25, 2013], online commenter phillytomster complained, “It’s a halfway house, not a prison. You can take showers in a halfway house, and if you want to eat, you feed yourself. And a halfway house is worse than prison? Seriously? It’s not anybody’s fault that he overdosed on drugs but his. You can get drugs anywhere if you want them bad enough, even in prison.”

CORRECTION In the story “Gun-Rights Advocates Ready Their Muskets” [April 25, 2013], state Rep. Matt Gabler was quoted incorrectly as saying,“pressure cookers … don’t kill people … evil people do.” Gabler made no reference to pressure cookers in his remarks at the Second Amendment Day rally, and we regret the error. We welcome and encourage your feedback. Mail let-

I Cover My Eyes Damon LanDry FLickr: DamonabnormaL

ters to Feedback, City Paper, 123 Chestnut St., 3rd Floor, Phila., PA 19106. E-mail editorial@citypaper.net or comment online at citypaper.net. Submissions may be edited for clarity and space.

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GRAYS’ AREA We got schooled by former City Paper staff writer Jenn Carbin regarding a favorite Philly topic: neighborhood boundaries. Regarding our annual City Guide, she wrote: “Grays Ferry the neighborhood, as opposed to Grays Ferry Avenue, is not right next to, or interchangeable with, Graduate Hospital. Grays Ferry Avenue is not, for most of its length, part of the GF neighborhood. … Grays Ferry is located west of Point Breeze and south of Center City. Say from 25th to 34th, GF Avenue to Tasker Street. … Our papers should get this right, if new residents and real estate agents don’t always.” Our bad.

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The Inquirer, whose investigation prompted the collection effort, has not dedicated any of its many follow-up articles to the collections controversy. ³ ONE LAW FIRM FJD hired in February 2011

was St. Hill & Associates, which later changed its name to Convergent Legal Group LLC. The courts, which told applicants that their “qualifications” would be judged based on their “experience on similar projects,” will not say whether they examined St. Hill’s history. But a simple Internet search would have raised a number of questions. St. Hill had received $8.3 million in city-backed loans and loan guarantees from the Philadelphia Industrial Development Corp. (PIDC) during the Ed Rendell and John Street administrations. Most of that money was never paid back. St. Hill’s FJD contract was terminated in February 2013, soon after CP began making inquiries into its record. Founded by Jennifer and Tommie St. Hill, the firm was by 2000 “one of the largest AfricanAmerican-owned collection agencies in the nation,” according to a Philadelphia Business Journal article at the time. It collected debts for the Philadelphia Law Department, the Water Revenue Bureau and Philadelphia Gas Works. “Probably a year after we started I knew we had to get large,” Tommie St. Hill told the Journal. “We’re in this business to get rich.” The couple made good political friends, giving hefty donations to Mayor Street and to Mayor Rendell before that. The Street administration, according to a 2001 CP article, awarded St. Hill & Associates one $870,000 no-bid contract to collect back taxes after the couple contributed $24,500 to his re-election campaign. Tommie St. Hill served as press secretary to U.S. Rep. Lucien Blackwell, the late husband of Councilwoman Jannie Blackwell. Jennifer St. Hill’s Philadelphia Deed Service also received $225,000 per year for nearly a decade in “verbal” contracts from Sheriff John Green. But the company came crashing down in 2004 as the city for unknown reasons cancelled its contracts, office rent went unpaid and dozens of employees were laid off. Jennifer St. Hill filed for personal bankruptcy that year: the businesses’ debts, including the outstanding city loans, were guaranteed in the couple’s name. Her case was stuck in bankruptcy court until 2007, but as creditors moved to sell her suburban Wynnewood home in 2006, she secured a $1.3 million loan against it. Fourteen months later, she sued to rescind that loan, arguing that lender and broker fees had not been properly disclosed. In 2010, the U.S. Third Circuit Court of Appeals ruled against her. St. Hill, who did not respond to numerous requests for comment, still owns her $567,000 home. More than a decade ago, says PIDC president John Grady, the city gave PIDC $8.3 million to provide $5.9 million in loans and $2.4 million in loan guarantees to support St. Hill’s expansion. Only $930,000 of the debt was collected, and the rest was written off as uncollectable. PIDC main-

tains a $200,000 claim against the house. “St. Hill & Associates was a successful debt-collection company,” says Tommie St. Hill, who divorced Jennifer St. Hill and left her with the business years before. “We made enough money, closed it down.” In 2008, the Board of Ethics found that IBEW Local 98 had illegally paid him to create anonymous, racially charged flyers attacking then-mayoral candidate Nutter. Contacted last week, Rendell called it “surprising” that the company had received a new contract from city courts. ³ NOT LONG AFTER beginning that contract, St. Hill’s debt collection effort drew accusations of improper behavior from the Philadelphia District Attorney. On May 6, 2011, St. Hill attorney Michael F. Coates wrote a

“We made enough money.” letter to the DA demanding that they fork over revenue from a home on Grays Ferry Avenue that had been seized from convicted drug dealer Larry Francis. Francis owed $53,615.56 in 11-year-old debt to the courts. Coates wanted that, plus interest and attorney fees. The DA — which is allowed by state law to take a property involved in a drug crime, through a civil process known as asset forfeiture — resisted. And the case brought to light numerous troubling practices on the part of St. Hill. Most seriously, Coates failed to properly serve Larry Francis, mailing legal documents only to Francis’ old address, even though he was then locked up in state prison — “a fact,” the DA noted, that is “easily obtainable through public records.” That is the sort of oversight that could lead collectors to seize property >>> continued on page 10

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The changing letterhead included one for a company that did not legally exist. without providing debtors with proper notice. Coates’ demand also offers a window into the large sums of money at stake: $171,755, including $80,085 in debt (raised by more than $26,000 from the original $53,615 without explanation), $57,318 in interest, and a hefty $34,351 in attorneys fees. (The exact value varied across filings because of seeming typos or errors.) Reached last week by phone, Coates told CP that he was “going to give you a call back. I’m actually in the restroom right now.” He never did. The DA also pointed out that the company’s letterhead kept changing: One May 30, 2011, filing identified Coates’ outfit simply as Law Offices, while a May 26 letter was on letterhead of St. Hill Law, LLC, a company that did not legally exist. A June 29 letter was sent on entirely different letterhead: Convergent Legal Group, LLC. Coates testily responded that the DA’s “understanding and analysis of the letterhead” was “wholly impertinent” to the case. But it was not impertinent to their contract with the FJD, which began to evince some concern over the group’s

documentary irregularities. On June 27, 2011, Jennifer St. Hill had sent a letter to the courts asking that the name on the debt collection contract be changed to Convergent, but the newly christened company did not respond to court inquiries until March 16, 2012 — the same day the company registered their business with the city of Philadelphia. The letterhead indicated that the firm was now located in the high-profile Widener Building, just across the street from City Hall and in the same building as the District Attorney. Today, Convergent seems to have disappeared yet again: they have no office in the Widener Building, and a security guard says that he never heard of them. For debtors, the respite might be temporary. (daniel.denvir@citypaper.net) ✚ This article was reported in partner-

ship with The Investigative Fund at The Nation Institute.

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citybeat … finds a meme

PEDAL PUSHER? ³ LAST WEEK AT city budget hearings, District Attorney Seth

Williams put his own twist on what you could call a trending meme in Philly political rhetoric: “We actually had more homicides in Philadelphia last year caused by handguns than all five boroughs of New York. So they had the political will. And the question is: Do we have the political will, or do we just have more bike lanes?” It was far from the first time the topic of bike lanes has come up in relation to Mayor Nutter’s priorities. Take, for another example, a hearing over Council President Darrell Clarke’s proposal to put ads on municipal properties — a plan he says the administration has delayed even though it could generate more than $20 million in revenue. As Clarke made his frustration public, an aide tweeted, “New idea: All revenue-generating, tax-reducing proposals from @ Darrell_Clarke will be submitted under cover of BIKE LANES.” Sometimes, a bike lane isn’t just a bike lane: Critics say the dubious honorific “Mayor Bike Lane” has become shorthand for their view of Nutter: a Center City-focused mayor more interested in burnishing his national image by trumpeting bike shares and the like than in tackling tough issues facing troubled neighborhoods. His intention to bid for the 2024 Olympics, combined with the city’s pitch for $1 billion in bond financing, may offer more evidence. While servicing that proposed debt, the city expects to keep wage costs (miraculously) flat over the next five years and continue underfunding its pension funds. That worries bond analyst Cate

Long: “The structural problems of the city — none of that will be fixed by issuing more debt. It pushes it down the road and gives you short-term relief, but you’ve got to pay the debt back. And if you haven’t fixed your union problem, and you still have the issues with property taxes … my own belief is you got to get the basics in order first.” She says that “a lot of this other stuff is just diversion.” Clarke thinks it’s high time the city gets more creative in generating revenue — a message he’s been pitching for more than a year with little support from the administration. “We have 400 trash trucks” that could be wrapped with ads, Clarke says. “We have 60,000 vacant properties that are not producing a dime of revenue but are costing us money. The only asset we can sell is not the Gas Works. Take LOVE Park garage — we don’t need to be in the parking business.” But he can only pass bills, not set priorities. As for bike lanes, Clarke says, “I don’t know how that can be more of a priority than public safety.” Mayoral spokesman Mark McDonald says Nutter agrees. “The mayor’s top priority is public safety and education, quickly followed by job creation/economic development, and then we’ve got reforming government, making it more efficient. Bike lanes are good things as part of a green, sustainable city of the future.” Which of course they are. But the problem may be in the messaging: Nutter has done an outstanding job of touting the city’s more than 200 miles of bike lanes and our bicycle-commuter numbers. Our gun-violence statistics aren’t nearly so toutable. Still, Andrew Stober, chief of staff at the Mayor’s Office of Transportation and Utilities, says politicos could pick a more appropriate shorthand. “It really strikes me as a false straw man,” Stober says. First off, the

Critics view Nutter as “Mayor Bike Lane.”

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cost of a bike lane isn’t much, and they’re laid down only during other repaving projects: You’re talking about putting down something on the order of one extra line.” Moreover, bike lanes are paid for exclusively with state and federal dollars. As for the proposed $3 million to fund a similarly ridiculed bike-share program, that would be city money (leveraged with up to $8 million more in grants). However, that would come out of the bond- and grantfunded capital budget, not the operating budget that pays for things like District Attorney Office salaries. But most importantly, Stober notes, bike lanes are — like the DA’s office — there for public safety. He points out that in Philly, on average, a pedestrian is hit by a car every five hours. By comparison, so far this year, someone has been a victim of a violent crime on average every hour and 42 minutes. One day, those numbers could change, though. “In places that have seen significant declines in murders, traffic safety has become the next big public-safety issue,” Stober says. “So in places like New York, traffic safety has become a greater priority.” —Samantha Melamed

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WHEN YOUR PUPPY, GETS FAMOUS YOUR LIFE GETS

WEIRD. WORDS BY

says Lindsay haven’t slept in 10 weeks,” rgetic than most ene e Condefer, looking far mor She wears a ld. wou n people in that situatio her French til, Len of ure necklace with a pict fan sent a a — t dan pen a as bulldog puppy, erside of one forewhole bag of them.The und got for Lentil’s four-week arm is covered in a tattoo she Lentil’s severely cleft palbirthday — it’s photorealistic; nd Shane O’Neill does her ate is unmistakable. Her frie harder to get an appointtattoos for free, though “he’s that stupid Ink Master ment with now because he won my dogs on my back … six show,” she jokes. “I have all ing over them.” O’Neill dogs and the Virgin Mary look r current dogs into the fou r’s has been working Condefe asked for something else. “I scene, too. But in March, she puppy and he went viral on was, like,‘Shane, I have this so much and I’m so scared the Internet and I love him t him on me forever!’” I’m gonna lose him, and I wan that tattoo appointment; She brought Lentil along to rly everywhere. At the she brings him with her nea tattoo. Now, he’s grown time, he was smaller than the defer’s been feeding him to about the same size — Con hours, day and night. When through a tube every three ’t have had more than a won this story is published, she e in about three months. couple hours of sleep at a tim ing up for sleeplessness Condefer knew she was sign of heating padsand drove when she packed up a bunch volunteer’s house in New two hours to a fellow rescue years that I’m really goldJersey: “I’ve learned over the rivation, she says. “I can en” when it comes to sleep dep and not sleep for weeks … bottle-feed a litter of puppies do it.” ask any new mom how they — his case is so severe that d ate plic com e mor til’s Len own. His whole litter was he can’t eat or drink on his to the point that a medim, a cleft-palate perfect stor in getting a blood sample cal institution is interested ly it’s really uncommon for a genetic study. “Apparent cted, and it’s even more for an entire litter to be affe e all four deformities — the uncommon for a case to hav ate,” says Condefer. Two nose, the lip, hard and soft pal were handed to Condefer puppies were stillborn, two ruary day. They looked so in a cardboard box that Feb ns,” that she immediately tiny, she said, “like little bea Lentil. named them Edamame and ing up for potential sorsign She also knew she was e them immediately. nam to row — hence the impulse k is that people who care The cruel irony of rescue wor it are self-selecting to someenough about animals to do “I think the general pubtimes have to watch them die. s Condefer. “Sometimes you lic just doesn’t get that,” say

EMILY GUENDELSBERGER OS PHOTOS BY NEAL SANT

“

PERMANENT RECORD: When Lindsay Condefer got this tattoo of Lentil on her forearm in March, the image was bigger than the puppy.

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e a lot of friends. They’ve AND DOES LENTIL ever hav ey that his very expenalready donated enough mon pletely covered, and sive upcoming surgery is com ople are incredible “Pe s. have flooded him with gift t him to have ‘X’ wan y the — with sending packages s, so they mail it to him. special toy that their dog love Which is amazing!” (Note: He’s got buttloads of toys. … nts that might be taken Condefer bookends all stateme legions of fans with effuas complaints about Lentil’s generous and wonderful sive praise for how amazing, ce, we can’t include all of they are. In the interest of spa there.) m these, but please imagine the ’t want people to feel don I e “I made that post becaus e he’ll see everyaus Bec ]. toys like they have to [send

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00 Facebook fans WHY DOES LENTIL have 64,0 Inquirer? “I have no the as — nearly six times as many ’re not doing any“We r. defe clue whatsoever,” says Con e for the past 12 years.” thing differently than we hav er animals from Street She’d done similar stuff for oth ue. The blog where she Tails, her special-needs resc m” just … really took off. writes as Lentil’s “Foster Mo

ndly puppy, the harder being a perfectly formed, frie d. Unless you’re Lentil. it is for that dog to get adopte requests (sometimes borCondefer’s had hundreds of him. dering on demands) to adopt she says. But this peritil,” Len s love ne ryo eve “Yeah, last much longer. “Lentil’s od of mass appeal might not n they come in, they’re whe top teeth are coming in, and points out the little She t.” fron coming straight out the th where teeth are straindots on a close-up of his mou and indeed, it seems he’s ing to emerge from gums — inside-out Sarlacc pit. “So I going to look sort of like an got his friends now.’” always laugh: ‘Good thing he’s

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lthy newborn and wake can bottle-feed a perfectly hea e. … That’s just life, and up an hour later and it’s gon that’s the way that it works.” mals with severe That’s extra true for baby ani mple, frequently exa for health issues; cleft palates, That day in the on. iati hyx lead to pneumonia or asp so severe that onia um pne had car, Edamame already puppy’s lungs when she Condefer could feel fluid in the 17 hours with me,” says picked her up. “She made it ugh everyday life is that Condefer.“What gets me thro ed, and she was loved.” when she died, she was nam was that she was signWhat Condefer didn’t realize this to tens of thousands ing up to type messages like s that still mystify her, of fans after Lentil, for reason the Moment: of py became the Internet’s Pup generous! Lentil will and et swe You guys are all so sure!! Please know, that never ‘go without’ — that’s for thing … your love and it isn’t necessary to send any puppy does not need support is all we need! … One hundreds of toys.

for it, and I wish I did — I “I don’t have an explanation , ‘Foster Mom’s a marketlaugh, because people are, like rent!” She laughs rueing genius!’ And I can’t pay my fans seeking the famous fully. The constant drop-ins from her small pet store, puppy are wreaking havoc on t, it’d be something else. though she says if it wasn’t tha to tell other rescue She wishes she had something asking for advice about operations who have written n, but she’s never been getting Lentil-scale attentio self.“The whole puppy keyed into the cute factor her t I never got. Everyone tha thing is this phenomenon ically-messed-up dogs.” med ior, loves a puppy. I love sen Tails is full of damaged The adoption center at Street al-control shelter; Condefer dogs from the city’s big anim ording to which eye they’re jokes that she picks them “acc to be amputated.” On this missing and which leg needs shi tzu who “started having day, there’s Maxine, a young into a trial adoption, so she grand mal seizures two days pital bills after the family cost us $3,000 last week” in hos l named Jaguar who’s bul pit brought her back; a white tripod after having a carfiguring out how to walk as a ; and Curry, a bald, shivshattered hind leg amputated isn’t detrimental to her ering Chihuahua. Her mange looks awful and smells health, says Condefer: “It just ry’s head, switching to a real bad.” She scratches Cur lls so bad.” puppy-talk voice.“Aw, it sme d to have a harder time The dogs at Street Tails ten s a dog is away from finding homes — the more step

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er WEE HOURS: Condef ft cle se who til, Len h wit ds to palate means he nee every be fed through a tube night. three hours, day and e She says she has no clu why Lentil became an online celebrity.

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LENTIL GETS ABOUST A DOZEN PILGRIM A DAY.

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THREE DOG NIGHT: Some of the residents at Street Tails who don’t get hundreds of toys in the mail (clockwise): Maxine, a shi tzu who started having grand mal seizures a couple days into a trial adoption; Curry, a Chihuahua who’s bald because of a case of mange; and pit bull Jaguar, a recent amputee who is, uh, happy to see you. All three, like all Street Tails dogs, come from Philly’s big ACCT animal-control shelter.

rything, but you know thing and he’ll play with eve it.” She just wanted to be of all d what? He doesn’t nee t of the hundreds of toys clear with the fans that mos ally being passed on to she was getting were eventu ls. “I would hope that non-famous dogs at Street Tai better — like,‘Oh, I didn’t would make people feel even e day, I let 12 dogs have an let one dog have an awesom awesome day.’” has so much support. She continues, “I love that he Lentil’s too young to have But some people don’t get it.” his cleft palate leaves him had all his vaccinations, and , like Edamame. “Over my prone to getting pneumonia health just because somedead body will I sacrifice his one wants to meet him.” g she didn’t realize She’s referring to another thin a quasi-fugitive from ng she was signing up for: becomi ings changed when “Th s. fan her puppy’s many devoted nge Internet thing,” she [Lentil] turned into this stra h this writer, she’s actively says. When she meets up wit ’s been staking out dodging one persistent fan who hing Lentil at Street Liberties Walk in hopes of catc r usually brings Lentil Tails or Chic Petique. Condefe ’s getting a weird vibe with her everywhere, but she ’s left the dog home. she about this particular fan, so Lentil pilgrim appeared THE FIRST UNANNOUNCED t up, she says, “and it the day the Facebook page wen She estimates her storejust gets worse and worse.” pilgrims a day, more on fronts now get a dozen Lentil hard. I can’t work in my weekends. “It’s gotten really payroll, which she already shop anymore,” she says; her ugh the roof. But she’s thro struggled to make, has gone financial purposes. for til Len adamant about not using le quantity, and fans Lentil is a hugely marketab ey to cover his surgeries quickly chipped in enough mon is all going to charities and more. However, the excess Network, who arranged — the French Bulldog Rescue t benefits kids with cleft Lentil’s rescue; a charity tha Tails adoption center. palates; the rent on the Street e were my two full-time “Street Tails and Chic Petiqu took on a third,” says I py jobs, and then with the pup constantly pinging phone. Condefer. She gestures at her th one, which is Facebook.” “I wasn’t counting on this four high-maintenance as Lentil’s fans seem nearly as through a tube eight times Lentil. Just as he needs milk ts, photos and videos on a day, they’re hungry for pos and Twitter account, all of Lentil’s Facebook page, blog updating. “I have to! People which Condefer is constantly people get nervous.” When — get angry! Well, not angry up her daily post wishing she’s less than prompt putting ’s peppered with questions everyone good morning, she ing OK? Is Lentil OK? from worried fans: Is everyth od morning” posts are It’s a valid concern. The “go saying “Lentil didn’t die essentially a cheerier way of last night.” page 20 • • • continued on

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Spoil Me

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Great Dog For Good Home.

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defer. “Even right now, he’s “I LIVE IN FEAR,” says Con home and he vomited and not next to me, so I could go hasn’t let anyone babysit — it’s done.” This is why she sleep: She imagines askwhile she gets a full night of you take him and feed can ing, “‘I just want to sleep, ing happens … I would eth som him?’ And, God forbid, never forgive myself.” in the public eye since Lentil’s fragile life has been Network put up a page for the French Bulldog Rescue k old. “I get why they did him when he was about a wee clearly going to need that!” says Condefer — he was to start raising the ted wan serious surgery, and they generally doesn’t she r, eve money immediately. How

“I COULD GO HOME AND HE VOMITED, AND IT’S DONE.”

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lic eye until she feels put young animals in the pub to live, and “wouldn’t have fairly certain they’re going until he was older.” This told the world about Lentil terrifying. amount of attention is slightly incredibly protecare s Most of Lentil’s 64,000 fan so ago, Condefer or k wee A tive of their “little bean.” series of concerts and posted about Lentil Fest, the the city this weekend. fundraisers going on around y don’t you get surgery “This one poor soul writes, ‘Wh

ing him?’ … I’m, like, ‘Oh for this dog instead of exploit g to get firebombed.’” goin is se my God, this guy’s hou ds of people flaming the She calmed down the hundre little irritated: “Seriously, guy, despite still sounding a lly? I should get this dog you expect me to be, like, ‘Rea t about that!’” surgery? I hadn’t even though ION to what the back SWALLOW, AND PAY ATTENT ’s your soft palate, a sort of your throat is doing.That from getting into your of trapdoor that prevents air into your lungs and stomach and food from getting messed up that anything nose. Lentil’s soft palate is so ut a 50/50 chance of being he puts in his mouth has abo inhaled instead of swallowed. photos, you might think Going by just the videos and te is mostly just weirdthat Lentil’s famous cleft pala that this is profoundly looking. In person, it’s clear and as he frolics around disabling. Lentil is teething, once a minute, he will try Condefer’s backyard, about stick. Either Condefer or a to chew a blade of grass or a ing him, will then lean over friend, taking turns shadow mouth, lest it accidentally and gently pluck it out of his go into his lungs. g, when he went in for But this past Monday mornin n Vet, Lentil reaped the a surgery consultation at Pen g feeding regimen: At rewards of Condefer’s gruelin n big enough to undergo 6.5 pounds, he was more tha ate. (Before seeing the surgery to fix his cleft pal ing that he would be hop him, the surgeon had been

surgery is scheduled at least 3.5 pounds.) Lentil’s “totally confident about for May 28. The surgeon was s Condefer. If all goes well, being able to help him,” say king like a normal dog by he could be eating and drin the Fourth of July. sort of like a Sarlacc But Lentil’s still going to look repair the plumbing, nothpit — the surgery is only to his cleft lip. He said, ‘We ing cosmetic. “We discussed tive surgery.’ And I’m, can fix it, but that’ll be an elec anything.’ We want him like, ‘Nope! Not doing elective amount of time possible.” under anesthesia the least stion is if they’ll allow Her worry? “Now the big que , like, ‘I can’t leave him!’” me to stay overnight — I was have had a full night’s At the end of May, she won’t He’ll be surrounded by sleep for over four months. geons at this particular some of the world’s best sur a chance to finally get operation. Wouldn’t this be some rest? r. “I’ll be in a panic! ‘Oh Not a chance, says Condefe re he is, he doesn’t know my God, he doesn’t know whe eating on his own, maybe these people.’” Once he starts now, she’s staying awake — then she’ll sleep. But for I now have this bond. … I and sticking close.“Lentil and er lived a life without nev go everywhere with him; he’s ther as a team.” toge t tha me. So we move forward on (emilyg@citypaper.net) es; for day, May 5, at various venu •Lentil Fest runs through Sun and exclusive videos of ery gall a For est. ntilf y/le details, see ph.l lentil. Lentil, check out citypaper.net/

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Get Better, Look Better, Feel Better!

DENTISTRY FOR LIFE

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a l su p p le

At Dr. Barry Dubin’s Dentistry for Life & Sedation Dentistry Center, discover anxiety-free dental care! If the thought of a dental exam makes you squirm, shudder, or even panic, you are not alone. Dental anxiety keeps many people from visiting the dentist. Unfortunately, putting off necessary dental care can place your overall health at risk. Contemporary dentistry offers a way for patients to receive dental treatment without fear, anxiety, or discomfort. In addition to removing fear and anxiety from the dental experience, anxiety-free dentistry allows Dr. Barry Dubin to perform more dental work in a single visit than would otherwise be possible. This is an added benefit for those who have busy schedules that do not allow them to attend multiple, frequent appointments. If you think that anxiety-free dental care is what you need, please don’t hesitate to call us. Check out our website, www.dentistryforlife.net, for more information or call us right now at (215) 575-0550.

LIVING ARTS DANCE & FITNESS STUDIOS Living Arts Dance & Fitness Studios’ mission is to provide affordable performing arts, martial arts and fitness programs for all. Living Arts offers a

number of dance classes and programs for students of all ages, specializing in adult dance and fitness classes, youth dance classes, wedding dance lessons, martial arts, summer camps and much more. Living Arts is different from most dance studios because the classes are primarily for those with little or no experience. The studio is private and comfortable, allowing adults to receive the lessons they have always wanted without feeling intimidated by a professional dance environment. Adult dance classes are geared for fitness and to burn calories with a wide variety of popular lessons like Belly Dance, Zumba, Hip-Hop, BUTI Yoga and Pole Fitness. Children are encouraged to explore, and are introduced to the arts in a fun and creative way while still learning classical dance styles such as Ballet, Jazz, Tap, Tumbling & Hip-Hop. Living Arts also provides professional studio classes in facilities throughout Philadelphia. Living Arts Dance & Fitness Studios is conveniently located in Northern Liberties with free parking and child watch services available. Visit www.LivingArtsDance.com for all the details of this wonderful program. It is an affordable, one-stop shop for your whole family!

MOYAMENSING DENTAL Since opening our doors in 2005, Moyamensing Dentistry has attracted more than 22,000

new, unique dental patients. We are seven doctors who pride ourselves on paying attention to your individual dental needs. While others refer most of our new patients, we continually strive to introduce ourselves to new people from the area. We have been very successful in that regard. We offer minimally invasive dental care. What this means is that we strive to provide you with the simplest way of getting your teeth back in top condition. Our treatment is designed to avoid ”breaking the bank.” Prevention and early intervention is our mantra. We prevent dental problems rather than create extensive need for repairs. Several patients have told us, “You know, Doc, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. But this office is quite plain. And it’s a bit refreshing.” Yes, dear reader, we do stand out. We don’t sell any toothpaste or vitamins. We don’t have the in-office displays for mouthwash and dental floss. We leave all that paraphernalia to your local drug store! In fact, a few years back we made an arrangement with the drug store around the corner. We agreed not to hand out toothbrushes over here, providing they agreed not to pull any teeth over there. So far, it is working just fine. We focus on dental solutions. And we keep ourselves fairly busy doing just that. The delivery of dental services is our game. And we play it quite well. Dentistry is a personal service. We are aware of the

importance of personal relationships within the healing arts.Your trust is very important to us. We typically offer you a same day or next day appointment. This way you can get a game plan to fix that problem. You are encouraged to bring our x-rays to your brother-in-law’s dentist. Shop it around. Check us out. We will perform services quickly, economically, and with a standard of excellence. One very lovely lady came over here asking about some of that “Extreme Dentistry.” She was referring to her friend who arrived here one morning with several front teeth broken off at the gum line.This patient walked back out of the office within a few hours with those teeth restored. To her friend’s amazement, these are not removable teeth.This was not a denture. These are teeth that are permanently embedded into her mouth. Now for some of our more sophisticated dental consumers, you are thinking, “Ah, yes, teeth in a day. That’s dental implants. That’s a great dental solution. That’s nothing new.” Yes, you are correct. That’s a part of modern dentistry. Unfortunately, when you get the price tag, you realize that now you have to sell your car and mortgage your house to pay for it. So there you are riding around town with the best looking smile on the Route 57 bus line. Now this place is different. It is a neighborhood place. We don’t have many of those high-falutin’ dental fees. Our patients are our neighbors, people >> CONTINUED ON PAGE 26

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just like you and me. They are busy trying to balance their budgets and trying to cope with the ever-increasing cost of everything. So here we are, affordably restoring teeth. That’s our market. For those teeth broken off at the gum line, our approach includes root canal therapy and then we reinforce the root with a dental post. A post is not an implant because it fits inside your root and not up against your jawbone. It is more like rebar (reinforcing bars), used in high-rise construction. Except of course, ours are much, much smaller. So we install the rebar and then we craft a composite tooth to simulate what snapped off while you were eating that stale bagel. And we use some state of the art dental armamentarium to accomplish this. Bottom line: it doesn’t break the bank. It is affordable. It does the trick. So when you are in the neighborhood stop by and say hello. We will be looking for you, right over here at Moyamensing Dentistry.

PHILADELPHIA DENTAL COSMETICS Philadelphia Dental Cosmetics – Minimum Visits, Maximum Results! The face of dentistry has changed forever; if you haven’t seen what’s new, you’re being left behind. CAD/CAM, virtual imaging dentistry - less work performed in your mouth and more on the computer screen. This means one-appointment porcelain crowns and one-appointment root canal treatment. Laser soft tissue surgery no stitches, no bleeding and you can get rid of a “gummy smile” in less than an hour. DentalVibe – discover painless injections! Environmentally sound -paperless records, digital x-rays, no waste and no toxic chemicals. White fillings, porcelain veneers and Invisalign - all part of what we offer you, in one office, with one great dentist.

PHILADELPHIA INSTITUTE FOR INDIVIDUAL RELATIONAL & SEX THERAPY (PHIIRST) Philadelphia Institute for Individual Relational & Sex Therapy is a counseling, therapy and training center dedicated to helping people work through life’s unique challenges. We are a practice of highly trained and specialized therapists dedicated to helping people gain greater insight and create greater joy in their lives. We provide services for individuals, families and all types of relationships. Psychotherapy can be useful for many interpersonal and intrapersonal problems. We offer services to individuals, people who are married or have partners, those living together, considering future commitments, and those who are currently dating. We also provide couples therapy to people who are no longer together but wish to resolve their issues in order to co-parent or to resume their relationship.We know that life’s challenges can often be complex and profoundly emotional. The therapists at PhIIRST offer a wide range of services. We are located nearby in the heart of Philadelphia in Rittenhouse Square. To find out more go to www. phiirst.com or call us at 267-519-0241.

UPENN What is the most important thing you can do to improve your Quality of Life? Improve your Health! And if you smoke cigarettes, the best way to improve your health is to quit. Easier said than done, right? At UPENN we are conducting smoking cessation research studies that may help you increase your chances of quitting smoking. Check out our ad and give us a call at 215-222-3200, extension 199 or 204.

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JULIE!

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ADOP

1-2 YEARS OLD

I’m Julie, a laid-back, affectionate cat who was abandoned at the shelter. I’m only 1 or 2 years old, but I’m calm and low-key beyond my years. I like to simply lounge around and watch the world go by. Could I be the cat for you?

Located on the corner of 2nd and Arch.

All PAWS animals are spayed/neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped before adoption. For more information, call 215-238-9901 ext. 30 or email adoptions@phillypaws.org

CALL TODAY! 215-575-0550 1601 Walnut St., Suite 1217, Philadelphia, PA 19102

www.DentistryForLife.net

Call today to see if you qualify 215-222-3200 ext 199 or 204 Ask for Josh or Barbara

Center for Studies of Addiction 3900 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia

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If you are ready to quit you don’t have to do it alone. The Center for Studies of Addiction at the University of Pennsylvania may be able to help. We are conducting a research study for healthy 18-60 year old men and women who have been smokers for at least 6 months. Participants in this study may receive a medication to help them quit. There is no cost to you, and you will be compensated for your time and travel.

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artsmusicmoviesmayhem

icepack By A.D. Amorosi

³ THIS CITY STILL holds many mysteries.What’s

the truth behind the Philadelphia Experiment? Who could dream of a Rocky musical on Broadway? What is the Wetherill Mansion? While we’ll never solve those first two, but answers to that last question unfold during May 3’s “Spring at the Mansion” fundraiser at Wetherill, better known as the Philadelphia Art Alliance on Rittenhouse Square. Urban planner Janice Woodcock (PAA interim executive director) and promotional maven Nicole Cashman (PAA board member/event chair) have been getting to the bottom of things now that there’s new management and businesses (like Parlor Shop consignment) afoot. While working on plans to rehab its grand piano and historic murals, Woodcock discovered that Wetherill’s sitting room became the men’s parlor when the building was donated to the Art Alliance in 1926. “While other ground-floor spaces served as living rooms for all members, the men’s parlor was off-limits to women,” she says. Harrumph. Cashman assures me May 3’s gala, with food by Nick Elmi, will be a “progressive event that takes guests through a journey of the impressive property,” concluding with dessert in a final hidden location inside the mansion. Sounds spooky, but it’s not the only mystery at Wetherill, according to Woodcock: “The two columns in the front of the mansion are made up of different patterns. The grapevine is even until the top of the column, where the vine and grapes seem to become mismatched.” It looks intentional, but why? Weird. ³ My favorite gossip of the week involves realtor David Cohen; the owner of South Third Street’s legendarily decadent Revival afterhours nightclub is giving it one more shot. Intimates of Cohen say he’s been looking at one Callowhill location as well as a venue within Center City’s limits. Yum. ³ Glammy actress Jess Conda wrote to tell me that she’ll be moving from her position as BRAT Productions’ associate AD to its big magillah artistic director. What of BRAT’s fire-starter, Madi Distefano? “Madi is stepping down to move to Texas and pursue wacky art/life adventures,” says Conda. Cool for all concerned. ³ “May the 4th Be With You” is the name of Miller Rothlein’s 2013 Cinco De MIRO Dance Fundraiser on May 4 at Spruce Street’s William Way Center.The highlight of the annual event is when civilians compete in a danceoff, this year featuring nine Philadelphians taking the floor with the likes of “Tess Tickle” (the drag alter ego of MIRO dancer Paul Struck) and MIRO artistic director Amanda Miller.Look for sensational judges such as Elizabeth Coffey (Pink Flamingos, Female Troubles),who used to bartend at Lickety Split. ³ Strengthen your filthiness at citypaper. net/criticalmass. (a_amorosi@citypaper.net)

POST SCRIPT: Three months after Father Divine wrote his letter to Emperor Hirohito, the atomic bombs dropped and Japan surrendered. MARK STEHLE

show+tell By Joseph Poteracki

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, GOD FATHER DIVINE’S V-LETTER TO HIROHITO | Salvaged from the

Divine Lorraine hotel

³ I, REV. M.J. DIVINE, known throughout the universe as FATHER

DIVINE, for humanity’s sake and the redemption of millions of human bodies, do hereby request, appeal and demand of you and yours an immediate unconditional surrender … So begins the letter that spiritual leader Father Divine wrote to Emperor Hirohito at the close of World War II. His message is brief but substantial, and indicative of the Reverend’s strange, undeniable power with language. It’s unsurprising that he tended to be a bit grand — he had declared himself a god in 1912. In a café in Fairmount, Bob Beaty, founder of Provenance Architecturals, shows me a framed, enlarged copy of the letter he and his fellow salvagers found when clearing out the ruins of the Divine Lorraine. Reverend Major Jealous Divine passed away in 1965, but his presence is still felt in vacant Philly landmarks like the Divine Lorraine and Divine Tracy hotels. He’s buried in Gladwyne at the Woodmont Estate, where his widow, Mother Divine, and the dwindling remnants of the Peace Mission Movement still live and

work in communal peace. His movement has often been called a cult, and like many cult leaders before and after him, he and his followers believed he was God in human form. (Jim Jones tried to co-opt the Peace Mission Movement in 1971, claiming to be Father Divine reincarnated.) Similarly, every Japanese Emperor was believed to be a living god or, at least, a descendant of the sun goddess Amaterasu. Hirohito, though he didn’t believe it personally, was required to claim divinity as justification for the throne and for Japanese imperialism. So what happens when a god in Philadelphia challenges the legitimacy of a god in Japan? One of them becomes human. Father Divine penned his letter on May 7, 1945. Three months later, Japan surrendered. In January 1946, Hirohito issued, at the request of General MacArthur, his famous “Humanity Declaration,” an imperial rescript renouncing his god-status. The outcome seems perfectly natural to Roger Klaus, who lives at the Woodmont Estate and does odd jobs there. “[The letter] was a word of warning to Hirohito that he should surrender unconditionally,” Klaus says. “I don’t know if at that time the prediction of the atomic bomb was in the media. But Father Divine had an intuition, that’s for sure.” Still a devout believer, Klaus recently emailed President Obama regarding the North Korean threat, including the contents of Father Divine’s letter as an example. As with most holy relics, the origins of the letter are mysterious at

“Father Divine had an intuition, that’s for sure.”

>>> continued on page 30

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[ for the redemption of millions of human bodies ] ³ electronic/juke/future bass

Praxis Makes Perfect (Lex), the second straight synth-pop bio-opera from Neon Neon — Super Furry Animal Gruff Rhys plus avanthip-hop producer Boom Bip — takes on the life of Italian publisher and communist activist Giangiacomo Feltrinelli. It’s not quite as natural a fit as their ’80s-steeped homage to John DeLorean — most of the sounds here post-date the subject’s 1972 death — but it works, both as an offbeat lefty history lesson (check the eyebrow-raising “Hoops With Fidel”) and as a sweet batch of yacht-friendly soft-pop and endearingly stiff, cheeky Euro-disco. —K. Ross Hoffman

Don’t bother trying to figure out Chrissy Murderbot.The Chicago DJ/producer/

dance-music savant’s latest release consists of seven entirely new cuts and seven wide-ranging remixes, and — for no particular reason — it’s titled Greatest Hits ***** (Murder Channel). That gleeful, extravagant absurdity carries over into the music, which piles on the goofball catchphrases (“after the party it’s the Waffle House”), sci-fi lazer FX and incongruously emotive soul vocals atop skittering juke and jackhammering jungle breaks. —K. Ross Hoffman

³ blues/pop Gina Sicilia should have a trail of adoring high school girls drag-

ging guitars behind her, especially here in her hometown. This mid20s blues chanteuse projects everything a young singer/songwriter aspires to. It Wasn’t Real (SwingNation/VizzTone) is pure confidence via perfect voice command; full, mature and powerful in shouts as well as sad little ornaments. Blues is at the core, with occasional sidesteps like the 21st-century doo-wop earworm “Oh Me, Oh My.” Sicilia is shooting a live concert DVD May 3 at Chaplin’s Music Café —Mary Armstrong in Spring City (chaplinsmusiccafe.com).

flickpick

³ blu-ray Going beyond a simple director’s cut, the 2005 restoration of Sam Peckinpah’s Major Dundee returned 13 minutes to his mutilated cavalry epic and replaced its bombastic Mitch Miller score with one that brings out the film’s anti-jingoistic undertones. Twilight Time’s Blu-ray includes both versions. Even restored, Dundee is an intriguing failure, with Charlton Heston as an exiled Union officer obsessively pursuing a vengeful Apache chief. But it’s fascinating to watch Peckinpah wrestle with the conflicts he’d explore more fully in The Wild Bunch and Straw Dogs. —Sam Adams

[ movie review ]

THE RELUCTANT FUNDAMENTALIST [ B- ] “I’M A LOVER of America,” Changez (Riz Ahmed) tells journalist Bobby (Liev

Formulating questions about identity.

Now a month old in my memory, it still haunts me. ³ LIKE ALL OTHER music lovers, fans of the classical genre are prone to the rather silly game of ranking performers and composers. Even the haughty New York Times published a 10-best list of composers a few years ago (for which they received much ridicule). For me, the best music tends to be the most recent great performance. My favorite Mozart opera is usually the last one I attended. As for composers, I’ve long been a Mozart worshiper, but at the moment I’m bewitched by J. S. Bach. The Philadelphia Orchestra performance of the St. Matthew Passion, now a month old in my memory, still haunts me. I was apprehensive about the performance going in. Our new music director, Yannick Nézet-Séguin, seems to have a weakness for theatrics, and the idea of a semi-staged St. Matthew sounded pretentious. It turned out to be a completely dignified and deeply moving production, even revelatory, and Nézet-Séguin’s handling of the three-hour masterpiece reflected a profound understanding of the structure and dramatic contours of the work. A passion play is intensely theatrical, of course. Regardless of one’s religious inclinations (my own are indifferent at best), it is impossible not to be affected by the raw emotions that Bach portrays in Christ’s journey to his crucifixion.There are blistering expressions of betrayal, devotion, bliss, grief; I know of no great opera that bests Bach’s ability to present the totality of the human condition in music. If you missed this performance but want to experience Bach live, good news: The venerable Bach Festival of Philadelphia (bach-fest.org) is currently underway. This weekend offers three concerts in a variety of formats and styles. Saturday afternoon features a program of secular music, in a range of chamber music groupings. That evening, Renaissance ensemble Piffaro will explore music later adapted by Bach; expect familiar tunes. The festival concludes with a massive work generally considered to be the worthy companion to the St. Matthew Passion, the grand Mass in B minor. This work is as jubilant and uplifting as the “Passion” is inward looking. As Matthew Glandorf, who will conduct the performance by Choral Arts Philadelphia and Philadelphia Bach Collegium, so nicely puts it, “listening to the Mass somehow reminds us all how good it is to be alive.” (p_burwasser@citypaper.net)

SUIT YOURSELF: Riz Ahmed plays a ruthless Wall Street analyst who becomes a conflicted firebrand after Sept. 11.

MASS EFFECT

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Schreiber) as they sip chai in a spartan Lahore student cafe, “although I was raised to feel very Pakistani.” Since director Mira Nair specializes in formulating questions about identity, it’s an effective nut graf for her adaptation of Mohsin Hamid’s best-seller. Like the statement itself, The Reluctant Fundamentalist is paradoxical, but the personalities filling the space between disparate traditions are too inconsistent to land squarely. Born into modest middle-class comfort in Pakistan, Changez is established as a pragmatist, his interest in Western business culture at odds with his literary father’s artistic heart. Securing a visa and admission to Princeton, the charismatic student makes an immediate impression on Jim Cross (Kiefer Sutherland), who hires Changez as an analyst at his Wall Street firm. He proves himself to be a ruthless addition to the team, gutting international companies to boost profits. Changez becomes more and more assimilated, even entering a relationship with Erica (Kate Hudson), the fragile niece of his company’s CEO. But the tragedies of Sept. 11 and the subsequent xenophobia Changez experiences force him to question America’s role in Indo-Pak relations, leading him back to a university teaching post in Lahore. Bobby’s letting on that his interviewee is a person of interest in the kidnapping of an American professor ignites a flashback-addled fight between personal truths.Ahmed is commanding as the conflicted firebrand, his torment over who he could be versus who he should be both buoyant and believable. The same can’t be said for most everyone else. Sutherland’s suited-and-booted boss, Hudson’s whimpering head case and Schreiber’s gruff-and-tumble journo just aren’t three-dimensional enough to do Ahmed any favors. —Drew Lazor

suitespot Peter Burwasser on classical

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art , & history

GEEKS MEET?

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The CHF

Museum on

First Fridays! every First Friday,

March through December 5 to 8 p.m.

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✚ Show + Tell <<< continued from page 28

The letter’s murky history is part of its fascination. best. We know for sure that it was published in the Mission’s newspaper, The New Day. Bob Beaty keeps his particular framed copy in his home for safekeeping. A digital version of the letter may be read at what appears to be an older Peace Mission Movement website. As for as the original, handwritten letter, it’s believed to be in Woodmont’s archives, but it’s hard to say. Did the letter actually reach the Emperor Hirohito? Did it even leave the U.S.? According to a May 26 edition of Baltimore’s Afro-American newspaper, the letter was deemed “not deliverable” under the era’s wartime “post office rulings.” It’s possible the letter reached the Japanese Embassy in Washington, but the building was in a constant state of flux, held by neutral parties like Spain and Switzerland while many of its personnel were interned elsewhere. It’s not clear whether Father Divine even attempted to mail his letter given these conditions. Like Father Divine himself — whose birth name and hometown have never been verified — the letter’s murky history is a large part of its fascination. But its power goes deeper than mere curiosity. Leonard Primiano, chair of Religious Studies at Cabrini College, is a leading expert on the Peace Mission Movement and has much to say about the letter’s greater significance to Divine’s camp and to the American public. Divine, according to Primiano, may have wanted to demonstrate his awareness of the suffering and anxieties in this period of world conflict, and actually spoke about German and Japanese aggression often during his weekly sermons. “[He] was appreciated as a protector of his adherents,” Primiano explains, “and big public statements like the proclamation of this letter accentuated that he was an ‘ON-TIME GOD,’ as the members proclaim, that he was watching over the world and using his power to protect righteous people ‘right here and right now.’” Whether or not he was a charlatan, as some have said, Divine’s letter was one of many grand gestures that, to his people, represented a triumph for peace and ethnic harmony. ✚ Got a Show + Tell suggestion? Write to emilyg@

citypaper.net, or on Twitter @emilygee.

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…and never miss the chance to enrich it!

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Celebrate Life!

ADULT AND PEDIATRIC HOSPICE CARE

³ “WE FOUND THE perfect partner in crime in [fiddler] Ben Lewis!” says guitarist John Weathers of Narberth, who co-founded Stolen Thyme with his wife, banjoist Stacy Oltisky, and Lewis. Lewis, who studied music theory at Vassar, lets the band “play old-time tunes without the boundaries,” says Weathers. “I can throw in some dissonance on the guitar. Ben loves the modals and minors. It’s been liberating.” The husband-and-wife team met at Wesleyan University in Connecticut as undergrads. Olitsky hails from Havertown and says it was a wandering minstrel at the Folk Festival who inspired her to pick up the banjo. Weathers grew up in Nashville, son of a mother who knew firsthand what downhome farming and dirt poor meant. She warned him off anything country, but Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix from his dad’s collection were OK. “I played trumpet and piano. She didn’t buy me a guitar until I was a junior in college. When I asked her why, she said, ‘I didn’t want you to drop out and go to L.A.’” He and Olitsky spent a couple months in Egypt and Israel after college. “Long nights in the Sinai with local musicians. The Bedouins, tents and tea,” he recalls. “We were blessed to get that exposure.” Today Weathers’ day job still involves Egypt,

[ arts & entertainment ]

Stolen Thyme

employing his doctorate in education policy to develop science and math education there. Prior to Sunday’s concert, the kids program will feature a guest appearance by Weathers’ and Olitsky’s daughter, Rose. “Quite the young fiddler,” her dad proclaims, noting “there is nothing like a fiddle tune to get kids up and dancing.” —Mary Armstrong ✚ Stolen Thyme, Sun., May 5, 7:30

p.m., $5-$15; kids show, 6 p.m., free; Rotunda, 4014 Walnut St., 215-7291028, crossroadsconcerts.org.

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By Holly Otterbein

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³ PRACTICE GALLERY Sean Starwars ridicules hideous men. In his woodcut Frankenberry vs. the Klan (above), KKK members menacingly surround Franken Berry, a mascot for General Mills’ line of monsterthemed cereal. One Klan member holds a sign: “Monster Go Home.” Another holds a shovel. The woodcut’s deceptively upbeat, neon colors add to the absurdity of the situation. Curator Peter Morgan says the piece strips the KKK of its power by poking fun at it. “It makes light of them,” he says. “You’re not necessarily looking at them as this scary thing anymore.” Starwars’ piece is part of “Monster(ositie)s?,” an exhibit featuring a hodgepodge of painters and sculptors, an architect and a woodcut artist, all joined by a common obsession with monsters. Martin Baker’s large-scale paintings depict petty thieves and serial killers. He doesn’t have to look far for inspiration: He’s a criminal defense lawyer. Kim Tucker’s ceramic sculptures, meanwhile, depict animals with growths all over their bodies. They’re a perfect fit for the show, Morgan explains. “They are commercial models or toys she bought,” he says. “Then she reassembles them, in a Frankenstein-monster kind of a way.” But not everything is so obviously monstrous. Just look at public artist Emily Stover, who does odd things with dough. “She puts it into these cages and it sort of expands and falls all over the place,” says Morgan. “That’s sort of grotesque.” Through May 26, opening Fri., May 3, 6 p.m., 319 N. 11th St., second floor, practicegallery.org.

³ ARTSPACE LIBERTI Michelle Oosterbaan has a theory: People behave differently when they’re on a subway car than they do, say, out in the wilderness. It’s not just because SEPTA sucks: When your visual perspective changes, she says, so does your mental perspective. In “Margins of Midnight,” Oosterbaan has created an installation of abstract paintings on paper and wood that forces viewers to literally change the way they’re looking at things. Mostly, that’s because they have to walk along a 45-foot-long wall to take in the installation. They’ll also have to crane their necks to get a good look at the piece’s assorted geometrical shapes.

“The 3- or 4-foot scale I’m working at makes the viewer move around,” she says. “I’m interested in that theater of space.” Oosterbaan’s head-turning colors will get people moving, too. She says many of the electric hues were inspired by a trip to Iceland. “The sun would not set until 3 in the morning,” she says. “There was a sense of constant stimulation and eeriness, an otherworldliness of color.” Through June 30, opening Fri., May 3, 6:30 p.m., 2424 E. York St., artspaceliberti. blogspot.com.

³ AND THEN THERE’S … Go buy something at the Da Vinci Art Alliance’s exhibit “Artists Against Hunger.” It will benefit the Food Trust, the beloved do-gooders who believe that everyone should have access to healthy eats. Through May 5, opening Thu., May 2, 6 p.m., 704 Catharine St., 215-8290466, davinciartalliance.org. ... Artists’ all-time favorite color is on display at Gallery Joe’s exhibit “All Black.”The show features charcoal, graphite and ink drawings by Astrid Bowlby, N. Dash, Jorinde Voigt and others. ... Don’t miss Xylor Jane’s brainy drawings. According to a press release, they “derive from her deep understanding of mathematics, numerical sequences and prime numbers.” In a pair of 2005 works, Jane puts her knowledge to the test by attempting to draw a perfect cube and circle by hand. Through June 15, opening Fri., May 3, 6 p.m., 302 Arch St., 215-592-7752, galleryjoe.com. ... Ever wonder what the Chelsea Hotel looks like these days without Patti Smith, Robert Mapplethorpe and Jimi Hendrix around? In Space 2033’s exhibit “Chelsea Hotel: A 3Year Journey,” Marc Bluestein photographed his “friends and lovers” at the famous spot from 2008 to 2011. Through June 5, opening Fri., May 3, 6 p.m., 2033 Frankford Ave., 267-679-3199, facebook.com/space2033. (editorial@citypaper.net)

Ozon’s diabolical comedy is sinfully delicious!” – Stephen Holden

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“You won’t want the story to end!” – Los Angeles Times

– The Wall Street Journal

FILMS ARE GRADED BY CITY PAPER CRITICS A-F.

– The New Yorker

“A remarkable ﬁlm!” – Village Voice

FABRICE LUCHINI

KRISTIN EMMANUELLE SCOTT THOMAS SEIGNER

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“Ominous, funny and suspenseful.”

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RAVES!

“ONE OF THIS YEAR’S OUTSTANDING FILMS!

A film by FRANÇOIS OZON

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Upstream Color

✚ NEW IRON MAN 3 Read Drew Lazor’s review at citypaper.net/movies. (Wide release)

MUMIA: LONG-DISTANCE REVOLUTIONARY | D

THE RELUCTANT FUNDAMENTALIST | BSee Drew Lazor’s review on p. 29. (Ritz East)

✚ CONTINUING 42 | BBrian Helgeland’s Jackie Robinson biopic is predicated on the baseball legend having, as Harrison Ford’s cartoonishly crusty character puts it, “the guts not to fight

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The canonization of Mumia Abu-Jamal continues apace in Stephen Vittoria’s documentary, which attempts to insinuate the radical journalist and death-row inmate into a lineage stretching from Frederick Douglass to Fred Hampton. Long-Distance Revolutionary hums along smoothly when it explores that lineage, often forgetting its ostensible subject for long periods of time and nearly eliding the crime that made him famous. Since there’s little real doubt that Abu-Jamal shot Officer Daniel Faulkner, Vittoria shifts focus to the absurd claim that he is a political prisoner, drafting a host of intellectuals to make glib generalizations about Philadelphia’s history. It might be hard to imagine that the racist abuses of the Rizzo era could be exaggerated, but then up pops Baruch College’s Johanna Fernandez likening the city to a “police state.” (Tellingly, the Tribune’s Linn Washington is one of few locals quoted.) It’s eminently possible to claim AbuJamal as an eloquent social critic who made one terrible mistake, but the film would rather peddle a simplistic narrative that not only warps Abu-Jamal’s story, but the history of racial oppression in the U.S. Flashing photos of lynchings from the segregated South has more to do with pushing buttons than working toward the truth the movie so often invokes. —Sam Adams (Ritz at the Bourse)

UPSTREAM COLOR | A Rejected by the Ritz due to Landmark Theaters’ issues with self-distribution, then scheduled for the Roxy, which failed to re-open in time, Shane Carruth’s follow-up to 2004’s Primer has finally found a home at the Franklin Institute, a fittingly unique destination for a singular film. Given Primer’s nested time-travel loops, it’s no surprise that Upstream Color is a head-scratcher, but its untrammeled emotionalism comes as a shock to the senses. Upstream is as warm as Primer was cool, its lyrical drift more evocative of Terrence Malick than Stanley Kubrick. Unraveling the intricacies of the movie’s plot(s), which involve mysterious con men, parasite-assisted hypnosis, repressed memory and psychic bonds, takes several viewings, but at its heart — metaphorically and structurally — it’s a poignant, surpassingly lovely essay on shared trauma and self-discovery. It’s quite literally moving beyond words. As a woman whose body and mind are violated in ways she cannot recall, Amy Seimetz anchors the film in ways your emotions can follow even when your mind can’t, and Carruth, who’s never acted in anything but his own movies, makes a surprisingly dreamy romantic foil. Upstream is overwhelming at times — it’s the only time outside of The Tree of Life’s creation sequence I’ve felt the urge to flee the theater out of sheer overload — but its numinous beauty endures. —SA (Franklin Institute)

Show us your Philly.

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back.” That translates into lots of seething in noble silence while racial epithets are hurled in Robinson’s direction. Early in the film, the tense yet muted approach is refreshing in comparison to the constant insistence on inspiration endemic to most hagiographies. But as the Dodgers get closer to the pennant, the tension dissipates and Helgeland’s reserve settles into a tepid simmer. The orchestra ultimately swells and bases are run in ridiculously protracted slow motion, but there are a few unexpected diversions on the way to that inevitable destination. —Shaun Brady (Wide release)

THE ANGEL’S SHARE | BThe title of Ken Loach’s latest refers to the small percentage of alcohol that evaporates out of the barrel as it ferments. While The Angels’ Share demonstrates the concern with the U.K.’s downtrodden that marks most of Loach’s films, it seems to dissolve into the ether compared to his higher-

violent grudges fester for generations, Robbie is intent on reforming but trapped by circumstance, the recursive cycle of mindless retribution constantly threatening a final strike against him. The chance discovery of his keen nose for whiskey seems to offer an unlikely opportunity for escape to a more elite environment. But at this point, the film makes its first (but not last) abrupt tonal shift, turning into a breezy semi-documentary on the world of whiskey. Loach’s camera sits in for a tasting, tours a distillery, drops by for an auction, all the while mining a few easy laughs from Robbie’s makeshift gang of community-service misfits. Once that milieu is established, Paul Laverty’s script shifts again, transforming into a light-hearted caper, its gravitas by this point completely dissipated. Loach stands by impassively through it all: watching unflinchingly as Robbie faces one of his victims and his family; sitting attentively for a lesson on barrel aging; imparting no real urgency to the climactic heist. The theft of a few bottles’ worth of rare Scotch is depicted as a victimless crime, its aficionados easy targets for a send-up of show-offy “expertise.” It all goes down smooth, a wee dram for the septuagenarian social realist. —SB (Ritz Five)

BLANCANIEVES | BAn affectionate homage to both the silent-film era and 1920s Spain, Pablo Berger’s kicky curio restages Snow White in the bullring, with torero’s daughter Carmen (Macarena García) struggling to save her gored papa (Daniel Giménez Cacho) from a scheming nurse (a sublimely camp Maribel Verdú). Rather than treating silent film as a cutesy curiosity (cf. The Artist), Berger mingles Guy Maddin and Luis Buñuel, especially when Carmen loses her memory and winds up with a circus troupe of traveling dwarves. Though it lacks the slick revisionism of Snow White and the Huntsman, Blancanieves outclasses its big-budget quasi-peers. Much as it strikes out on its own, it still feels like a clever twist unable to stand on its own. —SA (Ritz Five) THE COMPANY YOU KEEP | C Robert Redford may view The Company You Keep as the next logical notch in his late-career lefty directorial belt, but it meanders into what’s closer to a pseudo-political Wild Hogs. The action actually starts off spirited,

ARTHUR NEWMAN

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proof work. In the early going, the director establishes an appropriate air of desperation for his protagonist, Robbie (Paul Brannigan): Following a vicious fight, the young, repentant thug is sentenced to community service, a reprieve due in part to the imminent birth of his son. Stuck in a brutal section of Glasgow where

A haiku: Can Colin Firth start over and escape his past? Colin Firth cannot. (Not reviewed) (Wide release)

THE BIG WEDDING A haiku: Meet the Parents meets Mamma Mia! meets License to Wed or something. (Not reviewed) (Wide release)

with Sharon Solarz (Susan Sarandon) deliberately setting herself up for arrest by FBI stiff Cornelius (Terrence Howard). A nondescript mother to most, we learn that Solarz is a former Weather Underground operative, on

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the lam for decades for a bank robbery gone bad. Albany beat reporter Ben Shepard (Shia LaBeouf) senses more to the story, leading him to the revelation that well-liked, recently widowed local lawyer Jim Grant (Redford) is actually the assumed identity of Nick Sloan, another infamous radical implicated in the crime. As Sloan scrambles to clear his name, tapping into a network of associates that reads like the guest list at Gene Hackman’s last cookout, we’re pummeled with dragging dialogue, inessential twists and a preponderance of nostalgic lamentations. —DL (Ritz Five, Rave)

THE CROODS | B DreamWorks was boldly formulaic in hammering together its latest sure-to-be-smash, but it’s amiable and imaginative enough to tickle animation fans of all ages. The Croods follows that clan, hunter-gatherers led by dad Grug (Nicolas Cage), and their ho-hum existence inside a boulder-doored cave. While family members Ugga (Catherine Keener), Gran (Cloris Leachman) and Thunk (Clark Duke) don’t seem disenchanted by their lot, young Eep (Emma Stone) longs to roam. After meeting Guy (Ryan Reynolds), Eep gets her wish, as the family flees lands crumbling from the rapid breakup of Pangaea. The Croods’ Disney-style believe-inyourself sentiment is spread on quite thick, but co-writers/co-directors Chris Sanders and Kirk De Micco make the most of the prehistoric creative license. —DL (Wide release) EVIL DEAD | C This Evil Dead is better than the average Hollywood remake of a genre classic, but that faint praise is the best that can be mustered.

[ movie shorts ]

There are plenty of elaborately nasty shocks along the way, some of them clever, some just brutal, but simply slathering on viscera isn’t enough to distinguish this from so many other gore fests. Most missed, naturally, is Bruce Campbell’s Ash, the charismatic, acrobatic dolt who battled the undead with a patent disregard for his own body. The remake substitutes Mia (Jane Levy), a junkie holed up in the demon-infested cabin for a cold turkey rehab; not a bad premise, but she’s given only a backstory, not a character, and in the end she’s just another blood-drenched Final Girl. —SB (Wide release)

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION A haiku: Knowing is half the battle. The other half is cold-blooded killing. (Not reviewed) (Wide release)

KOCH | BEd Koch, New York City mayor from 1978 to 1989, had a habit for telling it like it is that won him both admirers and detractors. Koch, Neil Barsky’s nimble documentary on the late, polarizing mayor, tells it like it was, but with more fawning respect than probing insight. Alternating between scenes of Koch in his later years and during his critical time in office, the film showcases this feisty, largerthan-life politician whose catchphrase was “How am I doing?” Barsky shows how Koch accomplished what he did, from getting elected to becoming a hero to a broke and depressed New York, and digs into the contradictions of the man’s career. Koch was

In Take Shelter, writer/director Jeff Nichols depicted an internal armageddon, a tempest of fear and anxiety that could have portended the end of the world or just the end of one manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ability to deal with reality. Nicholsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; follow-up is less successful, but takes a similar approach to exploring intimate emotion through genre dramatics. Mud is a Mark Twain-inspired pulp fairy tale, a story of doomed love through the eyes of an adolescent boy who wants more than anything to believe in a romantic ideal. Matthew McConaughey sports crooked teeth and skin cured like jerky as Mud, a drifter whom two young Arkansas boys discover living in a boat stuck in the branches of a tree following a flood. One of the boys, Ellis (Tye Sheridan), has just learned that his parents are divorcing at the same time that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s suffering the pangs of a first love. Through his eyes, the reality of his elders looks spoiled and rotten, whereas Mudâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s desperate attempts to evade his pursuers and reunite with his Juniper (Reese Witherspoon) seems the only true romance to be found. Nichols maintains a delicate balance between the Southernfried realism of Ellisâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; home life and the fantasy of his secret alliance with Mud until it collapses in an avalanche of melodrama, with the bitter tinge of disillusionment remaining. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;SB (Ritz Five)

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN | C+ Gerard Butler stars as a Secret Service agent pulled from President Aaron Eckhartâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s detail after failing to save the First Lady during a car accident. Unfortunately, he was apparently the only agent trained not to run chest-first into oncoming bullets, so heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s forced into a rescue mission when the Koreans shoot up the White House and kidnap the leader of the free world. Especially in the early scenes, director Antoine Fuqua walks a fine line between his usual grit and Stallone-style goofiness; yes, Butler deals out death via a bust of Lincoln, but no, he doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make a presidentially-appropriate quip afterwards. The result is sometimes mindlessly entertaining, but often just mindless. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;SB (Wide release)

NO PLACE ON EARTH A haiku: Remember when we hid in caves during the war? OMG that sucked. (Not reviewed) (Ritz at the Bourse)

OBLIVION | CGraced by sleek, clean white curves and gorgeous digital vistas, Joseph

NO | A A canny comedy and cutting critique, Pablo LarraĂnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s No looks back at the 1980 vote to extend or end Chilean

Kosinskiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Oblivion is a stunning iApocalypse. But like the directorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

PAIN & GAIN | CMichael Bayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s accomplished many things in his double middle finger salute of a career, but heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s never quite captured weird â&#x20AC;&#x201D; anything remotely resembling irreverence typically gets shot at, blown up or crushed in a super-cut of babes before it can blossom. Man, has he made up for lost time with Pain & Gain, a paean to a reallife South Florida crime spree that irresponsibly makes light of people getting chopped apart by psychopaths. A fast-talking personal trainer upset with his limited earning power, Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) wants more, a drive that weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re constantly reminded

of via an incessant stream of bulletinboard motivators (â&#x20AC;&#x153;The way to prove yourself is to better yourself â&#x20AC;&#x201D; thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the American dreamâ&#x20AC;?). No longer content to keep his ambitions legal, he recruits fellow juiceheads Adrian (Anthony Mackie) and Paul (Dwayne Johnson) to kidnap jerkoff rich guy client Victor (Tony Shalhoub) and shake him down for all his cash. Fast money, drugs, steroids, paranoia â&#x20AC;&#x201D; none of that mixes well, and the trioâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s descent into madness, and eventually murder, is plucked for laughs throughout. Reality amplified for comedic effect is nothing new, of course, but Bay has set a new standard for how to do it wrong,

accompanying the most gruesome goings-on with stylized Instagram freezes and slick screen graphics that insist on boldface confirming that yes, all this insane shit actually happened. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s unlikely a more subtle director would be able to make all the crushed skulls and chainsaw-aided dismemberments more palatable, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hard imagining one more tonedeaf, or tone-unconcerned, than Bay. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;DL (Wide release)

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES | B An ambitious drama that hits more than it misses, Derek Cianfranceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s follow-up to Blue Valentine is to 1950s melodrama what Cloud Atlas

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psychotronic splatter that inspired House of 1000 Corpses and The Devilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rejects. (Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s even a visual shoutout to George MĂŠliĂ¨sâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; A Trip to the Moon.) In essence, Salem is an updated riff on Village of the Damned, with

vote, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s marketing the genuine article. Instead of recalling secret torture chambers â&#x20AC;&#x201D; a total downer â&#x20AC;&#x201D; he crafts sunny jingles about a post-Pinochet future. Chilean critics have accused LarraĂn, whose father is a prominent right-wing politician, of playing fast and loose with history, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s clear his real target is the present day, when revolutionary rhetoric is inconceivable outside the commercial framework. RenĂŠâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s side may have won the battle, but No argues with blackened humor that they lost the war. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;SA (Ritz at the Bourse)

MUD | B-

[ movie shorts ]

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Industrial-metal auteur Rob Zombie has made a surprisingly successful transition to film, but heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s spent most of the last decade rebooting the Halloween franchise, with a pit stop on CSI: Miami. But The Lords of Salem isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a return to form so much as to Zombieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s roots, back before the

previous film, the Daft Punk video passing as a sequel Tron: Legacy, the film is vapidly pretty, utterly empty of ideas beyond, â&#x20AC;&#x153;That would look neat.â&#x20AC;? The plot seems as if someone dropped their prized collection of dystopian scifi scripts and the pages got shuffled together. Tom Cruise plays a technician left on Earth after a war to repair â&#x20AC;&#x201C; no, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face it, Tom Cruise plays WALL-E. Cruise shoots a few more guns and the Pixar creation is a tad taller, but you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be a Disney lawyer to see the similarities in a handyman stuck on a desolate Earth, keeping a few flowers in a rusty can and scavenging remnants of the former civilization. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;SB (Wide release)

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autocrat Augusto Pinochetâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rule through an admanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eyes. RenĂŠ Saavedra (Gael GarcĂa Bernal) is accustomed to using the language of liberation to sell soft drinks, but when heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s placed in charge of the nightly TV time devoted to the no-confidence

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immensely popular, yet rode out corruption scandals. He stood up against transit workers during a 1980 strike, and closed Sydenham hospital to much criticism. He was accused of being unsupportive of the gay community during the AIDS crisis, and still remains cagey about his sexuality when pressed. These vignettes are all ably presented with archival footage and knowledgeable talking heads, but Koch never inspires â&#x20AC;&#x201D; or infuriates â&#x20AC;&#x201D; like the late mayor did. Koch claimed he wanted to be relevant. But Koch the film, though neither hagiography nor hatchet piece, feels somewhat inconsequential. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Gary M. Kramer (Ritz at the Bourse)

atmosphere by way of Coffin Joe. The directorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, plays a nighttime DJ who receives a mysterious slab of vinyl credited to the titular band; its looping drone instills a sort of hypnosis/possession in all who hear it. When Moon is on the mic with her fellow jockeys, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a loving ease to their cross talk, but the movieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s spooky mechanics are flecked with rust. Once the latex wrinkles and witch-trial flashbacks start, any sense of fright goes up in smoke. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;SA (Wide release)

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was to 1950s sci-fi. Opening with an unbroken shot of the tattooed back of Luke (Ryan Gosling) as he moves through a circus and into a motorcycle cage, The Place Beyond the Pines announces itself as a death- or at least convention-defying feat, spanning decades without succumbing to sprawl. When Luke’s circus swings through Schenectady, he discovers the previous year’s fling with Romina (Eva Mendes) left him with a son. He

turns to crime to support the child, which sets him on a collision course with rookie cop Avery (Bradley Cooper), resulting in an encounter with echoes that linger as their sons grow up together. —SA (Ritz East)

RENOIR | C+

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A stunningly beautiful film shot in the south of France, most of Renoir’s action takes place on a lush hilltop overlooking the French Riviera. The cast spends its time cooking sumptuous food, splashing in streams and lolling around in the nude (the better to be painted by the titular elder statesman of Impressionism, played by Michel Bouquet). The story tracks Andrée Heuschling (Christa Theret), the painter’s latest model, as she familiarizes herself with his household and, later, with his son Jean (Vincent Rottiers). Theret is a fiery and engaging actress with a fun role, and Rot-

diamondscreen.org. Program 1 (106 min.): Day 1 of Temple’s Department of Film and Media Arts’ annual film festival is a series of shorts from aspiring local filmmakers. Tue., May 7, 7 p.m., free. Program 2 (87 min.): Ditto day 2, with an awards ceremony to follow. Wed., May 8, 7 p.m., free.

✚ REPERTORY FILM tiers does a fine job as Jean. But the elder Renoir isn’t given much to do but spout platitudes: “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.” Renoir is very pretty, like its namesake’s works, but just as you can choose how long you want to contemplate a painting, at almost two hours in length, there’s a good chance you’ll want to step away from this film. —Jake Blumgart (Ritz at the Bourse)

TRANCE | C+ A cracking thriller built around art auctioneer Simon’s (James McAvoy) convenient amnesia, Danny Boyle’s Trance jumps the rails in the closing stretch. Till then, Boyle is in his element, exercising his showmanship as Simon struggles to recall his part in the heist of a Goya, while art thief Franck (Vincent Cassel) debates whether to let him live. Hypnotherapist Elizabeth (Rosario Dawson) is called in to help Simon navigate the depths of his own mind, and thence it’s never quite clear whether we’re watching what’s happening or what he thinks is happening. —SA (Ritz Five)

✚ DIAMOND SCREEN FESTIVAL INTERNATIONAL HOUSE 3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125,

AMBLER THEATER 108 E. Butler Ave., Ambler, 215-3457855, amblertheater.org. Detonator (2013, U.S., 95 min.): A Philly ex-punk learns he can’t outrun his past. Filmmaker Keir Politz will hold a Q&A following the screening. Wed., May 8, 7:30 p.m., $9.75.

BRYN MAWR FILM INSTITUTE 824 W. Lancaster Ave., Bryn Mawr, 610527-9898, brynmawrfilm.org. Oliver! (1968, U.K., 153 min.): Free popcorn for those who show up to the sing-along in character. Dibs on the Artful Dodger! Wed., May 8, 7 p.m., $10.50.

COLONIAL THEATRE 227 Bridge St., Phoenixville, 610917-1228, thecolonialtheatre.com. A Bucket of Blood (1959, U.S., 66 min): Walter Paisley mistakenly kills a cat. The art world heralds him as a genius, but now they want more. Sat., May 4, 2 p.m., $9. Rebecca (1940, U.S., 130 min.): Hitchcock’s Hollywood debut earned him that year’s Best Picture Oscar. Sun., May 5, 2 p.m., $9.

professor’s plan B: grow some lavender. Wed., May 8, 7:30 p.m., $9.75.

FRIENDS OF THE PHILADELPHIA CITY INSTITUTE LIBRARY Free Library, Philadelphia City Institute Branch, 1905 Locust St., 215-6856621, freelibrary.org. Joshua Then and Now (1985, Canada, 119 min.): Writer Joshua Shapiro airs his dirty laundry in this adaptation of Mordecai Richler’s maybe-autobiography. Wed., May 8, 2 p.m., free.

INTERNATIONAL HOUSE 3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125, ihousephilly.org. May Day: Images of Work and Revolution Part 2: A double feature of documentaries about the dramatic struggle for workers’ rights in Detroit (Finally Got the News) and Guatemala (The Real Thing). Thu., May 2, 7 p.m., $ 9. Blue Collar (1978, U.S., 114 min.): Keitel, Kotto and Pryor playing wronged workers who begin to steal from their own union is yet another reason Paul Schrader deserves more love. Fri., May 3, 7 p.m., $9.

[ movie shorts ]

Philly. Filmmaker M.K. Asante Jr. will speak following the screening. Thu., May 2, 7 p.m., free.

SLOW FOOD PHILLY The Rotunda, 4014 Walnut St., 215573-3234, therotunda.org. Eating Alabama (2012, U.S., 62 min.): A young couple adopts a locavore diet before uncovering the truth behind the modern food industry. Fair Food Philly will provide the locally sourced snacks. Mon., May 6, 7 p.m., free.

TROCADERO THEATRE 1003 Arch St., 215-922-6888, thetroc. com. Silver Linings Playbook (2012, U.S., 122 min.): Uplift for

Exhumed Films Presents: eX-Fest III: A 12-hour cross-genre exploitation-

film marathon. How low can you go, and for how long? (See p. 49 for more.) Sun., May 5, 11 a.m., $26.

RITZ AT THE BOURSE 400 Ranstead St., 215-440-1181, landmarktheaters.com. Clue (1985, U.S., 94 min.): Michael Bay still hasn’t returned our calls about that Settlers of Catan: The Movie script we sent. Dick. Fri., May 3, midnight, $10.

the rom-com-with-pretensions set. Cue the 360 pan around the kissing couple. Mon., May 6, 8 p.m., $3.

More on:

COUNTY THEATER

RITZ EAST

20 E. State St., Doylestown, 215-3456789, countytheater.org. Common Ground (2002, Spain/Argentina, 108 min.): Sociedad Hispana Doylestown presents the story of a retired college

125 S. Second St., 215-925-4535, landmarktheaters.com. Rise and Shine (2013, U.S., 45 min.): Five1Four9 Productions presents this student-made doc on education rights from Ghana to

citypaper.net ✚ CHECK OUT MORE R E P E R T O R Y F I L M L I S T I N G S AT C I T Y PA P E R . N E T / R E P F I L M .

INVITES YOU TO AN ADVANCE SCREENING OF MAY DAY: MAYWEATHER VS. GUERRERO BRINGS BOXING’S POUND-FOR-POUND KING AS HE STEPS UP TO DEFEND HIS WBC WELTERWEIGHT TITLE AGAINST ROBERT “THE GHOST” GUERRERO. THIS IS SET TO BE A GARGANTUAN SHOWDOWN BETWEEN TWO FUTURE HALL OF FAMERS WHO ALWAYS BRING EXCITEMENT AND FIERCE COMPETITION EVERY TIME THEY STEP INTO THE RING TO ENTER TO WIN A PAIR OF TICKETS TO SEE THIS MEGA FIGHT LIVE ON THE BIG SCREEN AT A PARTICIPATING THEATER EMAIL YOUR NAME, ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER TO WITH THE SUBJECT LINE

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. WHILE SUPPLIES LAST. Passes valid at participating theaters only for exclusive showing on Saturday, May 4 at 9:00PM. NCM Fathom Events, Philadelphia City Paper and their afﬁliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with the use of this prize. Tickets are good for one admission and guarantees you a seat at the theater until ten minutes before show time. Passes need to be exchanged at the box ofﬁce. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. Void where prohibited by law. No phone calls, please.

MONDAY, MAY 6TH, 7:3OPM LOG ON TO WWW.CITYPAPER.NET/WIN FOR ENTRY DETAILS. SELECT WINNERS WILL BE INVITED TO ATTEND A PRE-SCREENING RECEPTION AT A PHILADELPHIA-AREA SPEAKEASY, WITH TRANSPORTATION TO THE SCREENING COURTESY OF PHILADELPHIA TROLLY WORKS THIS FILM IS RATED PG-13. Under 13 Requires Accompanying Parent Or Adult Guardian. Please note: Passes are limited and will be distributed on a ﬁrst come, ﬁrst served basis while supplies last. No phone calls, please. Limit one pass per person. Each pass admits two. Seating is not guaranteed. Arrive early. Theater is not responsible for overbooking. This screening will be monitored for unauthorized recording. By attending, you agree not to bring any audio or video recording device into the theater (audio recording devices for credentialed press excepted) and consent to a physical search of your belongings and person. Any attempted use of recording devices will result in immediate removal from the theater, forfeiture, and may subject you to criminal and civil liability. Please allow additional time for heightened security. You can assist us by leaving all nonessential bags at home or in your vehicle.

THE SUMMER BELONGS TO GATSBY

IN THEATERS MAY 10 THEGREATGATSBYMOVIE.COM

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8 TH STREET

7 TH STREET

1. ALYAN’S | 603 S. 4th St. 4. COPABANANA | 344 South St.

2. BOYLER ROOM | 328 South St. 5. DUDES | 646 South St.

3. BRAUHAUS SCHMITZ | 718 South St. 6. EYES GALLERY | 402 South St.

5 TH STREET

6 TH STREET

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2 ND STREET

3 RD STREET

4 TH STREET

SOUTH STREET

0 0 7. LITE CHOICE | 135 South St.

10. PHILADELPHIA EDDIES TATTOO | 621 S. 4th St.

8. MAGIC GARDENS | 402 South St.

11. REQUIEM | 603 S. 9th St.

9. PAPER MOON | 321 South St.

12. SOUTH STREET SOUVLAKI | 509 South St.

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CINCO DE MAYO Disfrute! Celebrar!

FRESH, AUTHENTIC, MOUTHWATERING MEDITERRANEAN CUISINE WILL HAVE YOUR PALATE DANCING! GREEK SHRIMP TO MUSSELS, LAMB CHOPS TO KABOBS, MOUSAKA TO SPANAKOPITA, HUMMUS TO STUFFED PEPPERS VEGETARIAN AND VEGAN ENTREES OPEN FOR LUNCH & DINNER TUESDAY-SUNDAY

SOUTH STREET SOUVLAKI

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COME ENJOY HEALTHY MEDITERRANEAN CUISINE

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SOCIETY HILL FILMS

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Celebrate the fun, festivites, food and more! ➤ S p ring is in the air and summer is on its way. On Saturday, May 4th from

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12:00pm – 8pm, the South Street Headhouse Dis trict will hold its new signature street event, the South Street Headhouse Spring Festival. The Spring Festival will be a free, all-ages celebration of the beginning of the festival season with the best tastes, sounds and sights that the District has to offer. The Spring Festival will take place on South Street between 2nd and 8th and on the 2nd Street Plaza between South and Lombard.

FOOD AND DRINK: The street will

MUSIC: The Street Festival will be

be closed to allow district restaurants and bars to come out and serve up a full complement of food and drink, featuring the tastes of cuisine from around the world, all found here in the South Street Headhouse District. Enjoy and sample fare from over 30 area establishments. The 700 Block of South Street will be the site of Brauhaus Schmitz’s first annual Maifest, an all-day party of live Oompah music and delicious German food and beer. Also, Lorenzo and Sons Pizza is re-opening this weekend, coming back better than ever.

filled with music, dancing and entertainment sure to appeal to all tastes. The Festival Stage at 5th and South will feature a full line-up of popular local acts. Kicking off the bill at noon will be the Philadelphia Blues Messengers and their sounds of soulful jazz, followed by blues singers Georgie Bonds at 1:00 and the hard driving blues of Mikey Junior and the Stone Cold Blues at 2:00. At 3:00, recent Tri State Indie’s music award winner Sweet Leda will perform on the main stage fol>>> continued on page 44

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31 Year Anniversary! MIDDLE EASTERN CUISINE 603 S. 4TH ST. • PHILA, PA. 19147 • 215-922-3553

✚ SOUTH STREET SPRING FESTIVAL

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lowed by original songwriting duo John & Brittany at 4:00. Local bands Stolen Rhodes, The Strange Heat and The Great SOCIO will round out the bill on the main stage from 5:00-8:00. More music and entertainment will be found throughout the Festival all along South Street. The sounds of rock, blues and other great combinations programmed by the Legendary Dobbs and Twisted Tail music venues will be sure to keep the crowd entertained. Seven satellite music stages will be featuring performances all day, including the jazz and blues tunes of Chelsea Reed and the Fair Weather Five, Blue Jay Slim, the Steve Cal Band and Twister Baby: A Blues Metamophosis. Reverend Chris and the High Rollers bring a side of soul to the street, along with singer-songwriters Sammy Flow, John Beacher, Norman Taylor and Laura Cheadle. Improv singer Nick Andrew Staver can also be found among the performers, as well as Philadelphia natives Don Lafferty and Nick Piccari. Additional musical performances will take place at the participating eating and drinking establishments.

HEROES ZONE AND FAMILY ZONE: The 600 Block of South Street will be dedicated to those who serve the citizens of Philadelphia in a variety of ways. Special recognition and honor will be paid to the brave men and women of the Philadelphia Fire and Police Departments. The Police Department and Fire Department will be on hand to show-

case bicycle safety, fire prevention and apparatus demonstrations. The Family Zone on the 200 Block of South Street will be filled with activities for kids of all ages. Let your young artists express themselves with hands-on art and craft projects. The School of Rock House Band and the Tune Up Philly youth orchestra will be on hand to entertain the crowd. In addition, there will be over 40 artisans, crafters, and retailers of all kinds to serve your shopping needs.

PARKING: If you are coming to the South Street Headhouse Spring Festival, we primarily recommend using public transportation. However, if you are driving in, the Delaware River Waterfront Corporation and InPark are offering a special Festival parking discount for the lot located at the South Street Pedestrian Bridge Parking Lot at Columbus Boulevard. Park in the lot for a 35% discount off the regular rate and come across the South Street pedestrian foot bridge to join the Festival.

ABOUT SSHD: The South Street Headhouse District is a renowned commercial corridor and home to over 400 unique businesses, including some of the best restaurants, retailers and services in the region. The South Street Headhouse District is also one of the top tourist destinations in Philadelphia, with over one million visitors each year. Surrounded by the historic neighborhoods of Society Hill, Queen Village, Bella Vista and Washington Square West, the South Street Headhouse District is a great place to eat, shop, play and live.

agenda LISTINGS@CITYPAPER.NET | MAY 2 - MAY 8

the agenda

[ living up to ludicrous levels of hype ]

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LOOK AT THESE FUCKING DUDES: Stornoway plays Kung Fu Necktie tonight. PAL HANSEN

The Agenda is our selective guide to what’s going on in the city this week. For comprehensive event listings, visit citypaper.net/listings. IF YOU WANT TO BE LISTED:

THURSDAY

5.2 [ dance ]

—Deni Kasrel May 2-12, $25-$35, Suzanne Roberts Theatre, 480 S. Broad St., 215-9850420, koreshdance.org.

[ comedy ]

With more than 1,000 Facebook “likes,” Koresh Dance Company knows how to make friends. Still, they’re kicking their social game up a notch with the launch of a new festival, Come Together, featuring 27 dance groups in

✚ MITCH FATEL A minute into their first Mitch Fatel show, most people are probably struck by the same question: Is that really how he talks? His laconic, hazy vocal delivery is a little creepy, with

—Sameer Rao Thu., May 2, 8 p.m.; Fri.-Sat., May 3-4, 7:30 and 10 p.m.; $16-$33, with Rob DeSantis and Anton Shuford, Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., 215496-9001, heliumcomedy.com.

[ pop/folk ]

✚ STORNOWAY Stornoway is at once meticulously modest and epi-

cally, almost outrageously, ambitious. Four well-groomed, unassuming lads — quietly consummate musicians, topnotch harmonizers — they take their name from a remote, romantic-sounding maritime town in Scotland’s Outer Hebrides (which features prominently in BBC weather reportage), though they actually hail from suburban Oxford. Led by Brian Brigg’s heart-meltingly earnest, Ben Gibbard-ish tenor, their songs focus on familiar, intimate things — pastoral and domestic pleasures; the little quandaries and quagmires of love and young adulthood — but somehow conjure up far grander, more mysterious horizons. Their 2010 debut paired indelible indie-pop earworms like “Zorbing” with arrangements that had a sneaky way of swelling, at the slightest provocation, from understated folksiness to towering quasiorchestral bombast. Tales from Terra Firma (4AD) follows suit on both accounts, offering

could-be campfire anthems like the Celtic-tinged “The Bigger Picture” — all tremulous mandolins and a chorus so sweetly buoyant it’s almost unbearable — while elsewhere layering on the strings, trumpets, zithers, dulcimers, Dixieland clarinets and spoons to the bursting point. —K. Ross Hoffman Thu., May 2, 8 p.m., $10-$12, with Field Report, Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St., 215-291-4919, kungfunecktie.com.

[ dance/theater ]

✚ JAPANAMERICA WONDERWAVE How do you reconcile your identity with immense trauma? Does a land known better to your ancestors still reverberate within your own bones? Philly-based dance/ theater group Team Sunshine Performance Corporation attempts to tackle these questions and others with this “disaster response mixtape.” JapanAmerica Wonderwave

backs its dance/theater with American and Asian pop music to create a hilarious and affecting response to the 2011 tsunami and earthquake in Japan. Driven by main performer Makoto Hirano (featured in the 2011 LiveArts Festival smash WHaLe OPTICS) and cocreator Benjamin Camp, this production promises to touch audiences across cultures. —Sameer Rao Through May 12, $7.50, with Kate Watson-Wallace, Christ Church Neighborhood House, 20 N. American St., 215-922-1695, teamsunshineperformance.com.

SATURDAY

5.4 [ science/family ]

✚ NATURAL HISTORY ROAD SHOW Every geode, bone and fossil’s

✚ COME TOGETHER

hints of infantilism and sexual perversion. Some have even accused him of trying to sound developmentally challenged. However, a quick look at his more straitlaced correspondent segments on The Tonight Show confirms that the skeevy persona is, indeed, just an act. On the heels of his third album, Public Displays of Perversion, Fatel brings all sides of himself to Helium this week — alongside Philly-bred comedians Rob DeSantis and Anton Shuford — for a trip through the mind of a precocious boy trapped in the body of a very weird fortysomething man. You’ll laugh. You’ll cringe.

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Submit information by email (listings@citypaper.net) to Caroline Russock or enter it yourself at citypaper.net/submit-event with the following details: date, time, address of venue, telephone number and admission price. Incomplete submissions will not be considered, and listings information will not be accepted over the phone.

11 performances. Spread over nine days, Come Together’s multi-genre, multi-style buffet approach means a single bill may include ballet, postmodern, hip-hop and contemporary dance. There are plenty of familiar names — like Rennie Harris PureMovement and Brian Sanders’ JUNK — plus up-and-comers like Leigha Adduci and Nickerson-Rossi Dance. If you go to see an act you already know, you’re pretty much sure to also catch someone you’ve never seen before.

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FOOD | Waterfront contender FIRST FRIDAY FOCUS | Kensington views

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TURNING A PHILLY NEIGHBORHOOD INTO A WORK OF ART IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. by

CASSIE OWENS

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PAPER

[ P H I L A D E L P H I A ]

30 YEARS OF INDEPENDENT JOURNALISM

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CITY THANKS FOR READING

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2012 PENNSYLVANIA NEWSPAPER ASSOCIATION AWARDS Philadelphia City Paper garnered ﬁrst place nods for Feature Beat Reporting and Layout & Design. It took second place awards for Investigative Reporting, Personality Proﬁle, Feature Story, Business/Consumer Story, Column, Photo Story and Graphic Photo/Illustration.

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unforgettable pop song. Other numbers from its fantastic attendant album found similar analogues for love (and dancing) in subjects like medicine, driving, radio broadcasting and both algebra and geometry. Her slightly darker-toned follow-up, Nocturnes (On Repeat), another set of classically styled synth-pop that could pass for prime Kylie Minogue, covers comparable ground on “Crescendo,” “Satellite” and “Motorway,” while also repeating “Repeat”’s feat with “Broken Record.” The rest of it pays homage to Madonna (“Every Night I Say a Prayer”) and emphasizes the dance half of the dance-pop equation on the literal-minded, tech-housey highlight “Shake,” produced with Simian Mobile Disco’s James Ford. —K. Ross Hoffman Sat., May 4, 10 p.m., $12-$15, Making Time with Tiger & Woods, Beach Fossils and Making Time DJs, Voyeur, 1221 St. James St., 215-735-5772, voyeurnightclub.com.

[ rock/pop ]

✚ FREE ENERGY

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Despite its January release

[ the agenda ]

SUNDAY

date, Free Energy’s sophomore album, Love Sign, was built for summer. Harmonious “oohs” and “ahhhs” prove perfect for driving the catchy, guitardriven melodies in standout tracks like “Dance All Night” and “Girls Want Rock.” This group knows exactly what it’s doing. After rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the snarly, post-punk group Hockey Night, Free Energy has managed to hone its power-pop chops, even hopping on tours with Hot Chip and Weezer. The polished sound is something you, your mom and your 15-year-old sister could agree on, especially when the weather’s nice. —Nikki Volpicelli Sat., May 4, 9 p.m., $12-$15, with Deap Vally and Prowler, North Star Bar, 2639 Poplar St., 215-787-0488, northstarbar.com.

5.5 [ electronic/pop ]

✚ CLASSIXX Even if Daft Punk’s new album somehow mysteriously fails to live up to the ludicrous levels of hype, this still feels like a banner month or two for retro-minded electro disco,

between the domestic release of Breakbot’s fabulously cheesy (and very Daft Punk-ish) debut LP, the surprise return of fakeFrench electro-genius Jacques

[ movies ]

eX-Fest III There’s more to the Exhumed Films people than the gore and screams of horror movies. For this 12-hour marathon, if it’s got a “-ploitation” angle, it’s got a chance to be screened: Expect

food | classifieds

Sun., May 5, 8:30 p.m., $20, with The Presets and Dragonette, Union Transfer, 1026 Spring Garden St., 215232-2100, utphilly.com.

obscure examples of blaxploitation and sexploitation, as well as sci-fi, kung fu, bikers, giant monsters, Westerns and women in prison. In other words, the stuff that Quentin Tarantino genuflects in front of, then rips off. The projector does not stop running for the entire half-day, and Exhumed Films doesn’t announce the lineup in advance, so you’ll never know what you’ll miss during bathroom breaks and food runs.

the agenda

—K. Ross Hoffman

[ the agenda ]

the naked city | feature | a&e

Lu Cont and the tasty promise of new Phoenix remixes. Add the full-length bow of longtime DJ duo (and sometime Phoenix remixers) Classixx to that list, with a bullet. The L.A.-based twosome have been lighting up the decks and the B-sides of other people’s 12-inches for over half a decade now, but Hanging Gardens (Innovative Leisure) readily justifies its long gestation: It’s an ideal, summer-ready sampler of dance bangers and chill interludes, with crucial vocal spots from Junior Senior’s Jeppe, Active Child’s Pat Grossi and Nancy Whang of LCD Soundsystem and The Juan Maclean.

—Theresa Everline Sun., May 5, 11 a.m., $26, International House, 3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125, ihousephilly.org.

monday

5.6 [ classical ]

1807 and FrIends Despite a rich career that has

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Sat, May 11th 8pm Tibetan Aid Project Benefit w/ Sun Cinema, Static Mountain, Big Tusk. Art 4 Auction, Rafﬂes & More

UP THERAPY BAR

WE SELL BOOZE!!!

MAD DECENT MONDAYS

Sat, May 18th 8pm donations @ door. Zebrana Bastard, One Man Train Wreck, Coffin Fly and Wailin Storms LE BUS Sandwiches & MOSHE’S Vegan Burritos, Wraps and Salads Delivered Fresh Daily! Happy Hour Mon-Fri 5-7pm Open Mic Every Wednesday @ 8:30pm Beer of the Month Curious Traveler Shandy booking: contact jasper bookingel@yahoo.com

OPEN EVERY DAY – 11 AM 1356 NORTH FRONT ST. 215-634-6430

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Mon, May 6th 8:30pm PBR Rock Paper Scissors Tournament

GRO

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Sat, May 4th 9:30pm Donations @ Door St. James & The Apostles The Spirit World

THURSDAY 5.2 STUNTLOCO DJ SYLO & COOL HAND LUKE ----------------------------------------FRIDAY 5.3 HOT MESS SKINNY FRIEDMAN DJ APT ONE & DJ DAV ----------------------------------------SATURDAY 5.4 DJ DEEJAY ----------------------------------------MONDAY 5.6

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Fri, May 3rd Free First Friday, featuring the work of 5 local artists Special 2nd Tap - Angry Orchard Cider

DOWNSTAIRS

ON THE CORNER OF

9TH & CHRISTIAN

12-STEPS-DOWN.COM INFO@12-STEPS-DOWN

215.238.0379

STARKEY SWIZZYMACK WOOFERFACE ----------------------------------------TUESDAY 5.7 COMADROME FOXYr4Bb!t ----------------------------------------FRIDAY 5.10 PEX VS PLAYLOOP LEE MAYJAHS? DJ EVERYDAY

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f&d

foodanddrink

miseenplace By Caroline Russock

SAY CHEESE But not all fromageries are created equal. ³ PURCHASING WEDGES OF Comte and caciocavallo at Di Bruno Bros. is the edible equivalent of having a personal shopper at Nieman Marcus. The knowledgeable cheesemongers who man the counters at the Rittenhouse and Italian Market locations inevitably go out of their way to personalize your experiences, feeling out your tastes and making sure you reach your cheese endgame. But not all fromageries are created equal, and oftentimes hitting a cheese counter can be a challenge, especially if you’re not a hardcore curd nerd. Happily, the folks at Di Bruno Bros. have teamed up with local cheese blogger Tenaya Darlington, a.k.a. Madame Fromage, to pen a field guide for all your cheese needs. Di Bruno Bros. House of Cheese: A Guide to Wedges, Recipes and Pairings (Running Press, May 7) begins with the story of the city’s oldest cheese shop (they opened their Ninth Street doors in 1939) and breaks down proper cheese-counter navigation before diving into chapters that focus on the classifications of cheeses. And if you’re thinking these are limited to “hard,” “soft” and “crumbly,” well, as you can probably imagine, House of Cheese goes a bit further.They’ve lined up 10 apt and anthropomorphic descriptors, including “Baby Faces” (fresh, unaged), “Mountain Men” (bold, Alpine), “Stinkers” (boozy, whiffy) and “Wise Guys” (old-school, mostly Italian). Each chapter provides several examples of each style, citing their history, country of origin and milk from which they are made as well as menu, beer and wine pairings. For instance, the section about Anton’s Red Love, a taleggio-like wheel, tells of the cheese maker naming this creation for his redhaired wife, going so far as to illustrate the package with a romance-novel portrait of the duo. As far as pairings go, Darlington suggests red fruit preserves and a glass of regionally right-on riesling. The recipes included in House of Cheese are designed to highlight and complement, from a Sicilianolive-garnished gin poured to match nutty pecorino, to Rogue River Sushi, little bites of quince paste and Rogue Creamery Smoky Blue wrapped in prosciutto, to the Incredible Bulk, an Italian-hoagie-inspired sandwich that subs in raclette for prov. Between Di Bruno Bros.’ history and Darlington’s real-life romance with all things cheesy, a trip to your closest cheese counter is pretty much unavoidable after reading even just a few pages. (caroline@citypaper.net)

HOPPED UP: Brushed with bourbon barbeque sauce, ribs are served with hoppin’ John and bacon tots. JESSICA KOURKOUNIS

[ review ]

NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENTS Ambitious endeavors are going on at Graduate Hospital corner spot SoWe. By Adam Erace SOWE BAR | KITCHEN | 918 S. 22nd St., 215-545-5790, sowephilly.com. Hours: Sun.-Mon. 11:30 a.m.-11 p.m.; Tue.-Thu., 11:30 a.m.-midnight; Fri.Sat., 11:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Brunch, Sat.-Sun. from 10 a.m. Appetizers, $7-$12; entrees, $8.50-$19; desserts, $3-$7.

’d like to introduce to you to SoWe, the restaurant review that almost didn’t happen. In a city like ours, charmed with an embarrassment of interesting, exciting restaurant openings month after month, people who do what I do have to prioritize. SoWe (rhymes with Zoey) Bar | Kitchen, a More on: generic bistro with a doofy name (it stands for Graduate Hospital’s less-loved aspiring moniker, “SouthWest Center City”) and a menu of has-beens (wedge salad, mac ’n’ cheese, chocolate-bacon martini) didn’t seem like a place that had much of a story to tell when it opened a year ago in the grave of respectable Turkish spot Divan. Might as well have been called SoWhat. Driving by SoWe a bunch of times during its first weeks, I noticed the neighborhood appeared to really embrace its namesake. Warm light glowed through the windows, evoking somewhere cozy you’d

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be happy to stumble upon in an unfamiliar city on a cold night. When the weather finally broke, tables unfurled along the sidewalk like fiddlehead ferns. It was good to see this three-story stone building, always a looker with its French doors and svelte awnings, alive again. But I always kept driving, wishing owners Nancy Law (she lives upstairs) and Troy Barton (he lives in Florida) well while wondering when they’d inevitably close. Then I started hearing things about SoWe that made me reconsider. Law and Barton went on a hiring tear like the ’09 Phillies, bringing in a gastropub veteran, the eager Jennifer Choplin (Resurrection Ale House, Watkins Drinkery, the gone-in-60-seconds Butcher & the Brewer), to rework the kitchen, and contracting Grace Wicks, famous for her gardens and her mother, Judy, to green the restaurant’s roof with heirloom tomatoes, Alpine strawberries, edible flowers and Italian figs. To overhaul the beverage program, they landed a blue-chip bartender in native Brit Craig Steel, whose cocktails have graced lists at Amada, a.kitchen and Dandelion. There’s still a chocolate-bacon martini on the menu MORE FOOD AND — it was featured on a show called United DRINK COVERAGE States of Bacon, God save us — and while AT C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / I can’t speak for Steel, I would imagine a M E A LT I C K E T. little piece of his soul dies every time he has to make one. But these were moves in the right, relevant direction. So I went to SoWe and found the old two-sided space (long bar in front, compressed dining room in back) stripped of its theme-y Turkish garb and refreshed with a modern-American ensemble of salvaged wood and abstract art. I ordered a gimlet indebted to the suave housemade lime cordial and looked over Choplin’s menu >>> continued on page 56

gracetavern.com

<<< continued from page 54

I started hearing things about SoWe that made me reconsider.

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THIS SUNDAYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S CINCO DE MAYO MOVIE

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UPSTAIRS @ 8PM!

while a bossy spring breeze charged into the dining room from the propped-open back door. First up: chickpea fritters, a Watkins Drinkery debut thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s found a home among the appetizers at SoWe. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the size of melon balls, and dabs of tahinienhanced yogurt keep them from rolling around. Suffused with garlic and charred poblano peppers, each crispy falafel sphere came embellished with a pink pickled shallot and leaf of cilantro in a way that was purposeful and smart. They looked like they got lost on their way to Zahav. Choplin can cook, but can she innovate? Those fritters are her dadâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s recipe, and holdovers from the previous chefâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s menu are still hanging around. Take the damn fine cuppa chili lightened with turkey (Choplinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s tweak on the original beef recipe) and charged with traditional spices added in stages. Or the electric four-step wings: spicerubbed, roasted, grilled and served alongside an elixir of honey and sambal that both indulges and incenses the tastebuds. Regulars donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to see those favorites go, the chef explains, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m confident she can replace them with even better options, ones that more clearly express her viewpoint and personality. Her ribs do just that. Served with hoppinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; John and bacon tots, the untraditional racks of pork spares get rubbed and then rest overnight before a roast in the oven and a quick dunk in the deep fryer. The bow-shaped bones sloughed off most of the tender meat â&#x20AC;&#x201D; a longer roast might help the few tenacious bits disconnect â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the generously applied bourbon barbecue sauce I really remember, sweet and smoky and deeply red. Vegans get their due with a wide-mouth Reuben sandwich stuffed with pastrami-spiced tofu or seitan; I went the latter route, admiring the wheat-meatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s texture between slices of locally baked marble rye smeared with dairy-free Russian dressing and a scoop of carrot-andcabbage slaw soaked in pickled beet juice. The fake-meat sandwich outperformed a real-meat one, the chicken â&#x20AC;&#x153;tartineâ&#x20AC;? whose seasonal flourish (anemic rhubarb compote) couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t rescue the kind of disappointingly dry grilled paillards youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d expect from an overpriced Caesar salad served at a hotel pool. But speaking of Caesars, SoWeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s charred-romaine version is aces. The salty, lemony dressing sharpened all the edges: smoky grilled lettuce, fat shrimp (also from the grill) and pristine lumps of crab. That salad, followed by a remarkably juicy pork chop stuffed with garlicky spinach, really crystallize SoWeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s neighborhood-bistro ambitions. Just stick to the peanut-butter-brownie sundae ribboned with fudge and studded with shriveled roasted grapes for dessert; the red-velvet â&#x20AC;&#x153;Krimpet,â&#x20AC;? a crimson olive-oil cake cut to ape the Tastykake classic, arrived missing its butterscotch icing. You could also repair to the weathered-oak bar for a pour of something brown from Steelâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s carefully curated list of bourbons (20), ryes (10) and scotches (11). Or a chocolate-bacon martini, if you dare. I might try it next time. Drinks can surprise you, and so can restaurants youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been ignoring. (adam.erace@citypaper.net)

feedingfrenzy By Carly Szkaradnik

DAN MARINO

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[ food & drink ]

â&#x153;&#x161; Neighborhood Improvements

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Âł NOW SEATING Cheu Noodle Bar | After a couple of years of wildly buzzy pop-ups and plenty of speculation, chef Ben Puchowitz (Matyson) and business partner Shawn Darragh have finally set up shop â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been playing to a full house pretty much every night. The opening menu covered bases no one couldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve dreamed of (want a side of housemade scrapple with your ramen, or brisket and matzoh balls in chile broth?), and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been busily adding even more surprises. New tastes include fish ribs and barbecue pig tails; keep an eye out for more noodle options being crafted in-house (including gluten-free rice). BYOB pending liquor-license approval. Open Mon., Wed., Thu., Sun., 4-10 p.m.; Fri.-Sat., 4-11 p.m. 255 S. 10th St., 267-639-4136, cheunoodlebar.com. Pennsylvania 6 | The ownership team behind City Tap House and the Field House has gone in a decidedly different direction for their new Midtown Village spot. The old Tweed space has been given a seriously luxe makeover with an old-Hollywood feel, courtesy of red banquettes, marble and portraits of the likes of Sophia Loren. The menu, from chef Marc Plessis (XIX), is heavy on seafood and luxury â&#x20AC;&#x201D; expect an extensive raw bar and (because, why not?) bone marrow with a bourbon add-on for the luge-inclined. Hours will expand soon to include lunch and brunch. For now, dinner service begins at 5 p.m. but you can surely expect to linger until last call on the weekend. 114 S. 12th St., 267-639-5606, pennsylvania6philly.com. Strangeloveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Beer Bar | Husband-and-wife team

Leigh Maida and Brendan Hartranft (Memphis Taproom, Resurrection Ale House, Local 44) have finally ventured into Center City, but theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve managed to bring along some of the neighborhood feel thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s made their other bars so successful. Of course, an expert tap list and some good food donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hurt. Chef Paul Martin (formerly of Catahoula, Parc) has put together a menu with plenty of touches that reflect his time cooking in New Orleans, from catfish poâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; boys to Crystal-hot-sauce-spiked ketchup. Vegans will find themselves very well taken care of; the full menu is available until midnight. Open daily from 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. 216 S. 11th St., 215-873-0404, strangelovesbeerbar.com. Got A Tip? Please send restaurant news to restaurants@citypaper.net

or call 215-735-8444, ext. 207.

To place your FREE ad (100 word limit) ³ email lovehate@citypaper.net HORNY ALL THE TIME!!

You try to make someone feel inadequent in front of your friends and I don’t like it...I am so fucking tired of the games and all the shit that you take me through. I refuse to have a heart attack for you! It is so fucked up of how you may call yourself needing me when you need something, then you are claiming to love me all day long. Then the next thing you know that you are calling me fucking names. I hate you for that...if you really cherish what we have you would treat me a whole lot better. Get yourself together and do what needs to be done not only for me but for yourself.

Here I am at 42 and still can fuck like if I was in my teens. I just don’t get lucky with the ladies. I mean there is a lot if fantasy I would like to fullfill before I die. You know orgys, threesomes, swinging whatever I’m straight and stds free. My dick is hard rite now. God I hate myself for not getting enough cause I don’t get none. I wish I was a pornstar.

DEAR LOUD, SWEATY GRUNTING MAN

I HATE YOU Trying to get things taken care of in the worst way and here you go starting your bullshit again. I hate you and the fucking ground that you walk on. You make me sick and I can’t believe that you would

Wife and kids. He was so messed up he would forget where he was and who I am, then run out of my house saying he needed to go home and i would chase him around town and telling him, you are home. We fed and nursed him to a better state of mind with love and care. I researched all his medications and all his mental health conditions (witch i found all his mental health conditions stem from long term suboxone use). Then I spent days lecturing him till he understood whet was happening to his mind. I showed him proof that his doctors where killing him with the pills that they gave him and he agreed to get real help and stop using drugs. Then he went to rehab for thee mouths to get off Suboxone. He came out off rehab mean, edgy, and sleepy but clean.

PHONY BITCH Thank God your stupid ass was transferred. You couldn’t wait to suspend me and now your ass is transferred-haha. Karma is a B-I-O-T-C-H! It is so peaceful without your stinkin ass. Heard you are in your new hole permanently too-wow, prayers do get answered. Don’t miss ya at all!!!!-Bitch!

RESTAURANT CHEATS

in my workout class, while I think it’s great that you’re exercising and trying to get in shape, it’s really annoying to listen to you grunt and groan your way through our class. There are 12 of us that have curved our loud obnoxious workout noises so others can concentrate. It’s really hard to focus on going hard and sprinting the last minute of my set when your noises overshadow my muscles trying to sweat. It you know you’re a loud exercise person, stay home! You sound like a buffalo in heat sticking their vagina out. I really don’t want to think about that when when I’m staring in the mirror wondering how many calories I’m burning. Please do us all a favor and either suppress your noises with duct tape or do a solo session. -Kim

Why are restaurants in Philly cheating their staff??? They tell you they’ll pay $10.00 a hr but once you take the job you don’t get but $9.50. That Asian restaurant on a certain block of Center City takes the cake. Paydays are Friday, but they feel no compunction about delaying payday until Monday or Tuesday the following week. Can anyone tell us what to do? We’d sure appreciate it as that restaurant needs to go out of business. They have no regard for their employees!!!

TIMING

Sitting in the gard I said “This is all I need, a book, a beer, the garden, the cats and you.” and you said “You don’t need me.” And you’re right. I don’t need you, I’ve always been fairly independent, to the point where my mother said it was like I raised myself, and that is mostly because I’ve had to be. But people are not self-sufficient robots that exist in isolation, “it is only in relation to other bodies and many somebodies that anybody is somebody.” And I don’t need you, but you are kind, caring, thoughtful, strange funny, and challenging and I have so much admiration for you. I don’t ever want to take you for granted, and I’ll call you on your shit. And I don’t expect anything back from you, it’s a competition. But you make me somebody. So when I said, “No, I don’t need you, but I want you,” what I meant is, I love you, and I’ll save you some broccoli.

DEAR PHILLY

YOGA CUNT

tell me this stupid shit at the last fucking minute. You really didn’t prepare me for anything, I wish I never met you. I wish that you were never born! That is how much I hate you...If I could of...I would of busted you in your face with a large object and said to myself...”Oh fucking well, I guess I was supposed to give a fuck..but I don’t”. Everything, I mean everything that you do...you will fail. I just know it.

I SEE ALOT

LEATHER BLACK HAT GIRL I saw you at the Chestnut Street station on a Tuesday afternoon. You ended up getting off with me at Tasker and we walked fairly close until 6th Street, where you you almost hit by a car. I spoke to you a little and asked if you were ok. You were wearing a black dress, sunglasses, a black hat, and you were carrying an Urban Outfitters bag. Very fashion

✚ ADS ALSO APPEAR AT CITYPAPER.NET/lovehate. City Paper has the right to re-publish “I Love You, I Hate You”™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes re-purposing the ads for online publication, or for any other ancillary publishing projects.

I stood up to all his friends and threatened to kill them if they used him any more (a bluff on my part but, it worked). I moved him into my house with my

He moved in with his mom and stayed in contact with me up until a little more then 2 mouth ago. He relapsed and put him self back in rehab for 2 mouth then overdosed the day he got out.

If you think people are looking at you and talking about you...they are. Everyone knows what you did, and no one likes someone who goes around fucking other people’s boyfriends. Please stick to boring yoga instruction and stop spreading your legs for a bottle of wine and some fleeting attention. Your “I’m a good person because I ride a bike and live in a cummune” act isn’t fooling anyone. We all know that you don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself. Remember the night you told me “You’re one of my favorite people?” Bitch, you didn’t even know me than, and now I wish you didn’t.

P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R | M A Y 2 - M A Y 8 , 2 0 1 3 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T |

Just as I prepared to write this Real Love by one of your favorite R&B singers came on and you walked towards me. Great timing. I honestly don’t know how you got here but I’m happy you are. I remember the day we met...I was pissed from some work related issue and there you were holding the door for me with this huge grin that made me light up inside. I started not to call you. Little did I know you were here to take my worries away. I swear you are absolutely awesome. You know I find you irresitible even though we haven’t had sex yet. I want to but I gotta know you’re in it for the long run. I’ve been sexies for around 9 months now which is hard in the beginning like going cold turkey. I’m so sure that when we finally do get to release the inner freaks its gonna be befuckingnanas! Do you know how many times a day I think about sex? Alot. That’s why you catch me giggling thinking about how perveted I just made your construction project. Listen Sol....you are like the missing piece to my puzzle. You make all the craziness of the outside world appear only as a blur. All the qualities I like in a man I find them in you. You’re like the Yin to my Yang. Dam I really like you a lot. I might love you.

DEAR MONTECRISTO

Fuck You. I came into your stupid bubble of a city after having a job interview, thinking, hey. I might relocate here upon getting this job. My problem: I was offered the job. Your problem: I would never live here. I perused the streets in my car (yes, people outside cities own them), going from south philly to west philly to Mt. Airy just to get a feel of the hold “hood” I used to frequent when I went to college here in this shit hole....and let me tell you, a college degree was the only worthwhile thing I got from this concrete dump. My immediate realization was that this trash dump is just as bad, if not worse that I remember.... just bullshit. Dogs being walked by their owners on steaming hot sidewalks, people fishing from FDR statepark (nasty, you would eat whatever crawls out of there?) and people just in general breathing that smell...you know what smell I mean. Do yourselves a favor and pick up after yourselves and plant a goddamn tree.

forward. I thought you were absolutely stunning. I never do this, but now I really regret not making a more aggressive attempt to speak to you. Maybe we can get coffee sometime since we seem to live in the same neighborhood? I can protect you from wayward cars. Email me at: readingontrain@gmail.com

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ALWAYS SOMETHING...

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[ i love you, i hate you ]

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merchandise market Laptops Net Ready, Wireless From $129 Tablets from $149. Call 610.453.2525

2013 Hot Tub/Spa. Brand New! 5 person w/lounger, color lights, maint. free cabinet. Cover. Never installed. Cost $6500. Ask $2750. Can deliver. 610-952-0033. US Open golf tickets wanted for all dates paying $150 & Up 818.262.3947

BRAZILIAN FLOORING 3/4", beautiful, $2.75 sf (215) 365-5826

33&45 RECORDS HIGHER $ Really Paid

CABINETS KITCHEN SOLID WOOD Brand new soft close/dovetail drawers Crown Molding 25 Colors, Never Installed! Cost $5,300. Sell $1,590. 610-952-0033

33 & 45 Records Absolute Higher $

Diabetic Test Strips Needed pay up to $25/box. Most brands. 610-453-2525

BD a Memory Foam Mattress/Bx spring Brand New Queen cost $1400, sell $299; King cost $1700 sell $399 610-952-0033

BR/LR/Patio Sets - Couch, loveseat, bed, bureau, plus tables. Call 215-919-1715

**Bob610-532-9408***

62 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

M A Y 2 - M A Y 8 , 2 0 1 3 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

Handicap Scooter - 4 wheeled golden avenger. 400lb. wait cap. 215-757-1747

Please be aware Possession of exotic/wild animals may be restricted in some areas.

To learn more or to find the right person for your job, visit your local partner at philly.com/monster

MALTESE - Female toy, 4 pounds, AKC reg. up to date on shots, $1,500. Call 305308-3416 Marlton, NJ. Pit Bull Blue Pups - UKC cert., 2 females, $500/each. Call 215-910-6935 PUGGLE PUPS - Ready now, vet checked, shots, 2F, $350/ea. Call 717-606-3020

Bichon Frise akc F/M pups, $550 vet cked Ready 4/16, family raised 717.225.5047 Cavalier King Charles Spaniel-Gorgeous Black/Tan Pups, M/F. Call 484.332.3516

PUG PUPPIES - ACA reg. Family raised, vet checked, health guar. Ready now, males $525, 1 female $575. 717-442-8001

English Labrador Yellow Pups $1,000 OFA/AKC Cert Ready 5/22 717.587.3990 German Shepherd Pups - AKC, large bones, Champ. parents. 610-845-7022 German Shepherd Pups: DDR/Czech working lines, exc temp, health/hips guar. AKC, parents onsite. 856-776-6138 Havanese Pups AKC, home raised. 262.993.0460, noahslittleark.com

apartment marketplace

Rittenhouse Sq. vic unique 1BR $1850 All amens. Call Ruth at (215) 568-3999

25th & Brown 2BR $800 Large apt. Call 215-752-2611

13xx S. 58th St. 2br $700 heat incl 2nd floor, 2 mo. rent. Call 484-461-2171

everything pets pets/livestock

Caregiver Avail. To care for your loved one Reliable w/car. Call 484-636-7392

***215-200-0902***

Books -Trains -Magazines -Toys Dolls - Model Kits 610-639-0563 Coins, MACHINIST TOOLS, Militaria, Swords, Watches Jewelry 215-742-6438 I Buy Guitars & All Musical Instruments-609-457-5501 Rob JUNK CARS WANTED We buy Junk Cars. Up to $300 215-888-8662

DINING ROOM SET, Antique. Solid mahogany. Unusual Lyre base. Six chairs, 4 leaves. This set has been in our family for decades and is being sold well under value. $1,950. Call (561)271-1831

HEALTH & MEDICAL PRODUCTS/SERVICES

jobs

ROTTWEILER PUPS - ACA, farm family raised, S/W, ready 4/26, $750, Lebanon County. 717-949-3093 or 717-821-0659 SHELTIES - AKC, blue merles, mostly white M & F, tri-females, great pedigrees. Call 610-838-7221 YORKIE MIX PUPS M and F. 2 F Morkies. Vet checked, s/w, health guarantee. $475. 856-563-0351

1br/1ba $475 + utils 1br/1ba $595 + utils 1st mo., last mo. sec. Call 215-498-1782

apartment marketplace 1, 2, 3, 4 BEDROOM

FURNISHED APTS Laundry-Parking 215-223-7000

3xx E Claremont Rd. 2BR/1BA $800 267-841-5109 5846 N. Marvine 1br $600+utils renovated, close to trans (215)480-6460 5853 N Camac 1BR $660 + utils renov, 267-271-6601 or 215-416-2757 Church Lane Court-600 Church Lane Fieldview Apt-705 Church Lane Julien-5600 Ogontz/Eli Ct.1418 Conlyn Studio, 1bdr & 2bdr -From$450-$850 Move in specials-215-276-5600

8139 WILLIAMS AVE., East Mt. Airy. 2/1 $800/mo. + gas and electric. 2nd floor, recently renovated, near public transport and malls. call Roger 267-496-6323

5745 Charles St. 2BR/1BA $675+ gas & electric, 2nd floor. 267-456-8383 6806 Ditman St 1BR on site parking, laundry. 215-525-5800 Lic# 212704 Bridesburg - Tacony St. 1br $650 Remodeled kit, Sect 8 OK. 215-518-6631

Glenview St. 2BR $775 W/D, D/W, C/A, new W/W, near Cottman Mall. Credit Check. Call 215-858-1164

Red Lion & E Keswick 2br $800+utils new reno, 215.613.8989, 267.746.8696 RHAWN & BLVD. 2BR/1BA $800 c/a & ht, w/d, d/w, w/w, (267) 971-4635

Lansdowne/Yeadon NICE 2 BR $800 gar, Near trans, credit chk 610.212.2889 YEADON Area Beaut/Upgraded 1 & 2 BR W/D, Spring Special 215-681-1723

52nd & Parrish

602 N 55th St 1BR $550+Utils No Pets, Sec 8 Ok 215.473.6007 60xx Cedarhurst St. 1br $600+utils. Clean, fresh paint, hdwd flrs, close to transp. sec. dep. Call 215-880-0612

9xx Belmont Ave 1br $650 extra lg apt, eait in kit, 267-713-2579 W. Phila. Apts for 65 & older, brand new eff,1 & 2BR units. Call 215.386.4791 W. Phila/Parkside 1BR $750+utils Furnished ground floor, beautifully re stored, row house, accessorized kit, beamed ceilings, orig. plank floors, Lrg BBQ Deck, ample free parking on street, W/D, trolley & 38/40 bus stop in front. For rent by owner 917. 445.4149

4XX N. Gross St. 1BR $600/mo. $1800 to move in. Newly renov. 215-284-7944 Apartment Homes $650 - $995 www.perutoproperties.com 215.740.4900

1 BR & 2 BR Apts $735-$835 spacious, great loc., upgraded, heat incl, PHA vouchers accepted 215-966-9371 5211 Greene St. 1br $650+utils Great location. Call 610-287-9857 5220 Wayne Ave Studio on site lndry, 215-525-5800 Lic# 507568 52xx Germantown Ave. 1BR/1BA $625 + utils. W/D, 2nd flr. Call 215-783-4736 58 East Herman St. 1BR/1BA. $575 Carpet, paint, nr trans. 215-990-9709 DO YOU HAVE A SECTION 8 VOUCHER? Apts in Germantown and Olney-SPECIALS 1bdr&2bdr- GAS, WATER, HEAT FREE! Quiet, New Renov, Safe Living Community Call to schedule appt- 215.276.5600 Wayne Junction Effic. $475+elec priv kit & ba $1000 mv in 215-416-6538

16xx Woodbrook Ln. 1BR $700/mo+ Util, 2+1, 1st flr, Kitchen, No Pets 215.247.6679

Asbury Lawnton 1BR $645 + sec. dep. Newly renov. 215-868-4968

18xx W. Venango 1br & 1 Studio $500 + utils. Near Temple. Call 267-339-1662

4840 Oxford Ave Studio, 1Br, Ldry, 24/7 cam lic#214340 215.525.5800

31st & Clifford 2BR $650+utils. Sec 8 Ok, Sunny & Spacious Eat-In Kit, 1 Mo + 1 Mo Sec 267.407.9927

Frankford & Oxford 1BR $600 Also Efficiency, $500, utils included. We speak Spanish. Call 215-620-6261

Norristown: Sweede & Jacoby 1BR $780 Also 3BR split level $900 Minor & Arch 3BR/1.5BA $900 Renov. Dep. Call (267) 259-8449

3208 CECIL B. MOORE 2BR $600 Freshly painted, 1st mo rent & 1.5 mo sec. 215-828-6651

2435 W. Jefferson St. Rooms: $375/mo. Move in fee: $565. Call 215-913-8659 57xx Lansdowne room $400/mo. fully furn. 267-592-0478

A1 Nice, well maintained rms, N. & W. Phila. $85-$125/wk. Call 267-760-3148

Frankford, nice rm in apt, near bus & El, $300 sec, $90/wk & up. 215-526-1455 GERMANTOWN $450 includes utilities. Share house. 484-431-8474 Germantown Area: NICE, Cozy Rooms Private entry, no drugs (267)988-5890

Germantown, furn rms, renovated, share kitch&ba, $125+/wk 215-514-3960

Logan/WP/NP private entry, furnished, $85- $115/wk. also efficâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;y. 609-526-5411

Near Broad & Roosevelt Blvd. ROOM RENT due June 1st $530. Need Sec. Dep. & App fee $580 to move into clean furn ROOM ONE person ONLY! www.safehavenhomesllc.net. Apply online get $30 off. Call AL: 267-235-6555/856-341-0514 N. Phila - 2500 Oxford St. $100/wk. No Drugs, Pvt Bath, 267.721.0573 N. Phila: clean, modern rms, use of kit, no drugs,reasonable rent. 215-232-2268 N. Phila. furnished room. Washer/dryer available. $90 & up. Call 347-430-0939 N. Phila furn. room for rent $380/mo., $380 move in. Call (215) 954-1480

Special 1 week free: North Philadelphia furn. rooms $100/wk. Call 484-636-8205 SW Philadelphia $250 to move in. Share kitchen & bath. 267-251-2749 SW Phila - Newly renov, close to trans. $100/wk 1st wk FREE, 267-628-7454

SW Phila room 58th & Beaumont newly renov. $125 week. 347-262-3485 W Phila & G-town: Newly ren, Spacious clean & peaceful, SSI ok, 267.255.8665

18xx S. 5th St. 2BR/1BA $850 New reno, W/D, sec 8 ok. 215-748-3076 South 3br/1ba $1050 Renovated, W/D. Avail now. 215-601-5182

24xx S. 57th St. 2BR $725 + utils House. Rehabbed. Call 215-688-3689 55xx Osage 3BR $850 + utils 20xx 60th 1BR apt. 1st flr. $600 + utils "The landlord that cares" Mark 610-764-9739 Brandy 609-598-2299

Chevy 210 Sports Coupe 1957 $18,500 No Post, 9 yr restoration, brand new drive train from GM. Ask for Joe 215-880-6264 Chevy Lumina 1998 $1499 Nissan Maxima 1999 $1899 Chrysler Town & County 2000 $2199 Mercury Sable 2001 $1799 Chevy Malibu 2002 $2399 RECESSION SPECIALS 215.520.7890 Lexus 300 gs 2006 $20,000 35k Mi, 1 Owner 215.850.6561

MERCEDES 500sl 2003 $27,500 Convertible, all options, desert silver exterior, stone interior, garage kept, mint cond. 21,600 orig. mi. Call 610-613-0354

Beautifully renovated Call (267)981-2718

60 th/Race 3br/1ba $725/mo. + util. 215-747-8150 West Phila 1br- 6br $800+ Sec. 8 housing. w/w, h/w, w/d, Call 267-773-8265

W. Philly 2 BD 215-582-8686

$650 mo.

xx N. Salford St. 3BR 1BA $750/mo porch, back yard. SSI ok 215-519-5437

836 Wynnewood Rd. 2BR/1BA $850 On 1st flr. Large LR, Eat-In Kit Porch & Pvt backyard. Near Trans Call 267.250.2178

25xx Jessup St 3br/1ba $800 +UTILS Nice St. close to Temple Sec 8 ok New Remod, 856.237.3244

3346 N. Sydenham 3br/1ba $700 1mo. sec, 1mo. rent. Call 267-496-5550

Rosewood 1BR $650+utils large, c/a, 1st month free! 917-650-6855 Temp Hosp area 4br sngl fam Avail Now Move in Special 215-386-4791 or 4792

4505 N. 18th St. 3br/1ba $750 1mo. sec, 1mo. rent. Call 267-496-5550

47xx N. Camac St. 4BR/1.5BA $1,400 +utils. Sec. 8 ok. Call 215-264-2340

6326 Woodstock 3BR/1.5BA Open House on Saturday, April 27th from 1pm-3pm. Call 215-324-1365

35xx Braddock St, 19134 PHA SEC 8 OK . 2 br, 1 ba, 1 blk from public transp, front porch, yard, wash/dryer refrig. $700/mo,+util. 215-946-6000 7xx E Allegheney 3BR/1BA $795 sec 8 ok, no pets. Call 215-539-7866

4978 Whitaker Ave 3BR/1.5BA $850 plus. Beaut. cond, C/A, finished bsmt, gar, no pets, Jimmy 215-920-8397

ADOPTION: Loving, Active Couple Hoping to Adopt. Home full of love, laughter & security for your baby! Help with expenses. Call George & Heather 1-877-370-2422.

Public Notices

A1 PRICES FOR JUNK CARS FREE TOW ING , Call (215) 726-9053

low cost cars & trucks Buick LeSabre 1999 $2,800 Insp., mint cond. Call 610-667-4829 Cadillac CTS 2004 $4250/OBO 112,000 mi. Runs great. 267-825-2315 CHEVY IMPALA 2005 $3450 Silver, CD, wing. 267-592-0448 Chevy Lumina 1997 $1450 All pwr, 4dr, 95K, runs exc. 215.620.9383 Ford Explorer XLT 2004 $3,495 4x4, new tires, gorgeous. 610-524-8835 FORD TAURUS 2006 $3675 low miles, wing, clean, 267-592-0448 Ford Taurus SE 2006 $2850 4 door, loaded, clean, CD, 215-847-7346 Honda Accord EX-L 2002 $3,895 v6, leather, sunrf, gorgeous 610.524.8835 HONDA EX 1994 $2,500 166,000 miles, new transmission and shock absorbers, garaged, selling due to death, no negotiation. 215-382-7920 Jaguar XJ8L 1998 $3,500 Runs great, clean, 104K. 215-477-9236 Jaguar XJ8 Vanden Plas 2000 $2,000/OBO. Sun Roof, Excel. cond., insp. 12/31/13. 145k. No damg. 267-975-4483

Jeep Grand Cherokee 2000 $2700/OBO Runs great 4x4. Call 267-441-4612 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 1998 $1950 All Pwrs, Needs no work 215.620.9383 Pontiac Aztek 2004 $1,750/OBO 200,000 mi. Runs great. 215-863-7557 Saturn L300 2002 $2,895 leather, sunrf, gorgeous 610-524-8835 Volvo 740 Wagon 1988 $995 Auto, Insp, Runs Exc 215.620.9383

Become an Aviation Maintenance Tech. FAA approved training. Financial aid if qualified-Housing available. Job placement assistance. CALL Aviation Institute of Maintenance 888-834-9715. DISCOVER THE “SUCCESS AND MONEYMAKING SECRETS”

THEY don’t want you to know about.To get your FREE “Money Making Secrets” CD, please call 1(800) 790-5752. EDUCATION

EARN $500 A DAY: Airbrush & Media Makeup Artists For: Ads-TV-Film-Fashion Train & Build Portfolio in 1 week. Lower Tuition for 2013. www.AwardMakeupSchool.com JUNIOR RACERS WANTED!

Junior Racers Wanted! If your family life revolves around your child’s racing events, ages 4 to 10, Production Company wants your story. Email: realcasting101@gmail.com SAWMILLS

SAWMILLS from only $3997MAKE MONEY & SAVE MONEY with your own bandmill-Cut lumber any dimension. In stock ready to ship. FREE Info & DVD: www.NorwoodSawmills. com/300N 1-800-578-1363 Ext. 300N. WORK EXCHANGE

Retreat Center in CA. Seeking good men, 23-45, strong with spiritual interest. Handson work, metal shop, foundry, includes room, board, living allowance 4150 month www. volunteer.odiyan.org Email volunteer@odiyan.org

Automotive Marketplace CASH FOR CARS

ANY CAR/Truck. Running or Not! Top Dollar Paid. We Come to You! Call for Instant Offer. 1888-420-3808 www.cash4car. com

Business Services ATTEND COLLEGE ONLINE

from Home. *Medical *Business *Criminal Justice, Hospitality. Job placement assistance. Computer available. Financial Aid if qualified. SCHEV authorized. Call 800-481-9472. HYPERLINK http.// www.CenturaOnline.com. www/CenturaOnline.com BUSINESS OWNERS / INVESTORS

Fast, flexible, funding solutions available to purchase or refinance commercial real estate. Call MCG 1-888-258-0658.Visit www.mcgfinancing.net

NOTICES

Pursuant to @128.85 of the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture Title 7 Regulations, GROWMARK FS, LLC. hereby gives notice of ground application of “Restricted Use Pesticides” for the protection of agricultural crops in municipalities in Pennsylvania during the next 45 days. Residents of contiguous property to our application sites should contact your local GROWMARK FS, LLC. facility for additional infor mation. Concer ned citizens should contact: Michael Layton, MGR> Safety & Environment, mlayton@ growmarkfs,com GROWMARK FS, LLC. 308 N.E. Front Street, Milford, DE 19963. Call 302-422-3002

real estate

Homes for Sale WHY RENT WHEN YOU CAN OWN NA BEAUTIFUL HOME?

South Philadelphia. For Sale. $3,000 down. Mortgage payment: $1050/mo. Regular credit. Call 215-292-2076.

Three+ Bedrooms PACKER PARK NEAR THE STADIUM

3 B D U LT R A M O D E R N , THIS HOUSE HAS STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES, JACUZZI, LARGE DECK, CENTRAL AIR, PRIVATE PARKING, FINISHED DEN, WASHER & DRYER. ($1,950). ASK FOR SILVIA: 215-3890295.

Office/ Retail COMMERCIAL OFFICE SPACE FOR RENT

319 North 11th Street 1st Floor, 4,500 Sq. Ft., Private Entrance AC, Gas Heat, 4 Executive Offices, 2 Secretarial Offices, Meeting Room + Kitchen Area, Parking Available. $4,600/mo. For more info call: 215-8821187 or email: arrowsew@ aol.com

Roommates ALL AREAS-ROOMATES. COM

Browse hundreds of online listings with photos and maps. Find your roommate with a click of the mouse! Visit: http:// www.Roommates.com.

jobs

Land/ Lots for Sale LAND FOR SALE

UP STATE NY COUNTRYSIDE SPRING LAND SALE. $5,000 Off Each Lot. 6 AC w/ Trout Stream $29,995. 3 AC/ So. Tier: $15,995. 5.7 AC On the River: $39,995. Beautiful & All Guaranteed Buildable. Financing Available...Offers End 5/15/13... Call Now: 1800-229-7843 www.landandcamps.com

Resort/ Vacation Property for Sale VACATION RENTALS

OCEAN CITY, MARYLAND. Best selection of affordable rentals. Full/partial weeks. Call for FREE brochure. Open daily. Holiday Real Estate. 1-800638-2102 Online reservations: www.holidayoc.com.

rentals

Apartments for Rent 29TH NEAR GIRARD, 2BR APT.

North Philadelphia. 29th St. near Girard Ave. 2-bedroom apartment. $575.00 per month + gas and electric. 215-5747818. 3700 BLOCK OF SPRINGARDEN STREET

B E AU T I F U L 2 B D, 3 R D

Help Wanted – Regional HOME CARE AIDES WANTED

RELIANCE HOME CARE SEEKING C.N.A.’S FOR LIVEIN OR HOURLY POSITIONS IN PHILA. AND SUBURBAN AREAS. $100 Bonus for hired live-ins. CALL HEATHER JENNINGS FOR INFORMATION AT 610-896-6030

Help Wanted – General HELP WANTED

Heavy Equipment Operator Career! 3 Weeks Hands On Training School. Bulldozers, Backhoes, Excavators. National Certifications. Lifetime Job Placement Assistance. VA Benefits Eligible! 1-866362-6497. HELP WANTED DRIVER

$4K Sign on$-CDL Driver Average $800-$1000 per week. No Touch Freight. Weekly Home Time! Class A w/1 yr exp. HOGAN Benefits Available. Hogan Deidicated. Call Kim @ 866-275-8838. HELP WANTED DRIVER

AVERITT OFFERS CDLA DRIVERS a STRONG, STABLE, PROFITABLE, CAREER. Experienced Drivers and Recent Grads-Excellent Benefits, Weekly Hometime. Paid training. 888-362-8608 AverittCareers.com Equal Opportunity Employer. HELP WANTED DRIVER

DRIVE REFRIGERATEDUp to 47 CPM- “ As You Go”

HELP WANTED DRIVER

Driver-One Cent Raise after 6 and 12 months. $0.03 Enhanced Quarterly Bonus. Daily or Weekly Pay, Hometime Options. CDL-A, 3 months OTR exp.800-414-9569 www.driveknight.com HELP WANTED DRIVER

Druvers: CDL-A DRIVERS NEEDED! Solos up to $.38/ mile. $.50/mile for Hazmat Teams. New Trucks Arriving Daily! 800-942-2104 Ext. 7308 or 7307 www.TotalMS.com HELP WANTED DRIVER

Exp. Reefer Drivers: GREAT PAY/Freight lanes from Presque, Isle, ME, Boston-Lehigh, PA. 800-277-0212 or primeinc.com HELP WANTED DRIVER

GORDON TRUCKING, INC.. CDL-A Drivers Needed! Up to $3,000 SIGN ON BONUS...Refrigerated Fleet & Great Miles! Up to .46 cpm w/10 years experience. Full Benefits, 401k, EOE. No N.E. Runs! TeamGTI. com EOE 866-554-7856. HELP WANTED!

Make extra money in our free ever popular homailer program, includes valuable guidebook! Start immediately! Genuine! 1-888-292-1120 www.easyworkfromhome.com $$$HELP WANTED$$$

Extra Income! Assembling CD cases from Home! No Experience Necessary! Call our Live Operator Now! 1-800-405-7619 Ext. 2450 http://www.easyworkgreatpay.com

PAID IN ADVANCE

Paid in Advance! MAKE up to $1000 A WEEK mailing brochures from home! Helping Home Workers since 2001! Genuine Oppor tunity! No Experience required. Start Immediately! www.mailingstation.com PT INSTRUCTOR

JEVS Prison Program needs a PT Evening Computer Skills/ Job Readiness Instructor to work Monday - Thursday, 4-7pm. $16/hr. Please use “PT - INST” in the subject line. Bachelor’s degree or 2 years experience directly related to the duties and responsibilities specified. Teaching and facilitation skills required. Must submit to a background c h e ck . S e n d r e s u m e t o hrmanager2@jevs.org for consideration. EOE STYLIST WANTED 65/35 SPLIT

We are currently looking for stylist /w books. We are looking for experienced, motivated professionals who understand the concept of teamwork and want to be par t of an up and coming salon under new ownership. if interested please contact Nikki at 215941-2260 for more information. Text always OK, For calls Wednesday afternoon -Sunday evening best time to contact. Immediate placement available.

Research WE PAY FOR YOUR OPINIONS

Participate in focus groups & interviews in Center City Philly. Earn $50-250 for your time! Sign up at www.focusgroup. com

&!)2-/5.4 &,%! -!2+%4 LARGEST OUTDOOR FLEA MARKET IN CENTER CITY

Surrounding The Historic Eastern State Penitentiary At 22nd & Fairmount More Than 200 Vendors Featuring Antiques, Collectibles, Vintage Furniture, Jewelry, Pottery, Great Food & Just Plain Fun Junque!

THIS SAT, MAY 4TH (RAIN DATE - SUNDAY)

8AM til 5PM

Parking Available In The Lot At 22nd & Fairmount

Use 2201 Fairmount Ave, 19130 For GPS More Info:

215 - 625 - FLEA (3532) www.PhilaFleaMarkets.org

Proceeds Benefit Friends Of Eastern State Penitentiary Park

MAYFAIR 3BR/2.5BA $1250+utils Close to transp., W/D, full bsmt., parking, patio. Call 215-947-2805 8am-8pm

ADOPTION

PennSCAN

Performance Pay- No Waiting for a Bonus! Great Benfits, Flexible Home Time, CDL-A, 1-year experience. 800-5358174 www.goroehl.com

P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R | M A Y 2 - M A Y 8 , 2 0 1 3 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T |

17th St & Chew Ave. 4BR 1.5BA $2,000. Steps from LaSalle U & Olney Transp. Center. Stainless steel appliances, washer/dryer, finished basement. Tenant pays gas & electric. STUDENTS WELCOME! 215-917-7605

Adoptions

AIRLINE CAREERS

2BR & 3BR Houses Sec. 8 Welcome

57xx Lansdowne efficiency, $600/mo. util. incl. 267-592-0478

market place

Special Price! $45/hr. Call (215)-873-4835. 1218 Chestnut St.

F L O O R , A PA R T M E N T, NEWLY PAINTED, AIR-CONDITIONER, (NON-SMOKING & NO PETS). IN A QUIET HOME. $950 UTILITIES INCLUDES UTILITIES. CALL RICHARD: CALL BETWEEN 9AM-9PM 215-222-4291.

classifieds

69th & Elmwood 2BR House Section 8 ok, must see. 215-885-1700

automotive

REGULAR MASSAGE THERAPY

the naked city | feature | a&e | the agenda | food

homes for rent

billboard [ C I T Y PA P E R ]

M AY 2 - M AY 8 , 2 0 1 3 CALL 215-735-8444

Building Blocks to Total Fitness

12 Years of experience. Offering personal fitness training, nutrition counseling, and flexibility training. Specialize in osteoporosis, injuries, special needs. In home or at 12th Street Gym. MCKFitness@yahoo.com

Azuka Theatre Presents Failure: A Love Story 5/8 - 5/26 @ Off-Broad Street Theater www.azukatheatre.org

I BUY RECORDS, CDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S, DVDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S

FREE DRINKING SMARTPHONE APP!!!

City Paper is very pleased to bring you our very first smartphone app! Just go to www.citypaper.net and click our martini glass icon to find out more, or type in â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Happy Hours in the app store, android marketplace, or blackberry app world. Click the orange martini icon and get drinking. No matter where you go or when you go, you can find the nearest happy hours to you with a single click! You can even sort through bars by preference or neighborhood.

TOP PRICES PAID. No collection too small or large! We buy everything! Call Jon at 215-805-8001 or e-mail dingo15@hotmail.com

AWARD WINNING, WORLD FAMOUS CUSTOM STUDIO ARTISTIC TATTOOING!

Philadelphia Eddies 621 Tattoo Haven 621 South 4th St (Middle of Tattoo Row) 215-922-7384 Open 7 Days

EVERYTHING ON SALE! Gotta Make Room for the NEW! BIZARRE BAZAAR 720 South 5th St, Phillyville NEW HOURS: 12-8pm Daily

LATE NIGHT FOOD DELIVERY 11 p.m. - 4 a.m. 7 nights (267) 237-1292 Looking For Good Clients Federal To Vine - Front To 20th

WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON TAP AT THE WATKINS DRINKERY?

Long Trail Centennial Red Ale Otter Creek Russian Imperial Stout Starr Hill Monticello Wheat Roy Pitz Old Jail Ale Heavy Seas Small Craft Warning River Horse Hopalatamus IPA All that and more at the Watkins Drinkery in South Philadelphia. Corner of 10th & Watkins 215-339-0175

STUDY GUITAR W/ THE BEST David Joel Guitar Studio All Styles All Levels. Former Berklee faculty member. Masters Degree with 27 yrs. teaching experience. 215.831.8640 www.myphillyguitarlessons.com

Sexual Intelligence

2nd ANNUAL PAWS BENEFIT!

Jackie O. presents the 2nd Annual PAWS Benefit Show SAT 6/8 at Finniganâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Wake (downstairs) at 3rd & Spring Garden: Outlaw Pandas, Clashing Plaid, Supreem & The New Experience, Welter; awesome raffle & prizes! Cover: $10 donation

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s true! Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re here and delivered daily! 1356 North Front Street 215-634-6430

Size 14 and above also accepting Vendor Applications, Sponsorships & Advertising Available. For Tickets & Info Call: 215-222-7127 www.wilkesproductions.com

SPRING CLEANOUT SALE! @ The Bizarre Bazaar

USA Cheesesteak Express

LE BUS Sandwiches & MOSHEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S Vegan Burritos, Wraps and Salads Now Available at the EL BAR!

BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN PAGEANT 8/11 Looking for Contestants

TEQUILA SUNRISE RECORDS

525 West Girard Ave VINYL AND CD SPECIALISTS CLASSIC & MODERN GLOBAL SOUNDS HOUSE TECHNO DUBSTEP DUB DISCO FUNK SOUL JAZZ DIY PUNK LSD ROCK AND LIGHT HARMONY ROOTS BLUES NOISE AVANT AND MORE TUESDAY-SUNDAY 12-6PM 01-215-965-9616

Guaranteed-quality, body-safe sexuality products, lubricants, male room, sex-ed classes, fetish gear, Aphrodite Gallery SEXPLORATORIUM 620 South 5th Street www.sexploratoriumstore.com

HAPPY HOUR AT THE DIVE FREE PIZZA! $2 BEER OF THE WEEK! $2 WELL DRINKS! ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S AMAZING! PASSYUNK AVE (7th & CARPENTER) 215-465-5505 myspace.com/thedivebar

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