Philadelphia City Paper, I Love You I Hate You, March 8th, 2012

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4=@3E/@2 If you’re a regular reader of Philadelphia City Paper, then you’re no doubt familiar with “I Love You, I Hate You,â€? our little experiment in participatory journalism. “I Love You, I Hate Youâ€? offers a revealing glimpse into the psyche of Philadelphia. A roundup of emotionally charged rants and raves guaranteed to entertain, each one launches an arrow — either the Cupid’s variety or a metaphorically razor-sharp one — at a target somewhere out there in our city. Many display impressive, carefully crafted language. Others, well, don’t. City Paper has been publishing the missives free of charge in our classified section each week since 1999. Free postings, years before Craigslist! The entries can be witty, spiteful, heartfelt, steamy or surprising — at times deeply disturbing, at other times unapologetically sappy. You’ll find all those attributes, and many more, on display in this collection of highlights from the early years of the feature. Hint: They’re great for reading aloud. To place your FREE ad (100-word limit), go to citypaper.net and click on the LOVE/HATE tab near the top of the page. Ads also appear at citypaper.net/lovehate. City Paper has the right to republish “I Love You, I Hate Youâ€? ™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes repurposing the ads for online publication or for any other ancillary publishing projects.

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AB/44 Publisher Nancy Stuski | Editor Theresa Everline | Copy Editor Emily Guendelsberger | Production Director Michael Polimeno | Creative Director Reseca Peskin | Art Director Alyssa Grenning | Designer Evan M. Lopez | Advertising Director Eileen Pursley | Senior Account Managers Nick Cavanaugh (x260), Sharon MacWilliams (x262), Stephan Sitzai (x258) | Account Managers Sara Carano (x228), Chris Scartelli (x215), Donald Snyder (x213) | Marketing/ Online Coordinator Jennifer Francano (x252) | Office Coordinator/Adult Advertising Sales Alexis Pierce (x234) Sales and Financial Coordinator Tricia Bradley “Best ofâ€? Selections Michael Polimeno Illustrations Alyssa Grenning Philadelphia City Paper, 123 Chestnut St., 3rd Fl., Philadelphia, PA 19106 Phone. 215-735-8444 Fax. 215-735-8353| citypaper.net Contents copyright Š 2012, Metroweek Corp. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Metroweek Corp. assumes no responsibility (other than cancellation of charges for actual space occupied) for accidental errors in advertising but will be glad to furnish a signed letter to the buying public.

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AC;>BC=CA 2/E< Dear H: You are the sumptuous dawn that has given light and hope to the ebony night of my soul. My heart soars to think of you and the quiet passionate dove of your heart fills my being with the light and lightness that is the joy and meaning of my existence. I love you with all of the depth and breadth of my being. You are so special, and totally unlike that miserable screeching harlot that I am married to. Don’t worry about the blowjobs! I’ll teach you how to suck my cock till I splooge in your hot office. I love you more than life itself. Thanks for letting me cum on your feet. Yours forever. —A

63G 6=B /AA( To the girl of my dreams: Sometimes when you love someone so much, the little things really hurt. They affect the BIG PICTURE! A picture of two old people (in 50 years) hobbling around, complaining to each other about gas prices and how young people have no respect. Problems arise, but I now believe love really can conquer it all. I’m getting over it and learning from it consequently. We are soul mates and that’s not something many people can say. I love you.

7 433: 1@/HG I called your cell without leaving a message. I realize I’m not permitted to and I’m sorry. I really am trying to respect your wishes. At times, though, I get caught up reading messages of love and hate thinking one could be from you. I ask myself, could it be him reaching out to me? Should I call? I’m making things up in my mind ... identifying with scenarios that most likely belong to others. Hey, you, sane people don’t do this, right? I feel crazy.

>=>>32 A6=C:23@ 8=7<B 5CG I sit in my apartment in Monte Verde, all types of missing you. We fight like I am a bitch, and sometimes we kiss like we know what love is. I am over it,

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for I am only young and have a life to go after, yet so enthralled because I want that love ... that feeling. I just threw up in my mouth when I typed the word love. What the hell? That sucks. What I feel for you is my own fear blocking anything that might be a really good feeling. I need to heal this repression, and come back to you and be able to feel what I want — love, minus the throwup. I know we go perfect together ... that’s it. Two o’clock alias ... oh shit, I just barfed again in my mouth ... oh what?

B7</( If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you.

075 87;( I fantasize about plucking your ass hairs with my teeth, then creating a seal with my lips on the rim of your asshole and inhaling deeply as you push out 100ccs of your most toxic gas. Then I want to chew the morning crust out of your eyes and suck on your dirty Q-tips. The piece de resistance? When I wring out your all-day-summer-sweat-socks into a champagne flute and sip delicately, rolling every drop around my mouth. That’s love.

2= G=C 9<=E  How bad you frustrate me? I don’t think that you do. Every time you touch me, it sends quivers to the spot where I really want to be touched. And some day, baby, real

soon, all of those nasty thoughts I’ve had about the things that we are going to do to each other will become reality & not just something we do on the phone.

6=B >@=2C13 5CG( I’ve noticed you eyeing my melons, I’m curious about your cucumber. We should get together and smoke some herbs. How do you like them apples? —Not-a-celery-stalk-er.

00 When I met you, you said your heart might be broken, but that you weren’t sure. I’m getting more used to the idea of never knowing your name. Just do me a favor, keep coming out on Tuesday nights. Keep sitting next to me and let me buy you a drink every once in a while. One night I’m going to kiss that mouth, and shove my face in that armpit and take you into the bathroom. Watching you smoke cigarettes has become unbearable. I have an erection right now.

AC;;7B >/@9( Since I moved, I have been the happiest motherfucker in the world. Even though I got a severe Percocet and alcohol problem, things have never been looking so up. Everywhere I look there’s a hot-ass bitch. Even though none of them want anything to do with me, I can still stare. I jerk off ALL THE TIME! Summit ass rules, but my wrist kills!!! Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS &

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@C< /E/G E7B6 ;3 I keep killing myself over what we don’t have and forget about what we do have together. We found each other and I am thankful. I loved every hot sexy moment with you. I need you. Every minute I’m alone I fantasize about you breaking through my door, throwing me down and sticking your rock-hard dick in me. Pounding me hard and strong till I cum. Then sticking it in my ass just to remind me you are the boss of me. But for now that’s just a fantasy. And I guess one day you’ll realize I was the one that got away.

8=3;=( I want to bang the shit out of you ... literally. Afterwards I’ll strap you to the roof of my car and drive through the car wash just as you like to make your cheeks squeaky clean again. All my unhealthy love for you and my own selfhatred, Tazmo.

7< G=C@ 0=F To the blond day bartender at the boathouse: I want to live in your box. I want my head to be moist and warm. I want to use your pubic hair as a blanket. Every time I eat lunch at your bar, I almost cream my pants. Why do you tease me with that stupid wedding ring, I know that our love can look beyond those dumbass vows. I want you to tie knots around my dick with your long blond locks and then let me shove my nose deep in your crack. If

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you want my nose in your ass, just let me know. You know who I am.

children, just let me know. —The Photocopy Girl

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All I need is 15 minutes in the walkin. I promise to keep it out of your bangs. —Jet’.

Well, we finally did it — I knew it would be good after all the teasing and the flirting and the whole “I’m your boss and you’re forbidden� thing, but I didn’t know it would be the best I ever had. Mind blowing. I promised myself I wouldn’t get the chic disease called “feelings,� but here they fucking are. Damn. One night or five thousand, I have no regrets. I’m not “I wanna hold your hand in the mall� emotional, but I hope I can find you in my bed again. See you at work — our BIG secret.

@/< B63 ;/<( I love the way you gave me head. I swear I thought you went paralyzed. I know you have that cute little girlfriend, but hey, I guess she could watch! I need that again, Big Guy! Call me. No excuses, you have your bro’s car now. Peace out.

@3( @/< B63 ;/< Who wrote that about me giving good head ‌ cause it’s damn true. I’d give head in a boat, I’d give head to a goat. I’d give head in a chair, I’d even lick ass, I don’t care. I’ll fuck your sister, I’ll fuck your cat. I would fuck your mother, but the bitch is too fat. Anyway, tell me who you are, slut.

2/:3( If you want someone to have your

00( I love our highs. I love our lows. I love that I can be myself in front of you and with you. I really could not have imagined that something this wonderful could come out after such a crazy start. I’m really happy to be with you, shug, I wouldn’t change a thing! Now let’s go rent some porn! Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS '

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1=:=@/2= 2@3/;7<¸ We’ll sneak off on a Greyhound bus some rainy night (covering our heads with folded-up newspapers) & wake up somewhere greener. In a couple days we’ll make it out to Colorado where we can start new lives (I’ll waitress in some dive truck stop diner & turn tricks for cash). I’ll make you toasted cheese & tomato sandwiches (with extra salt) & sleep naked next to you every night. Let’s go. Please.

63G G=C 7< B63 B=G=B/ I hadn’t seen you for a while and then there you were again, right in front of me. And all I could think was you are such a hottie now. Will you fuck me? Hard? Deep? Will you make me forget my own name? I wanted you to fuck me that night you drove me home and I had the condoms in my purse but believe me — I want to be fully alert when you come over. I fantasize about you in class. And as awkward as walking in creamed panties is, it’s worth every second of my fantasy. Any way you wanna give it, I will be waiting. I will be waiting.

>@3BBG 07= 16719( I had no clue how to approach you when I first walked into that class. It was nothing but fate that the seat next to you was open. See how fast I hopped into it? I couldn’t do anything but sit there & smile :) When you sat next to me that following class, my heart was pounding out of my chest! I just want

to caress your skin. It comes close to me when we sit next to each other. I get so excited to see you. Am I turning into a freak? This infatuation is none that I’ve ever felt. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’m going to fucking fail Biology!

/:: ;G :=D3 I’ve told everyone else, but now I’m telling you: When our hands touched that first time, the world changed. It shimmered and I almost floated off the ground. That day wasn’t just a First Friday, it was the first Friday. The Friday that began the magical, joyful adventure that is our relationship. You’re my soul mate in every way: emotionally, intellectually, religiously, sexually, socially, politically. You’re my dance partner, my playmate and my best friend. I never thought I’d find you. I never want to lose you. Magic sweetheart, will you marry me?

Beach was the hardest day of my life. I miss eating your poom all night long. I hope you don’t mind, but I took a pair of your thongs the last night we were together. So now I can smell your dried-up poom-poom juice every day. I think about our nights when we would tie each other up and razor our poom pooms and then put lemon juice on them and lick it off. Poomiest, I have your thong on now. Please come and take them off of me with your Davinci Veneers. Love, your WPB Hairy Poom Poom.

:743( Thanks for being pretty fucking good to me lately. No longer do I wake up wanting to punch people in the face. I am actually enjoying the company of other human beings. My bank account is stocked, my job kicks ass, and I’m no longer living paycheck to paycheck. Plus, it’s summertime, and we can wear a lot less clothing. And we all know I love that. Yeah, me!

>==; >==; The day I left Philly for West Palm

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7 6/B3 /:: G=C 2=@9A  Who share eye contact and a smile with some girl and then do nothing. Guess what? Some people are polite. Yep, believe it or not. Get some balls and talk to these girls when they smile at you. Chances are they won’t bite you. I’m sick of reading this same love/hate ad every week. Write MORE hate ads!! They’re much funnier.

23/@ B=E7<5 1=;>/<G( You poop-gargling cockenheimer, you pukey enemy choir boy, you defecated kernel of summer corn; you unjustly towed my car during the year’s worst snowstorm and I know what you’d say, you salad-tossing flatulation, you’d say “I have a job to do.� Well, guess what, you miserly pimple rancher, I have a job to do, too, and my job is to shit on the nape of your neck while a fat Bavarian woman pierces your nipples with petrified snot daggers. My job is to stretch your tonsils and lodge them into your anus, then fry them and pass them out as party favors at a Unicef banquet. My job is to tow your miserable little wienerschnitzel into my dick garage and charge you $175 so you can pee again.

@3( 23/@ B=E7<5 1=;>/<G Whoever wrote this, YOU ROCK! I don’t think I’ve ever read such a beautifully blistering rant in Love/Hate before. I keep on reading it to people, while laughing so hard I start to cry! You have a true gift.

¾4==2 16/7<œ ;G /AA To the woman whose sorry-ass Benji-looking dog ate the poor, defenseless baby bird in the Flourtown Park on July 4th around 5 p.m., YOU SUCK! You’re a poor excuse for a human being. If you leashed your f-ing dogs and paid attention to what your damn animals were doing or at least showed some freakin remorse over the carnivorous act, it might not have ruined what was otherwise a pleasant BBQ in the park. I hope you choke on your

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arrogance and that your dog suffers from an obstruction in his bowels. Then we’ll see who’s who on the “food chain.�

you decide to run by your own rules.

E///////////6

Hey Bike Haters! Maybe bikers wouldn’t be weaving through traffic if people didn’t double park, open their car doors without looking, and suddenly turn or pull over without a turn signal. I’ll bet you’re one of those people. Also, the most efficient use of energy on a bike is to keep moving. That means if nothing’s coming, I’m going. Not that I expect you to understand energy efficiency or anything. Love, the one who blows by traffic jams and parks with ease.

I’m a Center City driver. I’m impatient and immature and my needs are soooo much more important than anyone else’s, but if I just whine and cry like a baby, no one pays attention. I know! I’ll use my horn! WAAAAAAAH! That cab picking up passengers will make me three seconds late! WAAAAAAAH! That person backing into a parking space is going to make me miss my nap time! WAAAAAAH! This person is actually stopping to let an ambulance pass. WAAAAAAAH! Pay attention to me! It’s all about me! WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!

2C;0/AA3A =< 0793A For all you stupid assholes who ride bikes and NEVER obey traffic rules. I hope the next time you blow through a red light, some car smashes the shit out of you. The next time you weave in and out of traffic, some driver flattens your ass. I’m so sick of bike riders complaining about never getting any respect, then they are the most disrespectful jerks on the road. Bikes are for the STREET! If you are afraid to ride in the street, then take the goddamn bus! Stop acting like you are such pitiful victims, because you aren’t. You are pompous jerks who I can’t wait to see get smashed and mutilated if

@3( 2C;0/AA3A

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=< 0793A Until bike lanes are incorporated onto every road in the city, we will continue to be “disrespectful jerks.� Heaven forbid we give two shits about the air quality of this planet and our physique. Besides, I bet you’re just some fat pompous fuck who drives a Hummer/SUV because your ass can’t fit on a bike. Stop complaining and deal. —Bike Bitch.

@3( 2C;0/AA3A

=< 0793A Every windshield of every car has a “sweet spot� where, if the appropriate weight is applied with the appropriate amount of force, the glass can be caused to shatter. Similarly, every face of every person has a “sweet spot� where, if the ap Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS "

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G=C /:4 :==9 /:793 G=C /@3 / :7/@ / 163/B 5=B / 4C197< 1:C3 propriate weight is applied with the appropriate amount of force, the bone can be caused to shatter. Interestingly, the common bicycle U-lock has the appropriate weight and can be swung at the appropriate force to achieve both of these outcomes. Bottom line: we will ride where we want, when we want and how we want. This is not about respect ‌ We couldn’t give a fuck about you, your pathetic life, your poorly expressed opinions or your respect. This is about acknowledgement. Acknowledge and accept our presence in whatever form it may take, or pay the consequences. It’ll be awfully difficult to pick up your teeth or your shattered windshield with two broken arms. —A Pissed Bicycle Commuter.

@3( @3( 2C;0/AA3A =< 0793A In the same manner that your U-lock can shatter when the appropriate weight and force is applied, so can my club. Advantage? Mine. While you are pulling my club out of your ass, my steel-belted radials will be on your neck. Your letters in this paper drive home the point that you are the most arrogant, ignorant, self-righteous pussies EVER. Go ahead, ride where you want and how you want. Just watch out for the automobile that will live by the same rules you cunts do. Guess what? YOU WILL LOSE EVERY TIME!

0793@A /<2 2@7D3@A( Being as though I am a biker AND a driver, I understand each side’s argument. All I have to say is this: Chill the fuck out, all of you! It’s a goddamn road, not a battlefield. This isn’t about respect, it’s about getting where you want to be. Quit acting so fucking righteous and stand up for something that actually matters in this city. Enough said, clowns. —S.R.

@3( 0793@A /<2 2@7D3@A Stop fighting with each other. I’M A PEDESTRIAN AND I HATE YOU BOTH! Bikers, get the fuck off the sidewalk. Drivers, stop trying to plow me over at intersections. May your days be filled with flat tires and parking tickets.

1=C>:3A( Die. I sincerely and utterly, from the blackest depths of my soul, hate your ilk. My searing hatred for you and your antics cannot be matched by the fiery intensity of 1,000 supernovas which I hope will some day flash-fry the flesh from your bones. I doubt you’ll even see it coming as you will likely be engaged in some sort of PDA. —Angry Kid

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To the woman in front of me at the Hollywood Tans (on Old York Road in Elkins Park) on Tuesday, around 8 p.m.: You left a note on my car telling me that I parked in a handicapped spot and that I’m inconsiderate. Well, if you’d pull your handicapped head out of your fat fucking ass you’d see that I was NOT parked in a handicapped spot. Just because my parking spot was NEXT to a handicapped spot doesn’t make it a handicapped spot. Seriously, it’s not a handicapped spot. There’s no sign or paint on the ground or anything at all. I park there all the time. You should have really taken a look before you tried to be a know-it-allnote vigilante. Go back and look at the spot so you can feel as stupid as you are. I wish you never came to my Hollywood Tans because your stupidity really pissed me off. Are you even really handicapped? I know what your handicap is — you are fucking blind as well as assuming. Take your tanning money and buy a fucking clue!!

1=<D3<73<13 E=@93@A To all the lazy-fuck workers in fast food and any other “customer service� business: Just because you have a fucking job doesn’t mean you can spend all day shooting the shit with the people you work with while ignoring the paying customers that stand in block-long lines in front of you. I am sick of listening to your bullshit stories and then getting

an attitude while being waited on at YOUR CONVENIENCE, not mine. Fuck you all until you begin to treat your jobs with some sort of seriousness.

@3( 1=<D3<73<13 E=@93@A To the person who called customer service workers “lazy fucks�: Would you take your job seriously if you worked at a fast food restaurant or a convenience store? No. People who work those jobs don’t get paid enough to give a shit about assholes like you. They work boring, repetitive jobs. Who cares if they talk to each other? And if you’re getting attitude, chances are you deserve it. So fuck YOU, my friend, fuck YOU.

B= B63 07B16  And her boyfriend who stole our parking spot on Sunday 8/24. How stupid are you? My boyfriend was sitting right there with his signal on, waiting. You should pay attention to what’s going on around you. P.S. If you fuck like you park, you’ll never get it in. Smoochies!

>7313 =4 A67B You dumb piece of shit. I’m glad you fell off your motorcycle. The only thing that would have been better is if I had been there to run over you with my car afterwards. You will never find another girl like me. I should have never dated you, you Alf look-alike. You are a liar, a cheat, Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS #

6/B3

and bad in bed. That motorcycle was the only big hard thing you will ever feel between your legs. I am glad you are out of work. I hope your house goes into foreclosure. Don’t worry, I will toss a quarter at you while you sleep on a hot air vent in Center City.

;=B=@1G1:3 8/19/AA To the Jackass Who Rides His Loud Motorcycle Up 3rd Street Every Morning at 6:20 in the Q.V. area: Everyone knows that “the louder the bike, the smaller the penis and the bigger the asshole riding it.� You are an inconsiderate prick. Keep it up and one day the entire neighborhood is going to gang tackle you and shove your entire bike up your ass!

@3( ;=B=@1G1:3 8/19/AA FYI, motorcycles generally make quite a bit of noise, regardless of how large a man’s penis is ... oh, and women ride them, too, so does that mean that they have small tits or a pinhole vagina? Well, your remarks were bitter, cliche and uneducated because MY boyfriend happens to ride his bike at around 6:20 or so, through the area, and I’m a size queen, so a small penis is definitely not an issue ... and he’s also an awesome person, not a prick. Sorry that he may be disrupting your early-morning jerkoff session, but he’s got to go to work and make a living.

1=4433 A6=> E=@93@( Please tell me why you deserve a one-dollar tip for picking up a paper cup and pouring liquid in it. For a dollar tip I can see a stripper’s tits! Another thing, put your little book away. No one thinks you’re an intellectual, you minimum-wage bitch.

@3( 1=4433 A6=> E=@93@ Even though I am a lowly “minimum-wage bitch,� I always dreamed of the day when I would have such an effect on someone’s life that they would take five minutes out of their day to have a public temper tantrum about me in a newspaper rather than saying it to my face. Although my parents were proud of me when I graduated from college, my appearance in “Love/Hate� has rocketed me into favorite-child status. Thanks again. Love, Maggie.

2=5 >/@9 Hey, ladies: Sometimes guys are just trying to make conversation and be friendly. That’s a good thing. Not everyone is trying to get into your pants, re-

gardless of how highly you feel about yourself. Please get over the idea that you are the hottest thing out there at 7 o’clock in the morning. It’s not becoming in any way, shape or form. In the future, with all DUE respect, if you are not open to friendly conversation, either bring a sign that says as much or don’t go there. Otherwise, go fuck yourself and your sterile existence. God Bless, Another Dog Owner.

@3( 2=5 >/@9 Hey, dumbass guy: Sometimes ladies are just trying to wake the fuck up with a cup of coffee in the morning and don’t want to listen to your tripe conversation. That’s a good thing. Not everyone wants to listen or talk to you that early, regardless of how highly you feel about yourself. Please get over the idea that you are the hottest thing out there at 7 o’clock in the morning and that we want to talk to you. It’s not becoming in any way, shape or form. In the future, with all DUE respect, if you are not open to shutting the fuck up when it’s 7 a.m. and a lady has just woken up to take her dog out and doesn’t want to listen to your annoying voice, either bring a sign that says “I’m a douche bag and I’m going to talk to you at 7 a.m. because I need to feel heard� or don’t go there. Otherwise, go fuck yourself and your boring, “friendly� trivial existence. God Bless, Another Dog Owner.

>75 07B16 You whore bitch! You fucked my man.

And what’s worse is that you lied to me. You looked me right in the eyes & said: “I haven’t & I never would, he’s your man.� You lying pig bitch whore. Remember when your girlfriend fucked some guy you were dating and how much that hurt you? I was there for you. How could you turn around and do the same thing to me? Guess what, honey, he may fuck you but he doesn’t respect you. And I’m not even sure he likes you. You’re just available pussy. And guess what else? You’ll never have him. You can’t compete intellectually. You think this will break us up and you’ll have a chance? Right. Keep smoking that piss-poor weed, girlfriend.

;/AB=2=< ;3B3@ ;/72( You fugly-ass bitch, I can’t even park for five minutes in front of my work place in Old City without you givin’ me a ticket. You fat, SNUFFULUPAGASAURUS cunt. I have seen better heads on beer and you make Chewbacca look petite, you should just kill yourself and make the world a little bit brighter, because your Bigfoot-size body blocks the sunlight from Arch St. YOU FUCKING GIANT ECLIPSE. The next time I see your fat ass give someone a ticket, I am going to wish that you get an inoperable tumor at the base of your spine, YOU FUCKING HIPPO.

163/> 0/AB/@2 G=C( I found your MAC/check card at the ATM with your account wide open and a balance of $25,000. A low-life Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS $

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6/B3

7 6=>3 G=C CA3 >=7A=< 7DG B= E7>3 @=B 7< 63:: @3( B= 3D3@G=<3 would have cleaned your clock, bitch. I closed your transaction, secured your card, tracked you down on my cell & returned your card. You didn’t offer me shit for my trouble and for protecting your 25 grand. Not a hundred, a fifty, a ten, a dollar or even a cheap fucking beer. I didn’t do it for the reward, but it would have been nice to offer, asshole. You’re NOT welcome. I hope some asshole finds it next time and fucks your shit up, bitch. You cheap bastard you!

@3( 163/> 0/AB/@2 G=C To the girl who found my MAC card and addressed me as “cheap bastard you�: I thought that my thank you was enough, but it appears now that it was not. You see, just because I have all that money does not make me rich. I have worked as a chef for the last five years and saved every penny besides my everyday expenses to help someone dear to me through a long-awaited surgery. I do want to make it up to you, so please come by the restaurant and ask for me. I know what you look like and vice versa. Dinner will be on me, so wear something nice and thank you again!

07B16 4@=; 63:: What is there to say? You ignored me. I fucking hope you rot in hell for the shit you have done. I wish I could kick your head with a tack on the heel of my shoe. I hope you get a paper cut on your vagina. I hope you use poison ivy to wipe, you bitch. Your cunt smells like tuna and you eat your own shit.

07B16 4@=; 63:: >B So now we’re on speaking terms and you act like everything is OK? Let me tell you something, twatface, I ain’t through with you yet! I hope you get a rock stuck up your fallopian tubes. I think you are a major fashion emergency. White sneakers? It’s past Labor Day, cunt nugget. I hope you suffer through an unwanted clitorectomy and then have to eat it. Love and Kisses, Your Fucking Worst Enemy.

B= 3D3@G=<3( This is for everyone writing a “love� ad in here and for everyone reading these ads. Everyone you ever think you love will end up writhing from an orgasm from someone else. Anything you ever treasure will one day be only a pile of dust. Any idea you have faith in will be proven wrong. All your friends will one day turn their backs on you. If you want to get ahead in this world then take my advice: Lie, cheat, steal, screw people over, and be an overall asshole. That’s the only way to get what you want, apparently.

16 | C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / L O V E H A T E

When there’s either a problem with you or with everyone else ... it’s usually with you.

>3=>:3 7< >67::G( I am tired of random people giving bums, druggies and homeless people money. If you want to give someone money for food, give it to some of us poor college students who survive on ramen noodles! The people who are homeless do not beg for money. The people who beg are the druggies. So, why support their habbit? You should give us some cash to learn better in class!

>C0:71 B@/<A7B Public transit riders, it’s cool that you’re nice, but some of you are TOO nice. My backpack has been broken for over a year — the back flap doesn’t zipper. At first, it was nice that people would say something, but being bombarded with well-meanings about my bag is now getting annoying, especially those of you who tell me it’s open and then try to zipper it without waiting for a response. I KNOW MY BAG IS OPEN — IT’S BROKEN. PLEASE DON’T TOUCH IT OR ME. So if you see a girl traveling between 30th Street and Market East, carrying a broken tie-dye backpack, say hi, but please don’t tell me my fucking bag is open, because I already know.

@3( >C0:71 B@/<A7B You dumb bitch. Get a new bag.

Otherwise, you should expect people to be nice and tell you to zip your bag up. Of all the idiots that have graced these pages, you take the cake.

>67::G 1/0 2@7D3@A( When I’m a pedestrian, you try to kill me. When I’m a passenger, you try to kill me. What did I ever do to you?

47<53@B=3A Ladies of Philadelphia, PLEASE don’t wear sandals if you have finger-toes or other nasty feet anomalies. I do not want to see your hammer toes hanging over the top of your flip-flops. I don’t want to see your beat-up and dried-out ashy little pinky toes struggling to fit into your brand-new strappy sandals, and I REALLY don’t want to see your jagged black and blue unpedicured toenails dangling from your espadrilles. Ever heard of a damn pumice? You make me sick.

</ABG 07B16 Hey, what the fuck is going on in Philly? It seems that the City Council must have passed an ordinance allowing all kinds of blown-out bitches to think that they are hot. The other day I saw this broad walking down the street with a tan thong hanging out of her pants and her belly was spilling over the top of her too-tight pants — it looked sick as fuck. I almost lost my lunch. Her thong was tan and it just looked dirty as fuck. Babes should not wear Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS %

6/B3

fake just like you. And please don’t tell mom and dad about what happened last night in the back alley of Woody’s. —Angry Waitress tan thongs. And if you have so many stretch marks on your big jelly belly that it looks like fucking Edward Scissorhands gave you a massage, please don’t expose that shit to the rest of the civilized world.

1=;3 =CB /:@3/2G It’s so obvious that you are gay, you queen. You have fire-engine-red highlights with matching shoes. You love Britney Spears way too much. You are more feminine than the top ten finalists in the Miss USA pageant. I came out years ago and it’s a slap in the face from people like you who aren’t happy with themselves enough to admit what they are on the inside. So, you just babble about how hot that chick was who called you eye candy, and how you are saving yourself for marriage. You’re a poor man’s Richard Simmons, now come the fuck out! Or I’m gonna lock you in the closet forever with a hot pink lock & key. You’ll never be happy until you admit that you’re gay, I promise. But even then, I’ll still hate your personality.

5/G0=@6==2 ?C33<A( I am sorry that my heterosexuality intimidates you, but fucking face it, you don’t have a pussy and (most likely) never will. So stop with the envy and get over yourselves! You have balls. So, have the balls to act like you do outside those four blocks. Eyeliner is for girls and you think you own the world because Philly has a Kenneth fucking Cole. The world can go on without you. Oh, don’t look now! Your Prada shoes are scuffed and that D&G bag is a

!B6 AB@33B 0/A63@( To the PUNK asshole that bashed me as I left Woody’s on Sunday 7/16. I know you were HUMILIATED in front of your friends when the “drunk FAGGOT� you targeted beat you in the face and TO THE GROUND with my manbag (and it IS designer). You know I would have kicked your ass had you not run. Worry ... my guardian angels will get you eventually.

A/;3 =:¸ I’m so tired of the same ol’. Same ol’ chicks with the same ol’ tricks. Same ol’ guys tellin the same ol’ lies. Same ol’ stores employ the same ol’ whores. Same ol’ people thinking with minds so feeble. Same ol’ wanna be stars, in the same ol’ bars, driving the same ol’ cars, masking the same ol’ scars. And rest of u,

living the same ol’ life with same ol’ strife, trying NOT to backstab each other with the same ol’ knife.

7 /; A719 /<2 B7@32 ÂŹ Of religion being forced down my throat everywhere I turn in America. I do not believe in organized religion, period. Please re-read that sentence to make sure you understand I did not say I don’t believe in “God.â€? I choose not to have “Godâ€? defined for me, thank you very much.

@3( 7 /; A719 /<2 B7@32 I am sick and tired of people who don’t believe in organized religion feeling superior to those who do. Also, FYI, Urban Outfitters now sells T-shirts for $40 that say “I make my own God.� (It’s way cool, ’cause it looks vintage.)

4C19 G=C To the government, who steals 40 percent of my pay. Fuck the Parking Authority, draining people of their Q]\bW\cSR ]\ ^OUS &

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C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / L O V E H A T E | 17

6/B3

damn the fact that I am still looking. —Starving Rantist. (Thanks for the rant, I love you, City Paper, cheaper than therapy.) money just to park on the streets that THEY had to build. Fuck every girl who said she’d call back and didn’t. Fuck the “friends� who have vanished. Fuck my next future girlfriend who’s going to be the next big disappointment. Fuck everyone who set me up to believe that there was actually something good about humanity. May a giant vacuum suck all of you out of existence. Fuck you all!

>3=>:3 7 6/B3 Philadelphia, I have hate. I have hate for people who walk dogs with long leashes. I hate you. People who assemble in the middle of the block, ignoring everyone and making you walk around them. Sons of bitches, I hate you! You bike motherfuckers, you’re not an automobile, get the fuck out of the way, fake-ass Lance Armstrongs. I hate you. Little-ass old ladies, clutching their handbags whenever I walk by, you little bitches. I hate you. Uppity black folk (you know who you are) with your attitude, nice car ‌ Hey, I’ve got a nice car too (but no attitude). Get your nose out of the air, brother. Oh, I hate you too. So, Philly, beware of those I hate because once you encounter them, you will hate them too. Fuckers.

1C@@3<B 8=0 ;/@93B( Damn you with your no callbacks to this talented college grad with enough experience to be constantly told “you have too much experience.� Damn the dreaded third interviews with the date-from-hell feel. Damn the constant losers that get hired for their tits and ass or their daddy knew the boss and

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5= 4C19 G=C@A3:D3A I hate those two fat whores. I hate my wife because she is a low-life stinky pussy fucking sneak and I hate that fat fuck of a mother-in-law of mine. I would like to fuck her up her ass with hot sauce mixed with KY smeared all over her flabby ass. And for my punk-ass father-in-law, man get your fucking head outta ya azz ‌ you fucking spineless jelly fish. That fat beeyotch is just using you for your money ‌ wise the fuck up, man. I really hate those mutha fuckin’ skank whore fucking panty waste pissy pussy smelling asshole licking (my wife) cunt fuck bitches. I want to offer you my big fucking shiny ass to kiss. I hope you catch me on a day when my ass is good and shitty and you can plant your dick suckers right in the crack of my ass. You two fucking skeeker bitches. By the way, I did catch a glimpse of my

mother-in-law naked once ... uggggh that shit gave me post traumatic stress disorder ‌ her big fat pussy was hanging down ... it looked like she had a fucking six-month-old cat hanging off of her pussy ‌ and just to think that’s the pussy that my piece of shit wife fell out of ‌ yuck ‌ what the fuck was I thinking when I married into that fucking freak show. I want a fucking divorce!

17BG >/>3@ :=D3 6/B3 >/53( I hate you! You people will print anybody’s bullshit stories, rumors, trash talk and innuendo. Truth be damned in the name of entertainment and cheap laughs, right? It doesn’t matter how many relationships are ruined because you’re “not responsible for the opinions expressed.� Here is one relationship that is ruined after a loving two-years plus. And I have you to thank for it, assholes! —Single Thanks To City Paper

C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / L O V E H A T E | 19

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